Toews 1

Trauma healing and the Mennonite church in the midst of forced displacement

Submission for presentation at the International Association for the Study of Forced Migration

Conference, 2014

June 2014

Nathan Toews

Patient-focused trauma treatment presented by Judith Herman in her book, Trauma and Recovery: the aftermath of violence – from domestic abuse to political terror (1992) combined with a reconciliation-focused trauma healing model provides a more integrated understand of healing opportunities for people in situations of forced displacement. Through a deductive qualitative analysis of nine semi-structured interviews this paper examines the positive experiences of healing in the lives of those living in forced displacement. Participants were chosen using a criterion sampling strategy based on their situation of continuous forced displacement and for their current participation in a Mennonite church. While the Mennonite church programs do not focus specifically on trauma healing or provide clinical services for trauma treatment, the research participants´ experience suggests that their active participation in the church community provide opportunities for healing to happen in the midst of potential continuous trauma. The analysis of the interviews is based on Judith Herman´s framework of healing involving three stages of recovery: safety, recognition and reconnection. This framework is also the basis for two practitioner oriented guides in the field of peacebuilding: The Little Book of Trauma Healing by Carolyn Yoder (2005) and Psychosocial Healing: A Guide for Practitioners by Paula Gutlove and Gordon Thompson (2003). The juncture between psychology and peacebuilding represented in these works provides a framework for healing in the context of societal trauma, such as with forced displacement in Colombia.

Introduction For the past several decades, Colombia has been in a state of armed conflict. As a consequence, many individuals, families and entire communities have abandoned their homes and live in conditions of ongoing forced displacement. The continuous trauma that accompanies such displacement is seldom conducive to a healing process. Displacement is not only a consequence of the armed conflict but also a stimulant for the continued conflict as this ongoing trauma feeds the cycle of violence. Some who have suffered forced displacement in Colombia have been in such a state for up to 10 - 15 years, not yet feeling safe in their daily lives or able to return to their homes. Many living in such a sustained, uncertain situation do not know when or how the next threat will come. Will it be a call telling them they have been located, resulting in fearing for their lives? Will it be suspicious men taking pictures of their home? Will it be a motorcycle with two armed men appearing to follow the bus they just got on? The armed conflict in Colombia, which has resulted in the internal displacement of more than six million people, began with the rise of various armed guerrilla movements in the 60s. These movements along with the formation of government sponsored paramilitary groups and the government armed forces have created a culture of violence. While paramilitary groups are no longer legally endorsed, government corruption and the lucrative drug industry have made continued paramilitary and guerrilla activity very viable and profitable. In the struggle to control land for the use of industrial agriculture (including coca production), mining of natural resources, oil extraction and trade routes, the various armed groups continue to engage in human rights abuses that force people and their communities to either cooperate with the armed group or

Toews 2

leave their homes for fear of death. The majority of the victims did not choose to be a part of this conflict but have been forced into it because they were living in what became a conflict zone. Victims of forced displacement have been through a traumatic experience and often continue to live in situations of potential continuous trauma. In addition to the trauma of the death or disappearance of family members, many families have to flee their homes on a moment’s notice, taking only what they can carry on their backs. They then arrive in an unwelcoming city where re-victimization and continuous trauma come in the form of ongoing threats from the same armed group that caused the original displacement, suspicion and discrimination by members of the host community, and rampant urban poverty and violence that characterize the marginalized sectors of the cities. Forced displacement is not just a single event but rather a life experience that can last for several years causing deterioration of dignity and self-respect. Many cases include multiple displacements in which a person or a family continues to receive death threats and must move repeatedly for safety. This ongoing movement and fear becomes a new normal. Therefore, addressing issues of healing while in the midst of ongoing trauma is a necessary challenge as Colombia attempts to engage processes of reconciliation and peacebuilding. In The Little Book of Trauma Healing, trauma therapist Carolyn Yoder presents a conceptual dilemma between healing and peace. While some might argue that healing can only happen when there is peace, Yoder asserts that unhealed trauma contributes to a cycle of violence and that healing is required to achieve peace (2005). For those living in protracted forced displacement healing cannot wait to happen after life has returned to “normal”. But how can healing happen in the midst of violence or the threat of violence? How can healing happen when safety is not guaranteed and with little likelihood of access to mental health services? The experience of members of the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church community in Bogota, Colombia presents the opportunity to examine the possibility of healing while in the midst of the continuous trauma of forced displacement. Using a framework of healing developed by psychiatrist and researcher, Judith Herman (1992) and adopted by Carolyn Yoder (2005), an analysis of interviews with nine people living in forced displacement show that aspects of a healing process do happen despite the challenges of potential continuous trauma. In a context of societal trauma, the work of peacebuilding cannot ignore the complexities of both healing for personal growth and recovery, and healing for the purpose of social reconstruction and reconciliation. As an Anabaptist and Mennonite church, the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church belongs to a denomination of believers that put nonviolence, community work and reconciliation at the center of their faith practice (Becker, 2010). In the context of a country in the midst of an ongoing armed conflict, these values become particularly salient as people and communities are victimized and marginalized due to the violence. While the church does not have programs that focus specifically on trauma healing or provide clinical services for trauma treatment, the research participants´ experiences demonstrate that their involvement in church programs and services as well as in the church community in general have a positive impact on healing for those living in forced displacement. The purpose of this project is two-fold: to better understand what healing can look like in the context of continuous trauma of forced displacement using the model of healing presented by Judith Herman and Carolyn Yoder (1992; 2005); and to understand how the participants’ involvement in the church community at the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church in Bogota, Colombia contributes to healing. Trauma Healing and Peacebuilding The juncture of trauma healing and peacebuilding requires a deep and complex understanding that links the mysteries of human emotion with formal processes of a sustainable

Toews 3

peace. Olga Botcharova, in her exploration of developing a model of forgiveness, recognizes that the weakness of official peace initiatives and signed peace accords is that they often are, “rational responses to irrational phenomenon (2002, p. 280)” While victims of violent conflict might have a rational understanding of the need to work together with former enemies they may not be able to disconnect from their emotions and betray a sense of identity and values that have been fundamental in their lives (2002). In Peacebuilding in Traumatized Societies, Barry Hart identifies the need to recognize the “intangible” issues such as the impact of stress and trauma that must be a part of any peacebuilding process. Addressing issues of employment, education and the rebuilding of infrastructure will be much less effective in post-war reconstruction if the hurt and distress that lie below the surface of a traumatized society are not addressed and healed in a manner that returns dignity to the people and reconciles damaged relationships (2008). Martha Cabrera, working in Nicaragua after Hurricane Mitch, was frustrated by the poor results of all the workshop initiatives that so many communities had received. While nearly every community had received training on some topic geared toward empowering and inspiring the people to rebuild their communities and mobilize their efforts there was a passivity that seemed to keep people from moving forward. Upon further investigation, Cabrera found Nicaragua to be a “multiply wounded country” with people and communities still traumatized by past experiences, from intra-family violence to the impact of political violence of Nicaragua’s recent history. People wanted to process these wounds, recognize the hurt and mourn their losses before they thought about rebuilding after hurricane Mitch (2002). The experience of these practitioners in peacebuilding show that while reconstruction efforts and peace accords can be rational steps designed by well-trained professionals, they will not be as effective or even possible if conflicting parties and victims are not able to address the pain and loss they have experienced through their traumas. If there is not a process of healing that accompanies reconstruction and other peacebuilding efforts, unresolved pain will continue to lie just below the surface with the risk of exploding again into another violent conflict. Trauma healing processes offer a way for the “intangible” issues such as emotional pain, identity threat and shame to be dealt with so that individuals, communities and societies can do the hard work of conflict transformation and peacebuilding for a lasting and meaningful peace. Trauma Healing Frameworks Healing from trauma is a process that must accommodate the emotional realities of the victims. At the core of violence are feelings of shame, loss of dignity and threats to identity that when not addressed drive a cycle of aggression. Victims of violence can display “acting-in” behaviors which can result in harm towards self and ultimately suicide, or “acting-out” behaviors that result in aggression towards others. Healing processes allow for these emotions to be recognized and addressed in a healthy manner to restore dignity and affirm positive identities of those victimized (Yoder, 2005). Healing is a process that must attend to both the personal and inner healing of the victim and if possible the conflicting relationships that caused the original trauma. While these dynamics of healing have an impact on each other they are different processes that require their own time and space for healing. In her book, Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence – from domestic abuse to political terror (1992), psychiatrist Judith Herman provides an in-depth explanation of three stages of a healing process: safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection. Herman explains that disempowerment and disconnection from others are at the core of psychological trauma. In a recovery process, the goal is for the survivor to restore control in his/her own life through self-empowerment and reconnection with the world. Through empowerment and reconnection the

Toews 4

survivor can feel supported by his/her relationships and community while feeling autonomous to freely make decisions regarding the healing process. Herman recognizes that recovery cannot happen in isolation. Just as psychological faculties such as trust, autonomy, initiative, competence, identity and intimacy were originally created in relationships; they must be recreated again in relationships. While the necessity of relationship is a part of any healing process and can be an entry point for discussing processes of forgiveness and reconciliation, Herman’s work focuses on the inner and personal healing process (1992). Carolyn Yoder’s book, The Little Book of Trauma Healing (2005), affirms the importance of inner healing of the victim. She presents a model, Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security, that addresses the healing of conflicting relationships that have perpetuated a cycle of violence. Healing those relationships through alternative forms of justice, forgiveness and reconciliation allow for the prevention of future violence and the enhancement of non-violent opportunities for conflict transformation. Yoder challenges conflicting parties to take the risks needed to understand and open up to each other through mutual recognition of harms done and the mutual responsibilities in addressing their conflict. Security is not about protecting Self from the Other but rather about building relationships with the Other that guarantee the safety of all parties involved. Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security, adapts the categories of healing: safety, remembrance and mourning (renamed as acknowledgment), and reconnection, developed by Judith Herman and integrates them with Olga Botcharova's model, originally called the Seven Steps Toward Reconciliation (2002; 1992; 2005). By combining these two frameworks of healing, Yoder brings together the complexity of psychological healing of an individual with the healing of hurt relationships through forgiveness and reconciliation that enable the peacebuilding process to be more effective. Herman discusses the inner healing found in a victim's renewed love of life and love for self in the idea of restorative love (1992). Yoder reflects about individuals who have found a sense of inner freedom in the midst of a context of continued violence. People who are grounded psychologically and spiritually, and have a clear understanding of their values can find a sense of inner safety even though their physical safety might not be guaranteed (2005). As Botcharova and Yoder explore the psychological mechanisms that can lead a victim to become a perpetrator and continue a cycle of aggression, they discuss the importance of an inner voice that leave doubts in a victim’s mind as to whether they want to go through with completing a cycle of aggression through a “justified” act of violence. To ignore the inner voice, would be to ignore the soul and to betray the soul would be the worst evil (2002; 2005). These reflections demonstrate the importance of inner healing as a necessity for the wellbeing of the victim and victim’s ability to build relationships with a former enemy and engage in processes of forgiveness and reconciliation. Psychosocial Healing: A Guide for Practitioners published by the Institute for Resource and Security Studies – IRSS, edited by Paula Gutlove and Gordon Thompson (2003) also bridges the gap between trauma healing and peacebuilding. This guide, too, uses the healing categories developed by Judith Herman: safety, remembrance and mourning (renamed as acknowledgment) and reconnection. While Gutlove and Thompson emphasize the importance of psychological healing, they place Herman’s understanding of healing within a larger peacebuilding framework of social reconstruction and human security. Trauma healing is a process that both individuals and communities go through with the purpose of rebuilding the fabric of social networks and institutions that allow a society to function. The guide emphasizes an integrated approach that incorporates conflict management practices into the functioning of other sectors of society such as health care and educational institutions. The impact of societal trauma on groups, communities and societies requires that the response must also involve all sectors of society while placing the welfare of the people at the center. The guide is written for the use of practitioners working in

