FLOREAT

the Michaelmas issue

the Michaelmas issue

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2 #Castle3 College Cherubs4 (Not so) Grandstand6 The Boy Who Cried Ballot8 Ladies Night Roundup12 Castle Blind Date16 How to Master Living Out18 Castle Withdrawal20 Panto Social Match Report22 The Court of Castle24 Going Up and Down26 12 Days of Castle30 Sympathetic Solutions32 Lumley Report34 Gossip Girl36 The Back Page

Cover Design:Katherine Hurst

(For more of Katherine’s work see www.katherinehurstillustration.tk)

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#CASTLE@floreatcastellum

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CollegeCherubs

Castlemen old enough to remember Gallow’s Golden Days will remember College Cherub fondly. However, the Fresh will be relatively new to this JCR

newsletter staple. In this article, Harriet Walsh congratulates members of college for spreading a little bit of magic around Castle this festive season.

Andrew TaylorThis Fresher Cherub is a friend indeed for anyone in need. Caring for people on nights out seems to be his speciality. He even locked his neighbour’s door when they took a trip home, forgetting to lock it themselves – not a decision many would have taken without covering everything in tinfoil first. Monique WilliamsDefinitely one of the most approachable Castle BNOCs, Monique has time for everyone. Even though she regularly organises great formals, it’s true that she doesn’t always get the recognition she deserves! Becca DoggwilerBecca merits the title of Cherub from her personality alone but as the head of CCA she deserves it even more so – not many people at Castle can say they’ve been as devoted to charity as her. But no Christmas is complete without a Scrooge…Isaac TurnerTake this second year, Isaac Turner; for days he had been feeling sorry for himself, locked in quarantine with tonsillitis, refusing to even acknowledge Durham’s Christmas spirit. But, in an overnight transformation even Dickens would have been proud of, Isaac changed into a glorious Christmas Elf, shower-ing his housemates with fairy lights, tinsel and multiple, generic Poundland decorations. From one extreme to another...

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(Not so) Grandstand(Not so) Grandstand

UCNCA slightly diminished Castle P(ea) team took to the court this weekend. Our new tactic of playing whilst still mildly intoxicated paid off, with a victory of 1987 - 10. Keep up the good work girls and make sure your socialising off-court continues to affect your game on court! UCHCThis week brought mixed results for Castle Hockey. The women stormed to victory against a weak Johns side, displaying superior ball-movement and easily penetrating the D time and time again. This strong team will surely continue scoring just as highly off the pitch. It was a different story for the men’s team, however, as Collingwood A thrashed them hard and fast; they were unrelenting with their sticks and balls flew everywhere. Here’s hoping for a better result next time.

A fresh take on the weekly report.

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UCRFCAnother exhilarating week for the rugby boys. Our match against Cuths may have been cancelled, but we still managed a good old ball game on Saturday afternoon. The game was a physical encounter which swung both ways. At first we were on top, but eventually we found ourselves in a deep, deep hole. We might have had some sticky patches but, covered in mud and physically exhausted, we came into the lead from behind. Then we put our clothes on and played some rugby. Smashing. Mixed LacrosseThis week there were no contacts available for comment. Oh well. Castle AFCThis week saw the C’s face off against a strong Aidan’s D side. Some spectators left wondering where the interest in the game stems from, given the ball is such a regular shape. The B’s slogged it out against a Mary’s B side and were unfortunately left licking their wounds after a 3-1 defeat. A phenomenal number of injuries on both sides, and even more spectacular recoveries, left fans questioning whether those injured were even hurt in the first place; they had obviously been taking lessons from the professionals who are paid to roll around like babies. Watch out for the social where Andy Kenty Kento will no doubt CTRL-ALT-DEL a few pints; “Just another night”. UCDCContinuously penetrating the Bull(seye).

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The Boy Who Cried BallotJane Markey recalls one young man’s journey from number 202 to one of the

most sought after (shared) rooms in Durham.

