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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTMARCH 2010
The Most Unusual Digest in AmericaFREE
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782-7113
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783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 20102
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: TYPES ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: types only in lowercase.
786-3731
Pelletier’s Karate AcademyI-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s)
Email: [email protected] • www.pelletierskarate.com
MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS
March 24thSafety Seminar
for Kids4:30-5:15 • 5:30-6:15
The PerfectEmployee
1) Uncle Andy, my as-sistant sales person,can always be found2) hard at work in hiscubicle. Uncle Andyworks independently,without3) wasting companytime talking to col-leagues. He never4) thinks twice aboutassisting fellow employ-ees, and he always5) finishes given as-signments on time.Often he takes ex-tended6) measures to com-plete his work, some-times skipping coffee7) breaks. Uncle Andyis a dedicated individ-ual who has absolutelyno8) vanity in spite of hishigh accomplishmentsand profound9) knowledge in hisfield. I firmly believethat he can be10) classed as a highcaliber employee, thetype which cannot be11) dispensed with.Consequently, I dulyrecommend that UncleAndy be12) promoted to execu-tive management, anda proposal will be13) executed as soonas possible.
Addendum:Uncle Andy was stand-ing over my shoulderwhile I wrote the reportsent to you earliertoday. Kindly rereadonly the odd numberedlines. Sincerely, Travis Dow
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 3783-7039
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People dont use any punctuation either
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping his hands over his ears.
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICAMarch 2010
Saturday, March 6Holy Cross KC Bean Supper(Camp 8609)607 Lisbon St., Lewiston4:00pm-6:30pm$4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest
Thursday, March 11Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant(Camp 10589)750 Sabattus St., Lewiston(LUNCH) 11:00am - 1:30pm$4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest
Thursday March 18Rolly’s Diner (BREAKFAST)(Camp 12907)87 Mill St., Auburn7:00am-10:00am$3.50 per Member, $4.60 per Guest
Sunday, March 28KC Breakfast (Camp 7938)Columbus Dr., Brunswick8:00am - 10:00am $4.00 per Member, Child <10 Free
Wednesday, March 31The Green Ladle Culinary ArtsLUNCH (Camp 14437)156 East Ave. (Lewiston HighSchool)Noon SHARP $7.00 per Member, $8.00 per Guest
Prices and Menu are Subject to Change.Tickets need to be purchased at theModern Woodmen District Office, 184Webster Street, Lewiston for all activitiesand can only be picked up the week priorto the activity, Monday – Thursday from9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon(excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833._________________________Auburn Office Activities 783-8804Sunday, March 28Maine Maple Sunday PancakeBreakfast. West Minot Grange Hall,Routes 119 & 124, West Minot8:00am - 11:00am$3.50 per ticket, under 5 Free.Enjoy pancakes, sausage, bacon,milk, juice, coffee
Tuesday, March 30Join us for Lunch at the New Library Café, 46 Spring St.,Auburn. 11:00am - 1:00pm. $5.00per ticket. Menu will be providedwhen tickets are purchased.
Wednesday, March 31McLaughlin Garden, 97 Main St., S. Paris. 4:00 pm. No Charge.Enjoy Nature’s Colors. Please callfor reservations at 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.
Tickets may be picked up at MWA, 76 Minot Ave., Auburn, Mon - Thurs from 9:00am to5:00pm. Or call 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 20104
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congrega-tion would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
is published by the first Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.
It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed
to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are
$30/year. Send a $30 checkmade out to
Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363,
Auburn, ME 04212
Uncle Andy’s
DigestMAILING ADDRESS:
PO Box 3363Auburn, ME 04212
E-MAIL:
PHONE: 207 783-7039FAX: 207 777-3898
www.UncleAndys.com
MARCH 2010
Staff
UNCLE ANDY
Publishing Magnate
JIMBO
Publishing Magistrate
Travis Dow
Publishing Magnet
Maggie Joyce
Our Publishing Angel
Marty Dow
Publishing Distributor
Michele Farrar
Publishing Ads
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MARCH MADNESS DEALS
We do Weddings!Call ahead to plan your event!
Plain as Day
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see myclient commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take thegoods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened
at night. Are you sure you saw my client committhis crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad.Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 5783-7039
You can have anything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want. ~Zig Ziglar
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE62 Turner Street (next to the county building)
Auburn • 795-4095United Way of Androscoggin Countywww.alymca.org
Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm;
Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pmWhere You Belong!YMCAAUBURN-LEWISTON
“My family lovesthe YMCA becauseof its support ofhealth and fitnessfor the whole fam-ily and the com-munity. YMCAswimming les-sons, basketballand cross-country
skiing have been great for our children. Group Power,Group Cycling and Yoga have been very helpful for theparents. Thanks for all that you do!”
– Matthew & Aaron Scholer
BELONG?
VALUE! I lovethat all theclasses are in-cluded in onemembershipprice & the in-structors arewonderful!
They teach you to adapt each class to your ownlevel, and there are so many classes to choosefrom that you never get bored.
– Phyllis Vail
March 5th Family Fun NightFamily Swim 6:00-6:45 p.m.& Family Yoga 7:00-7:45 p.m.FREE to MembersPre-registration is required for all: Sign up for Family Swim, Family Yoga, or both!
Indoor Baseball & Softball Ages 8-15
Quickstart Indoor Tennis Ages 5-8Registration now open! Call for details. Classes start in March
Offered at various times throughout the week and FREE with any YMCA Membership
Adults can get in a workout while we care for your kids!
at www.triplecrown5k.com
Register Now for the Greater L/ATriple Crown 5K Series
CAMP CONNORBoys & Girls Grades K-8
Teen Leadership CampGrades 9 & 10
Free Pre & Post Camp Care
FREE toMembers!
Ages 6 mo.-AdultLessons start on March 8th
Registration now open!
An 8 week sessionis only $35 for
YMCA Members!!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 7783-7039
HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
Silly NewsFrom Around
the World
More than 600 people inItaly wanted to ride in aspaceship badly enoughto pay $10,000 a piecefor the first tourist flightto Mars. According tothe Italian police, thewould-be space trav-ellers were told to spendtheir "next vacation onMars, amid the splen-dors of ruined templesand painted deserts.Ride a Martian camelfrom oasis to oasis andenjoy the incredibleMartian sunsets. Ex-plore mysterious canalsand marvel at the views.Trips to the moon alsoavailable." Authoritiesbelieve that the con menrunning this scam madeoff with over six milliondollars...
Macho Man
Uncle Andy visited adude ranch and wantedto be "Macho", and wentout walking with one ofthe hired hands. Walk-ing through the barn-yard, Uncle Andy triedstarting a conversation:
"Say, look at that bigbunch of buffalos."
The hired hand replied,"Not 'bunch' but 'herd'."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of buffalos."
"Sure, I've heard of buf-falos. There's a bigbunch of 'em right overthere."
The Lewiston High School cheerleaders & their “Super Fans”Members are: (seniors): Jessica Beckwith, Kassandra Bowen, Erin Griffin, Haleigh Traynor,
Erica Webber (juniors): Ashley Blauvelt, Jessica Bowen, Abby Campbell, Samantha Hopkins, Rebecca Lessard, Heather Michaud (sophomores): Shae Godbout,
Tiana Lacombe, Rachel Mills, Krista Thomas (Freshman): Adreena Adams, Kara Barnies,Kirsty Beauchesne, Cassandra Chung, Taylor Pratt, Torey Reny.
LHS placed 2nd in class A state cheerleading competition held in February earning them a spot at New Eng-land's located in Rhode Island on March 20th. This season the Lewiston Blue Devils have won both the Shriner’s Cheer
Classic and the KVAC’s. They were runners up in the Eastern Class A Regional Championships and the Maine High SchoolState Cheerleading Class A competition. Lewiston is coached by Lynnette Morency, assisted by Jennifer Roy.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 20108
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?with hymns from a full choir.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
I specialize in affordable
health insurance!
Just Call Him Sparky
Uncle Andy goes into a restaurant and thewaitress stops him.
“Sorry sir, you need towear a tie to enter.”
So Uncle Andy goesback to his car andlooks around, butthere's no necktie to befound. So he takes hisjumper cables, wrapsthem around his neck,ties a nice knot, andlets the ends dangleabout.
He goes back to therestaurant, where thewaitress says, "Well,OK, you can come in... Just don't start anything." Court Street, Auburn circa 1940 • Photo submitted by Nola at Goin’ Postal
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 9783-7039
Actual Product Warnings... On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
550 Center Street. Auburn(207) 782-5030 DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
Exams
Bring in this ad for...
$10OFF
Appointment Required1 coupon per personExpires 3/31/10
Auburn Mall Eye Care
Actual Product Warnings... On a package of Sunmaid raisins:Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Hours: Mon., Wed., Fri. 8-5; Tues. & Thurs. 7:30-6; Sat 8-noonCatherine Sanders, D.V.M.
Taylor Brook Animal Hospital784-1726
33 Millett Drive • Auburnbetween Minot Ave. & Court St.
Reminder: Time for Heartworm testsGet your Heartgard & Frontline now!
A Y2K short storyfrom the archives
January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicatethat you have not usedany vacation time overthe past 100 year(s).As I'm sure you areaware, employees aregranted 3 weeks ofpaid leave per year orpay in lieu of time off.One additional week isgranted for every 5years of service.
Please either take9,400 days off work ornotify our office andyour next pay checkwill reflect payment of$8,277,432.22 whichwill include all pay andinterest for the past1,200 months.
Sincerely, AutomatedPayroll Processing
Lewiston HS cheerleaders:Torey Reny, Kara Barnies
& Kirsty Beauchesne
Wish us luck on March 20th
in the New England'scheering competition.
We’ll be in Rhode Island!
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Dawson Norcrossgets a lesson in how to operate a 4-wheeler, from his dad Kevin
Ok Daddy, I’ve got this
mastered. Let’s move on to the
snowmobile!
Go Figure!
A Mathematician, a Biologistand a Physicist are sitting ina street cafe watching peoplegoing in and coming out ofthe house on the other sideof the street.
First they see two peoplegoing into the house.
Time passes.
After a while they noticethree persons coming out ofthe house.
The Physicist says: "Themeasurement wasn't accu-rate."
The Biologist concludes:"They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says:"Now if another person en-ters the house, it'll be emptyagain."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201010You Know youʼre getting older when... There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
You Know youʼre getting older when... You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.comAlways Free Jewelry Cleaning & Inspection
Jewelry doesn’t fit? Bring it in and get it sized.ALL jewelry repairs done in-house by an expert jeweler.
Watch Batteries Replaced • Watch Bands • Ring Sizing • Stone SettingClasp Replacement • Bead Stringing • Appraisals • Eyeglass Repair
DiamondCutJewelers
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Lisa Mindy
3/31/10
Family TiesSubmitted by Jimbo
A very successful businessman had ameeting with his newson-in-law.
"I love my daughter,and now I welcomeyou into the family,"said the man. "To showyou how much we carefor you, I'm making youa 50-50 partner in mybusiness. All you haveto do is go to the fac-tory every day andlearn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't standthe noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in theoffice and take chargeof some of the operations."
"I hate office work,"said the son-in-law. "Ican't stand being stuckbehind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," saidthe father-in-law. "I justmake you half-owner ofa moneymaking organ-ization, but you don'tlike factories and won'twork in a office. Whatam I going to do withyou?"
"Easy," said the youngman. "Buy me out."
The gray whale is actually black.
Silly News From Around the World
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got anasty surprise when a dye pack de-signed to mark stolen money ex-ploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the lootdown the front of his pants as he wasrunning out the door. "He was seenhopping and jumping around," saidpolice spokesman Mike Carey, "withan explosion taking place inside hispants." Police have the man's charredtrousers in custody.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 11783-7039
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Morrison & Sylvester1175 Minot Ave.
Auburn, ME 04210
783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net
PARTS • SALES • SERVICE
WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes
• Parts For All Makes• Sales of New International Trucks• Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes
Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201012
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and thenscribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
www.emersoThe Back Forty
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 13783-7039
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: As much as possible, he skips rather than walk.
ontoyota.comMarch Specials
SOLD
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201014If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Your Community Auto Repair Shop
Quality service at an affordable price!
250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.netMAJOR AUTOMOTIVENEW
$10 OFFOil Change with alignment
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Leo & Linda BeaudinLeo's Upholstery TE
STIM
ONIAL
Uncle Andy's Digest is a very pleasant
company to work with. They are always very friendly and
helpful. Advertising with themhas helped us gain
new customers.
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
There was once an aspiring veterinarianwho put himselfthrough veterinaryschool working nightsas a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, hedecided he could com-bine his two vocationsto better serve theneeds of his patientsand their owners, whiledoubling his practiceand, therefore, his in-come.
He opened his own of-fices with a shingle onthe door saying, "Dr.Jones, Veterinary Med-icine and Taxidermy --Either way, you getyour dog back!"
Expires 3/31/10
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 15783-7039
You Know youʼre getting older when... You find yourself standing in line and can't remember why.
