Updike, John - The Centaur

8/13/2019 Updike, John - The Centaur

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1963

Heaven is the creation inconceivable to man, earth the creation conceivableto him. He himself is the creature on the boundary between heaven andearth.

K!" #!$H

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But it was still needful that a life should be given to expiate

that ancient sin,the theft of fire. It happened that Chiron,

noblest of all the Centaurs (who are half horses and halfmen), was wandering the world in agon from a wound that

he had received b strange mischance. !or, at a certain

wedding"feast among the #apithae of $hessal, one of the

turbulent Centaurs had attempted to steal awa the bride. %

fierce struggle followed, and in the general confusion,

Chiron, blameless as he was, had been wounded b a

poisoned arrow. &ver tormented with the hurt and never to

be healed, the immortal Centaur longed for death, and

begged that he might be accepted as an atonement for

'rometheus. $he gods heard his praer and too awa hispain and his immortalit. e died lie an wearied man, and

*eus set him as a shining archer among the stars.

+ld ree !ol -tones $old %new

B /+-&'I0& '&-$+0 '&%B+2, 1345

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%

&"'()"" turned and as he turned his an*le received an arrow. $he class burst into lau+hter.

$he ain scaled the slender core of his shin, whirled in the comle-ities of his *nee, and, swollen

broader, more thunderous, mounted into his bowels. His eyes were forced uward to theblac*board, where he had chal*ed the number ,///,///,///, the robable a+e in years of the

universe. $he lau+hter of the class, +raduatin+ from the first shrill bar* of surrise into a

deliberately aimed hootin+, seemed to crowd a+ainst him, to crush the rivacy that he so much

desired, a rivacy in which he could be alone with his ain, +au+in+ its stren+th, estimatin+ its

duration, insectin+ its anatomy. $he ain e-tended a feeler into his head and unfolded its wet

win+s alon+ the walls of his thora-, so that he felt, in his sudden scarlet blindness, to be himself a

lar+e bird wa*in+ from slee. $he blac*board, mil*y slate smeared with the traces of last ni+ht0s

washin+, clun+ to his consciousness li*e a membrane. $he ain seemed to be dislacin+ with its

own hairy se+ments his heart and lun+s as its +ri swelled in his throat he felt he was holdin+

his brain li*e a morsel on a latter hi+h out of hun+ry reach. 2everal of the boys in their bri+ht

shirts all colors of the rainbow had risen uri+ht at their des*s, leerin+ and bayin+ at their

teacher, coc*in+ their muddy shoes on the foldin+ seats. $he confusion became unbearable.

&aldwell limed to the door and shut it behind him on the furious festal noise.

ut in the hall, the feather end of the arrow scraed on the floor with every ste. $he metallic

scratch and stiff rustle mi-ed disa+reeably. His stomach be+an to sway with nausea. $he dim,

lon+ walls of the ochre hall wavered the classroom doors, inset with s4uare numbered anes of

frosted +lass, seemed e-erimental anels immersed in an activated li4uid char+ed with

children0s voices chantin+ 5rench, sin+in+ anthems, discussin+ roblems of 2ocial 2cience.

Avez-vous une maison jolie? Oui, jai une maison tresjoliefor amber waves of grain, for purple

mountain majesties above the fruited plain throughout our history boys and girlsthis was the

voice of 7holos8, the federal government has grown in prestige, power, and authority but we

must not forget, boys and girls, that by origin we are a union of sovereign republics, the nited

God shed his grace on thee, and crown thy good with brotherhoodthe beautiful son+ was

blindly ersistin+ in &aldwell0s brain. o shining sea. $he old baloney. He had heard it first in

7assaic. 2ince then, how stran+e he had +rown: His to half felt all afloat in a starry firmament

of ideals and youn+ voices sin+in+ the rest of his self was heavily sun* in a swam where it

must, eventually, drown. )ach time the feathers brushed the floor, the shaft wor*ed in his wound.

He tried to *ee that le+ from touchin+ the floor, but the ;a++ed clatter of the three remainin+hooves sounded so loud he was afraid one of the doors would sna oen and another teacher

emer+e to bar his way. %n this crisis his fellow


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flan*s twitched with distaste, but li*e a fi+urehead on the row of a founderin+ shi his head and

torso ressed forward.

$he faint watery blur above the side doors drew him on. Here, at the far end of the hall, throu+h

windows e-teriorly screened a+ainst vandalism, li+ht from outdoors entered the school and,unable to sread in the viscid, varnished atmoshere, remained catured, li*e water in oil, abovethe en trance. $oward this bluish bubble of li+ht the moth inside him drove &aldwell0s hi+h,handsome, comounded body. His viscera s4uirmed a dusty antenna brushed the roof of hismouth. >et also on his alate he ea+erly tasted an anticiation of fresh air. $he air bri+htened. Hebuc*ed the double doors whose dirty +lass was reinforced with chic*en wire. %n a tumult of ain,the arrow batterin+ the steel balusters, he threw himself down the short fli+ht of stes to theconcrete landin+. %n ascendin+ these stes a child had hastily enciled 5&Kon the dar*lylustrous wall. &aldwell +ried the brass bar and, his mouth thin with determination beneath hisinched and fri+htened eyes, he ushed into the oen.

His nostrils made two lumes of frost. %t was ?anuary. $he clear blue of the towerin+ s*y seemedforceful yet eni+matic.

$he immense level swath of the school0s side lawn, ointed at the corners by lantin+s of ines,was, thou+h this was winter0s heart, +reen but the color was fro=en, araly=ed, vesti+ial,artificial. #eyond the school +rounds, a trolley car, +ently clan+in+, floated u the i*e toward)ly. @irtually emty the time was eleven o0cloc*, the shoers were all +oin+ the other way,into ltonit swayed li+htly on its trac*s and the straw seats showered sar*s of +old throu+hthe windows. utdoors, in the face of satial +randeur, his ain seemed abashed. 'warfed, itretreated into his an*le, became hard and sullen and contemtible. &aldwell0s stran+e silhouettetoo* on di+nity his shouldersa little narrow for so lar+e a creaturestrai+htened, and he

moved, if not at a rance, yet with such ressured stoic +race that the lim was enrolled in hisstride. He too* the aved wal* between the fro=en lawn and the brimmin+ ar*in+ lot. #eneathhis belly the +rimacin+ +rilles flashed in the white winter sun the scratches in the chrome wereiridescent as diamonds. $he cold be+an to shorten his breath. #ehind him in the salmon


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sat at noon and smo*ed and ate 5ifth venues and !eese0s 7eanut #utter &us and )ssic*0s&ou+hdros and ut their ti+htly laced and olished feet u on the railin+ and let their martyrednerves uncurl while, in the three


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$he mechanic bent over the arrow and touched the feathers tentatively. His *nuc*les were deelyin+rained with +rime, his touch sil*en with lubricant. 2teel shaft, he said. >ou0re luc*y the tiwent clean throu+h. He si+naled and a little triod on wheels came rattlin+ by itself across thebumy blac* floor. Hummel too* from it a air of wire cutters, the tye that has an elbow hin+eon one ;aw to +ive e-tra levera+e. s the strin+ of a helium balloon slis from a child0s

absentminded fin+ers, so fear set &aldwell0s mind floatin+ free. %n his di==y abstraction he triedto analy=e the cutters as a dia+ramE mechanical advanta+e e4uals load over force less friction,len+th of lever 5 fulcrum F nut8 over len+th 5#, # bein+ bitin+ oint of +leamin+ crescent;aw, multilied by secondary mechanical advanta+e of accessory fulcrum


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$he heler, careful to *ee his feet from tan+lin+ in the trailin+ wire, brou+ht over the acetylenetorch. %t was a little blac* ;u+ sittin+ white flame ed+ed with +reen. (here the flame streamedfrom the sout there was a transarent +a. &aldwell loc*ed his ;aw on his anic. $he arrow hadbeen re vealed to him as a live nerve. He braced for the necessary ain.

$here was none. Ca+ically, he found himself at the center of an immense insensible nimbus. $heli+ht startled into bein+ shar trian+ular shadows all around him, on the bench, on the walls.Holdin+ the tin shield in his +loved hand, Hummel without the rotection of +o++les s4uintedinto the bla=in+, urrin+ heart of &aldwell0s an*le. His face, deadou0re a damn +ood wor*man, &aldwell said. His voice was fainter than he had e-ected, hisraise emty of blood. He watched !onnie, a one


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noticed that his alms were mottled with shoc* and e-ertion a film of sweat bro*e out on hisbrow. He as*ed Hummel, (hy did you smell itD

(onderin+ if it was oisoned.

%t wouldn0t be, would itD

% don0t *now. $hese *ids today. He added, % didn0t smell anythin+.

% don0t thin* they0d do anythin+ li*e that, &aldwell insisted, thin*in+ of chilles and Hercules,?ason and scleios, those attentive resectful faces.

(here do the *ids +et their moneyD is what %0d li*e to *now, Hummel said, as if *indly tryin+to draw &aldwell0s mind away from a hoeless matter. He held u the headless shaft and wiedthe blood off on his +love. $his is +ood steel, he said. $his is an e-ensive arrow.

$heir fathers +ive it to the bastards, &aldwell said, feelin+ stron+er, clearer


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Bo, hell. >ou *ee it.

Bo, now what would % do with itD $he sho0s full of ;un* as it is. >ou show it to immerman. teacher in our ublic school system shouldn0t have to ut u with cra li*e this.

.K., l, you win. $han*s. $han* you very much. $he rod of silver was too lon+ it stuc* uout of his side coat oc*et li*e a car aerial.

teacher ou+ht to be rotected from *ids li*e that. $ell immerman.

>ou tell him. Caybe he0ll ta*e it from you.

(ell, he mi+ht. $hat0s no ;o*e. He ;ust mi+ht.

% didn0t mean it as a ;o*e.

% was on the board, you *now, that hired him.

% *now you were, l.

%0ve often re+retted it.

Hell, don0t.

BoD

He0s an intelli+ent man.

>esyes, but there0s somethin+ missin+.

immerman understands ower but he doesn0t *ee disciline. 5resh ain flooded &aldwell0sshin and *nee. %t seemed to him that he had never seen immerman so clearly or e-ressedhimself so well on the sub;ect, but Hummel, annoyin+ly obtuse, merely reeated his ownobservation. $here0s somethin+ missin+.

