2 the Wacquette April 01, 2011

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the Racquette

Da BossJason KoumourdasBirthday StealerBenjamin HouckMr. Shiny HeadPatrick HarrisBig KahunaDr. RichardsonStill BaldPatrick HarrisWhat? This guy again?Jason KoumourdasDidn’t like his original titlePhilip “J. Fry” SteverASTRONAUTJaclyn GalloHis girlfriend has all the artistic talentBryan MeyerAuthor of The Red ZoneMatt MeanyAPRIL 7 IS HER BIRTHDAY!Amanda StockwellForced to sit through SGA meetingsEmily BeattyThe New GuyMorgan OwenThe Web EmperorRenee KrusperDelivers the paperAndrew DolginGuards the paperAndrew DolginTypical babeRachel SanzoTypical babeShawon RodgerThe Peter Parker Committee Lia PreussLeanne BojeMark StevensScribesAlissa CarlsonMonique AyubMichele DrakeGrammar NazisKaree MageeMarissa RichardsonWriting slaveKaree MageeAddress9039 Barrington DriveSUNY PotsdamPotsdam, NY 13676E-mailracquett@potsdam.edu

The office of the Racquette is lo-cated somewhere in the State of New York. Please save us. Please. Also, make sure you wish Amanda Stockwell a happy birthday this

week!

Deadline for all normal sub-missions is 8 p.m. the Mon-day before the next issue of The Racquette. Submissions may be e-mailed to rac-quett@potsdam.edu.

If you’re interested in joining The Racquette staff, send an email to the same address. We would love to have you as part of our paper!

The outer four pages of this paper are a joke. It’s April Fool’s Day. Don’t blame us for our sense of humor. We know it isn’t very good, but we’re exploiting our power to make ourselves laugh. Enjoy yourself.

Racquette editor f il ls spacePatrick Harris

Free Assocation Editor

I like popcorn. I’m a pretty big fan of it. I enjoy it with butter, of course, because that’s the way it should be. Hot air popped is the best, but that Crazy Stir thing is pretty awesome too, and you flip it over and it’s the bowl and boom! Shoot.

Ah, Socrates. You should hear the way Jason pronounces that. Seriously. It’s all … Greek, and stuff. You know how he does. I mean, it makes sense; he’s fluent and Socrates lived in Greece. But as an American I get a kick out of hearing stuff pronounced properly because I get to pretend it’s wrong. You know. Whatever.

I’ve never had this much trouble free-asso-ciating before. I guess the knowledge that it’s going into circulation is kind of awkward. I feel like you’re judging me. I mean, I guess that’s fair. That’s kind of the point. And it’s not like this is particularly funny. I’m just filling space. Boy, I hope you didn’t think that headline was like a joke, or something, for April Fools Day, because no, I’m just filling space. Of course, it’s kind of an April Fools Day thing, because after all, why else would you be sitting there reading this crap in a newspaper? Craziness.

The funniest part of this, of course, is that Jason is almost certainly going to decide not to bother printing this, and I’m just free associating for no reason. If that’s the case, I don’t even re-ally need to be speaking English. Or any known language, really. I can just kind of make up

words. Kreegah! Bundalo! Your mother!Well I guess that last one isn’t really made

up. Did you know that the first known “your mother” joke was in Shakespeare? I don’t know if that’s true, I just think it might be. Because, you know, he was writing a long time ago, right?

It’s really hard to free associate in a room full of people shouting April Fools Day ideas at each other! I really need to get on it because we need to go to print any second now and y’all are so demanding of our funny content that we don’t have any choice but to dance for you because if we don’t the alumni get upset and if the alumni ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.

Jason refuses to give me any sort of idea how long this should be, so I guess I’ll just keep bab-bling. He’ll probably just cut this all off anyway. Jason! Y u no leave free association alone?!

