The Withdrawal Factor

8/11/2019 The Withdrawal Factor

1/60

The Withdrawal Factor-

Triggers Which Make MenWithdraw


2/60

To many women, one of worst possible things that a man can do, from arelationship standpoint, is the act of giving them the cold shoulder.

A cold shoulder response from a man, is basically a womans worstnightmare being written straight from a horror story itself, because itbasically appears to shut down ALL of a womans ability to do ANYTHINGabout that reality.

Ultimately, what it means, is that many women find themselves utterly

powerless in the face of a man giving them the cold shoulder, to such anextent that they often times freak out, or break down under the pressureof trying to figure out what is going wrong, with little to NO communicationfrom their man either, about that reality.

It means that the MAIN function which you need to understand your man,the situation, and relationship, is now completely shut down. What functionis that? The function of communication.

It means that you dont know whats going on, and THAT idea alone, isoneof the freakiest things that a woman ever has to encounter when in arelationship, and many women ultimately feel paralyzed and even tortured,therefore when a man starts to shut down any communication, bywithdrawing completely.

What theWithdrawal Factor will therefore teach you, is this:

You will learn the ins and outs of why it is that men withdraw, what to doabout that, and how to therefore prevent it in the future.

Learning this, means that you will no longer feel powerless, paralyzed orcompletely shut off from your man and the situation, anymore, after this.In fact, learning how to utilize the Withdrawal Factorin your favor, can


3/60

actually help you to completely break through any cold shoulder treatmentthat your man may be giving you currently, or may possibly attempt toproject onto you in the future.

So pay very close attention, therefore, to the information which you areabout to learn, because it will be the difference between a man whocommunicates, and is open with you, and a man who completely shutshimself off from you, in your relationship future.

So what exactly is the Withdrawal Factor?

The Withdrawal Factor is basically a guideline into the male mind, that

shows you exactly what is going on, when a man starts to pull away, andthus, also shows you therein what to do about that reality, to quickly bringa man back to you.

The first thing, therefore that you must learn about the reality of menwithdrawing is this:

Rule #1: Men never withdraw for no reason, at all. They alwayshave a justified reason to do this.

So what kinds of reasons could be floating around that make a man feeljustified in pulling away?

Well, although it might seem like there could be a billion reasons for a mansuddenly deciding to give you the cold shoulder, you might be surprised tolearn that there are actually only TWO reasons. Yes, you heard thatcorrectly, there are just two simple reasons why a man withdraws in arelationship. They are as follows:

Withdrawal Reason #1: He is dealing with something INTRA-personal, that does not pertain back to the relationship.

Intra-personal, in this case, means that your man is dealing withsomething INSIDE of himself, hence the term intra-personal, because its


4/60

within himself. It is therefore not a problem that is related to you, and thisvery same problem, has NOTHING to do with your relationship either.What do I mean by that?

Well, imagine for example, that one day you are having stomach cramps.Your throat is sore. You feel groggy, and your head is spinning. You justwant to lay in bed, and get some rest. You can barely even give your manany attention or time at this stage, because you are just so sick and tired.

Should your man, under this circumstance, come in and blame himself forthat reality? Is that something that he caused, personally?

The simple answer, is that no, he didnt cause you to feel sick like that. Its

nothing personal against him, and its nothing that he did personally either,to cause this reality. Thus, this withdrawal reason is a lot like that example.

Sometimes a thing will happen internally or externally to your man,wherein he will want to take some personal time or space, to eithermanage it, solve it, or to heal.

In this instance, it has NOTHING to do with you. You are not at fault for

this, and you have done nothing wrong to cause it. But, due to the natureof how that personal thing affects your man, he still does have to withdrawor take space to handle it.

Now in this instance, a lot of women will want to come in and baby ormother their men, and feel sorry for them. A lot of women therefore, wantto come in and help their men out of the problem, and I will explain whythis only causes a man to withdraw for a second reason, in just a bit, butknow for now that trying to help your man out of a personal problem, in

the way that you feel is right, almost always causes MOREproblems andMOREwithdrawal from your man. This, therefore leads me to my nextpoint:


5/60

Withdrawal Reason #2: Hes dealingwith something EXTRA-personal, that pertains back to the relationship.

What does extra-personal mean exactly? Well, extra-personal refers to a

mans relationship with something outside of himself. So in essence, extra -personal in this case, means YOU. It means that he is dealing withsomething that you are causing.

Now it may sound childish for a man to deal with a potential problem thatyou are causing for him, or in the relationship, by withdrawing, but there isactually a very sound reason why a man would want to withdraw.

You see, a man can either fight something, or he can run away from it. Buthe can never do both.

Thus, there is always an intense choice going on within a man, to choosebetween whether or not he wants to fight that thing. But heres thekicker most men dontwant to fight something.

Fighting something takes emotionally energy, and pulls away from theirstrength, because now they are investing HEAVILY into something thatthey found to be problematic in the first place.

This is why men almost always choose the flight response.

What is the flight response?

Well, there is something known as the fight or flight response. Thisresponse follows a simple model, that suggests that when we are facing

adversity, adrenaline kicks in, to either make us want to stay, and fight it,or to want to run away, and avoid it.

Now I want you to know something very simple, and I want you to learn itrather quickly as well, in all of this. What is that simple thing?


6/60

Its the fact that men will almost ALWAYS take the easy route, when givena choice between something hard, or something easy, in a relationship.

This means that if a man feels like he is having an extra-personal problem,

he will take the easiest route to dealing with that problem.

But here is where things get tricky, because there is a secret about menthat many women dont actually realize or know.

What secret is that?

Its the Emotional Avoidance Secret.

TheEmotional Avoidance Secret is a reality that every single man isstuck in, when it comes to how men handle a womans emotions, especiallyif her emotions are negatively projected.

You see, when it comes to emotions, men are on a whole other playingfield, than women are on.

This is even true, when a man is dealing with his own emotions, and isespecially true when he has to account for the emotions of another person,especially in a relationship.

Emotions to you, as a woman, are typically seen as the good guys. You usethem to share, communicate, and understand the world around you, andyou especially use them when you approach your relationship, to gaugehow you should react, or act therein.

So for example, if you are feeling sad, in your relationship, you will usethat feeling, to gauge how you should react. So you might express to yourman what is making you sad, therefore, and thus you have shared thatemotion, to communicate to your man, something that youd like him tounderstand.


7/60

Thus, as a woman, you feel good, communicating, sharing, andunderstanding through your emotions.

Men, however, DO NOT, feel that way. In fact, if anything, they feel

horrible trying to communicate and understand based on their emotionsalone.

Why is that?

Well, its all in the mental programming of a man. What mentalprogramming is that?

Well men are designed to be creatures of logic. Not only this, but men areactually pegged into this reality from an early age, as they are taught, frombirth not to be TOO emotional.

Now this may offend you, but its the unfortunate reality of society: menare taught that being emotional, means that they are acting in a way thatis unmanly, and thus is more feminine.

Men are told to leave that reality up to women, and to let women have all

the fun therein. They are therefore, told to bottle up their emotions, and tomanage them in a completely different way, than women do.

This does not mean, however, that men arent allowed to feel at all. Menare allowed to feel, but the spectrum of emotions that they are allowed toopenly express is rather limited, and a man must often hold in the BULK ofhis emotions, only revealing slight tidbits of them, one little piece at a time,so as to not appear to be too emotional or irrational.

You see, if a man were to become this huge cry baby, out of nowhere,balling his face off, because something upset him, would people really takehim seriously? People might feel sorry for him, but most people, includingwomen, would think he was pathetic.


8/60

This is why men strategically bottle up their emotions, and only releaselittle tidbits, so as to not lower the level of respect that others may be ableto show them. Men do this, so as to uphold a certain image that they haveof themselves, which makes them feel validated as a man.

Men therefore learn to value respect, on an extremely high scale, so muchso, that they would even choose respect over love, because respect atleast ensures that their integrity is intact, and that they are not being seenas pathetic, emotionally.

Love, however, doesnt 100% guarantee that reality for a man, so he coulddisregard love, therefore, but could never disregard the respect angle.

So why am I saying all of this, and what does all of this have to do with thefact that men withdraw?

