Thoughtless by T.Z. Carbim

7/27/2019 Thoughtless by T.Z. Carbim

1/44

~ 1 ~


2/44

~ 2 ~

Table of Contents

Poetry

What Shall We Be Called..4

If You Knew...5

To the Grim Reaper.6

What is it for the Future7

Have You?.....................................................................................................................................8

Boogie Man..9

Talking to a 99%er..............................................................................................................................10

Begging11

When Im Grown13

Dark Child..14

RoRo15

The Parent Game.16

Heaven the Hell.17

Questioning Love..18

Playing With Devils Angels..19

Who am I?.......................................................................................................................................20

Hater21

Universal Childhood..22

Beautiful Music.23

Throwing in Blues.24

Lil Piece of Chocolate25

Presenting: EVOL..26

Runaway.27


3/44


4/44

~ 4 ~

What Shall We Be Called

What shall we be called?

We are not niggers

Not all of us are ignorant

We are all human

Not less than


Though my skin is Negro

I am not one

We are not just black

Our skin comes in colors

Only the rainbow knows


We are not colored

That applies to anybody with a tan

We are not African-Americans

That does not hold us

We live all over

And nationality does not control us


Coon, pickananny, spook

That is not us

Pain and shame

Is not our name


5/44

~ 5 ~

If You Knew

If you knew

Who I really am inside

Would you be my friend?

Would you take my side

In a fight

Known as life

That many struggle in

Most people lose

But some work to win

I work to win

But then again

I know I was born to fail

If you knew me

And I knew you

Would we be cool?


6/44

~ 6 ~

To The Grim Reaper

An enemy in most eyes

In the last five

You took more lives

From my family

Than I can count

On one hand

And its hard to understand

But youre really just a victim

Of circumstance


7/44

~ 7 ~

What is it for the future


When the youth dont even know

Who they want to be

And where they want to go


When a man is not a father

His children are going hungry

And he doesnt even bother


When the girls dont even know

That life isnt just about fashion

And having jewelry a flashing

What is for the future

When even the children know we are dying

The parents arent going to hide it

Cuz there aint no use in lying


I have no clue

But I am praying things go well

How about you?


8/44

~ 8 ~

Have You?

Have you ever tasted colors

Blue orange and yellow

Smelt emotions

Like loneliness

Or even mellow

Saw breath breathe

Into words,

They inflate to the point of bursting

But never do

Have you

Heard pictures

Showing beautiful things

And vivid scenes

That blend together

And make you think

Touched air

That was thick

Smooth and silky

Yet rough as sandpaper

That slipped through your fingers

Like water

I didnt think so


9/44

~ 9 ~

Boogie Man

Im not scared of the boogie man

Of sharp teeth

Or piercing eyes

Of monsters under my bed

Or things

That make others cry

No

Im not scared of the boogie man

Why not?

Well why should I?


10/44

~ 10 ~

Talking to a 99%er

-Whatcha doing?

-Im protesting the rich

-Why?

-Cuz they have all the wealth, what about the rest of us? I have a degree and I still cant get a

job.

-Oh. Whats that?

-An application for McDonalds

-Why dont you work there?

-What would I look like working at McDonalds?


