2

Inthepast,cuttingupnewspapers,photographs,andothermagazineswasbusinessas

usualattheGargoyle.There’snearlyadecade’sworthofwonderfullystrange,chaoticandanarchicissueslikethis.Partofthiswasadecisionofstyle,butbeforecomput-

ers,cuttingandgluingontoaboardwasthewaymaga-zineswereassembled.

X-Actoknives,rubbercement,andfrighteninglylargephotographicequipmentwasthenorm.Itwastime-consuming,buttherewasacertainfreedomandaccessibilitytothe

process. Nowadays,wedothingsdigitally,butdigitallayoutisfarfromperfect.There’sabitofalearningcurvewithsoftwarelike InDesign (We love Adobe!), which can be daunting to the uninitiated. Even if you know what you’re doing, you often find yourselfcursingthemachineandshoutingsomethingalongthelinesof“IFIHADAPAIROFSCISSORSANDAGOD-DAMNGLUESTICK,ICOULDHAVEBEENDONEANHOURAGO!”Also,sittinginfrontofacomputerforhoursisjustnotasmuchfunascuttin’shitup. AsIunderstandit,atatheoreticallevel,humorisbasedonironicjuxtapositions.Yourbasicjokeformulais:[SETUP]+[UNEXPECTEDCONCLUSION]=[HUMOR].Absurdisthumortakesthisevenfurther,wheretheunexpectedconclusionisaboutasunexpectedasanythingcouldbe.HowcouldMontyPythonbefunnyifthiswasn’ttrue?Thisissue,Ibelieve,takestheconcepttoitsextreme. Humorisnotan‘action’inthesamewaythatwritinganovelcanbe.Humorhastocomefromsomethingelse–asociety,asituation,etcetera.Therehastobeabasisfortheexpectationintheaudience,orotherwisethejokedoesn’tmakeasmuchsense.Mostofthisissueistakenfrombooks,magazinesandGodknowswhatelse.Thisisyoursocialdetritus,America!We’rejustspinningitbackatyou. Isthisart?Prosewriting,especiallyentertainingwriting,neverseemstopassmusterasart.There’salsothefactthatwithintheGargoyle,oneismorelikely to find words like, “frotteur,” “cunt,” or“wankdandered,”which,Ibelieve,precludeonefrommembershipintheartisticcommunity(orsignalimme-diateinduction–artiscomplicated!). Also,ZackBeauvais,themas-terbehindtheFoghatarticlereceivedaveryniceChristmascardfromthebandthatshowedusjusthowslowaridecouldbe.TheGargoyleismov-ingupintheworld,yessir.

ByMax

Bytheway,thisishowI’vealwaysseenmyself.

4

Dear Ms. Stemworthy,

As always, we wholeheartedly throw our support behind Mr. Sen.Dr.Edward Kennedy as our candidate for President of these United States. Though he is not of-ficially running, we believe that he will make a surprise announcement on the eve of the convention. It is our understanding that he is too busy living in the shadows of his brothers and being bitter and drunk to actually campaign, though the latest polls suggest he would be an easy front-runner. We also hope that Senator Kennedy chooses former president Clinton as his faithful run-ning mate and brother in debauchery. As far as you and Gov. Romney are concerned we would like to extend our gratitude for potentially delivering such a defeatable candidate for the Democratic party. Kudos.

Chappaquiddick in ’08,Gargoyle

Dear Wenley,–––

Want a fuckin’ medal or something?

-Gargoyle

5

Yaser was also not credited in the last issue. I’m sorry! -Ed.

6

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9

heItalianRenaissancehaslongbeenknownasatimeofenormousinnovationintherealmsofart,mathematics,andphilosophy.Butinhisnewbook,Medici to the Moon: The First Space Race,famedhistorianDr.GiacomoMarenziosuggestsweadd“rocketscience”tothatlistaswell.