Well, it has everything to do with the fact that men withdraw, and itcompletely encompasses the two withdrawal reasons I gave you earlier, tosuch an extent that it actually AFFECTS both of those realities in a HEAVYway.

You see, the Emotional Avoidance Secret actually causes men towithdraw, if and when they feel pressured, emotionally, either internally orexternally.

As noted, men are on a completely different playing field when it comes toemotions. They are taught to not release their emotions heavily. Thismeans that all of the emotions must sit inside, almost like a volcano,building up, and building up, until finally they erupt.

But as you have just learned, men dont erupt like women do. When aman emotionally erupts, do you know what he does?

He withdraws, and turns inward, thus projecting that internally.


9/60

A woman however, would seek companionship, and turns outward,therefore projecting externally.

The best example to describe this phenomenon, is when you feel bad,

because if you feel bad, you most likely want somebody to come hold you,and comfort you, whereas if man feels bad, he wants people to leave himalone, and he doesnt want to be touched even.

Why do men respond like that, instead of seeking comfort externally?

Well it all comes back to what Ive been saying so far. Men simply have alower emotional threshold.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that men ultimately, pull away from anything that they feeltriggered by.

Why do men do that?

Men have to do this, because again, they arent exactly allowed to release

their emotions normally like women can. Men are seen as being weak, ifthey do this, and secondly many men HATE doing this, because they prefera logical approach.

Logic in this case, means that a man doesnt let his emotions dictate theoutcome, or his reaction to something.

So the only thing a man can do then, if something is triggering him

emotionally, is to step away from it.

This is why men often step away from things when they feel emotionallytriggered, in an attempt to remove the ability of the trigger itself, to affectthem.


10/60

Now as I mentioned earlier, there are two triggers that cause men to pullaway, emotionally, and thus physically.

One of those triggers, is when a man is dealing with a personal issue, that

he is trying to resolve. As noted, this is a problem outside of you.

Some examples of such problems include, but are not limited to timeswhen a man:

Is having a work related problem, that is stressing him out, isdemanding a lot of him, or is challenging to solve.

Is having a personal problem, such as trying to work through one ofhis own personality flaws, or thought patterns that he finds is gettingin his way of trying to function.

Is having financial problems, and therefore is trying to work onfiguring out a solution, so that he doesnt always feel taxed with afinancial burden.

Is not feeling good enough as a man, because perhaps he isnt able

to provide everything for his family, or his life that he wants to beable to.

Etc

Basically what these examples of personal withdrawal point to and mean isthis: if there I something that he doesnt have a solution to, the thought ofthat problem will loom in a mans mind, until he figures out a way to evenremotely begin working on solving that problem.

You see men absolutely hate being stuck in a problem, where they eitherfeel, helpless, powerless, or lost. They in the very least, need to feel like atleast SOMETHING is being done about that problem, or as thoughsomething CAN be done to solve the problem.


11/60

But as you know in life, everything is not always clear, and not everyproblem is simply black and white. Sometimes an immediate solution orremedy is difficult to figure out, or find.

This is why men sometimes withdraw or take space, in that moment, fromyou in a relationship. Again, in this has nothing to do with you at thisstage, but its something that you need to know, and be aware of, becauseit does affect you, and involves you none the less.

In these instances, youll notice that a man withdraws without really tellingyou why. There is no real rhyme or reason to it either.

Thats how you can tell when a man is withdrawing for an intra-personalreason. You can tell again, because your man almost always will offer younone of the following:

No verbal discussion occurs as to the fact that this is going tohappen.

No clear communication occurs that even remotely tells you ordirectly explains the fact that he is even struggling intensely

internally. (You basically wont know this, in other words, until heeither pulls away, or tells you AFTER the fact.)

No physical signs appear that suggest he was in fact struggling,except to see him pull away very strongly, out of nowhere.

Hes becomes a lot more inside of his head, than usual.

He begins talking less, and starts giving you one word answers.

He fails to engage in anything you say, and its as if he cannot listento anything you are saying anymore.


12/60

He even struggles to understand what your point is, anymore, andwants you to get to the point more quickly now, even when you aretrying to do that, he still cant seem to grasp the importance of whatyou say now.

He retracts into an intense zone and need for personal space, farmore than usual. If you touch him or go near him, he gets snarky orannoyed.

He becomes irritated easily, and becomes impatient with you, butnever explains why, even if you ask him if its something youve donewrong.

The things which your man used to be OK with, now start to annoyhim.

When you try to get answers, he gets mad at you, and even pushesyou away harder, to the point of even demanding to be left alone,and arguing with you over the smallest of things.

He only engages in one thing at a time now, which means that youare most likely ignored and avoided.

You find him avoiding having to explain to you why it is that he ispulling away, or you find him unable to do that, no matter how hardyou push for an answer.

When you ask him if it is something that you did or said, he cant

seem to clarify, or if he does, he only tells you that its nothing thatyou did, but still fails to tell you what it is then, that is bothering himso much.

You find him struggling to laugh, or exhibit any strongly positiveemotions, no matter how much effort you put into it, and you even


13/60

notice that the things which normally soothed him, he now suddenlyis annoyed with.

So the main theme here, when it comes to a mans intra-personalwithdrawal periods, is that:

A) A man will avoid explaining the behaviour, reasoning, or purpose behindit.

B) A man will grow irrationally irritated, even with the things that normallysoothed, comforted, or helped him.

C) A man will have more and more internal dialogue, and less and lessexternal communication, even when you try to push for answers.

Now, in these moments, the reason why a man withdraws when he isdealing with intra-personal problems, is because, as I noted earlier, hestrying to problem solve. You see, when a man encounters an intra-personalproblem, the idea of that problem will rattle around in his head, and it willdrive him almost mental, as he tries to look for a solution.

Emotional pressure will build up, as he further tries to work through the

problem. The reason, therefore, why a man withdraws in these moments,is because he can ONLY handle one thing at a time at this stage.

This is why he pulls away from you in the relationship, at this point,because he cannot handle this intense internal battle that is going, ANDyour emotional needs, wants, and projections at the same time.

What makes matters worse, is that this behaviour often freaks women out,

so they try to push the guy for answers, or reasoning, as they suddenlyfind him acting extremely strange, and cold. In that moment, however, aman will only feel pushed even more to withdraw further, as he will thenstart to feel an internal push, AND an external push, and the pressure hefeels from all angles, again, causes him to try to take down the trigger.


14/60

In this case, a man cannot take away the internal trigger. The intra-personal problem still has not been resolved. He is TRYING to work on it.He is trying to fix it, and he is trying really hard to get rid of the problem.So thats not something that he can remove right now, pressure wise.

But, what he CAN remove, is the external pressure, that is coming from therelationship, and from you. This is why a guy gets irritated, and turns onyou even, the more you try to help him out of it, or the more you try to gethim to explain whats going on as he withdraws.

What happens in that moment, is that YOU become the trigger, and youbecome a level of pressure that he feels he can at least control or limit. Sohe ultimately limits YOU from being able to reach him on a deeper level sothat he doesnt feel like he has everything piling in on him, emotionally atonce.

Now this is not something that you, as a woman, should take personally.Quite the opposite actually, because it doesnt mean that a man hates you,dislikes you, or doesnt appreciate the fact that you simply just want toknow whats going on.

It just means that your man actually only needs one simple thing from you,that you are either forgetting to give him, dont know you should be givinghim, or need to be giving him.

What simple thing is that?

He needs some room to breathe. He needs some elbow roomso tospeak.

What exactly is elbow room?

Elbow room is a level of personal space, that a man needs, in arelationship, when he is dealing with an intra-personal problem. Elbowroom, means that you give him the room to actually work his way throughthe problem, without encroaching too closely into his personal space, and


15/60

without emotionally invading that very same space, that your man needs inthat moment.

So the solution, and the key here, when your man is experiencing an intra-

personal problem, is to not overwhelm him emotionally, or physically. Youmust therefore, respect the intense boundaries that your man is puttingup, even if they seem extremely unreasonable, and even if he hasntexplained them just yet.

Why must you do this?

Well, again, he can only handle ONE thing at a time at this stage, and theintra-personal problem will always take precedence over EVERY OTHERTHING, in his life, when he is dealing with that thing.

I know it may sound selfish that a man would prioritize an intra-personalproblem above any other problem, or concern he should be dealing with,but to help give you some perspective, I want you to imagine that youhave an extremely bad foot pain going on.

