TWO HUSBANDS IN HEAVEN

A Romantic Comedy

by

P. PAULLETTE MACDOUGAL

Dramatic Publishing Woodstock, Illinois· London, England· M:elbourne, Australia

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

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©MCMXCVIII by P. PAULLEITE MACDOUGAL

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(TWO HUSBANDS IN REAVEN)

ISBN 0-87129-825-2

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

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'i>roduced by special arrangement with TIIE DRAMATIC PUBUSHING COtv1PANY of Woodstock, illinois~'

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For all who lived through the exciting technological advances, horrendous hardships, sacrifices and dangers

of the frrst half of the twentieth century, and survived with their senses of humor intact.

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

lWO HUSBANDS IN REAVEN

Under the fonner title, Alive and Kicking, this play was awarded fITSt prize at the 1996 Senior USA Theatre Festi­val in Las Vegas, Nev. It was given concert readings at The Playhouse in Summit, N.J.) directed by Nancy Hubley; and in Las Vegas, directed by Ann McDonough, Ph.D.; As Two Husbands in Heaven it was further developed at the Bick­ford Theatre in Morristown, N.J., Walker Joyce, Artistic Director, under the direction of Kate Schlesinger. The play had its first amateur production at Reprise Theatre in Madi­son, Wis., in March and April 1997 under the direction of Jewell Fitzgerald, and included the following artists:

Gus Hartke . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. TOM HAIG Nellie Miller Papadapoulis . . . . . . . . . . . .. BOBBIE HAIG Melvin Winston BOB O'CONNOR Myrtle NANCY O'CONNOR Bjorn Svenquist PHIL STROWMAL""1 Voice of Miss Nelson JEWELL FITZGERALD Aurelia. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ISABELLE POLNER Joanie NANCIE SANFORD Moose Hoffman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ERIK BURTZ Voice of George Papadapoulis ..... DICK McLAUGHLIN

Producer Artistic Director TOMHAIG JEWELL FITZGERALD

Technical Director, Master Carpenter and Lighting Designer DAVID LAWRENCE

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

TWO HUSBANDS IN HEAVEN

A Romantic Comedy For 4 men and 4 women

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

BJORN SVENQUIST..... late 70s, a retired turkey fanner MYRTLE (~'FRUITCAKE') late 70s MELYIN WINSTON . . . . . . . . . .. 70+, a retired salesman GUS HARTKE 79, a retired fanner HENRY HOFFMAN ("MOOSE'). . .. 20, a nice fann boy NELLIE MILLER PAPADAPOULIS .. late7(S,recentwidow JOANIE 17, a runaway AURELIA around 70

Offstage Pre-recorded Voices

MISS SKOLDBERG . . . . . . . . .. proprietress of the Home GEORGE PAPADAPOULIS . Nellie's recently ~ husOOnd AUCTIONEER fast-talking country auctioneer

1ThfE: 1969 during Apollo 11 (July 20) and Apollo 12 (November 19) moon landings.

PLACE: A rest home in Beaver Crossing, Wis.

One unit set. Approximate running time: 90 minutes

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE - July 20, 1969

SElTING: Garden porch and interior lounge ofa rural flrest home. " Sound of old-tbne music on out-of-tune piano.

AT RISE: Light finds BJORN sleeping noisily in a chair on porch. Music stops.

VOICE OF MISS SKOLDBERG. Incomers alert. Incomers alert. Visitation tenninates at sixteen hundred hours.

(Music reSUlnes. MYRTLE enters garden, walks her in­visible dog [a harness on an inflexible leashJ to a tree, D. MYRTLE gazes skyward [to give the dog privacy].)

MYRTLE. I'm waiting, Skippy, I'm waiting ... Skippy, dear, I·m waiting.

(MELVIN enters the garden, takes bonle of whiskey from under dead plant in vase, drinks, replaces plant. Music fades. Sound of train whistle, stealn engine.)

