The April 27—May 1, 1970

Women's Weakly Being the calculated indiscretion of the University of Queensland Union for Commem Week 1970. • •

W H A C K O 32 PAGES LIFTOUT INSIDE

30 CENTS

TO THE CENTURIONS, GUARDIANS OF QUEENSLAND'S MORALS

Gentlemen of the Vice Squad, I hope you enjoy a few snickers generated

by the contents of this publication. The law grants you alone the benefit of possessing in­corruptible morals.

The law is an ass.

SI00 COMMEM SEMPER CONTEST

Seven entries were received.

Winner of the Tirst prize of $75 was:

BILL EGAN (Eng.lV). Both entries, which were clearly superior to all other entries, arc published here.

Second prize of $ IS was awarded to;

RON GRENIER (Union staff member). One contribution has been printed.

Third prize of $ 10 went on a coin to.ss to:

I.G. CAMPBELL.

The traditional crop of unprintable entries was also received.

EDITOR ADVERTISING

CONTRIBUTORS (alphabetical)

TYPESETTING

Alan Fowler Alan Fowler

Nick Booth Evan Ham Tim O'Dwyer Glen Ricketts

Uniserv Typesetting Press Etching

PRINTER Mirror Newspapers

posters

magazines

programmes

anything

GOESUNDER GOES DOWN UNDER

By JERRY NIGHTLY

For someone who has lived 45 years in Rhodesia iVIr. Edgar Allan Poe-Waters is quite a surprise. He looks like the picture of a Briddish club-man: tall and trim, plump, of medium height, red-complexioned, with creamy-white hair (on his,head, eye-brows and ears), only a little less luxuriant than the moustache on his top lip. But then all is explained. He Is Briddish. Now you may wonder what this so far has;to do with the title of this article. Nothing, really. It is just a frustrating style we copied from IWartin Collins in the "Australian". But to return to this interesting garbage: Fifty years younger in spirit and intelligence than his true fifty-nine years, Mr. Poe-Waters refused at first to talk to us about his gift to the Australian nation. So we belted hell out of him until he gave us this whole ridiculous story, his wallet and gold watch. His gift is a highly decorative and still functional chamber-pot which had first belonged to

Mrs. Lachlan Macquarie, wife of the Governor of the Colony of New South Wales (1810-21). The chamber-pot will have taken a circuitous route back to Australia where it will be kept well and truly hidden, in a basement of the National Library, Canberra. The 'pot was originally made-to-measure for Mrs. Macquarie by a convict craftsman named Metlors who later took his liberty as a game-keeper employed by Governor Macquarie.

Apparently as time passed Mrs. Macquarie found the 'pot inadequate for her nocturnal needs and gave it to her niece Mary Capable-Smith, whose daughter Margaret de L'ightful left it to her grand-daughter Caroline Poe-Waters. Caroline's great-grandson Edgar Allan Poe-Waters decided it was time the chamber-pot went home when sewerage was connected to his modest mansion in a quiet white Salisbury suburb. The official presentation was made by Mr. Poe-Waters in the Salisbury office of the recently appointed Ambas­sador to Rhodesia, Sir James Killen.

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THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970

EXOTIC INDIAN LIFE IN

BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN BRISBANE

This is the beautiful downtown Brisbane townhouse. Bought with the intention of renovating, the house is used by several teachers of yoghurt and by students of transcontinental meditation.

A fanatical supporter (second from left) of the White Australia Policy is restrained from the expression of his opinion. Rammita is on the right."

Eunuchs guard the entrance to Brisbane's ivory tower.

Recently arrived from India are several exponents of the well-known Indian art of Yoghurt. The leader of the team, Rammita Pyuras, when asked where the team came from, replied, "Oh, Calcutta! But we had few problems coming through your Customs, you are understanding. They were being most helpful after they were learning that we were from Calcutta, India, not Calcutta, New York. My word, yes."

Rammita and his colleagues have settled into a large sandstone Brisbane dwelling place near the river, which is a blot on the scenery and is definitely a Mysore. It is their hope to encourage the art of Yoghurt (as depicted on the front cover}, and to spread the art of Yoghurt at first across Brisbane and later across the entire State. .

Also staying with the team is a group of. students studying transcontinental meditation. These students, proteges of the Maharishi Hashish Yoghurt, frequently conduct full undress rehearsals (see front cover [again!]) as part of their training. The vivid colours with which they paint themselves have definate symbolic meanings. The violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red all symbolise the colours one can ordinarily see.

Rammita and his followers were met at the airport

THE WOMBNS WEAKLY —April 27—May 1, 1970

by a group of unwashed youths, who described them­selves as students. They asked him whether he was in favour of the proposed Moratorium. After consulting with one of his followers, Rammita replied, "I am told that this word means a period when one does not have to pay any debts. I am fully in favour of it."

He went on to explain that, at his college, students would have complete control over the way in which subjects would be taught, and would even set their own examination papers.

The students held a brief consultation, and declared that since Rammita had anticipated their demands in advance, he was "a lick-spittle lackey of international communo-fascist imperialism" because he had left them with nothing to protest against. They marched off, chanting, "R. Pyuras - the enemy of the people".

As Yoghurt and transcontinental meditation spread across Brisbane and people fall under its influence, Rammita expects many people to become involved in the practices of Yoghurt and transcontinental med­itation. He also expects to make a lot of money from TV and radio appearances, and from airline com­missions, as he will emphasise the necessity for all his followers to make several pilgrimages to his place of birth in East Finchley, London.

'Injuns? Whuz tha Injuns? Ah'll blow out their gizzards."

COMMEM SEMPER IS SAT UPON l-ROM GREAT HEIGHTS

IN the exercise of (heir discretion, tlie printers last Friday refused to print t!ie original front cover for this issue. Also to sviffcr wer? 80,000 pages already printed, which were consigned to the pulping plant because of allegedly obscene and defamatory mutter in the cover story.

PogeS

•

^^^^m^ ^^^^^^^^H' ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ V

\

1

ll ,i

LEFT: Cock Pit : Sitting on

a Throbbing Red Joy Stick

LEFT: Symbol of Deflower Power : De Flower, Further Activity was Laid on the Table until the next Meeting

BELOW: Anyone for a Pillow Fight? Last one in is a Born Loser.

RANDY comes to Town

BELOW: Making Randy is like Taking Fruit From a Baby. Seen here Pashin' Fruit is Dick Spurtin, one of the Original Hairy Guys.

Famous Bulgarian actress Ima Slakmollski has the leading roll playing a rabbit in 'Randy'. Her opposites are English actor Dick Spurtin who plays a person of stallion qualities, and Yanker Wal Nut who plays a queen.

The story starts in Ima's burrow when Dick becomes pashinate and expresses his amorous desires. Ima stalls but stallions (who frequent stalls and are better acquaint­ed with their purposes) don't and Dick Spurtin does. Next on the stack is Gringo Parr who balls Ima on cue on the billiard table.

In the greatest of all love scenes, Ima supports Wal Nut and backs up him in a tender moment of true devotion. Ima becomes flighty and takes off in a large commercial airliner decorated with wall to wall floors. An erotic fantasy in her cock pit precedes a frolic in the charming­ly appointed cabin. The cabin decorations resemble a bucket of shell grit blasted onto the cabin walls and then painted a delightful shade of chunder-green. At the rear of the plane is Ima's dentist, played by Fang Sharp. Ima

Page 4

ABOVE: "Harder! Push Harderl You're Hardly Moving Me Ringo!"

on entering the chair said that having teeth extracted was as painful as having a baby. Retorted Fang;'Well, make up your mind in a hurry because I'll have to alter the position of the chair.'

The plane burnt up while attempting to re-enter the earth's atmosphere.

"CANDY" comes to the Town Theatre In July.

Don't miss it,

TiiE Wo.MEN's WE,\KU—Apr i l 27—May 1, 1970

SOCIAL ROOTAROUND

OFF for a trip of southern abattoirs is Miss Agatha Pruneface, who was recently chosen as Miss Soap Sud. Agatha, who works in the boning room at Borthwicks meatworks, was chosen by her fellow imployees as tha one at whom they would most like to point their bones. Shortly after, Agatha won the meat-works Miss Tatlow Boiler contest. Her prize as Miss Tallow Boiler is five years' supply of cooking margarine. As Miss Soap Sud, Agatha will receive five years' supply of aerosol shaving cream, floating soap, and detergent.

A HONEYMOON in glorious downtown Slacks Creek will follow the wedding next Saturday ol Miss Nora Norgs and Mr Sammy Long Prong. Nora and Sammy met in Sydney shortly after Sammy's arrival from Hong Kong. There was a whirlwind courtship lasting Mn days during their journey to Brisbane from Sydney's Chapel Street. The wedding will be held in the Registry Office, Brisbane. The bride's father, Mr John Norgs, a prominent musician, will provide musical accompaniment at the wedding on a casette tape recorder. The reception is to be held at the Brisbane Joss House, which is becoming famous for the high quality of joss being served to patrons. Sammy expects to have no further problems with the immigration department.

Miss Virgina Simple looked ravishing the Other night at her def iowerment by Mr Randy Hand. The ceremony took place under the jacaranda trees at her parents' riverside home. Virgina wore a black lace evening dress which was later discarded in favour of the more comfortable and suitable tartan rug from Randy's car.

JUST back from a fabulous honeymoon trip are Cecil and Maud Jerks. They day-tripped from their motel room in idyllic Cribb Island. Unfortunately, the motel was raided and Cecil and Maud were arrested for possessing marijhuana. Their trips ceased thereafter.

A SILK shantung G-string and anodised aluminium foil nipple caps (made by Norko Milk Pty Ltd! will be worn fay Miss Myrtle Screw at her wedding next weekend to Mr. Alphonse Cork. Myrtle is the only mistake of Mr. John Jones and Miss Agatha Screw.

TELEPHONE call last week from prominent capitalist shareholder in Australian Consolid­ated Press, Mr. Julius Goldberger, who men­tioned that his daughter, Sarah, is soon to be married, Sarah's fiance is Mr. Patrick Joseph O'Reilly, whom she met at a Salvation Army crusade three years ago. The wedding is to be held in the Greek Orthodox church, and Archbishop Strong will perform the ceremony. After the honeymoon, Patrick and Sarah will return to their jobs as caretakers of the Mosque.

LATE Prank Packer who met a timely fate at the hands of his sons in a barrel of printers' ink, was carried to his last earthly niche by his close colleagues and business friends, incl­uding Mr. Mupert Rurdoch. His large circle of bereaved friends wished him a speedy trip to his well-earned final spiritual abode.

AT RIGHT: About to leave on his annual vacation is playboy Dick Kickapoo, seated on his cus­tom-fitted open tourer. The vehicle, rated at two serf-power, has a top speed of one league per hour on level ground and is built for speed rather than for comfort. His pfaymate, Miss Angelique Sweetlips, on the contrary, is built for comfort rather than

for speed. Her top comfort is about twenty inches on level ground and is rated as hard work. Here she is seen seated on her custom-built posterior, about to farewell Dick on his urgently needed vacation (note the supporting straps).

ABOVE:

This delightfully candid view of two visitors to the annual Gardeners' Show depicts well-known sower, Mellors, and his landlady-employer. Lady Shatterley. Their discussion was on the relative nwrits of mulching and caring for some wild oats which had just been sown.

ABOVE: So It's usually the other way around. Performing the unnat­ural twist is Miss Penelope Wiseacre who forgot to wear her chastity belt. On the rec­eiving end of her insurance premiums is Mr. John Dimwit, who, despite his glared exp­ression, has not yet woken up to his partner's fiendish plot.

BELOW: What happened at the grog-on at a city hotel last week? Well, "Time, gentlemen" wasn't enough so they switch­ed out the lights. The show must go on, so it did. Illumin­ation was generously provided by a disturbed hotel guest, Mr. R. van Winkle, Left to right in the photo are Miss Nora Norgless, Mr. J. Punch, Mrs. Maud Smith and her husband Mr. Fred Smith. Mr. Punch's wife, Judy, also attended the function but was entertaining elsewhere at the time of the photo.

AT RIGHT: Well-known social climber Miss Gladys Punypaps attempts to attract the cameraman's atten­tion. As will be observed her efforts were not unsuccessful, unfortunately for you, It was rumoured that her escort was a well-known stallion by the name of Genghis Khan (Mark 111). The rumour proved false, unfortunately for her. Miss Punypaps has since returned whence she came, owing to a bout of pneumonia contracted after prolonged contact with cold marble floors.

THE AUSTRALIAN WOAIEN-S WEAKLY —April 27—May 1,1970 Page 5

SEARCH FOR

JUNGLE BUM By BILL EGAN

IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, THAT TRULY INSIPID EXPLORER AND JOURNALIST ROBERT STANLEY, TELLS WOMEN'S WEAKLY OF HIS HAIR-SPLITTING ADVENTURES IN DARKEST AFRICA DURING HIS SEARCH FOR MISSING SCIENTIST DR LIVERSTONE.

STANLEY IN TRAINING FOR THE SAFARI.

My name is Stanley.

I am an Explorer. (I used lo be a Plorcr but I had lo give it up).

"Oh Stanley dear," my old Mother wept piteously, "I do wish you weren't going safari, Just because Dr Livcrstonc has (he gall to get lost in the impenetrable jungles of the Dark Continent. Why not just gel Ihc launch to Bi.'shop Island?"

i merely smiled bravely and chucked her under Ihe chins. My rather had died of a clot. U was Mother.

Resides, this was lo be my Great Adventure, for I knew that if I could find Livcrstonc I would be famous.

And so lo ,«a.

