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Editor-In-ChiefNatasha Jones

Assistant EditorsTrenton Canada

Jillian Carpenter

Design EditorChristin Rottenberger

Faculty Adv isorJeremiah Massengale

Sta ff WritersAutumn Cooney

Lydia JayShyann NorrisAshton Rector

Sta ff PhotographerJay Sanksakulchai

Editor ia l Rev iew BoardLisa Bartram

Marianne Worthington

- 7609 College Station Drive Williamsburg, Ky 40769

(606-539-4172

/patriotnewspaper @UCThePatriot

*thepatriot@ucumberlands.edu

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The Patriot is the biweekly student publication of the University of the Cumberlands. Our goal is to provide timelyand original content by highlighting campus news and views.

Award-winning member of the Kentucky Press Association.

CONTENTS

UCTHEPATRIOT

Lights out

How Convo forced me towork at McDonalds

Star in the making

Henrietta haunting new halls

Letter from the Editor

FDISCLAIMER

This issue was made in the intentions of particpating in April Fools’ Day. The stories in thisissue are fictionalized and do not in any way represent the views of The Patriot or the University of the Cumberlands. We hope you enjoy!

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Residents at the University of the Cumberlands awoke Tuesday morning tofind that the electricity had been turned off in all on-campus dorms.

“At first I thought I’d gone blind, but then I started yelling at my roommate,and he said he couldn’t see either. We tried to turn the lights on, but they weregone,” said Darren Sparks, a freshman at UC. “We heard other people yellingfrom down the hall, too.”

UC officials released a statement late Tuesday afternoon, assuring the studentpopulation that the lights had been turned off for a valid reason. According tothe statement, the administration has chosen to focus the university’s funds to-ward more productive means around campus, such as “developing more land-scaped areas for visual appeal” and beginning “construction to expand thefootball stadium.”

One administrator, who declined to have his name included in this article,said, “I understand that the students may think that this is somewhat extreme,but in time they’ll come to understand our decision. We only want what’s bestfor them. Electricity isn’t really needed on campus. Our founders worked foryears by candlelight, and I think we’ll come to accept that this is a tradition thatwill herald us into the future.” He went on to say, “What our university reallyneeds to focus on is gaining more athletic merit. We can’t seem to keep our ath-letes in school, so we have to appeal to them. That’s why we’ve chosen to takeall of the funding for electricity and channel it into our football stadium and per-

haps even adding new sports fields.”The community surrounding the university has praised the choice to focus

more attention on sports. Joseph Simpleton, a resident of Williamsburg, Ken-tucky, said, “It’s about time the school gave more to sports. It helps the regularpeople out in the community. We don’t get anything from those students beingable to read at night, but we do get something from watching those touchdownsand slam dunks.”

The news that power would be striped from their on-campus facilities re-sulted in mixed responses from the student body. Jennifer Riot, an honor studentat UC, stated in a letter addressed to the board of directors, “We’ve been deniedthe right to power. Education should not have to come second to that of sports.Our departments need computer labs, and our library needs books that aren’t ir-relevant to modern times. We, the students, are craving the resources to be edu-cated and expand our knowledge, but it’s not offered.”

The official response to this was, “Turning off the lights around UC’s campuswill not hinder the educational pursuits of our students. We must learn to utilizewhat we have, such as the sun and moon light provided by God. He gives us thatknowing that we can place our funds in other places, like our athletics programs.He is without a doubt a Patriots fan and He’s telling us to ‘go deep’.”

BY TRENTON CANADA

Assistant Editor

Lights outUC cuts electricity, begins plan for new stadiums Photo by Jill ian Carpenter

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BY ASHTON RECTOR

Sta ff Writer

Henrietta, the ghost who previously resided in Gillespie Hall, has decidedto move dorms before the end of the semester. She will be packing and makingher exit from the hall the first weekend in April in hopes to make new friendswhom has never met her before. Henrietta says, “I’m just ready for a change,everyone is used to me being around in Gillespie so it’s just not as fun any-more.”

Rumor has it; Henrietta’s boyfriend had decided to leave her, while shewas a student at the University of the Cumberlands, causing her to commit sui-cide. However, she has never truly left the university as she has kept her ghostlypresence among the student population. Henrietta chose not to comment onthis matter.

Her plans are to move closer to the male dorms in hopes to find a new fi-ancé, as well. Henrietta also adds, “I have become really close with some of

the girls in Gillespie, I visit them often, but I’m more interested now in findingsomeone to settle down with. It’s time to move on.”