MELYIN (to audience). City folks, right? The kind of peo­ple who might see our little cow town as a one-eyed blinking sort of place, a lonely whistle stop out in the boondocks. A tangle of tedium far removed from the technological wonders going on up there on the moon.

9

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

10 TWO lillSBANDS IN REAVEN Act I

Down here, we each do what we can to ... to untangle the tedium. (MELVIN approaches MYRTLE.) Myrtle, my dear, may I borrow your hankie? (Secretly thrilled, MYRTLE first offers her ratty old hankie, then clutches it possessively, then presents it reluctantly.) A beautiful hankie. An heirloom. Genuine [Gen-you-ah-een] Belgian lace. Very valuable .. , Abra ... cadabra! (Stuffing the hankie into his sleeve.)

MYRTLE. Give me my hankie! Give me my hankie, you schnauzer, you!

(GUS, the neWCOJner, enters porch area.)

VOICE OF ~SS SKOLDBERG. It has come to my atten­tion that Mr. Gus Hartke failed to register his departure before exiting his floor.

MYRTLE. Give me my hankie!

MELVIN. What hankie? Gus Hartke! Welcome to our home-sweet-home. You're just the man I want to see! I hear there's going to be an auction out at your place. Never thought you'd sell out.

GUS. Melvin, you gonna give Myrtle here back her hankie?

MELVIN. Why, Gus, I'm surprised at you! I wouldn't take a lady's hankie! Now you, you old Casanova, you! You probably took it yourself.

GUS. What? I saw you-

MELVIN. You must've seen wrong. Here. What's this? (MELVIN deftly plucks the hankie froJn the astonished GUS's pocket and returns it to MYRTLE with a highly exaggerated blown kiss.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

11 Act I 1WO HUSBANDS IN REAYEN

MYRTLE. Aaiii! You old alley dog! Skippy and I don~t get taken in by old farts blowing kisses. (MYRTLE moves toward lounge. BJORN snorts as she passes him. She sits at a table and deals for solitaire.)

GUS. Melvin, how'd you do that? MELYIN. As a dues-paying member of the Brotherhood of

Magicians, I'm pledged to secrecy. So, what do you think about us and them Ruskies shootin' holes in the sky, tryin' to beat each other to the moon? (MELVIN offers a whiskey bottle to GUS who refuses.)

VOICE OF :MISS SKOLDBERG. Mr. Winston, kindly dis­pose of the intoxicating substance.

MELVIN. That's the trouble with this place. No privacy.

(MELVIN exits. GUS moves to lounge area. MYRTLE plays solitaire. MOOSE enters.)

MOOSE. How do you like Hannony Hollow Rest Home, Mr. Hartke?

GUS. Doesn't seem like no home to me. You somebody I ought to know?

MOOSE. Henry Hoffman, Mr. Hartke. GUS. Joe Hoffman's little boy? What do you know! MOOSE. Everybody calls me Moose. GUS. Why aren~t you fanning like your dad? MOOSE. I'm gonna be a barber. Just working here 'til I

get the money for tuition. GUS. You think barbering~s better'n farming? MOOSE. Nothing wrong with barbering. I'll cut yours for

you. Lucky you still got enough to work with. Relax, it's not so bad here. Let's see if your pal Bjorn wants to wake up for music hour.

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

12 TWO HUSBANDS IN HEAYEN Act I

GUS. What do you mean "pal"'? MOOSE. He'ls your roommate, isn't he?

GUS. That old turkey fanner's in my room, if that's what you mean. Of all the old geezers to get stuck with ...

MOOSE. Could be worse. You coulda gotten a talker. Bjorn is, as Miss Skoldberg says, 44indisposed toward mindless conversation." (BJORN snores.)

GUS. Like a snorting corpse. MOOSE. There some grudge between you two? He

clammed up the day you moved in here. He said "Good morning" to Fruitcake here- eh, Myrtle- took one look at you and hasn't talked since. If you can get him talking again, you two could talk fanning.

