Succesfully creating families through compassionate adoption since 1982 2012 Welcome to one of the most extraordinary editions of Journeys yet… The FIA staff can’t begin to share their excitement, honor, and sheer pride with all of you who have also been there for the last 30 years, and the many more to come. Inside this edition you’ll find throw backs to all of our favorites including FIA picnics, Dawn’s Desk, trending topics of the time, and alumni correspondence over the years. As a special note, we, the FIA staff, have chosen to highlight some of the best parts of this organization’s history starting with the very beginning: DAWN! 30 and counting! Years Dawn’s motivation and inspiration for Friends in Adoption started when she and her husband Joel adopted their daughter Aura and their son Isaac. Under Dawn’s leadership and perseverant vision, FIA has created over 1,000 families since 1982. The Adoption Hoop
Transcript
�Succesfully creating families through compassionate adoption since 1982 2012
Welcome to one of the most extraordinary editions of Journeys yet…
The FIA staff can’t begin to share their excitement, honor, and sheer pride with all of you who have also been there for the last 30 years, and the many more to come. Inside this edition you’ll fi nd throw backs to all of our favorites including FIA picnics, Dawn’s Desk, trending topics of the time, and alumni correspondence over the years. As a special note, we, the FIA staff, have chosen to highlight some of the best parts of this organization’s history starting with the very beginning: DAWN!
30and counting!
YearsDawn’s motivation and inspiration
for Friends in Adoptionstarted when she and her
husband Joel adopted their daughter Aura and their son Isaac.
Under Dawn’s leadershipand perseverant vision, FIA
has created over 1,000families since 1982.
The Adoption Hoop
Our Family Welcomes Nathan and Landon Elliot Robert and Alex Victoria Laurie and Rob Angelina Aimee and Joe Stella Amanda Kellen Kyle and Christa Vanessa Rob and Gina Nicholas Brian and Jon Ian Darrin and Jennifer Sabrina Caroline and Lauren Samuel Ron and Patty Jackson Kory and Keri Sydney Kevin and Kelly Connor Shawn and Martha Caleb Dave and Kathy Lucy Marc and Laura Skylar Michelle and AG Andrew Christine and Jeremy Lily Regina and Karl Sabrina Sara and Michael Emmaline Eric and Suzan Nicholas David and Kevin Kenley Rob and Hillary Gavin Chris and JoAnna Evan Jim and Tony Maya Steve and Kelly Olivia Dave and Sandy Cooper Paul and Lisa Rene Philip and Mark Austin Lisa and Lawrence Indigo Tracy and Jim Hunter Jay and Caroline Claire James and Tracy Jacob John and Danielle Seth Suzanne and Allan Catelynn Stephen and Brent Elizabeth Jenn and Jeff Alexander Josephine and Virgilio Serena David and Michelle Lucas Gerard and Peter Alexander
Dawn’sDesk
NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTIONAWARENESS MONTH
November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Last year President Obama proclaimed:
“As a Nation, one of our highest re-sponsibilities is to ensure the health and well-being of our children. With generous hearts and open minds, we strive to make sure all children grow up knowing they have a family that shares with them the warmth, security, and unconditional love that will help them succeed. And yet, more than 100,000 children in America await this most basic sup-port, and still more children abroad live without families. During National Adoption Month, we celebrate the acts of compassion and love that unite children with adoptive fami-lies, and we rededicate ourselves to the essential task of providing all children with the comfort and safety of a permanent home.”
I would ask that National Adop-tion Month be expanded to National Adoption Year. While I think that we have made great strides in bring-ing awareness to adoption in this country, we still have a long way to go. And, as always, Friends in Adop-tion’s hard working and passionate staff work daily to assure that qual-ity services are being provided to all that contact us.
Our alumni have asked what they may do. Besides continuing to let people know about FIA you might want to take some suggestions from Jenny and Gina at Birthmother Bas-kets (http://ow.ly/er2mg). We’ve in-cluded an article from them, below.
Joyful Fall & Winter,
Dawn
WelcomeHome
There are a lot of FUN things you can do as a family, or individually to bring ADOPTION into your home this month (and year).
#1 Watch an Adoption related movie. This is a GREAT way to bring up the conversation of adoption with your lil’ ones. (Your feedback is wel-
comed on these movie, as are suggestions of other movies – Dawn) • Lilo and Stitch • The Prince of Egypt • Stuart Little • Angels in the Outfi eld • Annie • Tarzan • The Rescuers • Kung Fu Panda 2
#2 Write an adoption related poem. This is also fun for the kids to do. Post your poem on your blog, Facebook page or simply share it with
your family. I wrote My Little Butterfl y just after holding my precious baby. It has been a very cherished item for me and is also shared in ALL of our bmb.
#3 Talk to your local library about displaying adoption related books through the month of November. You will have to act fast on this one,
but what a wonderful way to inform people about adoption. Take a list of your favorite adoption books to give them a good idea of what to display. • How I Was Adopted — By Joanna Cole • I Love You Like Crazy Cakes — by Rose A. Lewis • Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born — by Jamie Lee Curtis • And Tango Makes Three — by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
#4 Write a Thank You card to anyone who helped you through your adop-tion process or placement. I LOVE receiving a hand written letter.
There is something more personable about getting mail, real mail, not an email. Reach out to those who helped you during your adoption trials and success. A Thank You card can go a long way and it is a perfect time of year to show your gratitude to those you love.
#5 Be an adoption advocate!! Start an adoption blog, make a video on adoption and post it online, share your story and love for
adoption to someone new or attend your local adoption activi-ties this month and throughout the year.
Hi Beth, I just wanted to let you know that even though we don’t stay in regular contact with you, I very much appreci-ate hearing from you during our wait. We are trying to do exactly what you recom-mend — we certainly have faith that FIA is working on our behalf and we are so very blessed to have an active four year old to keep us busy. In fact, our daughter, Ame-lia, just turned four on Monday. So it was indeed a very busy, happy, crazy weekend as we celebrated her birth.
I pay attention to the FIA waiting fami-lies website and I am always so happy when a family who has been waiting for a long time suddenly disappears. Because I remember our fi rst wait — the wait that resulted in the adoption of Amelia — and how amazing it was to receive that phone call and meet our daughter for the fi rst time, I am fi lled with both great anticipa-tion and a peaceful patience. Our time will come.
