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Transcript
INFORMATION TO USERS
This manuscript has been reproduced from the microfilm master. UMI films the
text directly from the original or copy submitted. Thus, some thesis and
dissertation copies are in typewriter face, while others may be from any type of
computer printer.
The quality of this reproduction is dependent upon the qual-w of the copy
submitted. Broken or indistinct print, colored or poor quality illustrations and
photographs, print bleedthrough, substandard margins, and improper alignment
can adversely affect reproduction.
In the unlikely event that the author did not send UMI a complete manuscript and
there are missing pages, these will be noted. Also, if unauthorized copyright
material had to be removed, a note will indicate the deletion.
Oversize materials (e.g., maps, drawings, charts) are reproduced by sectioning
the original, beginning at the upper left-hand comer and continuing from left to
tight in equal sections with small overlaps,
Photographs included in the original manuscript have been reproduced
xerographically in this copy. Higher quality 6" x 9" black and white photographic
prints are available for any photographs or illustrations appearing in this copy for
an additional charge. Contact UMI directly to order.
Bell & Howell Information and Learning 300 North Zeeb Road, Ann Arbor, MI 48106-1346 USA
THE PERSONALPROFESSIONAL LIVES OF WOMEN EDUCATORS
Florence Georgina Down Samson
A thesis submitted in conformity with the requirements
for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy
Department of Curriculum. Teaching. and Learning
Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the
University of Toronto
O copyright by Florence Georgina Down Samson ( 1998)
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The PersonaVProfessionat Lives of Women Educators
The Degree of Doctor of Philosophy
1998
Florence Georgina Down Samson
Centre for Teacher Development
Department of Curriculum. Teaching. and Learning
Ontario Institute for Studies in Education
of the
University of Toronto
Abstract
In this narrative inquiry into the integration of the personal/professionai lives of women
educators, I use story to investigate the experience of five women educators who live the life of
family and career. I present my account of this inquiry through autobiographical field texts.
restoried narratives of participants' lives. and a narrative account of the research process. The
interweaving of these three strands illuminates the "split~diIernma~conflict" encountered in the
integration of personal and professional life. Throughout this thesis narrative is presented as
both phenomenon and methodology.
I base my interpretation of field texts in my experience and that of the participants. It is
supported by literature from the disciplines of education and women's studies. The
interpretation of these stories of our lives involves exploration of the societal, historical, and
cultural contexts in which we live and shows the reciprocal relationship which exists between
us and these contexts. My interpretation of this study suggests that the split/dilernma/conflict
experienced by participants is gender specific and inherent in our society. The interpretations of
readers will be based in their experience.
For me. this narrative inquiry has been a catalyst to a Life of awakenings and transformations
for we live and tell our lives through story and. in the telling. learn new ways of living. The
narrative process led me. from what I consider personaYprofessiond isolation. into community
~v i th others where I discovered the commonalities and differences of experience. In community
I came to know others' stories of living the life of family and career and to realize that change is
necessary and possible. Therefore, this inquiry has significance for: curriculum development at
all levels of the education system; policy-making within society's organizations: and the living
and t e h g of our personal and professional stories. My thesis contributes to conversation.
research. and literature by illuminating the split/dilemma/conflict in the lives of women who
live the life of family and career. Its objective is to bring about change in the understanding and
living of our stories as women educators and in the stories which we live with our students,
Acknowledgments
I wish to thank my children. Paul. Roger. and Andrea, who inspired me to study for the M-Ed-
degree. and remained my most ardent fans and supporters as I made the academic journey: my
late father. Frederick Down. who, with great pride and delight, teasingly called me "His little
school mar'm" and my mother. Marie, who sacrificed so I could have both school and music
education: my sister. Elizabeth. who supported and believed in me even when I did not believe in
myself: my two brothers. Roger. who talked for hours about education. and David. who was
a l ~ v a y s there to help when I needed him: and my long-departed paternal grandfather. Lancelot
Down. who made Math and Spelling such fun and my grandmother. Florence. who provided
space. place, love. and affirmation for me. her first grandchild; and my maternal grandparents
whose love of music was passed on to me through my Mother.
