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ANI MOVSES AVAGYAN
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD
IS ANXIOUS, AGGRESSIVE OR
HYPERACTIVE
A Simple Guide for Parents
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Author
Ani Movses Avagyan, PhD (Psych.) candidate
This manual has been developed by Full Life non-governmental
organization, within the scope of Save the Children’s “Community
Based Services for Children with Disabilities” project.
This project is part of Save the Children’s regional initiative
simultaneously implemented in Albania, Armenia, Bosnia and
Herzegovina (North-West Balkans), Georgia and Kosovo. It aims to
empower children with disabilities to develop their potential, practice
independence and enjoy inclusion. It also strengthens families and
mobilizes communities to ensure children with disabilities are
provided with quality services they need.
The partners of the project in Armenia are Full Life NGO and Armavir
Development Center NGO. The project is being implemented over the
period 2016-2018 in Yerevan as well as the Armavir and Ararat
regions.
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From the author
Dear reader, during our professional career covering many years of work,
we have come to the conviction that any work we undertake involving children
can be effective only if the parent is also engaged as an active participant,
observing the behaviors and approaches necessary for the given case with the
child. Moreover, in many cases, the approach used by the parents and their
attitude toward the issue can prevent the occurrence of any problems in the child
or, on the contrary, can lead to an exacerbation of the given issue.
Through this simple manual, we are attempting to cover the specific
characteristics of cases of anxiety, aggressiveness, and hyperactivity, and in
particular to emphasize what the parent can do to help the child overcome the
problem, because it is known that the majority of parents of children with
anxiety, aggressiveness and hyperactivity has no idea of what their own behavior
should be and how it affects their children.
For example, we know that childhood fears are common occurrences in
children. Let us consider how parents react to the presence of one fear or another
in their child. Some of them try to convince the child that they have no need to
fear anything because there is nothing to fear. Others laugh at the child and mock
his fear. It should be stated clearly that, in both cases, the parents’ reaction will
only lead to a reinforcement of the fear in their child and to its more powerful
expression. It cannot lead to a solution to the problem. If we also add the fact that
many parents take children to charlatan “fear grabbers” or healers instead of to
professional psychologists, then it becomes clear how the lack of knowledge on
the parents’ part could lead to the further complication of their child’s condition.
This comes to prove yet again that a lot of explanatory work must be
conducted directly with parents and they should be provided with simple
literature to read. They should be involved along with educators and
psychologists to work together and develop behaviors that facilitate the
resolution of these issues in children. This manual is an attempt to fill this lack
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of simple literature in this area, and to help parents overcome the issues involving
their children.
We hope that it will be useful.
THE PARENTS’ ROLE IN OVERCOMING
THE CHILD’S ANXIETY
Anxiety is a personal psychological characteristic that is expressed
through an individual’s tendency to often experience acute anxious states as
well as through a low threshold of anxiety causation. It can be considered an
individual quality or a personality trait, which is caused by a weakness in
neural processes.1
The professional literature often considers the terms “anxiousness” and
“anxiety” to be similar, but it should be noted that they are not exactly the
same thing. Anxiousness is the expression of a state of worry or tension. The
physiological manifestation of a state of anxiety includes rapid heartbeat,
superficial breathing, a sense of dryness in the mouth, throat constriction,
weakness in the legs.2 However, besides these physiological signs, there are
also behavioral manifestations of anxiousness. Children start to bite their
nails, rock themselves in their seats, drum on the table with their fingers, pull
out their hair, spin various items in their hands, blink rapidly, bite at their
lips, and show signs of other repetitive behavior.
A state of anxiousness is not always considered a negative phenomenon.
Anxiousness sometimes allows one to display the potential of his or her
organism. For example, when a person runs away from someone else, he or
she may be able to run much faster than previously imagined. There is,
therefore, this kind of mobilizing anxiousness, which gives human beings
1 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological
Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 2 Kochubey B. I., Novikova Y. V., Emotional Stability in Schoolchildren, Moscow,
1998.
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additional resources, and there is also a weakening anxiousness, which
completely depletes a given person.
Although a person will more often demonstrate only one kind of
anxiousness over the period of his or her life, a lot depends on the style of
parental upbringing applied during the given person’s childhood. If the
parents constantly try to show the child that he or she needs help and cannot
do one thing or another without support, then the child will start to
demonstrate weakening anxiousness more often because, over time, this idea
is reinforced within him or her that even mother or father doubted his or her
abilities. This means that he or she is definitely in no position to overcome
these issues alone. Over time, this behavioral model is reinforced and starts to
dominate. And, in contrast, if the parents encourage the child to overcome
difficulties on the way to achieving his or her objectives, then the child will
grow up to a state where he or she can gather the strength to defeat these
problems.3
Rare, uncommon manifestations of anxiousness can turn into stable
states, which has been called “anxiety”. It should be noted that several
emotions form parts of the structure of anxiety including, of course, a central
space allocated to certain fears, although anxiety also includes elements of
sadness, shame, a feeling of guilt and so on.3,4
3 Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983 4 Zakharov A.I., Prevention of Behavioral Deviations in Children, Saint Petersburg,
1997.
