Session 3 Habit 5

Total Session Time: 3 hours, 30 minutes

Learning Objectives: By the end of this session, participants will be able to:

Explain the importance of listening. Describe empathic listening and how it differs from other types of listening. Demonstrate empathic listening skills.

Session Overview

Step Time Activity/Method Content Resources

Needed

1 30 minutes Presentation, Game Introduction to Session (Slides 1-2)

LCD or Overhead Projector

2 60 minutes

Presentation, Individual Activity, Discussion, Partner Activity

Listening (Slides 3-12)

LCD or Overhead Projector,Trainer Tool 3.1Handout 3.2Trainer Tool 3.2

3 120 minutes

Presentation, Discussion, Partner Activity, Group Plays

Empathic Communication Skills (Slides 13-22)

LCD or Overhead Projector

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 55

Resources Needed

Flip Chart, paper, and markers LCD or Overhead Projector Slides Trainer Tool 3.1: The Wright Family Handout 3.2: Becoming an Effective Listener Trainer Tool 3.2: The Art of Listening Stephen Covey’s Personal Workbook

Advance Preparation Review the entire session prior to facilitating, to familiarize yourself

with the slides, speaker’s notes, learning activities, and supporting materials.

Sources/Bibliography:

Refer to these materials for additional background reading, as needed.

Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and

Schuster.

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Beginning the Session

Trainer Instructions: Step 1 (30 minutes)

Present Slides 1-2 using trainer notes and Trainer Tool 3.1: The Wright Family Story to guide the presentation.

Slid

e 1 EXPLAIN that you would like to begin this session

with a game.

REFER to Trainer Tool 3.1: The Wright Family.

Slid

e 2 EXPLAIN that Covey believes that communication is

the most important skill in life. One of the keys to communicating effectively is seeking first to understand before seeking to be understood. A good doctor will diagnose before writing a prescription. Similarly, an effective communicator will first seek to understand another’s views before seeking to be understood.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be affirmed, to be appreciated and to be understood.

Habit 5 is about listening and fully understanding another person before speaking and explaining your own point of view.

EXPLAIN that unfortunately, most people seek to be understood before understanding. People listen with the intent to reply and not to understand, often they are thinking in their heads about what they are going to say next or how what another person is saying relates to them, their experience or what they believe to be true.

Sometimes as leaders we are interrupted by important matters, or are not fully listening but rather thinking about other responsibilities or crises. As much as possible, try to put yourself in the place of the speaker. You would want to be fully listened to if you were in their position.

Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 57

Trainer Tool 3.1: The Wright Family Story

Time: 30 Minutes

Purpose of Activity: Show the importance of listening.

Materials Needed:                             • The Wright Family Story                             • A penny or some other small item for each person in the group

Instructions:

1. Arrange the participants in a circle. Give each person in the circle a marker, pen, coin or some other small item that can be passed easily from hand to hand.  

2. Instruct the participants to listen carefully to “The Wright Family Story” while you read it to them.  Tell them they will be asked questions at the end of the story.

3. Tell the participants to pass the object they are holding to the right whenever they hear the word “right/Wright” and to pass the objects to the left when they hear the word “left.” Instruct participants not to talk. They are only to pass the object when they hear the word right/Wright or left (as a noun, verb, or name). Instruct participants not to correct others.

4. Start reading the story slowly so that they have a chance to catch on to what you want them to do. After a few passes stop the story and ask them how they are doing. Check to see that everyone has an object in his/her hand. If your group is typical, some will have two or three pennies and others will not have any. Have them redistribute the pennies so that everyone has one again. Now continue to read the story, getting faster as you go. Stop the story a couple more times to check on how they are doing.

 THE WRIGHT FAMILY

One day the Wright family decided to take a vacation. The first thing they had to decide was who would be left at home since there was not enough room in the Wright family car for all of them. Mr. Wright decided that Aunt Linda Wright would be the one left at home. Of course this made Aunt Linda Wright so mad that she left the Wright house immediately, yelling, “It will be a right cold day before I return!” 

The Wright family now bundled up the children Tommy Wright, Susan Wright, Timmy Wright and Shelly Wright and got in the Wright family car and left. Unfortunately, as they turned left out of the driveway, someone had left a trash bin in the street so they had to turn right around and stop the car. They told Tommy Wright to get out of the car and move the trash can so they could get going. Tommy Wright took so long that they almost left him in the street. Once the Wright family got on the road, Mother Wright wondered if she had left the stove on. Father Wright told her not to worry. He had checked the stove and she had not left it on. As they turned right at the corner, everyone started to think about other things that they might have left undone.

