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JOSH P-C

THE

SQUIRREL

BIBLE

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INTRODUCTION

Before you read this book you should know two things. 1) I

adore squirrels and any hate mail that says stuff about

squirrels will be traced back to you and I will shoot you in the

face. 2) Squirrel hell is a very real place and people who say

otherwise are liars and will end up there.

SQUIRREL HELLSquirrel hell is like no other place you can imagine. It has to

be as it is for the worst of the worst: THE SQUIRREL HATERS!!

For you see in squirrel hell there is but one squirrel- The

squirrel devil- all the torturers are actually chipmunks (or the

wannabe squirrels as we call them) and what they do to you

is despicable. And I mean really bad. [Please turn the page

now if you are squeamish] They sit you down in a chair and

get you a cup of tea so everything seems nice but then they

turn. They tie you to the chair and make sure you cant move

before they start the real torture. Firstly you have to listen to

seven old people talking about the good old days and thewar. This will take several hours and you will be weak after it.

Following this you have to listen to THE NATIONAL GALLERY:

Performing Musical Interpretations of the Paintings of Paul

Kle and you cannot fall asleep or you get an hour long foot

tickling session. But that is not the end, although youll wish

it was, as after this the chipmunk amateur theatre will

perform MAMMA MIA and if you dont sing along you gettold the truth about Santa and the tooth fairy my sources

have given me information on these things. And then, just as

you think its over you have to get a suit fitted by Justin

Bieber and you know

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Hes going to be looking at you in thatway because hes, you

know like that, whether youre a boy or a girl. The final

descent into your eternal cage (alright considering what

youve been through) comes once youve got your suit. It is a

short descent but I suppose it is lined with fire. Now you

suffer eternally in a scolding hot cage.

If youre wondering how I actually got this information its

very simple. All I did was call the squirrel devil (666-77847735

or 666-squirrel) and ask him if I could include him in my book.

Hes actually a really nice guy. Polite, gentlemanly and always

had a pot of tea brewing but I suppose he would be kind to

me as I have never hurt, said anything or even thought ofsaying anything bad to squirrels. I would describe him but its

more fun for you if you build up your own image. When I got

there and saw the fiery hell-hole (in the most literal sense of

the phrase) I was delighted to speak to him and hear about

his tortures. I left with a smile on my face delighted to have

made a new friend.

I have actually met up with him again recently at myhouse. We had a kick about, went out for lunch and watched

Jackass 3.5 when we got back. It was a great day and I feel

we really bonded. I hope to meet him again soon and

hopefully go see The Muppets Movie in 3d. I know that they

wont let a giant red squirrel in the cinema so I intend to

book the whole cinema as soon as they are taking bookings

for the movie. So what Im saying is that despite being

apprehensive at first to meet the devil I have learnt not to

judge a book by its cover. Theres a life lesson for you. In fact

count that as number 1. Never judgea book by itscover.

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2Squirrels are holy

By now I suppose youre thinking Im a nut job (pardon the

pun). I mean here I am rambling on about what is officially

classed as vermin. But you need to stop seeing it how you are

supposedto see it and start thinking properly. What have

squirrels ever done to you? I bet you cant think of anything

can you? But you have cast them out of modern society and

made it so they have been turned against humans by your

constant attempt to get them out of our lives completely. Ifyou are reading this saying no, no I support the squirrels and

I think theyre cute but let me ask you this: is your bird

feeder squirrel proof? And I bet you dont leave food for the

squirrels either do you? Exactly my point. What you need is a

lesson. So heres a story that might help you change your

ways.

A man was walking along one day when he slipped overand broke his leg. He had been lying there crying for help for

ten minutes when a dog came along. The man asked the dog

to go get help but all the dog wanted to do was play fetch

and when the man refused the dog just ran away. Then a cat

came running to him. He pleaded with it to get help but it

just wanted to get fussed but after five minutes it got bored

and ran away. Five minutes later an ambulance came along

and carted him away. When the man asked how they found

him he was told that a squirrel had run in with a map and

was frantically pointing to his location.

It just shows that your faithful pets are worth nothing

when you need them but a squirrel will always help.

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3NO MORE NAKED SQUIRRELS

This is a trouble that has been bothering me for many years

and I am putting all my faith in the decency of my readers.

For you see at this moment in time there are 78,232,543

squirrels out there naked and alone. They have to suffer their

bare bodies being looked at which is alright for the boys

because they can just stick a leaf between their legs but what

about the girls. What are they meant to do?

Now at this moment in time youre thinking yeah its a

problem but what am I meant to do? Well Ill tell you. Have

you ever seen that film Alvin and the wannabe squirrels?

Well you should sort of copy that. Earn the squirrels trust

(flowers, chocolates and a romantic meal for two works well)

the get them measured but dont go right up the leg like

Justin Bieber does. Using those measurements make them ahoody and some lounge pants- you dont want it too tight

because they have to climb a hell of a lot. You now have a

fully clothed squirrel. And if everyone in Britain did this wed

be sorted in no time.

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4Dont give squirrels biscuits

I know it sound like a silly thing to say but the amount of

times that Ive seen people innocently enough putting little

pieces of biscuit outside is unbelievable. What do you think

you are doing? I mean all squirrels like nuts; its a fact, so why

on earth would you give them little crumbs of digestive

biscuit? What are they going to do with them? (Yes, I know

theyre going to eat them) dunk them in their tea? Surely it

would be better just to put a few nuts out considering theyrea load cheaper and theyre far more common to us than they

are to squirrels. But I suppose they cant read their Sunday

paper without some digestive crumbs (Sarcasm by the way).

What next? Giving fish oxygen tanks? Or how about disabled

ramps for birds just in case they decide to walk? A digestive

biscuit for a squirrel is utterly useless. I know it, you know it,

the squirrels know it and even the fools who put the biscuitsout know it. It is incomprehensible why they do it. I suppose

it looks better for them if theyre doing something to help

but the fact of the matter is that you are just denying

squirrels some tasty nuts and instead giving them some Foxs

Bisquits. Anyone reading this who knows they are a culprit

should change their ways pretty fast. But I suppose that if

you dont youll be the one getting touched up by Beiber in

hell. Not my problem.

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5-10Now it gets a bit bibleier

This section is 5-10 because of how much is in it. It gives a

few prayers to the squirrel god and even a couple of hymns.

The big hymn to the squirrel god (the name writer really

messed up there)

Oh holy squirrel of heaven above,

Hear me call this day.For faith was found in you my lord,

Upon a hill in May.

The squirrels started singing,

Like no man heard before.

Just standing on the south bank,

Set out in rows of four.

Thats when our love was founded,

By Solomon himself,

And well worship you from that day forth,

Until we find an elf.

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Big prayer to the squirrel god (that prayer writer is going to

squirrel hell)

Dear big G,

We worship you as our father and give thanks for all youve

given. You must have better things to do up there in squirrel

heaven. All those squirrel chicks around you and you can take

your pick. But instead you decide to help us through our very,

very, very, very troubled lives. And I mean really troubled.

Like if youve read the bible you will have heard about thatguy who broke his legs and a squirrel saved him. He could

have died if it wasnt for you so I guess Ill put in a thank you

from him. And also from me because just the other day I was

sitting under a tree when I saw a squirrel at another tree so I

moved and just as I move a plane drove straight through the

park (the driver was obviously on his mobile) and I would

have been killed if I hadnt moved. So big thanks there. Ohyeah, a lot of people are gonna see this. Oops, I guess I

should like wrap it up now then sooooo

Amen I guess.