“Friday, April 1, 2012” Mocking the University of Alabama since 2011 Vol. 118, Issue 109 P l e a s e r e c y c l e t h i s p a p e r • P l e a s e r e c y c le t h i s p a p e r • Briefs ........................ 2 Opinions ................... 4 Lifestyles..............None WEATHER today INSIDE today’s paper Sports .................None Puzzles................None Classifieds ...........None Snow 90º/-2º Saturday 67º/52º Cloudy, Meatballs P l e a s e r e h i s p a p e r • P l e a s e s p a p p p p p p p p p p e r NEWS? PAGE 8 UA’s attempts to be hip turn unintentionally creepy. MEMES Watch President Blankenship’s campaign video online at cw.ua.edu PRESIDENT BLANKENSHIP il 1, 2012” Mocking the University of Alabama since 2011 Vol. 1 il 1 2012” M ki th U i it fAl b i 2011 V l 11 il 1 2012” M ki th U i it fAl b i 2011 Vl 1 By Victor Luckerson Public Relations Enemy No. 1 [email protected]In his first initiative as chancellor of the University of Alabama system, Robert Witt has proposed the creation of a moon-like, weaponized space station that will also serve as the fourth UA campus. The project, codenamed the “Crimson Star,” would be the first of its kind in higher learn- ing. Measuring 160 kilometers in diameter, the technological marvel would be in geosynchro- nous orbit above Tuscaloosa at all times, just beyond Earth’s atmosphere. University of Alabama at Space Courtesy of the University of Alabama and Brown & Associates Early renderings of the Crimson Star feature a crimson colored surface and a very large “A” plastered on the side. Campus will feature athletic field, laser SEE CRIMSON STAR PAGE 6 By Wesley “Bounty Hunter” Vaughn @ISTILLLOVEYOUSEANPAYTON After watching his viral campaign video, the University of Alabama System Board of Trustees announced Jack Blankenship as the next president of the University of Alabama. Former President Robert Witt left the position to take over as the chancellor for the UA school system earlier this month. Executive Vice President and Provost Judy Bonner served as the interim president. Blankenship, best known as “The Face,” will become the youngest president in higher education history. Witt refused to comment at first, but after receiving approval from his director of media relations, he offered his support for Blankenship. “Students probably know more about him than me,” Witt said. “I think students will recognize his face before they recognized mine, if I decided to attend anything.” Since becoming famous during UA basketball games for holding up a sign of his face, Blankenship has made the rounds on late-night tele- vision and talk shows. He has nearly 5,000 Twitter followers and advanced further in the NCAA men’s basketball tour- nament than the Tide did. Witt said he felt confident in Blankenship or any other can- didate fulfilling the goals he set out as president. “A million students by 2050 is still possible,” Witt said. “Though I could have done it by 2040, easy.” Blankenship named new face of University Freshman will be youngest UA leader CW | Katie Bennett and Evan Szczepanski President Blankenship’s portrait will now hang among the greats. SEE FACE PAGE 6 Submitted An email inquiring about the Crimson Star received in response with this picture as an attachment. Should we be worried? By Victor Luckerson CEO of Student Journalism [email protected]Rap superstars Kanye West and Jay-Z are being consid- ered for membership in the Machine, a traditionally hip-hop- loving coalition of fraternities and sororities that influences campus politics. Sources famil- iar with the operations of the Machine confirmed that West and Jay-Z were present at last week’s Machine meeting in the Phi Delta Theta house. The two music moguls, whose 2011 album “Watch the Throne” garnered several end-of-the- year awards, were previously rumored to be members of the Illuminati, a world-controlling organization that influences governments and large corpora- tions. In an exclusive interview with The Crimson White, Jay-Z con- firmed his affiliation with the Illuminati. “Yeah, I been on that Illuminati tip for a minute,” Jigga said. “We’ve gotten into some pretty grimy stuff. But using physical and verbal intimidation so you can have the power to launch a late-night bus route? Now, that’s gangsta.” West also showed admiration Rappers leave Illuminati for Machine Wikimedia Commons Jay-Z Wikimedia Commons Kanye West SEE ILLUMINATI PAGE 7 November 2011 January 2012 Nov. 5: Marty McFly arrives in Tuscaloosa for the Game of the Century. On his way to Bryant-Denny Stadium, Marty hits Cade Foster with his car, and Foster is unable to hit anything in the game. Jan. 9: LSU defeats Oklahoma State in BCS National Championship Game, 36-6. Alabama finishes No. 8. Marty McFly vows to right the past. Nov. 12: Marty slips a trace amount h_ kZm ihblhg bg :g]k^p En\dl Gatorade to help Oregon beat Stanford. Alternate Timeline Original timeline Gho' *13FZkmr e^Z]l HdeZahfZ LmZm^l kicker into a pile of manure. The kicker played the way he smelled. Jan. 9, 2012: Marty slips a hallucinogen into E^l Fbe^l kbmnZe `Zf^]Zr lgZ\d h_ Ze_Ze_Z `kZll' Miles proceeds to leave Jordan Jefferson in the entire game. Nov. 19: Marty sacrifices Mk^gm Kb\aZk]lhgl A^blfZg chances for the good of the Tide by offering RGIII a spirited pep talk. November Marty slip h_ kZm ihblh Football season actually plot for ‘Back to the Future 4’ By Jared Downing Contributing MC The cause of Wednesday’s Sleep Out on the Quad event is still unknown, which brought nearly 50 students to the space across the street from Nott Hall. Theories of the purpose of the gathering, which lasted from 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. Thursday morning, range from finding a cure for AIDS to stopping the conflict in Syria. Sophomore Myranda Herndon wasn’t sure why the students were on the Quad, but said it gave her a chance to finally use that “Twilight” sleeping bag she bought for the midnight showing of “Breaking Dawn Part I.” Students go to sleep for...a cause? Students filled the quad for a cause, but no one really knew what it was. CW | Shannon Auvil SEE SLEEP OUT PAGE 2
Transcript
“Friday, April 1, 2012” Mocking the University of Alabama since 2011 Vol. 118, Issue 109
Plea
se recycle this paper • Please recycle this pap
er •
Briefs ........................2
Opinions ...................4
Lifestyles ..............None
WEATHER todayINSIDE
today’s paperSports .................None
Puzzles ................None
Classifieds ...........None
Snow90º/-2º
Saturday 67º/52ºCloudy, Meatballs
Plea
sere y his paper
•Pleasespppa
pppppppppppppppppppper
NEWS? PAGE 8
UA’s attempts to be hip turn unintentionally creepy.
MEMESWatch President Blankenship’s campaign video online at cw.ua.edu
PRESIDENT BLANKENSHIP
il 1, 2012” Mocking the University of Alabama since 2011 Vol. 1il 1 2012” M ki th U i it f Al b i 2011 V l 11il 1 2012” M ki th U i it f Al b i 2011 V l 1
In his first initiative as chancellor of the University of Alabama system, Robert Witt has proposed the creation of a moon-like, weaponized space station that will also serve as the fourth UA campus. The project, codenamed the “Crimson Star,” would be the first of its kind in higher learn-ing. Measuring 160 kilometers in diameter, the technological marvel would be in geosynchro-nous orbit above Tuscaloosa at all times, just beyond Earth’s atmosphere.
University of Alabama at SpaceCourtesy of the University of Alabama and Brown & Associates
Early renderings of the Crimson Star feature a crimson colored surface and a very large “A” plastered on the side.
