WORDS GIRLS USE.docx

7/27/2019 WORDS GIRLS USE.docx

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WORDS GIRLS USE

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FINE

This is the word girls use to end an argument when they feel they are

right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a girl looks

- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an

even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

usually used to describe the feeling a girl has of wanting to turn you

inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

This is a dare. One that will result in a girl getting upset over

"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You

will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"

when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at

that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and

arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that

she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay

content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a girl can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying

you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used

with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big

trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A girl is giving you the chance

to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is

that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and

you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A girl is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.


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THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A girl will say, "Thanks A Lot"

when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her

in some callous way, and will be fol lowed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not

to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you

"Nothing"

Outsourcing at its best

Ferrari's F1 Team has fired its entire pit crew. The announcement

follows: Ferrari has decided to take advantage of India's high

unemployment rate, and hire unemployed Indian youths from Dharavi. The

decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how they

were able to remove a set of wheels from a car parked in the street in

less than 6 seconds without proper equipment. Ferrari's erstwhile crew

took more than 8 seconds with the right equipment.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by the Ferrari

management,and, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would

have an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari's expectations were exceeded, as during the crew's

first practice session; not only were 'da boyz' from Bombay able to

change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds had

resprayed the car, filed off the chassis number and sold the vehicle

over to the McLaren Team!!

Mars & Venus on Earth

Here is a great classic that is worth reading, even if you have seen it

before.

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to amovie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks

her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see

each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing

anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,

and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of

tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?


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And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud

silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said

that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks

I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or

isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of

relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd

have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we

are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going

to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward

marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that

level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February

when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the

dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way

overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm

reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,

more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed

it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why

he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of

being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission

again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold

weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage

truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,

too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the

way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty.

That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight

to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a

perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care

about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain

because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darnwarranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Roger, Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to

brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She

breaks down, sobbing.)


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What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no

knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no

horse.

There's no horse? says Roger.

You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.

No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries

to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks

might work.)

"Yes" he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to

become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves

a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger", she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul,

and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a

bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in

a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A

tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major

was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he

would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't

think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,

and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. Inpainstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he

said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,

and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe

months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored

with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of

his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm,


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you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

Taxation PolicyYou've heard the cry in the past "It's just a tax cut for the

rich!", and it is accepted as fact. But what does that really mean?

The following explanation may help.

Suppose that every day, 10 men go out for dinner. The bill for all

10 comes to $100. They decided to pay their bill the way we pay our

taxes, and it went like this:

* The first four men (the poorest) paid nothing.

* The fifth paid $1.

* The sixth $3.

* The seventh $7.

* The eighth $12.

* The ninth $18.

* The tenth man (the richest) paid $59.

All 10 were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the

owner said: "Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to

reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the 10

only cost $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

The first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free.

But how should the other six, the paying customers, divvy up the $20

windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they

subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth and sixth men


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would each end up being paid to eat. The restaurateur suggested reducing

each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, thus:

* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

* The sixth paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

* The seventh paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

* The eighth paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

* The ninth paid $14 instead of =C2=A318 (22% saving).

* The tenth paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off, and the first four continued to eat

for free, but outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their

savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He

pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"

"That's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too.

It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back

when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get

anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men

surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner. The nine sat

down and ate without him, but when they came to pay the bill, they

discovered that they didn't have enough money between all of them

for even half of it.

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our

tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most

benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for

being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.


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BREAKING UP IS HARD

Psychology: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute

for

his Mother.

Sociology: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

Religion: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God

Archaeology: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of

trying to dig it up.

Theatre: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

Biology: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

Physics: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must

come down.

Journalism: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,

called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

Women's Studies: "HE did it!"

Business: Both decide that they're spending way too much money

together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

Italian: "Mama Mia!"

History: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the

other party did in the past.

Geography: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid

each other.

Anatomy: "I never liked your body anyway."

Economics: One party demands more than the other can supply.

English: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete

with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't

really say anything substantively intelligible.

Education: Both concede that the relationship was a learning

experience.

Computing: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface"

and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."

E. Engineer: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are

positives and negatives, but..."


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Architecture: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."