Professionally there are many to whom I owe gratitude: those teachers who by example
persuaded me to follow in their footsteps. particularly the late Nancy King and the late Lloyd
French; the students and colleagues with whom I have been privileged to teach and learn; the
members of my Joint Centre for Teacher Development community during my residency and
thesis-writing years: my Thesis Committee. Johan Aitken. F- Michael Connelty (Thesis
Supervisor). and Dorothy Smith; Marion Blake. friend and mentor; friends, colIeagues, and
Shortly after entering the professional knowledge landscape of graduate studies and the
Foundations of Education Course I became concerned about the ethics of narrative33 I
wondered whether or not I had the right to tell my narrative because my stories were
intertwined with those of others with whom I was in or out of relationship. 1 did not want to
injure them. I felt I could and should exercise some moral control and respect for others. I also
had to consider and critique myself and my stories. I did not realize the danger in telling my
own stories until my reading of Crites ( 1979) who introduced me to the idea of self-deception
in the art of narrative. Would I unconsciously shape my narrative " . . . so as to make them [the
knowable facts] add up to a story that is perhaps more favourable to the teller [me] than some
other story that might be constructed from the same facts" (p. 120)?
Would the act of deceiving others be "ancillary to the chief aim of deceiving oneself' (Crites,
1979. p. 123) about the life whch I had lived and continue to live? What part would uuth-
telling and self-deception play in the writing of my narrative. in my recollection of past
experience'! Would I write a cover story. while hiding the secret story of my attempts to Lead
the sacred story. thereby deceiving myself and others. or would I write a true story'? Was it
possible to write a true story? Would I discover the actual motivating story of my life'? If I did.
would I admit it. or change it (Crites. 1979)? Would my participants also have to deal with this
same problem'? How would it affect them? How would it affect my inquiry?
4 2 Dickson ( 1998) devotes a chapter of her Ph-D. dissertation to the discussion of ethics in narrative
methodology.
Narrative inquiry made me very uncomfonable. for it did not conform to my traditional
perception of academic research. Consequently, I struggled with the concept of narrative and
pondered its academic worth. Narrative methodology invited me to take a new look at
knowledge. truth. and experience. I no longer enjoyed the sense of protection which empirical
research offered. the comfort and security of being absolutely right or wrong. Objectivity, the
absolute of scientific research. is not a criterion for narrative inquiry. Experience is messy. It
does not fit into neat little blocks. Risk-taking and vulnerability are essentials of narrative
inquiry for
Experience is slippery: it is difficult to operationalize: it eludes factual description of
manifest behaviour. Experience is what people undergo, the kinds of meanings they
construe as they teach and learn, and the personal ways in which they interpret the
worlds in which they live. (Eisner cited in Connelly, 1988, p. ix)
In recognizing experience, narrative gives voice to those previously silenced in research, for it
recognizes the traditionally ignored and unmentioned relationship which exists between
researcher and participant. Narrative allows researchers and participants to look together,
within their own experience. in search of knowledge and uuth. to situate themselves within the
research rather than outside it. Narrative inquiry creates a bridge between theory and practice.
Whereas academic research begins with the theories and theorists of the academy. narrative
research begins with the experience, theoretical base. and biases of the researcher, but values
the experience of the practitioner. In valuing both theory and experience. narrative inquiry
threatens the hierarchical order for it regards knowledge not as content residing only with the
experts. outside the knower. but as an integrd part of the knower, within the self. As I
struggled with narrative. a multitude of questions came to mind. Narrative disturbed me. and
disruption is fertile ground for growth.
Makinp the Commitment: Situatin~ Mvself Within Narrative
Narrative inquiry had been the vehicle for researching and writing my personaVprofessional life
narrative. In attempting to interpret or understand my personal/professionaI narrative I became
aware of feminist issues such as the social construction of gender and how i t has impacted and
continues to impact upon my life, relationships, and profession. It is natural that this inquiry is
driven by my experience and by my emotional. spiritual. and c o e ~ t i v e needs to know if there
are. indeed. alternate ways to live the life of family and career. In order to better understand my
own experience. I needed to go to the experience of others. I therefore chose narrative inquiry
to explore the personal/professional lives of four other white female Canadian educators. In
time I would learn that "[m]ethodological convictions are not only guidelines for the conduct of
inquiry: they are political doctrines that ineluctably shape the ways in which the world is seen
as well as described (Eisner. 1992, p. 5). In making my private story public I was becoming
political. My method of inquiry was shaping my political doctrine and the way I acted upon my
world.