His sense of assin+ time was wor*in+ on &aldwell0s bowels, ma*in+ them bind. % +ot to +etbac*, he said.

Aood luc*. $ell &assie the town misses her.

?esus, she0s hay as a lar* out there. %t0s what she0s always wanted.

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nd 7o Kramer, how0s heD

7o0s tos. He0ll live to be a hundred.

'o you mind the drivin+ bac* and forthD

Bo, to tell you the truth % en;oy it. %t +ives me a chance to tal* to the *id. $he *id and % hardlyever saw each other when we lived in town.

>ou have a bri+ht boy there. @era tells me.

%t0s his mother0s brains. % ;ust ray to Aod he doesn0t inherit my u+ly body.

Aeor+e, may % tell you somethin+D

2ure.

5or your own +ood.

2ay anythin+ you want, l. >ou0re my friend.

>ou *now what your trouble isD

%0m stubborn and i+norant.

2eriously.

!y trouble is, &aldwell thou+ht, my leg is "illing me#

(hatD

>ou0re too modest.

l, you0ve hit the nail on the head, &aldwell said, and moved to turn away.

#ut Hummel *et innin+ him. >our car0s holdin+ u all ri+htD ntil they had moved ten

miles out of town, the &aldwells had done without a car. $hey could wal* everywhere in lin+erand ta*e the trolley to lton. #ut when they bou+ht bac* the old Kramer lace they needed a car.Hummel had ut them on to a I36 #uic* for only J3.

?ust wonderful. %t0s a wonderful car. % *ic* myself every day for smashin+ u that +rille.

$hat can0t be welded, Aeor+e. #ut the car runs all ri+htD

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"i*e a dream. %0m +rateful to you, l, don0t thin* %0m not.

$hat en+ine should be all ri+ht the man never drove it over forty. He was an underta*er.

%f Hummel had said that once, he had said it a thousand times. $he fact seemed to fascinate him.

%0m not scared, &aldwell said, +uessin+ that in Hummel0s mind the car was full of +hosts.ctually, it was ;ust an ordinary four


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his hair. $hese are bad days, Aeor+e.

&aldwell0s lon+ drawn face twea*ed unusually he was +oin+ to ma*e a ;o*e. He was rarely aformally humorous man. %t0s no Aolden +e, that0s for sure.

Hummel was athetic, &aldwell decided as he wal*ed away. "onely devil, couldn0t sto tal*in+,he couldn0t let you +o. Bo need for mechanics li*e him anymore everythin+ mass


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shin+le in a threatenin+ tide. He did not loo* around until he had +ained the safety of the fardoorway. Here &aldwell turned, to see if he had left trac*s. s he fearedE a trail of red crescents,moons from his heel, mar*ed his ath. He inched his lis in embarrassment he would have toe-lain and aolo+i=e to the ;anitors.

%n the cafeteria, the +reen


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runnin+ horses. (ith downcast eyes she dislayed her rofile. $he ose overwhelmed &hironhis +uts became a har. Her rofession of sorrow at her barbarous birth, thou+h its insinceritywas atent, sent his ton+ue stammerin+ in search of consolation.

#ut my mother was herself a dau+hter of ceanus, he said, and instantly *new that, in +ivin+

her li+ht selfes, she said, and 7hilyra soloathed the monster she bore that rather than suc*le you she rayed to be metamorhosed into alinden tree.

He stiffened with her narrow woman0s mind she had cut throu+h to the truth that would +ivemost hurt. #ut in recallin+ to him the unfor+ivable woman, @enus fortified him a+ainst herself.%n contemlatin+ the le+end wherein on an island so tiny it seemed +limsed throu+h manyrefractin+ layers of water there lay ne+lected a half


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horsehairs. 2o, seen throu+h one side of the rism he had made of the tale, the tauntin+ smallou don0t li*e women, she said. %t seemed tobe a discovery that did not e-cite her.

He made no answer.

2he lau+hed the brilliance of her eyes, throu+h which a lavish therworld had oured, turned toan oa4ue animal lambency and, ;auntily holdin+ the towel about her with an arm croo*ed at herbac*, she steed forward out of the ool and touched his chest with one fin+er of her free hand.#ehind her, the water of the ool retreated in wide rin+s from her disturbin+ motion. %t laedlow ban*s lined with reeds and narcissus and hallic, unflowered iris the earth beneath hernarrow, veined feet was a taestry of moss and fine +rass interwoven with violets and ale woodanemones srun+ from the blood of donis. Bow had it been %, she said, in a voice that curledaround the whorls of his mind even as her carefully revolvin+ fin+ertis intertwined with thebron=e fleece of his chest, % would have been leased to lay nurse to a creature combinin+ therefinement and consideration of a man withher lids lowered her amber lashes flared on herchee*s the lane of her face demurely shifted, and he felt her +a=e include his hind4uartersthe massive otency of a stallion. His nether half, an imerfect servant of his will, reenedof itself his hind hooves cut two fresh crescents into the son+y ondside turf.

combination, my lady, often cancels the best of its elements.

5or the sace of her smir* she seemed a rather common youn+ flirt. $hat would be true, brother,if your head and shoulders were those of a horse, and the rest human.

&hiron, one of the few centaurs who habitually conversed with cultivated ersons, had heard this;est often before but her owerful nearness had so e-anded him that its humor ierced himafresh. His lau+h emer+ed a shrill whinny, in de+radin+ contrast to the controlled timbre he hadassumed with the +irl, as her senior, and *in. $he +ods would forbid such a frea*, he stated.

$he +oddess became ensive. >our trust in us is touchin+. (hat have we done to deserve ourworshiersD

%t is not what the +ods do that ma*es us adore them, he recited. %t is that they are. nd to hisown surrise he discreetly e-anded his chest, so that her hand rested more firmly on his s*in. %nabrut ve-ation she inched him.

h, &hiron, she said, %f only you *new them as % do. $ell me about the +ods. % *ee

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for+ettin+. Bame them to me. $heir names are so +rand in your mouth.

bedient to her beauty, enslaved to the hoe that she would dro the towel, he intoned, eus,"ord of the 2*y cloudou *now how eus first made love to herD s a cuc*oo.

hoooe, &hiron corrected.

%t was a silly cuc*oo li*e in a cloc*. $ell me some more +ods. % thin* they0re so funny.

7oseidon, master of the many


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lau+hed in reco+nition it was a mirthless lau+h, a hi+h heated syllable defiantly rolon+ed itti+htened her face across her s*ull and sharened her erfect features cruelly, out of allfemininity. &hee*s, brow, and throat flushed, she shouted toward Heaven. >es, #rotherEblashemy: >our +ods, listen to thema ratin+ bluestoc*in+, a filthy crone smellin+ of corn, athievin+ tram, a drun*en 4ueer, a desicable, sad, +rimy, +ri==led, criled, cuc*olded tin*er

>our husband: &hiron rotested, strivin+ to *ee himself in the +races of the firmament abovehim. His osition was difficult he *new that the indul+ent eus would never harm his youn+aunt. #ut he mi+ht in annoyance toss his bolt at her innocent auditor, whose lymian ositionwas recarious and ambi+uous. &hiron *new that his own intimacy with men was envied by the+od, who never visited the created race e-cet, in feathers and fur, to accomlish a rae. %ndeedit was rumored that eus thou+ht centaurs a dan+erous middleou fail to areciate your husband.Hehaestus is de-terous and *ind. $hou+h every anvil and otter0s wheel serves as an altar to

him, he remains humble. $he calamity of his fall uon "emnos ur+ed all dross of arro+ancefrom his heart thou+h his body is bent, there is not a mean bone in it.

2he si+hed. % *now. How can % love such a dithererD Aive me that mean bone. 'o you thin*,she as*ed, with the e-ectant and subtly condescendin+ face of a not usually curious student,%0m drawn to cruel men because % have a +uilt comle- about my father0s mutilationD % mean, %blame myself and want to be unishedD

&hiron smiled he was not of the new school. $he s*y above had aled. 5eelin+ safe, he dared atouch of imudence. He ointed out, $here is one deity you have e- emted from yourcatalo+ue. He meant res, the most vicious of all.

$he +irl tossed her head her oran+e hair flared into a momentary mane. % *now what you0rethin*in+. $hat %0m no better than the rest. How would you list me, noble &hironD I comulsivenymhomaniac0D r, less circumsectly, I born whore0D

Bo, no, you misunderstand me. % did not mean yourself.

2he aid him no heed, cryin+, #ut it0s unfair: 2he clutched the towel about her emhatically.(hy should we deny ourselves the one leasure the 5ates for+ot to ta*e from usD $he mortalshave the ;oy of stru++le, the satisfaction of comassion, the triumh of coura+e but the +ods are

erfect.

&hiron nodded the old courtier was familiar with the way these aristocrats blithely e-tolled theclass that in the revious breath they had calumniated. 'id the +irl ima+ine that her etty set of;ibes went near to the heart of the real case a+ainst the +odsD He felt a wei+ht of weariness hewould always be less than they.

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2he corrected herself. 7erfect only in our ermanence. % was cruelly robbed of a father. eustreats me li*e a et cat. His blood love is reserved for rtemis and thene, his dau+hters. $heyhave his blessin+ they are not driven a+ain and a+ain to clas into their loins that +iant lea thatfor a moment counterfeits it. (hat is 7riaus but His stren+th without a father0s loveD 7riausmy u+liest child worthy of his conceivin+. 'ionysos made me erform as if % were another boy.

2he touched the centaur0s chest a+ain, as if to reassure herself that he had not turned to stone.>ou *new your father. % envy you. Had % seen ranus0 face, heard his voicewere % not theafterthou+ht of his desecrated corse% would be as chaste as Hestia, my aunt, the one +od whotruly loves me. nd now she is demoted from lymus, reduced to a household trin*et. $he+irl0s dartin+ thou+ht too* another turn. 2he said to &hiron, >ou *now men. (hy do they revilemeD (hy is my name a matter of ;o*es, why is my caricature +ou+ed into lavatory wallsD (hoelse serves them so wellD (hat other +od +ives them with the same hand such ower and sucheaceD (hy am ) blamed?

>our accusations, my lady, are all from yourself.

Her flood of confession drained, she dryly moc*ed him, 2o rudent. 2o wise. Aood &hiron. urscholar, our roa+andist. 2o docile. Have you ever wondered, nehew, if your heart belon+s tothe man or the horseD

He stiffened and said, 5rom the waist u, % am told % am fully human.