It was the Autumn of 2013 and tensions were running high. In the words of Shakespeare, ‘to live in or not to live in: that was the question’. Lizzie ‘was-un-successful-and-lives-with-3-boys-now’ Riley had already been shouting BALLLLLOT through the streets of the Viaduct for a couple of weeks. And then, one fateful Monday afternoon (25/11, 14.53pm), Gibbs - the best VSM since Woody - clicked the send button on his email for the 42nd time that day. But this wasn’t any old VSM email; oh no, it was… interesting. Frantic scanning commenced. Eyes scanned lower as most realised that they hadn’t achieved the mythical top of the ballot status. But no second years’ eyes had to scan for longer than those of Edward Ruthven... Jane: Ed, what was it about living out that made you so determined to live back in as a third year? The Fresh Prince aka The Artist Formerly Known as Ed: Well, let’s just put it this way...

In the heart of West Kent born and raised,In the library was where I spent most of my days.

Then I went to Uni and became all cool,Living on Norman Gallery was much better than School!

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Then a couple of LADS who were up to no good,Started signing houses in my neighbourhood.I was only a fresher and I got pretty scared,

So I lived with 7 people in a house that we shared.

IIIIIIIII pulled (lol jk)....Up to a house and when I got near,

Everything was broken and there was crap everywhere.What can I say, this place was squaaaaare.

So I thought nah forget it yo back to my lair! Jane: Aye, fair enough. But weren’t you concerned about the prospect of living in Bailey Court? Or, you know, the streets? Ed: Not really. I’d already seen some potential victims higher up the list than me. The best piece of advice I can give to people currently in the same position is, if all else fails, find someone at least two times higher on the ballot than you (that you can put up with) and get them to share a room with you. Methods as to achieving this are at your own discretion. Jane: That’s a pretty tactical approach you’re recommending. Ed: What can I say? I’m the same off the rugby pitch as I am on it; In it to win it, but of dubious quality. As my good pal Drake once told me, ‘we started from the bottom, now we here’. On that note, we’ll leave one of the most infamous residents of Hall Mares. However, the lesson we should all take from this is that third year isn’t actually about where you’re living; it’s about who you’re living with.

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Ladies Night Roundup

A Guest’s ReportDespite being one of the only second years in attendance and with my knee bleeding profusely due to a particularly traumatic event at Wiff Waff, Ladies Night was, unsurpris-ingly, a fabulous evening. Once I had tackled the obstacle course of pumpkins and candles on the steps into the Great Hall (congratulations to Will Danskin for doing this with his eyes closed), I was welcomed into a magical Castle full of fairy tales and performance. Highlights included falling over in Laser Tag and, of course, Security’s “Code Red” warning when Jake Hibbert and friends started drop-kicking cabbages around the courtyard. Barnaby Hodgkins lost interest in the situation rapidly; ‘A code red? It’s not like they’re small children. They’re vegetables’. Despite this, it was an incredible night for all guests and the Ents team deserve congratu-lations for a fantastic Ladies Night. Dreamy.

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A Report from the Undercroft19:00 – Arrive at the Undie. Get told the football score by 4 separate people. Hate people I’m working with, especially Joe. 19:01 – Forgive colleagues, there are bigger things in life… LIKE LADIES NIGHT! 19:45 – People arrive for the drinks reception. This is the last glance at sobrie-ty. The four guys in the corner are playing some lovely music. I learn what a Bassoon was. 20:15 – Three legends have already asked for another champagne. The guys in the corner are still playing the same song. Apparently they aren’t taking requests. I compliment the man’s bassoon. He looks uncomfortable. 20:25 – Harry Gordon hands me an intimidating camera that requires a degree to operate. I look at it without the strap round my neck. Harry looks at me like I’m dangling his first born child over the Keep. Cory Unal works the camera successfully by pushing a button. He must have a degree… 20:45 – Return to the Undie. Welcome to the Jungle. 20:46 – First glimpse of Lucy Newton. 21:30 – Hectic scenes. Kempy is sweating backstage. We’re out of Jager. Kempy runs to the lockup to stock up. I fear he may get Lumley nipple. 21:45 - Lucy tells me we should ‘hang out more’. Zara McDonald’s order is already audible in Edinburgh.22:30 – David Gell has his first beer. 23:45 – We get wind of Cabbagegate in the courtyard. Apparently a Presiden-tial sized security team cannot stop a Scotsman kicking a cabbage. Bodge compares cabbages to children. I send Ents a desperate plea for cheese. 23:47 – The precise moment I lost the plot.