I had always .luspected that the "S.S." before a ship's name would spell Sea Sickness for me, but I soon discovered it stood for Sin and Sex. With all lho.« loose women running loose that luxury liner was more like a tramp steamer. Outside the 3-mile limit Iherc wasn't any.

I lost 10 lbs. before 1 reached Africa.

Once in Zanzibar, however, 1 set about the serious business of finding suitable transport for my arduous journey. Signs all over the city said "Mammoth Sale", yet 1 had great difficulty in purchasing an Elephant. I got one eventually by looking up the Pink Pages under "Procurers", although the man warned mc that he thought I was being a trifle too ambitious for a beginner.

When \ asked liim about Native ticarcts, lie replied sadly that there weren't any Koalas left in Africa. However, he was quite delighted when he realised 1 meant Porters.

"Bwana lucky" he shouted, "Zulus back in town." So, for only $20, I finished up with an elephant, 8 Zulu

bearers and 4 dirty postcards.

I still don't sec how they do it.

Thus began llic terrifying tortuous (rip through the steaming sweltering jungle, pressing ever onward towards Lake Tanganyika in search of the missing Livcistonc.

Tlic privations were awful. (You'd think a country as old as Africa would be SEWERED,)

Have you ever ridden an elephant? After three agonising days I had two enormous blisters on that part of my anatomy which was expressly designed for sliding on; I was forced to stop at a friendly Kaffir village for medical treatment.

The Witch Doctor diagnosed the trouble as Pachydermatitis and prescribed a long-.slanding cure.

He refused payment, but when I a.skcd him would he Kaffir a cigarette he gracefully accepted.

Quite close to the Witch Dispensary was a circle of native warriors, all shouting excitedly as one of them threw 2 coins into the air.

"They look as thougli they're playing Two-Up" 1 joked to the Witch Doctor.

"They arc," he rcpUctl, "They're Head Hunters." "I'm a Tail Dackcr myself," I told him.

Page 6

The Witch Doctor eyed mc carefully.

"You don't look it. Incidentally, if you want a bet in Sydney or Melbourne you can go to the local TABU - it'sjust behind the sacrificial altar."

"How very appropriate," I murmured.

My stay at the Kaffir village was a pleasant one, until the day 1 wandered alone into the jungle. There I met a tiny black boy, It was a humid day and he was perspiring freely. 1 realised at onre that he was a Hottentot.

"What are you doing?" I asked him affably. "I'm drawing the Lion." 1 looked over his shoulder.

"But lions aren't red and blue and orange and purple!" He looked at me disdainfully. "I'm drawing the COLOUR Lion, white man." He look my hand and led me through the dense undergrowth

to a strange native village.

"Mr Stanley, this is my falhcr, Nay Vcl." I bowed ceremoni­ously.

"Father," he said, "This is Supper."

I was in a terrible stew, when suddenly a huge white man wearing only a banana leaf emerged from the jungle. With friglitcncd cries the Hottentots disappeared as the stranger strode towards mc shouting "Ungowa! Ungowa!" with extreme ferocity.

MODELLING THE LATEST IN JUNGLE JOCKSTRAPS. TARZAN TURNS THE OTHER CHEEK.

"Mc Tarzan," he said, plucking mc from the pol, "You a Jane?"

"Oh no," I hastily assured him, "I'm a Stanley." He examined me minutely, then gave a satisfied nod.

"You a Stanley all right," he confirmed, "Shake." 1 shook obediently.

"I mean shake hand.s" said the Ape Man impatiently as he vigorously pumped my hand.

My poor fingers felt as though (hey had been permanently welded ~ it must have been Tarzan's Grip.

My rescuer didn't really look like Tarzan - his skin hung in fotlorn folds around a permanently expanded stomach, whilst his long grey hair could not conceal a vast bald patch. He didn't smell too good either.

Tarzan writhed under my inscrutable scrutiny and explained that I'd caught him without his make-up on; but even as he .spoke, he casually disembowelled a man-eating lion which had sprung at us, so I had to admit that he was the real thing.

Then I noticed his twisted leg,

"What happened to your leg?" 1 asked solicitously. (I once studied law.)

"The bloody vine finally broke," he spat disgustedly. "Every­thing's gone wrong since Jane ran off with that blasted Dr Liverpill."

"Liverstone?"

Tarzan smote his chest in fury.

"That's him!" he coughed. "Sneaked off in the night they did, without even leaving a message stick."

I quickly explained my presence in Africa and we decided to join forces in seeking out Dr Liverstone.

Tarzan's excitement was intense.

"Have some lunch with me first, then go and pick up your elephant. I'll drive my Jaguar."

"What's for lunch?" I panted as I struggled to keep pace with the Ape Man along the rough jungle trail.

"l-'resh Panther Pic - I caught a couple this morning." But when we got there, millions of huge African ants had

invaded the black carcasses.

"I'm afraid," 1 announced ruefully, "You have ants in your Panthers."

"Never mind," said Tarzan thrusting his hands into a cauldron bubbling nearby, "We still have the entree. Eat up,"

"This is absolutely delicious poultry," I complimented between mouthfuls, "Wliatisit?"

"Sucking Pygmy." I hastily pushed my plate away. "I prefer white meal." I said apologetically.

We set off at dawn next day. Tarzan looked most impressive. He had applied T.V. make-up liberally and had changed inlo a fresh tiger skin.

"Now me American," he boasted, "Tarzan stripes. Ungowa. Let s go.

Unfortunately, his joy was short lived - a gigantic female gorilla had suddenly blocked the trail and 1 fired both barrels of my elephant gun with devastating effect. ^

"Aw Gee, Stanley, Giraffe to do that?" sobbed Tarzan brokenly, "That was myMom. ERB will be terribly upset."

"ERB'?"

"ERB, That's me Dad. Edgar Rice Burrows." Then he shrugged his stomach. "Ungowa," he said philosophically, "I guess site tried to make a monkey out of him."

To page 10 THE WoAtl-N's WKAKLV—April 27—May 1, 1970

GREASE TRAP TRIP

"Yeah. I clean grease traps.'

f )

Rothwells say

concentrate on your speech and leave your dresswear to the experts

i fS*

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Cess demonslrales the method of inspecting a pease trap. Here he surfaces for his second deep breath.

The butcher, baker, and particularly the milkman are probably familiar sights around your home. Bui what of the other people on whom you rely for household services? One of these is the grease trap cleaner, a person whose presence is obvious by the ring of confidence he exudes.

Devotion beyond the call of duty as a grease trjip cleaner has earned Cess Pool of Brisbane an overseas study scholarship to study the latest developments in grease trap cleaning tech­niques in America, England and Europe, Before he left last week, Women's Weakly decided to find out from him a little of the life of a grease trap cleaner.

Cess graduated several years ago with an engineering degree from Queensland University. After several years with the Brisbane

THBWOMEN'S WEAKLY —April 27-May 1,1970

Q

The brilliant speech—the standing ovation — how often behind such moments, the authoritative styling of a Rothwell dinner suit or tail suit has played its part.

For over half a century the name Rothwells has been synonymous with elegant evening wear in fine quality lighter-weight fabrics expressly created for Queensland's climate.

Dinner Suits $45 to $79

FuU Tail Suits $79.50

Australia's finest selection of evening accessories,

f > itlivrells BRISBANE. COOLANGATTA. TOOWOOMBA R5

City Council during which he was involved in the planning and design of bus stops. Cess resigned and put up his shingle in Spring Hill.

Cess is a voracious reader of Ihc Grease Trap Cleaners' Journal, a quarterly publication of the English Grease Trap Cleaners' Association. He has been a frequent contributor to the Journal and believes that because he has received the study scholarship he will be able to observe at first hand the latest ideas in grease trap cleaning. A new British method of cleaning grease traps involves the use of a bucket and windlass. Cess believes that this method may be suitable for use in Australian conditions.

The traditional Australian method of cleaning grease uaps is to empty them by the mouthful. However. Cess believes that the increasing use of detergents and enzyme soap powders involves a pollution hazard for grease trap cleaners. The constant exposure of Ihe average Australian grease trap cleaner's epiglottis to the effects of chemical detergents has resulted in sterility.

The adoption of tlie modern overseas methods of cleaning grease traps is expected to result in an inllux of university graduates into the profession of grease trap cleaning.

Farewell Cess. Al the going down of the sun and the overflowing of the grease traps wc will remember you.

Page 7

It's new. It's exciting. It can be a little complicated too. But listen. Life can be easier for you. RAGS Tampons all but do away with diff­icult day!«. The unique des­ign of RAGS allows them to expand lengthwise not sideways. As it expands you wrap it around your waist or anywhere else you like. But be sure that your boy­friend does not try to hug you;

For a free sample, send $5 in a plain envelope to Commem Semper, Union, St. Lucia. We may even reply with advice on what you can do.

LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT BANK?

We're here. We have a full branch right inside the University, providing every savings and trading bank service.

Easy to f i nd— 1st FLOOR

STUDENT UNION BUILDING We also have a sub-branch in the J.D. Story Administration Building. It's handy and you get all banking services there too. Savings accounts, cheque accounts, overseas business, travellers' cheques—we provide them all. AND our cheque books and passbooks have "University of Queensland (St. Lucia)" on them.

HOURS OF BUSINESS: Savings Bank

Mon.-Thurs. Friday

Trading Bank Mon.-Thurs. Friday

Get with the Strength

BANK eoMMommm

9.30 a.m.-3 p.m. 9.30 a.m.-5 p.m.

10a.m.-3 p.m. 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

. . . /fs the 8/ggesf/

WitViXXmt^mtvm Outerwear

* Cnr. Hawken Drive &

Central Avenue, St. Luda.

214 Moggill Road, Taringa

Phone: 713645

A/Hr«: 75384

•laiKrSMAM f>1„ VALLFV - . ^

NOW SHOWING

Page 8

Fred Edwards sells «L" and "P» plates.

He's a foundatioii member of QUDSA

So what? Edwards Driving School

is tfte only one which offers a genuine 10% discount to students.

Edwards Driving School Phone: 48.6449

or 2.8411

FREE PICK UP

MONEY-SAVING HANDY HINTS

Summons servers are an odd breed. Scabs and top-offs to a man, yet tliey possess a devotion to duty as noble as the vocation of a priest. To confront, and foil such a mania is an achievement that would get any devotee three stripes in the N.L.F. But it can be done.

At Home For the sake of simplicity, we introduce Mr,

Smith. Mr. Smith has been around a long time, and has

little or no .sympathy for such things as banks and hire purcha.« companies.

Now let's suppose that a summons server tries to get Mr. Smith at home.

For this reason he has developed an instant-reaction technique when asnswering the door as follows:

Bell rings and Mr. Smith takes a long shot of something strong, shivers, and opens door. An ugly little man in an old suit stands there.

Hackles, rising our Hero asks him what he wants.

The ugly little man reaches for his right vest pocket and says, "Is Mr. Smith in?"

Mr. Smith, glowering: "No, he's gone to Fiji." Ugly little man's hand stops moving towards

his vest pocket. "You mean he doesn't live here any more?" Mr. Smith, glowering even harder: "yes he lives

here. He flies home every night for supper." Ugly little man, reaching for his pocket again,

"Oh, in that case.. ." Stops, stares hard at Mr. Smith. Our Hero

sneers and slams the door in his face. Of course the secret of this technique is

reaction. One needs some years' experience with process

servers, or some very high class training, before he can look someone in the eye and say without hesitation that he's not there, he's in Fiji.

But you get it after a while. Many summons servers, being sneaky fellows

at heart, are prone to identify a vicrim first on the phone.

This can be overcome. Phone rings. Our Hero picks it up and says

gruffly: "Who is if!" There will always be a slight pause at such a

direct approach. If an unfamiliar voice says, 'Is Mr. Smith

there?" our hero bounces back immediately with: "What Mr. Smith?"

You see the cunning of this. In case it is someone he should see, he's left the door open. Now the process server will be even more bewild­ered, and may end up by saying something like: "The Mr. Smith that owes Bloodsucking Mcrch-antile Pty. Ltd. all that money."

In which case our hero immediately says, "Oh, that Mr. Smith, He's in gaol." And hangs up.

Never answer the phone in your own voice. It's sudden death.

At Work

Another important area of vulnerability is al work. The forward thinking debtor will build up an elaborate and foolproof network around him imm­ediately he settles into a new office. (Summons dodgers frequently find themselves in new offices.) Office boys and giris must be instructed at all costs to discover the identity of every caller and the nature of his business.

To make sure this has been accomplished, have a friend call up and ask for you without givmg anything away. If he still manages to get to you, take the office boy aside and tell him about things you know.

Point out the possibilities of him getting his head punched in if it happens again.

And offer him a dollar for every summons server he stalls.

You never have to pay it. Office boys are very easily conned. ' '

Next, get the switch-girl on side. This can be done m a variety pf ways, none of which need lengthy discussion here.

This achieved, it is a simple matter for her to tell every caller you're not in, and take a number where you can ring them back. „:.l^ '!'7u **°"'* '' " ' » """"bcr you're better off without them.

u.^P°£^ ^°^P' "r''?."' 'fy'"e to tee up the boss. If he s the sort of bastard who'd let himself be cowered by process servers you're better off in another job.