I hope that other waiting families can have the same faith and the same sense of inevitability.
At the same time, it is my hope that the women and families who are thinking about an adoption plan for their child feel that they have whatever freedom and fl exibility they need as they move through their decisions. This is the reason we have chosen to work with FIA — because we know you care about and take care of the women and families who form such an important part of an adoptive family. As we wrap up some small gifts, write out letters and cards, and print out photos of Amelia to send to her birth family this holiday season, we are reminded of how much respect we have for these people who have become such an important part of our lives. The relationship that we have formed with Amelia’s birth family is something for which we are very grateful.
We recently took advantage of the National Adoption Month family por-trait opportunity sponsored by Casey Family Services. Karen Pike volun-teered her time and talent to take portraits of adoptive families in Vermont. I’ve attached our family portrait, in case you are interested!
Thank you again for your emails. I hope that the staff at FIA has a won-derful, restful, and snowy holiday season! (Amelia received a pair of snow shoes for her birthday and she has been asking on a daily basis when it will snow again...don’t fail us now, Vermont winter!).
Sincerely,Sara and Mike
Excerpts from e-mail dated December 14, 2011
For waiting families, it’s a matter of inevitability
Sara, Mike and Amelia are now Sara, Mike, Amelia and Emmaline!
A Family of Four!July, 2012 (at the Friends in Adoption Annual Picnic)
“In this 30th anniversary year, I fi rst want to thank Dawn for our two adopt-ed grandchildren. They have been such a great joy to us in so many ways. Secondly, as a Board Member for about fourteen years and President for seven, I have grown to appreciate Dawn’s strong leadership and caring ap-proach to managing FIA’s work. Her persistence and dedication has helped navigate the many twists and turns in the agency’s journey from being a fl edgling, backroom operation to a strong and vibrant organization. I could not respect or admire Dawn more. She has had a tremendously positive impact on many lives and has made this a better place to live for so many. Congratulations!
KEVIN HARRIGAN, ADOPTION ATTORNEY:
“A true child of the sixties, Dawn makes us see the world in a new light. It’s tempting to focus on her fearless, free-spirited side – her hula-hoop antics and t-shirt protests. But Dawn’s unorthodox, yet visionary, approach has redefi ned the concept of adoption. Dissolving the barriers between adoptive families and birth families, she has made adoption a loving, inclusive, life-long process guided by the child’s ongoing needs. Through Friends In Adoption, she has vastly expanded the pool of loving adoptive parents by embracing families of all confi gurations. Those of us who help Dawn create and support these loving families also con-sider ourselves a family, one with varied professions and personalities, but with a team spirit, a common purpose, and great affection and appreciation for Dawn.
Friends in Adoption Founder and Director, Dawn Smith-Pliner is pictured on center, surrounded by some of the FIA professional team.
“Sunfl owers, burning sage, hot tubs, hoola hoops and nights lost in New York City ( and I mean really lost!), all these images come to my mind when I think of Dawn, but one can never think of Dawn without thinking of Friends in Adoption. When I think of Friends in Adoption, I remember so many clients, adoptive parents and birth parents and the children who have been supported and embraced by the agency. Bringing families together with love and honesty is Dawn’s passion and the hallmark of Friends in Adoption. Congratulations FIA!!!
NINA RUMBOLD, ADOPTION ATTORNEY:
“Congratulations on 30 years FIA! I was new to the practice of adoption law when I fi rst started working with FIA and there is no doubt that the way I practice today has been shaped in large part through my many experiences with the agency. Dawn has been an inspiration and mentor to me but more importantly, she is my friend. Wacky and wise at the same time; she never ceases to amaze me with her spirit and courage. From carefree nights in the hot tub under snowy Vermont skies to more recent and challenging times; she is stead-fast. Thank you for all you have done for me and my clients through years past and years to come.
KATE KAUFMAN BURNS, FIA’S SOCIAL WORK SUPERVISOR:
“Over the past nearly 20 years that I have had the privilege of working with Dawn and my colleagues at Friends in Adoption, I’ve learned many valuable lessons about life, love, and the enduring power of family.
“Is adoption a story of great love and loss?, I ask myself as a licensed clinical social worker special-izing in all facets of adoption for the past two de-cades. “And then some,” I conclude. “My experi-ence of the story of adoption is that its chapters illustrate opportunities to witness fi rst hand that miracles happen; that great pain and great joy can co-exist; that people are capable of overcoming profound sadness and fi nding peace; that children are precious and resilient and their families can shine in their afterglow; that no matter how hard we work and how devoted we are to success – something bigger than us shows us a the true pic-ture of success that we might not have imagined before; and perhaps most important, no matter how much I believe I am an expert in the story of adoption, it takes only one child, with one small voice, to speak to me, to humble me, and to remind me that I have so much more to learn.”
Thank you, Dawn, for the stories of adoption you continue to author at FIA. I look forward to the chapters we’ll write together, and the lessons we have yet to learn.
BRENDAN O’SHEA, ADOPTION ATTORNEY:
“There’s really no other way to say it: Dawn has utterly succeeded in standing the traditional con-cept of adoption on its head.
When Dawn and Joel began their adoption jour-ney in the late 1970s, the adoption fi eld was domi-nated largely by centralized adoption agencies. These agencies limited their pool of applicants to “traditional” families only. These agencies also engaged in unilateral “matching” of adop-tive and biological families without allowing any contact between them either before or after the placement. Little or no attention was paid to the interaction between the families. The child’s need to maintain contact with, or even learn about, his or her biological family was not considered to be important. As a result, many children and biologi-cal parents were irrevocably separated from each other, with little or no chance for reunifi cation.
Dawn refused to accede to these outdated stan-dards. Practically overnight, she established FIA as an innovative agency — no, the innovative adoption agency — in this country. She elimi-nated qualifi cations based solely on quantitative measurements and opened up adoption opportuni-ties to families who had previously been excluded from the process. She championed the idea that the biological family could actually choose the
adoptive family. Finally, she advocated for post-adoption contact between the biological and adoptive families: FIA’s Post-Adoption Resource Center, in which the life stories of FIA’s clients are maintained in perpetuity, stands as testament to Dawn’s pioneering efforts.