11/44

~ 11 ~

Begging

5 a.m. I wake

and already the streets are full

Sneakers pound concrete

And the ball slaps the court across the street

And busy people walk past me hurriedly

I beg and sometimes it reaches

Mostly it falls on deaf ears

A woman walks past with a stroller

Another baby pulling on her shirt

She looks at me in disgust

And pulls her baby closer

Change clangs in my cup

And I only see a penny

Soon the traffic decreases

The suits are all working

And kids are at school

A young man skipping school wanders pass

He stops in front of me and smiles

He sits right beside me

He chats with me awhile

After our talk is finished

He drops a ten in my cup


12/44

~ 12 ~

I stay on the corner for a hour

Before I finally get some food

my first meal in a week

After I finish eating

I head to the library and read

Back to the corner I go

The suits are on their way home

Many are generous today

They give me ones, and drop quarters

Once the day is over

I go back to my box

and wait for tomorrow to begin


13/44

~ 13 ~

When Im Grown

When Im grown

Imma have more money than I can count

Imma live in Harlem

Where jazz and blues used to sound

Imma read Langston Hughes

And

Listen to Tupac and Nas

Ev-er-y-day

In my big ole place

When Im grown

Things will be sweet

No more depression

n poverty

For me

Nope

When Im grown

Everything will be fly

And the place I mentioned above

Will be high

In the New York sky


14/44

~ 14 ~

Dark Child

Po lil black child

Wit coal dark skin

Po lil black child

That wont let

Nobody in

Po lil black child

That cries

Alone at night

Po lil black child

Waiting for her

White knight


15/44

~ 15 ~

RoRo

Mama

Silly and funny

Always there to help me

And always loving

Always believing

Cuz being deceiving aint your style

And Im happy to be your fourth grandchild


16/44

~ 16 ~

The Parent Game

Mystery man behind door number 1

Am I your daughter

And my brother your son

Are you sorry you left

And trying your best?

Mystery man behind the 2nd

door

Are you funny

Or a total bore

Will you help mommy pay the bills

Or sitting round drinking with time to kill

Mystery man behind door number 3

Of you Im quite weary

Confusing and childish

And doubting of yourself

Are you ready to be a father

Or will you need help

Well lets see whats the answer

To our mystery

Its contestant number 3

Whoope!


17/44

~ 17 ~

Heaven the Hell

When the time comes

And Im bowing at the feet of my lord

Will he look at my soul

With disgust and scorn

I wonder if hell accept me

Or will my neglecting

of his word

Place me in the inferno

I wonder

If Heaven accepts sinners like me

Or do we live forever

In misery

I wonder if those baptized in the water

And drunken on liquor

In church on Sunday

And doing wrong on Saturday

Get to paradise

Or do they go to hell

When they die


18/44

~ 18 ~

Questioning Love

I wonder what love is like

For many years Ive heard

Im too young

Too dumb

That I dont understand

And I dont understand

Why does it make people sing?

And jump around like fools?

If you ask me

In my own opinion

Love is for complete fools


19/44

~ 19 ~

Playing With Devils Angels

Chubby brown hands

Meet bony red ones

Childish giggles

Mingle with unholy cackles

A babys grin

Shines on a demons smug smirk

A brown woman comes in and shrieks in fear

How could she let a devils angel come near

Her precious gift, GOD had given her

(What the good Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away)

How could she let it play

With her precious baby


20/44

~ 20 ~

Who Am I?

Who am I?

But some kid

With a pretty smile

And dark skin

Who am I?

But a poet

Musician, philosopher

Writer, dreamer

Who am I?

But another person

Just trying to get by

And when it gets too hard

Trying not to cry

Who am I?

Who am I?

Dont worry about me

Who are you?


21/44

~ 21 ~

Hater

Why you like that?

Saying Im nobody

Why you like that?

Think you the boss of everybody

Why you like that?

Act as if you royalty

Resting on a lavender throne

With a crown on your dome

Why you like that?


22/44

~ 22 ~

Universal Childhoods

I bet theres an African Tribe

With kids just like me

That act stupid and silly

Just like me


23/44

~ 23 ~

Beautiful Music

Hi hats hit

And bass drums kick

Ive never felt as I do

Making beautiful music


24/44

~ 24 ~

Throwing in the Blues

The sax, the bass, the keys

Come together in synchronized harmony

And on the stage

Ole boy plays

The blues

Using his voice

He tells us

The news


25/44

~ 25 ~

A Lil Piece of Chocolate

Life is like chocolate

It begins sweet, smooth, and protected

Slowly our wrapper is shed

And our innocence is exposed to the world

Then,

Slow as molasses,

We are devoured whole

By a world whos only goal

Is to revel in the sweetness of life


26/44

~ 26 ~

Presenting: EVOL

Speak no evil

Itll show itself to you

And whisper in your ear

See no evil

Itll coax you to speak

And tell you jokes

Hear no evil

It will use your voice

And uncover your eyes


27/44

~ 27 ~

Runaway

Im packing a bag

Heading for the road

And Im never coming back

Im sick of school

And teachers that dont really care

Im sick of home

Cuz nobodies ever there

Im running away

With nothing but some cash

And the clothes on my back

Im running away

And never coming back!


