Working With Difficult PeopleWorking With Difficult People

Rob HouserRob HouserUser First Services, Inc.

Atlanta, Georgia

rob@userfirst.netwww.userfirst.net

Goal of this workshopGoal of this workshop

To identify strategies for working with To identify strategies for working with difficult people who we might encounter in difficult people who we might encounter in the workplace so we can become more the workplace so we can become more effective technical communicators.effective technical communicators.

ObjectivesObjectives

To recognize the pros and cons of conflictTo recognize the pros and cons of conflict To identify your conflict resolution styleTo identify your conflict resolution style To classify 10 common difficult behaviorsTo classify 10 common difficult behaviors To learn strategies for coping with the 10 To learn strategies for coping with the 10

types of difficult behaviors types of difficult behaviors

You can call it an argument all you want, You can call it an argument all you want, but we both know it’s a fight!but we both know it’s a fight!

---Rebecca Houser---Rebecca Houser

How do you define conflict?How do you define conflict?

What words come to your mind when you What words come to your mind when you hear the word conflict?hear the word conflict?

What is conflict?What is conflict?

When two or more people do not share the When two or more people do not share the same beliefs, interests, or goalssame beliefs, interests, or goals

Conflict is natural and inevitableConflict is natural and inevitable Conflict is often uncomfortable and stressfulConflict is often uncomfortable and stressful The goal of conflict resolution is not to The goal of conflict resolution is not to

eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to handle and resolve it constructivelyhandle and resolve it constructively

What is difficult behavior?What is difficult behavior?

Behavior that thwarts or frustrates usBehavior that thwarts or frustrates us Behavior that threatens us (physically but Behavior that threatens us (physically but

more likely psychologically)more likely psychologically) Behavior that delays or disrupts the Behavior that delays or disrupts the

problem-solving processproblem-solving process Defensive behavior others use when they Defensive behavior others use when they

feel threatened and under pressurefeel threatened and under pressure

Effects of difficult behaviorEffects of difficult behavior

Prevents us from doing our jobs Prevents us from doing our jobs (performance)(performance)

Causes us not to enjoy our jobs Causes us not to enjoy our jobs (motivation)(motivation)

Lowers our self-esteem and confidence Lowers our self-esteem and confidence (psychological well being)(psychological well being)

Results in high levels of stress Results in high levels of stress (health)(health)

Causes of difficult behaviorCauses of difficult behavior

Learned behavior (getting their way)Learned behavior (getting their way) Feeling thwarted and threatenedFeeling thwarted and threatened Exceptional levels of stressExceptional levels of stress Reactions to their difficult behavior which Reactions to their difficult behavior which

reinforce the behavior by increasing the reinforce the behavior by increasing the stress they are already feelingstress they are already feeling

Inflexibility (on both sides)Inflexibility (on both sides)

What can you do about it?What can you do about it?

You can’t change other peopleYou can’t change other people Learn to appreciate and draw upon the Learn to appreciate and draw upon the

different strengths of difficult peopledifferent strengths of difficult people Focus on coping with difficult behavior Focus on coping with difficult behavior

(adapting to other styles of communication)(adapting to other styles of communication)

Know thyself.Know thyself.

---The Seven Sages---The Seven Sages

How do you respond to conflict?How do you respond to conflict?

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode InstrumentThomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument Consider situations in which you find your Consider situations in which you find your

wishes differing from those of another wishes differing from those of another personperson

If neither If neither AA nor nor BB is typical of your is typical of your behavior, select the one you would be most behavior, select the one you would be most likely to uselikely to use

AnalysisAnalysis

Competing = _____Competing = _____

Collaborating = _____Collaborating = _____

Compromising = _____Compromising = _____

Avoiding = _____Avoiding = _____

Accommodating = _____Accommodating = _____

Five conflict handling modesFive conflict handling modes

asse

rtiv

enes

smore

assertive

less assertive

Five conflict handling modesFive conflict handling modes

asse

rtiv

enes

s

cooperativeness

moreassertive

less assertive

less cooperative

more cooperative

Five conflict handling modesFive conflict handling modes

asse

rtiv

enes

s

cooperativeness

more

less

less more

AVOIDING

COMPETING

COMPROMISING

COLLABORATING

ACCOMODATING

CaveatsCaveats

Percentiles based on managers’ responsesPercentiles based on managers’ responses Evaluation used by military to select and Evaluation used by military to select and

train officerstrain officers May be different for non-managersMay be different for non-managers May be different for technical May be different for technical

communicators in generalcommunicators in general

CompetingCompeting

Assertive and uncooperativeAssertive and uncooperative Individual pursues own concerns at the other Individual pursues own concerns at the other

person’s expenseperson’s expense Use power to win position (ability to argue, Use power to win position (ability to argue,

rank, sanctions)rank, sanctions) Might mean standing up for your rights, Might mean standing up for your rights,

defending a position you believe to be correct, defending a position you believe to be correct, or simply trying to winor simply trying to win

