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the Golden RuleWorkbook

Published byGRO

Copyright 1999

7450 W 52nd Ave #M241 Arvada, CO 80002

First Printing

ISBN 0-9660015-1-6

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- Overview

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- The Golden Rule & Its Significance............................................................................6

- My experience with the Golden Rule........................................................................10

- “Me First!” “No, Me First” ......................................................................................11

- Creating a New Golden Rule World .........................................................................15

- Negative/Positive Thinking and the Golden Rule .......................................................16

Part Two - Tools & Tips for Applying the Golden Rule

- Getting to Know You .............................................................................................23

- Changing Yourself .................................................................................................26

- Wanting & Taking Criticism - The Key to Applying the Golden Rule............................27

0 - You Can’t Always Get What You Want ..................................................................29

1 - Communication, Communication, Communication..................................................30

2 - Seeing From Someone Else’s Point of View............................................................33

3 - Selfish Addictions, Deciding What You Want, Commitment & Determination.............35

4 - Getting some Help from Your Sub-conscious Mind ..................................................38

5 - Goals..................................................................................................................40

6 - Ideals.................................................................................................................45

7 - Self Tolerance .....................................................................................................47

8 - Using “Corrective Affirmations” to Help You Practice what you Preach (or Believe In).48

9 - Things To Do Today (Before I Physically Die)..........................................................49

0 - Working with others of Like-Mind..........................................................................50

1 - Choosing Intentional Roommates ..........................................................................54

2 - Intentional Roommate Meetings ............................................................................58

3 - Family/Spouse Issues ...........................................................................................62

4 - Creating Your Individual Daily Golden Rule Program ...............................................67

ersonal Declaration Section........................................................................................ 69

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Chapter One

Overview

The word “Love” has come to mean two very different things. In fact, the meanings are essentiallyopposite of each other. But most people don’t ever think of it, and continue to use the exact same word(love) for both things.

The first kind of love could be called “Pure love”. Pure love is an outflowing, giving, caring kind oflove - it could also be called “Unselfish Love”. Pure love is the kind of love that is related to things like:“Love thy neighbor”; Santa Claus; Caring love for your family and friends; Charity; Helping disastervictims; etc.. It is the kind of love that the selfish side of yourself gets nothing out of, but that the “good”side of yourself gets a “warm” feeling from.

The next kind of love that is commonly referred to, is actually nothing like “Pure love”. It is reallyjust a feeling of pleasure that comes with “getting” something you want or like (physically or emotionally). Itdoesn’t matter if it comes from someone else somehow giving you something you like, or it is from self-indulgence. It is all self-gratifying. So let’s call that kind of love “selfish love”. Here are just a FEW quotesthat are examples of this: “I love ice cream”, “I love football”, “I love presents”, “I love chocolate”, “I lovethe islands”, “I love BMW’s”, “I love beer”, etc..

Such selfish “love” crosses over into our relationships also. “I love Sam” (or “I love Marsha”) forinstance, can actually mean you just love the attention, energy, and pleasure they give you. Relationshipscan involve a mixture of selfish love, and Pure love, but many start with (and are actually based on) selfishlove primarily or totally. And many relationships break up because of that. When a relationship is based onthe self-gratifying pleasure you get from your partner, it results in a sort of “addiction” to one degree oranother. You can then end up with addictive behavior - possessiveness, jealousy, rejection, and all the otherselfishly spawned causes of pain and turmoil that come with such addiction. Pure love, being the opposite of selfish, creates no addiction. It craves nothing for itself. It thusheals rather than hurts. It cares rather than “blocks out” and ignores. It can improve your life, the lives ofthose around you, and ultimately, the whole world.

Totally Pure love is not contaminated at all with selfishness, or selfish love. This is important,because like any contaminant, any selfishness can taint and ruin everything. It’s like putting drops of poisonin an entire jug of pure water - it contaminates the whole jug. Or like e-coli bacteria in a batch ofhamburger - the whole batch gets contaminated, and becomes unhealthy.

The Golden Rule to the Rescue.We’ll define it more later, but basically, the “rule” part of the “Golden Rule” is to “love unselfishly” -

to focus on and give Pure love.Pure love encompasses all the spiritual virtues involved with simply being a “good” person. For

example, caring, kindness, compassion, tolerance, sharing, giving, harmlessness, respecting the free willchoices of others (if harmless), etc., are all results of loving unselfishly.

Pure love isn’t unconditional love - you can be unselfishly loving and still “put your foot down”. Inother words, one who applies the Golden Rule in life, is reasonably kind, reasonably giving, but notunconditionally kind, unconditionally giving, etc..

The Purpose of the Golden Rule WorkbookThis workbook gives examples of the benefits of living by the Golden Rule, and how to apply it

more in your life, in many different circumstances. For instance, the techniques and methods included here,can help you have more caring interactions with everyone everyday, from cashiers or “bus boys”, to yourspouse. But you can take it even further if you want to.

In our opinion, working on applying the Golden Rule with others of like-mind can provide you thegreatest opportunity for personal spiritual development. If you want to work with others, you can join orcreate anything from a weekly Golden Rule study group/club, to a Golden Rule fellowship or intentionalliving program. It all depends on how “in-depth” you want to get with it. Golden Rule Workgroups can becomprised of your spouse alone, your present friends, family, or members of your religion. If no one youknow wants to do it with you, you can make new friends at an already existing Golden Rule study group, ora cooperating spiritual fellowship.

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All “good” people are essentially just one big “family” within the human race. And all goodpeople, relate to the Golden Rule. It’s a non-denominational universal concept that involves individualspirituality, rather than religion. Practicing the Golden Rule doesn’t require anyone to change religions,leave their religion, or join a religion if they don’t have one. If you belong to a church, synagogue, temple,ashram, etc., and you like the idea of the Golden Rule, you can talk to the appropriate congregation leadersabout starting sanctioned Golden Rule “clubs” or “study groups”. If you don’t have a religion, but would liketo participate in a Golden Rule oriented fellowship with like-minded individuals, we are building a referraldatabase of both independent Golden Rule Study Groups/Clubs (not affiliated with any religion), and GoldenRule groups affiliated with known sympathetic churches/temples/etc..

A Benny for Your ThoughtsBenjamin Franklin once set out to write a book very much like this one. He had developed specific

techniques for perfecting oneself through the development of virtues. It was to be called “The Art ofVirtue”, but was never finished. More importantly perhaps, Franklin also intended to create an organizationand “secret society” based on that idea. He strongly believed that if even a few people committed their livesto developing the virtues of being a “good” person, and then secretly recruited friends and family, over timeit would spread from one person to the next, and eventually create a new and better society. Part of hisplan was for the program to be universal - not to be limited to any one religion, and to avoid alienating anyreligion. The need for secrecy was primarily due to the threat of being charged with heresy in those days.That particular threat is gone in this day and age, and we can openly pursue such a wonderful non-denominational program. It is our hope and belief that this book, and the creation of Golden RuleOrganization (GRO), fulfills his goals and dreams.

Read before Using If you intend to use this workbook to help you apply the Golden Rule in your life, please read it allthe way through one time, and then re-read it again. This is necessary because many of the conceptspresented here, cross-over with each other, and are subsequently scattered throughout the book. Thus, ifyou aren’t familiar with all the concepts, you may not fully understand everything until after you’ve read itthrough once, and read it again.

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Chapter Two

The Golden Ruleand Its Significance

Like the meaning of love, “The Golden Rule” can mean different things to different people. Butbefore getting into intellectually defining the Golden Rule with words alone, I’ll tell you a couple of storiesthat define it through example.

Long ago I had a simple little experience during a meal, that stayed with me as a vivid memory forthe rest of my life.

I was visiting a friend of mine who was a monk, at the monastery he lived in. Time flew by. Soon,afternoon began its transformation to evening, and I was invited to stay for dinner. At this particularmonastery, they always ate dinner together at a large table. There was the usual clatter and commotion, butsomething very unusual happened. As I was just about to reach for a pitcher of milk, someone got to itfirst. But rather than pouring themselves a glass, they poured me a glass, and set the pitcher back down. Iwas a bit stunned. Now, keep in mind, I was accustomed to having waiters serve me at restaurants, or mymother at home, or a host/hostess at a dinner party. But this was very different. This was just anotherperson who was eating at the table. There was no one playing the role of waiter or hostess. After the foodwas brought out to the table, it was just a bunch of people sitting down to a bunch of food, and partaking init. In that situation, most people just “dig in” and grab whatever they want for themselves, and focus ontheir own eating. So when one of these strangers (who was also just having dinner as I was) performed thissimple, natural act of getting and pouring milk for me rather than for himself, it was an odd experience. Butit was even more striking because my need for the milk wasn’t expressed. My wanting milk wasanticipated, rather than asked for. It was so striking in fact, that it seemed like “ESP” to me, or like theperson was psychic. But he wasn’t. He probably saw me looking at the pitcher, and was just thatsensitive, that caring about his guest, and acted on it. Or maybe he was a bit psychic. Doesn’t matter.The point is, it was a little example of the Golden Rule in action.

While the above example shows how living by the Golden Rule can work in the little “day to day”aspects of daily life, it’s far more than just a “have a nice day” casual principle. It can also be so powerful asto change the world. Here’s a short, wonderful old parable, that does a pretty good job of giving anexample of that:

There was a man who died and was being taken to heaven by angels. The angels said to him,“We are going to take you to heaven, but first we will show you hell.”

The angels then took him to a place where there was a great bowl, so great that it was as big asa lake. The bowl was filled with a nutritious stew. All the way around the sides of this bowl werepeople. Emaciated, starving, miserable people. These people had spoons to eat the stew with, and thespoons were long enough to reach the stew (about 12 feet). The trouble was, while they could scoopup the stew into the spoon, they could not get it into their mouths because the spoons were too long.So here were all these pathetic people, suffering and moaning in agony, constantly trying to eat thefood that was abundantly in front of them - all in vain. Next, the angels took the man to heaven. Tohis surprise, he saw the same scene! There it was, a giant lake-like bowl of the same stew, surroundedby people with 12 foot long spoons. Yet something was different here - all these people were smiling,happy, and healthy looking!

“Why? What is the difference here that these people are happy and well fed?”, the man said tothe angels.

They replied, “Have you not eyes to see?”. The man looked more carefully, and observed thatone person would scoop up the stew, and bring it to the mouth of another. Then someone else wouldscoop up stew and feed it to the other.

The angels smiled and said, “Here the people feed each other. Here are the people thatlearned the way of Love.”

The above story uses a striking allegorical fantasy to clearly illustrate a fundamental differencebetween a world of people who are looking out for themselves first, and a world of people who make caringfor others their first priority. That’s what the Golden Rule is all about. The story exemplifies living by theGolden Rule, or not living by it, in a nutshell. But it’s more than just a story. It truly represents the realdifference that living by the Golden Rule could make in our world. It shows us how unselfishly loving others,

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is not only Pure love, but pure, real spirituality. And even if you cannot change the world so profoundly, itstill represents what kind of a spiritual world we can eventually live in if we live by the Golden Rule, andmake ourselves deserving citizens of paradise.

A Universal ConceptOne of the beauties of the Golden Rule is its total universality. It goes beyond being just non-

denominational and omni-denominational. As you will note in the above story, the issue of religiouspersuasion or faith was irrelevant. Assuming the people in that story were of various persuasions, it wastheir Pure love or selfishness that ultimately made the difference in their circumstances. The divisionbetween the “happy” place and the “miserable” place, wasn’t between Christians with 12 foot spoons, orBuddhists with 12 foot spoons, or agnostics with 12 foot spoons - or even an issue of who had spoons ornot. The thing that separated those people in the story (as it does in reality too), was whether or not they’dlearned that living by having Pure love was more important than variations in their belief systems. Andthat’s what this is all about. The concept of the Golden Rule applies to all good, caring, giving people,regardless of religion, faith, or lack of faith. It is a universal principle that anyone anywhere can use toimprove their life, the lives of those around them, and ultimately, the whole world. Isn’t that incredible,exciting, amazing and wonderful!?

The Golden Rule has a variety of typical definitions, which essentially all have the same meaning.Sometimes it’s interpreted as “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, or “Love thy Neighboras thy self”. We would add “Do no harm to others” and “Think of others first” to that list. They are allgood definitions in our opinion, and you can see how they are all reflected in the above parable. But allthose definitions and sayings are really “by-products” of “Pure love/Unselfishly loving others”. Pure lovecovers them all, and is the mother of them all. So to clarify the definition used in this book, when we sayliving by “the Golden Rule”, we basically mean living by “unselfishly loving others”.

While such “Golden Rule” principles are included in the beliefs of many spiritual traditions, in theChristian oriented parts of the world the Golden Rule is commonly attributed to a quote from Jesus. Here ishow it reads in the Bible (From the Gospel of John, King James version, chapter 13): “A newcommandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also loveone another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another”. Thatquote seems to make it crystal-clear that Pure love, unselfishly loving others (as Jesus did) is the ultimatecommandment Christians are supposed to live by. But the concept itself (Pure love or living by unselfishlyloving others), is not exclusive to any religion. The same principle is also a belief of all basically “good”people, religious or not. It can include those of any faith, and those who have no faith. You may disagree,but it appears that based on Jesus’ own words, as long as someone obeys His commandment to love oneanother as He did, they are also “followers” of His - they are also Christians. But denominational labels andsemantics aside, it is our opinion that those who indeed live by that beautiful Golden Rule, are behaving in amost spiritually responsible manner. The fact that they are also subsequently being a real Christian asdirectly defined by Jesus, is interesting though. But in any case, following the Golden Rule means being acaring spiritual person, regardless of “label” or “affiliation”. In that sense, as we said earlier, the GoldenRule is strikingly (and wonderfully) universal.

If you really think about it, there are few things that are so cross-cultural and universal. Perhaps themost universal, is a smile. Music can often cross cultures too. But when it comes to cross-cultural spiritualor moral concepts, the Golden Rule has no rival. While people often disagree on religion & politics, mosteveryone can agree on the “goodness” and “right-ness” of living by the Golden Rule, regardless of culture orreligious belief. Thus it’s an ideal in which all kind hearted people can join together towards the commongoal of manifesting Pure love and its virtues (kindness, compassion, tolerance, peace, sharing, giving, etc..) intangible ways, for the mutual betterment of themselves, and all creation.

Why the Golden Rule is the “Big Key” to Solving All of Life’s ProblemsThe great need for the Golden Rule is as simple as the Rule itself. Just take that parable about the

people with the 12 foot spoons, and apply it in present-day, real-world situations. People are suffering all over theworld. Even those who seem to be happy, often actually have a painful empty pit inside them that they attempt toignore by constantly chasing after diversions and fun. Alcohol and drugs are used to try and cope with itsometimes too, even in the “best of families” and amongst the wealthy who have everything they want (materially).Then of course there are the various wars and oppressions.

So what’s the problem? Why can’t people be happy, and live in peace and cooperation? If youobjectively look around at the world, and at people’s lives, you can trace all problems to one thing - selfishness.That’s right, just that ONETHING. If you thought greed or hate were the big problems, you’re right, but thinkfurther. Greed is just one aspect of selfishness, one “branch”. So is hate, lust, theft, starting wars, killing, jealousy,

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envy, etc., etc.. And all of those branches of selfishness have “sub-branches” too. For instance, the reason forsome people losing their jobs, or things like the destruction of a rainforest, or over-fishing to extinction, is “greed”.But again, greed is just a branch of that ONETHING. You name the problem, its real source is selfishness.

“A person who is religiously enlightened appears to me to be one who has liberated himself from the fettersof his selfish desires and is preoccupied with thoughts, feelings and aspirations to which he clings because oftheir superpersonal value.” -Albert Einstein

Unlike the common phrase “fight fire with fire”, you usually get better results fighting fire with water. Sowhat better to fight selfishness with, than it’s opposite - unselfishness. Enter the Golden Rule. The answer, andthe cure to all of life’s problems. Using a “Christ/Anti-Christ analogy, selfishness is like “the Anti-Christ” principle,and The Golden Rule is like “the Christ” principle. Once that is clearly understood, the only trick is implementingit in your life, and helping others do the same. Which brings us to the next prerequisite - understanding the sourceof selfishness.

Selfishness is a result of separation. It’s an outgrowth, and outcome, of being separate. Separate fromwhat? Everyone and everything “else”. Separate from others, separate from nature/the Universe/God. If youtotally feel and believe that you are a separate being from everyone else, and everything else in the Universe, it’snaturally “you against the world”. Me first. Look out for number one. It all makes total sense from that separateperspective. But the truth is that we are all One creation - scientifically speaking, and spiritually speaking.

Looking at it scientifically without a religious or spiritual viewpoint, scientists know we are all made of thesame essential “stuff”, and the Universe is one thing, one energy, forming unimaginable numbers of parts ofcreation. Even if you take the stance that humans just “developed” self-awareness through evolution, that self-awareness is still what is behind humans seeing themselves as separate, and getting “out of harmony” witheverything else in the Universe and nature. With that “self-consciousness” you have the separate selfcontemplating its “me against the world (or against the Universe)” scenario.

Theologically, you can consider it like the story of Adam and Eve, or fallen angels (whether you wish tointerpret that allegorically or factually). Rebelling against the One God, caused a separation or “cut off” from theOne God, and again, suddenly, there was the separate self contemplating it’s “me against the world (or against theUniverse/God)” scenario.

So anyway you look at it, the result is the same. The “I, me, mine” thinking and behaving begins. Andwith that, greed, jealousy, fear, intolerance, hate, etc., etc., and all the problems that creates. But we all have botha selfish-side self (that contributes to those problems), and a “soul”, “spirit” or “good” side too.

Other than humans who let their selfish-side control them (most humans), everything else in the Universefunctions as one harmonious system. Disjointed, separate thinking and behavior, interferes with that harmony,and creates disruptive “ripples in the pond” that can cause pain and suffering. And when those ripples we createhit the edge of the pond, they bounce back in even more complex patterns. Again, selfishness, and it’s endlesscycle of desire and fear, causes all the problems in our personal lives, as well as the world. It’s easy to see for thosewho don’t deliberately make themselves “blind” because of their selfishness and fear.

Once you have identified the problem, you can find a solution. In this case, since the real problem behindeverything is selfishness and separation from the Universe/God, the solution is unselfishness, transcending theillusion of separation, and returning to oneness and harmony with the Universe/God. Anything that can help thatprocess (as long as it’s harmless), is a good thing as far as I’m concerned. The Golden Rule and its offspringvirtues, are thus a “big key”, and perfect way to achieve the above goal. And even if living by the Golden Ruledidn’t achieve that lofty goal, it’s still a “win - win” situation, because you become a better person, feel better, andhelp others. It just makes common sense.

Ironically, while the Golden Rule is intellectually well known by almost everyone, it seems to be stuck insome mental file cabinet within the dusty archives of people’s brains. It’s amazing when you think about it. TheGolden Rule is probably the most vital, positive, constructive principle in the world (in both a spiritual and practicalsense) - and it’s always been just “sitting there” right before us, waiting for us to notice it, take it and use it. It’slikely we even heard about it from our mother or family when we were children. There in the recesses of ourmind, is this incredible, powerful, yet simple, universal, common sense means of developing true spirituality,improving our lives and the lives of others. It’s so simple, so basic, so truly profound in a real sense - yet it’s oftennot even thought of by most of us as we search for “profound” spiritual knowledge, truths, and beliefs. And evenif it is thought of, it’s often not thought of as being as significant as it really is. Or it’s just misunderstood, ignored,or given up on. But that is all changing.

The Golden Rule seems to have been lying dormant within the hearts and minds of many good peoplelike some kind of spiritual “time capsule” waiting to be opened. Benjamin Franklin said, “You will observe withconcern how long a useful truth may be known and exist, before it is generally received and practiced on.” Well,

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the “useful truth” of the Golden Rule has been around a very long time, yet it seems that only now is it reallybeginning to be generally received and practiced on by many people. Its time has finally come. The response we(the Golden Rule Organization [GRO]) have been getting to the idea of people implementing the Golden Rule intheir lives, is remarkable.

People everywhere are responding, and experiencing an “awakening” of the Golden Rule withinthemselves. And as they each start living by the Golden Rule, and discussing its simple beauty with acquaintances,friends, family, and neighbors, some of them respond to it also. In this time of so much change and turmoil in theworld, the “common sense” of the Golden Rule, is creating a “common spirituality”, and spreading on a grassroots level. And as Franklin seemed to grasp, it is a movement that will eventually spread amongst those of like-mind throughout the world.

The time you spend on developing your own unselfish love, and on spreading it to others, is invaluable.Here’s a nice thought from Albert Schweitzer - “You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it’s a littlething, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it.”

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Chapter Three

My experience with the Golden Rule

When I was younger, the selfish way many people lived and treated each other, left me confusedand miserable. I couldn’t relate to (or go along with) the “dog eat dog” ways of the world. I naturallywanted to end my suffering and confusion, and was desperate for answers about life and spirituality -answers that made sense. Such answers were hard to come by. I went from being a “believer” in my familyreligion, to an atheist, to an agnostic, then back to a believer in God again (but unsure in what form orconcept). I became an insatiable spiritual seeker, looking for that path of total truth and consistent answersthat “put it all together”. I found “threads” and “bits & pieces” here and there, but never found somethingthat totally, as a whole, “rang the inner bells of truth”. Then one day I did. Just as I was about to give uphope and commit suicide, I finally came upon these simple teachings that made sense of it all. And indeed,it was so simple, the revelation was shocking. Selfishness was the disease - the root of all problems. Andunselfish love, the Golden Rule, the cure. I realized that was the big answer I had been unknowingly lookingfor my whole life. I also realized I was “homesick” in a way, for people who were living by the GoldenRule, or working on living by it.

Subsequently, I entered a monastery. My goal was to become an unselfishly loving person, returnto living in oneness and harmony with God/the Universe/Universal Spirit, and being an instrument of God’swill and love. All my studies and training applied to achieving that goal. I used traditional techniques ofaceticism, meditation and prayer/affirmation to do everything I could to change. It was a long, hard, butfruitful process. This culminated with a near-death experience (NDE) that also changed me. I eventuallyachieved my goals, and now my life is dedicated to helping others achieve the same things, which is why Iwrote this workbook.

When I chose to become a monk, it wasn’t just to help end my own pain and improve my own life,but also because I was sensitive to the empty lives and suffering of others, and eventually wanted to helpthem too. And I knew I could only do that by example - so I had to “get it” and live by it first. So now Icontinue to pass on that heritage, offering it to others so they can make their own lives better, and can passit on to others themselves. Tag, you’re it! Pass it on! Even though I have a background as a monk, I also have family. My life’s work has been counsellingpeople, and teaching the principles and methods in this book, and others. I have decades of experience indealing with many different kinds of interpersonal relationships and group situations. It is my hope that allmy experience can be used to your benefit, through this book.

Obviously, most people don’t want a monastic life, but do want a better and more spiritual life.Many people have asked for advice on how they can apply the Golden Rule in their lives, without joining amonastery. They want to know what they can do in their present life situations. And there is a lot you cando - but it’s kind of like being self-employed. A monastery is like being at work. When you work forsomeone else at a job, you know you can’t be a “slouch” or you’ll get fired. The entire environment isgeared towards keeping you on track and functioning at maximum production potential. Being your ownboss and working at home takes far more self-discipline - you have no supervisors other than you, no time-clock other than yours, lots of diversions and temptations to lead you off-track if you don’t stay on top ofyourself. Thus, this book not only covers virtually all types of living scenarios in which you can work onyour own spiritual development by applying the Golden Rule, it gives you all kinds of techniques, guidelinesand daily check lists to help you stay on track and achieve your goals. It includes some ideas and methodsfor applying the Golden Rule while living alone, living with a spouse and/or family, doing “study groups”,“church-groups”, roommate situations, and even actually creating an intentional roommate situation as a“semi-mini-monastery”. But we must mention, that this kind of thing has never been done before in quitethis way, and as such, is experimental. So while you can use the ideas set forth here, don’t hesitate to tryand modify them to fit your exact situation, and please send us your ideas and experiences, so others maybenefit from them too.