Students on campus have varying opinions about this matter. UC studentand resident of Gillespie, Felicia Webb, emphatically replied to the news with“Bye, Henrietta.” While other students are eager to meet the ghost and welcomeher with open arms. UC student Katie Dots, Henrietta’s new roommate, is quieteager to receive a new college. Dots states, “I’ve never seen a ghost before andshe’s so popular. I’m just afraid it will be hard to keep things on the walls be-cause I know she has a problem with that.”

Any students interested in helping Henrietta move out her personal itemscan meet on Gillespie Hall’s front porch on April 1st to ensure she has a suc-cessful move.

Henrietta haunting new halls

Photo by Jill ian Carpenter

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Starting in fall of 2016, University of the Cumberlands is going to offer allclasses only in the Hebrew language. UC has always been focused on keepingits faculty, staff, and students grounded in the roots of Christianity. Each studentis required to take two religion courses before they graduate and attend at leasttwo faith convocations each semester. The campus offers several active faith-based groups, such as Baptist Campus Ministries.

The King James Version of the Bible, originally translated by over 50 schol-ars from a combination of the English, Greek and Hebrew manuscripts, is whatis widely used on this campus currently. However, debate of translation incon-sistencies have caused UC to make the decision to get back to the original He-brew manuscripts that the King James Version is based on. Dr. Bob Dunston,religion professor at UC, is all for this new requirement. "We want students tohave a knowledge of the original Scriptures, so they can make decisions forthemselves rather than simply believing that these translations are true." sayDunston.

Getting a well-rounded of an understanding of a foreign language is no easytask. Learning a language with a different alphabet is even harder. It's a taskthat should take more than four years worth of classes. In order to ensure thateach student has a sufficient understanding of Hebrew by the time they graduate,UC is going to offer all classes only in Hebrew, in addition to requiring all stu-dents to take six semesters of Hebrew language courses. The transition will

start in summer of 2016. Instructors will go through an intensive, 16-week setof Hebrew courses. Instructors will be allowed to teach in a mixture of Hebrewand English for the first fall semester during this transition. After, instructorswill only be permitted to teach in a mixture of Hebrew and English for all 100level classes. Classes level 200 and up will be taught only in Hebrew. Eachstudent will be required to speak in Hebrew during all classes, as well as com-plete all homework, online and paper, in Hebrew. While grammar and spellingwill only be intensely scrutinized during Hebrew language classes, points willbe taken off assignments in all classes if the work is hard to understand. Also,all the religion classes will be taught using both the version of the Bible that iscurrently being used as well has the original Hebrew bible. "It's going to be arough transition, but I fully believe it will be worth it once the new system be-gins to work smoothly." says Dunston.

The university hopes that the students will be able to write and speak flu-ently in Hebrew by the end of a four-year education. Being a Christian univer-sity, UC wants students to have a well-rounded knowledge of Christianity. Theyhope this will help students obtain more knowledge and get closer to Christ inthe process.

Changes are a brewingUC to offer all classes in Hebrew

BY JILLIAN CARPENTER

Assistant Editor

Photo by Jay Sanksakulchai

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Although fans of One Direction are saddened to hear of the departure ofZayn Malik. There are those who question the fate of One Direction as a bandwith just four of the band mates instead of five. However, One Direction’s rep-resentative has insisted and reassured fans that they will continue to be the bestthat they can be and that Harry, Louis, Niall, and Liam are excited for their up-coming recording album and their next tour seeing their adoring fans who meanso much to them. Nevertheless, One Direction is open to adding a new memberto their band. Due to the short notice of pursuing a new member for their bandthey are holding a worldwide audition for a potential new addition that wouldbe a valueable asset to the group. Many singers across the world are signingup to audition for a once in a lifetime opportunity, to be the new fifth memberof One Direction.

In a surprising, yet related, story, University of the Cumberlands Dean ofUndergraduate Studies, Retention, and Assessment Dr. Tom Fish has recentlyannounced his departure from the University of Cumberlands to the Board of

Trustees to pursue this opportunity with One Direction. Dr. Fish’s reasoningfor this abrupt departure from the University is solely to pursue his dream ofdisplaying his melodic, harmonizing vocals for the world to hear. Fish hopesto nail the audition and go on to travel the world with One Direction. He notedthat for many years he’s been hoping to join a singing group of males fromEngland. Fish is seizing the moment by going after his dream.