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00:45 – Kempy calls last orders. We find Anna Mora’s abandoned camembert. Fool. 1:45 – Clean up done. Will Throp and I hoover each other intimately for an inappropriate length of time. I’m clearly still in search of my sanity.

An Absentees ReportWhat was on the menu that evening? : A Pot Noodle; the Knight in shining armour for any lazy student. What entertainment did you see on the night? : Mean Girls. I definitely wasn’t wearing pink that day. Describe your choice of outfit for the evening : Fluffy slippers, joggers and Castle Stash. I felt like a princess. Your beverage of choice for the evening’s proceedings? : A brew. If you could sum up the evening in one sentence, what would it be? : I didn’t choose the wild life, the wild life chose me.

Comments from the Ents team(On being on the most underappreciated committee in college) “I had a great

time at slave club!”(On Laser Tag) “THE GREEN BUTTON IS ON THE BOX”

(On ‘Cabbagegate’) “F***ing melters ruin everything.”

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Best Dressed

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Castle Blind Date

Two toasties, two Castlemen and thirty minutes: a match made in heaven or a recipe for disaster? Nikki Motohashi and Alex Gibney organise a romantic date for two pairs of

Castle’s finest.

After successfully bidding for the fittest fresher at CCA’s auction, Anna was given the shot at a second year prize too, while Will, keen as ever, turned up a full 8 minutes early in his usual double denim combo. WILL:What were you expecting?Succulent toastie goodness and fluid, lucid conversation. What were your first impressions?Anna was probably intimidated by my overbearing sexual presence, but she handled it well! What did you talk about?Our first time wielding a sword, Anna’s crazy multicultural life and the innate beauty of Edinburgh - everything but the weather. Describe Anna in three words?Luscious, vivacious, precious.

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Did you kiss?No, not physically…

Marks out of ten?8/10, docking one mark as I don’t believe in perfection and the other because I don’t feel like I could ever satisfy her. ANNA:What was Will’s funniest response to a question?The revelation that he once made Lord of the Rings figurines out of acorns. Good table manners?Great. We both loved the toasties and discussed making more, trashing the place and then eloping…but the back door was locked. Describe him in three words.The perfect date! Did you kiss?No, although I would never kiss and tell. Would you meet again?Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure he’s having a ‘thing’ with… someone else. Marks out of ten?8/10. I just wish I hadn’t been hungover!

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Tabby and Albert both work on Toastie Bar but were yet to sample each other’s goods. Plus, we couldn’t resist the parental urge to embarrass our respective kids… ALBERT:What were you expecting?The worst, most hideous date of my life. What did you talk about?Tabby’s Gap Yah, Castle, and Christmas. What was her funniest response to a question?The look on her face when I got her name wrong was pretty funny… If you could change one thing about the date what would it be?It wouldn’t have been the day after Ladies’ Night. But hopefully true love can look past the hangover. Would you meet again?Castle’s pretty small - law of averages suggests so. Marks out of ten?8/10 - her gap year makes her too wise for

TABBY:What were you expecting?Definitely not candles and toasties – what a wonderful surprise! Good table manners?He sipped water from a wine glass very elegantly.

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Any awkward moments?Well, he got my name wrong – I think that’s an immediate relegation to the friend-zone, unfortunately.

Did you kiss?(Bursts out laughing) No! It’s 4pm and I smell like onion from the burger I just ate! Describe Albert in three words.Witty, Indie, Curly-haired. Marks out of ten?8/10, but largely because of the good food and ambience – sorry Albert!

Clearly, 8/10 is the most risk-free choice all round. If you’d like a chance to raise the standards even higher, contact Alex and Nikki, Castle’s very own heavenly matchmakers!

“I can’t believe he tried to booty call me via my housemates at 2.37am.”

“Kissing him was like having a vacuum on my face.”

“Why did we go to Durham? All the boys are ugly and borderline crazy.”

“I’m never making the 72% at this rate.”

“Ha! As if she’s going near my dick.”

“Urghh if he shaved his beard he would be so ugly to look at for like six months.”

Lonely hearts of Castle recount some of their experiences of searching for love...