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Chapter Four

“Me First!” “No, Me First!”

Naturally inherent within the Golden Rule and unselfish love, is the premise of focusing on lovingothers before ourselves. That was the whole point of the parable about the long spoons (Those who onlythought of themselves first, got nothing and were miserable. Those who thought of others first, got fed andwere happy). It may be paradoxical, but the fact is, when you are truly being unselfish, you have Pure lovefor everyone, including your own self. Such “real” love makes for a situation in which loving others andloving yourself occurs simultaneously - but it has to start with giving. That’s because Pure love is somethingthat “flows outwards”. It is directional. Picture water flowing through a hose. It flows in one direction, notbackwards, nor back and forth (give and take) - only outwards (giving). So to have Pure love, to experienceit, to have it residing within yourself, all you need to do is give it. If you don’t, you end up with no loveperiod - no love for others, no love for yourself, and no others who love you.

One of the easiest ways to grasp the concept of Pure love, is to observe a mother with a baby. Youcan even see it with animals. Unselfishly loving others is much like the self-sacrificing love of a “normal”mother for her children. Her love for the child, puts the child’s needs and interests first. The child doesn’tneed to reciprocate - love fills the mother as she gives love to the child. So what about the idea that youmust love your self first, in order to love others? Well, everyone is welcome to their own opinion andfollowing their own ideas, of course. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t love yourself. You should. I’m onlysaying that I, and many others, have observed that having Pure love for your self (as opposed to selfish love)only occurs as a result of loving others first. If you disagree, please objectively consider the examplesbelow, regarding the effects of the two different approaches to loving yourself.

There are many who are “self-loving”, but have never gone on to really care for anyone else - theyjust continue to further their own self interests and selfishness (see the example of “the neighbors” on page14). And because of that, they continue to be selfish contributors to a world full of selfishly based problems,harm, and subsequent suffering. On the other hand, not one person who ever embraced the principle ofcaring for others first, lacked loving themselves also. Think about it - if you unselfishly love others first, itis impossible to not feel good about yourself, and love yourself. Loving others gives you self-esteem. Also,you love yourself too - simultaneously. There is no way anyone who unselfishly loves others could not lovethemselves “automatically” and feel great about themselves. When you feel and give Pure love it is good foreveryone, including yourself. In fact, loving others is the only way you can unselfishly love your self. Andunselfish love is truly the only “real” kind of love (as opposed to the “romantic love” or the “I love Frenchfood” concepts of love).

“I find life an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.” -Helen Keller.

Pure love is “self-fulfilling”. It has its own rewards and good feelings “built-in”. Here’s anotheranalogy that can help people understand it: Imagine we are like “faucets” connected to a water supply. Afaucet is essentially a “valve” or “on/off switch” that allows the water to flow or not flow. Now imagine thatPure love is the water. We need/want water (Love). But if we try to keep it all to ourselves by keeping thefaucet off, we aren’t getting any water flowing into us either. However, when we open ourselves to let thewater flow freely, freely giving it out, the water is also flowing into us and through us. So we are getting thewater ourselves also. But if we try to selfishly have water just for our selves, to “possess” our water byshutting off our valves and not giving it freely, not letting the water flow on through us, what happens? Weshut off our own supply, for it is no longer in us! So giving love to others first, is truly loving your self - notfirst - not second - it is simultaneous - just by giving it, doing it - you get it.

“Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”- James Barrie

Unselfish Love vs. Unconditional LoveUnselfish Love is a type of unconditional love. But if you interpret the words ‘unconditional love’

literally, it means giving to, or being supportive of someone, regardless of their actions, no matter what. Ifwe use that as the definition of unconditional love, then what we call Unselfish Love is different in animportant way. Unselfish Love does not mean giving the loved one anything they want, or supporting anyand all actions. Unconditional love like that, could be harmful to the one you love. Unselfishly Loving

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someone does mean that you will always care for them, always still care about what is best for them,regardless of what the loved one may do or choose. But there can be conditions set on interaction orsupport. What conditions? It’s not a matter of a fixed rule. Everyone is different. Everyone has differentneeds. There are some things that are the same, but each individual does have different things that shouldbe allowed, or not allowed.

Loving someone unselfishly, automatically makes you give to the loved one what their ‘wholebeing’ needs. But it does not just feed their wants and desires. In fact, Unselfish Love may actually requiredenying a loved one’s desire. But whatever is required for the person, whether giving, and/or denying, bothare done REGARDLESS of its consequences on you. Even if it means the person will hate you, or fight you,you must do what is best for them.

For example, consider the raising of children. Let’s look at the application of Unselfish Love vs.unconditional love and “normal” (selfish) love, in that scenario. There are times when you should not give achild what it wants, because it’s not in their best interest. They may want something that could harmthemselves, or harm someone or something else. But when Unselfish Love is not present, a child is likely tobe ‘given in to’ when they persist, or through an ego tantrum. But if you give in, even if there is no physicalharm that results, it can make them what is commonly called ‘spoiled’. The term ‘spoiled’ is merely aeuphemism for a person’s selfishness being so consistently ‘given in to’ and ‘well fed’, that the selfish selfgrows in power and wants more, and expects more. In the case of children, they become what people call‘little monsters’, and in the case of adults, they become what’s called selfish ‘jerks’ or ‘bitches’. Child oradult, a person who’s selfishness is overindulged becomes quite difficult to deal with, and they lack civility,and love for others.

You may have seen people who are often mean to their children, sometimes they get very abusive.But that isn’t what we mean by not ‘giving in’ to them. Quite the opposite.

There is a common flip side to the coin of indulging someone’s self. Since it is being done becausethe person ‘giving in’ is actually selfish, the other aspects of their selfishness also come out. Sometimesrather than ‘giving in’ to a child, the same parent (who is not Unselfishly Loving), will instead treat the childwith anger or even violence, which also further creates bad programming, bad behavior, and a ‘monster’.

How many times have you seen a parent tell a child not to do something, and the child ignoresthem? The child ignores them because they KNOW they can get away with it. Then the parent says “no”again. Still no results. Eventually the parent gets angry, and either yells or strikes the child. What does thatteach the child? Two things - one, it may be worth the gamble to see how far it can get away withsomething, because they know the parent doesn’t really mean what they say, or back up their threats veryoften. And two, when the parent finally ‘loses it’, all the child knows is they are being attacked, hated, andthat bigger and stronger is better, and might makes right. All very bad lessons. On the other hand, anUnselfishly Loving parent will give loving instructions one time, and then demonstrate that with absoluteregularity, that if they are not listened to, a loving discipline will occur. Sure, it takes more work, and ironclad consistency, and you must sometimes do things that are unpleasant, both for yourself and for the child -such as taking away something the child likes, or ‘grounding’ them, or isolating them like sending them totheir room - but always with Love and kindness. Only such true Loving action yields good results. And ityields remarkable results. The child will eventually not ‘test’ its limits, and ends up a happier, more lovingbeing itself.

This applies to relationships also. If you tolerate harmful or unpleasant behavior in a mate or afriend, either because of ‘unconditional love’ or because your relationship is based on selfish motives, thenyou have a mess. And when you finally ‘lose it’, and get negative and angry, it will create even more of amess. But if you Love Unselfishly, you may even be able to help someone overcome their problems, byboth not tolerating bad behavior, and giving loving, positive direction at the same time.

“I Want to Know what Love is - I Need You to Show me”Some parents may have “tasted” a bit of the joy of Unselfish Love, by anonymously giving to their

children under the guise of gifts from Santa Claus. But even that “taste” was virtually nothing compared tothe full experience of being totally Unselfishly Loving, and the mix of peace of mind, sadness, and bliss thataccompany it. Nor does it give us a taste of what it’s like to be totally Unselfishly Loved.

Most people have never experienced pure Unselfish Love, either giving it or receiving it. Howwould you describe colors to a person born blind, or born color blind? And how could you describe colorsto someone else, if you were born blind yourself, and have never experienced color yourself? That would beeven be more difficult. And Unselfish Love is something that you can give those who are “blind” because ofselfishness, that will describe it to them - even more, it will show it to them, even though they have neverexperienced it themselves... It will always be a blessing for them, even though they may not know it, orknow what’s going on. It will be more powerful than your words, (even though it will be in harmony with

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both your words and your actions). Because the experience of being Unselfishly Loved involves feelingsomething from someone, something subtle possibly, but something that you’ve never felt before. It alsoinvolves an Inner spiritual kindling, a knowing, and actually seeing an example of the way someone lives andacts. Most people can’t Love Unselfishly, until they experience being Loved Unselfishly first.

You will be meeting people like that all the time. People who are ready to change. People whohave prayed or desperately hoped for some kind of answers or guidance for their lives. Experiencing beingLoved can spark the flame of Unselfish Love within the “loved one” (if they are open to change and tobegin giving themselves). Unselfish Love can spread this way.

Unselfish Love makes your life a Living Prayer/Meditation

“Only through love can we attain communion with God.”- Albert Schweitzer.

Of what good is any belief or ‘growth’ method if it doesn’t make life better, more kind, morebeautiful? If your life doesn’t radiate these things then your life is but that of a Sun that doesn’t shine. Theopportunity to grow, to give, and to Unselfishly Love is here every moment. It is the prayer you make withyour life. It is the eternal meditation.

The Phantom Attacks by NightIn the years after I left the monastery, I traveled a great deal, working towards helping people reach

towards mutual respect, compassion, and understand the universal spirituality we all have in common.During that time I visited monasteries, ashrams, etc., of many different religions and paths. One that Ivisited for a few weeks, had created a unique way for its members to experience Unselfish Love, via givingto other members. They called it “The Phantom”, and here’s how it works: let’s say someone makes acake, or a coat, or whatever, to give to someone else in the community. Rather than giving it to themoutright, or wrapped with a little card letting them know who the gift is from, they leave it sneakily, in themiddle of the night, with a note saying it is from the Phantom. Their method insures the anonymity of thegiver, thus, the only personal gain the giver gets, is the joy of doing something nice for someone else, thejoy of giving, the joy of Unselfishly Loving. This insures that the giving is being done for the right reasons,unselfishly, and is thus not feeding the selfish-side. You might want to try some “Phantom” giving yourself -it’s not only good for you, it’s fun.

Unselfish Love and AbuseThere are many people who have suffered abuse, or are still in abusive relationships right now.

We want to make certain that the Golden Rule principle of unselfish love, doesn’t get twisted, “abused”, andused as an excuse for abuse, or tolerating abuse. Living by the Golden Rule doesn’t mean you should allowothers to be abusive. People who have been abused, develop “abuse syndrome”. They tend to let theabuse done to them “slide”, be “OK”, and even blame themselves for it sometimes. So let’s get that straightright away. If you are in an abusive situation, please go get professional help immediately - NOW.Sometimes friends and family don’t help, but there are usually abuse shelters and programs in a city nearyou. If it’s physical, call the police. Unselfish love doesn’t mean letting someone emotionally or physicallyharm you, because you are supposed to be “loving” towards them. As we mentioned earlier, unselfish love isconditional, and often requires different responses to different situations. It involves caring about others,and doing what is best for others, yes. But being an emotional or physical “punching bag” is not “best” foranyone. Allowing abuse is not being unselfishly loving, nor truly caring. Living by the Golden Rule doesn’tpreclude getting away from an emotionally abusive person or calling the authorities to deal with a physicallyabusive person. In fact, that would be the unselfishly loving thing to do in such a case. Sometimes peopleneed a harsh “wake up call” to give them an opportunity to change. If you want to help the abuser gettherapy, do so SECOND, only after you get help and treatment (otherwise you can get “sucked” back intothe abusive situation again).

Ironically, if you have been abused, applying the Golden Rule in your life may be the best hope fora cure. The field of psychology is split on this at the moment, and seems to be dividing into two opposingcamps - one that believes that focusing on caring about others is a mental illness in and of itself, and anotherthat believes focusing on caring about others is the best way to prevent or heal trauma. Obviously, we aresympathetic to the latter way of thinking. We believe that unselfishly loving others, is self-healing.

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“The most solid comfort one can fall back upon is the thought that the business of one’s life is to help insome way to reduce the sum of ignorance, degradation and misery on the face of this beautiful earth.”- George Eliot

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Chapter Five

Creating A New Golden Rule World

Some of you agree with the idea expressed in the “spoon” parable, and would like to live that way,yet you find yourself questioning the practicality of really thinking of others first. In normal circumstances,you’ll often be taken advantage of if you do (which is why it’s good to find others of like-mind who will do itwith you at the same time). So it may seem too idealistic or impractical to you right now to stop thinkingselfishly. In a way, you may be right - it is a bad idea to change yourself into a being who gives and lives forothers without discretion. Giving indiscriminately to selfish people can often do the people you’re givingto, more harm than good. But don’t let that stop you from working on applying the Golden Rule andtranscending selfishness. It can be done without getting taken advantage of. You simply must use discretionas to who to give to, and how. See if someone responds to your giving with selfishness, or it stimulatestheir own Pure love, then deal with it accordingly. That’s why unselfish love is “conditional”. There are ways to deal with this discretion issue in a number of ways. That is one reason for thisbook. You can apply the Golden Rule in your dealings with selfish strangers to an extent, and to a greaterextent with others who care as much about you, as you care about them - and who demonstrate it with theiractions.

A “Great Experiment”The purpose of this book is not to create a new religion, but rather, to renew and support

spirituality in “any and all” frameworks. It is for those who believe the Golden Rule is perhaps the mostimportant principle to live by, and most important belief, that ever existed. It is also for those who believethe Golden Rule is not just a spiritual ideal, but a practical principle.

This book was created as a guide to help those who want to really work on applying the GoldenRule in their lives - in various ways, and to various degrees - each according to their individual needs,desires, and free will choices. It is our hope that it will help people achieve spiritual growth via the “GoldenRule”, at their own speed, whatever their circumstances, wherever they are in the world, with minimaloutside help. While that may not be as “optimal” a situation for spiritual growth as a monastic type ofsituation, it is our hope that The Golden Rule Workbook will help any individual who wants such growth,to achieve it.

In order to accommodate everyone, regardless of their situation or to what extent they want togrow or develop unselfish love, The Golden Rule Workbook outlines a number of optional programs. Ittakes a multi-tiered and “networking” approach to help anyone who wants to, apply the principle of theGolden Rule in their life. This includes: general ways to apply it in your life with everyone and to changeyourself; and ways to apply it with those of like-mind who also want to apply it, and “do the work” withyou. Both methods can apply to old friends/family or new friends (met through networking or other meansof acquaintance).

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Chapter Six

Negative/Positive Thinkingand The Golden Rule

A Few Examples of the Real Power of Thought(Positive or Negative)

When scientists conduct studies, they arrange them to allow for something called the “placeboeffect”. That’s because when someone believes something is real, their mind can affect their body in veryreal ways.

Here’s an example of a sort of “negative placebo effect”. When a patient is in surgery, andunconscious, what the surgeons say can affect them. If the surgeons express doubts about their unconsciouspatient’s ability to recover, or talk about how bad their condition is, it can adversely affect their recovery.Why? Because the patient’s subconscious mind hears the whole conversation, and accepts it as a belief.

Conversely, positive thoughts, beliefs, and visualizations, can have striking healing benefits. There isa great deal of scientific evidence now about how positive visualization, and stress management cancontribute greatly towards healing, and prevention of illness.

There are Tibetan monks who sit in the snow, and have wet blankets wrapped around them (whichquickly freeze). They measure their abilities based on how big a circle they can melt around themselves, andhow many frozen blankets they can thaw. Biofeedback training also allows people to manipulate their bodytemperature, and blood flow. This is even done as a treatment for those who have severe migraineheadaches. They learn to alleviate headaches by redirecting blood flow to their hands - just by thinking it so.

I saw my first striking demonstration of how powerful the mind is, in college. Hypnotized studentswere touched on the hands with a cool object that they believed was a burning cigar. Burn blisters formed.Not everyone is such a good hypnotic subject, but everyone has the same power of mind.

The power of belief is astounding, has many good uses, but does have its limits, and can even bemisused. Some of the books listed in the ordering section can help if you want to learn more about thesubject.

Fear, Desires and DenialDenial isn’t a River in Egypt

Unfortunately, most people don’t really understand the true powers of the mind, nor it’s limitations.They intuitively know there is “something to it”, then get ideas about it from friends, or books they’ve read,or programs they’ve been involved with. But as the old saying goes, “A little knowledge can bedangerous.”. A lack of thorough information and training about the mind, combined with a lack of unselfishlove, can lead to some very skewed ways of perceiving reality and misunderstood ideas about the powers ofthought. It is especially not a good combination with “ego” or self-centeredness. It opens the doors totaking the idea of “the power of thought” to an extreme, and using it as a means of selfish, self-centereddenial. When that happens, the Golden Rule, and its offspring of compassion, all go out the window. Solet’s look at some of those misconceptions, and the realities, more closely.

Fear as a Lightning Rod for TroubleOne of the first common misunderstandings is about fear. What it is, what it does, and how to deal

with it. Living by the Golden Rule involves caring about others, being concerned about others, and havingcompassion for others. That subsequently involves facing reality, facing the real problems that you andothers have. And that subsequently involves facing your own fears. Facing fear instead of living in fear ordenial, is the only way to do something positive and constructive about your problems, or the problems ofothers. Denying that problems exist, only allows them to continue, or grow. But there is a big differencebetween acknowledging, facing and dealing with problems, and mentally nurturing or developing them.

The fact is, fear can attract what you are afraid of. There is also something to the old saying that“animals can ‘smell’ fear”. And it applies to humans too. But people need to clearly understand thedifference between irrational fear (and its related thoughts and feelings), and rational concern (and its relatedthoughts and feelings). The trouble is, many people who think they understand fear, the power of the mind,the power of positive and negative thought, really don’t.

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When I was young, I experienced the negative effects of fear personally in many ways. I was a verysensitive child that was always picked on and beaten up. After getting good at martial arts, and losing myfear of getting beaten up, I never again had a problem, and never had to use the martial arts training. I’vealso seen those who fought out of fear or hate, usually make many mistakes. A fearless, rational fightermay use “emotional content” rather than hate or anger, to enhance their ability. But still, even without thefear, if I were so extreme with the idea that I was in denial, and thought I couldn’t get hurt, and placedmyself in dangerous situations because of my delusion, I could have gotten seriously hurt.

I also have a son who once had a terrible fear of dogs. And sure enough, they were always chasingand attacking him. As soon as he lost the fear, most dogs weren’t interested any longer.

Afraid of being broke? A professional card dealer who once dealt cards in Las Vegas told me theyhad a saying that relates to that too - “scared money loses”. They’ve seen that people who are desperate towin, or really afraid of losing, almost always lose beyond the odds. It can actually be measured statistically.

Fear as a “wake up call”We’ve just covered how fear can actually help create problems. But certain aspects of it, used in a

different way, can also help prevent problems. Positively using part of the source of fear as a mereguidance and alarm device, can be beneficial. People need warning mechanisms in life. Listening to yourintuitive “warning sensors” can keep you from doing stupid things that can get you into trouble. You mighthave a bad feeling about going into the park for a good reason. Or feeling like you need to slow down yourcar on the upcoming curve that may be icy. Or using that payphone with those men hanging around it.There are countless incidences in which someone hasn’t been harmed, because they listened to theirwarning mechanisms, whether intuition based, or “fear source” based. Ignoring real potential problemsunder the banner of “not giving in to fear”, or “not creating anything bad” is just plain unprovable “wishfulthinking”. You can create a delusion of “safety through positive thought” that can get you and others hurt ifyou buy into it. You can say “I won’t give any energy to the negative thoughts of possibly being harmed”,put a blindfold on, then drive the car across town in rush hour traffic. But you’d almost certainly have anaccident. That can be proven, and no one can prove that you can ignore traffic and get away with it, nomatter how “perfectly positive” your thoughts are.

Again, you need “warning sensors” to alert you to possible danger or problems, and you need to beaware of potential problems, and act on them, to keep you and others from harm. So how does that workwith the idea that fear can attract problems and cause harm. It doesn’t, BECAUSE WHAT WE HAVE JUSTTALKED ABOUT ISN’T FEAR. It is what the source of fear basically is. This is where so many people“miss the boat” and just don’t get it. They don’t really understand the difference between acknowledging apotential problem, and creating it with their mind. They’ve just jumped on the bandwagon that ANYthought which isn’t “Everything is perfect, nothing is wrong, nothing can go wrong.”, is fear based, andcreating a problem. But mentally acknowledging a problem/threat, thinking about how to deal with it, andthen taking action, isn’t fear, and isn’t the problem. Fear may be involved with that process for manypeople, and needs to be isolated. But it’s the “selfish-self’s” reaction to our “warning mechanism” thatcreates “fear” as we know it, and the associated problems.

Fear associated problems can come from a couple of different ways of negatively dealing with fear.Selfish-self’s reaction type #1 is “freaking out” (to various degrees which can include aversion), with

its associated obsession and negative thought projection. We’ll call this “negative thinking”.Selfish-self’s reaction type #2 is pretending nothing is wrong, or nothing can go wrong. We’ll call

this “denial thinking”. Denial thinking is really the result of someone being SO very, very afraid, that theydon’t even want to face the possibility of the existence of what they fear. This type of thinking usuallyinvolves transferring their own fear to others - thinking it’s other people who are afraid, not them. They sayothers are “fearful” or “projecting fear”, if they even mention the harsh realities of life, and possibleproblems or threats. We’ll discuss denial thinking more later, because it is growing in popularity, and part ofa big social problem.

Obviously both types of selfish-self reactions cause their own types of problems (which we’ll alsodiscuss more later). But what about a Golden Rule way of “reading the warning sensors”? With the transcension of selfishness that can come with applying unselfish love in your life, fear canchange to merely being rational concern and a means of alerting you to assess possible problems or threats,so you can act on them rationally to bring about the most positive conclusion. Developing unselfish lovechanges the way you think and deal with everything. Instead of self-centered reactions, you can have“beyond your self” reactions in which you have more awareness of the big picture, are more calm, and havemore clarity of thought. To understand that a little better, you can use a car as analogy. You are the car inthis analogy. You’ve got warning lights and gauges on the dashboard of your car.

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Having self-centered reaction type 1 might be like looking at your gauges so much you get into anaccident, or seeing the water temperature go into the boiling range, and “freaking out” as if you weregetting burned. Such a reaction might include such irrationality as saying to yourself “Oh my God! Oh myGod! Oh my God!” while you continue driving until the car totally breaks down. Or you might crashbecause of the “freaking out” reaction (you could swerve, slam on the brakes, not see another car becauseyour awareness is down, etc.).

If you are “coming from” a thought process that is unselfishly based, you can positively observe theproblems and take positive action. If the car is getting too hot, you can pull off and get water before there isserious damage. In fact, the more you know, the more you are prepared, the less trouble you’re likely tohave.

But if you are “coming from” a thought process of self-centered reaction #2 (denial) and you ignoreyour warning lights, you are increasing your odds of a problem, rather than decreasing them. If you ignorethe radiator boiling over, your engine will die, regardless of what you “think”. Can you imagine ignoringyour gas gauge because “you don’t want to give energy to running out of gas”?