28/44

~ 28 ~

The Escape Clause

I wish there was a button I can hit

A big red button

With a skull and crossbones on it

It would pause it all

Maybe even reset a few days

Cuz its hard to carry on some days

Wish I had an escape clause

A get out of jail free card

Wouldnt life be better

If time could just

Pause


29/44

~ 29 ~

Denial

So, what you saying

Nah, you just playing

What, I just saw him yesterday

Man, this aint no subject to play about

Yo, its not funny

Please, stop saying that

No, Im not crying, my eyes are just running

No, he still alive

Why, did he have to die


30/44

~ 30 ~

Square, Loser, Poser

Yo, I aint no square. I just dont think you should swear. Nah, I aint no punk.

Not You

My are

Fault nothing

You but

Flunked. Scum.

Im not a poser. Just because Im not putting knives in toasters. Youre a bum.


31/44

~ 31 ~

Life is Life

The world bows as pain vibrates

The sun goes down as it fills with hate

The world fills with snakes

That come up from lakes

The moon turns red and lies in wait

We bury our dead and we cry for days

In our head we weigh

The pros and cons

Of life and death

The trees sway as life disintegrates

In the last days we burst and deflate

And then we restart like a game

With a fresh, clean, slate

The world bows as pain vibrates

The moon turns red and lies in wait

The trees sway as life disintegrates

But life is life at the end of the day


32/44

~ 32 ~

Dedication to Etta James

(All I Could Do Was Cry)

Your mans getting married

And all you can do is cry

But hes just a man

Nothing to die

Over

To him your just another score

So move on

Plenty men in the world

No reason to cry

Cuz theres more men

Than stars in the sky


33/44

~ 33 ~

Hate, Love

A flourish of hate

A decrease of love

We shoot more guns

And give less hugs

Better off in a place of joy, kisses love

Than a place of hate, violence, thugs

More kids enjoying life

Instead of turning to drugs

And playing with knives

A flourish love

A decrease of hate

Is better then and never equates

More hate

Than love


34/44

~ 34 ~

Building Thoughts

Thoughts build

One on top

Another

Like build blocks

That lean on each other

Cuz a bad base

Leaves them falling

Into the blackness of outer space


35/44

~ 35 ~

Stories


36/44

~ 36 ~

Obsessions

My mother always told me not to play with fire, but she also always told me not to steal

and I was doing both of them. Here I was stuffing box after box of matches into my jacket

pocket. I stopped only when I heard someone coming toward me. I quickly turned to the boxes

of tents directly behind me and pretended to be interested. A man in a suit and tie walked over

and stared at the tents with a clueless look on his face. I chuckled before walking off and out of

the store.

Im not sure where my love of flames came from but playing with and controlling fire

always gives me a rush. Just staring at a flame will make my day. My love of stealing, on the

other hand, is easy to trace. When I was six I took a lone toy car off the shelf at Wal-Mart and

just walked out with it. I realized that I could get whatever I wanted, for free, and all I had to do

was take it.

How those two obsessions led me to this is a long and complicated story. Here I was a

sixteen year old, still chilling in the park setting stuff on fire. I wanted desperately to stop but

the pyromaniac in me was in control and anything I could find was set aflame. An empty crayon

box, a handful of plastic straws and a boatload of paper from the notebooks in my backpack were

sent up in flames. After one box was emptied it was thrown in the fire and another was opened.

