“I have donated the entire sum of Oglethorpe’s finances to Prince Abakaliki and the Nigerian people,” President Schall said. See Nigeria, P. 2 Veronica Corningstone Resident Muckraker Veronica Corningstone Resident Muckraker $500,” Bailey could face imprisonment for 1-10 years. “It’s cool,” Bailey shrugged. “When I get out I plan on being featured on Antiques Roadshow,” he said. “Either that or Cops.” OSA President Adam Bailey could face imprisonment for up to 10 years.
Volume LXXXIV, Issue XII April 3, 2008 Oglethorpe University The Stormy Petrel Veronica Corningstone Resident Muckraker Oglethorpe University President Lawrence Schall has recently embarked on an up-and-coming, “internationally mind- ed” civic engagement program with Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria. According to recently acquired PayPal transactions and Yahoo account e-mails spanning several months, the participation in the effort required a donation upwards of several million dollars--the remaining sum of money Oglethorpe University cur- rently has to its name. Schall named the undertaking “Project Funnel Funds” in a recent statement deliv- ered yesterday to students and faculty. He explained that, while he has been an active philanthropist and human rights benefici- ary for years, the opportunity to visit Nigeria’s “glorious deserts” completely persuaded him. He also expressed intent to be the guest of such a prominent dignitary in Abakaliki’s “obviously prosperous estate.” “This incredible international aid opportunity is a once in a lifetime chance to truly manifest the Oglethorpe University mantra to make a life, make a living, and make a difference,” he said. “As our baseball team continues to prosper at home, I believe it’s absolutely vital to respond to our international neighbors. We should never leave our friends’ e-mails unanswered, nor their cries for help silenced on deaf ears.” The 2,500-word statement went on to explain that not only is this a “humanitari- an” effort but a calling that had ravaged Schall’s conscience for over two minutes. “I have donated the entire sum of Oglethorpe’s finances to Prince Abakaliki and the Nigerian people,” he said. “Please understand that this is a personal calling that had tugged on my heartstrings, and I can only hope that I’ve inspired the rest of the Oglethorpe student body to ‘empty their wallets’ so to speak, in the name of worthy international friendship.” Schall, who had recently been contacted via e-mail by Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria, agreed to donate the remaining balance of Oglethorpe University’s bank account. The total remaining balance post-donation is $3.07, which Schall believes will be a suf- ficient amount on which to operate for the rest of the 2009 academic year. When asked what Schall hopes to see Abakaliki invest in, he paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. Schall chats with Nigerian prince, OU’s endowment vanishes overnight Photo by Lady Yaya “I have donated the entire sum of Oglethorpe’s finances to Prince Abakaliki and the Nigerian people,” President Schall said. See Nigeria, P. 2 Veronica Corningstone Resident Muckraker Current Oglethorpe Student Association President Adam Bailey was arrested over the Spring Break holiday, torn from his car on the 1-85 and I-285 connector commonly referred to as the Spaghetti Junction. Bailey, who replaced former OSA President Chong Park last month, was ini- tially pulled over because he was “improp- erly belted” according to DeKalb County officials and wove in and out of traffic screaming “it’s Britney b****” at passing cars, thus signaling authorities to follow him from behind. “Moments later, when we heard ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ blaring from the car, we knew it was now or never,” said Bubba Lurks, a DeKalb County highway patroller. “Every experienced law enforce- ment official knows that cowbell is cop bait.” After a dramatic 117 mile per hour pursuit between Bailey and Lurks, Bailey’s car burst into flames, causing him to run on foot over the connecting inter- states. Bubba Lurks trailed him at a crawl for approximately seven minutes before sprinting out of his squad car and tackling Bailey to the ground. “I felt like I was a man on a mis- sion, you know?” Lurks said in a small press conference held at the police depart- ment. “It was something straight out of Reno 911 for sure,” he said gravely. “This is exactly why I joined the force--donuts and khaki shorts are my passion in life.” However, the story doesn’t end there: after Bailey was caught by Lurks, who stands at a towering 6 feet and 3 inch- es tall, he was handcuffed to the wheel of Lurks’ police cruiser. Lurks proceeded to search Bailey’s vehicle, where he found “sketch” materials. “I’d never seen so many Hummel dolls in my entire life,” Lurk said. “I mean, it was borderline sick. All those googly eyes and and bonnets,” he trailed off in dis- gust. Lurks went on to express anxiety, noting that this type of discovery is the most disturbing he’s seen of his career. “It’s just so wrong,” he said, his eyes glazing over and staring toward a bald eagle circling in the sky. According to DeKalb County police records, Bailey allegedly stole 381 Hummel dolls from the South of the Border tourist attraction, which is sand- wiched between North and South Carolina. In addition, Bailey also stole gold aviator sunglasses as well as a “supersized som- brero,” both of which he was wearing at the time of his arrest. Bailey, who could not supply his bail for release, expressed a kind of cheeky remorse behind bars. According to the OSA Constitution, Bailey will be extracted from his position as acting President. “Yeah…about the steering the ship into port metaphor,” he said. “That was total fluff. My goal was actually to steer the car into a tourist trap and lift as many ceramic dolls wearing lederhosen as possible.” Bailey also went into detail about how he managed to exit the South of the Border store with 381 Hummel figurines. “Easy,” he said slyly, a toothpick balanced in the corner of his mouth. “I stuffed my cargo pants with Hummels and a used leather briefcase for the rest that didn’t fit.” He claims that no one was in the tourist store at the time. “I’m fairly cer- tain Pedro was taking, should we say, a siesta at the time.” Georgia law states that, should the defendant’s theft total “in excess of $500,” Bailey could face imprisonment for 1-10 years. “It’s cool,” Bailey shrugged. “When I get out I plan on being featured on Antiques Roadshow,” he said. “Either that or Cops.” OSA President arrested after high-speed police chase Photo by Lady Yaya OSA President Adam Bailey could face imprisonment for up to 10 years.
Transcript
Volume LXXXIV, Issue XII April 3, 2008 Oglethorpe University
The Stormy PetrelVeronica Corningstone
Resident Muckraker
Oglethorpe University PresidentLawrence Schall has recently embarked onan up-and-coming, “internationally mind-ed” civic engagement program with PrinceAbakaliki of Nigeria.
According to recently acquired PayPaltransactions and Yahoo account e-mailsspanning several months, the participationin the effort required a donation upwardsof several million dollars--the remainingsum of money Oglethorpe University cur-rently has to its name.
Schall named the undertaking “ProjectFunnel Funds” in a recent statement deliv-ered yesterday to students and faculty. Heexplained that, while he has been an activephilanthropist and human rights benefici-ary for years, the opportunity to visitNigeria’s “glorious deserts” completelypersuaded him. He also expressed intent tobe the guest of such a prominent dignitaryin Abakaliki’s “obviously prosperousestate.”
“This incredible international aidopportunity is a once in a lifetime chanceto truly manifest the OglethorpeUniversity mantra to make a life, make aliving, and make a difference,” he said.
“As our baseball team continues to prosperat home, I believe it’s absolutely vital torespond to our international neighbors. Weshould never leave our friends’ e-mailsunanswered, nor their cries for helpsilenced on deaf ears.”
The 2,500-word statement went on toexplain that not only is this a “humanitari-an” effort but a calling that had ravagedSchall’s conscience for over two minutes.
“I have donated the entire sum ofOglethorpe’s finances to Prince Abakalikiand the Nigerian people,” he said. “Pleaseunderstand that this is a personal callingthat had tugged on my heartstrings, and Ican only hope that I’ve inspired the rest ofthe Oglethorpe student body to ‘emptytheir wallets’ so to speak, in the name ofworthy international friendship.”
Schall, who had recently been contactedvia e-mail by Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria,agreed to donate the remaining balance ofOglethorpe University’s bank account. Thetotal remaining balance post-donation is$3.07, which Schall believes will be a suf-ficient amount on which to operate for therest of the 2009 academic year.
When asked what Schall hopes to seeAbakaliki invest in, he paused for amoment to collect his thoughts.
Photo by Lady Yaya“I have donated the entire sum of Oglethorpe’s finances to Prince Abakaliki and theNigerian people,” President Schall said. See Nigeria, P. 2
Veronica Corningstone Resident Muckraker
Current Oglethorpe StudentAssociation President Adam Bailey wasarrested over the Spring Break holiday,torn from his car on the 1-85 and I-285connector commonly referred to as theSpaghetti Junction.
Bailey, who replaced former OSAPresident Chong Park last month, was ini-tially pulled over because he was “improp-erly belted” according to DeKalb Countyofficials and wove in and out of trafficscreaming “it’s Britney b****” at passingcars, thus signaling authorities to followhim from behind.
“Moments later, when we heard‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ blaring from thecar, we knew it was now or never,” saidBubba Lurks, a DeKalb County highwaypatroller. “Every experienced law enforce-ment official knows that cowbell is copbait.”
After a dramatic 117 mile perhour pursuit between Bailey and Lurks,Bailey’s car burst into flames, causing himto run on foot over the connecting inter-states. Bubba Lurks trailed him at a crawlfor approximately seven minutes before
sprinting out of his squad car and tacklingBailey to the ground.
“I felt like I was a man on a mis-sion, you know?” Lurks said in a smallpress conference held at the police depart-ment. “It was something straight out ofReno 911 for sure,” he said gravely. “Thisis exactly why I joined the force--donutsand khaki shorts are my passion in life.”
However, the story doesn’t endthere: after Bailey was caught by Lurks,who stands at a towering 6 feet and 3 inch-es tall, he was handcuffed to the wheel ofLurks’ police cruiser. Lurks proceeded tosearch Bailey’s vehicle, where he found“sketch” materials.
“I’d never seen so many Hummeldolls in my entire life,” Lurk said. “I mean,it was borderline sick. All those googlyeyes and and bonnets,” he trailed off in dis-gust.
Lurks went on to express anxiety,noting that this type of discovery is themost disturbing he’s seen of his career.
“It’s just so wrong,” he said, hiseyes glazing over and staring toward a baldeagle circling in the sky.
According to DeKalb Countypolice records, Bailey allegedly stole 381Hummel dolls from the South of the
Border tourist attraction, which is sand-wiched between North and South Carolina.In addition, Bailey also stole gold aviatorsunglasses as well as a “supersized som-brero,” both of which he was wearing atthe time of his arrest.
Bailey, who could not supply hisbail for release, expressed a kind of cheekyremorse behind bars. According to theOSA Constitution, Bailey will be extractedfrom his position as acting President.
“Yeah…about the steering theship into port metaphor,” he said. “Thatwas total fluff. My goal was actually tosteer the car into a tourist trap and lift asmany ceramic dolls wearing lederhosen aspossible.”
Bailey also went into detail abouthow he managed to exit the South of theBorder store with 381 Hummel figurines.