The Link between Compassion/Caring, Pain, and FearLiving by the Golden Rule means caring about others. Caring is a major source of positive change

(examples forthcoming). But it hurts to care. Period. Having real compassion, also means being willing tofeel the emotional pain that is part of REALLY caring. To my knowledge, there is no way to have an openheart, and care about others, without feeling the personal emotional pain that comes when you have realcompassion for the pain, suffering and hardships of others. They are inseparably linked together. If youaren’t willing to experience some heartache in order to care, then you won’t be willing to live by the GoldenRule.

Fear, Pain, and Denial ThinkingHaving awareness of your self and the world around you, and having an open mind is very similar

to having an open, but aching, heart. Having real courage, means being willing to feel the pain involvedwith your fears, face your fears, and deal with them positively.

Some people are at least honest about being selfish and not caring about others. And honest aboutbeing afraid to face reality. But others have found ways to avoid facing themselves, their fear, or facing thepain and fear of world conditions. One of the most unfortunate ways, is by “pretending” to be spiritual andfull of “love and light”. They have actually convinced themselves that their delusion is real, while really stillbeing just plain old selfish and uncaring (in a nice “love and light” package).

Let’s compare Golden Rule behavior to “pseudo-spiritual” behavior. Let’s say you live in thecountry, and you have a few neighbors who are also friends. “Friend number one” is a seemingly stern,down to earth farmer. But he “gets” the idea of the Golden Rule, and tries to live by it. “Friend numbertwo” is someone who always seems to be such a “sweetness and light” person. This person has read manyspiritual books, is into all kinds of “spiritual things”, goes to various kinds of spiritual seminars, etc., etc..“Friend number three” considers himself a “religious person”. You’ve all been “friends” and neighbors foryears. One day, your house burns down. Your three friends all come over to see you. The “non-spiritual”Golden Rule oriented friend begins to organize help to rebuild your house, get you food, clothing, and offersto let you stay at his house in the mean time. Neighbor number two sighs, shakes his head, tells you howyou must have “attracted it to yourself” with negative thought projections. Then he drives off leaving youand your burned house in the dust as they head off to attend a weekend of cosmic dance and sacredgeometry building seminars. Friend number three expresses his concern and sympathy verbally, but doesnothing to help. Which friend would you rather have? Which friend is really more spiritual? Which kind offriends do you want to cultivate and deserve?

As in the example above, some people claim to believe that if you don’t “give energy to” (thinkabout) problems, you are preventing problems, or at least minimizing them. But like we said earlier, suchdenial thinking is often really the result of their extreme fear. But it’s also from selfishness. They’re afraidto lose what they desire and what they are attached to. Sure, there is no doubt that negative thinking andfear can create or worsen problems, as I gave examples of above. But when that is misunderstood bysomeone who is not making unselfish love their priority, it is often used as an excuse for selfishness, and away to avoid fear rather than facing the harsh realities of life with courage. Problems and “threats” shouldnot be expected to go away by ignoring them like an ostrich hiding its head in a hole (thinking a predatorwon’t see it or get it if it can’t see the predator). Denying that there even is a problem, doesn’t make it sothere aren’t any problems, or make it so you don’t create problems. If fact, if anything, it makes thingsworse and lets problems grow and spread.

How “Golden Rule thinking” Creates Positive Change

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We’ve already given some examples of the benefits of Golden Rule positive thinking over fear basednegative or denial thinking. But this is such an important concept that I thought I should give moreexamples that can provide you with deeper and fuller understanding.

I had cancer once. I got it because of accidental extreme radiation exposure.I know some denial thinkers out there are thinking to themselves that their thoughts could prevent

getting cancer in such circumstances. All I can do is repeat myself, and say you misunderstand the power ofthought. I would ask you to “get real” about it and try to come up with ANY legitimate proof to supportyour belief - there just isn’t any. Again, you have to understand the true abilities and limits of the mind andthinking. I know better than most what those are. I have also known of many people who have recoveredfrom cancer while using positive imagery. But you need to separate reality from fantasy, and know thelimits and true uses of positive thinking if you really want to improve your life and those of others.

Back to my cancer story - I was given 6 weeks to live (This, by the way, is a bad thing for a doctorto do - a truly negative thought projection. That statement could have contributed to an early death had Iaccepted it in any way, even subconsciously. Had I not understood the powers of the mind, or not hadcontrol over my own mind, it probably would have). I was barely alive, but before I could start my road torecovery, I had to first recognize and acknowledge the fact that I was dying and wasting away - if I hadn’t, Iwould have just died one day “by surprise”. After recognizing the problem, I had to define the problem (thatit was cancer, and what type of cancer), then I came up with a constructive plan for healing. I used manytypes of physical and spiritual therapies in combination.

The first step towards finding a solution to any problem, is to identify and clearlydefine the problem. Then you can find an answer, a solution, a healing. Thus if a person wants toimprove their life, the lives of others, and the world, they must first be aware of any problems or potentialproblems that exist. After that, they need to respond with constructive thoughts and actions.

What comes out in the wash?Comparing Brand “A”, with Brand “X”

Just look at the results of following both ways of thinking and dealing with life (Golden Rule vs.“denial thinking”). There is quantitative proof of the benefits of living by the Golden Rule, and the fallacy ofliving by denial thinking. All it takes is looking at the facts with an open, objective mind, and the truth iscrystal clear. No one can give facts proving that apathy or denial ever helped anyone or anything. On theother hand, we can point to thousands of provable instances where positively recognizing and facing thereality of a problem, then dealing with it accordingly, helped make things better. I already gave you a few.

Some “denial thinkers” point to “pseudo-evidence” of how denial thinking works. They’ll point tothings like leaving their doors unlocked, and not having their car stolen or house burglarized, as evidence ofhow not giving such things “negative energy” work. But consider the facts objectively. Check the statistics.Most people are concerned about crooks, and do lock their doors, and yet they still don’t get burglarized.Your house may never be targeted for burglary, and if it’s not, no crook will even try the doorknob to see ifit’s unlocked. You could go your whole life with no problem, or you could end up one of the burglarystatistics - locked or not, concerned about theft or not. So that’s not evidence of “denial thinking” beingbeneficial, or working in the least. And if it really worked, why not drive through red lights and not giveenergy to getting a ticket, or having an accident?

We can give you proof of the benefits of facing reality (including not driving through red lights). Tostart with, there are many instances of how someone’s burglar alarm frightened off burglars. In the sameinstance of a targeted house, the denial thinker without an alarm would have had an intruder (they probablywould have denied being robbed though, so as not to look foolish).

Car theft statistics are similar. You may never have your car stolen, locked or not, car keys left in itor not. But in fact, statistically, you increase the odds of having your car stolen, if you leave your keys in thecar, “unconcerned” that someone will steal it. And fewer cars (car for car) with alarm systems are stolen,than those without. That’s why some insurance companies give discounts for people who have house,business, and auto alarm systems. It’s their business to know those facts. So statistically, the evidence inthese areas prove that denial thinking doesn’t work, and “giving energy to”/being realistically concernedabout problems and potential threats, actually pays off when you take constructive positive action. Andthere are far more areas of example.

Denial thinking is also often taken to the extreme regarding health issues. They say you won’t getsick if you don’t think you will, or believe you will. This is sometimes really taken to the point of not seekingmedical treatment for very serious problems (neither alternative nor traditional medical treatment). But allbodies age, get ill sometimes, and eventually die. There is not a shred of factual evidence or truth to thecontrary. In fact, all things in nature, and the entire universe go through cycles, age, and die. It’s all just

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part of the continuation of life. It’s natural. It actually has a purpose to it. If you believe otherwise, you’rejust in denial because you’re afraid of aging and dying.

Ironically, many of the people who practice denial thinking are also involved with alternative healingmethods. Why be involved in healing therapies, if acknowledging the need for it is actually “giving energyto” an illness, or only reinforcing negative thought by even acknowledging an illness (you can’t have healingwithout something to heal). The fact is, in order to heal something, you first must acknowledge that there isa health problem, then you have to define and diagnose it, and only then can you work on a cure.

Please Lord, Won’t you Buy me a Mercedes-BenzHere’s an amusing example of misunderstanding the powers of thought projection and prayer. I

once stopped to help some women broken down on a highway. They were chanting. I asked if I could callsomeone for them, drop them at the next exit, or send someone from a garage back to help them. Theysaid something to the effect of, “No. We’re chanting for help, and it should come soon.” - that was denialthinking at one of its wackiest moments.

Negative Projecting Babies Under My Sink!If you really agreed with the premise of denial thinking, it would be ok to leave poisonous items

accessible to an unsupervised baby. If their claim about “only getting sick if you believe you can, are, orhave ‘projected it’” were true, it would be ok. If their claim that nothing bad will happen if you don’t thinkit, or think it can, thereby giving energy to it, it would also be ok. If any of that were true, then a baby couldget under the kitchen sink without your knowledge, eat some poison, and not get sick, right? After all, thebaby doesn’t have any pre-conceived negative ideas or negative thoughts about it. And if you don’t find thebaby doing that, and don’t put your own negative thoughts onto it, it should be fine, right? Wrong. Thefact is, if baby eats poison, baby gets sick, whether it knows it or not, or you know it or not. And a babycouldn’t be “attracting it” to itself because it has no pre-knowledge of such things. Please don’t get mewrong, I am actually a proponent of just how amazingly powerful the mind is, and how much it can helpheal, and keep you healthy. It just must be kept in perspective, and reality, and not be used as an excuse forbeing selfish, uncaring, and supporting denial. Even the greatest powers of the mind, all have theirlimitations here on the planet Earth. When you return to a spiritual state of being rather than a physicalbody - then it’s a different story. But we’re talking about the physical world, living in physical bodies, andhow to make that be the best it can be - for real.

Public Awareness with Positive Golden Rule Thinking

“Tell me how much you know of the sufferings of your fellow men and I will tell how much youhave loved them.”- Helmut Thielickes

Below are a few other related examples of positive Golden Rule thinking, some on a grander scalethan what we’ve been talking about so far.

Remember the whale used for the movie “Free Willy”? If everyone had the attitude of “I stay awayfrom ‘bad’ news”, they would have remained unconcerned and in denial of the whale’s dilemma, andnothing would have ever been done about it. But thanks to people who do care, who are willing to hearabout “bad” things happening in the world, the whale was saved. Even people who normally would’veignored news about it, may have gotten exposed to the information, and been moved to feel and dosomething. Through the movie, awareness of the problem was brought to people’s minds, and concern totheir hearts. People felt hurt, felt pain for that whale. A sentiment was created which led to a movement toset the whale free. And eventually that freedom came to pass. If people took the denial thinking approach,the whale would still be captive, living in a swimming pool.

Dolphins are another example. If no one was aware of or “gave energy to” the predicament ofdolphins, or if no one cared about them, they would be in a far worse situation than they are now. It’s stillbad, but at least there are more “free dolphin encounters” and less captive slave dolphin situations. Andefforts to save dolphins from the killing that takes place during certain types of tuna fishing, are paying offto an extent. Now you can buy “dolphin safe tuna”.

On the human front, while the world has very serious problems, people still come to the aid ofothers in need all around the world - IF they are aware of their plight. Help will never come if everyone is indenial and refusing to recognize the problems. But even with the awareness, help can’t come, if peopledon’t feel for others.

Hardcore denial thinkers don’t want to be aware of problems, or feel anything about it. They justwant to ignore “bad” things, ignore information about the “negative” problems of others in the world, andjust think nice thoughts of “everything is just dandy”. Some denial thinkers rationalize it by saying people

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are in their bad situations because they are choosing to suffer to learn something. Even so, if they aresuffering, they are suffering, and how can you not feel for them if you are a caring person? And they mayreally need someone who cares and feels compassionate pain about their dilemma. Feeling pain overothers’ suffering has a real and positive purpose. In all the examples I gave of people coming to the aid ofothers, or creatures (like whales), feeling some of their pain through compassion was a component. All that“real life” improvement didn’t happen through ignoring a problem and not giving it energy. Just theopposite.

But even awareness, concern and caring without feeling pain, can still create positive changes.Take Organic food for instance. Whether you think it matters or not, I don’t think anyone is “against”organic food. And if nothing else, it does seem to be a more renewable “nature-friendly” form of farming.Cost seems to be the only real objection. But look at how things developed with it. First, public awarenessof possible health risks and soil erosion were brought to the public’s attention. Then there was concern,then there was action - now organic food is widely sold even in supermarket chains. Food health risks are another example. If there is an outbreak of salmonella in eggs or e-coli inmeat, is it better to not hear about it, ignore it, not give it energy? Why? People won’t get sick then? Youwon’t get sick??? Prove it. You can’t. But it has been proven that if people are made aware of a healthrisk, they can avoid it. And if they have been contaminated, the sooner they know about it, action can betaken. Use of the mind, certain supplements, and scientifically proven “laying on of hands” techniques canbe used to improve the health of someone thusly contaminated. But the sooner we know about thecontamination, the better the chances of recovery, and the milder the symptoms - because you can starttaking action sooner. Remain unaware, or deliberately ignorant, and the results are far worse. That’s afact.

We could go on and on with examples of how recognizing and feeling for the hurt and problems ofothers is the only way to make things better. But we’re running out of time and paper.

In all the above incidences, the concern of many people as a whole (in other words, all of us whorecognized the problems, felt compassion for others, felt hurt about it, and cared about it), contributedtowards effecting a positive change. What a wonderful thing. Even though we may not have all personally,directly, done anything for the whale, the dolphins, the flood victims, the food, whatever - our caringcreated a force, and support for all those involved in the changes. Those who “didn’t want to hear the newsabout it.”, and “didn’t want to give ‘the negative’ any energy”, not only didn’t help, but they were part ofthe problem in the first place, and keep contributing towards the continuation of such problems.

Using “Golden Rule Positive Thinking”.So how can we use our thoughts best? I already gave some good examples above. But as an

overview, if your goal is to live by the Golden Rule (be unselfishly loving towards others) use your positivethoughts, energy and actions to become that. Your thoughts build who and what you are, and your entirelife. Please take that very seriously. It’s not just a concept or cute phrase, it is very real. Everything aboutyour life, your lifestyle, your work, your house, your family, etc., all came about after first being nothing buta thought. Then a succession of many thoughts, with a certain “direction” of thinking, brought them aboutas realities in your life. The consistency of such thoughts is a vital key to consciously changing your life.

You can use your thoughts to decide what you want; to think about solutions and improvements; todiscipline your mind; to create prayers/affirmations to help change consciously and subconsciously; and tocare about and help others. You can also use them in group work to help others help you change tobecome unselfishly loving. Help others help you change? We’ll talk about it more later, but yes, YOU CANONLY CHANGE YOU.

One more thing while we’re on this subject of using your thoughts. A very, very important thing.We should always try to “insure” that our efforts for helping others, will be properly directed. I believe thatwhat we wish for should succeed or fail according to the needs of the Universal Spirit/God, not our owndesires or what we think is best. If you are Christian, you might know the story of Jesus in the Garden.The night before being arrested, he prayed to not have to go through the torture and crucifixion he wasfacing. He prayed, “take this cup from me”, but even in His anguish, He still had the wisdom to finish with,“But Your will be done, not mine.”. He knew the vital importance of this. If you want to take it asseriously, the best insurance is always use this (or a similar) prayer/affirmation, “But God’s Will Be Done-not mine”. Say or think that, sincerely, whenever you hope, pray, wish for something, or try to helpanother.

We need such safeguards because we can’t fully understand the ramifications of everything from ourlimited points of view. For instance, what if you were a person who saved a mass murderer from being hitby a car when he was a child. Then they went on to start a war and killed millions of innocent people.Good, or bad? It gets very complicated when you think about all the possible ramifications of our actions.

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But one of the aspects of becoming unselfishly loving, is that your guidance and actions will come more andmore from the Universal Spirit, via your spiritual-side self rather than your selfish-side self. If you still don’tunderstand why you should use “insurance affirmations”, refer to the story of the Monkey’s Paw. It showshow things can go terribly wrong when you get what you ask for, even when you have the best intentions.

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Part TwoTools and Tips for Applying the Golden Rule

Chapter Seven

Getting to Know You

What you Want, Who You Are, and Who You Are Becoming -The Golden Rule Workbook Personal Declarations Section

“Put it in writing” is the common adage for anyone who is serious about making a commitment.People do it all the time when they make a commitment for a car, an apartment, a job, and many otherthings in life. Are your personal commitments to yourself less important, or even more important?

The back of this book is designed for you to put the things that are important to your personal orspiritual goals in writing. It’s like your personal Declaration of Independence and Constitution. It has formsyou can fill out to make your own written declarations and contracts about your ideals, goals, andcommitments to yourself and others. Label it with your name. Sign it. Give it your John Hancock. It willbecome your “representative” and a “symbol” of you and what you believe in and want. You will refer to itoften to remind yourself of what you want, what you need to work on, and to reaffirm your commitments tothose things. If you work with others of like-mind who are also trying to apply the Golden Rule in theirlives, you will also sometimes exchange workbooks to show them your ideals and commitments - not justwith “lip service”, but with your very tangible and “grounded” personal declarations.

Your personal declarations section, along with keeping written journals of your daily experiences(both waking and dreaming) are effective “tools” you can use for personal development and growth through“knowing yourself”, and clearly stating your intentions and commitments.

If your book didn’t already come with one, get a book divider tab (available at any office supply) andattach it to the beginning (page 60) of your Personal Declarations section.

JournalsYou’ll want to keep two journals, one to record your dreams, and another to record your daily

activities, like a diary. Both journals will help you apply the Golden Rule in your life.

Making and using a Dream Journal

During sleep, dreams can tell us many things. Sometimes they mean nothing, but theyoften reflect issues that are ongoing in our lives, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Dreams can also beused for problem solving, and playing out optional decisions. The trick is to learn to take advantage of thisstate, and the information it provides.

Many dreams are a “preview” of experiences to be dealt with, or of presently existing circumstancesthat should be seen as lessons and a means of growth. These dreams are important, and should be dealtwith accordingly. However, not all dreams are of that type.

Physical illness or disturbances, or mental disturbances in either the conscious or sub-consciousrealms, can affect or even create and dominate dream experiences. These are the only dreams that shouldbe ignored.

Unfortunately, many people are not aware of their dream experiences. And even if they were, theywouldn’t know where to begin to interpret them. Thus the great benefits from dreams are lost. We canturn this around however, and use our dreams to help us. How?

Getting full benefits from dreams can be facilitated in several ways:

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1- Extending the waking consciousness into the dream. This is accomplished throughbecoming aware that you are active and functional in a dream while dreaming. You may use a key symbolto trigger recognition of awareness within a dream. For example, if you can remember to look at yourhands in a dream, it can trigger conscious dreaming. A light could also be used as a “trigger symbol”.

Being in a conscious dream state allows you to control the dream. This allows you to create“simulated” reality situations in which you can work through problems, try various solutions, and developand create most anything you can think of. Just think of the possibilities!

If you’re really having trouble getting the hang of conscious dreaming, and you can afford thetechnology, in the back of the book you’ll find a special hi-tech sleep mask that actually senses when youstart dreaming, and then briefly flashes a light to key you into a conscious (lucid) dream state. Pretty nifty.

2- Extending a dream into waking consciousness. This method (which also aids in thedevelopment of the first method) is done by recording your dreams every morning. Keep a pen andnotebook near your bed, and as soon as you begin to leave your dream state and enter the “waking” state,write down whatever you can remember of the dream, even if it is only a fragment, a word, or a feeling.Don’t wait until you’re awake - do it when you first notice you are leaving the dream state. The moreyou do this, the easier it will become to remember your dreams, and remember them fully. Before youknow it you will be filling pages at a time.

If you think you don’t dream, think again. Everyone dreams. Some people just don’t remember it.If you have that problem, or any difficulty remembering your dreams, it could be from shifting from thedream state to the waking state too quickly. Try to linger in sleep, rather than rapidly becoming consciousand active. A “jarring” alarm or other way of waking up, can be the problem sometimes. There is a specialclock that uses a single mild chime to initially “rouse” the sleeper, and allows for the gradual transition fromdream to being awake. Don’t worry, it won’t let you miss work - if you don’t respond to the chime, it doesit again, and over time, eventually it will do it every few seconds if you haven’t turned it off. Such clocksare wonderful and powerful tools for growth via dreamwork. See the back of the book for sources of whereto get “non-jarring” “dream-friendly” alarm clocks that can help you remember your dreams, or linger in alucid state.

3- Daily reviewing of your dreams. The old testament has a story about Joseph, and how hisremarkable ability to interpret dreams, saved his family and people. But few people have the capability toaccurately and fully interpret the dreams of others. One reason is because dream symbology varies amongindividuals. People need to discover their own symbology, and interpret their own dreams.

The best way to understand the meaning of your dreams is to take in the whole picture intuitively.Don’t rack your mind trying to figure out details and such. The meaning of your dreams will become moreclear to you as you study them. With time, experience, and openness, what you need to know will berevealed to you.

4- The following affirmation aids all the previously mentioned methods; “I remember my dreamsand am conscious of them while dreaming.” This can be used by repeating it silently to yourself as you aregoing to sleep.

Remember to keep in mind all the different causes that can manifest in a dream so you won’t betrying to read-in something profound when it is nothing but an upset stomach predominating theexperience!

Making and Using a Personal Journal

Every night, write down what your day’s activities were (if you haven’t already been doing itthroughout the day. After you’re done, close your eyes, go back and “review” the experiences you hadduring the day. Do you find any negative experiences? Did you apply the Golden Rule? Did you becomenegative, upset, about something? Make any mistakes? Were you unselfishly loving?

Go back again to the beginning of the day and re-experience it with your imagination, but this timechange it around. Visualize negative experiences as occurring positively. See things you negatively reactedto as lessons, and visualize yourself reacting in a positive, constructive, unselfishly loving manner instead.Where you made mistakes, visualize yourself making the proper decisions. Follow your new positiveexperiences and decisions through to their imaginary positive results.

Doing this exercise will help you break out of negative patterns and create new positive patterns.After a month has passed, begin comparing your past activities and experiences with your current

ones. Get out the paper you wrote your ideal on (covered later) and compare it with these to see how you

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are doing with living up to your ideal. Also look at your dream journal, and see if there is any relationship toyour past dreams, and your present life.

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Chapter Eight

Changing Yourself

You’ll notice the headline doesn’t say “Changing others”, “Changing your husband/wife”, or such.It says “Changing Yourself”. There is a very good reason for that. The first thing you need to realize andremember is that you can only change yourself. That concept is very important for you to “get”. So we’llsay it again and again throughout the book. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. No one else.

Because most everyone has selfishness, everyone has the tendency to think they are right all thetime, which naturally means other people are usually wrong all the time. Be honest with yourself now - youprobably feel that way too. So when problems come up, rather than looking for our own responsibility andwhat we can change about ourselves, we usually automatically point the finger of fault at others, expectingthem to change, or expecting them to be different. That is often used as a diversion and rationalization tonot see and deal with one’s own issues when an argument arises, and someone points out a valid issueabout the other person’s behavior. The selfish-side of one’s self, doesn’t want to take responsibility, andwhen it knows no one else is perfect either, it has the ultimate “scape-goat” - just point the finger, turn thetables, and blame others.

“It’s Not My Fault”(Famous quote from San Andreas)

There is an old saying, “There are two sides to every story”. While indeed others may be to blame,in most cases, both parties in a dispute are each partly to blame. There is an old book, which (I think) wastitled “I’m OK, you’re OK”. But the selfish-side self always wants it to be “I’m OK, you’re Not”.

Regardless of who is to blame for what, when you get into a disagreement or argument that“pushes your buttons”, who can you change? The other person? Who can they change - you? YOU CANONLY CHANGE YOURSELF.

