OCTOBER 2014 ISSUE 881

The Pit

Freshers Fortnight

Presidents Shout: Oh RSM!

The last couple of weeks have whizzed by, I hope

everyone has enjoyed themselves, I know I certainly

have!

This has been our most successful Freshers’ Fortnight

with highlights including:

• Swarming South Ken for the Pub Crawl

• The showcase of sporting talent at the Olympics

• Crushing the Medics at the quiz night (once

they’ve licked their wounds they’re keen for

Round 2)

• The largest ever Freshers’ Dinner at a swanky new

venue, no ban and two excellent speakers!

It was great to see so many Freshers from both Materials

and ESE at all the events! Not only that but it was

impressive to see everyone getting stuck into university

living with such gusto as shown by the impressive bar

night fancy dress.

Don’t despair that Freshers’ is over, we’ve still got loads

to come this year! Next up we’ve got a Bar Night soon to

keep the blues at bay. But if you just can’t get enough

RSM in your life we have a plethora of RSM sports team

(Bottle Match is only a few months away!) and the

departmental societies have loads of awesome events to

keep you busy.

All the best,

Ben x

Editors Note: The Freshers have arrived and once again the

Annual Miners’ Cycle has begun. Summer

may be over and the days getting colder, but

the union is getting busier and the Miners

are getting rowdier. This Freshers’ fortnight

has once again showed that the RSM is in a

different league to the other less interesting

constituent unions at Imperial. We can all

hold our heads high knowing that we’re at

the best department, of the best university

in the world… apart from some place called

in Massachusetts.

The Pit, along with some of the events, has

had a bit of a revamp this year and we hope

you’ll like the new feel. The Imperial forces

are pushing down on us to reduce our free

speech, but we will not falter. We will

remain strong and controversial until our

end. Strength and Honour!

Dom & Sam xx

Page 3

J-Bomb Over the last fortnight many from the RSM have reacquainted themselves with the watering holes of old. As third years it became our responsibility to open the eyes of wee freshers to the wonder, the marvel, heart racing and palpitating sensation of the London Jaeger bomb. Here we provide a comprehensive guide of the best J-bombs that our blurred memory recall: -SLUG: Taste: Red Bull from the can 9/10 Jaeger free pour measures 10/10 Great ratio, great on the palate, clean fresh hangover. Price: £2 for the next ten minutes, and the next, and the next… Lasting memory: Escalation of the round from 5 to 10 to 15, up until the fool ordered 30. Beeriod: SLUGgy -BELUSHIS: Taste: Monster from the can 6/10. Blasphemous but acceptable. Jaeger, slightly under poured. 8/10 Price: £4 each, cards were drawn and chips were pinned. Lasting memory: Lubricated the mind, body and soul. Beeriod: #BELUshit #bepooshis -UNION BAR: Taste: Shark, facilitates the sharking. 7/10 Jungfrau offers a disappointing replacement to Jaeger. 3/10 Price: 3 for £7, fair. Poor quality doesn’t reflect the price. Recommend buying in rounds of 9. Lasting memory: Fresher Stephen chinning off numerous J-bombs for birthday celebrations. Beeriod: Potent, essence of cheap Best and Stella. -RISE: Taste: Energy drink on tap; Soda water syrup ratio all wrong. 2/10 Jaeger, barmaids and barmen very generous. 7/10 Price: 4 occasionally 5 for £10. Shot girl graced the dance floor, floating like autumnal leafs. Lasting memory: Phalanges getting lost #boothluvin Beeriod: Sinker -ROXY: Taste: Canned Red Bull 10/10 Jaeger, the best we’ve tasted, liquor of the gods 9/10 Price: £4 for one, unreasonable. Lasting memory: Alex McCormac #JaegerMaster Beeriod: Didn’t happen until the afternoon, unclassified. -EMBARGOS: Taste: Canned RedBull, Jaeger, the real deal. Price: 10 for £40. #JamesCox no other way to buy. Lasting memory: Jordan Seyedi/Sam Argyle handing the 21st baton from one to another. Live Saxophonist on the dance floor. Beeriod: Made the Hangover bearable. A necessary evil. So, after taking the freshers week seriously and reviewing with a sober mind, without a doubt SLUG wins the best Jaeger Bomb in SW London (and a little further). Just remember, don’t bomb and drive, and definitely remember to check your wallet for card receipts and remember they were a necessary part of the night.

