Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright

All those who believe in All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my handpsychokinesis raise my hand

Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

I'm having amnesia and deja I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think vu at the same time: I think I've forgotten this before.I've forgotten this before.


The early bird gets the worm, The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse but the second mouse

gets the cheesegets the cheese


OK, so what's the speed of OK, so what's the speed of dark?dark?


If everything seems to be going If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously well, you have obviously overlooked somethingoverlooked something


Support bacteria - they're the Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people haveonly culture some people have


When everything is coming When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong your way, you're in the wrong

lanelane


Imagine how weird phones Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was would look if your mouth was

nowhere near your earsnowhere near your ears


Ambition is a poor excuse for Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be not having enough sense to be

lazylazy


Everyone has a Everyone has a photographic memory. photographic memory.

Some just don't have filmSome just don't have film


You can’t have everything… You can’t have everything… where would you put it?where would you put it?


Everywhere is walking distance Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.if you have the time.


Shin: a device for finding Shin: a device for finding furniture in the darkfurniture in the dark


I intend to live forever – I intend to live forever – so far, so goodso far, so good


Eagles may soar, but weasels Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet don't get sucked into jet

enginesengines


I bought some powdered I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what water, but I don't know what

to add to it.to add to it.


When I'm not in my right mind, When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty my left mind gets pretty

crowdedcrowded


Who is General Failure and why Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?is he reading my hard disk?


What happens if you get scared What happens if you get scared half to death twice?half to death twice?


Why do psychics have to ask Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?you for your name?


If at first you don't succeed, If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence destroy all evidence

that you triedthat you tried


If at first you don't succeed, If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't then skydiving definitely isn't

for youfor you


A conclusion is the place where A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinkingyou got tired of thinking


Experience is something you Experience is something you don't get until just after don't get until just after

you need ityou need it


For every action, there is an For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticismequal and opposite criticism


The colder the X-ray table, The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is the more of your body is

required to be on itrequired to be on it


The hardness of the butter is The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the directly proportional to the

softness of the breadsoftness of the bread


You never really learn to swear You never really learn to swear until you learn to driveuntil you learn to drive


The problem with the gene pool The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguardis that there is no lifeguard


Monday is an awful way to Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your lifespend 1/7th of your life


A clear conscience is usually A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memorythe sign of a bad memory


If you must choose between If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've two evils, pick the one you've

never tried beforenever tried before


Change is inevitable....except Change is inevitable....except from vending machinesfrom vending machines


A fool and his money A fool and his money are soon partyingare soon partying


If you think nobody cares about If you think nobody cares about you, try missing you, try missing

a couple of paymentsa couple of payments


Bills travel through the mail at Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checkstwice the speed of checks


Borrow money from pessimists-Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it backthey don't expect it back


A conscience is what hurts A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel when all your other parts feel

so goodso good


On the other hand, On the other hand, you have different fingersyou have different fingers


Someone sent me a postcard Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth.with a picture of the earth.

On the back it said, On the back it said, "Wish you were here""Wish you were here"


I spilled spot remover on my I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gonedog. Now he's gone


What's another word for What's another word for Thesaurus?Thesaurus?


There's a fine line between There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiotshore looking like an idiot


If you are sending someone If you are sending someone styrofoam, styrofoam,

what do you pack it in?what do you pack it in?



Everywhere is walking Everywhere is walking distance if you have the timedistance if you have the time


It doesn’t make a difference It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is - what temperature a room is - it’s always room temperatureit’s always room temperature


What was the best thing What was the best thing beforebefore sliced bread? sliced bread?


Whose cruel idea was it to Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?put an “s” in the word “lisp”?


If a man says something If a man says something in the woods, in the woods,

and there are no women and there are no women there, there,

is he still wrong?is he still wrong?


Do infants enjoy infancy as Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy much as adults enjoy

adultery?adultery?


If love is blind, If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?why is lingerie so popular?


Why is the man (or woman) Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money who invests all your money

called a broker?called a broker?


Why do croutons come in Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin withstale bread to begin with


If you take an oriental man If you take an oriental man and spin him around, does he and spin him around, does he

become disoriented?become disoriented?


Why are a wise man and a Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?wise guy opposites?


““I am” is reportedly the I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the shortest sentence in the

English language. “I do” is English language. “I do” is the longest sentence.the longest sentence.


If Fed Ex and UPS were to If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it merge, would they call it

“Fed UP”?“Fed UP”?


What hair colour do they put What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenseson the driver’s licenses

of bald men? of bald men?


Do Lipton Tea employees Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?take coffee breaks?


No one ever says No one ever says “It’s only a game” “It’s only a game”

when their team is winningwhen their team is winning


If it’s true that we are here to If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the help others, what are the

others here for?others here for?


Ever wonder what the speed Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it of lightning would be if it

didn’t zigzag?didn’t zigzag?


If a cow laughed, would milk If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?come out her nose?


What ever happened to What ever happened to Preparation A through G?Preparation A through G?


Last night I played a blank Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime tape at full blast. The mime

next door went nutsnext door went nuts


Why do overlook and oversee Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?mean opposite things?


If a pig loses its voice, If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?is it disgruntled?


It’s a small world, but I It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.wouldn’t want to paint it.


If you were going to shoot a If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a mime, would you use a

silencer?silencer?


Right now I’m having Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the amnesia and déjà vu at the

same time. I think I’ve same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.forgotten this before.


I have an inferiority I have an inferiority complex…. It’s not a very complex…. It’s not a very

good one.good one.


Why isn’t the word Why isn’t the word ‘phonetically’ spelled with an ‘phonetically’ spelled with an

‘f’?‘f’?


I know a guy who was a clown… I know a guy who was a clown… when he died, all of his friends when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.went to the funeral in one car.


The other day, I was walking my The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are the ledge. Some people are

afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widthsafraid of widths..


I'm at Seaworld at a seafood I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a my God.. .. .. I could be eating a

slow learnerslow learner..

Date post:	27-Jan-2015
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Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright

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