By changing yourself, you will become an example for others. Becoming a positive example, andthus behaving differently, will have an affect on others, and you will be giving them an opportunity tochange. But that’s the most you can really do. Again, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF.

In the Personal Declarations section, on page 73, you’ll find written in huge letters, your firstdeclaration “I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF”. It’s in that section so you can remind yourself of itfrequently. Go to that page now, and if you understand it and agree with it, sign it at the bottom. Then goget a few full-sized sheets of paper (you’ll use them later), and on one of them write the same statement invery large letters. It would be a good idea to put it somewhere that you’ll see it frequently.

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Chapter Nine

Wanting & Taking Criticism -The Golden Key to Applying the Golden Rule

While the Golden Rule is the “Big Key” to all of Life’s Problems, wanting criticism, and how youtake criticism, are the “Big Keys” to personal growth and applying the Golden Rule in your life. Theamount of progress you make, is in direct proportion to your amount of humility, and your desire to usecriticism to improve yourself.

DefensivenessEveryone is familiar with a person getting “defensive” when something is brought up to them that

they don’t want to deal with. It’s usually something that threatens the selfish-side self, relating to a desire orfear. Bringing up any issue that creates pressure to release either a “block” (fear side), or an “addiction”(desire side), usually results in defensiveness. The most common “trigger” for defensiveness, is criticism.

Defensiveness is a deeply ingrained automatic reaction within everyone, yes, even you. Why? Ifyou want to understand it better, start by asking yourself what is actually being defended? What’s reallybeing defended is sometimes called “ego”. But essentially, it’s the selfish-side self. And it’s protecting(defending) its “turf” and control. It isn’t so obvious though, because usually, side-issues are being defended.But nonetheless, those side issues tie directly into the entire selfish-side self. The issues represent the selfish-side.

If you understand that, and if you are wanting to grow and apply the Golden Rule in your life, thenwhat is there to defend really? If selfishness and ego are your enemy, do you want to defend the very thingyou are working against? Obviously not. But again, this is a DEEPLY INGRAINED AUTOMATICREACTION, and it takes constant vigilance and very hard work to counteract that. When you havemastered control over this reaction, you will be able to take advantage of tremendous opportunities forgrowth.

How can we change this reaction? There are several ways. First, the opposite of being defensive,is being humble, honest and receptive to input involving your ego or selfish-side self. When you aresincerely desirous of learning about your flaws and changing, you will want the criticism of others to helpyou change. And it shouldn’t matter to you whether that criticism is given in the spirit of being helpful, orspiteful. If you have the right attitude, all criticism can be “constructive criticism”. It there’s truth insomeone’s criticism, you can use it, if there isn’t, you can toss it.

If you want to grow, if you really want to apply the Golden Rule in your life, you will be receptive toall criticism. In fact, you will be more than receptive, you will be “thirsty” for it. That thirst is a must. Thathumility is a boon. A person with a lot of humility learns and grows many times faster than a person withlittle humility. And if you completely lack humility, you aren’t going anywhere, or should I say, you are“growing nowhere”.

Even if you are thirsty for critical input, it can still be challenging when it actually occurs. As youread this, you may be thinking, “Yes, that sounds great, I do want to change and I’m open to input andcriticism.” That’s a good start. But then you need to get down to work, and remember your desire tochange when you begin to hear things that you don’t like hearing about yourself, things that are “less thanflattering” to say the least. I.e., things that “bug your ego”. If that happens, you aren’t likely to feel“peaceful and happy”. It will happen. Plan on it, and be ready for it. With love and humility (that burningdesire to face your flaws and change), you can deal with it.

The important part is how you handle it when it does occur. When you’re hearing something thatyou don’t want to deal with, or your self instantly throws up, “Nuh Uh, that’s not true!”, or some otherdefensive response, here’s what you can do. Stop yourself, take a breath and call to mind your ideal/goal(covered later). This is really important, because it is your dedication to your ideal that will help motivateyou to rise up above that automatic defensive response. Then read your Personal Declaration section, andask yourself, “What do I really want?”, “What am I doing here?” Hopefully, your answer is, “I want to seeall of my flaws and the truth so I can grow as a person.” Then, examine the criticism/input you arereceiving in an objective, detached way. And with a priority desire for the truth, examine what they aretelling you. Be truthful. Be honest. It’s OK - you can face it and change it. Acknowledging aflaw/mistake doesn’t doom you or damn you. It’s the first step in transcending it.

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Sometimes it helps to imagine that they are bringing it up to some other person and you are just anobserver. Looking at it as just an uninvolved third party observer, is there truth to what is being said?

If you know there is truth to it, acknowledge it. Then think about what the opposite trait would be.If someone is saying you are driving recklessly (and it’s true, or maybe only true that you are not driving ascarefully as you should), then the opposite trait would be driving carefully. So to change that and strengthenthe positive, do the following:1 - Change the way you are driving immediately.2 - Thank the person who brought it up to you. They’ve done you a favor.3 - Apologize if appropriate.4 - Say an “affirmation” (see other chapter) like, “I always drive carefully”.Also, take a moment as you visualize yourself having the positive trait involved, and feel grateful for theopportunity for growth.

Unfortunately, it’s a rare thing for someone to really be grateful when someone criticizes them orpoints a flaw out. But it really is a blessing in disguise, so - feel blessed!

To be forewarned is to be forearmed, so being aware of some standard defensive “scripts” that theselfish-side uses, can be very helpful. Here are some of the top rated “oldies” that I’ve heard down throughthe years:1 - “You’re just being “negative”, and that’s the real reason why you’re saying this about me.”2 - “Well, you do that too, so you don’t have the right to say anything to me about it.”3 - “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”4 - “Why do you always have to nit-pick?”

If you hear any of these running through your mind, or any variations on them, take a step backand really look for the truth. Also notice how you are feeling. Are you feeling uptight? Or angry? Are youunhappy? If you are feeling disharmonious emotions, you have a problem regardless of the validity of whatis being brought up to you. The person who is speaking to you may actually be feeling negative, or makinga big deal out of something, or doing the very thing they are confronting you with, but still, the PRIMARYAND PRIORITY issue at hand is- is there something you can learn from what they are saying to you aboutyourself? Focusing on the problems of the other person is a standard selfish-side maneuver to avoidaddressing what’s being said about you. It’s about you first of all. You are the person you are responsiblefor changing - no one else. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. Never let yourself avoid dealing withsomething by turning the tables on your critic (that can be dealt with later). Save yourself and your friendthe hassle of going through all that and just be humble enough to look for and recognize the truth,whatever it may be.

It just isn’t a valid argument to say, “You’re not perfect yourself, so I don’t want to hear anycriticism from you.”. If a drunk warns you about the dangers of drinking too much, is his advice badbecause he’s sick and addicted to alcohol himself, or is his advice still good advice?” So start by dealing withyour self. Then, after having dealt with your issue positively, if there is a problem with the other person,you can help them with that. But only after you have honestly dealt with your own issue. Note how I said“help” them with it. Too often, it is seen as busting someone, getting on their case, getting back at them,etc. But if you love them, and want to help them grow, and you have an agreement to point things out,then you are helping them on their road to oneness. That is the spirit that you should always say thingswith.

“He has the right to criticize, who has the heart to help.”- Abe Lincoln

In your Personal Declarations section, you’ll find several more declarations in large letters. On page70, you’ll find, I WANT MY “EGO BUSTED” AND I WANT CRITICISM. On page 69 you’ll find, WHATAM I DOING HERE? And on page 68, you’ll find, I WANT TO SEE ALL MY FLAWS AND THE TRUTHSO I CAN GROW AS A PERSON. Go to those pages now, and if you understand and agree with them,sign at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on a wall, write the same statement in very large letters onone of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.

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Chapter Ten

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

People ruin so many things, and spend so much time feeling badly, just because they do thingsbegrudgingly rather than positively. Here’s just one example:

If you have a job that you’re unhappy with, and you want to make a positive change, you have twooptions - one is to quit. But if you can’t or won’t quit and do something else, then change your attitude andmake the best of it. Apply the Golden Rule at work. It will make things so much nicer for you, those youwork with, and improve your job performance. You’re doing what you want anyway, so why not “reallywant” to do it?

The same process applies to so many things. Including doing something nice for others, that youdon’t “really want” to do. For instance, if you are going out to dinner with someone, and you end up goingto the restaurant they want to go to instead of the one you want to go to, you can either be “bummed out”the whole time, or “happy” the whole time. All depending on your attitude, you can make a potentially niceevening horrible, or wonderful.

Let’s face it, people generally just do what they want anyway. It might not be what they say theywant, or seem to want, but they are almost always really doing what they want. Even if you are doingsomething you don’t want to do, unless someone is actually forcing you to do it under threat, you havemade the decision to do it - so in essence, you want to do it. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be doing it. Butyou may not FEEL like you want to do it. And if your heart’s not in it, it won’t go as well as if it was. Iffact, you can create all kinds of problems. That’s what we mean by “really wanting” to do something -having your heart in it, desiring to do it, feeling like you want to do it. So a good trait to develop, is beingable to make those things you NEED to do, into something you actually feel like you WANT to do. It’s all inthe attitude you take.

I learned this long ago through doing dishes in the monastery. It was the job that was assigned tome, but I didn’t want to do it. As a result, dishes came out dirty, were broken, and got so backed up thatbreakfast dishes were often not ready for lunch. And I was miserable the whole time on top of it. One day,I changed my attitude. I decided that since I wanted the growth afforded by the monastery, and doing disheswas part of what it took and what I must do, I may as well make the best of it. I turned it into an enjoyabletime of meditation. As soon as I did, I was no longer miserable, and dishes were clean, unbroken, andfinished long before the next meal. In your Personal Declarations section, on page 67, you’ll find another declaration in large letters. IWANT TO DO ANYTHING I NEED TO DO. Go to that page now, and if you understand it and agreewith it, sign it at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on a wall, write the same statement in very largeletters on one of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.

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Chapter Eleven

Communication, Communication, Communication!

Just in case the headline didn’t get the idea across, communication is vital, vital, vital. If you wantgood interactions with others, you must communicate well, and thoroughly. You can’t relate to peopleproperly if you don’t communicate properly. If you want to apply the Golden Rule in your life, then youmust maximize your communication abilities. Lack of communication is also a big destroyer of relationshipsand personal growth.

Lacking in vocabulary and linguistic skills, doesn’t prevent good communication. The major culpritsin poor communication are selfishness, self-consciousness and negative programming.

From early childhood we’re “conditioned” or “programmed” in many ways. Because we’re alldifferent, and we have different experiences, we get bad communication training to various extents. Butmost all of us are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves, to “not make waves”, to not trust one anotherwith our feelings, to “tune out”, etc.. By the time we’re adults, we have all developed an “automaticmode” of expressing ourselves and listening. And it’s usually quite lacking to one degree or another. Ourcommunication skills are set, for better or worse. Usually worse. But we can change it, and it’s up to us toimprove our ability to communicate.

The Two Sides of CommunicationEssentially, communicating well involves both receiving incoming information well, and presenting

your ideas well. It is a “two way street” or “give and take” sort of thing. On the “give” side ofcommunication is expressing. Expressing can take the form of speaking, writing, images, music, bodylanguage, etc.. On the “take” side of communication, is receiving. Receiving can take the form of listening,reading, seeing, and observing (including body language and other non-verbal messages). Both require avariety of abilities and traits to do well, including being caring, open, sensitive, assertive, accurate, andthorough.

We can put an end to being lost in our own separateness, not listening to others, not beingcomfortable saying something we’d like to say, saying something poorly/incorrectly, or misinterpretingwhat we are being told. It’s just a matter of re-focusing our attention on others.

Aspects of the Expression Side of CommunicatingIMMEDIATE POSITIVE EXPRESSION

We are not usually trained to positively and constructively assert ourselves or express needs andideas to each other - quite the opposite. Often, we only express ourselves after a build up of negativity oranger. So start with working on communicating your feelings positively, and as soon as an issue arises.CRYSTAL CLARITY

Make sure what you are trying to convey to someone is extremely clear to them. You may knowwhat you mean by something, but that doesn’t mean they do. So make it clear in terms they willunderstand. Pay attention, see if they are “getting it” and adjust your communication as necessary. Notdoing that is a common source of problems - sometimes serious problems.

When you are thinking or feeling something that you need to share with someone, it’s great todevelop the habit of being very mindful and aware of the words you are going to use, and the feeling thatyou are attaching to those words. Are you really saying what you are thinking and feeling? Are youcommunicating the entire concept? Are you assuming nothing? Are you being really accurate? Whenwatching others attempt to communicate with each other, I have been amazed at how often they say only apart of what they are thinking and feeling, and omit so much of it that the other person misunderstands.LOVE IS A COMMUNICATION BRIDGE

The more love and caring you have, the better you’ll be able to communicate, regardless of yourskill level. So if you want to communicate well, always frequently check yourself to be sure that you’refeeling as much caring and positivity as possible. I’ve seen tremendous communication gaps bridged with agood supply of humility and affection for the other person. In fact, taking it to an extreme, I learned a lotabout crossing communication gaps while living in foreign countries where I didn’t speak the language. Ifyou care about others, it makes all the difference in the world. It can not only bridge language barriers, butalso cultural barriers, prejudices, religious and class barriers, etc.. Love makes a huge difference in reaching

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people, getting them to open up and communicate with you, and getting your meaning, intent and messageacross.MATCHING STYLES

Are the words you are using the best choice for the person that you are speaking to? If you watchfor it, you’ll notice that each person has their own style of speaking. Mannerisms, intensity, brashness, andmore, all vary between people and local cultures. Even vocabularies and slang vary.

For instance, having a waiter say “sit down” in an abrupt manner and tone, might be consideredrude compared to someone nicely saying “please have a seat”. And it might be rude or insulting dependingon the situation. But if you were dealing with person who’s cultural norm is to speak that way, it’s not rude.In fact, if you were “nicer” than their cultural norm, it could lead them to distrust you, or in some situations,to consider you weak and someone to be taken advantage of. So one good skill to develop is being able tospeak with the style and feeling or “type of language” of the person you want to communicate with. Themore similarly you can structure your thoughts and words to their style, the better the odds are that theywill get the meaning of your message correctly, and you’ll get theirs.

Be aware of whether or not the other person actually understood what you meant to say. Thereare many verbal AND non-verbal “signals” that “tell” you what someone means to say, and that give cluesas to whether or not the other person gets what you are saying. Just get “out of your self” and payattention - you’ll see the signs. If your attention is more on yourself, you’ll miss them.

SUMMARY OF IMPORTANT POINTS ON EXPRESSION

1. Don’t let things build up before you say something.2. Be crystal clear and accurate about what you are saying.3. Communicate with Love.4. Shape your style of language to your audience.5. Focus on the other person and whether or not they understood you.

Aspects of the Receptive Side of CommunicatingHEARING BUT NOT LISTENING

On the other side of the coin, most of us were never trained to really listen. In fact, school trainingoften creates a syndrome in which we “glaze over” and block out things that are being said (again, to variousdegrees). This is the result of both boring presentations, and attempts at being forced to learn.

The problem is further worsened by selfishness/self-centeredness. We don’t pay much attention toothers when our attention is focused on our selves. In fact, because of our self-oriented focus, it has nevereven occurred to most of us that we lack the ability to listen, comprehend, and absorb what someone elsehas to say. It’s not considered as important as telling other people what you want them to hear. You’veprobably heard of sales courses, speaking courses, assertiveness courses, etc., but how often to you hear ofclasses on being a better listener? The problem reminds me of the story about a man who’s girlfriend tellshim she is leaving him because he doesn’t listen to her. When another friend asked about why she left, theman says, “I’m not sure, something about not listening, but I wasn’t really paying attention...”. The fact is,many of us don’t really care what someone else has to say. Which is where the Golden Rule comes in - ifwe care, that can all change.PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS BEING SAID, INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY

If you want to really listen, watch out for paying too much attention to your own reactions anddesires. Many people don’t “hear” because they are too busy thinking about what they want to say next.Like the old saying goes, “Stop. Look. Listen.”BECOME A FAIR WITNESS OBSERVER

You can learn much by becoming an “observer” - always paying attention to how otherscommunicate. Listen for the feeling and both the surface meaning and the deeper meanings of what peopleare saying. You can learn a lot about communicating by doing this.STILL THE MIND

Meditating can help make you a better listener. As you meditate, your ability to still your mind isenhanced, which helps you listen because the chatter of your own mind is reduced. Who can really hearwhat’s going on “out there” when there’s such a deafening din going on in your own mind? It reminds meof the old saying that we are created with two eyes, two ears and just one mouth. That’s a four to one ratio.Maybe someone was trying to tell us something!REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY

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Caring about what someone has to say makes you a better listener, and makes others morereceptive to you. It also makes you more interesting to them. They will feel your genuine interest in whatthey think and feel (which sadly, is rare) and they in turn will be more likely to be open hearted with you too,and listen to what you have to say.

SUMMARY OF IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF LISTENING.1. Pay attention to what is being said, not what you want to say.2. Be sensitive to the feelings behind the words you are hearing.3. Still your mind as you listen.4. Really care about what they are feeling and thinking.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Communication is obviously also vital in spousal relationships, but we’ll cover that in the sectionabout applying the Golden Rule in family/spousal relationships.

In your Personal Declarations section, on page 66, you’ll find another declaration in large letters.COMMUNICATE! ARE YOU CLEARLY EXPRESSING YOURSELF? ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING?Go to that page now, and if you understand it and agree with it, sign it at the bottom. Then if you want toput it on a wall, write the same statement in very large letters on one of the blank pieces of paper you gotout earlier.

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Chapter Twelve

Seeing From Someone Else’s Point of View

We’ve all heard phrases like, ‘From where I sit ....’, or ‘Walk a mile in my shoes...’, etc.. These areall common references to the significance of having separate and different points of view. Understanding thelimits of your own point of view, and really understanding someone else’s point of view, is necessary forapplying the Golden Rule and communicating well.

A person’s ‘point of view’ can mean two things: 1) It can mean what it literally says - the ‘point’from which a person ‘sees’ things. 2) It can mean a person’s opinion. A person’s opinion is based on acombination of #1, and the person’s programmed beliefs.

Let’s first look closer at #1, the ‘point’ aspect.Most individuals have a limited point of view dictated by the very fact that they are separate

individuals. They are each seeing things from a different place, a different point, literally. And they seeonly from their separate individual ‘place’. There are as many ‘places’ that a person will see from as thereare persons. And the trouble is, seeing from only one ‘place’ doesn’t allow seeing a ‘whole picture’, or a‘big picture’.

The Metaphorical WomanHere’s an allegory that will help illustrate the point. Let’s say you and a friend are in a supermarket

together, but shopping separately. You are coming out of isle 1, your friend out of isle 3. At the sametime, there is a woman walking out of isle 2, right between the two of you. Later, you both discuss her.

“Did you see that woman coming out of isle 2?”“Yes, the poor thing.”“What do you mean ‘the poor thing’? She is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I’ll

bet she is a model.”“What are you talking about??? She was terribly scarred. She must have been in a fire.”

This unbelievable misconception and miscommunication is due to just one simple thing - different“points of view”. The fact is that the woman was simply scarred on one side of her face. One person’spoint of view is from the scarred side, and the other person’s is from the side without scarring. As a result,they each made a judgment, and formed ‘clear’, solid beliefs about the woman’s appearance. Because oftheir limited viewpoints, they are each left with totally different beliefs about her. And each person’s beliefopposes and contradicts the other’s. One believes she looks like a model on both sides of her face, and theother believes she is totally scarred on both sides of her face. They are both right, from their limited pointof view. Yet if they could see the woman from the front (getting a broader point of view) they would seethat they are both wrong. Actually, they are both totally right and both totally wrong. How can they bothbe right, when each viewpoint would seem to make the other wrong, or impossible to be true? And how canthey both be wrong, when they are obviously both right from their point of view? The fact is that when yousimultaneously grasp the two contradictory, yet true, beliefs, you actually have the greater truth. Thispredicament of having two truths, each of which seem to make it impossible for the other to be true, is acrude sort of paradox. And a paradox is the closest thing you can get to real truth, or whole truth. Thisexample shows us how we can see the whole truth if we get above and beyond each individual’s point ofview. Only then can we see the ‘whole’ picture.”

Without that bigger picture, there can be further ramifications based on the inaccuracy of the limitedviewpoints. For instance, one person might give the woman a card for a good model agent they know,while the other might give her a number for a good plastic surgeon they know.

From a broader point of view, we can see that perhaps the woman could still be a model, but wouldrequire plastic surgery.

Sometimes the ramifications of judging things based on a limited point of view can be far moreserious though.

Note: I dislike using the above example in the sense that I think appearances are not important -what counts is whether someone is a good person or not. Appearance especially shouldn’t have suchimportance placed on it to where people would even be inclined to discuss it (as in the above example). ButI use it anyway because it is easy to understand, and gets the point about “points of view” across very well.

GREATER POINTS OF VIEW

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The above allegory demonstrates in a small way, how having a point of view that is as broad aspossible allows us to better perceive reality, and to see more truth. A broad point of view can help us betterunderstand others, better understand the world, and ultimately the entire Universe around us. If our point ofview is broad enough, it lets us better understand other points of view - then we can more easilycommunicate or interact with others, and they can more easily communicate with us. For instance, thepoint of view of each individual reading any book, is going to be different, thus they will perceive it manydifferent ways, thus it will be perceived differently than it really is, and differently than it was intended to beperceived. The broader the reader’s point of view, the more they will perceive what is really written (withinlimits).

Practicing the Golden Rule, and developing unselfish love will expand your point of view. But italso works the other way around. The more you develop a broad point of view, the more you’ll be applyingthe Golden Rule. And the more open you are to understanding someone else’s point of view, the moreyou’re going to be bridging the gaps that separate us.

In your Personal Declarations section, on page 65, you’ll find another declaration in large letters. IWANT TO SEE THE POINT OF VIEW OF OTHERS. I WANT TO SEE THE BIG PICTURE. Go to thatpage now, and if you understand it and agree with it, sign it at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on awall, write the same statement in very large letters on one of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.

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Chapter Thirteen

Selfish AddictionsDeciding what You Want

Commitment and Determination

“The simplest and shortest ethical precept is to be served by others as little as possible, and to serve othersas much as possible.”- Leo Tolstoy

The Worst Addiction Problem in the WorldMany substance abusers are trying to avoid aspects of their life that they find unpleasant. It

can just be a diversion away from being miserable, bored or that emptiness inside that comes from living afruitless selfish life, rather than a fruitful giving one. Also, people have often turned to drinking or otherdrugs, after losing someone in their life, losing a job, a business, etc.. But there is a “root” addiction behindall of that which is far worse than you can imagine - and everyone has it.

Earlier we mentioned how selfishness is the real source of all negative traits, such as greed.Selfishness is also the real source and cause of all addictions. But I’m not just talking about theaddictions that usually come to mind when you use the word - like drugs, gambling, sex, etc..

What Addictions?What is the selfish-side of yourself addicted to? Many things. It varies from person to person, but it

often includes getting attention, pleasure, possessions (including people), certain diversions and “fun” that itlikes, cars, homes, money, etc.. But those are all just branches again, branches of getting its way (whichamounts to getting its drug “fix”). It basically wants everything it wants, and it wants everything its way. It’saddicted to THAT. You can define it further of course. It is specifically addicted not only to things youdesire and want to possess, but it involves the “flip side” of that (those things you fear, don’t want to face,don’t want to let go of, or deal with). Everything you want, or want to avoid, are all aspects of the same“selfish-side addiction”. Whatever the selfish-side wants, it wants, whatever it doesn’t want, it doesn’t want.

