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SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: A SIX-WEEK CLASS
Lisa Allred, LCSWSenior Program Manager, SAS Work/Life
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE TOPICS
Week One: Single by Death, Divorce, Delay or Design
Week Two: Letting GoWeek Three: Connections and Boundaries
Week Four: Self-CareWeek Five: Preparing to DateWeek Six: Dating
SUCCESSFULLY SINGE: WEEK ONE
Single by Death, Divorce, Delay and DesignLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
ALL RELATIONSHIPS END. SINGLEHOOD IS
ALMOST NEVER CHOSEN, AT LEAST
INITIALLY.Singling by John Landgraf
•Pain•Anger•Crisis•Grief•Dependency
•Failure•Prelude, interlude or postlude
•Not a choice
•Grief•Releasing your mate
•Thinking single
•Conquer fear•Make friends•Overcome cultural messages
Design Death
Divorce
Delay or
Default
PATHS TO BECOMING SINGLE
Singlehood is a state of existence, a way of being. It is a condition of encouraging, affirming, and maintaining one’s integrity as a self. It is being willing –and learning how- to
become increasingly self-aware, self-preserving, self-affirming, self-fulfilling, and autonomous (self-governing).
It is taking responsibility for one’s own well-being (total health and wholeness). It is making decisions for one’s
own life.”Singling by John Landgraf
PATHS TO BECOMING SINGLE
DeathDivorceDelay or DefaultDesign
PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DEATHGrief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years
Releasing your mate: What are the advantages of embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?
What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is gone?
Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your internal and external resources
PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DIVORCEGrief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years
Releasing your mate: What are the advantages of embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?
What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is gone?
Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your internal and external resources
PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DELAY OR DEFAULTFailure to do something one is supposed to do
An unavoidable prelude, interlude or postlude to “normal” living
Don’t choose to be single b/c no sane adult would
PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DESIGN
Singling skills must be learned, non-single skills are innate
Conquer fear of being alone
Learn to make friends
Overcome cultural messages and other obstacles
Material for today’s class from Singling: A new way to live the single life by John R. Landgraf
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK TWO
Letting GoLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
ABOUT BEING SINGLE
Singlehood means neither having to attach oneself to another person like a clinging vine nor having to detach from everybody to prove one’s independence. Singlehood is the freedom and power to operate interdependently.
Any thoughts over the last week about Singling?
MESSAGES AROUND BEING SINGLE
MESSAGES AROUND BEING SINGLE
MESSAGES AROUND BEING SINGLE
MESSAGES AROUND BEING SINGLE
ANGER AND SINGLENESS Anger encompasses a range of
emotions: Resentment Irritation Hurt Rejection Righteous indignation
Anger is automatic and involuntary when we are feeling left out, shut out, cut off or pushed away from a desired relationship.
Think about someone you know who doesn’t handle anger well, what does that look like?
HOW YOU HANDLE ANGER DETERMINES THE FRIENDS YOU ATTRACT AND KEEP
“Non-singles may be able to keep people in their lives who, because they are also non-single, tolerate their sullen moods or temper tantrums, but singlers who want mature friends can ill afford such childish luxuries.”
- John Landgraf, Singling
CONTINUUM OF HANDLING ANGERBo
ttle
it up
With
draw
nSu
bmiss
iveDe
pend
en t
Step
s for
ap
prop
riate
ly ha
ndlin
g an
ger
Adm
itEx
pres
sRe
store
Repo
rtNe
gotia
te
Spew
it o
utAg
gres
sive
Dom
ineer
in g
Where do you fall on this continuum? Is the answer different at work? At home?With people who have more power than you? Less?
STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER
ADMIT to yourself that you are angry.EXPRESS your anger in a safe environment to boil it down to its essence, clarify it, and defuse it.
RESTORE to conscious awareness your own attitude of love, without waiting for your adversary to change.
What methods do you have for expressing anger in a safe environment?Do you struggle with an “attitude of love”?
STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER (CONT.)REPORT openly and directly the angry feelings you are experiencing. To say openly and directly “I am angry, can we talk” is incredibly difficult because of pride, habit, nonassertiveness, discomfort with conflict, unwillingness to admit angry feelings, etc. Remember you are doing it because you care about the relationship.
NEGOTIATE mutually and without being defensive about the issue at stake.
Can you think of an example of a time you handled your anger directly and had a positive outcome?
24
IMPLEMENT COPING STRATEGIES!
•Use problem-focused coping!