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There may be various causes
for the development of anxiety. This
issue has been broadly covered in
the professional literature but there
is still no consensus over a single
mechanism. Many studies note that
when parents are dissatisfied with
their lives, their work conditions,
the state of their material or
financial affairs, and when they often talk about this out loud in the presence
of their children, this, along with a whole range of other sociopsychological
factors leads to anxiety in the child. Thus, when parents begin to complain
about their lives out loud and express thoughts of concern, fear about the
future, a kind of lack of security, these feelings also develop in the child
because they can sense the concern felt by their parents and they also develop
a lack of security.
According to A. I. Zakharov, anxiety does not develop as a stable
personality feature in preschool and elementary schoolchildren, and it can be
completely overcome through some corrective interventions. However, he
also says that this is the age when so-called school anxiety begins to develop,
which is a clash between the demands at school and a lack of the child’s belief
in his or her own abilities, because the child believes that he or she will not
be able to succeed in fulfilling the tasks assigned by the teachers. Children are
not just worried that they will not be able to get good grades, but also that
they might ruin the relationships with their teachers or classmates.4
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To sum up, we could say that anxiety occurs more frequently when
children experience an inner conflict. The
following could be reasons for anxiety.
1. Strict demands placed before the child that
degrade the child or make him or her
dependent.
2. Demands that are beyond the child’s
abilities.
3. Demands that contradict each other,
which are often the result of uncoordinated
activities between older members of the family.
Psychological support to anxious children should, in our opinion, be
delivered in the following three areas.
1. Raising the child’s self-esteem.
2. Developing the skills of self-control and behavioral management
in difficult situations.
3. Teaching skills to overcome emotional and muscle tension.
From the point of view of working effectively in all three areas, it is
very important for the parents to be a part of these activities.
Anxious children very often have a low sense of self-esteem, which is
manifested through a pathological reaction to the criticism of the people
around them, a sense of blaming oneself for failure, and a clear fear of new,
more complicated problems. These kinds of children, as a rule, are more
often controlled by adults and their peers. Anxious children often like to
criticize others, simply because this is a way for them to feel better about
themselves. In order to help these children improve their sense of self-
esteem, they must be supported, they must be given genuine care and, to the
extent possible, their actions must be assessed in a positive light.
If the child does not receive this kind of support from his or her parents
and closer adults in the preschool and elementary school age, then these issues
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grow deeper in the adolescent period, and adults who have had such problems
in their childhood usually try to avoid difficult problems and seek to find easy
solutions or give up on their objectives, considering them to be unachievable.
In order to raise the child’s sense of self-esteem, the following might
serve as suitable approaches.
Calling the child by his or her name as much as possible and praising
him or her in the presence of other adults.
You can make a special poster for the child, where you can use stars
or any other way to mark his or her achievements and successes.
You can compare the results across weeks and, in case of an
improvement, you can reward the child with a trip, watching a
favorite movie, doing something interesting as a family, allowing
him or her to participate in a fun activity that is of particular interest
etc. It is important for the reward to not be material in nature.
When talking to anxious children, it is important to maintain eye
contact with them, because this kind of contact inspires confidence
in these children.
In order to make sure that the anxious child does not consider
himself or herself worse than other children, it would be good for
the parents to sometimes talk to their child in private about
difficulties and problems that they themselves faced as children,
how they overcame those issues, and what they felt. Such
conversations help children understand that he or she is not the
only one with problems, and that there can be several ways to
overcome them. It is particularly important to know that there is
someone by your side who is ready to come to your aid at any
moment, to help you and teach you their own experiences. Such
conversations help children develop a broader range of possible
behaviors.
In no case should any of the following be done.
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Anxious children should not be compared with other children in
the family or classroom. The best way to compare such children is
with their own performance at an earlier stage.
When giving anxious children work to do, there should not be a
time factor or the need to finish quickly. Limiting their time leads
to elevated levels of stress for them.
Such children cannot be rushed to answer when they are asked a
question. If an adult has asked the child a question, he or she must
be sufficiently patient and allow the child enough time to answer
the question.
The question should not be repeated because, in such cases, children
consider the repeated question as a new stimulus and a reason to
restart their consideration of how to answer.
As a rule, the parents of anxious children also have an elevated level of
anxiety and are often dissatisfied with themselves. They may also show signs of
muscle tension.
Dear parents, if you notice such signs in yourself then it would be good
for you to work on your own levels of self-esteem.
Here are a few practical suggestions that could help you do this.
1. Treat people the way you believe they deserve to be treated, don’t
try to over-appreciate them, but you can also find something small
and positive in each person that is worth your appreciation.