You should always keep in mind that there is a primary purpose behind all of the selfish-side self’saddictions - staying in control of you, and maintaining the illusion of being a separate entity. So to theselfish self, maintaining its addictions means nothing less than “staying alive”, even though it is just aninsane confused illusion. But to it, it is fighting for its life, and if you are trying to put your “spiritual-sideself” in control, you need to be aware of how serious a battle this is.

Realizing that Your “selfish-side self” is an AddictAre you ready for the staggering truth? Selfishness is, in and of itself, the biggest single “addiction”

in the world. And as shocking as it may be, everyone has that addiction, including you. Anytime you getthe least bit unhappy, irritated, negative, etc., just because you don’t get what you want or you must face/dosomething you don’t want to deal with, it is the result of that selfishness addiction. And this addiction isn’tjust an “escape” into a drug stupor. Selfish-side addiction can cause anything from the destruction of arelationship, to a war!

It’s easiest to observe the manifestations of selfish addiction in children, because they are lesscomplex and not yet sophisticated in the ways of cloaking their addiction. How many times have you seena child get upset because of not getting what they want, or having to do something they don’t want to do.Have you ever seen them get so angry over this, that they will deliberately break a toy, ruin a good time, ortry to hurt someone else in some way? This doesn’t go away with maturity, it merely gets more complicatedand disguised with a myriad of games - and the actions get far more serious.

Let it Be?Why not just pacify the selfish-side? Let it be an “addict”? Why not let it continue to have what it

wants, and avoid what it doesn’t want to deal with? There are a number of reasons not to do that, andreasons why it doesn’t work. Have you ever seen the results of pacifying the negative behavior of a child. Itreinforces the bad behavior, makes it worse, and it comes back with a vengeance.

Selfish-side addiction is never satisfied. It will never be happy just giving it what it wants. It alwayswants more. Again, if you’ve had children, you can see it easily in their behavior. So you will never behappy as long as it is in control of your life.

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Next, selfishness is the source of negativity. It’s “anti” Golden Rule. For instance, when thingsdon’t go the way someone wants them to, and they get “upset and negative” what happens? Unselfish loveflies out the window, and negative selfish traits fly in. They start behaving in ways that are unkind,unloving, and can be mean, greedy, harmful, etc.. They end up miserable, and those they deal with are hurttoo. Not a good bargain as I see it.

To give another subtle example of this sort of thing, imagine that someone is tapping a pencil on atable. You find it annoying. Inside, you get perturbed, and that negative emotion replaces feelings of caringfor or about that person. Put it into perspective - what is the most important issue in that scenario, that theperson is doing something annoying, or that you are losing your unselfish love to some degree?

That is an example of a subtle, minor incident, which there are many of. But there are bigger onestoo. Like your son denting your car. Or a robbery. Or... But if you think about it all the way through, isthere any reason good enough to stop unselfishly loving? Not in our opinion. Why? In all circumstances,regardless of how atrocious something is, losing your unselfish love only makes things worse. It nevermakes it better. Whereas, maintaining your unselfish love at least affords opportunities for things to gobetter. You can still take disciplinary action and be unselfishly loving. But if you take action while feeling orthinking negatively, it will have some measure of destructive consequences.

Working on living by the Golden Rule requires taking up that challenge of breaking the “selfishnessaddiction”. A person can’t be unselfishly loving, and selfish at the same time.

Therapy - Treating Yourself for Selfish AddictionsI don’t know how many of you are familiar with that old children’s story of “The Little Train that

Could”, but it’s a great example of determination and commitment. The train would say “I think I can Ithink I can” as it labored up an incredibly difficult hill. And it finally made it. The point is, YOUCANCHANGE yourself. All it primarily takes is REALLY WANTING to. Most people don’t really “get” that,(even though they may think they do). Once you decide what it is you want in life, and how you want to be,you can start taking the measures to change yourself, step-by-step - and no one can stop you but you. Andtherein lies the first key, DECIDING. DECIDING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT.

Deciding What You Really WantStart by thinking about and defining what kind of world you want to live in. Then think about how

you want to be. Those two things are inseparable. How you are, will eventually determine the kind ofworld you live in. Once you ponder all that, you must make a firm decision, and commitment to making ithappen, or you’ll just be living like a jellyfish in the tides.

Behaving like a Recovering AddictRecovering drug addicts, and other kinds of addicts, understand how valuable deciding what they

really want to be like is, and how it can determine what kind of personal world they end up living in. Theyalso know the value of determination and commitment. It can be very hard to break free from an addiction.But those who are “on the wagon” have learned that first wanting to break the addiction, then making anabsolute decision to do it, and then having absolute determination and commitment to change, are thebig keys in accomplishing a change. In fact, how hard it is to break the addiction, is tied to the real desireand “wanting” to change. I’ve seen many people “try” to quit smoking, who didn’t really want to. Theyusually fail. But people who really decide inside themselves, that they want to quit, usually quit.

Seeing the Selfish-Side Self as an AddictSeeing the selfish-side of your self as an addict, can actually help you deal with it. Just treat your

own selfish self like it was a drug addict. You can even learn things about this from various “12 stepprograms”. You first have to see and admit that you have a problem. Then you have to want to break theaddiction and change, and really decide to change. Next, define the problem, and come up with a strategyto take control and beat it. The strategy can include being open and honest with others about yourproblem, getting a support group, and asking for help if you feel yourself slipping. But you must above all,make an absolute commitment to change, that you are determined not to break.

Make a Workbook List of Your Addiction IssuesSo our next workbook task is to make a list of our selfish-side “addict” desire & fear issues. You’ll

find the forms for this on pages 63 & 64. After reading this paragraph, you can fill them out right away.Really give it some thought though. What kinds of things impede you from living by the Golden Rule all thetime? What kinds of things can cause you to lose your feelings of compassion, caring, giving, sharing - inother words, what can negatively impact your unselfish love? Not everything does. You can have money,attachments, etc., and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? You can also do things you don’tlike to do, and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? If losing anything, or having to deal with

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anything, does cause you to lose your love, you have an addiction problem that negatively controls you.Those are the things you need to be aware of, and will need to deal with if you want to really live by theGolden Rule all the time. This list will just help you identify potential problems, so you can be aware ofwhat you may need or want to work on (make extra copies of those pages if there isn’t enough room tocover all your issues).

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Chapter Fourteen

Getting some Help from Your Subconscious MindOur subconscious minds have tremendous impact on our lives. Some studies show that as much as

98 percent of everything we think and do, is initiated from the subconscious. That’s pretty powerful controlover our behavior and life.

The subconscious mind is like a computer. And just as with all computers, it operates according toit’s “programming”. That programming can be good, and helpful, or it can be bad and full of “bugs”. Ifyou have programming that is negative or hinders your life in some way (which most people do), it cancounteract and ruin all the conscious constructive efforts we make.

Getting the Conscious and Subconscious in SyncIn order for any goal achievement program to really be effective, the conscious and subconscious

minds must work together. Many times a person makes major conscious mind decisions, but theprogramming of the subconscious mind is in conflict with those, and keeps working at counter-purposes tothe conscious goal. Since so much of what we think and do comes from the subconscious, this can totallynullify your conscious desires, and in fact, make things happen that are opposite to what you want. For instance, a person may have decided they want a successful career, and they do all the rightconscious things to make it happen. They get training, apply for work, etc.. But if the subconscious isprogrammed for failure, the person will do things that counteract, and defeat the conscious goal. They maybe stupid little things, like the slip of a word at the wrong time, or being late for an appointment, or evenlittle physical “screw-ups” that cause some problem with the work you are doing. It can defeat you in manyways.

This also applies to personal growth or spiritual goals. For example, if you’re trying to be positive, andthe subconscious keeps spitting out negative thoughts and reactions, it’s effectively “short circuiting” your goal.

Why Do I Seem to Keep Shooting Myself in the Foot?Primarily (as we mentioned earlier), the selfish-side uses negative programming in and of itself, to

keep separate, keep control, and keep “alive”. And it doesn’t want the “status quo” tampered with. But forthe moment, let’s take a look at why subconscious programming by itself, can be so self-destructive.

The problem is, that most people never chose their own programming. Sometimes oursubconscious programming was haphazardly developed from our environment or experiences. Other timesit was deliberately programmed into us, by other people and our culture as a whole. It started from the timewe were born (and perhaps even in the womb) and has continued into the present. So our programmershave been our society, parents, peers, schools, tv, things we’ve read, movies, etc., etc., (and ourexperiences with them all).

Unfortunately, most people aren’t aware of their programming, and wouldn’t know how to changeit even if they were. If you really want to improve yourself, you should do a self-examination of yourprogramming, and decide if any of it is self-destructive, or working contrary to your ideals or goals (if the GRis the principle you want to live your life by, you can bet some of the programming is contrary to that). Failure and reasons for failure, are often programmed in. Few people have had good consistentchildhood programming that was supportive of being able to accomplish what they want in life, let alonesupportive of the benefits of being unselfishly loving. Obviously, you won’t be able to examine all yourprogramming at one time (at least under normal circumstances), but you can contemplate some of it. Andlook at it as issues come up in your life from time to time.

Next, you need to contemplate what kind of programming you want to have, and would be goodfor you. Once you have done both of those things, you can use various methods we will discuss later, toreplace or change much or all of your programming, and get your subconscious mind working for youinstead of against you.

Fighting the Good FightFighting negative programming, thoughts or feelings isn’t really effective. The best way to truly

defeat the negative, is to make progress in the good. And we’ll cover ways to do that.The first thing is to set goals and ideals, then get them into your subconscious mind by using

affirmations/prayer/self-hypnosis or whatever else can help accomplish that. Again, the subconscious mindis very powerful, and always working in the background. It can always be working FOR your consciousgoals and ideals, or AGAINST them. So taking measures to program your subconscious with yourconscious desires, will get your subconscious working for you rather than against you. It makes a HUGEdifference to have your subconscious mind in harmony with, and working together with, your conscious

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mind desires and goals. [“The Subconscious Affirmations” Recordings mentioned in the back of the bookuse a mix of scientifically proven techniques to help TREMENDOUSLY with getting your subconscious mindto work for you towards achieving your goals.]

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Chapter Fifteen

GoalsThe effects of defining and setting a goal in life, can be seen in many ways. The reason behind

someone being materially successful or destitute in most cases, is not just a matter of “the breaks” they got.It’s more a matter of whether or not they have created a goal, made a real decision to “go for it”, andapplied themselves to it with consistency and discipline. Then regardless of whether they have “breaks” or“obstacles”, they “keep on keeping on” no matter how difficult it may get, until they reach their goal.Winning athletes and coaches also know the invaluable asset of shooting for a goal with unshakabledetermination and commitment.

The same things apply to personal or spiritual growth, but it’s a bit more complex. Rather than justhaving a goal for career success, you can apply goal setting to personal qualities, virtues, and personalitytraits. And when you change yourself in that way, everything else outside yourself eventually changes too.Who and how you are, determines who your friends are, the kind of jobs you get, the kind of relationshipsyou have - it simply is the root of everything in your life. For instance, if you are a drug addict, yougenerally have drug addict friends, there may be job problems, a lower standard of living/housing, etc.. Butchanging just that one thing, and putting drugs behind you, eventually creates a change in friends, work, andliving environment. Changing other traits like laziness, possessiveness, greed, procrastination, etc., intotheir positive counterparts, also changes your life. Changing into someone who is working on applying theGolden Rule, involves many positive trait changes, and thus has a great impact on your life.

Using Affirmations to Achieve Your Personal Growth GoalsAffirmations are statements for “giving directions” to yourself. They reinforce your consciously

chosen desires and direction in life, and help bring about changes in sub-conscious programming/behaviorpatterns to whatever you will them to be.

The use of affirmations is a great “tool” - a technique to develop virtues and qualities within yourselfthat help you attain your goals, your ideal, and also to help correct “slip ups” or negative behavior.

Virtues and qualities you may want to develop could include things like temperance, assertiveness,humility, gentleness, sensitivity, kindness, compassion, awareness, alertness, punctuality, vitality,concentration, self-discipline, listening, accuracy, communicating well, perseverance, emotional stability,responsibility, dependability, etc... These are traits that you will work on by using your own personalaffirmations, as described later in this section.

Using an affirmation is like planting a seed in the fertile soil of your sub-conscious mind, and like aseed it needs daily tending or it may die. For this reason, affirmations are tools that are used daily, andfrequently, by those who wish to change.

“Corrective” Affirmations

If you really desire to change as quickly as possible, a positive corrective affirmation should be doneinstantly, every time someone brings up to you an improvement you could make about your self, or pointsout a fault. This should be done instantly, and sincerely, with thought, right when it is brought up to you.

In order for affirmations to be effective, they must always be stated as a positive result, rather thantrying to ‘negate’ a negative. For instance, if you became unjustly angry, the affirmation you use should notbe, ‘I am not negative. I do not get angry,’ or such. It needs to be phrased in the positive way - somethinglike ‘I am positive, humble, and Unselfishly Loving.’ In other words, you always say the good thing that youwant to achieve, and never use a ‘double negative’, never give energy to the negative trait that you wish tochange. Instead, give energy to the positive trait that will supercede the negative.

Also, remember that the subconscious mind is something like a mindless robot - it only obeys andunderstands things literally, it doesn’t “figure things out”, “interpret” or “know what you mean”. Thus,affirmations should always be stated as an already accomplished fact, such as ‘I am such and such’, ratherthan stating them as unaccomplished possible future events like ‘I will be....’, ‘I am going to be....’, or ‘Iwould like to be more....”. Wording affirmations in those ways either just won’t make sense to thesubconscious, or it tells the subconscious mind that this is a change that will take place in the future. Andsince the future is always in the future, it actually prevents the changes from ever taking place - because weare always in the ‘now’. For instance, let’s say you were a robot who was holding a spoon, and I wantedyou to drop your spoon. I would need to figure out exactly what to say to you to make you drop the spoon.If I know that you only take my words literally, just as the subconscious mind does, then I need to phrase my

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words to you properly, or you won’t understand that I want you to drop the spoon, and you won’t do it. Soif I said to you, ‘you will be dropping the spoon’, that literally means to you that you WILL be dropping thespoon, not that you should drop it NOW. So what happens? You hold on to it, waiting for that time in thefuture when you WILL BE dropping it. But if I say ‘drop the spoon’, or ‘you are dropping the spoon’, youwould drop it.

Some Fundamental Positive Affirmations

These are some standard affirmations you can use:Morning affirmation:

First, bring to mind your ideal (the person that best represents your concept of a great or spiritualperson you want to emulate). When you are thinking of your ideal though, make sure you are not thinkingof the person’s self/personality, but rather, their example.

Now, while you are holding your ideal in mind, say to yourself, silently, or out loud in private, andwith full meaning, feeling it, not as just a repetition of words, ‘Your will be done God (whatever name forGod you choose), not mine, in me and through me; show me what I must do this day, and let me be achannel of your blessings to all.’ If you just want a great “catch all” for living by the Golden Rule, you cansimply make your affirmation, “I am an unselfishly loving person”. Another particularly nice one is along thelines of the prayer of St. Francis, “God’s will be done, in me and through me”. As with all the affirmationsyou do, repeat it for five minutes.

If you are living with others who are working with you on applying the Golden Rule, also start theday by asking them a favor - ASK them for their input and criticism, to help you become the mostunselfishly loving person you can be.

Evening affirmations:Do your personal affirmations for your present goal, and for the virtue/quality you are specifically workingon developing. And then you should do the dream affirmation (below).

Pre-sleep affirmation:This is often the most effective affirmation because you repeat it as you are going to sleep; this

carries it deeper into the sub-conscious. For this reason your highest priority affirmation should be done asyou go to sleep.

If you want to be able to remember your dreams in the morning, or you want to be conscious ofyour dreams while you are having them, use the following statement as the pre-sleep affirmation until thedifficulty is resolved: ‘I remember my dreams and I am conscious while dreaming.’”

How to Phrase Personalized AffirmationsIf it is not possible for you to get your affirmations from someone who is an expert, you could ask

for guidance (for affirmations) during prayer or meditation, or just think about negative/selfish traits youhave, that you know you need to change, or positive traits you would like to acquire. In fact, part of theGolden Rule program is for you to make a list. Take some time out to do that now. On page 61 you’ll finda Personalized Goal and Affirmations List to help you identify and ground out what you want to change.Take a good look inside your heart, and being very honest with yourself, make your list of everything thatyou want to change about yourself. Think of things that may be blocking or standing in the way of youcreating your spiritual ideal. Then commit to doing the opposite - and make a list next to that list, only stateeverything in it’s “positive” affirmation form. In other words, if you are lazy, write that you are working onbecoming hard working, and energetic. You can refer to the affirmations list below for other ideas, andhelp with finding “opposite” positive affirmations for various traits.

After you are done with your list, you will begin working on changing them one at a time. Choosejust ONE of those things you want to change (the most important first), and then read how to apply yourPersonalized Affirmation below.

[Tip: While the subconscious mind is like a computer, and takes things you say to it literally, the consciousmind works like a filter, and does take interpretations into consideration. I.e., let’s say you are watching acomedian whom you find extremely funny, and you use slang to express that, such as, “He kills me!”. Thatdoesn’t mean you are programming yourself so that “he kills you” in any way. But when you are doingthings to directly address the subconscious, or you are in an altered state that accesses the subconscious, youdon’t have that leeway, and you need to be very literal].

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Here are some typical negative personal traits and their “opposite” positive affirmations that can help youchange:

To Change the Following Negative Traits:Late - “I’m always punctual.”Lazy - “I am efficient, energetic and hard working. “I always do the tasks I need to do.”Irresponsible - “I always think and act responsibly.” “I want to do things positively and properly in orderto help others.” “Everything I do is done well, positively, and right.”Nagging - “I only point things out to someone when necessary.” “Whenever I point something out tosomeone I do it lovingly and concisely.”Procrastination - “I always do the tasks I need to do promptly and thoroughly.” “I am thorough, efficientand speedy in doing my tasks.”Stingy - “I am unselfishly giving when it’s within God’s will and this unselfish giving makes me feel goodand fills me with a deep inner peace and security.” “When it’s within God’s will, I generously give and sharewhat I have with others.”Defensiveness - “I want people to bring things up to me so I can become more positive, selflessly lovingand effective.” “I welcome people bringing things up to me that I can improve about myself or do betternext time.”Greed - “I’m always unselfishly loving.” “When it’s in God’s will, I give freely and generously.”Harsh - “I am unselfishly loving and kind.” “When it’s within God’s will, I’m gentle in my demeanor and inmy dealings with others.”Introverted - “I express my thoughts and feelings”. “I’m always outflowing.” “I am dynamic.” “I ammagnetic and unselfishly loving.”Pushy and overbearing - “I’m always aware and sensitive to the feelings and needs of others”. “I amunselfishly loving.”Impatient - “When it’s within the will of God I can wait with calm, peace of mind and patience.” “I’malways patient and unselfishly loving when it’s within the will of God.”Hate - “I’m always kind and considerate and unselfishly loving.”Irrational Anger - “I always express my feelings with unselfish love.”Harmful Violence - “I’m always gentle, kind and unselfishly loving, in my demeanor towards others.”Harmful Deceit - “I’m always open and honest about my thoughts and feelings when it’s in God’s will.”“I share my feelings openly and honestly with those that I love and care about when it’s in God’s will.”Prejudice - “I am open minded and unselfishly loving.”Impulsiveness - “I’m always thoughtful and responsible in all of my actions.”Obsession - “I am flowing, calm, reasonable, adaptable, flexible and rational.”Possessiveness - “I happily let the people I love be free.” “I let go of the things I love.” “I am unselfishlyloving.”Jealousy - “I’m always giving, sharing, unselfishly loving.” “I feel secure in my relationships.” “I amunselfishly loving.”Envy - “When I see others who have what I don’t I am happy for them.” “I am unselfishly loving.”Overeating - “I only consume food in amounts necessary for the health of my body.” “I only have a desireto ingest things that are healthy.” “I only ingest things that are healthy.” “I want and desire only the foodsand products that are healthy for me.”Alcohol/Drugs - “I only have a desire to ingest things that are healthy.” “I only ingest things that arehealthy.”Smoking - “I only have a desire to ingest things that are healthy. I only ingest things that are healthy.”

And the mother of them all -Selfishness - “I am unselfishly loving.”

To Develop the Following Positive Traits and Virtues:Temperance - “I am moderate in all things.”Assertiveness - “I am dynamic and assertive in an unselfishly loving manner.”Tolerance - “I’m always patient and tolerant of the behavior and shortcomings of others if it’s within God’swill.”Humility - “I’m always humble, and selflessly loving.”Flexibility - “I’m always flexible and flowing if need be and if it’s within the will of God.”

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Gentleness - “When it’s in God’s will, I’m always gentle and flowing in my demeanor with others.”Sensitivity - “I’m always aware and sensitive to the needs and feelings of others.”Kindness - “I’m always kind, considerate and thoughtful.” “I care about everyone who comes into contactme, and I am kind when it’s within God’s will.”Compassion - “I’m always compassionate and caring.” “I am caring and compassionate for all beingseverywhere.”Awareness - “I’m always conscious and aware of my environment and what’s going on around me.”“Even when I am concentrating and focusing on something, I am still aware of what is going on aroundme.”Alertness - “I’m always aware and alert.”Punctuality - “I’m always punctual and on time.”Vitality - “I’m energetic, healthy and vital.” “My vitality is renewed and strengthened as Unselfish Lovewashes over me and through me.”Concentration - “I have excellent concentration.” “I can easily hold my attention on anything I need orwant to.” “My mind is clear and focused.” “My concentration is perfect.”Self-discipline - “Every day I am more and more self-disciplined.” “I am self-disciplined.” “Self-disciplinecomes easily for me.”Listening - “I carefully listen to what others have to say.” “I comprehend and understand the meaning ofthings other people are trying to communicate to me.”Accuracy - “I’m always accurate, conscious and careful about everything I think, feel, say and do.”Communicating well - “I communicate with others accurately, succinctly, and fully.” “I am aware ofwhether or not others have understood my communication.” “I’m always conscious and careful abouteverything I think, feel, say and do.”Intensity/Aggression - “When necessary I am aggressive and intense if it’s in God’s will.” Whennecessary I am an invincible fighter.”Perseverance - “I consistently strive to achieve my goals and surmount obstacles to achieving them.”Emotional stability - “I feel secure.” “I am emotionally calm, stable and centered.” “I am alwaysrational.”Responsibility - “I am always responsible, dependable and unselfishly loving.”Dependability - “I’m always dependable and can be counted upon to do the tasks I am given thoroughlyand promptly.”Courage/ Inner Strength - “The positive force of unselfish love is so powerful within me that I easilyovercome any hurdle, and obstacles become stepping stones.” “I have tremendous courage and will power.”Health - “My immune system is super strong and can fight and kill any invaders.” “My body produces andutilizes whatever substances are necessary for optimum spiritual, emotional and physical health.”

Personalized Affirmation:Go to page 62 of the Personal Declarations section. It says “My daily affirmation is:”. Under that,

write what you want your affirmation to be. If you have more than one affirmation you want to make, it’sbetter to work on them one at a time. You can rotate affirmations, and do one during one week or month,then do the next affirmation the next week/month, etc.. Again, you might want to copy this and post yourwritten affirmation someplace - and look at it, don’t just let it get buried or lost. Read your affirmation toyourself out loud or silently every day.