5or+ive me. >ou are *ind, and % reay you in divine coin. 2he stooed and luc*ed ananemone. 7oor donis, she said, idly fin+erin+ the starli*e seals. His blood was so ale."i*e our ichor.

+ust of remembrance ruffled her hair, in whose feathery crown the moisture had evaorated.2he turned her bac* and in half


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wisdom you will be wiser when we rise. 2he cued her alms below her breasts and stood ontitoe a+ainst him, so that her niles thrust a+ainst his own, the male0s vesti+ial ornaments. #uttheir chests were of une4ual sans she +i++led with the +ame of ma*in+ the double oosition,and &hiron even in his distraction saw that the roblem mi+ht be e-ressed +eometrically.

re you afraidD she whisered. How do you do it with &haricloD 'o you mount herD Hisvoice rose small and arched in his constricted throat. %t would be incest.

%t always is we all flow from &haos.

%t is day.

Aood then the +ods are aslee. %s love so hideous it must hide in the dar*D 'o you disdain mebecause %0m a trolloD #ut as a scholar you *now how after every bath % am restored to vir+inity.&ome, &hiron, crac* my maidenhead it hamers my wal*in+.

Core in wea*ness than in stren+th, as one would embrace in desair a fevered child, he ut hisarms around the wi++lin+ +irl her body was sliery and lim with comlaisant dissolution.$he hollow of her bac* felt downy. $he crest of an erection +ra=ed his belly a nei+h seethedthrou+h his nostrils. Her arms were clenched around his withers, and her thi+hs, liftin+wei+htlessly, murmured amon+ his fore le+s. Horse, she breathed, ride me. %0m a mare.7lou+h me. 5rom her body issued a swift harsh scent of flowers, flowers of all colors crushedand tumbled in the earth of his own e4uine odor. He closed his eyes and was swimmin+ throu+ha shaeless warm landscae studded with red trees.

#ut his ;oints held ri+id. He remembered the thunder. immerman mi+ht still be in the buildin+he never went home. $he centaur listened for a rumble ustairs, and in that moment of listenin+everythin+ altered. $he +irl droed from around his nec*. (ithout a bac*wards loo*, @enusvanished into the underwood. thousand +reen etals closed uon her assa+e. "ove has its ownethics, which the deliberatin+ will irrevocably offends. $hen as now, &aldwell stood on that sotof cement alone and u==led, and now, as then, climbed the stairs with a ainful, confused senseof havin+ disleased, throu+h ways he could not follow, the Aod who never rested fromwatchin+ him.

He climbed the fli+hts of stairs to his room on the second floor. $he stes seemed built for thele+s of a more sule secies his clumsiness was a+oni=in+. )ach wave of ain forced his +a=e

ti+ht a+ainst a section of wall where a ball oint en had looed, a varnished newel ost whosebevelled ca had been torn from the +lue


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immerman0s losided face hun+ li*e a +i+antic emblem of authority, stretchin+ from rim to rimof &aldwell0s aalled vision. (ith a malevolent ulse, it seemed to widen still further. nimlacable bolt, srin+in+ from the center of the forehead above the two disarately ma+nifyin+lenses of the rincial0s sectacles, leaed sace and transfi-ed the araly=ed victim. $he silenceas the two men stared at one another was louder than thunder.

immerman turned to the class it had been tamed into alhabetical rows of combed, fri+htenedchildren. Cr. &aldwell has +raciously returned to us.

$he class obediently snic*ered. % thin* such devotion to duty should be rewarded with a mildround of alause. He led the clain+ his cued alms atted each other daintily.immerman0s e-tremities were 4ueerly small for such a massive head and torso. He wore asorts coat whose added shoulders and broad chec*ered attern emhasi=ed the disroortion.bove the ironical alause a few boys0 smir*s +linted toward &aldwell. $he humiliated teacherlic*ed his lis. $hey tasted charred.

$han* you, boys and +irls, immerman said. $hat is 4uite enou+h. $he +entle alauseabrutly stoed. $he rincial turned to &aldwell a+ain the unbalance of his face seemed thatof a roud re+nant cloud tu++ed by a wind hi+h in heaven. &aldwell uttered a nonsensical 5$H)! and my mother were tal*in+. % wa*e now often to silence, beside you, with a an+

of fear, after dreams that leave a sour wash of atheism in my stomach last ni+ht % dreamt thatHitler, a white


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dreamin+ returned to me.

7enny and % had been beside a tree. $he to buttons of her blouse were undone, earl buttons,undone as they had been wee*s a+o, before &hristmas vacation, in the dar* #uic* on the schoolar*in+ lot, the heater tic*in+ by our *nees. #ut this was broad day, in a woods of slim trees

ierced by li+ht.

blue ;ay, vivid in every feather, hun+ in the air motionless, li*e a hummin+bird, but his win+sstiffly at his sides, his eye alert li*e a bead of blac* +lass. (hen he moved, it was li*e a stuffedbird bein+ twitched on a strin+ but he was definitely alive.

7eter, time to +et u


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% stretched and my body widened into the cool mar+ins of the bed. $he sa ebbed. $he touchin+thin+ was, in the dream, she had *nown the chan+e was overta*in+ her, she had felt her fin+ersturnin+ to leaves, had wanted to tell me her irises so round8 but had not, had rotected me, had+one under to wood without a word. nd there was that in 7enny, which now the dream madevivid to me, what % had hardly felt before, a shelterin+ love, youn+ as she was, recent as our

touchin+ was, little as % +ave her she would sacrifice for me. nd % e-ulted throu+h my len+theven as % wondered why. $his was a fresh atch of aint in my life.

!ise and shine, my little sunbeam:

Cy mother had reverted to a co=y aroach. % *new the shiny +ray aint of my windowsill wouldbe cold as ice if % reached out my hand and touched it. $he sun had fraction ally climbed hi+her.$he dirt road had become a band of +lowin+ salmon. n this side of the road, our side lawn wasa sheet of old sandaer that had rubbed +reen aint. %t had not snowed yet this winter. Caybethis would be the winter when it would not snow. (as there ever such a oneD

+eter'

Cy mother0s voice had the true ti+er in it, and without thin*in+ % leaed from bed. &areful to*ee my s*in from touchin+ anythin+ hard, usin+ my fin+ertis to ull the +lass bureau *nobsli*e faceted crystals of fro=en ammonia, % set about dressin+. $he house was a half


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the lon+ dry shadow of the fall and winter would brin+ a+ain to bloom. $he curse reached itsclima- of flower in the srin+ but then the stren+thenin+ sun romised cure. ?anuary was ahoeless time. Cy elbows and *nees, ressure areas of s*in, were caed with crust on myan*les, where the embrace of my soc*s encoura+ed the scabs, they an+rily ran to+ether in a *indof in* bar*. Cy forearms were mottled enou+h so that % could not turn my shirt cuffs bac*, in

two natty folds, li*e other boys. therwise, when % was in clothes, my dis+uise as a normalhuman bein+ was +ood. n my face, Aod had relented e-cet for traces alon+ the hairline which% let my hair fall forward to cover, my face was clear. lso my hands, e-cet for an unnoticeablestilin+ of the fin+ernails. (hereas some of my mother0s fin+ernails were eaten down to the4uic* by what loo*ed li*e yellow rot.

5lames of cold flic*ered across my s*in the little roofs of my se- were contracted into a tensecluster. (hatever in me was normally animal reassured me % loved the ubic hairs that had atlast aeared. !eddishou can sto the erformance any time. Her voicehad left the bottom of the stairs.

HuhD >ou thin* %0ll uset the *idD

Cy father had turned fifty ;ust before &hristmas he had always said he would never live to befifty. #rea*in+ the barrier had unbridled his ton+ue, as if, bein+ in mathematical fact dead,nothin+ he said mattered. His +hostly freedom at times did fri+hten me.

% stood before the closet deliberatin+. 7erhas % foresaw that % would be wearin+ for a lon+ timethe clothes % chose. 7erhas the wei+ht of the comin+ ordeal made me slow. 2coldin+ myhesitation, a snee=e +athered in the brid+e of my nose and itched. Cy bladder ached sweetly. %too* from their han+er the +ray flannel slac*s, thou+h their crease was oor. % had three airs ofslac*s the brown were at the cleaners and the blue were dis+raced by a faint allor at the bottomof the fly. %t was a mystery to me, and % always felt unfairly condemned when they came bac*from the cleaners with an insultin+ rinted sli about Bo !esonsibility 5or %neradicable 2ots.

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s for shirts, today the red seemed the one. % rarely wore it because its bri+ht shoulders ointedu the white sec*s that showered from my scal li*e a snow of dandruff. %t was not dandruff, %wanted to tell everybody, as if this e-onerated me. #ut % would be safe if % remembered not toscratch my head, and anyway a +enerous imulse brushed the ris* aside. % would carry to myclassmates on this bitter day a +ift of scarlet, a +iant sar*, a twoour father was a disaointed man my mother told him. (hy should you be disaointedD

>ou have a wonderful son, a beautiful farm, an adorin+ wife

nce the old man was in his +rave, my father continued, my mother really cut loose. $hosewere the haiest years of her life. 2he was a suer


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'on0t *id yourself, &assie. Cy mother made life a hell on earth for him. 2he ate thatman raw.

ne soc* had a hole which % tuc*ed dee into the heel of the loafer. $his was Conday, and in my

soc* drawer there was nothin+ but orhans and a heavy )n+lish wool air my unt lma hadsent me this &hristmas from $roy, Bew >or*. 2he was a children0s clothes buyer for adeartment store there. % +uessed that these soc*s she had sent were e- ensive, but when % utthem on they were so bul*y they made my toenails feel in+rown, so % never wore them. %t was avanity of mine to have my loafers small, si=e 1/ P instead of 11, which would have been roer.% hated to have bi+ feet % wanted to have a dancer0s 4uic* and subtle hooves.

$ain+ heel and toe, % left my room and assed throu+h my arents0 room. $he covers of theirbed were tossed bac* sava+ely, e-osin+ a doubly trou+hed mattress. $he to of their scarredbureau was covered with combs, in all si=es and colors of lastic, that my father had scaven+edfrom the hi+h school "ost and 5ound deartment. He was always brin+in+ ;un* li*e this home, as

if he were burles4uin+ his role of rovider.