AFTER READING THIS REVIEW YOU ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO BUY MATT IRWIN AND JAMES JEARY THE FINEST OF JAEGER BOMBS. #YOURROUND

James ‘J-Bomb’ Jeary

3 J-Bombs, 2 Kisses, 1 Man

RSM Olympics A full, comprehensive and accurate report

Post-Freshers' detox? Look no further…

All was quiet, but for the rustling of autumn trees and the knocking of bare knees as gladiators, large

and small and Ryan Atkar size, gathered in the hollowed battle ground of Princes' Gardens. They

gathered to pursue the most noble of pursuits: to become RSM Olympic Champions 2014!

After an inventive warm up for the RSMs second best journalist and socialite, Sam Jessica Parker, the

games could begin! Much duct taping quickly ensued, enthusiastically applied by our omnipotent social

overlord, Tor Tennant. The 3 legged wheel barrow race was the first hurdle to cross. A test of

teamwork, strength and endurance. I have no idea

who won this, as I spent most of the race with my

face firmly in the mud due to the enthusiastic but

well intentioned thrusting of Will Veness (sportsman

of the year?....)

The next thing I remember is the piggy back relay,

confidently demonstrated by James Cox carrying ten

times Swedish meatball eating champion and BNIMS

(Big Name In Mat Soc), Simon Escobar. Well

volunteered James... In a flurry of limbs, mud and

teenage adrenalin (and no this is not a dirty story

about our past president Emily "Ahhh bisto" Pennington) teams

galloped off round the trees. Birds took the chance to migrate early;

squirrels held tight to their nuts.

**There was now a short interlude to allow Sam a cheeky chunder

behind a tree, as is becoming a great tradition of these gruelling

games.**

Once everyone had had a chance to gather their dignity, or rather

those who had any to start with, we were ready for our next

challenge...the popular sport: 'spinning round a hockey stick 20

times and running in a straight line afterwards' relay race. Never

have I seen such loose interpretations of the word 'straight'. Bodies

and passionate emotions ran riot in all directions resulting in many a

collision. Alex McCormac “when I get that

feeling, I get sexual peeling”

Passing the orange from chin to chin. “Chin it fresher!”

Notably Fresh Meat's Howard Kennings’ skilful slide tackles of my team members, which could only

have been called sabotage if he had had any control of his life at the time, as well as elegant pirouettes

from Dom 'that fresher who did the yard' Rodger. Disclaimer: 20 spins is hard. Please do try this at

home.

And after all that physical and mental struggle, everyone drew, or most people did, or someone lost the

score sheet.....as after much deliberating by the committee there were 3 subsequent tie breaker

rounds!

The first was an extremely citrusy orange eating gala,

requiring rapid lip and tongue skills (Warnick B. et al 2013).

The second defiant of all 5 laws of physics (soz RCSU).

And the third and final: almost unspeakable.

There was a draw for second place. Between The Netballers

and The Bonkies. The two teams requested to willingly eat,

as fast as they could, 4 crackers and half a

cucumber...."EASY!" I hear you scream… but alas no, it was

like 'Nam...

The netballers (Emma Crewdson, Alex Pavlovskis, Alice Bennett and Laura Jackson) worked slow and

steady, cheeks bulging but their stamina was good, showing great promise for bottle match this year!

After a brief confusion over which Andrews twin was actually on the team (turned out to be my fresher

Will if you know which one I mean...hope you got home from the dinner alright mate ;) ) The Bonkies

went in strong, fast at first but rapidly slowing. We were neck and neck as Will started to struggle,

teary eyed, his dislike for large cucumbers in is mouth was really slowing him down. Truth be told the

boy really can't swallow, don't worry Will, it comes with

practice. Jaws aching, mouths dry from cracker crunching, a

photo finish put The Bonkies in second place and the netballers

below us.