You Know youʼre getting older when... One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Mike Morin’s Auto Center1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433
“A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A
• Expert service & highest quality
• Accurate diagnosis of problems
• Fair & honest quotes
• Great customer service
• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small
• Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service
Top 6 reasons to
choose MikeMorin’s
Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS,
AM/FM stereo, extrachrome, 2 windshields
ONLY $18,500
2006 Harley Davidson
Ultra Classic
Now is a good time to get your vehicle aligned. Prolong the life of your tires! PS: Stop in this month and wish Mike Morin a
Happy Birthday!!
Jim Hyde
FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S
Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 20101675% of the trees in Australia are eucalyptus.
The first chalkboard was used in school in 1714.Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
• Wheel alignment & balancing• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections• Exhaust systems
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 26 YEARS
60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210782-6666 or 783-2026
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE
NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
OUR TIRES
Buy 2 NEW Tires and receive a
FREE Oil Change Expi
res
3/31
/10
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(some restrictions apply)
Elm Street School principal, Mary Martin; Optimist of the Month, Tanner Marston & Jeff Gagnon, Optimist Club board member
Optimist Club’s Student of the Month
"Do not look to the ground for your next step; greatness lies with those who look to the horizon." – Norwegian Proverb
Congratulations, Tanner!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 17783-7039 A potato's closest edible relative is the eggplant.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
We are a full service repair shop
$17,500 $13,900
$17,900 $14,900
$13,500 $21,000
777-0047 • www.laautocompany.com
Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available
2004 Mercedes ML500Completely Loaded, Navigation and DVD, 4WD 8cyl, 3rd Row Seat, Perfect
2004 Audi A4 QuattroTurbo, 6-Speed, AWD, Borla Exhaust, Loaded, Leather, Bose Audio,
Super Clean
2004 Mercedes E500AWD Auto, 8cyl., All the Options, CD Player, Gray leather,
Wood-grain trim, Flawless
2005 Volvo XC90 AWDTurbo, Volvo Premium Audio, Leather, CD Player, Privacy Glass
2004 Saab 9-3 Arc Convertible, Turbo, Meticulously Cared For, Alloys, Heated Seats, CD,
Keyless Entry, A Rare Find
2005 GMC Yukon DenaliV8, 3rd Row Seat, Leather, 8cyl, Tow Pkg., CD, Keyless Entry,
Navigation, DVD Player
733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston
SPRING HIGHLINE SALEFANTASTIC DEALS ON OUR BEST INVENTORY!
GOLF; noun
[1] a game that con-sists of a lot of walking,broken up by disap-pointment and badarithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites- the world's slowestpeople are ahead ofyou, and the fastestare behind.
[3] a colorful sport thatkeeps you on thegreen, in the pink, andfinancially in the red.
[4] a game which is al-lowed to be played onSunday (under bluelaws) because it wasnot considered a gameby the law, but a formof moral effort.
[5] a game a lot liketaxation - you drivehard to get to thegreen, and then youfind yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART;noun
[1] A popular mode oftransportation be-cause, unlike a caddie,it can neither count,criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER; noun
[1] a person who yells"fore," takes six, andputs down five.
[2] a guy who has theadvantage over a fish-erman - he doesn'thave to bring homeanything when hebrags he had a greatday.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201018Dividing something into squares is known as graticulation.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Attention all former customers:
come check out my new shopfor all your body repairs
& paint jobs!
Phone: 333-32311164 Minot Ave.
(behind Dealer Worx)
Dan Wyman, OwnerMajor & Minor Repairs • Brake Service • Tune-ups
Electrical Diagnostic Testing • AC Service • Exhaust • State Inspections
68 Adams Ave in LewistonNOW Open Saturdays 8AM - Noon 783-0581
ONE-STOP AUTO SERVICEBrake Service • Custom Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • ABS LightTires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission
Overhauls • Custom Paint • Motorcycle Tanks & Fenders • Restorations & Rebuilds
304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon
353-6100THE SHOP
I just got my new custom-made
exhaust at The Shop!
Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 19783-7039
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
The first animated characters on TV commercials were the Ajax pixies.
M & P AUTO SALES
2005 Monte Carlo, V6, Auto, 70K, Black, Sharp! . . . . . . . . . . .$6,9952003 Chevy Silverado, Black, Ext. Cab, 4.8 Auto. . . . . . . . . . .$10,8002002 Ford Windstar, Dual Sliders, 109K, Loaded, Red . . . . . . .$4,500
2005 Hyundai Tiburon33K, Auto, Maroon
Roosevelt Trail • North Windham • 892-0932 or 754-4867
1994 Chevy 2500Reg. Cab, Ready to Work, 103K, White
1996 Chevy Kodiak Car Carrier21’ Steel Body, New Tires & Brakes, 3116 Cat, Auto,
Needs some work
2007 Pontiac Grand Prix62K, Silver, Sharp Car, Aluminum Wheels, PW, PL, AC, FWD
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1998 GMC 2500 Cargo Van86k, 1-Row Seating, Maroon
$3,995$7,995
$9,950
2006 Ford F250 Superduty4WD, Xcab, 92k, FX4 Off-road Package, V8, Auto,
Aluminum Wheels
$7,000
$14,995
Roosevelt Trail • North Windham
892-0932 or 754-4867
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
JULY 200920
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Cranberries get their name from Crane-berry - they grow on a stalk that looks like a crane's neck.
The extra money you’ve been looking for CAN BE YOURS...We have the financing for you!
• LOW RATES• LOW PAYMENTS• EXTENDED TERMS• ONE HOUR LOANS
Great FallsFederal Credit Union
34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500
www.greatfallsfcu.com
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: He stomps on little plastic ketchup packets.
The Points System
For all of us guys outthere who just can't fig-ure it out, here it is: Inthe world of romance,one single rule applies:Make the womanhappy.
Do something she likesand you get points. Dosomething she dislikesand points are sub-tracted. You don't getany points for doingsomething she ex-pects...Sorry, that's theway the game isplayed.
Simple Duties:You make the bed ...+1You make the bed, butforget to add the deco-rative pillows..............0You throw the bed-spread over rumpledsheets.......................-1You leave the toiletseat up ....................-5You replace the toiletpaper roll when it'sempty........................0When the toilet paperroll is barren, you re-sort to Kleenex........-1When the Kleenex runsout you shuffle slowly tothe next bathroom ...-2You check out a suspi-cious noise at night ...0You check out a suspi-cious noise and it'snothing ....................0You check out a suspi-cious noise and it'ssomething...............+5You pummel it with asix iron .................+10It's her father ........-10
Her Birthday:You take her out to din-
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MARCH 2010 21783-7039 75% of stage and screen actors do not use their real names.
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ner ............................0You take her out to din-ner and it's not a sportsbar ..........................+1Okay, it is a sportsbar............................-2And it's all-you-can-eatnight.........................-3It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, andyour face is painted thecolors of your favoriteteam.......................-10
A Night Out With The Boys:Go out with a pal ....-5And the pal is happilymarried ...................-4Or frighteningly single................................-7And he drives a Mustang ...............-10
A Night Out:You take her to amovie.....................+2You take her to amovie she likes...............................+4You take her to amovie you hate...............................+6You take her to amovie you like................................-2It's called DeathCop 3................................-3You lied and said itwas a foreign filmabout orphans ......-15
Your Physique:You develop a notice-able potbelly .........-15You develop a notice-able potbelly and exer-cise to get rid of it ..+10You develop a notice-able potbelly and resortto loose jeans andbaggy Hawaiian shirts..............................-30You say "I don't give a
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"Am I indecisive?" Can I get back to you on that? – Uncle Andy
Tim Luttrell said it was a lot ofwork representing Kora at theEast-West game recently in
Orlando...
One minute I’m hanging withthe Wing House Girls...
Then I'm feeding a camel acarrot.
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MARCH 201022
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
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Actress Cheryl Ladd started her career as the singing voice of the character Melody on the 1970's cartoon Josie and the Pussycats.
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darn because you haveone too"................-800
The Big Question:She asks, "Do I lookfat?" ........................-5You hesitate in responding ............-10You reply, "Where?"...............................-35
Communication:When she wants to talkabout a problem, youlisten, displaying whatlooks like a concernedexpression.................0When she wants totalk, you listen, for over30 minutes...............+5You listen for morethan 30 minutes with-out looking at the TV...............................+10She realizes this is because you've fallenasleep ....................-20
(continued from page 21)
Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
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MARCH 201024
"Weird" Al Yankovic received a Bachelor's degree in Architecture in 1981.He also served as valedictorian of his high school at age 16.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDECrackerjackLumberjack
A large, well estab-lished, Canadian lum-ber camp advertisedthat they were lookingfor a good lumberjack.
The very next day, askinny little manshowed up at the campwith his axe, andknocked on the headlumberjacks' door. Thehead lumberjack tookone look at the littleman and told him toleave.
"Just give me a chanceto show you what I cando," said the skinnyman.
"Okay, see that giantoak over there?" saidthe lumberjack. "Takeyour axe and go cut itdown."
The skinny man headedfor the tree, and in fiveminutes he was backknocking on the lumber-jack's door. "I cut thetree down," said theman.
The lumberjack couldn'tbelieve his eyes andsaid, "Where did youget the skill to chopdown trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest,"replied the puny man.
"You mean the SaharaDesert," said the lum-berjack.
The little man laughedand answered back,"Oh sure, that's whatthey call it now!"
Ray Berube, owner
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MARCH 2010 25783-7039
Billboard Top 40 hits 1964: The song We Love You Beatles by the Carefrees was on thecharts while The Beatles had seven songs of their own in the Top 40.
Billboard Top 40 hits 1984-85: Rick Springfield had the minor hit Bruce while Bruce Springsteen was charting himself with Born in the U.S.A.
Will to Remember
Submitted by Jimbo
A lawyer was readingout the will of a richman to the peoplementioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wifeRose, who stood byme in rough times, aswell as good, I leaveher the house and $2million."
The lawyer continued,"To my daughter Jes-sica, who looked afterme in sickness andkept the businessgoing, I leave her theyacht, the businessand $1 million."
The lawyer concluded,"And, to my cousinDan, who hated me,argued with me, andthought that I wouldnever mention him inmy will - well you arewrong. Hi Dan!"
A grasshopper goesinto a bar and hops onto a barstool to order adrink. The bartendersays "You know, wehave a drink namedafter you?
The grasshopperreplies, "Really! Youhave a drink namedEddie?"
The last thing to hap-pen is the ultimate. Thenext-to-last is thepenultimate, and thesecond-to-last is theantepenultimate.
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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTThe Most Unusual Digest in America
UNCLEANDYS.COM
9 Grove Street in Auburn • (207) [email protected]
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MARCH 201026
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Billboard Top 40 hits 1987: Both the ABC song When Smokey Sings and Smokey Robinson's song One Heartbeat were in the Top 10 at the same time.
Billboard Top 40 hits 1992: Weird Al had the hit Smells Like Nirvana at the same time thatNirvana had the hit Come As You Are.
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Out ’n About with“Miami Mike”
That’s right all youMaineiacs, you guessed it,the Maine famous UncleAndy’s Digest is takingover the world. Yes this is areal photo… no Photoshopalterations. Also true is thatUncle Andy’s was the onlyMaine publication with a pricetag of “FREE” to have a repre-sentative in attendance,which would be me, MiamiMike.
Actually, Uncle Andy’s paysyou by saving you money inthe Uncle Andy’s Super SaverPages. If you can’t find agood deal there, you betterhead over to Auburn Mall EyeCare cuz your eyes ain’tworkin’.
I was privileged enough tobe an eye witness to the NFL’sfirst Pro Bowl outside Hawaiisince 1980.
You might ask the fellasover at Horse Power Auto-care, Inc., who have beenserving locals since 1979, ifthey have any recollection ofthe Pro Bowl prior to Hawaii.I know there may be possiblyone or two Patriots fans whomight take a gander at this lit-tle masterpiece of journalism,one of which who might bethinking a Pro Bowl withoutMr. Tom Brady on the grid-iron is about as appealing asBrussels sprouts to a six yearold. I will say that you all willbe ecstatic to hear thatamongst the barrage of jer-seys I saw more Patriots’ red,white and blue, from Welkerto good ole Teddy Bruschi.Someone has got to tellMutha that without a doubt Isaw more Red Sox parapher-nalia than the stinky J-E-T-Sgreen garb and thankfullynothing at all of that so-calledbaseball team somewhere inthe Bronx. Until next month,may the Digest be with you!
All Grown Up
A man took his little boy to the zoo for the very firsttime. Each time they would see a new animal the lit-tle boy would ask, "What's that?" And each time thefather would explain. When they came to a pen witha very large bird inside the father said, "And that,
Timmy, is a Stork."
The boy stood there for a few moments and thenbegan to wave and say, "Hi! I'm Timmy!" After sev-eral times of repeating this he finally turned to hisfather and exclaimed, "Guess I'm all grown up, Dad,he doesn't recognize me."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MARCH 2010 27783-7039 Did You Know: The world's largest consumer of sugar is Coca-Cola.
Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811
FACTORY DEMO DAYS JUNE 4TH & 5THLicensed Riders Wanted
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I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
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MARCH 201028
Did You Know: There are about as many nerve cells in your brain as there are stars in our galaxy (give or take a billion).
www.donovansauto.com946-7515 • 1-800-8856
To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
SENIORS SONNET
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Dis-count."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;And there, once again, got quite a surprise.The clerk poured some coffee which he handedto me.He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;But some things are changing, temporarily, I'msure.The newspaper print gets smaller each day,And people speak softer---can't hear what theysay.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),and my glasses identify people I meet.Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by thesun.You should see all the damage that chlorine hasdone.Washing my hair has turned it all white,But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"My car has no scratches...not even a dent.Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hellbent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.They seem much more wrinkled, from what I cansee.I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building todayAre so high that they take...your breath all away;And the streets are much steeper than ten yearsago.That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,I'm not really old...I'm only mature.
~Author Unknown
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison were all 27 years oldwhen they died.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MARCH 2010 29783-7039 Did You Know: A number is divisible by 3 if the sum of its digits is divisible by 3.
Did You Know: A number is divisible by 8 if its last three digits are divisible by 8.
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Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade show
Jim Betsch
Jane Clavet
Peter Landry
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words):
To write with a brokenpencil is pointless.
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MARCH 201030Did You Know: Your heart beats over 2.2 billion times by the time you are 60 years old.
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Days (207) 375-8728 • Evenings (207) 375-4581Cell (207) 576-9759
The Poland PTSAVendor Fair is Satur-day, March 27 from9:00am-2:00pm at theBruce M. Whittier Mid-dle School on Route26 in Poland. Free ad-mission to great shop-ping, food, and fun.Vendors such as Sil-pada, Creative Memo-ries, Pampered Chefand more will be there.Proceeds benefit stu-dents in grades K-8.Interested vendors orcrafters may callMichelle at 998-4013for space information.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. – Uncle Andy
House Building 101Submitted by Jimbo
Uncle Andy and Travisdrove to Pineland Lum-ber. They were in a hurryso Uncle Andy walked inthe office and said, "Weneed some four-by-twos."
Neal said, "You meantwo-by-fours, don't you?"
Uncle Andy said, "I'll gocheck," and went back tothe truck to ask Travis.He returned a minutelater and said, "Yeah, Imeant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do youneed them?"
Uncle Andy paused for aminute and said, "I'd bet-ter go check."
After awhile, he returnedto the office and said, "Along time. We're gonnabuild a house."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MARCH 2010 31783-7039
Did You Know: Every odd number greater than 7 is the sum of three prime numbers.
If you aren't going to go all the way, why go at all?– Joe Namath
XTREME DEALS ON REMAINING ‘09’S2010’S ARE HERE!
596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811
SEE DETAILS ATOUR STORE
OUR BIGGESTSALES EVENT
EVER.Tawnya Matthews
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade showUncle Andy asked a few ofthem to close their eyes if
they thought this was agreat tradeshow...
Strange Lawsuits
A man was invited tohis parents' house tocelebrate the Fourth ofJuly. And when one ofthe fireworks hebrought with him to theparty did not ignite, hewent over to inspect it,and it exploded in hisface. He sued his par-ents, the co-worker whosold him the fireworks,and his employer.
Fern the Wine Guy
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MARCH 201032
How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend. – William Rostler
A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel.
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade showUncle Andy asked a few ofthem to close their eyes if
they thought this was agreat tradeshow...
Emile Clavet
Could it be that allthose trick-or-treaterswearing sheets are
dressing up as mattresses?
Irish AmericanEatery & Pub
Introducing L/A’s 2 newest restaurants & pubs!
Great Food, Friends, Spirits & Entertainment
34 Court St. (Across from Gritty’s) • Auburn
Facebook us at OSheas Bar
DOORS OPEN AT 5PM FOR DINNER
L/A’s Biggest
Event!St. Patrick s Day
An all-day, all-night St. Pattyʼs Day celebration
Authentic Irish tunes playingthroughout the day
Authentic Irish menu ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT
Join us at 6-10am for Guinness & Eggs!
Sun Acoustic JamMon The Matt Fournier Project BandTues Karaoke & DJ DancingWed Open Mic & DJ MusicThur DJ & Live BandsFri DJ’s & KaraokeSat DJ & Live Bands (80s Night)
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
The one day everyone’s Irish!
OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEKOpening for
Lunch in March
MARCH SPECIAL
$1 PABSTS$1 GUINNESS
ALL THE TIME
Come dance with O’Shea’s
Magic Lucky Leprechaun
6am-Noon Irish Music All Mornin’Noon-4pm Mike & Rich “The Irish Twins”4pm-7pm Remo’s Irish Flair Duo & Guests7pm-10pm Open Mic Night hosted by Irish Mike
(A crazy amount of local musicians attending thisIrish Jam - Bagpipes will make a showing!
10pm-1am The Waps perform LIVE
St. Pattyʼs Day Line-up
GIVEAWAYS ALL DAY LONG
Hats • Beads
St. Patty’s Day Garb
CLUBTEXAS
EveryFridaynight! DJ B-SET
We hope to see YOU at Club Texas!
THURSDAYSAction Packed Thursdayswith DJ B-Set
FRIDAYSLadies NightBeer & Drink Specials
SATURDAYSLive EntertainmentENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info
UPCOMING EVENTS
FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS
ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !
ANALOG SALADFRI. MAR. 5TH
MONSTERSAT. MAR. 6TH
DISORDERLY CONDUCTFRI. MAR. 12TH
DIRTY MCCURDYSAT. MAR. 13TH
MATT & THE BARNBURNERSFRI. MAR. 19TH
SIDECAR RADIO, LOST ON LIFTOFF & TWISTED ROOTSAT. MAR. 20TH
BEYOND THE FALL, SINFIST& FIFTH FREEDOM
FRI. MAR. 26TH
L-A HARLEY FAN JAM 2010w/ the L-A Harley Band
& Vegetables by DaySAT. MAR. 27TH
AC/DC BACK IN BLACKTRIBUTE BAND
SAT. APR. 3RD
783-7039
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MARCH 201034
"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights."
More than 99.9% of all the animal species that have ever lived on earth were extinct before the coming of man.
This Month’s SpecialsFREE 12 oz. can of Soda
with Purchase of any 10” Fresh Dough Pizza
Large Meatball Sub$4.39
Roadies 6 pc. Chicken Tender Snack$6.39
Out & About at the Lions Tournament
Strap on your skates, Elmo. You can be a bench warmer
for our team!
I’m a little chilly. Can I be a bench
warmer, too?
Silly NewsFrom Around
the World
AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after ninemonths, saying helacked "intellectualleadership". He re-ceived a $26 millionseverance package.Perhaps it's not Walter who's lackingintelligence...
Bird TalkSubmitted by Jimbo
My mom likes sitting by the park feeding thepigeons. One day she brought with her awhole bun of fresh bread just to feed herdaily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch,she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat therewithout being noticed by anyone in our rich
suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly aman in his early 40's rained on my mom'sparade by telling her that she shouldn'tthrow away good food on a bunch of pi-geons that can find food anywhere whenthere are a lot of people starving in Africa.
Then my mother said in crazed anger andwithout hesitation, "Well, I can't throw thatfar!"
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MARCH 2010 35783-7039
The Gregorian calendar was introduced by Pope Gregory in 1582 AD, and was adopted by Great Britain and the English colonies in 1752.
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get in a whole NEW rut!
March Home GamesFri. Mar 5 vs. Chicoutimi 7pmSun. Mar 7 vs. Montreal 4pmWed. Mar 10 vs. Drummondville 7pmTue. Mar 16 MAINEiacs Dinner & Awards Banquet @ Ramada Inn, Lewiston
PLEASE JOIN US...
For Individual Tickets call: 783-2009 For Group Tickets call 333-3267 x215
...FOR L/A’S MOST EXCITINGSHOW ON ICE!
LEWISTONHOCKEY.com
Sound Marketing
An interoffice softballgame was held everyyear between the mar-keting and support staffof one company.
The support staffwhipped the marketingdepartment soundly.
To show just "how" themarketing departmentearns their keep, theyposted this memo onthe bulletin board afterthe game:
"The Marketing Depart-ment is pleased to an-nounce that for the2009 Softball Season,we came in 2nd place,having lost but onegame all year. TheSupport Department,however, had a ratherdismal season, as theywon only one game."
IQ Test
Read this out loud:
This is this catThis is is catThis is how catThis is to catThis is keep catThis is a catThis is goober catThis is busy catThis is for catThis is forty catThis is seconds cat
Now go back and readthe THIRD word only,in each line from thestart.
783-7039
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MARCH 201036
Though the Richter scale goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction from an earthquake (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Close Encounters...The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
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Pole DriverSubmitted by Maggie Joyce
A phone company putan ad in the paper inorder to recruit work-ers. The next day, twogroups of workersshowed up - a crew ofthree skilled workersand an odd crew con-sisting of Uncle Andy,Jimbo and Travis.
The company could notdecide whom to givethe job to, so they gavethe two groups a test.The company bosssaid, "Each crew willreceive a telephonepole that must be in-stalled into the ground.Whoever is able to doit first will get the job."
Both groups agreedthat this was a fair test,so off they went incompany trucks withtelephone poles stick-ing out the back. A fewhours passed, and fi-nally, at 5:00, theskilled crew returned."Yes!" they shouted."We came back first,so we get the job!!"
"Good work, men."said the boss, "How-ever, we must wait untilthe other crew comesback to make sure thatthe reason they're de-layed is not because oftraffic or the truckbreaking down."
"Fine, no problem,"replied the crew. Anhour passed. Twohours passed and then
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MARCH 2010 37783-7039
Did You Know? Sweat glands can produce up to three gallons of sweat each day.
Did You Know? Hot fudge has no fudge – itʼs mostly corn syrup.
Marine Fish •
Coral •
Supplies •
272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
A salt water tank with marine fish is color-ful, exciting and will last
for years to come!
Marine Fish •
Coral •
Supplies •
272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
three hours. Finally, at8:30, Uncle Andy,Jimbo and Travis ar-rived. They wereflushed and breathinghard, as if they had justgone through harshlabor.
"What happened toyou? What took solong?" asked the bossincredulously.
"What do you mean,'what took so long'? Dowe get the job?"
"YOU get the job? Noway! The other crewwere back hereHOURS ago!"
"Well, of course theywere," said thegoobers. "They onlyput the pole in a quar-ter of the way!!"
(continued from previous page)
The Other Woman
One Saturday, as Momwas finishing the din-ner dishes, my fatherstepped up behind her.
"Would you like to goout, girl?" he asked.
Not even turningaround, my motherquickly replied, "Oh,yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderfulevening, and it wasn'tuntil the end of it thatDad confessed.
His question had actu-ally been directed tothe family dog, lyingnear Mom's feet on thekitchen floor.
Smart DogOne afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging thelaundry when an old, tired-looking dog wanderedinto the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walkedinto the house, he followed me, sauntered down thehall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, hewent to the door, and I let him out. The next day hewas back.
He resumed his position in the hallway and slept foran hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinneda note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dogcomes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinnedto his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201038A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.
HARRIS BROTHERS
HARRISBROS.
Call us!No Separating Required!
743-3891PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARISMINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur in about 10 days without sleep, while starvation can take much longer.
DON’T FORGET YOUR FRIENDS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS!Happy Birthday Patti Gagne
from your friends at...
Patti Gagne & Laurie OuelletteFlower Shoppe
777-1520940 Lisbon St., Lewiston
George O’Connell & Ray Bourqueof the Lewiston MAINEiacs & former Boston Bruin and Hall of Famer
The more I hear about this Uncle Andy guy,the more I’d love to check
him into the boards!
Yeah, I agree. Hecould use some
straightening out!
Annette Bourque & Mary EllingwoodSt. Mary’s Sisters of Charity
Health System
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s
Auburn Campus
Hi, my name is Mary
Look on the cover for 3 great reasons to choose
St. Mary’s & Auburn Medical Associates
If GH can stand for P as in HiccoughIf OUGH stands for O as in DoughIf PHTH stands for T as in PhthisisIf EIGH stands for A as in NeighborIf TTE stands for T as in GazetteIf EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATOshould be:
GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn
786-0112
Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pmSat 9 am - 3 pm
www.gregoryshairstyles.comBack L to R: Cheryl, Nuria, Tina, Pat, Terry & Kelly. Middle: Amy & Michael. Front: Linda, Cory & Kathy
Tina Dowd
Any Color Service with Tina in March
$10 OFF
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 39783-7039 A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.
AUTHORIZED
8 teachers offering lessons in:Guitar, piano, violin, banjo, mandolin, voice, brass and woodwinds
134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
Main St. Music Lessons& Instrument Repair 376-3376
We sell & rent new & used starter
packs for guitar and violin.
SERVICE CENTERWe service string instruments, amps, brass & woodwinds.
If you want to be a real GUITAR HERO, put down the video game and learn how to play a REAL GUITAR. We can teach you how!
Strings & accessories
available!
Yellowstone was the world's 1st national park. It was dedicated in 1872.
MAINE’S LARGEST COSTUME RENTAL SHOP!
Costumes of Maine20 Main St. Lisbon Falls • 353-2216
Easter - We Have Big Fluffy Bunnies!School Projects • Plays • Theme Party Costumes
costumesofmaine.com
Theatrical makeup, wigs, unique retail costumes & accessories
Drapeau ’ sMention this ad and yourfirst drum lesson is FREE*
*with your first month of lessons
DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • [email protected]
Now accepting studentsLearn to play
THE RIGHT WAY
Student of the Month
Tim Mills of Norway & Dick Demers
Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:
Get even with a bearwho raided your foodbag by kicking his fa-vorite stump apart andeating all the ants.
Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:
Lint from your navelmakes a handy firestarter.Warning: Remove lintfrom navel before applying the match.Pauline & Sue
Breakfast all day!
1485 Lisbon Street • Lewiston(next to Tire Warehouse) • 786-0667
We do catering from small groups to
big weddings!
Stop by and say hello. We’d love to see you again!Enjoy our weekly specials!
Delicious HomemadeSoup
Everything made fromscratch like Memère doesWarm & Friendly Service
Biscuit, Gravy,Home Fries
& Eggs
$5.95
�
�
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201040
A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speedsup to 60 mph.
After spending hours working at a computer monitor, look at a blank piece ofwhite paper. It will probably appear pink.
JASON HALL922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005
(Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
STILL LOOKING FOR ME?
CCURATE CCOUNTING
& Tax Services, P.A.• Income Tax Returns • Sales & Use Tax • Payroll Taxes • Accounting Systems
Mon. FergyTues. Meatball or
Meatball w/CheeseWed. SpaghettiThurs. Mini PizzaFri. $1 OFF Any Large PizzaSat. 2 Ham or Salami ItaliansSun. Baked Ziti,
Bread & Salad
Daily Specials You’re gonna LOVEthese daily
specials!
Alexandragranddaughter of Bev at Luiggi’s
Elizabeth & RussSt. Mary’s Sisters of Charity Health System
Thank you to everyone who visited St. Mary’s new
Auburn Campus!
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus
I couldn’t have said it better
myself, Elizabeth!Elizabeth
Russ
Smile AwardWinners
Silly NewsFrom Around
the World
Police in Los Angeleshad good luck with arobbery suspect whojust couldn't controlhimself during a line-up. When detectivesasked each man in theline-up to repeat thewords, "Give me allyour money or I'llshoot," the manshouted, "That's notwhat I said!"
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:Modern rain suits made of fabrics that"breathe" enable campers to stay dry ina downpour. Rain suits that sneeze,cough, and belch, however, have beenproven to add absolutely nothing tothe wilderness experience.
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:
Take this simple test to see if youqualify for solo camping: Shine aflashlight into one ear. If the beamshines out the other ear, do not gointo the woods alone. (Uncle Andyfailed this test)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 41783-7039
An average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of water in a lifetime.
A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.
Located on Rt. 115 in North Windham • 892-8220
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man nevertrimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
87 Mill St.New Auburn, ME(207) 753-0171
(for take-out)
• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Rolly’s Diner
Richard Morlock
I love Rolly’s breakfast... and Iguess Uncle Andy’s
Digest is pretty good, too.
If Dr. SeussWrote Technical
Manuals
If a packet hits apocket on a socket ona port,and the bus is inter-rupted as a very lastresort,and the address of thememory makes yourfloppy disk abort,the socket packetpocket has an error toreport.
If your cursor finds amenu item followed bya dash,and the double clickingicons put your windowin the trash,and your data is cor-rupted 'cause the indexdoesn't hash,then your situation'shopeless and your sys-tem's gonna crash.
If the label on yourcable on the gable atyour housesays the network isconnected to the but-ton on your mouse,but your packets wantto tunnel to anotherprotocol,that's repeatedly re-jected by the printerdown the hall.
And your screen is alldistorted by the side ef-fects of gauss,so your icons in thewindow are as wavy asa souse,then you may as wellreboot and go out witha bang,'cause as sure as I'm a
(continued on next page)
There are more statues of Sacajawea, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person.
Vermont, admitted as the 14th state in 1791, was the 1st addition to the original 13 colonies.783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
JULY 200942
poet, the sucker'sgonna hang!
When the copy of yourfloppy's getting sloppyon the disk,and the microcode in-structions cause un-necessary RISC,then you have to flashyour memory and you'llwant to RAM yourROM,quickly turn off yourcomputer and be sureto tell your mom!
(continued from previous page)
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade show
Rose Pelletier
Kim Robitaille
Assisted Home CareFor more information visit us at:
550 College St., Lewiston, ME783-7375
Assisted Home CareMarch Employee of the Month
CourtneyLane-Hebert
Courtney has been with AssistedHome Care since October of 2005.She works mainly with our privateduties and has the magic touch ofcompassion.
Her residents request her for theircare and she is always willing to gothe extra mile for them. If theyshould end up in the hospital,Courtney is right there with them,making sure they are safe and com-fortable. She continually checks onthem, making sure the client andfamilies’ needs are taken care of.
Congratulations Courtney for beingour employee of the month. Thankyou for being part of our family andkeep up the good work!
We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.
Home Care Means...More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.Convenience - continuity of care.Comfort - being in your own home.Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.Nursing care by qualified caregivers.
782-9009 • 20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
• Facials• Manicures • Pedicures
• Massage• Artificial Nails• Cuts & Styles
• Colors & Highlights• Waxing• Reflexology
• Arbonne Make-up• Eyelash Tinting• Extensions
Spring is near… it’s time to feel renewed & rejuvenated!
Come in for your highlights, manicures, pedicures, waxing & facials
Package #11/2 hour facial &
1/2 hour massage
Don’t forget you can always add a cut & color, too!
$60
Package #21 hour
pedicure& 1 hour massage
$95
Package #31 hour facial
& 1 hour massage
$110
Package #41 hour
couples massage
$110
Christine Daniel Emily
Kasey LynnMichelle
Cindy Elizabeth
Kathy
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201044
Bartering was first recorded in Egypt over 4,500 years ago.
The first record of a coin is by Croesus, King of Lydia (now part of Turkey).
Out & About with theAndroscoggin
Advisory Partnersat their mini trade show
Sue Dunn
Jeanine Betsch
Cookie Dean & Heidi Cook
Forgiveness does notchange the past,
but it does enlarge the future.
*APR=Annual Percentage Rate. 3 year rate shown; payments per $1,000 = $29.86. Rates subject to change without notice. Refinancing from other institutions is welcome. Some restrictions may apply. Subject to credit approval. Member Eligibility Required.
Special Loan Promotionon Boats, Motorcycles & ATV’s
No payments until May, 2010 on any Boat, Motorcycle or ATV purchased
on or after March 20th
ThinkSpring into your new
boat, motorcycle or
ATV with us!
APR* is as low as 4.75% for up
to 36 months
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 45783-7039
The worldʼs smallest coin weighed only .002 grams and was from Nepal.
The worldʼs heaviest coin was from Sweden and weighed 43 pounds 7 1/4 oz.
Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in AuburnNow next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet
We’ve Moved... But Not Far!
120 Center Street • Auburn
784-9900www.auburngoinpostal.com
Shippingmade easy!
PAYROLLMANAGEMENT, INC.
We want to be the easiestpart of your week!
783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com
Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...Payroll Management has been serving the payroll needs for small and midsize companies since 1989.
100 Manley Road, Auburn
Hours: Closed Sun & Mon • Tues-Sat 9-71600 Main Street • Oxford • 744-0041
California Highlights $49 & Up
$10 off Colors & Perms$15 wash, cut & dry
We Carry Paul Mitchell ProductsGift Certificates are available
Stacy Cobb & Jo-Ann LajoieNorthwestern Mutual Financial Network
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advi-sory Partners at their mini trade show
Daryl Lamore, Tom Giberti & John PetrocelliPetro’s, Landscapes of L/A, Petro’s
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201046
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: You don't have smelly gym socks,you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
The largest check ever written was from the American ambassador to the Indian government for $1,279,187,490.
March!
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade show
Dr. Steve Flynn
Chris Goding & Dee Dee Whittemore
Jo-AnnLajoie
Ronald Jean
Call 783-6190
TODAY
Five Star Tax Service • 27 Cram Avenue, Lewiston • 783-6190
Home Visitation Available
Five Star Tax Service� Personal & Commercial
Income Tax Preparation
� Business Proprietorship
� Rental Properties
� Professional & Accurate
� Reasonable Rates
0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances
0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances
67 Centre Street • Bath, ME 04530Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963
GE® ENERGY STAR® 4.0 IEC CU. FT. KING-SIZE CAPACITY FRONT LOAD WASHER
WITH STAINLESS STEEL BASKETModel: WCVH6800JBB (Black): ENERGY STAR® Qualified: Meets or exceedsfederal guidelines for year-round energy and money savings. Handles a king-size comforter or 24 full-size bath towels with ease. LED indicators let youknow exactly which cycle is in progress. Tracks water pressure and stores in-formation from previous cycles to calculate optimal cycle times. Increaseswash temperature to clean tough stains on loads like white cottons. Reversingwash action offers great cleaning performance with gentle wash motion.
$799
Invest your INCOME TAX RETURN
with us!
For every $100 you spend you’ll
receive an additional$10 OFFOne coupon per customer
FRIGIDAIRE® AFFINITY 3.5 CU. FT.FRONT LOAD WASHER
Model: FAFW3511KW (White): WashSense technology ensures clothes getclean with care. Advanced Rinse Technology: Final rinse uses fresh water to en-sure whiter whites and reduce allergens. Balance Control System: Vibrationcontrol technology keeps even oversized loads balanced for smooth, quiet oper-ation. Ideal for use on second floors. Quick Cycle: A fast, 25-minute wash cycle.Add-a-Garment: With just the touch of a button, easily add an extra piece to thewasher once a cycle has started.
$699
$50Energy StarEfficiency Rebate
$100Cash Back Rebate
$50Efficiency MaineRebate
$50Mail In Rebate
FRIGIDAIRE® 24˝ BUILT-IN DISHWASHER
Model: FDN1100RHS (White): ENERGY STAR®
certified. 3 wash levels, UltraQuiet™ II soundpackage; Precision Wash® , removable filter trap,stainless steel food disposer, adjustable rinse aiddispenser. Heavy, normal, light and rinse-onlycycles, heat/no heat dry cycles, hi-temp wash.
$299
FRIGIDAIRE® 30” FREESTANDING GAS RANGE
Model: FGF368GB (Black): High-output sealed power burnerswith a 16,000 BTU Power Plus Burner and 14,000 and 12,000BTU Power Burners, our ranges provide a wide variety of heat-ing options for large pots and pans.
$549
$50Mail In Rebate
$599
$50Mail In Rebate
GE® 30” FREESTANDING ELECTRIC RANGEModel: JB640DPBB (Black): Self clean allows you to spare yourself fromthe trouble and effort it takes to scrub the oven interior. Remarkably largeoven interior is ideal for holidays, dinner parties and everyday family cook-ing. Electronic touch pads on the control panel make controlling your oveneffortless. A large, 2700-watt element provides exceptional cooking power.Elegant shaped window makes it easy to monitor the progress of food. Top-and-bottom heating produces uniform browning and fast oven preheating.
Maine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & LewistonMaine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & Lewiston
$749
$50Mail InRebate
$100InstantRebate
FRIGIDAIRE® GALLERY 30”FREESTANDING GAS RANGE
Model: FGGF3031KB (Black): Quick Boil: Boils waterfast. Low Simmer Burner: Perfect for delicate foodsand sauces. Continuous grates make it easy to moveheavy pots and pans between burners without lifting.Programmable from 1 to 24 hours.
GE® BUILT-IN DISHWASHER
Model: GDWF100RBB (Black): Bright annealedstainless steel interior, PureClean wash systemwith 5-stage filtration, SaniWash cycle reduces99.999% of harmful germs and bacteria, 2/4/8-hour delay start, nylon racks designed to resistrust and secure dishes.
$549
$50Mail In Rebate
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201050
There are 138 stock exchanges in the world.
Many countries have a central bank to keep watch on private banks.
111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-4104
Waving goodbye to winterand smiling for the arrival of spring
Come into The Hairemand see what a new look can bring!
Front row (l to r) Donna Collet, Betty Chadwick, Donna Noel, Carmen Kelly. Back row (l to r) Janice Blais, Bridget Cailler, Amy Laroche, Becky Smith-Papsis
Flight Pattern
Fifteen minutes into theflight from Portland toLas Vegas, the captainannounced, "Ladies andgentlemen, one of ourengines has failed.There is nothing toworry about. Our flightwill take an hour longerthan scheduled, but westill have three enginesleft."
Thirty minutes later thecaptain announced,"One more engine hasfailed and the flight willtake an additional twohours. But don't worry...we can fly just fine ontwo engines."
An hour later the cap-tain announced, "Onemore engine has failedand our arrival will bedelayed another threehours. But don't worry...we still have one engineleft."
Uncle Andy turned tothe man in the next seatand remarked, "If welose one more engine,we'll be up here all day!"
A man is giving aspeech at his lodgemeeting. He gets a bitcarried away and talksfor two hours.
Finally, he realizeswhat he is doing andsays, "I'm sorry I talkedso long. I left my watchat home."
A voice from the backof the room says,
"There's a calendar behind you."
$100 OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Whole Home Generator Package
Electrical Systems Of Maine1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page
Advertise your special
discount here! Call us today at
783-7039.
20% OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Buy more Save more!