Campus will feature athletic fi eld, laser
SEE CRIMSON STAR PAGE 6
By Wesley “Bounty Hunter” Vaughn@ISTILLLOVEYOUSEANPAYTON
After watching his viral campaign video, the University of Alabama System Board of Trustees announced Jack Blankenship as the next president of the University of Alabama. Former President Robert Witt left the position to take over as the chancellor for the UA school system earlier this month. Executive Vice President and Provost Judy Bonner served as the interim president. Blankenship, best known as “The Face,” will become the youngest president in higher education history. Witt refused to comment at first, but after receiving approval from his director of media relations, he offered his support for Blankenship. “Students probably know more about him than me,” Witt said. “I think students will recognize his face before they recognized mine, if I decided to attend anything.” Since becoming famous
during UA basketball games for holding up a sign of his face, Blankenship has made the rounds on late-night tele-vision and talk shows. He has nearly 5,000 Twitter followers and advanced further in the NCAA men’s basketball tour-nament than the Tide did. Witt said he felt confident in Blankenship or any other can-didate fulfilling the goals he set out as president. “A million students by 2050 is still possible,” Witt said. “Though I could have done it by 2040, easy.”
Blankenship named new face of UniversityFreshman will be youngest UA leader
CW | Katie Bennett and Evan SzczepanskiPresident Blankenship’s portrait will now hang among the greats.
SEE FACE PAGE 6
SubmittedAn email inquiring about the Crimson Star received in response with this picture as an attachment. Should we be worried?
Rap superstars Kanye West and Jay-Z are being consid-ered for membership in the Machine, a traditionally hip-hop-loving coalition of fraternities and sororities that influences campus politics. Sources famil-iar with the operations of the Machine confirmed that West and Jay-Z were present at last week’s Machine meeting in the Phi Delta Theta house. The two music moguls, whose
2011 album “Watch the Throne” garnered several end-of-the-year awards, were previously
rumored to be members of the Illuminati, a world-controlling organization that influences
governments and large corpora-tions. In an exclusive interview with The Crimson White, Jay-Z con-firmed his affiliation with the Illuminati. “Yeah, I been on that Illuminati tip for a minute,” Jigga said. “We’ve gotten into some pretty grimy stuff. But using physical and verbal intimidation so you can have the power to launch a late-night bus route? Now, that’s gangsta.” West also showed admiration
Rappers leave Illuminati for Machine
Wikimedia CommonsJay-Z
Wikimedia CommonsKanye West
SEE ILLUMINATI PAGE 7
November 2011 January 2012Nov. 5: Marty McFly arrives in Tuscaloosa for the Game of the Century. On his way to Bryant-Denny Stadium, Marty hits Cade Foster with his car,
and Foster is unable to hit anything in the game.
Jan. 9: LSU defeats Oklahoma State in BCS National Championship Game, 36-6.
Alabama finishes No. 8. Marty McFly vows to right the past.
Nov. 12: Marty slips a trace amount
Gatorade to help Oregon beat Stanford.
Alternate Timeline
Original timeline
kicker into a pile of manure.The kicker played the way he smelled.
Jan. 9, 2012: Marty slips a hallucinogen into
Miles proceeds to leave Jordan Jefferson in the entire game.
Nov. 19: Marty sacrifices
chances for the good of the Tide by offering RGIII a spirited pep talk.
November
Marty slip
Football season actually plot for ‘Back to the Future 4’
By Jared DowningContributing MC
The cause of Wednesday’s Sleep Out on the Quad event is still unknown, which brought nearly 50 students to the space across the street from Nott Hall. Theories of the purpose of the gathering, which lasted from 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. Thursday morning, range from finding a
cure for AIDS to stopping the conflict in Syria. Sophomore Myranda Herndon wasn’t sure why thestudents were on the Quad, but said it gave her a chance to finally use that “Twilight” sleeping bag she bought for the midnight showing of “Breaking Dawn Part I.”
Students go to sleep for...a cause?
Students fi lled the quad for a cause, but no onereally knew what it was.
Vote in the CW’s ‘90s Cartoon March Madness bracket, even though “Cowboy Bebop” is going to win in the end. Seriously, we know you nerds are taking over.
Interim President Judy Bonner, at the apparent urging of Chancellor Robert Witt, has voiced her disapproval with Zeta Theta Kappa Lambda, a traditionally black fraternity, denying entry to pledge Chad Withers, a white student. According to an email sent out by Bonner, ZTKL is “defy-ing this University’s storied history as a beacon of equal-ity.” “We feel that in 2012, no one should be denied entry because of their race,” Bonner said. “President Obama was able to pick a white man for his vice president, why should
young Chad be denied in Zeta Theta Kappa Lambda?” An ZTKL spokesman said the fraternity would be happy to pledge a white student, but Withers was simply a bad fit because, according to the spokesperson, he was “a douche and kind of racist.” “Well, his name was Chad. That was our first problem,” the spokesman said. “Then, he started showing up at the house in his pickup truck with huge tires he obviously doesn’t need, blaring country music, calling everyone ‘bro’ and try-ing to ‘ice’ us. It was uncom-fortable.”
President Bonner voices disapproval with fraternity for refusing to allow white member into organization
FUNDAY, MARCH 26, 2012
Possession of Auburn para-phernalia 3 p.m.Walk of Champions
Possession of Bud Light Platinum8 p.mWilhagan’s
BOOZEDAY, MARCH 27, 2012
Selfish Hoarding of Marijuana4:20 p.m.Rose Towers
Pretension I12 a.m. - 11:59 p.m.Nott Hall, Old Row, New Row
Snitching II
5 p.m.Tuscaloosa Police Department
Stitch giving III5:25 p.m.Out Back Of Tuscaloosa Police Department
WINESDAY, MARCH 28, 2012
Party Foul III9 p.m.DKE house
Empty Container11 p.m.900 Block of Bryant Drive
Dubstepping Before the DropJust before the drop Jupiter
Public Sobriety11:55 p.m.Gallettes
THIRSTDAY, MARCH 29, 2012
Flash Mob1- 2 p.m. Rose Administration
Using State-Issued ID11 p.m.Rounders
ON THE RADAR
By Jared Downing
Popular shoe and eyewear maker TOMS announced plans last week for a new line of iPhone cases that will follow the company’s famous “One for One” business model: For every iPhone case it sells, TOMS will give another to a child in poverty. TOMS representative Jeremy Sedlak unveiled the new case to over 400 people in skinny jeans and aviator sunglasses at a press conference outside an Apple store in Denver. “It’s scary,” Sedlak said. “We just take it for granted every day that we don’t have to worry about dropping our iPhones or getting the screen all scratched up. But there are, literally, millions of people out there without iPhone cases of their own.” Sedlak said the company expects to ship more than 40,000 cases in the first month to impoverished regions of Bolivia, Uganda and Papua New Guinea and hopes to expand to
rural Burma as the case gains popularity. “To see some poor child in a village and see his face when you hand him that new iPhone case,” he continued, “it just blows you away.” Sophomore Myranda Bennett plans to buy the new case as soon as it becomes available early next month. She said its simple, canvas design will match her TOMS shoes, which she ordered last spring after watching “Blood Diamond” on an airplane. “[The design] is just so practical,” Bennett said. “I mean, you can’t give some farmer kid in Africa one of these complicated Otter Boxes and expect them to know what to do with it.” Some criticize the starting price — $84 each — as unnecessarily expensive for five inches of woven canvas. But Bennett is undaunted. “It is a little expensive, yeah, but, I mean, you’re really buying two, right?” she said. “Anyway, I’d rather spend more money and know I’m making a difference for a child in need.”