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HOW TO MASTER

LIVING OUTFor the Fresh, and those who have lost hope of living in college in 3rd year, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, Charli Adams and Anna Keith (AKA College Tandem) give you the best advice for braving the harsh reality of living out in Durham. (WARNING: say goodbye to housekeeping and fried potatoes.)

Step 1: Assemble the crew.This is not the time or place to 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer.’ Don’t live with any psychos - if you have suspicions of underlying craziness, ditch that bitch before Christmas. Ditto for any potential/previous shags - it’s like the awkward one night stand, but they NEVER leave.

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Step 2: Scout out the crib.Approach the search for the perfect house as you would the search for the perfect pull in Klute. Pounce too early and you’re stuck with that weirdo from Hild Bede for the rest of the night (you choose a house with a hot tub and no bed frame). Too late and you’re stuck in power hour desperately searching for anything with a pulse (a roof ). A decent landlord is also essential; ours cleans the house and then buys us chocolates. Be jel. (Landon <3) Step 3: Dins before Prins.Don’t kid yourself with ideas about sharing food. Communism died in 1991; buy your own milk. Step 4: 2nd/3rd year counts.You’ll already have 99 problems and none of them need to involve who hasn’t done their washing up. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Step 5: Put a life-affirming picture of yourselves on your living room wall, just to remind yourself that you aren’t a complete troll - despite spending 15 hours on the sofa, hungover, feeling as rough as a badger's arse. Final words of wisdom: Gilesgate really is that far away.

Unfortunately, Tenter Terrace is not available for 2015/2016 (waiting list of 12 groups - we aren’t joking it’s that amazing). However, don’t give up hope on finding the perfect house just yet. We didn’t sign until January, and on one of the first viewings of our house, one of our classier housemates christened the ‘Chunder Wall’ across the street in front of our landlord. And he still let us sign.

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Ten Tips for Castle Withdrawal Symptoms

After 11 weeks of living in the most beautiful university building in Britain (thank you, Times Higher Education) leaving Castle for the holidays can take its toll on the best of us. Maddy Vincent suggests her top ten tips to help you survive the 4 week break living in a house which has not been visited by royalty (probably) … 1. Recreate the experience of formals by insisting on wearing your gown to family meals. 2. Then, cork all drinks available and finish a bottle of wine before it’s your turn to wash up. 3. Missing Moatside? Gather all the furniture in your bedroom into the centre to recapture that cosy feeling. 4. Insist on three different types of potato a day, and maybe five for Christmas Dinner. 5. Check guests’ IDs on entrance and confiscate any alcohol they may have brought with them onto the premises. 6. Rigidly enforce a meal card system and accept no excuses. 7. Wear Castle and/or Smenergy stash to every occasion. 8. Order a Smenergy everywhere you go and use your stash to prove that yes, actually, it is a real thing. 9. Rename the rooms in your house, e.g. the kitchen is now the Servery, and the porch is now the Gatehouse. 10. Work Harry Potter into any and all conversations so you have an excuse to say ‘actually our Great Hall…’

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awardsAcknowledging excellence in college pantomime’s, Jessica Christy presents the most highly anticipated awards since The Tonys, taking us through the good, the bad and the ugly (sisters) of one of this year’s favourite Michaelmas term traditions.

Best impression of a college BNOC – Julian James; for pearly whites that would blind even the best children’s summer camp entertainer. Queen of Sass - Charlotte Spence; the best rapper and wrapper (of condoms) in Castle Freshers 2014. College Milf status – Ellen Hughes; with dance moves that would make any Fresher boy go weak at the knees. Best acceptance speech VT – Gus Wolley, whose late night pillow chat includ-ed a Casio digital watch, shit chat and an RP accent to rival even the most terrifying Jackanory story teller. The most committed attempt at method acting – Fraser Deforges-Medhurst; for constant, relentless middle class banter. He LIVES the sarcastic servant life. Award for best revival of a Castle graduate – Ben Gilbey; ‘Who’s Joel Holford again?’ Most cringe-worthy musical number – Tinder and Princey; ‘cause no one felt the love that night. Funniest line fail – ‘And this is the man, the legend, ANDY KEMP!!’