Conversations with friends and colleagues and the reading of feminist literature led me to
believe that my experience of the world was not unique. Yet I could find little in the literature
which dealt with the experience and resolution of the split/dilemmakonflict inherent in the
integration of family and career. It appeared that in telling my story and that of my participants.
I would be confirming or resonating the stories of some of my colleagues. Our stories also
resonated with men, for on learning of my thesis topic, the father of a young child who
attended my summer kindergarten offered to become a participant in my study. He had just
completed a Ph.D. in physics and had seen little of his son during the previous two years. He
said he was plagued with guilt about being absent during that very important time in his child's
life. Each day he came to the kindergarten and lingered. I invited him to stay. for I knew he
was trying to ease his guilt. to make up for lost time. His story resonated with my own. The
resonance of our experiences was heard across the gender divide.
As a result of this father's interest in my study I considered including men. Ultimately,
however. I decided to include only female participants, for my primary interest for the purpose
of this thesis is the female response to the personaVprofessiond dilemma. Despite the hectic
lives they lead. and the time demands of this study, many female educators offered to
accommodate my research. Many said they had had little opportunity in their lives to share their
stories. to reflect upon their lives, and to bring about desired change. The participants in this
inquiry welcomed the opportunity which this research offered for reflection.
To guide my inquiry I needed a committee. My thesis supervisor had already been determined
by my choice of methodology. I needed two other members whose work would influence and
inform my research. The formation of my committee in the spring of 1992 was a joyous
occasion for I had the members of my choice: Johan Aitken, F. Michael Connelly (my thesis
supervisor). and Dorothy Smith. Their strengths and scholarship would support me on my
journey. I happily remember the day on which one member telephoned the Parenting Centre.
where I worked part-time. to tell me that my pre-proposal statement of research was interesting
and significant. I was new to women's studies, still trying to find my way, just as I was in
narrative. I gathered my courage and asked if she would become a member of my committee.
To my delight and surprise she agreed. I put the receiver back on the hook. turned to Debbie
Gordon. one of the parents. and shared my good news as I danced her around the room. I
could not contain my happiness. All three members were my first choices. although I had
wished that the protocol had allowed for four since there was another professor whom I felt
could have contributed to my journey. My thesis committee was in place. My formal thesis
journey had begun.
Works In Pro~ress: A Testing of the Waters
My thesis topic had been confirmed by committee members. What would be the reaction of my
classmates? Opportunity to find out was provided by the JCTD-sponsored Works-in-Progress
(WIP) seminars. These forums, in which doctoral students inform one another of their thesis
research. are a critical component of the thesis process. During the one and a half-hour
sessions. students present a summary of their research by outlining the topic. method. and
progress to date. The questions and comments following the presentation. and the written
comments and reflections received in the days after. are catalyst to the presenter's continuing
progress and to the enlightenment of those in the audience. It is not unusual for students who
have been experiencing writer's block to proceed energetically with thesis writing following a
WIP seminar.
As a new student I had attended each WIP session. The atmosphere was such that even I could
ask questions. Several weeks after I had attended a session given by Carol. who was nearing
the end of her thesis writing, I received a letter from her. She explained that at the time of her
presentation she had been experiencing writer's block. It had been weeks since she had been
able to write. In her letter she thanked me fcx participating in her WIP seminar and included a
chapter which she had written since returning home. She explained that she was driven to write
this by the particular questions I had asked and the comments I had made. Although at the time
I could not believe what I was reading, I, too, have been motivated by the comments and
questions of others. For me, this a f f m s the importance of being able to share your inquiry
process and progress-to-date with others. The WIP seminar ensured that I did.
My WIP presentation in the Spring of 1992 confirmed my topic. Since I was investigating
"The PersonaVProfessional Lives of Women Educators," I began the presentation by
performing a magic trick. I wanted those attending to see and experience a visible and tactile
representation of the concepts of illusion and reality which I felt were basic to my work. The
oral and written comments and questions which I received following my session resonated my
experience of integrating family and career, confirmed my topic. and extended my thinking.