Banks The most persistent of summons servers are

banks. They use all sorts of ruses to trap the unwary. "

It's because they're so close to a quid, you see. They just can I bear to think of anyone dudding them for it. "

Such activities are strictly a one-way deal, to be welcomed in the form of exorbitant bank charges and slovenly service but never as an unpaid overdraft. '

Continued Page 25

Tins WOMEN'S WEAKLY -April 2?-May 1,1970

OUR BEAUTIFUL

AUSTRALIA

Seldom can arMt of land ba nid to aCnfKM|)lMrt. Jutt a faw mHai from dw middia of BrMMna is such an araa. How did diii atmoiphara ariia? It aroaa from tha tidal mudftati. It araia from stagnant watar In iha ctilvarts. It aroaa from a pila of Mvaral hundrad f iaroaly-bumini tyrat. tt aroaa from tha umaalad roadt which dit-appaarad undar hugi pooh of watv avary twanty yards or so and which forced cars to driva on tha grass footpath. It arosa from tha tubbidi and rusting hullcs of can dumpad on tfta mudflats.

Who could hava carad IMS? Obviously not tha Brisbana City Council. Obviouily not tha Statt Govammant. Why not? I f s only a small pert of ona aiactorata and a vary poor part at that, so why worry?

THIS WEEK—BRISBANE

But than art soma who do cart. Thay small but wall-kapt homas facing bhuman straats in tha sama araa. And tha small of burning rubbar didn't affact tham bacausa tha wind W M blowing towards tha city and thay wara upwind. And resignation comas aasHy whan objection is futile. This is just another urban area sequestered from the reality of city life because of the poverty of the inhabitants. This ii not an aboriginal ghetto. It only represents the typical one.

And who bothers to care ^bout them, either?

'^.•-•mim

SEARCH FOR JUNGLE BUM

Continued from Page 6

'Tarzan," I asked, "Just what docs 'Ungowa' mean?" The Ape Man scratched his head, sending great clouds of

dandruff Hoating down to settle on his scrawny shoulders like the snows on Kilimanjaro.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, " 'Ungowa' is an expression used throughout Darkest Africa by the proletariat. Its derivation is the subject of some little dispute, but most linguists and philologists are of the opinion that it originates from the Afrikaans word "Aardverk." However, in my view Ihe most accurate interpretation of the word "Ungowa" would simply be 'Not Gowa'.

"Oh," 1 said. Day after day we trekked through the steaming wilderness,

pausing only when we came to a Zebra crossing. Within two weeks I was an absolute trek, but just when I felt I couldn't trek another step, wc reached Ihe Steppes.

Sudden unearthly laughter made me reach uneasily for my elephant.

"Don't worry," chuckled my companion, "It's only a Wine-ocerous."

"You mean Rhinocerous?" "Well, he was until he plonked himself in that vineyard over

there. Now the old Rhino is just an old Wine-o."

"Are they Wine-os too?" I asked, pointing to a herd of huge black animals wallowing half-submerged in the muddy waters of the Congo River. "See, each one has a string of beads and a flower."

"Ungowa. Pay no attention. They're just a lot of Hippies." "Well, they're a better looking bunch than the ones back

home." We had to ford the great Congo River and I noticed a number

of crocodiles giving gleeful grunts of saurian anticipation as they slithered surreptitiously into the slimy stream.

Tarzan saw them too and trembled violently. "Ungowa," he whimpered, "Can I come up on your elephant?

I'm terrified of those nasty things - besides, I can't swim." "Oh, go on," 1 derided, "I've seen you outswim crocodiles

hundreds of limes." "No, that was my stand-in," he confided as he tied his Jaguar

to the elephant's tail and climbed up beside me. "1 can't even do the lion-paddle."

"Mush" I commanded when my passenger was safely aboard, and the faithful elephant gingerly tippy-toed into the muddy shallows. Crocodiles surged towards us from all directions.

"Whatever you do, don't smile at them," warned the Ape Man.

Half-way across the river we heard the dreadful sound of snapping jaws right behind us.

"I think my Jaguar has had it" groaned Tarzan. "The big end has gone completely."

"Fords are better for crossing rivers," I told him sagely.

TARZAN AND JANE REUNITED.

NOTE TARZAN'S PHALLIC SYMBOL.

Two days later, on the slopes of Kilimanjaro, we found our quarry. Dr Liverstone and Jane were standing in front of it

"Hi Jane! cried Tarzan excitedly, "What's Gnu?" "Oh, it's you. You certainly took an Elephant time to get

here."

I just stood in wordless wonder. I had seen many beautiful giris in Africa but Jane, swaying gently in the soft summer breeze, was way out in front Had she been dressed, I'd have sworn she was wearing Cheetahs.

Jane sidled up to me and 1 sidled up to her until we were sidle by sidle.

"Pucker Sahib," she whispered hoarsely, but Tarzan intervened. "Hey, none of that!" he shouted roughly, "I've had enough

nonsense from you already. Why did you run off like you did?"

"That horrible man misled me," hissed Jane «ndictively as she pointed a scornful manicure at Dr Liverstone. "He told me he was a Sexagenarian - but he must be sixty years old if he's a day. All he ever wants to do is dig and sleep."

Then she heaved a deep thigh and wrapped herself around her mate.

"Thank goodness you came for me Tarly Dariy. laney missed her little Ape."

"Ungowa," crowed Tarzan as he carried her off into the night. Shortly afterwards we heard the Ape Man's exultant cry

echoing through the mountains. "He must have killed another lion," commented the unworldly

Doctor.

1 then turned my attention to the good Doctor who stood surrounded by picks, shovels and holes. Right behind him was a huge pile of glistening diamonds.

"Dr Liverstone, I presume." He beamed. "And you would be Stanley. You are indeed most welcome.

I . . . . " He was interrupted by a dishevelled American who had

mysteriously materialised from behind a mango tree. "Say, buddy, can you spare a diamond?" the stranger asked

humbly from the back of a fat cigar, "I haven't eaten a bite in two hours."

Dr Liverstone gave him a handful of glitteting stones and the stranger gratefully disappeared.

"Thank goodness for the Americans. Piles like mine can be very embarrassing you know. This place would be completely cluttered with diamonds but for their unselfishness. So far I have found nothing else, but 1 am absolutely convinced that the discovery of a fabulous Ancient Inca Civilisation is undoubtedly imminent"

"But Doctor, this is Africa, not South America." Dr Liverstone looked aghast, amazed, agonised, dumbfounded,

distracted, disturbed, perplexed, puzzled, perhirbed, confused, stupified, vexed, bewildered and not a' little put out by my statement

"Are you sure?" "Quite sure." "Good grief... aren't 1 a peanut?" Next moming, Dr Liverstone had recovered sufficiently from

his slight error for me to load him onto my elephant for the long trip home. After an affectionate pat on the rump (the elephant's) I bravely watched as the rotund figure (Dr Livcrstone's) disap­peared into the depths of the Congo.

Me? 1 went west and finally settled down. ^

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Page 10 THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970

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91

AJO)S I l l - J '"J SUPPLEMENT TO COMMEM SEMPER, APRIL 1970

CREDITS Editor: Mcfe Booth Assitants: Alan Fowler

TerryRput Jqhn Chapman yjttO UL ja*vi I Ij. 4 ''•t'/ w

•TO STEAL FROM ONE AUTHOR IS PLAGIARISM: TO STEAL FROM MANY IS RESEARCH." With this research scientists' proverb in mind, here arc our

RESEARCH Sources The Australian: 15, 23; Chance: 20; Commem Semper '68: 13; The Double Bed Book (Hallmark): 3, 5, 18, 21 , 23, 24, 25, 27;Gary Ord, 4QG: 23;/([fn^jr'Crosj Whisper: 6-7, 11, 12, 16-18, 20-23, 24; National Pharmacy Students' Magazine: 4-5; Paul Simon: 14; Playboy: 11;Playgirl: 4; RACQ,: 15; Traditional: 25-29; 30-31. There arc also small quantities of original work. Authorised by John Chapman (Proprietor), and Published by Alan Fowler, both of the University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, 4067. Printed by Mirror New^spapcrs.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR: Mr. Fletcher, Queensland Minister for Education, on ABQ2's "Today Tonight" was asked about the Government's plans for the Mount Gravatt University, and replied: "Nobody knows what our plans are." And ain't that the tnitli?

^Ijatko! 1970 (Stnulne UttSteritp Cbttion

32

3n5ftructionfl( for Wi^t: 1. Remove from rest of magazine.

2. Fold down continuous lines. 3. Fold down broken lines.

4. Cut along continuous lines. 5. Open. 6. Read,

7. Throw away in disgust. 8. Write strongly-vyorded letter of protest to Sunday Truth to

boost next year's sales. 9. Do not take seriously any advertisements In this section.

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ANGRY EDITORIAL! It can hardly have escaped the notice of even the most dim-witted readers of this dubious magazine that this is not quite the usual format of "Whacko!" In fact, as stated on the cover, this is a genuine austerity edition. Now, lovers of "Whacko!" (assuming that such people exist) may just possibly wonder why this is so. The answer is quite simple. Last year, "Commem Semper" and "Wbackol" made a profit (for charity) of only $50 or so. This was because "Commem Semper" decided to go all serious and Intellectual. To anyone having the slightest knowledge of the reading tastes of the great Queensland Public, it will be obvious that this was not a good idea. In fact, it was such a bad idea that "Commem Semper" lost over $600. "Whacko!" 69, on the other hand, was the best-received edition for years, and made a profit of over $650. Now, the powers-that-be in the University of Queensland Union, seeing that their charities had received only $50 from sales of Commem publications, decided that some action would have to be taken to ensure that 1970 produced record profits. One might think that the best way to do this would be to make sure that, in 1970. both "Commem Semper" and "Whacko!" were of good quality, so as to ensure high sales of both magazines, thus making two profits from each victim. However, the logic of this escaped the Union heavies. Instead they felt that one publication should be produced and sold, thus ensuring a lower profit margin, because only one copy could be sold to each victim. Then came the question of which publication should go - "Commem Semper" or "Whackol" Because "Whacko!" was the older-established magazine, and because it was highly successful in 1969, it was quite obvious to the Treasury of the University of Queensland Union that "Whacko!" would have to go. And this highly logical train of thought explains^ why "Whackol" ushers in a new decade under the protective wing of "Commem Semper". "WHACKO!" LOVERS UNITE! SWAMP THE UNIVERSITY UNION WITH DEMANDS THAT, IN 1971, THEY RE-INSTATE "WHACKO!" AS A SEPARATE AND AUTONOMOUS MAGAZINE!! Write to "Whacko!" Fan Club, University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, 4067; or phone 711611 and ask for John Chapman; and DEMAND that "Whacko!" be allowed back on the streets next year. ^ | , • < U i ^

Lousy bastard: Person who sits and scratches himself while his mother and father are being married.

Lubritorium: Aboriginal Harem. Lysistrata: Heroine of the first

Pubic war. Middlesex: Curious affliction nec­

essitating the address "Dear Sir or Madam".

Money: Like the Senate, is heard of, but not seen.

Moron: Something which in the wintertime girls would not have so many colds if they put.

Mini: Like the Honda Scamp: not much there but it screams for attention.

Monotony: Practice of having only one wife.

Moses: Natural son of Pharaoh's daughter and a bullrush.

Myth: Female moth. N.B.: No Beer. No: Female expression which,

translated, means "Don't do that, 1 like it."

Notes: Things acquired at lect­ures. They differ from bank notes in that bank notes are of value.

Nudist Colony: Place where men and women air their differ­ences.

Oboe: An ill wind no-one blows good.

Ovation: Propagation of the species by egg-laying.

Overhead: Reason the Romans gave up their holidays — the Lions ate up all the Prophets.

Peeress: Female peeping Tom. Physic: A purgative medicine. Physics: Similar results, although

plural. Posts: Ingenious device for making

long vac. seem short.

Professor: An ill wind and still blowing.

Porthole: A hole in the left side of a ship - or is it the right side?

Pyjamas: Garments newly-weds hang by the bed in case of fire.

Raisin: A worried grape. Refugee: Man whoblov?s the whis­

tle at a football match. Rhubarb: Bloodshot celery. Apply

Dramsoc. Senate: A Body, not quite dead,

constituted in the days before the needs of the IJni were understood, but which the au­thorities have forgotten to dis­band.

Sequence: Things that fall off dresses.

Squalor: One who squals. Stalk: What brought the little

rosebud into the world. Standing Committee: A body that

keeps minutes but wastes hours. Swot: Applies to undergrads and

flies. The results are similar. Tired bride: Can't stay awake for

a second. To get one's own back: Spit

up-wind, mate! Turkey: What separates the Sikhs

from the Croats. Vac: The reason for the Varsity. Varsity: The excuse for the Vac. V.D.:Vapour Density. Venus: A good ship. Viper: Tail of Abdul's shirt. Vicc-Chancellor: Man who disc­

overs rampaging revolutionary minorities and gives them free publicity.

Wake: What your friends attend if you're careless in your boat.

Wench: Loosens many a tight nut. Zel: Recently discovered element

of doubtful stability. 31

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30

^{ la tko (Slos^Siarp Adultery: Triangle consisting of

one bed and two fools. Ahead: Nautical term for 'ajohn'. Agriculture; Faculty devoted to

the sowing of oats — wild and otherwise.

Ark: The 'erald Angels sing. B.A.: Before .Adam. Bachelor: No children to speak of. Ball: Necessary for social success. Barmaid: Keeps the mugs full. B.E.: Before Eve. B.Sc: Brisbane and South Coast. Bullock: Cut out to be a bachelor. Bunk; Phony sea story. Burst: Past participle of bust. Censor: One who knows more

than he thinks other people should.

Conservative Party: Pressure group of British jam manufacturers.

Cursive: Foul-mouthed. Comet: Star with a tail, e.g.,

Mickey Mouse. Co-ed: Concise Oxford English

Dictionary. Coming-out Dress: Very low in

front. Dance: Communal sexcrcise. Dentistry: Hand-to-mouth existen­

ce. Doctor: This term has nothing to

do with medicos, who use it by courtesy.