“Easy,” he said slyly, a toothpickbalanced in the corner of his mouth. “Istuffed my cargo pants with Hummels anda used leather briefcase for the rest thatdidn’t fit.” He claims that no one was inthe tourist store at the time. “I’m fairly cer-tain Pedro was taking, should we say, asiesta at the time.”
Georgia law states that, shouldthe defendant’s theft total “in excess of
$500,” Bailey could face imprisonment for1-10 years.
“It’s cool,” Bailey shrugged.“When I get out I plan on being featuredon Antiques Roadshow,” he said. “Eitherthat or Cops.”
Photo by Lady YayaOSA President Adam Bailey could faceimprisonment for up to 10 years.
2 News The Stormy Petrel April 3, 2009
“I’m super duper confident Mr. Abakaliki will do absolutely magnificentthings with the money we’ve supported him with,” he said.
Schall also immediately shunned any possibility for undergroundterrorist operations, citing his commitment to his rather large extendedfamily.
“I mean, for crying out loud, Prince Abakaliki’s entire kin is grate-ful for our donation. These are good people--they’ve already offered all ofour students a full spaghetti dinner when they arrive to Nigeria.”
Abakaliki, the former head of state in Nigeria, is currently impris-oned as a political refugee. According to Forbes Magazine, “despite hisconfinement and rumored physical and psychological torture, PrinceAbakaliki does have a broadband Internet connection and keeps busy send-ing out countless e-mails to complete strangers whom he hopes will coop-erate with him in a mutual transaction.”
In a Yahoo-chat interview that Prince Abakaliki agreed to conductwith The Stormy Petrel on Thursday, Abakaliki tersely insinuated that hisintentions aren’t shady in the least. The interview, which was supposed totake place via phone, was canceled at the last minute because of anallegedly poor connection. Abakaliki was able to access the internetinstead.
“I’m the real deal!!!%!!$,” he said in a brief instant message. When pressed for further personal details and plans to spend the
Oglethorpe University donation on endeavors such as Nigerian infrastruc-ture, oil production, and trade, Abakaliki did not respond. Abakaliki didremain online, however, his “ABBA_MAN” username went idle on Yahoofor over 17 hours.
In the initial e-mail addressed to Schall, Abakaliki said that he was“mandated in trust by members of the [Nigerian National Petroleum
Corporation], to seek a foreign partner into whose account we could trans-fer the sum of a few million US dollars from.”
The e-mail exchange between both Schall and Abakaliki also cameto an agreement whereby the Oglethorpe University funds would be distrib-uted as “70% for us (the committee members),” “20% for [Mr. HonorablePresident Lawrence Schall), and “10% will be used in settling taxation andall local and foreign expenses that will be incurred in the course of thistransaction.”
Schall is confident that Oglethorpe University can operate on few,if any funds. Instead, he will begin canvassing students on campus to visitNigeria for a summer-abroad program, which will encompass all 12 PetrelPoints required for graduation.
“I mean, look at our economy, the international community, theglobal market,” he said. “No one’s got two pennies to rub together. So, inaddition to financing Prince Abakaliki and all of the wonderful plans he’sgot in store for Nigeria, we’re partnering with the Center for CivicEngagement [CCE] here on campus to make sure students complete theircommunity service requirements while making an international impact.”
In addition, Schall commented that small countries similar toNigeria are entering what he believes to be “economic wormholes with noway out.” He went on to explain that this type of macrofinance donation isthe epitome of international banking and market liquidity.
“It’s the perfect equation, guys,” he said. “I give money to PrinceAbakaliki, right? He invests that money in…things Nigeria sees fit. We feelgood about liquidizing the market. Simple math.” Schall said. “That liquid-ity is really popular, and it’s all over the news, so I thought I’d get in onthe game,” he said. “I don’t want to brag or anything, but I think I made theright move.”
Graph Courtesy of President Lawrence Schall
From Nigeria, P. 1
I.Q. WarcraftSpiritual Media Analyst
Oglethorpe University has longbeen proud of its unique Core curriculum,but soon the Core program will be receiv-ing a fresh jolt of life in the form of a holyman. Not the type one would expect, how-ever, as this holy man is the holy man toend all holy men. His name is Maitreya;his mission is the enlightenment of all, onecourse at a time.
According to sources close tohim, Maitreya is the individual awaited byso many world religions, “whether theycall him the Christ, Messiah, the fifthBuddha, Krishna, or the Imam Mahdi.”However, the same sources are quick topoint out that “Maitreya is not a religiousleader, but an educator in the broadestsense.” This is good, as the task awaitinghim at Oglethorpe is a challenging oneindeed.
The Core program, which all stu-dents must complete to graduate with adegree from OU, consists of a series ofclasses designed to widen the scope of stu-dents’ appreciation for knowledge and crit-ical thinking through three years of cours-es that all students must take together, oneof two science courses taken in the fourthyear, a math course, and one of two finearts courses.
In a landmark occurrence,Maitreya has been signed on to teach all ofthe Core courses. Even more spectacularis that he will be teaching them toFreshmen in one class, covering 101, 201,301, and both sciences first semester, and102 ,202, 302, math, and both fine artscourses second semester. The new pro-gram was designed in an effort to helpincoming students get the most out of their
college experience, allowing them tolargely choose all their own classes, whilestill ensuring that the Core curriculumdoes not fade away into nothing.
When asked to comment on thepotentially high workload for the course,members of the administration unanimous-ly responded, “We wish the incomingfreshmen the best of luck. They would nothave been accepted if they couldn’t do thework.”
As is well known by Oglethorpestudents beyond their first semester, everyprofessor brings something different to thetable when it comes to Core. Due to dif-fering fields and personal interests, stu-dents taking Core from different professorswill inevitably end up getting slightly dif-ferent flavors of the same courses. In lightof that, what can the Oglethorpe communi-ty expect from this new professor?
According to Share International,the organization working closely withMaitreya, “at this time of great political,economic and social crisis Maitreya willinspire humanity to see itself as one fami-ly, and create a civilization based on shar-ing, economic and social justice, and glob-al cooperation.” It is safe to assume, then,that much of the course will focus on thecommon thread that binds us--humanity--together, and ways in which everyone in acommunity may come together as one, as
well as things that potentially threaten thatbond.
Overall reception has been mixedupon announcement of the comingchanges. Many Core supporters think itimprudent to “jam all the courses intoone,” claiming that many ideas and themesin later Core classes require a maturityonly gained through spending time learn-ing for a couple years.
Others who do not share the sameenthusiasm for the Core program see thechange as a much needed compromise.“Man, I just wish this kind of deal hadbeen around when I was coming through,”remarked one senior who preferred toremain nameless. “I always hated thatinstead of taking a course that interestedme, I was forced into the same class aseveryone else, where all we did was readbooks, write about books, and talk aboutreading and writing about books. Thiswould have saved a lot of time that couldhave been spent on more worthwhileendeavors, like drinking or napping.”
While debate rages over whetherthe new plan will work, only time will tellfor sure. One thing is for certain, howev-er: whether for good or bad, Maitreya’scoming will change the face of Oglethorpeforever, as the student body “make therequired changes and create a saner andmore just world for all.”
Photo by Lady YayaIn a solution to all the TBA’s on the Fall2009 schedule, World Teacher Maitreyahas been hired to teach all Core classesin a single year.
Graph Courtesy of President Lawrence Schall
April 3, 2009 The Stormy Petrel News 3
Star NobleExpansion Analyst
Given the current economic recession and risingoverhead costs, the Philip Weltner Library is slated toslash staff and limit its schedule to two hours per day. Thelibrary will remain open from noon to 2:00 p.m. Mondaythrough Thursday manned only by Director of the LibraryAnne Salter. The cut in staff and hours is expected to pos-itively influence students.
“One of the most important things college stu-dents learn during their four years on this campus is timemanagement,” said President Larry Schall. “The decisionto reduce the library’s staff and hours is not only a meas-ure to trim the budget during this crucial time in the SACSre-accreditation process, but also an initiative to instill asort of scheduling virtuosity in Oglethorpe’s graduates.The real world is not always convenient, and we train ourstudents to operate within the real world.”
Anne Salter echoed President Schall in lookingto the future. Salter—who is currently serving asCirculation Manager, ILL Manger, Reference Librarian,Cataloguing Librarian, Periodicals Assistant, and LibraryAssistant—says that she is managing as well as can beexpected. “It’s not easy manning the Circulation Desk,fielding reference requests from faculty and students, andre-shelving all returned books,” Salter said. “But if I havelearned anything in my career, it’s that the college librari-an of the new age must be a jack-of-all trades.”
Students report that Salter’s hands move soquickly to perform all her new duties that they appear as aconstant blur of motion.
So what lies ahead for Oglethorpe’s library? Thecurrent reduction in staff and hours is only a small part ofa larger vision. Ultimately, President Schall hopes to re-invent the Philip Weltner Library as a trend-setting Centerfor Digital Engagement. The CDE, scheduled to open inSpring 2010 through the generous support of an anony-mous friend of the university, will operate as a three-story
24-Hour Room. Print resources,
increasingly viewed asobsolete in the academiccommunity, will be phasedout in the months leadingup to the grand opening.The savings from the pur-chasing and maintenance ofbooks and academic jour-nals will used to financetop-to-bottom redecoratingby Betty Londergan, inter-nationally recognizedauthor and interior designer.
In times past, thelibrary has attracted bothOglethorpe students andpatrons from the widerAtlanta community as aself-regulated area of quietand concentration. It hasprovided a scholarly atmos-phere in addition to printand digital resources.Increasingly, however, “quiet” and “concentration” arebeing regarded as passé in debates about the modernlibrary.
The newest ideology of library design rejects thetemplates of cathedrals and classical temples in favor ofMcDonald’s playgrounds. Ms. Londergan stands on thecutting edge of primary color design theory.
“Though I haven’t yet finalized my design plan,I am toying with the idea of large single-color panels fromceiling to floor, ranging through the tones of a Crayola 8-crayon pack,” Londgergan shared. Members of theOglethorpe community have highly praised her work onthe Emerson Student Center.
Though the opening of the Center for Digital
Engagement is more than a year off, the students whomanage to gain entry to the Philip Weltner Library duringits limited hours will notice the changes taking place inpreparation for the big day. The month of May will bringthe elimination of the shelves containing books on mili-tary science, agriculture, and medicine. Language, litera-ture, fine arts, and music will follow during the summersemester. Before the start of school in August 2009, thePhilip Weltner Library will bid goodbye to its social sci-ence, philosophy, and religion collections. Fall of 2009will be devoted to renovation schemes.
“I am proud to announce to Atlanta and the worldthat the first library of the future will open onOglethorpe’s campus,” said President Schall.
Damage: It hides in the bambooof the Ho Chi Minh Trail andperiodically devours students.