Particioants: Enterin? Each Other's Lives Through Stories
Once my thesis purpose was established and my journey charted. I had to negotiate entry into
the experience of others. decide who I would invite to participate in my study, and formulate
how I would extend the invitation. present my work. and create the atmosphere in which we
could develop the relationship necessary to narrative inquiry. I chose to invite four experienced
women educators whom I considered colleagues and friends and whose professional
commitment and dedication I admired. The fact that they were at different stages of their careers
would give me a sense of how the relationship between the personal and the professional
evolves over time. I informed them of my intention to explore our personaVprofessional
narratives. the stories we tell of combining family and career. Since each of the participants
was married and had family commitments I expected to hear stories of split/dilemma/conflict in
integrating family and career.
The participants and I discussed the intent of my inquiry and signed the contractual letters of
intent which are part of the ethical review required by the Faculty of Education to ensure
confidentiality and protect the identity of participants. Following my WIP seminar I included
another participant who presents an interesting contrast to the other participants and increases
our awareness of how we, as individual women. respond to the demands of our lives. Initially.
I had a total of five participants. However. because of time constraints. I eventually decided to
reduce the number to four. Since reflection upon my own experience of personal and
professional tension motivated me to pursue this topic. my own story is interwoven.
The participants in this study have served in a variety of positions within the education system:
classroom teacher. parent worker. subject specialist, ministry consultant, member of teacher
union staff. contract negotiator, curriculum developer. school trustee. computer technologist.
university professor. beginningteacher educator. supervisor of interns. arid
teacher/administrator. In 1993, the ages of participants ranged from 37 to 58, the duration of
their careers from 15 to 30 years. During the study several participants have changed careers.
There has been no change in marital status. Three of the four participants have children. Each
female educator brings a unique perspective to this study as a result of educational experience.
employment history. geography. interests. and personal experience. All are recognized as
experts in their fields. have undertaken responsibility beyond that required by their positions,
and have received recognition at provincial- national andlor international levels.
Gathering data. The process of gathering data was interesting and varied. I gathered data
from interviews, conversations. letters. and e-mail messages. I observed several of the
participants in their daily routines, attended their workshops and presentations, heard their
family stories, and saw the personal and professional mementos which connected them to the
stories which they told me. Participants provided access to their personal, professional. and
academic writing. Some participants created a parallel time line denoting personal history.
parallel professional involvement. and the relationship between the two. The writing of the time
lines was followed by a writing or telling of their narratives. depending on the participant's
level of comfort. As these writings complemented the interviews a more complete picture of
each person evolved and illuminated the narrative threads in their individual lives and the
common themes across their lives. There was a sense of the "whole of an individual's life from
his or her point of view'' (Connelly. Clandinin, and He. 1997, p. 668).
The interviews. Participant-oriented interviews were held at various times and locations at
the mutual convenience of participant and researcher. Conversations were usually recorded and
transcribed. One participant initially declined my request to have our conversations taped
although we had talked for days. She preferred to write her narrative and mail it to me after I
left her home. However. she permitted taping of subsequent interviews and later provided
some details which were missing in her narrative by writing yet another account. On a number
of occasions I contacted participants by telephone to discuss data and to negotiate meaning.
As the tapes were transcribed the locations of our interviews could often be determined. The
rattling of dishes and cutlery was sometimes audible as we and the other patrons at a nearby
restaurant ate early-morning or late-night meals. Sometimes the sounds of school or university
echoed in our tapes. At other times the often-interrupted quiet of a participant's office or the
solitude of someone's home was evident- The participants and I talked about our
personal/professional lives as we prepared meals. washed dishes. walked by the water, drove
to and from the airport. or rode the subway. The data became couched in our developing
friendships. for as we entered each others lives in a sharing of stories we also began to weave
our stories of researcher and participant in relationship.