Eddy: Nelson's last name. Eve: Side issue. Examiner: What every young man

should do. Ex-Officio: Unemployed. Family tree: Very often shady.

Fashion; What a her does lo a hem to get at him.

Fugue: What you get in a room full of people if you close all the doors and windows.

Gallup Poll: Yearly survey to det­ermine the winner of the Mel­bourne Cup.

Gentleman: Wolf with patience. Government: Of the people, by

the Executive, and for the Party.

Grass widow; Wife of a dead vegitarian.

Hieroglyphics: Course of black­board training for lecturers.

Hollywood: Where they put beaut­iful frames in pictures.

Hormone: A harlot's crying. Husband; Necessity of convention. Indisposition: HERE! Je t'adorc: Shut it yourself. Jury; A body of men to decide

who has the better barrister. Kiss & Make Up: She gets the

kiss; he gets the make-up.

Law: What students take up and Professors lay down.

Ladies: Word sometimes used to indicate 'No Entry'.

Lcchcrer: OK, so you pronounce it Lecturer.

Lecture: That which passes from the Professor's notebook to the student's notebook, without passing through the minds of either.

Lecturer: Paid to talk in someone else's sleep.

Put your money where your country's going. .

Overseas.

U S T R A U A

IRPEK O W N E D

JOKE: STANDARD ENGLISH

Husband, a little the worse for wear after a night out with the boys, climbed into hed and imm­ediately began making amorous advances to his wife.

'Darling, is that you?' asked, stirring in her sleep.

The husband pondered question.

'If it's not,' he replied, kill the bounder!'

she

the

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dO INVM

dOd SCIENTIFIC SECTION, Part 1.

'^tljyt^lpitatd

Many methods may be found in chemical literature for making chemicals such as Tetraethyl Lead, Ethyl Sulphate and Ethyl Palpitate. This is one chemical that is quite common but nevertheless methods of preparing it have not been widely described, and even experienced operators have difficulty in making it. We arc referring to ways of making Ethyl Palpi­tate.

One process is particularly effective and a description thereof will be given, but the operator should first observe the preliminaries set out below. To begin with, the time and place for making Ethyl Palpitate should be wisely selected. Evenings are the best times, because sunlight inhibits the reaction. Weekend evenings are best for two reasons. One is that the operator may have to stand by his task until the early

1961 Union Buildings opened. Union on view — fresherettes reign supreme. Scoop develops middle age spread.

1962 Record numbers at the Shop. Standing room only. Parking fines conferred at Degree Ceremony. Old style Commem. Pracs. resurrected. Licensing Squad caught loitering around Union Building. Scoop in Senility.

1963 Whacko banned. Wild procession and riots in Queen St. Odd pedestrian murdered - record number of students in clink. Truth bricked up.

1964 No riots (except at Hawken Drive) - slosh ball instead. Story Bridge "Made in Japan." I.D. cards uproar - students framed.

1965 Quiet year. Editor asleep. Scoop finally dies, after long illness.

1966 U.S. President discovers Australia. Union discovers Gardiner. Vietnam protests fashionable.

1967 Year of the Long March. Gardiner arrested. Triumphantly acquitted. Union goes Alf and decides to build theatre.

1968 Glean Whacko! Sales plummet. Commem. re-enters Queen Street. Students triumphant. Procession abysmal. No pranks. Still deciding to build theatre.

1969 Nudes back in Whacko! Sales soar. Tiny Tim for V-C Campaign aborts. Intellectual Commem. Semper. Sales plummet. Theatre gets off ground. Culture triumphant.

1970 Zelman takes over. Whackol goes underground. Theatre almost ready. Financial nightmares triumphant. Culture goes underground.

JOKE: AUSTRALIAN

Joe was a good bloke, see, an' one day after work he an' a few er his mates go down the pub and have a-couple of quick ones. One thing led to another, and Joe ends up at one of his mate's houses, passed out on the bloody floor.

Anyway, after a while he comes round and finds they've all gone

home, so he decides he'd best get back to the wife;

So he gets home and climbs inter bed, and he's all set to go ter sleep, when he suddenly wakes up to there's another bloke in the bloody bed - with his bloody wife!

'Hey mate,' he says. 'She's my wife an* I have to, but what's your excuse?'

29

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28

Constabulary required to divert traffic. A discreet silence main­tained by all concerned; in the words of a contemporary historian: "The way of the pioneer and social reformer is the road to martyrdom, and the gentlemen concerned do not desire to exchange a remunerative profession for that of cracking stones in H.M. Prisons."

1948 "Whacko" is back. Old Bull's Column discovered.

1949 Committee formed to investigate possibility of moving portion of University into bark huts west of Thargomindah. Commem. Prac. mistaken for a prayer meeting. Suggestions that "Whacko" be renamed "Digests of Digests of Digests of Digests."

1950 Freshers again disorientated. Commem. pracs. dull. Commem. not so dull — fowls and crackers fly in City Hall; radio stations invaded (we go "on the air").

1951 Undergrads and ceremony debarred mutual enlightenment. No gripping incidents in Popsies' football match. N.U.A.U.S. arranges Commonwealth Scholarships.

1952 University gone to the dogs; Crippling Censorship of Procession; Clashes with Constabulary; Temporary ban on Sunday Sport.

1953 Hampson and Conaty produce Whack-0. Government institutes Literature Board. Footsteps up the Tower.

1954 No Whacko! Government reigns supreme. 1955 Aunt Gert discovers Scotts Emulsion. Ann Miller impersonated.

Jolly Roger on City Hall. Greasers reign supreme. 1956 John Oxiey and Co. find water in Bar near City Hall.

Union going to St. Lucia. 1957 University Act Amendment Bill - to interfere with lecturers.

Students protest forcibly - Vince vanquished. Union reigns supreme. Union still going to St. Lucia.

1958 Heavily guarded U.S. Destroyer repainted by peace-loving Med. I. U.S.S.R. blamed, guard court-martialled, Mcds. triumphant. Union arrives at St. Lucia. Building to follow. Scoop Revue Company born in fravail.

1959 H.R.H. Princess Alexandra, LL.D (Q), U.Q.U. lays foundation stone in front of Union Building (out of Government by Murray Committee). Queensland pretends to leave national union. Scoop II emerges.

1960 Rumour that students will be admitted to new Union Building. Union President Nikita Q. Clark does chameleon act again, and Queensland pretends to rejoin N.U.A.U.S. President disowned by Council. Scoop has a third generation.

morning hours; the other is that palpitated Ethyl sometimes needs as long as a weekend to settle. Since there must be no foreign influences such as light sources, other operators, or agitation, a secluded place should be chosen.

The working material is usually the most important part, although experienced operators can handle almost anything. It has been said of chemicals in general that no reaction occurs between chemicals that are absolutely pure. In making Ethyl Palpitate, this fact is extremely important because pure Ethyl will not react. In fact, the more impure, the better the reaction.

After these precautions have been taken, the most common procedure is to dissolve Ethyl in alcohol, 90 proof, with pressure and agitation. To hasten the temperature rise, many operators resort to jungle voodooism by whispering magic phrases and weird nothings. So mysterious is the character of Ethyl that it often responds to such incantations in the most encouraging manner.

One of the most usual faults is to try to make Ethyl Palpitate too quickly. Too much heat without allowing time for a general warming may result in disastrous internal forces, which head the reaction in unpredictable directions. Others have made Ethyl Exclamate, or Ethyl Detonate, or Ethyl Vacate, or Ethyl Refrigerate, or even Ethyl Assassinate.

On the other hand, if the operator is too gentle he only makes Ethyl Oscillate, or he may simply end up with the unadulterated Ethyl with which he started.

JOKE: OLDE ENGLISSHE

Ye Hufbande, fuffering forely from ye vapourf of ye ftrong ale confumed in ye companie of div-erfe merrie companionf, clamb­ered tardily into ye marital couch and fraightway did begin to woo

fuftily hifgood wife. 'Beloved, be that thee thyself?'

quoth flic. Ye Hufbande pondered this

long time and deep. 'If it be not,'replied he, 'Verily

tvill I kill the knave!'

u •?fo/ ;po„

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'Dean^ ^ottu, The column in'which our regular bleeding heart, Dotty Duck, gives useless advice to the love lorn, love sick, and other hopeless nitwits who can't run their own lives without someone telling them how.

Dear Dotty,

What am I to do? All the girls in my office laugh and pojnt at me becau.se 1 have a 54-inch bust. — G.C. Dear G.C,

Take no notice of them. Mind you, I must say it (s rather unusual in a boy your age.

Dear Dotty, 1 am married to a musician and

I'm getting worried about the hours he's keeping and the various excuses he gives me. Last night he said he was up at the National fingering a very unusual piece, and the night before that he said he was held up working on a difficult passage. On Saturday 1 think he said he had to keep his hand in with Delilah. What do you advise mc to do? - High C. Dear High C,

I suggest you have a look at his instrument next time he comes home late. If it's still warm you'll know he's been playing, but if it's cold you'H probably have it out with him.

Dear Dotty, 1 have been going out with a boy

for six months and last night he asked mc to go to bed with him. 1 refused him point blank! Do you think I have done the wrong thing? —Jane.

Dear Jane, No. You've done the right thing by

refusing to do the wrong thing. When he said, "What about doing the right thing?" he really menat "What about doing the wrong thing?". Had you done the right thing by him it would have been the wrong thing by you which isn't right although he thinks it isn't %vTong. Let him go out and find a couple of the wrong type of girls who are,-prepared to do the right thing, even if it's ivrong. Eventually he'll discover that two rights don't make a wrong and that two wrongs don't make a right except in those rare cases where it's right to be WTong. I hope that my explanation makes everything clear to you.

How to understand balance sheets. For complete and lucid explanation, send SI.00 postal order to Chapman-Russell Enterprises, C/- University of Queensland Union, St. Lucia, 4067. Quantity guaranteed.

Pigeons remain in City Hall for a week. Potato on Professor's exhaust pipe. This, with other things, and

1940 WAR, led to students being banned from Commem. Degrees thrown about behind locked doors. Students demon­strate. Keyholes stuffed. No batons used. Going to St. Lucia in 1945.

1941 Commem. still secret. Students demonstrated again. Mrs. Black exhausted by the war effort. First University Act Amendment Bill. Government majority on Senate. Students protest gently.

1942 Black-out. Almost certainly due to acute alcoholism. First woman in Engineering. Trenches dug. Professor mistakes air raid alarm for practice warning. No burlesque.

1943 St. Lucia abandoned for the duration. Railway Institute honoured. Burlesque back again. St. Lucia one of Blarney's Houses. The Brisbane Line success­fully employed throughout South-Pacific Theatre.

1944 Burlesque finally dies. 1945 We return to Commem.

Freshers' welcome biggest ever. 1946 Few Freshers survive welcome.

Swoose discovers Benzedrine. 1947 Freshers orientated. We are getting more and more graduates, by

degrees. Victoria Bridge closed to motor traffic by public-spirited Engineering gentlemen, after claim that Bridge was unsafe. Aid of

JOKE: PROFESSORIAL

Professor Johannes Feedback, head of the department of extra­marital calculus, arrived back at his place of residence rather later than he had intended and some-tvhat influenced, both mentally and physically, by his unaccust­omed intake of alcohol (0.005 mg. per litre of blood).

As he climbed inlo bed, 50% of which was allotted for his own personal use, his wife (license number 586/AD-475825976 Z) stirred in her sleep. (It was Level One sleep, leaving her conscious

mind still in control of the sub­conscious, unconscious and psyche.)

'Is that you?' she asked. (Ad­mittedly a rather imprecise ques­tion, based on insufficient data, but excusable under the circum­stances.)

The professor hesitated, swit­ched on the bedsiiic lamp and made a few basic calculations on the left leg of his pyjama trousers.

'It rather depends, my dear,' he replied, 'upon whom you were expecting al 1.45 on the morning of Friday the 24th of April.'

27

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26

1916 Engineers'Chorus written. Biology Department begins to stink.

1917 So do the Engineers. 1918 First motor car at University dance. The use of the buggy was

discontinued in favour of the more secluded nature of the car. Girls were the parking problem.

1919 University library declared a sanctuary for native birds, animals, trees, fauna. No shooting in library.

1920 Kangaroo dog in Physics Lecture. First trip to the Dead Heart by Doc. Whitehousc and his Roving Rockbottoms, Two new Geology specimens. Most successful trip. About this time the Physics apparatus began to get old.

1921 University Store started. 5 o'clock to opening time on Saturdays. First self-service store in Australia.

1922 Camping bodies discovered. Opossum in the library.

1923 April; Men's Common Room furnished. May: Men' Common Room refurnished. June; Refurnished again. .\ttempts then abandoned.

1924 Bellcvue discovered. The law smoko was launched. 1925 Bellcvue - Beloved! 1927 We begin to make Plowmen. 1928 This is the year that the Dental procession float was not censored.

Still going to St. Lucia. 1929 Depression hits University.

Geology Departmet.t on the rocks. Student fined for wiighing pros and cons on a beam balance.

1930 Commem. Ceremony only slightly disrupted by students. 1931 Commem. further disrupted. 1932 Dental Students allowed in Men's Common Room.

Room became more common. Biology moves to Albert Street.

1933 Anatomy School moves to Alice Street. 1934 Engineers follow. 1935 8th March. Freshers welcomed. All clicked for Commem. 1936 Two dogs in Physics Lecture.

Professor retired 5 minutes instead of usual 2'/2. 1937 Work begun on St. Lucia.

Physics apparatus getting older. 1938 Procession still shocks public and one frcshcrctte.

Commem. still more unruly. 1939 "Whacko" not published this year. - Whack-ho!