Jewish Studies: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

Philosophy: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to

witness the breakup, are they really single?

Zoology: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked

sophisticated communication skills.

Phys. Ed.: They punch each other out in frustration.

Chemistry: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.

Counseling: Each urges the other to "get help!"

Music: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a

country song) to express his or her sorrow.

Law: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement

Dilbert's Best

The Pen is Mightier than the Pigs...........

>

>

> Dilbert's Best........

>

>> 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow

> is not looking good either.

>

> 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as

> they go flying by.

>

> 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

>

> 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


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>

> 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the

> first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

>

> 6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.

>

> 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I

> thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"

>

> 8. My reality cheque bounced.

>

> 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

>

> 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

>

> 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut

> butter.

>

> 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and

taste good with ketchup.

>> 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

>

> 14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then

>beat you with experience.

>

> 15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

>

> 16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be

> promoted.

>

> 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the

> month than you did before.

>

> 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

>

> 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a

> clipboard.

>

> 20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse

> will happen to you the rest of the day.

>

> 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

>

> 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

>

> 23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

>> 24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by

reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

>

> 25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.

>

> 26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this

> line.

>

> 27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be


10/26

> the king.

>

> 28. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.

>

> 29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all

> of the time and have the time of your life.

>

> 30. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane.

>

>

> engineers wow!!!!

> > > >

> > > > >Comprehending Engineers-First Take

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Two engineering students were walking across

> > > > campus

> > > > >

> > > > > >when one said,

> > > > >

> > > > > >"Where

> > > > >

> > > > > >did you get such a great bike?" The second

> > > > engineer

> > > > >

> > > > > >replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday

> > > > minding

> > > > >

> > > > > >my own business> > > > >

> > > > > >when a

> > > > >

> > > > > >beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw

> > > > the

> > > > >

> > > > > >bike to the ground,

> > > > >

> > > > > >took


11/26

> > > > >

> > > > > >off all her clothes and said, "Take what you

> > > > want."

> > > > >

> > > > > >"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good

> > > > choice;

> > > > >

> > > > > >the clothes

> > > > >

> > > > > >probably wouldn't have fit."

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Two

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the

> > > > >

> > > > > >pessimist, the glass is

> > > > >

> > > > > >half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice

> > > > as big

> > > > >

> > > > > >as it needs to

> > > > >

> > > > > >be.

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting

> > > > one

> > > > >

> > > > > >morning for a> > > > >

> > > > > >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer

> > > > >

> > > > > >fumed, "What's

> > > > >

> > > > > >with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >minutes!" The


12/26

> > > > >

> > > > > >doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never

> > > > seen

> > > > >

> > > > > >such ineptitude!"

> > > > >

> > > > > >The

> > > > >

> > > > > >pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.

> > > > Let's

> > > > >

> > > > > >have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's

> > > > with

> > > > >

> > > > > >that group ahead of

> > > > >

> > > > > >us?

> > > > >

> > > > > >They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens

> > > > keeper

> > > > >> > > > > >replied, "Oh, yes,

> > > > >

> > > > > >that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost

> > > > their

> > > > >

> > > > > >sight saving our

> > > > >

> > > > > >clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let

> > > > them

> > > > >

> > > > > >play for free

> > > > >

> > > > > >anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The

> > > > >

> > > > > >pastor said, "That's

> > > > >

> > > > > >so

> > > > >

> > > > > >sad. I will say a special prayer for them

> > > > >

> > > > > >tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm

> > > > going

> > > > >

> > > > > >to contact my

> > > > >

> > > > > >ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything

> > > > he> > > > >

> > > > > >can do for them."

> > > > >

> > > > > >The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at

> > > > >

> > > > > >night?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >


13/26

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >What is the difference between Mechanical

> > > > Engineers

> > > > >

> > > > > >and Civil

> > > > >

> > > > > >Engineers?

> > > > >

> > > > > >Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil

> > > > Engineers

> > > > >

> > > > > >build targets.

> > > > >

> > > > > >> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why

> > > > does it

> > > > >

> > > > > >work?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,

> > > > "How

> > > > >

> > > > > >does it work?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How

> > > > much

> > > > >

> > > > > >will it cost?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you

> > > > want

> > > > >> > > > > >fries with that?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

> > > > >


14/26

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Three engineering students were gathered together

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >discussing the

> > > > >

> > > > > >possible

> > > > >

> > > > > >designers of the human body. One said, "It was a

> > > > >

> > > > > >mechanical engineer.