I did not rely solely on transcripts of interviews for the truth of my participants' narratives. I
authenticated their narrative through the stories which we lived together. I visited participants'
places of employment. watched them work, met their families and colleagues. and stayed
overnight at some of their homes- h spending many hours with the participants. their
colleagues. and their families, I recognized an authenticity or a ring of truth in the stories they
told. I know them well and hope that in this study I neither judge them nor betray their
friendship. I wish to present their stories as both their tmth and the truth of my inquiry.
The interviews bordered on conversation. There was no formal interview schedule and
structure for I wanted the voice of the participants "to make the invisible visible" (Bateson.
1989. p. 5) . The unstructured interviews allowed participants to have control of the nature of
the persond/professional stories and life histories which they divulged. After the interviews
were transcribed in full I forwarded copies of the transcripts to participants for their review.
When they were returned I recorded the corrections which participants had made. I then
analyzed the transcripts. recorded the themes. and selected from the transcripts those excerpts
which I considered relevant to this thesis. As I did so. I discovered themes throughout
participants' lives. themes across their lives. and resonances from their stories to mine.
Using the excerpts from the transcripts as my basis I began the process of reconstructing the
narrative of each participant. As I reconstructed the several draft copies of the life narrative of
each participant, I supported my work with the literature. I sent each new drafi of the
reconstructed narrative to the individual participant in order to negotiate with her my perceived
meanings and my interpretations of her stories. Certain points required more in-depth
exploration. Participants gave me feedback face-to-face. over the phone, enclosed in letters, or
written in the margins of my original text. The excerpts of the transcripts which are included in
the main body of this thesis appear with the participants' permission. At various times
throughout the writing of this thesis, my enthusiasm and sense of purpose were rekindled by
conversations with several dear friends and colleagues. I taped and then transcribed some of
these conversations. Reading these transcripts gave me further insight into myself and my
study.
1 supplemented the interviews with information from other sources: fieldnotes, personal and
professional writing, stories of home and school. artifacts contributed by participants. and
visits to participants' personal and professional knowledge landscapes. I have come to know
their families and friends. I have analyzed and interpreted these sources of information under
the conceptual terms-in-progress of narrative inquiry used in the research of Connelly and
Clandinin: images, metaphors. principles. rules and philosophies.
Our stories: What can and cannot be told? During the interviews numerous stories
were told and, on occasion, participants asked me to turn off the tape recorder. Particular
stories. although readily shared, were not for inclusion in the thesis. Later. both the participant
and I read the transcripts and reconstructed narratives to ensure that the stories and details did
not reveal either her identity or the identities of people she discussed in her stories.
Pseudonyms were used and details of stories were changed where necessary to protect
identities. I have omitted the names of the institutions where my participants have worked and
studied. the provinces where they have lived and been employed, their fields of study, and rhe
rewards which they have received. Participants and I conferred to avoid any misunderstanding
or misrepresentation of them and their stories. Before submitting my final draft I sent
participants their individual chapters and my Chapters Ten and Eleven for their approval.
Since thesis is both process and product. I include in this study an account of the research and
writing processes. The thesis process which results in the writing of this text is, itself, an
example of that very act of integrating the personal and professional. As a doctoral student I
used narrative inquiry to delve into my own experience and to make sense of my actions within
the context of my life as lived on the personal and professional knowledge landscapes. By
exploring my personal practical knowledge and the images and metaphors which I use to
describe that knowledge and experience. I make meaning of the world of my experience. In
doing so. 1 gain a sense of temporality. of my past, present and future; of who I am, who I
have been. and who I can become. I gain some understanding of why and where I presently
am. for
Narrative enrichment occurs when one retrospectively revises. selects. and orders past
details in such a way as to create a self-narrative that is coherent. and satisfying and that
will serve as a justification of one's present condition and situation. (Barthes. 1992.
p. 106)
Sha~ins? the data and chapters. I envisioned three possibilities for using the information
contained in the interview transcripts. One possibility was to discuss the stories of participants
collectively as they related to specific topics and to introduce excerpts from the transcripts to
support or deny the points under discussion. I decided against this for I felt it was critical to
have the voice of each participant heard in the telling of her own story rather than contained
within a collage of voices where the individuality of the participant would be lost.
