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adVerbWorldwide April 8, 10
Kittens.Is there anything cuter?
www.savethekitties.net/
For All Your Needs! 628C Broadway Ave
The Beaver Shop
Local man puts mustard, hopein bologna sandwich, P2
The adVerb is a satiricalnewspaper intended for co-
medic purposes only. Articles
contained herein cannot be
considered factual and should
be disregarded immediate-ly. Any similarity to any truestory is an accident or an
oversight by adVerb editors.
The adVerb is a production of
the Sheaf Publishing Society.
ACHTUNG!
Riders News P4
Imported News P3
Angry Angry ElephantsPowerful pachyderm pum-
mels peaceful partygoers
Genital WartsNo football season? No
problem. Weve got all your
Riders coverage despite a
lack of stories. Rider pride 4
eva.
Elementaryschool bookfair sees
record profits, new stock
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Domestic2 Remember to burn this, k?Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010
ThursdaysManly Night!!!
Stags, Birthdays,Special Events orJust a Boys NightOut!!!
All Night ManlyDrink Specials
Female Servers!!!Live entertainment from
DJ PARTYBOY
at that Shitty Baron 8th Street!
SASKATOON, SK Sas-katoons Credit UnionCentre, once known asSaskatchewan Place,
will once again be re-christened this summer,this time as SaskEnergy-
PotashCorp Performing
Arts, Sports and CulturalCentre of Saskatoon andSurrounding Area.
The venue will be
temporarily shut down
while the required extra
lettering is manufactured.
The venues first of-
ficial booking will be
a once-in-a-lifetime
double header on July 25
featuring Diana Krall and
Rob Zombie.
Credit Union Centre to be re-named
SASKATOON, SK May-or Don Atchison spent
April 6 touring Saska-toon schools discussinghis new diet and life-style.
The legendarily rotund
civic politician is a recent
devotee of the contro-
versial Atkins diet, andclaims he has seen great
results in the few weeks
he has been on the diet.
He was touring ele-
mentary schools to show
his dedication to prevent-
ing diabetes. Critics of
the mayor have often
lambasted him for being
a negative role model for
children due to his obese
frame and seeming
unwillingness to change.
However, when Atchison
found a diet that allowed
him to continue eating
fatty meats and ignore
the basic tenets of nu-
trition, he said he was
hooked.Look at me! he
instructed children at a
Victoria School assembly,
lifting his shirt to reveal a
vast expanse of ripples,
dimples and nipples.
As the children giggled
and blew up their cheeks
in imitation of Atchison,
His Worship grew sullen
and hastily tucked his
shirt back in.
You dont know what
youre missing, he said.
A diet where you can
eat all the steak you
want and your wife isnt
allowed to make you eat
bread? Come on!
Atchison left in dis-gust when it became
clear the children were
more concerned with the
amount of cooties they
had contracted by being
near a married man than
with the merits of the
Atkins diet.
Mayor exposes himself to
Saskatoon schoolchildren
SASKATOON, SK Localpool cleaner Dustin Rousestepped into unchartedterritory earlier this week
when he made his custom-ary bologna and margarine
sandwich with a third top-ping of mustard.
"It's pretty tasty. I might
consider doing it again,"
Rouse told the StarPhoenix,
which led to the adVerb sim-
ply stealing the quote without
doing any sort of reporting.
The addition of mustard to
Rouse's sandwich comes at a
time of great personal strug-
gles in the 24-year-old's life.
Rouse had recently broken up
with his girlfriend and often
told friends how depressed
he was, but the triple-topping
sandwich changed all that.
"We've noticed a big
difference," Rouse's mother
told Planet S magazine. "Hehas talked about getting his
life in order, going back to
school and maybe even try-
ing banana peppers on his
sandwich someday."
"I think Im really turning
over a new leaf here," Rouse
tried to tell the adVerb, but
was summarily shut down
since we don't do our own
reporting.
Man adds thirdsandwich topping
photo by seventwentysk
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Dumbo donedone it
Imported3Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010 Remember to burn this, k?
cat mobilechanging the world
one kitten at a time.
www.slarpa.com/
Considering a
Change in Career?
this could be you!
It's after 3pm...
Do you know
WHERE YOUR
CHILDREN ARE
Chicken Palace
Tastes like
chicken!
TORONTO, ON Canadiancable subscribers will soonhave a new channel to
choose from, when Axiom:the Discursive Network hitsairwaves this spring.