2. Try to have a more positive attitude towards life. In such cases,
optimism exercises are usually quite helpful, when you try and
concentrate on positive thoughts and drive away any negative ones.
Try to find positive facts and talk about them out loud.
3. Respect yourself. Emphasize your good points and, if necessary,
make a list of these positive features and keep them within sight.
4. Start making decisions by yourself. It is important to admit that
there are no such things as right or wrong decisions. All you need
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to do is to be able to explain the rationale for a decision you have
made.
5. Try to get rid of everything that you don’t like. If you think that
there is something that can be or should be changed, then do so
immediately.
6. Start taking risks. Take responsibility for what happens, even if it is
a small thing.
7. Try to surround yourself with everything that leaves a positive
effect on you.
As we have already noted, the occurrence of childhood anxiety is often
the result of an inappropriate approach to upbringing by the parents. For
example, the parents of anxious children often make demands of the child that
he or she simply cannot fulfil. This is often linked to the parents’ sense of being
dissatisfied with their own status or a desire to see their own childhood dreams
achieved through their children. Sometimes, the parents have a high status in
society and a history of many achievements, and they are concerned that their
child might end up not being successful, which is why they force him or her
to overdo it when it comes to studying or training. There are also cases when
the parents have high levels of anxiety too and make a big deal out of every
small failure, making tougher and more complicated demands of the child at
each such step. The children of such parents are deprived of the ability to learn
from their own mistakes.
When the child ends up being unable to fulfil his or her parents’ demand
often, then they develop a sense of imperfection
about themselves and a fear that they may not
be able to meet the expectations of other people.
Over time, such children end up regularly
hesitating and giving up even in common,
simple situations, and they do not try to seek
success. They feel a sense of despair very
quickly. Thus, an individual develops that tries
to live the rest of his or her life in a such a way as to avoid all kinds of difficulty.
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Naturally, such individuals will not try to display any kind of initiative in
anything, in order to avoid coming across any difficulties.
Some parents try to keep their children away from all kinds of possible
and imagined dangers. In doing so, they develop a sense of defenselessness in
the child because, in these situations, the child naturally believes that the
world is a very dangerous place, otherwise his mother and father would not be
so concerned. Of course, none of this can have a positive effect on the child’s
psychological development, his or her relationship with adults and peers, and
the development of communication and interaction skills.
Being extremely demanding, always rushing the child, criticizing,
making demands that are beyond his or her abilities, can lead not just to
aggression, but also be a cause for the development of anxiety.
The parents that think or perhaps simply suspect that they might be very
critical of their children might find the following exercise useful – over one
day, write down all the criticisms and rebukes that you have voiced or thought
about saying out loud to your child. In a separate column, it is important to
note the child’s reaction in the cases when something was said out loud. At the
end of the day, you need to analyze the material you have collected and, as
objectively as possible, try to understand which of the criticisms helped
improve the child’s behavior and which led, on the contrary, to more negative
behavior or to outbursts. It is particularly important to note whether those
criticisms helped improve your relationship with the child.
If these tense criticisms also included
voicing threats that are impossible to
carry out, my advice to such parents
would be to show more restraint and to
learn how to think first and analyze
everything that is being said to the child.
It is important to understand that too
many threats that cannot be carried out
primarily weaken the parent in the child’s
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eyes and force him or her to think that mother or father are simply full of
talk, that they never do what they say, which means that there is no point in
taking their words seriously.
Anxious children often display signs of muscle tension on their face and
neck. Muscle tension can be loosened through relaxation exercises, which are
a part of any psychological support.
It is also very effective to use games that include bodily contact with the
child. Such games can also be played by parents in everyday settings. Playing
with sand, clay, dough, kinetic sand, and water are also all favorable activities,
as are finger and palm painting, etc.
Using some elements of massage or simply rubbing the body could also
help loosen muscle tension. With this in mind, mothers could apply simple
massage techniques, or simply give the child frequent warm hugs, or massage
him or her by rolling small, spiny balls. There are also various games that can
help, such as the Affectionate Chalk.
Game – the Affectionate Chalk
The adult tells the child, “You and I will draw on each other’s back. What
would you like me to draw on yours? A sun? All right.” And the adult uses his
or her fingers to “draw” a sun on the child’s back. “Does that look good to
you? How would you draw it on my back or my palm? Do you like it when I
draw on your back? Would you like a squirrel to draw on your back with its
beautiful tail? Would you like me to draw something else?” At the end of the
game, the adult rubs his or her palm broadly over the area to “erase”
everything that was drawn, thus softly massaging the child’s back in the
process.
When playing with anxious children, using masks or water-based face
paints is also a good idea. This allows the child to feel “hidden” and gives him
or her the freedom to express emotions more openly.
