The Happiest Mom

8/6/2019 The Happiest Mom

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12 the happiest mom

Are you a happy mom? Do you believe youcan use the words "happy" and "mom"in the same sentence? Do you believe youcan use the word "happy" at a ll, w ithout itbe ing followed by "birthday," a pinata, andan extensive cleanup? Do you want to be ahappier mom? W ho doesn 't, right?Being a parent these days doesn't always look so rosy-justread all the confessional "mommy blogs" and memoirs outthere that dish the real poop (literally!). You hear motherhoodtalked about in terms of surviving and coping-not beinghappy or having fun, unless a margarita is involved. Igetit: having a baby and raising children are life-changingexperiences. Motherhood is challenging. It's frustrating. It'sexhausting. Sometimes, it makes you want to curl up into thefetal position and call for your own mommy.

But while motherhood isn't a 24/7 ride on the Iun-o-matic, itisn't a 24/7 ride in a Cheerio-strewn minivan, either. We canlearn to deal with the hard stuff, let go of what doesn't matter,and enjoy our lives as mothers. Yes, we really can all be happymoms. And we all deserve to be.

Iwasn't always the happiest mom on the block. When myoldest two kids were young, I fantasized about running awayfrom the zoo our home had become and joining the circusinstead-or the Coast Guard-really, anyone who'd haveme. Everything seemed so hard, and every decision weighedheavy on my mind: What if Imade the wrong one? But as myhusband and I added more children to the mix (five in all),


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something surprising happened. Instead of becoming moreunhappy, stressed, and anxious, Ibecame happier, morerelaxed, and more confident. Through trial and error, and thenatural ups and downs of having a growing family, I've figuredout some strategies-some obvious, some unexpected-thathelp keep my scale tipped toward the "happy" mark.In this book, Iwill share with you what I've learned as well aslessons from the readers and editors of Parenting and insightsfrom Parenting's groundbreaking "Mood of Moms" study (seepage 15). I've organized this advice into ten secrets, and thefirst one Iwant to talk about, the one I think is the basis of allthe others, is this: It's okay to take the easy way out.

It's true that being a happy mom sometimes means doingthings the hard way. Maybe we cook from scratch because wejust plain enjoy it. Other times, we take the harder road insteadof the path of least resistance because it'll make things easierin the long run-like teaching our kids to tie their shoes so wedon't have to do it for them five times a day once we can nolonger find Velcro-tab shoes in their size.Whether it's making your own Halloween costumes or throwingyour child elaborate birthday parties, ifanything you're doing"the hard way" is bringing you so much satisfaction or joy, or

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"I always felt like 1shouldmake extra-special goodybags for my son's birthdayparties. Once, 1drove20 miles to a teachers'supply store to makesure 1had 'educational'toys. This year, my

husband and son wentto a party store and

bought pre made ones. 1was equally horrified andrelieved. My son didn'tcare one way or theother." -Elizabeth

While motherhood isn't a 24/7 ride on the fun-o-matic,it isn't a 24/7 ride in a Cheerio-strewn minivan, either.

is so much better for your family, that it really doesn't feel hardat all, then I'm not going to quibble with you. You're talking tothe woman who actually enjoyed laundering and folding clothdiapers. Hey, if it makes you happy, keep it up!But we've all got things we pour our energy into without havinga good reason why. Think about a few things in your life that take the easyway out 13


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seem harder to do than they should. Maybe you dread goingto the grocery store because you always have the same fightwith your son. Or maybe you're trying to sleep-train your babyusing the method that other mom from playgroup (you know,the one with the perfectly-behaved kids and hair) swears by,even though you're hating every minute of it and-now that youthink about it-aren't so sure your baby even had a sleep

Any time something always feels hard, it's time to askwhether it could be any easier with a little thought.

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problem to begin with. Maybe you've found yourself packingyour child a lunch worthy of a four-star restaurant when she'dbe happy with PBJ. Or maybe you keep dragging your toddlerto that over-crowded story time at the library even thoughyou'd both rather curl up with a book on your own sofa.

Remember that just because it's technically possible for us todo something solo ("something" being anything from clippingyour newborn's micro-nails to helping your daughter make avolcano for science class using toothpicks, fruit leather, soda,and Mentes) doesn't mean that we should. It's part of thatSupermom myth that I'd like to throw in the Diaper Genie.

Are you sensing a pattern? Any time something always feelshard, it's time to ask whether it could be any easier with a littlethought. When we look closely at our motivations and weedout those energy-suckers, we can focus on the things thatreally matter to us and forget the rest.

Let's take a look at some of the not-so-great reasons momssometimes sweat it out by ourselves-take the quiz on pages16 to 17 to identify any that slow you down-and why it's okayto choose the less taxing route, instead. Along the way, I'll alsopreview the coming chapters, so you can think about whichwill be the most helpful for you.


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Parenting magazine surveyed moms from all walks of life acrossthe United States to find out what makes us smile. Morethan 1,000members of Parenting's MomConnections panelparticipated. Parenting has exclusive access to this statisticallyrepresentative group of mothers, who include expecting, first-time, and veteran moms; moms who work inside and outsidethe home; and married and single moms.

This diverse group dished on how satisfied (or notl) they arewith more than 60 factors-from relationships to money. Theresults of this "Mood of Moms" research study? The top fivefactors that make the biggest difference to our happiness are:

A strong relationship with our partner (or, for singlemoms, a satisfying love life)

A positive outlook for the future

Believing that we're raising happy kids

Feeling appreciated for the hard work we do at homeand in the office

A strong and supportive network of family and friends

We agree: those are important. You'll find all five of thosefactors-plus many more-covered in The Happiest Mom.

Interested in finding outmore about the Mood ofMoms study? Visit www.momconnections.com.

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Q ! AWhat motivates

you, Mama?

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16 the happiest mom

What ties you up? What drags you down? Take our quiz-finding out is the first step to freedom!

1During your most frustrating parenting moments,how do you tend to feel?

a Uncertain. You want to make the right choices but justaren't sure what they are.

b Tired. Kids are a lot of work, and your standards are high.c Overwhelmed. You can't keep up, much less get ahead.d Resentful. No one ever seems to care about what you want.e Lonely. There's no one to share the load.

2 Which of these mothering crises ismost likely to strikeat your house?

a Your two year old doesn't seem ready for potty-training,but her daycare provider is putting on the pressure.

b It's midnight the night before your daughter's recital,and you're sewing sequins on her costume.(What's a little mermaid without sparkles on her tail?)

c Your daughter needs her birth certificate so she can enrollin summer camp. Today. And you have no idea where tofind it-or the camp registration form, for that matter.

d You're planning to go out for drinks with some friends, butyour son just reminded you that he's got a baseball game.

e Your feverish baby needs to go to urgent care, but youhave no one you can ask to watch your preschooler.

3Which of the following phrases are you most likely to say?a "I don't know. What do you think?"b "But Ineed to do this!"c "Oh no, Iforgot!"d "I guess I'll change my plans."e Since you don't have anyone to talk to except your kids,

it probably has something to do with the potty.


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4 How would you describe date nights with your husband? You're anxious the entire time. You aren't sure you chosethe right babysitter-or even ifyour kids are old enough tobe left with a sitter yet.

b You don't talk much, mainly about the kids and work.Typically you're still mad at him for leaving his dirtyunderwear on the bathroom floor.

e You often cancel them because you or your spouse didn'trealize you were supposed to do something else. Whoops!

d Rare. There's always so much to do for the kids, you don'thave much time for fun with just the two of you.

e Your only source of adult conversation.

5 What is your biggest obstacle when it comes to doing things

you love, like pursuing a hobby or reading a book?

a You feel the need to read up on the next stage ofparenting-that's the priority right now.

b You don't want to start anything unless you can do a greatjob at it. Honestly, you're already busy keeping the house intip-top shape and managing your kids' packed schedules.

e When you have a little free time, you spend most of itlooking for what you need to get the ball rolling, whetherit's knitting needles or that book your friend lent you.

d If you have "free time," shouldn't you spend every minuteof it with your kids?

e You'd love to see a movie or just have a cup of coffee withsomeone, but you don't have anyone to ask.



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Quiz keyMaybe your answers were all over the map, or mostly oneletter. Most of us could learn something from each category,so let's take a peek at what the answers mean:Mostly a's? Insecurity is holding you back. At some point withkids, you have to trust your gut and take a leap.Mostly b's? Whoa, take it easy! Turning parenting into acompetitive sport saps the fun from it.Mostly c's? Establishing some order could reduce the chaos inyour life. How can you find happiness ifyou can't find your keys?Mostly d's? If you've moved your needs right off the back burnerand into the freezer, it's time to thaw them out.Mostly e's? It's time to seek support: encouraging, availablepeople who can help share the burden of raising kids.

Recognize yourself in any-or all-of the results? No matterwhat you answered on the quiz, in this book you'll find been-there anecdotes and tips to help you. Here's a chapter-by-chapter preview.Adjust your expectationsWhether you're wrestling with your own sky-high expectationsor trying to figure out how to keep all those plates spinning,taking it easy on yourself is key. Your kids' well-being isimportant to you, so of course it's worth putting forth someextra effort to keep them healthy and safe. But in almost anycircumstance, moderation is just fine. While we all, say, agreethat kids need fruits and veggies, kids can go days withouttouching one-then gorge on blueberries. In chapter 2, we talk


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"One big thing that mademy life easier: skippingschool field trips. Id idn'tenjoy the chaos but feltlike I had to volunteer.

Teachers began to expectit, and I felt like Icouldn'tsay 'no.' Until one day, Idid. I said 'no.' The kidshad a great time and

didn't miss me one bit."-Kathreen

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for their child's kindergarten class doesn't mean all momsdo. Maybe, instead, you're the mom who tells the best jokesor is always up for a snuggle (and, admit it, a bowl of Cheez-Doodles) on the sofa. Chapter 4 is dedicated to being whoyou really are-not the mom you think you should be.Find your tribeSometimes, we moms think we should be able to manage ourlives all by ourselves. We may refuse to ask for any help or feellike we don't have even a minute to make a phone call to see ifsomeone can help us. Or maybe we don't have anyone to call.It's no coincidence that my least-happy periods of motherhoodhave also been the loneliest. But it's one thing to know youneed friends and another thing entirely to start building thatfabled village. In today's rushed, highly-regimented culture,making friends with other moms isn't always as easy asdropping in on a neighbor for a cup of coffee. In chapter 5,we'll talk about ways you can get the support and camaraderieyou deserve, plus a thriving social life that will help keep yourlife fun and engaging.Go with the flowIf you have every detail of every day mapped out, what roomdoes it leave for last-minute emergencies or simply changingyour mind? While flying by the seat of your pants doesn'talways end well (see below), you can't always schedule life-especially with kids. Chapter 6 is all about flexibility, one of mykey strategies for being a happier mom. It helps when you'reable to give yourself permission to go with the flow.

Clean upParenting takes a lot of energy. If every day is a whirlwind ofmissing soccer cleats and permission slips (not to mentionhamsters), over-tired babies and pre-dinner panic, it'll behard to find enough mojo to enjoy a leisurely walk through theneighborhood with your kids. Ibet you could identify two or


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From field trips to fundraisers, being a mom means managinga lot of reguests for help. Sometimes the simplest way out issaying "no" in the first place. Here are five ways to say "no"gracefully and effectively:

The "not that, but this" maneuver: "Sorry, Iwon'tbe able to cover for your babysitter all week, but I'dbe happy to watch Jacob on Tuesday."

The "blame someone else" technique, "I'd love to runthe concession stand for the baseball game on Thursday,but my husband has a party at work that night."

The "let me think it over" method: "Chaperoning thefield trip sounds fun, but I'd have to figure out child carefor the baby. Can Ithink it over and get back to you?"

The "my strengths lie elsewhere" tactic: "You know, I'mnot the right person to solicit donations for the school'ssilent auction. I'd do a better job designing the flyer."

The "short, sweet, and totally honest" approach:"I'm flattered, but no thanks."



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three areas of your life where a little organizing might go a longway toward making your whole household calmer. In chapter 7,we'll talk about how having a neater, more organized home cangive your happiness a boost.

Have a planAll parents have to wing it sometimes, but it helps to have ageneral idea of where you're headed so you're parenting withpurpose, not panic. And busy moms need time-managementskills so their best-laid plans don't melt like yesterday's Popsicle.

Busy moms need time-management skills so theirbest-laid plans don't melt like yesterday's Popsicle.

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22 the happiest mom

Do you have short- and long-term goals-for your house, yourcareer, or travel? Do you have a plan for your finances and theother nitty-gritty details of life so that you can enjoy the fun stuffwithout nagging worries? Is there a trip you've always wantedto take with your kids-whether a weekend camping trip or aEuropean vacation-but the time seems to keep slipping away?Setting goals (large and small) and then following through is asure-fire way to up your happiness quotient, In chapter 8, we'llhelp you create plans that reflect your priorities .Look out for #1There's no crime in being a little bit selfish. Even the simplestthings can start to feel like a chore if you're drawing froman empty well. You're still a person, with goals, wishes, anddreams, and you deserve to have time and energy for your ownhealth and wellbeing as much as your family's.

Do you scrounge leftover mac and cheese off your child's plateinstead of fixing yourself a decent lunch? Is your only source ofexercise picking your toddler up-and putting her down, andpicking her up, and putting her down ... ls there a hobby you'velet fall by the wayside because you're too busy schlepping kids


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to after-school activities? When was the last time you read abook that didn't rhyme? Chapter 9 gives permission to paysome attention to yourself and ideas for finding time to do it.M ind your love lifeParenting's Mom Connections panel ranked their love lives asthe number-one factor in how happy they are as moms. Nowonder. If your partnership with your significant other is strong,you'll have someone in your corner to back up your disciplinedecisions, to laugh with when your preschooler accidentallyswears, or simply to kick your feet up with at the end of a busyday before you both start snoring. Chapter 10 talks aboutnurturing that relationship so you stay on the same page asparents and partners. And ifyou're a single mom, at some pointyou'll want your love life to take center stage again-and youdeserve to make space for it.

* * *If you're like me, I'm guessing you've recognized more than onearea where you could use a little help turning up the happy. Iknow you've got a lot on your plate. You can read the chapters inany order. Feel free to read the chapters that speak most stronglyto you first and dive back in later for a deeper read.

Being a happy mom is all about being yourself, not what anyoneelse thinks you should be, and relaxing enough to enjoy yourkids and the rest of your life without too much second-guessing.Throughout the book, I'm going to offer inspired ideas to helpyou move past the "shoulds" and guilt and become the kindof mother you really want to be. Step-by-step, we'll help youdistinguish between what really matters to you and what's notimportant enough to make the cut. We'll come up with a planfor helping you muster up the self-confidence to say "no" andthe courage to say "yes" based on what you really want to do.And along the way, you'll figure out how to go from "It's all sohard" to "You know what? I'm pretty happy."

momtomom

"If you have children,trying to keep thingsperfect is like tryingto shovel snow duringa blizzard-it ain't

happenin'! I'm not goingto drive myself nuts andtake time away frommy daughter trying to

re-create a picture out ofMartha Stewart Living.Nope, if you come to myplace, you may step onan occasional Zhu ZhuPet or have to hop over aBarbie car." -Maureen


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The Happiest Mom

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