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By Chase Hart ‟14 Real. Comfortable. News. The Wrangler Special Commentary: Liberation from the Bopp Regime October 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Eleven News in Briefs Roundup Goes Online- Only, Cites Falling Readership Alumni Service Corps Update: “What? We Don‟t Get Paid!?” Ms. Lenox Admits to Genetically Modifying New Puppy Alleged Tech Malfunc- tions for Football DJ Just Remixes Suspender Sales Up 3000% after Back-To- School Dance Mr. Danforth Impeached as Head of Young Dems for Driving a Hummer P.E. Student Disappoint- ed after Realizing He Is Not Going to the Beach Printed on recycled Roundups By Nicholas Lydon ‟14 Ex-Dice Ring Leader Found Smuggling Grapes through Underground Tunnels By Samir Reddy ‟13 After serving two Saturday JUGS without parole, the leader of last year‟s dice ring has struck again. This anonymous outlaw was found smuggling in grapes from Central High School, through the underground tunnels, and into Brophy College Preparatory. The bust shed light on the spillover of grape cartel violence from public schools into Bro- phy. The new dean, Dean Higgins, promised to prevent Brophy students from being in harm‟s way as he began his reign. In the midst of synchronized clapping and standing, Brophy students learned of addition BS 1070* to the Brophy Student Handbook stat- ing, “any reasonable suspicion of grape pos- session warrants a full search,” during orien- tation. “This grape smuggling bust proves that this new policy allows us to keep grape throwers in public schools,” said Higgins. As for the sentence, the criminal will serve detention at Central by scraping squished grapes off of the ground using only his finger- nails. The tunnels will be blocked with un- used textbooks and more teachers will be as- signed duty in order to prevent the tunnels underneath the canal from being crossed. *Brophy Statute 1070 The sophisticated packaging used by the smugglers Debate Over Ping-Pong Table Order Escalates; “That Guy” Hogs Paddle After the 14th deuce of the game, students got restless waiting to play some ping pong, sources close to the AIA report- ed. While the game progressed student were trying to decide who had next game. Johnny Ace ’14 walked into the room carrying his lunch and screamed “I‟ve I got next game.” Needless to say things got a bit too violent. Mr. Bu- chanan, distracted by a senior lunch line full of everyone one except seniors was unable to keep the peace in the SAC. Due to Mr. B’s absence, teachers drew straws to see who would have the honor to keep Brophy‟s best in check. Unfortunately, Sra. Dominguez drew short straw and, after becoming puz- zled as to why to anyone would play such a “juvenile game”, promptly left to go watch Christiano Rolando miss an- other penalty. This left a confused Mr. Bradley to fend for himself as he slowly walked in- to the SAC. The students were gathered around the table as reigning champion Peter L. Obshott ’12 was in a fierce deadlock with freshman Trevor B. Akspin ’15. The clear underdog was Trevor, who was cheered on by fellow underclassmen as he won the game with a “look over there” trick shot. As an epic battle broke out, Mr. Bradley unable to subdue the students as he said, “Children settle down!” Mr. Tom- my Smith watched with horror from behind his OFJ barrier and seeing the opportunity, he walked into the room, grabbed a paddle, and emerged victori- ous. “Dude, I totally had next game.” Opinion: Sophomores, Juniors Too Cool to Attend School Events By Henry Miller ‟12 So far this year, Brophy and Xavier have hosted multiple events for stu- dents to socialize outside of the class- room. The main attendees of all of the Brophy and Xavier events so far this year have come from the Freshman and Senior classes. For some reason, how- ever, it seems as though many mem- bers of the Sophomore and Junior clas- ses have suspiciously been missing. This trend was first witnessed at the Frosh Mixer when Senior Student Council members noticed a general lack of sophomores and juniors attempting to prey on fresh meat. The lack of at- tendance from the classes of 2013 and 2014 was further noticed at the Frosh Retreat as the attendees were mostly from the classes of 2012 and 2015. Many theories as to why the sopho- mores and juniors have not been pre- sent have been posed. One of these the- ories stands out as the most reasona- ble. The juniors and sophomores think they are too cool to attend school events. After some investigative jour- nalism, Wrangler sources confirmed that the theory posed was cor- rect. Facebook wall posts (Creeping courtesy of the new “creeping tool”) have confirmed that juniors and sopho- mores have held multiple “ragers” and “kickbacks” on the nights of these prominent events. When confronted with this evidence one member of the junior class, Jimmy L. Axer ’13 said, “Dude, come on, like I‟m not gonna go to some lame Brophy event when I can be chilling with my bros at a party.” This type of attitude amongst the jun- iors and sophomores seems to be gain- ing prevalence. Student Council seems to have realized this as they have uti- lized some of the techniques that par- ties use to attract guests. Many events have been themed, offered free food, and other benefits known to attract ad- olescent teen males. Only time will tell, however, whether or not the jun- iors and sophomores will remain “too cool for school.” Mr. Bopp, known during his time as Our Glorious Leader, recently stepped down from his Dean of Students throne at the end of last year. He held this powerful position for a mere half decade but left marks on the student body harder to re- move than grapes off the Great Hall floor. Countless seniors continue to expe- rience night terrors, screaming out, “SPARE ME FROM ANOTHER JUG!” According to Fred Frighton ’12, he has constant dreams of having to sign the Jug sheet in front of Bopp’s vicious vice- roys, Ms. Angus and Ms. Corwin. The frequently used words, “That‟s a JUG,” still bring images of a man with a walkie- talkie and a (rightful) distrust of senior shenanigans. As news of his resignation spread, citi- zens looked forward to a new and seem- ingly brighter future. But the question remains, how bright will the future really be? Since the aptly named Deañor Hig- gins gained power, increased crackdowns have become the day to day norm on cam- pus. None shall for- get the swift action taken to eliminate grapes on campus, a move which severely damaged the Arizona grape industry. Likewise, many citi- zens find his bilin- gual J.U.G. adminis- tering to be cruel, especially the French and Mandarin Chi- nese students. “I don‟t know enough Spanish to know what I did wrong,” remarked one French student, Franz Lumiere ’12. “I told him I was sorry in French, but he just thought that I surrendered.” Some students speculate these crack- downs are a direct response to last year‟s May the Fourth in which Bopp’s forces were unable to stop the Light Saber Ri- ots. Perhaps Higgins is simply trying assert his power before similar issues arise. Some day, will Brophy students look back on the reign of Bopp with nos- talgia, fondly remembering the days of relative freedom and happiness? Only time will tell. Higgins watches Bopp’s fall with approval. Photo Illustration by Alec Knappenberger ‟13 More Facts Than a GOP Debate