Where experts say it�ll go next:Conant Performing Arts Center
Anticipated Sighting: April 17, 2009 at 8:00 p.m.
Oglethorpe University Singers,with help from their Ring
Leaders Irwin Ray and DavidBuice, will try to master the
Jabberwocky.
...you don�t want tomiss it!
4 News The Stormy Petrel April 3, 2009
Fitzwilliam St. JohnYellow Journalist
Monday, March 12, at approximately 3:15 p.m.two Oglethorpe students were viciously attacked by aswarm of ground hornets on the lower AcademicQuadrangle near Philip Weltner Library.
A group of freshmen and sophomores were play-ing a game of ultimate Frisbee when, according to wit-nesses, the Frisbee was overthrown into the southern cor-ner of quad, where a large nest of ground hornets recentlysprang up. Following the snow on March 1, several tinydirt mounds housing thousands of buzzing ground hornetsrapidly appeared once the snow melted.
Since the ground hornets first became noticeable,students have been apprehensive to wander near the nowbrown and barren section of the quad. Sophomore DustinComstock was the only Frisbee player brave enough toventure into the vast nest of unsuspecting hornets.Witnesses say that Comstock slowly walked across thedirt mounds, carefully as to not disturb the hornets.
“Someone yelled for him to hurry up. He yelledback, and that’s when it happened,” said witnessRanieshia Turner. “They suddenly swarmed all overhim.”
Witnesses of the event were quite surprised to seethe ground hornets attack because no previous attacks onstudents had been reported.
According to Turner, Comstock called back tohis playmates, “I’m coming! Jeez!” As soon as he yelledback, the ground hornets awakened from their deep com-munal slumber and swarmed Comstock’s entire body.
“He [Comstock] just stood there for a moment. Idon’t think they actually attacked him until he tried toescape from them,” said Turner.
Friend of Comstock and fellow Frisbee buddyChristopher Lu rushed to Comstock’s aid, but the groundhornets swarmed Lu as well causing him to trip and fall.
Campus Safety was notified immediately andarrived within the hour. Upon arrival to the scene,
Campus Safety Director Reggie Maddox walked into thedirt mounds wearing a protective suit and carried the twostudents to safety.
According to Maddox, Lu was having seriousbreathing complications due to an allergic reaction thatwas triggered after being stung by the ground hornets.Maddox helped to relieve Lu’s pain by sticking an EpiPenAuto-Injector in his right thigh. Lu and Comstock suf-fered severe wounds. Both students were having troublewalking after they were attacked.
“I was happy to be on the scene so swiftly.Campus Safety is always working hard to be there rightaway when assistance is needed. We have really attempt-ed to do a better job this year as a whole,” said Maddox.
Maddox called an ambulance to the scene, andLu and Comstock were both taken away to GradyMemorial Hospital on stretchers for further treatment.Due to the high volume of ground hornet attacks in theAtlanta Area, Grady Hospital was the only hospital with-in a 20-mile radius with enough available room to housethe victims.
“I’m glad Chris came to my aid. He really didn’thave to do that. He is the epitome of a good friend. Herisked his life for me,” said Comstock. Comstock wasreleased from Grady on March 13 at 8:30 a.m. Lu waslater released on the same day at 4:30 p.m.
A major concern among students is safety. “Thehornets have never attacked or harmed anyone before. Iwalk past them everyday on my way to class. I thoughtthat Maintenance had taken care of them, but now I don’tthink that anything can stop them,” said Frisbee playerShikha Saraswat.
According to Christopher Harvin, Work ControlCoordinator and Office Manager for the Physical Plant,Maintenance had been scheduled to perform systematicspraying sessions over the Spring Break holiday witheither Drion Dust or Delta Dust. Maintenance would haveliked to have the ground hornet problem solved by thetime students return to campus, and had also hoped tohave the dirt brown area of the quad back to its former
lushly green state before Commencement. However, foran unknown reason, no such spraying occured. NeitherMaintenance nor Campus Safety agreed to comment onwhat has been catagorized by an anonymous senior as “anunfortunate oversight.”
Maintenance, when pressed about this oversight,issued the following statement: “We have been workingclosely with campus safety to solve this problem. Werealize that students are concerned, and we wish to allevi-ate their woes.”
Until further notice, the Academic Quadrangle isoff limits to Frisbee players, sunbathers and those whosleep in hammocks. This is another safety precaution thatis being taken until Campus Safety and Maintenance arepositive that the ground hornet problem has been fullyresolved.
Photo by Lady Yaya
Two Oglethorpe students were viciously attacked by aswarm of ground hornets on the lower AcademicQuadrangle near Philip Weltner Library.
Willie DinglebottomMedia Giant
A long-standing war has raged betweenAlpha Phi Omega and the Center for CivicEngagement at Oglethorpe. Last week, a smallglimmer hope of was finally given to the war-weary members of both sides. In what has beendeemed “a miracle,” for one day, the fightingstopped for a soccer game between the two sides.
No one is sure how the game actuallybegan. “It started as another long day in thetrenches,” stated Kendall Gault, an Oglethorpejunior and also the president of APO. “We were allhiding from what was expected to be another largetorrent of gunfire and shelling. But it was astrangely quiet day. Then we heard singing acrossthe trenches. One of their runners approached andsimply bore a message, saying, ‘We won’t fight ifyou won’t fight.’”
The Center for Civic Engagement tells asimilar story about the truce. “One day, we peekedup from our trenches and saw banners in APO’strenches wishing us good fortune. It was quiteunusual. This was the day after their giant mustardgas attack on us, so at first we didn’t know what tothink. We tried testing them with our message.They almost immediately responded, stating theywould agree to the truce.”
Many of the generals at first took no noticeof the change and appeared to be as relieved as thesoldiers themselves. Then, someone brought out acrudely made soccer ball and expressed a desirefor the two sides to play a game.
“That soccer ball became a real lifesaver,”said one member of the CCE. “I wish I knew whatit was made out of. It was stuffed in a canvas bag,and the person that made it refused to tell us whatwas in it.” Nevertheless, the ball was shown to be“very adequate” for a game of soccer, and bothsides agreed to play the game. The atmospherematched any grand soccer game--there was almosta feeling that this game was as large as the WorldCup--yet none of the participants seemed to careabout the rules. There were no red cards, no refer-
Oglethorpe is known in the area as a competitiveand relatively prestigious school. It has been said that theuniversity is quite hard to get into, unless of course youhelp in achieving the campus-wide goal of diversity andincreased numbers, particularly a new freshman class of300 bright-eyed students.
Due to the strenuous desires that run strong toachieve the respectable agenda of increased attendance,Oglethorpe will still maintain its selectiveness unless you,of course, are from out of state, are interested in largerschool, play a sport, are thinking of acting, are thinking ofwatching the arts, are a minority, are financially blessed,have clear polarized political views, are a tall female,skipped a grade, are interested in summer school, areeither pro-lowering the drinking age or morally againstdrinking, love CORE, are slightly quirky, are Facebookactive, are bilingual, are international, have OU as yourfirst choice school, etc.
After many years of attempting to increase thefreshman class to obtain a goal of 300 incoming students,Oglethorpe University has finally succeeded. Many mar-keting strategies were employed by the university, butnone of the various strategies seemed to be affective untilthis recent year. Expected retention rates and enrollingnumbers are looking promising and hopeful.
The marketing team of the university attempted
several varying promotion tactics. Amongst these tacticswere increased exposure in college fairs, more overnightopportunities, and shortened applications. A source frominside the establishment’s admissions office stated that thegoal was to obtain students by showing the convenienceand dedication of the university to its students.
The administration of the university is remainingvery positive and hopeful in regards to their new and pro-found marketing plan. The updated applications haveeliminated the requirements for an essay, but the studentmay opt to submit a previously graded essay in attempts tocontribute towards scholarships.
This shortened version is now complete with fea-tures designed to shorten completion such as estimatedGPA, favorite quotations, and a box to express Facebookactivity. Efforts are also being made to jump of the Web2.0 bandwagon and expand applications to Facebook.Students will soon be able to respond to the “OglethorpeEvent,” simply by checking yes, no, or maybe and findingthe appropriate enrollment and graduation date. There isrumored that an optional box will be added for enrollmentin the Honors Program.
As always, don’t forget to specify the desiredscholarship you would like. Oglethorpe is always happy tooblige, no matter the financial consequences.
ees, nothing formal at all. It was almost like agame of baseball nine-year-old children play withtheir friends. For once, a glimmer of peace wasfound among the bodies and the decay of war.
The soccer game proved to be a realmorale booster for the war-weary troops. “Ihaven’t had this much fun in ages,” stated a CCEstaff member. “I have no idea why on earth wehaven’t done this before. It showed the world thatwe may yet find peace.”
But this hope was not to last. Several staff
members and advisors had ordered the soldiersback to the trenches to continue the fighting, withthe threat of court martial for anyone who dis-obeyed. At first the soldiers took no heed of thesewarnings, until one CCE member was shot afteryelling at a superior officer.
Although the ultimate goal of the gameitself was one of unification rather than competi-tion, it should be noted that the Alpha Phi Omegafraternity still won by a score of four goals to theCenter for Civic Engagement’s three.
I don’t know what to do!!! Theschedule for fall classes is finally out, butI’m worried that all the professors I sign upfor will be gone before the summer’s out.It’s like the Red Sea is parting onPeachtree for a faculty exodus. I think Dr.McFarland is Moses. And what’s up withthis TBA business? What if the TBA I signup for turns out to be a real dunderhead?Freshman year, my roommate and I tookNarratives with an adjunct who neverseemed to realize that the amount of noteshe’d prepared for class never added up toan actual class: he always gave a bewil-dered, “I…I guess that’s all I have foryou,” thirty minutes into class. I mean, Iknow getting out of class early soundsgreat, but every time is a little ridiculous:some of us are actually here to learn.