I want you to imagine that this foot pain is so excruciatingly bad, that you

cant even get up and walk, or move. Even just slightly moving your leg,without putting pressure on it, sends spikes of pain throughout your entireleg.

Now imagine that your man starts coming to you, demanding that youmust walk, because he needs you to get up and do something for him.

But you know that if you even just remotely move your leg, that it will hurt

beyond reason, yet your man keeps on pushing you to just get up andstand on it, and walk already.

What do you think is going to happen then?

Are you going to listen to him?


16/60

OR are you going to want to tell him to buzz off, and leave you alone?

Well in that instance, you are probably going to want to tell your man to

buzz off. Why?

Well, the main reason, is because you are having a problem, that you cantimmediately resolve, and hes coming in telling you to fix that, by doing thevery thing that you know would hurt the most in that moment.

Thats the same problem that men have going on, when they are dealingwith an intra-personal problem. Many women want to come in and mothertheir men to death, and smother them, when they realize that a man is

having a personal problem.

They want their men to talk ALL of it out, extensively, and to be openabout it, but that reality to a man, is exactly like asking him to stand on hisfoot, when its only going to hurt more.

In a moment when a man is dealing with an intra-personal problem, talkingabout it and explaining it externally, is a lot like standing on a foot that just

wants to ache more. Now I know this sounds strange, and many womenwould just love for their men to just spit it out, and be open about it, andget it off their chest, but the men who do this, realize rather quickly that itdoesnt solve their problem.

You see, men dont feel good talking about their problems, especially intra-personal problems. This is why they almost exclusively NEVER explain whatis going on to you, never tell you what is wrong, and never even try to hintthat something is wrong either.

This is why a lot of women often start to blame themselves during thismoment, because the man is not communicating that his reason forwithdrawal is actually not her fault, but she has NOTHING to go off of,except his behaviour, so its hard for a woman not to blame herself in thatmoment.


17/60

But let me make something clear for you, right now when it comes to thisreality. Men dont do that, to hurt you, and they definitely dont do that tomake you feel like you should be blaming yourself either.

They do it, to actually avoid feeling worse, and to avoid taking that feelingout on you. They pull away not only for themselves, but for YOUR saketoo. They know that if they start to tell you about what is wrong, that youwill come in, wanting to offer your advice, ideas for solutions, and more

But the thing is, men dont want that from you. I know that sounds rude,but this is why men avoid telling you what is wrong to begin with. Theydont want your solution. They dont want you to come in and solve it forthem.

Why is that?

Well that takes away from their ability to be a man in the first place. Yousee, men feel manly, when they problem solve, and when they fix thingson their own.

They dont feel like a man, when a woman comes in, and tries to fixeverything for him.

This is true, because the base of a mans core, is one that has him leading,providing, and guiding in his lifetime, on a very intense scale. That is thecore makeup of a man. Thus, part of the sub-core makeup is problemsolving, and logical reasoning.

A man has to be able to problem solve, and use logical reasoning to beable to be a leader, and a provider. Thus, its ingrained deeply in a manscore, to actually feel validated when he solves a problem. It makes a manfeel powerful. It makes him feel in control.

It makes him feel like a man, ultimately.


18/60

This is why men get EXTREMELY irritated with a woman, when she startsto come in with the 200 Questions game, wherein she starts asking himtons and tons of questions as to what it could possibly be, or she starts toask tons and tons of questions as to what the solution could be.

A man doesnt want that from his woman. What he wants, instead, is forher to respect his boundaries and his elbow room. He wants her torecognize that this is something he needs to do himself, but he cant do it ifshes breathing down his neck every step of the way, and nagging in hisear, every other moment about it too.

Now I know that this kind of emotionally COLD behaviour drives youmental, as a woman! I know. Men even know this too, but in this moment,a man CANNOT help it.

He is not thinking EMOTIONALLY in this moment, but rather has closed offhis emotional logic, and has turned on his rational logic, to an intensescale. This means that he will brush off any intensely emotional reality, inthis moment, rather rapidly, and very coldly.

It means that he doesnt have the time, patience, or even understanding in

this moment, for anything emotional. This is why men get irritated, or growirritated during this stage, of intra-personal problem solving.

Men grow irritated, again, because they have completely shut down theiremotionally logical brain.

Why do men do that, when they are experiencing an intra-personalproblem?

They do it, because their emotions are already too intense to handle, andagain, because their emotional threshold is extremely low, in the firstplace.

What you could handle emotionally, a man would practically die, internally,trying to deal with. So just remember that, just because you can


19/60

emotionally handle something, and just because you value sharing things,emotionally, it doesnt mean that a man does, at all times, and a manespecially doesnt find that reality useful when he has a personal problemgoing on, internally.

So what happens at this moment, is now you are aware of the fact thatyour man is going through some pretty intense things, that have nothing todo with you or the relationship, and that he needs to resolve on his own,privately.

But that means, that it completely conflicts with, and contradicts witheverything you know, need, and desire as a woman, especially from arelationship standpoint.

What do I mean by that?

Well as I mentioned earlier, as a woman, you understand your world, bycommunicating through your emotions, and even just by communicatinghow you feel in general.

If a man suddenly cuts off communication, it means that you are left in the

dark, as you struggle to figure out what it is that is going wrong, and youultimately might end up blaming yourself as you look for the answer to hissudden coldness.

What this means, is that there will be a conflict, as you try to find balancein your own world, because now your man will have effectively pulled therug right out from underneath you, without any sort of rhyme or reason.

Naturally as a woman, you are going to want to push back on your man, tofind a level of comfort and understanding again.

But what I want you learn however, in this moment, is that you CANNOTdo that. Now I know it will be hard for you not to. It will feel confusing,lonely, and difficult at best, but theres a reason why I am telling you, that


20/60

you cannot push back on your man in this moment, even though you willfeel a strong motivation to want to do that.

Why shouldnt you push back on your man, if he does that to you?

Well, the first reason, is as I noted, because your man can only deal withone thing at a time, and he will ALWAYS chose the internal problem to dealwith, before he chooses an external problem.

So if you push back, he will pull away harder, based on that reason alone.Again, remember that you cannot ask him to stand on a leg, and to runwith a leg, that is already hurting a ton, in the first place.

But theres another reason why you should not push back on your man, aswell. What reason is that?

You see, the MOREyou push back on him, and the LONGERyou pushback on him, the MOREtime it will take for him to solve the probleminternally, and the LONGERit will take, for him to fix that problem.

It ultimately means, that your man will be avoiding you longer that you can

bear. It means that he will be ignoring you, getting irritated with you,refusing to communicate or explain himself, and worse for an evenLONGER period of time.

Obviously, due to how difficult this period is, for the BOTH of you, you aregoing to want to HELP him reduce the amount of time that he needs to bestuck in that kind of a zone in the first place.

The key here, therefore, is to help your man reduce the amount of timethat he actually has to spend, solving an intra-personal problem, so that hecan get back to opening up to you again, sharing with you again, andloving you again the way that you want.


21/60

I cannot stress enough, once again, how important it is to remember thefact that your man will always have an inter-personal problem at the toplevel of his priorities, when one does arise, and that the better you becomeat helping him out during that moment, the faster this very same problem

can go away.

The longer you take to help him, and the more you try to fight him, toexplain himself, give you answers, or change his behaviour the more timehe ultimately has to spend resisting you, instead of actually justconcentrating on fixing the REAL problem, so that he can return toprioritizing the right things again.

Remember as well, that intra-personal problems ARE important to him,even if you dont think they are a big deal, or even if you think theyshouldnt be bothering your man as much as they do, you must NEVER tellyour man, that you think this.

That is basically like disrespecting your man, for that very same ache in hisleg, and is like making fun of him for having a pain in his leg. He didnt askfor that pain. Just remember that. But its there, and it bothers him, and heis trying to fix it. He cant always help the things that bother him, and he

cant always help the intra-personal problems that he ultimately sometimeshas to face.

Sometimes those problems arise because of his core makeup as a man,and he has to stop and deal with them, to feel like a man, or to feel wholeagain. Thus, you must never make fun of that, and must never belittle thatreality. If its important enough for your man to quite literally stop all otherenjoyments in his life, just to deal with it, its deserving of your respect,and should be taken seriously.