Dr. Fish says, “My time spent at University of the Cumberlands has beenwell spent and I will forever be grateful, however the time has come for me toshare with the world my musical talents".

Although Dr. Fish will be missed, may we all accept and honor his decisionand we wish him the best as he pursues this new story of his life.

Dr. Fish’s Journey To Fame

Star in the making

BY LYDIA JAY

Sta ff Writer

Photo by Pat R iot

Jousting team coming to UC

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The University of the Cumberlands office of multimedia and athletic serv-ices has announced that the medieval sport of jousting will be added to the listof our extensive athletic programs here at UC. If you’re not familiar with joust-ing, in this sport two opponents dressed in heavy armor, mounted on horseswith long swords charge at one another and the object is to knock the otheropponent off their horse.

For those of you who think this sport is too dangerous, rest assured they’vealready got the safety precautions and possible incentives ready to negotiate.Tiny Tomlin, the head coach of the new jousting team said, “Jousters will beprovided the best of medical insurance to cover any injuries that might occur,medical personnel will be on sight at every tournament, and in addition towearing armor, the jouster’s uniform will have several layers of bubble wrapto ensure a safe fall when crumbling to their defeat.”

In the event of a life shattering injury, the university is prepared to com-pensate students. “Free textbooks and getting ownership of the horses theycompeted with. No payment needed at all. Jousters will be given their tourna-ment horse,” said Tomlin.

While some may frown upon this addition, the administration truly be-lieves it continues to give us an edge over all other universities. We’re all aboutbreaking records and that’s why we feel we should be the first university tobring jousting as a sport to our students. Go big or go home is a well-knownphrase known to our campus and we believe that’s exactly what we’re doingwith this move.

While in our first year, our players will compete against one another forshowcase and will be judged by a handpicked panel of historians who special-ize in the study of jousting. We predict that in the years to come other univer-sities in the mid south conference will follow our lead and create a joustingteam, which will populate a pool of competitors.

Both a men’s and women’s team will be available which will make a totalof 24 athletic programs offered to females and also 24 athletic programs offeredto males. This addition will continue to give UC the reputation that shows whywe’re the number one private college around.

BY NATASHA JONES

Editor-in-Chief

Photo by Pat R iot

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Feat

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As graduation approaches for many, it is the time where everyone scram-bles and hustles around to make sure everything they need done is completedin time to apply for graduation. A few years ago, many nearly graduated seniorsof the spring semester have been notified that not all requirements and creditswere completely fulfilled after thinking for past months that graduation wasjust ahead.

These credits and requirements that they were lacking though were nothingordinary and most didn’t even have anything to do with their major. Studentswith high honors and GPAs were even getting told that they were missing acredit or two in something that was UC required for a college diploma. Thesestudents had no idea. They were dumbfounded by the fact that they could pos-sibly not graduate as early as anticipated because of a few credits that weren’teven required for their particular bachelor’s degree. Would this mean they werejust going to quit school completely so they wouldn’t have to complete an entireyear over again for a few silly credits? What would their future be like? Afterspeaking to one of these students, we got a little bit of insight of what it waslike to be in their shoes.

After a risky and upsetting interview for some of these students, it was dis-covered that convocation was what was holding them up from receiving theirdiploma in May. Suzie Sanderson stated, “I was anticipating graduation after ordering my capand gown and everything, but I never got to walk across the stage. All I couldremember was a phone call saying I had failed convo.” Tears were shed as the student explained that she was unable to complete an-other entire year because of family issues she needed to be home for and the

funds weren’t there. Sanderson added, while crying, “There were no more funds available for meto continue on, I just had to give up.” This meant dropping out for Sanderson. After all of the work that had been putinto these four years, she had no other choice but to continue on with theirplans (minus the diploma and being a college graduate).We were able to meet up with some of these students recently to see wherethey were now in the world. Some had decent jobs that made what they wouldwith their college degree; however, most didn’t. The student we had formerlyhad a detailed interview with had explained to me that they were now workingat McDonald’s in Louisville making $7.90 an hour. “It is terrible work, I amprobably stuck here with a lifelong career,” Sanderson said. Sanderson was desperate for something more, but there was no way possible.This potential college graduate with a criminal justice degree was now barelymaking ends meet at a chain restaurant, all because she didn’t pass convoca-tion.With all this in mind, we can learn from past occurrences and go to convocationas recommended in our UC handbook. I know it can be challenging at times tomanage classes and convocation but it is much better to handle a little bit ofstress and have to manage time more wisely for a few years than to work at achain restaurant or do “dirty work” the rest of your life after spending all ofyour time and money in school for four or more years.Sanderson insisted that she made sure you were left with this, “Go to convokid, each and every one of you.”