GUS. Can't talk sod-bustin' with no gizzard picker! You know what farming is, boy? Mornings when it's forty below, you go out there anyway to milk the cows. Dur­ing planting season you get down there real close to the soil and you sn1ell it and taste it, and make yourself un­derstand it, 'cause that's all that keeps you going, your achin' muscle and the good earth. Either it gives you a crop or it don't. Then the weather either wipes you out or it don't. Then the government comes and takes everything ... or it don't. Them gizzard pickers, all they do is shovel in feed and shovel out turkey turds.

MOOSE (moving GUS out of MISS SKOLDBERG's hear­ing). Come ' ere. Don't let Miss Skoldberg hear you talkin' turkey turds. No bathroom talk, she says, no bed­room talk and no funeral talk. Especially no funeral talk. She does not tolerate funeral talk.

GUS. WhaCs she gonna do? Wash my mouth out with soap?

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

Act I TWO HUSBANDS IN REAVEN 13

(NELLIE PAPADAPOULIS enters from exterior with stack ofmusic, sees GUS, stops in surprise.)

MOOSE. Hey! I didn~t say nothin' .... Dh, hello, Mrs. Pa­padapoulis. Come meet our new resident.

NELLIE (warmly). Hello, Gus. GUS. Nellie. How are you, Nellie?

NELLIE. Well, if I laugh loud enough, I can keep from crying.

MOOSE. So you two know each other? NELLIE. Yes. No. I mean, it was a long time ago. Ob,

dear. A very long time ago. Excuse me, please. (NELLIE crosses and exits into interior.)

MOOSE. Mrs. Papadapoulis lives down the hill, but she's up here almost every day since her husband died.

GUS. Nellie's a widow? George died? MOOSE. Six, eight months ago at least. Where you been,

Hawaii? The whole town turned out for the funer-for 'lhe farewell ceremony."

GUS. Quit getting the papers after Lucinda died. No good news anyhow.... About George"s widow, how's she doin' all alone?

MOOSE. Nice lady. A ray of sunshine. She comes over to play cards with Fruitcake-eh, Myrtle, here, and cheer people up with her piano playing. Old songs. That ought to charge up your battery.

(MOOSE pats GUS's shoulder and exits. MELVIN en­ters, goes to Tv:)

:MELVIN (referring to men on the lnoon). Ain't it some­thing, though?

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

14 TWO HUSBANDS IN HEAVEN Act I

GUS (referring to NELLIE). She~s something, all right.

MELVIN. You know how much it cost to let those young fellows tromp around up there on the moon? Sixteen dollars and thirty-eight cents for every man, woman and child in this country! Lots I woulda ruther done with my sixteen smackers. (Turns off TV.) Come on, we got things to talk about.

MYRTLE. May I join you? MELVIN. Man talk, Fruitcake, just man talk. MYRTLE. Aw, what can you expect from a couple of old

male chauvinist wolfuounds? Heel, Skippy. Come on, Skippy. (As MYRTLE exits, she passes the sleeping BJORN.)

BJORN (mumbling). 0 nel, nei. MELVIN ('rvhispering). You have a fun-in with Miss

Skoldberg yet? GUS. I heen avoiding her. I hear she's a corker. MELVIN. Shh. A regular barracuda. GUS. Pardon me for asking, Melvin, but what do you do

here? I mean, who do you talk to?

:MELVIN. Well, most these folks are out cold or not all there, so you gotta stretch your imagination if you want to converse. But now that you're here-listen, I got a secret proposition for you. Can't tell nobody.

GUS. What about him?

MELVIN. Bjorn Svenquist? It would take a snow plow hargin' through hell to wake him up.

VOICE OF MISS SKOLDBERG. Flagrant profanation is prohibited.

GUS. Profanation? MELVIN. Swearing. Can't swear here.

BJORN. Kan du tro det?

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