The channel will feature
spoken word renderings of
classics by such notable
thinkers as Schopenhauer,
Hegel, Kant and Aristotle, and
will hold primetime dinner
and a discourse program-
ming, where viewers will be
encouraged to call in anddebate with one another.
The channel will also
feature a weekly Nihilism
Night, during which time the
channel will be removed from
airwaves.
New philosophy channel to be introducedElephant attacks institution of marriage
JAIPUR, India Anelephant rampage ata Hindu wedding hasleft five dead, doz-ens injured and over$250,000 worth ofdamage.
The groom intended
to ride the decorated
male elephant as part of
the traditional ceremony,
but at the last minute the
elephant turned violent,
overturning tables of food
and attempting to matewith a truck.
Clearly, this elephant
wanted to make a state-
ment about the institu-
tion of marriage, how it
enforces gender stereo-
types and substitutes
a meaningless contract
for true love, said one
expert.
The elephant has
also been criticized by
conservative bloggers for
destroying a heterosexual
wedding and therefore
promoting the homo-
sexual agenda.
This faggot elephant
wants to marry other
male elephants? Not on
my watch, wrote one
such blogger. I believe in
marriage between a male
mammal and a female
mammal!
Attendees at the wed-ding expressed sadness
that the elephant would
use the joyous occasion
to make a political state-
ment. The elephant could
not be reached for com-
ment and was last seen
rolling happily in a mud
pit.
NEW CANAAN, CT Al-though many have ques-tioned the legitimacy ofthe lunar landing, notmany have questionedthe existence of spaceitself that is, untilrecently.
Glenn Beck has releaseda new book about govern-
ment conspiracy, this time
taking aim at outer space
itself. The book is calledSpace: a Cosmic Liberal
Lie.
On a recent radio
broadcast on The GlennBeck Program, the best-
selling author explained
his main arguments
against the existence of
other planets, stars and
galaxies.Ever got out a ladder,
climbed up about 40 feet
and touched the sky? I
have. And I think if yougive it a shot, youll be
pleasantly surprised, said
Beck, There is no outer
space. Common sense,folks. What looks like stars
is actually the reflections
of streetlights on a black
sheet suspended about 40feet in the air.
Despite his theory
being easily tested and
disproved, the novel hasquickly moved into the
best-seller list.
Glenn Beck callsbullshit on space
photo by Valerie Rene
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Riders4 Remember to burn this, k?Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010
SEYMOUR BUTTS
ANYTOWN, USA After a
season of many upsets andinspiring scenes of sports-manship, a local sportsteam has risen to the topof their very competitiveleague, and emerged victori-ous.
The team a band of
misfits and renegades, the
likes of which our sleepy
community has never seen
started the season at the
bottom of the league andmany were heard grumbling
that they would never make
it, and might as well just get
back to their lives of poverty
and strife.
The young athletes, who
now feel embarrassed by
their defeatist attitudes, at-
tribute their success to their
inspiring coach. Star player
Drew Larson said, Coach
was great. At the start of theseason our practices were
pretty bad. Sometimes things
got wacky or violent, and
a lot of the time it seemed
like we didnt even know
how to play the game. But
coach never let us give up on
ourselves.
Coach Reynolds a
taciturn sort who used to be
a pro player until a combina-
tion of drugs and alcoholjaded him and stole away
his love of the game as-
sured reporters that he was
no hero.
These kids have taughtme a lot about myself, he
said with renewed optimism
about life.
Though their season
ended in a great triumph in
which the team scored a mi-
raculous come-from-behind
win against their arch-rivals,
the Clark County Upperclass,
the seasons was not without
its struggles.
Sure, we were all prettydejected after our 87-3 loss
in that first game against
Clark County, admitted Coach
Reynolds, but after Sookie
Wilson was hit by that drunk
driver, the team really rallied
around him.
Even the teams troubled
youth Trig Davies has learned
from this heartwarming,
almost made-for-TV tale of
underdogs finding success.This team has given me
a lot, said Davies. I now
have grit, determination and
a new outlook on life. None
of that will help me survive
the violent hell that is my life,
especially with my drug-
addicted father constantly
beating me for getting good
grades but hey, it sure
was a great season!
