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Cover page
The Legend never dies
I present to you the greatest thing I Ever did Read
Pictures found on Google images
Title page The Greatest Thing I Ever Did Read
2012-2013
Author- Jared Johnson
Freelance Publishing
Huntsville Arkansas
May 10, 2013
Table of Contents
Dedication page page 1
Why I write stories about wizards page 2
Part one:
The Wizard who can`t be deterred. Page 2
The Wizard who shot the sheriff page 6
The Wizard who had no name page 8
The Wizard who had a names page 10
Why I write entertaining stories page 11
Part two:
Mega Ultra Chicken page 11
Solair of Astoria page 13
The Gatekeepers Warning page 14
The Willy of Legend page 15
Cereal heroes page 16
Page 1
Random Encounters With a Hagel page 17
Why I find 15 second stories so fun page 18
Part three:
Let’s go yeast watching page 18
Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc. Page 18
Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels page 19
Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles page 19
Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar page 20
Cosmic dance of bursting decadence page 20
And the winner of the dedication is…
I would like to dedicate this entire work to a few people. One person being Solid Snake,
had he not existed then I don’t think I could have been objective enough to write any of this.
Also, many thanks are to be received by the one known as Gandalf. That guy is the best
Page 2 Part 1
I write stories about wizards because wizards are amazing. I decided to dedicate this
entire section to them, and they demonstrate the three things that make books good, but are
never used. Those three things being: abruptness, action, and a main character that can one
shot everyone. Now please, enjoy.
The Wizard Who Cannot be deterred
Through the dim light of the Dream Realms black sun, The Wizard trudged to the
peak of Kalagin`s Mountain. At last after so many long, long minutes, he had arrived at
the Dream Realm. At last, he could unlock the power of infinite knowledge.
Let us go back to the beginning of this story, when the wizard was brought forth
into this world. Many moons ago, under a dark sun on the brink of ultimate damnation of
the Earth Realm rose a creature. This creature is known as a pelgeon. The pelgeon are
fickle creatures who aren’t born, but simply wake up somewhere. This specific pelgeon
had awoken in the garden of a castle, and already the kings guard were on their way to
investigate. This pelgeon was green like the grass and leaves, and it had things upon its
head that appeared to be circles. It is at this point that he exploded. From his corpse
arose a mystical wizard. As the guards approached the scene a voice spoke out to them
saying, “Beware his power, Unspeakable power.” But the words were drug on to sound
more like, “Beeeeeware his poweeeers, Unspeakable poweeeeeers.” The wizard
brought forth his staff and cast upon the guards a spell of great power. At once all the
guards stopped and bowed to him allowing him easy access to the castle. The wizard,
cloaked in a black robe of the finest cloth in all the land, walked into the Duke`s manse.
The Duke was consulting his scriber when the wizard walked in. The Duke demanded at
once that he state his name, but all he received as a reply was, “I am The Wizard.” And
those were the last words heard by the Dukes living ears, as The Wizard had cast forth
a spell of time freezing the Duke forever in place beside his scriber who was also
frozen. In a single night The Wizard had destroyed the greatest kingdom ever to exist,
and brought forth the age of dark. The Wizard had to now go to Kalagin`s Mountain,
where this story began.
Page 3
Page 4 The Wizard had reached the Dream Realm and was now going to reach
the top of Kalagin`s Mountain so that he could gain infinite knowledge, and then go
defeat the sky. This is what the prophecy said. This is why the legendary Pelonal
Whitestrake defeated Galgahin and his evil army. Had he not done that then The
Wizard would have had to, and not have been the being of darkness he is now. The
Wizard reached the top of Kalagin`s Mountain, and was greeted by the gaze of a
creature known as a jelgenha. The jelgenha brought forth a mighty spell of thunder to
cut down The Wizard, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha summoned the
Stones of Grelgenla, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha called forth a great
fire from the pits of Aswacavar, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha blew forth
a sinister wind from the Canyon of Oplegniha, but The Wizard was undeterred. Before
the jelgenha had a chance to regain its lost power, The Wizard conjured up a portal to
the great lava pits of Esgramir where the jelgenha burned to death quickly. The Wizard
continued on to the peak of the mountain. At the top he saw the guardian of infinite
knowledge. The Wizard stepped forward and spoke to the guardian. In moments he had
Page 5
all the knowledge that would ever exist and all that had ever existed. With this
knowledge he teleported to the sky, and killed it with a single mighty blow. This caused
the sky which oft is looked upon to tumble and fall, and the mountain, which he found
the knowledge on, to crumble to the sea. Then The Wizards quest was done, and he
had nothing left to do in life.