Thebookisbaseduponacollectionofblueprints,letters,andessaysdiscoveredlastwinterinthebasementofTuttiFrutti,aFlorentinegelateria.

“SoonaftergettingmyhandsontheFruttiPapers,itbecamecleartomethatthiswasbig—reallybig,”Marenzioexplainedinapreparedstatement.“Iknewrightawaythattheywerethebiggest historical find of the century.” The papers, he claims, are plans for the first ever manned missions to space. He estimates thattheydatebacktoearlyinthe16thcenturyand,basedonhandwritinganalysis,thatnearlyeverybignameoftheRenaissancewasacontributor,fromDaVincitoMichelangelotoMachiavelli.This16th century “dream team” was assembled and funded by the influential and obscenely wealthy Medici family to tackle what is described in the Frutti Papers’ mission statement as “the final frontier…thelandofourHolyFather.”Thisramblingtwelve-pageoutlinefortheprojectgoesontodescribeindetailsuchissuesashowtobreachthe“glisteningvaporousspheres”whichsurroundtheEarth,howman’shumorsrespondtochangingairpressure,andwhetherornottheywouldbestoppedatsomepointbySt.Peter. Three men piloted the first ever spacecraft, powered primarily by a substance similar to gunpowder and a rudimentary bicycle: Cosimo the Bald, a Medici flunkie considered expendable enoughtosendonthevoyage;LorenzoTenaglia,aslow-wittedblacksmithrelegatedmostlytopedaling;andtheelderlybutvivaciousLeonardodaVinci. All evidence in the papers seems to indicate that their first attempt failed, at least in that they didnotarriveinHeaven.Theyinsteadspentfourdaysinorbitbefore—thankstoDaVinci’singenuityandTenaglia’smechanicalskill—managingtoreentertheatmosphereand,remarkably,landintheAdriatic,notfaroffthecoastofRavenna.Cosimo,aweakswimmer,tragicallydrownedbeforehereachedtheshore.Atthispoint,thedisappointedMediciwithdrewfundingfromtheprojectandthescholarswereforcedtocontinueontheirownwind. The team responded to its initial failure with slight twinges of agnosticism and a firm determinationtomakethemostoftheirnewknowledge.

ByCathyFisher

“Atthatpoint,Iwasforcedtoextrapolatealittle,”Marenzioadmitted.“Comparedtothebeginningoftheirventure,thereisalmostnodocumentationonthisfinal phase.” A few cryptic sketches andlettersseemtoindicatethatconstructionbegan,inextremesecrecy,onanewproject. Thisprojectwastheworld’sfirst ever space station. More shockingstill,thisspacestationmaystillexist—wejustknowitasPluto.Althoughthevastmajor-ity of the scientific world holds that Plutoisalarge,frigid,rockymasslocatedmorethan4.4billionkilome-tersawayfromtheSun,Marenzio’sresearchindicatesthatitisamere12milesawayfromthesurfaceoftheEarth,only200feetindiameter,andwhatweperceivetobethesurfaceoftheplanetissimplyalargepieceofpaintedcanvasoverawoodenframe.Thisframeshieldsthebulkofthestation—anairtight,pressurizedItalian villa. Working closely with art historians, Marenzio has identified Michelangelo as the painterofthecanvasshieldbytheprofusionofidealizedyoungmenandmannishwomenwithersatzbreastsintheshadowsofcraters.It’sapparentbythenumberofdevicesattachedtothestation’sexterior(includingwings,rudimentarypropellers,andaswarmofbats,eachindividu-allytiedtothevilla’sroofbyastring)thatnoneofitsdesignersknewexactlywhatwouldbenecessarytokeeptheirgrandfortressofsolitudeinorbit. Despitetheseseemingineptitudes,it’sclearthatthestationwasasuccess.Itremainsinexcellentconditionandseemstostillbefollowingitsintendedorbitalpath.Moreastonishingstill,thermal imaging has indicated that after five hundred years, life is still present within the villa. NASAiscurrentlyworkingcloselywithItalianlinguiststoplanamissiontodeliveracarefullydraftedletterandseveralattractivepre-pubescentboysasapeaceofferingtowhateverremainsoftheRenaissance,sinceattemptstocontactthemwithmodernmeanshavesofarbeenunsuccessful. Marenzio’sbookconcludesthusly:“Allofthisisfantasticandwonderful,ofcourse,butintheend,arewereallysurprised?”