The second possibility for using the interview transcripts was to speak to the themes with
reference to the narrative. but without including excerpts, and to put the narratives in an
appendix. I chose not to do this. for I did not want to discuss participants under selected
themes. presenting them as fragmented individuals, using the pieces of their stories. but not the
whole. The placement of the reconstructed narratives in an appendix would not give
participants the recognition and the prominence which I felt they deserved.
The third possibility, and my choice. was to place each life narrative within its own chapter.
Therefore. Chapters Six to Nine contain the reconstructed life narratives of participants. Since
each reconstructed narrative contains many excerpts from the original transcript, the
participant's voice is prominent in each chapter. I have structured each individual narrative as a
chronological account of each life. This provides you, the reader. with a sense of who each
person is and presents an opportunity for you to become aware of the narrative unities
throughout the life of each participant. I leave my interpretation of participants' for subsequent
chapters.
Interpretation. Since my experience as a woman is fluid and not easily packaged, I chose a
narrative methodology to explore my topic. In choosing my methodology I chose my method
of interpretation for as Schick ( 1994) reminds us, ''h the methodology the interpretation has
already begun." When my own narrative was written and reflected upon within the luxury of a
graduate program, I constructed and studied it from a chronological perspective. Consequently.
I arranged the stories of participants in this study chronologically. I did this in order to
illuminate the layered experiences and events in a life, its cultivation over time, the awakenings
inherent in disruption and education. and the transformation which can follow.
The cumulative effect of androcentric hegemony becomes evident through the cIxonological
ordering of participants' stories. It becomes apparent as we progress from the narrative of
childhood's private world of family and religion. through schooling, to entry into the teaching
profession. There. as teachers. we take responsibility for carrying from one generation to the
next that which is deemed as civilization. heritage. knowledge. scholarship, and appropriate
social relations.
As I present each narrative as a separate chapter the individual differences of participants
become evident. Within each narrative I include intermittent resonances, autobiographical
stories or comments as my personal response to some particular story of a participant's
experience. Sometimes my comments or stories echo those of the participant. Then there is
resonance. Sometimes there is dissonance as our stories reflect different experiences and
thinking. Resonance may be heard from story to story in an individual's narrative. across
collective narratives. or from participants' stories to the stories of you, the reader. The
inclusion of resonances and dissonances highlights some aspect of split/dilemma/conflict in the
lives of participants. Through the stories and resonances. I highlight different dilemmas in
each life narrative. As you read, you may discover the narrative threads throughout a life or the
themes across the lives of participants.
The resonances or stories and comments included in each chapter are followed by questions,
many of which I ask in an attempt to come to terms with the course of my life and the lives of
other women. I include these questions within the individual narratives not only to prepare
you. the reader. for the interpretation and discussion which follow in Chapters Ten and Eleven.
but to engage you in reflection upon issues related to your own life. Through this interplay of
each participant's narrative, the inserted resonances and dissonances. and the questions I pose.
I attempt to pull through this thesis the threads of the stories we weave. I also attempt to draw
you into the weave. As you read this thesis your own experiences may resonate or dissonate
with my experiences and those of the participants. You may disagree with or question what I
say. In the process. however. you may also gain what I seek-some further understanding of a
woman's life-for "Methodological convictions are not only guidelines for the conduct of
inquiry: they are political doctrines that ineluctably shape the ways in which the world is seen
as well as described" (Eisner, 1992, p. 5 ) .
Intermetine the Ex~erience: How and Whv Do We Seek to Understand It
What do we want from each other
after we have told our stories
d o we want
to be healed do we want
mossy quiet stealing over our scars
d o we want
the all-powerful unfrightening sister
who will make the pain go away
the past be not so
(Audre Lorde, 1986, in Rich, 1986)
Knowledge is neither objective. neutral. nor value free (Ursula Franklin. 1992, in Better Idea
Book, p. 7). My knowledge and personal biases are based on my experience. They influence
all aspects of my research: my purpose. choice of topic. method of inquiry. analysis, and
interpretation. They extend to recommendations which I make for change and questions I pose
for further research. Another researcher would take the same facts and narrative reconstructions
of these personaUprofessional lives and interpret them differently. for our individual and
collective biases come through in everything we do.