Now having said all of this, there are 3 simple things that you must do, inthe moment that your man is having an intra-personal problem. You mustdo these three things again, because you want to help your man OUT of it,and dont want to push him further INTO it.


22/60

Doing this, is the difference between having your man get more and moredistant and irritated with you, as he refuses to explain any of it, and havingyour man instead, take some space only to come back to you with anintense level of appreciation, admiration and love again, after.

So what are those 3 things that you must do, when a man is dealing withan intra-personal problem? There are 3 stages that you must follow, whenyou react to a man in this situation, and they are as follows:

Stage #1: Dont take it personally. This is basically like a peaceoffering. You dont add fuel to an already intense fire by coming in andblaming yourself, or blaming him either. You just recognize that this issomething that you didnt cause, nor did he. It just happened, and you

recognize the fact that nobody is directly to blame for this, at this time.

You didnt say or do anything to cause it. In fact, youve been great, butthis thing is outside of you, and he still does need some time to reallymanage it and deal with it. Again, thats nothing against you, he just needsto take that space to deal with it himself, though, to feel justified as a man.

This means that you do not start asking him, if it was something you said,or did, that caused him to withdraw. This means, instead, that you simpleaccept that its really got nothing to do with you, and therefore detachfrom any idea that it might somehow be your fault.

The problem with taking it personally, is that you either end up blamingyourself, or you blame your man. ALL blame must be removed from thepicture if you actually want to help support your man during the timeswhen he is dealing with an intra-personal problem.

The last thing that your man wants in this moment, is for you to startblaming yourself, and for him to have another emotional burden on hisplate. He also doesnt need you to come in and blame him for doingsomething that he felt he had to do, to fix something that was eating himup inside.


23/60

No man wants to be blamed for being a man, or behaving like a man, nordo they want to have to face a firestorm of guilt, when they are alreadyemotionally taxed.

Thus, its extremely important not to take it personally, and to emotionallywithdraw from the idea that you or your man have done something wrong,or that somebody should be at fault for something.

Again the behaviour your man is exhibiting in this moment is not designedto make you feel guilty, and it is not actually designed to punish you. Itfeels that way, but the behaviour is there to help your man quicklyconcentrate on the root problem, so that he can resolve it, and solve it asfast as possible

The behaviour therefore, is there, to cause good to come out of the bad.Remember that its not a bad thing, in this case then, so that you dontcause unnecessary blame.

Stage #2: Give your man his elbow room. This means that you mustback away, emotionally, and physically.


I mean that you quite literally take space, and give him room. You don tcome to your man in this moment, with any needs, requests, or desires,from your end. You actually back away, and withdraw as well, but you onlywithdraw from projecting any of your personal needs onto him at this time.

Again, he can only handle, manage, and problem solve ONE thing in thismoment, because he has tuned up his logical side. His logical side, when itis tuned up, has no patience or ability to handle emotional reasoning inthat moment, so he really is helpless, and cannot help you in that momentto give you what you want on a personal level.


24/60

Dont think that he doesnt want to do that, again, as you know with step#1. You shouldnt take this personally. Its not that he doesnt want to doit, its just that he cannot.

Again, remember that you dont want to come in, asking him to stand on aleg that he just cant even barely move in the first place. Dont come inasking him to walk on it, and run on it, or carry you on his back either,using that same leg. He just cant.

It doesnt matter how badly he could want to in that moment either,because until or unless his intra-personal problem is resolved, he wont beable to move, for you, like you need him to.

So the key here, in this step is to take it easy on him, and to try to managesome of your needs, personally, on your own during this timeframe. Tomake it easier to handle and manage, motivate yourself to do this, byreminding yourself from time to time that your man is doing his best, butthat he needs some time to solve his problem, before he can come backand help you again.

Remind yourself, as well, that this isnt personal, and that normally he does

try to help you with your problems.

I know that sometimes when a man withdraws, a woman can ultimatelyend up feeling so hurt by that behaviour alone, that the result is she feelsextremely needy after this. To help curb a potential bout of neediness,when you find your man pulling away for an intra-personal reason, youmust remember to remind yourself, and to motivate yourself NOT toproject that neediness onto your man.

He will be more than happy to deal with your needs, after he has finishedresolving his internal conflict, but until that moment, again he is renderedincapable, so back away, give him his elbow room.

Doing this shows your man that you can offer him a level of respect, whenhis is the most vulnerable, and when he needs it the most. That respect is


25/60

shown in your emotional maturity, as you give him a reasonable amount ofspace to actually work on his problems, and he will feel extremelyappreciative of this reality.

A lot of women, unfortunately, dont actually do this step, and avoid it. Asnoted, many women will feel a very strong and intense pull, when a manwithdraws for an intra-personal reason, and they will, as a result, beginpushing back hard, to prevent him from leaving them.

That kind of behaviour makes a man feel completely misunderstood, andall alone, when he actually just needs you to understand that he just needssome time, and some elbow room. He needs you to understand and getthat its not your fault either.

He simply needs you to respect the fact that he has personal problems too,and that sometimes he needs the room to handle them and deal withthem, and that this is something he must do as a man, to find purpose,and feel value therein.

Respecting this reality, ultimately, helps a man to feel extremely connectedto you, and it also helps a man to see you as a high quality woman,

because not many women are actually capable of stepping back, whenthey feel a man pulling away.

But remember, pulling away, is not the same thing, as SLIPPING away.Hes not leaving YOU, hes just leaving the immediate external reality, todeal with something internal. Remember that he hasnt gone anywhere,hes still there, and he will come back when you finally give him the roomto do that.

Stage #3: Offer him comfort, in knowing that you are still there to

support him, should he actually need external help.As woman, whocares for your man, you are going to want to come in, swoop in, andmother your man, in the moments when you find out, notice, or realizethat hes dealing with an internal problem.


26/60

You will feel bad for him. You will want to comfort him. You will want tohelp him out of it. All kinds of nurturing ideas and feelings will floodthrough your veins.

You are going to have to mostly ignore that reality, unfortunately, when aman is dealing with an intra-personal problem.

Why is that?

Well, again, your man needs you to respect the fact that he must resolvethis internal conflict, and deal with it on his own.

Again, thats nothing against you, and yourproblem solving abilities, but aman feels like you are emasculating him, when you come in, trying to doeverything for him, on his behalf.

He needs to feel like he is adequate, and like he can bring value. He needsto feel like he is capable, like he is useful, and like he has power, as a man.

Thats what makes him a man in the first place, is all of those feelingsbeing validated. Its when those feelings are validated, that a man can feelas if he truly is a real man in the first place. Its not just about himphysically being a man, therefore, but is also about him internally feelinglike a man.

Thats why its important again, to respect his need and ability to problemsolve, and to not step on his toes as he tries to do that.

This means that even though you want to come in and smother him,mother him, and comfort him to death, as you try to lovingly help him in anurturing way, that you should AVOID doing this, until after.

You can reward him all you want, like, and desire to your hearts content,once your man has resolved his intra-personal problem, but he will find it


27/60

extremely annoying, and actually distracting, and even rude, if you try todo this, while he is in the middle of trying to resolve an internal conflict.

Again, help him validate his male ego, the right way, when he is vulnerable

like this, by giving him the room, and respect, to resolve the problem onhis own.

The reason you must do this, is because otherwise it feels like you aretrying to FORCE your helping hand on him. Again, you never asked him ifhe wanted it. You never even offered it.

You just came in, like a bull in a china shop, and plowed your way into his

problem, without even first considering what it was that he actuallywanted.

Thats just like a mother who keeps on pushing food on her kids, evenafter they have eaten a second helping, and are clearly full. But the motheris sitting there, still saying no, please have more! I dont want you to feelhungry later!.

Meanwhile the kids are growing agitated, as they realize that their mother

doesnt get that they actually were full to begin with, and they realize thatshe just doesnt care either way. She just wants to feelvalidated herself, inbeing a mother but at the expense of her kids emotions, and feelings.

So you dont want to be like that. You dont want to be the mom in yourrelationship with a man. He doesnt want a mother. He already has one.

Your job, therefore, is to not come in, trying to force feed your man, your

help, comfort, and support. He knows it is there already. He knows you arecapable. In withdrawing, he is not trying to cause you to doubt your abilityto do that either, but is just asking for you to respect his ability to do thatfor himself, instead.