Sports team triumphsover adversity
They both bleed green
GRODY WANG
REGINA, SK Riders,Riders, Riders! And moreRiders! Even though theCFL season doesnt com-mence for months, theadVerb brings you themost non-relevant, out ofdate, celebrity oriented,misleading sports sto-ries coming out of RiderNation. Fuck the rest ofsports when we can talkshop about the Roughrid-
ers!If Andy Fantuz gets
an erection were on it!
Gainer the Gopher loses
his virginity, were there!
Hell, if the Riders installsome new uprights in Mo-
saic Stadiums end zones,
guaranteed the adVerb has
it covered.This week, however,
still months before the CFL
kicks off, reports are circu-lating in Regina about a
seriously inflamed and rare
case of genital warts head
coach Ken Miller has beensuffering from of late.
Since the adVerb could
not attain an exclusive
interview with Miller, wecopied and pasted from
the StarPhoenixs website
as per usual.
Shits been pussin andred, said an exasperated
Miller, speaking about hisunfortunate condition after
receiving the diagnosis.But dont worry my
condition wont thwart our
chances this season. If
anything, the warts are ablessing in disguise. Think
of the possibilities. I can
see the newspaper head-
lines now: Riders Win
Grey Cup; Genital Warts
Epidemic Grips CFL. Yeah,that sounds pretty good,
concluded Miller.
Well see whos talking
about a 13th man or sex-offending general manag-
ers then! concluded a
defiant Miller.
Miller vows he will stillhave daily contact with
his team but says he
must perform his duties
from the sidelines withinthe confines of a plastic
bubble due to the severecontagiousness of his
disease. It still remains un-clear how Miller contracted
the warts but sources
insist the stagnant water
from the Temple GardensMineral Spa in Moose Jaw
is to blame.
What do genital warts and Ridersfans have in common?
photo by Hiestand24
(Sports)
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Nightlife5Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010 Remember to burn this, k?
Gettin wasted at WinstonsThe adVerb Party Krew was out
in full force at Winstons last Friday
night. Relegated to the basement of
the Hotel Senator, the adVerb was
treated to all the hospitality of theIrish.
The upstairs areas of the bar
may be undergoing a full trans-
formation, but the basement is as
dingy and scummy as ever. The
mildew riddled walls and disgusting
bathroom facilities are the perfect
petri dish in which to grow infec-
tious party cultures.
The real treat is their semi-regular
beer nights. Theyre a cheap way toget shitrocked, but show up early,
those kegs run dry at 9 p.m. sharp.
Dont be fooled by the decor. The
cups may be plastic, but the atmo-
sphere is pure crystal.
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LOS ANGELES, CA Uni-versal Studios announcedtoday that The GreatOutdoorswill be latestin a series of 80s movieremakes. The Great Out-doors: Part Twowill star
John Candy, the flamboy-ant and jovial deceasedCanadian actor.
Though Candy died of a
massive heart attack a full
16 years before the begin-
ning of production, videog-
raphers will be creating
Candys parts by stringing
together digitally enhancedclips of his previous films.
The other actors will
shoot in front of a green
screen, so they can be in-
serted into their interactions
with Candy.
This is a huge leap
forward for us as a stu-
dio, said Tad Greenwich,
spokesperson for Universal
Studios. We believe that
what the world needs right
now is more 80s throw-
backs, and John Candy is
the perfect platform for this.
Hes the chubby goofball
you cant help but love, and
I think hell prove he still
has plenty of life left in him
yet!
The story begins when a
modern family purchases an
old wood-paneled station
wagon for their summer tripto the lake that turns out
to be a time machine. They
are miraculously teleported
back to rustic locale of
1987 Pechoggin, Wiscon-
sin, where they encounter
Candy, who teaches them
the value of family.
Lindsay Lohan has
signed on to play Candys
love interest. She told Vari-
ety this week that she is so
pumped.
Lohan acknowledged the
drastic age difference, but
she said todays audiences
were ready to start breaking
down those age barriers.
I used to watch him inUncle Buck when I was a
little girl and he was always
so, I dont know, charming?
And plus, I think were going
to do it, like, ber tasteful,
she said.
Gentry6 Remember to burn this, k?Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010
LOS ANGELES, CA Afterthe recent loss of his friend,companion and namesake,Corey Feldman has begunthe search for someone toreplace the departed CoreyHaim.
Feldman claimed that he
was devastated at the tragicloss of such a prolific Corey,
but stressed the importance
of there always being two
Coreys for people to idolize.