I think the team that won the Olympics overall went by a German

name meaning something along the lines of "a parade of people

drinking an appropriate amount" but I could be wrong…

All in all a great time was had by all: Fresh air, a chance to give

muscles a dust off after a long summer and give livers a break

after a hectic Freshers week!

May the Olympic flame rage on,

Susan x

The Winners,

ironically called ‘The Rejects’

Crazy Susan, commonly known as Mad

The Lookalike Gallery

Matt Pike Ruth Pike Peter Andre

Syndrome Dan Holloway

Edward Andrews Will Andrews Dr Ian Bastow Wallace

The Bar Night Gallery

The best costume of the night was a joint effort

between Esme and Alex. The overwhelming

attention to detail stopped us in our tracks.

They even has Boris campaign posters inside

the carriage.

Great commitment from the boys in this

photo… except Scouse. Scouse picks up the

prize for worst dressed for his portrayal of

Green Park. Special mention to Dan Huskes in

second place for coming as a penguin.

The Bar Night was a complete success. We packed

the union, and filled it with chorus. The euphoric

singing was some of the best in recent history,

with quotes such as “this atmosphere is bloody

electric” relaying this view. The chunky yard was

memorable.

HRH Benjamin Warnick showed us how its

done by savagely eating his yard in 55

seconds flat

S C O U S E

Background info: The RSM has a line of Scouses stretching back

into the ages. The original Scouse has now left the RSM but

made a name for himself due to his flamboyant hair,

outrageous antics and large member. In the autumn of 2012

onlookers were astonished to find that Scouse had been re-

born in the form of Chris. Although having never heard of

Liverpool, Chris (henceforth referred to as ‘Scouse’) took on the

nickname and is now and will always be known as Scouse. Joss

Knight takes the mantle of Scouse III.

What should you know about Scouse?

**PRAISE** He is actually the best runner in the country and no

one gives him any credit for being naturally athletic. The other

week he ran a marathon after consuming 15 Jager bombs the

previous night and still managed to post a time to match the

elite category times, arriving home 23rd from 16000 entrants!

He is originally from Kent but pretends that he is from Wales.

He fears the north: “do you think your northern accent makes you seem less intelligent” (Scouse 2011.)

He is skilled in the art of cuisine: "Meacher, do you have a cheese toasty maker?" (Scouse 2014)

Scouse’s most incredible attribute however is his way with words. His mastery of the English language

is unrivalled and tales of his magical tongue are spread far across the land. One of his most famous chat

-ups is so wondrous, so ingenious and special that we need to share it with you.

Firstly you must go to your local supermarket and acquire a lime, if you’re really running short a lemon

painted green will suffice. All you need to do then is approach someone nice and say, “Do you want to

see my chat up lime?

Nun Bar One A Freshers’ Dinner Summary

Apprehensive is the word I would use to

describe our attitudes as we entered The

Union on that cold autumn night. Greeted by

our hosts with a hearty pint of vodka ale (or

Absinthe and Lambrini in Sister Lucia’s case)

the sesh began. Soon we headed off to the

Rembrandt where Sister Dominica realised he

had made a catastrophic wardrobe failure,

the most obvious of which was the lack of a

jacket (he swiftly stole one in a way only a

Geordie could). Sister Lucia’s Absinthe

Lambrini cocktail did the job. Sweating like a

gypsy with a mortgage by the time he

stumbled into the Rembrandt, Lucia turned to

theft by making his way through half of the

apples in the reception. Despite having not

even had the starter yet memories of the night

from this point onwards become a blur.

After what may have been a delicious main, a

few red wine vodka cocktails and the fines,

tucking into desert with hands behind our

back seemed like the natural thing to do. This

was when we witnessed the first casualty of the evening, Ruaridh’s tooth.

For Sister Ragina this is the last thing he remembers, Sister Stephany

wasn’t so lucky...