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Warm and well-intentioned relations in the family and a positive
atmosphere at home are instrumental in reducing levels of anxiety in children
and for their harmonious individual development. I would advise parents to
spend as much time as possible with their children, to play with them, have
honest conversations, go out for walks, go to the movies, theater, or other
entertainment areas. Time spent together in a natural setting can also have a
very positive impact.
Having a pet—a dog, cat, or parrot—at home can also help overcome
feelings of anxiety because anxious children constantly feel the need for an
object of love and affection. Taking care of the pet together is also a good idea
for the parent-child relationship to turn into a partnership.
THE ROLE OF PARENTS IN
OVERCOMING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
IN THE CHILD
Aggression (“aggressio” means “attacking” in Latin) is a motivated
deconstructive behavior that goes against norms and rules existing in society
and causes harm to the target of the aggression (both living and nonliving
things), as well as physical injury or psychological discomfort in people
(negative feelings, tension, fear, a sense of oppression and so on). One should
distinguish between aggressiveness and aggression. Aggression or aggressive
behavior is a particular kind of individual or group action that is characterized
by a display against another side of being more powerful, and it aims to cause
physical or psychological damage. Aggressiveness is a means to achieving this
outcome which is not considered an aggressive act in itself. Aggression is the
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undertaking of a preplanned action, the ultimate objective of which is to cause
harm to the target.5
A. A. Rian also notes that “aggression” and
“aggressiveness” are not the same thing.
According to him, aggression is a targeted
action that seeks to cause harm to another
person, group of people, or animal.
Aggressiveness is a personal characteristic that
manifests as the readiness to perform an act of
aggression. Thus, aggression is an act, while
aggressiveness is the readiness to perform such
an act.6
Many researchers have studied the topics of aggressiveness and
aggression, but the question of what causes aggressive behavior in children—
whether it is congenital or acquired—has not yet been clearly answered to
this day. Some researchers believe that the roots of aggressiveness come from
the individual’s biological nature, while others insist that aggressiveness
develops from social interaction, new habits, and learning new things from
interactions with new people as well as the influence of movies and television
programs.
A. Bass and A. Darkin have distinguished between five kinds of
aggression,7 which can be presented schematically in the following way:
5 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological
Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 6 Rian, A. A. Psychology of personality study. Saint Petersburg, 1999, 218 pages. 7 Aggression in children and adolescents: A Textbook / Edited by N. M. Platonova, Saint
Petersburg, Rech Publications, 2006 – 336 pages.
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All the above-mentioned types of aggression can be seen in people of
different ages, and they can develop starting from an early age. Several factors
influence the occurrence of aggressive behavior in children like, for example,
certain somatic illnesses, or disease related to the brain, as well as various
kinds of social causes. A major cause of aggression also consists of aggressive
scenes and actions contained in cartoons, movies and on television in general
as well as various computer games and online.
There is also evidence that there is a relationship between the
disciplinary style of the parents and the manifestation of aggression in the
children.8
R. M. Tkatch notes that behavioral psychologists have isolated several
family-related factors that facilitate the development of aggressive behavior
in children. These include a lack of sufficient warmth and affection from the
8 Beron R. Richardson D. Aggression, Saint Petersburg, 1997; Leshli D. Working with
Small Children, Encouraging their Development and Solving Problems, Moscow,
1991; Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983; Campbell N. L.
Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997.
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parents, a lack of interest, indifference in the relationship, failures, a display
of bad relations, a lack of supervision, indifference toward aggressive
behavior, inconsistence in the use of punishment, the use of corporal
punishment.9
I. Ranshburg and P. Popper note that if the parents regularly punish the
child for displaying aggressive behavior, then he or she learns over time to
conceal this anger in the presence of the parents, but that does not mean that
the child will restrain his or her aggression in other situations.10
Specialists believe that when parents neglect their child’s displays of
aggressive behavior or do not pay significant attention to it, this indifference
also leads to the development of aggressive personality traits in the child.
Children often use aggression and misbehavior as a way to attract adults’
attention to themselves.
Displays of aggression may also be seen in children whose parents are
extremely lenient, lacking self-confidence, and who sometimes seem
incapable or helpless when it comes to discipline, because the children of such
parents consider themselves to be defenseless. If the parent hesitates when it
comes to certain issues related to the child and finds it difficult to make a
decision, this leads to outbursts of stubbornness and anger in the child,
through which he or she tries to influence the situation and get something
out of it. In order to prevent displays of aggression in children, parents are
advised to allocate more time to their children, establish warm and friendly
relations with them and, in some stages of development, based on the child’s
age and sex, to demonstrate a strong character, audacity, and clarity when it
comes to decision making. This could be relevant not just to parents, but also
educators and other professionals working with children.
Roys has outlined several rules for working with aggressive children.11
Be mindful of the child’s needs and requirements.
9 Tkatch R. M., Fairytale Therapy for Childhood Problems, Saint Petersburg: Rech;
Moscow: Sphera, 2008, 118 pages. 10 Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983 11 Roys S. A. A Magic Wand for Parents. Kaliningrad: Nika-Center, 2005.