Coreys have always been an
important part of the enter-
tainment industry, and having
a duo of us walking the
streets is good for people.
Feldman originally put
out a call on Craiglist , ask-
ing for anyone with decent
headshots and a strong
addiction to meth, but later
put his publicist on the job.
Tad Jones, my rep from
the agency, really brought a
degree of professionalism
to the whole thing. Pretty
soon I was getting calls from
big-name Coreys all over the
country. Right now Corey Hart
is a strong contender. He
wasnt my first choice, but
his Canadian heritage makeshim a good replacement for
Haim.
According to Feldman,
talks with Corey Woods, AKA
Raekwon the Chef, of the
Wu-Tang Clan, broke down
after Woods called Feldman a
bitch-ass punk and hung up
on the bereaved celebrity.
Feldman seeks
second Corey
Feldman got all his crying out.
image coutresy wikimedia
Zombie John Candy provides
moral direction
Another shitty remakeBuy a cellphone,
dummy.
Theyregood for
all sorts
of stuff.
photo by Frances Hui
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Gentry7Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010 Remember to burn this, k?
Is This The Face Of Genital Warts?
Talk To Your Doctor
Now.STD
SASKATOON, SK JohnGormley, the right-wingpundit and former Member ofParliament, was spotted at atrendy breakfast spot earlierthis week.
Sporting a smart coat by
Sears and a T-shirt that readFatties Ride for Free, Gormley
was looking good in all his
Gormley glory.However, it wasnt all great.
My reuben was dry, I usually
like a bit more mustard, he
said.
Normally a sunny personal-
ity, Gormleys poor meal tippedhis calm demeanor over the
edge.
He was really upset, said
waitress Rachel Mills. He keptyelling, Get me a moist-ass
reuben before I let the whole
province know what a cunt
you are!
This wouldnt be the firsttime Gormley has used his
show as a soap box for his
consumer complaints. In 2006
the pundit hosted a week
of shows to complain aboutPanago substituting his goat
cheese for gruyre.
photo by CKOM
Kerosene Photography
Kerosene Photography
Gormley looks good, eats poorly
Little girl is actually a little boy
STRATFORD, ON Fol-lowing hot on the heels ofhis sophomore release MyWorld 2.0, Canadian R&Bteen sensation Justin Bie-ber has announced that he
will be releasing a charityalbum.
Entitled My World 6.66, it
will be premised on a Viking
death metal theme and is set
to come out this spring.
Bieber has said that the
inspiration for the album
came from a recent encoun-
ter with impoverished Sa-
tanist youth in his hometown
of Stratford, Ontario.
It was a real eye-openerfor me to think that some
kids my age are lucky if they
get one gourd of goats blood
per full moon. Its just not
right.
Justin Bieber
to release
charity album
STRATFORD,ON Recentreports released by a newsservice based out of Los
Angeles have revealed thatJustin Bieber is not, in fact, a12-year-old girl.
Fans everywhere were
surprised and dismayed by the
news. Male fans were par-
ticularly shocked by the newsand reacted in violence when
they all collectively burned their
Bieber posters in large bonfires
across the continent.Bieber took some time to
comment on the revelation of
his sex.
I will have you know that I
am a straight-up baller. I have
been with many fully grown
and full-breasted women inmy day. I dont appreciate the
accusation that I am a girl. And
I mean, 12? Really? I am 16! I
got pubes, yo!Other fans were dismayed
but not entirely surprised.
I always suspected it, said
fan Kelsey Higgins. I mean, it
wasnt always clear but youcould guess. Im less surprised
by the fact that he is not a she
and more surprised that he isactually 16. I really thought hewas 12.
I liked him better when he
was a girl, she added.
Justin Bieber gothimself a penis
Enterta
inment
for
thewhole
family!
- Wagon rides
- Bouncy castles
- Cross burning
- Face painng
- Dazzling Live Jazz
- Tea on the lawn
- Blop the Clown
- Pin the tail on the
Jew, potato sack
races and other
games
- Free haircuts
- Presentaons by
the Aryan Guard
- Informaon tables
- Lots of prizes to
be won!
Rotary Park Sunday, April 18th From 10 am to 3 pm
How to get there
Rotary Park is located
next to the Victoria
bridge near B roadway.
Parking is available.
Saskatoon Skinhead Association
19th Annual Picnic
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adVerbnews.com8 Remember to burn this, k?Hey there, go to hell. April 8, 2010