The matches lit with a simple flick of my wrist.


37/44

~ 37 ~

Even though I had been in the park watching stuff burn for two hours my appetite for the

orange flames werent fulfilled. I quickly went in search of more things to burn. I felt like a

fiend that needed a fix. In a way, I was, a pyro trying to get my next fire fix.

An evil smile appeared on my face when I wondered upon two shoeboxes just lying near

two huge trees in the front of the park. I licked my lips and my body shook with anticipation at

the thought of lighting up the two boxes. I didnt go to the safe spot in the back of the park where

no one could see me. I was so set on burning the boxes that I just lit them up in front of the tall

trees. I fed pieces of paper to the flames, wanting them to get higher. I threw a fistful of twigs in

the fire and grabbed a broken branch and encouraged the flames. Soon it was close to the height

of the middle of my knees. I laughed manically at it. I had no control of myself and on the inside

I was terrified. I tried to will myself to stomp out the flame but I couldnt.

A saw blue lights in the distance. 5-0! Instead of throwing dirt on the steady growing fire

like I should of, I stared at my creation. I didnt have the heart to destroy it. I had worked so hard

to get it like this and I wasnt going to kill it. I stared defiantly at the cops that were approaching

me. They told me to extinguish the flames but I didnt really hear them. The fire was controlling

me, cutting off all my senses. My whole body felt numb and I barely noticed when the flame

danced at the tail of my shirt. It lapped at it like a puppy a few times before the shirt slowly

started to catch.

In the distance I heard the cops yelling something. More flames tickled me. My jeans

caught and the intense heat on my legs and belly finally bought me to my senses. I screamed at

the top of my lungs. I didnt stop, drop, and roll, like I was always taught. I stood there

screaming until I passed out from the pain.Dang, done in by my obsession.


38/44

~ 38 ~

Moonlight in a Cup

I was sitting on the stoop with Gram-Gram and you know what she asked me?

Rochelle, go get me some moonlight in a cup.

I couldnt believe she asked me that. I asked her what she meant, but she gave me no

answer and just repeated her demand.

Go get me some moonlight in a cup, baby.

She wanted it. By midnight. There was no way to change her mind, or convince her it

was impossible. She wanted moonlight in a cup. I asked her how to do it and she told me to get

my brother, Rodney, so he could help me.

Me and Rodney sitting on the stoop with Gram-Gram now. Rodney is all kinds of

excited. Hes only six and has always got a Kool-Aid man smile on his chubby face. Gram-Gram

tells Rodney to get her bible and he does. She takes a faded piece of paper out her bible and

hands it to him. He cant read yet, so he hands it to me.

Follow every word of this and youll have my cup of moonlight. She smiled and laid a

skinny, arthritis-knotted hand on my shoulder and gave me her loving smile. She pointed to the

woods behind the house Youll find it best in the woods

So me and little Rodney walking through the woods with a lantern and an old jar. We

stopped in the heart of the woods at the edge of the pond. I looked at the paper and the first

things said.


39/44


40/44

~ 40 ~

I was shocked that the tree really existed but I could tell it was going to be a weird night.

I read the next one on the list.

3. Fill the jar half way with dew from the grass.

I knew how to do this one. As a child Gram-Gram would send my cousins and I out early

in the morning to collect grass dew. Shed put them in jars in her room, but never really used

them.

We walked back to the pond and I taught Rodney how to pick up the blades of grass and

squeeze dew into the jar. It took close to an hour to get it down and by the time we finished the

moon was high in the sky.

4. Sprinkle dirt into the jar.

That one was easy. She let Rodney grab some dirt and drop it into the jar.

5. Place the fruit in the mouth of the jar.

Rodney pulled out the fruit and placed it in the jar. Pushing it a little to make sure it

stuck.

The last thing on the list said:

6. Hold the jar up to the moon and recitethe poem.

Now I knew Gram-Gram was jerking my chain. I didnt know any poems. Rodney looked

at me aggravated.