From failing convo to failing life

BY SHYA NN NORRIS

Sta ff Writer

How Convo can really ruin your life

Photo by Jil lian Carpenter

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Features

April Fools' Day, it can be the best or the worst day of the year, dependingon how well you can take a joke and the role you play on this day of days. Buthow did it all begin? The day's beginning is a mystery. The most realistic theoryis that it began in the 1500s, when France changed to the Gregorian calendar,shifting New Year celebrations from late March to January. There were stillthose who celebrated New Year’s in the spring and were called “fools,” thusApril Fools’ was born. Over the years the holiday grew into a worldwidechaotic prank fest. Some pranks created laughter, others fear, some chaos, butthere are a few that have made the record books as being “The Greatest Pranksof all Time!” Such as “The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest,” in 1957. The “Eruptionof Mount Edgecumbe,” in 1974, and Nixon for President, in 1992. There’s somany more! April Fools’ is a time for laughter and shenanigans made by all.With April Fools’ Day around the corner, several University of the Cumber-lands students revealed their “Greatest April Fools’ Pranks.” It turns out thatthe University of the Cumberlands has some pretty devious pranksters amongstthe student body. But who is the Fool of Fools?

Female, Sophomore. (Age 19)“My older sister is deathly afraid of birds. I decided to use this to my ad-

vantage last year for April Fools’. She leaves for work at 8:00 in the morning;the night before I took jars of peanut butter and smeared it all over her car. Itook me two hours and 10 jars of peanut butter, but once the peanut butter wasall over her car, I threw handfuls of bird seed on top of her car. I woke up toher screaming as she went to leave for work. I’m pretty sure the whole townheard her scream! The birds sure did because they flew away instantly. Butthey came back for seconds because her car was like that the entire day. Myfamily still doesn’t know it was me.”

Male, Senior. (Age, 22)“My little brother wanted a dog once I went off to college. I figured that if

I could be a grown up so could he. He was 12 at the time. My parents wouldn’tgive in and buy him the dog so I finally bought one for him. But once I got itfor him week after week I was getting these annoying phone calls from mymom, telling me how he’s not taking care of the pup. Well, I finally went home,and it was just a coincidence that it was April Fools’ weekend. When I got

home my brother was at school so I took the pup over to my friend’s house.When my brother came home I asked him where the dog was. He searchedeverywhere for that dog he never took care of. I had my other friend come overwith an old torn up dog collar. We told my little brother his dog got ran over.I’ve never seen him so upset. The next day I had my friend bring the pup back.Since then he’s taken great care of it. Lesson learned.”

Female, Freshman. (Age, 18)“I worked in an office for my first job. I was absolutely horrible and my

boss was a total slave driver. He would always say something wasn’t goodenough, only because it wasn’t done ‘his’ way. It was my job to get the dough-nuts in the morning for all the workers. Everyone for some reason loved pow-ered doughnuts. So I got the doughnuts the night before and added an extraingredient to them. Baking Soda. I took them to work the next morning andwithin minutes they were all gone. As I started organizing my desk all youcould hear was sounds of disgust filling the office. I’ve never laughed to muchin my life.”

Male, Senior. (Age 23)“Last April Fools’ I wanted to do the prank of all pranks. I live in a small

town where there are little stores and shops everywhere you turn. Me and mybuddy woke up just as the sun was rising and went into each store wearingface masks. We went into each store getting all the money out of each andevery cash register we ran into. The over-all total was 10 stores and $50,000.To this day I’m still surprised that the police never showed up. But we drovejust outside the city limits and buried all the case by a tree on a hill. And weagreed to only use the money when it was necessary. When we drove pack intotown the police showed up and were assisting all the shop owners. No one hadany idea that it was us. And to this day if you walk through my town you’llhear the story of the “two that robbed us all.” It was the greatest prank to everbe played. But it was a team effort and has been beneficial after all these years.How do you think I pay to attend the University of the Cumberlands? Collegeisn’t cheap. That’s the truth, but the story I just told is not. April Fools!”

The fool of fools who fooled

BY AUTUMN COONEY

Sta ff Writer