28/60

Now this doesnt mean that you cannot OFFER a helping hand, or support.It just means that you cannot force it, and cannot dump that nurturinglevel of concern on your man.

You must only ever OFFER it at this stage, and must let your man knowthat its there, but must not try to force it upon him.

So how do you show your man, that you want to offer him a level ofsupport, comfort, and even help, should he desire it?

You REMIND him, that its available, and leave it at that.

How do you remind a man that your help, support, and comfort areavailable?

You simply state this:

I just want you to know, that I am here if you need me. I am justgoing to give you some space right now, to let you work througheverything, but know that I am here none the less.

You see, you must actually CLEARLY indicate to your man, WHY it is thatyou are taking space. In stage 2, I told you that you must give him someelbow room, but the finalization of all the steps, is where you actuallyverbally communicate to your man, WHY it is that you are going to do that.

Verbally communicating this to your man, lets him know the following:

A) That you respect this boundaries and needs, and understand him.

B) That you are not punishing him with the space, but rather are trying tohelp him, thus he doesnt have to feel like you are just mad at him, butrather will understand that you actually care, and are just concerned.

And


29/60

C) That you are there, should he actually need your input, advice, comfortor more. Its basically a comforting factor, that helps him to feel at easenow, in taking the time to solve his problem, without having to worry about

whether or not you will actually help him do that.

If you do not verbally communicate this to your man, once again, he willNOT get the message that you are actually doing this for HIS benefit. Hewill instead assume that you are only withdrawing for your own benefit.

Remember that men are NOT mind readers. He will not just magically getthe message of why you are withdrawing, if you dont actually let him

know.

You must also be careful, in explaining your reason for withdrawing, sothat you dont blame him for his actions, and so that you also dont go onand on in your explanation.

Make it short and sweet, so that he knows you arent going to emotionallyburden him, and instead gets the message that you simply are giving him arespectful level of elbow room.

Doing this, again is the difference between a man who further becomesirritated with you, and a man who actually appreciates you.

Now, once you have done this, your man will be able to come out of hisproblem solving stage a LOT faster, because you would have effectivelygotten off his back, and would have given him the room to completelyconcentrate on it, so that its effectively resolved.

Its important to note, however, that this doesnt mean that your man willfix every problem within the next 5 minutes, after you have followed the 3stages detailing how to handle a mansintra-personal withdrawal.


30/60

You must be patient after this. What you need to know about this, is thatwhen the problem is resolved, your man will come back to you, and will tellyou what was going on.

It means that you dont actually have to pressurehim for explanations oranswers, because he will actually answer you, once he has resolved theproblem.

I know that it can be annoying to wait for an answer or explanation, butthis is why you must again, learn to not take it personally either. He will bemore than willing to explain everything, after the fact.

Why do men wait until after the fact to explain things?

Well they dont feel comfortable talking about something that they feel isintense, internally, until after they have resolved it. Once they haveresolved it, they become comfortable with the problem, because its nolonger eating away at their core. Talking about it is easy after that, andexplaining what was going on, is easier too, because now they have claritytherein.

Remember that a man closes off his emotionally logical side, duringmoments of problem solving, with intra-personal problems. It means thatthey actually CANNOT talk about how they feel about something, or abouthow that thing is making them feel, in that moment.

They would have effectively suspended their ability to do that, whichexplains why many men fail miserably to respond to a woman, when sheasks him whats going on, or whats wrong.

Thats why they give short, almost one word responses, up until they feelthat the concern is actually resolved.

Now of course, a timeline of WHEN that concern or intra-personal problemis going to be resolved, is another issue. But for that, there is actually no


31/60

clear answer. It can completely depend on the kind of intra-personalproblem that a man is having.

If its a financial issue, for example, it could take quite a while for a man to

resolve the problem, until or unless he feels that the financial concern itselfis at LEAST being managed.

Sometimes, a man will face a problem that does not have an immediateresolve, and in those moments, understand that a man is then looking forat least a way to start managing the problem, in the very least, and untilhe finds some way to manage it first, he cant really explain what is goingon to you.

So a man doesnt always need to have a complete solution, before he cancome to you, and talk about what is going on. Sometimes he just needs tosee that something is at least in the works to solve it, or make itmanageable.

Thats all a man isreally trying to do in his problem solving stage, is hestrying to make it manageable emotionally for himself again. Once he hasdone that, he can more than openly accommodate your need forinformation, details, and more.

So the key here, again, is to just be patient. Sometimes its not animmediate fix, but understand that its not a forever kind of an issueeither. As long as you give him the elbow room, understanding, andacceptance that he needs during that period, he will be able to resolve anyproblem a lot faster.

Again, once it is resolved, HE will come to you and will let you

know what was going on, UNTIL that moment, the ONLY thing that youcan do, is just remind him that you are there, if he needs you, and to thenkeep a respectable level of distance, to prove that you mean what you sayas well.


32/60

That having been said, there is one other kind of withdrawal, which mencreate in a relationship, that you absolutely must know about, because thiskind of withdrawal affects YOU, and actually is caused by you.

I mentioned earlier, that this kind of withdrawal is called EXTRA-personalwithdrawal.

Extra-personal withdrawal refers to something that is happening OUTSIDEof your man, in the relationship.

This means, that its either something that is going on within therelationship dynamics itself, or, its something that you are doing, that is

causing him to withdraw.

This kind of withdrawal is extremely deadly, because almost every singlewoman, when faced with this form of withdrawal, does the WRONG thing,and thus, only makes things worse in her relationship.

Unlike intra-personal withdrawal, this kind of withdrawal is NOT the kindthat you should ignore, avoid, or step back from.

In fact, you actually have to do the EXACT opposite in this case. But beforeyou can do anything about this level of withdrawal, you first mustunderstand the causes, and then secondly, what it looks like in motion, torecognize it when it is happening in the first place.

So what causes extra-personal withdrawal from a man, in arelationship?

Well, the ONLY cause of extra-personal withdrawal in a relationship, from amans end, is if and when, you react negatively to something.

What exactly do I mean, therefore, when I say reacting negatively?


33/60

Well, a negative reaction, basically means that you project your emotions,feelings, and thoughts negatively back at your relationship, or your man.

What this means, is that your actions, are inadvertently pushing your manaway.

Now this is NOT to be confused with the idea that YOU as a person, arecausing this. I will explain in just a bit what I mean by that, but for nowunderstand that there is a difference between you as a person, and youractions.

Your actions are what you do, but they are not who you are. Its thereforeimportant to learn to understand the difference, so that you dont alwaystake things so personally.

But coming back what I was saying about negative reactions, and you,basically what this ultimately means, is this:

If a man is withdrawing from you, it means that something that you aredoing, saying, or conveying to him, from your end of the relationship, is

unacceptable to him. Likewise, this is true if something that you are saying,doing, or are conveying in the relationship itself, is unacceptable to yourman as well.

Basically, it means that some of your actions are unacceptable to a man.Usually, those actions are always negative however, so a man almostNEVER refuses to accept a positive behaviour. A man, almost exclusivelyfinds your behaviour or actions unacceptable, if they are negative.

Now I am going to have to explain what a negative behaviour actually is,because many of the behaviours and actions that women take in arelationship, are actually negative, and the problem is therefore this: mostwomen dont realize that many of their actions in a relationship, areactually negative, and arent truly positive.


34/60

I will of course clarify this, with examples in just a bit, but for now Id liketo first clarify what it means, however, when I say that a man is findingyour actions or behaviour to be unacceptable.

When I say that something that you are doing, is unacceptable to a man, Idont just mean that hes come in out of the blue, and has decided to becompletely stubborn, and to completely refuse to accept you, or yourbehaviour.

NO.

By the time a man has come in and decided that your behaviour or actionsare unacceptable, he has almost ALWAYS tried to reason with you, BEFORE

this point.

This means that a man only ever reaches a level of unacceptability, in arelationship, if and when, that you are doing one, or ALL of the following:

You refuse to listen to reason, because you get defensive when hetries to bring up the behaviour or action that is bothering him.

You fail to understand the message that he is actually trying toconvey, because you twist his words around each time he tries todiscuss it or point it out.

You continue the behaviour, because he keeps on catching you doingit.

