Dr. Paul Haggan

Barbara Larsen

Jeff Minn

Choice and freedom to make mistakes.

Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion.

Child takes responsibility of his/her actions.

Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.

Neutralizing arguing

Putting an end to arguing, back talk, and begging

How to stay in control of your actions

Learn one-liners

Teaching responsibility without losing their love

Parenting Styles

The power of empathy

Setting Limits through consequences

Think about a summer incident where your child “back talked” and/or argued with you. What happened? How did you respond?

Share with a shoulder partner.

Do not use any other Love and Logic skill until this one is mastered

When we start feeling frustrated, we are entering the Emotional/Reactive Brain Zone.

Strong desire to lecture, correct, and train! We are giving over our own control.

Do they take those words to heart? Or throw back and argue?

“The more words I use when I’m angry the less effective I become. Save words for happy times – that’s when we teach.”

video1.1 1:50-2:47

You don’t love me anymore “I love you too much to argue”

It is not fair “Maybe so…”

You love her more than me “Mmmm…”

You don’t care “I know…”

Dad wouldn’t do that “Maybe so…”

I am going to run away!” “I will love you wherever you live.”

Do not attempt to think--Become a broken record. Keep voice soft.

Video clip 1.1 2:47-4:55

Choose several one-liners that you think you could use and write it down on a sticky.

“I respect you too much to argue.”

“I bet it feels that way.”

“Could be.”

Video clip (O) 1.4 3:23 – 5:20

Video clip 1.3

Expect an extinction burst

“There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships.”

The importance of relationships

“The closer we feel to another person, the more devastated we feel when we do something they disapprove of.”

-Charles Fay

Make every hello and goodbye a special event

At least once a day notice something special about them.

Remove any hint of sarcasm

Love them when they’re behaving not so lovable

List qualities you most admire/treasure/value about your child and write it on a sticky.

Where do you see it? How do you respond to it?

“Kids who view their parent as both powerful and loving are far more likely to grow into respectful and responsible adults.”

We’ll be learning…

How to help our kids learn from their mistakes rather than repeating them

Parenting Styles

How to discipline our children without losing their love

What to do when we can’t think of a logical consequence

Hope the child “blows” it.

Learn through mistakes and experiencing the consequences.

Affordable vs. Unaffordable mistakes exercise

What are some affordable mistakes your kids need to make?

Pick the object that best represents the strengths and weaknesses of your parenting style.

Helicopter

Drill Sergeant

Laissez-faire

Consultant

Helicopter parents hover, rescue, and

protect.

The messages they send say:

• You are fragile.

• You need me to run interference.

• You need me to protect you.

• YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT IN LIFE WITHOUT ME!

Helicopters

UNEQUIPPED for life

Learning opportunities STOLE from them.

In order to grow, children must learnfrom their mistakes

The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principle.

Commands

Message Sent-

“You can’t think. I have to think for you.”

I have to do your thinking for you, boss

you around, tell you what to do.

You are not capable of making it in life

Become DEPENDENT on theirparents for the answers

Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to do

Do not learn how to make decisions- opportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them.

Become followers … as they have been taught

Decide that children should raise themselves

Believe that they should be their child’s friend

Feel guilty for setting limits or giving consequences and allow them to run free

Children need boundaries, rules, and consequences to learn from

Children resist boundaries, but secretly love them in order to feel secure and learn about the world

Children are not adults and can not self-regulate

Parents are parents, not friends

Consultant parents are always there to give advice and let the child

make the decision, with the idea that they will let the child make as

many mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable.

Consultant parents “come along side”……

• They never tell a kid what to do.

• They get better results by saying what they are going

to do.

• They offer choices and alternatives instead of orders.

• When confronted with a problem, consultant parents

use meaningful actions and few words. They wrap

consequences in a loving blanket of empathy.

Consultants

Let empathy and consequencesdo the talking . . .

Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to child’s misbehavior.

Empathy allows us to remain the “good guy” while allowing our child’s poor decision to be the “bad” guy. Children must learn that mistakes hurt them - When the adult gets angry or begins

to lecture the message gets lost.

Children need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents anger.

Be empathetic before you share the bad news (consequences) The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger.

The child must “own” his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult.

The adult-child relationship is maintained.

The child is much less likely to seek revenge.

Video clip 2.2 10:50

This must really hurt.

This is so sad.

That is really hard

I am sorry you feel that way.

I feel bad for you.

It must be hard to feel so frustrated.

I love you too much to argue.

Oh no honey…

Oh, man..

What’s yours? Acitivity

When you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!

Allows us to cool down

Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem. Gives them time to think about their actions

We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable.

There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you can’t back up.

What can I say?

“I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now…later”…. “ try not to worry about it”

“No problem. I love you too much to fight about this. I’ll take care of this later.”

“I am so angry right now, I can’t think straight. I make better decisions when I’m calm. We’ll talk later.”

Must include the three R’s: Reasonable, Relevant, Respectful

“Looks like today you decided to go to school without eating your breakfast.”

“It’s sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you won’t be driving until the damage is paid for.”

“I’m sure glad you’re home. Why don’t you stick around tomorrow night so I don’t have to worry about you.”

“The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.”

There isn’t always a logical/natural/immediate consequence

Generic consequence idea (Restitution):

“drained my energy…so” , “how do you want to put that energy back?”, “extra chore”

Energy Drain Handout

Be ready for your response!

Practice