Working with Difficult Working with Difficult PeoplePeople

Dr. Jim Guinee & Dr. Jim Guinee &

Charlotte StricklandCharlotte Strickland

February 19, 2009February 19, 2009

Conflict at the OfficeConflict at the Office

http://www.megavideo.com/?http://www.megavideo.com/?v=B4P32HO8v=B4P32HO8

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

The Big Baby The Big Baby

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

The Lazy Dog The Lazy Dog

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

My way or the highwayMy way or the highway

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

Doom and gloomDoom and gloom

What do we mean What do we mean by “difficult people?” by “difficult people?”

The sound of silence…The sound of silence…

The most difficult person?The most difficult person?

Helpful strategies Helpful strategies

A. A. The problem with personalizing The problem with personalizing

Helpful strategies Helpful strategies

A. A. The problem with personalizing The problem with personalizing

Problem 1: You can see behavior but Problem 1: You can see behavior but you you

cannot see what’s behind itcannot see what’s behind it

Problem 2: The default mode may be Problem 2: The default mode may be stuckstuck

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

B. B. Fundamental attribution errorFundamental attribution error

“ “Don’t judge my outsides with your Don’t judge my outsides with your insides”insides”

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

Building on A, one must be careful not Building on A, one must be careful not to confuse internal and external to confuse internal and external factorsfactors

Q: Are you having a bad day, or are Q: Are you having a bad day, or are you you

just that mean?just that mean?

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategiesC. C. The Principle of Least InterventionThe Principle of Least Intervention

“ “An ounce of prevention…”An ounce of prevention…”

All big All big

fires fires

start start

out smallout small

OFFICE CONFLICTOFFICE CONFLICT

• You work in an office where the You work in an office where the microwave is used frequently, and microwave is used frequently, and isn’t getting cleaned. The next time isn’t getting cleaned. The next time you go to use it, it is filthy.you go to use it, it is filthy.

• What do you do?What do you do?

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

D. D. Self-talk is Good MedicineSelf-talk is Good Medicine

   

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

    EXAMPLESEXAMPLES::

““My therapist says this is not about My therapist says this is not about me, this is about you.”me, this is about you.”

““You’re going to wear yourself out You’re going to wear yourself out being that nasty.”being that nasty.”

““Thank you for sharing your anger, I’m Thank you for sharing your anger, I’m not allowed to accept gifts.”not allowed to accept gifts.”

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

E. E. Own the problemOwn the problem

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

E. E. Own the problemOwn the problem

Solve the problem vs. Win the argumentSolve the problem vs. Win the argument

Decrease defensiveness, increase Decrease defensiveness, increase receptivity receptivity

FORMULA: "I have a problem. When you FORMULA: "I have a problem. When you ______ (specific behavior), then _____ ______ (specific behavior), then _____ (specific consequences) happens, and I (specific consequences) happens, and I feel ___. And I don’t like that.“feel ___. And I don’t like that.“

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

F. F. Don’t conflate the level of concern Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledgewith the degree of knowledge

  

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

F. F. Don’t conflate the level of concern Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledgewith the degree of knowledge

Q1: How much does this person know?Q1: How much does this person know?

Q2: How much does this person care?Q2: How much does this person care?

[Tip: Answer the questions IN ORDER][Tip: Answer the questions IN ORDER]

Q: Which one do you have control Q: Which one do you have control over? over?   

Helpful strategiesHelpful strategies

G. G. Keep your sense of HumorKeep your sense of Humor

  

Self-Assertion laced with Self-Assertion laced with humorhumor

Self-Assertion laced with Self-Assertion laced with humorhumor

Helpful StrategiesHelpful Strategies

H. H. Spiritual SolutionsSpiritual Solutions

Helpful StrategiesHelpful Strategies

H. H. Spiritual SolutionsSpiritual Solutions

James 1:19 Be slow to speak and slow James 1:19 Be slow to speak and slow to become angryto become angry

Matthew 5:4 Love your enemies and Matthew 5:4 Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute youpray for those who persecute you

Helpful StrategiesHelpful Strategies

I. I. Don’t forget the Counseling CenterDon’t forget the Counseling Center

Helpful StrategiesHelpful Strategies

I. I. Don’t forget the Counseling CenterDon’t forget the Counseling Center

We offer services that are:We offer services that are:

Cost and Collusion-freeCost and Collusion-free

Convenient Convenient

ConfidentialConfidential

CompassionateCompassionate

OFFICE CONFLICTOFFICE CONFLICT

• Your supervisor frequently asked you Your supervisor frequently asked you to perform non-required duties, to perform non-required duties, duties which fall on other staff duties which fall on other staff members but somehow you wind up members but somehow you wind up being ask to cover for them. being ask to cover for them.

• Complaining to your supervisor has Complaining to your supervisor has resulted in absolutely no change.resulted in absolutely no change.

• Now what?Now what?

I tried it, it didn’t work I tried it, it didn’t work

When faced with an immoveable When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person): obstacle (i.e., the other person): 

   Deal with itDeal with it

Leave the relationship, leave the Leave the relationship, leave the environmentenvironment

I tried it, it didn’t work I tried it, it didn’t work

When faced with an immoveable obstacle: When faced with an immoveable obstacle:   

   Change your behaviorChange your behavior Change your attitudeChange your attitude

• Is this fair? No.  Is this fair? No.  

• But who said life was fair?But who said life was fair?

Final CommentsFinal Comments