You are try to defend the behaviour, because you argue with himevery time he tries to point it out.

Etc

Basically the main theme that a main sees over and over again from yourend, by the time he has reached a level of unacceptability with you, is that


35/60

you basically want to:

A) Defend the behaviour.

B) Argue the behaviour.

And then,

C) Assume that he should understand where you are coming from, insteadtrying to understand where he is coming from.

Ultimately what this equates to, in a mans mind, is that you want to make

everything about YOU. It means that it becomes about how you feel, whatyou want, how you want to act, how you want things to be, and more.

It means that a man starts to feel as if he CANNOT even communicate withyou, and cannot get you to understand his side.

So this is EXACTLY the moment where a man begins to withdraw, but hedoesnt do this immediately. He does this over a period of time, and tailorsthat level of withdrawal depending on your reaction.

The heavier your reaction, and the MORE your reaction resembles theabove points, the MORE strongly your man will pull away, because he willfeel as though trying to discuss anything with you is futile, if you donteven want to listen to him remotely.

So from a mans perspective, on his end, he is actually giving you MANYchances to actually resolve the problem. He even steps back in hopes that

you will figure it out, and come to terms with what he is trying to say, onyour own.

But unfortunately, many women never do that, and most women onlyEVER do that, when a man takes things to the extremes.


36/60


Well most women ONLY ever listen to critical feedback from a man, ontheir behaviour or actions, once he has taken things to the extremes.

Why is that?

Well, thats because women take that feedback so personally, that theydont recognize he is not attacking, insulting, or criticizing them as aperson, but he is instead trying to point out a behaviour that hed like themto change.

So ultimately, this leads to a vicious circle which is exactly as described,where the woman in the situation ends up getting defensive, argues thepoint, and then starts to complain about how her man just doesntunderstand her.

This only fuels another vicious cycle where the man feels like the woman ismaking it all about herself, and where she is completely overshadowing hisconcerns, or his feelings in the relationship, by making it all about herself

time and time again.

It means that the ONLY person who does wrong in the relationship then, isyour man.

Thats not a fair way to play the relationship game, and its not a healthyway to actually conduct your relationship in the first place.

You have to be able, as a woman, to take responsibility for your half of therelationship, which means that you must be able to accept criticalfeedback.

There will be times when something that you are saying, or are doing, isreally affecting your man.


37/60

But heres what you need to TRULY understand about men. They dontconvey their feelings in the same fashion that women do. If something isreally hurting a man, he wont come to you and say Hey, this thing you

are doing is hurting me so much. I am so sad about it. No.

Thats how WOMEN talk to WOMEN. Men, however, when they are feelingbad, as you have learned with the reality of INTRA-personal withdrawal,try to resolve the problem using logic.

This means that they wont come to you and tell you how they are feelingin a way that you expect. They actually will come to you, and will tell youwhat they dont like, rather critically, and they may even tell you what theywant you to do to fix that reality, but they wont really explain too heavilywhat their feelings are surrounding that.

You see, the reason that men dont do this, is because they feel that intelling you that they have a problem with something, that it should beclear, that it is in fact hurting them in the first place.

Again, its not like they just woke up one day, and decided to be mean

toward you, and grumpy, or really critical. No. They hate having to resortto telling you what they dont like about your behaviour, or actions. Theyhate having to come in and tell you that something is wrong.

They hate it, because most of the time when they try, you dontunderstand where they are coming from, and secondly, they hate itbecause they want things to run smoothly, just like you do.

Men dislike causing problems. Thats exactly why they withdraw when they

feel like everything is just too big of a problem. They withdraw, to preventthemselves from being emotionally dragged down by that problem.

This is again, another reason why men withdraw from you in a relationship.They do it when they feel like you are burdening them too much.


38/60

Now earlier, I spoke about something called negative projection. Iexplained that almost always, when a man withdraws, its because you arenegatively projecting something.

I also mentioned, on the same token, an idea that women dont actuallyrealize they are negatively projecting either, and often times think thatwhat they are doing is a good thing.

Id like to now address those two statements, by explaining to you, exactlywhat that looks like, and what it means.

When you negatively project something, it means that you are ultimatelyprojecting negative emotions into the mix.

Now negative emotions, are not exactly what you think they are. Negativeemotions, are any emotion that causes or expresses extreme sorrow,anxiety, or pain.

So those emotions could be anything from sadness, loneliness, anger,feelings of rejection, jealousy etc

But what Id like you to learn about negative projection, is that a GOODemotion can be turned into a negative projection, if that emotion is beinganswered or fulfilled in a negative way.

The best way to explain how this works, however, is through an example.

So lets say, that for example, in the relationship, you need to feeldesirable to your man. You value the idea that your man finds you to bedesirable, and you want him to want you, and need you.

You have a core value, therefore, that sees value in acceptance itself.

Now many women share this same core value, and many women, meanwell in those desires.


39/60

I mean, after all, you just want to feel a little loved, a little appreciated, alittle desirable. How can that be bad?

Its not bad, on its own. You see. Men dont even mind that reality,

because men have similar needs.

But it can become bad, if for example, you start to feel lonely, and thisemotion therefore causes you to start asking your man everyday, if heloves you, and if he really does find you to be attractive?

Next thing he knows, you are calling him a lot, just to seek his company, tothe point where now he feels overwhelmed. Then you start trying to spendevery waking moment with him, as you try to feel more and more loved,

appreciated, and desired.

But over time, you start to actually just look needy.

So here you thought, you were just doing the right thing, and you wereonly trying to have your needs fulfilled, but in your mans eyes, he isfeeling smothered, overwhelmed, and worse.

So that is an example, of how a GOOD intention, or a good emotion, canbecome negatively projected.

In other words, if you have a need, a want, or desire, you must be carefulnot to negatively project that onto your man.

Its those negative projections that force a man to withdraw, because hefeels overwhelmed by the pressure of it all.

Now I mentioned that I would tell you exactly what kinds of negativereactions women have around a man or create in a relationship, that cancause a man to withdraw. Id like you to know now, that negativeprojections are in fact, a negative reaction to something going on.


40/60

You see, when you project something onto your man, or into yourrelationship, whether positive or negative, you only ever do that, as areaction to something that is going on. It could be a reaction to somethingthat is happening inside of you, or it could be a reaction to something that

your man is doing outside of you.

The negative reactions that you have to things that are going on inside ofyou, are the ones that freak a guy out the most, because they almostalways involve heavy but negative emotional projections.

As youve been learning so far however, men have a very low emotionalthreshold, so there is only so much that they can deal with emotionally,ESPECIALLY from an external source, before they feel like they are

overwhelmed.

When a man starts to feel overwhelmed, he will withdraw, to prevent thetrigger from affecting him. In this case, the trigger is you, and yourbehaviour, so a man will pull away, to stop you from making him feeloverwhelmed.

Since I have been mentioning the fact that many women are actually

unaware of the fact that they are reacting negatively, Id like to take outthe time to point out some very common negative reactions andprojections that women have, to an INTERNAL problem.

What this means, is that there are things that go on inside of you, that youreact to, and those things, as noted, almost always are reacted to in anemotional way, which means that if you are reacting to them negatively,you will ALWAYS be pushing your man away.

So what are those things that you react to internally, but project negativelyback to your man, in a relationship?

There are three major things that affect every single woman internally,which are as follows:


41/60

Your insecurities-this is basically a lack of confidence in yourself,in one way or another. Your insecurities, therefore are basically thethings that you are not comfortable in, have doubts about, or areuncertain about within yourself. These involve things that you are not

secure in, as an individual, inside of yourself.

Your self-esteem-this is your level of self-respect, and level ofself-worth. Your self-esteem is basically the value that you awardyourself as an individual.

Your core needs-Your core needs are the things that you value,that improve the quality of your life, when fulfilled. Its basically thethings that you feel you need, to have a good life, outside of your

basic needs.

Now these might seem like small things when they are laid out like this,and they might seem overly simplified, but understand that each of thesethree internal things is rather expansive. Your self-esteem can change whoyou are as a person, as can your core needs, if either should waver ontheir level of fulfillment.

Your core needs, as well can be rather expansive. Likewise with yourinsecurities. They can be expansive as well, because self-doubt anduncertainty can be never-ending.