Speaking of learning, I seemed tohave already learned everything the ArtHistory department has to offer. Everyonebut the freshmen have already takenAncient and Eighteenth and NineteenthCentury Art History, and why offerFeminist Art History as soon as our ownexpert on it is no longer teaching in thedepartment? Short of protesting on thequad, what’s a poor student to do? Help,Misses Manners. Help.—Registrationally Challenged
Dear Challenged,Thank goodness we’re graduating
this May. There is no hope. Deuces.—The Misses Manners
Dear Misses Manners,Everyone experiments a little in
college, right? Before coming to
Oglethorpe, I never thought I would saythis, but—I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Atthis point, I have kissed lots of girls, andboys, and people who may have beeneither or both. BTW, most of these encoun-ters were on campus. But here’s the rub—when it comes to spending the night with agirl, I don’t mind when she obliges me, butI’m not particularly keen on reciprocating.I never did like that furry teacup. So here’smy question: how do I return to the heterofold without compromising my image asan equal opportunity inamorata?—Done With Teacups, Thanks
Dear Teacups,It seems like you’ve caught the
Ogle-plague, a condition we affectionatelyrefer to as “broken sexual identity com-pass.” But truly, the last thing you need tobe concerned about is what others think ofyou. This is between you and the otherparty, so—as long as it takes place behindclosed doors and is both age-appropriateand consensual—we say have at it withwhomever you please, just don’t do any-thing that makes you uncomfortable. Thatsaid, for the future we think we shouldremind you: Do unto others as you wouldhave them do unto you. It’s only fair. —The Misses Manners
Dear Misses Manners,Greetings! I feel I’m rather in a
bind. How does one regain the respect oneused to possess when one has balked underthe pressure of one’s overseer?Unfortunately, each time I am leaned onquite heavily by my superior or any of hispersuasive friends—and I am leaned onheavily at least once an hour at this point—
I am unable to do anything but kowtow tothe wishes of my leader and his board ofaccomplices. An unfortunate byproduct ofmy complicity with the schemes of mysuperior—and therefore duplicity—hasalienated most of my former comrades. Infact, I have taken to perpetually workingfrom home in order to avoid the shame.My cheeks burn from the false smiles Iforce myself to give in a cheap replicationof my past blithe self. Even my dress haschanged to reflect my new membership inThe Suits. I hear snickers from my formercomrades regarding my bowtie as I passby. Help! I just want to be back in a class-room.—My Cheeks Hurt
Dear Cheeks,As Shakespeare once said, one
may smile and smile and be a villain. But,in your case, we feel it’s not too late toreform if you reject the philistines and geta backbone transplant. Remember thatsilence denotes approval. By the way, wehear that the Politics Department is hiring.—The Misses Manners
Students all across campus havenoticed a recent decrease in visible activi-ty from the university’s infamous squirrels.When once they perched on trees in plainsight and barked at students, now they areonly seen when scampering across the trailleading to Phase II or leaping to a nearbytree. What many do not know is that,believe it or not, the reason for the lack ofthe squirrels’ activity lately is war.
The school has “adopted” manystray cats wandering around the campus awhile back, the cats known as“Oglekitties.” What many don’t know,however, is that they were here first. Thewar between the squirrels and the cats hasbeen one in the making for ages.Oglethorpe University just happened to beunknowingly built around the heart of anancient battle.
The cats we have grown to loveare a tribe that protects their ancient godPesacadaomada. The Pescadaomada isbelieved to be a relic from the era of the catand is the skeleton of the last fish that wasa partner of the old clan.
Fish and feline were friends
before man even created their first mum-ble. The fish helped find the cats’ onlymeal, the sauschawa, in the ocean as thecats protected the fish from other threats.They lived in this friendly partnership untilthe day where the sauschawa becameextinct and cats were slowly dying. Thefish offered themselves up for theirfriends, the cats. The cats continued to eatfish yet honor their loving brothers by pro-tecting and preserving the Pesacadaomada.
The squirrels are part of a mafiathat dates back to the eighteenth centurycalled the Spurns. They are the organiza-tion that was birthed from the desire of thePescadaomada. They believed that if theycan hold the old fish skeleton, their broth-ers will be undefeatable in the wretchedand dangerous world of the black river,also known as the road.
Whence the combat between theOglekitties and the squirrels. There havebeen rumors that the fights have been trav-elling around the campus. Recently thenumber of reports has increased from threeto ten sightings every month. The mostpopular sightings are on the quad and nearthe residence halls.
A very lucky student, JosephineSapphire-Moonshine, a freshman, cameacross an Oglekitties and squirrels brawlon the quad. An anonymous student washeading toward the track for his daily exer-cises and came upon another deadly battle.“There were squirrels jumping off treesand cats running up trees. It was chaos,” hesaid. “It looked like an episode of theSquidbillies on Adult Swim, I loved it.”
Another encounter was with agroup of students who were drivingtowards Waffle House and watched thefight from their car. They said it lookedlike the squirrels made a guerilla attackwhile the cats were more organized andseemed to exhibit skills in extreme boxingand tae-kwon-do. “Where did they find
nun-chucks small enough for their tinypaws?” questioned the spectator. Waves ofacorns were thrown at cats while the catsrelied on their stealth and acrobatics.
“I was walking from Phase II tothe cafeteria...you know, the Ho Chi Minhtrail,” Jeremy Brown, a sophomore,recounts. “I heard rustling from the woods,and suddenly I found that I had this itch onmy thigh. I mean, it went away quickly,but it was odd how it just suddenly cameup.” Shortly after this incident, a minisculebullet was found on the ground of the trailJeremy was walking on. The bullet is saidto belong to the weapons wielded by thesquirrels and Oglekitties. Even worse isthat Jeremy is not the only student to havebeen caught in the crossfire of the war.Many others have complained of suddenitches on various parts of their bodies.
“There has been an increase in thenumber of students with rashes and strangemarks on their legs and shoulders,” saidNurse Grote of the Oglethorpe HealthCenter. “I first thought they were frominsects or allergies.” Upon first glance, themarks look like tiny and charred sunflow-ers, but with careful examination one cansee it was a tiny explosion. “I don’t knowif I can believe in this battle but I have seensome bizarre markings,” said Grote.
There have been other sightingsof tiny weapons on the quad. A studentlibrary assistant claimed he saw somethingon the rooftops. “I saw little bows andarrows, a little bandana, and a tiny rocketlauncher on top of the library,” he said.
Next time you hear rustling in thewoods, just imagine the carnage occurringbehind the thick foliage.
This past weekend I had the honor of being oneof the select few to preview Chef Willie Ray’s latest proj-ect, My Trash For Your Treasure: a restaurant designed toenlighten Americans about the lives that our friends inimpoverished areas of our country live.
Chef Ray had the idea for My Trash for YourTreasure when he saw a headline in the Atlanta JournalConstitution about the looming economic crisis. Fiveminutes later, Chef Ray walked into his five-star restau-rant, Le Foo, and was surprised to see a line of patronswaiting to be seated that extended far beyond the door.
“All I could think to myself was, what are all ofthese people doing here? Aren’t they worried they’ll runout of money?” Ray explains. “I decided that I needed todesign a restaurant that would teach Americans the valueof the dollar.”
The result of Chef Ray’s brainstorming is a workof art. The restaurant has no door or walls--instead theguests can enjoy the open air from their seats on squaresof carpet or, for the patron willing to spill a few extrabucks, the real experience can come from sitting on trashcan lids. Through a contract with A & U Heating and Air,Chef Ray ensures that the guests will enjoy warmevenings out with blazing fires designed to look like largemetal trash cans and trash heaps. To complete the image,the management at My Trash for Your Treasure havehired genuine derelicts to wander around the lot asking
guests for spare change. Upon entering the restaurant, we were asked to
remove our shoes, which were replaced with trash bagsbound to our ankles with rubber bands, and we were givenused blankets to share. My guests and I were escorted toa circle of carpet squares, where we settled down andinformed the waiter that we would all be enjoying ChefRay’s special prix fixe menu.
The $1000 menu includes a basket of slightlymolding bread topped with stewed tomatoes, a can of gar-banzo beans, and a half-eaten strip steak. This, accordingto Chef Ray, is a typical diet for one of the more fortunatemembers of our country’s poorest class.
As part of the experience, restaurant patrons canpay an extra $100 to embrace authenticity and work theirway through one of four dumpsters to find their food thatthe chef will then smoke over one of the restaurant’s sig-nature trash can stoves and hand-serve it.
Both the experience and the food left me speech-less--mostly because the molded bread caused a vomitingreflex. According to our waiter, this was precisely thereaction that Chef Ray was looking for and the premieraffect that makes the entire menu “low fat.” Not only arepatrons encouraged to learn about the virtues of smart sav-ing and ingenuity, but they can also watch their waistlinessimultaneously.
After the bread, the stewed tomatoes were per-fectly warmed over the open flame and served in theiroriginal can alongside the garbanzo beans, which were alittle too salty for my taste. The strip steak was flavorfulbut as tough as a board. Topping my strip steak with astewed tomato led me to discover one of those rare simpledelights that we tend to overlook in a world of fine diningand prime rib.
Leaving the restaurant, we were asked to donateour shoes to the restaurant. In a far corner of the lot, ChefRay has begun a pile of patron’s shoes in homage to thosewho must go without shoes every day.
Photo by Lady Yaya
8 Bubble The Stormy Petrel April 3, 2009
Full Name: Adam Houston Bailey
Position at Oglethorpe: OSA President
How did you come to Oglethorpe? No comment.
Where did you grow up? I’m afraid that is classifiedinformation, and only executive members with certainclearance are privy to it.
What is your favorite thing about yourself? I plead thefifth.
What was the first CD/tape/record you bought withyour own money? That is an excellent question, and Iwould like to take a moment to examine its parameters, ifI may.
If you won $1,000,000, what would you do with it?$1,000,000 is an awful lot of money. Many of those I rep-resent have never even seen that kind of money, but isn’tit great that we live in a time and place where anyone hasthe opportunity to rise up and get that large a prize?
What was the last movie you saw that made you cry?The horribly doctored footage of what appears to be medestroying incriminating evidence...I don’t understandmy detractors: if they have a problem with my leader-ship, they should have the stones to say it to my face.
What’s the best thing you ever bought, stole, or bor-rowed? I resent any implication that I have stolen or oth-erwise taken anything that was not rightfully mine, but ifyou were to add the phrase “or reluctantly accepted” Iwould have to answer my current seat in student govern-ment.
If you could live during any historical event/era,which would you choose and why? History is a trickysubject, but once mastered can be of great use. Manyevents have happened in history and by looking at thoseevents, we can ensure that the mistakes of the past do not
resurface and haunt us again in the future.
What would you like to be remembered for? Thedirect, straight-forward manner with which I handlemyself in interview settings. Let it never be said thatAdam Bailey is unable to deliver information to themasses in succinct packages.
What is one item that you couldn’t live without? Asuitcase containing $5 million in appropriated funds, theaccount number to an off-shore savings account, and thelaunch codes to a ballistic missile.
Name four things that you would take with you to adeserted island. A helicopter, a yacht, a mansion, androom service
What is the best advice you ever received? “Deny,deny, deny.”
What is your most prized possession? Student govern-ment positions...not that those are commodities to bebought or sold, mind you.
What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time?I am merely a representative of the people, and people
have a wide variety of interests. What a person chooses todo in his or her spare time is his or her own business.Some people choose to read for leisure, while others pre-fer a nice relaxing afternoon on the couch in front of thetelevision, and in the end, isn’t that what makes Americagreat? People have the ability to do so many differentthings and none of them are wrong.
Whose face would you put on the $100 bill? BillClinton and Richard Nixon, with me peeking in thebackground like they did with Joe Pesci on the LethalWeapon 3 poster.
