Section 1Understanding the problem and the solution.

Self – Appro✔ed

A preview of my 5 week mini eCourse to address Approval-Seeking and/or People Pleasing.

• Understanding where approval seeking/people pleasing comes from. • The neuroscience of learning new

habits instead. • Bringing awareness to our thinking

process.

This Section:

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Where does approval-seeking or people-pleasing come from?

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For the majority of us it is learnt in childhood. For myself it came from Daddy issues, but it won’t be the same root cause for everyone watching this. Wherever your approval-seeking originated, the good news is that it can be unlearned, like a bad habit. That’s basically what it is. It’s a default behavior that doesn’t serve us anymore. Although we can be consciously aware that we are approval-seeking, I think of it as an unconscious behavior. This is because we often don’t mull it over before we do it – it is often fast and reflexive, in response to something that has triggered us. 

Young brain, few connections. Much learning to do!

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Older brain, highly connected.Much learning already in the bag!

A very cool book for parents or those curious about neurodevelopment: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/1452656797

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Research tells us that the first seven years of life are the most important for learning. When we are born, our basic newborn brain has formed in the womb and pretty much all that has influenced it so far are genetics and the things that can cross the placenta (nutrients etc.). From the moment of birth we are subjected to all kinds of life experiences and these experiences form new synaptic connections between the neurons in the brain.  This is what learning is! And a great deal of the learning you do about your world happens in your first seven years of life.

When you are born you have almost as many neurons as an adult. But the difference is synaptic connections. Not every connection will stay with you for life, there would be far too many to cope with, and your head would be enormous. So only connections that are used repeatedly become a permanent part of your adult brain.

There is a saying in neuroscience, coined by Carla Shatz and based on the work of Donald Hebb, “Neurons that fire together, wire together." Donald Hebb is famous for Hebbian Theory, the concept of synaptic plasticity for learning, which is something we hear about a lot in Neuroscience. What the saying basically means is that repeating the same experience causes the same neuron-to-neuron communication, and the repetition of this cements the synaptic route. The synaptic routes that don’t get repeated die off over time so that we don’t waste brain space learning unimportant things. A great deal of this is, as I mentioned before, is happening before seven years of age.

Repetition = habits or default behaviours!

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Okay, neuroscience is cool.

But where does that leave me right now?

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If you are an approval-seeker, then in your model of the world you must work hard to be accepted. Maybe you don’t feel quite: 

• Whole• Good enough• Worthy of love • Approved of• Comfortable with yourself• Empowered

It’s really worth thinking about how habits and behaviours you learned in your first 7 years of life are unlikely to serve your adult self well today.

Today you are a much different person! Self – Appro✔ed

What worked for me, and what I recommend to you: 

1. Awareness of your patterns and traps.  2. Get out of your comfort zone – this is where the work happens.  3. Make yourself a promise and stick to it.  

Repetition and persistence are the key. Let’s support each other.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfapproved/Self – Appro✔ed

So this week let’s talk about awareness: 

For your homework, this week I want you to bring your

approval-seeking behavior into your conscious awareness.

I want you to be switched on to it.

Where are you working hard to please someone else,

but not making yourself truly happy in the process?Self –

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Would you like to see more?

You can watch the introductory video here: https://www.kajabinext.com/marketplace/courses/4051-self-approved-addressing-approval-seeking