AccommodatingAccommodating

Unassertive and cooperativeUnassertive and cooperative Neglect own concerns to satisfy concerns of Neglect own concerns to satisfy concerns of

other personother person Element of self sacrificeElement of self sacrifice Might mean being generous, being forced to Might mean being generous, being forced to

fall in line, or yielding to another’s point of fall in line, or yielding to another’s point of viewview

AvoidingAvoiding

Unassertive and uncooperativeUnassertive and uncooperative Put off pursuing concerns completelyPut off pursuing concerns completely Conflict is not addressedConflict is not addressed Might mean being diplomatic, postponing until Might mean being diplomatic, postponing until

a better time, withdrawing from threatening a better time, withdrawing from threatening situationsituation

CollaboratingCollaborating

Assertive and cooperativeAssertive and cooperative Work with other person to find solution that Work with other person to find solution that

satisfies the concerns of both personssatisfies the concerns of both persons Identifying underlying concerns and exploring Identifying underlying concerns and exploring

alternativesalternatives Might mean confronting and trying to find a Might mean confronting and trying to find a

creative solution or learning from each other creative solution or learning from each other through different points of viewthrough different points of view

CompromisingCompromising

Intermediate assertiveness and Intermediate assertiveness and cooperativenesscooperativeness Find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution Find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution

which partially satisfies both partieswhich partially satisfies both parties Between competing and accommodatingBetween competing and accommodating Might mean splitting the difference, exchanging Might mean splitting the difference, exchanging

concessions, or seeking a quick middle ground concessions, or seeking a quick middle ground positionposition

Not quite scientific researchNot quite scientific research

Only 23 people responded to initial surveyOnly 23 people responded to initial survey Average Technical CommunicatorAverage Technical Communicator

Competing = 3 (low, 20th percentile)Competing = 3 (low, 20th percentile) Collaborating = 6Collaborating = 6 Compromising = 7Compromising = 7 Avoiding = 7Avoiding = 7 Accommodating = 6 (high, 75th percentile)Accommodating = 6 (high, 75th percentile)

No one person was average for all stylesNo one person was average for all styles

Not quite scientific researchNot quite scientific research

Competing was the only significant Competing was the only significant male/female differencemale/female difference Women = 3 (20th percentile)Women = 3 (20th percentile) Men = 7 (70th percentile)Men = 7 (70th percentile)

Not quite scientific researchNot quite scientific research

1 to 4 years experience1 to 4 years experience Low on competing (2/12th percentile)Low on competing (2/12th percentile) High on avoiding (8/80th percentile)High on avoiding (8/80th percentile)

5+ years experience5+ years experience More balanced in all stylesMore balanced in all styles

Both groupsBoth groups High on accommodating (6/75th percentile)High on accommodating (6/75th percentile)

Not quite scientific researchNot quite scientific research

Positive WordsPositive Words unavoidable (2), challenging, directly, flexible, unavoidable (2), challenging, directly, flexible,

inevitable, human, politics, necessaryinevitable, human, politics, necessary Negative WordsNegative Words

uncomfortable (2), stressful (3), frustrated, uncomfortable (2), stressful (3), frustrated, friction, tired, distracting, obstacle, unfortunatefriction, tired, distracting, obstacle, unfortunate

Not quite scientific researchNot quite scientific research

Positive WordsPositive Words Fairly mixed conflict stylesFairly mixed conflict styles

Negative WordsNegative Words 79% especially low in competing79% especially low in competing 71% especially high in accommodating71% especially high in accommodating

Impact of tendenciesImpact of tendencies

Extreme tendencies in conflict styles could Extreme tendencies in conflict styles could lead those who used negative words to lead those who used negative words to describe conflict to feel powerless and describe conflict to feel powerless and deprived of respect and recognitiondeprived of respect and recognition

Managers who are especially high in Managers who are especially high in accommodating often delay discipline and accommodating often delay discipline and may lack overall direction for the groupmay lack overall direction for the group

Questions to answerQuestions to answer

Do these preliminary numbers hold true Do these preliminary numbers hold true across a wider number of our members?across a wider number of our members?

