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DEC 08 2011 PAGE 8 BACKPAGE W ith finals just around the corner, it is always helpful to try and impress your professors one last time. Here, at your disposal, is a list of words/phrases that can possibly increase your grade by up to five percent if used correctly. Whether it’s in a class discussion, oral presentation or lab report, these words are guaranteed to help. The examples below are shown in the context of giving a presentation on the functionality of snails. On the left-hand side are props points awarded if you can seamlessly or casually slip in these words. (+10 bonus points if you speak in a magniloquent British accent when using the following words.) Final exams don’t have to be dreary and dull! With the help of the Backpage, you can make them exciting and just plain merry—by bringing Christmas to your finals! Here are some ideas to get you started: 1. Put jingle bells on the tips of your shoes and skip merrily into every exam. 2. Bring tinsel, fake snow and a tiny Christmas tree and use them to decorate your test space. 3. Sharpen the end of a candy cane and use it as a writing utensil. Chocolate ink has never been more practical— or delicious. 4. Wait for it to get really quiet, then say in a normal voice, “What the cow IS a sugarplum, anyway?” 5. Order a dancing Christmas-gram for one lucky someone in your class. 6. Sing a different Christmas carol every time you start a new question. (“OOP, I’m pretty sure I mangled number four pretty badly, but here I go, moving onto number five—JOY TO THE WORLD . . .”) 7. Fold the test into a triangle, fold it again, and cut out little designs with a pair of scissors. Unfold it, throw it in the air, shout, “IT’S SNOWING,” and leave. 8. When handing the finished test to your professor, suddenly sit on his/her lap and say, “What I want for Christmas is . . . a Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock! Make it happen, big guy!” 9. Bring calculator-shaped Christmas cookies to your math class, atom-shaped ones to your chemistry class, brain-shaped ones to your psych class, etc. 10. When leaving the examination room, wave at everyone still taking the test and shout, “HO HO HO, MEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS!” Good luck on your exams, and remember: Santa didn’t even GO to college, and look where he ended up! Q: DEAR TECHIE, I have a problem. My fingers can’t seem to stop touching the glossy screen of my brand-spanking-new, fresh iPhone 4. It’s all I can do to break my gaze away from my new baby for any reason whatsoever. How can I fix this? A: DEAR OBSESSED WITH MATERIAL OBJECTS, Wow, can you say first world problems? Look, dude, just get over the glamour of being able to check Facebook every two seconds and frantically gaze over your emails. Maybe if you keep in mind that you look like a douchebag staring down at some technology, you will be able to break your habit. Q: DEAR TECHIE, My cell phone only functions if it’s plugged into the wall. This wouldn’t be a problem, except it essentially makes my cell phone a landline, losing all its portable capabilities. How do I cure my phone of this malady? A: DEAR STONE AGE TECHNOLOGY USER, Well, looks like you are gonna have to stick around the house for a while. Might as well catch up on your shows while you text all your friends who are going out to see how much fun they are having. Alternatively, be bold and go out without your phone! However, under these circumstances, you will have to employ a buddy system. Q: DEAR TECHIE, I love taking photos, but for some reason, the zoom button is stuck. Therefore I can only set the frame to be 10x larger than life. What can I do in this dire circumstance? A: DEAR HOMIE WITH PATHETIC CAMERA, Well, as I like to say, there is no photo more beautiful than one that is up close and personal of someone’s face. Gotta have that face all up in your face when you’re lookin’ at it. Hello, individual portraits! Or, if you really want to get a group shot or landscape view, no worries. All you have to do is walk about 100 feet back before taking the pic. A warning, though: an up- close picture of genitalia can make testicles look like desert landscapes. Q: DEAR TECHIE, Christmas is coming up, and the battery life on my laptop computer sucks. Is it bad to ask for a battery for Christmas from my parents? Or should I get a whole new computer? A: DEAR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, Odds are, your computer is screwed. So what you should do is ask your parents for the full package: computer, surround-sound speakers, HD screen hookup, the works. Make them feel really bad for giving you a computer that had a battery that was doomed to fail—this was a terrible thing and you don’t know what you are going to do with yourself. Do this, and the tech world is your oyster. ADVERTISEMENT Bring holiday jubilation to finals week How to use it The male snail has a venerable work ethic, so as to support his family. Although most experts agree that flying snails are fictitious, recent photographs from the Amazon Basin that depict a winged snail in flight have many second- guessing. If trapped, the snail will stare at its predator with its insidious, bright, orb-like eyes until the threat has subsided. Some argue that if snails were ubiquitous, world peace would reign. Snails can be wild and flaccid creatures when provoked. Snails’ flatulencies are often described as being fetid or malodorous. Although media has popularized the notion that all snails are as cute as the renowned “Marcel the Shell,” the truth is that most snails deteriorate into a decrepit and dilapidated mess shortly after they are born. Every snail culture respects elders, and adolescent snails are taught from a young age not to fornicate or defecate in the presence of a revered septuagenarian. The proboscis of a snail is nonexistent, but unfortunately the same cannot be said for Steve Carell. (Bonus points for using Steve Carell’s name). Until recently most experts believed that a snail’s natural habitat was the Serengeti, but the fact that a contingent of snails has mysteriously flocked and resettled in friendly suburban culs-de-sac around the world has many questioning where they truly thrive. Like human males, most male snails do not enjoy post-coitus cuddling. Word Venerable Fictitious Insidious Ubiquitous Flaccid Fetid Dilapidated Fornicate/defecate Proboscis Cul-de-sac Post-coitus ILLUSTRATION BY VAZQUEZ Point Value 3 pts. 6pts. 7pts. 8pts. 9pts. 10pts. 13pts. 25pts. 28pts. 30pts. 50pts. Your Finals Essay Vocab Guide Holiday Techie Tips