Is there anything about this
situation that you can control?
•Use emotion-focused coping!
Is this a situation that you have no control over?
25
WHAT IS PROBLEM-FOCUSED COPING?Should be used when you are able to control one or more aspects of the situation
Begins with brainstorming possibilities of how you might be able to address the problem
Might involve communicating with another person to make desired changes
Might involve altering your typical pattern of response in the situation
What are some examples of problem-focused coping you have used?
26
WHAT IS EMOTION-FOCUSED COPING?
To be used when you have no control over the situation Might involve skills like:
Reframing your thoughts Adopting new “self-talk” Limiting the amount of time you spend thinking about the situation
Talking with someone about your feelingsWhat are some examples of emotion-focused coping you have used?
LOOKING FORWARD
Any “to do” items as a result of class today?Next week: Connections and Boundaries
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:WEEK THREE
Connections and BoundariesLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
THREE CONDITIONS CRUCIAL TO MAKING FRIENDS
ProximityRepeated, unplanned interactionsA setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other
www.helpguide.org
THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS
Exposure Effect-People tend to like things that they’re familiar with
The more time people spend with you, the more they will acquire a “taste” for you
For example, people will have a greater fondness for others who work in their building than a total strangerBusiness Insider.com
THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS
Repeated interactionsSharing confidencesPersonal historyProjects you have arranged your life aroundCore values
Asking people for stuff“Friendfluence”People feel good when they feel needed
Business Insider.com
WHERE TO MEET PEOPLE Volunteering Class or club Walk a dog Invite a neighbor or colleague for coffee/drink/movie Track down old friends via social media Connect with alumni association Carpool to work Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals
www.helpguide.org
HOW TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION
Remark on the surroundings or occasionAsk open-ended questionsUse a complimentNote anything you have in common and ask a follow up question
Keep the conversation going with small talkListen effectively
www.helpguide.org
IF THINGS DON’T WORK OUT…
Don’t take it personallyDon’t dwell on the experienceDon’t make up stories about it
www.helpguide.org
HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND
Be the friend that you would like to haveBe a good listener Invest in the friendshipGive your friend spaceDon’t set too many rules and expectationBe forgiving
www.helpguide.org
PRACTICE IN NON-THREATENING SITUATIONS
Most people in the service industry are very social and will welcome small talk. Practice your conversation starters with a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess, or salesperson.
Try talking to the leader/organizer at the event.
Other ideas???www.helpguide.org
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK FOUR
Self- CareLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
WHAT IS HAPPINESS?
Happiness is an emotional state characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy
Happiness implies the presence of something positive, not just the absence of negativity- it is more than relief from anxiety, boredom, loneliness, pain, etc.
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
JAMES-LANGE THEORY
The brain receives feedback from the body to interpret it’s emotional state
StimulusPhysiological responseSubjective response
Examples:Pen in mouthGive yourselves a round of applause
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
WHAT CONTRIBUTES TO HAPPINESS?
Not improving life circumstances! Not more $$$!Exception if basic needs aren’t met and living in poverty
Set point 50%, Circumstances 19%, Intentional Activity 40%
Why not? Hedonic Adaptation (the ability to return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.
Note: some evidence that happiness increases income From Dr. Brian King
Institute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
BRAIN BASED EMOTIONAL STYLES THAT CONTRIBUTE TO HAPPINESS Emotional Style Assessment- Davidson **Resilience-how fast you recover from adverse events **Outlook- optimism vs. pessimism Social Intuition- ability to grasp social cues including body
language, facial and verbal expressions Self Awareness- self-opaque to self-aware, how tuned you are to
signals coming from YOUR body and mind Sensitivity to Context- the way you modulate your behavior and
emotional responses depending on the person you are interacting with, tuned in
Attention- focus is necessary From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
MANAGING STRESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO TO BE HAPPY Recognize worry as a habit (95% of what we do is)- worry provides
momentary relief from negative condition (inactivity); must find other ways for the brain to stimulate itself (daydreaming, imagination, reading, refocus attention, act)
Negative affect leads to “battle station” thinking (hyperfocused); “I can’t think when I am mad” is supported by brain research
Positive affect “broadens and builds” (Fredrickson)- able to use full range of brain capabilities
When you view problems as temporary and controllable, your brain turns off physiological stress response
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO HANDLE STRESSResilience is like a muscle (work it and it gets stronger)
Anticipate challengesRecognize emotional amplifiersUse resources you have (past experience, social support, etc.)
