THE DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANT SUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00 Take away food available - collection only Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK 10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS SUNDAY ROAST SERVED FROM 12.00 - 700 pm TAPAS served from £2.00 per bowl Full A La Carte & bar menu available all day - every day Party the night away as normal at The Cellar Bar - NOW OPEN FROM 5.00 pm every day IT’S THE TALK OF THE TOWN!! ... … Fantastic all day breakfast for only £3.00!! Tel: 01525 406863 SUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00 C&R PEST MANAGEMENT x 40 Yrs experience x Fully Insured x Special Rates for OAPS! Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc Free Estimate 01525 288207 07500 431131 Do you need a venue for a Friday or Saturday night party? Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow 01525-750217 FIXED PRICE AERIAL INSTALLATIONS See our ad on page 31 D & G SHORT NEED A LOCKSMITH? Please turn to our ad on page 23 Plus - All aspects of home security NEW! Kid’s Workshop ALL AUGUST Please pop in shop for dates. NOW HERE! DMC Silks Aida, evenweave, Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits Ordering service available for kits - please ask Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959 Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details. We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee. ARAGON WINDOWS ARAGON WINDOWS CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992 50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation Hello again everyone and welcome to another frantic edition of your Fuddler! We are pleased to tell you that in addition to all the copies that we deliver, your favourite magazine is now on line too! So, log onto www.thefuddler.com and enjoy the fun! We hope that you enjoy this edition as much as we have had in creating the issue and don’t forget - ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ We hope you all have a very happy holiday wherever you are off to and we’ll see you again next month!
Transcript
Page 1
THE DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANTSUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00 Take away food available - collection only
Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu
WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS
SUNDAY ROAST SERVED FROM 12.00 - 700 pm TAPAS served from £2.00 per bowl
Full A La Carte & bar menu available all day - every day
Party the night away as normal at The Cellar Bar - NOW OPEN FROM 5.00 pm every day
IT’S THE TALK OF THE TOWN!! ... … Fantastic all day breakfast for only £3.00!!
Tel: 01525 406863
SUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00
C&R PEST MANAGEMENT
40 Yrs experience Fully Insured Special Rates for OAPS!
Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc
Free Estimate01525 288207
07500 431131
Do you need a venue for a Friday or
Saturday night party? Ampthill Town FC offers
a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people
For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow
01525-750217
FIXED PRICE AERIAL
INSTALLATIONS
See our ad on page 31
D & G SHORT
NEED A LOCKSMITH?
Please turn to our ad
on page 23
Plus - All aspects of
home security
NEW!Kid’s Workshop ALL AUGUST
Please pop in shop for dates.
NOW HERE! DMC Silks Aida, evenweave, Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits Ordering service available for kits - please ask
Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details. We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more!
Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and
French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering
Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.
ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS
CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992
50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation
Hello again everyone and welcome to another frantic edition of your Fuddler!We are pleased to tell you that in addition to all the copies that we deliver, your favourite magazine is now on line too! So, log onto www.thefuddler.com and enjoy the fun!
We hope that you enjoy this edition as much as we have had in creating the issue and don’t forget - ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ We hope you all have a very happy holiday wherever you are off to and we’ll see you again next month!
Eddie has been taken to the Industrial Tribunal by his staff for unfair
dismissal! He forced them all to eat his restaurant food and they refused …
… so they all got the sack!
Luckily now the food has been served to only the customers … but, bad news for Eddie, they’ve joined the staff at the
Tribunal to be witnesses!
33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL
With Summer well and truly here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.
No window or glazing job too small.
Page 3
On 26th September at 7.30 pm the Ampthill Methodist Church is having a gala concert by the Vauxhall Male Voice Choir along with various guest artistes in aid of the building fund wh ich in c lud es t h e installation of a lift, disabled toilets and other facilities. These improvements will b e n e f i t t h e w i d e r community as there are numerous non church groups who use the church for their many diverse activities. Advance tickets at £7.00 are available from 01525 402416 or 01525 406674
Battle of the BraveMillennium Park, Dunstable Street,
Flitwick 15th August 2009
Fun Day for allOur sponsored challenges include, a 40 & 10 Mile cycle challenge around Bedfordshire, using National Cycle routes 51 and 12, along with a Bungee jump for the more daring. Our Fun filled day includes Inflatable Table Foosball, Mountain Bike Stunt Show, large Inflatable assault course, Hot Food, Live Music, and Licensed Bar Show your support, register for a challenge and join us at Millennium Park (recreation area) Flitwick, 15th August 2009 10 am – 6 pm have fun with the family and help raise much needed funds for Leukaemia Research, The Anthony Nolan Trust and The Willow Foundation.