No need to worry now, they were off on a right fine vacation. When they arrived at the gas station, Father Wright put gas in the car and then discovered that he had left his wallet at home. So Timmy Wright ran home to get the money that was left behind.  After Timmy Wright left, Susan Wright started to feel sick. She left

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 58

the car saying that she had to throw up. This of course got Mother Wright’s attention and she left the car in a hurry.  Shelly Wright wanted to watch Susan Wright get sick so she left the car too. Father Wright was left with Tommy Wright who was playing a game in the back seat.

 With all of this going on Father Wright decided that this was not the right time to take a vacation so he gathered up all of the Wright family and left the gas station as quickly as he could. When he arrived home, he turned left into the driveway and said, “I wish the Wright family had never left the house today!”

 DISCUSSION IDEAS:

• How much of the story can you remember?• How many children were there in the Wright family? (4)• What were their names? (Tommy, Susan, Timmy, and Shelly)• Who was left at home at the beginning of the story? (Aunt Linda)• Which child ran home to get the money? (Timmy)• Which child got sick at the gas station? (Susan)• What made this activity difficult to accomplish?• How hard was it to listen and pass the objects at the same time?• How seriously did everyone take the activity?• What impact did the level of seriousness have on the activity?• What can this activity tell us about communication?• Did you find your attention being divided between the story and passing the objects left and right?• Describe a situation you have had where someone was not really listening to you when you were

telling them something?  How did that make you feel?

EXPLAIN the following:• This activity demonstrates how difficult it is to listen and do something else at the same time.• This is an example of selective listening. We listened for what we wanted to hear and not the content

of the story.

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Trainer Instructions: Step 2 (60 minutes)

Present Slides 3-12 using the trainer notes and Handout 3.2: Becoming an Effective Listener and Trainer Tool 3.2: The Art of Listening to guide the presentation, activity, and discussion.

Slid

e 3 EXPLAIN that listening skills are skills that we often

have to make a conscious effort to acquire.

READ quote out loud.

Slid

e 4 ASK participants: “Is there anyone in your life who

is a good listener? How do they listen? What makes you think of them as having this skill?

EXPLAIN that we listen when we are deeply committed in wanting to know. The skill in listening is being conscious of what we really want to know and what we need to know.

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Slid

e 5 ASK participants: “What are some tips for

becoming a good listener?”

REVIEW tips for becoming an effective listener.

REFER participants to Handout 3.2: Becoming an Effective Listener.

ASK if participants have any comments or questions before continuing.

EXPLAIN that for bullet point 2, sometimes you are in a time-sensitive situation and you have to

interrupt. We don’t often talk about these skills. If an individual comes to us repeatedly with the same story, or goes on and on without coming to a point, they are probably really trying to say something that we are not hearing. It is our task to ask clarifying questions to get to the heart of the matter; to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

ASK participants: “If you are a physician and only have 15 minutes with a patient who is going on and on without getting to the point, what do you do?”

EXPLAIN that one way to handle the situation might be to say something along the lines of “I understand the story is long; maybe today we can just talk about the pressing problem of the day.” Even though at times you may have to interrupt, make sure to fully listen to and understand the speaker.

Slid

e 6 ASK participants: “Why is listening important for

effective leadership?

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Slid

e 7 PRESENT slide.

EXPLAIN that:

• Listening is critical for effective leadership. • The people we work with respond

differently to us, and to the organization, when they know they are being heard.

• Workers will respond differently when the workers are being listened to.

• Listening improves morale, builds respect and trust, fosters collaboration and learning and helps to prevent and resolve conflicts.

Slid

e 8 EXPLAIN to participants that we will be doing an

activity to help us become more aware of our listening habits.

ASK participants to get into pairs.

INSTRUCT one person to speak for 3 minutes to their partner about something they really care about.

ASK the other person to practice good listening by looking at the person speaking, paying attention, occasionally asking questions for clarification, etc

In other words, listen with eyes, ears and heart.

ALLOW 3 minutes, then INSTRUCT participants to switch roles.

ALLOW 3 additional minutes.

BRING the group back together in plenary.

ASK participants: “How did it feel to be listened to well?”

ALLOW a few moments for participants to share.

THANK participants for their participation.

ASK participants the following questions:

“What is the impact of listening well on motivation and performance as leaders?” “What lessons do you take from this exercise?”

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 62

Slid

e 9 EXPLAIN that Covey suggests most people listen

autobiographically, meaning that they listen with their own personal filters—concerned with how what is being said is relevant to them.

In this sense the common phrase that “We hear what we want to hear,” seems to fit. Most people do not step into the shoes of the person who is speaking.