Toews 5

settings of violent conflict with suggestions for methods of implementing psychosocial healing such as community integration, volunteer action, training the trainers and helping the helpers. Additionally, tools and activities are described that correspond to Herman’s healing categories (2003). Together Judith Herman, Carolyn Yoder and the psychosocial healing guide provide a comprehensive look at trauma healing from the psychological aspects of healing to the social and relationship dynamics necessary in the healing of divided and traumatized communities. Processes of trauma healing must address the “intangible” factors such as shame and loss that often get overlooked or ignored but that lie at the heart of conflicting relationships. As Martha Cabrera found, people will not be motivated to work on development projects as long as they continue to hold the pain of multiple traumas (2002). Olga Botcharova’s experience showed that victims of violent conflict will not simply disconnect from their deep seeded emotional responses in order to follow through with a signed peace accord or professionally designed peacebuilding strategies (2002). Processes of peacebuilding and conflict transformation must integrate trauma healing at both the personal, relational and community levels to address the issues at the heart of a conflict: to heal those that have been harmed and return dignity to people who have been shamed. Only with such a comprehensive healing will people be able to look at their former enemies and at their shattered communities with hope and desire to move forward together. This paper will use the categories developed by Judith Herman (safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection) to examine the healing experiences of people living in forced displacement and how the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has impacted that process. The analysis will consider how people have experienced personal and inner healing and the potential for healing in hurt relationships with a conflicting party. Design of Study The research design is a qualitative study of nine cases of people living in forced displacement who were involved in the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church at the time of the interview. The interviewees were chosen using a criterion sampling strategy based on their situation of continuous forced displacement and for their current participation in the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church. Interviewees were identified by the author’s contacts at the church and include two men and seven women. All interviewees had been originally forcibly displaced from a region of Colombia outside of Bogota and after multiple forced displacements had eventually arrived in Bogota and became involved in the church. All participants had also suffered multiple forced displacements within Bogota. For more information about general characteristics of the interviewees please refer to appendix 1: General profile of the interviewees’ experiences of forced displacement. All nine interviews, conducted between February 2012 and June 2013, followed a semi-structured interview process. Six of the nine interviews were structured using Yoder’s model, Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security, which incorporates the three categories of healing developed by Judith Herman: safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection (2005; 1992). Three interviews used another guide of questions that focused more broadly on the experience of displacement and how involvement in the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church had an impact on the interviewee's experience. All nine interviews were information rich in addressing what healing can look like and what role the church played in that process. While parts of the interview involved the interviewee telling his or her story without much guidance, in other parts the interviewees were asked to reflect on their experiences from different aspects of the healing

Toews 6

process models, requiring the interviewee to reflect on the same experiences but from a new angle and/or in more depth regarding a particular theme. All interviews were analyzed using a deductive qualitative method with a cross case study analysis to identify patterns of how the interviewees experienced healing according to the healing categories developed by Judith Herman: safety, remembrance and mourning (acknowledgement), and reconnection (1992). These three categories are also the basis for recognizing different healing components of the model, Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security (Yoder, 2005). Within the three categories of healing, patterns and outlier experiences are identified to contribute to the qualitative understanding of what healing has been like from the perspective of the interviewees. In this paper the real names of the interviewees are not used for reasons of confidentiality. Trauma and the Experience of Forced Displacement in Colombia At the core experience of trauma is the loss of control, connection and meaning as perceived by the victim. These three elements are highly interrelated in that the loss of one often implies the loss of the other two in some form or another. A loss of control, whether physical, emotional or psychological, often implies that the victim as well has lost connection with some aspect of his or her social world. A person’s sense of meaning, e.g. about social order or how the world works, helps define how one should and can connect in a world that is both safe and empowers a person to be who they want to be. Trauma destroys or seriously questions the assumptions a person had about how they could operate in a world that was meaningful to them (Herman, 1992; Hobfoll, 2007; Neufeld Redekop, 2008; Eagle & Kaminer, 2013). The loss of these three elements is well exemplified in the experience of forced displacement in Colombia. The interviewees’ experiences of trauma include the disappearance and killing of family members, being forced from one’s land and home, and losing all known opportunities of livelihood, including all possessions and community support systems. Any assumptions the victims might have held about the world being benign or the existence of a social order, are questioned after these experiences. The excerpts below demonstrate a variety of ways in which the interviewees experienced loss. Mikaela expressed poignantly the loss of connection with her children as they grew into adults. To protect her children from danger she left them when they were young and was not able to consistently be with them for several years.

…in my displacement… I lost everything. All my work and my life… the farm, the animals, the house, everything. But in reality on begins to see that these are material things, that these things can be obtained again more easily. But the time lost in which your kids were not by your side, (soft crying) to see that they have grown… (pause) but not having been there, this was the most difficult for me… because they grew and I was not there to see it happen. I didn´t see them (soft crying). And now… when my son’s voice changed I had to listen to him over the telephone. I was not there in those moments to see how they were changing, from children to adolescents, from adolescents to adults. This was the most difficult… the breaking up of the family. This was the most difficult. But now this is something we have overcome and I understand that this is time I can´t recover. - Mikaela

In addition to the initial loss, Mikaela´s description also indicates the long-term impact of her forced displacement: missing out on a large portion of her children´s growing years impacted the relationships within the family and created a sense of isolation and the loss of the emotional connection between mother and children. Pamela’s experience also demonstrates a tremendous amount of loss, including the death of family members and the loss of the family farm and livelihood. Pamela comes from a family of farmers and grew up in a rural community. She reports her mother had been part of a community

Toews 7

action board (Junta Acción Comunal) through which she led an effort to discourage members of the community from supporting any armed group in the region. It was common for armed groups to demand that people provide them with food and shelter while occupying the region. As we see in the experience shared below, there was no good option for the Pamela´s family.

We grew up with my father on the farm. My whole life has been on the farm, and since I was a girl we had to work hard with my father because he always has lived in poverty. We began to have problems because the armed groups began to arrive: the guerrilla, the military and the paramilitary. They all came to our house. My mom always told them to leave. They began to threaten us… Time passed with the presence of the armed groups… until one day they entered my uncle´s house that was near my father´s farm… they took away four men. Among them were [two of] my cousins. The paramilitary group took them around one in the morning. So the entire community got together to look for where they had taken my cousins and the two other men, and they looked and they looked and after four days they found the bodies chopped up (picadito) in a water pipe. They did not recognize the pieces of the bodies. This filled us with fear and horror. - Pamela

Pamela continues regarding the disappearance of her brother soon after the death of her two cousins.

My brother went to a nearby town… to look for work. That day they [a paramilitary squadron] were stopping cars on the road between the towns. About half way between the town and our farm the squadron stopped my brother’s car and had him get out. They took him and never more… My brother… they took my brother and seven others. We were always hoping that my brother would appear again but, nothing. After having killed two cousins… four other men… we had to leave… the whole family… and fifteen other families. We were all displaced. This was the first displacement with my parents. - Pamela

Not being able to find the body of a loved one makes it difficult for family members to have closure from such a horrific time. There is a striking suddenness to the horrors of this experience. In addition to the shock of the disappearance and/or death of family members (loss of connection), the sudden disruption of the new normal adds to the suffering (loss of control). While the presence of armed groups in the region brings about a sense of stress and trauma and the expectation something bad might happen, one never knows when it will happen. When Pamela mentions that, “time passed with the presence of the armed groups,” she describes a sense of life continuing on, a sense of normalcy. The violent death or disappearance of a loved one is therefore exacerbated by the loss of control over the situation as a violation of expectations. Another dynamic of loss expressed in the interviews is the questioning of basic assumptions held about the world, or the loss of meaning. In the context of Colombia´s armed conflict, many of the victims are innocent inhabitants of a region caught in the middle of violent battles between armed groups. When the violence hits them personally, there is an obvious feeling of injustice and anger because they did not choose to be part of the armed conflict. An obvious question for victims is “why me?” This question can accompany anger and demonstrates a loss of meaning in being able to understand what happened (Yoder, 2005). Below Pamela expresses her frustration and anger as to why this had to happen to her family.

I will tell you the truth. Before I came to the church, I was filled with rage and a lot of hate because I said to myself, “my father [was] in poverty his whole life, working to have a farm to live on, and these people arrive and take it away. They come and kill my brother without him owing anything to anybody… the only thing he had was being a campesino and a hard worker…” – Pamela

Toews 8

For all of the interviewees, spirituality provides the basis for understanding their world. In the loss of meaning caused by the trauma, Andres struggles with spirituality in his very direct questions to God.

“Well!” I declared, “If God… if You exist… would all this happen? Would I have lost… my father, my brother… the house… everything?” – Andres

Traumatic experiences have ongoing repercussions as victims try to reconstruct their lives. For many interviewees who came from rural, agricultural communities, their arrival to the city without any support is a prominent example of continued repercussions following forced displacement. Discrimination and urban poverty characterize the marginalized neighborhoods in which many families settle upon arriving in the city. For those coming from a rural community, their education and agricultural skills are neither appreciated nor applicable for the employment opportunities in the city. Pamela expresses the challenges of being in a new environment that is very foreign to her.

Everything has been very difficult because my father and everyone [in the family] was accustomed to the farm. We were displaced and arrived in [city name] without knowing how to do anything in the city. My father was accustomed to growing crops on the farm and for us it was very difficult because we were accustomed to another life. – Pamela.

She goes on to talk about trying to get a job herself.

They didn’t accept me because they said I had to know how to use a computer and I didn’t know even how to turn it on, and they told me I could not work there anymore… they told me that they need a younger lady that is an expert, “not like you who doesn’t know anything.” – Pamela.

These types of challenges create a great amount of stress in addition to the traumas that the family has experienced. Not only are these families struggling to survive but all of these events of loss and rejection communicate a sense of worthlessness and helplessness. Pamela’s experience of not being able to find a job only reinforces these feelings. Andres as well expresses these emotions.

I said to myself, “well, I am displaced, I have nothing”. My thoughts were, “I am a problem for society; I am another burden for people”. – Andres

Victims of forced displacement must deal with the original trauma of the displacement, the continued trauma of being threatened, and the ongoing stress of being in a new and unwelcoming place without the means for survival, all of which make it challenging to reconstruct a life and find healing. Cycle of violence Another vulnerability for victims of trauma is the likelihood of getting caught in what Carolyn Yoder calls the Survivor/Victim Cycle. Adapted from Olga Botcharova, Yoder's concept outlines the psychological journey of a victim and possible pitfalls that lead to a continued cycle of violence. The Survivor/Victim Cycle expects the natural, human responses demonstrated by people who have lost family members to the armed conflict in Colombia and have been living in forced displacement. Due to tremendous losses and disconnection, trauma victims may experience anger, rage and question the fundamental understanding of the world, including spirituality. At some

Toews 9

point, most victims will have negative thoughts about the person or group of people that were responsible for the act of aggression against them, commonly including fantasies of revenge or a strong desire for justice. When these feelings are unaddressed, the cycle of violence continues. (Botcharova, 2002; Yoder, 2005). Pamela expresses her feelings towards those that had killed her brother.

They come and kill my brother without him owing anything to anybody… the only thing he had was being a campesino and a hard worker, and I was very angry, and I said to myself, “these people are going to pay some day for what they have done to my brother.” I was very angry. - Pamela

Andres talks about those that killed his father and brother.

At one time I had a lot of rage. The moment when it happened I had a lot of rage. And I said, “I want the opportunity to come that the same thing would happen to them that happened to my family.” – Andres

Teresa talks about her feelings of revenge.