Register for a challenge visit www.giveatomarrow.org.uk or call 07947 838156
Saturday 24th October sees the 2nd Annual Wartime Dance at Parkside Hall in Ampthill, with music from the era. Starting at 7.00 for 7.30 until late, the evening features ‘Kas - The Forces Sweetheart’ Ampthill Town Band, and Paul Roberts and the Swingers! Tickets are priced at £20.00 which includes hot / cold buffet. There is also a licensed bar, real ale, raffle and prize for best fancy dress (Period dress optional, but appreciated) with all proceeds to local charities. For more information or to book your ticket please contact 07876 470503
WHITE HART at Maulden
UNDER NEW FAMILY MANAGEMENT
New Head Chef Exciting new freshly prepared Menu Bright new look Bar and Dining areas Official opening Sat 15th Aug, Hog roast 1 pm
Call AFTER 10th Aug 01525 406118
All plumbing work undertaken Including …
Complete bathroom design, tiling, electrics etc Bathroom installations Full central heating Replacement boiler New or replacement radiators Kitchen sinks and taps replaced
No job too big or small
Over 20 years experience - CRB checked
For a free quote call Brian on 07958 365159 01582 585113
“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity Print Solutions. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on
Tarquin’s still away! However Marjorie has come to the rescue with another of her quick crosswords - thanks again!
Veritable
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Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)
BEDFORDSHIRE HEARING HEALTHCARE HAS THE EAR OF THE STARS! Last week the global Hear the World Ambassadors photography exhibition opened its doors in the UK, supported by Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare. The exhibition – previously featured in New York, Berlin and Zurich – enjoyed a star-studded London welcome with an exclusive VIP party. The event was opened up by Hear the World ambassador and official photographer Bryan Adams. Bryan is just one of the high profile celebrities backing Hear the World, an initiative from hearing system manufacturer Phonak to raise awareness about hearing loss. The Hear the World exhibition features Bryan’s photographs of renowned personalities with their hand cupped behind their ear to convey conscious hearing.
As one of the few event sponsors, Stephen Beale of Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare mingled at the exhibition’s launch party with some of Britain’s best-loved media and musical talent, and Bryan himself. More than 16 percent of the world’s population has hearing loss and this number is expected to increase to 1.1 billion by 2015. In the UK the number of people with hearing loss is estimated at 8.5 million. To encourage people in Bedfordshire to take action Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare is offering complimentary hearing assessments until end of August 2009. For further information simply call 01234 348144. Studies have shown that untreated hearing loss can have a negative impact on a person’s social, emotional and physical well being. Stephen Beale from Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare said: “Approximately 1 in 7 people in this region have hearing loss but, on average, struggle for up to 15 years before seeking advice. The Hear the World exhibition is a great way to get people talking about the importance of protecting their hearing and to take action if they suspect they have a problem. We are playing a key role in helping our local community to benefit from the initiative.” More information about the Hear the World exhibition can be found at www.hear-the-world.com/exhibitionwhere all the photographs are available for purchase. Net proceeds go to the Hear the World Foundation.
Established locally for over 33 years, Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare are experts in diagnosing and
correcting hearing problems.
We offer all the latest digital hearing aid solutions but, moreimportantly, we provide dedicated, expert service and professionalaftercare. We care deeply about our patients and we’re committedto helping people regain their confidence and to lead fuller lives.
Recommended by GP’s and ENT Consultants, we have over 8000delighted patients, many of whom describe our service as ‘lifechanging’. So if you or a member of your family are having problems hearing, don’t suffer in silence. Give us a ring today.
“I would recommendBedfordshire Hearing Healthcarewithout a moment’s hesitation!”
Mr. Dumpleton
“I have been able to continue anormal life, thanks to BedfordshireHearing Healthcare’s professionalhelp and the correct hearing aid!”
Mr. Waite
Call us to arrange an initial appointment or for a FREE information pack.
www.bedfordhearing.co.ukHome visits available. Finance details on request. Free parking at rear of practice.
01234 348 144
Having PROBLEMS with your HEARING?We could change your life!
Page 8
T h e r e s h e s t o o d , magnificent in her glorious red. Even more remarkable in the fact, this was not the colour she was supposed to be! Lionheart had quite made up his mind on having a blue car this time. However, the only choice it seemed for one that was not metallic was either, red or white! Oh well. Red it was to be then. That got Meerkat thinking and remembering the phrase “ANY COLOUR AS LONG AS ITS BLACK”………. what a m e a n i n g l e s s s e t o f words……….. Henry Ford
has been credited with this phrase when in 1909 the Model T Ford came off the production line. However in 1925 the company had to U turn and offer several other colours. In 1996 Dr Henry Corbett explained the philosophy behind the phrase. It appears that at the beginning the T model was available in several colours with the early finishing technique being a carryover from the carriage industry. This involved a curing time of up to four weeks which resulted in a huge number of cars having to be stored during the final process of production. It was then that
Ford changed to a faster drying product which, wait for it………..yes, you are right………… could only be obtained in black. This process did limit the choice of colour more than just considerably, but on the plus side, it did relieve the w a r e h o u s e s t o r i n g difficulties! (‘A WORD IN YOUR SHELL LIKE’ by Nigel Rees’) So there you have it – strange world, but nothing new there…………must go and water the roses, the sun has been so hot and punishing of late………...off Meerkat went, watering can in hand…………….