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES
NOT habit forming (unfortunately)Reappraisal (deciding problem isn’t that important, in 10 years…)
Problem-solvingShifting attentionAcceptance
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
NEGATIVE COPING STRATEGIES
Habit forming (unfortunately)Escaping through food, alcohol and drugsRuminationShaming, blaming, inflamingWhen it becomes a compulsory habit = addiction
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: ARTICULATING YOUR BEST POSSIBLE SELFResearch by King 2001Once a week write in a journal “Think about your best possible self” means you imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it possible could, your goals have been accomplished and your dreams have been realized
Write a detailed description of what your life might be like (personal and professional) and vary the domains you consider each week (romantic relationship, career goals, health, family, etc.)
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: RECAPTURE POSITIVE MEMORIESHappy people look fondly on positive past events
Reminiscing with old friendsPhotographyScrapbookingWhen you tell a story about your life it encourages you to live a better story.From Dr. Brian King
Institute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: EXPRESSING NEEDS
Happy people express emotional concerns in ways that facilitate meaningful change instead of triggering conflict.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” -Mahatma Gandhi
Assertiveness training, meet with therapistFrom Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: SHARING GRATITUDE AND LOVE Happy people communicate gratitude to their friends and love to
family in ways that strengthen bonds.*** Most important change with immediate impact and minimal effort: express positive emotions to others
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: GRATITUDE JOURNAL
Write down three good things that happened today
Why does it work?Counteracts adaptationPositive re-construalCan validate goals and choices
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: SAVORING/APPRECIATING
Look around your environment and take note of one or more things that you take for granted.
Focus on endings: think about the fact that you only have a short amount of time left in this experience- this encourages you to make the most of your remaining time, helps prioritize goals, inhibits adaptation
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: SETTING MEANINGFUL GOALS Lack of purpose highly correlates with happinessSet meaningful goals that focus on what you want in life. Ask yourself how much time/energy you are spending towards achieving those goals.
“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.”
-Andrew Carnegie
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: FINDING HUMOR IN EVERYDAY LIFELaughter is the beneficial element of humor- the physical act of laughter
What makes you laugh? Taking laugh breaks
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY
Regular exerciseHealthy dietSleep
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
ACTION: OTHER SUGGESTIONS Curtail social comparisons Consider how to best spend your money
Experiences make you happy, not material things Simplify your life Mindfulness mediation, Loving kindness meditation Smile Look for awe inspiring experiences Random acts of kindness Fake it till you make it- pen trick, smile, James-Lange theory
From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:WEEK FIVE
Preparing to DateLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
CREATE THESE LISTS TO HELP CLARIFYWhat characteristics does your ideal partner have?List absolute “deal breakers”What characteristics attracted you to the significant partners in your past? (list each separately)
CREATE THESE LISTS TO HELP CLARIFYCompare 1, 2 and 3 to look for patterns. Are there things that attracted you to previous partners that are not on your first list? Were there characteristics that previous partners exhibited that were on your list of “deal breakers” yet you chose to ignore them? This is a way to identify personal red flags, i.e., things you find attractive that may not be consistent with the type of person you want to engage in a relationship.
List these personal red flags. List general red flags (signs that a potential partner may be abusive, have a substance abuse problem, etc.)
DESIRED PARTNER CHARACTERISTICS:GROUP BRAINSTORM Humor Considerate Dependable Honest Single Takes care of self (emotionally, spiritually, physically)
Good with kids
Outgoing Friendly Generous Financially stable Length of separation/divorce (differed among class members)
Consistent relationship goal (i.e., companionship vs. commitment)
Predictability
DEAL BREAKERS: GROUP BRAINSTORM Married long-term unemployment Dishonest Addiction Messy Controlling Jealous Angry
Moody Loud Flat affect Constant complaining Not willing to discuss problems Pacifying Large Age difference Educational level
DEAL BREAKERS (CONT.)
Bad debtSelfish/narcissisticBad parentHistory of having an affairNo friendsPoor relationship with family of origin
PATTERNS: WHAT ATTRACTED YOU TO PREVIOUS PARTNERSNoveltyYour being center of attentionRomance, spontaneity, excitement, funOpposite of fatherPhysical type
RED FLAGS
One up-ingOverly extravagant with moneyPressuring youNot wanting you to talk with anyone elseChronically late Invading your privacyNo friends or outside interestsDisrespectful to ex-partner
RED FLAGS (CONT.)