TOMS shoe company introduces One-for-One canvas iPhone case
“I was like, ‘Where are you going, Julie?’ and she was like, ‘There are like all these people on the Quad. Abby’s already out there with Russell,’” Herndon said. “I think it was for Global Warming, I think,” sug-gested sophomore James Leitner. “Because it’s not like supposed to be this warm this time of year.” Leitner admitted that it was a good opportunity to hang out with junior Alyssa Bose, who he kinda has a thing for, but he was happy to do his part to save the planet. S e n i o r Ka t h l e e n Kimbrough was worried that homework would keep her from attending, but she managed to pitch her tent near an outdoor power out-let so she could charge her laptop. “I think it’s really important for people to see what it’s really like for chil-dren in Africa,” Kimborough
said. The event also included a screening of a documentary film about a homeless vet-eran of the Iraq War. “We picked a movie that appealed to a lot of causes so we could hopefully get the right one,” said Stephen Killeth, one of the event’s c o o r d i n a -tors. “It was about home-lessness, but it also had war and stuff. Covered a lot of bases.” At mid-night, partici-pants took off their shoes and walked the length of quad completely barefooted. Such a display of utterly extreme discomfort was intended to shock spec-tators into awareness of, according to Killeth, “shoe-lessness, I don’t know, some-where in the world.” Herndon endured two-thirds of the grueling barefoot walk, but was forced to put on her TOMS when the grass stains on her feet became unbearable. “I thought it was okay if I wore TOMS because
they, like, help children and stuff,” she said. Total attendance wasabout 45, an unexpected drop from the Facebook page’s 254 “attending” and 175 “maybe attending.” Only about a dozen actu-ally stayed the entire night.
Killeth blames the low num-bers on unusu-al ly chi l ly weather. “You can’t expect people to stay outwhen they need all these sweat-ers and stuff,” he said. “We
might try again next semes-ter. Maybe we’ll know what the hell the cause is then. I bet Garret knows. This was all that jerk’s idea.” Leitner said that although he totally got that date with Bose in like an hour, he still stayed the whole night, cold weather and all. “I’m just really struck by all the problems people face,” he explained. “I’m happy know-ing I’ve done my part to make a real impact in the world.”
SLEEP OUT FROM PAGE 1
Technology key to Quad sleepout
“We might try again next semester. Maybe we’ll know
what the hell the cause is then.
— Stephen Killeth
Apply Online at jointhecw.wordpress.com
Applications are open to anyone, of any major.Applications due March 23
Applications due March 30
Applications due April 6Visuals EditorProduction EditorOnline Editor
In response to apparent demand, Transportation Services will begin selling a new parking pass that allows drivers to dou-ble-park, or take up two parking spaces with one vehicle. The permit, which will be three times larger than the standard permit, will sport a hound-stooth pattern and feature the letters “RTR” on the bottom half. The $700 permit can be used in any parking lot, including those assigned to residence halls. “As the enrollment has grown, so too has the desire for a parking pass that gives drivers a little more peace of mind,” said Phil McWayne, a staffer in the department of Transportation Services. “The fact of the matter is many stu-dents drive cars that are simply too nice to risk getting dinged.” Student reaction is predictably mixed. “You see that truck over there?” Neal Hughes, a senior majoring in marketing, asked, gesturing toward a white Ford F-150. “That’s America’s best-selling truck. It’s not some trashy Chevrolet, okay? That baby gets dinged, gets scratched, you can’t just get parts for it from any old grease monkey. Will I be buying this new pass? Does Bear Bryant give me an erection?” When asked to clarify, Hughes said, “Yes, on
both accounts.” Other students had concerns based on thereality that each commuter parking lot isalready oversold, in some instances by morethan 1,000 permits. “I’m sorry, but aren’t we already packedto the gills in these lots? This seems like itwill only make matters worse,” said MichaelPeterson, a senior majoring in managementinformation systems . “How did a rationalperson decide this was a good idea? It’s hardenough finding a spot when everyone justtakes one.” “We came to the conclusion that this wouldnot impact parking spot availability through-out the day,” McWayne said. “We conductedcomprehensive research at 7 a.m., and con-cluded that most of the time, there are manyspots available. “No one comes to campus for anything otherthan class, and since no one has class over thecourse of an entire day, this is reasonable.” When asked if the funds from this new pass– the most expensive one available – wouldbe put towards the creation of more parking,the spokesman said the department had otherplans for the money. “Mostly, the funds will be put toward thepurchase of new orange vests. We’ve had someproblems with our staff getting run over bysome of the larger trucks, and it’s really takena toll on our laundry bill.”
New permit will allow students to double-park
By John DavisChief Copy Bro
At a press conference in Birmingham earlier this week, newly named University of Alabama System Chancellor Robert Witt announced his goal of increasing the size of the board of trust-ees to 30,000 by the fall of next year. Currently, 15 trustees sit on the board, with 14 more serving as trustees emeritus. Gov. Robert Bentley and state superintendent Thomas Bice serve as ex-officio members. “Following a thorough review of the state of the University System, it became abundantly clear there is significant room for growth in the board of trustees,” Witt said. “Just as I did during my time as University of Alabama presi-dent, I value as many sources of input as pos-sible. “I believe diversity of opinion is critical to the management of a successful system. After overseeing the expansion of University prop-erties and student enrollment grow to 30,000 since 2003, creating a more successful board of trustees was only a matter of transferring those same policies to the board.” Sources confirmed Chancellor Witt’s asser-tion that the state of Alabama had ample land for purchase, both occupied and unused. Areas
By Wesley VaughnCourtesy of The Capstonian (R.I.P. )
The University of Alabama campus was flooded last week during a light rain. Pools of water on sidewalks and streets made walking a living night-mare for students, leaving some marooned in buildings, including the Ferguson Center and Gorgas Library. Students couldn’t believe the impact of a slight shower on the campus grounds. “I was on the Quad, and you would have thought it was one big nasty pond,” said Melinda Forrester, a sopho-more majoring in dance. “Most of the sidewalks were submerged and I had to do that stupid tip-toe maneuver to get around large pools of water.” To navigate the flooded cam-pus, students improvised in a number of ways. Monty Edwards, a junior majoring in philosophy, used the CrimsonRide. “I never ever use the CrimsonRide because of how use-
less its routes are,” he said. “But, when it rains, you bet I’m going to cram in there with 50 other wet people to hitch a ride.” Freshman Elaine Williamson tried to stay dry by wearing appropriate rain gear. “The feet are the most impor-tant places to keep dry, so I wear my bright yellow flower-print rain boots,” Williamson said. “You’ve got to tuck your tights into them, though, or you just end up looking
ridiculous.” UA administra-tors admitted the campus isn’t built to handle rain. “We never planned for this campus to drain water at all,” Vice President o f G r o u n d Management Roger Sparkman said. “It
never rains in Tuscaloosa, so we just never prepared for it.” The University could easily solve drainage issues if a prob-lem does arise in the future, Sparkman said. “Until we do see evidence that it does in fact rain in Tuscaloosa, we will wait before taking any steps in any directions,” Sparkman said.