I wished for the death of those people… for the pain. I felt so much hate for all they had done. – Teresa

When these feelings of anger are not addressed through a healthy process of grieving and mourning, they can become heightened to the point that the victim begins to feel that the only way to heal is if their source of pain is destroyed, and begin to justify revengeful violence towards the aggressor. The act of violence towards the aggressor completes the Survivor/Aggressor Cycle and the victim and aggressor switch roles (Botcharova, 2002; Yoder, 2005). In peacebuilding, the risk is trying to move forward with peace and development projects in a context of conflict or post-conflict when the victims have not had the opportunity to properly recognize and process their trauma. It is important to allow victims to recognize the loss and pain. To ignore such pain and suppress grief is to guarantee a longer period of hurt and the possibility of lashing out violently. This transition from acknowledging and experiencing the pain to being able to let it go indicates a healthy process of healing that will allow the victim to also leave their sense of victimization and move into a process of recovery, thus breaking the cycle of violence. Without the engagement of a healthy process of recovery victims are less likely to be able to work with their aggressors towards a lasting peace. Trauma Healing in the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church The following deductive qualitative analysis identifies how the interviewees experienced the different categories of healing developed by Judith Herman: safety, remembrance and mourning (also known as acknowledgement), and reconnection. These three categories are also used by Carolyn Yoder in Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security. Both Herman and Yoder emphasize that survivors do not experience these healing categories in a linear trajectory nor do experiences of healing fit exclusively in one category or another. Nonetheless, the order of the categories suggests that certain conditions of healing enable other aspects of healing to occur. For example, finding safety in some form enables a survivor to mourn their losses in a way that feeling unsafe does not. The experience of healing is dynamic and can last a lifetime. Survivors that have accomplished some progression in a healing process can still fall back into patterns or behaviors that pull them back into a cycle of aggression or inhibit them from moving forward in the healing (Herman, 1992; Yoder, 2005). While experiences do not fall

Toews 10

exclusively into one category or another, the categories can be used to highlight particular qualities of an experience that demonstrate the dynamics of healing. Just as Herman and Yoder have presented these categories in a model, the analysis of the interviews will also identify experiences and expressions by the interviewees that demonstrate a particular healing category. The order in which these categories are discussed does not imply that healing is a linear process or that experiences are exclusive to one category or another. The interviews demonstrate that healing does not only contribute to personal wellbeing, but also to the potential healing of conflicting relationships and to the interviewees’ ability to positively contribute to the social dynamics of their current communities. While Judith Herman focuses on the personal healing of the victim, Carolyn Yoder focuses on the conflicting relationships that could have been contributors to the trauma with the hope of addressing current conflict and preventing the cycle of aggression as a response to conflict in the future. Within a framework of peacebuilding, the hope is that conflicting parties will be able to reconcile their differences and work together to find solutions to their conflicts. Those that work in both trauma healing and peacebuilding argue that this is only possible when conflicting parties are able to go through processes of healing that allows for both personal and internal healing as well as healing of conflicting relationships (Botcharova, 2002; Cabrera, 2002; Gutlove & Thomspon, 2003; Hart, 2008; Yoder, 2005). The interviewees’ experiences of forced displacement and involvement in the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church demonstrate these processes of healing in a variety of ways. When discussing the healing of conflicting relationships such as through processes of forgiveness and reconciliation there is often an assumption that the conflicting parties have met each other and there is the potential for face-to-face interactions. Seven of the nine interviewees have not personally met their aggressors or even know specifically who they are. Most of the interviewees talk about their aggressors as being an armed group such as the guerrilla, the national armed forces or the paramilitary. At the time of the interviews there was no known prospect that the interviewees would ever have the chance to meet their aggressors face-to-face. Nonetheless, many of the interviewees express perspectives that are conducive to healing conflicting relationships that suggest they have been through a healthy process of personal healing as well. While these victims might not have the chance to participate in a reconciliation process directly with their aggressor, a healthy healing process is likely to have a positive impact on their attitude and actions in their personal life as well as in their public life as citizens of Colombia. As the psychosocial healing guide by the Institute for Resource and Security Studies suggests, psychosocial healing from trauma contributes to social reconstruction of a traumatized society (Gutlove & Thomspon, 2003). While not all victims will be able to have a reconciliation process directly with their victimizers, they can be a part of rebuilding the basic social fabric of society. Martha Cabrera’s experience in Nicaragua is an example of how victims who have not been able to experience healing do not always have the motivation and energy to dedicate to their own community development even if there is a high need (2002). The interviewees in this research project represent a small group of millions of Colombians who have been victimized and who are part of the current and future realities of Colombia. The healing of all Colombians is significant to the future of Colombia as the country engages in reconciliation and peacebuilding projects. The Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has played a key role in providing spaces that encourage the healing process of the interviewees. The interviews demonstrate the importance of the church to those living in forced displacement in Bogota. In the three categories of safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection the interviewees attribute much of their healing experiences to the positive attention they have received at the church and their ability to process their trauma as well as rebuild relationships in a community that can assist them in reintegrating

Toews 11

back into society. Some of the healing experiences don’t happen within the church community or church environment itself. In these instances the interviewees refer to faith perspectives they have learned at the church as being important or in some cases they refer to how the church has supported them in their faith perspectives. The following discussion will focus on both how the church has been supportive in the healing process of the interviewees and the particular dynamics of their healing process as they pertain to the different categories of Herman’s model. The experiences of these interviewees demonstrate that people living in forced displacement can have positive healing experiences and that the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has provided the spaces and relationships that enable these healing experiences to happen. Safety One of the goals of establishing safety is for the survivor to have the opportunity to restore control in his/her own life. Safety in itself, however, does not mean a survivor has control. Many victims of forced displacement feel very unsafe in most places because they do not have control over their environment and are vulnerable to being harmed again. When victims come into a safe place, it does not mean they personally have control but that they trust that the environment will not take advantage of their vulnerability. Herman discusses the dynamics of power in a patient/therapist relationship. The patient, being emotionally vulnerable, trusts the therapist, who has control, to act professionally and not take advantage of the patient’s vulnerability. When someone who has been living in forced displacement comes into the church they can feel safe in a variety of ways because they trust the church community to not hurt them or take advantage of them. Once safety has been established the survivor can begin to take initiatives that give them a sense of restoring control in their lives (Herman, 1992). In the model Breaking the Cycles, safety presents an opportunity for the victim to break free from falling into a cycle of aggression where the victim might act aggressively towards self and/or towards others. Within safety the victim does not feel threatened and so there isn’t the immediate need to act in aggression or try to protect one’s self. Yoder acknowledges that in many contexts where there is societal trauma, physical safety can be difficult to find. In such cases Yoder and Botcharova give a variety of examples of people and communities that find an inner-safety in their ability to stay grounded spiritually and/or emotionally. In such cases the victims find safety in their ability to resist falling into a cycle of aggression and follow their own sense of what is “right”. In many violent contexts vengeful violence is often justified in the dominant narrative of the conflicting parties, but victims themselves might internally feel that responding violently towards their aggressors is not in line with their personal values. Being able to resist the “justified” violence and follow personal convictions gives a victim a sense of control and safety in their own being. These types of responses can lead to creative and exciting non-violent initiatives and responses to a violent context (Botcharova, 2002; Yoder, 2005). The experiences of the interviewees show that the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has played a dynamic role in attending to safety in its many dimensions and in a context of ongoing violence. Physical safety found at the church is particularly valuable for those who feel there is potential danger in most other spaces they occupy in the city. Andres and Maia specifically identify the “bus” and the “streets” as being dangerous places. This is particularly concerning given that in order to go anywhere in the city these are two of the most common spaces that one would occupy. At the time of the interviews, all interviewees were living in some degree of continued danger in which their physical safety was threatened. While some were in relatively safe conditions given the fact that they had not received a death threat for several months or even a year the possibility of receiving another threat and having to move once again remained. In the

Toews 12

following examples Pamela and Maia clearly indicate the church as a place of safety in relation to the city around them that is not safe.

Here in the church I feel good, I feel calm… I always want to have bus money to come to the church and bring my daughters on Sundays because one feels love, one feels like they have a family here. – Pamela In reality I feel safe when I am here [at the church]. But I am not always safe in the streets… I look in all directions before I go out… [My daughters] say to me, “Hey mom, you are always looking in all directions. Why are you looking all around when we go out? Who are you expecting?” I tell them, “you must look in all directions before you go out. One doesn’t know who’s going to be around.” – Maia

In both cases the mothers mention their daughters in their efforts of finding safety. Having a family with young children elevates the sense of danger and the desire to find safety because of the need to protect more than just ones’ self. Lydia’s keen observation of her husband’s behavior describes an exciting moment when she realized her husband feels safe in the church.

The first time my [husband] could turn his back towards someone was here in the church. This is incredible because his parents were killed… He always sat with his back against the wall, never towards a window, and never with his back towards other people… never. As soon as he arrived anywhere he would place himself against the wall so that, God willing, he would have a panoramic view and be able to see everyone. Here [at the church] was the first time I saw him sitting towards the front [in the congregation]. And he is much taller than most people and I thought other people might be bothered because they wouldn’t be able to see around him but no one understands what it means for us that he can sit in the front. This had never happened. He had never sat with his back towards anyone. This was incredible. It was like saying, “Here I am safe. Here I am calm.” - Lydia

The ability for Lydia's husband to let down his guard indicates safety and the possibility of openness to the vulnerable process of healing. A church service on Sunday mornings is also a very public and crowded place where someone who feels in danger might want to stay vigilant. Lydia’s recounting of this moment demonstrated her excitement in being able to see evidence of her husband feeling safe enough to enjoy a church service. The following excerpts demonstrate a strong feeling of being accepted at the church, of not being rejected for who one is, and of feeling cared for. Some of the interviewees are very attentive to how those in the church treat other, as the observance of welcoming and trust in the church provides a sense of safety for those living in forced displacement.

The first church service I came to at the Mennonite church I was given a very warm welcome. Already in the first service they came and hugged me… It’s difficult when one arrives to a new place and one says, “What do I do? Do I stay quiet?” But, no. At the end of the service many people… came to hug me. And they told me, “we are happy to have you here. For us it is a blessing to have a pair like you here.” They were the only people that didn’t reject us… because here [in Colombia] a displaced person is rejected… it is seen… as a danger to have [a displaced person] here like us. – Andres …here [at the church] people are very humble and sincere with others… one of the things I learned here was sincerity. If you say something to the pastor, he will say “yes” or “no”, but with sincerity. He isn’t going to go in circles with, “maybe yes,” or “maybe no,”…and therefore I also have been sincere. I don’t like coming here with one face and another in the street… always transparent. – Juan Pablo The pastors here are very down-to-earth. The simplicity they have in treating others… it doesn’t matter if they come dirty or clean, [or] if they come with patched up clothes. They treat everyone the same. This is what I notice about the church. – Mikaela

Toews 13

The pastor… is always aware of someone’s needs and asks, “[Maia] how are you?” One rarely sees this, when he asks if there is rent money, if we can pay, are the children studying, do they have enough to eat? One rarely asks this... not even the family thinks of this… they are always aware and ask, and they are aware of everyone, not just one person. - Maia

Andres’ description of his first time to the church indicates a very positive reception in that he not only felt accepted and welcomed but that the congregation communicated that it was a “blessing” to have him there. Both Mikaela and Andres refer to a sense of not being rejected or discriminated against, implying that they had this fear and/or had experienced this in other places. Andres also recognizes the danger in associating with people in situations of displacement yet he is confident that the church won’t betray his safety. Relating to emotional and relational safety some of the interviewees refer to values of “sincerity” and “simplicity” as something they appreciate in the pastor and others at the church. Juan Pablo appreciates that the pastor is direct which encourages him to also be transparent in his interactions at the church. Mikaela attributes “simplicity” in the pastors’ ability to accept all people into their church and not judge them based on their appearances. Finding safety in spirituality demonstrates an inner peace that victims can find even when their life situations continue to be difficult. In most cases the interviewees make a strong correlation between God and their experience at the church, which for many of them provided significant spiritual formation. Both Mikaela and Maia recognize finding safety in God through prayer, the affirming presence of God and being thankful that God has provided them with the church.

The one thing I did was to pray to God for my children, for my family, that nothing would happen. – Mikaela First, God; second, God; third, God. We have always had Him. He is always here. But the church… one is thankful to God because we have always had those at the church here as if they were family. – Maia Thanks to God first above all. Thanks to God for the pastor and the church. – Maia

In the next quote, Magali mentions the importance of finding safety in God and in community. There is an interesting dynamic in recognizing safety in both an inner, spiritual dimension and in a more public space such as the community. This perspective is congruent with the church’s perspective of the importance of building community that can serve to enhance safety.

My sense of security is in God and in the community. Because they [the community] know you. The people themselves know if someone is suspicious, if someone is asking about someone else, they will tell you about it. So I believe first in God, and second in the community. – Magali

Magali’s words also point to the role of spirituality in establishing a sense of safety and a belief in God as security. As Carolyn Yoder and Olga Botcharova discuss, safety can also be found in being able to resist the temptation to compromise one’s values. In a context of societal violence, one woman talks about her family holding on to their values of non-violence.