What was the first part-time job you ever had? Jobsare great things on a number of levels. For one thing theystimulate our economy, both by providing goods andservices, and then again by paying employees moneythey can in turn spend on goods and services.Additionally, the satisfaction of a job well done is some-thing that can propel people onward to greater worksand accomplishments.
What’s your dream job? King of Earth; I feel I am justthe person to get this planet and all its people back on theright track.
When you pick up the latest edition of The StormyPetrel, which section do you turn to first?It is no secretthat I am not a fan of the liberal media, especially aftertheir poor handling of the false charges leveled againstme, but I will admit that I am quite fond of your Arts &Entertainment section, as they don’t feel the need to per-secute me for these “problems” that my “constituents”have with the way I do business. Also, the comics on theback page make me smile.
For your “one answer,” you can make a single state-ment about anything you wish. It can be as long or asshort as you want it to be and can address anythingyou have something to say about advice, politics,Oglethorpe, students, etc.
Mistakes were made. I apologize for nothing.
Dr. Steven T. HendricksonFreak Power Candidate
We were somewhere near the soc-cer field, on the edge of the grass, when thebooze began to take hold.
I remember saying somethinglike, “Whoa, I feel a little whoozy. Maybewe we should slow down.”
Suddenly, I saw this giant animalon the field with a red colored ball. Itfound me and began to charge. I thought,“Jesus, what is that damn animal afterme?”
It was true. On the soccer fieldwas the single largest seal I had ever met.In between its balancing act, it wouldcome after me, jumping and barking with adevilish gleam in its eyes.
“What are you screaming about?”my roommate asked.
“Never you mind. Let’s just keepwalking.” No sense in telling him aboutthe seal yet. The poor bastard would see itsoon enough.
The party was BYOB. We hadtwo bottles of SKYY, half a bottle ofSeagrams, two six packs left of Strongbow,two handles of Captain Morgan, a handleof Cruzan’s pineapple rum, a small bottleof Mike’s Hard Lemonade, a jar of cornwhiskey, a cranberry juice bottle filledwith half cranberry juice and half vodka,and three bottles of kosher wine. Also a
quart of tequila, a 24 pack of NaturalLight, and a pint of our own distilled brandof filtered liquor. Not that we needed allthat for the party. But once you get lockedinto a serious alcohol collection, the ten-dency is to push it as far as you can.
The one thing I was worriedabout was our brand. It had never been
tested on humans before. The rats we hadgiven the stuff to had all collapsed anddied of what we later determined to beheart failure. I knew we would be gettinginto that vile stuff soon ourselves.
Headquarters had sent us to coversome big fundraiser at the Chi Phi fraterni-ty house. I was not quite sure what thetheme would be. Everyone there waswearing these bizarre masks. In the rightlight, the people took on the appearance oflizards. This was all part of some sort ofhuge celebration going on. I can never besure what exactly there is to celebrate inthis foul year of our Lord, two thousandand nine.
Despite this, the atmosphere wasjovial. They had forgotten the foul stenchof the world around them. They had drinksflowing and who knows what else being
passed around like candy. I didn’t botherasking what sort of chemical that was. Nosense in ruining the scene. Such an actionis among the most likely ways to get a mankicked out.
Not that I had noticed much aboutthe atmosphere until after a long, intensivereflection. At the time, I was mostly con-
cerned with not being ejected from thelocale. I had slowly over the yearsbecome an expert at being ejected fromplaces. I slowly approached the door, try-ing to fight the jelly that had become mylegs.
“Good evening! My name is, uh,Russ! I am on the list to interview somemembers of this fine fraternity. This is myroommate, and he must be allowed in!”
There was no debate about it whatso ever. They let us both in, with no pro-visions on smoking and drinking.
It wasn’t long before my room-mate cornered me about that incident. Atfirst he was babbling in some incoherentlanguage. I couldn’t figure it out. Slowly,it all became more clear. “You’re lucky wemanaged to get into this place at all. Youscared the shit out of them!”
“That’s the problem with youman! Here we are, and you just keep com-plaining!”
“What does that mean?”I had no idea how to continue this
discourse. I went around the place, trying to
find what had been ultimately been mygoal. At least, I think it was my goal. Mymind had become so overloaded withgoals that it was simply impossible tofocus on only one. I instead went to thenearest person I could find, a leggy womanto whom people were constantly flocking,presumably to seek her wisdom.
“Excuse me,” I asked “What isthe collegiate dream?”
She gave me a blank look. Theblankest I had ever seen a human beinggive.
“What?”“The collegiate dream?”She gave a hearty laugh and
opened her shirt.“Here it is!”I had to reflect on how simple
some of the great mysteries of life trulyare. I had expected the search for the col-legiate dream to take me a long while thatwould lead me on a great odyssey thatwould eventually get me thrown out of adiner somewhere upstate. But no, it wasalways right in front of me. Sometimes,the best things are the things you do nothave to search for.
“Excuse me,” I asked. “What is the collegiate dream?”She gave me a blank look. The blankest I had ever seen
a human being give.
April 3, 2009 The Stormy Petrel Bubble 9
E. pock AlypseProfessional Doomsdaysayer
In a press conference this week,world-renowned climate change scientistsDr. Harry Kane and Dr. Heath Strokeannounced new findings that suggest animpending apocalypse in the year 2012.After extensive research, climate changescientists came to the same conclusion thatmany civilizations, including the ancientMayans, also reached. “It seems inevitablethat the world will experience a seriousand potentially detrimental climate changeevent in 2012,” said Kane.
Scientists are unclear about whatthe event will entail, but in the wake ofmajor disasters such as the complete melt-ing of the polar ice caps and the submer-sion of California, New Orleans, and otherlow-lying areas, this news does not shockmany. “We have known for quite sometime that the rapidly changing climatecould have a major effect,” said Stroke,“we just had no idea that it would happenso soon.” According to scientists, it is pos-sible that the poles will reverse causingmass chaos and drastic changes in theearth’s make-up. Spokepeople from theWalt Disney Corporation are confident thatthey may be able to make a new apoca-lypse-themed amusement ride to lightenthe mood before the big event happens.
White House officials have madelittle comment on the matter, aside from afew statements from the President himself.“We may be in for the ride of our lives,”President Obama said, “but just hang on,keep your arms and legs inside the movingvehicle, and everything will be cool.”
While many speculate over whatthis statement actually means, anxiety overthe apocalypse grows. People around theworld have begun to stockpile supplies—items such as beef jerky, Bratz dolls, andwater purifiers are flying off the shelves. Arepresentative from Wal-Mart said yester-day that he thought this might be a goodthing for America, or Wal-Mart at least.“We can survive anything,” he said.
Former President George W.Bush was quoted on a late night talk show,saying, “During my term climate changedidn’t exist, and now that this new guy isin office, all of a sudden there’s an apacer-lypse. Something seems fishy if you askme! And who knows what this type ofnews will do to the education system,” Mr.Bush continued, “we said no child leftbehind and damnit we meant it!”
To many college students, the2012 ending of the world provides a per-fect solution to drop out of school and pur-sue their real dreams before its too late.After all, the majority of undergraduatecollege students will complete their col-lege education at least $10,000 in debt.Why not spend that money on somethingelse? For college students now might bethe opportune time to pack up their booksand head to those exciting places they’vealways wanted to go. It seems with theway things are headed that there might notbe much time left.
“We had no idea when we startedthis research that our findings would be soearthshattering,” concluded Dr. Kane atthe press conference’s end. “I suppose itwas just a matter of time before our actionscaught up with us.”
Hello again, Comrades! Have youbeen having problems convincing peoplethat the teachings of Daddy Marx and PapaLenin are the way to go? Are those peskyfederal agents trying to keep you fromorganizing? Well, kick back a slug or fif-teen of good Russky vodka and check outsome of these suggestions for covertlyconverting.
Talk to your professors aboutincluding The Communist Manifesto as aCore book.
Bake some cookies, then decoratethem with red stars. Share them equallywith everybody. This is both delicious anda subversive way to spread the philosophy!
Suggest an alternative springbreak at a farming commune.
Last, but not least, try some goodold-fashioned kneecapping with a baseballbat. Make sure you get your friends Borisand Victor (with the large forearms) tohelp you with this!
Of course, living as a Communistisn’t all about converting others to the trueway of economic prosperity. It’s equallyimportant to try to evade a totalitarian, fas-cist government of capitalist pig-dogs.Having a good hideout is certainly the firststep, but what then? Personally, I likeusing postcards to get the word out—getan unwitting accomplice to drop them offat the post office box, and presto! A twopercent rate of success without ever havingto leave your hidey-hole. Other membersof my commune have reportedly had goodsuccess with radio and tv stations, such as
NPR and Fox News. Eventually, however, you’re
going to get found; when you have “Super-super-super left-wing” as your Facebookpolitical status, as any good commieshould, it’s just going to happen. Keepinga handy supply of smoke grenades nearbycan help with making a quick escape,although most SWAT teams are starting tocatch on. Really, it’s best just to pick upand move every two weeks or so in thename of safety.
As always, I close this month’sarticle with a recipe: the Hammer-and-Sickle Split
Take a banana, split down themiddle into exactly equal portions. Drizzlered, strawberry sauce onto golden vanillaice cream, topped with a cherry, preferablysoaked in vodka. For decoration, place atasteful star on one side and a gracefulhammer and sickle on the other made ofchocolate sauce. Be sure to make a lot sothat the Politburo can forcefully distributeyour belongings for the good of the whole!
AAddvviiccee ffoorr aa ssuucccceessssffuull rreevvoolluuttiioonn oonn yyoouurr ccaammppuuss!!
It is with deep regret that I, FriedaPorlock, Stormy Petrel GlobalCorrespondent, file my last report from theNational University of Corona. As youknow, I have been studying abroad inCorona for nearly a month now, but recentpolitical events and the ensuing unrest arecausing my premature departure from thatinstitution.
Eduardo Perdido, of-late presi-dent of the state of Corona, was forced outof power by a restive upper house earlylast week in defiance of the popular man-date which he received to govern.
It is suspected that the leaders ofthe upper house were taking money fromthe American government in return for amotion of impeachment, although Perdidoultimately resigned. The American gov-ernment had long been suspicious ofPerdido's populist tendencies, which cul-minated in an election campaign that wasbuilt around education subsidies for thepoorest segments of the population.
Perdido's start in politics came onCorona's Board of Culture. After severalmonths of inactivity on that body, heresigned, citing his disgust at its inefficien-cy and wasteful spending, questioninghow Coronian pounds could be pouredinto chic soirees for the country's elitewhen the nation's infrastructure was crum-bling and welfare programs nearly nonex-istent..
Abandoning politics, in the fol-lowing year he founded a fiscal educationagency, aimed at teaching the poorest seg-ment of society how to manage theirmoney. All people, no matter theirresources, should be able to get the mostout of what they have, he declared, eveninstituting a program whereby he himselfmatched the savings of the very poorestfrom his own considerable resources.