Chancellor Witt wants 30,000 trustees by Fall 2013
Light rain causes widespread fl ooding
By Tray SmithWhite Greek Male
Sadness swept over Nott Hall last night after the UA Supreme Council on Elections released the results from the 2012 University of Alabama Model U.N. elections. The newly formed White Greek Liberal Party, which gathered in the University Fellows lounge to await the results, failed to win any important positions. Party chair Ryan Flamerich said he thought the defeat was a result of miscommunication. “I think the party failed to connect with students because they thought they had to be white, greek and liberal to be a part,” Flamerich said. “Really, we should have called ourselves the ‘White, Greek or Liberal’ party, because you really only need to belong to one category to join the party. We are totally inclusive.” Flamerich added that he was not white or Greek, and he had been chosen party chair. He said the party was trying to open up opportunities for him and students like him. “I mean, just look, we are here in the University Fellows lounge, and this is a place where I would never be allowed to go if I weren’t party chair because I am not a Fellow,” he said. “But I get to hang out here now on special occasions because I am trying to help Fellows win elec-tions and connect to real peo-ple, and the Fellows have shown that they are willing to reward my loyalty.” This was the first campaign in years in which there was
any organized opposition to the long-dominant White Experienced Greek Leaders Party in the UA Model U.N. The mysterious chair of that party, who is known only by the letter Z, agreed to an interview under the condition that he be allowed to wear a brown paper bag over his head. “We’ve been around for a long time, and I think students just wanted to go with the devil they know,” Z said. “I mean, we were running against people, you know, who have opposed our International Apartheid Seating program for the World Cup, and who have even criti-cized our party because we don’t allow countries to tell their taxpayers how much money they are giving to us.” His words were muffled and, in the middle of the interview, Z agreed to tear off the part of the bag directly in front of his mouth. From the revealed skin above his lips, The Crimson White can confirm that Z, unlike his counterpart at the White Greek Liberal Party, is actually white. Z continued, calling the White Greek Liberals “radical.” “I think their positions on those issues were really just too radical for most of the stu-dent body to accept because all of those activities that we are involved in, they are traditions that have really been important to many countries and have really helped a lot of people out,” he said. But Collin Davis, a junior majoring in sociology, said he didn’t see any difference in the candidates. “I read a column
once about old money against new money; maybe it was in The CW,” Davis said. “That’s what this election seemed like. Old money versus new money, but nobody with no money, like me.” Flamerich said it was ridicu-lous to assume that the White Greek Liberals are as afflu-ent as the White Experienced Greek Leaders. “Having a lot of extra money from scholarship rebates is much different than hav-ing a trust fund,” Flamerich explained. Foreign policy professor William Armitage said the Model U.N. election exemplifies many of the challenges facing the international community. “All the candidates here were Greek,” Armitage said. “And it is apparent that Greece is going to hell, so we really need to ask why we aren’t seeing candi-dates from any other country. Do they think Greece just has it in the bag because they’ve been around forever?” Armitage said the apartheid-seating program was especially controversial, as many develop-ing countries want better seats. “Every year, it seems, I could predict the front row,” Armitage said. “It’s the U.S.A., Great Britain, Germany and Canada. Essentially, it’s just white peo-ple.” Armitage said the only excep-tion was in 2009, when a French native chaired the White Experienced Greek Leaders Party, and France ended up on the front row for the World Cup. “The next year, they ended up behind Israel,” he said.
White greeks lose to other white greeks in election
A large Ford F-150 with a new double-park permit parks in such a way that no other car will scrape its fi nely polished exterior.
CW File
of particular interest include the shoreline of the Black Warrior River. “Obviously, with swelling trustee member-ship, the board will need to look into ways to accommodate such a large number,” Chancellor Witt said. “By purchasing the land around the Black Warrior River, which we understand to be a coal-rich area, the board of trustees will be able power its own facilities with the energy pro-
duced from mining and burning the coal. This will make us the first-ever self-sustaining board of trustees in the United States and, possibly, the world.” Many in attendance raised doubts over the quality of the board diminishing. Some suggest-ed clear solutions to nuanced problems would be near impossible to identify by adding 29,985 voices to the board.
Gov. Bentley, who attended the press confer-ence with Chancellor Witt, addressed those concerns. “We are in the process of implementing a trustee training program,” Bentley said. “Run through the University of Alabama, our flag-ship university, administrators will identify both current students and incoming freshmenwho possess qualities we’ve determined to be major indicators of future administrative suc-cess. When these students graduate, they willbe integrated directly into the board.” Chancellor Witt added, “Once this occurs, the new members will move into dormitory-style facilities similar to the ones recently built on the UA campus. The UA system is in the processof purchasing buildings in the Montgomery area, which will be powered by the aforemen-tioned coal acquired from the river.” During a public question and answer session held at the end of the press conference, an areaman asked if the newly expanded board would consider a new football stadium for UAB. “Well, no,” Chancellor Witt responded. “At the moment, plans are in the works to build anew dome stadium in Montgomery. The board intends to field an Arena League Football team,so for the time being, the Blazers are just going to have to sit tight in Legion Field.”
Submitted PhotoAny resemblance the new Trustee Assembly may have to the Galactic Senate is entirely coincidental.
“Until we do see evidence that it does in fact rain in Tuscaloosa, we will wait before taking any steps in any directions.
— Roger Sparkman
CW | John Michael SimpsonStudents cross a fl ooded Quad after a light drizzle.
1218 University Blvd. 205-752-2990 www.locker-room.biz
The Crimson White reserves the right to edit all guest columns
and letters to the editor.
“Iʼm glad April 1 is on a Sunday this year and we wonʼt have to deal with
another stupid CW April Foolʼs
edition.”
— Robert Witt
“What youʼve just written is one of the most insanely
idiotic things I have ever read.
At no point in your rambling, incoher-ent articles were you even close to
anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this
campus now dumb-er for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
— Jeb
YOUR VIEW { }
MehOUR VIEW
In short: Y’all bein’ childish.{
EDITORIAL BOARDVictor Luckerson Moderator
Jonathan Reed Voice of reasonWill Tucker Idealist
SoRelle Wyckoff The workhorseJohn Davis Hater
Drew Hoover ContrarianSarah Massey
The Quiet One
(Noun) really grinds my gears
The campus of the University of Alabama is rife with divisions. We divide ourselves based on race — from our fraternities and sororities to the tables in the dining halls; we split along the lines of greek affiliation, stu-dent group mem-bership, majors, AP credits, what state we come fromand countless other differences. The Crimson White has faithfully and tirelessly reported on these divisions from day one. It’s our job. We have worked to uncover corruption and expose the problems students deal with every day. But every day, there’s something new. “Blah blah, it’s too crowded. Blah blah, there’s nowhere to park. Blah blah, where is the administration when you need it? Blah blah he’s a racist. Blah blah, oh my gosh that girl is wearing the same dress as me to this party.” Come on. Sometimes, you know, we agree. We sit down, talk about our opinions and write these little Our Views where we try to take a stand. And for what? What happens? Do you guys even read these? The president of a glorified mock government resigns over fake politics. Someone else gets hit by a car. The president of the University leaves the campus in 30,000 shambles. You know what? We’re tired of all of this. Half the newsroom is a month away from gradu-ation, and by “graduation,” we mean wiping our unemployed butts with our diplomas. We under-stand that we’re willing passengers on a sinking ship, but that doesn’t mean we have to put up with your petty issues. We’ve got our own problems, and you know what? Sometimes we just want a drink. But, no. We can’t even unwind at a bar because every time we put our feet up, a McDonalds has to get Hepatitis A or new anti-CW Twitter account gets started. So, we’re done. We’ve been hiding a bottle of Jack in a drawer next to our desk, and now, we don’t feel guilty about cracking it open. Enjoy being in the dark because we’re going to enjoy leaving you there. It is the opinion of the editorial board that we are going to take a nap.
Our View is the consensus of The Crimson White’s editorial board. Chief Copy Editor John Davis recused himself from the nap and went to the bar instead.
By _______________
You know what really grinds my gears? Those _______________ teachers. _______________ teachers with
all those _______________ classes, jumping around there in _______________, half-_______________ with your
_______________ outfits. You know?
They’re out there _______________ around and I’m just _______________ here with my _______________. So,
what am I supposed to do? What you want?
I don’t know, are we going to go _______________? Is that what you’re trying to teach? Why are you
________________ around there, throwing this _______________ all up in my _______________, over there in my
face?
But I digress. What do you want, ________________? Tell me what you want.
Well, I’ll tell you what you want; you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that
no member of the _______________ anywhere wants to _______________ with anyone, and to ________________
us with any _______________ otherwise is ... is just _______________.
You know what else grinds my gears? Where in the Student Code of Conduct does it say that a _______________
can’t _______________ off some _______________ in the privacy of _______________ while his neighbor’s at
_______________ because I don’t have a DVD player? Well, I don’t know where it says it because the Student
Code of Conduct was way too long to read!