With Geoffrey THE Golfer A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, ‘Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!’ The dentist thought to himself, ‘Crikey this is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.’ So the dentist asked him, ‘Which tooth is it, sir?’ The man turned to his wife and said, ‘Open your mouth, darling, and show the doctor which tooth hurts.’ GTG
MICK HULATTCARPENTRY SERVICES
QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF
CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133
The event will be held in aid of local charities and there is also the chance for people to win some cash themselves by betting on individual races or winning big on the accumulator! In the afternoon there will be a barbeque and bouncy castle. We look forward to seeing you there!!
Page 9
Page 10
By Julio Van Peebles 1) Does anyone still give Chinese burns?2) Has an Equestrian event ever been won by a dark horse? 3) Has anybody ever had a fried boiled egg? 4) What's the average weight of an option? 5) If somebody named Dorothy met somebody named Scott would the introduction go "Dot Scott Scott Dot" ?
Julio's Top Tip: Find out who is your true best friend by firstly locking your wife and your dog in the boot of your car, then after about an hour unlock the boot and let them out and see who is most pleased to see you!
P.S. Thought for the day: By the way - did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy?
With Jimmy The Voice ‘The Voice’ has been at it again! Here he has sent us this picture:
But is it an elderly lady or a young lady? He’s not sure and neither are we! But what can you see?
HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY LINDA FOR 18th AUGUST
(Doesn’t time fly?)
Tartan rug and slippers on the way! Love Andy xx
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUY FOR THE 20TH
AUGUST!
Cut out the middleman! Buy Direct!! HEAVY DUTY PICNIC TABLES FROM £65.00! Plus hanging baskets, trellis and picket fencing all at great prices!
BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICESFor all those jobs around the house and garden,
that you never have time for!We are an established, reliable trustworthy & a very
reasonably priced company. NO JOB TOO SMALL
Tel: Joolz or Michael on 01525 211670 Mob: 07871 802815
Helen & Skip welcome you to the
OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill 01525 841508
OPEN ALL DAY - EVERY DAY from 12.00 pmwww.ossoryarms.co.uk
FOOD SERVEDMonday - Sunday 12.00 - 2.30 pm
ALL DAY BREAKFAST SERVED FROM 10.30 am Sat / Sun
QUIZ NIGHTEvery Thursday 8.30 start
1st 2nd 3rd Prize PLUS JACKPOT QUESTION
Page 11
One evening Babs invited some friends round for a glass of wine or two and to watch a DVD. After the film she found her Trivial Pursuit game and they all decided to play. It was Babs’ turn so she rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature. Her question was: ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, would you be able to hear it?’ Perplexed, Babs thought for a time: ‘Would it be on or off?’ she replied sensibly.
I found a worry for Julio - how come a windscreen wiper on a car works better on the passenger side? You can always keep your privacy on a railway carriage by reciting ‘The Highwayman’ by Alfred Noyes. If you find that you like men in uniforms get yourself arrested.I saw a sign at the ice rink: remember - glide comes before a sprawl. Remove yourself from the pressures of time by simply removing your watch. Good sense is easier to have than to use. My friend’s husband is so silly that he thinks that a varied diet is a 1/4 pound burger with cheese on one day, and plain the next. The longest odds in the world are those of getting even. It’s probably best for employers that I don’t work with people. A car journey of 100 miles always starts with an argument about how to load the car. Would Ham Let and Oeuf Elia have been food lovers? 1 1830, 2 Sarah Greene, 3
Schoolteacher in Ramsgate, 4 Suit of armour, 5 Gnat, 6 Martha Grimes, 7 Breed of sheep, 8 Florida, 9 Jet engine, 10 Pasta.
1. In what year did Sarah J. Hales publish her poem ‘Mary had a little lamb’?
2. Who presented ‘Blue Peter’ from 1980-3?
3. What was Van Gogh’s fist job? 4. Where would you find a
‘Plackart’? 5. A cloud is the collective name
for which creature? 6. Who created Superintendent
Richard Jury? 7. What is a ‘Mouflon’? 8. There is a town in the US
called ‘Niceville’ - where is it? 9. Where would you find ‘Stator
Vanes’? 10.What is ‘Pappardelle?
Please call Liam for more info or prices on
07545 331156
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Page 12
CANCER (June 22-July 23) Now we are cantering through the summer, isn’t it time to really reflect on what’s going on? There could be good news on the horizon.
LEO (July 24-August 23) Now that you are feeling a little more secure, why not pop up to the pub, see some chums and have a silly time - it won’t hurt to let your hair down.
VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) This month we see that money matters are very close to your well being. Provided that you are prudent in the next month or so, all should be well.
LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Sometimes it is better to grab those things that you want with both hands, rather than let one iota slip through you fingers. Go for it!
SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) It is a wise person that can recognise a good idea when it is presented to them. But are you ready for this particular challenge?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) It requires nerves of steel to accept the advice that you have been given. Are you convinced that it is the right course of action for you at this time?
CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Sometimes it is better to admit defeat when you look at the bigger picture. The planetary aspects seem good for you, as long as you see what is there.
AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Have you caught the travel bug? It’s probably not worth running away from those things - just face them and deal with them.
PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) It can be a characteristic of yours to be a little lazy at times. However, if you just get on with the job - rewards will be manifest.
ARIES (March 21-April 20) It is not always what you say but how you say it that will provoke a reaction. Be on your guard against people bearing false promises.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21) When all appears lost you can always rely on your friend and colleague. And you know who that is! Be careful accepting advice from a stranger.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21) It is a great time for Gemini’s right now - or so the stars foretell. It could mean a trip of a lifetime or maybe simply better finances.
PROUD TO BE SUPPORTING
CHANCE TO WIN AN AUDI FOR THE WEEKEND! COURTESY OF
Bouncy castles and magic shows for children ! Live Jazz Band !
Burgers & Hot dogs, sandwiches & cake, ice cream!
Page 13
F l i t t a b u s C o m m u n i t y Transport has been providing transport facilities to town and village communities in mid Bedfordshire for the past 20 years. They now operate 2 minibuses covering 9 routes
via a scheduled timetable which is reviewed each year to ensure that local passenger demands are met. The new minibus is a low floor accessible vehicle which offers comfortable seating for 15 passengers. This unique design makes entry and exit easier. Flittabus is a voluntary organisation which receives financial support from local authorities, town and parish councils and other benefactors. Their minibuses are available for private hire subject to certain conditions. The Flittabus Helpline Number is 01525 406561.
THE CROWN STATION ROAD
FLITWICK Tel: 01525 721558
Massive garden with
superb children’s play
area!
Sunday 30th August 2009
World Vision Charity Day In Memory of ‘Tasha Watson’
Monday to Friday, 8.00 am - 6.00 pm Saturday, 8.00 - 5.00 pm
Established 1971
• TYRES, BATTERIES AND EXHAUSTS AT DISCOUNT PRICES
• ELECTRONIC WHEEL BALANCING • WHEEL ALIGNMENT
Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic
Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES
LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT
Page 14
These chefs really must have time on their hands! Here’s another in our series of pictures showing just what chefs get up to when they have too much time on their hands - and a fertile imagination! Thanks again.
Congratulations to Rebekah and Steven on their Marriage on
17th July
‘Art in Ampthill’Last 3 weekends in September
When? Last three weekends in September: 12 & 13, 19 & 20, 26 & 27 What time? 11 am – 5 pm Where? Ampthill! Why? To share Ampthill’s rich seam of local talents During three weekends in September, 12 professional artists in Ampthill will be opening their studios to the public. A wide range of work, in varied styles, will be on show with something for everyone. We hope you will enjoy visiting as many venues as you can over the three weekends. They are all easily reached on foot from Ampthill town centre. Please feel welcome to come in and browse, talk to the artists and even buy an original piece of art for your home. If you are not sure how to find a particular venue there will be signs dotted around the town to help you. We are very keen to welcome you and ensure that ‘Art in Ampthill’ is an event that you won’t want to miss. For more information, look out for brochures and publicity nearer the time.
With Berta Hardup Tightwad, MO USA Four High School boys, afflicted with spring fever skipped school during morning classes. After lunch, they reported to the teacher that they had had a flat tire. Much to their relief, the teacher smiled, and said, “Well, you missed a test today, so take seats apart from one another, and take out a piece of paper.” Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down, then said, “First question: which tire was flat?”
Thanks again Berta!
DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around
All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes
Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices
Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670
We take care of EVERYTHING
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FLOORING DECORATING
Page 15
We understand that this year the famous Woburn Oyster Festival is to be held on Friday 11th September to Sunday 13th September. Markets & fairs have been held on the Pitchings, the cobbled area at the centre of Woburn, since 1242. The Oyster Festival continues the tradition into the 21st Century. But the festival is not just about oysters as a variety of other foods and drink are available all weekend PLUS live music, street entertainment, a giant flea market, craft fair and a children's funfair making it a great day out for the family. Proceeds from the festival go to upkeep of local amenities. If you have not been to the festival before, do make a note in your diary to pay a visit - it really is a super day out for everyone! You will find full details of all attractions including this prestigious festival on the Woburn Village website at www.woburnvillage.co.uk
Please don’t forget that The Ampthill Pie Festival is coming up in October of this year at an all new venue - details will be in the next edition of your Fuddler.
Congratulations to Simon and Harriet on their second Wedding Anniversary on the
3rd August!
SCRUMPTIOUS FINE FOOD AND WINE TASTING EVENINGS! Wednesday 19th and Friday 21st August
19.00 - 21.00 We are delighted to be running joint tasting evenings with Cambridge Wine Merchants, soon to open on Church Street, Ampthill! You will indulge in scrumptious courses: antipasti with bubbles! Cheeses and meats with red wine, onto blue cheeses with port and finally sweet biscuits with sweet white wine – yummy! Tickets are available from our shop priced at £10 each.