> > > > >

> > > > > >Just

> > > > >

> > > > > >look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it

> > > > was

> > > > >

> > > > > >an electrical engineer. The nervous system has

> > > > many> > > > >

> > > > > >thousands of

> > > > >

> > > > > >electrical

> > > > >

> > > > > >connections." The last one said, "Actually it was

> > > > a

> > > > >

> > > > > >civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste

> > > > >

> > > > > >pipeline through a

> > > > >

> > > > > >recreational area?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broke,

> > > >

> > > > >> > > > > >don't fix it.

> > > > >

> > > > > >Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it

> > > > doesn't

> > > > >

> > > > > >have enough

> > > > >

> > > > > >features

> > > > >


15/26

> > > > > >yet."

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >An architect, an artist and an engineer were

> > > > >

> > > > > >discussing whether it was

> > > > >

> > > > > >better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

> > > > The

> > > > >

> > > > > >architect said he

> > > > >> > > > > >enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid

> > > > >

> > > > > >foundation for an enduring

> > > > >

> > > > > >relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time

> > > > with his

> > > > >

> > > > > >mistress,

> > > > >

> > > > > >because of

> > > > >

> > > > > >the passion and mystery he found there. The

> > > > engineer

> > > > >

> > > > > >said, "I like

> > > > >

> > > > > >both."

> > > > >

> > > > > >"Both?" The Engineer said: "Yeah. If you have a

> > > > wife

> > > > >

> > > > > >and a mistress,

> > > > >

> > > > > >they

> > > > >

> > > > > >will each assume you are spending time with the

> > > > other> > > > >

> > > > > >woman, and you

> > > > >

> > > > > >can go

> > > > >

> > > > > >to the office and get some work done."

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >


16/26

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine

> > > > >

> > > > > >*************************************************

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a

> > > > frog

> > > > >

> > > > > >called out to him

> > > > >

> > > > > >and

> > > > >

> > > > > >said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and

> > > > put it

> > > > >> > > > > >in his pocket.

> > > > >

> > > > > >The

> > > > >

> > > > > >frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and

> > > > turn

> > > > >

> > > > > >me back into a

> > > > >

> > > > > >beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one

> > > > >

> > > > > >week." The engineer

> > > > >

> > > > > >took

> > > > >

> > > > > >the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and

> > > > returned

> > > > >

> > > > > >it to the pocket.

> > > > >

> > > > > >The

> > > > >

> > > > > >frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me

> > > > back

> > > > >

> > > > > >into a princess,

> > > > >> > > > > >I'll

> > > > >

> > > > > >stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again

> > > > the

> > > > >

> > > > > >engineer took the

> > > > >

> > > > > >frog

> > > > >


17/26

> > > > > >out, smiled at it and put it back into his

> > > > pocket.

> > > > >

> > > > > >Finally, the frog

> > > > >

> > > > > >asked,

> > > > >

> > > > > >"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

> > > > beautiful

> > > > >

> > > > > >princess, that I'll

> > > > >

> > > > > >stay

> > > > >

> > > > > >with you for a week and do anything you want. Why

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > >won't you kiss me?"

> > > > >

> > > > > >The

> > > > >> > > > > >engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't

> > > > have

> > > > >

> > > > > >time for a

> > > > >

> > > > > >girlfriend,

> > > > >

> > > > > >but a talking frog......that's cool."

>

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After

mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When

I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka

next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the


18/26

sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded

to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the

following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy,junior

and

the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't

say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this

and

eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks

for

the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's,

not a

peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

"The Halting Problem is Solvable"

A fundamental question in the graduate computer

science curriculum

can be posed as follows: Given an average grad student

doing a Ph.D,

will the student ever complete his dissertation? This

problem has

been termed the "Halting Problem," and it has been an


19/26

open problem

thus far. In the following, we show that the halting

problem is

solvable. Furthermore, the problem can be solved

within the time

stipulated by the Graduate College for Ph.Ds or, in

the worst case,

with only a constant number of petitions for

extensions.