Slid

e 10 EXPLAIN that because we listen autobiographically,

responding autobiographically is quite natural to us.

Most people respond in one of four ways:

Evaluate: You either agree or disagree. In back of my mind I agree or disagree.

Probe: You ask questions from your own frame of reference.

Advise: You give counsel and solutions to problems based on your own experiences. You might say something like “If I were you I would just do X,Y,or Z.”

Interpret: You try to figure people out—explain their motives and behavior—based on your own motives and behavior.

ASK participants to turn to pg 104 of the Covey workbook.

READ each example of different responses to an idea about a family vacation.

ASK participants which autobiographical response is best represented in each conversation (evaluating, probing, advising or interpreting).

EXPLAIN that these types of responses aren’t necessarily always bad.

ASK participants: “But are these responses appropriate all the time and in every situation? How do we know we are in sync with the needs of the speaker?”

EXPLAIN that these responses can be seen as forcing one’s opinions or ideas onto another.

EMPHSIZE that the first step to becoming a better listener is to become aware of your listening patterns. Which of these responses comes most natural to you?

Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster.Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

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Slid

e 11 ASK participants: “What strikes you about this

quote?”

Slid

e 12 EXPLAIN that at the heart of Habit 5, seeking first

to understand then to be understood, is empathic listening. There are many different degrees of listening. Sometimes we think we’ve done our job by making an effort to seem interested, or by simply allowing another person to speak. Habit 5 challenges us to go beyond listening from our own perspective to empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening within the other’s frame of reference, or perspective. Most other forms of listening stay within one’s own frame of reference

or perspective. Our goal is not only to pay attention but to really try to understand where another person is coming from.

GIVE participants an example of each type of listening:

Pretend listening: Hilma has earphones on and takes them out so as to seem like she is listening.

Selective listening: Hilma is reading the newspaper while I am speaking.

Attentive listening: Hilma is listening to what I have to say after I took the newspaper from her.

Empathetic listening: Hilma puts her newspaper away and tries to put herself in my position as I am speaking.

Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster.Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

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Handout 3.2: Becoming an Effective Listener

1. Stop talking. Take a vow of silence once in awhile.

2. Practice saying, “Take your time, I’m listening,” and really mean it.

3. Set aside your own agenda.

4. Look, act, and be interested. Be available and receptive emotionally as well as through body

language. Don’t read your email, use your mobile phone, send an SMS, doodle, shuffle, or tap

papers while others are talking.

5. Try to appreciate the other person’s point of view. Stay constructive; don’t evaluate or offer

critical remarks until the context has shifted.

6. Listen without being in a hurry to take over. Don’t interrupt. Sit still past your tolerance level.

7. Try to imagine yourself in the other’s place; feel what the speaker feels.

8. Help draw out thought and feeling by asking questions.

9. Have the speaker elaborate for further understanding.

10. Say, “Let me make sure I understand,” and then re-state the issue.

11. Be sensitive to the speaker’s feelings. Listen between the lines. Ask for clarification if something

seems to be hinted or omitted.

Adapted from:Covey, Steven. (2003)The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People—Personal Workbook. pg. 110.Senge, Peter et al. (1994) The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook. pg. 391

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Trainer Instructions: Step 3 (120 minutes)

Present Slides 13-20 using the trainer notes to guide the presentation.

Slid

e 13 EXPLAIN that empathic listening consists of 3 basic

skills:

• Rephrasing content• Reflecting feeling• Asking questions for better understanding

EMPHASIZE that to listen with empathy you need to do all three.

Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster.Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Slid

e 14 ASK participants “What do we mean by rephrasing

content?”

EXPLAIN that when you rephrase content, you put the meaning of what another person said into your own words. You are trying to see things as he or she does—trying to understand things from his or her perspective. You are thinking about the content of what is being said and not just about

words only. Here is an example.

READ example on slide.

EXPLAIN that this may sound easy, but sometimes it can be quite challenging. Especially when you have a different opinion from the person you are listening to.

Source: Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

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Slid

e 15 Note to Facilitator: This slide contains animation. Right

click for the scenarios to appear.

INSTRUCT participants to get in pairs. Each pair should choose a first speaker and a listener.

EXPLAIN that the speaker should choose a controversial topic about which to speak (or use one of the examples below), uninterrupted, for 2 minutes. Participants can choose from the scenarios above if they cannot think of a controversial topic.

CLICK for the following topics to appear on screen and read out loud:

If no gloves are available, should health care workers (HCW) still draw blood, manage deliveries, etc., i.e., without gloves?