19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022
UPTO
See page 10 for more information
Lim
it on
e per
tran
sacti
on -
Expi
res 3
/31/
10
945 Center Street. Auburn
795-7777
Center Street Cafe
$1 OFFAny purchase of $5 or more
Tues. • Wed. • Thurs. Only
SAVE $1
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/1047 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044
YUMMY!
Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern
1 Large Bean Special1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread
$6 (Regular price = $7)
R E S T A U R A N T
$1.00 OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Monday - Thursday Only
Route 4 • 868 Auburn Road • Turner • 225-2323
Any purchase of$7.00 or more
YOULY’S
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Ski & Bike Service9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.
784-0103
$10 OFFSki or Snowboard Tuneup
Lim
it on
e per
tran
sacti
on -
Expi
res 3
/31/
10
1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston
786-0667
Fran’s Restaurant
$1 OFFBiscuit, Gravy, Home Fries & Eggs
Reg. price = $6.95
Lim
it on
e per
tran
sacti
on -
Expi
res 3
/31/
10
Al’s HVAC 782-6336
Save $400in heating fuel over a years time
Furnace Cleaning Special $149.95
Lim
it on
e per
tran
sacti
on -
Expi
res 3
/31/
10
SAVE 10%on your next VW or AUDI service
878-9088
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201052
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill.
The body's largest internal organ is the small intestine at an average length of 20 feet.
MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage,Homefries, Toast.............$3.55
TUESDAY: Two eggs, CornbeefHash, Toast.....................$3.55
WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55
THURSDAY: French Toast ......$3.55FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ..$3.55SATURDAY: Two Golden
pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55SUNDAY: French Crepes ........$3.55
Prices do not include tax.
Fresh steakcut and ground daily.
Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm
5 Washington St., Auburn
783-4304 Phone Orders Are Welcome
$1OFF
Any Purchase
of $500
or more1 coupon per order
�Expires 3/31/10
You asked… we listened! A new
brand of coffee!
BREAKFAST SPECIALS“All breakfast specials include coffee.”
Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am
120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com71” Plasma • 13 Plasma TVs in all
vs.Come early to get your seat!
Easter Sunday, April 4thSit in the bleachers & enjoy:
Bleacher Beers • Fenway FranksStadium Sausages
Opening Day First Pitch at 8pm
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade show
Jane Cyr
Julie Poulin
NinaHicks
Ever wonder what thespeed of lightningwould be if it didn't
zigzag?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 53783-7039
The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.
The tips of fingers and the soles of feet are covered by a thick, tough layer of skin called the stratum corneum.
Full Foil & Cut
$59*only
ORBITHAIR
STYLING
Limited Time Offer. Very long hair may be additional.
*New clients only-not visited in the past year.
Visit
www.OrbitHair.comto book your appointment online
or call
782-9046
124 Ash St. Lewiston
10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston (Across from L-A Harley) • 576-5412 • [email protected]: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours
Cash paidfor used guitars, amps & drums in any condition!
Silly News FromAround the World
A man walked into aTopeka, Kansas KwikShop, and asked for allthe money in the cashdrawer. Apparently, thetake was too small, sohe tied up the storeclerk and worked thecounter himself forthree hours until policeshowed up andgrabbed him.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201054
MORE Silly Laws! Hartford, CN: Itʼs illegal to walk across the street on your hands.
MORE Silly Laws! Kentucky: Anyone who comes face to face with a cow on the road,must remove their hat.
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC• 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items
• Firearm Laws Will Be Observed
• CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE
GUNS OF ALL KINDS
• KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS
Admission: Adults: $7Children under 12: Free with adult
Dealers from
throughout
New England
Auburn Exchange Club’s34th Annual Twin Cities
GUN SHOWSAT. MARCH 27th 9-4SUN. MARCH 28th 9-3
at the
LewistonArmoryCentral Ave.,
Lewiston
A Farmer Goes To War
Excerpts taken From AFarmer Goes To War writtenby the old man Reginald WEmery, Sr. A veteran of theKorean War. From June1950 to July 1953. Somelived to write about andmany died. Some were cap-tured and never came home.The Korean War has alwaysbeen the forgotten war.Some day the veterans ofthis war will be honored bythe people of this country.
It was August 6, 1951. Iwas 20 years old. I had beenmarried about 6 months. Ireceived my walking papersto report to the inductioncenter in Lewiston on MainStreet. My wife didn’t driveso I asked my father to giveme a ride to town. My wifeand father brought me totown. My Dad kept sayingthey won’t take you, you’retoo small. You’ll be backtonight. I said goodbye. Firststop was Fort Williams inPortland. After our physicalan old Sergeant lined us up,he said repeat after me andwe all did. Then he said takeone step forward and wedid. You people are now inthe Army of the UnitedStates of America. Basictraining was at Fort Dix inNew Jersey. Really the onlything that bothered me was
Reggie Emery, Sr.
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 55783-7039
MORE Silly Laws! South Dakota: Donʼt fall asleep in a cheese factory, or you could be arrested.
MORE Silly Laws! Winchester, MA: Tightrope walking is illegal here unless you are in church.
Please forgive me Suzy-Q. I promise nextyear I won’t forget our
anniversary!
Ann’s Flowers
14 Millett Drive, Auburn782-3457 • www.annsflower.com
How does Jimbo get out of the dog house?
He calls...
MID MAINE DRUG
SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS
207-577-6000www.mmdrugscreening.com
ATTENTION LANDLORDS & PROPERTY MANAGERS
How many months have yourproblem tenants cost you?
my short legs. I only takeabout a 26 inch step. The av-erage person takes about a31 inch step. In a march Iwould always start out at thefront of the column after 10miles I would end up 200feet behind the rest whichgot me shoved in the backwith an M-1 clean rod about30 inches long. I think I hadthe shortest legs in thewhole army. After 8 weeks of training I
went to wheel vehicle schoolto learn how to repair trucks.We were fitted with gasmasks and marched throughMustard gas for training.After training we were onour way to the Korean War.We got to Korea and wereloaded on 6 trucks. 16 per-sons to a truck plus thedriver and shot gun rider.We were going 10 milesfrom the rail head. The drivershouted, “hit the dirt! In-coming!!” And there was ahell of a blast. I jumped andlanded in a rice paddy. Whata smell, they use humanwaste for fertilizer. Therewere many more blasts tocome. It was my job to runthe generator using a combi-nation of 6 and 12 volt bat-teries and a flat head jeepengine. After changing thatengine 15 times or better Icould do it in 27 minutesand even got a write up inthe Stars and Stripes. Oneday I was talking with my LTand asked him where I mightget some valves for that littlegenerator. He said down theroad about 3 miles. I tookthe old Dodge three-quarterton truck and off I went, stu-pid on my part. I drove downthe road and turned left Idon’t know how far I wentbut things didn’t look verygood to me so I went to turnaround near some brush andwhen I turned around I wassurrounded by Korean solid-ers. I was taken to a dug out
(continued from previous page)
(continued on next page)
Sue Cameron & Stacy Cobb
Out & About withthe Androscoggin Advisory Partnersat their mini trade
show
April & Brenda Tarmey
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201056
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A backward poet writes inverse.
foundation where I thought Iwas going to be killed. Tomy surprise I was forceddown with a piece of woodbehind my knees. I was helddown by someone pushingon my neck. There was anofficer who asked me myname and serial number. Itold him. He could speakEnglish. The whole time hewas asking me questionsthere was a man chained toa metal frame being shockedby an electric probe he hadbitten his tongue off and wasbleeding. I said I didn’t knowwhere we were. If I was anofficer I could tell you thosethings and more. He thoughtthat I was the first one whotold the truth. I was placedin another area with otherprisoners. We were not al-lowed to talk to each other. Itseemed I was there about 2-3 weeks. I was asked howwas the food? If you like ricewith maggots in it have aball. The same officer camethrough one day saying werebeing moved to China to-morrow. During the nightsometime he came and toldme to be quiet. He broughtme to my truck. The goodLord had to be with me. Thatold Dodge truck had astarter button on the floor.Remember this is a 1938truck, 6 volt starter. It wouldnever start. I hit that switchlever on the dash slammeddown the switch on the floorand that engine came to life.I took off down the road asfast as that old truck wouldgo. I thought they would useme for target practice butnothing happened. I thoughtmy own out-post may spotme and call a fire mission inon me. I drove 18-20 milesand turned up the road andpulled into the main gatewhere I was challenged. Theperson on Guard Duty said,“where the hell have youbeen shorty?” I told him I
(continued from previous page)
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Your Source for:
Check us out online at:
longchampsandsonsinc.com
Longchamps & Sons Inc.15 Lisbon Street, Lisbon
Ph: 353-2349 • Fax: 353-5814email: [email protected]
• Excavation
• Foundations &
Form Work
• Boom Truck Work
• Water & Sewer Lines
• Gravel, Sand, Fill, Stone,
Hot Top & Clay
• Diesel Mechanics
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 57783-7039 LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
at 646 Main Street in LewistonOffice Rentals
• Easy to find on Main St. • Lots of parking• Handicap accessible
for 1st floor units
• Sprinkler system• Utilities included• Call Nancy for a tour
Affordable location for small and micro businesses
Callahan Property Management, LLC
207-619-2519
Call Nancy for more info212-3305
Nancy Callahan
State Licensed & Nationally Certified Massage Therapist
ANOTHER NEW DAY
is now located at 646 Main Street in Lewiston
“BORN IN BROOKLYN… RAISED IN MAINE”
600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Friday’s) 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.comHOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm • Sun. 10am-8pm
Attention All Lassies & Lads!!$1 OFFany Corned Beef
Sandwich in MarchYes, even the Reuben!
It’s your luckymonth...
Stop by Heidi’sBrooklyn Deli
and $ave!
Brent &Beckie
Did You Know?• We’re open until 9:00pm 7 days a week• We always have an attendant on duty• We have 34 washers and 40 dryers• You still get 8 minutes credit on the dryers
Open at 7:00am Mon-Fri • Open at 8:00am Sat-Sun
LAUNDROMAT
CLEANERS
COIN-OP
was captured by the Chinesebut I got away. Here comesthe old motor Sergeant. Hesaid, “where the hell haveyou been?” I told him too.He said, “you’re a G.D. liar.You’ve been shacked up insome Korean village.” I saidno more and he covered forme. He said that I was on ajob somewhere else. I laterfound out when I tried tomove that damn truck tomotor pool it went about 25feet and stopped. Them oldtrucks held about ten gallonsof gas. I looked in the fueltank and it had liquid in itbut it wasn’t gas it waswater. We all know thatwater goes to the bottom ofthe fuel tank. How did I drivethat truck 25 miles? It musthave been the man up stairs.It sure was a damn goodtruck. I sure would like tohave it now.
(continued from previous page)
Out & About with theAndroscoggin Advi-
sory Partners at their mini trade show
DaveWarriner
Ms. Caron & Freddie Najera
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201058
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am
9pm-MidnightTuesday & Thursday Specials!
Any Domestic
$200
WellDrinks
$400
Jello Shots Always $1
Don’t forget!
Now that you’ve found me, come on down. Spring is here
and so are the deals!
Don Hamel 699-707 Center St., Auburn • 1-800-339-7693 or 784-2321Don Hamel
EARN 10EARN 10%% MOREMOREwith any amountof bottles with
this coupon
Richard ConwayMechanic Falls Redemption
128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765
Open 7 Days
9am - 5pm
in in MarchMarch
Out & About atD’Avanti Salon
in Lewiston
Olivia2
Cathy & Laurie
I love it, Laurie!
Rhonda
In the pasture of life,don't be a cowpie.
Strange Lawsuits
A jury awarded$178,000 in damagesto a woman who suedher former fiance forbreaking their seven-week engagement.The breakdown:$93,000 for pain & suf-fering; $60,000 for lossof income from herlegal practice, and$25,000 for psychiatriccounselling expenses.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 59783-7039
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Mechanical Repair... After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A will is a dead giveaway.
782-2088150 Mill Street
Lewiston
www.davinciseatery.com
SundayMorningBrunch
Full menu availablealong with A la Cartebreakfast selections.
10am to 2pm
ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPESBathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. • Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies
wiper & paper
Spend $50 or moreGet $10 OFF any order!
�Please mention Uncle Andy’s
Digest
No
Minimum
Order
NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A AREA!Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for your paper and janitorial supplies! Just
call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!
120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com
Out & About atD’Avanti Salon
in Lewiston
Logan & Amanda
Jim
Scott
A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the
longer the spoke, thegreater the tire.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201060
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of GravityAny tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Random NumbersIf you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
The Perfect PetSubmitted by Jimbo
A man goes into a petshop and tells theowner that he wants tobuy a pet that can doeverything. The shopowner suggests a faith-ful dog.
The man replies,"Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "Howabout a cat?"
The man replies, "Noway! A cat certainlycan't do everything. Iwant a pet that can doeverything!"
The shop owner thinksfor a minute, then says, "I've got it! Acentipede!"
The man says, "A cen-tipede? I can't imaginea centipede doingeverything, but okay...I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipedehome and says to thecentipede, "Clean thekitchen."
Thirty minutes later, hewalks into the kitchenand... it's immaculate!All the dishes and sil-verware have beenwashed, dried, and putaway; the counter-topscleaned; the appli-ances sparkling; thefloor waxed. He's ab-solutely amazed.