You know what really grinds my gears though? People in _______________. Why don’t they get with the
_______________ program? When they go to _______________, don’t they know they look _______________? It’s
called a _______________, folks. Everybody knows _______________ is better anyway.
Well, it appears I’ve been fired. Well, as long as I’m no longer working here, let me tell you something: You
know what really grinds my gears? You, _______________! And _______________ you, The Crimson White.
_______________ is a _______________ majoring in _______________ in New College.
(SUBJECT)
(ANIMAL)
(ADJECTIVE)
(ADJECTIVE)(NOUN)
(VERB)VERB(POLITICAL PARTY)
(POLITICIAN)
(BODY PART)(CLASS ASSIGNMENT)(GERUND)
(VERB)
(NOUN)(GERUND)(GERUND)
(ADJECTIVE)
(ADJECTIVE)(CAMPUS BUILDING)
(SUBJECT)
(STUDENT ORGANIZATION)
(PLACE)
(CAMPUS BUILDING)(NOUN)(VERB)
(HIGHER INSTITUTION)
(STUDENT ORGANIZATION)(NOUN)
(ADJECTIVE)(CAMPUS EVENT)(ADJECTIVE)
(EXPLETIVE)
(YEAR)(PERSON) (CHILDHOOD ACTIVITY)
(PERSON)
By Jared Downing
When I came to the University of Alabama, it was hard to adjust to college academic standards. I would find myself rushing to class, missing homework and cramming late into the night for exams. I found that slacking off was actually more stressful than diligent study! Then one day, glancing over Spark Notes ten minutes before a test, it hit me: I had always been a lazy procrastinator slacking, but my techniques were improvised, uncalculated and sloppy. What I needed was a new, refined system of slacking: The Downing Method of Procrastination. Three years ago, the Downing Method became the first formal theory of academic evasion. It takes the habits natural to every slacker and gives them struc-ture and purpose. It involved careful study of course syllabi to discover loopholes in professors’ attendance policies, systematic flattery to get on a teacher’s good side and even developed a seating theory to go unnoticed in any classroom, from the lecture halls of Bidgood to the seminar rooms of Lloyd. I found that the correct use of ambiguous language can produce a doctor’s note for any made up condition, and a well-placed off-topic question could easily burn 20 minutes of class time with a discussion of Che Guevara’s facial hair. The Method soon grew larger than I had ever dreamed. Today, the techniques of refined slacking are practiced from the pasty nerds of the Honors cluster to the jocks of greek row. The community has developed a new course catalogue organized by attendance policy, regularly meets to discuss the lat-est exam make-up loopholes and has even designed a brail overlay for cell phone keypads to make in-class texting possible under the most vigilant teacher’s nose. Sometimes they work together — groups of stu-dents often send a mole into a class to alert the other others (who wait ready in the hallway) if attendance is being taken or a pop quiz given that day. But systematic time wasting is not a new phenom-enon. Figures from Abraham Lincoln to J.K. Rowling have carefully used their leverage and resources to put off even vitally important work for years at a time, proudly pissing off everybody. It is well known among historians that Genghis Khan only conquered nations to avoid doing his calligraphy homework. “A minute wasted is a minute earned.” With this motto, I have attended class 11 times this semester and have a 4.0 GPA. I regularly get 13 hours of sleep and am carrying on four separate relationships. I only hope that the Downing Method will continue to grow on this campus, and even beyond, until students around the nation are leaving no hour unnecessar-ily put to good use. Perhaps one day, universities will even have official Procrastination Advisors to help students get the least out of their education. There is no limit to we can’t do.
Jared Downing is a senior majoring in anything but going to class.
Get organized about procrastinating
The Crimson White editorial meeting
By Tray Smith
In the 2011 film “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,” a group of British intelligence officials share insig-nificant secrets with a Soviet diplomat in London in turn for more meaningful information he provides about the Soviets. What they don’t know is one member of their group is actually a Soviet spy who uses the information exchange as cover to leak much more sensitive secrets to the Soviet Union. In the end, the joke is on them. For the past year, my col-leagues, superiors and subordi-nates at The Crimson White have often reminded me of those baf-flingly stupid British agents. People have frequently asked how I, as a greek student, can cover the Machine for the CW. But, was there ever really any question which side I chose? Surely no one seriously thinks beach trips and bar tabs are the only secrets the Machine is keep-ing. Nevertheless, The Crimson White and some of its readers, under the preposterous idea that greeks care about how such an insignificant amount of money is being spent, thought that was a stunning revelation. So, they focused all of their attention on that issue while we focused on what was truly important: main-taining total control of everything outside of The Crimson White. So far, we’ve been successful. My involvement with the Machine began last spring when I met an unnamed Tuscaloosa City
councilman at a polling station for the Sunday sales vote. The coun-cilman told me the Machine had actually elected him to the coun-cil, and that if I did the right thing and talked to the right people, I could go far in the world, like he had. I’ve always wanted to be on the Tuscaloosa City Council, so this guy really had me from “hello” (and no, it wasn’t Kip Tyner). Two weeks later, I was abducted from my dorm room, blindfolded and taken to an undisclosed loca-tion. I was forced to eat an entire box of original glazed donuts fresh off the Krispy Kreme Hot Wheel. Those were still the good ol’ days, when we had Krispy Kreme. By this time, the Machine real-ized it had made a grave mistake in last year’s election by support-ing people who hated the Machine. A new strategy was needed. But the Machine couldn’t just come out in the open and admit it was changing strategy. That would be very, well, unMachine-like. I was taken back to my dorm where I was pushed out of the car, still blindfolded. I wandered aim-lessly outside for a few seconds before a random GDI helped me remove the blindfold. I threatened
him with death if he told anyone about the incident. For the next week, I thought about what had happened and tried to think of how we could solve the Machine’s problems. Finally, I received a text message telling me to report to Lakeside Dining at 9 p.m., Sunday. If you’re a Machine member, Lakeside never closes. It’s one of the few perks for all the hard work the Machine members do. When I was arrived, I was met by a small group of people who referred to themselves only as “lords.” They explained that my involvement with them would have to be kept completely silent, even from the Machine’s other members. The lords wanted to rebrand the Machine and support candi-dates from non-Machine groups and even minorities, but the other Machine members would have never supported that plan unless they felt desperate. So, to get them to do what they had to do to win, we created a scandal that forced seven of our own people to resign. We leaked some secrets that incriminated us, but we kept the real secrets. We bought domain names for our own can-didates and registered them to GDIs so that we could embarrass the opposition. And we won. We played The Crimson White the same way the Russians played those stupid Brits. The joke is on them. April Fool’s.
Tray Smith is the campus corrup-tion editor of The Crimson White.
In the midst of a lawsuit by the University of Alabama over the proper use of Crimson Tide colors and logos, the University has officially trademarked “Roll Tide” as its own property. The move comes as artist Daniel Moore continues his legal battle over his right to depict classic moments in Crimson Tide football moments in his paintings. “With regard to trademark infringement, UA argued that t he First Amendment does not give anyone the right to infringe on oth-ers’ trademarks,” a UA spokeswoman said. “Of course we believe freedom of expres-sion is a key component of the University of Alabama experience. But don’t get it twist-ed: freedom ain’t free.” The trademark, approved by the United States Patent and Trademark Office, will allow the University to collect royalty fees any time someone writes or utters the phrase “Roll Tide.” Students will be charged $1 to their student account each time they utter the iconic cheer. Some students, already strapped for cash, have expressed frustration with the new fine. “Drunkenly screaming ‘Roll Tide’ on gameday weekend is a tradition as noble as homecoming,” said Thomas Ford, a
senior majoring in communication studies. “There’s no price you can put on it.” Today alone the University has accumu-lated hundreds of thousands of dollars from students showing school spirit. President Judy Bonner said she wanted to assure stu-dents that the money would be used in a productive manner. “At the University of Alabama, we are always very deliberate in how we spend funds,” Bonner said. “However, that doesn’t mean necessarily that we’ll be able to divulge that information to students. FERPA, FERPA, something something.” Even more lucrative than the student fee will be the money generated on gamedays. The entire athletic department will likely be funded through students and fans express-ing their love for the University of Alabama. Operatives trained by the Internal Revenue Service will rove the Quad on gameday to collect money from fans. Those that refuse to pay will be escorted off the campus and may have future tickets revoked. By charging non-students also, Bonner hopes to lower the number of controversial incidents involving fans. “We’re hoping to avoid another teabagging scenario,” she said. “That was pretty awkward.” UA lawyers are also looking into claim-ing a retroactive trademark to sue ESPN into oblivion for that ‘Roll Tide’ commercial they made in 2010.