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Display a behavioral model of non-aggression.
Be consistent when it comes to punishing the child. A child should
be punished for a specific act. The punishment should not demean
the child.
Expand the options the child has for play. Teach him or her to
display anger in acceptable ways, and develop the skills necessary
to show non-aggressive reactions in conflict situations.
Teach the child to recognize emotional states in himself or herself
as well as other people.
Develop the child’s ability for compassion.
Teach the child to take responsibility.
The work of a psychologist with aggressive children should, in our
opinion, be based mainly in these four areas:
1. Teaching aggressive children to express their anger in acceptable
ways.
2. Teaching children self-control skills, developing the ability to
manage oneself in different situations.
3. Developing the skills to allow communication in possible conflict
situations.
4. Working on developing individual traits such as empathy, trust in
other people and so on.
During the work with children in these four areas, in order to achieve
significant results, it is very important for parents of the child to participate,
for which the parents must be well acquainted with the issues faced by their
child, the way in which they manifest, and particularly with their role in
helping their child overcome his or her aggressive behavior.
Because the aggressive behavior displayed by children is often
destructive and unpredictable from the point of view of emotional reactions,
one of the most important things the adult must do is to teach the child to
express anger in more acceptable and harmless ways.
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When working on this with children or simply interacting with them,
the following two approaches to anger management are the most suitable
options.
1. Declaring one’s own emotions either verbally or non-verbally,
venting those negative feelings.
2. Using an indirect way to express one’s anger and directing it at the
person or object that seems harmless to the angry child. When the
adult or child does not react at once, then sooner or later they feel
the need to release their anger. But they don’t direct this at the
person who is the true source of their anger, rather they target the
person who is closest at hand at the moment, or someone who is
weaker and cannot respond in kind. This kind of anger expression
has been called “displacement”.
Many specialists believe that one of the best ways to express anger is for
someone to simply tell another person about his or her feelings, in a polite way.
If this is not possible, then adults can talk about their feelings with their family
members and friends, while children can confide in their parents.
One of the best techniques to teach children
how to express anger is the “Anger ladder”
exercise proposed by R. Campbell. 12 This
technique can be used by parents as well. At the
lowest level of anger there is passive aggression,
which is the most inferior and immature way of
expressing aggressive behavior. A passive-
aggressive child, for example, does not openly
express his or her emotions after a bad
conversation with mother. He or she might simply
remain silent and might throw a tantrum much later, at the most
inconvenient time and place, like a shop or when they are guests
12 Campbell N. L. Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997.
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at someone else’s house. In such cases, children might break
their toys on purpose, dress up slowly when everyone is in a
hurry, intentionally walk on the dangerous part of the street,
and purposefully forget the homework the teacher assigned.
In order to give such children the chance to express his or her anger, a
good approach is to teach him or her how to display or vent this anger. If the
child who constantly conceals his or her emotions begins to suddenly express
that dissatisfaction out loud, this means that we have gone up one rung on the
anger ladder and this is considered a positive move, even if the child continues
to act very rudely. In such cases, there is a need for long-term contact with the
child and to listen to him or her while maintaining eye contact. After listening,
you can explain that how to express this anger in a way that is more polite and
positive.
Positive ways of expressing anger include the following:
• The ability to direct the anger at the specific object that has caused
dissatisfaction, without deviation.
• Being polite while expressing oneself.
• Striving to find a constructive solution.
It is very important to note that the child needs a living example in order
to move up the anger ladder. Adult behavior should serve as an example for
the child and show him or her in various situations how to direct one’s anger
at the relevant object, not get deviated, remain polite and civil, while also
finding a constructive solution to the problem.
V. Quinn has proposed another approach to expressing anger.13 This is
the technique of transferring one’s emotions to other objects that are
harmless. We believe that this is more suitable for those children that are still
small and are as yet unable to express their feelings verbally.
13 V. N. Quinn. Applying Psychology, Saint Petersburg, 2000.
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In order to apply this method, the adult should keep some items at hand
such as soft punching bags, rubber balls, pillows, a pool filled with soft balls,
targets and other things that would allow the child to direct his or her anger
at these things, instead of at a human being.
This method of “displacement” can be suitable when working with
children that are relatively shy or lacking self-confidence. For those who are
excessively active, open and brazen, it might not work so well because such
children can get overexcited and lose control.
One important factor is how the adult chooses to control the aggressive
child’s behavior. There are usually three main approaches in a parent’s arsenal
to achieve this:
1. The negative approach – punishment or shouting.
2. The neutral approach – behavior change.
3. The positive approach – requests, light physical action.
Making requests of the child and acting in a friendly manner is not
always effective. For example, it does not make sense to request the child not
to touch the fire on the gas stove when he or she has already held out a hand
and is nearing the flame. It is more effective in such situations to pull the
child away from the stove and then explain to him or her why it was
necessary to do so. This is an example of light physical action. This is a
particularly effective option in case of small children.