It was his time spent educatingthe poor as well as his contempt for the
Board of Culture--which threw its mostlavish Founder's Day Ball ever in thatsame year, most notoriously spending sev-eral hundred thousand Coronian pounds ona fountain filled with champagne--thatconvinced him to run for the office of thepresidency the following election season.
His work with the FiscalResponsibility Initiative had given himtremendous support from the bottom 25%of the population, which he capitalized onwith an ambitious plan for education sub-sidies, which would be provided to all andsundry unable to afford good schooling
and be paid for by a modest tax increase aswell as budget cuts in other areas. Thisplan made Perdido wildly popular; Coronaboasts the most expensive--albeit the best,as I well know--educational system in theSouthern Hemisphere, where very few canafford schooling without going into debt.
Perdido faced significant andentrenched opponents in the race. Hischallengers were the widow of a long-timeCorona senator, Daniela Colnago, bestcharacterized as a genial incompetent who,if elected, would make neither changes norwaves, and the treasurer Gabriel Oro, whoran on a platform of fiscal reform centeredon a return to the gold standard.
With no candidate winning amajority in the primary, the race became arunoff between Colnago and Perdido.Despite hard campaigning on the part ofthe Mrs. Colnago, the late senator's well-oiled political machine proved no matchfor the massive voter turnout in support ofPerdido, who carried the runoff with 58%of the vote.
It was then that the dream beganto turn sour. The lower and upper housesdistrusted this left-leaning president, whothey feared would try to cut the budget ofthe Board of Culture in order to fund hiscampaign promises. They were provenpartially correct.
Although Perdido did indeedmake a concerted attempt to strip theBoard of Culture of its budgetary preemi-nence in the government, he proceeded todo the same to the two houses of the legis-lature, embarking on a crusade to stream-line the government while in fact vestinggreater powers in his own office. This,Perdido said, was for the sake of the sus-tainability and effectiveness of the govern-ment of Corona, which as it stood was nei-ther rewarding for the representatives norfor the people they represented.Meanwhile, the plans for education subsi-dies were buried in piles of analyses detail-ing inefficiencies in the governmentrequiring rectification, the money that had
been raised to kick-start the subsidy fundalso mysteriously disappearing.
Opposition to the president in thelower house grew with every new report.It was at about this time that visits by theAmerican consul to the government com-pound were noted to have increased drasti-cally. The president had refused to meetwith the consul who had a history of dic-tating policy on behalf of his own govern-ment, the president citing his independ-ence from foreign powers in his policy for-mation. However, the speaker of the lowerhouse and several key cabinet members
were reportedly hosted by the consul at acrucial dinner party in early December.There it is conjectured that the offer wasmade: that the American governmentwould fund the propaganda campaignagainst the president in return for a motionof impeachment.
Whether or not the cabinet was infact on the American payroll is uncertain,although the consistently positive cover-age of the government both during andafter the coup seems to suggest this--par-ticularly when considered against the for-merly strident anti-establishment tonetaken by the national press. What is cer-tain, however, is that a coalition wasformed to ensure the motion of impeach-ment's passing in the upper house, whosesole authority it was to make such amotion.
At the last minute, however, theleaders of the movement balked. Themotion to impeach was delayed until afterwinter recess of the parliament. When itwas finally brought at the first session ofthe new year, a tense stand-off between thebeleaguered president and the angry upperhouse ensued, the president refusing to callmeetings and the upper house lacking the
constitutional authority to do so. This sit-uation remained unresolved for some threeweeks, until, worn down by the constantexhortations of his closest female compan-ion, Perdido at last resigned.
It must be said for Perdido thatwhatever his faults, he did genuinely carefor the people who put him into office.Every fight with the legislature that hefought, he fought because he truly believedthat what he was doing would be for theultimate benefit of Corona. Unfortunately,his idealism and status as a political out-sider effectively destroyed any chance hehad of success.
Perdido has been placed underhouse arrest in an outlying suburb of thecapital as new president Alejandro Barreradoes his best to put a good face on theattempted coup. Although the streets arequiet, Oglethorpe's strict No Coup policyrequires that I return regardless. But letthe experience of Eduardo Perdido be alesson to everyone, and not least of all tothe members of our own student govern-ment: politics is no walk in the park, andeven the ants won't eat your lunch if youpacked idealism in your picnic basket.
Photo by Lady YayaPolitical unrest in the state of Corona forced Frieda Porlock’s early return toOglethorpe’s campus.
At the last minute, however, the leaders of themovement balked. The motion to impeach was
delayed until after winter recess of the parliament.
Editors: Tipsy McDrunkerson & Willie Dinglebottom
Arts & Entertainment12 A&E The Stormy Petrel April 3, 2009
At long last, 3-D filmmaking hascome into its own. Unsurprisingly, thebreakthrough comes courtesy of Disney,whose animated films have consistentlycharmed audiences while always remain-ing cutting-edge. What is surprising isfrom where in the Disney kingdom thisbreakthrough has come.
This watershed event in cinemaarrives courtesy neither of the acclaimedPixar studios, nor any of Disney’s in-houseanimated artists. Instead, we owe ourthanks to sophomore director BruceHendricks and the equally fresh-faced castof the daring social commentary that isJonas Brothers: The 3D ConcertExperience.
Through a brilliant introductorysequence that recalls the glory days ofcinéma-vérité, we are introduced in turn toPaul Kevin, Joseph Adam, and NicholasJerry: the titular Brothers Jonas.
As these young men enjoy anearly breakfast, under the ever-watchfuleye of their bodyguard Robert “Big Rob”Feggans, and discuss their upcoming con-cert, it gradually becomes clear that we arewatching not a band, but a trio ofimmensely gifted unknown actors. And itbecomes equally clear that the work we arewatching is no mere “concert film” but thetriumphant emergence of the greatest satir-ical documentarian since ChristopherGuest.
Although a relative newcomer tothe world of directing, this is not the firsttime that filmmaker Bruce Hendricks hassought to challenge the American popularentertainment industry from within. Hisprevious film, the promising but unevenHannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best ofBoth Worlds Concert Tour, used the wafer-thin premise of a pop music star with asplit personality and an unhealthily inti-mate relationship with her father as aspring-board for a surprisingly deep andcomplex examination of the dual expecta-tions of virgin and whore that our societyhypocritically thrusts upon teenage girls.
With Jonas Brothers: The 3DConcert Experience, Hendricks furtherrefines this motif of pop music stars asempty vessels, transforming the BrothersJonas into Petrarchan archetypes onto
which we, the audience, can project ourown sense of isolation and daily strugglefor identity within the grinding gears of themachine that is 21st century post-industri-al society.
No less remarkable are the per-formances of the virtual unknownsHendricks tasks with inhabiting theseimmortal archetypes.
Bravely adopting monikers pat-terned after their own names, “Kevin,”“Joe,” and “Nick”—as they are referred toon screen—throw themselves headfirstinto characters as uniformly indistinguish-able from one another as they are void ofinteresting personality traits. The BrothersJonas manage the remarkable task of mak-ing their characters believable, and attimes sympathetic, even as they nigh-com-pulsively undercut the “band’s” credibilityat every given opportunity.
However, it is the film’s ironicuse of cutting edge stereoscopic imagingtechniques that truly adds—if one will par-don the term—an entire extra dimension toJonas Brothers. By deliberately distortingthe depth of field, Hendricks is able to sub-tly suggest the persistent sense of isolationthat such a popular band, even one socheerfully oblivious, must feel at somedeep level.
In one especially poignant scene,a crowd of screaming teenage girls pressesitself upon every surface of the vehicle the
Brothers are riding in. Although we knowthe crowd is mere inches away from theband, Hendricks expands the dimensionalspace between the two groups as much ashe credibly can.
Through feats of technical wiz-ardry such as this, Hendricks is able tomake manifest what he has been implyingmetaphorically throughout the film: thatthe Brothers Jonas’ fame, much like thecustomized SUV they ride in, is, in reality,a heavily-gilded prison.
Hendricks reinforces this notionof fame as a luxurious cage through moretraditional visual cues, both subtle andover-the-top. The alert filmgoer will noticethat each of the Brothers sports a “purityring” on his left ring finger, a symbol ofself-imposed chastity until marriage usual-ly associated with conservative Christiandoctrine. Since the Brothers Jonas is sup-posedly a world-famous rock band, this isobviously not the case. Instead, the ringssymbolize each band member’s inability toever truly let their guard down, lest theyrisk being ripped to shreds by legions ofemotionally unstable teenage “fans,” clam-oring quite literally to claim for them-selves whatever small piece of theBrothers Jonas they can.
Hendricks fleshes out the worldthat the Brothers Jonas inhabit with a veri-table cavalcade of surrealistic supportingcharacters, the likes of which one rarely
sees outside of a David Lynch ensemble.By far the most memorable of these color-ful cameos is the one provided by the self-appointed “Fake Jonas Brothers.”
Less a tribute band than the teenidol equivalent of a third-tier Elvis imper-sonator, the Fake Brothers gleefully prosti-tute their approximate resemblance to their“legitimate” alter-egos.
Unlike the “real” Brothers how-ever, the Fakes are fully self-aware thatthey are copying a fictitious band. Thus,they raise the troubling question: what ismore pitiful? A fake band, blissfullyunaware that their very existence is unreal,or a fake fake band, daily aware that theyare living someone else’s lie?
The one place where Hendricksstumbles is in his incorporation of extend-ed “concert” segments, ostensibly chroni-cling a “real” performance of the band inNew York City. These interludes, whiletechnically impressive, clash severely withthe faux-documentary feel of the rest of thefilm and seriously impede the flow of thenarrative.
No doubt these segments wereshoe-horned in at the insistence of somemisguided studio executive, afraid that a“pure” mockumentary might scare awayaudiences weaned on a steady diet ofexplosions, quick cuts, and naked flesh.
Hendricks tries to make the bestof the situation by inserting references tothemes explored in the film proper.
Unfortunately, only one of thesesegments truly works: a scene in which theBrothers Jonas vent their sexual repressionand sense of isolation on their audience byfiring high-speed jets of flaky, white foamat their fans.
Tragically, Jonas Brothers: The3D Concert Experience has been com-pletely passed over for any of the majorawards. Clearly, Hendricks is on the cut-ting edge, and while the Academy hasalways been fairly conservative in itschoice of films, such an industry-widesnub is infuriatingly unprecedented.
Perhaps they are uncomfortablewith how the film deftly mixes genres.Maybe Hendricks is simply ahead of histime. Hopefully, they will one day come torecognize his genius, and Hendricks willreceive the respect as a filmmaker he sorichly deserves.