Greasy pig era at Commem. Bad mullet, too.

Dear Dotty,

Every year, at the mid-year office party, my boss puts the hard word on me and asks mc to go with him to a motel for the night. I'm getting a bit sick of this same old nonsense, and as the party is coming up next month I wonder if you could give me some advice so I'll h,ive a good answer for him this year when he pops the question. — B.F.

Dear B.F. Why not surprise him this year by

saying "No"?

Dear Dotty,

1 was walking down Queen Street when I found, on the footpath, a neat parcel. 1 took it home and opened it up, and in it 1 found four and a half brassieres. Do you think 1 should keep them? - V.D.

Dear V.D. Dcfinately. In this case posession is

nine points of the law.

Dear Dotty,

My daughter had an accident on her way home from work and I'd like to know if she is entitled to compensation. - J J. Dear J.J.

No. However, she can claim main­tenance from the father just as soon as the child is born.

Dear Dotty,

About three months ago I went a bit crazy and was going out with no less than 29 girls. Now, to my horror, 1 find that 28 of the girls arc pregnant. What should i do? —J. Strapp. Dear Jock,

Try to get a date with the one who isn't pregnant. She's the only one with any clues.

Dear Dotty,

1 am a police officer, aged 27, of no fixed abode, and on the muniing of March 28 last, whilst travelling in an easterly direction from the bedroom to the bathroom, I observed what app­eared to be an article of male apparel, later identified as red jockettes, secreted in the pocket of a dressing gown which at that time was being worn by its apparent owner, to wit, my wife. I made on-the-spot enquiries, whereupon the defendant swore that the said article was the property of person or persons unknown. She denied that the owner of the garments had been on the prem­ises during my absence for illegal or immoral purposes. Do you consider that the evidence on hand warrants a full-scale enquiry? - K.B.

Dear K.B., I think the article of clothing should

be referred to as exhibit A, and your wife referred to as a lying B.

Dear Dotty,

Can you suggest a good place for my future husband and mc to go for our honeymoon? — S.B. Dear S.B.,

Bed.

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SCIENTIFIC SECTION, Part 2.

In which "Whacko!" examines a problem that must affect every young man at some time or another, mainly

How To Make Points

8

It is desireabic to master this apparently simple operation before attempting anything further, as it not only gives you familiarity in handling hot tubes, but ability to draw good, well-shaped points will also be of great assistance in subsequent manipulations.

METHOD OF PROCEDURE For your first attempt a tube

about 15mm diameter and 18in. long will be most convenient. With a glass marking or grease pencil make a short mark about 3 " from one end of your tube and another mark 3" from the first. Adjust your heat source so that it is a little bigger in diameter than the tube you are working on; this is a useful approximate rule when drawing points. Hold your tube at the right hand .end between the tips of the thumb and first three fingers, the tube resting on the three small fingers; with the left hand over the tube, grip by thumb and first finger. The position of the hands and fingers is important. THE ROTATING MOVEMENT

Having satisfied yourself that you arc holding your tube correctly, set in front of the blowfpipe and, resting your left elbow on the bench hold your tube just beyond the flame, with the left hand end lower than the right. Settle yourself comfortably and, rotating your tube, bring it slowly into the heat,

YQ, Compleat Hi/tory of ye Plaje of Learning

1870 Act passed by. Parliament. (Twenty-four hours after they had swallowed it). "Necessary to find a home for striking and stood-down Pro­fessors." Fell through and Professros on strike-pay until

1874 Compulsory Conference. Many people nonplussed, 1876 March from Trades Hall. Many people concussed. 1890 Cabinet split. 1891 Stuck together again. 1893 The Big Flood. Three Professors washed up in Gardens. 1897 University Bill drafted in, 1899 University Bill drafted out. 1900 Amended Bill taken up. 1901 Amended Bill (and punters at the Creek) taken down. 1902 Site chosen at Victoria Park, near the 4th bunker on the 9th

fairway. Too far from 19th. 1910 Gold dust planked down. First Senate April 15th. 1911 First Freshers'Welcome.

Both enjoyed themselves. 1912 First Geology specimen found. Later lost, and rediscovered in

Professor's overcoat pocket. 20th April. First H2S in Chemistry Department. Still going strong. First dog in Physics Lecture. This marks the inauguration of an annual ceremony.

1913 First degree ceremony. Another dog in Physics Lecture.

1914 Foundation of Women's College. University going to St. Lucia.

1915 Third Degree Ceremony. Twenty-five third degrees administered.

JOKE: MUSIC HALL

There was this feller, Albert, yer see. Albert goes home late one night with a skinfull, gets inter bed and starts a bit of slap-and-ticklc. Well, yer know 'ow it is when yer've 'ad a few. {You know, missis, don't yer?)

Anyway, it wakes 'is wife up. (It does, luv, dun't it?)

'Is that you, our Albert?' she sez, sharpish like.

'If it's not,' sez Albert, 'Ah'm 'aving 'ell of a good time wi' somebody else's wife!'

25

As I read THE STARS By MERRY ULCER

EXPONENT OF SUPERIOR CRAPULENCE

'M TAURUS: April 21-May 20 A splendid time to begin new projects. Try to be in earnest (unfortunately Ernest may not be that way inclined and may just thump you one). Try restoring an old organ but don't let it become a sore point with you. Knit yourself a new toilet seat. Better still, work up an act. Avoid quarrels, particularly with ottier people. If you go for any long walks, be sure to go on foot and don't speak to anyone you don't know, especially if they're strangers.

} ^ LEO: July 23-August 22

Sftj GEMINI: May 21-June 21 The trouble with you is that you let men get you down. With you It's bust-up after bust-up. It's time you got on top for a change. Assert yourself and crack down. Your future lies ahead of you. You will find that everything forthcoming is hereafter and tomorrow's happenings will be placed sometime after today. As you grow older so your age will increase and you will be much nearer than you were before you started. Despite your shortcomings you will be better off in the tong run, especially after. So keep up the good work; it's a credit to you.

^ CANCER: June 22July 22 Your cornflakes lie quietly and stare at you in the morning. Sidle away sideways as if nothing is wrong, then leap suddenly in the air, land with both feat in the plate and trample on them before they have a chance to laugh. It's your only hope. A good time to move out of that weatherboard house before it's too late. Even the whiteants are drawing social services. And if the borers stop holding hands your floors will go. It's the only house In Australia where the rooms are divided by paint.

NEW RECIPES The Congo Cook Book by Nbongo Mbones.

Publishers: Happy Headhunters Press, Luluville, Congo Republic.

i

1 j - . ? : ^

1

•.-.;,"«-gl-'--

BOY STEW Ingredients: Three small boys, two cups water, tlirec spoons salt, four onions, bottle Whisky.

Method: Top and tail the boys being sure to remove the shoes and socks. Place in a deep pan with a cover after adding VA bottle whisky. Allow to stand overnight. After 12 hours add three spoons salt and place in moderate oven for an hour and a half. Slice onions and add (a small amount of garlic can he used instead if preferred). Keep in oven about 350 degrees for further hour, then add water. Allow to simmer for further hour, remove and drink rem­aining whisky. Serves six.

FROZEN EAR DELIGHT Ingredients; One pound assort­ed cars. Tin condensed milk. Two cups sugar. One egg-Method: Grale ears nneiy and stir in condensed milk, adding sugar gradually. Whip egg and pour over. Place in freezing tray of refrigerator. Spread sugar evenly on top. Allow to freeze unttt hard. This dish can- then be garnished with chilled nostrils. Serves eight.

TOE JAM Ingredients: Two pounds care­fully selected toes. It is imp­ortant to use no hammer toes in this dish, as they can spoil the flnal results. Pound and a half sugar. Six pints water. Angelica to taste. Method: Wash toes carefully and strain in muslin cloth, tightly bound at top. Bring water to boil and place toes in muslin in boiling water. Add sugar after 20 minutes on the boil and allow to simmer over low Hame for four hours. Add angelica in final half-hour. Serves you right.

ARMPIT FRICASSE Ingredients: Six well-seasoned armpits. Three cups flour. Two tablespoons salt. Two pints water. Dash herbs. Nob of butter. Method: Slice armpits into quarters and place in pan, adding butter. Brown over slow gas for ten minutes and add herbs. Allow to brown for further ten minutes and stir in water slowly, adding salt. Allow to simmer gently for three hours, adding flour gradually in last half hour of cooking. Garnish with toenails and serve. Serves four.

You don't have any stars this month.. . We alt went on strike for danger money. After all, it's no fun hanging around up here being bombarded with Russian and American rockets. And who do you think pays the electricity bill for turning that light on and off all the time? Certainly not you bunch of Earth-bound peasants. Every month we tell you your stars but you never think of telling us our earths. A pox on the lot of you.

- ^ VIRGO: August 23-Scptember 23 Your boyfriend will take you and your mother to watch the stars tonight. You and your Ma will wear mini-skirts and as you go up the stairs he will see Uranus the will also see Mar's), May is your bad month. Last year your boyfriend took you to the pyjama party but the flies nearly ate you alive. And what about the time you went to a fancy dress ball dressed as a blank cheque and all the boys tried to fill you in.

^ LfBRA: Se)»tember 24^tober 23 Male students have difficulty in concentrating in co-ed classes. Remember when the lecturer said, "Hands up all the girls wearing mini-skirts" and you did just that and they threw you out. And don't forget the time the lecturer caught you doodling and asked you both to leave the room.

-<> SCORPIO: October 24'Novefnber 22 There will bo friction tonight between you and your girlfriend and it's a pity because you know how she hates the smell of burning rubber. You tend to act without thinking. You have been known to enter the ladies' toilet by mistake so, in future, look before you leak. Monday is interesting but there is a minor setback early in the day when your left foot is blown off by an exploding bagpipe. A successful day flat-hunting on Saturday when you shoot three and badly injure a fourth. Your best colour is pea-green and you should see a doctor about it.

Lucky number is seventeen and over. Favourite colour is puce with burnt orange stripes. .^^__„™

^ CAPRICORN: December 22-Joiiuory 20 Romance picture very bright during the next month with four direct successes, seven promises, three knockbacks, and one professional. A romantic interest develops when a wealthy businesswoman offers to show you over her bodyworks. You will be amazed at tbe size of her production unit. You'll take a part-time job in a candle factory and although you'll wax enthusiastic at first It won't be long before you give a wick's notice.

WSAGinARIUS: November 23-Deceinber 21 I shot an arrow in the air, It fell to earth on bodies bare. They say true lovers can't he parted, Especially when they're double-darted.

>/f^ AQOARHK: Januory 21'Febniaiy 19 Friday is ideal for gassing annoying cocker spaniels, but un­favourable for buying battleships, multi-storey buildings and strapless bras. Don't invest in any of those get-rich-quick schemes, such as government bonds, SEA loans, banks etc. Thursday afternoon is excellent for throwing rocks through consulate windows and Friday euening offers unexpected romance when the girl from the fish shop asks you to remove her leatherjacket and fillet. Remember, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have married and spent the rest of your days with a brash, brooding broody, bad-tempered, bumble-brained broad."

^ PaCES: Februory 2aMaith 20 A Piscean met a Virgo sheila. Told her how he loved to feel her Presence near him in the night, So he proposed and she said, "Right". He liked her chassis white and new; She said, "it's all been kept for you." But on their wedding night he found That her speedo had been thrice around.

^ ARIES: March 21-April 20 If you are pursuing a life of crime this happens to be an excellent cycle in which to duff cattle, knock off rare birds, lift skirts and jumpers. It's not a good time for robbin' redbreasts as someone may put the finger on you and you will be caught red-handed, Mid-May finds you on sunny northern Iseaches where you will have a wonderful time teaching your girlfriend how to ride on your surfboard (until the beach inspector sees you and makes you both get into the water).

Tiffi WoMBN's WEAKLY —April 27—May I, 1970

when there's too much to see to stop

to eat - enjoy this meal

on the move

There's a little meal in a carton of Pauls Yogfruit — the most delicious Yoghurt ever ma(de. An exclusive Swiss formula with REAL fruit. Tempting, good time taste.

KooSixib DSt DODular^^flavniir*;

In the four most popular^^flavours Page 19

origin were threatened with bodily harm and property destruction by their fellow cilj/cns. when "German sausage" became known as "Devon sausage". The fall in enlistmcnis during July was perhaps due to Ihe adverse fortunes cvpericnced by the Allies. In July, for example, there was the Somme disaster when, during a period of seven weeks, there was a total of 28,000 Australian killed or wounded.

To combat the reluctance to volunteer Hughes suutiht to introduce conscription. As there was a large majority in the Senate hostile to the pro­posal who would have rejected a conscription bill, lie opted for the dcmocnicy of a referendum. To ensure things would go his way he denied the vote lo those males between 21 and 31 who had not regislered lor compulsory home service in the Army. However, on the eve of Ihe referendum he dropped this regulation. When Ihe votes were returned il was found that the anii-conscriplion forces had triumphed. Whilst Ihc A,1.1-', voted in support of conscription this was only by a maj­ority of 1.1.0(10.

During late 1916. through 1917, enlistments continued to drop. Gtcat losses were being exper­ienced by the A.i.l-. In November. 1917, Hughes set about holding another referendum, this time lo conscript single men between 20 and 44, The pro and anti forces massed once mure and a bitter struggle ensued. To secure a vole in favour of conscription Hughes allowed a system of censor­ship to function against the Press; there were military and police raids on anti-conscription centres where literature was seized and destroyed; there were charges of sedition and disloyalty. The pro-conscription forces told their fellow Australians

This seems lo be the assumption ot the Department, a false belief since, as Ihe historian Arnold Toynbcc has observed. "All virtues exhib­ited in war have also an unlimited scope in other forms of human encounter and intercourse, while, on Ihc other hand, the exhibition of these virtues by soldiers has unhappily often proved to be compatible with a simultaneous exhibition ol cruelly, rapacity, and a host of further vices.