In my house a grand miracle we have is the option of forgiveness and knowing that no man in our house agrees to pick up a weapon. No one, no one… We do not agree with the army and we advise our boys to not join the army that they shouldn’t pick up a weapon. – Lydia

Considering the suffering this family went through, this is a powerful testimony to non-violence, grounding the family in their own convictions and opening them up to more creative responses to

Toews 14

violence. As an Anabaptist church, the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church promotes a faith perspective that supports non-violence and is openly supportive of Lydia's position on this issue. While finding safety through inner peace or spirituality has a powerful impact on people in victimizing situations there is also a very practical need for people to think cognitively about their situation and make wise decisions about their safety. The condition of continuous traumatic stress (CTS) has recently received more attention and attempts to address the fact that many people are in situations in which their trauma is current and/or realistically anticipated in the near future. One of the more salient discussions in regards to CTS is that people in situations of continuous trauma might exhibit similar symptoms to a patient with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but for different reasons. For example someone with PTSD might experience hyper-arousal or paranoia in their preoccupation with staying safe when they clearly are safe from anything that could harm them. Someone experiencing CTS might have similar extreme reactions but their worries are based on real evidence that their safety might be compromised at any moment. While these behaviors in post-trauma life might prove to be harmful to one’s self and others over time, these same behaviors can act as protective factors that can save someone’s life (Eagle & Kaminer, 2013). In the context of forced displacement in Bogota there are countless examples of how people think and behave to help guarantee their safety and that of their family. While in normal life circumstances these reactions might seem extreme, for these people there is an obvious danger that they are trying to avoid. Many of the interviewees talk about not feeling safe in most public places such as in their neighborhood, in the streets or on a bus. Whenever they go out, they are very vigilant to see who might be following them or might look suspicious. For all the interviewees, multiple displacements are a result of taking measures to find safety. Some of the interviewees had decided that making official reports to the government jeopardized their safety. Juan Pablo, Maia and Pamela all asserted that after they had reported their displacement to the government, they started receiving death threats which caused further displacements. While they might have good reasons to believe that the government agencies are infiltrated with those working for armed groups, they are also taking the risk of not being eligible for receiving assistance from either government agencies or NGOs that often require official documentation (Sanchez Medina, 2010). Another common practice is not giving out an official address to close family members who might also receive threats by armed groups asking for the whereabouts of their targeted relative. Juan Pablo discusses how he maintains his safety while trying to continue making a living selling avocados as a street vendor, an occupation that requires him to be in public spaces.

I have a limit to my security that is ugly but as the saying goes, “amongst hurt and pain one finds a way to live with the two.” I am never in just one neighborhood. I can tell you I am in Ciudad Bolivar but if you come to Ciudad Bolivar you will never find me and nobody will tell where I am. Among a group of street vendors we maintain a sense of prudence. No one knows anybody and nobody will tell anybody… I work in at least four different neighborhoods. – Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo’s attitude and practice towards staying safe is both sad and necessary, but also demonstrates an impressive and creative nature in his ability to network with street vendors that he trusts to be able to continue working and find some normalcy in life. Andres provides a description of his sense of safety for himself and his wife in the context of continuous trauma.

…since we have arrived in Bogota there have been five attempts on my life. The last one was particularly difficult because I was close to death. Since then I made the decision to leave for [another town] and I very rarely go out. It is difficult because, at least here nothing bad has happened… but

Toews 15

because I don’t go out. I take care of myself. Every time I do go out it is difficult because they could kill me on a bus… It’s difficult because during our displacement one year passed without any attempt on my life. We began to build a house when they tried to take my life and we had to move and leave everything. So this leaves us with less confidence… When things are calm we are always a little worried. – Andres

Andres’ situation shows the interplay between a false sense of security and the stress of not knowing when safety is real due to the prolonged nature of displacement. This dynamic becomes more complicated because the heightened preoccupation with safety becomes both a life saving quality and at the same time inhibits any steps towards healing that a survivor might hope to take. The Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has played a very important role in helping individuals and families find practical ways to live in safety despite the dangers they may face. In the case of Andres and his wife the church gave them the opportunity to live and work at a church outreach project in a neighboring city where they could live and work in the same building and therefore did not need to be in public spaces very often. This proved to be very helpful for their safety as they did not receive any threats during their time there. Additionally, they were able to connect with a community and take on specific roles at the outreach project creating a sense of living life and not just hiding. While this experience served its purpose well, Andres and his wife began to feel claustrophobic and they did not feel that the situation was sustainable. Despite the positive impact of the new community they were a part of, they could not leave the neighborhood and did not feel like the life they were living was one of their choosing. One of the responsibilities of the Justice and Peace Committee at the church is to be attentive to the security situation of different people in the church. In the case of an emergency, the committee is called on to provide assistance with some type of protection measure. The most common measure of protection is providing a family with funds to move to another apartment when necessary. Committee members are also available to talk with anyone who is not sure what to do or uncertain about his or her situation. Simply the opportunity to discuss one's worries often leads to the ability to think more strategically about a difficult situation. By providing safety for people in situations of forced displacement, the church has played an important part in helping people take a step towards healing. In addition to a sense of physical safety at the church, feeling accepted into the church community allowed the interviewees to develop a sense of emotional, spiritual and relational safety. While the situations of those in forced displacement continue to be precarious and their safety is not necessarily stable, these opportunities to find and experience safety increase the possibility of healing. Finding safety is the first step away from a cycle of aggression and towards forgiveness and reconciliation. Healing also presents the opportunity to contribute to the rebuilding of the social fabric of society. Those who break free from the cycle of aggression and are motivated to work in their communities will be contributors to a peacebuilding process. Remembrance and Mourning/Acknowledgement In healing, the category of remembrance and mourning, or acknowledgement, is an opportunity for victims to recognize for themselves and be recognized by others what has happened to them, and what it means to move forward in life. Judith Herman discusses the importance of the victim’s ability to reconstruct the story while identifying both facts and emotions. This reconstruction is a process of understanding physical and relational losses and how the events changed the victim’s perspective of the world. Once held assumptions about the world are replaced with a new understanding that incorporates the traumatic events. Mourning is a significant aspect of this stage in healing but often also the most dreaded. Herman notes that

Toews 16

victims often fear grieving because they worry that the pain will be too great and they will not be able to let go. Pride may inhibit a willingness to mourn and grieve losses, a process that the victim might see as giving in to the aggressor. Herman challenges the victim to reframe the mourning process as an act of courage, not humiliation, and an act of resistance, not submission to the perpetrator’s will. Through mourning the victim can find inner strength and reclaim control over his or her emotions and healing process (1992). Olga Botcharova also discusses the necessity of feeling the pain in order to leave it behind. The act of crying and mourning losses is a way of saying goodbye to the past and of beginning to separate from the pain (2002). Carolyn Yoder and Olga Botcharova contend that the personal healing that happens in this stage allow for the transformation of conflicting relationships. Once victims have had the opportunity to be recognized and have regained a sense of dignity for their own experience, they can begin to understand their enemies’ perspective. Why did they do what they did? Gaining an understanding of these perspectives does not mean that the victim is justifying or agreeing with what was done. Understanding the roots of a conflict can help re-humanize an enemy and open up the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation (Yoder, 2005). In a process of building a sustainable peace in Colombia, Bonnie Klassen identifies the need for social spaces where victims can tell their stories. In a context where members of armed groups have often been victims themselves, unhealed traumas permit victims to justify retribution that has fueled a cycle of violence for over five decades. Through processes of mourning and truth-telling Colombia can as well enter into a process of healing that allows for transformative relationships through forgiveness and reconciliation (2008). The experiences of the interviewees demonstrate that at the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church they were able to tell their story and feel listened to. In the context of forced displacement, some of the interviewees express their appreciation to be able to talk freely about their story. Mikaela, for example identifies the importance of being listened to.

…it was wonderful the day I arrived here [at the church]… I could talk with liberty. This is what one wants… the people want to be listened to. What everyone looks for is someone to listen to them because they want to get out all that has oppressed them in their mind, in their body, in everything. – Mikaela

Magali mentions the combination of God and being heard by a church member as being helpful. First, God… I began to heal. It wasn’t (claps her hands) anything magical, but more like a process. Second, the Mennonite church through [names a church member] on Wednesdays at two in the afternoon… a space to vent (desahogar). …each person arrived, told their story, their pain, their burdens... [name of church member] listened, analyzed… I believe this also served me well. - Magali

Pamela as well identifies the importance of being able to talk about her story and express her emotions.

I have been able to express… my emotions that I have had, for example the loss of my brother. …here [at the church] I have had the opportunity to [talk]… when I talked with [the pastor]… to express myself, to explain everything because… never… before I hadn’t done this. …it was nostalgic to remember my displacement, they killed my brother… and to remember this. But at the same time I felt good because it was the first time I could talk about this with another person, and talk about everything without being afraid… – Pamela.

The Teusaquillo Mennonite Church offers many diverse opportunities for people to tell their story. Some choose to tell their story during a church service in front of the entire

Toews 17

congregation, some during an open discussion at Moment for Peace, a weekly gathering for Biblical reflection and discussion around issues related to Colombia. In these cases victims might sense a need to declare their story in public to break the silence that they have kept for so long. Others choose more intimate spaces with one other person who is ready to intentionally listen and pray with the victim. Often the interviewees mentioned specific people at the church who listened to them. Sharing one’s story of trauma and victimization is often an emotional experience and can be part of a mourning process. When asked about mourning their losses the interviewees had a variety of answers that suggest an ongoing process. While all interviewees had been able to tell their stories and share their emotions at the time of the interviews, some still struggled with the pain and memories of those they lost. While at least one interviewee was able to have a funeral, officially recognizing the loss of her four daughters most had not had this opportunity and did not talk about the possibility of doing so. Below, a few interviewees share their thoughts when asked what mourning means for them or if they had had the opportunity to mourn their losses.

For me to mourn is to accept what one has lost… to allow that the feelings of pain… get out. And this happened, but it begins again… it is necessary to keep going, keep going, keep going. And take care in at all times. – Teresa I remember the first day I arrived at the church and I cried so much… I cried so much that day, because I could talk with confidence [trust]. I could speak about all that I carried inside. And they listened to me. – Mikaela Before we couldn’t… and now, in this moment still, I remember my brother, my father, my house and still it hurts. – Andres

Juan Pablo explains his experience with mourning.

Have you had the opportunity to mourn your losses? Yes, to keep silent. …to hold on to the pain. Can you explain? When someone is in mourning for the person they lost one lives with the memory. There is always and constantly in the mind a memory. Those that died in my family were older than me, my grandparents, my uncles, my cousins. They see how one grows and one sees how they grew in their jobs, working. One worked in agriculture and the other in carpentry. [Now] when one sees someone working, for example in carpentry, it fills me with bitterness and pain… it hurts. Even if they aren’t in my blood family but they are from my same region. And one manages for a long time… every weekend on Sundays I always think of my family… because on the Caribbean coast on Sundays the entire family gets together along with good friends. And [today] one looks around and doesn’t see anybody, there is a pain that is always with you. – Juan Pablo

Pamela expresses the challenge of not being able to go through an official mourning process and that the pain stays with her.

Well, for us, mourning, we haven’t been able to because my brother, not ever again, not the body or anything was seen ever again… disappeared and everything. But in one’s thoughts, sometimes… the first memories of my brother, and he was younger than I, one remembers, and one has a lot of nostalgia and sadness. – Pamela

Toews 18

Others express the challenges they face in a process of mourning. In contrast to the fear of the mourning process as described by Herman, in this instance the challenge to mourning is due to the external context of ongoing threats and a generally untrustworthy environment.