Something we highly suggest using is a wonderful little device called a MotivAider. It’s like a littlevibrating pager you keep with you. You set it to whatever time intervals you want to be reminded ofsomething (anywhere from every 15 seconds to every 24 hours). The MotiVator can be used to bring yourpresent personal affirmation to mind throughout the day. Once set, it will silently vibrate every (whateveryou set) minutes, to remind you to think of your present affirmation, say it silently to yourself, and thinkabout how and if you are applying it.

Another highly recommended way to plant affirmations deeply and instantly into the “garden” ofyour subconscious, is to use the “Subconscious Affirmations” CD’s/Tapes (see back of book). There aremany different volumes with specific affirmations already recorded. These psychologist approved recordingsuse a combination of traditional and proven scientific methods to help you access your subconscious mind,and make the changes you want. And all you have to do is put it on and listen to it once a day! The“Subconscious Affirmation” Recordings (incorporate a “full-spectrum” of established effective techniques,combining: Progressive relaxation; Guided imagery; Visualization; Affirmations; Brainwave entrainment; and

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Heartbeat Sounds. The result is a recording that relaxes you, and takes you into the deeply restful states ofenhanced awareness that generally are only accessible to master meditators after years of hard training.Special volumes are available with affirmations for stress management, spiritual development, healingvisualizations, and more. They have been used by Doctors and Psychiatrists with excellent results, and arethe fastest and most powerful way to utilize the power of positive affirmations. However, they should not beused as a substitute for the above mentioned daily affirmation work, because they are not as specific.

(“The Subconscious Affirmations” recordings use no “subliminal” messages. All instructions andaffirmations are clearly audible.)

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Chapter SixteenIdeals

“Goal setting” involves defining and targeting anything you want to accomplish. “Ideal setting” issimilar. The difference is, it has to do with how you want to be personally, as opposed to what you want toaccomplish.

For “ideal setting”, it can help to use the examples of the great saints or sages you admire as anideal to shoot for. For instance, if you are Christian, Jesus makes a great “ideal” and role model (or youcould use a saint). If you are Buddhist, Buddha or the Dalai Lama might be your ideal. If you’re a politician,Bill Clinton or Ronald Reagan could be your ideal (that’s a joke folks). If you feel that those examples seemtoo high to reach for right away, just choose someone you personally know and really admire. Then setabout emulating them as your first ideal/goal. Close your eyes, contemplate it. Feel, and completelyvisualize being like your ideal, as if it were indeed real.

One reason for choosing someone admirable as an ideal to model yourself after, is that their livesset an example for you. Also, if a situation comes up in which you are confused about how you shouldbehave, you can fall back on your “personalized” ideal, and think about how they would act or speak in thatsituation. THIS CAN BE VERY HELPFUL. For instance, have you ever seen these little lapel pins thathave the initials “WWJD” on them? It stands for What Would Jesus Do. If Jesus were your ideal, and youaren’t sure how to behave or what to say in a certain situation, you can ask yourself, “What would Jesusdo?”. That same concept can apply to whomever you hold as your ideal. For instance, some people mightwant to idealize a great humanitarian who had compassion and love for others, like Albert Schweitzer or thelike. Speaking of which, here is a wonderful quote from Schweitzer that relates to this, “I don’t know whatyour destiny will be, but one thing I do know: The ones among you who will be really happy, are those whohave sought and found how to serve.”

Your ideal is the encapsulation of the end result of all your goals, of everything you ultimately wantto be, and most importantly, a way of being, all wrapped up in one symbolic concept.

We have already discussed how what you think and do, radically changes everything in your life.When you establish an ideal, and keep it in your conscious mind, it can have a powerful affect on your life.But this is only as strong as your application of the ideal in your life.

Programming Your IdealTo get your ideal programmed into the sub-conscious, use the tools of affirmation, “corrective

visualization” after writing your daily activities in your Journal, and using a “Subconscious Affirmations” CDor tape. The MotivAider can also help with keeping your ideal in your conscious mind frequently, AND helpcorrect your subconscious programming to be what you want it to be. Once set, it will vibrate every(whatever you set) minutes, to remind you to bring your ideal to mind.

Once an ideal is fully programmed into the subconscious, the sub-conscious will work towardsachieving it. This doesn’t mean that you can sit back and let the sub-conscious do all the work for you. Youmust still consciously apply your ideal in all situations - concentration and self-discipline comes into playhere.

Every evening get out your Journal and review your daily activities to see how well you are doingwith living up to your ideal.

Once you DECIDE what you really want, make an iron-clad written commitment to changingyourself. On page 71, you’ll find a Personal Ideal, Goal, and Commitment Contract. It is a detailed form tohelp you “set your course”. Putting it in writing helps ground it out and make it more real and serious.

You may want to change your goals or ideal from time to time, so just in case, you may want to fillout the form with pencil, or make a photocopy of the blank form first. When filling this out, make sure youtake the time to really think about what you desire to create for yourself spiritually. And don’t be afraid toreach for your highest ideal, and really elaborate upon it.

When you’re done filling it out, sign it. Don’t be afraid to modify it if you wish.On the same day once a week, every week, (every Sunday for instance, or whenever you have a

study group meeting), read your Personal Ideal, Goal, and Commitment Contract, and mentally or verballyre-affirm your commitment. Modify it if your goals/ideal changes.

Ideals SummaryWhatever your ideal is, self-discipline, consistency, and perseverance are determining factors in

whether the manifestation of your ideal is great, has little effect, or fails to manifest altogether. Look atthose who have excelled in their chosen directions. How do they do it? They have very definite targets andthey work at it consistently. One of my old teachers at the monastery had a couple of favorite quotes about

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this sort of thing, “Perseverance furthers” and “If someone else can do it, so can you”. Or as a friendrecently put it, “Keep your eyes on the prize.”

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Chapter Seventeen

Self-Tolerance

Here’s a bit of a paradox, but we must deal with the reality of it. It takes absolute determinationand commitment towards a focused goal and ideal to succeed in changing. You don’t even want to allowyourself the mental possibility of not achieving your goals or ideals. But what if you do slip? For instance, asuccessful athlete must be “psyched up”, have the mental drive, the determination, the commitment to winat any cost. But sometimes they don’t win, or they slip up. What then? That’s where tolerance comes in.If you start thinking negatively, and developing a negative thought habit pattern of “losing” or “being aloser/being a screw-up”, you will be giving in to the selfish side. That’s just what it wants to keep youdown, and keep you under its control.

I learned how to deal with this when I was studying meditation techniques that involvedconcentration. If you “slip up” when you are training, your mind starts wandering and drifting off to allkinds of other thoughts. Once you finally notice that your mind has drifted off, and you lost yourconcentration, you can do one of two things. You can take the negative, destructive route (Get frustratedand reinforce the failure, perhaps even give up). Or you can take the positive, constructive route (Simplyimmediately bring your mind back to what you were supposed to be concentrating on, without a moment of“self-chastisement). Which do you think yields the most positive results?

You can take the same approach with any failure or set-back in your life. If you are trying to live bythe Golden Rule and be unselfishly loving all the time, and you slip up, what should you do? First, be honestand open about “having been wrong” or “making a mistake”. If you need to apologize to another person,do so. Being defensive gets you nowhere. Well, actually it does get you somewhere - it reinforcesselfishness, and is counter-productive to changing to become a more unselfishly loving person. Beinghumble, honest, tolerant, and saying a “positive affirmation” that declares and reinforces your commitmentand goals, is the positive and constructive way to deal with “slip ups”.

We’ll discuss it more later, but for now, we’ll just give a very brief example of a slip up, and taking aGolden Rule approach to getting back on track. Let’s say you were unjustly angry and said something cruelor hurtful to someone else. Once your state of mind is more rational and caring again, you would want tostart with apologizing. After that, you might want want to do a positive corrective affirmation along thelines of, “I am calm, just, and caring.”, or even “I am humble and unselfishly loving.” would cover it. Thendiscuss the issues positively.

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Chapter Eighteen

Using “Corrective Affirmations” to Help YouPractice what you Preach (or Believe in)

If you are sincere about living by the Golden Rule, you will be affecting others with your words, butmost importantly, with your behavior. And what is really behind both words and behavior, is yourspirituality, who you really are, how you really feel. No matter what you present, how you try to convinceanyone of anything, it’s whether or not you Unselfishly love them, that they can feel internally, and canaffect outcomes in various ways (a very positive response if they are a good caring person inside, butpossibly a negative response if they are hardened in being cold hearted and uncaring).

If you are unselfishly loving, you act out of wanting the best for others. And discipline,disagreements, and such, are all part of the package. That applies to how you deal with your own “self” too.

So the important thing is that your actions, your words and thoughts, are not coming from a selfish,unloving place. And unless you are perfect, selfishness will crop up all the time. It’s whether or not youdeal with it when it happens that counts. The selfish-side self would prefer you throw up your hands in self-pity and give up your struggle to change your self. But that isn’t constructive. So if you really want togrow, it’s a matter of how to positively deal with yourself when you catch yourself being selfish or “negative”(or someone else points it out to you). That’s where corrective affirmations come in.

Corrective affirmations are very much like the goal/virtue affirmations discussed previously, but theyare used specifically to gently re-direct yourself, and re-affirm what you really want, when you have fallenshort. If you are “normal” you will probably need to do them daily.

Corrective affirmations are not an apology. While they are good to say out loud (in situations wherethat’s feasible) so others can hear you, they should not be used to replace, or assumed to be, an apology.Affirmations are statements you are making to yourself to modify your own behavior. The primaryreason it is good to say them out loud, is because it takes humility, honesty and openness to do so. It’ssimilar to the “12 step” addiction programs in that way. But if you aren’t in a situation where that would beappropriate (like in public or at work, etc.) you can do it silently to yourself. Here are a couple of examplesof where you might do a silent corrective affirmation. You’re in a store and you accidentally bump into alady and knock a package out of her hand, because you weren’t being aware enough to see her. Other thanapologizing, you might silently say to yourself, “I am always conscious, aware, and careful”. Next time, thatsituation may not repeat itself. Or maybe it will take a lot more use of the affirmation before you get moreaware in that way. But one thing for sure, if you are at all defensive about your action, there’s no point ineven doing an affirmation, because you don’t have the right attitude, and your attitude will defeat the effectof the affirmation. Another incident could be - while taking a bus, you realize you left your wallet at home.You could just stew about it. Curse about it. Get angry. Or you could be rational and say something like “Ialways remember my wallet”, or a broader one like “My memory is becoming perfect”, or at a moreadvanced stage, “My memory is perfect”. Another incident that more directly applies to the Golden Rule,could be - while checking out in the express line at the market, you notice that someone in front of you hasmany more than the 10 item limit. You could stew in anger. Express hostility. Or you could silently say “Iam always unselfishly loving” ANDMEAN IT. FEELIT. Now doing that, and changing your attitude to apositive one, DOES NOT preclude being able to tell the person that they shouldn’t be in that line. Or evenarguing about it. IT IS YOUR ATTITUDE INSIDE THAT COUNTS. And that attitude will affect you at theleast, and may have a positive affect on the other person. At least it gives a good opportunity for it.

It’s always best to say a corrective affirmation immediately after an incident occurs if possible. But ifthat isn’t possible, then you can do it later.

Using corrective affirmations with others you’re working with on applying the Golden Rule, will bediscussed in later chapters.

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Chapter Nineteen

Things to Do Today(Before I Physically Die)

Having a Near Death Experience (NDE) can profoundly change and improve a person’s life. Thereare many cases where a disaster actually became the best thing that ever happened to someone - because oftheir NDE. Part of the reason for this is personally experiencing a positive “life after death” (for mostpeople). But another reason is that after having an NDE, people re-assess their life, make positive changes,and appreciate every moment. Short of having an NDE, there are special “death awareness” techniquesthat can have a profoundly beneficial affect on your life - even before you have a death experience.

Everyone should CONSTANTLY be reminding themselves that they could physically die at anytime. Remember, you are in fact going to die someday. One of these days you will be just a fewminutes from death. Seriously think about that. Contemplate it for awhile. And in thinking about it, thinkabout how you are leaving things, and how you are using your life right now. Here are some examples:

1) If you were going to die in five minutes, is the way you have left things with the people in yourlife, how you want to leave them?

2) Are the last things you said, what you want to have left said?3) Have you left anything unsaid that you would have wanted to say before you’re gone for good?4) With the perspective of knowing that you are going to die at any minute, how important to you

is that issue of _______ that really irritated you (about living with so and so, or what so and so does, or thethings you don’t like about how or where you must live, etc., etc.,).

5) Is the terrible argument you had about_________really important?6) Have you done what you wanted to, or needed to do, with your life?7) What is the legacy you are leaving? Are your last actions the actions you would want to be your

last?

“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die,the world cries and you rejoice.”- Indian proverb.

Walking With Death by Your SideHere’s a method you can use to remind yourself of death. Personalize it, and keep it with you.

Live your life consciously aware that death is always standing by your side, only an arm’s length away. Thenyou will live accordingly. You won’t live in fear - quite the opposite. It frees you to live life fully. I highlyrecommend everyone contemplate their death - and it shouldn’t just be something you remind yourself ofdaily, it should be constant, or at least as frequent as you can make it. It really helps keep things inperspective, and changes the way you live. When you are always aware that you might be dead any second,you can really live your life to the fullest and in the most positive and constructive manner. Awareness ofdeath, begets real life.

“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life-so that if it were over tomorrow, you’d be content with yourself.”- Seymour

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Chapter Twenty

Working with others of like-mind

Many of the ideas we’ve covered so far both apply to dealing with changing yourself, and applyingthe Golden Rule to your interactions with other people, regardless of whether or not those people are tryingto live by the Golden Rule themselves. But now we’re going to be getting into methods of interacting withothers of like-mind.

Working with others gives you more opportunity to see your true self. Let’s assume you want tosee things about yourself that are impediments to being unselfishly loving (so you can change yourself).Since the selfish side of you doesn’t want to be “exposed” in the light of truth, it “tricks” you into avoidingseeing your own problems. But others can often see the problems/blocks you have, that you can’t (or trynot to) see. So you can ask them to bring things up to you that they see about you, and give youfeedback/criticism. That gives you far more opportunity to change.

Working with others whom you’ve asked to help you change (and who have asked you to help themchange), is like standing in a room full of mirrors naked (in the mental/emotional/spiritual sense). Ofcourse, when other people are not purely unselfishly loving, they are going to be “reflecting” you back toyourself inaccurately to varying degrees, because their own selfishly based problems “distort” theirperception. It can also taint their motives. This is where it gets tricky. A reflection of you and yourbehavior is still there, but you have to discern the true reflection from the “distortion”. Also, your selfishside is going to want to ignore the true reflection in what they are bringing up to you. And if you aren’tcareful, you can end up ignoring true constructive criticism, by “rationalizing” that it is distorted informationcoming from someone’s own bias or agenda. To help you with that problem, this workbook containsspecific methods to help clarify the process, and maximize your growth potential.

Shared Ideals & GoalsWorking closely with others who share the same ideals and goals as you, provides far greater

opportunity for developing your unselfish love. If you really want to make faster, more profound progress,doing it with the help of others is much better than doing it alone. That also applies to accomplishing thingsas a group.

For example, if you have a car with a wheel stuck in a ditch, 7 people trying to lift it out of the ditchseparately, one at at time, won’t get anywhere. But 7 people focusing their energy on the same thing, atthe same time (like all 7 lifting one end of the car at the same time), can lift the car’s wheel right out of theditch (or they can push the car out together). It works the same way with other goals.

If you get excited about what the Golden Rule can mean in your life, and to others, you’ll naturallywant others to discover the beauty of the Golden Rule too, especially your loved ones. You can use theGolden Rule interpersonal development methods outlined in this book with anyone who shares your goalsand ideals. But because it requires cooperation, whomever you hope to work with needs to feel the sameway you do about spirituality. For instance, if you believe that living by the Golden Rule is a priority, andthey don’t, then they won’t really want to change. Even if someone agrees to “go along” with you, if theydon’t really have the heart-felt commitment, it won’t work out. In that case, all you can do is work onyourself by yourself, or find others of like-mind to work within Golden Rule study groups, or church groups.

If your friends and family don’t feel the same way as you, keep in mind that a good example is farmore effective than “preaching” to them. Also remember... YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. And ifyou do change and become more unselfishly loving, and consistently apply that in your life, you will besetting an example that will affect those around you, and give them a positive opportunity to change. That’sthe best anyone can do. And some people may accept that and appreciate it, and others may reject it. Itjust depends on what kind of person they are inside.

Study Groups/Clubs vs. Living TogetherThere are actually two different basic ways to work with other people towards applying the Golden

Rule.One way is the study group/club type of situation, in which people just get together to meet and

have group activities periodically.The other way, is working with people you actually live with. Working with those you live with is

more of an “intensive” situation and thus affords more opportunity for growth, more rapid growth, and canbe more fulfilling.

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Living with people who are dedicated to applying the Golden Rule can include a spouse/family typesituation, a roommate arrangement (where a number of like-minded individuals split/share housing), orboth. We’ll call both living with a spouse/family that has the same ideals/goals as you (applying the GoldenRule), or living with unrelated people who have the same shared ideals/goals, “Intentional Roommating”.Since spousal relationships are a bit more complex, there’s a special section of the workbook about that,after the “Intentional Roomating” section below.

Intentional RoommatingThere’s nothing as beneficial as living and working together with others who are also working on

applying the Golden Rule in their lives too. It affords the greatest opportunity for forging yourself into anunselfishly loving person (YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU). If you are only able to work together withone other person, that’s great. But if you can work with more than one person, that’s even better becauseit affords more feedback, more variables, and thus more opportunities for you to grow and develop yourunselfish love. Regardless of how many other people you’re working with, all your ideals, your intentions,your true degree of humility and unselfish love, get put to the test in such situations. As we said earlier, giving to those who would selfishly take can actually be detrimental (because youmight be making things worse for them). For instance, doing something apparently good like beingcharitable and giving money to some homeless person isn’t really helping them if that person is going to useit to buy drugs (in fact, you’d be contributing to harming them). So you need “safe ground” to practice yourgiving. If you have a spouse, family, friend(s), group or club who are all agreeing to live by the samestandards, you have the potential for “safe ground” to an extent. You can create a controlled situation, inwhich you are each agreeing to fully apply the Golden Rule, with each other. You can then freely give,receive, and express feelings and thoughts with each other.

Being “Used”, or Utilizing YourselfOnce you decide your purpose is to give, to care, to help others, and you have found a situation in

which you can do so - consider giving all you can. Consider doing all you can. The greatest people whohave ever lived on this planet, dedicated whatever skills, energy, abilities, effort, talents, assets, sweat, timeand toil they were capable of giving - all to help others. Self-sacrifice was their gift of unselfish love.

I have heard people talk about being “used”, or being “taken advantage of”. Certainly, if someoneis using you just for their own selfish gain, and it is actually detrimental to lend your self and your energies tothem, don’t do so. But if your spouse, family, or friends, are of like-mind, and dedicated to working ondeveloping and applying unselfish love themselves, then you should look at what you can contribute to thewhole as the wonderful opportunity it is. Personally, I am always being “used” by others. I want to give ofmy abilities, energy and time, in the service of God. I am happy to give all I can to help others find God andInner Peace themselves - by helping them become more loving. It is often hard and thankless work, butwhat am I here for? Am I here to get, or to give? To accumulate wealth or material possessions just formyself, or to be better able to help others. Am I here to be loved, or to love? For me and mine, I say, Iwant to be “used”. I will utilize all I have in that service. It is my constant desire to be an instrument ofGod’s will. But that’s just me, and my choice. You must make your own. But it wouldn’t hurt to askyourself the same questions.

From St. Francis of Assisi -“Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow LoveWhere there is injury, let me sow pardonWhere there is doubt, let me sow faithWhere there is despair, let me sow hopeWhere there is darkness, let me sow lightWhere there is sadness, let me sow joyOh divine MasterGrant that I seek not so much to be consoled, as to console.To be understood as to understandTo be loved as to LoveFor it is giving that we receiveIt is in pardoning that we are pardonedAnd it is in dying that we are born unto Eternal Life.”

Roses or Thorns

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If they get along well enough, unrelated intentional roommates can even become like a sort ofextended family, because of their shared ideals and caring for each other.

Such a situation may sound wonderful at first consideration, and it certainly can be, but it takeswork, dedication, and commitment. It’s not just a “hearts & roses” affair. More like a path of roses -flowers, thorns, flowers, thorns, flowers.

Like any challenge, it can sometimes get difficult. Depending on “where you’re at” within yourself,you can experience such interaction as wonderful, or horrible. The reason for this is simple. The “spiritualside” of people really likes the support, nurturing and empowerment of such interactions with others. Butthe “selfish side” hates the giving, the constructive criticism (because it “exposes” its tricks and games), andthe loss of its control over you. This is where things like absolute commitment become invaluable. But yourattitude is perhaps even more important, because that affects what kind of thoughts get generated. Attitudeaffects everything, including the way you approach your tasks and growth, and what you accomplish. I havea friend who takes dips in frozen ponds in the middle of winter. He loves it! But he only loves it because hehas that attitude towards it. To someone else, that would be a hellish experience. And if they were toldthey had to do it, or should do it, but had a negative attitude towards it, it would be a nightmare. Changethe attitude, and you change your experience, and thus your life.

So when dealing with other people, having a humble attitude towards being criticized, and a tolerantattitude towards them (rather than being prideful, inflexible, or arrogant), makes a huge difference. As doescaring more about the trials and needs of others, rather than focusing on your own (remember the 12 footspoons!). In fact, when you are thinking about others, or caring for the needs of others, your mind isn’t onyourself. You only experience your own misery, issues and problems when you are thinking aboutyourself. In fact, recent studies show that when there is a disaster of some kind, the disaster victims whofocus on helping others, suffer far less traumatic psychological damage.

“Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”- John Watson

Interpersonal RelationshipsWhen people get together, interpersonal problems almost always arise. The closer they live

together and the more they interrelate with each other, the more problems can arise. That’s one of thereasons the divorce rate is so high. Hitch two average selfish people closely together (especially if they don’thave the same ideals), and you have a good potential for future relationship problems. The same withfriends or roommates. You may get along if you don’t see each other too often, or place demands on eachother, but if you “cross certain lines”, sparks can fly. Normally, when people rent a room and becomeroommates, they set all kinds of spoken and unspoken “boundaries” to prevent/minimize interpersonalproblems arising. But in a shared ideal Golden Rule intentional roommate situation (whether that means aspouse, or unrelated friends), the point is to develop and try to practice Pure love. Thus GR intentionalroommates actually want to deliberately cross boundaries and offer constructive criticism for the purposesof “routing out” selfishness and developing unselfish love. That can get intense. All kinds of emotions canarise - anger, resentments, envy, jealousy, etc.. Buried emotional issues and scars from past relationships,even child abuse, might emerge from repression and need to be dealt with. But that’s all part of changingand healing.

As strange as it seems, attempting to really apply the Golden Rule, can at first be even more chaoticand tumultuous. It can even get a bit like being in the trenches of a war zone. If you aren’t perfect, and theyaren’t perfect, what can you expect? Even if you are working on becoming unselfishly loving (and so areothers you’re working with), what can you expect? The fact that you’re working on being unselfishly loving,means you aren’t yet. But here’s the thing: The greatest amount of true spiritual growth comesfrom getting down “in the trenches” with others - that means getting criticism, giving criticism(and dealing with backlash & defensiveness), having conflicts with others arise that challengeyour unselfish love, and dealing with these issues correctly and lovingly. You might want toread that again, because it is about the essence of real spirituality, and where the bulk of spiritual work andgrowth take place.

Later, we talk more about positive ways to help you interact and accomplish that, but let’s start withwritten interpersonal commitment statements.