Afier assembling the transcripts and field text, 1 read and reread the materials and began to
analyze the gathered and generated data for emerging themes. I noted these on file cards and
clustered the related themes. I noted the narrative unities and themes, and chose those sections
of the transcripts md fieldnotes which I considered relevant to the topic.
In my analysis of participants' stories I focused upon and included those excerpts which related
to my purpose thereby informing or illuminating my topic. I have used "an interpretive
framework [that of narrative forms] which allows us [me] explicitly to understand how women
themselves interpreted their own life experience" (Personal Narratives Group (PNG), 1989, p.
13): "that of context. narrative form. narrator-interviewer relations- ... and truths ... [each] a
different lens through which to view a life story" (PNG. p. 13- 14). I also "direct my attention
to the origins. contexts. and consequences of the stories" (Tavris. 1992, p. 330).
In telling our stories we are taking risks-making ourselves vulnerable in at least two ways.
The first is in breaking the rule of privacy which always has silenced women both at home and
at school. The second is in breaking the stereotypes of our womanhood. The telling of our
stories reveals the realities of our lives and destroys our images. I censor stories that make the
participants and me particularly vulnerable. There are places in our stories and our lives where
we. as yet. are not prepared to go. Neither my participants nor I wish to tell the intimate details
of our lives. Why? It may be due to the possibility of being identified or of being disloyal to
someone. It may be that we feel that such disclosure in an academic context is inappropriate.
There might be some reluctance to tell the secret stories, the ones which may change from day
to day and relationship to relationship. What do we have Left when we give our stones? The
reasons for including or censoring our stories are many and complex. We are still learning to
speak our woman's experience of the world.
The literature. This inquiry is supported by a review of the literature from many areas, but
predominantly from the disciplines of education and women's studies. In the beginning!
readings required for my classes directed me to much of the literature. Through class
discussions. conversations with friends and colleagues, and my own searching. I discovered
other pertinent literature. Early in my literature search. I visited a nearby book store to obtain
literature on the integration of the personaVprofessional. only to be told that there was no book
pertaining to that issue. The request was made that I hurry my research and write it.
My exploration of the literature brought me to many books and articles which explain the
patriarchal influences in our society and suggest reasons why women experience the world as
we do. None specifically addressed the personal/professionaI problems which I had
experienced as a female educator. However, there were a number of researchers and writers.
mostly women. reinterpreting their disciplines-looking at them from the standpoint of
woman--attempting to add a feminist perspective to the male-as-normative world views
expressed by the men in their particular subject areas. When writing the thesis. I chose not to
devote an entire chapter to the literature but to intersperse it throughout as needed, for I did not
want to interfere with the narrative flow, or sense of story. I wove quotations from the
literamre throughout the text and used footnotes to explain and comment further where
required.
In undertaking this inquiry, I did not set out to prove a theory. but to create an awareness or
consciousness of what 1 hear in my stories and those of other women about our lives and the
contexts in which we live them. I do this with the intention that our stories may contribute to a
conversation whch will be a catalyst for change. For "[iln these collective endeavours. women
lay claim to the importance of their partial and particular knowledge'' (Schick, 1994, p. 29). In
doing this. participants and I bring the personal to the public. and the public to the political.
Significance and im~lications of this study. After sharing our stories we have to
consider that "The question of what we do want beyond a 'safe space' is crucial to the
differences between the individualistic telling with no place to go and a collective movement to
empower women" (Rich. 1986. p. x). The significance and implications of this study are based
on my interpretations of how the stories of my integration of family and career and those of
Patricia. Beth. Stephanie, and Catherine can inform teaching and learning. I discuss these
implications in Chapter Eleven.
The Writing Process: First You Write. Then You Craft
The actual writing of a thesis draft is a challenge in itself. My personaL/professional narrative
was catalyst to my research. My proposal was the link to investigating the questions which
presented themselves in my reflection upon my personaVprofessiona1 experience. As I moved
towards writing the thesis I reread the papers and journals which I had completed since
beginning doctoral studies, for it was within these that the seeds of my thesis had been planted.