In forcing upon children the Anzac inylh, the educational authorities arc merely reinlorcing harmful attitudes and false views of hie perver­sions, if you like that kids are bombarded with every day. As my colleague Hob NicId has commen­ted. 'The kids can watch 'Hogan's Heroes' and learn what fun it was to be in a concentration camp, Ihey can watch 'Mcllale'sNavy'and marvel al the incredible stupidity of the Japanese, They can walch John Wayne shoot hell oul ol the Germans, Japs and Vietcong and learn how the Americans have made the world safe lor democracy and American investment. The kids can even blast hell out of each oilier by buying the latest war toys. Except Ihal when they ate shot, all they have lo do is 'couni 20' and they are alive again,.. Perhaps the next commercial gimmick will be that the kids can buy real blood lo smear over each other when they get shot up."

In itself the Anzac myth is an unique phen-onemon. Its popularity leads one lo suspect Ihal it fulfils some deep needs in the community. Indicative of this is the archileclurc and symbolism of the major Australian war memorials. Professor K.S. Inplis has pointed out that whilst Christian symbolism is seldom admitted to. there are Christ­ian overtones, as in the Australian War Memoriars

The Great Australian Myth

Fach year thousands of people march through Ihc streets of Australia to perpetuate the obscenity of Anzac. ,

Men and women who had fought in two world wars and on the battlefields of Asia help to preserve a mylh and a public holiday that origin­ated in a political and military blunder at Gallipoli (an undertaking which historians agree was doomed from the start), that celebrates the alleged charac­teristics of the Australian soldier independence of thought and action, contempt of and disrespect for authorities, and coolness in the face of danger - as discerned by C.E.W. Bean, Ihe Common­wealth's official correspondent at Ihe time and later Official War Historian.

Last year, however, the young men who exhib­ited these qualities were not .soldiers; they were not in uniform. Displaying Ihe same anti-authorit-aiianism Bean witnessed in the Anzacs, young protestors set out to disrupt Ihe celebrations in Sydney, Pcrlh. Hrisbane and Newcastle. These protests were "quickly quelled", as one newspaper put il. and one demonstrator was arrested. For flic Anzac tradition, Ihe myth, Ihe public holiday, have nothing lo do with peace, love or civilians.

In 1970 il is the Army itself that has a policy "to encourage younger men to join the traditional Anzac Day remembrances". For Anzac is all aboul war and killing, a celebration of the anti-life forces, a black mass conducted on the graves of the 60,609 Australians listed as dead and missing at Ihe termination of the Great War. And each lime we have another war wc add thousands mure all part of Ihe glorious Anzac tradilion.

How did Ihey die in 1915? To those who read of the war in Ihe safety of their homes, lo Ihc children destined to die in later wars, the "stories of the Diggers' prowcs.s, and of their battles against Ihe Turks and Ihe Germans came lo our ears like some romance of other centuries. We revelled in Iheir doings much as wc did in the gripping yarns of those princely detectives. Sher­lock Holmes and Sexton Blake. Bayonets and bombs and sluapncl and trenches; barbed wire, night raids, shrieking shells; wild charges, sniping, dugouts, balloons, aeroplanes, tanks, spies - all was. to us, a marvellous world of make-believe,"

That is how one person saw it. The Anzacs did not die painfully or slowly. They were never maimed or doomed to vegetate in nursing homes for years until death brought relief. Anzacs died like heroes, quickly, joyfully, with Oighls of angels carrying them lo a warrior's rcst.ln the twen­

tieth century they were reincarnations of Greek mythology. 'Their beauty." wrote novelist Compton Mackenzie, "was heroic" and "should have been celebrated in hexameters, not headlines." The Anzacs stepped out of Ihe pages of Homer and Virgil. "There was not one of these glorious young men . . . who might not himself have been Ajax or Diomed, Hector or Achilles."

A wonderful unreal world: Sexton Blake, Sherlock Holmes, Ajax and Achilles, The exper­ience of death is unimportant to the legend makers, to the politicians who send men lo their deaths, to the military minds who plan wars, to the financial interests that lust on the carrion. And <seldom do people bother lo ask why so many men died on foreign .shores. Patriotism is no answer -- not when history shows that between 1916-17 the Aust­ralian Government tried to introduce conscription in order to compel men to go to war.

When Australia entered Wodd War 1 there was a flood of volunteers; by the end of 1914 some 50,000 had enlisted. As one historian put it. this "enthusiasm reflected the naivete of a community which had ncvre known Ihe ravages of war and which possessed no martial tradition". The promise of adventure meant relief from the "long years of financial depression and humdrum existence". However, initial enthusiasm ceased when the realities of war hit hime. The Dardanelles cam­paign made many citizens think twice. In October, 1915, only 9.914 men volunteered for the A.I.I". This represented a drop of some 26,000 on Ihe July enlistment for that year.

In November, Prime Minister Hughes announced that he would send another 50.000 men to war and maintain a monthly quota of 9,500 flowing inlo the ranks. Earlier that year the Government conducted a census which revealed that there were 600.000 fit Australian males between the ages of IR and 44. I'ollowing the announcement of troop increases each male between 18 and 60 received an intimidalory coercive questionnaire from the Government asking: 1. Arc you prepared lo enlist now? If your answer

is yes, you will be given a fortnight's notice before being called up.

2. Are you prepared to enlist at a later date? If so, name the dale.

3. If you are not prepared to enlist, state the reasons why. Accordingly, enlistments rose. In January,

1916, some 22,101 came forward; February 18,508: March 15.597. However, in July Ihe tally dropped to 6,170. The period of high enlistment corresponds with a period of war hysteria during which females presented white feathers to non-uniformed males, when Australians of Germanic

Photograph by John Olsen. Picture courtesy Lll-K Magazine (Copyright 1969),

how "the Germans arc a foul brood. They kill babies", and how if Jesus Christ were alive he would joyfully enlist in the A.I.I-. A majority again voted against conscription and enlistments continued lo fat).

Thus the facts show what Anzac is all about. The naive manhood of a young nation enlisted in a war, seeking adventure, nut found only death, pain and privation. When the realities of war hit home, potential expendables refused lo enlist in the ranks and Ihe Government tried introducing conscription to keep the flow of cannon fodder to Ihc front line. To help the nation decide it also wanted Conscription the Government resorted to measures like Press censorship and the use of military forces in suspending normal democratic proccs.ses, This was backed by a vicious war hysteria which even forced a harmless sausage to change its name. Although these measures failed in Iheir purpose, they helped set the lone of the Australian way of life, paving the way for the sort of tactics we have since learned to expect from people like Menzies, Holt and Gorton. All this is pari of Ihe obscenity of Anzac.

A falsification of history, as is implicit within the Anzac myth, is harmless until it is disseminated throughout the community. Such has happened in Australia where the "significance of Anzac Day" is propounded by numerous interest groups, for example, the R.S.L. and the Army - organisations that have great power and influence within Ihe community

An insidious specific example of this is seen In tlK way the New South Wales Dcparlmcnt of l-ducation pollutes Ihc youthful minds with which it is enlrustcd. On March I. 1969, every State schoolteacher in N.S.W. received instruclions via The Education Gazette on how to commemorate Anzac Day. They were instructed to convey to children the .significance of Anzac Day as form-Mlalcd by the Department. This entailed visits lo war memorials; speech, essay and art competitions conducted by sub-branccs of Ihe R.S.L., and a host of other activities. The ideals of service and sacrifice wen; to be stressed as being "essential to good citizenship". Maybe these arc ideals lo be recommended, but not when it is implied Ihal they only come into being in relationship lo war and military service.

Hall of Memory. However, beyond this there are non-Christian elements; Inglis cites here Ihe shrine in Melbourne dedicated to "the glory of service and sacrifice". The inscription on the west wall proclaims that the shrine stands on "holy ground", and a little further on the ancient symbol of "earth" is invoked. This mystical phraseology and 'paraphcnalia surrounding Anzac has led Allan Ashbolt to slate that it constitutes "an almost pcrlecl restatement of man's ancient and long-lasting faith in the goodness of blood sacrifice."

1 believe the whole tradition of Anzac is pagan-Sir James l-razcr in his classic study. The Golden Bough, notes how in primitive societies "warriors who have taken the life of a foe in battle. . , must undergo certain riles of purification before they are re-admitted lo society". Civilised man. how­ever, has done away with the primitive purification rites and in their place instituted organisations like the R.S.L. and Anzac Day. Here, people sharing common guilts can mass together and accept Iheir guilts as being normal. The extension of this is that not only are Ihe guilts accepted as normal, but the experiences from which they originated arc advocated as fitting for the rest of the community to undergo.

Thus, when a youth approaches manhood he is sent into Ihe Army, undergoes certain experiences, emerges and takes his place, as a MAN, in society. Instead of having some teeth knocked out, or his body latlooed, or his foreskin removed (as in primitive societies), he is given a rifle, taught to obey orders, and lo kill.

Revealing the face of Anzac that the publicists neglect is no hard task. Meedless lo say. il is one that meels with much hostility, lor the mylh is deeply ingrained in the lives of many Australians and protected by various interest groups bent on perpetuating it lor all time. Originating in Worid War I. il has snowballed to embrace all wars since, and even gone backwards in history lo the Uoer War and tlie Doxer Rebellion. In fact, wherever Australians have killed and died, there people see the Anzac tradition. And in the perpetuation of Ihe myth, in the passing of it from one generation lo another, il is nut the futility or horror of war that is emphasised but rather Ihe glurifieuliun of .sacrifice, the pagan blood sacrifice. This is the real obscenity of Anzac.

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In

It was only when I noticed that Johnny and Lulu were gone that a faint suspicion began (o dawn on me that there was some­thing odd going on. Johnny and Lulu had been with us a long time and, naturally, they were considered a part of the house­hold. Johnny lived in the old sewer and Lulu was permanently parked in the pipe leading to the grease trap. Whenever anyone went lo the toilet, Johnny broadcast the fact in his deep bass and the washing up was always heralded by Lulu's soprano. But let me explain. Johnny and Lulu were frogs and they got their names from the local pop scene.

The moths and the birds had also vanished from the back garden by the time 1 sat up and took notice.

Now, quite honestly, 1 would be about the most unobservant creature in the soutliern hemisphere, that is in all respects but one. Cars. Yes, I know all about cars, the life stories of the Porsche, Maserati, Jaguar, Ferrari, B.M.W., Lotus. Bentley and the other monsters of the road have no secrets from me. In fact when 1 get buried amongst my Sports Car books, I am oblivious to the rest of the worid and live a kind of car-nal existence.

But recently, even I have been noticing some strange happen­ings. Besides the moths and the frogs and the birds, our neighbours have been more than usually aloof, since my wife left for a tour of the north. Actually, I rather welcome this and play the radiogram loud at night and hope the sticky beaks are thinking that I am living it up wiOi orgies; a sort of modern Lucretia Borgia. And also the old bag from next door does not rush in to attach her unattractive anatomy to Ihc telephone, for which 1 am unduly thankful. But something is wrong.

And then there was the man in the 'bus. Most days 1 sit at the back, where I can enjoy a quiet .smoke.

He was sitting somewhere about the middle when he first got in, but after a couple of stops he seemed to sniff around, spotted me and came and sat next fo me. He was a large, bony fellow with a big, angular frame. He had deep furrows on his face, sunken eyes and thin, tight lips. But his most prominent feature was his Adam's apple. It was a beauty and when he swallowed it went up and down like a king-size yo-yo. I have always been partial to Adam's apples and in my humble opinion, a good specimen is a far greater attribute of manhood than an overdeveloped phallus.

He just sat and stared at me with a dry, acid smile, like Judas Iscariot. When I got off the 'bus, 1 was a bit disconcerted to find him walking beside me. He gave me a thump on the back and a hearty "How are you going mate?"

"Well, I was walking to the top of the road . . . " "No, no" he said, shaking his head. "Bloody foreigner, 1 see,

if you don't mind my saying so, but if you arc in the trade you can't be a bad bloke."

'Trade, what trade? 1 don't understand."

lOdt^^

BtC LEMONADE

BOV

th

Snatch By RON GRENIER

"Come off it matey, you've got the perfume and anyone else in the biz can spot you a mile off. For whom do you snatch?"

"Snatch? Pardon me but I don't quite understand." "The stiffs, I mean, for whom do you push them around?" 1 just stared at him in disbelief. Then I saw a look of real

compassion come into his eyes. He placed a protective arm around me and led me to a seat on the footpath.

"Look" he said, "I can see you arc on the hard stuff. No good mate, you should boil it a bit longer. It could ically hurt you. You seem to be losing your memory too soon and you're still a young feller."

"Hard stuff, boil it. I assure you I don't really know what you are talking about." I was perplexed by now. True, though what he had said about my memory, because 1 lived in a perpetual state of amnesia. But all tliis other jargon waS greek to me.

"It's the balmy, mate. It's no good neat." 'The balmy, what's that?" "The embalming fluid, of course; what else would you and 1

be magging about. You've got to boil it We put it in the kettle and when the whistle blows, it's ready. Takes all the vice out of it then without getting lit up. Which morgue are you at? Tell mc and I'll come down and show you. Todie's thursdce, how will next mondce suit yer?"

Now, I was getting a bit annoyed but I am an amiable bloke and I always believe that small ships should sail calmly in unknown and untranquUized waters.

I settle myself in a comfortable position and 1 say to him, "So, you are a mortician eh? Must be an interesting life, tell me how are you going!"