Do non-mangers have different averages Do non-mangers have different averages than managers, even in our field?than managers, even in our field?

Why do technical communicators seem to Why do technical communicators seem to have higher than average tendencies to have higher than average tendencies to accommodate?accommodate?

Flexing your conflict stylesFlexing your conflict styles

Remember that no one conflict style is rightRemember that no one conflict style is right Recognize your natural tendencies when Recognize your natural tendencies when

initially faced with conflict, and learn to initially faced with conflict, and learn to adjust them according to the situationadjust them according to the situation

CompetingCompeting

When quick action is necessaryWhen quick action is necessary For unpopular courses of action for For unpopular courses of action for

important issuesimportant issues On issues of company welfare when you On issues of company welfare when you

know you are rightknow you are right To protect yourself from others taking To protect yourself from others taking

advantage of your non-competitive behavioradvantage of your non-competitive behavior

CollaboratingCollaborating

To find a solution that uses the best of both To find a solution that uses the best of both approaches when neither position can be approaches when neither position can be compromisedcompromised

When you want to learn from othersWhen you want to learn from others If you need to gain commitment from othersIf you need to gain commitment from others To work through hard feelings that have To work through hard feelings that have

interrupted an interpersonal relationshipinterrupted an interpersonal relationship

CompromisingCompromising

When goals are not greatly important and When goals are not greatly important and short-term relationships are importantshort-term relationships are important

When both sides have equal power and will When both sides have equal power and will not budgenot budge

To achieve temporary settlements to complex To achieve temporary settlements to complex issuesissues

To make decisions quickly under deadlinesTo make decisions quickly under deadlines If collaboration or competition failsIf collaboration or competition fails

AvoidingAvoiding

When issue is trivial or will pass quicklyWhen issue is trivial or will pass quickly When your concerns will not be addressedWhen your concerns will not be addressed When potential damage of conflict outweighs When potential damage of conflict outweighs

the benefits of resolving itthe benefits of resolving it To let people cool downTo let people cool down When gathering more information outweighs When gathering more information outweighs

value of making a decisionvalue of making a decision When others can resolve it more effectivelyWhen others can resolve it more effectively

AccommodatingAccommodating

When you realize you are wrongWhen you realize you are wrong When issue is more important to other than When issue is more important to other than

yourself and you want to maintain a yourself and you want to maintain a cooperative relationshipcooperative relationship

To build goodwill for later issuesTo build goodwill for later issues When you are losingWhen you are losing To maintain harmony, avoid disruptionTo maintain harmony, avoid disruption To allow subordinates to learn on their ownTo allow subordinates to learn on their own

Summary of conflict handlingSummary of conflict handling

No one way of resolving conflict is always No one way of resolving conflict is always rightright

Choose the right method for the right Choose the right method for the right situation (user-centered, contextual)situation (user-centered, contextual)

Learn to be flexible when dealing with Learn to be flexible when dealing with conflict, switching to different styles as the conflict, switching to different styles as the situation changessituation changes

Have you learned lessons only of those who Have you learned lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you?stood aside for you?

Have you not learned great lessons from those Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and who braced themselves against you, and disputed the passage with you?disputed the passage with you?

---Walt Whitman---Walt Whitman

10 Common Difficult Behaviors10 Common Difficult Behaviors

Sherman TanksSherman Tanks SnipersSnipers ExplodersExploders Know-it-all Know-it-all

ExpertsExperts Think-they-know-Think-they-know-

it-allit-all

Super-AgreeablesSuper-Agreeables IndecisivesIndecisives UnresponsivesUnresponsives NegativistsNegativists ComplainersComplainers

Sherman TanksSherman Tanks

Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontationalintimidating, overwhelming, confrontational

Feel strong need to prove that their view of Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always rightthe world is always right

Get irritated or angry if sense resistanceGet irritated or angry if sense resistance See tasks as clear and concreteSee tasks as clear and concrete Value aggressiveness and confidenceValue aggressiveness and confidence

SnipersSnipers

Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groupsused to make you look foolish in groups

Hides behind crowds and social constraintsHides behind crowds and social constraints Often very wittyOften very witty Share Tank’s strong sense of how others Share Tank’s strong sense of how others

should act but is often unrealisticshould act but is often unrealistic Can turn into a Tank if exposedCan turn into a Tank if exposed