We are open Sundays 11.00-17.00!
Monday to Saturday 9.00 - 17.30
4b Bedford Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 402023
JOB VACANCY - SUNDAYS
To ensure the smooth running of the tearoom and deli. If you are energetic, customer service driven, proactive, confident and practical; we’d be delighted if you’d join our team! Please call Simon J to discuss further.
TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB AND RESTAURANT
Summer menu now available
LARGE PATIO GARDEN
Join us on
Sunday 23rd August ‘MISFITZ’ Band playing live with
Most of us have been in a situation where some form of stimulating entertainment or source of information would be both a great way to pass time and provide amusement. Picture a long car journey with excited children in the back of the car with little to do but anticipate the arrival at the destination before you have left the driveway; a relative in hospital requiring some way to keep in touch with home and the outside world; an enforced wait where you need to kill some time whilst waiting for someone to finish a meeting or appointment or a child to complete a sporting, musical or educational activity. The ARCHOS 5 Media Tablet is a new type of travel companion which provides a multitude of facilities including Internet access, DVD recording and playback, music and photography reproduction, web TV such as BBC i-player. It is five inch, touch screen ultra- thin pocket sized tablet with built-in WiFi which gives the processing speed of a PC or laptop for an uncompromising Web browsing experience. The ARCHOS 5 allows you to steam content wirelessly from your home network or third party source; manage e-mail; enjoy your favourite films and programmes as well as giving instant access to the thousands of television and radio programmes available through the internet. The perfect way to keep abreast of news and events when you are away from home which makes a laptop seem cumbersome. A DVR Station accessory allows you to schedule recordings of your favourite programmes and replay them wherever you may be on the ARCHOS 5’s high resolution (800x480) touch screen. This new internet media tablet delivers a truly converged facility of Internet, personal recordings of film, music and photographs and Web TV all in one sleek tablet. With optional extras it will also allow you to view and record Digital television and become an in-car satellite navigation tool enabling the back-seat passengers to tell you which way to go rather than asking “are we nearly there”! Tavistock Sound & Vision 21 The Broadway, Bedford, MK40 2TL 01234 356323 (See their ad on the back page of this issue)
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Page 17
‘On Sunday the 16th of August 2009, The Rufus Centre, Flitwick will be holding a Classic Car Show and Craft Fayre, in support of The East Anglian Air Ambulance. Admission £2.50, Children under 16 FREE. There will be plenty of motors from yesteryear lovingly restored to their former glory - come and meet their proud owners, talk cars and reminisce. There will be a chance for you to win an AUDI for the weekend, courtesy of Audi Bedford (part of the Vindis Group). Stop and listen to our live jazz band. Have a wander around the indoor craft fayre where there will be a wide variety of stalls selling handmade products, stop for some tea and cakes. For the children there will be fun and games including bouncy castles and mini magic shows throughout the day featuring the ever popular Magic Dave and the big white rabbit. Flitwick Scouts will be providing tasty burgers and hot dogs. Ice cream will be available. A few spaces remain for cars and crafts please contact Mary 01525 631905. The Rufus Centre, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK45 1AH’
See the Rufus centre ad on p.12 of this issue
Plus: Bigger choice of regular Guest Ales!
Traditional games - Crib, Dominoes, Pool & Darts
SUNDOWNER SIDE PATIO OPEN! Come and enjoy a cool drink and
enjoy the last of the day’s sunshine!
Planning an event? If you're hiring a hall for a special function and need a professional full bar service brought in, then look no further. We supply a fully manned and equipped bar
service for any special occasion. We do it all so you and your guests can simply relax
and have a good time.
Watch out for details of our new ‘Jamming Night’ for local musicians on Tuesdays! (We know you’re out there!)
AUGUST BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND
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SUNDAY 30th AUGUSTMusic with ‘John Pick’ - local entertainer and musician, with songs you’ll know!
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Page 18
A Very Happy Birthday to ‘Topbird’
for 16th August! Love A-Face xxx
Getting ready to go back to school is always exciting, and to help you on way, why not pop in to Martins, Ampthill and see the huge range of stationery we have to offer: pens, pencils, folders, calculators, highlighters, note books, rulers - we’ve got it all and at fantastic prices so pop in for all your classroom essentials. And don’t forget we also have a great range of ‘congratulations on passing your exam’ cards for all those students who have done well in their exams. GREAT HALF PRICE OFFER FOR LOCAL BUSINESSES! Half price newspapers & magazines delivered to your business in Ampthill & Maulden. Please pick up a leaflet in store.Finally, just to say if anyone is interested in doing a paper round in Maulden please pop in to or call 01525 404314.
Alack and alas, (?) this month our intrepid hero seems to have vanished! Last seen heading to the Cotswolds.