A recent study shows that students at Auburn University make up, by far, the largest portion of the readers of The Crimson White. Studies investigating CW readership that began last year following Rosa Owens’s historic odyssey — the reading of every article in a single edi-tion — have yielded very odd results. First and very surprisingly, Rosa’s case of reading the paper from front to back was not an isolated incident. In reality, more than 15,000 copies of the publication are delivered
every day to a group of fervent regular readers. What shocked the research group conducting the study, though, was that the large number of newspapers was not going to University of Alabama students, or even people in and around Tuscaloosa. The papers were being shipped to Auburn University, one edition for every man, woman and cow on campus. “The numbers are amazing, really,” said Paul Wright, direc-tor of UA’s Office of Student Media. “At first, we thought they were just using the paper to litter in their public areas because of some kind of toilet paper shortage, but then, we realized every day they posted
something like 700 threads on some site about tiger drop-pings, and it became evident that they’d actually read this stuff.” The posts on that site have
ranged from fairly innocent notes that calmly point out errors in grammar or spelling to heated debates on the jour-nalistic integrity of “articles” on the Opinions page.
“Is this the bammer reject newspaper or something?! These bammin’ bammer ram-mer jammers don’t have a lick of objectivity in ‘em,” said one AU English major on the site, responding to a column on The CW’s Opinions page. “Boycott these bammer articles! Fire the editors of this turd litera-ture!” One UA student, an obvious newcomer to the forum, hoped he could set the record straight in a peaceful manner. “This is an opinions column on the Opinions page,” he post-ed. “I’m just saying, this isn’t supposed to be objective.” The student has since disap-peared. Realizing the Auburn
students closely examining The CW were completely untapped crowd-sourcing material, UA’s student newspaper has begun polling this odd readership with unprecedented results. Yesterday’s poll, which read, “Why are you people read-ing so many of our papers?” has already gathered 11,000 responses. “The Plainsman just isn’t something we can AUBsess over,” one student answered. “As the Auburn family, we’re all in. All into The Crimson White!” The reports have stunned members of the UA communi-ty, where a single paper being taken from the stands is a mar-vel.
The University of Alabama, in response to demands from stu-dents who’ve said they deserve to have clean lungs, has announced that instead of implementing the popular idea of designated smoking areas on campus, they will distribute houndstooth-pat-terned gas masks to concerned students. “First off,” said a UA spokes-man, taking a long drag on his cigarette, “There’s really no rea-son to believe there are health concerns definitively linked to smoking a little tobacco. Let’s be real, people. This stems from the same liberal agenda that would see us lower tuition and inte-grate the greek system.” The official then paused to ash. “Secondly,” he said, “smoking zones would be pretty complicat-ed. I mean, I guess we could just repurpose a parking lot some-where for a smoking pavilion
since no one really gripes about parking anymore, but we’ve decided the gas masks will more or less silence the naysayers.” Reactions to the masks and their design have been mixed. Big fans of Coach Bryant and the football program he immortal-ized have really gotten behind the masks and were the first to sign up for its distribution.
Others, though, have said ask-ing nonsmokers to wear gas masks in public places to keep their bodies cancer-free is ask-ing too much, and it will take more than a houndstooth design to change their minds. “It’s ... it’s just hideous,” said Mackenzie Brown, some fresh-man majoring in finance, I think . “Who would ever wear this thing? Why did they think this was a good idea?” Supporters of the initiative, though, called it innovative and strikingly attractive. Some smok-ers are even signing up for the masks to add another article to their white-and-black-checkered wardrobes. “First, they whine about smok-ing on campus,” said Tray Smith, a super-greek studying some-thing or another. “Then, the University solves the problem. Not only do they solve it, but they also solve it in a way that is balls-to-the-walls awesome. The Bear would be proud of this, and these kids are still moaning about it ... What a bunch of GDIs!”
Study shows AU students majority of CW readers
In response to complaints, UA to distribute houndstooth gasmasks
‘Roll Tide’ trademarked
CW | Even SzczepanskiNew houndstooth gas masks will keep non-smokers from getting cancer.
CW | Mackenzie BrownSome ugly Auburn student shudders as he reads the Crimson White.
6 Friday, April 1, 2012 NEWS? The Crimson White
By Zac Al-KhateebAssistant Sports Editor
In an unprecedented move in col-lege football conference realignment, two new teams have decided to join the Southeastern Conference: the Jacksonville Jaguars and Tennessee Titans. The teams announced Wednesday they will become the 15th and 16th members of the SEC beginning in the 2013-2014 season. Both teams are currently mem-bers of the AFC South, along with the Indianapolis Colts and Houston Texans. The Jaguars finished with a 5-11 record, while the Titans fin-ished with a 9-7 record. Neither team made the playoffs, so it’s easy to see why they wanted to try their luck in the college game. Jaguars owner Shahid Kahn and Titans owner Bud Adams announced their teams’ move early
Wednesday morning. Kahn said he first came up with the idea to join the SEC after watching the National Championship game between the LSU Tigers and Alabama Crimson Tide on Jan. 9, when his team other-wise would have been in the playoffs. “I thought, ‘Well, if they don’t have to win every game at the college level to go to the championship any-more, we might actually be better off playing college ball,” Kahn said. “So, me and Adams here decided to bombard Goodell with requests
to leave the NFL. We never actual-ly thought he’d let us go, though.” When asked what possessed him to let the two teams leave the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said he was unaware they actually left. “You’re kidding,” Goodell said, flab-bergasted. “Both their owners called me, but I thought they were drunk, so I just decided to humor them. I didn’t really think they’d leave!” SEC commissioner Mike Slive said he was excited about adding two new teams to the conference. “With these teams, I’m sure the SEC will continue dominating col-lege football,” Slive said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we won another six-straight championships! Not to mention all our increased revenue.” Still, Jaguars’ and Titans’ head coaches Mike Mularkey and Mike Munchak seemed less than thrilled
to join the SEC. The two held a joint press conference at noon Thursday to address their move. “There’s a reason we left the NFL,” Mularkey said. “We were in the AFC South, and now, we’re moving to the SEC? There are four freakin’ teams that can beat us on any given day here; whereas, in our last division, there were only three. You do the math.”
Three of the four teams were Alabama, LSU and Arkansas. Members of the media finally asked who the fourth team was. “Georgia. Yeah, that’s right, I said Georgia,” Munchak said. “That should tell you a little about the predicament we’re in.” Alabama head coach Nick Saban, the only SEC coach to actu-ally believe the reports so far, said he expects the newest SEC teams to experience some grow-ing pains from the move. He then rescinded the statement, saying he doesn’t believe in expectations. Still, Saban said he’s not worried about the two newest SEC teams. “I said to our guys, ‘Look, guys, we’re basically an NFL team in col-lege anyway,’” Saban said. “’We’ll be fine.’ I’m not worried. Alabama is still king of this castle.”