This rare sketch, made public here for the first time, has been attributed to both Da Vinci and Michelangelo.

13

15

‘TwasthenightbeforeChristmas,whenallthroughthehouseWentthoughtsofMammaremovingherblouse;

AtdinnerMomandDadhadhadtoomucheggnog,MomrippedoffherclothesandDadwhippedouthislog;

Wechildrenwentshakingwithfeartoourbeds,WithfrighteningvisionsofMomgivinghead;

Wetwithexcitement,herfaceindad’slap,Shesuckedhimretardedandemptiedhissac;

Whenhewasdonetherearosesuchaclatter,Momsmirkedwithprideasshewipedoffthespatter.

Afteraminutesheaskedhimformore,Andhereplied,“Whyyouloose,dirtywhore…”Theyclimbedthestairsandcontinuedinbed,

Nowwecouldheareverywordthatwassaid.ThemoonlitMom’sbreasts,herside,thenherback,

Assheturnedandasked,“Baby,pleasefuckmyass.”Then,atmypa’ssurprisedeyewasatear,

HisoneChristmasdreamwouldcometruethisyear;HerubbedKYJellyalloverhisdick,

Andwhispered,“Thismightbedonesortaquick…”Morerapidthaneaglesoncocainedidhecome,Andhewhistledandshouted,ashefuckedMammanumb;

“Ohshitthisisgreat—myhotsexyVixen!ShitYES!I’mcoming!OhFUCKthisisbitchin’!

Nowgetonyourback—letmeseethattwat!Yourcuntsmellssotangy—itgetsmesohot!”

Ashescreamed,Ithought,“DearGod,why?”Thencamemorepounding;Istartedtocry.

Andsouptomorningtheyfuckedthemselvesblue,Momjustkeptonthinkingofnewthingstodo.Icouldn’thandleit,beggedfornomore,

Ithoughttomyself,“Man,Momisawhore.”Idrewmycoverstomyhead,butfrowned,

Theresimplywasnowaytodrownoutthesound.Idecidedtoendthis,andwalkedtotheirroom,

Andfoundmydadscrewingmymomwithabroom.Iquicklyattemptedtocovermyeyes,

Buttomyhorror,Istartedto…rise.Beforemyparentscouldseemeatall,Isprangfromtheroom,andIrandownthehall;

At first I froze in confusion and fear,ButthenIwashitbysomeChristmascheer;

Ifeltformyparentsastrongsenseoflove,Thensprintedtoruboneoffinthetub;

Iwentbacktobed,feelingallright,Andsaid,“MerryfuckingChristmas.

Whatagreatnight.”

O’Donaldlooksupatmefromthebottomoftheshallowgravewithhisnoseandmouthburiedintohissleeve,andshakeshishead.Hetriestolookgrimanddetermined,butreallyhelookspaleandnauseous.I shake my head back at him. Poor rookie -- your first homicidecaseisalwaysthehardest:youseethingsyou’ve only read about in case files but never actually seenwithyourowneyes--thekindofshityoudon’teverwanttoseeagain.Hell,evenaftertwentyyearsontheforceworkingcaseslikethisasmybreadandbutter,Iain’tneverseenanythinglikethisone.Decapitatedbodiescoveredinbrightbluepawprintsjustaren’tthatcommon. Icheckthefacts:Countysepticservicesreceivedacallfromtheneighborswhohadbecomedistraughtoverthe“disturbing,putridodor”comingfromtheyardnextdoor.Itdidn’ttakethemlongtostumbleacrossthebody,buriedonlyafewinchesbeneaththesurfaceofthelawn.That’showmostshallowgravesgetfound–-peoplenoticethesmell.That’swhywegetsomanycallsrightafteritrains.Longstoryshort,mypartnerandIgotcalledinalongwithacoupleofsquadcarstotapeoffthecrimesceneandstartdiggingforleads.Thepeoplenextdoor identified the body –- minus the head –- by its lime anddarkpeppermintgreenstripedsweaterasthecorpseoftheirneighborSteve,acheerfulyoungmaninhislatetwenties.Theywentontodescribehimas“amentallyretardedman-child”anda“slightly-less-creepyPee-WeeHerman.” Istartmyinvestigationinthehouseoftherecentlydeceased–-anightmareofbrightpastelsandcrookedly-drawnwallsanddoors.Uponcloserinspection,Idiscoverthatallofthesurfacesandfoundationsofthehousearedrawnoutofcrayon.Andallofthefurnitureinthehousecanfuckingtalk.Whatkindofgod-forsaken place have I wandered into? The first objects I

picturesofSteveonthewallandpullitdown. “Who’sthisinthepicturewithSteve?”Iaskthealarmclock,whocallshimselfTick-Tock. “That’sBlue.” “Who’sBlue?” “She’sSteve’sdog.They’realwaysplayinggamestogether.” “Whereisshenow?” “Idon’tknow;shedisappeared.She’salwaysrunningoff.” Interesting.Itakethepicturewithme.I’monmywayoutofthehousethroughthekitchenwhenIspottheknifeonthecountertop.It’salong,serratedsonofabitch--thekindyoumightusetocarveaChristmasturkeywith,oraperson.Onthesideoftheshiningbladeisanotherbluepawprintidenticaltotheonesonthebody.Iputonglovesandpickitup.AssoonasIdo,allofSteve’stalkingshitburstsintotheroomlikeaparade,dancingandsinginginacirclearoundme. “ACLUE!ACLUE!YOUFOUNDACLUE!!!” “Whatthefuck?” “ACLLLUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE!!!!” “No,stopit,I--” “CLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” “GoddamnthisSatan-house!Mycharacterisonethatonlyunderstandstheworldintermsofoverly-grim

andawkwarddance,andhisbrightredalarmclocksaysthatStevefosteredadeeploveforchildren’sgamesanddrawingswhichhekeptinhis“handy-dandynotebook.”Itakealookatoneofthe

comeacross--apairofsaltandpeppershakerswithFrenchaccents--tell

meStevewas“ahappymanwithnoenemies.”Thebarofsoaptells

mehewaspronetoenthu-siasticoutburstsofsong

binaryopposites!”IgritmyteethandpuntTick-Tockintotheceilingfan.ThenIstep

Blue’s Big Chill ByTheJaw

back outside to find my partner. I can hearoftherestofthehouseholdobjectscontinuingtorejoiceevenafterIslamthedoorbehindme.O’Donaldisexaminingthebodywithourforensicsexpert. “Ifoundaclu--ImeanIfoundsomething.”Ishowthemtheknifewiththepawprintonit.“Myguessisit’sthemurderweapon,andthisismyprimarysuspect.”IshowthemboththepictureofSteveandBlue. “Theknife-as-the-murder-weaponpartofyour

theorysoundslikely,”O’Donaldreplies.“Thisbodyiscoveredinpuncturewoundsonthechestandback.I’mstill waiting for the Blacky the lab technician to finish up here,though.” “Blacky?” “Yeah,youremember.He’stheinspirational,well-spoken,never-angryAfrican-AmericanfellowwhogrewuponthehardstreetsofComptonbeforegraduatingfromPrinceton.HehasaPh.D.inForensicScienceandbachelor’sdegreeinStreetSmartsfromtheSchoolofHardKnocks.HealsobearsastrikingresemblancetoIceT.Weaccepthimbecauseheprovidesuswithapositive,non-threateningAfrican-Americanrolemodelthatsoothesourhiddenracialprejudicesandassuagesourwhiteguilt.” “Ohright.Whathaveyougotforme,Blacky?” “Man,growinguponthestreetswastough.I’msorrytosaythatallofmytestsarefairlyinconclusive.Thereisabsolutelynosemenonthisbody,whichleadsmetobelievethatthiscrimewasn’tcommittedbyahumanbeing.ItcertainlysupportsyourtheorythatBlue

DidImentionthatI’mfromthestreets?” “Don’tworry,Blacky.Weknowyouare.”IsmileasIpathimontheshoulderpaternally. “Hey,what’sthat?”Blackypointsbackatthehouse.Leaningnexttothebackdoorisashovelwithbloodonitsbladeandabluepawprintboldlystampedonthehandle.“Aclue!” “No!Don’tsaythatword!”Itrytowarnhimbutit’stoolate.Thecircusofhappyhouseholdobjectssmashesthedoortosplintersandlinedancetheirwayacrossthelawn. “ACLLLUUUUEEEEE!BLACKYFOUNDACLLUUUUEEEE!”SaltandPep-perchorustogether,holdingalofttheirchild,Paprika. “ALLHAILTHECLUE-FINDER!”Tick-Tockhobblesforward,smilingthroughhissmashed-inface. “IthinkIknowwhathappenedhere,”O’Donaldraiseshisvoiceoverthenoiseoftheirjubilations.“Fedupwithyearsofbeingtalkeddowntobyamentallychallengedadult,BluetookituponherselftostabStevetodeathintheyard.Afterwards,shedecapitatedhimwiththeshovelandburiedhiscorpseinashallowgrave,keepingtheheadofherformertormentorasagrotesquetrophy!” “YAAAAAY!!YOUJUSTFIGUREDOUTBLUE’SCLUES!!”Themyriadofassortedappliancesandspicesburstintouproariousapplause.TheycrowdbeneathO’Donaldandliftthesmilingrookieintotheair.Blackyissmilingtoo,laughingexcitedlyabouthowharditistogrowuponthestreetstoanyonewhowilllisten.Goodjob,O’Donald,IthinktomyselfasIgrindmyteethtogetherandcovermyears.You’rethenewwonderkiddetective,andI’m

killedSteve:Allofmyyearsofforensicstudieshavetaught

methatanordinarycriminalwould

thegrizzledveteranwho’sseenonemurdertoomany.Iturnbacktowardsthehouseandleavethegigglingcelebration

havedefinitelyejaculatedonthebodyafterkillinghim,maybemorethanonce.

behindmetoseeifStevekeepsanytalkingcigarettesinhisdrawersormaybesometalkingwhiskeyinhisfreezer.Ifeeloldandtired:I’mgoingtoturninmybadgeandmyguninthemorning.Considermyassretired.

CHIMERA CATALOGUEByWillHilzingerThankstoarecent(andquestionablylegal)acquisitionofgeneticwasteandusedmedicalsupplies,PlayinGodCorp.isproudto

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The Hamster/ScorpionDoyouhaveahamster?Areyoutiredofdailyfeedings,replacingwaterdishes,andplainoldevolutionaryweakness?Thenthisisthepettoown!AnadorablecombinationoftheTeddyBearHamsterandtheSouthernDevilScorpion,thiscuddlychimeracanlastfordayswithoutattentionoracknowledgement!And,ifyoutickletheSterpionjustright,it’llstabitselfinthehead!ThepetwithendlessindependenceANDentertainmentvalue.Justwatchyourtoes,andenjoy!

The R

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iththedeadlystunofoneofthesea’sgreatestpredators,it’s the guard dog you H

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The S

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The Mongoose/Flamingo/PlatypusLook,wejustwantedtotrythisoneout.It’sprettyfunny.Ittwitchesalotanddroolseverynowandagain.Onegood thing is that scientific studies have proven its tears to possessnumerousmedicinalproperties.*Itmaynotbetheliveliest,butyou’resuretobetheonlyoneonyourstreetwithaFlamatagoose!Giveusacallandputinyourorder.Hell,gettwo!They’renotgoin’anywhere.*No,theyhaven’t.

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26

“O,youChineses,ifChinesesbe,Saytomeyourmenu,yourgoodAndmightylistofgreatvittlesProcuredfromAtlasheightsInOrientclimes.PoultrypiecesstrippedOffeatherandbonethrownDown,fromatubwhereinSeveralotherpiecesoflikemeatsWhichdoliefrozeninagreatice,AsIdidintheStygianwastesOfHell’sgreatnorthwhereIlayBrokenandbeatenbeneaththeheeloftheLord,IntothedeepestdepthoftheendlessDeepfryer.TherethemeatsdomixandmingleTurnandwritheindeliciouslygreatpain,ChickenandBeefandPorktogether,Theunholymixtureofmeatschurns,Deliciousbubblesofgreaseandfattygristle.FromthatgreatPancarnimoniumtherecomesThemightypopulousofthesteamtrays.GeneralTso,thegreatestamongtheMongoloidsForeverrememberedinbattleWhenshieldclashestospearWhen sword finds its mark in the breast Ofitschosenenemy,whenbatteredchickenSurvivesharshoilsintheendlesspitOfthatStygianfryer,andmeetsadeliciousbrownsauceSosingthehymnofTso.TheLoMein,anoodletowhichIcanrelate.TakenfromtheheightsofgloryImbuedwiththegloriesofboiledwaterTobecomeadeliciousandsweetentréeTemptingtobehold,suretocarryatasteThatwouldstirthestoniestoftonguesAndwouldexciteallthehumors.Likethatnoodle,didIbelievemyselftobePowerfulbeforethethroneoftheLord,AndlikethatnoodleIdidshakehisthroneAndknockoveraverynicetableAndmanagedtobreakoneofhisbaywindowsBeforeIwasthrowndownwithStygianireIntothatgreatpitwhere,likethenoblenoodle,

27

IwasfrieddeepthroughtomyverybeingAnddotothisdayrejecttheloveofGod,Unlikethisweaknoodle,laidlowToLoMeinitis,seekingredemptionInasweetandsaltysauce,toseeitIstobedisgusted,theweakestofnoodlesUnabletostandproudinitstormentToshakeitsappendagebeforethebenevolence,Forwhomtothenoodlewouldlikelybeachef,Andtocryoutinanger.YetdoIdesireThisgreatfeast.BlestbymeisthesoupThatisbothsweetandsour.BeforeGodandmanItbearsnoclearface,nodistinctionofitself,Viscous,Duplicitous,deliciousuponmyspoonSanguineincolorandfoulbeforetheLordYetbelovedtome.AndatopthismightyfeastThiscaloricmass,agreataffronttoGodhimself,DoIdemandabefriedrolledeggcontrivance.Takechoppedcabbage,culledfromtheveryEarthThatGoddidspreadMan,andplaceitwithinabatterAddtothisveritablemixturepiecesofthatmeatOfpigwhichtheLorddidsodetest,untilrecentlyWhenTheHighestoftheThronedidchangehismind,Which should be cooked above a Stygian flame,AtopaStygianskilletcraftedbysmiths,With Stygian craft and malice upon fiery forgeWheredoesgrowtheredStygianplumeOf Stygian fire taken from Stygian wastesToburnwithStygianmaliceandtocookThatgoodeggroll.TheseIdemand,TheseIrequireandbelievethanIwouldpaynomoreThan the sum of ten and five for this great food.Andatip,openorunderstood,mayberesolved.”

Edward Teller, the father of the Hydrogen Bomb, pictured here with

President and noted tool, Ronald Reagan. Also pictured: Johnny Depp.

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