Photo by Lady YayaRemarkable are the performances of the virtual unknowns Hendricks tasks withinhabiting these immortal archetypes.
Hello all. Your good friend TipsyMcDrunkerson is back again with morelife-changing advice to dole out. Thisyear, however, I am not here to help youfind love, but rather to use my skills tohelp you make a fortune in gamblingagainst your friends.
Because I go out drinking sooften, it quickly became necessary toimpress people into buying me drinks, andafter a while, I developed the ability toactually see into the future on certain occa-sions. Today, I am here to tell you what toput money down on for Oscar poolsbetween family, friends, and coworkers inorder to maximize your odds of winning
big in February. For best results, makethese bets soon in order to dupe your lovedones into betting big against your “unedu-cated guesses.”
BEST ACTRESS: Malin Akerman,Watchmen
I further decree that it will beanother posthumous award, a la HeathLedger. There is no way fanboys won’thave murdered her by the film’s close intheatres. Additionally, the Academy hasset a precedent for the posthumous award,so rioting will likely ensue if they don’tgive it to her.
BEST ACTOR: Jason Statham, Crank:High Voltage
Let me just say a word about
Jason Statham: genius. There, I said it. Noother word accurately describes an actorwho signs on to a sequel to a film and diesat the end of it. In this explosive foray intothe human condition, Statham, as I under-stand it, must keep a battery charged to notdie, instead of the last film’s adrenalinerequirement. I wait on pins and needles tosee how this one turns out.
BEST DIRECTOR: George Lucas, StarWars 7
This will easily be the call thatwill raise the most eyebrows when youmake it, but don’t back down, this win willhappen. I actually expected it a couple ofyears ago when Lucas presented withSpielberg and Coppola, but was saddenedwhen the win went to the undeserving
Scorsese instead. Look at the big picture:the original films have been marred by theprequels and Lucas has been off the radarexcept to throw us off his trail with CloneWars; all I’m saying is Hollywood loves acomeback...
BEST PICTURE: Halloween 2Rob Zombie will easily be a con-
tender for the Best Director award for thesheer stones he has displayed by not onlyremaking a classic horror movie, but thenmaking a sequel to his previous film that isalso partly a remake of the original film’ssequel. In light of this, do keep up withZombie’s work and look out for him to bea frontrunner in future Academy Awardceremonies.
In what has been dubbed oneof the most surprising comebacks inhuman history, 80s pop duo Milli Vanilli isset to perform a series of comeback con-certs in London’s famed O2 Arena, site oflast year’s Led Zeppelin comeback show.“We are so excited to be back,” stated RobPilatus, one half of the duo who is not onlyreturning to Milli Vanilli for this show, butactually returning from the dead as well.“We will be performing all the songs ourfans want to hear. This is it!”
Milli Vanilli began as a danceduo in 1988. While initially ignored, theirfirst album, Girl You Know It’s True, wasan enormous success when released in1989. The singles from the album, “Baby,Don’t Forget My Number,” “Girl I’mGonna Miss You,” and “Blame It On theRain” all went to Number 1 on theBillboard Top 100. The success eventuallyculminated in a Grammy win for Best NewArtist in 1990.“Those were some of thehappiest days of my life,” said FabMorvan, the other half of Milli Vanilli. “Itwas like the ultimate party with the great-est music known to mankind.”
Of course, as with any enter-tainer, the good times were not to last.Soon after their Grammy win, Milli Vanillicame under fire for lip syncing in theirconcerts. They were forced to return theirGrammy and became the laughingstock ofthe industry. “The shame was so bad, it lit-erally killed me,” said Pilatus, briefly for-getting the addiction to pills. “I guess, inretrospect, the pills helped. But it was theshame more than anything else.”
Morvan, meanwhile, wasforced to become a disc jockey andattempted a solo career that resulted in nomajor hits. “I tried to wear a good face dur-ing the scandal. And I actually managed toget some money from VH1 interviews
talking about the downfall. But I missedthe glory, I missed the limelight, and Imissed Rob.” In the end, it was the releaseof the Milli Vanilli Greatest Hits albumthat sparked interest in the group again. Inaddition, a fan who played the album atPilatus’ grave site somehow managed toresurrect him.
“I don’t know how it hap-pened!” exclaimed the fan, who wished toremain anonymous. “I was playing ‘GirlYou Know It’s True’ and suddenly, fromhis grave, came the eerie chanting of true,true, true. Then the ground erupted andRob was just standing there, looking likehe had never even died.”
Due in no small part to thismiraculous resurrection, the string ofshows will be called the Milli VanilliResurrection Tour. The tour will showcaseall new songs that Pilatus wrote while inthe afterlife and will include the duo actu-ally singing. Morvan has showcased hissinging talent on various European talkshows since the turn of the millennium.Pilatus supposedly also encountered a“legendary vocal coach” in the afterlife.
“We are not going to lie tofans. This will feature our vocals and onlyour vocals,” said Morvan during a slightlyoff-key rehearsal of “Baby Don’t ForgetMy Number.” “We have lied to the fansbefore,” said Pilatus. “Our Grammy, ourfame, our reputation, and even our guestspot on the Super Mario Brothers animat-ed TV show were tainted because of ourdishonesty. We are not asking for forgive-ness. We are asking for the public to keepan open mind. We are completely dedicat-ed to making these concerts work.”
Aside from Milli Vanilli, theconcerts will also feature a variety of spe-cial guests, including legendary brothersAli and Mark Score, guitarist Steve Bartek,and even Christopher Hamill. “These guysreally inspired today’s pop music scene,”stated Hamill. “We have all sorts of pop
artists who don’t really sing on theirrecords. I think one of those High SchoolMusical kids lip-syncs. We would benowhere without Milli Vanilli.”
The group’s former manager,Frank Farian, had only this to say: “I am soproud those boys are performing again. Ofcourse, they could definitely use some-thing in the background to help spruce upthere images. Maybe some new backupsingers. Oh, wait, how on earth would thatwork?”
Critical reaction to theannouncement has been positive. Most,including such high profile critics asChuck Klosterman, have reacted favorablyto the announcements. “I think the time isright for Rob and Fab to return,” saidKlosterman in a recent online review.“Despite the controversy over the lip-sync-ing, Milli Vanilli has actually had a muchmore far reaching influence than anyone
cared to admit. They definitely helpedusher in the popularity of R & B through-out the 1990s.”
So far, only 15 shows havebeen scheduled. However, demand for thetickets has been overwhelming, with sometickets--which later turned out to be cleverfakes--going for as much as $500 beforeany deception was discovered. In addition,there have been many pools startedthroughout the world taking bets as towhether the two artists would follow up ontheir promise to actually sing. Pilatus andMorvan have been overwhelmed by thedemand. “I guess people really missed us.”
This may be the last chance tosee the legendary Milli Vanilli live in con-cert. The first concert will be performedJuly 15, and tickets are expected to sell outquickly.
Buckhead’s premier hobo anddepression-era themed restaurant will soonbe expanding into the realm of art. OnApril 1, the restaurant will celebrate theopening of a museum dedicated to the pro-motion and education of the vastly under-appreciated genre of transient art. To helpcommemorate the event, the estate ofAndy Warhol, in cooperation with theHobo Art Initiative (HAI), graciouslyagreed to loan several pieces from the lateartist’s little known “American waste”
period.The centerpiece of the exhibit is a
towering sculpture comprised of discardedsoda cans, burger wrappers, and the like:the very embodiment of the sort of wastethat is quintessential American popularculture. This unnamed monument toAmerican excess, Warhol’s final work,was believed to have been lost for years.When Warhol’s famous Factory was shutdown following his death, the janitorialstaff ordered to clean the building uncere-moniously discarded nearly all of hiswaste-based works. Not realizing whatthey had, the crew simply threw the sculp-ture into the garbage with the rest of the“trash.”
While the smaller pieces haveoccasionally turned up at private auctions,and even garage sales, most of the collec-tion, including the sculpture itself,remained buried until fate, and a perspica-cious landfill worker, intervened. Self-styled Warhol aficionado and retired hoboRichard “Trench Coat Josh” Jones was inthe process of re-compacting a section ofhis lot when he noticed a beer bottle “thatsimply stood out from the rest.” Diggingthrough the refuse, Jones eventually dis-covered nearly every piece of the sculp-ture, along with several smaller works ofAmerican waste that even the Warholestate believed to have been long agodestroyed.
Unfortunately, when Jones firstbrought the pieces to the Warhol estate, itappeared that the ravages of time hadundone the pop art genius’s final work. “Itwas an absolute travesty,” remarked muse-
um curator Crystal “Curbside Hannah”Johnson, recalling the condition the frag-ments of the work were in. The pieces,having sat for years in a landfill, seemed tohave been hopelessly contaminated. AsJohnson explained, this made it impossibleto discern Warhol’s original artistic intent:“There was no way to know whether abanana peel was a commentary onAmerican agriculture or just what an officeworker had for lunch. Was that unidentifi-able brown stain on a scrap of paper placedthere by Warhol deliberately, or did it, infact, originate from a source we wouldrather not know the identity of?”
Just when all seemed lost, photo-graphs of the sculpture in progress werediscovered in the archives of the Warholestate. These images, much like the sculp-ture itself, were originally assumed to begarbage, snapshots hastily taken by Warholin an effort to finish off an incomplete rollof film. With this new discovery, the estatefelt that it might actually be possible torepair the sculpture. They immediatelyassembled a restoration team comprised ofthe foremost experts in pop and hobo art.
The restoration team faced a mas-sive task. First, pieces had to be sorted andcatalogued. Next, the pieces were cleanedin a proprietary, three stage process.Several of the pieces were so severelysoiled that the team decided they had nochoice but to aggressively scrub them ofall dirt and detritus.
(This decision generated consid-erable controversy. Many in the pop andhobo art communities believed it wouldhave been better to have left the pieces
alone rather than risk the possibility of lit-erally washing away any of Warhol’sartistry. Team members, citing publichealth and safety regulations, said theirhands were effectively tied.)
Once cleaned, the pieces had tobe checked against the photographs yetagain and any of Warhol’s deliberate “soil-ings” had to be painstakingly reapplied.Finally, the pieces were reassembledaccording to the photos and Warhol’s ownnotes. The team made no attempt to fill thespaces left by missing pieces, either withreplicas or contributions by contemporaryartists. Johnson said the team felt that thesculpture’s incomplete nature made themessage Warhol was attempting to conveyall the more powerful. She said that themissing pieces “represent the holes left inthe American psyche by a culture of wasteand excess that consumes all yet ultimate-ly leaves one feeling unfulfilled.”
Although the museum has yet toformally open, Johnson is extremely excit-ed for its future. “It is my sincere hope,”she said, “that through this exhibit, andothers like it, the museum can exposeAtlantans to a little-known yet vitally-important aspect of our national culturalhistory.”