"Ah, that's better matey, you can talk like a real Aussie, at times though 1 can't understand some of those funny words you use. . But we know. It's the cultivation, mate, you just haven't got it, have you?

'The cultivation?" "Yes, the cultivation. The books, you know, and going to the

pub and talking Australian, reading about Australia in die paper and all the rest of it that goes to make a dinkie di Aussie."

1 had to confess to a certain amount of intellectual malnu­trition in this field, but by now I was quite relaxed and deter­mined to be friendly.

'Tell me about your morgue." "Okay, now this is fair dinkum and a real beaut. Happened a

few days back. Feller turned up about nine at night. Looked a Pom and,.all beat up. Shaking he was, so 1 gives him a bit of balmy to slow him down and I listen to his story. Seems he's a p'ostic, good family man; took his missus and the kids into the bush for a picnic. He had an old aunt, who was called Jessica. Took her along too to do the chores, you know, washing up and all tliat. Well, diey has a good time, a bit of fishing and after a good lunch they all flake out and has a kip. About fom he calls out to Auntie to boil the billy. Nothing happens, so he goes up to the old bird and gives het a shake up. Nothing doing, she's still asleep and when he looks hard at her, God Almighty, the old diing is dead. Well, Ihe wife and the kids start bawling and the feller is at his wits end what to do. There's not a house in sight for twenty miles. At last he has an idea. The wife and kids won't have Auntie inside the car, no succ, not in that condition. They all help and wrap her up in the tarp and puts her on the hood rack. There's no other place for her, see, she'll have to be folded up too much for the boot and she's already getting a bit tight in tlie leg for that. Anyway, she fits in nicety on top. They puts a strap over her and off they goes. By this time it's dark and when they reach the Gabba Police, the kids aic hungry. So the missus takes them to the sandwich bar, while the Pom goes to sec the coppers. The old crapbook is hauled out and they goes through the routine. Then the copper wants to sec Auntie before she goes to the Doc for a 'rigor mortis' check.

THE Wo.\tEN'S \VE,\KLV—April 27—iMay 1, 1970

But when they comes out on to the road, lo and behold the wagon's gone! Someone had nicked off with it. It was a icai calamity. The copper was a big, beefy bloke with a red face and after glaring around a bit, he looks at the Pom. The poor guy carries on like he's mad but the copper thinks he's plain stupid and is about to grab him and drag him to the watchhousc when the wife and kids arrive, They starts bawling again when they hears the news and the copper changes his mind and agrees the thing is no hoa.x. He takes them and cruises around a bit. Goes to the well known car specialists and then round the dumps to sec whether the perishing package is lying around anywhere and then drops them off at my place."

1 laughed till the tears ran down my checks. 1 took Chailie and shouted him a couple of beers.

"And in tlie end what happened to Aunt Jessica?" "Dunno" said Chariie, "It was what you might call a tcchnicil

hitch. The coppers did not know whether to put her on the list of missing persons or lost property. But tell me matey, where do you work?"

"At the University." Charlie seemed to shake his head in despair. "Rum lot over there, ch?" I merely nodded in acquiescence. "Say, have you got a good morgue in that place?" "Not yet, Chariie, but who knows one of these d a y s . . . " "O.K. then don't fail to let me know and I'll come and show

you how to organise the joint." "Before 1 go, Charlie, tell me what you meant by saying that

wc both had the 'perfume'." "Oh yes, the perfume. That's the smell matey. When you

handle tlie stiffs awhile, you can't help it. You get the perfume. It's in your hair, your clothes, fingernails and even in your fountain pen ink. No sir, it can never leave you."

From way back, in the dull gtiiiimcringsof my mind, a strange truth seemed to be emerging and 1 began to feel the first premonirions of an impending disaster.

A hurried farewell and I took a quick taxi home. But it was no good and she had already found it If ever

there is anything to be found, she finds i t That's the mother-in-law I mean. She's a hefty woman with a stern like two welf filled sails. In fact if ever they run short of any for the Sydney Opera house I know where they can get a couple of refills.

All the neighbours were gathered outside the gate and they were holding their noses. Even 1 found my hand gripping the olfactory organ. U was a powerful smell.

Usually, my mother-in-law and I get on well because there is a sort of unarmed moratorium between us. When 1 have logo to her place, she does not sec mc and when she comes home, I don't sec her.

But tonight she held all the aces. It was the package that Charlie had described and it must

have been Aunt Jessica, a bit worse for wear. The mother-in-law had a long stick in her hand and she was prodding some white, swollen things that were moving about with undulating efforts all over the place.

"Where.... " "On the couch in Ihc room under the house." " H o w . . . . " "How the devil would I know." "She's humming a bit " "Laddie, the understatement of die yoar. She's singing in

high C and even Dame Nellie Melba never reached that far. But what arc you going to do, you twit. Don't just stand there!"

I knew what I was going to do. In half a .shake I was out of the gate and away down the road shouting "Charlie". And 1 am willing to bet that in the first hundred yards I would have left tlic old Bcntlcy standing, twin overhead camshaft and all. %

Page 21

DICK HEADS

INTO ACTION

By BILL EGAN

My fiame is Richard. Vm a Dick. , Things had been very quiet at Headquarters - hardly a movement at the

Station. The only Case all night had been a little man with the dirty wife. He had stripped her naked and thrown her into a drum of Liquid Detergent.

He was terribly relieved to have made a clean breast of it - but to me it" was just dull routine. He hadn't even killed her.

I was seated at my desk, shaving myself with my new axe when the tele­phone jangled. I had a strange premonition. Someone was trying to contact me. I lifted the receiver and put it to my Aid.

^ Vibrating? Well, wouldn't you with 50cc of hot engine between your legs?

"Is that you, Richard?" It was the Chiefs voice. I stood to attention

and nodded. "Don't just nod, you Dummy, this is a

telephone!" he shouted. "Get over to my office right away; and bring Freddie-thc-Fence with you."

The Chief is known to us only as "P" - but whenever "P" calls you have to hurry.

Hurling myself oul of the Station and into my supercharged Ford Prefect, I sped to Spring Hill to pick up Frcddie-the-Fencc. Freddie was an ex-Con who was on parole for stealing a payroll, but he had proved invaluable to the Force as the best stool pigeon in the business.

I found him sitting on the front step of his boarding house with a broad Broad. He had obviously lost something . . . . his hands were searching diligently down the neck of her dress . . . . but whatever it was he'd lost, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Another five minutes found us both outside the plush office of "P", on the very top floor of one of Brisbane's towering two-storey buildings. I crept up behind "P's" secretary and gently stroked the long blonde hair.

"What's up, Fred?" I queried (all my friends say I'm a query.)

The young man gigled nervously.

"Oh, Richard, I'm so glad you arc here. He's m a terrible tizzy. You'd better go in straight away.

"P" was sitting behind his huge mahogany desk, looking British to the core - probably because he had apple cheeks. His face was clean shaven apart from his finely clipped accent and his shock of tousled grey hair hung on the hat-rack behind him.

Then I noticed that his right arm was in plaster, supported by a red white and blue sling.

"What happened Chief," I asked sympathetic­ally, "Fall?"

"P" blushed.

"Well, I'd had quite a few, Richard. But now to business. Do you know what this is?"

The small object he held in his outstretched hand glistened and sparkled under the Huorescent lighting, I gasped audibly.

"You don't mean ?" The Chief nodded grimly. "ExacUy!" I glanced quickly at Freddic-the-Fence and

noticed that he was turning pale. This was the first time 1 had ever seen a paling fence in a city office.

"But what about the Vice Squad?" I ejacu­lated.

The Chief shook his head. 'They're not available - they're all oul

watching the University Procession. And Richard," he expostulated, "I do wish you wouldn't ejaculate in my Office. You'll min the new carpet"

I drew myself up to my full height. "If this office" I said with dignity, "is good

enougli for you to expostulate in, then it's good enough for me to ejaculate in! Now, give us the facts."

In short .sharp sentences "P" outlined the Modus Operandi. Then he told us how to go about Ihe job.

It appeared that an Undcrworid Syndicate from Sydney was involved in this bonifying project, led t)y Mr Big himself. Even the Raffia was thought to be involved. Their headquarters were somewhere in the Sandgate area but little else was known of the gangsters except that they were posing as Opal Miners.

The Chief rose and shook our hands. "Remember," he warned, "You are on your

own. Goodbye.. . . and good luck." "Don't worry, "P", " I said cheerily, "We'll

drive up there straight away. The Chief pondered for a moment "No," he said, "An emergency like this

Poge 22

warrants emergency measures. Take the Black & White Bus."

Throughout the long journey to Sandgate, Freddic-the-Fence and I formulated our plans, breaking the journey only for a quick precaution­ary survey of the Homestead.

The final plan was brilliantly conceived but

essentially simple. If danger threatened, 1 was to feign a heart

attack, whilst Freddie was to run along the Corso shouting "Police! Help Police!"

It wasn't long before wc were standing on Sandgate's sea shore watching the huge white-topped waves smashing down on the sparkling brown mud. At first the beach seemed deserted but then I noticed someone standing in the shadow of a big boulder. He was obviously a* Miner - he was leaning against the rock with his pick in his hand.

"Let's question him," said Freddie nervously, "I had an unfortunate experience with a Homo " Sapiens when I was a child. Fancy them being legal in England!"

I approached the stranger with caution and began to question him - casually, but wiUi a skill born of years with the Taxation Department

"Are you a Miner?" "Ofcourse,I'monly20." 1 looked him up and down contemptuously. "H'm. You're a bit small aren't you?" "Yes. Achially I'm a Mini-Miner." "I see. What do you know about Minefields?" "Well, American submarines seem to get

through them without any trouble - particularly ifCary Grant is Captain,"

He seemed genuine enough, but I had to be sure. I moved forward until my face was only inches from his. I could even smell the Vegemite on his breath.

"Do you know what the Important Elements are?" 1 rapped out.

"Sure Gold, Silver, Uranium, Wind, Rain and HaiL"

I turned to Freddie-die-Fence. "This man is genuine," 1 told him. "He is

obviously just an honest Opal Miner."

'That," said Freddie, "is a contradiction in terms. Well, what do we do now?"

I pointed along the beach. "Let's have a look at those rocks over there..

just past tliat Fisherman looking for Yabbies." Togedier we slogged through the sucking

surface, surreptitiously searching for some subtle sign to assist in our sinister quest. We were only , about 12 yaids from the Fisherman when he suddenly raised his Yabbie Pump and fired,

A loud report was followed by a soft thud beside me, I turned in time to see Freddie-dic-Fence sinking slowly to the stinking sand, his bloodstained fingers clutching at the gory gaping hole in his chest

With a broken ciy I cradled his head in my arms.

"Speak to me, Freddie," 1 sobbed, "Speak to me!"

Freddie opened his eyes and tried to smile. Then widi his last dying breath, he said, "Don't you know the difference between a Yabbie Pump and a Bloody Bazooka?"

The moment he went limp 1 knew he was a stiff. With unaccustomed tenderness 1 closed Uiosc unseeing eyes and rifled the pockets - even retrieving tlie wristwatch I had lost 6 months previously - then, after plunging my fiick knife into his chest to ensure that he was deceased, 1 scooped a shallow hole in the sand and mud and quickly buried him.

This grisly task completed, I stood and looked about me. "Tlje beach was deserted. I moved to the spot where the Fisherman had been. Some­thing attracted my attention and I stooped to relieve the Folder of Matches that lay half buried at my feet. The words on the Folder leapt out at me: "Dine & Dance at Dirty Dick's Discotheque."

THE WOMEN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1,1970

DICK HEADS

INTO ACTION

Continued

This was the most important clue so far! Without a Folder of Matches bearing the name of a Night Club, half the crimes in America would never have been solved.

I found the Sleasy Night Club by using die old "ask-a-sleasy-taxi-drivcr" trick. I brashed past a gaggle of gorgeous girls giggling in the gutter and made my way down a dingy flight of stairs.

At the sound of muffled footsteps behind me, I flattened myself against the wall and held my breadi with botli hands. Then I recognised him. It was the Taxi Driver!"

"What are you doing here?" I hissed in his socket

"Oh," he replied airily, "I just wanted to brush past that gaggle of gorgeous giris giggling in the gutter."

As soon as he had gone 1 silently approached die dimly lit door at the end of the darkened passage. 1 could just discern the printed legend on the peeling paintwork. It said "Men" - what a relief!

Soon I noticed another door up a short flight of steps. This must be Dirty Dick's Door. 1 bounded up those three steps four at a time and knocked loudly. The door opened slowly. Then I saw her!

She was simply dressed in two milk bottle tops and a see-through G-string. 1 could see she had more curves than the Wilbur Smith Freeway.

I wasted no time.

"Who are you covering up for?" I demanded roughly.

Her breast heaved indignantly but I managed to duck in time.

Sultry eyes peered at me through long dark falsies - two headliglits flashing from behind massive fenders. From behind her came the soft sweet sigh of Disco music and I caught a momen­tary glimpse of a room lull of young dancers swaying sensuously to the stimulating syncopation of a saxophone solo.

"What do you want of me?" Her voice was like her shoulders - husky.

"Are you Dirty Dick?" She smiled alluringly and her vampiric voice

vibrated colluptuously. "No, I'm Dirty Dora, Dirty Dick's sister. I'm

the Bouncer here. You wanna see me bounce?" "Aha!" I smiled, standing on tippy toe to kiss

her on Uie neck, "There's sonieOiing I want to ask you."