Now, it goes without saying that these concepts have been enacted into law by many states, includ-ing New York. But Dawn was a tireless advocate for their introduction years — and even decades — before these laws caught up to her vision. Dawn has managed to combine her passion for adoption work with a relaxed attitude that extends to all. I mean, how many lawyers are able to use the words “client” and “hot tub” in the same sentence?
It’s not that Dawn doesn’t have a few fl aws. Can I bring up her fear of fl ying? This has led to several legendary fi ascoes, including the ill-fated trip to St. Louis...via Amtrak! Memo to fi le: Don’t make travel plans with Dawn — unless you have days (or maybe weeks) to enjoy the trip!
I think that I can speak for many of us by saying how very fortunate I am to have accidentally stumbled into the fi eld of adoption law. But my good fortune was compounded when I met Dawn. Through her passion and vision, she has demonstrated to all of us how her signature brand of Compassionate Adoption has benefi ted the literally hundreds, if not thousands, of lives she has touched.
Above: FIA’s Annual Partnership Meeting
At Left: Shh! This edition of Journeys is a surprise for Dawn. She will only see this when it’s hot off the press!
There’s always a friendlyvoice at FIA’s side of thephone call — guaranteed!
paring to adopt a second child. It was a crisp but sunny
January morning, and the couple huddled together on
the couch in my offi ce for warmth as they began to share
their hopes and fears regarding adopting a second child.
Their fi rst child was now four years old and the light of their lives. Their adoption was closed in spite of the fact that they had always hoped to meet their son’s birth family. They send pictures and letters to the agency in the hopes that one day, their son’s birth mother will request them. To date, they remain in a fi le – undis-turbed, unopened. Their greatest desire is to have a second adop-tion tell the same story as their fi rst…
During a homestudy update, one of the most important questions we ask as adoption profession-als is, “What child are you hop-ing for at this point in your lives, and why?” For families adopting a second time, it is only natural to long for an adoption that mirrors their fi rst experience. We feel safe and comfortable in what is familiar, and as parents, we want to pro-tect our children from disparities and inequality even though we know the world will teach our chil-dren these lessons in spite of our
grandest efforts. Often families who have a closed adoption want the same the second time around. The re-verse is also true: fami-lies whose fi rst adop-tions were semi-open or open, often hope for the same depth of con-
nection with birth families as they prepare to adopt a second time.
FEAR #1:I’m afraid my child will be harmed in some way by experiencing a sibling having an open relationship with his or her birth mother when his own adoption is a closed one.
FACT #1:Many children revel in the oppor-tunity to witness and experience the role of a birthparent(s) in the lives of their sibling even when they do not have any contact with their own birth parent(s). Children are intuitive and resilient. If a birth parent is counseled to include both children in an adoptive family system when giving gifts, writing cards, or holding visitations, both children can learn how to navigate
that relationship with a birth parent and to begin to understand their own unique thoughts and feelings with reference to their adoptive identities. It is an opportunity for the adoptive parents to gain in-sight and understanding into their children’s innermost thoughts even though the connections to the birth parent(s) involved are different. Don’t be afraid. If you take this risk, you may fi nd that the birth parent can be a gift to both your children.
FEAR #2:I’m afraid I won’t bond to my sec-ond child in the same way as I did my fi rst.
FACT #2:Whether they enter through birth or adoption, parents bond differ-ently to different children. The fact is, that each child that enters a family, either through birth or adoption, will bring a unique set of
personality traits, temperaments, learning styles, and passions that will require parents to treat them as separate but equal members of the family. If a second adoption does not share the same story line as the fi rst, if it lacks intimacy, if it lacks longevity in preadoptive placement connections, or if it has different standards in refer-ence to openness, a family may fear that their bonding process will be different when the child is ultimately placed in their home. That’s okay. Real love happens in a realistic amount of time, and every child deserves to be loved in his or her own unique, special way, and in his or her own time.
Enjoy the differences that children bring, and use the opportunity of a second adoption as a chance to expand your own capacity to love.
— From Journeys ‘06
adoptinG a seCond tiMe
BY Kate KaUFMan BUrns, L.C.s.W.
Adopting AgainFears and Facts About
Adopting for a second time can feel like a scary roller coaster ride — but fear not, FIA is here to help you
Jean-Charles deoliveira scappaticciGraphic Design and Marketing
Corky Bohen, LiCsWCounseling & OutreachVermont and New Hampshire
ruth LaughmanOutreachNorthern New York
tracy MullenCase ManagerNew York Capital Region & New England
Lynn sakadolskyCase ManagerNew York Capital Region & New England
nan pasquarelloCase ManagerCentral New York & Pennsylvania
Friends in adoption (Fia), a not-for-profi t adoption agency, is a network of dedicated, experienced, compassionate and friendly adoption professionals. our focus is compassionate adoption. Al-though our administrative offi ce is located in Vermont, we are able to provide free and confi dential adoption services for pregnant women/couples anywhere in the United states. Our team mem-bers are deeply passionate about adoption, and many have experienced the miracle of adoption in their own lives. We all feel a personal connection with every adoption process. We cry and rejoice with every story. We have made a life commitment to adoption. We are friends in adoption.
Meet our professional team
Johna HarveyOutreachNew York City
Lauren KraverOutreachDownstate New York and Connecticut
June MalkiewiczCase ManagerWestern New York & Pennsylvania
Laurie Coreno reynolds, LMHCCounseling & OutreachNew York and Vermont
diana FletcherAdoption Coordinator
Beth MillerAdoption Coordinator
dawn smith-plinerFounder and Director
patty smithCase Management and Outreach Supervisor
tara saltisDirector of Finance and Agency Operations
Kate Kaufman Burns, MsW, LCsWSocial Work Supervisor
tina BonneyCase ManagerNew York Capital Region and New England
Liza FranksSocial Work Coordinator
Heather Martin, MsW, LiCsWCounseling & OutreachRhode Island
Laura scappaticci, M.ed. Counseling & OutreachPennsylvania
sandra schlosserOutreachVermont and New Hampshire
Website:www.friendsinadoption.org
Facebook:www.facebook.com/friendsinadoption.org
Twitter:www.twitter.com/fiadoption
FIA Blog:www.friendsinadoption.org/blog
How to Find FIA Online:
FIA Accomplishments FIA’S SUPPORT FOR PREGNANT WOMEN AND COUPLES
• FIA answers phone and online inquiries from pregnant women/couples 24 hours/day. We work with people with all stages of the process. FIA offers support and respect no matter what their fi nal decision is.