I could just meme at you. Challenge ac-cepted! Everything went better than expected! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I’m running out of steam. And I didn’t have that much steam to begin with. It’s hard to have steam when you’re listening to editors try to come up with titles for the masthead that don’t involve male genitals. Seriously, sometimes I feel like hanging out in this office is the inspira-tion for the dialogue in Bulletstorm.

Jason still won’t let me stop! I just have to keep writing for your amusement, like some kind of monkey chained to a typewriter. IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE Ssssssssssssssss

Actually, it’s a funny story. Someone decided

to test the infinite monkeys theory and they put a computer keyboard in a cage with a bunch of monkeys for a few months. Apparently the monkeys mostly like the letter “S.” Hence the end of the paragraph above. Which probably wasn’t funny to anyone, anywhere, because no-body would ever get that joke on their own, and it’s not like it’s funny now that I’ve explained it. Alas.

It’s like my favorite metaphor joke. I’ve been in rhetorical criticism classes where we dis-cussed metaphor criticism and linguistics classes where we discussed metaphor and nobody ever gives me the setup I want, so I’m going to give it to you:

Q: What’s a metaphor?A: It’s for cleaning your henway.Q: Ha, ha, that’s … wait, what’s a henway?A: Oh, about five pounds.GET IT?! Genius. I actually stole that joke

from a pompous ass years upon years ago. He wrote a comic that was about an albino and a polar bear in a snowstorm. He couldn’t draw, you see? Good stuff.

Jason has given me permission to stop now. But I don’t know if I want to. I guess I’m bored and can keep writing a bit if I want. Jason’s try-ing to find Trollface to go with this, but there’s copyright issues? I don’t know if there’s any sort of copyright on Trollface. I mean, it’s kind of a weird situation. Oh, those Internets, with their tubes in series. Good stuff. Anyway, I guess I’m about done then.

And when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

SUNY Potsdam to host student-faculty relationship panel

Phil SteverSpent weeks on this... seriously

Sunday, April 3, SUNY Potsdam will host a panel to endorse student-faculty relationships. SGA has been trying to push this panel for years, but the Wilderness Education department has consistently denying them endorsement. The panel will feature the various “underground” re-lationships here at Potsdam in a risky move to inspire sympathy from the campus. Tenure and grade point averages are at risk here, but the re-alization of love is worth a few glares from the conservative segment of Potsdam state.

Protests have been arranged by upset students who most likely are afraid of being denied sexu-ally by another segment of the population. Chip Diddles, well known for his “liberal rag” graffiti on this fine periodical, is leading the demonstra-tion. “It is infuriating that this school is allowing

this,” said Diddles. “Why don’t we host a furry endorsement panel next door? That is something I could get behind!”

The agenda of the panel is tentative at the moment. Currently the panel opens with those involved in faculty-student relationships yell-ing, “I love this woman/dude/associate profes-sor,” among other things. A PowerPoint will be presented following the love declarations. It will display various graphs comparing student-facul-ty relationships and course grades in the hope of disproving the stigma that GPAs improve if one engages in a student-faculty relationship. In fact, the graphs show that GPAs actually decrease, implying academic performance matches, um, extra-curricular performance.

“F*cking finally,” said Dr. Derk Largehuge. “Not that I’m actually seeing anyone, but I’m sick of my peers bragging about their ‘super’ stu-dents.” Dr. Simian Schwimwomly was less than

amused. “I’m all for dispelling taboos, but most of the fun is the forbidden thrill,” said Schwim-womly. “Would you really want all of your bros knowing your girlfriend only like-likes you be-cause you saved them from taking Spanish?”

SGA is cautiously moving forward with the event. They believe everyone will be too creeped out to attend. “That sh*t is weird,” said Gertrude Barnbush. “I don’t know why everyone is so excited; it is going to be awkward, stupid and sad.” The event will be held in MacVicar 120 in the hopes that no one will know where it is and those who have taken class there will avoid it at all costs. There are sure to be tears, laughter and blank stares at the first ever faculty-student relationship panel. It may be easy to discard this event as a veiled attempt to recruit more students and faculty, but SUNY Potsdam’s unofficial position is that they don’t need the money that badly.