Interpersonal Commitment StatementsThese are similar to the personal commitment ideal and goals statements we covered earlier, but

they’re for defining and “grounding out” your goals and commitments for working with others of like-mind.

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I suppose you could compare them to oaths or marriage vows in a way, but they are frequently referred toand used as part of the overall Golden Rule interpersonal groupwork program.

On page 72 of your Personal Declarations section, you will find the GR Interpersonal CommitmentStatement. Fill it out, and sign it.

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Chapter Twenty-One

Choosing Intentional Roommates

People who want to create a controlled environment to work even more intensely on the GoldenRule at home, can do so. All it takes is like-minded individuals, friends, or family who room together.People room together all the time of course, but it’s usually only done for its financial benefits. But it can befor spiritual benefits too.

People who room together always set up “house rules”. The rules may involve sharing chores,smoking, food arrangements, noise during certain hours, etc.. Golden Rule oriented roommates can makehouse rules that create an environment conducive to living by the Golden Rule and developing unselfish loveand caring.

Maybe everyone would like a special room designated for prayers/meditations. Or maybe honoringa “do not disturb” sign on a bedroom door, and/or sensitivity to peace and quiet in the house, would suffice.

Do you want a generally quiet living environment? Or periods of quiet? Do people want to playmusic, at what hours, and what kind of music? One person’s masterpiece is pure disharmonious noise toanother person. What about TV? You can have TV, no TV, TV only at certain times, or movies only.The options for everything are endless.

What about cleanliness? How do you handle the laundry or dirty clothes? Kitchen rules? Whatabout meat if some people are vegetarian? Communicable diseases? In Hawaii, some households keep tothe tradition of taking shoes off before entering - other households don’t. In Japan, they practice that too. Ilived there, and it definitely keeps the house cleaner, and more sanitary. What about things you breathethat might irritate someone’s lungs, like cigarette smoke, nail polish and incense? There are many decisionsto make about many things. All it takes is some thought and collaboration, and it’s all up to you and yourroommates.

You can even create a nearly monastic environment if you and your roommates want to. After all,there really isn’t that much to it. What makes a monastery? Well, it varies of course, but one thing for sure- it’s not the decor and ambiance. It’s basically all about making house rules that allow a life that’s focusedon spiritual living practices.

Some monks practice silence, or periods of silence, but many don’t. If having your own room isn’t an issue to you and your fellow roommates, sharing rooms can savemoney and create more interaction and opportunities to see self-side addictive behavior and apply theGolden Rule. If you want to room with more people or in closer quarters, bunk beds are a traditional waypeople have “doubled up” for a long time. They’ve been used to increase occupancy for children at home,“sleeping cars” on trains, “tour buses” for entertainers and bands, monasteries, military barracks, “dorms”,and summer camps. Everything is all up to you and your intentional roommates, because you collectivelymake the rules!

Roommate ContractsOnce all roommates have decided on house rules, it should be put in writing in the form of

contracts. All roommates who agree, can commit to it in writing. This isn’t a legal issue, it’s a commitmentissue. It can be referred to later if necessary, to remind people of what they mutually agreed to. So lay itout in detail, with all points covered, in advance. Also, it gives you something for future potentialroommates to look at, so they can decide if they want the same rules. If they don’t, and you want toaccommodate them, you can also always make changes to the rules if you think it’s worth it. You maywant to have contract clauses that specify the means of removing a roommate whom other roommates findundesirable (for instance, a majority vote, or whatever).

Golden Rule Fellowship MeetingsAs we mentioned earlier, there can be two kinds of groups that get together for purposes of helping

each other apply the Golden Rule in their lives. One is more casual, loosely structured and less intense.The other is “intentionally living together” situations - which include couples, families, and intentionalroommates. Thus, there are different kinds of meetings and interaction methods that apply to eachsituation.

There are two categories: Golden Rule Study Group/Club/Fellowship Meetings; and IntentionalRoommate Meetings. Spouse relationships have special issues that must be considered, so those will beaddressed separately. Spouse/family meetings will be the same as intentional roommate meetings however,with the exception of those issues, so you should use the intentional roommate meeting section as a general

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guide. Everyone should read about both kinds of meetings though, because certain concepts definitelycross-over.

Golden Rule Study Group/Club/Fellowship Meetings[To find a nearby study group/club, or form one, you are welcome to contact the Golden Rule

Organization (GRO) headquarters.] The following guidelines are step-by-step instructions for conducting a Golden Rule meeting.Because of the format, just reading those guidelines might make it seem that a Golden Rule meeting is astiff, uptight affair. But it shouldn’t be in the least. If you are doing it right, it should be a very comfortable,casual, relaxed, loving, and enjoyable atmosphere (except for times of emotional release or interpersonaldisagreements, which can naturally get a little intense sometimes). And feel free to modify anything,including the order of things, to improve the function and results of meetings.

First Meeting Decisions1) Where? - Golden Rule meetings can be held at the facilities of a cooperative house of worship, or atmembers’ homes. If you choose to do it at members’ homes, you can rotate between members if you like.2) Finances - Do you want to charge membership fees to cover expenses, food/beverages, etc., or ifrotating homes, just let each member cover that during their turn?

Do you want to “pass a basket” to accept donations from members to help support your localprojects, and/or the work of the Golden Rule Organization, or not?3) Meeting days, times, and lengths - The first matter to discuss will be agreeing upon how often to gettogether. This will obviously be determined by what everyone’s schedule will permit. If at all possible, dailymeetings are preferable. They help keep your life direction focused on your priority ideals and goals, helpkeep you from getting “lost and entangled” with day to day problems, and can help keep you inspired. But itmay not be possible to meet that frequently for those who don’t live together. Once a week would still begood if that’s all everyone can commit to.

Next discuss and set the best time for the meeting. Then discuss an agreeable length of time formeetings.4) Leader Election - Elect a group leader by secret ballot or open show of vote. This leadership positionshould be open to challenge and a new vote called for at any time during meetings. If you all know oneanother, or pretty much so, it’s obviously best to choose someone who is respected for their fairness and/orcompassion. The group leader will call the meeting to order, dismiss it, and intervene in certain situationsthat call for a defining third party decision.

Conducting Study Group/Club Meetings1) Moment of Silence - Once everyone is assembled, and the meeting called to order, everyone can joinhands and spend a few minutes in silent thought, silent prayer, or meditation. If everyone is agreeable to aspecific thing to do during the period, that would be great. But if your group is non-denominational and notaffiliated with any specific religion, you should vote on any deviation from a period of silence. Unless it is agroup that is affiliated with a specific religion, and all members are of that religion, there shouldn’t bepressure on anyone to conform to specific religious practices - that would be missing the point of what theGolden Rule is about. If everyone in the group believes in the possibility of “God” in one way or another,it’s likely everyone would agree to ending the period of silence with a “God’s Will Be Done” affirmation.2) Positive Experience Stories - Start the meeting with creating a positive mood and direction. Thereare a couple of things you can do to get things moving the right way.

Pointing out the good things that someone did, or that you did, in the last week is a great thing tostart the meetings with. Mention to one of your friends that you noticed they did this or that, or werethoughtful, or whatever bright spot you have to pass along.

“If someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.”- Samuel Goldwyn

3) Spiritually Uplifting Reading, Movie, or Music - You may want to do some group reading fromthe workbook, or other inspirational books that everyone truly agrees upon with no peer pressure. Again, ifyou’re doing a non-denominational study group, or want to keep to the universal value of the Golden Rule,don’t choose books or passages that contribute to social or religious separation, prejudice, divisiveness, orjudgementalism. Whatever you choose for your reading, encourage members to make comments, or askquestions about the subject matter.

An occasional alternative to reading (or in addition to reading), might be watching a spirituallyinspiring movie or listening to inspiring music. If you are affiliated with a religion, they can probably provideyou with a list of their approved movies.

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It has been said that music is the closest thing to the language of God. If you have time, put on alittle inspiring music, and let it lift everyone’s spirit.

GRO has a special workbook supplements for spiritually inspiring movies and music, which includeGRO’s non-denominational recommendations. It also includes comments on the movies, and things towatch for and discuss when being viewed by a GR study group. See the GRO website, or the back of thebook to order.4) Reviewing Personal Declarations - Everyone should bring their journals, and GR Workbooks to themeetings. After the uplifting reading/entertainment, they should open their Workbooks to their PersonalDeclarations section, and review the entire contents to remind themselves of what they are doing, and theircommitments. This will obviously take a few minutes. As each person finishes reviewing the section, theyshould close their books so the group leader will know when everyone is done. Then everyone shouldbriefly state aloud:A) Why they are there.B) What their ideal and goal is. (Speak from your heart about what you want to do, the changes you wantto make for your spiritual growth and how you feel about this.)C) Ask everyone else for their input and let them know that you welcome criticism because you want to hearabout yourself, and anything that anyone might notice that you are doing or saying etc., that could bebrought up for you to work on and change.D) State their commitment.5) GR Discussion Period - Next, if anyone wants to bring up issues from their journals, they can.Remember, communication is vital - COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE! Anythingshould be able to be discussed. They can give examples of good things that may have happened,experiences with their methods of spiritual growth, insights, or problems they may have had. Then groupmembers can make comments. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!

If someone had a negative interaction with someone outside the group, that they feel wentunresolved, or want to resolve positively, they can solicit input about it from other members. Another wayto deal with such a situation is to do a reenactment of the negative interaction, having other group membersplay the roles.

For instance, let’s say Susan had an argument with a fellow employee at her office, and doesn’t feelit went well. One group member could play the role of Susan, while another member plays the role ofSusan’s co-worker. These members, who are emotionally uninvolved in the situation, could then offer avariety of perspectives and show when and where potential positive resolutions could have occurred, andmore importantly, where Susan may have been “out of line” and was behaving negatively. Once that ispointed out, Susan can say a corrective affirmation to help change whatever quality may have negativelyaffected the interaction. Then Susan can step into the role playing as herself, and act it out positively.

If Susan doesn’t “get” the points that are brought up, or agree with criticisms about her behavior,she should open her Workbook and read the contents in the Personal Declarations section to remind herselfof why she is there, what her objectives are, commitment is, and really think about WHAT IS MOREIMPORTANT, being right or wrong, or being unselfishly loving? [In fact, a page with that slogan should beprominently posted somewhere in the meeting room (page 74).] If that doesn’t do it, she can hand herWorkbook to the group leader, who can read her Personal Declarations, talk to her about it, and again askher, what is more important, being right or wrong, or being unselfishly loving. Then hopefully thedefensiveness will be dropped, and the truth accepted. But, as the old saying goes, “You can lead a horseto water, but you can’t make them drink.” All these “procedures” for helping you, aren’t going to beeffective if you don’t have the right attitude and commitment to change. Nor if you don’t COMMUNICATECOMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!

[Note: If there are unresolved disagreements between two or more members of the group, seethe next chapter “Intentional Roommate Meetings” for ideas on how to best deal with that.]

6) Open Forum, Announcements - Next, have an open forum where people can say what’s on theirminds, and get support and comments from other members.

After that, the group leader can make any necessary announcements. This would also be a goodtime to discuss ideas for promoting the Golden Rule, and any progress that has been made in that area.Spread the word! This can be done with events, flea-markets, bake sales, flyers, doing talks at local lodges,clubs, churches, etc.. Members could also promote it with things like wearing promotional T-shirts (“ThinkGolden Rule”, “Golden Rule to the Rescue”, or whatever), lapel pins, cups, posters, plaques, etc.. (We’retrying to carry some things like that for members).

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The group leader should also make announcements about networking with other members locally(and internationally through GRO). For instance, if Susan does commercial bookkeeping, and Andy runs agardening supply, they may want that announced so other members can support their businesses if theywish.

This would also be a good time for “passing a collection plate” if you’re going to accept donations,or need to collect for meeting expenses.7) Socializing - Finally, allow some time for people to speak to each other independently, and socialize.8) Till We Meet Again - End the meeting with another period of holding hands, and silence, silentprayer, or meditation. Then a big group hug!

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Chapter Twenty-Two

Intentional Roommate Meetings

As we mentioned earlier, getting “down in the trenches” with others of like-mind affords greatopportunity for change in a number of ways. And that sometimes results in disagreements and conflict.Positively dealing with things that are brought up about your selfish-side, is the goal. And if that isn’t doneimmediately when an “issue” is brought up, or a disagreement/conflict occurs (for any reason), then thebest tool to positively deal such problems is having a group meeting to discuss things and work them out.

Choosing a “Head Roommate”Can you imagine your arms and legs all trying to act independently and “do their own thing”

without coordination from your brain/mind? Every body needs a head. That applies to everything wheremore than one person is involved in functioning as a whole, from married couples and business partners, tofootball teams, corporations and even nations. Objective analysis clearly shows that group efforts workbetter with someone acting as a “head”.This applies to partners and couples just as much as larger groups. Many business partnerships havebroken up over “stalemate” disagreements in which no one has final say so. That’s why many modernbusiness partnership contracts have “buyout clauses” that require one partner to sell their share to the otherif it comes down to it. It is far more complicated with spousal relationships of course, but still, suchrelationships have broken up over a lack of one or the other partner being the “head” decision maker in thefamily. And other times they break up because of power struggles related to it.

Having a dominant head or leader can have its downside for sure. But unfortunately, until suchtime that everyone is solely coordinated by a universal/spiritual source of some kind, there will still be aneed for leaders/heads. And that applies to coordinated group efforts too. It seems to be the best “stopgap” solution. The trick is, making sure that “heads” are as “good” as possible. A beneficent “king” or“queen” can be the greatest form of leadership, asset and blessing for a country, whereas a selfish one canbe its worst nightmare. But leaders of any kind, elected or not, can be a blessing or a curse. The electionprocess is a safety valve for this, but it shouldn’t be abused by trying to get rid of someone when they arejust doing their job. In the case of a Golden Rule workgroup, be wary of wanting to get rid of a groupleader, just because they have supported valid criticism of you, or “sided” with someone else against you.Your selfish side being threatened is not a good reason to get rid of a group leader, but it is a good reasonto keep them.

The Head Intentional Roommate We already discussed choosing a leader in a study group/club scenario, but this is even more of a

critical and important role in an intentional roommate scenario. You will need to elect someone who willhave the final say so in a stalemate situation, argument, or discussion where two or more people are indisagreement. This person should be able to mediate in a positive, loving and objective way even in themidst of a heated ego battle. They will need to adhere to the contract of rules and agreements that havebeen set forth by the group in dealing with any issue/stalemate that might come up. This should be thecriteria on which someone should be chosen and if these guidelines are not followed by the mediator/leader,then you as a group will need to elect someone else. Its very important that you agree upon this and thatyou feel good about who you have chosen for this role because when you are in the middle of dealing withissues, things can get pretty heated and intense, and that’s the time when people who have selfish reasonsto resent or want the leader removed, will look for any excuse to “attack”/find fault with the person whohas been chosen to lead/mediate.

“Condemn the fault and not the actor of it.”- William Shakespeare

Calling a MeetingIntentional roommates can choose to have meetings that are regularly scheduled, regardless of if

there are any issues to bring up or not, or only when someone recognizes a need for it. Since they areliving together, it is easier to have frequent scheduled meetings (even daily, or twice daily). Other thanscheduled meetings, one could be called because someone has an announcement to make, a criticism, a

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complaint about negative behavior, a concern about a potential problem, or they need a dispute resolved.Meetings don’t need to just be about negative behavior or conflicts. It could be regarding a member’spersonal internal conflicts, struggles, doubts or difficulties. It’s the perfect forum to “get something offyour chest” and receive support, nurturing, or guidance. Meetings should also be used to discussappreciation of a positive change, or good deed.

When a meeting is called, it is best to start by going to the group leader, and explaining your reasonfor calling the meeting, and ASKING them to help. Unlike what most power hungry people think, being agood leader is often a thankless and very difficult job. They are doing you a favor out of the goodness oftheir heart, and it should be treated as such.

If a group leader is one of the parties involved in a dispute however, they need to defer to anotherperson who will function as a temporary group leader.

When having a meeting, members should bring their journals and Workbooks just as mentioned inthe study group meeting instructions given earlier. In fact, all the same things that apply to study groups,including the meetings, apply to intentional roommates also. However, since intentional roommates aremore likely to have interpersonal conflicts, we need to discuss the special methods for dealing with that in ameeting.

Creating Resolutions1) Personal Declarations - If an unresolved conflict between two members is brought up at ameeting, the two should read their own Personal Declaration sections, then hand them to each other toread - before discussing it.2) Verbalize Commitment - Then they should look at each other and verbally re-affirm that they want toreach mutual truth, rather than just defend their own position on the matter. They should verbally affirmthat the truth is more important to them than being right or wrong, and that unselfishly loving each other ismore important than being right or wrong.3) Take turns telling each side of story - Next, they should each tell their side of the story. Reasonableinterruption for clarification of facts should be allowed, but it shouldn’t turn into constant arguments.Everyone should let the other person say their piece. Then they can say theirs.4) (a) Members remind disputees about (1) loss of objectivity and (2) applying the GoldenRule. (b) Isolate the primary issue, from secondary issues. (c) Then members questiondisputees, discuss, and give more objective input. Now in almost every case, both people will bepartly right, and both partly wrong. The other members (who have no “selfish-side” involvement, and who’semotions and egos are uninvolved) should reflect on the matter. They can then offer the conflicting partiesthe truth as they see it, and the ways it should be dealt with, in the light of unselfish love. It is far easier forus to see the truth and solutions regarding other people’s arguments and problems, than it is to see ourown. That is why each one of us needs to rely on the objectivity and clarity of other members, when weourselves get “caught up” in selfishness, defensiveness, negativity, or obstinacy. It is up to the non-conflicting members to point out the aspects of who is right about what, and wrong about what, and moreimportantly, how it should be seen and dealt with using the Golden Rule.

Members should start by reminding the conflicting parties that they must UNDERSTAND and KEEPIN MIND during the meeting, that they have probably lost their objectivity. That they each probably thinkonly THEY are right, and the other is WRONG. They need to admit to themselves first, and then to themembers at the meeting, that there is a very good chance they are at least partly wrong, if not entirely.They need to really WANT to see THEIR OWN fault, and change it, rather than focusing on the part of thefault that lies with the other person. Otherwise, nothing will get accomplished, nothing will get resolved, nogrowth will take place, and unselfish love will be replaced by a “grudge” or various negative emotions andwalls. But if this process is done correctly, and applying the Golden Rule is made the priority to anger,envy, jealousy, etc., then unselfish love will become stronger.

In many cases, what will happen is the original problem, gets confused with, and mixed in with, asecondary problem. Consider the following fictitious example. Let’s say John reminded Mary that it was herturn to do the dishes, and pointed out that she had been avoiding it every time it was her turn. Maryreacted negatively, became irritated, and disagreed, arguing she hadn’t been avoiding it every time it was herturn, and that John was just “being negative”. And the fact is, John WAS “being negative” - because hewaited to bring it up to Mary until the issue had “bugged him” for a while. So rather than bringing it up“matter-of-factly”, positively, the first time he noticed it, he only did so when he reached a “negativitythreshold” and “snapped”. John didn’t bring it up until his “irritation” over the issue “built up” over time,making it a bigger problem than it really was in his thoughts and feelings. By then, he was quite perturbed,so he brought up the issue to her with a negative, mildly hostile “charge” behind it.

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Let’s say this issue between John and Mary never got resolved positively, and it gets brought up at ameeting. What should happen?

First, they need to separate “attitude” issues, from factual issues. In other words, people shouldNEVER use the “tone”/attitude of the person who brings an issue up to them, as an excuse to ignore whatis being brought up. This is a common “scape goat” the selfish-side tries to use all the time. So we havefound that when doing meetings, the first thing to do is isolate the two issues. That doesn’t mean thatJohn’s negative attitude should be ignored, because if he isn’t being unselfishly loving, and he wants to be,he needs help with that. But it does mean that John’s attitude should only be dealt with AFTER the primaryissue is totally resolved and over with. Otherwise such “back and forth” issues would never end and neverget resolved. So first, Mary needs to deal with what John brought up, regardless of whether John was ascreaming jerk, or sweet as pie about it. The other members need to get involved with their perceptions.What is the truth about being lazy regarding the dishes every time it was Mary’s turn? In conflict situations,things often get exaggerated by the “accuser” and often get “under rated” by the accused. So likely, Marydoes have a tendency to ignore her chores, but doesn’t do it EVERY TIME. There’s that partly right, partlywrong thing again. Secondly, at the time John originally brought that up to Mary, she should have admittedthat she did have that tendency (if true), thanked John for bringing it to her attention, said a positiveaffirmation like “I am always positive, responsible and unselfishly loving” and got going on it. The membersmust try and help Mary see that, realize it, and deal with it.5) Resolving the Primary issue - If Mary eventually accepts the members’ input, and realizes she waswrong, she can apologize and do an affirmation. After that is a “done deal”, then, and only then, the issueof John’s negative attitude can be brought up and dealt with. But before we get into that example, let’s dealwith what would happen if Mary didn’t accept the truth from the other members.

First, Mary should be reminded of what she is doing there, and what she has expressed as her goal.She should be asked if she wants to get to the truth, or just “be right”. She should be asked if she is feelingunselfish love towards John. Does she want to become a more loving person, and develop her Golden Rulevirtues, or just “be right”? If that still gets nowhere, the uninvolved members could try role playing, onetaking Mary’s role, and one taking John’s. They can play out the bad behavior first, to see if Mary“gets it”,and then play out what should have occurred if Mary was being positive.6) Resolving the Secondary Issue - Now after the issue of Mary’s behavior has been absolutelyresolved (meaning she really “got it”, saw the error of her behavior and apologized to John, and said apositive affirmation to herself), then we can deal with John’s attitude issue.

First, John should have it pointed out that he should communicate better, and bring things upsooner, rather than letting things build up and get negative. Secondarily, he should be reminded that thereis never a good enough reason to get negative. He should be reminded that he should care about others, beunselfishly loving, and bring things up to others with the desire to help. He should be reminded that if youcriticize positively, with love in your heart, you will often get a better response. Depending on his attitudeand response, the same steps used above to help Mary, could be used to help John.

Another thing that often happens, is people retaliate. For instance, let’s say Mary is holding aconscious or subconscious grudge about John bringing up the dishes thing. So she looks for anopportunity to bring something up about him. Not to help him grow. Not because she loves him. Notbecause it’s best. Not because she is trying to help him change by giving him constructive criticism, butbecause she just wants to get back at him. Obviously, that’s not good. So what to do?

Well, a grudge criticism is virtually the same as the above dishes issue in which John was negativewhen he brought up the dishes to Mary. So it should be treated in the same way. In other words, it doesnot matter if the reason someone is bringing something up to you is out of retaliation or not. Truth is truth.It’s either true or not. You need to deal with the issue. Then, only after the initial issue is totally done beingdealt with, you should deal with the grudge problem, and help them get back on track with criticizing out oflove and a desire to help, rather than a desire to hurt or retaliate.7) Unresolved disputes being deferred to the group leader for a decision - If all else fails,disputees’ Workbooks should be handed to the group leader to moderate. They can remind the partiesinvolved of their ideals, goals, and commitments, and make a final determination of the matter to resolve it.To accept the group leader’s decision, if it is one you don’t like, takes humility. If you have a problem withthat, ask yourself, is the leader’s decision one that harms you or anyone else? If not, what can you lose?Even if they are wrong, ask yourself what you are losing, other than pride? If someone can’t resolve adispute themself, or with the help of members, or be willing to take the group leader’s decision with a trulygood positive attitude, then they’ve decided to make defending their ego more important than growing andapplying the Golden Rule, and they shouldn’t even be pretending to “try”. There may be struggle, butultimately there is only doing, or not doing. Choosing to be humble and loving, or defensive and selfish.