He says to the cen-tipede, "Go clean theliving room."
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In Auburn: 600 Center Street ~ Shaw’s Plaza 207-784-6766
See Day’s Jewelers Service Department for:
AppraisalsYou should have your jewelry appraised every5 years for insurance purposes.
EngravingsRings, wedding party gifts, lockets, watchesand more
Custom Designed JewelryA Quigley Design is one of a kind!Turn something old into something new, too!
d a y s j e w e l e r s . c o m
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 61783-7039
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of the Alibi... If you tell the boss you were latefor work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Variation Law... If you change traffic lanes, the oneyou were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE
ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com
WOOD PELLET SALE!$239/tonCall Today!$ave on
heatingcosts
EnvironmentallyFriendly
We Specialize in:• Commercial/Industrial & ResidentialElectrical Installations
• Infrared Thermal Imaging to detectpotential problems
• Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed
• Generator installation• Automated systems & controls• Telephone & computer wiring• Engineering/Design build
100% Maine Wood Pellets
Twenty minutes later,he walks into the livingroom. The carpet hasbeen vacuumed; thefurniture cleaned anddusted; the pillows onthe sofa plumped;plants watered. Theman thinks to himself,"This is the mostamazing thing I've everseen. This really is apet that can do every-thing!"
Next he says to thecentipede, "Run downto the corner and getme a newspaper."
The centipede walksout the door. 10 min-utes later...no cen-tipede. 20 minuteslater... no centipede.30 minutes later...nocentipede. By this pointthe man is wonderingwhat's going on. So hegoes to the front door,opens it... and there'sthe centipede sittingright outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to thecorner store 45 min-utes ago to get me anewspaper. What's thematter?!"
The centipede says,"I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on myshoes!"
(continued from previous page)
Did you hear aboutthe new restaurant
on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201062
"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in that action." -- Mother Teresa
Goober Quotes: "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in a moment." – Tom Brokaw, NBC News
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00
Sat. 11:00-10:00
Hol ly Mi reau l t , Owner
Breakfast,lunch & dinner.
All right here!
84 Court St, Auburn 333-3041
www.hollysown.com
Deli DownstairsDining Room Upstairs
Live EntertainmentSat. Mar. 6 Okbari Belly DancersSat. Mar. 13 ForeplayFri. Mar. 19 Mike KrapovickiThu. Mar.25 3 Point Jazz Trio
Friday March 26 - Closed to Public from 4pm on for Private Wedding Party
Sat. Mar. 27 Chad PorterSat. Apr. 3 Okbari Belly Dancers
Matt came in first in theHigh Jump with 6' 4" and the Long Jump with 20'8" at Western Maine Confer-ence on Feb. 5th. He was awarded the
plaque for Most ValuablePlayer by all the coaches. State Meet was Feb. 15th
and Matt came in first atHigh Jump and second inLong Jump. Derek is sure tofollow in his brother’s “tracks”.We wish the brothers all thebest in the Outdoor Track thisspring.
BROTHERSOF YORK
Derek running the 4x200 Relay
Derek & Matt York,brothers who are both
on the Poland H.S. Indoor Track team.
Derek, a freshman and bigbrother Matt is a senior.
Matt doing the high jump at 6’4”
120 Center Street Plaza, AuburnMon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM
Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM
783-4226Vision at a Value
Now accepting most major insurances
www.vipeyes.info
$199Some exclusions may apply. See an associate for details.
Expires 3-31-10
March Sale!!Varilux PhysioFrame & Lens Complete Package*
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 63783-7039
"Determine never to be idle... It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing." -- Thomas Jefferson
"Language is the dress of thought; every time you talk your mind is on parade." -- Dr Samuel Johnson
K+L GREEN CLEAN577-8725
"Helping the environment one job at a time"
Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products
ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS
OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON
We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates!
www.KandLGreenClean.com
Be Clean & Be
GREEN!
Enjoy the games on ourLarge Screen TV!
EverydayDeli Specials
97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668
NO COVER - LIVE BANDSCall for band schedule
Jackie Jancaitis, PTWorkMed
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s
Auburn Campus
Alison Fenton, OTWorkMed
Strange Lawsuits
A man joined a groupto learn, among otherthings, to fly throughself-levitation. Unsatis-fied with the results, heclaimed psychologicaland physical damagesand sued the group for$9 million.
1117 Center Street, Auburn782-3848
Hair Studio
www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com
Hair � Nails � Massage
TiffanyLMT
ChristineOwner/stylist
AliciaStylist
MARCH SPECIALSPedicure
$25 30 minute Massage
& Pedicure
$55
www.dadsplace.info …Catering DivisionDad’s PlaceDad’s PlaceThere’s NO PLACE like...
Try Dad’s Place!You’ll get more
bang for your buck.
Affordable, quality catering: From Weddings
to Summer Cookouts to Company Parties & More!
Our prices won’t leave youfeeling “empty”
DOES THIS LOOK LIKEABOUT WHAT YOUR
CATERER IS OFFERING?
Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering
No job too big or too small!
Professional service at an affordable price
Call 345-9009 for pricing & details
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 65783-7039
"Once children learn how to learn, nothing is going to narrow their mind."-- Marva Collins
Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.– Rabindranath Tagore
5 Pigeon Hill Road �Route 26 and 11�, Mechanic Falls • 998-5577
DAILY SPECIALSBreakfast & Lunch
& Bakery
�Home of the Double Yolker�
Open 7 Days6am-2pm
WALL OF FAMEFinish a full-size omelette
and have your picture put on our wall of fame!
CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!
Hours:
9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat
John Reid, Owner
We Buy, Sell & TradeBuying small & large firearm collections
J.T. REID’S GUNS86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579
Jamie Pelletier, Manager
Checkus out!
North Atlantic Property Services“Where Quality and Professionalism are Number 1”
For all your Commercial and ResidentialProperty Maintenance Needs
UNCLOGGING DRAINS • BATHROOM MAKEOVERS & REPAIRS • CARPET/FLOORINGLANDSCAPING & LAWN CONTRACTS • PAINTING • DRYWALL REPAIR • LIGHT CARPENTRY
ALL OTHER REPAIRS AROUND YOUR HOME OR BUSINESS24 HOUR EMERGENCY REPAIR SERVICE • FULLY INSURED • OVER 30 YEARS EXPERIENCE
Call 713-7000
Out & About atD’Avanti Salon
in Lewiston
Jake
Bethany
Strange Lawsuits
A bank discovered thatmillions of dollars de-posited in an accountwere in fact embezzledfunds. The bank trans-ferred the funds backto the lawful owner andgot sued! The embez-zler's alleged accom-plice filed a lawsuitagainst the bank for re-turning the money, andasked for $20 million indamages. The bankwon in court, but onlyafter spending over$20,000 in legal fees.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201066
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. – Oscar Wilde
"Self-love seems so often unrequited." – Anthony Powell
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome
A Paul Mitchell Color Salon
in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com
Spa Pedicure $1999Every Wed. in March
JustMARCHSPECIALMARCHSPECIAL
Daryn Slover with his twoboys, Ellis (3) & Orrin (2)
Reaction caught on film after Uncle Andy tried to give Daryn Slover(award winning photographer for theSun Journal) some photography tips
Daryn just smiled and graciously listened to UncleAndy’s ranting. The two boys on the other hand...
Who the heck does this guy
think he is? I’m gonna pound
him!
I ain’t saying a word. Mommy told me if I didn’t have
anything nice to say just to keep
quiet.
Once again, Uncle Andy openedmouth and insertedthe proverbial foot...
Scientists have shownthat the moon is mov-ing away at a tiny, although measurabledistance from the earthevery year.
If you do the math, youcan calculate that 85million years ago themoon was orbiting theearth at a distance ofabout 35 feet from theearth's surface.
This would explain thedeath of the dinosaurs.The tallest ones, anyway.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 67783-7039
"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness." – Robert Morely
"I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself." – May West
www.colefarms.comA Maine Tradition You Can Count On!
Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, MaineJUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pmSaturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm
BREAKFAST BUFFET
SATURDAY & SUNDAY
Served from 7am-10:30amAdults . . . . . .$6.506 & under . . .$3.50
DAILY SPECIALS
WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALSMonday - Maine Fried Shrimp
Tuesday - Fish & Chips
Wednesday - Steak Sub
Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich
Friday - Fried Haddock SandwichServed from 10:30-3:30
Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls
Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast$7.95w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls
Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . .$6.75w/Potato & Rolls
Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner $8.95w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll
Friday - Lasagna . . .$8.75w/Salad & Rolls
Sunday - Roast Pork$8.75w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Friday & Saturday - After 4:00 PMPrime Rib Au Jus
w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Friday, Saturday & SundayFried or Baked Stuffed Haddock
Hannah Hamilton
When you dine at Cole Farms,
you’re treated like family. Stop
by for a meal today!
MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!
Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners
at their mini trade show
Mona Karole
Kristin Joseph & Diane Landry
Gloria Hewey
Gravity always gets me down.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201068There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
Friction can be a drag sometimes.Out & About with theAndroscoggin
Advisory Partnersat their mini trade
show
It’s nice to get a little
recognition once in a while...
JoyceCrane
Vicki Cantrell
Sandra Nadeau & Dennis Landry
Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
DAILY SPECIALS
30 Lowell Street, Lewiston
312-5100
� Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato...............................$3.99
� Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap .......$3.99(add Fries for $1 more)
� Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni.......................$3.99
� Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla ..$3.99� Fridays: Bocce Burrito..............................$3.99
Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips....................$7.99
LIVE MUSICSat. March 6 . . . . .4 PlayFri. March 12 . . . .Veggies by DayFri. March 26 . . . .Veggies by Day
Wednesday All Day$1.50 Bud Select pintWell Seabreeze $4.00
Thursday All Day$5.00 Long Island Ice Tea
P.B.R $1.50/pintMONDAYS
& TUESDAYSChicken Tenders & Wings
50¢ each$2.00 Domestic
bottled beer
Every Friday in MarchFish & Chips$7.99w/ cole slaw
Salmon Pie $6.99w/ side salad
Lobster Roll $9.99w/ fries & cole slaw
Tuna Wrap . . . . . . . . .$4.99
Irish Twins Pub743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) • www.myspace.com/irishtwinspub
No cover charge!
EVER!!
Fall/Winter Hours: Mon.-Wed., Sat. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close
This Month at Irish Twins…
� ½ Price Appetizersopen to close
� $1.50 Domestic Pints� $6 Irish Car Bombs� $3 Guinness & Murphy’s Pints� Live Music from Veggies by Day
8pm-close
Wed. March 24th at 7pm
WINGY DINGYWing Eating Contest
Finalists will face off on March 31st in themiddle of the AuburnMall vs. Thatcher’stop contenders!
Winner gets a cash prize!
Must sign up in advance at Irish Twins
Wed. March 17th
St. Patty’s Day BashOpening at Noon
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 69783-7039
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved.
Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.
Nicole Chapman
Jack Jalbert
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory
Partners at their minitrade show
Change of Heart
Dear John,
I have been unable tosleep since I broke offour engagement.Won't you forgive andforget? Your absenceis breaking my heart. Iwas a fool, nobody cantake your place. I loveyou.
All my love, Belinda.xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulationson winning this week'slottery.Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9 pm • Sun. 11am - 5 pm 782-2135
Corned Beef Hash Dinnerw/ potatoes & carrots
$6.99
16 oz. Green Beer $2.00
Wednesday, March 17th
St. Patrick’s Day Celebration ALL DAY!
1st Annual Wing Eating ContestThatcher’s & Irish Twins Pub are teaming up for:
March
24th &
31st
Tons of Giveaways!
Fun begins at5:30pm
Finals start at7:00pm
Sign up at Thatcher’sMarch 1st-17th
Limited number of entrants
All entrants & finalists getprize packages
Winner gets a
CASH PRIZE!!
Mar. 24th qualifiers move on to the finals
on Mar. 31stCenter Court at
Auburn Mall
92 Moose LIVE
March 31st
Dinner & Drink Specials 5-9pm$2 Bud & Bud Light Bottles$2.75 Bud & Bud Light 25 oz. Drafts$5 Jager Bombs$5 Captain & CokeCheeseburger Plate . . . . .$4.99Garlic Butter Haddock . . .$7.99
w/ 2 sides8 oz. Sirloin Steak . . . . . .$9.99
w/ 1 sideAvailable Mar. 24th & 31st
the
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201070When you live in the past, it costs you the present.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I sayare you going to drink that?
960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
Open7 Days a Week8 AM - 5 PM
Featuring
131Vendors
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!
Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!
We honor:M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA,
Am. Express & Discover cards
VISIT
“THE BOOK NOOK”
Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES
Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!
Always
Buying
Regular Paperbacks$1/each
$3.50 each for most Hardcover Books
Selective Hard Covers $2
20% OFFall Audio Books (books on tape & CD)
Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books
& Cookbooks
Pre-Read Books arriving daily
Inventory Reduction Sale
20% - 70% OFF
Large Selection of
Fenton Glassware!