Commands and punishment cause anger in children, or the tendency to
constantly suppress anger. That is why parents should punish children only
in extreme, rare cases. If the child’s anger is constantly suppressed because
he or she does not always dare resist an adult who is physically stronger, this
could transform into passive-aggressive behavior. The child could begin to
act in secret, concealing the things that he or she is doing, taking action
specifically to anger his or her parents, for example, putting on clothes at a
particularly slow pace, even if the rest of the family is running late and
everyone is standing there waiting.
The technique of behavior change is very simple. The child is given a
reward for good behavior and, in case he or she behaves badly, the result is
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either punishment or losing certain privileges. Nevertheless, it is not
appropriate to always use this approach, because the child then begins to
regularly ask the parent, “If I do this, what will you give me in return?”
The best option for children to be able to self-monitor their own
behavior and act adequately is for the parent to have self-control. Parents
are often unable to restrain their own anger, and the result of all this is that
their children are unable in turn to learn the skills to express their anger
adequately.
It is crucial for parents to remember that they should not touch the child
when they are very angry. In such situations, the best solution is to go to
another room at that very moment, when the parent is extremely angry at
the child. In order to regain control over themselves, parents are advised to
move slowly, to avoid sudden movements, not to shout or slam doors. A very
helpful act is to walk to a tap and slowly drink seven gulps of cold water.
Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, and Judith McKay14 have offered several
options to overcome anger that can be useful for parents. The table below
has been reproduced in full from their material.
Develop a
relationship with
the child such that
he or she feels
comfortable being
with you
Listen to your child
Spend as much time as possible together
Share your experience with him or her
Tell him or her about your own childhood,
what you did as a child, your successes and
failures
If there are several children in the family, try
to give each one attention separately, don’t just
focus on them together
Watch yourself
particularly at
times when you
At such moments, postpone or rule out any
activities with the child, if possible.
Try not to touch the child at such moments
14 McKay M., Rogers P., McKay J. Overcoming Anger. Saint Petersburg, 1998.
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are stressed, and
you can lose
control easily.
If you are in a bad
mood then it is a
good idea to tell
the children how
you are feeling
Tell the children directly about your feelings,
plans and needs.
“I’m in a bad mood, I want to be alone for a
while, please play in the other room,” or
“I had a tough day at work and I got really
heated up. I’ll calm down in a few minutes, but
for now please leave me alone for a little while.”
At the moments
when you are in a
particularly bad
mood or very
angry, do
something for
yourself that
would relax you.
Take a warm bath or shower
Have a cup of tea
Call a friend
Lie down and rest
Get a skin procedure
Listen to good music
Try to foresee and
prevent any
unpleasant
incident that could
make you angry
Don’t allow the children to play with any
items valuable to you
Don’t let things make you angry. Learn to
predict your own emotional outbursts and try
to prevent them from happening by controlling
yourself and the situation. For example, think
of something pleasant at that moment.
It is a good idea to
prepare in advance
for certain
important events.
Try to predict all
the nuances
Examine your child’s potential.
If you are making your first visit to the doctor
or the kindergarten, talk to the child in advance
about it, test the situation.
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involved and
prepare the child
for the expected
incident.
If the child throws a tantrum when he or she
is hungry, try to arrange meals on time.
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THE ROLE OF PARENTS IN OVERCOMING
THE CHILD’S HYPERACTIVE BEHAVIOR
The word “active” comes from the Latin “activus” which means
movement, and “hyper” in Greek means excessive, suggesting that something
is beyond its normal level. Hyperactivity is usually seen in children as a state
of being unusually distracted, impulsive, or constantly moving. In some cases,
perception impairments are also characterized as manifestations of
hyperactivity, because the latter is also associated with learning difficulties
that are often a direct result of a lack of concentration.15 Hyperactive children
tend to tire very quickly, have speech disorders, difficulties in the
development of reading, writing, arithmetic abilities as well as fine motor
skills. All this can cause a delay in the development of reading and writing
skills.
The first signs of hyperactivity are usually seen before the age of seven.16
Hyperactivity will not necessarily manifest itself immediately after birth.
Such children are usually quite calm in the first few months of their lives and
it is only the development of the ability to walk that lead to the first signs of
hyperactivity.
The basis of hyperactivity is usually a minor dysfunction on the part of
the brain. Many parents continue to believe the point of view that
hyperactivity is simply a behavioral issue, and a case of disciplinary neglect
or the result of a bad upbringing. Moreover, children who are just slightly
tenser than their peers are often categorized as hyperactive in their
kindergartens or schools. Jumping to conclusions like this is not always
justified because hyperactivity is a medical diagnosis and only a medical
15 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological
Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 16 Zavadenko N. N., Risk Factor for the Development of Attention Deficit and
Hyperactivity in Children. Mir Psikhologii. N. 1, 2000.