Clarkson invaded by rogue G6’sBen Houck

Lacking in college humor

At 10 a.m. on April 1, artificially intelligent Pontiac G6 vehicles in-vaded Clarkson University. After damaging buildings and injuring many students, the rogue vehicles left with one message, “We coming back like a blizzard on April 16, af-ter we drink that night, you all get-tin’ slizzard.”

An emergency team of Clarkson students was created to decipher the cryptic message. The group called themselves E.D.S.D. (Emer-gency Dudes Saving Dudes) The team had a hard time deciphering the message, mostly because it was in English and not in algebra.

“It’s possible it might snow on April 16, but what does getting’ slizzard mean?” said Clarkson Stu-

dent Kent Fitzpatrick. Other stu-dents were still in shock from the attack.

“I don’t know what came over us,” said a Gretchin Hopwinkle, one of the three female students who go to Clarkson. “When those cars came flying up the hill from the freshman dorms, my two girl-

friends and I all suddenly felt drunk even though we hadn’t had a drop to drink.”

In fear of what was to come on April 16 the team of emergency team looked for weaknesses in the un-manned sport coupe vehicles. However, even the brightest me-chanical engineers could not find

solutions to stop the all spark pow-ered mechanical demons.

Clarkson authorities are trying to contact any past workers of the recently out of business Pontiac Motor Company to find why their sports cars have turned against man kind. However all the remaining General Motors officials were un-able to be contacted because they were on exotic vacations with big pay bonuses funded by the U.S. government.

“We have made emergency plans for April 16,” said a top official at Clarkson. “We advise students to report to the nearest emergency shelter, Maxcy Hall of SUNY Pots-dam, for the evening. Hopefully, as this threat passes, we will be able to sit back and laugh at the threats of these terrible mechanical beings.

Courtesy: IFCAR

Amanda Stockwell

April 01, 2011 the Wacquette 3

www.theracquette.com

The Blotter04/01/2011

12:00 - Brian James Halvey cited for indecent exposure outside of Barrington Student Union.

12:04 - Halvey ran before he could be restrained. Entered vehicle and tried to escape cam-pus. He followed the speed limit.

12:05 - Low-speed chase be-gan

12:05:05 - Chase continued; unsure if authority exists off-campus.

12:05:32 - Remembered watching a movie once that involved chasing a criminal to try and prevent him from cross-

ing the Mexican border. Can’t remember the title of the film. Further investigation required.

12:15 - Halvey’s vehicle broke down, vehicle ap-proached.

12:16 - On approach to ve-hicle, there was a strong scent of marihuana.

12:17 - Halvey stated that marihuana is actually spelt with a “j.” Pretentious correction ignored. He knew what was meant, so there was no need to correct.

12:20 - After three minutes of pointless philisophical conver-sation, it became evident that it

was a trap. Smoke had entered lungs. Halvey had played dirty. Left scene immediately and re-turned to campus, cited self for possible use of marihuana.

12:45 - Conducted self train-ing on Segwey.

13:00 - Self training on Seg-wey complete.

13:05 - Halvey’s vehicle spotted in 15-minute parking spot outside of Barrington Stu-dent Union. Countdown to $15 ticket begins.

13:10 - Felt something on head. Hat removed to investi-gate. Negative contact.

13:16 - A vehicle parked in

the handicap spot. Driver ex-itsed the vehicle and ran into the Barrinton Student Union. Maybe his handicap is that he is unable to move at a walk-ing speed. Wondered how one’s life would be affected by such a handicap.

13:20 - Looked up to find that Halvey’s car had been moved. Tried to pursue, but three cars attempted to fill the open spot at the same time. All three drivers were students from the Long Is-land area. Typical.

16:00 - Two weeks notice handed in. Halvey has won.

Brian James Halvey

Today in Potsdam History

Credit: Morgan OwenIn 1889, Federal Marshals kill Graboid on Potsdam campus.