41/44

~ 41 ~

What now? He pouted

It wants us to say a poem

A what?

A poem dummy. Its like a song.

Oh

He looked stumped. We both sat in the grass confused. Out of absolutely nowhere

Rodney started to sing.

Out of the night that loves me so, that tells me where to go, sits a plate that undos hate,

and elevates the love

The song sounded oddly familiar.

Where you learn that at? I asked him

You

I stared at him like he had a billion eyes.

member, Grampy taught you and you taught me. You told me to sing it when I was

sad.

Then it hit me. The song Grampy taught me was the poem. How a song taught to me by

my recently deceased Grampy could be linked directly to this odd task. Rodney must have put it

together in his little six year old brain because he held the jar out toward the moon and began to

sing.


42/44

~ 42 ~

Out of the night that loves me so, that tells me where to go, sits a plate that undos hate,

and elevates the love, where is the moon, the lovely moon, that shines pale light on me

I began to sing with my brother. We had sung it twice when he screamed.

Look Chelle! Look!

The jar was now glowing a whitish blue color. I stared at the jar amazed. Rodney popped

up and started running toward the house. I followed him. When we reached the house Gram-

Gram was still on the stoop with a tender smile on her face.

Look Gram-Gram! We got it. Rodney hollered

I see you did sugar. I see you did. She stood slowly and took the jar from Rodneys

little hands.

What are you going to do with it Gram? I asked. My curiosity had peaked and I needed

to know.

Follow me baby and Ill show you. She stepped off the porch and walked to the back

yard. We followed her to the big Oak tree lying in the middle of the yard. The family tree. The

tree dedicated to all of our dead family members. Gram-Gram kneeled shakily in front of the tree

and slowly opened the jar. The whitish blue glow flowed out of the jar and began to circle the

tree. It reached high into its branches, causing them to rustle softly.

Moonlight, for the ones you love. She whispered softly.


43/44

~ 43 ~

Nightmare

I ran through the empty streets. It was dark and no one was out. I slipped on the freshly

wet concrete. The moon looked ghostly behind layers of thin clouds. I heard a deep booming

sound. It sent a sense of dread through my body, though I had no idea why. In the distance a

long cackle erupted and I sped up my running. My heart was pumping and I could barely breathe

but I ran faster anyway.

The cackling got louder and I could swear I felt someone touching the back of my neck.

Its him, I thought over and over in my head. I didnt know who he was exactly, but I knew I

feared him. I also knew that if I slowed down he would get me. Crack! I jumped. The streetlights

on either side of me blew up. I sped up but every time I passed a streetlight it blew.

I half-ran, half-slid into an ally hoping he wouldnt be able to follow me. I looked back

over my shoulder and all I could see was dark. All the street lights behind me were gone and it

was totally dark behind me. I ran toward the street light before me. I almost burst into tears when

I realized it was a dead end. A 15 foot brick wall kept me from getting any further.

He was coming. I could hear him. His slow, hard footsteps were approaching me. Tears

flowed down my face and I felt scared and pitiful. Then, I saw myself in a puddle and hated what

I saw. I looked like a terrified child. I was afraid of something I couldnt evensee. I straitened

myself up and took a deep breath. I turned and faced my attacker.


44/44

He was ghastly skinny, with frizzy green hair. His face was painted white like a clown.

He had a red rubber ball for a nose and his mouth was painted into a permanent grin. He walked

close to me. Close enough, that I could see the sadness in his eyes. I felt as if I shouldnt be

afraid of him but when he opened his mouth I was. Two sets of razor sharp teeth rested in his

mouth.

I whimpered in fear as he came closer to me with his mouth wide open. I screamed as his

teeth tore into the flesh of my collar. Pain seared through my entire body. I jerked up and was

amazed to see I was in my own bed. My cover and pillow were soaked in sweat. I exhaled loudly

in relief, it was just a nightmare.

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Thoughtless by T.Z. Carbim

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