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The Two Realms of Fairness
The Two Realms of Fairness
The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge)
The Learned Realm
The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge)
The Learned Realm
Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions
Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions
1) If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically.
2) Love conquers all.3) What’s fair is intuitively obvious.4) It isn’t fair for me to put my needs ahead of someone
I love.5) Since I am a good person, my take on things is usually
fair.6) The past is the past and has nothing to do with how
fair my relationship is now.7) You can only have a fair relationship if the other
person changes.8) Insight just excuses bad behavior.
1) If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically.
2) Love conquers all.3) What’s fair is intuitively obvious.4) It isn’t fair for me to put my needs ahead of someone
I love.5) Since I am a good person, my take on things is usually
fair.6) The past is the past and has nothing to do with how
fair my relationship is now.7) You can only have a fair relationship if the other
person changes.8) Insight just excuses bad behavior.
Defining the New FairnessDefining the New Fairness
A working definition: Four Key Elements:
ReciprocityAcknowledgmentClaimsTrust
A working definition: Four Key Elements:
ReciprocityAcknowledgmentClaimsTrust
The SeeSaw of ReciprocityThe SeeSaw of Reciprocity
Balancing Give-and-TakeBalancing Give-and-Take
Errors in Give and Take You can give too much.You can take too much.
Errors in Give and Take You can give too much.You can take too much.
Relating from the Well of Trust
The Four Basic Violations of Fairness
The Four Basic Violations of Fairness
Loyalty Conflicts “Stupid” Fights Growing PainsEnduring Injustice
Loyalty Conflicts “Stupid” Fights Growing PainsEnduring Injustice
Loyalty is a PaybackLoyalty is a Payback
Loyalty: The Ties that Bond and Bind
Loyalty: The Ties that Bond and Bind
And marriage makes three: loyalty systems Two tribes Marital Loyalty: Choosing Between
Parents and SpouseNew Spouse and Children
You owe something to everyone…including yourself
And marriage makes three: loyalty systems Two tribes Marital Loyalty: Choosing Between
Parents and SpouseNew Spouse and Children
You owe something to everyone…including yourself
“Stupid Fights”“Stupid Fights”
You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve asked you not to, over and over again.asked you not to, over and over again.
You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up.You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up. You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s
without asking me.without asking me. I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t
ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in.ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in. You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up. Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like
Rambo.Rambo.
You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve asked you not to, over and over again.asked you not to, over and over again.
You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up.You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up. You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s
without asking me.without asking me. I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t
ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in.ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in. You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up. Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like
Rambo.Rambo.
Money, Children, Chores and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the
Growing Pains of Love
Money, Children, Chores and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the
Growing Pains of Love Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of FairnessThe Chore Wars: Who Does More?Money: Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides?
Money: Separate, Equal and Unhappy Jealously…Choose ME!
Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of FairnessThe Chore Wars: Who Does More?Money: Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides?
Money: Separate, Equal and Unhappy Jealously…Choose ME!
The Baggage You Bring to Relationships
The Baggage You Bring to Relationships
“Everybody’s got baggage…but my husband was not a neat packer.” Ellie, married sixteen years, divorced five.
“You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I wore diapers too. What’s it got to do with today?” (John, eight years, second marriage)
“Everybody’s got baggage…but my husband was not a neat packer.” Ellie, married sixteen years, divorced five.
“You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I wore diapers too. What’s it got to do with today?” (John, eight years, second marriage)
Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness 1. Protection and preservation of the primary relationships
with your mother, father, siblings and extended family2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and child4. Being valued5. Negotiation of fairness issues 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust
Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness 1. Protection and preservation of the primary relationships
with your mother, father, siblings and extended family2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and child4. Being valued5. Negotiation of fairness issues 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust
Benefits of RepairBenefits of Repair
Increased ability to take personal responsibilityIncreased empowerment and self-advocacyInterrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness cycle Use of voice over exit
Increased ability to take personal responsibilityIncreased empowerment and self-advocacyInterrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness cycle Use of voice over exit
The Relationship Survival KitThe Relationship Survival Kit
Recognizing the Injustice DoneAcknowledging the Harmful
ConsequencesMaking a Claim to Restore
FairnessReplenishing Trust
Recognizing the Injustice DoneAcknowledging the Harmful
ConsequencesMaking a Claim to Restore
FairnessReplenishing Trust
Enduring Injustice: To the Brink and Back to FairnessEnduring Injustice: To the Brink and Back to FairnessScenes from the minefieldsThe Paradox of Enduring InjusticeA New Model of Fairness Emerges
Scenes from the minefieldsThe Paradox of Enduring InjusticeA New Model of Fairness Emerges
Your Fairness ToolboxYour Fairness Toolbox
You can learn to be fairLet go of a one-sided perspectivePractice what you’ve learnedImprove the relationship skills you
learned in childhoodRisk being vulnerable againRepair is a two-way street
You can learn to be fairLet go of a one-sided perspectivePractice what you’ve learnedImprove the relationship skills you
learned in childhoodRisk being vulnerable againRepair is a two-way street
ReferencesReferences BIBLIOGRAPHY
Amato, P. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. Cited by Sue Shellenbarger, WSJ Online, Work and Family, July 13, 2006.
Aron, A.,Fischer, H., Mashek, D.,Strong, G.,Li, Haifang, Brown, L.L. 迭 eward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94: 327—337. First published May 31, 2005. See Carey, B.
Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Between give & take. NY: Brunner/Mazel: 1986. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Trust-based therapy: A contextual approach. American Journal of Psychiatry, 137, 767—775: 1980. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Spark, G. Invisible loyalties: Reciprocity in intergenerational family therapy. NY: Harper & Row, 1973. Cosomides, L. & Tooby, J. Knowing thyself: The evolutionary psychology of moral reasonsing and moral sentiments. Business, Science, and Ethics, 91-127, 2002. Cotroneo, M. (Winter 1987) Women and Abuse in the Context of the Family. In Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family. Vol. 3. Eaker,E, Sullivan,L, Kelly-Hayes,M. D’Agostino, R. Benjamin, E. Marital Status,Marital Strain, and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease or Total Mortality: The Framingham Offspring
Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, July18, August, 69: 509-513, 2007. Fruzzetti, A. E. The High Conflict Couple. A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation. CA: New Harbinger Publications: 2006. Gottman, J. Clinical manual for marital therapy. The Gottman Institute, 2005. Graham, S. ScientificAmerican.com. Chimps sense of justice found similar to humans. January 26, 2005. From Sarah Brosnan & Fran deWaal, Feb.7, 2005, Proceedings of the Royal
Society B: Biological Sciences. Haidt, J. The happiness hypothesis. NY: Basic Books: 2006. Hibbs, B. Janet. The context of growth: Relational ethics between parents and children. In L. Combrinck-Graham (Ed.), Family contexts: Perspectives on treatment. NY: Guilford
Publications, Inc.: 1989. Hochschild, A. & Machung, A. The second shift. NY: Penguin: 1989. Krasner, B., and Joyce, A. Truth, trust, and relationships: Healing interventions in contextual therapy. NY: Brunner/Mazel, 1995, p. 18. Parker-Pope, T.: Well: Marital Spats, taken to heart. The New York Times, October, 2, 2007, F1. Perel, E. Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. NYC: Harper Collins, 2006. Pinker, S. (2008). The moral instinct: Evolution has endowed us with ethical impulses. Do we know what to do with them? The New York Times Magazine, January 13, 2008.
Section 6, p.32. Rosen, I. Payback time: Why revenge tastes so sweet. Cited by Carey, B. The New York Times, p.F1 and F6., July 27,2004. Shellenbarger, S. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. WSJ, Work and Family, July 13, 2006, F1. Spring, J. with M Spring. After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY: Perennial: 1996. Thompson, L. Contextual and relational morality: Intergenerational responsibility in late life. In J.A. Mancini (Ed.). Aging parents and adult children. MA: Lexington Books: 1989. Zaslow, J. ‘It’s All Your Fault’: Why Americans Can’t Stop Playing The Blame Game. The Wall Street Journal, September 14, 2006. Personal Section: Moving On, F1.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Amato, P. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. Cited by Sue Shellenbarger, WSJ Online, Work and Family, July 13, 2006.
Aron, A.,Fischer, H., Mashek, D.,Strong, G.,Li, Haifang, Brown, L.L. 迭 eward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94: 327—337. First published May 31, 2005. See Carey, B.
Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Between give & take. NY: Brunner/Mazel: 1986. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Trust-based therapy: A contextual approach. American Journal of Psychiatry, 137, 767—775: 1980. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Spark, G. Invisible loyalties: Reciprocity in intergenerational family therapy. NY: Harper & Row, 1973. Cosomides, L. & Tooby, J. Knowing thyself: The evolutionary psychology of moral reasonsing and moral sentiments. Business, Science, and Ethics, 91-127, 2002. Cotroneo, M. (Winter 1987) Women and Abuse in the Context of the Family. In Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family. Vol. 3. Eaker,E, Sullivan,L, Kelly-Hayes,M. D’Agostino, R. Benjamin, E. Marital Status,Marital Strain, and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease or Total Mortality: The Framingham Offspring
Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, July18, August, 69: 509-513, 2007. Fruzzetti, A. E. The High Conflict Couple. A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation. CA: New Harbinger Publications: 2006. Gottman, J. Clinical manual for marital therapy. The Gottman Institute, 2005. Graham, S. ScientificAmerican.com. Chimps sense of justice found similar to humans. January 26, 2005. From Sarah Brosnan & Fran deWaal, Feb.7, 2005, Proceedings of the Royal
Society B: Biological Sciences. Haidt, J. The happiness hypothesis. NY: Basic Books: 2006. Hibbs, B. Janet. The context of growth: Relational ethics between parents and children. In L. Combrinck-Graham (Ed.), Family contexts: Perspectives on treatment. NY: Guilford
Publications, Inc.: 1989. Hochschild, A. & Machung, A. The second shift. NY: Penguin: 1989. Krasner, B., and Joyce, A. Truth, trust, and relationships: Healing interventions in contextual therapy. NY: Brunner/Mazel, 1995, p. 18. Parker-Pope, T.: Well: Marital Spats, taken to heart. The New York Times, October, 2, 2007, F1. Perel, E. Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. NYC: Harper Collins, 2006. Pinker, S. (2008). The moral instinct: Evolution has endowed us with ethical impulses. Do we know what to do with them? The New York Times Magazine, January 13, 2008.
Section 6, p.32. Rosen, I. Payback time: Why revenge tastes so sweet. Cited by Carey, B. The New York Times, p.F1 and F6., July 27,2004. Shellenbarger, S. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. WSJ, Work and Family, July 13, 2006, F1. Spring, J. with M Spring. After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY: Perennial: 1996. Thompson, L. Contextual and relational morality: Intergenerational responsibility in late life. In J.A. Mancini (Ed.). Aging parents and adult children. MA: Lexington Books: 1989. Zaslow, J. ‘It’s All Your Fault’: Why Americans Can’t Stop Playing The Blame Game. The Wall Street Journal, September 14, 2006. Personal Section: Moving On, F1.