$he country staircase, descendin+ between a laster wall and a wood artition, was narrow andstee. t the bottom, the stes curved in narrow worn wed+es there should have been a railin+.Cy father was sure that my +randfather with his clouded downward vision was +oin+ to fallsome day he *et vowin+ to ut u a bannister. He had even bou+ht the bannister, for a dollar inan lton ;un* sho. #ut it leaned for+otten in the barn. Cost of my father0s ro;ects around thislace were li*e that. $riin+ in +race notes li*e 5red staire, % went downstairs, in my descentstro*in+ the bare laster on my ri+ht. 2o smooth


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% couldn0t see him he was in the livin+


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% can0t, % told her. %0m too uset. Cy stomach hurts. % wanted reven+e for her snub of myflirtin+ overture. %t dismayed me that my father, that silly sad man whom % thou+ht our romancehad lon+ since e-cluded, had this mornin+ stolen the chief lace in her mind.

He was sayin+, 7o, % didn0t mean to hurt your feelin+s it0s ;ust that those old e-ressions +et

me so +oddam mad % see red when % hear Iem. $hey0re so damn smu+, is what +ets my +oat. %fthose old easants or whoever the hell invented Iem have somethin+ to say to me, % wish they0dcome ri+ht out and say it.

Aeor+e, it wasyou, my mother called, who brou+ht it

u in the first lace. He chan+ed the sub;ect. Hey what time is itD $he mil* was too cold, thecoffee too hot. % too* a si and scalded my alate followin+ this the chill mush of the corn fla*eswas nauseous. s if to ma*e +ood my lie, my stomach didbe+in to hurt the tic*in+ minutesinched it.

%0m ready, % shouted, %0m ready, %0m ready. % was li*e my father in erformin+ for an unseenaudience, but his was far off and needed to be shouted at, whereas mine was ;ust over thefootli+hts.%oy, clutching stomach comically, crosses stage left. % went into the livin+our boo*s are on the windowsill, he said. 'id you eat your cerealD

% rebu*ed him sharly. $here isn0t time, you *ee tellin+ me. % +athered u my boo*s. 5adedblue "atin, its covers all but unhin+ed. 2mart red al+ebra, freshly issued this year every time %turned a a+e, the aer released a tan+y vir+inal scent. nd a weary bi+ +ray boo*, Aeneral2cience, my father0s sub;ect. %ts cover was stamed with a trian+ular desi+n of a dinosaur, anatom bla=in+ li*e a star, and a microscoe. n its side and butts a revious ossessor had letteredin blue in* the hu+e word 5%'. $he si=e of this inscrition seemed athetic and ab;ect, li*e anabandoned reli+ious monument. 5ido Hornbec*er had been a football hero when % was in theseventh +rade. %n the list of names written inside the cover, where my own was last, % had never

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been able to locate the +irl who had loved him. %n five years, % was the first boy to be assi+nedthe boo*. $he four names written above mine

Cary Heffner)velyn Cays #itsy!hea 5urstweibler

7hyllis ". Aerhardt

had melted in my mind into one nymh with inconstant handwritin+. Caybe they had allloved 5ido. $ime stolen from food, my +randfather said, is time stolen fromyourself.

$he *id0s li*e % am, 7o, my father said. % never had time to eat either. Aet your carcass awayfrom the table is all % ever heard. 7overty0s a terrible thin+.

Cy +randfather0s hands were foldin+ and unfoldin+ +in+erly and his hi+hto button shoestwiddled in a+itation. He was an ideal foil for my father because as a very old man he ima+inedthat, if listened to, he could rovide all answers and soothe all uncertainties. % would see 'ocleton, he ronounced, clearin+ his throat with e-treme delicacy, as if his hle+m were?aanese aer. % *new his father well. $he letons have been in the county since thebe+innin+. He was sittin+ bathed in white winter windowli+ht and seemed, in comarison withmy father0s bullet


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%f there0s anythin+ % hate, my mother said, half to me, half to the ceilin+, while my father bentforward and touched her chee* with one of his rare *isses, it0s a man who hates se-.

Cy +randfather lifted his hands in his s4uee=ed sace and in a voice muffled by breadronounced, #lessin+s on thee.

He never failed to say it, ;ust as, in the early evenin+, when he climbed the wooden hill, hewould call down to us, 7leasant dreams. His hands were daintily lifted in benediction, a+esture also of surrender and, as if tiny an+els had been clutched in them, release. His handswere what % *new best of him, for, the one in the family with the youn+est eyes, it was my ;ob toremove with my mother0s twee=ers the microscoic brown thorns that on his weedour mother0s a real femme, 7eter. %f %0d beenany *ind of man % would have ut her on the burles4ue sta+e when she was youn+.

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2he thin*s you tease Aramo.

HuhD 'oes sheD %0m wild about 7o Kramer. He0s the nicest man % ever *new. % worshi thatman.

(ords seemed whittled and diminished by the still blue volumes of cold air that clove ourchee*s. ur blac* #uic*, a I36 four


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stuccoed cube where we had slet released li*e a last scra of dreamin+ a twist of smo*e thattold blue a+ainst the urle woods. $he road died a+ain, our farm disaeared, and we wereunursued. 2choel*of had a ond, and duc*s the color of old iano *eys were wal*in+ on theice. n our left, ?esse 5la+ler0s hi+h whitewashed barn seemed to toss a mouthful of hay in ourdirection. % +limsed the round brown eye of a breathin+ cow.

$he dirt road came u to !oute 1QQ at a treacherous +rade where it was easy to stall. Here therewas a row of mailbo-es li*e a street of birdhouses, a sto si+n riddled with rusty bullet


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had often described to us, with e-4uisite indications of his fin+ers, how those lan*s had bentbeneath his wei+ht.

Cy father and % be+an +oin+ down 5ire Hill, the lon+er, and less stee, of the two hills on theroad to lin+er and lton. bout halfway down, the emban*ment folia+e fell away, and a

wonderful view oened u. % saw across a little valley li*e the bac*+round of a 'urer. "ordin+ itover a few acres of *nolls and undulations draed with +ray fences and dotted with roc*s li*ebrown shee, there was a small house that seemed to have +rown from the land. $his little houseresented to the view from the hi+hway a broad bottleeah. #oy, this is a bitter day. (e0re in ld Can (inter0s belly.

(ell don0t you want to ut the +loves onD

!oadside scruff in a scratchy stream oured ast my father0s rofile. He emer+ed from thou+htto tell me, (hen % was a *id, if anybody had +iven me +loves li*e that, % would have cried realtears.

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$hese words hurt my stomach, wei+hted as they were by what % had overheard while awa*in+. %had +athered only that there was somethin+ in him, and this thin+, which % thou+ht mi+ht be thesame thin+ that made him resist wearin+ my +loves, % hoed % could elicit thou+h % did susectthat he was too old and too bi+ for me to ur+e or chan+e comletely, even for my mother0ssa*e. % leaned closer and studied the ed+es of white flesh where his fists +ried the steerin+ou headin+ into lton.

Auess so.

>ou *now ltonD

% been there before.

(hat0s your rofessionD

nnnh% coo*.

>ou coo"'$hat0s a wonderful accomlishment, and % *now you0re not lyin+ to me. (hat0s yourlanD $o stay in ltonD

)hnnn. ?ust to +et a ;ob enou+h to +et me south.

>ou *now, mister, my father said, you0re doin+ what %0ve always wanted to do. #um aroundfrom lace to lace. "ive li*e the birds. (hen the cold weather hits, ;ust fla your win+s and +osouth.

$he hitchhi*er +i++led, u==led.

Cy father went on, %0ve always wanted to live in 5lorida, and % never +ot within smellin+distance of it. $he furthest south % ever +ot in my whole life was the +reat state of Caryland.

Bothin0 much in Caryland.

% remember in +rammar school bac* in 7assaic, my father said, how they were always tellin+us about the white stoos of #altimore. )very mornin+, they said, the housewives would +et out

there with the buc*et and scrub


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% never seen it, the hitchhi*er said, as if re+rettin+ that he had caused such a radical disillusion.Cy father brou+ht to conversations a cavernous caacity for carin+ that dismayed stran+ers.$hey found themselves involved, willyeah. Kinda.

(hat haenedD He ull the old double


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the fine rint stated C') %B"$B, 7. nd the bo-, oened, released the chill, ectoiasmicsmell of #ruba*er 2treet. $he two cities of my life, the ima+inary and the actual, weresuerimosed % had never dreamed that lton could touch Bew >or*. % ut a cou+hdro into mymouth to comlete this delicious confusion and concentric enetration my teeth sweetened andat the level of my eyes, a hollow mile beneath the ceilin+ that on an a4ua s*y dislayed the

constellations with sallow electric stars, my father0s yellow


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uddle it mistoo* my motive and moved toward me with a smear of a smile and an emanation ofmuddy emotion. % flinched and ri+idly crin+ed the details of the dashboard leaed u a+litter. %shut my eyes to revent any further inwash of that unwelcome unthin*able ichor % had roused.Cost horrible in it had been somethin+ shy and +rateful and +irlish.

Cy father reared bac* his +reat head and called, (hat have you learnedD

His voice strained under a hi+h ain that bewildered the other. $he bac* seat was silent. Cyfather waited. % don0t follow you, the hitchhi*er said.

Cy father amlified. (hat0s your verdictD >ou0re a man % admire. >ou0ve had the +uts to dowhat % always wanted to doE move around, see the cities. 'o you thin* %0ve missed outD

>ou ain0t missed a thin+. $he words curled bac* on themselves li*e offended feelers.

Have you done anythin+ you li*e to rememberD % was awa*e all last ni+ht tryin+ to remembersomethin+ leasant and % couldn0t do it. Cisery and horror that0s my memories.

$his hurt my feelin+s he had had me.

$he hitchhi*er0s voice scribbled maybe it was a lau+h.

"ast month % *illed a +oddam do+, he said. How0s thatD

'amn suc*in0 do+s come u outa the bushes and try to +rab a iece of your le+, so % +et myself a

hell of a bi+ stic* and % was wal*in0 alon+ this coc* ;ums out at me and % crac*ed him ri+htbetween the eyes. He dros down and % thum him a coule times more +ood and boy there0sone suc*in0 do+ won0t be tryin0 to +rab a iece of your le+ ;ust because you ain0t +ot no car to +ohaulin0 your ass around in. &hrist ri+ht between the eyes the first crac*.

