PowerPoint Presentation

Negotiate This!A presentation for WiNK adapted from The Shadow Negotiation by Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams

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How many of you feel like this when you enter a negotiation?You may not know it, but you are a MASTER negotiator.Negotiation happens daily in every interactionwhenever your responsibilities exceed the authority you have.Negotiations never one-offs they form a bigger pictureShape our lives, not just our careers2

Why does this matter?We earn less. In Alberta, the gender gap in income is the largest in Canada. In Calgary, women take home just $0.64 for every $1.00 a male makes.We pay more. . .for homes, cars, clothes, and deodorant.We do more. . .chores at home and hours at work.Complex, multi-factorial issue.

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And before you ask, YES this figure accounts for hours of work, length of service, education as well as position.Lahey, K. (May 2015). The Alberta Disadvantage: Gender, Taxation, and Income Inequality. Retrieved June 1, 2015, from http://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/parkland-research-pdfs/thealbertadisadvantage.pdfSo lets improve your odds!3

What were going to coverWhat impacts negotiation?ParadigmWhats really going onSexNormsTacticsPitfalls

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How to advocate for yourselfGet out of your own wayKey movesAction reactionHow to connect to improve your outcomesCreating a foundationEngaging your counterpartFacilitating collaboration

This presentation is largely based on a fantastic book I read over a decade ago, The Shadow Negotiation. This book goes into much more detial that what I am able to cover in an hour! If you are interested, I encourage you to read it.

Kolb, D., & Williams, J. (2000). The shadow negotiation: How women can master the hidden agendas that determine bargaining success. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

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What were going to cover

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A paradigm for negotiationsNot just one issue, but a stack of issuesView keeps you from win-lose approachFable of the two orangesSeek first to understand

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Two sisters are getting ready to host a christmas party.One wants to make chiffon cake, the other fruitcake.They each need two oranges a total of four oranges.They go to the pantry and find only two oranges.A heated argument ensues.Stores closed.Neighbours away.Each become more entrenched in their position.What they overlooked? The chiffon cakes uses only the juice, the fruitcake only the rind. If one or the other sister were to win they would waste the parts of the oranges that the other sister needed.Seems simple, no? But what might be hidden?What happens if the solution isnt so tidy?

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The ChallengeCant take people out of the problem.Focus on problem-solving assume people are rational.People arent always rational. Why not?Negotiation IS about problem solving, but also a form of social interaction.How do you get the other party to really hear your proposal?

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Some reasons people arent rational:View of conflictIdiosyncracysView of other personOverflowing laundry basketArgument with spouse/kid/barristaMight have NOTHING to do with the negotiation

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Whats going on. . .really?Hidden agendasMasked assumptionsMust surface misguided impressions and unrealistic expectations (including your own)

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Your success dependent on ability to see through the murkNeed to move beyond simple yes-no propositions.Be flexible, be creative, use your strengths.

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Negotiation dualityTwo levels of negotiation:Substance communication (the what)Interpersonal communication (the how)In the unspoken negotiation, it is decided:Whose interests matterWho will command the most attentionHow cooperative they will be in the negotiationMake assumptions aboutWhat the other person wantsOther persons weaknessesHow the other person will behave

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What you are going to negotiateHow you are going to negotiate9

The sex connectionProblem is typically sex-neutralThe hidden agenda not so much. Its a web of influence, social values, and codes of conduct.How we see the influence of sex on negotiation impacts the outcome of our effortsProfessor Higgins vs. Steel Magnolias

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Yes, I used the word sex. Dont be confused, sex in your physical category, gender is the way in which you identify (one of the many things I learned in my masters degree!).

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A closer look: Professor HigginsParadigm: Why cant a woman be more like a man?Remedial work to cure issue.Regardless, still negotiate as a woman.Backlash for adopting masculine approach.Personal experiences?

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A closer look: Steel MagnoliasParadigm: Feminine traits work to our advantage.Whitewashes our entire sex--assumes a constellation of traits are feminine.Attachment to relationship can undermine efforts:Workload on group projectSeverance packageBacklash if successfulPersonal experiences?

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Men get praised for being empathetic, women? Theyre manipulative if successful.12

Who sets the norms?By and large, men define the yardstick for success.This then is assumed to be gender-neutral.What are the norms in your workplace for success?These yardsticks make us question our effectiveness as negotiators.