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8) End with holding hands, whatever prayer/meditation/affirmation you choose, and hugs. Leave thingson a positive uplifting note.

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Chapter Twenty-Three

Family/Spouse Issues

We all know that living with a spouse can be a wonderful thing, or it can be a nightmare. In fact thevast majority of murders are based on domestic arguments. But if you have shared ideals, and worktogether, your spouse can be the closest and most valuable “team” member you have for accomplishingyour goals. If not, it can be the greatest detriment to your accomplishing your goals. What spouses makeof their relationship, is all up to them. Do you want to keep your spouse down, or support their spiritualgrowth?

If you and your spouse want to work with each other on applying the Golden Rule in your lives, youare essentially Golden Rule “intentional roommates” and can use that program. But spousal relationshipshave more complex issues, so let’s look at some of those.

Some say problems between men and women occur because they have inherently different natures. There’s no question that they have different natures, ways of thinking and behaving (“operatingsystems”) but that’s not the true reason why they have relationship problems. The different natures canactually be a wonderful and complimentary thing, when in balance through applying unselfish love.Regardless of the nature of your “operating systems”, each human being is a mixture of both male andfemale elements also. It is really quite complicated, but quite simple if you apply the Golden Rule.

Besides having different natures (which are often not understood), men and women have differentprogramming that creates more differences and separation than those that are naturally inherent. Both thenatural differences, and the programmed differences, need to be examined, and dealt with.

The real root of any relationship problem, not just male/female ones, has nothing to do with yoursex. It has to do with the same thing we’ve been talking about throughout this book. The real root of theproblem is still just selfishness, and the cure (as opposed to a band-aid temporary fix) is still unselfish love.

First, let’s look at programming. We all have cultural programming that handicaps us and broadensthe gap between the sexes. The following may be oversimplified, and is full of generalities, but it’s basicallytrue. Keep in mind that while cultural programming creates its own beliefs and behaviors, it also combineswith the inherent male and female natures to make all kinds of new deviations.

Both men and women get a lot of negative programming, but when it comes to relationship skills,men probably get the worst of it. Men are overtly and covertly programmed to repress their feelings. Theyare “not allowed” to even have feelings, let alone share them with someone. “Big boys don’t cry” is oftenverbally or silently conveyed in some way, to male toddlers. “Be a man”, is heard or intimated consistently.But what does it mean to be a man? To be tough (insensitive), and repress your feelings? To be awomanizer? To have dirty fingernails? Play and watch competitive sports? Drink and drive?

At the very least, most men are made to feel ashamed to be truly sensitive or express their feelings,so they swallow them, lock them away, and try to be “numb”. Is it any wonder that when they come homefrom work they don’t want to “talk” with their spouse?

On top of that most men don’t understand a woman’s feeling-based thinking or their need to talk.Between that and negative programming, they don’t relate to women as friends (in the same way they relateto men). The gap is so great that often, men end up believing women are just something they must “learnto live with”, to get what they need or want from them.

Besides being natural emotionally based thinkers, women are often programmed to think andbehave in irrationally emotional, “helpless”, and “lazy brained” manners. They also don’t relate to a man’sway of thinking, and generally don’t relate to men as friends (in the same way they do with other women).Other than having their own bad experiences with selfish (and badly programmed) men, they also oftenreceive programming that men are insensitive selfish pigs, to be tolerated in exchange for their needs orwants.

Even if we never actually hear such things being said, we all pick up on it as children anyway. Wesee it in the behaviors of those around us, and pick up on the non-verbal messages and clues.

The Real CulpritRegardless of the various reasons that men and women are so different, the one thing that all

people definitely have in common, regardless of sex, race, age or background, is selfishness -separateness. When a person becomes unselfishly loving, the lack of understanding and connectionbetween the sexes, and between spouses, “miraculously” disappears.

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Jealousy is one of the most insidious “branches” of selfishness. A high percentage of the murderand domestic violence rate we mentioned above, stems from jealousy. People sometimes want their spouseto be a bit jealous. They think it means they love them. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Whensomeone is jealous, they can’t be simultaneously loving. The two things can’t co-exist. Rather than loving,a jealous person is being selfish, possessive, and uncaring. Yes, they are exhibiting that they “care” whetheror not they lose you as their possession, but they aren’t showing that they “care” about YOU. They are notexhibiting their love, they are exhibiting a terrible addiction.

Possessing, having control of, getting attention and energy from another human, is probably thestrongest, most destructive addiction humans face. Possessiveness is what you get when you are “hooked onthat “drug”. And when anything threatens this powerful addiction, threatens the addict’s “drug”, theaddict’s “fix”, the reaction is negative and destructive - that’s jealousy. It can be relatively mild, sure. But itcan quickly become severe. And even the mild reactions are a poison to real love in a relationship, and onlyserves to further separation between spouses. To “toy” with having that in a relationship, is to toy withinsanity, and like a drug addict thinking they’re using a harmless drug, how many steps is it from thebeginning of that insanity, to emotional violence, physical violence, and murder. So before toying with it, orthinking it’s “cute” or a sign of love, you should think long and hard about all the horrific abuse that jealousyhas caused. And it isn’t just violence that it causes. It is one of the major destroyers of relationships. Thereare many other “relationship diseases” too, of course, but they have one common cure - Pure love.

Unfortunately, mimicking having Pure love is sometimes taken as being a solution for having a“good relationship”. Men and women are sometimes taught to pretend to be understanding, considerate,and caring. They may learn to just “go through the motions” and “say the right things”. People learn tojust fake caring and understanding by performing particular behaviors that will “win” the approval of theirspouse. But does it matter if you don’t really feel it? Should you fake it for the sake of the relationship, toget something you want for yourself, or to avoid having an argument? Should you just go through themotions because you might just get rewarded or get what you want? Doesn’t it matter whether or not youreally are caring and FEEL caring? It depends on what you want. If you want a fake outcome, use fakecaring methods and go through the motions. If you want “the real thing” in a relationship, then do the realthing, think the real thing, be the real thing. Applying the Golden Rule might lose you a fake or shallowrelationship, and gain you a true one. It’s your choice.

Let’s look at an example of this. A man and a woman both come home from work. He plunkshimself down in front of the TV in the den. He doesn’t want to talk to or listen to his wife, he just wants towatch TV and have a beer. The wife wants to spend time talking and maybe share a little affection. The“quick fake relationship fix” might be for him to “go through the motions” of asking her how her day wentand to see what he can do for her, he might even give her a hug and offer to take out the trash. But if heonly does this because he wants to keep things peaceful, get something, or to avoid the relationship hasslesof not doing it, what do you have? Two robots cohabitating? Two zombies going through the motions ofbeing alive? That reduces the relationship to basically nothing more than some kind of mutually selfish deal(unfortunately, many are). “I’ll do this for you IF you do this for me”.

The fake fix for the wife might be to “let him have his space”. But inside, if she isn’t doing thatbecause she had Pure love for him, she will be seething. And that buildup of negativity will come outsomeway, someday.

Even if you take the fake approach to fixing your relationship, and get it to work for a while, it can’tlast. Because the nature of the selfish-side self will always ruin it. Either one person won’t give enough, orgive when the other wants it, or the other will get too demanding, or whatever. One person will getnegative with the other, then the other person will retaliate - and then it will “snowball”. How long would aman like that keep up a “good” behavior if he didn’t get what he was wanting in return from his partner?And vice-versa. Not too long. [The reverse roles apply also]. The Golden Rule can fix things if both parties really want to apply it. A little real Pure love,unselfishness and caring go a long way. If a spouse will just be tolerant, understanding, and caring abouttheir partner’s nature and programming, and help them work through it, it can all change- on either side ofthe fence.

Again, an important thing to remember is that you can’t change the other person. YOU CANONLY CHANGE YOU. Trying to influence them by “talking them into something”, or with some form ofspousal “bribery”, “nagging”, or “force”, might get you some kind of temporary results, but certainly not afix. Once you have changed yourself to be more unselfishly loving, then you will be automatically offering atrue opportunity for your spouse to change. And maybe they’ll change, or maybe you’ll find out yourspouse only wants to remain selfish. Either way, it affords the opportunity for a positive change away fromliving like selfish loveless zombies.

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The bottom line is that if you are doing certain things in order to get something, you are still justfunctioning in the “me” zone - and that can only lead to problems eventually. Truly loving one another andreally caring is the only way to resolve and heal difficulties that come up between spouses.

Tempered ToleranceWhat is needed is a blend of tolerance to the human weaknesses and flaws of our partner(s),

combined with a sincere desire to be a benefit to that other person spiritually. You must be careful not tostart thinking tolerance means supporting negative behavior. Co-dependent relationships aren’t good foranyone. What do I mean by that? Most all relationships are based on both individual, and mutually selfishobjectives. Unfortunately, the Golden Rule is usually absent, and they often lack caring for the other personand their growth as a human being. Hence such relationships become great stagnation pools and vehiclesfor strengthening the selfish and weak side of a person, and both partners can stay together for the wrongreasons, and continue to foster negative behavior.

Picture a woman who feels like her mate cares so little about her that he would rather watch TVthan spend quality time communicating with her or sharing some romance together or whatever. Shelearns to tolerate what he wants to do because she knows that she can’t change him (even though she wouldlike to) and she learns to just put up with his behavior. This is an exchange. A bad exchange. She gives upthat intimacy and communication to an extent, in order to get other things out of the relationship. Thisgoes both ways. He doesn’t like her as a person, doesn’t understand her, they have no interests incommon, nothing to really talk about, but she takes care of him. He tolerates her to an extent, in order toget other things out of the relationship. This can be a very miserable situation for both people.

The fact that you’re reading this workbook means that you are inclined to be giving and consideratealready. At least you value those traits. Given that fact, you may be more likely to put up withbad/unhealthy behaviors from your spouse, imagining that you are being a good person.

Good Bad ExampleI know a lady who lived with a man who was an abusive alcoholic for many many years. She “stuck

with him” to supposedly try and help him, and maintain a better economic lifestyle for the children. Shehad two children, and by sticking with him, she also forced them to be subjected to his abuse. The childrenof course, have the associated scars now. She played the part of the brave, caring, supportive wife andmother, working and trying to hold things together, paying the bills when he was not able to work becauseof the alcoholism. She thought she was the “good guy”. Years later, she would say that she did it becauseshe felt it was the caring and “evolved” thing to do. She didn’t want to “hurt” him by leaving him. Bystaying with him, she facilitated his problems. She actually hurt him, herself and her children directly. Andthe ripple effect magnifies the mistake from there.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:1) Does your relationship serve your weaknesses or your spouse’s negative side?2) Why are you together?3) Why do you tolerate/allow the things that you allow? Selfish reasons? Is it because of fear of being alone,attachment, possessiveness, monetary gain, insecurity, etc? (Those factors almost always figure into theformula.)4) Would you continue to function in your relationship in the same way that you do currently if your onlyconcern was helping that person grow/become a better person?5) Would certain things that you allow currently, become unacceptable, if your own attachments and selfinterests were no longer tipping the scales?6) Would you be encouraging/promoting certain things in the relationship that you are not currentlyencouraging, if your own attachments and self interest were no longer tipping the scales?7) Is your mate your friend?

Those are all great questions to ask yourself periodically. And if you answer honestly andobjectively, then look at the answers honestly and objectively also, they can give you a good picture of yourmotives, and what your relationship is based on. The motives could be all selfish or all caring, but for manypeople, they’re a blend of the two.

If your answers to the questions are things like, “The sex is great.”, “I need to have someone in mylife.”, or, “There’s a lot that I’d do differently if I were primarily concerned about my partner’s well beingand my own well being,” etc., you need to take a sober look at what you are doing, why you are doing itand if you need to make some changes.

No one else can give you “true happiness”, or “make you happy” in any real and lasting manner.Sure- someone can do something that will lift your spirits or please you temporarily - but that’s not what I’mtalking about. I’m talking about an overall consistent personal demeanor. If you’re a “down” person, it’s a

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condition of yours, not the fault of someone else. If you want to be happy, you must make yourself ahappy person first, not hinge it on someone else. Likewise, you can’t make anyone else really happy. Iffact, a common co-dependent/abusive relationship argument that’s used to keep a partner from leaving, is,“But if you leave I’ll just go to pieces.”, or “If you leave I won’t be able to stop drinking.”, etc.. Going backto studies of addictive behavior again, and programs to help an addict, we know such arguments don’t holdwater. There comes a time when people can only help themselves, and if you support someone’s negativebehavior in anyway because of your own selfish needs/desires, you are hurting them.

Ideally, people should be partners for the sake of mutual reinforcement of their dreams and ideals,to nourish and support each other in positive constructive ways - to strengthen each other’s good side. Thatstarts with each partner taking personal responsibility for making positive changes THEN getting thesupport of another.

You may say, “Well, my spouse is not interested in being a better person.” That can be quite adilemma. At that point, perhaps you should go over the list of questions above again. Then if you still feelthat you should be in the relationship for some good reason, decide what are acceptable and nonacceptable behaviors based on whether or not such behaviors are good for that person and the peoplearound them - including you. Then you could have a meeting, or see a professional counselor if you wantto.

If a particular behavior is not productive or constructive, one needs to lovingly say something aboutit and if necessary, take loving action to help create a change. If you use that formula, you can avoid thetrap of simply becoming a “complainer” or “nag”. The big problem with just complaining and naggingalone, is that it isn’t coupled with action. You see that problem in parent-child relationships, too. Let’s saya child is doing something that they shouldn’t do. If the parent keeps saying, “No, no, no....”, and the childis accustomed to being told “no” repeatedly before action is taken, or that no real action will be taken, youdon’t get positive results. If “no” is consistently followed by loving disciplinary action, then it getssomewhere. Dealing with a spouse by just complaining or nagging has proven to be ineffective also. Itmight work in some instances, in a temporary or superficial way. But the greater effect is opposite of whatis desired, because it “numbs” the person to listening, and also pushes them further away. So it’s best to sitdown and communicate clearly to each other about things and then if something is deemed serious enoughto require action, you need to positively, lovingly act. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’tdo “posturing”, or play games. After words have done their job, let actions speak for you.

This is sort of a paradox I suppose, but if you are working on applying the Golden Rule, you cantake advantage of someone nagging you. Living with a nag can offer you some great chances for growthand self examination. You are likely to be receiving a steady flow of criticism and input. That’s better thanliving with someone who never makes a peep, even when you’re being out of line. All of that informationthey give you can be very useful if you aren’t defensive and can sift out the good criticism from the bad. Ifyou can honestly take a look at it and use the pearls you find amongst the manure, you can really makesome good headway. Your partner will probably notice your openness and the changes you are making andmost likely acquire a new respect for you. Who knows, maybe it will even catch on and they’ll start makingimprovements too!

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of Wisdom.”- Thomas Jefferson

Use of Communication in Relationships(It’s so Funny How We Don’t Talk Anymore)

Most of us have observed a relationship “headed for the rocks”. The worse things get in arelationship, the worse communication gets. But it works the other way too - the worse communicationgets in a relationship, the worse the relationship gets. When communication shuts down completely, it iseither a death blow for the relationship, or it means the relationship is dead.

It starts with people withdrawing into themselves, withholding what they’re internally feeling andthinking. Often each person feels that the other doesn’t care about their feelings, thoughts or needs (whichmay be true). Attempts to communicate may frequently end in frustration or argument. Walls go up, brickby brick. Separation grows and it isn’t long before the gulf between them has grown unpassable.

I’ve seen married couples who never talk about anything at all. No small talk, no communicationabout what happened to them that day, and no serious “deeper” conversations either. They can’t even talkabout the simplest of things, let alone complicated interpersonal issues. What they need is caringcommunication. Sitting down and talking about what’s on their minds, and listening, really listening, toeach other. Unfortunately, it’s often too late for that.

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If people agree that they want to grow, and grow closer, they must eliminate the separationsbetween them. And one of the ways to accomplish that is through communication. But if it doesn’t startwith the Golden Rule, with caring about the other person, not even communication will help.

If you feel like withdrawing into yourself and shutting off your spouse or others, or you see/feelsomeone else doing it, call a meeting immediately. Communicate. Get things out in the open andremember that any problem can be solved with enough unselfish love and honesty. Also keep in mind thatmore often than not, problems involve both sides or all sides. It’s not about blaming someone, it’s aboutresolving issues that have come between us and each other, between us and our own love. With thisapproach we can bring the openness and love back into relationships and help each other rather than hurt.

Spouse SummaryIf you want to get things on a positive footing, start by having a meeting with your spouse. Find out

if they are on the same “wavelength” as you, and if they want to work on applying the Golden Rule in theirlife, both with your relationship, and with others. If so, do the same things laid out in the “IntentionalRoommating” program. Decide the parameters of both the “house rules”, and your “relationship rules”.

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Chapter Twenty-four

Creating Your Individual Daily Golden Rule Program

The suggestions below are things that you may choose to do as a part of your program of improvement.

Daily GR Program Schedule (suggestions only). For those living and working with others of like-mind. (for your convenience we’ve created a daily checklist you can copy. (See page 76)

1. Wake up & write down dreams (pg.19)2. Do morning affirmations and read them where you have posted them (pg.33)3. If you are living with other people who want to help you with your GR program, have a brief morningmeeting, and ask them to help you by pointing things out to you. (pg.22)4. Sometime during lunchtime, do your personal affirmation(s), OR:At __minute intervals throughout the day, stop whatever you are doing and thinking, and mentally checkyourself to see if you are directing your thoughts to achieving your goal of the week and living up to yourideal. After that, silently say to yourself, your chosen affirmation of the day/week. Use a portable alarmclock, or the MotivAider (special silent vibrating timer) to help with this. (pg.57)5. (Afternoon or after work?) Meditation/Prayer/Affirmation Recording.6. (Evening?) Have a meeting with other GRO people if possible.7. If you have time, read enlightening literature, listen to inspiring music or watch an uplifting movie, etc.8. Log the day in your Journal. How did you do at living up to your ideal? What good did you do? Whatcould have been done better? Did you handle a situation or stress positively or more positively thanpreviously? Were you feeling love all day? Re-live the day in your mind, correcting anything that wentwrong.9. (Going to sleep) Pre-sleep affirmations (pg. 33)

SUMMARY OF THE MOST IMPORTANT POINTS OF THE BOOK1. Selfishness is the root of all our problems, hence un-selfishness is the solution.2. You can only change yourself.3. Ask yourself, “What would So and So do?” (Someone you consider to be a great spiritual leader- Jesus,Buddha, etc.)4. Communication is of paramount importance.5. Tolerance is good.6. Nobody’s perfect.7. Continually reminding yourself of what is really important to you in life will help you live your life moreconstructively and fully.8. Live and conduct yourself as if this is your last day of life.

Doing all these things to help you apply the Golden Rule in your life, will take some time. If that isa problem, you just need to ask yourself a couple of questions. What’s it worth to you? What are you doingwith the rest of your time?

Many people complain that they can’t possibly spend that much time doing it. They say they havejobs, and/or families, and they have to make a living and survive in the world, unlike having the luxury ofbeing in a monastery. So let’s look at the realities of that.

If you truly absolutely don’t have the time to do the full schedule as presented here, that’s OK. Butif you have a constructive, positive attitude towards it, then you can create an alternative schedule.ANYthing is better than nothing. And maybe there are ways to make extra time that you haven’t thoughtabout yet. We’ll get back to that in a moment, but first, I should dispel some misconceptions about “theluxury” of being in a monastery.

I can’t speak for all monasteries, but I don’t know of any “free ride” or “easy living” ones that justlet you sit on your butt all day. In ours, I worked the equivalent of two full-time “outside world”, “realworld”, “real life” type of jobs, PLUS did 8 hours of spiritual work. I got very little sleep, and at that, itwasn’t daily sleep. But that’s how important it was to me. Now if it’s not as much of a priority in your life,or you really can’t make the time, that’s fine. Just be honest about it, and don’t be angry or envious ofothers for having or making the time.

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Most people just don’t prioritize and realize how much they can do if they really, really want to, andwhat they can skip in their normal routines. So let’s look at and consider a few ideas.

First and most obvious is, do you really need as much sleep as you take? We aren’t suggesting yougo without what you need by any means. Just think about whether or not you take more than you need.Next, think about other fruitless time you might be spending that might be able to go. The average personcould do the entire schedule just by cutting out TV alone. If you really put your mind to it, you’ll come upwith your own ideas for how to re-arrange what you spend your time on, and how to save time on what youmust do. Here is a list of just a few areas you might be able to streamline or eliminate to make time forhigher priorities (obviously they don’t apply to everyone):TVMoviesEating OutSports“Hanging out”/or “shooting the breeze” on the phone or email.Meals - can they be more simple for less cooking/cleaning time? Can someone else prepare your meals soyou have more time? Could you do more “crock pot” meals of soups/rice, or make large bags of pre-madesalads, etc.?PartiesReading - do you read books/magazines that don’t help improve your life or are otherwise unnecessary?Shopping - like carpools, shopping can sometimes be shared/turns taken. Many cities even have on-lineinternet shopping and delivery available now.Entertainment

Then if that isn’t enough, just customize a schedule, and do what you can. Remember, this is all upto you, we aren’t trying to influence you to change the above things in your life, just giving ideas for thosewho actually WANT to make working on the Golden Rule a higher priority. But once you decide what youcan do, and make a schedule, remember that commitment to your own plan, and consistency, are vital.

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My daily affirmation is:

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Desire Addictions Awareness List1

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Blocks/Dislikes/Fears Addictions Awareness List

1

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I WANT TO SEETHE POINT OF VIEW

OF OTHERS.

I WANT TO SEE THE

BIG PICTURE.

Signature

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COMMUNICATE!

AM I CLEARLYEXPRESSING

MYSELF?

AM I REALLYLISTENING?

Signature

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I WANT TO DOANYTHING

I NEED TO DO

Signature

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I WANT TO SEE ALLMY FLAWS ANDTHE TRUTH SO ICAN GROW AS A

PERSON.

Signature

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WHAT AM IDOING HERE?

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I WANT MY“EGO BUSTED”

AND I WANTCRITICISM

Signature

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Personal Ideal, Goal, and Commitment Contract

1) The kind of world I would like to live in, would be like:

2) In order to fit into the kind of world I would like to live in, I need to be:

3) The person I consider a good example for my personal ideal is:

4) In order to become like my ideal, I am becoming (list the qualities andtraits you idealize):

5) My goals are:

6) In order to accomplish the above ideals and goals, I am (in this area, writedown what you are going to do, like prayer/meditation [and how much orhow many times a day], doing affirmations, yoga, asking others to point outyour faults so you can improve yourself, etc..):

7) I have decided to change my life in this way, and hereby make anabsolute commitment to work on the above ideals and goals as hard as I can,and to change myself accordingly.

Signed_________________________ Date:__________________

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Golden Rule InterpersonalCommitment Statement

For (name):___________________

My goal for working with others of like-mind is to:

I am participating in this Golden Rule workgroup because:

I give my solemn promise:To be open, honest with myself;To want, and accept criticism positively;To look at criticism objectively and honestly;To only give criticism for the purpose of helping others, not hurtingthem;I agree that mutually finding the truth, is more important than mebeing right or wrong about any issue;I agree that me being unselfishly loving, is more important than anyissue, or me being right or wrong about any issue.

Signed__________________________ Date:__________________

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I Can OnlyChange My Self

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WHAT IS MOREIMPORTANT,being right or

wrong or beingunselfishly loving?

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Am I FeelingUnselfishly

Loving?

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