‘Happy Birthdays to my Mummy and Daddy for
the 12th & 15th August’ Lots of love
Maddison Rose xxx
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by Mustafa Singh After Edith Pioff’s composition last month, Mustafa has been inspired to create another piece, again made up entirely of song titles! There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvis - He's so fine - He's the one - He's the greatest dancer. And it hurts - To love somebody - Who let the dogs out - Things can only get better - I am a clown - I can see clearly now. I believe in miracles - I believe I can fly - I believe in Father Christmas - When the going gets tough - You can go your own way. With a little luck - Back home - There's a kind of hush - That'll do nicely - Oh boy - What a difference a day makes! Well thanks again for that, superb stuff, and we reckon it must be back over to Edith!!
FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.
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Note for your diary! September 26th - ‘CASINO NIGHT’ Play with fun money for prizes. Professional croupiers.
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Page 20
Iced beer in winterSouth West Australia Spring 1974I just realised that I referred to this time as spring in the last tale, in fact this was autumn in Australia but in a way felt like spring. If you ever watched the film Crocodile Dundee, then you have an image of the pub in Walkabout Creek, well I stayed in a hotel similar to that but it was an exaggerated example of Walkabout Creek! I know it was further in the bush than Yarloop, (see last month), but not much more than 50 miles away, but it was VERY primitive! I cannot remember the name of the village but this second job I did with Bill was similar to the first except that
it involved tidying up the site where the portable sawmill had come from, the one we built at Yarloop. We were approaching July, the Australian winter and before we drove from the hotel to the site, we had to scrape the ice off the windscreen, I remember passing fields of shorn sheep by the road and wondered how on earth they survived without their wool. On our return in the chilly evening the first thing was a couple of beers each before a steak dinner. The barman would take two glasses from a freezer, and fill them from a chil led pump, IN WINTER! Beer was never served in quantities more than 300ml
since it would be warm before you finished it, even in winter. It was at this point that I missed an English Pint of bitter, and I had been in OZ less than a couple of months! One of the tasks we had to complete was taking our heavy equipment back to Bills workshop in North Perth. It was not a big task; we simply loaded all the stuff on the back of his enormous trailer. The load included a cement mixer, many building tools like shovels and sledge hammers, chain saws, BIG drills, you get the idea. One large item was the shed we locked all this kit in at night. We put the shed on first and put much of the other stuff
inside the shed. Bill and I set off at dusk and by the time night fell we were well on our way along a dusty track, heading for Perth, I don’t know how long it took, but after a while I noticed my silhouette on the dash board, OK a car is following with headlights on, but the shed should be in the way! I looked behind, NO shed! Now Bill was a pragmatist, he did not generally look for blame, just a solution so when I said “We lost the shed” he simply said “better go back for it”. Have to continue this next time.Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr
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Page 21
By Howie These are all signs seen around the world where sometimes things get a little lost in the translation: Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
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Page 22
AUGUST 7th Happy Birthday
Mum (Mabel) Lots of love Martin xx
With Mrs Pinkleton
The young lad watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, Mummy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What's the matter?’ asked young Jeffrey, ‘Giving up? The local kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman, the detectives want very badly to capture him. Samantha asked: ‘Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’ And finally: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you really think you're stupid, Johnny?’ ‘No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself !’
AUGUST 11TH HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADGE!! MAGS!! Love from all! xx
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With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.
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Following the huge success of the charity ferret racing at the Old Sun public house in Ampthill on May Bank Holiday - the pub has decided to do it all over again! So on Bank Holiday Monday 31st August, the furry contestants will be racing again! The proceedings start at 2.03 and the afternoon promises to be fun for all the family! If you missed the racing in May it is well worth turning up to the event which raises money to support local charities, and if you are lucky you may even get the chance to have a small flutter on the day and win some cash! For more details see the Old Sun’s advertisement on page 8 of this issue.
BECCI Happy 5th Birthday Mummy & Jonny xx
Sarah & Iain Happy 4th Wedding
Anniversary Lots of love Mum &
Maddison
Honky Tonk Music By Paul Roberts
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Page 24
SIA HOLDS THE UK’S FIRST SKI-A-THON, ON REAL SNOW IN MILTON KEYNES SIGN UP NOW TO TAKE PART On 12 September, the Spinal Injuries Association (SIA) will hold the UK’s first ever ski-a-thon, on real snow, at the SNO!zone in the Xscape Milton Keynes. Sonic the Hedgehog will open the 12-hour event by leading the skiers and snowboarders in the first leg, down the indoor slope. The event can take up to 45 teams of up to 6 people, over the age of 7. One team member has to be on the slope at all times, and teams are given the opportunity to switch skiers at hourly intervals. The endurance challenge itself, combined with a host of activities for supporters and shoppers, promises to make this a spectacular day for all. The ski-a-thon team leader that raises the most sponsorship money wins a week’s stay for two (double bedroom), in January 2010, at Haus Kienreich B&B in a beautiful Austrian ski resort. This prize was kindly donated by owners James and Tracey Hinsby. Also every team leader will be entered into a prize draw for a place on SIA’s Reach for the Peaks Ski Challenge, 4-7 Feb. It’s a ski hard and play hard, long weekend involving skiing or boarding down 35 peaks, in 48 hours, in Austria! If you would like to put together or join a team, contact Sarah on [email protected] or call 0845 6786633 ext 217.
