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T H E
C O M M U N I C A T I O N
M A P
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
The Map
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Immediate impactLearn itUSE itEffectiveIndependent
The Criteria
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Functioning First
HistoryAvoidanceResentment
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Give People Structure
Challenges:IssuesProblemsFeelingsReasonsMotivationsHistory
Opportunity? Enhancing
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Easy to LearnEasy to UseUniversal Application
Universal Qualities
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
The Map
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Before You Start
Challenges:The Issue?When?Where?
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Issues = Unmet needsALL issues are validNeeder ‘Owns’ the Issue
Rules of the Road
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
No Issue is UniversalSome are unsharedDon’t indict“Came home late without calling”Ownership = EmpowermentGet past “Right” and “Wrong”
Needs and Issues
Give Sender Ownership
For the Sender:
For the Receiver:
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
One issue at a timeTake turnsSpeak with moderationListen with curiosityWin Win, not War-War‑Structure is EVERYTHINGNurture the ‘space between’
Focus and Dialogue
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
AttitudeCuriosityEmpathyCompassionCoach
Receiver Qualities
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
The Background
Home from work two hours lateDidn’t call beforehandDinner SpoiledWaiting partner upset and been worried
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Round One
"Where have you BEEN?”
“I've been so
WORRIED””DINNER'S COLD - AND
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT."
“You are late, and you
didn't call, and I'm
REALLY upset.”
”You know what? You are just a jerk, and you're inconsiderate, and I can't believe you didn't call me”.
”You ALWAYS call. Why didn't you call THIS time?”
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
The Wall
Judgement
Interpretation
Defensiveness
Reactive emotion.
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Mad
Primary Emotions
Sad
Glad
Fear
Shame
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
"Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now”
Disconnected
“Right now, I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this”
“Right now, I'm feeling defensive” "I'm in a reactive
emotion right now"
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
The Sender Experience
Is it clear?DiscomfortThoughtsJudgementsBack upIdentifyCommunicate
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Talkers and Thinkers
If you understand which you areIf you know which your partner isYou will know what their needs areOpposites attract but challenge
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Help me Understand
Talker needs to talk about itReceiver needs to listenDon’t Pre-judgeFind the REAL issue
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Beat the stereotype
Don’t assume you KNOW the ‘Issue’‘Facts’ vs. ‘Issue’Build dialogueSeek confirmation
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Step 4
Late and no call
Is my lateness the issue?No, worried and anxious when you didn’t call
No, cooked a great meal and it’s spoilt.
Is the Call the issue?
Sender HAS to communicate Receiver HAS to facilitate
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Make a request
Clarity is the first hurdleValidating is the secondMirror or askSender RequestIssuesUnmet NeedsRelationship Drivers
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Ugly Alternatives
ComplainingDemandingThreateningCoercingCriticizingEntitlementMind ReadingRequesting
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Step 5
What can I do?Non-PrescriptiveThe result countsThe two routes
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Negotiation
Negotiation isn’t compromiseDemand Win/WinFind Third OptionIf it doesn’t work for both of you it won’t stick
"You don't know WHAT you don't know"
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Isues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Outside the Box
PlanNetworkPatienceStay Open Minded
ViabilityCompassion and Mirror
Sorry. Be late
How long?
Couple hours.
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Be Positive
Never Say “No”Counter-proposePactPositiveTrustingSafeListening
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Final Steps
NegotiatedSolvedFollow-throughCommitmentPromiseIntentionsActionsBad agreements break
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Mutuality
You won’t know until you give it a go!One you CAN keepOne you WANT to keepGo round againForgivenessPatienceLearn
Sender
Hit Wall(Or Not)
Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)
Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)
Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)
Negotiate
Request
Follow through
Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Practice
Perfection doesn’t existNot a panaceaStructureClarity
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Practice
Issue = SenderIdentifyCommunicateRequestReceiver = SupportKeep it handy!Don’t recycle failure
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No. 1 - “Is there More?”Don’t ‘pingpong’Keep ListeningInvite DialogueSpoken Magic
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No 2: “It’s NOT about You!Their issue is THEIR issuePersonal = DefensiveDefensive = Negativity
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No. 3: “It’s ALL about You!The 90/10 FormulaNeed to clear and separate:
FactsJudgmentsFeelings
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
Facts:You were two hours lateYou didn’t callDinner is spoiled
Judgements:“You're wrong”“You're bad”“You're inconsiderate”“You're a jerk”“You shouldn't do that”
Emotions:AngerAnxietyFearAbandonment
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No. 4: Turn complaints into requests.Many needsImpossible to meet allRequest respectfullyCreate the “Win/Win”Avoid the Uglies
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthThoughtsFeelingsNeedsWants“In to me I see”Respect and love us for who we areNo truth = No connection
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Top Five Communication Tips
No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthConflictPainArgumentsFearUse the Map StructurePracticeSimple – Effective - Practical
© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC
Create Your Future Together
We need to survivebefore we can thrive.
Build on this.Thank you for listening.