One can’t do it [mourn]. Because… here one has to watch what one does, one can’t stop or be still. – Teresa …it isn’t easy to tell everything… because we are living in the same country and I wouldn’t tell this to you because it could be that you are bad… - Lydia

These fears demonstrate a feeling of vulnerability and the importance of being safe during a time of mourning, as trusting the wrong person could create new trauma. Andres’ reaction is particularly interesting as he alludes to the idea of having to be in motion in order to stay safe but the need to “be still” while in mourning. His type of safety does not permit him the vulnerability needed during a time of mourning. Mikaela’s reference to “living in the same country” illuminates her fear of simply being in Colombia as a liability in itself. Living in continuous danger presents a challenge for the church in assisting people in mourning their losses, but it is important for the church to continue to work towards safe opportunities to mourn as part of healing, for example, by offering formal rituals of mourning. Many victims have lost loved ones and yet never held a funeral because the body was never found or because they could not return to their home community. Participation in a planned ritual or service could serve as a healing experience. These story-telling opportunities have also been important for the interviewees in the process of making sense of their lives in light of the trauma they have experienced. Judith Herman asserts that it is therapeutic to reconstruct meaning and beliefs that incorporate the traumatic event (1992). In the context of the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church, and as evidenced by the interviews, meaning making revolves heavily around the Christian faith. A few interviewees came to the Mennonite church already as practicing Christians with a strong sense of God being at the center of their lives. Most of the interviewees were not religious or active church members before coming to the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church. Their understanding of Christianity developed while at the Mennonite church and their interviews indicate a strong belief in the Christian faith. The process of reconstructing meaning in their lives after their trauma comes alongside and as a part of their process of becoming practicing Christians. Within a framework of Christianity and the dynamics of healing, the interviewees demonstrate positive changes such as acceptance of the tragedies that have happened, increased self-love, personal transformation and a strong desire to extend forgiveness to their aggressors. The prevalence of God in many of the responses by the interviewees provokes additional questions regarding how they approach the reconstruction of meaning and understanding in their lives. The following three quotes demonstrate the strong presence of God.

…in this moment I give thanks to God. For me this is a big strength… to know God. And as well knowing the church [Teusaquillo] gives me strength. And in the most difficult times… the love of life, the love of knowing that we must construct our own lives. – Andres God exists and He is the only one that knows what I have… I know that God will not let me die because He knows my thoughts, and He knows where I walk. – Paula Andrea Without God there is no program that is worthwhile. There isn’t any discussion that is worthwhile, there isn’t anything. I believe the foundation is God because God transforms the life of each one of us. – Magali

Toews 19

In the context of healing these excerpts show that God gives strength, safety and is the means for personal transformation. Mikaela demonstrates a strong faith in God as she attempts to make sense of her death of her two brothers.

It hit me hard when they killed my two brothers… Time passed and I cried a lot over their deaths. But then one day several years later I said to myself, “But God, why am I crying so much? Why do I cry for them? Perhaps they suffered their deaths because you… you wanted them at your side? Perhaps you said you… needed them for a purpose.” So I understood and since then I began to say, no. I must thank God because God wants them at His side. – Mikaela

When talking about understanding the trauma they had been through and their personal journeys of healing and spirituality, many of the interviewees mentioned forgiveness of their aggressors as a part of that journey. In the model Breaking the Cycles: The Journey to Healing and Security, Carolyn Yoder puts forgiveness in the healing category of reconnection because forgiveness is a dynamic in which the victim decides how they would like to relate to their aggressor. At the same time, forgiveness involves intense introspection that can be both an outcome of inner healing and can allow for continued inner healing. Olga Botcharova points out that forgiveness relieves a victim of the desire to change the past and offers freedom from victimhood. Forgiveness is a culmination of healing and is motivated by the victim’s personal need to heal. Botcharova also articulates that true forgiveness is unconditional. Forgiveness does not depend on the attitude or response of the aggressor but is a conviction that the victim has come to through his or her own process of inner healing (Botcharova, 2002; Yoder, 2005). According to the interviews, forgiveness for the interviewees is part of the process of inner-healing and of gaining a new understanding and new meaning of their lives in light of the trauma and continued trauma they experience. Most of the interviewees have not met their aggressors and do not know them as particular people but rather as an armed group. Forgiveness at this point has not been a mechanism for transforming conflicting relationships. It has the potential to lead to that but since that type of victim/aggressor interaction has not occurred, forgiveness remains within the realm of personal healing. Another aspect of forgiveness the interviewees discussed is the role of God and the Christian framework within which they decide to extend their forgiveness. As inner spirituality is a valuable tool in the healing process, God plays a powerful part for some of the interviewees. Johan Galtung explains how the concept of God can impact conflicting human relationships. While a conflict between two people could be viewed as a situation between Self and Other, this theological approach presents the idea of the conflict existing between Self and God, making the perpetrator guilty before God, not just another person (2001). Extending this reasoning makes forgiveness part of maintaining a loving relationship with God, not necessarily to transform a relationship with the Other. This places forgiveness even closer to a process that is about personal healing and not necessarily dependent on transforming relationships. Forgiveness can have a powerful impact on the transformation of relationships but at its core, there is a strong emphasis on its importance in the personal healing journey. Many of the interviewees developed their understanding of faith at the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church. While the interviews did not focus on personal faith journeys, many of the interviewees indicated that forgiveness is an important part of their faith and for some a necessary aspect of being a Christian. The church reflects a variety of personal interpretations of faith and forgiveness, encouraging people in their own personal faith perspectives. Interviewees reported feeling supported at the church in their own spiritual development that in turn has had an impact on their healing process.

Toews 20

Andres reveals that his journey from wanting revenge to offering forgiveness centers around God.

At one time I had a lot of rage. The moment when it happened I had a lot of rage. And I said, “I want the opportunity to come that the same thing would happen to them that happened to my family.” But when I came to know God I saw that He teaches us to love our enemies. I said, “Lord, help me learn to forgive my enemies.” To have felt this hate that I had before, [now] I don’t feel it because it wasn’t offering me anything. And little by little God began to change my thoughts and He showed me in my mind that they are victims as well. So now I pray for them. – Andres

Through a transformation that did not involve personally getting to know those that killed his brother and father, Andres came to see the perpetrators as victims themselves, and asked God to help him to learn to forgive. Andres attributes his change in heart to God’s teachings of “loving the enemy”. There is a clear acknowledgement that the hate he had before, “wasn’t offering [him] anything,” as if Andres was looking for the chance to let the hate go and God offered him that opportunity. As Botcharova points out, people are motivated to forgive by a personal need for healing. Without forgiveness the weight of hate continues to burden the person and keep them tied to a sense of victimhood. When a meaning system provides an outlet for that hate, the person is drawn to that way of thinking so as to let that hate go. Pamela offers another story of transformation from rage.

I will tell you the truth. Before I came to the church, I was filled with rage and a lot of hate because I said to myself, “my father [was] in poverty his whole life, working to have a farm to live on, and these people arrive and take it away. They come and kill my brother without him owing anything to anybody… the only thing he had was being a campesino and a hard worker…” and so I felt a lot of rage and I said to myself, “these people are going to have to pay some day for what they have done to my brother.” I felt a lot of rage. But now, in this moment, knowing the church I tell you my thoughts have changed. I tell you that I don’t feel rage towards them, nor anybody. God is great and powerful and He knows everything that has happened to me and I say, “let God decide,” but I don’t feel rage or anything against them. – Pamela

Pamela’s transformation does not mention forgiveness or having love for her enemies. At most, she says she no longer has rage or any feelings against those that killed her brother. Rather than telling us what she does feel, she puts the responsibility on God. By identifying the greatness and powerfulness of God, Pamela does not have to worry about how to feel. While she does not reach the point of being able to forgive the aggressors she is relieved of her hate which can provide a sense of freedom and being able to move on with her life. Does her response contribute to a process of healing or does it allow her to avoid facing her true feelings and thus inhibit a deeper healing process? Magali’s response is another example of someone finding a way to escape the pain of bitterness.

We have learned through the Word that if someone doesn’t forgive, they will be the one that suffers. Because the person that hurts another doesn’t even remember who was hurt, of so many [he/she] has hurt. But one [the victim] is always bitter. They carry the burden for not forgiving… Because this person [aggressor] for the many that he/she has hurt doesn’t even remember. In exchange [the victim] carries twice the pain, twice the hurt, twice the sadness, twice of everything. And God says leave the burdens for Him and He will take the revenge. When one learns to trust in God in this way… God… takes control of everything. – Magali

Magali’s motivation to forgive and hand over her burdens to God is to no longer suffer the bitterness. Trusting in God takes away the responsibility of having to deal with the pain. Magali

Toews 21

recognizes that her aggressors wouldn’t even know who she is. She is one of so many victims that the aggressors wouldn’t even be able to identify her. The very people that had such a profound and invasive impact on her life don’t even register her existence. For someone who is trying to heal this can be particularly difficult because not even the aggressors can acknowledge what they have done. Magali finds solace in the presence of God who can take away her bitter and vengeful feelings. While this provides psychological relief the question again remains whether her response contributes to a process of healing or if it allows her to avoid facing her true feelings and thus inhibits a deeper healing process. In these last three examples God plays a profound role in relieving the victims of their pain of hate and bitterness. This also frees victims from needing to worry about what the aggressor thinks of them. Victims can focus on their own lives without concern for their aggressors. Judith Herman discusses a point in the healing process when victims can learn to focus on themselves, reaching a place where they aren’t worried about what their aggressor thinks. Botcharova also discusses the unconditional quality of forgiveness, that one gives forgiveness because one wants to and regardless of whether the aggressor is asking for it or not. Botcharova describes a process of being able to feel one’s pain in order to let it go and Herman discusses an aspect of finding dignity in one’s story and courage to mourn the losses. There is a delicate dynamic between finding relief from pain in order to move on in life and embracing the pain in order to fully mourn losses. Just as victims might find a way to relieve themselves from the pain, they might also ask themselves if they have fully mourned their losses and are truly ready to extend forgiveness to an aggressor that might or might not be asking for it or even want it. The experiences of Andres, Pamela and Magali demonstrate a variety of ways in which people navigate their feelings and reactions in a world where they must continue to survive and in a context where ongoing violence might victimize them once again. The same stage called remembrance and mourning by Judith Herman is referred to as Acknowledgment by Carolyn Yoder. Yoder emphasizes steps of acknowledgment that promote a transformation of conflicting relationships. One of the steps is to understand the roots of the conflict and why the aggressor acted so violently (2005). While all interviewees had their own version as to why they had become direct victims of the armed conflict they all identified the violence between armed groups, such as the guerrilla and the paramilitary, as factors. Some people also identified the Colombian military as actors in the violence. In all cases they identified themselves as innocent victims who have been caught in the middle.

…at one time the government… formed these paramilitary groups to combat the guerrilla. But they lost control, because they began to kill innocent people. The paramilitary arrive… trample the civilians… those that have land and farms. They kick them off, displaced, and they [the paramilitary] keep the farm. Those that have repair shops, such as my dad, they began to ask for fees. So, they began to humiliate the people. – Andres …here in Colombia the conflict is divided between two [groups]: those on the right and the left. So, if in this house a person arrives from a group on the right, tomorrow someone will arrive from the left, and they will kill us just because they came by. They make us prepare food and some other favor, but they do it flagrantly. They don’t do it for any personal interest, but just to cause more division… If you don’t do it, they kill you. So you do this favor for the group and then come those from another group, and you have problems with them as well. For this reason there is displacement, for the conflict between the groups. So those that get caught in the middle are the campesinos and the civilians… those that run are those that don’t have weapons and for this reason there is violence in Colombia from my point of view. – Juan Pablo They kick us off [our land] for oil, for gold, for copper [and] for water. The kick us off our land. So they [the paramilitary] lie, saying that we are bad people so that they [can] kick us off. And so they killed

Toews 22

2000 people. They killed us, they killed them, and innocent people. People that didn’t have anything to do with any of this. – Paula Andrea

These descriptions follow a similar narrative of armed groups in the country fighting with each other making innocent farmers and civilians the victims who suffer forced displacement as well as other persecutions. In all but two cases the interviewees had not met a particular person as their aggressor but rather identified their aggressor as an armed group. In a process of transforming relationships this can pose a challenge because unless there is a rigorous process of finding the perpetrators to specific crimes, the victims will never know exactly who killed their family members and who kicked them off their land and took their property. Analyses such as the ones above recognize that those committing the crimes are not acting on their own but because of the larger context of the armed conflict. Should these interviewees meet their perpetrator in person, would they understand that the actions of that perpetrator were influenced by the larger context and thus understand why he or she committed the act of violence? Andres admitted that he came to an understanding that those that killed his brother and father were also victims of the armed conflict. This demonstrates willingness on his part to see the larger context within which he became a victim and attribute the actions of the perpetrator to that context. In a process of reconciliation understanding the roots of a conflict can be a powerful tool to help transform conflicting relationships. Rather than placing blame and anger on one person or a group of people, there can be an understanding of how the conflicting parties involved have been a part of a cycle of violence. For an innocent victim to arrive at such a conclusion is particularly powerful given the fact that he does not hold any responsibility in a cycle of violence within which they were victimized. As an Anabaptist church that promotes non-violent conflict transformation, the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church is a place that supports critical thinking about the roots of conflict and understanding the generalized victimization of a cycle of violence. Moment for Peace is a weekly activity that combines both a biblical reflection and contextual themes related to the armed conflict. While most interviewees mention this space as an important place to tell their own story and connect with others, another purpose of the space is to raise awareness and promote discussion and critical thinking about issues surrounding the armed conflict in Colombia. The ability to view personal victimization in the larger context of the Colombian armed conflict is also supported by the church community. Such an environment encourages recognition of the roots of conflict and how the survivors’ victimization has been a part of a larger cycle of violence, which plays a key role in the process of healing conflicting relationships and leading to potential reconciliation. The Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has been supportive in many aspects of the remembrance and mourning process, including providing the opportunity and safety for displaced victims to share their stories, encouraging mourning, and nurturing and developing faith perspectives that promote forgiveness, all of which contribute to healing despite living in continued danger.