So these 3 concepts are nothing to think lightly of, because they have thepower to affect every fiber of your being, and they influence every aspectof your life, on a daily basis, including how you react, to your man, andhow you approach your relationship.

This is why its important to be aware of them, because they almost alwaysinfluence a negative emotional reaction.

This might sound strange, but very rarely, do you ever have a negativeemotional reaction, as a result of another person. Almost every single


42/60

person, only ever reacts negatively to something, if they feel that any ofthe 3 components I just listed, were compromised first.

As an example of this, lets say that somebody decided to label you as

something negative. Lets say that this person is a complete stranger.

Maybe they called you stupid. Maybe they called you fat, ugly, poor orworse.

It doesnt really matter what that person called you, however, because theONLY reason it would ever bother you, is if you were not secure orconfident in yourself, in that area to begin with.

If somebody called you dumb for example, and this bothered you, and youfelt the need to react to it, it would only be, because you felt the need toprove that you were not.

But why would you feel the need to prove that you werent, if you believedyou were intelligent to begin with?

You wouldnt need to do that, if you were actually secure about that idea.The only reason you would ever react to something like that, would be ifyou felt that one of your own internal belief systems was compromisedfirst.

It could be one of your core values. It could be something related to yourself-esteem. Or it could be something related to an insecurity.

Either way, if you are reacting to it, in a way where you are trying to provethe other person wrong, or where you are confused as to why the other

person would think that, it means that you seek the other personsvalidation therein.

So its not actually the fact that somebody said something mean, thatbothers you. People can say anything, positive or negative.


43/60

But if you find yourself reacting to that, it means that its not what theperson said, or even did, that is the concern its actually somethingdeeper that is fueling your response.

Again, those 3 things which I mentioned earlier, that affect you internally,are almost always guilty of almost every response you have, but they arealmost exclusively guilty for every negative response that you have.

This is true, no matter if its a stranger, or even somebody you know now,that you are responding to, but it gets even worse, the MORE that youknow somebody.

You see, the closer you get to somebody, the MORE you start to expectthat person to understand, respect, and even acknowledge your 3 internalrealities. You start to expect your man, for example, to begin fulfilling yourcore needs. You expect him to respect your core values as well.

You also expect him to understand and soothe your insecurities.

But you also need him to validate your self-esteem.

The closer you get to somebody, therefore, the more you expect of them,in that reality, because you also reveal more of that reality to them, astime goes on. You therefore, become vulnerable to that person.

This means that the other person starts to learn all of your weaknesses,and they can either protect that reality, or they can use that against you.

Now the same thing goes on, in a mans reality too. As you learn hisweaknesses, you can either use them against him, or you can protect him,because of it, instead.

So why am I saying all of this?


44/60

Well it all ties back into how you react, again, around your man, and in therelationship. Its that reaction that either makes a man stay, or makes aman withdraw.

This is why you have to pay attention, therefore, to the 3 factors that Imentioned, which affect you as a woman internally.

Those 3 factors, are especially relevant in a relationship situation, becausethey can cause you to become a rather extremely needy woman, withoutrealizing it.

They can cause you to project negatively, even without realizing it. Earlier,I gave an example of how, you might want to feel desirable as a woman.

You may want to feel as though you are lovable, are wanted, and aredesired.

This is a very common core need that many women have. But somewomen try to fulfill this need, by negatively projecting it onto their man.

How do they do that?

Well do you remember how earlier I mentioned that women can reactnegatively to the 3 internal factors, and that these factors can fuel anegative reaction?

Well, if you have an intense need to feel loved, wanted, and desired butyou feel like that need is not being met, you might start projectingnegatively onto your man by doing some, or all of the following:

Calling him a lot

Spending excessive amounts of time with him Telling him how much you need him and want to be with him Seeking his approval, and attention any chance you can get Fishing for compliments, to feel further validated Etc


45/60

After a while, this will ultimately make a man start to feel as though youare the most clingy woman on the planet however, as he starts to feel likeyou are extremely desperate for his time, attention, and affection.

So you meant well. You just wanted to be loved, but its your REACTION tothis, that turned out to be negative, and its that REACTION that ultimatelyturns men off, and makes them withdraw.

The key here, therefore, is to pay attention to what your core needs are,and to what you value. Now I realize that you might not even realize whatall of your core needs are, so its importantto actually start to make a list,of the things that you feel you cannot live without, and therefore musthave, to feel like you have quality in your life.

You must therefore start to form a very clear list, that you can lay out, ofthe things that you actually value, and cannot compromise on. You shouldeven try to organize and prioritize this list based on the things that are themost important, and the things that you can have fulfilled later, so that youcan start to see exactly what it is that you need, and want, on a very deeplevel.

You should carry out this same task, over into the remaining 2 factors thatI mentioned earlier, which were your sense of self-esteem, and yourinsecurities. You should also clearly start to lay out what each means toyou, and how it affects you as well.

Its important to do this, so that you can start to recognize when one ofthose factors is being affected in your relationship, or when one of thosefactors is being triggered negatively. Again, its not what is happening toyou, that is the problem, but its rather how you react to something.

This is why you must pay attention to that reaction, and should learn, fromhere on out, to carefully watch your reaction to things, ESPECIALLY in therelationship, because there will be MANY times that you will feel triggeredto react negatively to something.


46/60

Relationships will test you, even on the best of days, which is why you firsthave to solve the problem from the inside out. You do that, again by firstrecognizing what it is that is even going on inside of you, by looking at

what you truly value, how you view yourself, and where your deepestinsecurities lie.

Its important to look at your insecurities as well, because they oftentrigger negative responses in a relationship, because they are sore spots,to begin with. Its important therefore to learn to recognize when you arereacting based on an insecurity too, so that you can start to pay attentionto the TRUE reasons behind your reactions.

Why do you need to do that?

Well, when you start to pay attention to the true reasons behind yourinsecurities, you can actually start to see what it is that you ACTUALLYwant. When you start to see what it is that you ACTUALLY are looking for,you can quickly come in, and can therefore prevent an intense reaction, tocan instead come in and directly deliver your true concern, in therelationship, to your man.

So, its when you are negatively reacting, that your man starts to pullaway. Thus the first step to changing that, is to look at why you arenegatively reacting, and you do that by looking inside of you, to see whatis triggering the reaction, or what need is not being met to make you feellike you have to react.

The second step to fixing this reality, so that your man doesntfeel like hehas to run for the hills from you, comes in how you react to the external

reality, in your relationship.

You see, you can actually mostly control your internal reaction. So youbasically can change how you react to what is going on inside of you. Youdo that by following the reality that I just laid out for you, of paying


47/60

attention to your 3 core factors, and by watching your reactions thereforeto them, when they trigger you.

But there is an external reality, which consists of your mans reaction, to

whatever it is that you are doing or saying. This is an external trigger, thatyou ALSO are going to be reacting to, and responding to.

Its important to note that men pay attention to BOTH your internalreactions that you project onto them, and your external reactions that youproject onto them.

Men have to pay attention to them, because again, you are projecting that

onto your man. Its not exactly like its something he can ignore. If you arehaving an external reaction to an internal insecurity, obviously hes goingto be noticing it, as you project that onto him.

But heres the thing. Men need you to deal with MORE of your 3 internalfactors, than you normally do. A lot of women expect men to come in andresolve their 3 internal factors, but thats actually your job to come in andwork on those things.

A man can only help you, but he cant fix, or DO those things for you.Thats why such projections really annoy a man, because they make himfeel like you are dumping your emotional load on him time and time again.

So that tells a man that you cant handle yourself.

But the reason why you also have to watch how you react to a man, andnot just how you react to yourself, is because your reaction tells a man,

whether or not you can handle him.

This is something which you can influence and control, equally, as well, bycontrolling your reaction to him in the first place. Now I know there will betimes when a man tests you, or when he pushes your buttons, or when aman is really confusing.


48/60

What a man needs in those moments, is not for you to flip out on him, andto freak out either. He needs you to be more patient, more understanding,and he needs you to be CALMER when things arent going your way, or

when things arent going as expected.

You see, if you always react strongly to your man, when things arentworking out in the relationship, it comes across as this, on his end:

You keep on trying to be understood without showing awillingness to understand.