FOOTBALL
Jaguars, Titans leave NFL for greener pastures
By Mackenzie BrownThe Freshman
As part of a master plan to expand the University and, more importantly, greek life, the President’s Mansion will be converted into the Omicron Omicron Omicron Omicron house in Fall 2012. “It’s truly an eyesore,” a UA spokeswoman said. “Right smack in the middle of this picturesque campus sits a white plantation home; very inap-propriate for a college campus.” Historians believe the mansion was once used to house the University’s president, although Interim President Judy Bonner has no intentions of living in the residence. “Why would anyone want to live there? It’s old, it stinks and I don’t want to wake up in the mid-dle of the night to hear a bunch of sorority girls partying out my back window,” Bonner said. “My dance party days ended in the early 2000s.” Quad Omi has its doubts about the new house. “We totally appreciate getting this house,” Quad Omi President Betsy McBeemer said. “It’s so much better than that apartment we used to meet in, but, like, it’s so old. And small.” Other sororities have shown disapproval at
having the greek organization so close to sorority row. Quad Omi is not a member of the Machine, a traditionally white coalition of blah blah blah blah blah. “I’m not so sure about having them right
outside my front door,” said one sorority member, whose new house is being built behind the man-sion. “They are kind of weird. I heard they don’t even vote in SGA elections.” Architectural historian Thomas O’Brien
expressed concern with the change. “The idea is completely ridiculous. This build-ing survived the fire during the Civil War and serves as a symbol of this University and its architectural history. Converting it to a sorority house is a disgrace to this University,” O’Brien said before being escorted out of the room by a UA representative. Upon returning, O’Brien had a change of heart. “It makes sense. Currently the building serves only as a façade. Despite its history, architec-tural significance and the fact that IT’S ON THE NATIONAL REGISTER OF HISTORIC PLACES, we should probably just tear it down and build something else newer and bigger.” Chancellor Robert Witt said converting the mansion is part of the University’s plan to give greek students, who constitute roughly only 30 percent of the campus, more influence at the University. “It totally makes sense,” Witt said. “I am proud of Dr. Bonner. I just wish I had come up with it during my term as president. Essentially, our plan is to make every building along University Boulevard either a greek house or Bryant-Denny.” When asked about the future of other University Boulevard buildings, such as Rose Administration, Reese Phifer Hall and The Crimson White’s own Office of Student Media, Witt simply said, “No comment, especially about that last one.”
President’s Mansion to be converted to sorority houseTiny residence will be for one of the small, lame sororities
“I recognize the concerns students at the University of Alabama have had with the flourishing of our student pop-ulation,” Witt said. “We found the Tuscaloosa campus’s lack of space disturbing, so we thought now would be a good time to put many students in outer space.” In a clever bit of legal maneu-vering, the Crimson Star has been enrolled as a part-time student, meaning precise details about the finan-cial costs of the project are pro-tected by federal privacy laws. However, Witt confirmed that funding the revolutionary proj-ect would not affect the student experience at the Tuscaloosa campus. “Obviously we’ll get most of the cash from UAB and UAH,” Witt said. “And Coach Saban,
who is actually a huge space enthusiast, has agreed to donate a portion of his salary over the next eight seasons to the Crimson Star project. So to all the naysayers who com-plained about his recent raise, I guess now I’d agree that his sal-
ary is astronomi-cal.” In exchange for Saban’s fund-ing, the space station will fea-ture an athletic facility where Tide players can practice in a zero-gravity environment. “I think throwing a pass that travels thou-sands of miles into deep space
will really help my mental game,” starting quarterback AJ McCarron said. In addition to the athletic field, there is already a sec-tion of the station partitioned for fraternities and sororities. The area, tentatively dubbed “Galactic Row,” will maintain the tradition of large, lavish mansions for wealthy white col-lege students, only in space. “With this new campus,
our greek life will continue to develop. Yes, I think our frater-nity and sorority members will enjoy living in this … machine,” Witt said, tapping his fingers together lightly. With UA students becoming
CRIMSON STAR FROM PAGE 1
‘Galactic Row’ may not accept alien life
some of the first humans in his-tory to live away from Earth for an extended period, the discov-ery of alien life is something future students and administra-tors may have to deal with. Witt said he’d be happy to take any extraterrestrial’s tuition dol-lars. However, he would not go so far as to say they’d be welcome on Galactic Row. When asked several questions about the importance of species diversity in a theoretical greek system where different types of life forms might want to intermin-gle, he said those groups were free to determine their own membership. “I think it’s better for us to focus on the current issues,” Witt said. “One exciting ele-ment of this move is that with four campuses, the University of Alabama system will now qualify for ‘empire’ status from the federal government.” With this new designation, the UA empire will be able to operate autonomously from the state government. Witt’s title will also be changed from chan-cellor to emperor. Witt declined to comment on
Bonner said stepping down as interim president will come with pride and disappointment. “What I was able to do was set a standard for future female leaders at this uni-versity,” she said. “However, I wish I could have connect-ed better with students.” Paul Bryant Jr., president pro tempore of the Board of Trustees, explained the deci-sion to name Blankenship as the successor to Witt. “Well of course this has nothing to do with students, but we felt it was necessary to find someone who sup-ported what we value: Bama sports,” he said. Bryant said Bonner has served the University well as interim president. “She is by far the best female president we have ever had, and probably the only one we will have,” he said. When asked about Blankenship’s involvement in the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity at the University, Bryant said he was unaware of it. “Let me make it clear that ATO shouldn’t get a kick out of this,” Bryant said. “We simply saw this guy waving his face sign on the TV screen and thought, ‘He could do what Witt does.’ Nothing more than that.” Blankenship was called, texted, faxed, emailed, tweeted and Facebook messaged but could not be reached for comment. An agent claiming to represent Blankenship said he was invited to be a contestant in a Chinese game show and would not be back on cam-pus until next week. “Blankenship realizes that being away from UA is not a good step as the new president, but that’s kind of what his predecessor did all the time,” the agent said.
FACE FROM PAGE 1
Trustees discovered face on television
the superlaser to be mounted on the Crimson Star’s frame to the right of what will be the largest script “A” insignia in the galaxy. However, an official in the facilities and grounds department con-firmed that the device would be used to target students, faculty and staff whose thoughts, words or actions did not fall in line with the goals of the UA empire. A rendering of the superla-ser obtained by The Crimson White included the words “Order 66” in handwritten pen. The Crimson White has yet to determine the cryptic phrase’s meaning. When asked whether the incomprehensibly powerful weapon would ever be used to quell the First Amendment rights of student media, Witt looked upon the schematics of his Crimson Star, tapped his fingers together lightly and smiled.
Editor’s Note: The Crimson White is moving its offices to an undisclosed location outside the Tuscaloosa city limits.
Source cannot be released for his own safetySchematics obtained by The Crimson White show a cross section of the Crimson Star and a handwrit-ten note. The CW has yet to determine its meaning, but let’s just say, we are freaking the hell out.
“Obviously we’ll get most of the cash from UAB and UAH.
And Coach Saban, who is actually a huge space enthu-siast, has agreed to donate a portion of his salary over
the next eight seasons to the Crimson Star project.
— Robert Witt
Located at the southwest corner of
McFarland Blvd. and 15th Street.
For more information, visit
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Monday: Altar’d State – Altar’d State will donate 10% of your total purchase to your philanthropy.