• In the past year, FIA has sup-ported 417 pregnant women and couples as they have con-sidered adoption as an option.Each inquiry is treated with the same level of compassionate
care and respect from the very fi rst contact.
• If a pregnant woman/couple de-cides to make an adoption plan, FIA assigns a case manager who will guide the pregnant woman/couple and the adoptive family throughout the entire pro-cess, from match to placement.
• In the past year, FIA has placed 40 babies in their forever fami-lies.
POST ADOPTION WORK
• 2012 has really marked a highlight year for the post adopt work that FIA does. We have incorporated post adoption sessions with all of our new families and are now doing the same with our new birth parents. These post adopt sessions allow us to check in with all parties post place-ment, and address the needs of each person going forward.
• November will mark the kick off of our FIA Birth Parent Sup-port Group — A Circle of Love, which will meet the second Thurs-day of every other month in Clif-ton Park, New York. Additional information can be seen here:friendsinadoption.org/love
• When a birth parent reengages with the agency or their adoptive families, it’s generally a wonderful time. Every year we hear from a great deal of our birth parents after short or long term hiatuses. Currently this isn’t a trend that we can accurately track year to year with any kind of future projection – but do know this: our birth parents know they’re sup-ported, reach out for updates, coun-seling services, or just to check in and tell us where they are in life. Rarely is there a day that goes by where the post adopt team doesn’t hear from someone.
OUTREACH EFFORTS
• We have 11 outreach providers throughout New York, Vermont, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Hampshire and Pennsylvania. FIA provides out-reach services to each county within these states focusing on hospitals, clinics, doctors offi ces, county ser-vice departments, and anywhere a professional may come into contact with a pregnant woman or couple.
• Our outreach providers offer free informational adoption workshops to every location that we visit. These workshops consist of 8 adoption topics:
1. Presenting Options 2. The Process from a Birth
Parent Perspective 3. Legal Issues in Adoption 4. All About the Adoption Process 5. Adoption Language
Effective Communication 6. Post Adoption Contact
Agreements 7. Adoption Then and Now 8. Friends in Adoption Services
• Beginning this past Spring, FIA cre-ated Connections, our exclusive outreach newsletter for health care professionals. Connections is mailed to 4,500 organizations quarterly.
• FIA’s outreach providers also par-ticipate in health fairs, college infor-mation sessions, and speak to local high schools about adoption as an option.
• This year alone, hundreds of pro-fessionals have benefi ted from FIA’s trainings and workshops.
INTERNET & ADVERTISING
We could easily take this entire page just to talk about our advertising ef-forts. Below are some highlights:
• FIA runs online pay-per-click ad campaigns, such as in Google’s Ad-Words and other search engines.
• FIA regularly posts about our wait-ing families in major social media sites, such as Facebook, Twitter and, recently, Google+.
• FIA promotes our free and compas-sionate services to pregnant women through numerous adoption related articles in our FIA Blog.
• FIA publishes and distributes thou-sands of copies of adoption litera-ture (brochures, fl yers, newsletters, etc).
• FIA places display ads in various event journals.
• FIA’s website receives a healthy and steadily growing number of new daily visits (55.79% are fi rst-time visits) as well as daily repeat visits. U.S. visitors amount to 96.63% of our website traffi c. E-mail inquiries come from all 50 U.S. states.
openExcerpt from “The Responsibilities of Agencies in Open Adoption Planning” — Dawn Smith-Pliner Spring ‘91
I had the pleasure of attending the 3rd National Conference on Open Adoption. It was my attendance at this conference that helped me clarify the responsibilities involved in open adoption with regards to agency involvement.
However, before I begin to talk about the responsibility of agencies, I should fi rst defi ne Open Adoption. For a num-ber of years I have struggled with fi nd-ing a defi nition of Open Adoption that I felt comfortable with. One outcome of the conference is that I now have one – thanks to Randolph Severson, Ph.D., a speaker at the conference! Directly quoting from Randolph, “Openness means that everyone involved in the pro-cess, whether adoptive parents or birth parents, are open to meeting and talking with each other both prior to and subse-quent to the placement. How much com-munication there will be is impossible to say. But in an open adoption, there is the assumption that there will be as much as possible within the limits of courage, compassion, and common sense.” Ran-dolph goes on to say, “courage will tell you that you ought to meet rather than to give into your fears of the unknown. Your compassion will tell you that once having
met you ought to stay in touch because nothing is worse than to meet and then to hear nothing. That’s when you check the mail daily. That’s when your heart is in your throat every time the phone rings. In the end you feel even more rejected, even more abandoned, even more alone when there is no contact. An adoptive parent with common sense will real-ize and honor the child’s need to have a picture of the birth parents and to talk to them occasionally to hear from those mysterious strangers those occasional words of love. Birth parents, with the same wisdom in their heart, will recog-nize the need to provide that picture and will communicate in a way that does not overwhelm the child or intrude too much on the parents. COMMON SENSE WILL ALSO BE ENOUGH TO REALIZE ADOP-TION IS NOT DUAL PARENTING.”
Excerpts from “Copin’ with Open” — Michael Colburg Summer ‘03
The movement toward openness in adoption grew out of an acknowledge-ment of the problems present for adopt-ed persons who grew up with the cut – offs present in closed adoption, the pain caused birth parents who went through their lives not knowing whether their biological children were safe and well
and the trauma caused adoptive parents whose adolescents engaged in risky behaviors as they tried to make some sense of who they were and where they came from.
Open adoption means different things to different people. For some it means that the birth and adoptive parents met before the baby was born and placed. They may have a way of contacting each other through an intermediary, but the child does not have a relation-ship with their birth parents. For others, letters and pictures are exchanged at regular intervals. For other families the birth families are involved and are an ongoing presence.
What purpose does open adoption serve? For the adoptive family the pur-pose of open adoption is to enhance a child’s sense of ownership over their own history, to build in the child a feel-ing of being valued by their birth family through they are being parented by their adoptive family and to create an arena in which the developmental challenges fac-ing members of the adoptive family can be most safely negotiated.
Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted children remain in a relationship forever. We have no choice in the matter. We do have a choice about whether to have a relationship in fact or relegate the relationship to our fantasy lives.
“It wasn’t until the fi fth and fi nal call that the ‘something’ became clear. The fi fth call was from a pregnant woman named Pam. Mary and Pam have similar personalities. They chatted on the phone like long lost high school friends. I feel this is the important factor, because the baby will surely share some of his birthmother’s personality. Perhaps this is what is meant by ‘the right baby’.” — Peter, Mary & Christopher ’90
“We want to attempt to thank you for all you have done to help us fi nd Michael. Your practical advice and suggestions put us on the right path, but the most important thing you gave us was the reassurance that we would be successful. Nowhere else had we encountered such a positive attitude.” — Mary, Jeff & Michael ’89
“My reason for writing this letter was not only to say hi and update you on our family; but also to tell those persons still waiting that all the clichés you hear about becoming parents, no matter how corny are true!! You will become a FAMILY! IT does fi nally happen. And, yes, you DO forget about the pain of waiting and all of the disappointments. I only thank God that Albert and I had the support of FIA to help us reach our own personal Nirvana. We know now that Ariana was the reason we waited so long. She has entered our family and our hearts with such ease and joy . . .” — Debra, Albert & Ariana ’92
“We received a call from Catholic Charities on January 18th stating that the young couple would like to meet us which we set for January 22nd. I would like to mention here that when we fi rst went to FIA we had NO intentions of ever meeting a birthmother but after talking with FIA our views changed and we are so very glad they did. Meeting this couple was the BEST thing we could have ever done. It was a truly beautiful experi-ence. We talked, laughed, hugged and cried. I felt like we had known each other forever.” — Beth, John & Ryan ’91
“Through exhaustive research we chose FIA as the agency that would help us create a miracle. And although there were some trying and impatient moments, that miracle has been delivered to us by God, the angels and FIA. Now, when someone asks us if dreams come true, we can say with all sincerity, that we know a place in Vermont where dreams come true…Middletown Springs. We don’t know what kind of magic water fl ows from those springs, but we do know their powers are undeniable. Thank you for letting us all bathe in those magic waters, for providing us with a little miracle named Keri, and for giving us the happiest moment of our lives.” — Mary, Joe & Keri ’97
“Each of our daughter’s adoptions has been a blessing as well as an adventure. Even on the days when things become hectic or frustrating, we go to bed at night knowing we are the luckiest guys in the world. We are so grateful to FIA for their hard work and dedication. We wouldn’t change a thing about our lives or the paths that have brought us here!” — Joe, Jean, Sara, Liliana & Julia ’10
“I don’t know if I mentioned that we received an absolutely beautiful letter from Beth and Murray in February. It was so good to hear that they are both doing well and that they feel it was all meant to be and that we have all been blessed. We read it over and over and the tears just fl ow. It makes us feel so good that they feel as we do…and so deeply” — Nan, Tom & Matthew ’00
“Enclosed is a picture for you of our two beautiful boys. As we said in a letter to Christopher’s birth mother Irene, ‘thank you is what we say all the time yet it doesn’t really come close to expressing what is in our hearts.’ We hope this note will express to you the appreciation we have toward Dawn, the many staff we have worked with over the years and of FIA’s compassionate philosophy – working for the right choices for all involved.” — Lynn, Ed, Phillip & Christopher ’02
Addison had his 3rd Doctor visit on Wednesday Sep 7th. He has gained 2 lbs and grown 1”. I know a lot of people must say this, but Addison is a hit! The nurses fight over who gets him on our visits. Our doctor, while trying to remain professional, can’t resist saying how beautiful and good natured he is. I had stopped into the office a couple times to pick up paperwork and had to walk thru the office so everyone including the doctor could see him.
—Christopher
Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts for everything you did in order to bring Lucas home to us. I’m sure you hear this all the time, but we still can’t believe how blessed we are.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the many families on the FIA list awaiting their own blessing. In the meantime, we realize how lucky we are. I now have a house full of boys and can barely contain myself!!
Thanks again for everything!
Lou, Diana, Matthew and Lucas
PS We can’t wait til he fits into the adorable t-shirt you sent for him. Hopefully he could wear it to the picnic next year!
To Dawn and the FIA staff –
We’re a bit late with this but better late than never. Jackson is 2 ½ now. It’s hard to believe. He continues to thrive in all areas and he brings so much joy and happiness to our lives. We’re thankful for him and to you for connecting us. All the best for 2012.
Pete, Beth & Jackson
Dear Dawn,
It’s hard to believe it’s almost been 19 years since you picked Elizabeth up at the hospital and we made our trip to Syracuse to get her. She graduated from high school last year and is a freshmen at Sacred Heart University. I hope to talk to you soon as Elizabeth wants to meet her birthparents. It also would be nice to update her medical history. Please let us know what we need to do. I explained to her it’s a mutual process and they must be willing to see her. I will always be grateful to you Dawn for all you did in helping us build a family.
Love,Lucy
Hi all,
It’s been a really long time since I have spoken with anyone from FIA. I’m a birth mom who you helped about four years ago with the hardest decision of my life. I’d just like to thank you all for everything you did for me and most of all placing my daughter with the most beautiful couple anyone could ever ask for. Brian is now 4 years old and I am so blessed to have Kevin & Angelica as her parents, we have developed the most beautiful relationship ever. We are like one big happy family. If it wasn’t for all the staff at FIA I don’t know where my relationship with my beautiful daughter would be today, I am so lucky that she and I will never have the what if’s and unanswered questions. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Alexandra
Addison
Matthew and Lucas
Elizabeth
MailSome names and locations may have been changed to protect the family’s identity.
Thank you for helping our dream come true. It has been an amazing journey filled with warmth, surprises, compassion, tears, and happiness. Today our family is complete and nothing can break the bond, we are in love with Jaxon, he is our world.
Thank you so much for making all of our dreams of having a beautiful family come true! We are so blessed with these two precious children and are so grateful to you and the FIA team for all of your efforts on our behalf. We especially want to thank you for expediting the finalization process – we truly appreciate it. You are an angel to us and we can’t thank you enough.