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specialist can establish whether this is the case. And this diagnosis is never
made simply on the basis of observation.
One of the main causes leading to the development of hyperactivity in
children is a pathology of pregnancy or labor, infections or poisoning within
the first few years of the child’s life. A hereditary predisposition is also
possible. It is, naturally, very difficult to spend time with a hyperactive child.
Many parents are concerned about the fact that
1. the child is agitated, keeps moving, always jumping from one spot to
the other,
2. the child is badly behaved, always moving things about, rearranging
everything,
3. the child is curious, talkative, keeps asking questions without even
waiting for the answers,
4. the child is aggressive, conflict-prone, difficult to control.
The parents of hyperactive children, as a
rule, face several difficulties when
communicating with them. Some parents try to
use strictness against the child’s behavioral
issues, and they try to regulate everything,
adding to the child’s workload, severely
punishing even the slightest of misbehavior and
setting up a system of obstacles for the child to
overcome. Others, tired of always fighting with
the child, give up and lose hope regarding all this, trying not to notice the
child’s behavior or desperately allowing him or her to do anything, with no
adult participation. Some parents also feel guilty about their own role in their
child’s bad behavior because they hear negative feedback about it at the
kindergarten, school, and everywhere else. They may even lose hope
completely and get depressed, which also affects the child negatively.
It is important for the parent to know that the child is not to blame for
his or her own behavior in any way, and constant scolding or shouting cannot
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lead to an improvement in the child’s behavior; in fact, they can worsen the
situation further, in some cases.
Hyperactive children need to be treated kindly and with affection. If the
parent does the child’s homework together with him or her, then there should
not be any shouting or commanding, nor should there be any emotional
exclamations of praise. Hyperactive children are very sensitive and prone to
quickly imitating the adult’s behavior, but a tense emotional state is not
conducive to doing one’s homework.
Hyperactive children often display an unusual ability to learn in specific
areas, grasping concepts and absorbing information quite quickly, which leads
parents to get the impression that the program being taught at the school or
kindergarten is too primitive for their son or daughter. In such cases, parents
often take their child to various extracurricular activities. But excessive
demands and a large mental workload often lead to fatigue and tantrums in
such children, and sometimes they refuse to study altogether.
There are also cases when the parents, thinking that their child is unique
or that nothing can change any more, completely give up, and the child
quickly learns how to manipulate the adults.
But because such children need to understand the limits permitted to
them and require constant contact with adults for their own safety, they
usually display even more difficult behavior in such cases and their issues are
further complicated.
As a rule, hyperactive children are rebuked all the time at home, at
kindergarten or at school. Due to this, their self-esteem is damaged, and they
should therefore be more often praised for their achievements and success.
Even the smallest of achievements must be emphasized by the adult.
Nevertheless, one should not forget that unnecessary and baseless praise is not
permitted, because it could lead to the loss of trust towards the parent. One
should also not forget that hyperactive children should not be praised or
encouraged in an emotional tone of voice, so that this does not act as an
additional stimulus on the child’s emotional state.
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If the parent wants the hyperactive child to fulfill a command, then he
or she must learn to make this command effectively. First of all, the command
must be brief, no more than six or seven words, otherwise the child simply
“zones out” and does not hear a word. Parents should not make several
requirements of the child at once, for example, pick up your toys, go to the
bathroom, wash your hands, come to the living room, eat dinner. It is more
effective to give these instructions briefly and separate from each other,
mentioning the next command only after the previous one has been fulfilled.
The instructions should match the child’s abilities to the extent possible. There
should be supervision when it comes to how the child carries them out.
If the parents believe that a certain kind of action must be prohibited,
care must be taken to make sure that these limits are small in number. These
should be discussed with the child in advance and agreed, detailed in very
clearly and unequivocally, so that the child understands that these instructions
must mandatorily be fulfilled. It is also good for the child to clearly know what
to expect in case an instruction is violated. Parents must also be careful to make
sure that agreements previously made with the child are upheld because, if they
are not, and if the parent’s reaction depends only on his or her mood at the
current moment, then the child will not know what to expect in each specific
situation and will start to grow afraid of his or her parent’s emotional reactions.
In case of hyperactive children, it is not a good idea to start saying “No”
or “You can’t do that” when prohibiting something, because these tend to cause
the child to resort to verbal aggression or some other kind of conflicting
behavior. It is better to give the child a choice, for example, offer the child two
possible courses of action and let him or her choose one of them. For example,
if the child is running around at home all the time, you can propose that he or
she can go out to the yard and play, or listen to a story at home. If the child is
shouting at home, you can propose singing a few of his or her favorite songs
together. If the child is throwing about his or her toys and things, you can
propose playing a game that involves throwing a ball at a target, like basketball,
or throwing balls into an empty pool.