Reconnection Reconnection is a stage of healing in which the survivor re-establishes the relationships in his or her life that affirm the existing identity while also creating a new identity that reflects the survivor’s beliefs and understanding of the world following trauma. In this stage, the survivor emerges from isolation and a sense of helplessness into a new connectedness and empowerment. The survivor leaves victimhood behind by engaging with his or her fears with a new energy. Reconnecting with others is a process of being able to identify situations that can be trusted and feeling both autonomous and connected in the new relationships. Judith Herman states that within

Toews 23

this stage there can be a sense of resolution in the healing process while acknowledging that recovery from trauma is never complete and that the impact of trauma can reappear at various times throughout one’s life. Signs of resolution include the survivor’s ability to enjoy life and fully engage in relationships, the survivor’s interest in the present and future rather than overwhelming thoughts of the past, and a general approach to the world through praise and awe rather than fear (Herman, 1992). Carolyn Yoder’s approach to this stage of healing focuses on the conflicting relationships that might have caused the original trauma. If these relationships are not dealt with there is the strong possibility of continued violence and aggression between the victims and aggressors. In this stage Yoder discusses the dynamic of the survivor recognizing his or her connection with the aggressor through a shared history that brought them together and a shared future that will continue to tie them together. Just as Yoder challenges the survivor to understand the conflict from the aggressor’s point of view and understand the roots of the conflict in the previous stage of acknowledgment, Yoder now challenges the survivor to take a risk in connecting with the aggressor in hopes of forming a new relationship that can lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. While forgiveness was discussed in the previous section as an element of inner healing for the victim, Yoder places forgiveness as a process of reconnection emphasizing the potential that forgiveness has in healing the conflicting relationships. Yoder is quick to acknowledge that forgiveness does not mean forgetting the trauma or avoiding justice. Rather, forgiveness opens up the opportunity to recognize the past while in search for alternative forms of justice that promote renewed relationships of mutual interest. Reconciliation is not an event but a process that involves engaging creative solutions to issues of restitution, truth-telling, justice and forgiveness (2005). These processes of forgiveness and reconciliation allow peacebuilding activities such as peace negotiations and social reconstruction to be more successful because of the collaborative efforts that go into designing and executing such activities. These collaborative efforts are made possible by the healing processes that bring conflicting parties together to work through, what Barry Hart identifies as the “intangible” factors of conflict (2008). For those in forced displacement at the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church, reconnection is characterized by connecting with a new community at the church and in Bogota. Many of those displaced have not been able to return to their original communities either because of the violence that continues in the region or because those communities have changed. While some of the interviewees have been able to reconnect with family, they have had to find new communities in Bogota with whom they can create a supportive social network. All interviewees report the church has served this purpose to some degree. Within the church context many of the interviewees describe a very exciting movement from isolation to connectedness.

…when I arrived here [Moment for Peace] …one feels as if one isn’t alone, as if you and your situation matter to other people. – Teresa

Teresa also had this to say about a number of individuals who had provided support at the church:

…one feels that they are sharing with someone close, that they also are worried about one’s situation. …this is something very comforting… very comforting. …one doesn’t feel alone. – Teresa

Mikaela and Pamela express the impact in their lives of being able to connect with the church community.

I arrived at the church and I began to heal my heart first. Then I began to heal my mind. I began to come, changing my mind and I said, “Not all is bad because I am alive, because I am telling my story to other people. Other people are getting to know me.” – Mikaela

Toews 24

We arrived [at the church] and everyone was so kind as if they already knew us. One could see this love… and care… they took care of us very well… - Pamela I spoke with the pastor. I asked him who I could speak to and he told me I could speak with him. And he told me I should continue coming to the church and that here is a faith community… and we came alone without anything, and there was support… as if it was my family. Since then I always came. – Pamela

Juan Pablo also has a descriptive explanation that demonstrates the importance the church community for him in “orienting” himself after the tragedy of displacement.

…when one comes displaced one comes with the thought… you don’t know where north is from south. …more than anything… the orientation (ubicación). Here in the church I learned to orient myself as a person… to know that we are children of God, that we must work, we must live with dignity… -Juan Pablo

Later in the interview Juan Pablo again uses the metaphor of directions. The support from the others… helps you assemble a puzzle… because a person from a small town comes to the city and he doesn’t know which is north or south… but someone comes here [the church] and people tell you… this and this… and this pushes one to keep going forward. – Juan Pablo

Andres’ experience also demonstrates the importance of the church in connecting with a community and finding a new identity through his increased involvement in the church. Herman discusses the importance of people feeling empowered to be the person they want to be in a process of reconciling how their life has been with how it can become (1992). Here are a few excerpts from Andres’ interview:

When I arrived at the church I didn’t know anything about God, nor the Bible. I began… with a thirst. So they began to offer spaces of learning, such as discipleship class. They taught me to open the Bible. They taught me to know what the Bible is saying. They taught me how to know God. But in a very practical way with the people. And they began to send me to seminary classes. It was a very beautiful process. …I felt… like I could begin to assemble the puzzle in our life. My thoughts were, “I am a problem for society; I am another burden for people”. But no, the church… began to rebuild me. They would say, “You are important. For our church, you are important.” With a phrase and with a hug they said, “In this moment you have a dream.” Before we attended a church I had two suicide attempts. So it was like… to lose the will to live. And so they [the church] began to show me another way to live. With enthusiasm they would say, “You can do these things. Look, you are intelligent. You have a lot of talents.” But this was step by step, little by little. It required a lot of patience on our part. At this time there were a group of people that cooked. So… my wife motivated me. I heard there were volunteers for the kitchen. I said, “Well, I don’t know how to cook but I want to be… I want to feel… that my hands and the hands of my wife can help to serve others. So we got involved for awhile on Wednesdays helping to cook soup and other food.

Andres shows a clear progression of connecting with the church community. After having lost his brother and his father at the hands of an armed group he came to the church bitter and sad. As soon as he felt welcomed into the church he began to take any opportunity to get involved. Andres found a way to grow personally in the church through discipleship and seminary classes. He formed an identity with the church through his own training and volunteer work at the church. In the process of healing, this type of identity formation and connection with a welcoming community has a powerful impact in allowing the person to reengage in life after a time of sorrow.

Toews 25

Mikaela also shows intensity in affirming her own identity as a woman and a mother, empowered through her calling to guarantee a better life for her children. Just as Andres found an identity within the church that empowered him to engage life, Mikaela also rediscovers identities that she can be proud of to move her forward in life.

Displacement does not mean that you must abandon yourself… or feel less for being a woman. On the contrary. As women we must be more valiant… to take our children forward. Be it with a man at our side or alone but one can. One must heal their heart and must heal their spirit. - Mikaela We must think that if we have children… we are not alone. We have children to take forward. So we must think always about moving forward, not backwards. That is, we can’t return to time that has past, the time we suffered, the time that, no… life will embitter us. No. On the contrary. - Mikaela

In addition to being a mother, Mikaela also finds a sense of mission in being able to show the world the horrors of forced displacement and work with others who have been forcibly displaced. The very identity that has disenfranchised her is now something that can empower her to reconnect with and reengage the world.

I started each day, moving forward, moving forward, and I said, “I want to do something that shows… to the world that displacement is bad…” …but if God gave me life, that they didn’t kill me on the farm, it was for this. That I would come and help now here in my community, my displaced people, so that I could help them. …I said to the Lord, “Show me so that I will not be mistaken about the themes that I must talk about, that I must… protect my people.”

For some survivors Herman identifies the importance of a “survivor mission”, for example getting involved in a political or social movement to work to change the system that permitted the survivor’s victimization (1992). For Mikaela, a sense of “mission” was found in being a strong mother for her children and working with others in situations of forced displacement. While recovery from trauma is never fully complete, Herman discusses the possibility of survivors reaching a point of resolution when they can enjoy life without the trauma feeling overwhelming. Survivors are excited about present life and future possibilities and in general do not allow their fears to keep them from engaging the world (1992). Both Andres and Mikaela exhibit this type of energy that allows them to move forward. Other interviewees reached a similar point of resolution in their healing processes. Magali and Lydia talk about how her involvement with the church has allowed for such a resolution.

…[church involvement] has allowed me to grow spiritually. It has given me the opportunity to grow personally. Now my problems don’t bury me. Now I don’t see them as so gigantic… I begin to see them through the eyes of others and I am thankful to God for what I have. So, I am growing. – Magali Days pass and I don’t think of anything bad, nor do I remember the things that hurt or if I do remember it doesn’t hurt as much in my heart. So this seems to me very important, very good. …it has been healing to have the accompaniment of this [church] community. – Lydia

Mikaela and Lydia express a conviction for moving forward. For Mikaela, her faith in God is a central force. She feels grateful for being alive and must take advantage of the opportunities she now has.

I say now, every time I get up out of bed I give thanks to God because He is giving me another opportunity to see the wonders that God created. …[God] is giving me a new life, a new beginning. For

Toews 26

what? To share with other people, to be able to laugh, to be able to go to church. …Now, I give thanks to God because I was at the point of death. Not only once. No, two, three, four times. So now, what do I do? I say, “Lord, but when you had me there so that they might kill me, You did not allow it. Because it was You that did not allow it. So, why should I be so bitter? On the contrary. I must be happy because You gave me new opportunities of life. And so now with these opportunities of life, what do I want to do?” - Mikaela

For Lydia there is an internal calling to move forward not only for herself but also for her family. She identifies a time when life was much more precarious and they didn’t know if all they had worked for would be gone the next day. Fortunately for her family, they have seen a new opportunity to construct a life.

It seemed to me that I wasn’t contributing anything and that now was the moment to not be sitting and listening any more but perhaps to do something or focus on a solution for working, for organizing the house, for my life, for my daughters… with a life project. Because before we did many things but we knew that perhaps tomorrow there wouldn’t be anything. Now, no. Now we want to construct a life project for the long-term based in reality, firm, [and] grounded. And this is beautiful for our life and the truth is that it has gone well. I am studying civil engineering, I am working in this field, and it has gone well. We are in a new opportunity financially which is very important. We are constructing a new life. - Lydia

At the time of the interviews Magali, Lydia and Mikaela continued to live in forced displacement as they had not had the opportunity to return to their home communities for safety reasons. But they embraced the opportunity to recreate new lives despite not being able to return home. Unlike some of the other interviewees, they had not received death threats or had multiple displacements in recent years, allowing them the opportunity to reconnect with a community and move forward in their healing processes. Many of the survivors discuss spirituality through the importance of God in their journey. Mikaela in particular understands her survival as a new opportunity that God has given her to both work towards raising awareness about human rights violations and to live her own life to the fullest. Both Magali and Andres express the importance the church has had in their spiritual growth and ability to find renewed energy to keep going. Whether people have found resolution through church activities or otherwise, the church has been supportive in their faith journey and has provided a community that has cultivated new opportunities for spiritual and social growth. In this phase of reconnection Carolyn Yoder encourages the victims to confront their aggressors in a process of forgiveness and reconciliation. As noted before, all but two interviewees do not know specifically who the perpetrators were, other than being able to identify the armed group they represented. The previous section discussed forgiveness as part of a process of inner healing and transformation. What does forgiveness look like when a victims and perpetrators are able to meet face-to-face? Two of the interviewees, Juan Pablo and Paula Andrea, had the opportunity of such an encounter. Juan Pablo’s encounter with one of the perpetrators was unexpected.