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PANTO SOCIAL MATCH - REPORTMike Bedigan portrays the carnage that ensued after the Fresher Panto Cast had a few too many beverages and had the best social they’ll never remember. I left college running slightly later than I had planned and anticipating being 'punished' by Ellen Hughes (social secretary), something Gus Woolley had previously mentioned he was quite looking forward to... On my way to (Fl)ass Street, I encountered another group of Freshers including a disgruntled Fraser Desforges-Medhurst who admitted that his costume made him look like he was on his way to an S&M party. I treated the group to a tour of North Road Bus station and we arrived at the social at approximately 9:39pm. I must personally commend the efforts of both Charlotte Spence and Tom Hudson on the costume front. A tiara made of condoms and a full-length Christmas tree dress, complete with tinsel and lights, cannot go unmentioned. The social continued with a series of classic house-party drinking games; Mr and Mrs, Paranoia and pick the dare out of the hat. Soraya Rahall performed a thoroughly disappointing lap-dance, Clare Schwarzberg kept insisting she'd had more than two beers, and James Shinner and Aidan Bracebridge finally arrived 45 minutes late, trying to enter through the window... At 11:30 everyone left Flass Street. Woolley was a little too keen to get Ellen to

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go out. Ben Gilbey swore at the girls, collapsed several times on the floor and then chundered in the front garden. Strong. I left the remnants of the social in the Viaduct (while Lissy Green was carrying a large cardboard tube) and made my way home. It had been an interesting evening to say the least, and one that I was sad not to see conclude. Shout-out to: Jimmy LeeAmanda OngEleanor HinchcliffJulian JamesLiam HeskethCatriona Duffy Who were also present and have their dignities still thoroughly intact.

Also...

MISSING

Jess' Shit

• Jess' shit was lost at about 10:10 around the time that Shinner and Brace-bridge attempted to climb through Ellen's window.

• If you have seen the aforementioned shit or have any information that might

be useful, please get in touch.

• No reward.

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The Court of CastleFreshers eagerly arrive on their first day, shuffle down the barbican with their parents and are taken to their new palace in Moatside or Bailey Court. Feelings of excitement and nervousness are high in the new and unique environment of Castle. School seems far behind. The bitchiness, hierarchies, and the constant need to follow the crowd and impress are a distant memory. However, it isn’t long before the elitist system and social structure in college become blindingly obvious….

Let’s stop elitism. From day one, your interests, levels of “craic” and social groups are scrutinised, so as to establish your standing in the hierarchy. As a fresher, you are naturally at a disadvantage when compared to the already well founded older years. If you are entering a familial environment in which your surname has already determined where you begin your footings in this competitive and cruel ladder, you lose your right to your own identity and a fresh start after Sixth Form. University should be a time for expressing your uniqueness and avoiding labels. However, this is impossible here. Certain boxes must be ticked; rugby, or netball, should be joined, even if you have no interest in either. To be quiet is to be irrelevant as you will go unnoticed in this rowdy and elitist setting. It is claustrophobic and saddening, as true personalities are diminished in a world of BNOCs, invitation only societies (which all seem to contain the same members) and historic mentalities.

Elitism is a part of life. Accept it. College life is notoriously similar to a boarding school; this is made pretty apparent at the open days. So it is surely inevitable that certain behaviours and characteristics will flow between the two. Social hierarchy is a central part of Castle. It is how many of our most popular clubs and societies function. It is common place to hear people complain about elitism and exclusivity. However, these individuals often go quiet in this view the second their invitation to Ladies Soc comes under their door, or their shirt for EPC is ordered. True, isolating yourself from people who are quieter than you is ridiculous, but rarely will you meet a so called “BNOC” who does not have friends in less well known circles. Social hierarchy appears before, during and after university, especially in the workplace. We would be ignorant to assume that once in the “real world” this ladder falls, so we should just accept its presence here. If any of our readers have any views or opinions on this article that they wish to discuss, please contact a member of the Editorial Board or, alternatively, email floreat-magazine@gmail.com directly.

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A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:

Russell Crowe went here.So should you!

Just 100 yards from Durham Cathedral.

Shaheens Indian Restaurant is a jewel in the crown of Durham City restau-rants. Combining authentic Indian recipes with fresh, local produce and never using artificial ingredients, Shaheens produce delectable food that will soothe any pallet and not break the bank.Established over 30 years and located in the historic North Bailey of Durham, Shaheen's are open 5pm until late.Booking is always advised to avoid disappointment. We look forward to seeing you soon!

The Old Post Office,48 North Bailey,Durham,DH1 3ET

Tel: 0191 3860960

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GOING UP

GOING DOWN

Wiffwaff

SHAHEENS “making it rain.”

Environment Committee

Johnny Philpot’s BNOC status

Durham’s comedy scene (according to Bedigan at least)

Better Bodge and Ed Thomas (beaten by Vs)

LLoyds (the official death of Castle Corner)

Minstrels #shitcraic

Legacy (bloody Mildert)

The Tab

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GOING DOWN

Oh Hatfield!by Mike Bedigan

Note to Hatfield: "Whoever envies another confesses his superiorty."

- Samuel Johnson

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12 Days of Castle12 Days of Castle

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12

9Nine Ladies Dancing

Castle Cheer

In Castle, everyone is getting into the festive spirit. From every corner of college, students are donning their Christmas jumpers and avoiding putting Christmas

decs up in the Keep. Floreat introduces to you, the 12 Days of Castle.

Eleven Pipers Piping

Castle AFC

Twelve Drummers DrummingThe Exec

Ten Lords-a-LeapingCastle Rugby

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6 5

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Six Geese-a-LayingFlorence Moore, Emily Sporik, Tom BlackwoodGeorge Lodwick, Jake Hibbert, Charlotte Varela

Seven Swans-a-Swimming Philippa Hughes-Narborough, Fiona Rea, Catherine Hodges,

Sophie Lilly, Keeley Smith, Eleanor Kershaw-Green, and Katherine Lovejoy.

Five Gold RingsV

Eight Maids-a-Milking (their popularity)

Amanda Marsh, Lydia Reid, Zara McDonald, Johnny Phil-pott, Gus Woolley, Kath Patel,

Matt Kemp, Will Smith

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4 3

2 1

Four Calling BirdsCharli Adams, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, Anna Keith

#powergroup

TwoTurtleDoves

Georgia Schneider andAlastair Poole And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Oscar Koronka

Jane Markey, Nick McQueen, Dom Thurlow-Wood

Three French Hens

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Police Appeal for Information Regarding Missing Penguin

The missing Penguin, who goes by the name of Thomas, was first announced missing on the 24th of October 2014. There have been many desperate pleas on the Castle Freshers’ Page for his return but to no avail. He was last sighted in Moatside S Block, only a few weeks after his disappearance. Although police correspondents cannot confirm or deny the allegations of kidnapping, the present situation is being regarded as highly suspicious and any witnesses are encouraged to come forward regarding the incident. A full scale investigation has been launched in order to explore and uncover the facts around Thomas’ disappearance, although Floreat can reveal that those closest to the Penguin in question are pessimistic about the possible outcome of the investigation. No individual has yet been arrested, although the police are encouraging those on the 3rd Floor of S Block to be especially vigilant over the coming weeks. An individual closely affected by the incident, who cannot be named for legal reasons, claimed that ‘There are some fucked up mo-fos wandering round Castle, chaps.’ Although there has been speculation regarding John Lewis’ involvement in the scandal all charges against them have since been dropped. During interview, his owner had this to say: ‘My life is torn in two. Everything is still spinning. Thomas was the fire in my heart, and it has been extin-guished. If you are reading this Thomas, please contact me - if you've found someone better then I'll understand, I just need to know that you're okay.' A reward of a Demi-God’s Love and multiple Snakebites are being offered for Thomas’ safe return to Garden Stairs.

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Sympathetic Solutions

Dear Dom and Will,I am currently experiencing issues of a 'horticultural' origin - I've pruned, I've spruced, and I'm still not satisfied. Have you got any advice? Will: Same! Well, kind of... Something I really struggle with is mole maintenance. In particular, there's a mole just below my jaw, which sprouts hair on a bi-weekly basis. It's terrible, I don't know what to do?! Should I shave? Should I plait? It's one of life's great conundrums. Perhaps we ought to seek ratification for a bodily hair related self-help group? We could call it, "fun, frolics and follicles." The socials are certainly a hair raising prospect. What do you think Dom? Dom: Well I’d certainly go on that social Will. I’ve always opted for a more hands off approach; wild and free is always vogue. As a child I used to watch Pete Sampras at Wimbledon, not for the tennis, but when he got sweaty enough to change his shirt. My word. Eros himself must have sculpted such a rug. So thick and strong. You’d need a jackhammer to raise those hairs. I’ve wanted one for as long as I can remember. I recommend, like me, you start to dream. I am not successful but I am happy, or more specifically, I currently sit on 3 wispy nipple hairs and a profusion of faith.