Greeted by a six shots of tequila and a predatory second year when

arriving at the union, things went from bad to worse. A “tactical” chunder

in the union toilets and a recovery pint were the least of his concerns. His

night concluded in the bed of a fair maiden in the district of Earls Court.

Sister Dominica was awarded conquest of the evening and was rewarded

with some TLCCC. Sister Nora was also lucky with the ladies. Judging from

his excitement in following days, a second round is surely on the cards.

From Left to Right: Dominica (Dom), Lucia (Luke), Ragina (Rich),

absentee, Nora (Noah), Stephany (Steve), Matilda (Matt)

Sister Matilda Korean Rules that Gateaux

Nun Bar One Continued...

Meanwhile other members of the Nuns had contrasting

experiences. Sister Matilda took what can only be

described as a karate chop to the face, which triggered a

torrent of blood, from one of the more feisty females in

the RSM. This is after having been already drenched by the

drink of another one of his evening’s encounters.

En route home all alone through Hyde Park, Sister

Dominica heard the throb of a car engine behind him

turning his head to realise it was the fuzz. His natural

reaction (as a Geordie) at this point was to run, as the

police drew alongside him Sister Dominica quickly realised

that humans can’t outrun cars. The officers soon realised

he was plastered when he was unable to form coherent

sentences and run fast or in a straight line. Thankfully they

took pity on this lone Geordie far from home and took him

to Wilson.

Early the next morning, on the grass just inside Hyde Park Sister Ragina woke. In a sleep deprived

drunken blur he shouted “is anyone still at the union?” before making eye contact with Prince Albert

and soon realising where he was and that it was the early hours of Saturday Morning. To this day he

still has no idea how he got to Hyde Park or why he fell asleep there.

Although many of the nuns can’t remember fresher’s dinner, it’s sure to be a night they’ll never forget!

Willy Plonker and others kept us irrigated

Thanks to Matt Genge for the informative speech The Rembrandt greatly enjoyed hosting us

How to: MASH it like MEACH (RSM Hockey President) [We can’t believe this is being published but Meach insisted it was necessary]

Mashed potatoes. A national treasure and student staple, however it appears that many students struggle to find

that perfect mash.

Years of hearsay and guesswork have led to some mashing disasters with gloopy mess of lumpy abominations.

Never fear, I am here to guide you into a new world, where the potatoes are always smooth and silky.

Follow these simple steps for a perfect mash.

The Spuds

The humble potato. The perennial British side dish takes many forms. From

chips to dumplings there are endless ways to enjoy, but when it comes down

to it you can’t beat a mash.

As the star of the dish we need to choose are potato wisely. Choose one that

is too hard and you will end up with lumps; one that is too floury and you

can’t achieve silky perfection.

I prefer a Maris Piper, it has just the right consistency, however a King

Edward will work just as well. For those on a tighter budget, white potatoes

from your local supermarkets own brand will suffice, just be sure to add an extra couple of minutes to the boiling

time to blast out the extra starch.

The Equipment

To the untrained this may seem a trivial step. However, the tools you use are just as important as the potatoes

themselves.

A large saucepan is essential. It must be big enough to fit you slice and diced tatties in without overcrowding; as

this will lead to an inconsistent boil and lumpy mash.

A good peeler and a sharp knife are also essential.

The actual mashing equipment is trickier. The first thing you must do is avoid cheap plastic

hand mashers, they are ineffectual and can snap if you put too much force on them. I

know mashers who swear by a food processor, but this is just lazy, the satisfaction you get

from a hand mash is half the joy! Food processors can be useful for some specialty mashes

(we will get to that later).

So we have decided to hand mash our spuds. There are three things to look for in a good masher.

A sturdy, HORIZONTAL, handle. A vertical handle doesn’t allow good enough leverage for a

smooth mash. A metal masher. Plastic is weak and will not stand up to the beating you are going

to give it. Slotted holes. Not round or square, long thin rectangles will give you the best purchase

on those slippery spuds.

Maris Piper – The perfect masher

Don’t be a fool

The One.

How to: MASH it like MEACH continues...

The Procedure 7 simple steps.