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Page 25
Mary had a bagel she filled it with some ham but the ham was bad so very sad 'cos she had to eat the lamb
With Mavis Plimpton
Hello again. Gladys has just been round again for tea and left some more silly things that have been in Church newsletters where perhaps the words should have been checked. Barbara is still having trouble sleeping after her illness. She has requested tapes of Reverend Jack’s sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing ‘Break Forth into Joy’. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care about you. Mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you that have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Thanks again Mavis!
The following words all have something in common. What is it? (Answer at the foot of the page)1 Banana, 2 Dresser, 3 Grammar, 4 Potato, 5 Revive, 6 Uneven, 7 Assess
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
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Page 26
just nipping out for a swift half
in Arthur’s World It’s the usual evening cry from the front door back to the kitchen “Just nipping out for a beer pet, won’t be too long” Response from the kitchen . . . “That’s alright dear, going anywhere nice, where are you off to ?” From back down the hallway . . . “I’ve read somewherethere’s a couple of new pubs just opened in Moscow. They are selling my favourite t ipple, shipped in from Bedford. They’ve got a happy hour - two for the price of one ! If
I rush, I can just about make a flight out of Heathrow to make sure it’s ok” Again from down in the kitchen . . . “That sounds lovely dear. You won’t be late for dinner will you. Put an extra woolly on. It can be a bit chilly out there. Is Mr. Fuddler going with you ? This sounds like a nice little solo jolly to me – don’t want to risk spoiling it ! It could be a pleasant break from the housework if I play my cards right. I’ll do the research on my own to start off with. Then if it’s successful we’ll put it in the brochure for the newly formed Fuddler Travel Club.
It can go along with the wild and exciting “slither” to Woburn the other day. This is planned to be a permanent fixture in the Fuddler Travel Club brochure from now on. We might have to rein in help from Saga Travel. T h e y m u s t h a v e experience of elderly rockers out on the town, doing the pubs, having some grub and then back to home base for a couple of top up’s and to reminisce over the day’s events. Somehow the pool table survived – but my advice is to book early for next year if you want to be on it. You will need to produce proof of your age when booking !
Funnily enough I am yet another actress in a fairly new but popular US TV show currently on your television! I thought I’d nipped past the studio chaps to avoid them messing me up - but how wrong can you be? The answer is at the foot of the page if you don’t recognise me!
Milena Govich from K-Ville
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Welcome Home Mummychap and Tom Tie a yellow ribbon ….
That well known scientific genius and failed scanner installer, Howie, explains some basic laws of the universe. Law of Installation: After messing around for ages trying to get something to work, you will realise that you haven't switched it on. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, nut or bolt when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner and disappear from view. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a engaged signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre. Law of the Queue: If you change queues or motorway lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Law of the Theatre: The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will always arrive last. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
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Page 28
This month we bring you another tasty dish that has been sent in by one of our readers - many thanks to you Ma’am!
SAUSAGES WITH‘SAUCY’ MUSHROOMSFirstly, to cook for four people, pop in to your butcher and buy 8 pork sausages. Then you will need: 1 Large onion to peel and chop up 50 gm butter 200 gm mushrooms to slice 1 tsp of mixed dried herbs 1 tsp sugar About 25 gm long grain rice Pepper and salt 125 ml soured cream
And of course a little glass of wine to slurp whilst cooking! Grill the sausages till golden brown and keep warm. (the sausages that is - not you!) Then fry the chopped onion in butter for about 5 minutes. Add the sliced mushrooms, onion, herbs, sugar, rice, salt & pepper. Simmer gently for about 10 minutes or so then stir in the soured cream. Arrange your sausages in a shallow serving dish and pour the sauce over the top. Serve immediately and enjoy! Thanks again for that one!
Courtesy Ruby Again we are privileged to bring you another of Ruby’s excellent words from her splendid vocabulary that are sent in to challenge us! The word of the month this month is ‘Singultus’. The meaning is at the foot of the page.
A hiccup
Here’s a little more whimsy from one of our readers: I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ‘Eurostar’? I said ‘Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.’
1) SWARM...............The temperature is quite pleasant 2) SWARMER.........The temperature is increasing 3) SOT......................It is very warm 4) SOTTER..............It is very very warm 5) TWOT...................It is much too warm 6) SCHOOL.............The temperature is refreshing 7) SCOLD................The temperature is not pleasant
By Sultan Sheik
To my gorgeous man - thanks for
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Page 29
Here’s something for you to have a bit of fun with! We have been sent the start of a story and we invite you to write the next couple of paragraphs (about 200 words) as to what may have happened next! Our Arts correspondent Seymour Cox will read all entries and the winner will be published in next month’s Fuddler! So, over to you, but please keep it clean! Please email your entries to [email protected] and let’s see how the story unfolds!
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TOBY?She had planned to meet Toby in the park at around 8.47 that morning. Her car was not to be trusted as it was due for a major service the next day, so she took the underground. She hated catching the tube at that time in the morning. She had always found distasteful the combined smells of freshly applied colognes, perfumes, deodorants and the like, and the not so fresh odours of people returning from all night jamborees. Glancing at her watch she realised she had only 9 minutes to keep her rendezvous. Inwardly she was furious with the delay caused by the gentleman who was in disagreement with the passenger in front of him at the queue, thus causing her to miss the train she had planned to catch. Arriving at her destination, Daniella swept off the train, up the stairs and through the exits then crossed the road into the park. She was wearing the lilac and cream dress that had been bought for her two years previously on her 25th birthday, by her Great Aunt Alice . Heading for the statue where they had agreed to meet, she paused in the sunlight to check her face in the powder compact that she always carried. Good – it was still there. Rushing now with the knowledge that she was behind time she reached the statue. It was 9.03. There was no sign of Toby…
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Page 30
Here we bring you yet some more observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: My biro has on it: ‘Made from recycled car parts.’ Do go and check that your front bumper is still there and perhaps your steering wheel also. As a child I always thought that King Charles I hid in a Noak Tree. Magistrate: ‘You were caught doing 72 mph in a 50 mph zone. What type of vehicle were you driving?’ ‘I was on my bike on my way to work and I was running late.’ A father asked his son: ‘Who pushed the toilet into the canal?’ He replied ‘I did father.’ To which he got a clip round the ear and said that when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree that he didn’t get a clip round the ear. Father said ‘His dad wasn’t sat in the tree when he chopped it down.’ Have Did I ever tell you that my Great Uncle was at the Battle of Little Bighorn? Well he wasn’t actually in the battle, he was camping in the next field and went over to complain about all the noise and someone shot him. Doing my parachute course I was told to freefall down to 6 ft before employing my chute. I asked what would happen if it didn’t open. The instructor replied: ‘Surely you can jump 6 ft.’ A friend took his large vacuum flask into a transport café and said ‘Could you please put 5 teas in and do 2 of them with sugar.’ Sign outside a local public house stated; ‘Warning - this pub contains nuts.
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Page 31
opinion. The cupboards and larder shelves no longer stock pies, exciting fillings, hams, pickles and sauces and in their place nestles fat free yoghurts, cereal, fruit and lots of green foliage. Also she has lost complete faith in my vain, yet sincere, attempts to lose weight and eat properly, so quite rightly highlights that I frequent the curry house far too much. But, I am not entirely to blame for these surreptitious digressions as my old pal Mitch is constantly urging me to join him in a curry in between his shifts at Plunkett’s. It is no consolation either that another pal and pub colleague Bomber, is on a health drive himself. He though is having by far much more success than I seem to be having. In conversation the other day he explained that ‘it is not just about cutting down on the alcohol and fine cuisine but
exercise is required to supplement the dietary programme’. He confided that ‘the secret to his weight loss success was down to his new rowing machine’. It is true that I’m probably not getting as much exercise as I could at the moment, and as Fuddler and Squeaky keep informing me walking to the corner shop, the paper shop or the pub does not equate to exercise. In fact just last week, the first official nights training at the rugby club, I found myself leaving my kit-bag in Plunkett’s and was dragged kicking and screaming to the curry house instead, by Mitch again. I was then forced to apologise about the trains being late again to my colleagues, of which only two turned up anyway, at the rugby club. What or who is it that keeps making these decisions for me? It was not because I was especially hungry. Nor was it because I was desperate for a curry. And it was not because I wanted to catch up with an old friend as I had seen
Mitch only recently……….in the pub and curry house as it happens. Is it greed? OED def: excessive desire, esp for food and wealth. It could well be and when coupled with the inability to say NO and then look for someone else to blame it is the formula for an over indulgent, avaricious glutton. Just as this months chronicle goes to press however, there is a hint of sign of redemption. I have booked myself in to have a thorough MOT. Where a lucky individual at my local GP practice will be probing every orifice and removing bodily fluids for analysis. I am prepared for high blood pressure, high cholesterol level and overweight warnings. I will endeavour to address the situation and in future just say no……..occasionally. Nothing in the world is so incontinent as a man’s accursed appetite. HOMER, Odyssey (9th C BC)
To be continued…………
Episode 12: ‘It weren’t me Sir, it was him.’
So twelve months down the line and what have I got to show for my efforts? I am still as big, if not a few lbs heavier as when I first started this crusade. If there was a move to minimise the banter and heckling from my critics then that has not worked either. In fact the amusement my peers get from my vain attempts has increased, not without cause and encouragement on my part I suppose ‘ if your going to dangle a worm at some fish you better be prepared for what is lurking below’ If I were going to look to Topbird for support then that was also another lost cause, all I have done there is to bring to her attention that she and especially yours truly, needs to lose weight, a considerable amount in her