Without a further word being spoken my arms encircled the soft warm body as she drew me onto the Dance Floor. I felt the blood coursing through my veins, pounding at my temples and draining from my face as she squeezed me closer and closer. Bathed as 1 was in this excess of sensual gratification, I did not realise that die music had stopped until the watching dancers began to .shout encouragement.

We stopped dancing but still stood like Sunday Traffic - bumper to bumper.

1 breathed heavily. She breathed heavily. We were like two locomotives with their minds

on the same track. The watching couples, sensing the fierce

emotional current running between us, slowly drifted out on i t

Finally . . . wonderfully . . . we were alone. She spoke at last, softiy, caressingly. "Let's go up to my flat for a cup of tea and a

roll. You look as thougli you could do with somediing substantial."

Then she looked at me in a way that I had never been looked at before. 1 felt about ten feet tall - All over.

Taking my trembling hand in hers, she led me up a winding stair and into a lavishly appointed apartment. The furniture was obviously expensive and antique. There was even an old pornograph in the corner.

"You have a nice flat here" 1 said, looking at her ample breasts.

"Yes, I share it with my giri friend. You watt here while I change into somediing more com­fortable. This G-string is killing mc."

She slid seductively to the door, then stopped short. I suddenly sensed that diere was something wrong here - very wrong.

TIIE WOMEN'S WEAKLY —April 27—May 1,1970

"What is it?" I asked her in a hushed voice. 'There's something wrong here - very wrong.

I suddenly senses i t"

I put my shoulder to die door and heaved. I have a very weak stomach.

"No, not that way," said Dirty Dora picking me up and placing me to one side, "This door doesn't push, it pulls like Ui " Her voice trailed away to a smothered scream.

Looking under her shoulder, I saw a young scantily-cJad blonde lying face downwards on the floor.

"What is that young scantily-clad blonde doing lying face downwards on the floor?" I asked.

'That's my room-mate Minnie. She's extinct" Dora whimpered.

"1 know she does," 1 said crossly, "But why is she on Uie floor?"

I made a quick but thorough examination. "She is," I announced, "What we call in the

detective business, a Coqjus Delectable." "Don't you mean Corpus Delicti?" 1 smiled sagaciously.

"Have a good look at her," I advised. 1 glanced around die room. It was in wild

disanay. There had been a stmggle. I saw the tears welling in Dirty Dora's eyes and put my arms around her comfortingly.

"Thai Minnie," she sobbed, "Wouldn't you think she'd have tidied up beforehand? She was the laziest thipg I ever knew. She's even got some robbish in her hand."

Once more I knelt over the young scantily-clad blonde, wishing thai Dora was Jiot in the room. I prised die small tighUy-clenched fingers apart and brashed the contents of her hand on to a sheet of white paper.

lliey were hairs. . . short hairs . . . she must have had somebody by the short hairs!

Then I heard a slight sound outside. I turned off the light and pulled Dirty Dora into the Chamber.

As furtive footsteps approached, I flung forward and flooded the flat with fluorescence.

It was the Chief! "Ob, hello Richard," he said in surprise,

"It seems that our trails Iiave met Have you made

any progress?" I looked al Dirty Dora and shook my head. "It won't be long now, "P". By the way, do

you sec tiiat scantily-clad blonde lying on the floor?"

I emphasised my words by prodding "P" on the chest

"Ouch!" he said, grimacing with pain. "Aha!" 1 cried, ripping open his shirt and

reveahng a bare white patch on an otherwise dense undergrowth. "I have found tiic murderer! The hair matches!"

"P" fell to his knees, grovelled al my feet and feverishly licked my boots.

"Oh, Richard, please don't give me away!" he implored, "I'll do anything! Anything!"

And that is how I became Inspector-in-Charge of the Brisbane Censorship Squad.

I come only after "P" in the organisation. My subordinates refer to me as "That "Q","

And as for tiic Crime Ring, the smell soon drove them away from Sandgate.

It must have been Freddie-the-Fence. %

who keeps an eye on ^

bachelor girls?

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Page 23

Daily Orientation

Big CUtB in •«'•*'''"„" air fares . ,1 .[I r 11" *

Orientation —'adjustment, position or aspect with regard to anything, determining of one's bearings in relation to circumstances/ Every day things are happening in the world that affect you. Events that could change your attitudes, modify your point of view, move you to action. EVery 24 hours THE AUSTRALIAN reports the global scene, bringing to you without bios, every significant news item. THE AUSTRALIAN brings you intelligent, balanced reporting. Its features, editorials, cartoons ore stimulating, entertaining, informative. Its journolists, correspondents and sub-editors are the most accomplished in the profession. THE AUSTRALIAN always respects your intelligence. Orientation is a daily business with the notional newspaper.

THE AUSTRALIAN Page 24 THBlWOMBlirs WBAKLV—April 27—May 1,1970

JUNKIES' CORNER Our expert, Mr, Steptoe, answers readers' enquiries about their junk.

/ am enclosing a sketch of a cracked shaving-cup which I own. It Is white on the inside with blue flowers on the outside. There is a small handle and the letters G.F. appear on the side. Can you give me any information about it? - Gerald Frost, Qld.

Almost certainly you have a cracked shaving-cup. The blue flowers on tiie outside are for decoration while the white inside is probably the natural colour of the porcelain. The handle would make carrying the cup easier. Although the letters G.F. may have no obscene connotations I would suggest as you \m in Queensland that you take no chances with the police and do not use your cup in public.

My great-grandfather left me a small glass block (snapshot enclosed) some years ago. Could you please identify it? -R.S. Hill, N.S.W. ^^

Glass blocks such as yours became very popular at the end of the nineteenth century as paperweights. They were cither square, round or oval and were veiy good for holding down papers on

"desks. With the rise of bureaucracy this century their popularity increased and are still being used by office workers in most parts of the country. Incidentally a cute nude from "Man" pasted on the back of a glass papcrweiglit does marvels for a dull old office desk.

/ would be grateful if you would let me'have any information about a drinking glass that I have. Inside is a statuette of a woman with no clothes on. When the glass is filled she appears fully clothed but as the level drops, so does her gear. - W.Jones, Tasmania.

Your drinking glass is one of 5 million that were made in Hong Kong in 1968. Only about a dozen have been successfully smuggled into Australia. A Customs officer is on his way to your address now.

MONEY-SAVING HANDY HINTS Continued From Page 6

They need special treatment. (Mind you, any­one who manages to get himself aliead of a bank is a very smooth operator indeed, and probably doesn't need any advice I can hand out.)

And this special treatemnt, as with a few other hardened institutions, calls for the post-graduate summons dodging course - direct attack.

When you ve dodged all the usual ploys and you feel the heat is about to go on (beautiful

General pointers: When dining out make sure you've got all Uie enti'ances located and a fast line of escape planned.

Many have been delivered to the debtor's prison through not taking such simple precautions.

If the server is at all worth his salt he'll keep himself between his victim and the exit This can be overcome by a little forethought.

Never answer to your name. This is disastrous strangers in a bar, gimlet-eyed bus drivers) ring up unless amongst close and trusted friends, the bank manager and tell him you've been out of town and was there something about an overdraft (or debt, in the case of some other institution)?

The bank manager will choke and say yes, and you say well, you must pop over, and the bank manager will become very friendly and hang up with te!irs in his eyes.

This slows them down for two months at least, in between the heat coming off and going back on again.

Then repeat the performance, doing a lot of talking and explaining about your cancer operation etc. This will hold good for another month.

Next, send tiiem SI. Some veterans consider this very poor sport, almost conceding a point to the enemy, but it is highly effective.

This will throw their accounts system into such a whirl that you'll end up with another two months before they get sU-aightened out, and another one before the heat is back on full.

Next, send them a letter explaining how you've been trying to pay it off at $1 a week, but times are so exceptionally crook, you can't seem to make ends meet.

However, you are trying to honour your oblig­ations, please find enclosed 50 cents.

Put a false address at the top of the letter and rest for another three to four months.

By this time, you'll have them worried. There's nothing a professional bloodsucker hates more than a stone.

You then confound the enemy by lobbing at his front door to plead your case. (Invariably the summons will be in the possession of a lawyer or a server. But if you're dead stiff and they have it there, run!) , They'll get very stern and lecturing, but they'll

really be rattled. By then, the enemy will be starting to weaken. Summons servers don't get that much for their

dirty work, and even the most dedicated is going to be sick of trailing you from residence to residence, to be pipped every time.

Further, it is now some two years since the debt was incurred, and the bank is almost ready to write it off.

You then administer the coup de grace. Ring up the bank manager in wild excitement

and tell him you've won the lottery, and you'd love to fix them with what you owe them at long last.

The bank manager will faint with delight; You send them a cheque. It bounces,

Tliey retire, humbled by the master.

THE Wo.NiUN's WEAKLY —April 27—May 1, 1970

I knew a fellow who was standing at the bar of his favourite hotel, drinking by himself, when approached by this amiable cove who asked him hadn't they met before.

Being in a friendly frame of mind, my friend allowed himself to be sucked into introductions.

The result: a $900 bluey. Now if anyone ever smiles or nods at you in a

bar, ignore them. *

SEX SEX SEX SEMPER FLOREAT Twenty Cents In the City Every Other Tuesday

The editor (in background, wearing tinplate crown) gurgles his last at a recent Commem Semper party. Contrary to popular belief, the wenches are the real thing, much to the chagrin of those who were not invited. Swords are symbolic of the tactics utilised by those union officeholders who also engage in backstabbing feuds against editors of union publications.

and UNISEX

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SEEING THE oAjeAfui STAR

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Tear Out This Corner and Take To:

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(Next to the Canegrowers' Building)

Page 25

THE UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP SUPPORTS COMMElVl SEMPER.

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78 4122 LISTINGS REQUIRED — BUYERS WAITING

Arthur Mitchell and John Bianchi ate Mine Hosts at Uieir

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If your have a household cooking or cleaning

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free of charge.

TEA CADDY Semaphore, SA reader, Mrs.

Howe, asks: "How can I re­move tea stains from a caddy.

Rinse in a light solution of bi-carb and boiling water until clean, frankly, Mrs. Howe, wa consider that you take your golf a little too seriously.

PIANO KEYS Beverley Hills, NSW reader,

Mrs. Steele, asks: "How may I whiten yellowed piano keys?"

Saturate a sponge with alco­hol and rub briskly over the keys. Then suck the sponge until you are three parts gone. At this stage you will invite passers'by to join you in a sponge—sucking party. Chances are that some of the guests will be University students and it shouldn't be long before they smash the piano and force the debris through a nine inch hole. Whose nine inch hole? This is a matter of personal choice. The important thing is, you will no longer have the prob­lem of yellowed piano keys.

HOT PANTS "How can I remove scorch

stains from nylon pants," asks Mrs. Rosen of Toorak, Vic.

Unfortunately, IVirs. Rosen does not tell us the cause of th e bums or whether they are on the front or the back of the pants. Using a strong wire brush, brush all over with a mixture of paint remover and beruene. If this fails, remove pants, wash in hot soapy wat­er and hang in a sunny spot.

BURNT PAN T^rs. Gilroy of Ocean Beach,

NSW, asks: "How may I remove a burnt patch from the bottom of a pan?"

Well, Mrs. Gilroy, lighting fires in the toilet is a danger­ous practice and can cause untold damage to pan bot­toms and bottoms generally. Mix a littie lemon juice with some caustic soda and splash the solution, liberally, into the eyes of your fanuly and self. This method vnll ensure that you do not notice the stain in the future.

TEA POT Ballarat, Vic. reader, Mrs.

Jackson, wishes to wash inside a silver teapot that has become stained.

This is quite out of the question unless the teapot is extremely large, or you, Mrs. Jackson, are extremely small. We suggest you continue to wash in the bathroom along with ttie rest of the family and use the teapot for other pur­poses.

HERBS Brisbane reader, Mrs. B. Smilh, has a problem with herb cook­ing, particularly with basil and rosemary. Your problem can be solved by ensuring that the fat doesn't get into rosemary. Herb and basil should be able to co-operate because basil, essentially a sage, is assuaged by a dill called angelica (friend of mar­joram). Thank you for your thymely query.

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Page 26 THE WOAUJN'S WEAKLY—April 27—May 1, 1970

Vietnam moratorium

it is important to understand that the massacre of the rural population of Vietnam and their forced evacuation is not an accidental by-product of the war. Rather it is of the very essence of American strategy. The theory behind It has been explained with great clarity and explicltness, for example by Professor Samuel Huntington, Chairman of the Government Department at Harvard and at the time (1968) Chairman of the Council on Vietnamese Studies of the Southeast Asia Develop­ment Advisory Group, in effect the State Department task force on Vietnam. Writing in Foreign Affairs, he explains that the Viet Cong is "a powerful force which cannot be dislodged from its constituency so long as the constitisency continues to exist"

The world's most advanced society has found the answer to people's war: eliminate the people.

ProfessorNoam Chomsky. M.I.T.

"In hundreds of villages all over Southeast Asia the only people working at the grass roots for an uplift in people's living stan­dards are the Communists." Denis Warner of the Courier Mail,

In "The Last Confucian", 1963.

Our minimum demands are: Immediate withdrawal of Australian troops and repeal of the National Service Act.

Groups participating include pacifists, conscientious objectors, those who think we have no right to intervene in other nation's affairs and those who believe that revolution is the only strategy to be used to end poverty, fight corrupt government, and defeat U.S. imperialism.

The University has been declared open by the Campus Moratorium Committee. We invite all workers and those in educational Institutions to come to St. Lucia on Wednesday and Thursday, May 6 and 7, for discussions, folksinging and Vietnam activity. On Friday, May 8, we ask people to join us In a march into town where there will be a rally.

THE WoAiHN's WEAKL\ —April 27—Mav 1,1970 Page 27

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