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Liz, a salesperson who in the cab ride back from a negotiation is told by her boss to be more aggressive, less passive in her approach. Because liz was uncomfortable, she felt out of step with the firm, she felt inept. Even though she had considerable skill and success rate. How do you think her next salary or promotion negotiation went?13

Turn the unspoken to your advantageBalance advocacy and connection:AdvocacyPromote your interestsBlock attempts to undermine credibilityConnectionEstablish rapportEncourage candorCommitment on both parts for win-win solution.

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You need to claim your place, and yet encourage your negotiation partner to work collaboratively. How?

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Good negotiator yardsticksWhat are the assumptions we have about good negotiators?Hmm, sounds awfully like a stereotypical man, no?Effective negotiator deploys certain qualities, and minimizes others (those typical defined as feminine).Catch-22 for women; act like a woman and your skills will be devalued, act like a man and you will be judged as pushy, aggressive and unfeminine.Doesnt mean you shouldnt push your agenda, you just need to know how to manage the hidden negotiation.

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A good negotiator is:ToughTirelessDeterminedPreparedClearDecisiveProblem-focusedUnemotionalDetachedHard-nosedFocussedobjective15

What we need to doTo be effective negotiators:Differences and competencies recognised as valuable.Let go the gender neutral utopian view use unique attributes.Take steps to lessen the impact of sex on negotiationsAcknowledge and air assumptions.Clarify need for win-win.Articulate what is a win for each of you.Stand your ground and ensure you BOTH take responsibility for generating a solution.Dont rest after the other person assumes their fair share of responsibility. You need to reach a genuine negotiated result.

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Common hidden negotiation tacticsTreating something as a fait a compli (Wait? Did I just agree to something?)Using emotion strategically (pulling on your heartstrings)Others?

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Common negotiation pitfallsCommon negotiation pitfalls:Opportunities for negotiation go unrecognized.Not my style.Seeing only our weakness.Bargaining ourselves down.Making sure everyone is happy.Happen when you are uncertain about the situation and doubt your own abilities.Men overplay their handWomen tend to retreat

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It aint over til its over! When you accept no you foreclose on the possibility of negotiation. I.E. getting a juicy new project did you negotiate a change to your other work obligations?Not my style to be pushy. Naomi Wolf labels it the Dragons of niceness. More concerns about others welfare than our own. When we fail to negotiate we deprive others of the opportunity to hear our voice.Once we focus on our weaknesses, we start psychologically one step down. We cant use our strengths if we dont recognise them.Before we even have the opening discussion of a negotiation, we have a private debate with ourselves and we talk ourselves into a lesser goal. The lesser goal MAY be more realistic, but we dont give the other person a chance to consider our first position. Once again, self-doubt dominates our position.After all this hard work, then we stumble at the end in our effort to smooth things over. Because women tend to be great readers of non-verbal cues, we tend to retreat at the signs of displeasure rather than using this as a cue to start dialogue. We also tend to appear as though our goals in negotiation are a moving target.

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Reduce uncertainty and doubtWhen have you self-sabotaged? Did you even realise that you were in a negotiation?Four ways to improve your position:Take stockLearn as much as you canDevelop alternativesGet new perspectives

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Inventory your skills and experience so you can plan ahead.Gather the facts about ALL sides for the situation and use it to set your agenda.Talk to others to help you see the situation in a new way.

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ADVOCATE

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Take StockAsk yourself:Why is the other person negotiating with you?What do you have that they need?What happened when you were successful in negotiations in the past?What do you know about the other party and the situation?What makes you feel vulnerable?

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So you can:Change your mindset from why you need them to why they need you.Make a list of five good reasons they need what you have.Keep the other person focussed on your talents, not weaknesses.Know your own value to give you a psychological edge.Gain insights into what works in negotiation for you.Empowers you in a negotiation -- it helps you plan your strategyAlerts you to occasions when you slip into self-sabotaging patterns or feel your confidence threatened.

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Learn as much as you canFactual informationConcrete reasons why your proposal makes senseKeeps discussion on trackHelps you counter challengesEspecially helpful during salary negotiationsScouting informationAsk others about their take on individuals or organisational politics or culture.Serve as a guide to figure out how to approach the other party.Can allay your fears and boost confidence.Allow you to anticipate problemsIncreases your control over the negotiations.

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Factual information is especially effective in salary negotiation. Protects you from overselling or undervaluing. Make sure you have a walk-away price.Scouting information:Are your demands within the norm?Who else will be affected?What will be others reactions?

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Develop AlternativesAsk yourself:What will happen if you cannot come to terms?What are your alternatives? The other persons?What is the worst that could happen?When you have options, you cannot be held captive.