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Thursday: European Wax Center – 10% off any service
The James Beard Foundation — the national authority on all things culinary — recent-ly announced their awards’ finalists for 2012. The state of Alabama was well represented on the list, garnering attention in many categories, such as Best Southern Chef and Outstanding Restaurant. The latter category included two Alabama res-taurants: Highlands Bar and Grill in Birmingham and the Waffle House on the Strip in Tuscaloosa. “We’re excited to be among such great company,” said Matt Schneider, head chef at Waffle House on The Strip. “My colleague, Frank Stitts at Highlands, is an excellent chef.” This is the first culinary award Waffle House has received since its founding in 1955. Schneider contends that the sudden rec-ognition may have something to do with their newly diversified menu. “We’ve been doing a lot of dif-ferent things with the waffles,” Schneider said. “Blueberries, strawberries, chocolate — we have a lot of waffles.” The James Beard Foundation compiled a list of menu choices deemed perfect for different occasions: “If you’re dining alone, get the waffles and coffee,” he said. “To impress a date, be sure to try
the waffles and coffee. To excite your business colleagues, order the waffles and house. These eclectic and savory choices offer something for every type of din-ing experience.” In the restaurant’s almost-60 year tenure, it has served more than 800 million waffles, 2.5 bil-lion eggs and enough cups of coffee to fill nearly 400 Olympic swimming pools. Despite the rich history, many customers are puzzled by the award. “You’re kidding me,” said Debbie Howard, a graduate student studying elementary education. “The James Beard Foundation clearly made an egregious error by overlooking the McDonald’s in Northport.” On the other hand, many cus-tomers think the acknowledg-
ment is overdue. “My wife and I have eaten at Waffle House every day for the last 20 years,” said Billy Bob Santorum, a Tuscaloosa area man. “And this new one is a classy joint.” Haley Simpson, a junior majoring in apparel design, also described the place as a favorite destination for date night. “Whenever my boyfriend and I want to go out for a nice meal and a bag of wine, we go to Waffle House,” Simpson said. Those who do not frequent the restaurant are also intrigued. “I drive down the Strip every night,” said Harlan Lane, profes-sor of social psychology. “The line is always long, and those men in the tuxes make it seem even more exclusive. I really
Strip Waffl e House fi nalist for national culinary award
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CW FileThe Waffl e House located on the Strip is quickly becoming a staple because of its gourmet waffl es and unparalleled bacon.
By Marquavius BurnettSports Editor@Marq_Burnett
An unnamed source confirmed that junior forward Tony Mitchell was suspended indefi-nitely by head coach Anthony Grant for talk-ing about Grant’s mama. The unnamed source said Mitchell fired off a string of “yo mama” jokes, forcing Grant to throw him out of practice and off the team. “Tony really crossed the line this time,” said a 7-foot-1 Swedish center who asked to remain anonymous. “Tony had to know that talking about Grant’s mama would make him angry. I’m Swedish, and I knew that.” The encounter took place during practice after Grant yelled at Mitchell for not run-ning the correct play. Mitchell took offense to Grant’s tone and hit Grant with a few “yo mama so fat,” and “yo mama so stupid” jokes. The two got in each other’s faces and had to be restrained by coaches and other players. “I was seriously scared for Tony,” said a 7-foot-1 Swedish center who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean have you seen the size of Grant’s hands? He would have snapped him like a twig.” Grant neither confirmed nor denied that the incident happened, but said, “Don’t nobody talk about my mama.”
Mitchell was less than apologetic when asked about the incident. In fact, he took more shots at his former coach. “Grant looks tough and acts tough on the sideline, but he’s soft,” Mitchell said. “I’m not scared of him, and I’ll say what I said again. He’s lucky the team got between us.” Even though Mitchell was disrespectful, his teammates found humor in the face off between the two. “Those jokes were funny as hell,” said a 7-foot-1 Swedish center who asked to remain anonymous. “The entire team, including the coaching staff, was rolling on the floor laugh-ing. I was literally ROTFLMFAO.” Mitchell’s status with the team for next year is still uncertain. Grant said he would not even consider Mitchell’s status until after the sea-son. He also said Mitchell owed Mama Grant a huge apology. “Mama Grant did nothing to deserve this,” Grant said. “I’m a lot nicer than her because if she was here, she would have bent him over her knee and given him an old fashion butt whippin’.” Head football coach Nick Saban got wind of the fight and said he would not have been as nice as Grant was to Mitchell. “I wouldn’t have kicked him off the team,” Saban said. “I’d make him run until I got tired. I told Grant to make his ass quit.”
‘Yo Mama’ talk led to suspension of Tony Mitchell
CW FileHead coach Anthony Grant and junior Tony Mitchell get in an argument during a game last season. Grant suspended Mitchell during the season for calling out his mama.
The Crimson White NEWS? Friday, April 1, 2012 7
hope to go some day; I’ll have to avoid the dinner rush.” Avoiding that dinner rush may be easier than Lane thinks. The Waffle House experiences its largest influx of customers around 2 a.m. every morning,
when neighboring businesses and bars close. This reporter visited the restaurant during this busy hour. Many people had no idea they were waiting in line at an award-winning establishment.
“I’m here to vomit,” said David Kidder, a sophomore majoring in business administration. When asked to comment on the award, Bert Thornton, presi-dent of Waffle House, replied, “What?”
for the Machine. “They got a 100-year-old hustle, and I respect that,” West said. “No one GDI should have all that power.” Rumors of the artists’ Machine affiliation began last month when the rappers released “Matt,” a remix of their hit song “Otis,” in support of Matt Calderone’s Student Government Association presi-dential campaign. West con-firmed that he and Machine candidate Calderone were actually longtime friends. “There’s a really funny story about me, Matt and Aziz Ansari in a Pakistani delicatessen,” West said. “But I’m saving that one for the next album.” The musical endorsement seems to have worked wonders for Calderone, who beat presi-
dential hopefuls David Wilson and Shea Stripling decisive-ly in the March 6 election. Wilson attempted to combat Calderone’s star power with a video of his own, featuring endorsements from players AJ McCarron, Vinnie Sunseri and Robert Lester. But the Crimson Tide stars seemed to resonate less with students. “Clearly, the main issue for students in this election was which candidate could get more famous people to say they were cool,” said Sean Carter, a political science pro-fessor. “And I mean, come on, having Jay AND Ye? That’s a tough combo to beat.” Despite the clear endorse-ment, Calderone has to this point disavowed any associa-tion with West, who is a polar-izing figure in pop culture. “Kanye West supporting me is a decision that I was not a part of,” Calderone said. “I wasn’t there, I’ve never been to a Kanye West concert, I’ve
never been invited to a Ye afterparty. Clearly, I’m aware of his existence, and I guess he’s supporting me this year. But it’s not support that I sought out. I did not solicit it in any way. I’m not looking for endorsement from any enter-tainer not recognized by this University.” Jay-Z, on the other hand, is excited to voice his associa-tion with both Calderone and the Machine. He hopes to use his clout to bring the Machine aboveground for marketing purposes. “Secret societies are played out, like tall tees and Nas,” Hov said. Ever the businessman, Jay-Z has a large line of merchandise planned for the Machine, capi-talizing on the group’s intrigue and mysterious history. “We’re gonna have Machine T-shirts, Machine koozies, Machine vodka. Hell, I’m gonna start a Machine night-club,” Jay-Z said. “Well, besides Gallettes.”
ILLUMINATI FROM PAGE 1
Jay, Ye stop paying attention to throne
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Several weeks after Bama Memes clogged students’ Facebook feeds with incorrectly-used meme jokes, the Office of University Relations has released several memes of its own in an attempt to better relate to students. According to a UA spokeswoman, University Relations convened a fifteen-member panel — all white men over the age of 60 — to write memes to circulate around cam-pus. F or student input, the group allowed newly-elected SGA President Matt Calderone to serve as an ex-officio member of the panel.
“I’m confident we used all the memes correctly,” Calderone said. “A majority of students will be able to relate to these jokes.” University Relations hopes the campaign will serve to better the image of the University. “These mee-mees are just fun,” a University spokes-woman said. “They’re hip. It’s what the kids are doing these days. We at the University of Alabama are always ahead of the curve when it comes to communicating with the average student — who, I’d like to add, is a Rhodes Scholar.” The Crimson White obtained several advance copies of the memes University Relations intends to publish. Each has been verified by two or more anonymous sources.