…I had a job… I worked at a business here in Bogota that had a contract with the minister of defense, and this business was responsible for providing shelter and food to those that were demobilized from various [armed] groups. Here in Bogota I met the man who killed my uncle… and my cousin. I met him and I took care of him. …I was the administrator of the shelter where those who had been demobilized came to stay. I was the administrator. And among all those that arrived [to the shelter], came the person that killed my uncle. Now he is demobilized here in Bogota. So I got to know him, he became a friend of mine and he told me the story. …this helped me assemble the puzzle that I had… - Juan Pablo

Toews 27

Juan Pablo´s brief description of the killing of his cousin indicates that the man he met did not act alone. There were a group of men that took his cousin to the Magdalena River, tied stones to his body and threw him in the water. When asked about his thoughts towards his aggressors he said:

My thoughts today that I know the Word… forgive them. I have forgiven them. …I learned to forgive this person that hurt me. – Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo adds this about forgiveness:

More than anything the Word of God says that one should learn to forgive… that the past stays in the past… that one doesn´t continue with the irony of rage because vengeance is bad. That is, it contradicts the things of God. – Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo´s account about meeting and forgiving one of the men that killed his uncle and cousin indicates a process that includes both inner healing through the teachings of God as well as having a personal encounter with a perpetrator. Juan Pablo talks about being able to, “assemble the puzzle” which speaks to the power of truth-telling. Having a perpetrator acknowledge the truth of his or her actions to a victim is one step in a journey of transforming conflicting relationships (Yoder, 2005). Juan Pablo indicates that he became “friends” with the perpetrator and “took care of him” while at the shelter. Rather than choosing to seek revenge for what the man had done, Juan Pablo simply chose to seek the truth and forgive, and even embrace his aggressor in friendship. This is suggested by Olga Botcharova’s understanding of victims being motivated by a personal need for healing (2002). When asked more about forgiveness, Juan Pablo attributes the need to forgive because that is what God teaches and vengeance contradicts all that is God. Other interviewees alluded to the healing power of forgiveness because it allows one to let go of their difficult feelings of anger. The interviewees’ understandings of God allowed them to let go of their anger through forgiveness. Juan Pablo’s reference to God and the “irony of rage” suggests that he too had been looking for an opportunity to let go of his anger and was able to find that in a forgiveness that was mandated by God. In the previous section of acknowledgment, Juan Pablo also explains his understanding of the armed conflict in Colombia. He discusses how innocent people have been caught in the middle of a battle between two armed groups. This understanding allows Juan Pablo to place his anger on a larger context of violence rather than just on a particular perpetrator. While this reasoning doesn’t justify the perpetrator’s actions or in itself displace the anger, it provides another outlet for that anger and a perspective that can humanize the perpetrator and allow for constructive relationship building. In the interview Juan Pablo does not provide details of the varying dynamics of relationship building, but his answers suggest that he has been able to break away from a cycle of aggression towards his perpetrator and move on in life. Juan Pablo’s spiritual formation has been heavily influenced by the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church. During his interview he often referred to different lessons he learned about God since having come to the church. Paula Andrea has been through a much more intentional process of meeting with those that killed her four daughters. After ten years of looking for the bodies of her daughters and trying to find out what had happened, she finally was able to participate in a hearing of the paramilitary soldiers that had raped, tortured and killed her daughters. Paula Andrea’s discussion of this hearing gives us some insight into how she experienced relating to the perpetrators. One of the remarkable aspects of this story is that Paula Andrea wanted to meet with those that killed her daughters so that they could tell her what happened. In a 2007 interview with in the Colombian magazine, Semana, Paula Andrea said all she wanted was to know what had happened. She wasn’t even hoping that they would ask for forgiveness (Semana: La madre, 2007). In the 2012 interview with

Toews 28

Jennifer Chappell-Deckert, Paula Andrea admits that she had pleaded with God that she might meet the assassins.

…I cried and I asked the Lord with so many pleas, I asked the Lord, “My Lord… help me find the assassins, Lord. Only you can [help me].” – Paula Andrea

One of the first steps that Yoder identifies in the stage of acknowledgment is the victim’s commitment to taking risks in attempting to build a relationship with the perpetrator. The process is risky because the victim can be vulnerable to re-experiencing difficult emotions, which can be amplified when in the presence of the perpetrator (Yoder, 2005). Paula Andrea felt that for her to heal, it was necessary to meet the killers and know the truth. The encounter with those that killed her daughters was filled with emotion. Paula Andrea describes the moments in which she first sees them and she asks God to give her the strength.

When I looked at them, first I asked the Lord that He give me the courage and strength, that He would be with me, that He wouldn’t abandon me. So, when they were presented to me it was… God was with me. It wasn’t so difficult. And I looked at them. The paramilitaries arrived tied up. And looking around they looked at me. They said they had a knot [in their throats]… Weeping had a grip on me. Silence had a grip on me. I pleaded to the Lord. I bought a bouquet of flowers… white ones because I always wanted white ones. They are my daughters, the white flowers. So I held this bouquet, I held it tightly. I said to the Lord, “Give me the strength, Lord, to continue forward.” – Paula Andrea

Paula Andrea demonstrates an incredible amount of strength and will as she confronts those that killed her daughters. Olga Botcharova also discusses the risks involved in trying to reconnect with an aggressor, pointing out the additional risk of how the aggressor will act. Botcharova emphasizes the strength of a survivor when they have had the opportunity for inner healing. Their strength allows them to take the risk, understanding the difficulties ahead (Botcharova, 2002). Paula Andrea finds inner strength in her spirituality asking that God be with her. Paula Andrea goes on to explain that after the main portion of the hearing she asked if she could speak directly to the men on trial. She asked the men several questions pertaining to the details of the case. Why did they kidnap her daughters? Why did they rape them first? Why did they cut up their bodies? Over the course of their interactions, Paula Andrea explains that the men asked her for forgiveness. In response she gives them the following answer:

“I am not afraid you! Who do I respect and fear? The presence of the Lord… because He is the only One. ...All that you have done, He will see sooner or later. Ten years have passed, looking for my daughters. And now, ten years later He looks into the eyes of all of you. And you all are going to be an example for the people of Colombia. I want you all to leave here and start talking.” – Paula Andrea

Paula Andrea is assertive with who she is and with her faith. As we have seen in previous excerpts, God plays a powerful role in being able to carry the weight of the crimes committed. For Paula Andrea, the men´s acts of violence were not just committed against her and her daughters but against God who sees all that happens. She goes on to explain that she wants them to talk publicly about how they are sorry for what they have done, about how they have changed and how they are now following the Word of God. In the following excerpt she explains her feelings for having been able to share with them the Word of God.

…when I was with them… I was… happy because I spoke about the Word of God. Oh, I felt joyful because they heard the Word of God, that they shouldn’t commit errors. – Paula Andrea

Toews 29

In the interview Paula Andrea does not describe a moment in which she extends her forgiveness to the perpetrators but when asked about forgiveness says:

God gave a license [to forgive] and He spoke and showed what one must do. …This is marvelous to describe… forgiveness of one is that one isn’t hateful. There are no more hard feelings with anyone. There is no more… vengeance. One lives in peace. I try to help others that are around… like I was able to find [peace]… that they might feel this peace, this tranquility like I felt. And I feel it because I feel full. Thanks to God I am happy. I give many thanks to God. – Paula Andrea

When asked to describe any changes she felt after the hearing, she said:

…one feels restful. One feels restful as much spiritually as physically. One feels peace, tranquility, like breathing pure air. Things that one sees in the Lord, that one wants… to yell it to the world, the wonders of the Lord. – Paula Andrea

The experience of Paula Andrea again demonstrates the power of forgiveness for a victim who is carrying the burden of hate and vengeance. As with other interviewees forgiveness is expressed as an ability and a mandate given through their faith in God. These expressions of forgiveness refer to a process of inner healing that is driven by spirituality and a sense of relief from difficult emotions. As discussed earlier there is a tension between wanting relief from these emotions and needing to process the emotions in order to move on. The interviewees’ perspective of God’s requirement for forgiveness provokes further questioning as to the possibility of premature forgiveness. Nonetheless, Paula Andrea’s passion about her ability to forgive alludes to a survivor’s inner need to forgive in order to heal. Paula Andrea’s faith development had been well nurtured before her experiences with the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church but in her interview she discussed feeling supported by the Mennonite church during the difficult years of dealing with the loss of her daughters as well as meeting with the paramilitary soldiers that took their lives. The role of the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church in reconnection is exemplified in the interviewees’ experiences of finding a new community and not feeling alone any more. Given that the interviewees had been living in situations of continuous danger, finding a place to build community and not feel the need to hide is a significant step in a healing process. For some interviewees, church involvement became a key part of their ability to reconnect with a community and find ways to move forward in life. Through a variety of church spaces, such as Moment for Peace, discipleship classes, cooking for church events and participating in political events, people have found ways to integrate into the church community in ways that suite their interests in life. Finding these types of opportunities to reengage with society and a community can have lasting effects in other areas of life. Lydia, Mikaela and Magali express their ability to move forward and demonstrate a renewed energy to engage with their family and communities. While healing from these traumas can be a life-long experience, these women demonstrate the possibility of being able to reach a point when the trauma is no longer a central concern in their lives. Juan Pablo and Paula Andrea demonstrate their willingness to extend forgiveness after a face-to-face encounter with the perpetrators of those that killed their family members. In both cases their faith journey had an impact on how they were able to reach a point of forgiveness and they both discussed the support they had felt from the Mennonite church in working through their healing journey. The interviewees demonstrated that through their experiences with the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church they had been able find some degree of reconnection with a community that cared for them and allowed them to reengage in life once again.

Toews 30

Conclusion Healing is a process that cannot wait until peace and safety are guaranteed. While complete healing might not happen until traumatized societies have reached a more stable existence, addressing the emotional wounds of trauma must accompany peacebuilding efforts. Without these attempts to heal, traumatized people will not be emotionally ready for societal reconstruction and processes of reconciliation. As a community that provides healing opportunities, the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church is both addressing the individual need for healing and cultivating advocates for pro-active peacebuilding. Peacebuilding requires that those in conflict engage with the larger society in order to improve their situation. Without the introspective process of inner healing, victims will continue to carry their emotional wounds, inhibiting them from engaging their communities and the society at large. By pushing peace agreements on a society without healing, the emotional wounds will continue to fester below the surface guaranteeing an unwanted and possibly violent outbreak in years to come. Colombians in forced displacement have been traumatized and are wounded, but are also the future and hope for Colombia. They are farmers and shopkeepers, community organizers and political leaders, and in most cases, they are innocent. They have been caught in a cycle of violence that they did not start, but they are in danger of becoming contributors and bystanders to such a cycle. Healing is their opportunity to end their victimization, reclaim their dignity as humans, rebuild their society and reconcile with their enemies. The nine interviewees of the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church demonstrate that healing in the midst of forced displacement is possible. They exemplify the strength and willingness necessary to move forward in a life of hardship and potential continuous trauma. The church proves that the power of a loving community can cradle the wounds of trauma and help survivors find the safety, recognition and the reconnection they need to regain their dignity. For a church in the midst of forced displacement, this is what the work of God looks like.

Works Cited Ahearn, F. L. (2000). Psychosocial Wellness: Methodological Approaches to the Study of Refugees.

In F. L. Ahearn, Psychosocial Wellness of Refugees: Issues in Qualitative and Quantitative

Reseearch (pp. 3-23). Berghahn Books.

Becker, P. (2010). What is an Anabaptist Christian. MissioDio, 1-26.