ExplodersExploders

Adult tantrum, rage barely under controlAdult tantrum, rage barely under control When person feels thwarted or threatenedWhen person feels thwarted or threatened May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/screamMay cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream Anger often moves to suspicion and Anger often moves to suspicion and

blamingblaming Creates highest amount of resentment Creates highest amount of resentment

among others of all behaviorsamong others of all behaviors

ComplainersComplainers

Find fault with everything, complain Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptiveconstantly, accusatory, prescriptive

Feel someone should be doing something Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take actionbut feel helpless to take action

Have distinct idea of what should be doneHave distinct idea of what should be done Usually is some truth to their complaintsUsually is some truth to their complaints

UnresponsivesUnresponsives

Close down, even when asked direct Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know)question (answer yes, no, I don’t know)

Clam up when you need a response or Clam up when you need a response or expect conversationexpect conversation

Difficult to determine why they are silentDifficult to determine why they are silent

Super-AgreeablesSuper-Agreeables

Want to be liked and loved by everyoneWant to be liked and loved by everyone Make others feel liked and approved ofMake others feel liked and approved of Tell you things that are satisfying to hearTell you things that are satisfying to hear Often use humor to ease conversationOften use humor to ease conversation Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t

deliver because they are over-committeddeliver because they are over-committed Can secretly be resentful of doing so muchCan secretly be resentful of doing so much

NegativistsNegativists

Feel defeated and dispirited as though they Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their liveshave little power over their lives

Pessimistic, more bitter than complainersPessimistic, more bitter than complainers Bring others down quicklyBring others down quickly Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That

won’t work” without looking for solutionswon’t work” without looking for solutions

Know-it-all ExpertsKnow-it-all Experts

Highly productive, thorough and accurate Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful plannersthinkers, careful planners

Believe facts and knowledge provide Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselvesstability; answers lie within themselves

Low tolerance for correction/contradictionLow tolerance for correction/contradiction Condescending, don’t wait for others to Condescending, don’t wait for others to

catch up to their thought process or seek catch up to their thought process or seek input from others input from others

Think-they-know-it-allThink-they-know-it-all

Seek the admiration and respect of others by Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are nottrying to act like experts when they are not

Don’t always know they are not expertsDon’t always know they are not experts Curious people; like to learn a little about a Curious people; like to learn a little about a

lot of thingslot of things

IndecisivesIndecisives

Put off making important decisions because Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyonethey don’t want to hurt anyone

Have high standardsHave high standards Strive to help peopleStrive to help people Usually stall until the decision is madeUsually stall until the decision is made

If civilization is to survive, we must If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human cultivate the science of human relationships--the ability of all people, of relationships--the ability of all people, of all kinds, to live together, in the same all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.world at peace.

--- Franklin D. Roosevelt--- Franklin D. Roosevelt

10 Coping Methods10 Coping Methods

Sherman TanksSherman Tanks SnipersSnipers ExplodersExploders Know-it-all Know-it-all

ExpertsExperts Think-they-know-Think-they-know-

it-allit-all

Super-AgreeablesSuper-Agreeables IndecisivesIndecisives UnresponsivesUnresponsives NegativistsNegativists ComplainersComplainers

Sherman TanksSherman Tanks

Stand up for yourself without fightingStand up for yourself without fighting Give them time to run downGive them time to run down Don’t worry about being polite, just get inDon’t worry about being polite, just get in Get their attention, carefullyGet their attention, carefully Get them to sit downGet them to sit down Speak from your own point of viewSpeak from your own point of view Avoid a head-on fightAvoid a head-on fight Be ready to be friendlyBe ready to be friendly

SnipersSnipers

Surface the attackSurface the attack Give the sniper an out (ask questions)Give the sniper an out (ask questions) Seek group confirmation or denial of the Seek group confirmation or denial of the

sniper’s criticismsniper’s criticism Move on to solve any problems uncoveredMove on to solve any problems uncovered

ExplodersExploders

Give them time to run downGive them time to run down Show that you take them seriouslyShow that you take them seriously Interrupt the interactionInterrupt the interaction

ComplainersComplainers

Listen attentively to their complaintsListen attentively to their complaints Acknowledge what they sayAcknowledge what they say Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledgeBe prepared to interrupt to acknowledge Don’t agree or apologizeDon’t agree or apologize State the facts without comment and State the facts without comment and

apologyapology Move quickly into problem solvingMove quickly into problem solving