Cy father had listened rather dolefully. Cost do+s won0t hurt you, he said now. $hey0re ;ustli*e % am, curious. % *now ;ust how they thin*. (e have a do+ at home % thin* the world of. Cywife ;ust worshis that animal.

(ell % fi-ed that one bastard +ood % tell ya, the hitch hi*er said, and suc*ed bac* sittle. >ou

li*e do+s, boyD he as*ed me.

7eter li*es everybody, my father said. %0d +ive my eyes if % had that boy0s +ood nature. #ut %see your oint, mister, when a do+ comes u to you in the dar* alon+ a stran+e road.

>eah and then nobody ic*s ya u any more, the hitchhi*er said. 2tand there all day yourballs free=in0 off and yours was the first car in a hour stoed for me.

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% always ic* Iem u, my father said. %f Heaven didn0t loo* after fools %0d be in your shoes.>ou said you0re a coo*D

Annh% done it.

Cy hat0s off to you. >ou0re an artist.

% felt within myself li*e a worm hatchin+ the hitchhi*er be+innin+ to wonder if my father weresane. % crin+ed with the desire to aolo+i=e, to +rovel before this stran+er, to e-lain. )ts just hisway, he loves strange people, hes worried about something#

$here0s nothin0 to it e-cet *ee the +riddle +reased. $his resonse came cautiously.

>ou0re lyin+, mister, my father shouted. $here0s a fine art to coo*in+ for other eole. %couldn0t learn it if you +ave me a million years.

#uddy, that0s horse oo, the hitchhi*er said, lurchin+ into intimacy. ?ust *ee the bur+ersthin0s all the bastards run these suc*in0 ;oints +ive a dic* about. Aive Iem +rease and sare themeat if % had one of those bastards +imme the word % had a hundred. $he +reat +od 'ollar0s theonly one they0re loo*in+ out for. &hrist % wouldn0t drin* the ni++er iss they call coffee.

s the hitchhi*er +rew more and more e-ansive % felt myself shrivel and shrin* my s*in itchedfuriously.

% wanted to be a dru++ist, my father told him. #ut when % +ot out of colle+e there was no doou are two hundred er cent ri+htE who cares about deadanimalsD %f they0re dead, let Iem lie that0s my motto. $hey deress the hell out of me. #ut that0swhat they +ive me to teach and %0m +oin+ to teach it to you until it *ills me. %t0s either you or me,'eifendorf, and if you don0t +et rid of those ;itters %0ll do my best to *ill you before you *ill me%0ll stran+le you with my bare hands if % have to. %0m u here fi+htin+ for my life. % have a wifeand a *id and an old man to feed. %0m ;ust li*e you are %0d rather be out wal*in+ the streets. % feelsorry for you % *now how you0re sufferin+.

% lau+hed by the window it was my way of attac*in+ 'eifendorf. % felt him clin+in+ to myfather, suc*in+ the stren+th from him. $hat was the way of the cruel children. n hour after theyhad +oaded him to the oint of fren=y flec*s of foam would actually aear in the corners of his

mouth and his eyes would become li*e tiny raw diamonds8, they would show u in his room,an-ious to see* advice, ma*e confessions, be reassured. nd the instant they had left hiscomany they would moc* him a+ain. % *et my bac* turned on the sic*enin+ duet.

5rom my father0s windows % overloo*ed the school0s side lawn, where in the autumn the bandand cheerleaders rehearsed, and the tennis courts and the line of horsechestnut trees mar*in+ theoorhouse lane and, beyond everythin+, Ct. lton, a humed blue hori=on scarred by a +ravelit. trolley car stuffed with lton shoers came sar*in+ and swayin+ u the line. 2ome ofthe students who lived toward lton were bunched at the sto, waitin+ for this trolley0s mate tocome down the i*e. 'own on the cement wal*s leadin+ from the +irls0 e-it alon+ the side ofthe buildin+ % had to touch my nose to the icy +lass to see this sharly down+irls,

foreshortened into atches of laid, fur, boo*s, and wool, wal*ed in airs and trios hometo+ether. 5ro=en breath flew from their mouths. (hat they said % could not hear. % loo*ed for7enny amon+ them. % had avoided her all day, because to draw near to her seemed a desertion ofmy arents, whose need for me had mysteriously, solemnly deeened.

...the only one, 'eifendorf was sayin+ to my father. His voice scratched. His voice was 4ueerlyfeeble, disassociated from his emhatic, athletic body. % had often seen 'eifendorf na*ed in the

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loc*er room. He had stumy le+s woolly with sandy fur and a hu+e rubbery torso and sloin+shinin+ shoulders and very lon+ arms culminatin+ in red scoo


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>ou0ll +et Iem, Cr. &aldwell.

% shut my eyes. %t a+oni=ed me to hear my father tal* li*e a coach it seemed so beneath us. $hiswas unfair for wasn0t it after all what % wanted to hear from himthe confident, ordinary,world


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r basalt, shale, and slate, my father said. $he dull +irl loo*ed from me to him to me as if wehad +an+ed u on her. 5or the moment, we had. $here were hay moments when my father and% became a unit, a little twoou want to *now somethin+ interestin+, ?udyD myfather said. $he richest deosit of slate on the continent is ri+ht ne-t door to us in 7ennsylvania,in "ehi+h and Borthamton counties. He taed with his *nuc*les the blac*board behind him.

)very blac*board from coast to coast comes from around there, he said.

(e aren0t e-ected to *now that, are weD

%t0s not in the boo*, no. #ut % thou+ht you0d be interested. $ry to +et interested. 5or+et your+rades your father will survive. 'on0t *noc* yourself out, ?udy when % was your a+e, % didn0t*now what it was li*e to be youn+. nd %0ve never learned since. Bow ?udy. "isten to me. 2omehave it and some don0t. #ut everybody has somethin+, even if it0s ;ust bein+ alive. $he +ood"ord didn0t ut us here to worry about what we don0t have. $he man with two talents didn0t +etsore at the man with five. "oo* at me and 7eter. % have no talents, he has ten but %0m not mad athim. % li*e him. He0s my son.

2he oened her mouth and % e-ected her to as* (ill that be on the 4ui=D but nothin+ cameout. Cy father ruffled the boo*. Bame some erosional a+ents, he said.

2he ventured, $imeD

Cy father loo*ed u and seemed to have ta*en a blow. His s*in was underbellyes, ma0am. 4uestion mi+ht be, "ist the si- +eolo+ic eras in order, withrou+h dates. (hen was the &eno=oicD

:7


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billion years a+oD

>ou live in it, +irl. (e all do. %t be+an seventy million years a+o. r % mi+ht do this, list somee-tinct forms of life, and as* that they be identified, with one oint for the identification, one forthe era, and one for the eriod. 5or instance, #rontosE mammal, &eno=oic, $ertiary. )ocene

eoch, but % wouldn0t e-ect you to *now that. %t may interest you for your own information thatthe brontos loo*ed a lot li*e (illiam Howard $aft, who was 7resident when % was your a+e.

% saw her write Bo )oc*s on her tablet and draw a bo- around it. s my father tal*ed on, shebe+an to ornament the bo- with trian+les. r "eidodendron, he said. Aiant fern, 7aleo=oic,7ennsylvanian. r )ryos. (hat would that be, 7eterD

% really didn0t *now. retile, % +uessed. Ceso=oic.

n amhibian, he said. )arlier. r rchaeotery-, he said, his voice 4uic*enin+, sure we

would *now it. (hat0s that, ?udyD

rchy whatD she as*ed.

rchaeotery-. He si+hed. $he first bird. %t was about the si=e of a crow. %ts feathers evolvedfrom scales. 2tudy the chart on a+es two


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(ho was the *id you hitD % as*ed.

'eifendorf. $hat 'avis bitch +ot the oor bastard all e-cited.

(hat0s oor about himD He bro*e our #uic* +rille and now he0s +oin+ to +et you fired. nd

two minutes a+o he was in here and you were tellin+ him the story of your life.

He0s dumb, 7eter. % feel sorry for him. %t ta*es a rat to love a rat. % swallowed a taste of envyand said, 'addy, this isn0t such a bad reort.

%t couldn0t be worse, he said, stridin+ down the aisle with the windowole. %t0s murder.nd % deserve it. 5ifteen years of teachin+, and it0s all ri+ht there. 5ifteen years of hell. Hetoo* a ra+ from the boo* closet and went out the door. % read the reort over a+ain, tryin+ to+et some icture of immerman0s actual mind. % couldn0t. Cy father came bac*, havin+soa*ed the ra+ at the drin*in+ fountain in the hall. (ith lon+ rhythmic swies shaed li*e

sideways L0s he washed the blac*board. His earnest swishin+ underlined the silence hi+h onthe wall the cloc*, controlled by the master cloc* in immerman0s office, clic*ed, ;umin+from OE1 to OE1L. (hat does he mean, % as*ed, the humanistic values imlicit in thehysical sciencesD

>ou as* him, my father said. Caybe he *nows. Caybe down dee in the atom there0s alittle man sittin+ in a roc*in+ chair readin+ the evenin+ aer.

'o you really thin* the school board will see thisD

7ray not, *id. %t0s on file. % have three enemies on that board, one friend, and one % don0t*now. Crs. Her=o+ % don0t *now if she0s heads or tails. $hey0d love to +et me out of there. Aetrid of the dead wood. lot of veterans on this A% #ill and they0re all +onna need ;obs. Hewas +runtin+ as he washed.

Caybe you should +et out of teachin+, % said. Cy mother and % had often discussed this, butour discussions were cramed, for we *et bumin+ our heads a+ainst the fact that my father0steachin+ was what sheltered us and let us live.

$oo late, too late, my father said. $oo late, too late. He loo*ed at the cloc* and said,?esus, %0m not *iddin+ %0m late. % told 'oc leton %0d be there at OE3/.

Cy face ba*ed with fear. Cy father never went to doctors. 5or the first time, % had roof thathis illness was not an illusion it was sreadin+ outward into the world li*e a stain. !eallyD>ou0re really +oin+D % was be++in+ him to deny it.

He *new my thou+hts, and as we confronted each other throu+h the vibratin+ shadows of theroom a loc*er slammed, a child whistled, the cloc* clic*ed. % called him this noon, my father

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said, as if he were confessin+ a sin to me. % ;ust want to +o and hear him tell how smart he wasat med school. He hun+ the wet ra+ over the bac* of his chair to dry and went to the windowsilland untwisted the encil sharener case and oured a rosy stream of shavin+s into thewastebas*et. $he scent of cedar filled the room li*e the erfume of an offerin+.

% as*ed, &an % +o with youD

'on0t do that, 7eter. Ao to the luncheonette and *ill the time with your friends. %0ll ic* you uin an hour and we0ll +o into lton.

Bo, %0ll +o with you. % don0t have any friends.

He too* the sadly short coat from his closet. % followed him out. He closed the door of !oom Q/Obehind us and we went down the stairs and throu+h the first floor hall and ast the +lintin+trohy case. $his case deressed me % first saw it as a tiny child and still had a suerstitious

sense of each silver urn containin+ the ashes of a dearted sirit. Heller, the head ;anitor, wassrin*lin+ crumbs of red wa- over the floor and sweein+ them toward us with a broad broom.nother day, another dollar, my father called to him.

ch,ja the ;anitor called bac*. $oo soon oldtand too lateschmardt. Heller was a short dar*'utchman with solidly blac* hair thou+h he was si-ty. He wore rimless +lasses that made himloo* more scholarly than most of the teachers in the buildin+. His voice echoed after my father0sdown the hollow len+th of the hall, which loo*ed wet where li+ht from a doorway or window layon it. % was reassured, believin+ that nothin+ as absolute and awesome as death could enter aworld where +rown men could e-chan+e such banalities. (hile my father waited, % ran to myloc*er in the anne- hall and +ot my ea ;ac*et and some boo*s % thou+ht, wron+ly, there mi+ht

be some sace in the comin+ hours when % could do some homewor*. s % returned to them %heard my father aolo+i=in+ to Heller for, aarently, a few mar*s he had made on the floor.Bo, he said, % hate to ma*e the wonderful wor* you do any harder for you than it is. 'on0tthin* % don0t areciate what a ;ob it is to *ee this stoc*yard clean. %t0s the u+ean stable everyday of the wee*.

h well, Heller said, and shru++ed. s % came closer, his blac* shae stooed, so the handle ofthe broom seemed to ierce it. He strai+htened and resented in the alm of his oen hand, formy father0s and my insection, a few dry oblon+s bi++er than ordinary dirt and not readilyidentifiable. 2eeds, he said.

(hat *id would be carryin+ seedsD my father as*ed.

Caybe from an oran+eD Heller su++ested.

ne +oddam more mystery, my father said, and he seemed to shy, and we went out into theweather.

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$he afternoon was clear and cold and the sun above the westward section of town made ourshadows lon+ before us. (e seemed from our shadow to be a rancin+ one


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unusual. Her lis were too lum and ir*somely self


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He0s fifty, % said. He ;ust turned fifty last month. He always said he0d never live to be fifty.

2he frowned in thou+ht, my oor dumb little +irl, and tried to find some words to comfort me,who was so in finitely in+enious at evadin+ comfort. t last she told me, >our father0s too

funny to die. ninthes, but at some oint that time has to become now. nd with this we carried the mystery tothe far rim, and could only return.

Has he seen a doctorD she as*ed, and, as imersonally as an act of weather, her thi+h under thetable had become tan+ent to mine.

$hat0s where he is now. % shifted my ci+arette to my ri+ht hand and casually droed, as if toscratch an itch, my freed left hand onto my thi+h. % should be with him, % told 7enny,wonderin+ if my rofile loo*ed as ele+ant as it felt, ;utou0re ;ust his child.

% *now, % said, sea*in+ 4uic*ly lest she thin* my touch was more than an accident, an incidentof innocent elements. Havin+ +ained my lace, % e-anded it, fannin+ my fin+ers, flattenin+ myalm a+ainst the yieldin+ solid. #ut %0m the only *id he has. Cy usin+ my father0s word *idbrou+ht him too close his wrin*lin+ s4uint, his forward leanin+ an-iety seemed to loom in theun4uiet air. %0m the only erson in the world he can tal* to.

$hat can0t be, she said very softly, in a voice more intimate than the words. >our father hashundreds of friends.

Bo % said, He has no friends they don0t hel him. He ;ust told me. nd with somethin+ li*ethe 4uestin+ fear that made my father, in conversations with stran+ers, +ou+e deeer thancourtesy found common, my hand, +rown enormous, sei=ed the snu+ wealth of her flesh socomletely my fin+ers robed the crevice between her thi+hs and my little fin+er erhas,

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me, $he 7um*in )ater: #onnie feeble mindedly lau+hed, and the air of the lace, where % hadfelt so secure, became dan+erous with words aimed at my face. 2enior boys sortin+ adultoc*ets of shadow under their eyes called to me, Hey, )ater, how0s your old manD How0sAeor+ie 7or+ie uddin0 In0 ieD nce a student had had my father, he did not for+et it, and thememory seemed to see* shae in moc*ery. n emotion of fermented +uilt and fondness would

see* to ur+e itself uon me, the etty recetacle of a myth. % hated it and yet it did +ive meimortance bein+ &aldwell0s son lifted me from the faceless mass of youn+er children and mademe, on my father0s stren+th alone, e-ist in the eyes of these $itans. % had only to listen and seemto smile as sweetly cruel memories tumbled from themE

He used to lie down in the aisle and holler, I&ome on, wal* all over me, you will anyway0R

... about si- of us filled our oc*ets u with horseou +ot a +reat father there, 7eter.

$hese ordeals usually ended with some such unctuous benediction. %t thrilled me, comin+ fromthese tall criminals, who smo*ed in the lavatories, dran* hooch in lton, and visited 7hiladelhiawhorehouses staffed by Be+ro women. Cy obli+in+ lau+h stiffly dried on my face and, suddenlycontemtuous, they turned their bac*s. % rethreaded my way to the front of the luncheonette.2omeone in the booths was imitatin+ a rooster. %n the ;u*ebo- 'oris 'ay was sin+in+2entimental ?ourney. 5rom the rear a chorus of cheers rhythmically rose as the inballmachine, +on+in+ in rotest, +ave u one free +ame after another. % loo*ed bac* and throu+h thecrush saw that it was ?ohnny 'edman doin+ the layin+ there was no mista*in+ those broad,

faintly fat shoulders, the turned


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absolute urity of ambitionlessnessE even his misbehavior was carried forward without anyur+ency or stridence. He did have a criminal recordE once in lton, wild on beer at the a+e ofsi-teen, he had struc* a oliceman. #ut % felt he had not sou+ht this out but rather fell into itcoolly, as he seemed on the dance floor to fall into the stes that answered his artner and madeher, hair flyin+, chee*s +lowin+, ass switchin+, swin+. $he inball machine never tilted on him

he claimed he could feel the mercury swayin+ in the $ilt tri++er. He layed the machines as if hehad invented them. %ndeed, his one *nown connection with the world of hard facts was anac*nowled+ed mechanical ability. utside of %ndustrial rts, he consistently +ot )0s. $here wassomethin+ sublime in the letter that too* my breath away. %n that year, the year % was fifteen, if %had not wanted so badly to be @ermeer, % would have tried to be ?ohnny 'edman. #ut of course %had the timid sense to see that you do not will to be ?ohnny 'edman you fall into it at birth, riefrom the be+innin+.

utdoors % turned the oints of my wide ;ac*et collar a+ainst my throat and wal*ed u the ltoni*e two bloc*s to 'oc leton0s office. $he trolley car released from waitin+ at the turnout bythe trolley that was +oin+ westward into lton as my father and % left the school swayed u the

i*e, full of +ray wor*ers and standin+ shoers comin+ home, +oin+ eastward toward )ly, thetiny town at the end of the line. % had lost erhas ten minutes. % hurried and, havin+ told 7ennyto ray, rayed5et him live, let him live, do not let my father be sic". $he rayer was addressedto all who would listen in concentric circles it widened, first, into the town, and, beyond, into thehemishere of s*y, and, beyond that, into what was beyond. $he s*y behind the eastward housesalready was urle above, it was still dee dayli+ht blue and behind me the s*y beyond thehouses was aflame. $he s*y0s blue was an otical illusion that, thou+h described to me inAeneral 2cience class by my father himself, my mind could only icture as an accumula tion ofli+htly tinted crystal sheres, as two almost invisibly in* ieces of cellohane will to+etherma*e rose add a third, you have red a fourth, crin*lin+ crimson and a fifth, such a scarlet asmust bla=e in the heart of the most ardent furnace. %f the blue dome beyond the town was an

illusion, how much more, then, of an illusion mi+ht be what is beyond that. +lease, % added tomy rayer, li*e a reminded child.

'oc leton0s house, which had his office and waitin+


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$he horror of the sectators was so conscientiously dramati=ed, the ;umble of their flun+ armsand +ain+ mouths rendered with such an intensity of scratchin+, the effect of the whole soderessin+ and dead, that % could never brin+ myself to focus on what the central event wasmyimression was va+uely of a flo++in+. %n the corner of the rint, before % snaed my head awayas if from the initial imact of orno+rahy, % +limsed a thic* linea whiDsna*in+ about a

tiny temle etched with sidery delicacy to indicate distance. $hat some for+otten artist in anirrevocable se4uence of hours had labored, doubtless with authentic craft and love, to roducethis u+ly, dusty, browned, and totally i+nored reresentation seemed to contain a messa+e for mewhich % did not wish to read. % went into 'oc leton0s waitin+


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in fri+ht mi+ht cry, 7hysician, heal thyself: %t was a ity, my mother thou+ht, for in her oinion'oc leton0s +reat talent lay in his hands, was maniulative rather than dia+nostic. 2he oftendescribed how he had ainted and cured a chronic sore throat of hers with one fierce e-ert swabof a lon+ cotton


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'oc leton removed the stethoscoe from around his nec* and laid it on his des*, where itwrithed and then subsided li*e a slain rubber serent. His des* was a wide old rollto full ofbills, ill enveloes, rescrition ads, cartoons clied from ma+a=ines, emty hials, a brassletter oener, a blue bo- of loose cotton, and an ome+a


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%t0d be . K., my father said, if % thou+ht % was any +ood at it. #ut % don0t have the +ift ofdisciline. Cy father, the oor devil, didn0t have it either.

>ou0re not a teacher, 'oc leton told him. >ou0re a learner. $his creates tension. $ensioncreates e-cess +astric ;uice. Bow Aeor+e, the symtoms you describe mi+ht be merely mucinous

colitis. &onstant irritation of the di+estive trac* can roduce ain and the sensation of analfullness you describe. ntil the G


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scattered all over the borou+h. 5irst and second +rade was over by 7ebble &ree* where they utthe ar*in+ lot for the new diner third and fourth +rades were in Crs. )berhardt0s barn that sherented the town for a dollar a year fifth and si-th were in a stone buildin+ on what they used tocall the #lac* cres, because the loam was so dee, over beyond where the race trac* used to be.(henever they0d hold a wee*day race, on $uesdays usually, they used to let us out of class

because they needed boys to hold and comb the horses. $hen for those that *et on ast si-th+rade, by the time % was the a+e they had built the hi+h school at the )lm 2treet corner. Bowdidn0t that loo* +rand to0 us then: $hat0s the buildin+, 7eter, where you went to elementaryschool.

% didn0t *now that, % said, tryin+ to atone for my rudeness before.

'oc leton seemed leased. He rela-ed into his crea*in+ chair so deely his creased hi+h


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>ou, % said. % didn0t want to say it but the word was forced from me. $hat0s how those lin+erbi+wi+s were.

'oc leton loo*ed at me without noddin+ or smilin+ or in any way showin+ that he had heard.$hen he loo*ed into my father0s face, nodded, and said, % wasn0t at the head, but % was u there

retty well. % did all ri+ht for a country boy suosed to be dumb. Aeor+e, have you beenlistenin+ to what %0ve been sayin+D nd without warnin+, in that stran+e way monolo+uistshave of endin+ a conversation as if theirtime has been wasted, he +ot u and went into his innersanctum and made tin*lin+ noises out of si+ht. He returned with a small bottle of cherry


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(hat does that meanD

>ou never *now with 'oc leton what he means.

$hat0s how he *ees his reutation.

He doesn0t seem to li*e immerman but % couldn0t ma*e out e-actly why.

$he story there, 7eter, is that immerman% +uess you0re old enou+h to say this toimmerman0s suosed to have made love to 'oc leton0s wife. %t haened if it haened atall before you were born. $here was even suosed to be some doubt as to who 2*iy0s fatherwas.

#ut where0s Crs. leton nowD

Bobody *nows where she went. 2he0s either alive or dead.

(hat was her nameD

&orinna.

Alive or dead, made love, before you were bornthese hrases, each rich with mystery, renderedthe ni+ht brimmin+ around us terribly dee, and from beyond the far rim li*e an encirclin+serent my father0s death seemed to ti+hten its coil. $he dar*ness that above the heads of thehouses swet ast the stars and enclosed them li*e flec*s of mica in an ocean seemed +reatenou+h to contain even this most mi+hty of imossible events. % chased him, his rofile ale and

+rim in streetli+ht, and li*e a +host he *et always a ste ahead of me. He ut on his ca and myhead was cold.

(hat are we +oin+ to doD % called after him.

(e0ll drive into lton, he said. %0ll +et my G.C.&.. % want you to +o to the movies. Aet in where it0s warm and come u to the >

afterwards. $hat should be about seven


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$here ou+ht to be some way, % said, to ma*e you healthy.

Kill me, my father said. $he sentence sounded stran+e, outdoors, in the dar* and cold, comin+from above, as his face and body hurried forward. $hat0s the cureoun+ Can with a Horn, starrin+ Kir*

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% won more than you did, he answered.

He won the breast stro*e, my father said. %0m roud of you, 'eify. >ou *et your romise tothe best of your ability. $hat ma*es you a man.

2hit if %0d seen that +uy in the far lane %0d0ve ta*en the two


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(hy hell % *now 7eter, Cr. 5oley said, and there was somethin+ deely a+reeable about hishandsha*e, +ritty and warm and easy. $he whole county *nows &aldwell0s boy.

%n their twilit world of >.C.&.s and recreational ro+rams and athletic ban4uets, this sort ofwildly con+ratulatory blarney assed for conversation % minded it less in Cr. 5oley than in my

father, whose affectation of it always seemed to me embarrassed.

Cy father was for all his tal* at heart a man of silence. He wal*ed throu+h the events of thatni+ht in a mood that has become in my memory silence. nce outside, his mouth made a firmline and his heels +athered in the avement with a *ind of aloof +reed. % wonder if any man everen;oyed wal*in+ in the small u+ly cities of the )ast as much as my father. $renton, #rid+eort,#in+hamton, ?ohnstown, )lmira, ltoonaE these were the cities where his wor* as cable slicerfor the telehone comany had ta*en him in the years before and the years ;ust after he marriedmy mother, the years before my birth and Hoover0s 'eression stalled him in the stic*s. Hefeared 5iretown and felt uneasy in lin+er but adored lton its ashalt and streetli+hts andtan+ent facades so*e to him of the +reat Ciddle tlantic civili=ation, bounded by Bew Haven in

the north and Ha+erstown in the south and (heelin+ in the west, which was his home in eternalsace. $o wal* beside my father down 2i-th 2treet was to hear the ashalt sin+.

% as*ed him how his G


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by a ane of cardboard or tin. $he bric* did not yield its true color to the streetlam that lit thearea but instead showed as a diminution of blac*, a withdrawn and deadly +ray. $his same li+htmade the stran+e +ravel here +litter. &omounded of coal chis and cinders, it made a loud andrestless earth that never settled, crac*lin+ and shiftin+ under foot as if its destiny were to beeretually ra*ed. 2ilence encircled us. Bot a window loo*in+ at us was lit, thou+h dee in the

factory a blue +lint *et watch. Cy father and % could have been murdered in this lace and untildawn no one would have *nown. ur bodies would lie in the uddles near the factory wall andour hands and hair would free=e solid into the ice.

$he car was slow to start in the cold. 9nh-uh, unh-uh, the en+ine +runted, at first bris*ly andthen more and more slowly, selfou must be fro=en to death, was his answer. ne more time, he said, and switched thei+nition bac* on and de ressed the starter button with his thumb. %n the ause, the battery had+athered a little ;uice. %t commenced hoefully.

)h-huh, )h-huh, uh-uh, unnh-uh, unnhn-ah, uhhhh#(e scraed the bottom of the battery.

Cy father ulled the emer+ency bra*e a notch ti+hter, and said to me, (e0re in the sou. (e0llhave to try a deseration measure. >ou +et in behind the wheel, 7eter, and %0ll +et out and ush.(e have a little sloe here but we0re ointed the wron+ way. 7ut the car into reverse. (hen %shout, let the clutch out. 'on0t ease it out, o it out.

Caybe we should +et a +ara+eman now, before they close, % said. % was fri+htened of failin+him.

"et0s +ive this a whirl, he said. >ou can do it.

He +ot out of the car and % slid over, accidentally sittin+ on my boo*s and the aer ba+containin+ the %talian sandwich for my mother. Cy father went to the front of the car and as he

stooed to ut his wei+ht into it his +rinnin+ face burned yellow li*e a +nome0s. $he li+ht of theheadli+hts cut across his face so sharly his forehead seemed all *nobs and it was lain howoften his nose had been bro*en when he layed football at colle+e thirty years a+o. Cy stomachclenched coldly as % chec*ed the osition of the +ear shift and i+nition switch and cho*e. t anod from my father % released the emer+ency bra*e. nly the ovoid of his imbecile blue cashowed above the hood as he itched his wei+ht into the car. %t did move bac*wards. $hecrunchin+ of the tires on the +ravel lifted in itch +rindin+ bac*wards we struc* a little declivitythat added a recious bit of momentum the #uic*0s inertia for a moment tu++ed to be free of

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itself. %n a iercin+ sob my father shouted, Bow: % oed out the clutch as % had been told todo. $he car snaed to a sto ;a++edly but its motion was transferred throu+h crusty *nobs andclo++ed ivots to the en+ine, which, li*e a slaed baby, cou+hed. $he motor +ased and shoo*the frame as its cylinders erratically e-loded % ushed in the cho*e halfway, tryin+ not tosmother it, and ;i++led my foot on the acceleratorE this was the mista*e. $witched out of tune, the

motor missed one, two beats, and died.

(e were on the flat. 5ar away beyond the factory wall the door of a bar oened and a slat of li+htcollased into the street.

Cy father flashed to my door and % lurched over, sic*ly ashamed. Cy body burned all over %needed to urinate. 2on of a bitch, % said, to distract with my manliness my father from myfailure.

>ou did .K., *id, he said, antin+ with e-citement as he resumed his lace behind the wheel.$he en+ine0s stiff that may have loosened it u. 'elicately as a safecrac*er, his blac*silhouette ic*ed at the dashboard as his foot robed the +as edal. %t had to be on the first tryand it was. He found the sar* a+ain and nursed it into roarin+ life. % closed my eyes in than*sand rela-ed into the comin+ motion of the car.

%t did not come. %nstead, a faint dis;ointed urr arose from the rear of the chassis, where %ima+ined the corses had been carried when the underta*er owned the car. Cy father0s shadowhurriedly tried all the +ears to each the same faint and unmovin+ urr answered. He tried each+ear twice in disbelief. $he motor roared but the car did not move. $he factory wall echoed bac*the frantic sustained crescendo of the cylinders and % was afraid men would be called toward usout of the distant bar.

Cy father ut his arms u on the wheel and lowered his head into them. %t was a thin+ % had onlyever seen my mother do. t the hei+ht of some 4uarrel or sadness she would croo* her arms onthe table and lower her head into them it fri+htened me more than any ra+e, for in the ra+e youcould watch her face.

'addyD

Cy father did not answer. $he streetli+ht touched with a row of steady flec*s the curve of his*nit caE the way @ermeer outlined a loaf of bread.

(hat do you thin*0s wron+D

Bow it occurred to me he had had an attac* and the in e-licable behavior of the car was infact an illusionistic reflection of some brea*a+e in himself. % was about to touch him% nevertouched my fatherwhen he loo*ed u with a smile of sorts on his bumy and battered urchin0sface. $his is the *ind of thin+, he said, that0s been haenin+ to me all my life. %0m sorry you+ot involved in it. % don0t *now why the damn car doesn0t move. 2ame reason the swimmin+

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team doesn0t win, % suose.

He raced the motor a+ain and eered down ast his *nees at the clutch edal as he wor*ed it inand out with his foot.

'o you hear that little rattlin+ behindD % as*ed.

He loo*ed u and lau+hed. >ou oor devil, he said.

>ou deserved a winner and you +ot a loser. "et0s +o. %f % never see this hea of ;un* a+ain it0llbe too soon.

He +ot out and slammed the door on his side so hard % thou+ht the window mi+ht shatter. $heblac* body swayed fastidiously on its obstinate wheels and then sat castin+ its aer


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wrist. His motions were so ;er*y and chronic that when % first sotted him in the corner of myeye % thou+ht he was a life


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%0m all ri+ht % snaed bac*, thou+h in truth the cement floor of this lace felt remar*ably coldthrou+h the soles of my inchin+ loafers.

% could hardly believe it, but in time the mana+er did return, and he listened olitely to myfather0s tale. He was a short thic*set man with three or four arallel creases furrowin+ each

chee*. He had the airsomethin+ about the set of his nec* in his shoulders e-ressed itofhavin+ once been an athlete. Bow he was wearied and harassed by administration. His hair inthinnin+ bac*wards had stranded a fore loc*, half


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been a bluffer all my life so % can sot another. He was what they call tal*in+ throu+h your hat. %wonder how he +ot to be mana+er of an imortant lace li*e that % bet he doesn0t *now himself.He acted ;ust the way % feel half the time.

(here are we +oin+ nowD

#ac* to the car.

#ut it doesn0t +o: >ou *now that.

% *now it and yet % don0t. % have the feelin+ it0ll +o now. %t ;ust needed a rest.

%t isn0t ;ust the motor bein+ cold, it0s somethin+ in the body:

$hat0s what that man was tryin+ to tell me but % can0t +et it throu+h my thic* head.

#ut it0s nearly ten o0cloc*. 2houldn0t you call CotherD

(hat can she doD (e0re on our own, *id. $he devil ta*e the hindmost.

(ell % *now erfectly well if the car didn0t move an hour a+o it won0t move now. nd %0mfree=in+.

s we wal*ed down 2eventh, % hurryin+ and continually failin+ to close that +a of a ste which

was always between us, a drun* slied out of a dar* doorway and caered alon+ beside us. 5oran instant % thou+ht he was the hitchhi*er, but this man was smaller and further +one inde+eneracy. His hair was wild li*e the mane of a muddy lion and it stood strai+ht out from hishead li*e the rays of the sun. His clothes were reosterously tattered and he wore a fra==led oldover coat around his shoulders in the manner of a cae, so that its emty arms waved andbobbled about him as he irouetted. He as*ed my father, (here are you +oin+ with this boyD

Cy father obli+in+ly slowed his wal* so that the drun*, who had stumbled in s*iin+ sideways,could *ee ace with us.

% be+ your ardon, mister, he said. % didn0t hear your 4uestion.

$he drun* e-ercised an elaborate, leased control over his intonation, li*e an actor marvellin+ athis own erformance. h ho ho, he rumbled softly but distinctly. >ou dirty, dirty man. Hewaved his fin+er bac* and forth in front of his nose and eered at us ro+uishly throu+h this windshield


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$o me he said, >ou +o home, boy, home to your mother. (e had to sto or else bum intohim. $his is my son, my father said.

$he drun* turned from me to him 2o 4uic*ly all his clothes fluffed u li*e feathers. He seemedto be not so much dressed as shin+led in ra+s, layer on layer of torn multi


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24uintin+, shoulders bac*, chest reenin+, the drun* with i+eon di+nity steed into my father0stall shadow and, loo*in+ u, told him carefully, %0ll be ready to die when you and everybodyli*e you is loc*ed u in ;ail and they throw away the *ey. >ou can0t even let these oor *ids reston a ni+ht li*e this. He loo*ed over at me under frownin+ eyebrows and said, 2hall we call thecos, *idD "et0s *ill this old nance, huhD $o my father he said, (hat about it, chiefD How

much is it worth to you not to have me call the cos and have you ic*ed u with this flowerDHe inflated his chest as if to shout, but the street dwindled northward toward infinity withoutuholdin+ another visible soul;ust the ainted bric* fronts with the little railed orchescharacteristic of lton, the stone stoos now and then bearin+ an ornamented cement flower


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transarent by starli+ht and madness. (al*in+ this way we met the windou0re .K.: >ou0re .K.:

(here are we +oin+D % as*ed.

$o a hotel, my father said. $hat man brou+ht me to my senses. (e +otta +et you into whereit0s warm. >ou0re my ride and ;oy, *id we +otta +uard the silver. >ou need slee.

(e must call Cother, % said. !i+ht you are, he said. !i+ht you are. $hereetition left me with the imression that he wouldn0t do it.

(e turned left into (eiser 2treet. $he wealth of neon there made the air seem warmer. nelace was +rillin+ hot do+s in the window. 5i+ures li4uid in the li+ht oured ast, shouldershunched, faces hid. #ut they were eole and their e-istin+ at all e-hilarated me, came to me as a

blessin+ and a ermission to live myself. Cy father turned into a narrow doorway % had nevernoticed. %nside, u si- stes and throu+h a blan* double door, a surrisin+ly hi+h oen sacecontained a des* and an elevator ca+e and some massive stairs and a few frayed chairs all sun* inon themselves and creased. n the left a *ind of screen of otted lants held voices and asystematic clin* of +lass on +lass, li*e a flat bell rin+in+. $here was an odor % had not smelledsince, as a child, % would be sent on a 2unday evenin+ to buy a aer ail of oysters at the lace,half


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Aloria0s a hell of a nice +irl, my father said limly.

little wild, her mother thin*s.

% never noticed that.

little too fond of the boys.

2he0s always been the erfect lady with me.

$he other man turned and selected a *ey ta++ed with a +reat wooden disc. %0ll +ive you a roomu on the third floor so the noise from the bar won0t be a bother.

% certainly areciate this, my father said. &an % +ive you a chec* nowD

(hy not wait till mornin+D the little bent man as*ed, the dry s*in of his face twin*lin+ as hesmiled. % +uess we0ll all still be here. nd he led us u a narrow stairway with a li+htly twistedbannister whose varnished surface undulated under my hand li*e a cat ecstatic at bein+ stro*ed.$he stairs wound around the ca+ed elevator shaft, and vistas of sottily careted halls seemed tooen at every landin+. (e went down one hall and our footstes rattled in the +as betweencarets. t the end of the hall, beside a radiator and a window overloo*in+ (eiser 24uare, thecler* alied the *ey to a door and it oened. Here was our destinationE all ni+ht in i+norance wehad been windin+ toward this room, with its two beds, its one window, its two bureaus, its onena*ed overhead bulb. $he cler* switched the li+ht on. Cy father shoo* his hand and told him,>ou0re a +entleman and a scholar. (e were thirsty, and ye +ave us drin*.

$he cler* +estured with a shiny criled hand. $he bath room0s behind that door, he said. %thin* there0s a clean +lass in there.

% mean, you0re a +ood 2amaritan, my father said. $his oor *id here is ready to dro.

%0m not at all, % said. 2till irritated when the cler* had +one, % as*ed my father, (hat0s thename of this awful laceD

$he Bew >or*er, my father said. %t0s a real old


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(hy dontwe have any moneyD % as*ed.

%0ve been as*in+ myself that for fifty years. $he worst of it is, when % write them a chec* it0llbounce because % have twentyou don0t seem to have the ;ums li*e % did when % wasyour a+e. $u++in+ the door a touch imatiently, so that the half


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successive flashes, an incandescent ret=el. #eneath its feet, olychrome letters alternatelyroclaimedE

(" 7!)$)"2Bone #etter

(" 7!)$)"2

Bone #etter

$his si+n and the lesser si+nsan arrow, a trumet, a eanut, a tuliseemed to ossessreflections in mid


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Cy father seemed to come into the room at this moment, so % must have fallen aslee. Cy lisfelt swollen, my bare le+s boneless and lon+. His +reat shadow cut across the stri of in* li+htthat the lowered shade left standin+ alon+ the wall by the corner. % heard him set my boo*s downon our table. >ou aslee, 7eterD

Bo. (here have you beenD

% called your mother and l Hummel. >our mother tells me to tell you not to worry aboutanythin+, and l0s +oin+ to send his truc* in for the car in the mornin+. He thin*s it sounds li*ethe driveshaft and he0ll try to +et second


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Cy father was already u and dressed. He stood by the window, its shade raised, and loo*eddown at the city stirrin+ itself into the +ray mornin+. $he s*y was not clear clouds li*e theundersides of lon+ buns unrolled beyond the bric* hori=on of the city. He oened a window, tosavor lton, and the air tasted different from yesterday0sE milder, rearatory, stirred. 2omethin+had moved nearer.

'ownstairs, our cler* had been relaced by a youn+er man, who stood strai+ht and did notsmile. Has the old +entleman +one off dutyD my father as*ed.

%t0s a funny thin+, the new cler* said, without smilin+ at all. &harlie died last ni+ht.

HuhD How could he do thatD

% don0t *now. %t haened around two in the mornin+, they said. % wasn0t suosed to come onuntil ei+ht. He ;ust +ot u from the des* and went into the men0s room and died on the floor.Heart, it must have been. 'idn0t the ambulance wa*e youD

(as that siren for my friendD % can0t believe what you0re sayin+. He was a wonderful &hristianto us.

% didn0t *now him very well myself. $he cler* acceted my father0s chec* only after a lon+e-lanation, and with a doubtful +rimace.

Cy father and % scraed to+ether the chan+e in our oc*ets and found enou+h for brea*fast at adiner. % had one dollar in my wallet but did not tell him, intendin+ it to be a surrise when thin+s+ot more deserate. $he counter of the diner was lined with wor*men soft


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from the doors in airs.

s my father and % strode alon+ the avement that divided the school side lawn from Hummel0ssalley, a little whirlwind sran+ u before us and led us alon+. "eaves lon+ dead and brittle as oldbutterfly win+s, an a4ua candy wraer, flec*s and dust and seed


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and even as a hotel bellho and restaurant dishwasher. %n 19Q/ he enrolled in "a*e &olle+e, near7hiladelhia, and, with no financial assistance save that en+endered by his own efforts,succeeded in +raduatin+ with distinction in 19QO, havin+ ma;ored in chemistry. (hile comilin+an e-cellent academic record and sustainin+ a demandin+ schedule of art


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of the council of the 5iretown )van+elical


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@%

2 % "> B C> !&K various ersons visited me. 5irst came Cr.

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Updike, John - The Centaur

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