It basically almost seems, from a mans perspective as if you dont want totake responsibility for your side of the deal, and as though you only wantto blame him. This leads me, therefore to my next point, which is what oneof the MAJOR differences between intra-personal and extra-personalwithdrawal actually is.

A lot of women confuse intrapersonal withdrawal, with extra-personalwithdrawal. But there is actually a huge difference between the two,including in how they function.

One of the major differences, of course, as you have learned so far, is thatwith intra-personal withdrawal, nobody is at fault, and more importantly,you have done NOTHING wrong to cause it.

Extra-personal withdrawal, however, is completely fueled by things outsideof your man, which means that now its directly your fault.

There are, however quite a few other stark differences between the twokinds of withdrawal, which once you learn what they are, will help you torecognize when your man is withdrawing for personal reasons, or whenyour man is withdrawing because of you, or because of something you aredoing.


49/60

What differences are those?

Well, when your man is withdrawing because of extra-personal reasons, hewill exhibit the following behaviour:

He will directly blame you for something, verbally, by pointing outyour behaviour, flaws, or actions numerous times, and will tell youexactly what he doesnt like about that.(Whereas with intra-personalwithdrawal he wont even tell you if you did something wrong, infact, he will avoid even explaining anything. With extra-personalwithdrawal, he explains EVERYTHING multiple times, before hewithdraws, however.)

He will lose his patience with you, and with certain things, slowly,over a period of time (Whereas with intra-personal withdrawal, heloses his patience instantaneously).

He ONLY remains annoyed with specific things that you are doing.(Whereas with intra-personal withdrawal a man begins to getannoyed, even with the things that he used to love. So he becomesannoyed with everything, but with extra-personal withdrawal he onlygets annoyed with CERTAIN and very specific things.)

He is outside of his head, which means he is talkative,communicating, and even answers your questions. (Whereas withintra-personal withdrawal he is more inside of himself, and actuallyrefuses to answer your questions.)

He gives long winded explanations or answers. (Whereas with intra-personal withdrawal he gives one word responses, or avoidsanswering altogether.)

You can see him growing agitated and pulling away a lot moreslowly, and over a longer period of time. So there will be physicalsigns of this, such as starting to avoid certain subjects at times,getting mad at you more often, and avoiding speaking to you attimes, he starts to keep secrets or stops explaining himself to you


50/60

etc (Whereas with intra-personal withdrawal, there are no physicalindicators of the withdrawal, it happens rather suddenly, with nophysical warnings.)

He listens to EVERYTHINGyou say rather aggressively, and mayeven twist that back on you, or might use that against you later. Thismeans that he hangs upon EVERY word you say. (Whereas withintra-personal withdrawal he struggles to even remotely pay attentionto or concentrate on what you say, because he is distractedinternally.)

He understands you, but doesnt ACCEPT you in this moment. So hecould get what you are saying, or your reasoning, but he will refuse

to simply accept it. (Whereas with intra-personal withdrawal, heactually fails to find the ability to even remotely understand you, andactually fails to get your point at all, even in simple things.)

When you ask him if its something that you did or said, he eitherdirectly tells you that it was something that you did, or he gets huffy,and throws a disappointed attitude your way, which is anotherindicator that yes, it was something you did. He will be irritated thatyou dont get that you are doing something wrong still, and you will

HEAR this in his reaction, and his tone. (Whereas, with intra-personalwithdrawal, he refuses to tell you if it was something you said, andactually is rather dry about it. You dont hear, an irritated, ordisappointed tone in his reaction or response. If anything, with anintra-personal withdrawal, a man is only irritated that you even askedhim, because you clearly didnt get that it wasnt you.)

Etc

Thus the main theme of all of the points above, when it comes to the signsof extra-personal withdrawal, is that your man MORE than goes out of hisway to aggressively make it clear to you, that it is something you did.

This means that a man never just leaves you, without first attempting toexplain to you, what it is that you did to cause this.


51/60

Now a lot of women sometimes FEEL as if their man left with no warning,out of nowhere, with extra-personal withdrawal, because over a period oftime, their man will slowly start to shut down, and will close himself off

from them, until finally he just completely removes himself from thesituation.

But its important to remember that with this form of withdrawal, a manALWAYS tells you what is wrong, before he leaves. He ALWAYS lets youknow what it was that was annoying him, bothering him, or upsetting him.

Now he might do that through the form of criticizing, arguing, or naggingbut another problem arises here, in that many women dont recognize

when a man is simply just trying to tell her that he wants her to changesomething.

Allow me to explain

In one of the bullet points above, I mentioned that a man will directlyblame you for something, verbally, by pointing out your behaviour, flaws,or actions, when he is withdrawing because of something extra-personal.

What Id like to note about this, is that most women dont actuallyrecognize why a man is doing that, because they see it as an attack.

You think that your man is just being mean. You think that hes telling youall of these rude things, to hurt you. You think that hes just being a jerk.

See, thats the problem, you are taking it personally, in the WRONG way,which means you never actually see the TRUE message that your man istrying to pass onto you.

Do you really think that men LOVE being a jerk, and being mean, ONPURPOSE with the women that they care about?

If you think that, you have to re-evaluate your thoughts, because NO man


52/60

would want to be put in the position to become the bad guy, all the time,around a woman that he actually cares for.

Men, therefore, have an extremely hard time, when it comes to having an

extra-personal problem, because it means that they either:

A) Get pegged as being the ultimate bad guy and jerk.

B) Get blamed for simply trying to voice a concern, or problem they werehaving with their woman, or in the relationship.

And

C) Never actually get heard, understood, or acknowledged properly fortheir concern, because all of their words get twisted around in the wrongway, or get taken the wrong way.

Whats important to learn, about all of this, therefore, is that when a manis attacking you, hes not actually attacking YOU.

What is he attacking, then?

Hes trying to get you to change YOUR ACTIONS.

Hes going after your behaviour. Its the behaviour, and the actions, thathes struggling with.

A lot of women, again, take that criticism, or take his honesty, and turn itinto something extremely personal. But if a guy is telling you that he is hurtby something that you are doing, or that something you are doing annoyshim, he isnt saying that as an attack on you as a person.

Remember that he CHOSE you. He likes you, and maybe he even lovesyou, depending on how long you have known him, but either way, heactually likes you as a person.


53/60

Its just some of the things that you are doing, are frustrating him,confusing him, annoying him, or worse.

This is why its important to learn and accept that a man can only be SO

accepting of your behaviour and actions, before it becomes overbearing.

Men dont want to be treated like piatas, where you whack them over andover, as you try to get the candy out from inside. Eventually hes going tocome back and ask you to stop hitting him upside the head with youremotional stick.

Again, from his perspective, it looks like this:

You are coming at him, blindfolded, with a huge bat in your hand. You areaiming directly at him. You hit him a few times.

He tells you to stop.

You keep going for the candy inside, and hit him some more.

Now hes really going to need you to stop.

But now when he tells you that what you are doing is causing him pain,you come back and complain, and say something like this: Oh, how couldyou say that about me!? I cant believe youd say something like that! I amso hurt!

Meanwhile your man is sitting there thinking this: Youre the one who hitme with the stick lady! What the heck!?.

There is NOTHING more annoying to a man, than when a woman cannotrecognize what it is that he is asking her to be responsible for, and thus,she twists everything back on him, when she should actually be looking ather own actions, instead.


54/60

It basically means that a man will feel like he can NEVER resolve anyconflict that he has with you, or in the relationship, because you neverallow him to directly just say hey, stop hitting me with your bat.

This is EXACTLY what causes extra-personal withdrawal, is the momentwhere a man starts to feel like trying to explain himself is futile, as hiswoman keeps on taking his concerns FAR TOO personally, and thus twiststhem into something they were never meant to be.

Again, if a man is asking you to stop hitting him with your emotional stick,as if he were a piata, its not because he hates you. He just hates whatyou are DOING.

Remember that you can love a person, but you can hate what they aredoing.

Likewise, your man can love you, but he can dislike what you are doing.

This doesnt mean that he thinks YOU are a bad person, it just means thathe needs you to re-evaluate your behaviour, because its hurting him.

Its actually just his way of WARNING you that he cant

Date post:	02-Jun-2018
Category:	Documents
Upload:	faz1990
View:	219 times
Download:	0 times

The Withdrawal Factor

Documents