Dom ‘the Hump’ Humphrey and Will ‘Thropedo’ Throp have taken over the role of college Agony Aunts. Here at Floreat we are still asking ourselves why ...

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I'm a Fresher and I thought, on coming to university, that my sex life would completely take off, but so far, it's been barren. Any advice on how to turn things around?

Will: I know exactly what you mean. In many ways I am reminded of the words of the ancient Persian thinker Rumi, who said, "the way you make love is the way God will be with you." Which is why I'm an atheist. But while we're at it, how about another Rumi reminiscence? "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Dom: Pertinent words from Rumi Will. The barrier that I have built up against love is chlamydia.

The term, "LAD" is bandied around a lot these days. While I consider myself to be a male Homo Sapien in the broadest sense of the word, I find myself irrevocably at odds with the modern conception of manliness that I am supposed to aspire to. Can you help? Will: This one's interesting. I find it difficult to advise those on the other side of the fence... I would, however, like to draw your attention to one particular facet of your dilemma. The thing is, I wake up every morning, and what I see in the mirror makes me sick. So hunky. So raw. Man-on-man, ready for the slam. A bulked up lump of virile meatiness if ever I saw it. Sometimes I wonder whether I'd be better off in your shoes. Dom?

Dom: It is an interesting question isn’t Will. A personal theory, but I believe that we are entering a new era in the evolution of the ‘lad’. Feel at odds no more. Gone are the days where the modern man is judged by his proximity to the ‘backspace’ key; whether it was a miscellaneous fluid, McGhee’s chat or the girl of your dreams in Klute, a ‘lad’ must have deleted it. The ‘post-lad’ is different. He is judged on a single criterion: sensitivity. No longer must he hear the cry of ‘BUFFALO’ and only scream inside ‘THIS BEAST YOU MOCK HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ALSO’. No longer must he take a football bumming expressionless, he can, like Rob Loopuit, let the tears stream down his face. His lady goes to the store and walks straight out again because he’s done the shopping for her.

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Lumley ReportThe spread of University College's most dangerous and contagious disease contin-ues. No-one knows exactly what causes the strange affliction, which has been dubbed 'Lumley fever' by medical experts. Castlemen and women are being advised to be extremely cautious, especially around alcohol. The virus is so far only connected to men, often fans of rugby, though an official link is yet to be established. Sadly though this was still too little too late. On 4th November, 15 more Castle-men tragically fell fate to what is fast becoming Castle's number one COC (cause of chundering). Those who contracted the illness have now been officially named: 1:03:48 - David ‘Number 167’ Gell1:05:01 - Hector ‘The Flying Scotsman’ White1:08:00 - Stuart ‘The Orangutan’ Whitehouse1:11:05 - Matt ‘Should know the route by now’ Becksmith1:14:40 - Harry ‘The Infiltrator’ Henley-Smith1:14:45 - Rob ‘The Oaf ’ Langman1:15:00 – (Sch)Wellsy1:15:10 - James ‘The Sabre’ Firth1:16:45 - Barnaby ‘Bodge’ Hodgkins1:17:35 - Alex ‘The Plougher’ Macpherson1:19:45 - Patrick ‘The Giraffe’ Edmondes1:24:43 – Andy ‘Pre-Run’ Kent1:29:00 - Emon ‘Kesh’ Keshavarz1:38:20 - Henry ‘Senior Marathon-runner’ Winlow1:39:55 - Nick ‘The Vegan Slayer’ Edwards1:42:23 - Eliot ‘The knight in shining armour’ Riordan

“Best honour ever... I would quit my job for this... £40,000!” (Edwards)

“Can you stop filming because I’m going to get naked now?” (Winlow)

“People tell you it’s going to be bad but it’s ten times worse.” (Macpherson)

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A large crowd gathered at 8 o clock on the evening of the 4th in the Undercroft Bar to pay their respects to the boys, who have all since been decorated as heroes. Among the crowd were two young men Chris Loadman and Jacob Hibbert.Both Loadman and Hibbert earlier tested negative for Lumley fever. Neither were available for comment.

Barney Jeffcoat Dick, a leading researcher had this to say: "As we are no further towards finding the cause of 'Lumley fever,' the best thing to do is just to let it run its course and hope that not too many choppers get it."When asked what a 'chopper' was he replied: "I simply don't know anymore..." Lumley Fever Symptoms include: • Profuse sweating.• Blurred vision/ dizziness.• Projectile vomiting with occasional pasta shells.• Questionable clothing choice.• Full time legendary status. If you know of anyone experiencing one or all of these symptoms then do not panic. Keep calm and call welfare.

Two different reactions to Lumley Fever

“That was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.” (Riordan)

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gossip girl

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle,

As the first term of the year comes to a close I feed the need to point out that gossip, like the snow this year, has been rather thin on the ground. However things are starting to look more interesting as the festive season approaches...

Unlike Father Christmas I do not have a nice list – this message goes out to all of you who seem to have got Gossip HQ confused with match.com this term. I bestow gifts exclusively on those who behave badly; in my book nice is boring and naughty…well the naughty list is where everyone wants to be.

For those of you unlucky enough not to have made it into my column so far, you still have two terms to go and plenty of opportunities to make your name known. See the time away from the castle walls as an opportunity to let your inner Vixen come out to play. New Year’s resolu-tions are an opportunity to start fresh and wipe the slate clean,so you get it dirty all over again.

My spies are always watching and my ears are always open so remem-ber to let me know if you see anyone under the mistletoe or doing anything which would definitely earn them some coal in their stocking.

You know you love me,

XOXO

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Any of you hoping to win first prize for ‘Most Scandalous’ at Ladies Night 2014 have been Pipped to the post. The Key to a girls heart is obviously to romance her surrounded by great works of literature, a cracking view of the courtyard and the possibility of the ents team walking in in you.

It was drink awareness month in November, and apparently no one paid any attention. Whether Down the walls of a Moatside shower or the impressive aim of one of the Lods on the rugby formal, there were Lakes of vom all over college this term, one second year even managed to give a whole night club a Wiff of her dinner. See welfare, I think there's 12 steps you may want to follow.

One member of the exec has unWhittingly caused quite a stir amongst the fresher ladies. One was reported to have been Green with envy after he was CAughT canoodling with another just days later. Who knew he was such a heart breaker, stamping on hearts and cheques.

One fresher obviously has never learned not to touch what isn't theirs. Attempting to Char-m her way into the trousers of a certain hottie with a Bo(y)dy, this intention shouldn't be taken so literally. Especially not in the Lloyd's queue #keepyourhandstoyourself

Newton's law of physics states that what goes up must come down. But anyone who saw the Senior Man's room after Ladies Night would ques-tion that. NB: screaming "BUT IM IN LOVE WITH YOU" in no way makes up for vomiting on someone's ceiling.

Now and Chen the odd person makes it past security and manages to ensconce themselves in a toilet cubicle with a bottle of Frosty Jacks. But remember bitches, If you're going to get caught drinking your own alco-hol in the Undie, at least make sure it's champagne.

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THE BACK PAGE

THIS ISSUE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

Charli Adams, Mike Bedigan, Emily Brown, Jess Christy, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, Alex Gibney, Gossip Girl, Laurence Holmes-Smith, Dom Humphrey, Katherine Hurst, Anna Keith, Jane Markey, Nikki

Motohashi, Krassi Petrova, Will Throp, Maddy Vincent, Harriet Walsh, Sarah Westlake & Natasha Yadav.

OVERHEARD IN CASTLE ...

“My fingers have never been used so much.”

“If you want to see the D now is the time to tell me.”

“Title : You're all Pricks, by Jessica Christy”

“Who's Krasti Petrovkins?”

“Well, at least we all have property in Europe.”

“How do you know your Nan is bendy?”

“Who wouldn't want a free toy in their Floreat?”

“We prey on the visceral and essentially interwoven divide between the libido and the absurd.”

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“In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.”

- Carlos Ruiz Zafón