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So you can:Determine your degree of flexibilityThe better your alternatives, the less your fate hangs, the greater your influence.Strengthen your positionKeep you focused on your goalsSharpens the realistic picture of the situation

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Get fresh perspectivesTo ensure you have the sharpest picture of the situation possible:Seek out objective advice about your situation.Tap into others experienceWiden your focusBe careful though:Not all opinions are objective.Look for a balanced perspective (neither too bleak nor too rosy)

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This will help you to filter out your own biases and assumptions.I.e. when I went through my issues with David I thought he was picking on me, turns out it was his behaviour pattern to turn on new employees after 6 months.Uncertainty can tempt you to narrow your choices. Widen your focus and look for alternatives. Suddenly you wont see yourself as trapped.

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Key movesCounter with strategic moves to use carrots AND sticksHold out incentives create value and make it visibleStep up the pressure make the status quo less attractiveEstablish your authority ahead of timeEnlist support call in the reinforcements!Exert control over the process when the above doesnt fit

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Carrots show the other party the benefits of negotiating with you.Sticks show the other party what theyll lose if they dontIncentives must be meaningful. To demonstrate your worth let things drop when you go on vacation. Incentives: Schedule salary negotiations with your boss during the busiest time of your day and allow interruptions.Pressure: make sure you follow through on threats. Bad travel experience. Force a choice on the other party. Make the consequences just as tangible as the incentives. Indirect approach works too (i.e. negotiating work priorities).Establish authority the shadow negotiations multiply when negotiating on behalf of others. Dont allow work-arounds to your boss.Enlist support I know I pay attention when the CEO hands me a resume! Use your allies as a sort of pressure, engage them in your process to even the odds at the negotiating table, even if it is informally.Exert control over the process: take control of the agenda and seed ideas early. Make it their idea if you have to!

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The action-reaction of negotiationStrategic moves provoke reactions usually designed to put you on the defensive and require a response.Denial or retaliation digs you deeper and brings sex into play.TURN the reaction to your benefit:Interrupt when time is used as a tactic Name all about informationCorrect unmask distored impressions. . .hello sex!Divert shift attention from people to problem. . .with a solution.

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Theyre making strategic moves of their own!Interrupt break the action which buys you time to regroupName let your counterpart know you know what theyre doing. Success depends on whether they know theyre crossing a line or enlightens them to the impact of their manoeuvre.Correct shift the focus to the positive. Supply a legitimate motive. Counter stereo-typed messages.Correct offer an alternative explanation and restore respect to the negotiationDivert shift the talk away from the personal and to problem. Look ahead, not back. Substitute a better idea. Often common when family business, promoted beyond peers etc. gets everyone back on track.26

Sweetheart, honey. . .bitch?!Gendered moves exploit inequalities in power.Attempt to enforce subservient or conciliatory roles.No response IS a response.Disrupt it and stop it cold.Irony (or sarcasm) laced with wit Be prepared so youre not surprised.Leave no comeback.Physical comments exaggerate and show irrelevance

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Yes, its wrong, but as women, we know it happens and more often than wed like. So, what do we do?Interrupt it preferably with humour so you can move ahead with grace.Everyone (men) bonding over the hockey game? Pull out your nail polish and start applying it. When they finally look at you, ask any time youre ready, boys.You guys going to arm-wrestle?I ask about their daughters. . .Post-it note bikinis

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Your campaign remember:Few negotiations are solved in a day.Long term, continuous process.Begin before any exchange takes place.You do not have to be in a great position at the start.

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Youve used your moves.Youve got your partner to the table.

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CONNECT

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People are messy. . .Rarely are negotiations cut and dried.Multiple factors involved in hidden side of negotiations.Must create a collaborative climate.Build a relationship with your counterpart and link your needs.Assumption is that connection leads to concession or accomodationWomen tend to feel need to resist creating relationship.

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I may be a little biased, but it is all about humans, and connection, and relationships.Assumption that relationships are womens work?

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So clean up your approachYouve done the preparation, now you need to listen hard to:The situation from their perspectiveHow they are feelingHow they got hereWe judge ourselves by our intentions, others by their actions get to the intentions.Common concerns will be clarified.Differences in priorities become building blocks for the negotiated agreement.