As the compositions increased in number and size. I began to think of the shape of the work. I
remember kneeling on my living room floor and making a flow chart in an attempt to imagine
the movement of my thesis from point A to point B. The writing, however. did not actually
happen this way. I wrote many pieces and eventually tried to organize them in a variety of
ways. At this stage of my thesis journey. I was totally unaware that much of what I considered
thesis writing was not. Even though my supervisor had endorsed it as quality writing, it was
actually part of the process through which I had to go before writing what would eventually
become thesis chapters. In writing and rewriting, I was clarifying and articulating my thoughts.
Each rewrite brought me closer to the completed thesis. Eventually, I felt the need to put my
extensive collection of writing together in some organized form. I bought a one-inch binder.
Placing the pages of my thesis into a binder was a very important step for me. My writing
finally had a physical form. It was recognizable as a book-pages held between two covers
which signified a beginning and an end. I would later discover the difficulty of bringing
closure to my writing-my attempt to contain my curriculum/my life-between the coven of a
book. Upon reflection I realized that part of the problem was the academic requirement to
contain within a text the life which I was living and studying. However. the topic and the
confines of the book do not si=glify the end of the narrative I live. The thesis is a snapshot of
my life at this moment in time. a chapter from the larger narrative (Fleck. personal
communication. 1 998 ).
I prepared the first table of contents and included my ever-increasing bibliography. I read
voraciously and eventually wondered if I were using my reading as a delay tactic. As time
passed and my thesis evolved. the size of my binders increased. Then came the time to divide
the work into chapters. At first 1 was satisfied to divide the chapters with coloured sheets or
post-its. But after seeing a friend's more-advanced draft in which the chapters were separated
by numbered cardboard dividers. I bought a similar set. Each step brought me closer to the
final physical form. to another significant place on my journey to the bound edition.
Presentation of the work became increasingly important. I needed to move beyond the typing to
consider the presentation. format, and style of my final draft. and to consider the requirements
for binding and microfiche copying.
But the greater challenge remained. for C was now entering the process of crafting the thesis.
giving it a shape. a wholeness. a final literary form. The thesis-writing process proved
recursive. particularly in the crafting stages. I moved beyond checking for grammatical and
spelling mistakes to seeing the process and the text as a whole. I became the weaver
contemplating the patterns which I would follow in my thesis tapestry. I worked to make sure
that there were smooth transitions from chapter to chapter, section to section. and paragraph to
paragraph. I extended important concepts, checked the weaving through of the three strands of
inquiry. clarified thought and language. and ensured a natural progression from beginning to
end. Sometimes deletion was necessary and painful as days of work disappeared or were put
aside with a one-second command to the computer. However. when reflecting upon those first
attempts to put thoughts and feelings into text form. black on white in that first drafr. I realize
that the process was necessary to move my thinking to where it needed to go in order to weave
my work into a meaningful whole. To assist in this. I used my adviser's suggestion of colour
coding, a different colour for each strand of my inquiry. I was again using my Kindergarten
materials. Technology helped. The process was time-consuming and frustrating. It seemed like
it would never end and I felt guilty because I was not finished. the following journal entry
shows how 1 attempted to deal with the situation.
When people inquire about my progress, the^ invariably ask. "How long have orc been
working on this thesis?" Having to respond was discowaging until one evening recently when
I srrddetzl~. found trqpselfsqving, "I'm notfinished. Brit then, rn? thesis. like good wine, is
aging. " I thortght that was n good analogy, for in my experience, the thesis, like wine, requires
a period of fermentation before being ready for public consrrmption. If I@d rhe question about
r n ~ thesis particrclarly annoying and really want the inquirer to understand the task which I haw
rtndertaken. I sametimes ask rvhet/zer s h e has written n letter of application recent[?, atzd then
iuquirr us to how long it rook to do so. The answer is usrraliy, "A couple of days" at which
point I I-eply. "hnngitre writing 300 pages about a topic which yoit have to research first, and
tl~ert irttrrpret. At lenst when yore are tvriting a letter of clpplicntion you know rhe subject!" They
respond, " I hadn't thought of it that way, " and the marter drops (Samson. Fall. 1997).
The late completion of a thesis also has a bearing on the data and its collection, for, between the
gathering of the data and the writing of the thesis. the lives of researcher and participants
continued to evolve. