GMOT All the news that’s fit to kick LA TRIUMPH Ghost Man on Third SEASON 3, EDITION 4 APRIL 24, 2008 GHOST MAN ON THIRD Inside this edition of GMOT: Making soccer players an offer they can’t refuse ...Page 2 Trombones shake off the rust against Balls Deep...Page 3 Awards for the good, the bad and the douchie...Page 4 Dane gets the flip cup scores right this week...Page 5 Fritz dishes out some kudos for classy play...Page 6 • • • • • The Greek’s luck is turning around...Page 7 People say stupid and funny shit...Page 8 Some words of wisdom from one of the Alcoballics...Page 9 Captains muse about their team’s place in the league...Page 10 Kickballers—They’re just like US!...Page 20 • • • • • SHAKE YOUR BRASS (watch yourself) This, ladies and gents of the LA Triumph, is what kickball is all about. HEALTHY competition in what’s becoming one of the greatest LA Triumph rivalries, a late-inning defensive stand, a win by the slimmest of margins, and, of course, a brass band. There’s been squabbling adnauseum about everything from the rescheduling of games to the appropriate level of lighting at the bar but all that seemed to go away with the sound of brass and the broken dreams of Balls Deep. Thanks to the Bones and The Deep for reminding us why we play this game and here’s to seeing more of it in the weeks to come. Balls Deep and the Oxidized Trombones prove competition and class aren’t mutually exclusive
Transcript
GMOT All the news that’s fit to kick
LA TRIUMPH
Ghost Man on ThirdSEASON 3, EDITION 4 APRIL 24, 2008
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Inside this edition of GMOT:Making soccer players an offer they can’t refuse ...Page 2Trombones shake off the rust against Balls Deep...Page 3Awards for the good, the bad and the douchie...Page 4Dane gets the flip cup scores right this week...Page 5Fritz dishes out some kudos for classy play...Page 6
•••••
The Greek’s luck is turning around...Page 7People say stupid and funny shit...Page 8Some words of wisdom from one of the Alcoballics...Page 9Captains muse about their team’s place in the league...Page 10Kickballers—They’re just like US!...Page 20
•••••
SHAKE YOUR BRASS(watch yourself)
This, ladies and gents of the LA Triumph, is what kickball is all about. HEALTHY competition in what’s becoming one of the greatest LA Triumph rivalries, a late-inning defensive stand, a win by the slimmest of margins, and, of course, a brass band. There’s been squabbling adnauseum about everything from the rescheduling of games to the appropriate level of lighting at the bar but all that seemed to go away with the sound of brass and the broken dreams of Balls Deep. Thanks to the Bones and The Deep for reminding us why we play this game and here’s to seeing more of it in the weeks to come.
Balls Deep and the Oxidized Trombones prove competition and class aren’t mutually exclusive
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 2
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
A MESSAGE FROM TheGodfather
Kikcballers,
Wow the season has started to fly by already! The standings are starting to shape up and this is some of the best kickball I have seen yet. Best of all our pay-per-view match up of RT vs. Balls Deep had a brass band during the game. How cool was that? Big props go to RT and Balls Deep for doing that together.
I really do want to say that a league is nothing without its players, and I think we have some of the best players, people and personalities around of any organization. That said it is time for a segment I will call…Travis’ soapbox.
Look I get it. I know the umpiring is not perfect. Someone’s strike zone will be different than another umpire’s. Calls will go against your teams and the others, but I am tired of people bitching and moaning about volunteers who are trying their hardest out there. You disagree with a call fine. If you are a captain or co-captain and wish protest a call fine, but do it in a respectful manner.
Maybe some of you have watch Lou Pinella a little too much or maybe you got as many hugs as a child as a stripper did when she was young, but you have got to calm down… this is kickball. We will not be able to keep umpires nor have the same people continue to umpire if people continue to be dicks to them. Umpiring like anything in life, it takes practice, and honestly I think we do have really good umpires who volunteer to do a thankless job and are tremendous at it.
If you do not like the umpiring then do something about it. Take the time to actually read the rules…I know…big concept….and volunteer to ump a game. (Travis steps down from soap box to a stand-ing ovation).
Ok we can return to normal now. I will say this, I am really proud of how great, fun, exciting and cool our league is. I can honestly say I have met the majority of my friends through kickball, and I will do anything to help make this league better.
At this time I would also like to give mad props (I can say that right?) to the board for all their hard work and consideration they put into this league. Do them a favor and buy them a beer or go home with them.
The Godfather
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TheGodfather
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 3
LA TRIUMPH DIVISION TEAMSEAST DIVISION WEST DIVISION
Blue Balls
Johnny & The Cobra Kais
Swampstains
Chuck Norris & The Roundhouse
Victory by Da Feet
Freeballin
The Ike Turner Memorial Beatdown
The Royal Tanneballs
Looking to Score
“Royal” Trombones
Balls Deep
Alcoballics
Green Monkeys
Henry’s Uptown Kickball Giants
Kickin’ it Old School
Caniballs
Henry’s Uptown Kickball Giant 6, Kicking it Old School 2
“Royal” Trombones 1, Balls Deep 0
Looking to Score 1, Alcoballics 0
Green Monkeys 2, Caniballs 0
Johnny & The Cobra Kai 7, Swampstains 1
Chuck Norris & The Roundhouse Kicks 1, Blue Balls 0(Forfeit)
Freeballin 5, Ike Turner Memorial Beatdown 4
Royal Tanneballs 4, Victory by Da Feet 2
WEEK 1 KICKBALL SCORES
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 4
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
AND THE AWARDS GO TO...LA Triumph is a democracy (not to be confused with the oppressive regime run by the WAKA suits in Washington...but don’t get me started), so your votes decide who is honored for their skills - be it on the field or in the bar. Want the recognition next week? Play better, flirt more or be more of a tool. Either way your name will be in lights.
GAME OF THE WEEK: The Trombones answered any and all critics and re-gained some league wide respect with their narrow, but decisive victory over Balls Deep in what may have been the most exceptional game in league history. RT capitalized on one of only a few errors in this defensive battle to score the only run. This was simply a great game to watch and play in. Oh, and both teams hired a kick ass Brass Band!
MVP-DUDE: Richard Roth of the Rusty Trombones who scored the go ahead run in the game against Balls Deep with head first slides into 3rd and Home. Honorable Mention: The Captains of Balls Deep and the Trombones for recognizing the need for a little levity and therefore hiring The TBC Brass Band.
MVP-LADY: Mary Martin Roth – from RT - for her play at shortstop getting the lead runner out and preventing what would have been a game tying run; Honorable Mention: Renee from LTS who fought a soccer player to win back the field.
FUNKY FEET (BEST TEAM OFFENSE): Henry’s Giants, they are gaining a great deal of respect in the defensively superior Western Division.
GOLD GLOVES (BEST TEAM DEFENSE): Rusty Trombones – Excellent defensive display by RT, especially at the corners and in pitching. Honorable Mention: Chuck Norris...3rd shut out in a row...albeit by forfeit.
SUPERBAD (WORST TEAM): Swampstains are catching some heat for starting 0-3, but I don’t get it. I still think this is a team that can topple some dreams. Honorable Mention: Balls Deep offense who was held to their first shutout ever.
COLIN FARRELL (MALE FLIRT): Charlie Mann of the Cobra Kais allegedly whipped his penis out and waved it around at some point in the evening.
PARIS HILTON (FEMALE FLIRT): S.S, Amanda from Looking to Score (we may need to rename the award after her and disqualify her from being nominated, which would deprive her team from what seems to be a unified purpose to award this to her each week).
LORD DOUCHEBAG (Male Douche(s):LADY DOUCHEBAG (Female Douche(s): There are no Douche bags this week. In spite of many nominations the Awards Czar has suspended this Award at least for one week. For the time being, we are Douche bag free. This is after all, only a game. Let’s continue to play hard and make friends. Kickball is for some reason very emotional, let’s all try to keep it in perspective.
(Editor’s Note: I am completely aware this page is lacking a bit in terms of visual aesthetics but time was running too short for an image search that would have yielded the appropriate pictures to make fun of people. Please accept my sincere apology and know that next week the awards page will be back to its beautiful self. Thanks.)
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This week’s theme is WORK IS INTERFERING WITH MY GOD-GIVEN INALIENABLE RIGHT TO PLAY KICKBALL.
Second week in a row I’ve missed the field because of work. And not my last- I’ll be out of commission again next week too. Christ, my layoff between home games is about as long as the Saint’s six week break on their upcoming schedule (unless you of course count our “home” game in jolly old England). I basically paid $60 to be Flip Cup Chair. But hey, at least I got another t-shirt out of the deal, right?
Fear not, little chil’ren! While my Asian counterparts are surely feeling my absence on the field, you can always count on Uncle Dane making it out to the bar to settle all your Flip Cup disputes. We all know this is a drinking league with a kickball problem anyway…
THE FIRST RULE OF FLIP CUP IS….DON’T FUCK UP THE START OF FLIP CUP. Toast, table, drink. Toast, table drink. Just a friendly reminder for the eight of you that caused restarts this week.
***End Editorial Rant***And now, on to the action…..
LOOKING TO SCORE 3 ALCOBALLICS 1Who’d have thought that the kickball score would actually be closer than the Flip Cup results?
TROMBONERS 3 BALLS DEEP 0Balls Deep should have brought the brass band to the bar to play for them. Couldn’t have done any worse.
HENRY’S KICKBALL GIANTS 3 OLD SCHOOL 0Old School gave us their best Bottom of the Fifth imitation by bringing out as many ladies as possible to flip. Unfortunately, the one guy they had at the table couldn’t hold up his end. Hey, you’re playing with seasoned veterans out there!
BLUE BALLS 3 CHUCK NORRIS 1There is no way you could ever convince that Chuck Norris gets blue balls. Until this match at least. Blue Balls had almost three perfect rounds of flippage. Nobody wants Blue Balls, do you hear me? No one.
COBRA KAI 3 SWAMPSTAINS 1 A Mouth-less Cobra Kai has no problem taking care of business.
GREEN MONKEYS 3 CANIBALLS 0Winner of this week’s MOST PAINFUL GAME TO WATCH AWARD (that’s not a good thing fellas). Though not nearly as painful as watching Travis trying to get friendly with the ladies. You’d think his job came with perks….
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 5
FLIP CUP RECAP
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Chuck fell upon hard times this week.
This guy gets to go to more Saints games this year than
most of us
Talk about flip cup all you want, just don’t Fuck it up...
UMPING WITH AN IRON FIST
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 6
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
FLIP CUP RECAP CONTINUEDTANNEBALLS 3 DA FEET 2Da Feet showed up with only thee people, but was allowed to play anyway. They started in a hurry, winning the first two matches, before the fact that two ladies had to drink twice per round started to catch up with them. A valiant effort!
FREEBALLIN’ 3 IKE TURNER 0Ike loses to a newbie? And gets shut out no less?
FLIPPERS OF THE WEEK: A tie between Blue Balls’ dominance and Freeballin’s sur-prise victory against a veteran team known more for their drinking than their exploits on the field.
Til next week,
Bono
1) COBRA KAI & SWAMPSTAINS – Since I was scolding certain members of their league for their deplorably childish behavior last week, I thought I’d spread some love this week. I umped the Cobra Kai/Swampstains game and – everybody had a good time. There was no yelling at umps or other players, no whining, no finger pointing, just a bunch of people playing kickball and having fun. This, I think, is what most people envisioned when they joined the league, not “Hey, I’d like to spend $60 so I can play intermittent stretches of kickball in between screaming at people and whining.” So, here’s to you, Swampstains and Cobra Kai. I enjoyed umping the game.
2) First Base Umps (be clear and be loud) – The biggest complaint I’ve gotten about first base umps this season is clarity. If there’s a really close play at first, and you just say, “out” or “safe” in a normal indoor voice, then virtually everyone on the field will have no idea what you just called. Yes, you made the call right away, but that doesn’t matter if no one knows that you did. Be loud, decisive, and use big, obvious hand gestures to indicate out or safe. It’s not just the players who need this. Your home plate ump is going to be looking at you to make the call and if you’re not clear, your home plate ump is going to be left hanging.
3) Strike zone - This has been another frequent complaint, and one that will probably always exist to some degree, just as it does in major league baseball. The ball must bounce at least once before crossing home (especially important to remember when umping an overhand pitcher) and the strike zone is a foot on either side and a foot above. Check out this link – www.kickball.com/flcentral for a brief two minute video that very nicely demonstrates the approximate distance of a foot in all directions.
As always, thanks so much to the umps for volunteering their time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the face of flip cup.
Fritz isn’t always a hard ass. This week he dishes out some priase for good sportsmanship. Then he tells the umps where they’ve been fucking up.
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GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Now we are back in business. Sans a little underestimating the Alcoballics persuasive shot give away techniques to beat a spread and the Trombones deciding to funk up the Western Division, the Greek had a good week. Hate the forfeits though. Taking a bet off the line is not my style. Now for week 4.
Caniballs (0-3) vs. The Royal Tanneballs (2-1)A 0-3 start is the traditional welcome to LA Triumph. Don’t worry, either you will get better or get drunker. Ask the Alcoballics. Davis and company on the other hand jump out to a surprising 2-1 start. Go figure. The royal tan has been know to practice on occasion so I’m going with them. Royal Tan by 1.
Kickin It Old School (1-1-1) vs. Swampstains (0-3)Oh kickin it! So much hope for you guys as you opened up the season with a win. The Giants put a stop to all that thinking. Swamp-ies, a brutal opening schedule got you to this point. Time to turn it around with a dose of KOS. Swamp by 2.
Balls Deep (2-1) vs. Ike Turner “Memorial” Beatdown (1-2)The Deep drops a 0-1 heartbreaker to the R.T.s as the band literally played on. Ike fell to some rookie upstarts to keep the Greek happy. In our oldest of rivalries, Balls Deep has given Ike more to fear then just the thumb. Gonna have to start counting the victories on two hands next week. Balls Deep by 5.
Looking to Score (2-1) vs. Victory by Da Feet (0-3)Looking to Score with an Asian looked more like Looking to retake Iwo Jima. Flags flying and defense holding strong keeps them in the thick of the west at 2-1. After dancing with the Royal Tans, Da Feet is now looking at going 0-4 in the hole this week. The empire of the rising sun keeps on kicking. LTS by 3.
Alcoballics (0-3) vs. Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse (3-0)Don’t think the shots were the only thing slowing down LTS’s lineup … the Alcoballics can play a little defense as well. The game of the week ended in disappointment as Blue Balls had to forfeit to Chuck. Just another reason the Greek thinks marriage is a bad idea. The 8-ball sees a 0-4 start for the Alcoballics. Chuck by 4.
Henry’s Uptown Kickball Giants (3-0) vs. Freeballin (3-0)The best of the rookies will clash this week in the late game. Henry’s Giants took old school back to school last week to stay perfect on the season. Freeballin silenced Ike Turner to do the same. Which one of these teams is for real? 8-ball says “Reply Hazy.” Either way it goes this one will be fun to watch. Giants by 1.
R.T. (2-1) vs. Johnny and the Cobra Kais (1-1-1)The trombones proved they got heart and soul by taking down the mighty Balls Deep in a 1-0 nail biter. Some of them even found time to play along with the band. Classic! Johnny got back into its Fall season form by lighting up the Swampies, no mercy style. A repeat of last season’s semi finals with a different outcome as R.T.s have a dry field to work with. Trombones by 1.
Green Monkeys (1-1-1) vs. Blue Balls (1-1-1)This game was hyped up all preseason as the Monkeys were supposed to be an adopted child of the BB’s. You think Farris wants to put LTS back on Blue Balls schedule instead of the Green Monkeys now? Blue Balls take their first loss since the championship game of Spring 2007, albeit a self-inflicted forfeit. They bring a whole lot of frustration to the field this week. Sorry Monkeys, you don’t suck less this time. Blue Balls by 8.
Now if you excuse me, I have to speak to Commissinor Goodell about the Saints; trip to Chicago in the middle of Decemeber … AGAIN! WTF?
The GreekLast Week’s Record (6-1 Overall 5-2 on the Spread with 1 forfeit)Season’s Record (13-10 Overall 12-11 on the Spread)Forfeits - 1
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 7
HANDICAPPING BY THE GREEK
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
A random selection of quotes from week 2. The names are not listed to protect the innocent (unless you say something really really stupid). Said something funny but it didn’t get listed? Feel free to submit quotes to Decker at [email protected]
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 8
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
(Potty Break)“Why have I been pissing like I’ve had sex all night?”
(Still Talking Smack)Kickballer #1: “Did you see us 2nd line on the field today?Kickballer #2: That’s because you’re Not Balls Deep, Balls Deep first lines!”
(Individual achievement)Kickballer #1: “Hey, last week I got to 3rd base!Kickballer #2: And how was it? Good for you?”
(Too drunk to perform)“Any girl who sleeps with me tonight is a freakin’ idiot.”
(Good advice)“Just remember to wrap it before you tap it!”
“YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT”
(Random yet funny)“Have you met Kelly and Andy yet?Or as I like to call them, Pot and Kettle.”
(Speaking in obscenities)“You though that was bad? My boss makes me sound like a god damn nun”
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GHOST MAN ON THIRD
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 9
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Having read this season’s newsletters and heard the bickering, whining, and complaints around the league, I’m moved to a Jerry Maguire manifesto writing moment.
The beauty of adult kickball is the possibility of a stress-free, pretense-free haven in the middle of the workweek.
Look around the league, and talk to the players. You’ll find doc-tors, lawyers, accountants, managers, mothers/fathers, etc. - folks who that afternoon may have been in a multimillion-dollar or life and death situation, had a rough day at the office, had to figure out how to make their rent/mortgage that month, or had an argument at home with their kids/spouse.
Stripped down out of suits, scrubs, and uniforms and into tee shirts and gym shorts, the kickball field is a place to momentarily escape the very real concerns of adult life. Concerns and pressures of impressing a client/customer are replaced with the joy and frivol-ity of impressing a cute guy or girl. Drinking coffee and water is replaced by drinking beer. Florescent lights and institutional white walls are replaced by sunshine and green grass.
Kickball and flipcup are, by their very nature, competitive games. Without good competition, they would be no fun. A competitive spirit is good, when kept in check by reason. (e.g. Cheating is a result of a competitive spirit absent reason.) As adults, we must keep our competitive spirits in line with the activity. Outside of our league, find a sane adult to brag to about winning a kickball or flipcup game. Is their inevitable, resulting smile one of pride or pity?
Clearly, this season of kickball faces plenty of new challenges as the league continues to approximately double in size each season. There are more teams. There are new players. There are new umpires. There is new leadership. There is a new “bar.” Aspects of each of these pose hurdles in making the season run smoothly and as much fun as possible.
To the new teams and players, welcome! The more the merrier! Other than logistical issues (capping registration, requiring more fields and umpires, and a bit more adherence to the rules/regula-tions), these changes pose little problem and there are now that many more possible random hookups.
As for the new umpires and leadership, I don’t want the job, do you? New umpires are learning the rules. New leaders are finding their skills. These folks don’t get paid a dime, and they’re doing their best. Stop into a board meeting to hear the lengthy and fiery debates about the most trivial aspects of how things are done, and you’ll immediately understand that they’re trying to do what’s right for everyone. Both the umpires and board are taking on the responsibility so the rest of us don’t have to do anything but… play.
The new bar is just that, new to being a bar. Except for Thursday nights, it’s a restaurant. Anyone who’s worked for or owned both a bar and a restaurant will tell you that there are vast differences between the two. Salt Water Grill is experiencing some growing pains in trying to cater to our needs: lines at the bar, lighting, mu-sic, seating, etc. Our leadership is working with them to make it the best environment possible. The Salt Water Grill has a financial investment in the league; it paid to be our sponsor. It’s now up to their service to turn that investment into a financial gain for their business. Likewise, should this league want a bar to sponsor next season, it’s in our best interest to work with them and show some patience.
Go to any bar in a foul mood and a closed mind, and you’ll go home even more upset than when you arrived. Go to the worst bar imaginable with nearly 400 of your closest, Thursday-night friends (with whom you spent the previous hour pre-partying), and by the end of the night you’ll be singing Journey songs at the top of your lungs.
I look forward to the rest of the season with the confidence that to-gether, we can achieve the full potential that kickball has to offer. Having one more outlet for stress in our busy weeks could save our jobs, our relationships, and us from time in psychoanalysis. There are only three things kickball cannot save: our livers, our souls, or us on Friday morning.
See you on the other side of the big, inflatable, red, bouncy ball!
~ Alcoballic Scribe
P.S. Kudos to the R.T.’s and Balls Deep for turning their game last week into a free concert for the rest of us. Few acts could better illustrate the sentiments I’ve tried to express above.
IT’S NOT A MEMO...IT’S A MISSION STATEMENTAn anonymous member of Alcoballics puts down the sauce long enough to serve as the voice of reason for a LA Triumph league that may be losing sight of why we are playing a game designed for kids in elementary school.
CAPTAIN’S CORNER
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 10
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Ike Turner Memorial BeatdownAll I can say is “Thank God Josh from Freeballin’ doesn’t wear cleats.”
On a close play at third base, I decided to give it my all and slide into the bag. Now, I am pretty much the very definition of skinny. Josh (Freeballin’s 3rd baseman) is a big dude. The throw tailed to-wards second base as I slid, and as Josh lunged for the throw, we got tangled up, and he ended up stepping on my chest (there was nothing intentional or dirty about the play, we just got tangled up).
In this league, we’ve had concussions, we’ve had broken ribs, we’ve had players needing stitches, but if Josh had been wearing cleats, I would have been the first kickballer to be impaled during a kickball game. So, thanks Josh for sticking to tennis shoes (and thanks also for not landing on my nuts or throat). I can’t remember what I said or what noises I made while this happened. I’d like to believe I handled it in a manly, stoic manner, but I probably shrieked like a 12-year-old girl seeing Justin Timberlake in person.
At least I was safe on the play and eventually scored a run, even though we lost the game. Here at the Ike Turner Memorial Beatdown, we’re all about the moral victory. And kudos to David for taking on the most difficult position in kickball (pitcher) while Mike was out of town on business.
Anyway, at least our schedule should be easing up next week with our game against…oh, crap. Never mind. Suffice to say, Balls Deep can be assured that at no point in the game will I attempt sliding into a base with Chris or Barre on it.
Green MonkeysThis past week the Green Monkeys racked up their second non- loss, AKA our first win in kickball. We dispatched the Caniballs with our killer D and superb base running. In the words of The Greek, “The Green Monkeys suck less.” We proved this to be true.
In other News-
Flip cup domination!!! The Green Monkeys had a couple of subs in last weeks flip cup game, but once again, we dispatched our oppo-nents with ninja-like efficiency. We finished them off with a flawless round of flip cup! The Caniballs had no clue what hit them. Infact, one of the Caniballs’s players asked, “Why did I come out tonight?”
This weeks game against the Blue Balls is bound to be a good one. Both the Green Monkeys and the Blue Balls are going into this game with the same record. Something no one expected to see after our slow start.
Welcome to the captain’s corner. Here you’ll find long diatribes (you know who you are) about how awesome each team thinks they are and why they are not only going to beat each week’s opponent, but how they are going to so thoroughly embarrass them that their own mothers will refuse to be seen in public with them. One thing to keep in mind: Sarcasm can be a double-edged sword. Use it correctly and kickballer’s across the city will be laughing their asses off as they waste time at work. Use it incorrectly and everyone will think you’re a dick. You have been warned.
An artist’s rendering (though admittedly terrible) ofFritz’s third base encounter during last week’s game.
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GHOST MAN ON THIRD
CAPTAIN’S CORNER CONTINUED
SEASON 3, EDITION 34 PAGE 11
GHOST MAN ON THIRD
Looking to ScoreOh the Alcoballics! Just like that illegitimate child you didn’t know you had from a drunkin spring break hook up in college that you find out about several years later … and secretly you’re proud of how they turned out (i.e. glad they are not brain damaged). On a drunkin night back in the early days of LA Tri-umph, the original band of miscreants known as LTS had one too many drinks, and torrid love affair with a bottle of Evan Williams ensued. After leaving it cab fare, the relationship was never to be spoken of again. But it was not to be as a little kickball team was conceived. From the loins of LTS was born a new team. A team that cared not about victories. A team that cared not about reputation. A team with a combined B.A.L. in the high .35’s. Yes folks, as she has come of age and the child support is in the mail (I swear it is!), we can announce to the world that the accidental love child of LTS and bottle of Liquor is the one and only Alcoballics. And like the red headed step-child it is, Alcoballics got their first whipping at the hands of Looking to Score with an Asian. For the Child Protective Services report, it went down like this.
Early distraction tactics filled the fields as Riley, Leah, and a few other ballics began pouring shots of Crown, Jaeger, and Absolute down the throats of LTSWAA’s starting lineup. Now rest assured that the Chinese Bandits had played drunk before, but this level of drinking this early outside of Mardi Gras was uncharted waters. It would explain the complete lack of motor skills shown by our lineup as only 1 run was generated by the smart base running of Kenon “The Barbarian” in 5 innings. It got so bad behind the plate that our fearless Sensei, Asian “One Flip” Teddy, recorded our first strike out of the season. How does one strike out in kickball you ask? I have no idea. We are talking about a target 12-16 inches in diameter, brightly colored, and moving about 10-15 mph that you get three tries to hit. For his complete lack of foot/eye coordination, our Sensei has been given a new patch for his robes. In the end LTS only the one run as the stellar defense pitched its second shut out of the season to seal the victory as LTS stormed the field with the Red Dot flying proudly!
The true battle for honor lie in wait at the Flip Cup Table. How would this epic battle play out? Would the $500 flippers continue the complete break down of motor skills that occurred in week 1? Would it be a season of disappointment for all the LTS chanting fans out there? Hells no! It came down to the wire but under the leadership of Asian Teddy and Joe the Enforcer, victory came in the style of 3-2 nail biter. Richard … Your Kung Fu is not Strong!
On to next weeks match up. After a brutal three game western division stand we venture into the east to kick a little ass. Victory by Da Feet! Our fortune cookie says “0-4 in your future”. Let’s see what you got on the fields.
Pork Fried Rice!!!!!!!*
*Please note that the members of Looking to Score …with an Asian are flag waving, tax paying, baseball loving, constitution hugging Americans on every other night of the week. However on Thursdays our lust for Reverse Cowgirl and California Rolls overtakes us and we celebrate our Asian influence by waving the post WWII defeated Japanese flag as it is a highly recognizable symbol of the Far East and it looks like a kickball. In an odd twist, Asian Teddy is in fact of half Thai and half Cambodian descent, not Japanese. Have fun with it kids.
Oh?...Crap!
Merit Badge for a Spaz
It’s called humor...Look it up.
CAPTAIN’S CORNER CONTINUED
SEASON 3, EDITION 4 PAGE 12
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“Royal” Trombones“Around the Horn”I would first like to apologize for not contributing a captain’s corner entry last week (vacation). We had tons of fun playing the Alcobalicis in week 2. Not only were we able to get back in the win column and get the ship righted, but we were able to get our swagger back. And it couldn’t have come at a more pivotal time. With a monumental game looming with the Dark Lords of Kickball, The Trombones could not afford to show any signs of weakness. Hardcore and his Black Nights would have smelt it from a mile away. But alas, we were ready. We were focused.
As we expected, it was a pitchers duel. Both defenses were stout and with both teams in mid-season form, the smallest mistake could cost one team the game. After five, brutal, physical innings, we took the field for a final stand. Up 1-0, we just had to hold Balls Deep scoreless to preserve the win. After Balls Deep loaded the bases with no outs, it began to look like they just might impose their will. But in true champion fashion, The Trombones dug deep. “T-Pain” made a terrific leaping catch at 1B for the first out, immediately sending the ball home to try and stop the runner who had just tagged at 3B. “The Senator”, our heady pitcher, recognizing the throw did not have the mustard to get home in time, cut it off, and in the same act of catching the ball, managed to shovel it to “The Creeper”, our catcher, at home plate. Steadfast, “The Creeper” held on to the ball despite the violent collision that ensued. Double play. Two outs. A grounder to first by Balls Deep would signify the end of a classic chess match between two very com-petitive teams. Dorignacs Male MVP of the week goes to Richard “David Lee” Roth for his hustle around the bags and scoring the only run of the game. The Lee Press-On Female MVP of the week goes to “Mar-Mar” for her outstanding play at shortstop to out the lead runner. Now as exciting a game and finish as we had, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that what added an extraordinary air of excitement to this game was that both teams played to a soundtrack that was the T.B.C.... Brass Band. A more perfect pairing of sport and music has rarely been witnessed, making this game not only an instant classic, but quite possibly the most important game in the history of kickball. I would like to give a special Thank You to Andy Farris from Balls Deep who was “instrumental” in the vision, coordination and procurement of the band. Myself and the league are very appreciative of your efforts. Good show! “Flippin Out”Wow! I am astonished! After this latest romp in flip cup over Balls Deep, we have now summarily beaten a “Dynasty” team from LTS, then gone 3-0 in our last 2 outings. To top that off, we fielded a 5 woman “Rusty Tuba” at Henrys Bar Friday Night, just to get in some reps and scope out our main competition at the table. I don’t know if I could be any prouder of this unexpected turn around. “Center Stage”This week center stage we have Claiborne! Claiborne is a stock broker who, when he is not investing the college funds of his client’s children, is buying those same underage co-eds daiquiris and giving them stock “tips”. “Feel Like Funkin It Up”Well, Well, Well. Looky Looky. Kelly got a cookie. I guess, what with all the hoopla from last weeks game with Balls Deep and our upcoming showdown with Blue Balls, I guess you Cobra Kais thought we forgot about our little match we have scheduled this Thurs-day. Or should I say our little rematch? Don’t think we aren’t still steaming about last season and how you ended our quest for the title. We have had this game circled for quite some time. Oh, what’s that? You say you’ve gotten better? You say you’ve added the Roubion Bros. and with Bart and Scotty and Charlie, you have the ingredients you need to pull off another “upset”? I will concede that you have some nice athletes on your squad. But I still question whether you can match our intensity from a coaching standpoint. I guess we will find out soon enough, when The Johnnies and The Trombones go to Lettin it Roll!!!!
The Ladies of the R.T. celebrate their win over The Deep.
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Chuck Norris & The Roundhouse KicksChuck Norris’ reputation has preceded him as the Blue Balls decided to not even show up to the kickball fields with a full team. No doubt they feared the same wrath that had been bestowed upon Stains and Johnny in weeks prior. Nonetheless, a fierce kick to the baby maker will be awaiting the baby blue kickballers when these titans clash in their epic weekend battle sometime later this year. Just remember only supporters of freedom and liberty are invited to watch what will no doubt be the game of the year. All nay saying supporters of the fascist evil empire that is Balls Deep can stay their distance. Either that or they too shall receive a punishment more lethal than an atomic bomb—the right foot of Chuck Norris.
MVP of the game goes to the 4 ladies of Chuck who showed up to prevent a double forfeit on the fields. Thank you Andrea, Ann, Erin, and most importantly Maggie.
What the F@$k! moment of the night goes to Shay and Scott from Blue Balls who despite being banned from the flip cup team managed to pull out a most impressive win against a sub-par performance by Chuck. Apparently, they were in the drunken zone and did not display their usual inability to flip a cup. While you did save face a rematch of the two teams will no doubt take place so that Chuck can once again regain the glory that he deserves.
Chuck now focuses their unblemished record against the lushes of alcoballics. Forget the seven step program to becoming clean. Chuck has a one step program to sobriety—better known as a roundhouse to the face. We will not be denied a victory because in the words of Rick Flair: “To be the man, you have to beat the man.” And since Chuck really isn’t a man, but the second coming of Jesus Christ himself, defeat seems inevitable for this under matched team. 1….2….3…Roundhouse!
Chuck Norris fact of the week: Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse…horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
The Royal Tanneballs FamilyWeek 3 found the Tanneballs in good spirits. We called a family meeting in order to discuss strategy. Although the fruits of our efforts failed us in the first inning, we were able to adjust to claim a 4-2 victory over the not so aptly named Victory by Da Feet. Our energy was also rewarded on the Flipcup Table as we are able to claim our first victory at the table, which gave us our first clean sweep!
Since a picture is worth a thousand words, to help our readers we have included an in-game diagram. The Royal Tanneballs are the stars out in the field. The X’s are the umpires. And the Zeros are the other team lining up to fail miserably.
In our weekly award section:
Donald earns a tennis racket for his kick that started the rally we used to win the game.
Ginger gets a wooden tennis racket for her stellar play at the Flipcup Table. I am not sure if I am ok with the fact that she kicks ass at flipcup and is an engineer!
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AlcoballicsQuestion: What’s more beautiful than an Alcoballic offering you a beer?
Answer: A merrily roaming band of Alcoballics slinging shots of ice-cold Absolut, Crown Royal, and Jägermeister into cartoon animal-decorated, paper cups.
As a veteran team, Looking to Score was prepared to face the Alcoballics on the field as they largely obeyed the team rule, “No do-ing shots with the Alcoballics until after the game.” The strategic maneuver paid off, and the Alcoballics’ only competitive advan-tage became as helpful as an employee at the department of motor vehicles. Still, in an awesome, impressive showing of athletic prowess and superhuman ability, the Alcoballics lost by the smallest margin yet – one meager, measly, stinking, lonely run.
In the prior two weeks, the Alcoballics have played two of the arguably best teams in the league (Balls Deep and R.T.’s), losing by a cumulative total of 23 runs and allowing an average of a dozen runs per week. LTS actually managed to beat the R.T’s in week one; however, LTS was only able to score once on the Alcoballics. Clearly, either LTS is falling apart or the Alcoballics are starting to realize that you can drink your way through double vision.
Sadly and strangely, the Alcoballics lost to the $500 flippers, creating the Alcoballics’ first ever flipcup losing streak. In the weeks to come, rest assured, the Alcoballics will be working harder than their livers to re-earn their reputation as one of the most feared teams at the flipcup table. After all, there’s only one flipcup team that has an actual cheering section – it’s not just Alcoballics cheering on their teammates.
Following their second victory over the Alcoballics, LTS remained humble at the bar, recognizing the Alcoballics’ strength, as one of their players corrected Asian Teddy’s boasting of his team’s drinking ability, “No man, they’re the Alcoballics. We’re not even close to drinking like they do.”
The Alcoballics face Chuckie next week. Which naturally raises the question, “Who did Richard piss off in the scheduling depart-ment so that these are the first four teams of our season?”
~ Alcoballic Scribe
Henry’s Uptown Kickball GiantsThe Giants had a busy week breaking hearts and spirits on the field, at the table, and everywhere in between. We started the game off strong with a 3-0 lead over KOS; it was going to be a shutout again? Oh no, think again. We had an abominable 3rd inning where our defense made some incredible mistakes and lead us to allow 2 runs. After drowning our sorrow in beer and believing we could actually lose this game if we didn’t get our acts together, Deuce selflessly sacrificed his body to benefit the team. His face/shoul-der/elbow/hip plant into home forced an overthrow and allowed one more runner to bring the lead to 5-2. We clinched the victory at 6-2 over KOS. We need to recognize the other players who ran it in: Jim (twice), Bridget, and Peepants (twice). We’d like to give props to KOS for giving us a competitive game and allowing us to realize that we can actually suck (once in awhile).
On the flip cup table, KOS unfortunately didn’t have a chance. We swept them 3-0 in approximately 60 total seconds. This brings our record to 3-0
The Giants look to be in good spirits
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Henry’s Uptown Kickball Giants Continued...hearing complaints that our schedules have been too easy. You all know we don’t get to choose who we play. Stop complaining that you lost a game or 3. This game is also important because of an “outside of the league” rivalry in the Tulane/LSU Wheelbarrow Race. Henry’s Uptown Bar and members of Freeballin are Tulane/LSU rivals, respectively, in the race. Let’s see who’s a better kickball team because we all know we are equally impressive drinkers!
On a different note, it has been said in a previous edition of this newsletter that we take obscure sports too seriously, and to that we say quit bitching. We understand that you spent your entire childhood in those pansy-ass peewee leagues where you are given a one-inch trophy and free ice cream just for showing up, but you’re all grown up now. If you are (hypothetically) down 8 runs, don’t expect the team that is giving you a severe beating to get themselves out. Just because you can’t bring the defense, doesn’t mean you can expect us to do it for you. And that doesn’t make us vaginas; it makes us good at kickball.
To complete this rather verbose insert, we were so inspired by the musings of Timothy Dennis in last week’s GMOT that the Giants would like to present the top ten reasons of what we like best about kickball (this week anyway): #10. getting to act like a kid again; #9. chugging a beer and then inducing a would-be kicker to foul out when attempting to bunt; #8. never imagining that something so simple and childish could be so much fun for everyone, whether they’re good at it or not drinking; #7. that most of the teams we beat are gracious losers and don’t take it personally; #6. hanging out with WAKA players at Henry’s Uptown Bar on non-league nights; #5. being challenged by members of other teams to play flip cup on a Friday night at the bar we play out of and then crush-ing their egos; #4. going to practice on Saturday at 2pm and leaving the bar at 2am; #3. being told that the team that has the most fun at kickball is the one that loses, I guess we wouldn’t know how to have fun at kickball then; #2. using it as an excuse to drink for the 5th night that week; …and the #1 thing we like best about kickball is…playing with big, red, dusty BALLS!
Cheers!
Johnny and the Cobra KaisWhat a difference a week makes. The Johnny’s took to the field last Thursday like a team on a mission. We were focused and ready to go. We decided to go back to the basics, and it worked. Poor little Swampstains, didn’t know what hit them. There was strategy, bunting, sliding, aggressive base running, smack talking...ah, it was beau-tiful. Sweet, sweet kickball, I have missed you (please don’t leave me again, it was lonely). The Johnny’s finally added a win to their record, which means we are tied with Blue Balls in 4th place for our division, which is further evidence that there are no guarantees in kickball (and that Freeballin’ and Davis’ team haven’t actually played anyone good yet). Oh, and we won flip cup. Wax on. Wax off. Next!
After a crushing blow from Mr Norris’ sunflowers a couple of weeks ago, the Johnny’s took time to look within to reflect on the many mysteries of this wacky Waka world. So many question, and not enough answers. For example: Who are the Johnny’s? Will Blue Balls and Balls Deep ever realize they are mirror images of one another? Why is that guy on Henry’s Giants called Pee Pants? Will Renee put her fist in her mouth again this year? Can Decker score with that many lights on at the bar?
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Johnny and the Cobra Kais Continued...Well, clearly, these questions can’t be answered overnight. But, to help us get a little zen, the Johnny’s looked to the Master of the Crane Kick, Mr Miyagi. Under the tutelage of Mr Miyagi, we gathered at our Dojo (a.k.a., anywhere but Saltwater Grill), and
created perfectly sculpted bonsai trees for the league (it’s Earth Day, bitches! Jeez...leave it to a Johnny, always giving back, selfless really). As we snipped away at the little green leaves to create our perfect bonsai trees for you ungrateful fuel-guzzling, plastic-jello-cup-shot/syringe-taking de-stroyers of the universe, we remembered that kickball is a marathon (and by marathon, I mean, we just have to get through these damn 10 weeks, and then we can kick all of your asses in playoffs), not a sprint, and that only time would help us answer these questions. Except of course, the one with Renee and her fist. Duh, of course she will. And, well, the Pee Pants one seems self-explana-tory, but I am fascinated. Hey, Pee Pants call me!
This week, we play R.T., who is still dancing in the streets from their musical victory against Balls Deep. How in the hell did ya’ll lose against LTS, again? Well, enjoy the music while it lasts R.T., because this week, the only tunes you’ll be hearing are the ones at the Jazz Funeral we’re hosting for you this Thursday night.
And on a side note, congratulations to the catchers of Blue Balls and Balls Deep, both of whom got married this past weekend. No, not to each other (not that the Johnny’s think there is anything wrong with that, we are a team of the people)...coincidence, I think not. Please, try to tell me these 2 teams aren’t awkwardly similar...Luke, I am your father...Please, stay tuned in future newsletters for an in depth analysis (think: behind the music, MTV Diary) of Blue Balls and Balls Deep: The Story of Two Teams and a Broken Trophy. You think you know, but you have no idea.
Happy Earth Day!
Kisses.The Mouth and her Johnnys
Blue BallsUnable to field a team last week, Blue Balls accepts its forfeit on the field. Apologies are in order to Chuck Norris since everyone knows how disappointing a forfeit can be for both sides. We hope to play yall in the near future.
Congratulations are in order, however, for the Blue Ball flippers. From all accounts, the 3-1 score was misleading as Blue Balls dominated a very solid Chuck Norris squad, converting at least one round with the minimum 5 flips. With the emergence of newcomer Rachel and the consistently dominating performances of Paige and Gena, Blue Balls will be a flip cup force to be reckoned with come playoff time.
Lastly, Adam (the guy who got ejected from kickball) explains the events of two weeks ago in his own words. Enjoy.
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Blue Balls Continued...Dear League, First, I would like to apologize for my actions the other week, which resulted in my ejection from our game. It was well deserved and the ump handled himself properly. I will never tell an umpire to “go fuck himself” ever again, unless it truly is deserved. Explanation for my actions: It was well noted that I argued a call while we had a huge lead, and that it was somewhat classless. That may be true, but it is not the entire story. Throughout the game we had to correct the umpires calls because he did not know simple kickball rules such as fair versus foul balls. The Swampstains made it clear that we argued too many calls, but they fail to recognize that we even called back some of our own base hits. We allowed the Swampstains to hit again even though they were called out because the umpire did not know the rules. We may have argued too many calls, but it was in an attempt to keep things fair. This resulted in anger towards the umpire and league because of the emphasis placed on following rules. With the emphasis on umpires knowing the rules and paying attention, why is it impossible to get a ref who is competent when we provide quality and reliable umpiring every game? The Play itself: I get a stand up double and round 2nd making no clear effort towards third when some girl rifles the ball at me. With my body turned half way around I make an agility move that allows me to dodge the ball and maintain my feet. Instantly this double has turned into a home run. After going back to my chair the home plate umpire says that I am out. Clearly, I think he is joking. Teammates and bystanders alike all vouch that the umpire was not even watching the play. He was fiddling around with the scorecard. The Swamp-stains decided to go completely against the attitude we had shown (of fair play, by helping the umpire), and lied saying the ball hit me. And yes, the Swampstains were great at lying....well played. I am upset because this play would definitely have made SportsCenter top 10. So I politely ask the umpire if he “actually saw the play” or if he “was just being nice and giving them an out?” He refused to answer me, but if he just admitted he was not looking, or if he felt bad for them I would have understood. Instead he gives me a “First Warning.” A first warning because of the umpire’s incompetence? Or because of the Swampstains cheating ways? Or because of an inferiority complex? Jealousy? Has this umpire maybe seen me naked before? No one will ever know, but my instinct (and perhaps the instinct of 99 percent of the league) told me to tell this guy to go fuck himself. So I did. I apologize.
Adam
(Editor’s Note: In the interest of media transparency, the umpire in question also happens to be the league’s newsletter editor. Despite the scathing indictment of the umpire/editor’s performance two weeks ago, this captain’s corner has been published in its entirety to protect both the freedom of speech afforded by the First Amendment and the editorial integrity of this publication. But for the record, this empty, self-aggrandizing apology is exactly why the league hates your team.)
one-sided rivalry, but seeing as The Deep™ are apparently old and suffering from the early stages of osteoarthritis, maybe just maybe IKE can make it interesting. Who knows? Who cares? What’s that Brass Bands # again?
“Either way watching this game will be like masturbating with a cheese grater … slightly entertaining but mostly painful. Monkeys suck less.” - Truer words have never been spoken
Normally, I’d be really offended by this type of language used toward my team… but in this case, I’m remembering that it’s Recreation League Kickball, and my feel-ings don’t hurt so much as my belly from laughing – I don’t care who you are, that’s just funny.
Sadly, we Canniballs were still searching for our offense on Thursday night, and it was nowhere to be found. A 2-0 blanking at the hands of the entirely more fun and enjoyable competition of the Green Monkeys (compared to the Purple Cobras from the week before, this team seemed to actually enjoy being heckled, and returned the favor on occasion) at least left us believing we have a chance yet this season (to score a run… baby steps, team).
Unhappy with the results of last season’s school girl outfit subterfuge, The Beatdown turns to its latest diversionary tactic:
screwing up pictures.
Sadly, Brick’s hand grenade proved to be a dud,and the remainder of the team’s firepower was
found to be sorely lacking.
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Caniballs continued...Sadly, Brick’s hand grenade proved to be a dud, and the remainder of the team’s firepower was found to be sorely lacking.
We did get some outstanding performances from our ladies once again, at the plate and in the field, and our pitcher turned in a stel-lar complete game allowing only two runs and several put outs (I just really wanted to mention that Steve puts out with the best of ‘em… I know from experience, if you know what I’m saying). Still, demoralizing moments like our several base running blunders, several runners left stranded on base, a foul out at the plate by yours truly, and a strike out (what?!?) by our captain Tom Brady, left our heads hanging a bit heading into the Pit of Despair (AKA, the Flip Cup Table).
We lost 3 straight at the flip cup this week as well, although two of the three matches were close… who am I kidding, we’re just embarrassingly bad at all thinks kickball and flip cup this yearWe didn’t have enough girls for my proposed all girls team, and the proof is in the pudding, another loss at the tables to go with our loss on the fields. Brutal.
Now is the time where we talk about my crazy “rule change” proposals. Is anybody listening to me? I think so, because at this weeks game, then again at the bar, members of my team were accosted by members of the Purple Cobras for our “mean” remarks regarding their play and team spirit the previous week. Mean?!? Seriously… what are you, 8?
• I personally believe we need to have the flip cup matches before the kickball… this could add to the general tom-foolery during the kickball match, but the real reason I’m going to campaign for this change is so we aren’t so demoralized after a kickball game that we don’t even show up for cup flippin’ action.
• If you’re going to wing pitches 80 miles an hour, at least have the chutzpa to smoke a cigarette while you’re doing it! Respect to the Green Monkeys pitcher (your ego doesn’t need to get any bigger, but I still think that’s a strong move… Babe Ruth-esque – America loves a hot dog eatin’, beer drinkin’, cigarette smokin’, hard partyin’ athlete).
• If you strike out, and not even on fouls, just plain ol’ strike out – you buy a keg for the end of year party. You know who you are El Capitan!!!
• You should always be more drunk than your umpires… suck it up, Canniballs!
• Don’t whine to my team about my scathing article from the week before… simply one up me in this week’s article, it’s not hard; I’m not that good of a writer. 4 times I heard about my article, which I think you need to read again, because I wasn’t even that mean.
• Never forget your camera when you go to work on your newsletter article, and end up putting only pictures from Anchorman in your article… who does that, honestly?
Your team not represented here? Blame your captain for sucking at being a captain. Or hey, you could write something yourself and send it to [email protected]. Just make sure it’s in by Monday at 7 pm.
This just in, San Diego… Nobody likes the Purple Cobras, and nobody likes a whiner. Stay Classy, LA Triumph!
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Want to embarass the crap out of your kickball buddies, send pictures to me at [email protected] and I will post them for all to see in the following week’s newsletter.