Love,Deb, Chris, Judy & Jimmy
Dawn,
It doesn’t seem possible, but Caleigh just turned six. She loves Kindergarten, playing with her friends, and just about any activity that includes exploring something new. She plays soccer, swims, and is trying to master her bike without training wheels. She told us she wants to learn to ski this winter, and she would really like us to get her a horse.Our holiday card is enclosed; the picture is from our trip to Disney last spring. Deb tried to crop the picture, but being the “fashionista” that she is, Caleigh wanted her sneakers to show in the photo. Caleigh told Deb and me that she would love to live at Disney, then she could visit the princesses (Belle is her favorite) any time she wants. Caleigh has brought much joy to our lives, and we will be forever grateful to the staff at FIA for helping to bring her into our lives.
Best wishes to you and all of the staff for a healthy, and happy, 2012.
David
Friends at FIA –
We wanted to thank you for all of your help and guidance during our journey to build and round out family. We are totally blessed with Veronica being a part of our lives. Thank you for helping to make this possible.Love,
Helen, Ed & Veronica
Dear Dawn & FIA Staff,
I am sending a picture of Nicholas. We wanted to thank you for all you did and sticking by through thick and thin. He is another blessing to our family. Isabel is excited to be a big sister. Thanks again.
MY FAMILY has been keeping a secret for the last couple months. We haven’t done a very good job of it,
in spite of lawyers and experts who cautioned us that it was the only wise course. But it’s hard to keep quiet when your heart is bursting with joy and love. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself off the cliff and fi gure that you’ll deal with the consequences if things fall apart.
Fortunately, things didn’t fall apart, and what was a poorly kept secret needn’t be secret anymore.
I have become a grandmother. Robert (a.k.a Robbie and Little
Bear) came into our family on Dec. 3. The reason for the “secrecy” is that he is adopted. In New York, where my daughter, Anne, and her husband, Ben, live, birth mothers have 30 days to revoke adoptions. In Robbie’s case, that stretched even longer because of holiday clos-ings.
While we weren’t exactly instructed to hide him in a closet, we were advised to tell only fam-ily members and very close friends – and even then to always add the caveat that it wasn’t a done deal. There should be no mention or pic-ture of Robbie in anything that could be publicly accessed. Nothing on Facebook. Nothing on any interoffi ce communication. No picture on anyone’s offi ce desk. “Just think of yourselves as his foster parents for the next month,” Anne
and Ben’s lawyer told them. Yeah, right. Anne and Ben tried
for four years to become preg-nant. After a respectable interval of trying the good old-fashioned way, they entered the world of assisted conception. The medical procedures used are sometimes humiliating and/or uncomfortable-
to-excruciating and always expensive – but, of course, worth it when they produce the desired result. Anne and Ben didn’t just try a variety of doctors and medical procedures. There also were acupuncturists and herbalists, yoga and special exercises along the way.
It became ever more heartbreaking to see – and share – their emotional (and for Anne sometimes physical) pain as nothing worked. All babies are special, but perhaps Anne’s and Ben’s long ordeal in some ways made our joy in Robbie even more special. There was no way we could hold him at arm’s length for a month-long countdown.
Corny as it sounds, Anne was immediately radiant with happiness and Ben glowing with contentment, despite the clock ticking in the background.
I know because I was there. Anne and Ben wanted to adopt a newborn; usually adoptive parents of newborns have a month or more to get ready. But the call to Anne and Ben about Robbie came on Thursday, Dec. 2; less than 24 hours later, they brought him home. That Sunday, I headed to Brooklyn. They’d already gotten a crib, but had nothing other than a few things from a hasty trip to Babies-R-Us Thurs-day night. Ben was able to arrange to work from home for the rest of December, but Anne, who is an appellate attorney at New York’s Children’s Law Center, had briefs and fi lings to complete before she could fully begin mater-nity leave. They asked for help, and I was only too happy to comply. (And still am: I’m back in Brooklyn for the next few weeks.)
“Adoption is a miracle. I don’t mean just that it’s amazing, terrifi c, and a wonderful thing to do. I mean that it is, as the dictionary says, ‘a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientifi c laws and is therefore considered to be the work of di-vine agency.’” – From Baby, We Were Meant For Each Other by Scott Simon, host of NPR’s Weekend Edition.
Simon’s anecdotal book about adoption in general and his two Chinese daughters in spe-cifi c is warm, wise, witty and well worth read-ing even for those whose lives aren’t touched by adoption. He’s right; adoption is a miracle: “…we [Simon and his wife] cannot imagine any-thing more remarkable and marvelous than hav-ing a stranger put into your arms who becomes, in minutes, your fl esh, your blood: your life.”
adoption that seems miraculous, though not by dictionary defi nition: it is explicable by natural and scientifi c law.
Anne is breastfeeding Robbie. When Anne and Ben fi rst decided to pursue adop-tion, Anne was low. “I felt like a failure,” she said. “Consciously I knew it wasn’t my ‘fault,’ but it hurt that I couldn’t fulfi ll the most basic human function.”
One day I remembered having read about adoptive mothers breastfeeding. A quick In-ternet search confi rmed my memory. I excit-edly called Anne: “You’ve had to give up a lot,” I said. “But maybe you won’t have to give up breastfeeding.”
It turns out that lactation doesn’t depend on reproductive hormones; rather on milk-producing hormones. The single biggest lac-tation factor is the frequency and length of sucking. In fact, even males can lactate, given enough stimulation! Fortunately Anne found a lactation consultant (not heard of in my day!) who’d breastfed her own adopted baby. Anne began a regimen of pumping, herbs, and taking a gastrointestinal medication that has only one signifi cant side effect: stimulating milk pro-duction. She was to begin slowly, increasing dosages and frequency over several months. Needless to say, Robbie’s sudden arrival has-tened things.
The best adoptive breastfeeding scenario
is when it can begin immediately after birth. Starting later is possible, but risks that a baby used to bottles may reject the breast (milk comes faster from bottles). Robbie was in in-terim care for 10 days before Anne and Ben brought him home, but took to the breast like a champ. In fact, he now won’t take a bottle from Anne at all, and will only from someone else if Anne’s not in the room.
