TOOLS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

ByMarketplace Ministries

CommunicationGood Communication is the key to good relationships

The better we communicate the better our relationship will be

This is true of every relationship we have

CommunicationIts not just what we say but the way we say it.

We speak in various ways

VoiceEyesBodyFace

CommunicationStatistics say:

7% is communicated by the words

38% is communicated by tone of voice

55% is communicated by body language

Communication

Speaker or ListenerThere are two participants in communication:

The Speaker

The Listener

Whilst we are all very good at being the speaker, we are often not very good at being the listener.

CommunicationListening is one of the most important skills of communication.

When we feel listened to and heard, it builds up our relationship and make us feel secure.

When we feel not listened to or heard it has in impact on how we feel and it has a negative effect of our relationship

Listening SkillsGood listening skills:

Give the person time and space to make themselves understoodShow them you know how they are feelingShow them you understandAsk questions to make sure you are hearing what they are saying

Good Listening

Listening SkillsBad Listening Skills

Interrupting when someone is speakingWhen you ignore what is being saidWhen you try and justify yourselfWhen you give unwanted advice.

Bad Listening

How to ListenTry and face each otherLook your partner in the eyesGive them time to say what they need to sayLean in to them creating a safe place

How to ListenAsk questions

When they have finished repeat back what you have heard in your own words to ensure that you heard what they were saying and not something else.

How to ListenBe careful not to feel defensive -This will result in you not listeningBecause you will be formulating your defence

Each person in the relationship must take responsibility for how they feel

You are not responsible for how your partner feels.

How to ListenDefensiveness is often the door to anger.

Be careful to guard against anger, anger will close down constructive communication

How to ListenYou cannot be responsible for how your partner feels.

However, you must take full responsibility for how you feel.

Make sure that how you feel about what is being said is relative to the issue discussed and not part of your own issues.

How to ListenRemember:

Your reaction is your responsibility.

You may react to a certain situation in one way, but someone else may react completely differently.

How to ListenPut another way, if you partner was in a relationship with someone else, that person may have reacted in a completely different way to the same situation. On that basis our partner cannot be held responsible for how we feel

How to SpeakSay what you meanDont play guessing gamesWatch your toneDont make accusationsBe sure about what you say, once it is out there you cant take it back

Our PastWe all have a past and we have emotions and pain associated with things from our past.

We need to be carful that we do not allow our past hurts and pains to destroy our current relationships

Our PastWe need to make sure that in our thinking process we keep the past in the past.

We need to make choices and decisions that will benefit our present

Making ChoicesHow we choose to behave towards the people we love will affect them and will affect our relationship with them.

We can make good or bad choices.

A good choice that will benefit the relationshipA bad choice that will damage the relationship

Making ChoicesBe sure that every emotion and feeling is relative to the event.

If your emotion to an event is not relative to the event, you may be bringing your past into your present.

Make a choice to put perspective on every issue

Making Choices

In every situation there are different choices we can make that will have different outcomes.

Making ChoicesWe make choices every day between the issue and the relationship.

The best choice is to choose to put the relationship before the issue.

That does not mean the issue is not an issue, it means that in the context, the relationship is more important that the issue.

Making ChoicesImagine the following event:

You have spent the morning in the supermarket with the children doing the weekly shop. You feel tired and stressed when you get home.

As you enter the house your partner continues to want TV and chooses not to help you bring in the shopping

Making ChoicesIs that a good choice or bad choice in the context of your relationship?

Think of a time when you made a bad choice and think of how you could have handled it differently.

Make a choice to look for the right choice in every situation.

Managing AngerThe way we manage our anger is another way in which we can make right choices.

It is a natural human reaction to get angry

There is nothing wrong with having angry feelings.

Managing AngerWhat is very important is what we do with those angry feelings

Sometimes the way in which we behave when we are angry is not helpful to our relationship

How do you behave when you are angry?

Managing AngerThere are two basic responses to anger.

The first is aggressive

This is were people use anger to control their situation or circumstance through violence or aggression

Managing AngerThe second is repressive

This is where the person uses sulking or pouting to control and manipulate a circumstance or situation

Making ChoicesWhichever your particular way of dealing with anger, the question is:

Will you make the right choice so as not to put your relationship at risk?

Making ChoicesRemember:

The purpose of an argument should not be to release anger.

The purpose of an argument should be to resolve the issue.

Making ChoicesThe best way to resolve the issue is to look for solutions, not look for someone to blame

Make a choice to be proactive in every argument to look for the solution.

Making ChoicesRemember every day we make many choices about how to behave towards our partners

Every choice has an outcome, it will either make our relationship stronger or weaker.

Make a choice today to start making good choices.

Emotional NeedsWe are we all have what is called emotional needs.

Just like a child has to be cuddled to feel secure and happy, we too have emotional needs.

Emotional NeedsWhen our emotional needs are met we feel Confident, Happy, Secure and Content.