The halting problem was first formulated by Alan

Turing, who observed

a number of his graduate students being apparently

busy all the time

but never graduating. Turing tried to solve the

problem by first

stopping all assistantships after the sixth year and

then by purging

all games from the research computers. Needless to

say, his efforts

were fruitless. Later, Church almost succeeded in

solving the problemwhen he placed notices in grad students' mailboxes

indicating

attractive jobs in industry with several orders of

magnitude

higher remuneration. The so called Church's thesis was

that the

halting problem is solvable, given enough financial

motivation. Church's idea

backfired when grads found out that they have to

actually work to

earn money in the outside world. Thus, far from

solving the

halting problem, Church aggravated it (After this, we

are not sure whether

Church himself graduated). Recently, Cook et al have

shown that

the halting problem falls under a new complexity

class, "NP Hairy."

(NP hairy is the class of hopelessly complicated

problems with

no known solutions. The hardest problem in NP hairy

has been shown to be

the problem of trying to claim standard deductions in

the 1040 form).

In the following, we show that the halting problem is

indeed solvable.

For this, we assume the existence of a "Super Grad,"who is capable

of working in any area in CS (except possibly

numerical analysis).

For notational convenience, we call this super grad, S

sub G sup i,j sub *

(written using a funky theoretical CS font). The

property

of Super grad is that, given the description of any

grad (mostly in


20/26

terms of the number of newsfiles he/she reads every

day) and

a description of his/her thesis topic, Super grad will

either halt with

a dissertation or keep publishing technical reports

indefinitely.

Now, we give Super grad a description of himself and

his own thesis

topic. If Super grad halts, we are done (and so is he)

otherwise

we get a stream of technical reports. But by the

"fundamental

research theorem" of CS Departments (refer to the

graduate study manual)

any five arbitrary technical reports on unrelated

topics can be

compiled into a Ph.D thesis. Thus, we are done in the

second case too.

Finally, how long does it take for a dissertation to

be completed?

The time is either less than or equal to the durationallowed by the Grad

College for the completion of a Ph.D or it is greater.

In the latter

case, infinite number of petitions can be filed for

extensions.

Since the Grad College never remembers previous

petitions, the

total number of petitions received by the Grad College

is always one,

a small constant. (QED)


21/26

Kissing Hank's Ass

by Rev. Jim Huber

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I

found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why

would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and

if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.

Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants

is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His

ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million

dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave

town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the

money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the

million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last

year, and I'm sure she got the money."


22/26

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if

you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll

get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a

twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?

And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of

you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight

from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other

times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing

Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,

that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward

you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining

the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you

leave town.

2. Use alcohol in moderation.3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.

4. Eat right.

5. Hank dictated this list Himself.

6. The moon is made of green cheese.

7. Everything Hank says is right.

8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

9. Don't use alcohol.

10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.

11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.


23/26

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's

handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of

philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're

different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good

enough for me!" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing

up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.'

Besides,

item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and

item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone

knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item

2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain

wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.

As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say

for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made

of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from

out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moonwas somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides,

not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we

know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."


24/26

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the

list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank

dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no

different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come

around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything

else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments

of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it

would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La

la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat

that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I

wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you

I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass

for you,

you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


25/26

The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers According to

Sassy magazine, the five questions are:

1. "What are you thinking?"

2. "Do you love me?"

3. "Do I look fat?"

4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5. "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to

explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer

properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of

course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting

on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful

woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy

was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

1. Baseball

2. Football

3. How fat you are.

4. How much prettier she is than you.

5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question

came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his

wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead ofthinking."The other questions also have only one right answer but many

wrong answers:

2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For

those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,

dear."

Wrong answers include:


26/26

1. I suppose so.

2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.

3. That depends on what you mean by "love".

4. Does it matter?

5. Who, me?

3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to

confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly

leave the room.


1. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.

2. Compared to what?

3. A little extra weight looks good on you.

4. I've seen fatter.

5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance

policy.

4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could

be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that youalmost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In

any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."


1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

2. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.

3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

4. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.

5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance

policy.

5. "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the

event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and

I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's

Pizza truck that came my way."

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