RudeBossySelf-centeredPrejudicedDisrespectfulTreats family poorly
SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK SIX
DatingLisa Allred, LCSW
SAS Work/Life
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Be leery of someone who is recently single. It can take 6 months
or much longer to get over a serious relationship. Take a drinking inventory: more than 6 drinks per week or more
than 4 drinks per occasion could spell trouble. Is decision-making all one sided? If so, you may not have a voice
in the relationship. Put your health first: use a condom. Date at least a year before cohabitating or marrying.
www.womansdivorce.com
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Avoid inadvertent stalking- be careful not to engage in premature couple behavior
Don’t overshare- confide in someone only after they earn your trust Go with your gut- don’t keep seeing someone if you really aren’t into them just to keep from hurting their feelings
Keep an attitude of experimentation and openness- dating can be a fun way to meet new people, focus on Mr./Ms. Right Now vs. Mr./Ms. Right
Be aware that sometimes we look for people who are opposite of our last partner
www.womansdivorce.com
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Be what you want to attract- ask yourself “am I all of the things I
want in a new partner”? Stay focused on the positive momentum of your life (don’t dwell
on the past) Online dating IS part of the dating mix Drive yourself to dates when you are meeting someone new- but
watch the alcohol consumption b/c you have to drive home You didn’t change your ex, you are not going to change someone
new
www.womensdivorce.com
TIPS ON SAFE DATING Google yourself: personal info you don’t want out there showing
up? If so… https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/2744324?hl=en
Google your date- is the info you find consistent with what they are telling you about themselves
Run background check on potential dates, but remember, it only reports convicted crimes http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/04/13/how-to-do-free-online-backgr
ound-check/
Get a google phone number so you aren’t giving out your actual cell number http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Google-Voice-Phone-Number
Check personal references if available
TIPS ON SAFE DATING Always drive yourself and pay for yourself Always tell someone where you are going/ consider enabling the GPS
on your phone/ set up a phone call at a set time Don’t leave valuables at the table if you get up to go to the restroom If you need to leave a drink unattended, order another when you
return to the table On-line safety resources
http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx?lid=4 https://www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/ http://
www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-01-2013/online-dating-safety-tips-solin.2.html
INTERNET DATING WEBSITES
Who do you want to date? Free sites include higher than average number of older people, people
on fixed incomes, those with lower paying jobs or no job at all Features that you want?
Paid websites may have additional features including large events for subscribers
How does it work? You create profile, you can view other profiles, send or respond to
messages within the site
www.womensdivorce.com
WRITING YOUR ON-LINE PROFILE User name- anonymous yet descriptive, focus on activity or interest,
fascinating profession, physical attribute, personality, or humor Ex/ golfnut, hookedonbooks, artlady, sunnysmiles, sweetnshy,
middleagedoverweightschoolmarm Banner headline or subject line
6-12 word phrase to grab attention, should be positive, interesting, humorous Take a few minutes and jot down your good attributes Use adjectives that emphasize your joy and vitality
Ex/Travel gal wants a pal, have you had your giggle today, live wire seeks sparks Avoid asking too much too soon, sounding too sexy, sounding too romantic,
picking on men Ex/give me a lifetime of laughter, sexy lady needs naughty guy, searching for
prince charming, no head games
www.womansdivorce.com
WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE Physical- tell the truth, use colorful language and humor Personality
Share your interests, how you spend your leisure time, include hobbies that show playful and serious side
Appeal to your target audience If you’re a woman and your profile says your favorite thing to do is shop,
may not appeal to many men Other specific, telling details
Most people enjoy dinner, music, travel… add more Ex/ nothing tastes better than a cold beer and a hot dog at the ballpark,
my friends think I am funny (I love my friends) Don’t talk about family in profile www.womansdivorce.com
WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE Avoid the negative
Ex/ all my friends are married and I am tired of being the third wheel What about demands?
Statements like “game players need not apply” can turn people off b/c you seem testy
Also don’t need to emphasize that you are new to on-line dating, don’t apologize
Education and success Again, be honest
Pictures Have to include- no pix, no picks Head shot is good, something up close that you can clearly be seen
www.womansdivorce.com
WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE
Summary sell lineWhat can you say that will make them click on you?
Ex/ I will be a good friend and ally. I will be tender, responsive, appreciative and agreeable. I will inspire you. I will listen to you.
www.womansdivorce.com
CONCLUSION
Where are you on your singling journey?What are your short-term action items? Long-term?
Do you need assistance in your journey? From family or friends? From a therapist?
Best wishes. Remember to appreciate the journey.