1) Peel 2) Slice small regular chunks ~1-1.5cm3 3) Boil. Add to salted boiling water for ~15 minutes. You cannot over boil a mash, but under boiled mash will

become lumpy 4) Drain. Thoroughly 5) Add your loosener. I prefer an olive spread but other spreads are fine. Be aware that your spread will impart

some flavours to the mash so be sure to taste before you season. 6) As a side note, some people want to add milk at this stage. Don’t. If your mash is too starchy then you have

either under boiled your potatoes or chosen the wrong one to begin with. 7) Mash. Thoroughly. I can’t emphasise this enough, it’s even

in the name of the food mash that damn potato. 8) Season, mix in salt and pepper to taste

You now have a perfect mash… almost

If you are keeping it plain then there is one more thing to add to make it perfect, one egg yolk (per 0.5kg of potatoes used). This will make your mash silky smooth and the envy of all your friends. If you want to make something a little bit different then read on.

The Twist There are many ways to tweak the above to make something new. A clove or two of garlic, or a handful of sharp cheddar cheese are a simple way to add the extra edge.

Some different roots can completely transform the meal. Switch out half the spuds for sweet potatoes for a Caribbean twist that goes perfectly with jerked chicken. Add celeriac and a touch of apple for a tangy treat. Carrots, parsnips even beetroots can all give new elements and colour to the dish and make a roast dinner extra special.

Adding garden peas or broad beans will give a vibrant green colour and goes perfectly with fish. Note that when adding peas or beans you will want to blitz them in a food processor first as they can be stubborn to hand mashing.

Blitz sundried tomatoes and add for a beautiful ‘blushing’ mash, which goes well with red meats or gamey seafood like tuna.

All in all get creative. There are endless ways to mix it up and turn the humble potato into the star of your meal.

Chef Meacher,

your resident culinary expert. I should probably go do my Msci now….

Mash-tastic

Pea mash, beet-

root mash and

sweet potato

mash.

Hansel and Gretel á la RSM Hansel was a slightly older fellow who after many beverages would often be seem roaming the land looking for a

suitable companion. Gretel, on the other hand, was a young girl with a trusting nature but knew to stay away

from the likes of Hansel. In this version of the story, Gretel lives in a gingerbread house and Hermione the witch

lived in the nearby House of Beit.

In this story, after a few too many berry beverages, Gretel was lured into the local dancing venue by the hard-

hitting beats and sticky floors, however as a consequence her judgements became clouded.

Hansel was also present and was out to find a new friend. The familiar tune of the Tom Barling song came on and

both Hansel and Gretel knew the importance of this momentous song (Newquay’13) and were soon dancing

away and embracing the music and eventually each other.

After being disturbed and paparazzied by on lookers (The picture made all Facebook timelines due to a kind

donation), the two were advised to leave the venue and follow the pavement cracks home.

Gretel told Hansel that she wasn’t going to let him into her gingerbread house and to her surprise he agreed with

no objection stating he was simply going to make sure she got home safe and was not attacked by any mythical

creatures on the way.

As the gingerbread house came into view Gretel asked how Hansel was getting home from here and was

surprised that the short distance apparently required two magic carpet rides.

At the door to the gingerbread house, Hansel was still there, swaying slightly in his intoxicated state. As Gretel

opened the door, ready to say goodbye, Hansel followed her in and she decided that in his current state the

safest option for him would to sleep on the floor.

She got ready for bed in the usual fashion – putting her pyjamas on and taking her make up off – only to turn

round to see Hansel undressed down to his boxers and getting into her bed.

By this time, Gretel was tiring and just wanted sleep so she got in beside him with the sole intention to go

straight to sleep and forget about what had happened. However it appeared Hansel had other ideas…

After unwanted hand advances from Hansel being slapped away and rejected several times, it went quiet and

Gretel thought Hansel had finally got the hint, yet a small time later, the famous words came: (whisper) ”Gretel…

I’m naked”. To Gretel’s disapproval Hansel had undressed fully. She kindly rejected the advances with the blunt

line of “I don’t care, I’m going to sleep”.

