Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships

“Theology on Tap” Edition

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

My Website

• www.pccsandiego.com

• pcc = Pastoral Counseling Center

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Slides are available

• www.slideshare.net

• Search on “introduction to intimacy” or “ryan buchmann”

• Movie clips will not be available.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Book Recommendation

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Book Recommendation

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Characteristics of Intimacy

1. Intimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable. Involves the risk of vulnerability,

rejection, disagreement, separation.

2.Intimacy happens when it happens.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Movie ClipThe Incredibles

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Characteristics of Intimacy

1. Intimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable. Involves the risk of vulnerability,

rejection, disagreement, separation.

2.Intimacy happens when it happens.

3. Intimacy is NOT sex, yet sex is a part of being intimate.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Movie ClipSex and Breakfast

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

What is “intimacy?”

“Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation…

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

What is “confrontation?”

• A meeting of persons face to face

• An open conflict of opposing ideas

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

What is “self-confrontation?”

• an event in which one is forced to recognize one's true self and its possible implications and/or consequences.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

What is “intimacy?”

“Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation… …of core aspects of the self… …in the presence of a partner.”

--David Schnarch

Author of Passionate Marriage

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

What is “intimacy?”

Intimacy starts from

within.

Relevant Point:

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Premise for this Talk

• Your job is NOT to somehow get your partner to reveal more about him/herself.

YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate

exchange.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Premise for this Talk

YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate

exchange.What does that imply with respect to:

• Getting a date with someone?• Finding out if someone is into you?• Getting married?

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Question:

Exactly what is it that I should be revealing about

myself to my partner?

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Dimensions of Intimacy

The Four Aspects of the Human Person

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Dimensions of Intimacy

•Emotional•Intellectual•Spiritual•Physical

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Emotional Intimacy

• Entails knowledge of one’s feelings Being able to identify when one is

experiencing an emotion. The ability to label the emotion which

one is experiencing. The ability to know the source of the

emotion.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Media Clip“What Dreams May Come”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Intellectual Intimacy

• Knowing how you think and what you believe to be true. To which beliefs to do you hold rigidly?

To which do you hold flexibly? What drives, inspires, and motivates

your beliefs? What is the source of your beliefs? What experiences did you undergo to

form your beliefs?

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Book RecommendationEve Eschner-Hogan with

Steven Hogan

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Movie Clip

He’s Just Not That into You

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Spiritual Intimacy

• Each person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self.

• The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be. We are most happy when we are authentic.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Natural Drives

• The drive to be one’s authentic self can be called the drive toward the autonomous self .

• Relationship is another primary human drive.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Natural Drives

• People move toward relationship to insure survival of self and to procreate.

• People move toward autonomy to establish one’s individual identity and one’s place in the world.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Delicate Balance

Human beings must delicately balance the drive for relationship with the drive for autonomy.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Delicate Balance

Togetherness urges us toward others for attachment, affiliation, and for approval. Finds expression in

companionship, family, and society itself.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Delicate Balance

Individuality is defining one’s self as separate from others. Individual beliefs,

choices, personal autonomy.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Delicate Balance

Balancing between individuality (autonomy) and togetherness (relationship) creates a constant tension.

Individuality

Relationship

Togetherness

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Delicate Balance

In the early stages of a relationship, the goal is to develop togetherness (e.g. things in common).

Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of the other, to be a part of the group.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

We Become Like Those We Love!

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

It gets dicey!

Once togetherness has been established, we yearn to retain our individuality.

We are propelled to follow our own directives, to be on our own, and to create a unique identity.

This flies in the face of the “rules of togetherness.”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Differentiation

• The ability to maintain your sense of self…

• …when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others…

• …especially as they become increasingly close to you.

--David Schnarch“Passionate Marriage”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Differentiation• For the undifferentiated person,

the need for togetherness resembles a neediness to be loved and accepted (aka “clingy” or “high maintenance”).

• There is a continued need for contact, validation, and consensus from the other.

• This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Differentiation

• The differentiated person does not say “I need my space.” They can stay in the relationship and know who they are.

• Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or you are not in a primary love relationship.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Excuse Me…

Weren’t we talking about Spiritual Intimacy?

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Spiritual Intimacy

• The act of becoming your authentic self while remaining in a relationship is a movement toward authenticity which is directly connected to God’s plan.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Spiritual Intimacy

[Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Mt 18:1-3

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Book Recommendation

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Book Recommendation

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Physical Intimacy

• Easy to do: a smile, a handshake, an embrace, a kiss on the cheek.

• As a couple we hold hands, walk arm in arm, or snuggle.

• Physical intimacy entails connecting with someone through any of the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, or taste.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Problem

People think intimacy can be experienced by

having SEX!

Very BAD!

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Problem

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Physical Intimacy

• When physical intimacy is established too quickly, it begins to stunt the growth of the relationship.

• We begin judge the quality and value of our relationship on the basis of physical intimacy.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

A Better Approach

Intimacy

Sex

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Movie ClipWhen Harry Met Sally

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Consider this…

• Which of the 4 dimensions of intimacy is the easiest to do?

A. Emotional

B. Intellectual

C. Spiritual

D. Physical

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Consider this…

• …So if the physical dimension is gone (i.e. “stopped having sex”), what does that say about the actualization of the other dimensions?

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Cautionary Note!

• Don’t try to force intimacy.

Remember: Intimacy will happen when it happens. Be open to it!

YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.

Show yours first.

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTIPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

Questions?