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LESS MURKINESS31

The connecting processCommit to ensure the other person is heard for the benefit of the negotiation process.Look at your story consider alternate explanations.Listen to their story.Look for links between the two stories.Practice active listening until youre both clear.Recognise mutual concerns

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It takes twoOpen exchange promotes learning.Issues begin to take on different dimensions.Give and take builds trust.Search for mutual needs

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Connecting is one thing. You also have to engage.33

Appreciation = bridgeGenuine appreciation is key to creating a context for mutual exchange. Work to appreciate their:SituationFeelingsIdeasFaceShift from yes-no to the third alternative.

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Situation:Ask them to elaborateRespect their objectionsFeelingsPay attention to undercurrentsPick up on the nonverbalsIdeasRespond to their ideasLink their ideas to yoursFaceShow respect for the others position it lays the groundwork for trust.Make it easy for the other person to retreat always leave wiggle room.

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Its not me, its you.Sometimes collaboration wont work:Needs to go both waysTakes time and energyNot everyone has the skillsSome people firmly win-loseSometimes it is the situation itself.

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ReciprocityResistant personalities know when to throw in the towelDifficult situations power imbalances too great. In this case you continue to use your efforts to collaborate, except they will serve to advance your interests. They will wind up advocacy not collaboration.35

Making it workWork to:Create room for relationship buildingTo encourage participationTo keep the dialogue goingTo make it our problem

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Mental models shape our actions.Create room:Create a comfortable psychological and physical space create a room!Establishes a baseline for behaviourConnection is keyCreate space for storytellingParticipationKeep everyone in the loop, but be sure not to blame.DialogueThe longer we stay in dialogue, the more likely an agreement becomesGive it time to develop relationshipsUse lulls to work backchannelsOur problemLook for links in the problems historyPose questions to encourage the other person to rethink the issue as a joint problem

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NEGOTIATE

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Types of negotiationSituationally dependentPushing (advocacy)Buying a new car/home/applianceNegotiating a raise/promotion/bank loanOther currencies: opportunity, goodwill, time, relationship qualityPackaging (connection)Search for joint gainsFable of the two orangesMutual Inquiry (both)

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The situation being negotiated dictates the weightingAdvocacy heavy = buying a new car/home/appliance, negotiating a new salary/promotion/bank loanDont forget other currencies opportunity, goodwill, time, relationship qualityConnection heavy = 38

PushingWhen you are trying to cut the best deal for yourself.Adversarial because of the nature of the deal.Use the tools of effective advocacy:Be preparedKnow your leverage pointsKnow your alternativesThose carrot and sticks!Blend in connection

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PackagingWhen the situation is more complex that a one issue matterCollaborative because of the variety of elements involved.Use the tools of connection:Be prepared Look (at your story)Listen (to theirs)Link (find common ground)AppreciateUse the differences in wants, needs, and goals to craft package

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I.e. negotiating for a raiseNeed to maintain a good relationship with bossWant more than just money perhaps recognition, time off, benefits, better projects as well.40

Mutual InquiryWhen the situation requires a third alternative as a solutionTools and tenets of mutual inquiry:Connection over advocacyCommitment to mutual learning and joint problem solvingRequires trust, mutual respect, and a shared sense of responsibilityHow can I help vs. what are you looking for?

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In a nutshell; a personal balanceEverything is a negotiation.Prepare!Its all about balance

AdvocacyConnection

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And its sex, not gender42

Thank you!

Reference ListBear, J., & Heller, D. (2014). Power is in the eye of the beholder: Gender differences in power attributions in negotaiation. Academy of Management proceedings, 12136-12136.Eriksson, K., & Sandberg, A. (2012). Gender Differences in initiation of negotiation: Does the gender of the negotiation counterpart matter? Negotiation journal, 407-428.Johnson, J. (n.d.). Gender differences in negotiation: Implications for the workplace. SSRN Electronic Journal SSRN Journal.Kolb, D., & Williams, J. (2000). The shadow negotiation: How women can master the hidden agendas that determine bargaining success. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.Lahey, K. (May 2015). The Alberta disadvantage: Gender, taxation, and income inequality. Retrieved June 1, 2015, from http://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/parkland-research-pdfs/thealbertadisadvantage.pdfLamaj, I., & Gjipali, A. (2013). Gender differences in negotiation. AJIS Academic Journal of Interdisciplinary Studies.Miles, E., & Clenney, E. (n.d.). Gender differences in negotiation: a status characteristics theory view. Negotiation and conflict Mnaagement research, 130-144.Zanardelli, G. (n.d.). Closing the gap: Gender differences in negotiation ability. PsycEXTRA Dataset.

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