That’s not to say that he’s only getting breast milk. An ingenious device, the Supple-mental Nursing System, consisting of a formu-la-fi lled bottle that hangs upside down around Anne’s neck, with two thin, fl exible tubes that rest over her nipples, lets Robbie get adequate nourishment and provides stimulation for her milk supply to develop. She may or may not eventually produce enough to completely dis-pense with the SNS; regardless, Robbie will have the benefi t of some breast milk, and both he and Anne will have had the close bonding breastfeeding provides.
For several years I’ve thought about what I wanted potential grandchildren to call me, but nothing seemed right. Then a name began fl ashing occasionally in my head that seemed both right — and uncomfortably presumptu-ous: Nana. But Nana was my grandmother. It was still her name, not mine, even though she passed away in 2004. Regular readers may re-call that I mention her frequently: “Nana was
the heart of our family, the soul of our celebra-tions,” I wrote one Thanksgiving. It was she who studied and pursued “health food” and organic farming, long before it became ac-cepted. It was she who sparked my interest in food and cooking.
As old age incapacitated Nana, her only frustrations weren’t for herself, but were about not being able to do things for her fam-ily. George Bernard Shaw could have been speaking for Nana when he wrote:
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one….. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. Life is no ‘brief candle’ for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
Surprisingly, none of the rest of the family shared my hesitation, and heartily approved of me becoming Nana. So Nana it is. It still feels uncomfortably presumptuous. Those are pret-ty big shoes to fi ll. But I promise I’ll do my best, Robbie. I wish you could have known her.
Love, Nana _________________________Contact Julianne Glatz at [email protected]
Life would be pretty boring for all of us if we did not have special events to look forward to happening. But, it’s just so
hard to wait and wait and wait. I remember as a child the anticipation of the holiday season. It seemed like a magical time of year with the lights, the tinsel, the carols and most of all…the presents and gifts that I hoped to fi nd under the tree on Christmas morning.
When I was a child I was under the distinct impression that somehow it would never get here soon enough. As the days slowly passed, mentally I’d note how many days were left until it would fi nally happen. As I recall, even when I marked off the days on the calendar, one by one, it didn’t make things happen any sooner! At the most, it just represented how much time I had already put in. When Christmas fi nally arrived it seemed to fl it by like in a twinkling of an eye!
As I grew older I learned that the Greeks had a helpful way to conceptualize time, in the New Testament which was written in Koine or “marketplace greek”. The fi rst concept of time is represented by the word CHRONOS (which is the root word for Chronological) meaning se-quential time as in the numbered days on the calendar. It is the term that one would use to say “we have been waiting for 12 months now and nothing seems to be working out!”
The second concept of time falls in the realm of being the “ordained moment” or the “right time” for an event to occur. The term used for this concept is KAIROS. In the context of New Testament writings it referred to what was being perceived as the divinely appointed
or fulfi lled hour for God’s will to be real-ized. It occurs at just the right mo-
ment; not too soon and not too late. This time happens when it is “supposed to happen”. It cannot be rushed or made to happen any soon-er than it’s supposed to. One might even say that it “takes it’s own sweet time”!
Folks who have been involved in the fi eld of adoption are acutely aware that time can seem to take on a life of it’s own. Often even before arriving at the decision to pursue adoption families have put in their “time” doing infertility work in the hope of being able to conceive their own child biologically. So, it’s as if a great chro-nograph has been charting the days, months, and years already. Add to this the time, energy, and money that is invested in exploring and ed-ucation oneself about the alternative of adop-tion and you can realize there is another layer of time that has been consumed in the process. This is not even mentioning the period of time it takes to connect with a pregnant woman or birth couple and hope against hope that this is “fi nally going to work” and that it will culminate in the placement of an infant or child with the family seeking to adopt!
It is easy to become swept up in this pecu-liar time zone, which for lack of another term I will call “the adoptive time warp”. When you are in this space it seems as if everything is measured or conceptualized in relation to the “arrival” of the child. I suppose in some ways it is parallel to the experience that expectant par-ents have during pregnancy. However, often it seems that pre-adoptive folks feel as if they have less control and thus feel they are more vulnerable than folks who are pregnant. So, the waiting becomes ridden with anxiety.
The old adage “A watched pot never boils” is of little or no comfort when it is you who is keeping the vigil. There is no way to avoid the reality of the wait however. How one chooses to understand, measure, or approach this pe-riod makes a big difference. It has been my ex-
perience that “CHRONOS” can at best only help measure how long you have waited already. It’s a terrifi c tool organizationally and we’d be lost without it and it has it’s rightful place in our lives. However, I’d like to suggest that the approach of KAIROS is much more conducive to maintain-ing a modicum of balance and sanity in our lives in general and specifi cally in regards to negoti-ating the adoption experience emotionally than “watching the calendar and clock.”
It is perhaps humbling to see that at the most we can apply our best efforts, but, ulti-mately things will happen in their own “good time”. The acknowledgement that we are not in control can be demoralizing from one van-tage point. However, seen from another place it can be an immense relief! Trusting that the process works and that it will work in your situ-ation helps to put things in their rightful place in the overall scheme of life. Instead of focusing on what is missing it can free us to celebrate what is present and to full embrace whatever the future may have in store.
Kairos
…..is published yearly by FIA. Send your letters, photos and comments to:Liza Franks, Friends in adoptionp.o. Box 1228Middletown springs, Vt [email protected] may be edited for space
During our offi ce hours we will answer any questions and help solve adoption concerns. Please keep our offi ce hours in mind and conduct your regular adoption business during this time.
During offi ce hours, we are also here to answer incoming pregnant woman calls. After our working offi ce hours, our trained answering service will be answering calls, with staff members serving as back-up.