Red Alert! Potsdam has too many redheads

Jaclyn GalloAstronaut

The SUNY Potsdam student body has been diversified enough, according to the Admissions department. This past semester, in order to reach the quota for red-haired students, Potsdam allowed a larger percent-age of redheads over others. This caused an overflow and Potsdam has capped admis-sions for the next three semesters.

Outraged at this prejudiced harassment, potential transfer Shamus O’Brien-McMur-phy says “if any other group of individuals were told they couldn’t go somewhere or do something in this day in age, there would be a huge hooplah. Discrimination against hair color is the most disgusting of all. People these days.”

There were many attractions to Potsdam for O’Brien-McMurphy, Archeological

Studies major and Women’s Studies minor, including our lack of sunshine as comple-mentary with his fair skin. McDuff’s Bar and Restaurant in Potsdam was also some-thing O’Brien-McMurphy was “really look-ing forward to.”

No stranger to this rejection, Mrs. Molly O’Brien-McMurphy flinches as her husband flails his arms in aggravation. “No matter how long the day, the evening will come,” she says, telling us that this too shall pass.

“If you lie down with dogs, you’ll rise with fleas,” O’Brien-McMurphy snarls, as his fist clenches the flask in his hand. “We’re not all potato-eating, green-wearing, leprechaun-breeding, sheep-herding [plural expletive deleted].”

SUNY Potsdam Admissions representa-tive Eleanor Gigby offered no comment on this.

Crane to open its doors to the criminally insaneTim Simmons

Cartoonist

As students and faculty may know, the Crane building complex was originally designed as a prison and was only converted into a mu-sic school after it was seen to be a more profitable use of space. With recent budget problems, however, it has been decided the complex will now be used for the dual purpose of teaching the art of music and the re-habilitation of the criminally insane. Practice rooms will revert to their original purpose of jail cell and will be outfitted with a toilet and cot, replacing the traditional chair and

piano combination. Students will still be permitted to use the cells for music practice, but they must share it with the inmates and will be held accountable for any escapes. A few students are complaining that this is totally unacceptable and most pro-fessors agree, saying that the pianos could easily double as both beds and toilets.

Inmates are eager for the change in scenery, and plan to use the Cra-nies as a form of prison currency. While the exact exchange rate has not yet been decided, it seems that a relatively low value is being given to flute and vocal majors while per-cussions players are highly prized.

The instruments themselves are also valuable, generally going for the price of about five flutists. Some inmates will specialize in only certain players or instruments; only collecting left-handed trom-bone players, for example. How-ever, most simply want the best col-lection possible. One anonymous inmate was quoted as saying: “It’s great to have a hobby, even in jail. I’m not going to stop trading Cra-nies until I’ve got a full orchestra. It’ll be tough, but I won’t lose sight of my dream.” No Cranies would be heard for comment.

This re-use of the Crane complex is even appealing in other fields.

The Psychology department is ea-ger to see what effects prolonged music exposure has on these crimi-nals, and the English department sees the aspirations of the inmates and the potential suffering of the Cranies as an excellent source of drama and wholeheartedly encour-ages the entire concept of Cranie currency. Some speculate the craze may spread to the student popula-tion at large; in fact, it’s already bringing the departments together. Technology majors are building tracking devices to monitor Cranie (and inmate) location and identify counterfeit Cranies (i.e. non-music majors who play an instrument).

Physics majors are building de-fensive weaponry to contain Cra-nies (and inmates) who attempt to escape the complex. Lastly, the psychologists are going to use their knowledge of maze construction to make the labyrinthine passageways in Crane even more nonsensical and disorienting than they already are, ensuring entrapment.

“It is heartwarming to see our school come together like this,” says one anonymous student. “I can’t wait to see our campus take on this project. With any luck we’ll be doing the same thing with an-other discipline within a few years. Maybe the philosophers.”

Courtesy: Tony Alter, flickr.com/photos/78428166@N00/: