50pIssue 7, November 2012

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Front cover illustration by Kim Cruickshank.Check out her blog at http://kimcruickshank.blogspot.com/

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theedinburghrascal@gmail.com

Aftair my dear couzin Jeffrey becomafflictéd with a sudden attaque ofGout, eez fingairs av beentemporairally incapassitéd. Zee editairsof Ze Rascool av kandlee asked moi totake his plaice, and I av grassfullyagreed. From reading thisunintellectual merde­rag intermittentlyovair thee last few months, it hasbecome clair to me that there is a strictanti­French bias at werk. Pour moi,mes amies, it completely ovair­looksthe links between arrr grett countreez.

For a start, ze French, and ma famille inparticulair, has been, like the"raisonable" English Monsieur Tiptonewrites about, especially invested in thephilosophie of "le pragmatisme".During the Dreyfus affaire, the De LaRoches alternated between being anti­Semites and, when it becamefashionable for a time, Zionistes. Andduring the Second Wehrld War, mygrandfathér was a devoted militia­manfor the Vichy government beforebecoming one of the chief barbérsafter the liberation.

Of course, there eez a great contra­intellectuale bias in England. I knowthis from ze caliber of yourphilosophérs ­ A.C Grayling is a boringfart with a face like an embalmedarchbishop, currently getting paid£105,000 a week to speak aboutWittgenstein to the idiot spawn ofinvestment bankérs. In yourdesperation to try and scrounge somemore attractive minds, you have givenze world Melvyn Bragg and Alain DeBotton (a Switzerlandér in disguise!),

specialistes in makeeng Cliff Notes­for­dummies versions of the historie dephilosophie.

In sharpp contraste, radical philosophérssuch as Andre Glucksmann are given talkradio shows in France, putting thee leftiesback in thair plaice with incredible styleand vairve. Politicians are economistestoo, and Dominique Strauss­Kahn is ofcourse by far sexiér than any equivalentBrit can be, whilst being a veryprovocotieev thinkér also.

En conclusione, there are things thatyou Rosbifs can learn from us, andfrom Normans to now, we have towork ensemble. Bind togethér tofight the real enemies ­ ze Algerians,and ze Germans!See the ways thatwe can get awayfrom more

Euroskepticisme ­ Mr Sarkozy iscracking down on ze fashonne choi­sez of Mozlems women, as well aspromising to vacuum away thescum from les banlieus... here iscertainly a lesson for MonsieurCameroone in tackling the streeturchens in Hacknee! Away fromthees, the glorious Le Pen family arehaving round­table discussions withregardes tactiqual book burning.

I cannot envisage thees happening ­yew Haggis muncheening clods are fartoo sluggeesh to understand!!

An hoo cares about a triple­Á ratting, itsounds like some kind of brakdownrécovery servécé. At least we avsomething you cúnt take away. In lés

wordès of the ministairé from leDépartmente Officiale du Mange,

"your cheese is not fromage, yourwine is not vin, and your women arenot les belles femmes, so pffff."

SALUT.

AC Grayling, embalmedbishop who learns by eating leslivres

The new Home Officeban on bringing inchefs from India,Pakistan andBangladesh has causeda shortage of workersto man the restaurantsthat make up the UK's£3.2 billion curryindustry. Eric Pickles,the Secretary of Statefor Communities andLocal Government, hascoined the idea of'Curry Colleges' toteach British peoplehow to fill the labourgap. It is also believedthe new colleges, whichwill offer degrees incooking 'Indian' food,will aid culturalintegration...

Patients in NHS hospitals across the country arehaving to watch the health secretary addressingthem every three or four minutes on monitorsabove their beds.The Conservative cabinet minister's faceappears on bedside entertainment systems on acontinuous loop saying that their care "reallymatters to me" and asking them to thank NHSstaff. In some wards with multiple beds, thescreens have the effect of a televisionshowroom, reported the Independent.It was reported that the only way to turn thehealth secretary's recorded message off,patients first had to register under asystem which sees patients chargedmore than £5 a day to access TV, emailand phone services.

The health secretary says it is a"useful message"...

HOSPITAL PATIENTS FACE NON-STOPANDREW LANSLEY ON THEIR TVS

ERIC PICKLES'CURRY COLLEGES

MICHAEL GOVE BIBLESSENT OUT TO SCHOOLS

Every state school in Englandis to be sent a copy of the St.James Bible with anintrudction by the EducationSecretary, Michael Gove. TheDepartment for Educationestimates the cost of thescheme at £375,000. Theproject has stalled over lack offunding ­ 1,000s of the Biblesare said to be lying in awarehouse abroad...

The Arrival of the Post‐Satire Epoch?General Secretary of the Central Politburo of the USR, MartyPeacock, speaks: Gallant Comrades of the General Union ofConsumers! A great spectre haunts the face of modernity. Allhumour shall fall flat at the mighty invisbile hand ofrecalcitrant reality. Real news items have declared war on the

Members of the St. AndrewsUniversity Conservative StudentAssociation had to apologiseafter burning an effigy of BarackObama at a bonfire nightcelebration.Matthew Marshall,president of the St AndrewsConservative Association,admitted that it had been“stupid” because “PresidentObama is an important ally tothe British government,” he said.The same union havepreviously burnt effigies ofGordon Brown and NelsonMandela, who they denouncedas a 'terrorist' in the 1980s.This followed a party inNovember at which drunkenmembers of the OxfordUniversity Conservative Society ­many of whom are likely to goon to serve as Tory MPs ­ sangNazi songs and made jokes aboutkilling Jews.

The new Home Officeban on bringing inchefs from India,Pakistan andBangladesh has causeda shortage of workersto man the restaurantsthat make up the UK's£3.2 billion curryindustry. Eric Pickles,the Secretary of Statefor Communities andLocal Government, hascoined the idea of'Curry Colleges' toteach British peoplehow to fill the labourgap. It is also believedthe new colleges, whichwill offer degrees incooking 'Indian' food,will aid culturalintegration...

BABIES MUST HAVE FULL PRICETICKETS FOR 2012 OLYMPICS

London 2012 organisers are facing abacklash from prospective parents whohave learned they will need tickets for theirnewborn babies – even if they were notconceived when the highly prized seatswere bought.The situation, which has beendescribed as "ridiculous" and "bloodystupid" by angry ticketholders, has arisenbecause most tickets went on sale last April– 15 months before the Games.The 2012 organisers have saidevery person, no matter how old they are,must have their own ticket or they will notbe allowed in. Parents carrying newbornbabies that do not have their own ticket willnot be allowed in.For events where childrens tickets(£1) are sold out, parents must fork out £95for their babies in order to be allowed in. . .

ERIC PICKLES'CURRY COLLEGES

TORY STUDENTS BURNEFFIGY OF OBAMA

ancient art of satire, pouring forth a torrent of implausible happeningsthat seek to annihilate the possibilities of the imagination. In light ofthis assault from the ruling classes on the very foundations of ourability to survive, the USR arranges here a range for your perusal. Whenthese become the Truth, what then, for us? What then? Mockery ispointless. As the USR, we stand firm for a rational, proactively dullreality. Join our fight.

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The Edinburgh Rascal is brought to you by a motley crew; a bevy of fools withopensource tools. We delight in the whimsical and revel in the cynical. If you wishto join us, join us. We await your submission, forever in perdition.For we are the rascals. See us creep, hear us weep; watch our outpourings on paper­ conjoined, for we own a stapler. Await declarations, abate rational inclinations.See ya around, Jimmy.

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Well my fellows, winter rousesitself for one last hurrah. Thewood pigeons grow fat on thescraps of our system and the Redlibrary cards of old give way tothe Blue, modernity unashamedby its aesthetico‐politicoaffiliations.The Meadows balds. Trees thatstood for a century are ripped upby the wind, their stumps stillclinging to the land, monumentsto their own former glory. Ohstumps, I intone as I carress thoseconcentric rings exposed somercilessly to the glares ofstrangers. Never seen before, theyhad seen so much. New trees, soflimsy they lie strapped in tothree attendant support sticks,encaged against pissing dogs,emerge like middle fingers,upheld in contempt to thepassers by.Scotland is poised uncertainlyin its certainty, readying itselffor a question it does not knowthe answer to. It is nostalgia thatfuels the identity of change.OXYMORON is a good friend ofmine.