UnresponsivesUnresponsives

Ask open-ended questionsAsk open-ended questions Use the friendly, silent stareUse the friendly, silent stare Don’t fill the spaceDon’t fill the space Comment on what’s happeningComment on what’s happening If clam opens up, listen rather than talkIf clam opens up, listen rather than talk If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and

reschedule reschedule

Super-AgreeablesSuper-Agreeables

Make honestly non-threateningMake honestly non-threatening Be personal - when you canBe personal - when you can Listen to their humorListen to their humor Be prepared to compromiseBe prepared to compromise

NegativistsNegativists

Avoid getting drawn inAvoid getting drawn in State your own realistic optimismState your own realistic optimism Don’t argueDon’t argue Don’t rush into proposing solutionsDon’t rush into proposing solutions Set a horror floorSet a horror floor Use comments to make decisionsUse comments to make decisions Be ready to take action on your ownBe ready to take action on your own

Know-it-all ExpertsKnow-it-all Experts

Do your homeworkDo your homework Listen and acknowledgeListen and acknowledge Question firmly, but don’t confrontQuestion firmly, but don’t confront Ask extensional questions to get detailsAsk extensional questions to get details Acknowledge their competenceAcknowledge their competence Make time for reflectionMake time for reflection As last resort, let them be the expertAs last resort, let them be the expert

Think-they-know-it-allThink-they-know-it-all

State the facts as an alternative versionState the facts as an alternative version Give them a way outGive them a way out

IndecisivesIndecisives

Establish a comfort zoneEstablish a comfort zone Surface the issuesSurface the issues Help them problem solve (make decision)Help them problem solve (make decision) Reassure after decision is madeReassure after decision is made Strengthen the relationshipStrengthen the relationship

The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns about 44 percent faster than the one just about 44 percent faster than the one just watching.watching.

--- Mark Twain--- Mark Twain

Positive IntentPositive Intent

Control (to get the job done)Control (to get the job done) Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-allsSherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls

Perfection (to get it right)Perfection (to get it right) Complainers, Negativists, UnresponsivesComplainers, Negativists, Unresponsives

Approval Seeking (to get along)Approval Seeking (to get along) Super-agreeables, Indecisives, NegativistsSuper-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists

Attention Getting (to get appreciation)Attention Getting (to get appreciation) Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, SnipersExploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

Basic strategy - with time to thinkBasic strategy - with time to think

Describe the behavior in detailDescribe the behavior in detail Write down your understanding of behaviorWrite down your understanding of behavior Review your interaction with this person Review your interaction with this person

(what worked and didn’t work)(what worked and didn’t work) Choose the proper coping behaviorChoose the proper coping behavior What do you need to learn and practiceWhat do you need to learn and practice Create an action plan and follow throughCreate an action plan and follow through

Basic strategy - no time to think Basic strategy - no time to think

Determine positive intent and valued criteriaDetermine positive intent and valued criteria Listen (but stop destructive behavior)Listen (but stop destructive behavior) Summarize (length depends on behavior)Summarize (length depends on behavior) ClarifyClarify

Speak to be heardSpeak to be heard State your positive intentState your positive intent Tell your story from your point of viewTell your story from your point of view Don’t damage the relationship, if possibleDon’t damage the relationship, if possible

ConclusionConclusion

Coping with difficult people is never easy Coping with difficult people is never easy and hardly ever funand hardly ever fun

Getting along with other people, even the Getting along with other people, even the difficult ones, is as important a skill for us difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as good writing and Java scriptingas good writing and Java scripting

We make better decisions as a group, but We make better decisions as a group, but groups and teams also have tendencies groups and teams also have tendencies towards certain conflict stylestowards certain conflict styles

ConclusionConclusion

Practice coping techniques in safe situationsPractice coping techniques in safe situations Avoid attributing internal motives to Avoid attributing internal motives to

behavior; assume good intentionsbehavior; assume good intentions Remember that everybody is somebody’s Remember that everybody is somebody’s

difficult person at least some of the timedifficult person at least some of the time

Recommended BooksRecommended Books

Bramson, Robert M. Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult PeopleCoping With Difficult People. Dell . Dell Publishing. New York: 1981.Publishing. New York: 1981.

Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at People Styles at WorkWork. American Management Association. New York: . American Management Association. New York: 19961996

Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. DealingDealing With People With People You Can’t StandYou Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: . R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994.1994.