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Because hyperactive children are often also impulsive, it is difficult for
them to fulfill adults’ instructions at once. For that reason, it is often a good idea
to warn these kids in advance of any change in activities. For example, when
doing one’s homework, it is a good idea to plan three activities in advance and
come to an agreement about the sequence in which they will be carried out,
and the breaks that will be arranged in between. Or if the child is watching
television but must stop in a little while because, say, you are going out
shopping together, it is a good idea to remind the child ten minutes in advance
that the television will soon be switched off so that you can go out together. In
order to avoid any unnecessary aggression on the child’s part, you can use an
alarm clock that will ring ten minutes later and signal that the time is up. If the
child fully adheres to the previously agreed instructions, then it is a good idea
to reward him or her. The best options for rewarding or punishing a child in
such cases are the ones we have already discussed earlier.
As a rule, the parents of hyperactive children always insist that their
child never grows tired. In reality, such children tire very quickly and it is
this very fatigue that they express through their restless movements that the
parents often perceive as hyperactivity. Such children tire very quickly,
which results in a drop in their level of self-control and an increase in mobile
hyperactivity, which cause harm to both the child and the parents and other
surrounding people. In order to avoid causing a state of overstimulation in
hyperactive children, parents are advised to limit their presence in crowded
places, avoid inviting many people over, arranging for as calm an
environment as possible.
Strictly adhering to the daily routine is also one of the most important
conditions for securing a state of calm among hyperactive children. Various
parts of the routine must be arranged at the same time every day and it should
be clear and understandable to the child so that he or she can clearly picture
the sequence in which the day’s activities will unfold.
The parents of hyperactive children often sign them up for various sports
activities, believing that this is the best way for the child to vent their physical
activity. But this is not always the case. A lot depends on the coach and his or
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her style. Particularly in the cases when the coach is authoritative in his or
her approach, and the child experiences various obstacles and punishment
during training sessions, this could lead to even more hyperactivity. If the
number of people involved in the sports activity is large and they are mainly
involved in group-based games, and the hyperactive child does not have the
opportunity to train on an individual basis with the coach, then this could
also lead to an increase in hyperactivity instead of providing any benefits. The
most suitable sports for hyperactive children are running and swimming. But
there are cases when the child finds it impossible to train within a group of
peers. In such cases, individual sessions with coaches can be beneficial.
Evening walks with parents are also beneficial for hyperactive children,
and they provide the parent with the opportunity to have a calm conversation
with the child, to understand him or her better and to provide the child with
his or her own opinion. A healthy walking pace allows the hyperactive child
a good opportunity to calm down.
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RECOMMENDED LITERATURE
1. Aggression in children and adolescents: A Textbook / Edited by N. M. Platonova, Saint Petersburg, Rech Publications, 2006 – 336 pages.
2. Adler A., The Practice and Theory of Individual Psychology, Moscow, Akademicheskiy Proekt Publishig, 2007 – 240 pages
3. L. Berkowitz, Aggression: Causes, Consequences and Control, Moscow, Prime Euroznak Publishing, 2007 – 512 pages
4. Beron R. Richardson D. Aggression, Saint Petersburg, 1997; 5. Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big
Psychological Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 6. Zavadenko N. N., Risk Factor for the Development of Attention Deficit and
Hyperactivity in Children. Mir Psikhologii. N. 1, 2000. 7. Zakharov A.I., Prevention of Behavioral Deviations in Children, Saint
Petersburg, 1997. 8. Quinn V. N. Applying Psychology, Saint Petersburg, 2000. 9. Kochubey B. I., Novikova Y. V., Emotional Stability in Schoolchildren, Moscow,
1998. 10. Campbell N. L. Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl,
1997. 11. Leshli D. Working with Small Children, Encouraging their Development and
Solving Problems, Moscow, 1991 12. Morality for the XXI Century, edited by Y. M. Antonyan, Aspekt Press
Publishing, Moscow, 2008 – 288 pages 13. Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983; Campbell N. L.
Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997. 14. Ratinov A. R., Kroz M. V., Ratnikova N. A., Responsibility for Causing Animosity,
Hate, edited by Ratnikova N. A., Moscow, 2005 – 256 pages 15. Rian, A. A. Psychology of personality study. Saint Petersburg, 1999, 218 pages. 16. Roys S. A. A Magic Wand for Parents. Kaliningrad: Nika-Center, 2005. 17. Tkatch R. M., Fairytale Therapy for Childhood Problems, Saint Petersburg:
Rech; Moscow: Sphera, 2008, 118 pages. 18. Spilrein S. N. Psychoanalytical Conceptions of Aggressiveness, two-volume
book. Book 1. Udmurtia, Udmurtia University Publishing, 2005 – 292 pages 19. Hjelle L., Ziegler D. Personality Theories, Saint Petersburg. Piter. 2000 – 606
pages.