EMAIL ADDRESSES:
The staff may be reached via email by typing in the fi rst name of the individual and @friendsinadoption.org
Rob & Gina A.Walter A.American ExpressJanice A. & Michael S.David & Meredith A.Laurie B. & Riccardo H.Jeff & Louise B.Jeffrey B. & David G.Ted & Melissa B.Amy B. & Daniel S.Dave & Deb B.Doug & Diane B.Laurie C. R.Tad & Susan C.Tom & Eva F.Lois G.Peter & Beth G.Roger G & Rachelle G.Murray & Susan H.Brink & Tami H.Stephen & Johna H.Alvin & Cheryl H.IBMPatrice L. & Barbara S.Mark & Susan L.James & Joanne L.George & Linda L.Tim & Millie L.James & Ann Marie L.Michael & Kelly M.John & Victoria M.Robert & Anne M.Mark & Nancy M.Samuel M.Tom & Nan P.Diane & Debra P. Z.Darryl & Connie R.Ryan & Sarah S.Deborah S.Edward & Lynn S.Jim & Sandy S.Lucy S.Jeffrey & Christina S.Anonymous
Jon & Katherine T.UnileverUnited WayPaul & Christa V.Barry & Margaret W.Troy & Lisa W.George & Bambi Z.
Volunteers
Ed M. Bob & Teri B.Stephen & Johna H.Stephen H.Eva K.Rob & Gina A.Sean & Celeste K.Ron & Patty K.Julie P.Kristin & John O.Rob & Laura A.Rick & Cindy N.Ricky and AnthonyJohn & Megan G.Molly T.Martha A.MelissaChristopher & Rebecca A.David & Bobbi-Jo F.John & Kathy W.Pam C. & Susan S.Chris K. & Keith T.Jeremy & Christine C.Susan. FChristopher & Deborah P.Mark & Diane P.Steven K. & Diane S. K.Jonathan C. & Deborah S.Efrain C. & Anthony Z.Elaine C. & Marie-Claire M.Rick R. & Deborah S.Joe G. & Graham M.Gary A. & Geoffrey P.Brian & Ann Marie H.Glen F. & Jackie W.Ezra M. & James T.
Gerald H. & Jennifer L.H.Jeffrey K. & Bob P.Joseph K. & Eileen F.Dillon F.Robert & Karen K.Kim & Chad B.Lisa D.Troy & Lisa W.Scott K. & Leslie P.Michael & Kelly M.Steven F. & Mark L.Matthew & Maureen S.Michael & Robin P.Joe K. & Marc S.Kjartan & Nancy S.Tom & Nan P.Peter & Ann C.Patrick B. & Roger H.Phil P. & Linda T.Ron & Robin G.Sam M.Joshua & Natasha S.Sherri L.Eliza B. & Eva K.Carl L. & Thomas W.Ira & Valerie C. P.Brian & Justine D.Stephen & Karen K.Eric & Lori-Ann K.Jennifer C. & David N.Scott L. & Mark Y.
Conio & Cliff L.Ross & Andrea T.Steve & Diane D.Alan & Janice L.Bill & Lori S.Chris & Bridget F.John B. & Trudi C.Kathy & Jim L.Kimberly C. & Shannon H.Matthew B. & James M.Patrick & Robin F.Joanne & Mark R.Lisa & Eric Y.Chris & Julie S.Joan G.Kris & Lauri S.Joe H. & Joseph P.Daniel & Monique C.Marie D.Len M.Kathy Y.Jeff B.George Z.George L.Bob. SAnn S.William H.Scott & Carol N.Amanda C.Kathy & Dave J.Eric & Diane H.
Donors & Volunteers
Volunteer spotlight
Johna has been an ambitious volunteer with FIA for almost a year now. She provides out-reach services to counties in downstate NY. She visits local hospitals, clinics and doctors’ offi ces; any where she can to get Friends In Adoption’s name out there and to talk about the services that we provide to pregnancy women/couples and adop-tive parents. Johna provided a free workshop to a group of Social Workers in the NYC area; she was so well received that they called to let us know how “helpful and informative” she was and they “could not wait to share our information”. Johna provides these services for us with such great enthusiasm and dedication to FIA. We are so lucky to have her along with her knowledge and love for what she is doing!
1-800-98-adopt | 1-800-982-3678w w w. f r i e n d s i n a d o p t i o n . o r g / g a w
Begin your adoption process with our“Get acquainted Workshop” (GaW)
January 2013: Saratoga Springs, NY March 2013: New York City September 2013: Middletown Springs, Vermont November 2013: New York City
Before you make a decision about whether Friends in adoption (Fia) is right for you, we feel it’s important for you to understand who we are, how we work, what we expect from clients, and how we view the adoption process. There’s so much to tell!
so, we ask you to start our journey together at the Fia Get ac-quainted Workshop (GaW). This full day workshop will give you a chance to meet our staff, ask questions and relax in a casual setting while exploring the adoption options offered by FIA.
The GAW is a wonderful educational opportunity which does not obligate you to work with FIA. There’s a registration cost, which covers all meetings and lunch (more info on our website).
Workshop Highlights:• Hear adoptive parents tell their experience working with FIA
• Q&A with birth mothers and/or birth families
• Meet FIA staff, social workers & other adoption professionals
to register, go to friendsinadoption.org/gaw
For further information please contact Beth:e-mail: [email protected]: (802) 235-2373
_____________________(write your name(s) here!)
We welcome open adoption We welcome and embrace YOU!
We welcome and honor all families and respect all choices made by pregnant women/couples
1-800-98-adopt | 1-800-982-3678w w w. f r i e n d s i n a d o p t i o n . o r g / g a w
Begin your adoption process with our“Get acquainted Workshop” (GaW)
January 2013: Saratoga Springs, NY March 2013: New York City September 2013: Middletown Springs, Vermont November 2013: New York City
Before you make a decision about whether Friends in adoption (Fia) is right for you, we feel it’s important for you to understand who we are, how we work, what we expect from clients, and how we view the adoption process. There’s so much to tell!
so, we ask you to start our journey together at the Fia Get ac-quainted Workshop (GaW). This full day workshop will give you a chance to meet our staff, ask questions and relax in a casual setting while exploring the adoption options offered by FIA.
The GAW is a wonderful educational opportunity which does not obligate you to work with FIA. There’s a registration cost, which covers all meetings and lunch (more info on our website).
Workshop Highlights:• Hear adoptive parents tell their experience working with FIA
• Q&A with birth mothers and/or birth families
• Meet FIA staff, social workers & other adoption professionals
to register, go to friendsinadoption.org/gaw
For further information please contact Beth:e-mail: [email protected]: (802) 235-2373
_____________________(write your name(s) here!)
We welcome open adoption We welcome and embrace YOU!
We welcome and honor all families and respect all choices made by pregnant women/couples