Botcharova, O. (2002). Implementation of Track Two Diplomacy: Developing a Model of

forgiveness. In R. G. Helmick, & R. L. Peterson, Forgiveness and Reconciliation (pp. 279-

304). Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation Press.

Cabrera, M. (2002, December). Living and Surviving In a Multiply Wounded Country. Retrieved May

21, 2014, from Envio: http://www.envio.org.ni/articulo/1629

Eagle, G., & Kaminer, D. (2013). Continuous Traumatic Stress: Expanding the Lexicon of Traumatic

Stress. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 85-99.

Toews 31

Galtung, J. (2001). After Violence, Reconstruction, Reconciliation, and Resolution. In M. e. Abu-

Nimer, Reconciliation, Justics, and Coexistence (pp. 3-24). Lanham, Maryland: Lexington

Books.

Gutlove, P., & Thomspon, G. e. (2003, May). Psychosocial Healing: A Guide for Practicioners.

Cambridge, Massachusetts , USA: Institute for Resource and Security Studies.

Hart, B. (2008). Introduction. In B. e. Hart, Peacebuilding in Traumatized Societies (pp. vii-xi ).

Lanham, Maryland: University Press of America, Inc.

Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. New York, New York: Basic Books.

Hobfoll, S. E. (2007). Five Essential Elements of Immediate and Mid-Term Mass Trauma

Intervention: Empirical Evidence. Psychiatry, 283-315.

Klassen, B. (2008). Opening Spaces for Healing in Colombia. In B. e. Hart, Peacebuilding in

Traumatized Societies (pp. 277-302). Lanham, Maryland: University Press of America, Inc.

Neufeld Redekop, V. (2008). A Post-Genecidal Justice of Blessing as an alternative to a Justice of

Violence. In B. e. Hart, Peacebuilding in Traumatized Societies (pp. 205-238). Lanham,

Maryland: University Press of America, Inc.

Sanchez Medina, L. A. (2010). Displacement within the city: Colombia. Forced Migration Review,

38.

Semana: La madre. (2007, May 12). Retrieved May 30, 2013, from Semana:

http://www.semana.com/nacion/articulo/la-madre/85861-3

Toews, N. (2013). MCC Colombia Refugee Project Fund. Bogota, Colombia.

Yoder, C. (2005). The Little Book of Trauma Healing. Intercourse, Pennsylvania: Good Books.

Appendix 1: General profile of the interviewees’ experiences of forced displacement The descriptions of the interviewees’ situations are general and do not explain the specific experiences of each case. The interviews focus on the experience of healing and being with the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church and not on their experience of displacement. While during the interview some of the cases talked about their story of displacement or referred to specific moments of difficulty, there is not a systematic documentation of details regarding their displacement. While the variety of experiences of displacement can create degrees of traumatic responses in the interviewees, the research project assumes that all the interviewees have had a significant enough amount of loss through their experiences of displacement that there is a need for healing in all cases.

Toews 32

All interviewees for this project were currently living in a situation of forced displacement at the time of the interview. The experience of being in forced displacement can vary from one person to the next. In some cases the interviewee’s original displacement was within the last couple of years and they had been receiving death threats that can range in degree of severity. The least severe form of death threat can be a pamphlet from the armed group looking for you. The pamphlet might be posted outside of the house or slid under the door that indicates in some form or other that the armed group looking for you has found you and that they have declared you a military target (objeto militar). Another common threat is a telephone call or text message that conveys a similar message. This prompts the victim to either find another apartment in a different neighborhood or change their telephone number if they don’t feel the need to move or if they don’t have the means to do so. The most severe threats are when the victim and/or their family are being followed by armed men who might be looking for the right time to assassinate their target. For the interviewees that have been in this situation they have been lucky enough to escape actually getting shot. If the victim is in a public place they can go immediately to a CAI -Comando de Atención Inmediata, Immediate Attention Command station, which in Bogota are small neighborhood police stations that are common throughout the city. In other cases the victim can catch a taxi to avoid being shot or run inside a nearby building. All of the interviewees had been in Bogota for at least a year and some had been in Bogota for more than five years. Some interviewees have been able to create a more settled life for themselves although still living in forced displacement. This appeared to happen when the threats were less severe and the persona felt the need to continue on in life and rather than waiting until they consider their danger to have completely subsided. Victims are also considered forcibly displaced if they have not been able to return to their home because of ongoing violence in their region. All the interviewees come from regions of Colombia outside of Bogota and have come to Bogota because of their situation of continuous forced displacement. Some come from a background of farming and living in a rural area and some come from other cities and from a background of running a small business in their family. As the analysis will show in some cases those coming from a farming background and rural lifestyle find the experience of coming to city more difficult because of the lifestyle differences between the two settings. All the interviewees have been in forced displacement with one or more family members. There are times when family members split for a short time for safety reasons but often they find ways to come back together or at least visit each other. In most cases there are also family members that the interviewees have left for significant periods of time. In many cases the interviewees might have family members that still reside in the original communities and for various reasons they didn’t feel the need to leave the area as they were not being threatened by the armed group or they lived in a region where the armed group wasn’t active. The general qualification for the interviewees being in continuous forced displacement is that they have not been able to return to their original homes and with some degree of frequency they have been receiving death threats. Not all death threats are acted upon but receiving a death threat in itself can be traumatic and it is difficult to judge when a threat will or will not be acted upon so to be safe, the victims often treat each threat as if it is real. In regards to the interviewees’ forced displacement from their original homes the experiences show some variety as well as some consistencies. In all cases the interviewees and their families had been victims of illegal activities by an armed group working in their region before their forced displacement. Some of the more common practices of armed groups are extortion of small local businesses in the region or asking for some type of collaboration by community leaders and local business owners. In the rural regions, leaders of the armed groups

Toews 33

often demand that a family help house some of the soldiers or provide them with food and shelter on their farm. While some families cooperate with the armed group others refuse to cooperate which leads to more severe victimization. One of the hazards of helping an armed group is when an opposing group reoccupies a region and accuses those that collaborated with their enemy, justifying harsher treatment. In many cases the interviewees had a family member who was not cooperating with an armed group which eventually led to the assassination of one or more family members. In some cases the body of the victim was found quickly and in other cases the victim simply disappeared. In some cases the bodies were found after several years and in other cases the family has still not found the body of the victim but assumes that they were killed. Due to these incidents and continued death threats that followed, the interviewees and family members also under threat felt they had no choice but to leave their homes. A few of the interviewees did not have close family members that were assassinated but because of the general violence and continued threats in their region they also felt they had no option but to leave. Appendix 2: The Teusaquillo Mennonite Church Located near the center of downtown Bogota, a city of about 8 million people, the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has been a place where people living in forced displacement have come looking for some type of assistance. Many of the interviewees came to the church because they had heard about it by word of mouth from other people in situations of forced displacement. Other people came because they had a relative who had been assisted in some why by the church and decided to come when they themselves had been forcibly displaced. In the early 2000’s the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church began to have a meeting space for members in which they would discuss issues around the context of Colombia’s armed conflict. People who had been personally affected by the armed conflict began attending the space and soon the church formed the Justice and Peace Committee to look into ways in which the church could provide a service for people in Bogota living in situations of forced displacement. Over the past decade the Teusaquillo Mennonite Church has provided a variety of different spaces and services that have attracted people in situations of displacement (Toews, 2013). Below are brief descriptions of the activities the church has provided many of which are mentioned in the interviews. Some of the activities listed are regularly scheduled events and others are practices that happen as the need is seen. Some are geared more directly with attending to people who have been impacted by the armed conflict and others are general church spaces but, according to the interviewees have been important in the involvement with the church. This is not a comprehensive list of all activities at the church. The one’s listed are those that were mentioned by the interviewees as well as some that have the direct intention of working with people seriously impacted by the armed conflict. ACTIVITIES AND EVENTS OFFERED AT THE TEUSAQUILLO MENNONITE CHURCH Moment for Peace – This is a weekly event on Wednesday afternoons in which there is a Biblical reflection and a presenter to discuss some theme related to Colombia’s context. This has historically attracted people in situations of forced displacement because the themes often address the impact of forced displacement. This space is seen as a time when people can come to the church to present their situation of need, see if there is any way in they can connect with

Toews 34

others or if the church can help them connect with other agencies, or if they simply want someone to listen to them and pray for them. Accompaniment volunteers for listening and praying – These volunteers often attend different church events and activities and are known to be available to anyone who needs to talk and/or would like be prayed for. While this service is not only for people in situations of forced displacement, they often find these volunteers very helpful if they are in need to talk about their trauma or stress in life. Discipleship classes – These classes are offered by the church for people who are interested in becoming members of the church and have decided they want to become more committed to the community and life of the church. Many of the interviewees have become heavily involved in the church community and after having been in Bogota for at least a year had decided that they wanted to become members of the church. Prayer and fasting groups – On a weekly basis the church offers scheduled times for people to come for prayer and fasting. This is a space offered to the general church community but has as well been helpful for people in situations of forced displacement. Visitations of church members and others in need – this is a church practices offered both to people in the general church community and to people in situations of forced displacement to visit them in their homes for conversation and prayer. Classes on life planning – This class is being offered by a woman who herself has lived in forced displacement. The class is combination of basic skills assessment and creating life goals. She is hopeful that some people will use this opportunity to enhance their employability and/or start a small business themselves. Saturday evening food distribution – This is an event every Saturday evening when a small group from the church cooks a large meal and then takes to an impoverished neighborhood in Bogota and hands that food out to people living in the streets. Several interviewees mentioned this space as being an exciting way for them to become involved in the church and feel like they are contributing. Bread and Life outreach projects – These are two outreach projects in two different neighborhoods of the neighboring city of Soacha where many people in situations of forced displacement and urban poverty reside. These projects offer lunch each weekday for children between the ages of 6 – 18 and rely on the help of volunteers from the community. Both these projects also have church services on Sundays and other church related activities during the week for youth and women. Some of the interviewees have been heavily involved in these projects and also provide a way for them to connect to the church community to feel like they are contributing. Bread and Peace, and Days of Prayer and Action – These are two annual events that involve the church community in ecumenical advocacy for the peace of raising awareness of different peacebuilding issues as well as national and international policy. These events increase the visibility of the church’s support and awareness of the impact of the armed conflict on Colombian’s and of activities to improve public and international policy. They also provide a way

Toews 35

for people living in forced displacement to engage process aimed at changing the very social and political structures that they have been victims to. SERVICES OFFERED BY THEY JUSTICE AND PEACE COMMITTEE The Justice and Peace Committee has provided assistance to people in situations of forced displacement that go beyond the activities and events mentioned above. Economic assistance – The committee manages a fund that is available for people in economic need. When someone who is a part of the church community (not necessarily a member) and someone that the church trusts finds themselves in a difficult situation economically, the committee discusses the situation and what would be an appropriate response. This is money available to people in emergency situations of economic need. While the committee doesn’t require official documentation to be made as to how the money is used there is a relationship of trust built in which the church gives the money with the understanding that the person will use the money the best way they see fit. Often there is a general consensus among members of the committee before deciding whether to give the money and how much. Security and protection assessment and assistance - Some of the people in forced displacement continue to live in more immediate danger. They might actively be receiving threats and feel the need to move apartments, leave the city or in some cases, leave the country. The committee will meet with them to assess the reality of their situation and discuss what options are available. If the committee and the person decide that there is a need to move, the committee also has funds available to assist when needed. These funds are available on a case by case basis and are only given out to people who the church knows and trusts. At the time of the interviews, one of the most common options for leaving the country was seeking refuge in Canada. Canada had opened their doors to internally displaced Colombians. This was an attractive option for many and the committee assisted in filling out application forms and other paperwork necessary for the process. Since then Canada has closed their doors to internally displaced Colombians but the committee continues to look for other options for people who feel the need to leave the country. While this investigation does not include a detailed analysis of who participated in which activities and/or received services the interviewees occasionally mention their appreciation for particular activities and services. For those cases in which their type of involvement with the church seems pertinent to their process of healing, they will be mentioned in the analysis. In general knowing what has been available at the church to those in situations of forced displacement can help better understand how their experience with the church has been. The analysis will include a qualitative review of how the church has played a role in the healing experiences of the interviewees and so this will aid in understanding that experience and how the church engages with people who have been traumatized and living in situations of forced displacement.