HCWs who test HIV-positive should not be allowed to work in the hospital.

Women who are HIV-positive should not have children.

HCWs should be allowed to refuse to take care of HIV-positive patients if they wish.

Pregnant patients should not have a choice about HIV testing; it should be mandatory.

ALLOW participants about a minute to think about what they will say, once they have chosen a topic.

EXPLAIN that:

The speaker can express his/her opinion, or can just choose a position to support.

The listener should practice active listening, but should NOT respond verbally.

When the speaker has finished speaking, the listener is to summarize or rephrase the content of what the speaker said, taking about 30 seconds.

The pairs will then switch roles and repeat the exercise.

WRAP UP activity by asking the following questions:

Was it more difficult to listen quietly when you disagreed with what your partner said?

As a listener, was it difficult to rephrase the content?

As a speaker, did the listener rephrase the content correctly?

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Slid

e 16 EXPLAIN that the next skill is reflecting feeling.

ASK participants “What do we mean by reflecting feeling?”

READ the example on the slide.

EXPLAIN that by reflecting feeling we mean emphasizing the emotion of what’s been said through feeling statements, metaphors (“Kind of like . . .” “It’s as though . . “), etc. The reflection of feeling is often regarded as the deepest form of reflection.

In general, simpler reflections of content and understanding are used at first, when meaning is less clear, and then you reflect feeling as understanding increases.

Jumping too far beyond what was said, however, can turn into an unwelcome interpretation and become a roadblock to good listening and relationship building.

Source: Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Slid

e 17 EXPLAIN that the true effectiveness of empathic

listening comes when you combine rephrasing the content with reflecting the feeling.

READ example on slide.

Source: Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Slid

e 18 READ example on slide.

Source: Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 68

Slid

e 19 DIVIDE participants into groups of three.

EXPLAIN that in each triad (group of three people) participants are to take turns, in rotation, sharing at least three personal completions of the sentence “One thing I know about myself as a leader that I …” The statements should be vague and open to different interpretations. When a speaker has offered a sentence, the other two serve as listeners and respond by asking questions of this form: “Do you mean that you ______________________?” The speaker responds to each such question only with “Yes” or “No.” No additional elaboration is permitted.

GIVE participants the following example: YOU: One thing I know about myself as a leader is that I’m organized. PARTICIPANT: Do you mean that you keep your desk tidy? YOU: No! P: Do you mean that you manage your time well? Y: Yes. P: Do you mean that you always know where to find things? Y: No. P: Do you mean that you manage to get a lot done? Y: Yes. P: Do you mean that you are a good planner? Y: Yes. P: Do you mean that you like planning far in advance? Y: …Yes!

INSTRUCT the triads to begin this process, generating at least five “Do you mean…” questions for each statement that is offered.

When questioning for one statement seems to have reached an end, Trainer has group rotate on to the next person, who becomes the speaker while the other two generate questions. Trainer circulates among groups to reinforce, clarify, give examples, and make suggestions.

ALLOW about 10 minutes for this exercise, adjusting time as needed, depending on progress.

WRAP UP the activity by asking the following questions (allow 10 minutes):• What did you learn? What surprised you? What was it like to be the speaker? What problems did

you encounter? Usually there are comments here about the speaker’s wanting strongly to elaborate and explain, which is a good illustration of how the reflective process – even at this simple level – pulls for more exploration.

EMPHASIZE how many different meanings a seemingly simple statement can have (the number of different “yes” answers), as well as the fact that many early guesses are wrong (“No” answers).

EXPLAIN that the following emotions can come up in this activity:• Satisfaction . The speaker felt good, understood. • Frustration . It is frustrating to say only “Yes” or “No” because the speaker wants to say

more. This is a good example of how even this simple level of reflection pulls for self-disclosure.

• Fascination . It’s amazing how easy it is to miss, and how many different things can be meant. Speakers may have the experience that “it made me think of things I hadn’t considered.” Again, that is an effect of reflection, even at this simplistic level.

Source: ITECH Zimbabwe PCCC Curriculum

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 69

Slid

e 20 WRAP-UP activity with the following information:

Empathic Listeners:

• Receive the speaker’s message, without interruption, until the speaker is finished

• Remain focused on the speaker’s message without piggybacking or stealing the topic

• Refrain from providing suggestions or giving advice until asked

• Apply their attention to remembering what the speaker has said rather than

formulating a response• Know when to listen and when to speak• Limit questions that direct the conversation where you want it to go

WRAP-UP segment by reviewing key points.

Leaders in Health Namibia Facilitator GuideSession 3: Habit 5 70