BudgetBusters
Due to the budget con-straints, the following poli-cies are announcedregarding employees trav-eling on official business.These policies are EFFEC-TIVE IMMEDIATELY:
LODGING:All employees are encour-aged to stay with relativesand friends while on busi-ness. If weather permits,public areas such as parksshould be used as tempo-rary lodging sites. Bus ter-minals, train stations andoffice lobbies may also pro-vide shelter in periods ofinclement weather.
TRANSPORTATION:Hitch-hiking is the pre-ferred mode of travel, inlieu of commercial trans-port. Luminescent safetyvests will be issued to allemployees prior to their de-parture on such travel. Air-line tickets will only beauthorized in extreme cir-cumstances and the lowestfares will be used. For ex-ample, if a meeting isscheduled in Seattle, but alower fare can be obtainedby traveling to Detroit, thetravel to Detroit will be sub-stituted for travel to Seattle.
MEALS:Expenditures for meals willbe limited to an absoluteminimum. It should benoted that certain groceryand specialty chains, suchas Hickory Farms, GeneralNutrition Centers, andCostco Club stores oftenprovide free samples ofpromotional items. Entire
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 71783-7039
784-822185 Center Street, Auburn
EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!
The PerfectPlace to Dine
any time of the day!
OpenSun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pmFri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm
meals can be obtained inthis manner. Travelersshould also become famil-iar with indigenous roots,berries, and other proteinsources available at theirdestination. If restaurantsmust be utilized, travelersshould utilize all you caneat salad bars. This is espe-cially effective for employ-ees traveling together - asone plate can be used tofeed the entire group. Em-ployees are also encour-aged to bring their ownfood on official travel. Cansof tuna, Spam and Beefa-roni can be consumed atyour leisure without the un-necessary bother of heatingor costly preparation.
MISCELLANEOUS:All employees are encour-aged to devise innovativetechniques in an effort tosave our budget dollars.One enterprising individualhas already suggested thatmoney could be raised dur-ing airport layover period,which could be used to de-fray expenses. In supportof this idea, red caps willbe issued to all employeesprior to their departure, sothat they may earn tips byhelping other travelers withtheir luggage. Small plasticroses and ball point penswill also be made availableto employees so that salesmay be made, as time per-mits.
FEEDBACK:As always senior manage-ment is interested in yourfeedback on these propos-als. Please e-mail them tohead office and they will becarefully reviewed after wereturn from the seniormanagement motivationalretreat in Italy.
(continued from previous page)
Out & About inAruba in the
Gonya’s
Paige GonyaDaughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya
I’m young, cute and smart enough to know that nothing
compares to the intellect of this reading
material...
777-1611336 Center St. • Auburn
• Hair Services• Pedicures • Manicures• Waxing L to R: Candice Lamontagne, Mel Cote,
Darcy Ames & Hanna Greene
Call today for your appointmentWalk-ins welcome
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201072Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
You can't test courage cautiously.
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
www.shermarnolds.com
Use your tax refund wisely…There is no better investment
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Use your tax refund wisely…
Reek TheBenefits
Submitted by Jimbo
A young couple de-cided to wed. As thebig day approached,they grew apprehen-sive. Each had a prob-lem they had neverbefore shared withanyone, not even eachother.
The Groom-to-be,overcoming his fear,decided to ask his fa-ther for advice. "Fa-ther," he said, "I amdeeply concernedabout the success ofmy marriage. I love myfiancée very much, butyou see, I have verysmelly feet, and I'mafraid that my futurewife will be put off bythem."
"No problem," saiddad, "all you have todo is wash your feet asoften as possible, andalways wear socks,even to bed." Well, tohim this seemed aworkable solution.
The bride-to-be, over-coming her fear, de-cided to take herproblem up her mom."Mom," she said,"When I wake up in themorning my breath istruly awful."
"Honey," her motherconsoled, "everyonehas bad breath in themorning."
"No, you don't under-
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 73783-7039
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Life is full of uncertainties...of course, I could be wrong about that.
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
Cambria, HanStone,Silestone, Zodiaq,
Caesarstone, Viatera
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www.granitemarblecountertops.netHours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm
SHOWROOM
stand. My morningbreath is so bad, I'mafraid that my new hus-band will not want tosleep in the same roomwith me."
Her mother said sim-ply, "Try this. In themorning, get straightout of bed, and headfor the bathroom andbrush your teeth. Thekey is, not to say aword until you'vebrushed your teeth.Not a word," hermother affirmed.
Well, she thought itwas certainly worth atry.
The loving couple werefinally married in abeautiful ceremony.Not forgetting the ad-vice each had re-ceived, he with hisperpetual socks andshe with her morningsilence, they managedquite well. That is, untilabout six months later.Shortly before dawn,the husband wakeswith a start to find thatone of his socks hadcome off. Fearful of theconsequences, hefrantically searches thebed. This, of course,woke his bride andwithout thinking, sheimmediately asks,"What on earth are youdoing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped inshock, "You've swal-lowed my sock!"
(continued from previous page)
Sometimes I wish lifehad subtitles!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201074
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Windham/Raymond Adult EducationCLASSES BEGIN FROM MARCH THRU MAY
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Call 892-1819 FMI or check out our complete listing of courses at:www.windham.maineadulted.org
Summer Programs Start 7/12
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Great food at fair prices on
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Go visit me friends, Dave & Maggie O’Garry! You’ll be glad
you did!!
Out & About with theAndroscoggin
Advisory Partners at their mini trade
show
Heather Leonardo
Jeff Leonardo
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. – Sally Koch
Silly NewsFrom Around
the World
Police in Oakland, Cali-fornia spent two hoursattempting to subdue agunman who had barri-caded himself insidehis home. After firingten tear gas canisters,officers discovered thatthe man was standingbeside them, shoutingpleas to come out andgive himself up...
How you
doin’?
I’m updating my Facebook
status.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 75783-7039
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
10 years experience with Permanent Cosmetic Makeup
71 East Avenue, Lewiston
783-3321www.cassiels.com Dr. Robert Limoges, DMD
Advanced Dentistry
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s
Auburn Campus
Anne DeSantosAdvanced Dentistry
Lisa MinkowskiAdvanced Dentistry
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201076
To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.
Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?
MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERSSHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS
We also carry:All other types of firearmsKnives • Ammo by the case
We Buy - Sell - TradeFinders fee for collections
Rt. 4 • Turner, MEJust past Twitchell’s Airport
Call Matt, Drew or Chris at 225-3432
Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210
Out &About at the new
St. Mary’sAuburn
CampusMaria, Ashley, Mona & Dr. Torres • WorkMed
Dr. Torres, is it true that all doctors have hard to read hand writing? Absolutely
not! I had bad handwriting
long before I became a doctor.
Excuse-itis
Uncle Andy told hisdoctor that he wasn'table to do all the thingsaround the house thathe used to do.
When the examinationwas complete, he said,"Now, Doc, I can takeit. Tell me in plain eng-lish what is wrong withme."
"Well, in plain English,"the doctor replied,"you're just lazy."
"Okay," said UncleAndy. "Now give methe medical term so Ican tell my wife, Anna."
Near the end of a par-ticularly trying round ofgolf, during which thegolfer had hit numer-ous fat shots, he saidin frustration to hiscaddy, "I'd moveheaven and earth tobreak a hundred onthis course."
"Try heaven," said thecaddy.
"You've already movedmost of the earth."
Silly NewsFrom Around
the World
A man in Taormina,
Italy was hospitalized
after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette
lighters, and a pair of
salad tongs.
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
Bring it to the: Antique, Heirloom & Collectible Roadside Attraction
April 24th • 9:00am - Noon
WHAT’S IT WORTH?Curious about that painting, bird carving or coins that have been in the family for years?
Antiques
with Professional
Appraisers on hand!
FMI contact Eriks Petersons 345-3134 or Matt Gary 740-0040 or email [email protected]
Congregational Hall (formally The Congo Church) 64 Elm Street, Mechanic Falls
$5 per itemwith a 3 item limit per family
Proceeds to benefit the Mechanic Falls Historical Society
Fundraiser for the Mechanic Falls Historical Society
March 6th
Roastbeef Supper 5-6pmCall for more info
Coming May 8th 6:30 - 8:00pm
Coffee House with live Blue Grass music
Call for more info
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 77783-7039
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
If all the misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equalportion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
www.shermarnolds.com
Come see our new 180fxFormica Laminates today!
The closest thing to solidgranite look at the low,low price of laminates!
In dire need of abeauty make-over, Iwent to my salon with afashion magazinephoto of a gorgeous,young, lustrous-hairedmodel.
I showed the stylist thetrendy new cut Iwanted and settled intothe chair as she beganhumming a catchy tuneand got to work on mythin, graying hair.
I was delighted by hercheerful attitude until Irecognized the melody.
It was the theme from"Mission: Impossible."
Five year old Beckyanswered the doorwhen the Census takercame by.
She told the Censustaker that her daddywas a doctor and was-n't home, because hewas performing an ap-pendectomy.
"My," said the censustaker, "that sure is abig word for such a lit-tle girl. Do you knowwhat it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundredbucks, and that doesn'teven include theanaesthesiologist!"
Politically Correct
Statements for 2010:
You're not having a bad
hair day, you're suffer-
ing from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201078
What now is proved was once only imagined.
A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken.
www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.comBruce Landry Jerimiah Morrissette
1766 Federal Rd.(Rt. 4)
Livermore897-3400
1822 Lisbon Rd.Lewiston
784-3100
Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s
Birthday partyDad, the
word on the street is this Uncle Andy guy
just shows up randomly atparties when he
knows there’s free food. Whose uncle is
he anyway?
I think I can open my birthday
gifts in here without getting disturbed by
Uncle Andy.
François & Ray
Maybe if no one looks at him, he’ll just go away.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 79783-7039 Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s
Birthday party
Tom & Cindy Dykes
Smile competition
Ed
Happy Birthday,Ray!
Politically CorrectStatements for
2010: You weren'tpassing notes in
class. You were "par-ticipating in the
discreet exchange ofpenned meditations."
297 Lisbon Street LewistonOpen 9-8 Mon. - Sat. • Sundays 12-5
(207) 783-6677(800) 581-6901
Over 30Years in
business!
www.parisadultbookstore.com
P SariADULT BOOKSTORE
WARM UP WITH SOME OF OUR
Come in and see our deals on Adult DVD’s & toysTobacco products & accessories • And more!
BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCYLEWISTON
541 Lisbon StreetLewiston, ME 04240
784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360
92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679Brunswick, ME 04011
725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001
For your personal or commercial needs contact
BRUNSWICK
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201080
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s
Birthday party
Christine & François
I love Biddeford!
Like mother, like daughter...
I love Biddeford, too!
Politically CorrectStatements for Stu-dents in 2010: You'renot being sent to the
principal's office. You're"going on a mandatoryfield trip to the adminis-
trative building."
Oncle Andy a effectivementété invité. Mais ilest certain était
amusant vendanges sur lui!* *English translation: Uncle Andy was actually an
invited guest. But it sure was fun picking on him!
You know how it is whenyou're reading a book andfalling asleep, you're read-ing, reading... and all of a
sudden you notice your eyesare closed? I'm like that all
the time. – Uncle Andy
782-5920www.MadisonAveSalon.net
We have the latest in fashion colors
Back, l-r: Jess, Brenda & AmandaFront, l-r: Tammy, Taylor, Stacy & Angela
•Silver•Platinum•Magenta•Blue& more
Why Dogs Canʼt Use Computers
1. Heʼs distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated CDʼs refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that heʼs browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He canʼt help attacking the screen when he hears “Youʼve Got Mail”.
8. Itʼs too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isnʼt available on all platforms.
10. He canʼt stick his head out of Windows.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 81783-7039 There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Roofing Specialists Since 1878
ST. HILAIRECONTRACTORS INC.
5 generations of roofing
specialists!
VOTED BESTRoofing Contractors
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St. Hilaire Contractors Inc
99 Spring Street, Lewiston
784-1819
Lyana, Jake & Dave St. Hilaire
Our Company PrinciplesAccountability • Responsibility • Professionalism
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• Certified Certainteed ShingleMaster™ Company
• Commercial & Residential roofing
Paint ColorSubmitted by Maggie Joyce
A woman wants the in-side of her housepainted and she calls acontractor in to helpher. They wanderaround the house, andshe points out the col-ors she wants. Shesays, "Now, in the liv-ing room, I'd like tohave a neutral beige,very soft and warm."The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then he goes to thewindow, leans out andyells, "Green side up!"
The woman is mostperplexed but she letsit slide. They wanderinto the next room. Shesays, "In the diningroom I'd like a lightwhite, not stark, butvery bright and airy."The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then he goes to thewindow, leans out, andyells "Green side up"!
The woman is evenmore perplexed but stilllets it slide. They wan-der further into the nextroom. She says, "In thebedroom, I'd like blue.Restful, peaceful, coolblue."
The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then once more hegoes to the window,leans out and yells"Green side up"!
(continued on next page)
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201082
Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. – Uncle Andy
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt,than there are to get out of it.
Meeting your needs in Air Conditioning,Ventilation, Heat and Refrigeration.
Owner Al Hamel • Lewiston, ME782-6336 • www.alshvac-r.com
Email: [email protected]
Save $400+If you haven’t had your heating system
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Paige and Peyton GonyaDaughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya
What would any trip be without an
Uncle Andy’s Digest?
Out & About inAruba in the
Gonya’s
This is too much. Thewoman has to ask. Soshe says, "Every time Itell you a color, youwrite it down, but thenyou yell out the window'Green side up.' Whaton earth does thatmean?"
The contractor shakeshis head and says, "Ijust hired threegoobers, Jimbo, UncleAndy and Travis andtheyʼre laying sodacross the street."
(continued from previous page)
Nothing But A Hound Dog
Upon entering a littlecountry store, thestranger noticed a signsaying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!"posted on the doorglass.
Inside, he noticed aharmless old hound dogasleep on the floor nearthe cash register.
He asked the store'sowner "Is that the dogfolks are supposed tobeware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor an-swered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn'thelp being amused."That certainly doesn'tlook like a dangerousdog to me," he chuck-led. "Why in the worlddid you decide to postthat sign?"
"Because," the ownerreplied, "before I postedthat sign, people kepttripping over him."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 83783-7039
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY
95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210
Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President
(207) 784-6413
Call Bert Cote toset up a showing!
754-5600
Sabattus Home For Sale
3 bedroom, 2.5 bath Log home withindoor pool with ion pool system (nochlorine - odorless). Master bedroomwith bath, cathedral ceiling, walk outbasement. 2,600 sq. ft. on 1.5acres. Must see! $249,900
RPRProfessional Home Inspections, Inc.
Complete Home InspectionsWater Testing • Water Radon
Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold TestingInfrared Thermal Imaging
72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058
www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COMEmail: [email protected]
Certified Inspector
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Strange Lawsuits
A college student inIdaho decided to"moon" someone fromhis 4th story dorm roomwindow. He lost his bal-ance, fell out of his win-dow, and injuredhimself in the fall. Nowthe student expects theUniversity to take thefall; he is suing them for"not warning him of thedangers of living on the4th floor".
Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:
When camping, al-ways wear a long-sleeved shirt. It givesyou something towipe your nose on.
Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:
The sight of a baldeagle has thrilledcampers for generations. Thesight of a bald man,however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201084
Available at:
800-287-3246 or 786-3246
Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing
137 Spring Street, Auburn
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
Do not neglectyour Septic System
For proper maintenance,it should be pumped periodically.
Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities
ServiceRentalSales
We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.
111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258
207.782.4508800.924.4500
The Binettes of Leeds in Punta Cana
Dad, I’ve heard that drinking coconut milk will increaseyour stamina, giving you a faster time
running the mile...
PaigeGonya
The Gonya’s in ArubaBrenda, Peyton, Paige & Rick
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Wait around for opportunity."As you exit the plane, please be sure to gatherall of your belongings. Anything left behind willbe distributed evenly among the flight atten-dants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
– Submitted by Jane Grant, Travel consultant
What Jimbolooks like
afterpulling anall-nighter
Wow, I’m gonna be in
Uncle Andy’s!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 85783-7039 Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Specializing in:• Commercial/Industrial & ResidentialElectrical Installations
• Infrared Thermal Imaging to detectpotential problems
• Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed
Fully Insured • Free Estimates
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE
ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com
Don’t get stuck inthe cold or withoutpower again!
Normally $2,150
$100 OFF* WHOLE HOMEGENERATOR
PACKAGEIncludes:• Full installation directly into
electrical meter
• Transfer switch• 8500 watt generator
• Generator installation• Automated systems & controls• Telephone & computer wiring• Engineering/Design build
*Must present or mention ad. Limit 1.
• Electric start• Wheel kit
See our $ savingcoupon onpage 51.
Tree WoodSubmitted by Jimbo
A young man who was alsoan avid golfer found himselfwith a few hours to spareone afternoon. He figured ifhe hurried and played veryfast, he could get in 9 holesbefore he had to headhome.
Just as he was about to teeoff an old gentleman shuf-fled onto the tee and askedif he could accompany theyoung man as he was golf-ing alone.
Not being able to say no, heallowed the old gent to joinhim.
To his surprise the old manplayed fairly quickly. Hedidn't hit the ball far, butplodded along consistentlyand didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9thfairway and the young manfound himself with a toughshot. There was a largepine tree right in front of hisball, directly between hisball and the green.
After several minutes of de-bating how to hit the shotthe old man finally said,"You know, when I was yourage I'd hit the ball right overthat tree."
With that challenge placedbefore him, the youngsterswung hard, hit the ball up,right smack into the top ofthe tree trunk and it thud-ded back on the ground nota foot from where it hadoriginally lay.
The old man offered onemore comment, "Of course,when I was your age thatpine tree was only 3 feettall."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201086Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.Cleanliness is Best
In a restroom at IBM'sWatson Center, a su-pervisor had placed asign directly above thesink. It had a singleword on it:
"THINK"!
The next day, when hewent to the restroom,he looked at the signand right below, imme-diately above the soapdispenser, someonehad carefully letteredanother sign whichread:
"THOAP!"
The executive was in-terviewing Uncle Andyfor a position in hiscompany.
He wanted to find outsomething about hispersonality so heasked, "If you couldhave a conversationwith someone, living ordead, who would itbe?"
Uncle Andy quickly re-sponded, "The livingone."
Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:
A potato baked in thecoals for one hourmakes an excellentside dish. A potatobaked in the coals forthree hours makes anexcellent hockey puck.
Think summer,baby!
PRE-BUY & BUDGET PLANS • 24 HR. BURNER SERVICE • AUTOMATIC DELIVERY
• Heating Oil• Propane• Kerosene• Diesel
FOR ALL YOUR ENERGY NEEDSWe cover:
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Wood Pellets $249 a ton!Corinth Wood pellets - 100% hardwood!!
BRYANT ENERGY345-4301 • 800-698-0032
33 Elm St. • Mechanic Falls
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 87783-7039 I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a drag. – Uncle Andy
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.
OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE
Call 753-9887 or 576-8528 Fully Insured • Many References Available
“The Difference is in the Details”
Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.
CALL TODAY for your FREE quote!
For that Kitchen or Bathroom remodel
HOMES WANTEDWe could sell your home in 24 hours!
CALL US AT 784-3800 IF YOUR HOME FITS ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS
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w.b
rendafo
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om
Free Use of Moving Van • Free Use of Moving Van
336 Center St., Auburn
784-3800
Lewistonup to
$125,000
Lewistonup to
$225,0005+ Bedrooms
Year-roundHome on
Tacoma Lakes
Durhamup to
$215,000
Windhamup to
$300,000
Most
vis
ited a
gent
websi
te
Kongratulations,Kelsie!
Kelsie Riouxwas named Student of
the quarter at the MaineVocational Region 10!
Great job, Kelsie!!
Strange Lawsuits
A woman went into aNorthridge discount de-partment store to buy ablender. She decidedto take the bottom boxfrom a stack of fourblenders from an uppershelf used to storeextra stock. When shepulled out the bottombox, the rest of theboxes fell. She suedthe store for not warn-ing customers fromtaking stock from theupper shelf and forstacking the boxes sohigh. She claimed tosustain carpal tunnelsyndrome and neck,shoulder and backpain.
This year, Uncle Andyresolves to... Get thewindows tinted. Buy
some fur for the dash.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class,"What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows whatJesus' Father's name was?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where didyou get that?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they arealways talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201088
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. – Uncle Andy
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Nthe
evelwith Matt Fournier
Modular vs. Stick Built
Modular's, in general, have similarbuilding materials, mechanics and, forthe most part, are considered equals (Idon’t have enough room to talk aboutHudulars) to stick built homes. Havingsaid that, Modular's only advantage ina slow building market like this is thelead time from when ordered to whendelivered. A four week savings shouldbe average, but in a busy market youcould wait up to 12 weeks before themodular is even shipped. Is a 15%premium for a potentially faster fin-ished home worth it? That’s an averageof $20,000 more for maybe 4 weeks oftime savings. How about your moneygoing to a factory of assembly lineworkers vs. a Maine business? On theassembly line it usually takes one dayor less to build a house depending onthe manufacturer, what are you losingin terms of quality and what shortcutswere taken? Going back to value, mostcompanies build mobile homes andshare a lot of the same inexpensivematerials and mechanical fastenings.Well run framing crews, 2nd genera-tion drywallers, tradesmen, and fin-ished carpenters are hard to beat. In summary, I have seen hundreds ofwell made quality Modular's that manyMainers call home. I have even builtsome in the Cape Neddick area inYork… I mean Northern Mass. Pointbeing, only a few local people benefit-ted and the premium could have beenmoney saved or money spent on agarage or landscaping. Want to knowmore or want to know what a HUDU-LAR is? Send me an [email protected].
Please send your questions [email protected] and se-lected questions with answers willbe published in next month’s issue.Let’s see what we build together.
Whatever you guys do,don’t look behind us!
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
ind L-A Harley on
acebook and become a
an
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 89783-7039 In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
What the heck, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. Picking a Hymn
Submitted by Jimbo
One Sunday a pastortold his congregationthat the church neededsome extra money andasked the people toprayerfully considergiving a little extra inthe offering plate. Hesaid that whoever gavethe most would be ableto pick out threehymns.
After the offering plateswere passed, the pas-tor glanced down andnoticed that someonehad placed a $1,000bill in offering. He wasso excited that he im-mediately shared hisjoy with his congrega-tion and said he'd liketo personally thank theperson who placed themoney in the plate.
And there sat ourRosie all the way in theback shyly raised herhand. The pastorasked her to come tothe front. Slowly shemade her way to thepastor. He told herhow wonderful it wasthat she gave so muchand in thanksgivingasked her to pick outthree hymns.
Her eyes brightened asshe looked over thecongregation, pointedto the three most hand-some men in the build-ing and said, "I'll takehim and him and him."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201090
Jimbo on Uncle Andy: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
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This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 91783-7039 Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and traveler's checks.
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
www.shermarnolds.com
Why buy particle
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This is the best
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Jacob Gagnonjust coming out from a spin
in an Electrolux dryer
Yeah, I’m spoiled with all these fluffy
pillows and stuff.What about it,
buddy?!
Molly Marsh
I saw an interview onTV with an old farmerwho won ten milliondollars in the lottery.
Naturally he was askedwhat he was going dowith all that money.
He scratched his headand said, "Not sure as Iknow right off. GuessI'll keep farmin' till it'sall gone."
Gediman’s Guy
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201092
Don't worry. I forgot your name too. – Uncle Andy
True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know.
Find us onfacebook
BirthdateSubmitted by Jimbo
One day while takingtheir third coffee breakUncle Andy was tellingTravis a story aboutthat his father, grandfa-ther and great-grandfa-ther and how they hadall walked on water ontheir 21st birthdays.So, on his 21st birth-day, Uncle Andy andhis good friend BigGare headed out to thelake. "If they did it, Ican too!" he insisted.
When Uncle Andy andBig Gare arrived at thelake, they rented aboat and began pad-dling. When the got tothe middle of the lake,Uncle Andy stepped offof the side of theboat... and nearlydrowned. Furious andsomewhat shamed, heand Big Gare headedfor home.
When Uncle Andy ar-rived back at the familyfarm, he asked hisgrandmother for an ex-planation. "Grandma,why can I not walk onwater like my father,and his father, and hisfather before him?"
The feeble old grand-mother took UncleAndy by the hands,looked into his eyes,and explained, "That'sbecause your father,grandfather, and great-grandfather were bornin January... you wereborn in July, dear."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 93783-7039 Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.
Hours:M-F 8 to 5
Come visit our showroom at 884 Lisbon Street, Lewiston783-9200 or 1-866-989-9155 • email: [email protected]
L & S WINDOWS
Use your Income Tax money to improveyour home and increase the value. Get FREE in-home estimates on roofing,siding and windows. We have thebiggest selections to choose from.Hurry before prices go up in Spring!
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Out & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
Dog RulesBasic Rules for Dogs Who
Have a Yard To Protect
CHASING CATS:When chasing cats,make sure you never---quite--- catch them.It spoils all the fun.
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783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201094I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. – Uncle Andy
Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition DebrisBoilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
Winter is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!
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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDEOut & About atL-A Harley’s
Fan Jam 2010
Dog Rules
DOORS: The area di-
rectly in front of a door
is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 2010 95783-7039 I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Uncle Andy
Man has will, woman has way. Pressure ShotSubmitted by Jimbo
Two long-time golfingbuddies got to the courseone day and decided thatthis day they would playthe ball where it lies..."No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one ofthem sliced his drive andit ended up on the cartpath. As he reached downto pick up his ball to getrelief, his friend said,"Wait a minute! Weagreed that we would notimprove our lies! Remem-ber? No matter what!"
The first player tried toexplain that he was enti-tled to this relief, that itwas in the rules of golf.But the second fellowwould not allow it.
Throwing up his hands indisgust, the man went tothe cart and grabbed aclub. As he stood near hisball, he took a few prac-tice swings, each timescraping the club on thepavement and sendingout showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot.The club hit the pathagain, sparks went flying,but his ball shot straighttowards the green, landedand rolled to a stop - twoinches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend ex-claimed. "What club didyou use?"
The man gave him a wrysmile, "Your 7 iron!"
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MARCH 201096
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.
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