Emotional NeedsWhen our emotional needs are not met we can feel:

Stressed, Depressed, Aggressive

Emotional NeedsWhen our emotional needs are not met:

It can cause us to behave in harmful ways

Sometimes it can cause us to drink too much

AcceptanceShow that you still love me even when I get it wrongForgive my difficult moods or behaviourDont compare me to othersDont try and change me

AffectionTouchingHuggingHolding handsMaking Love

AppreciationTell me the good things you see in meTell others the good things about meNotice the things I do for you.Thank me when I do things for you

AffirmationSpeak highly of me to othersLet me know when I get things rightShow that you are proud of meEncourage my ideas and plans

ComfortNotice when I am sad or downListen to and share my upsetSoothe away my pain with a word or hugDo practical things that show you care

Companionship

Do things with meSpend time togetherTalk to meTake an interest in my life and hobbies

EncouragementBe my number one fanBelieve in meEncourage me when things get toughTell me you know I can do it

HonestyTell me how you are feelingTell me things even when you think I will be disappointed.Dont hide things from meTell me everything not just half the stroy

RespectListen to meAllow me to hold a different view to youRespect my rights, to friends & privacyAllow me to be me

SecurityBe faithful to meBe loyal to meBe there for meLook after me

SupportBe there when my life is difficult Support me.Sharing my load and responsibilitiesBe prepared to work things outHelp me to be the person I want to be

Emotional NeedsWe need to establish what our emotional needs are

We need to be open and honest with our partners about our needs and not expect them to guess

We need to be in touch with our partners emotional needs.

Love LanguagesApart from our Emotional Needs we have specific ways in which we receive love.

These are specific to us

Love LanguageWe usually try to love people according to our own love language

However, our love language may not be the same as our partner

Love LanguagesIf that is the case, we will be expressing love but our partner will not be receiving love as we are speaking different languages.

So what are the love languages

5 Love LanguagesWordsPhysical TouchTime TogetherGiftsThoughtful Acts

WordsI feel loved when you say things like:I love youYoure the only one for meYoure specialYoure the best

Physical TouchI feel loved:When you hug, kiss or cuddle meWhen you hold my hand going down the streetWhen we snuggle up togetherWhen we make love

Time TogetherI feel loved:When we Spend time together When we do things together When you make time in your day for meWhen you choose me over your friends

GiftsI feel loved when:You give me giftsYou bring me back some flowersYou buy me spontaneous things that I may or may not have asked for.My present is important to you

Thoughtful ActsI feel loved when: You make me a cup of teaYou tidy the house or cook a mealYou offer to fetch or carry the children for meYou fill my car with petrol

Love LanguageThe questions to be asked are:

What is your love language

What is your partners love language

What is your childs love language

Love LanguagesTo determine what your love language is, fill in the questionnaire

You may want to take one for your partner to fill in when you get home.

Once you know your partners love language you can start to love them in their specific language.

Danger Actions There are dangerous actions that can put relationships at risk

When people are hurt over and over again they may choose to leave the relationship.

Lets look at how to avoid the actions which might put our relationships at risk

These can easily be remembered as DONT signs and STOP signs

DONTD-DissingO-Opting OutN-Negative StatementsT-Thinking the Worst

DONT DissingYou never..You alwaysYou are..You should..

This can make us angry and resentful

DONT Opting OutOpting out is when we refuse to discuss the issue and walk out

We we say there is nothing wrong to avoid the issue

When we are not open and honest with each other

DONT Negative StatementsYou are impossible

You never do it right

Everyone things your are difficult

DONT Thinking the WorstI know he will do it again.

He would rather be down the pub than here with me

I know she wont be faithful

STOPIf we ignore a STOP sign while driving, at worst we could have an accident, at best we could get a fine and points on our licence.

The same care should be taken of STOP signs in our relationships.

STOPS-SensitivityT-ToO-OtherP-People

STOPWhat exactly does it mean?

Listening not LecturingUnderstanding not UndercuttingPatience not Pigheadedness

STOPWhat does that look like

Stepping back, thinking and accepting

NOT

Charging ahead, jumping to conclusions or accusing

STOPIt may not make sense but we are often more sensitive to strangers than those we love the most

We tend to be on our best behaviour with strangers, and our worst with those we love

STOPThe good news is that behaviour is learned.

That means all of us can learn a new behaviour, by observing the STOP sign.

We can all become sensitive to others, especially those we love

STOPS-The first step is to STOP what you are doing.

You are probably focusing on how you feel and what you want instead of focusing on the other person.

Start to focus on them, their needs and wants and things in your relationship will change.

STOPT-The next step is Time.

Take time to listen to others.

Listen to your partner without being impatient and cutting in.

STOPO-The next step is to observe

As we learnt earlier, its not just words involved with communication.

Look at their body language and their tone.

Make sure you are getting the whole picture.

STOPP-The final step is Positivity.

Positively acknowledge the feelings and opinions or ideas being expressed.

You may not agree, but its important that you respect their ideas or view.

Lets RecapCommunication - not just wordsListening SkillsTake Responsibility for how you feelKeep your past in the pastMake good choices

Lets RecapManaging your angerIdentify Emotional Needs tell your partner about them so he can meet themIdentify you and your partners love language so you can express love in each others language

Lets RecapDanger Actions

DONT - Dissing, Opting Out, Negative Statement, Thinking the Worst

STOP - Stop, Time, ObservePositivity

Thank YouWe hope this workshop was helpful.

Statistics show that these keys, if activated, do change relationships.

We hope that it will make a difference to your relationships.