The end.
This story was inspired by The Looney Tunes` Daffy Duck the Wizard
page 6
The wizard who shot the sheriff
The wizard did not care at all about how the city would fare without its sheriff. All
he knew was that he had to shoot the sheriff with his magic missile. After that he could
figure out the rest. The sheriff was a vile man who deserved to die. The wizard walked
through the small village until he saw his target, the saloon. The wizard walked into the
saloon, his heart beating the suspense incredulous, and his staff throbbing. He stepped
in and instantly started shooting everyone in the saloon with magic missiles. It probably
wouldn’t help to kill the sheriff if he killed everyone in the city as well, but oh well. Turns
out at that moment the sheriff was running from the wizard, and was 300 yards outside
the saloon. The wizard found out and gave chase. He grew tired of running so just shot
him down like the rest, but with this one he loaded the body in his wagon. You see this
wizard was a bounty hunter, and as a bounty hunter he sells dead bodies for money. A
bounty hunter is basically a law man, except he hunts people down and sells their
bodies. After the wizard loaded the sheriff’s body on the cart he set off for the appraiser.
Page 7
The appraiser is what the wizard called the man who made sure the bodies were
genuine and the right person. After he made sure of that he bought it, buried it or
something and told the government he was dead.
This story was inspired by the movie Django Unchained
Page 8
the wizard who had no name
The man who many called a wizard walked through the town. Nobody knew his
name, and only a few could recognize him. This man walked toward the saloon and
planned on going in to have a drink. He walked in and the bartender asked him, “what`ll
ya have?” to which he replied, “Water.” The bartender just smiled at him and said, “Ok”
and he went to get the man some water. Some fellows in the corner walked up and
started kicking the mick out of him. You see now the man didn’t like this, so he pulled
his gun and shot them. Each one had a bullet in their foot and were yelling at the top of
their lungs. The bartender came back with a tall glass of water, and instead of asking
what happened he kicked out the people from the corner and told them never to come
back. The man drank his water and left the saloon and town and went to the desert,
where he met a man named Tuco who had been looking for a stash of gold in a
graveyard. When the man told him that he knew what grave to look in, out came a man.
Page 9
Let’s call him The Bad. He held up his gun and said, “Now I know about the treasure
and I also know that you two fellers know where its at. So I want you to tell me or ill
shoot.”
“Don’t do that, or you will never find it.” Said the man with no name. The Bad saw his
point and realized he was right, so he lowered his gun. Then he was shot and died.
After that the man told Tuco to start digging a grave, and he started at once. Once Tuco
found the gold he was so happy, until the man pulled out a noose. He told Tuco to stand
on a rotting wooden gravestone. He put the noose around his neck, took four gold bags
and was off on his horse. Tuco wasn’t dead yet, but he could easily slip and it didn’t
help that he was angry and screaming. After about five minutes of sitting there trying not
to slip and die, the rope was shot by the man with no name.
The end
This story was inspired by the movie The Good The Bad and The Ugly, and the wizard
with no name was Clint Eastwood
page 10
the wizard who had a name
There was an old wizard who had a name. His name was Gaznamar. He was the
most powerful wizard ever to live or exist in any way ever. He could do anything, and
even his dead corpse could do anything. It was all because of his name. The name
Gaznamar means all powerful wizard that is all but nothing. That means he was
anything except nothing, which means he couldn’t be nothing. That was his challenge in
his eternal life/death. Gaznamar found little joy in fun things, and this made him a boring
person. Eventually Gaznamar accomplished his challenge, but it wasn’t worth it to him
for in the end he had no fun. There is a moral to this story, and it is if you don’t have fun
you waste your time.
The end
This story was inspired by boredom, for boredom is the root of creativity
Page 11
Part 2
I enjoy writing stories solely for entertainment rather than just boredom or
because a book was terrible. These stories I write are because other people wish to
hear something funny.
Mega ultra-chicken
And that’s when it happened, the most extraordinary thing ever. The train drove
up. I was utterly amazed, but there was a catch. The train was missing absolutely
nothing. That’s how amazing it was. Not only did the train show up, but it was standard
issue. The awesomeness of this slipped me into the Twilight Zone. Even if the sky
which we look upon were to tumble and fall, or the mountain crumble to the sea; I
wouldn’t cry, no I would not shed a tear. Just as long as that train would stand, stand by
me. And that’s when it happened. Out of nowhere came Mega Ultra Chicken, and said
to me. “Run, I dare you I double dare you puny human, run from the fire coming out of
Page 12
my mouth.” I knew the only way I could survive would be to leg it. I also knew that if I
were to defeat Mega Ultra Chicken, I would find The Ecstasy of Gold on his corpse. I
decided to do both. I summoned forth a giant cow and a giant salt lick. The cow licked
the salt lick and out came Odin. He drew forth Gungnir and slew Mega Ultra Chicken,
and immediately after returned to his home. I picked up the Ecstasy of Gold and was
teleported to the lonely mountain where I became a turkey.
Page 13
Solair of Astoria
Last week, I needed to take a break from gazing at the sun. sometimes I wish
that Solair and I could do other things, but engaging in jolly-co-operation is quite a
challenge in Lordran. The time we went to the Dream Realm to fight the mighty Hagel of
Caz Mo Dan was quite the experience. These were two of the things I spent spring
break doing, and much better then praising the sun. Praising the sun causes
incredulous eye pain, but if you look just right, you will be galvanized by the
magnificence of the sun. I needed to take a break from this because it gets boring, and
jolly-co-operation is much more fun.
This story was inspired by dark souls
page 14
The gatekeepers warning
Heed my warning young traveler for if you don’t then the Great Crusade of the
Legendry Gungle of Kakudda shalt forever imprison you to Isengard. Even if you cast
your pyromancy, and black magic, nothing will stand in the way of Knight Petrus of Caz
Mo Dan, son of Sir Galahad, son of Gloin. The primordial serpents shall engulf the world
in nakedness. For if none other shall rule through the retardation of Acoatmanin. Then
who are we to say that pickles shall never rule?
Page 15
The Willy of legend
Willy was my brutha-man. He frolicked through the wood, and also
enjoyed to chop down certain parts of the wood. To do this, however, much work in the
dirt was required. On most occasions he would trip and fall into a corn stalk of vile
creatures. Getting dirty was required to have fun, so in this case getting dirty was good
for young Willy. Then Willy would return home to his turkey, and get nagged. No matter
how many times he said sorry, he got nagged.
Page 16
Cereal heroes
The cereal was going to get soggy if I didn’t eat it fast enough. There was maybe
like 30 seconds until total sogginess. The amount of focus I used in those 30 seconds
was beyond my own comprehension. How I managed it was incredulous. I knew that
the benefit of eating cereal that wasn’t soggy was going to far exceed the expectations
of what I thought it would be. I am usually correct about these things, like when the
hobbits were taken to Isengard, and this was no exception because let’s face it,
Isengard and cereal is totally the same thing. That one piece of cereal in my bowl was
stupendous.
This story was inspired by Lord of the Rings
Page 17
Random encounters with a Hagel
There are two things I must do before I die, and those are as follows:
1. Become immortal is I can do everything else on this list
2. Everything
The mighty Hagel stood ill chance against this man’s gaze of sun. It was too much
torture, however, for the man to listen to it howl with pain. Instead the man made a deal
with the Hagel to settle things differently, with a children’s card game.
Never to be continued.
Page 18
Part 3
I write 15 second short stories in order to entertain myself for a short amount of
time. They are incredibly simple, and require only a small number of things. I include
them here because they are the first real type of storytelling that I ever did.
Let`s go yeast watching
As the yeast rises I look out to the sea. I think to myself about the Yeast Risers
Brigade, and how awful it is. That’s right it’s full of awe. There is like ten members now.
The best brigade in Gregorovich`s army.
Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc.
The pancake shaped space ship flew directly of Yeast Inc., causing the cows
within to turn into disgusting flavored steak. Then out of nowhere came a ship of space
and time, and killed everything.
Page 19
Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels
The wheels on the doughnuts caused the bread to roll out of control on the
highway of jelly. Though it seemed impossible, all had been lost and the desks would
surely win the war against the turkey brigade now. All was gone, all had been lost by the
actions of a single moron.
Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles
The divine Right that had forever been inscribed into the paper of the legendary
turkeys, written in lightning and purely made of circles and mutton chops. Although you
may not think it to be, there are none who shall pass the black knight.
Page 20
Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar
Isaiah was walking his cucumber when he and it stopped to glare at the sun, and
although the cucumbers dog collar was loose he didn’t escape. They sat and ate peanut
butter for a while, and then they went home.
This cosmic dance of bursting decadence
By the rule of the Royal Tart Toter, we must dedicate this cosmic dance to him.
For if any of you remember he was caught saying, “this cosmic dance of bursting
decadence and withheld permissions twists all our arms collectively but, if sweetness
can win, and it can, then ill still be here tomorrow to high five you yesterday my friend.”
So I dedicate now this dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions to him. I
say to you people now, peace and good fortune to you all.
This story was entirely dedicated to and inspired by Adventure Time,