America Wasted: the Lost Worksof Andy Warhol will be on display at TheAtlanta Museum of Transient andDepression Era Art April 1, 2009 – April 1,2009. Tickets may be purchased at thedoor, or in advance at any Metro area trainyard.Photo by Lady Yaya
Warhol as found by Richard “TrenchCoat Josh” Jones.
Photo by Lady YayaMilli Vanilli, seen here at the height of their popularity in the early 1990s.
In a recent marketing campaigngeared towards college students,Oglethorpe was awarded a $55 millioncontract to build a state-of-the-art gymna-sium, sponsored by Chuck Norris and theTotal Gym workout system. The newlydesigned Schmidt Recreation Center willfeature a 10,000 sq-ft facility which willhouse more than 100 Total Gym systems,plus top-of-the-line treadmills, freeweights, flat-screen TVs, an Olympic-sizepool, large locker rooms, and the NorrisSauna and Spa--named in honor of gener-ous donor, Chuck Norris.
“We’re thrilled to have the oppor-tunity to team up with Norris and the TotalGym,” commented OU Athletics DirectorJay Gardiner. “A new gym will certainlybring many new opportunities for theschool and our students.”
Unlike the limited hours of thecurrent facility, students will have thechance to use the new gym every daybetween the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 11:00p.m. Several large training rooms will alsobe available for reservation for team orclub practices. No longer will there be con-flicts between groups needing to use thelimited gym space for practices orrehearsals.
All of the OU Athletics HeadCoaches also commend the endeavor to
improve the current gymnasium. “It willbe nice to have the best equipment for ourathletes to train on,” stated Dan Giordano,Head Coach for men’s baseball. Hopes arethat better equipment will allow athletes toexercise more thoroughly and combatagainst the numerous injuries all teamshave experienced over the past few years.
The gym will also provide newopportunities for the average student tostay fit. With features like the Olympic-size pool and a new sauna and spa, OUathletics staff members expect more stu-
dents to be drawn in to experience all thatthe facility will have to offer. “We’d reallylike to see the whole campus get involvedin an initiative towards better health,” stat-ed Nurse Cathy Grote, “and what betterway to start that than by putting thenation’s best equipment directly on cam-pus.”
Students have already startedbuzzing about the newest development oncampus. “I can’t wait to start using the newequipment and working out to prepare forupcoming seasons,” said Chelsea
MacDonald, sophomore basketball player.While many students and athletes
are excited about the prospective gym, oth-ers are sad to see it arrive just as they haveto depart. “I’m really bummed that this ismy last year and I won’t be able to experi-ence such an awesome addition to the cam-pus,” said Chris Lucas, senior baseballplayer.
Oglethorpe’s new top-dollar gymis marked to be complete in time for a rib-bon-cutting ceremony on April 1, 2010.
“Will there ever be a tennis matchat OU again?!” Many Oglethorpe studentsare questioning if they will get the chanceto see a tennis match on their home courtsagain in the 2009 season. Some teamsacross the nation might claim that theyhave a home field advantage and dominateat their home games. No, that can’t be saidfor Oglethorpe. Here, it’s a case of theHome Court Curse.
From the start of the season untilnow, the OU men’s and women’s tennisteams have only managed to play half oftheir games on their home courts. It hasseemed that the scheduling gods have noterred on the side of kindness towardsOglethorpe this season. Games are contin-ually being moved, postponed, or evencancelled due to inclement weather orlarge campus events.
It was unfortunate, but under-standable, when the matches on March 6had to be moved to an alternate locationoff campus because Oglethorpe earned thechance to host rounds of the NCAAwomen’s basketball tournament. Studentswould have to sacrifice one night of tennisto be given in return the chance to see theLady Petrels kill two teams in the basket-ball tournament.
But, students have begun to won-der, will there ever be an end to the rain?The past few weeks, half a dozen games ormore have been cancelled because of
Georgia’s miserable weather. And it does-n’t look like things will change soon, withmore weather coming on days there justhappen to be tennis matches.
“It’s really killing me,” com-plained student Dallas Greene. “I love ten-nis and am being deprived of seeingenough of my favorite OU sport becausegames keep getting cancelled or movedelsewhere!” As the sunshine continues todrift further away from the Oglethorpe ten-nis courts, tennis lovers join together andcommiserate, wondering if they will get tosee a tennis match at home again this year.
Yet another blow to the sportcame with the loss of Jayme Danielson for
the women’s team, out for the rest of theseason due to emergency shoulder surgery.“It’s really tough having to step down forthe season,” said Danielson, “but I haveconfidence in my team that we can winagain at home, whenever we get thechance to play.”
The sidelines of the tennis courtmay be empty and soaked with rain fornow, but the OU tennis fans are anxiouslywaiting the day they can return to cheer ontheir favorite players. Let’s hope there’sbetter weather on the horizon for Atlanta,so the Oglethorpe tennis teams can actual-ly do what they train for all year, and tryand break that Home Court Curse.
Photos by Lady YayaLEFT: Oglethorpe’s new top-of-the-line gym will feature the newest exercise equipment plus flat-screen TV’s. RIGHT:Chuck Norris as spokesperson for the Total Gym.
Score BoxSeason Records
Baseball:20-0
Men’s Basketball: 26-0
Women’s Basketball: 31-0
Men’s Tennis: 8-0
Women’s Tennis: 8-0
(All records current as of4/1/2009)
Photo by Lady Yaya
Editor: Ima LeavinHindsight
April 3, 2009 The Stormy Petrel Hindsight 15
The Jolly JokerThe Jolly Joker
One shot of Vodka
Any flavor JollyRancher Candy
Unwrap JollyRancher candy, andplace in a shot glass.Pour vodka overcandy. Let sit atroom temperaturefor one hour. Serve.
Chad HummingbirdContributing Senior
I certainly hope that everyone’sSpring Break was memorable. Yes, Iknow that some of you all had to stay oncampus to do work or had sports games toperform at or, I don’t know, ballet recitalsto watch and wish for death’s sweetembrace to take you away from the pink,glittery hell. But me? Well, mine hadsome…unintended events take place.What were they, you ask? I’m glad youasked! Let’s run down the list.
Became a matador and foughtin Pamplona – This one was fun. I gotreally good at swirling that cape that theyhave to play with. I have to say though,getting gored is no bueno.
Went into space – It’s true.NASA sent me up into space to explorethe vast outer reaches of the universe. Itwas pretty badass.
Fought giant space mantises onVenus after going into space – I’m notreally allowed to talk about this one.
Discovered a hole in thespace/time continuum – A side effect ofthe medication I had to go on after fight-ing back the villainous horde of mantiseswas that I actually was able to manipulatethe fabric of the very universe. So I total-ly went back to shake my hand in 1987.Little baby me peed my Huggies.
Used the hole in space andtime to punch Mussolini in the face sofreakin’ hard – I mean really freakin’hard, man.
Became metallic – This one wasunsettling. I woke up on Thursday and forwhatever reason, I was able to cover mybody with a thin sheen of unbreakablemetal, like Wolverine except all over orlike Colossus if he hadn’t been such abitch. True story though, metal doesn’t
breathe well. And it chafes like nobody’sbusiness. Avoid at all costs.
Became Metallica – Yes, I wassuccessful in my efforts to transmute myconsciousness into the bodies of all fourmembers of Metallica. Gotta be honesthere…it was a little disappointing. Theyplay a lot of Jenga. A LOT of Jenga.
Became lead singer of Poisonfor a tour – I loved this one. BretMichaels came up to me and was like“Bro, listen, I really need your help. I’mexhausted by being awesome and havingall these women rub up against me andperforming. Can I tag out for a week?”Yes, Bret. Yes, you could.
Got my own reality show – Iwas also able to parlay my brief musicalcareer into a reality show. They called it“The Adventures of Doctor AwesomeMcKickass (all rights reserved)” and itrevolved around me hooking up, drinkingCristal and getting grillz on mah teef. Itlasted three weeks and will never reachsyndication. It was too smart for thoseMTV jackasses.
Killed a bear with my barehands while naked – Okay, okay, look,this one got way blown out of context.What happened was I was taking a mentalcleansing day in a forest up in Minnesotaand was letting the cool Midwest air suckthe toxins from my body when I cameacross a mother bear and her two cubs.Thinking it would be funny, I grabbedone of the cubs and took off across theforest. She chased me, the intent to maulclear in her furious roars, and the onlyrecourse I had was to jump on her backand put her in a headlock until she suc-cumbed to my strength squeezing the lifefrom her body. Then I tied the cubs to mycar and let them ride on top as I droveback to Atlanta. They’re in a better placenow. The Atlanta Zoo.
Merged minds with the Aztecgod Quetzalcoatl – This one was actuallyrunning concurrently with the bear saga.During my vision quest, the god came tome and asked me to be his human vesselin his attempt to regain control of the soulof the planet. I agreed, but my recklessactions with the bear showed him thatmankind was still too unstable to conquerand he ran like a winged snake god out ofHell away from me. Shame too. It waslike having James Earl Jones in my head.
Impregnated four hundredwomen, including three former Disneystars – I can’t tell you which ones. Theirlawyers have me strapped down tighterthan they did. *rimshot*
Was elected President ofSurinam – Even I don’t know how thisone happened.
Was reborn as a Highlander –“There can be only one” is actually a fal-lacious statement. Instead, theHighlanders have an elite cadre of mem-bers that meet occasionally to discusspolicies and play some poker whilewatching the game.
Tripped the light fantastic – Iowned that freakin’ light. And no, I don’tknow what this means.
Partied with T-Pain – I was ona boat, I was on a boat, everybody lookedat me ‘cause I was sailing on a boat. Iwas on a boat, I was on a boat, took agood hard look at the m-f boat.
Was pursued through fourstates by federal agents after defilingan unidentified national treasure – I’llgive you a hint. It rhymes with “TheDeclaration of Independence.” Wait…
Got a wicked awesome tan –I’m talking bronzed, baby. Atlas-style.
Brewed my own liquor andconsumed it in front of little children –Part gasoline, part fermented peaches, allawesome.
And finally, flexed my bicepsso awesomely that Helen of Troy cameback through time to personally thankme for rocking the shizzy – No foolin’.She actually said shizzy.
What a tiring break! But youknow what? I wouldn’t trade any of theseexperiences for the world. Okay, maybethe whole federal charges thing, but intheir defense, I WAS kind of a prick aboutit.
The fearless spring breaker battles themantis on Jupiter.
WWe can do big things!e can do big things!
Let’s give the Captain another shotat this whole boat-into-harbor thing!
Paid for by the Committee to Re-elect Adam Bailey. The views and promises expressed in this ad are in no way a representation of the views, capabilities, or desires of OglethorpeUniversity, the Oglethorpe Student Association, or any individuals therein. Due to an ongoing legal battle, Adam Bailey has not yet endorsed this messages.