It appeared that the message was not getting through to

Hansel as even after several trip to the toilet, the boxers

were put back on and removed each time in hope that

Gretel had somehow had a change of heart.

The next morning Hansel was unaware of the previous

night’s antics and left the gingerbread house never to

return again.

Anon.

On The Biological Weathering of Granitic Formations

“Many millenia of subaerial processes have worn back country rock, exposing a once buried batholith as a tower of jointed stone standing very alone in a desolate bog with only Moss to

serve it company.”

(William Wordsworth, 1801)

In fresher weather a Tor (Welsh: tŵr)

Stands 5 feet something tall.

Highly Feldspathic and

Sensu lato granitic

with kitchen worktop potential.

Moss, a tall thin stalk with a pentagonal

Capsule for a head, populates the damp,

Surrounding soil.

Spores, in hospitable Embargonian

Climes climb the airy ladder

To a mezzanine resting place.

The Tor’s face, deeply weathered

From previous Mosses

Eagerly welcomes another.

A sultry night leaves the Moss

Dessicated. Fortunately the

Wet granite is still dripping,

Water into the Moss.

Rainshowers attract Slugs and

Slime mingles with kaolinite.

A murky, white juice slops

Around the base of the Tor,

Whilst five feet up

It invites Moss into damp

Facial crevasses

And The Slug crawls off into the night.

Anon.

J.Moss Tor Tennant

19th November – the debut game for this year’s RSM team. A time for seniors to reassert their dominance and

hockey prowess, for freshers to show what they can offer to an already successful team.

The first game was away at Royal Holloway, a team we’ve enjoyed previous successes against, although being

in a new league means we know little of what to expect. Playing 4-4-2, we had a good first 5 minutes, applying

pressure in the midfield and exerting pressure all over the pitch. The game then settled down to a good pace,

although little happening outside of the middle third. We began to play balls up higher into their third,

however this lead to our downfall. With our team beginning to push up, Holloway forwards managed to break

as a group of 4 into the only 2 defenders that remained. While their efforts were valiant, a 1 on 1 with our

keeper (Ben Warnick) led to them taking the lead. Another 10 minutes past when the effects of Freshers’

Dinner kicked in, we were becoming worn and tired, ready for a half time sit-down. Unfortunately this was

when RH pushed forward. With most of our defence back, what seemed to be a cross came in from the left

hand side of our D. While the defence focused on where the ball should have gone, it was in fact miss-hit and

sliced into our goal. 2-0. RSM then began a spell of excellent hockey, a combination of good running and

passing led to 3 short corners, however none were converted. Just before the half was done, a ball was fired

into our D which was neatly touched in by their forward, a good goal by all accounts and not too much more

we could’ve done. Halftime then came and went.

The second half began from where we’d left off, the break brought back our energy (and spirits) as we

pressured forward and played some good attacking hockey. This was when Rich (today’s man of the match)

came into his own, with runs that beat several defenders and all finished with a clean pass off. This was when

the RSM came closest to scoring, however Matt couldn’t quite find the goal we needed. Jos’s great runs down

the left and Rowan’s looping chucks over were also encouraging, but we just could not get the shots off. RH, in

one attack, seemed to place their entire team into our D, leading to a goal mouth scramble in which our

esteemed president was on his stomach for a minute trying to get in the way of the ball and out of the way of

Meacher’s giant sweeps. Unfortunately, despite the effort put in by our defence, we went 4-0 down. Just 30

seconds later, we conceded again, this time a clinical finish on the edge of the D by their forward to take them

to 5. Our heads fell and our feet felt heavier as we tried to hold onto our integrity, something we did until the

final whistle. Some great patches of hockey from the RSM, good signs for the future weeks following more

practise together and less Fresher’s dinners. Man of the Match: Rich Price.

Champagne moment: Meach cleaves a RH forward such that the player has to retire.

Thanks for coming: Ben Bell for prioritising IC hockey. Poor.

Benedict Conway-Jones

RSM Hockey

We would like to thank

for kindly sponsoring Issue 880

The Freshers’ Handbook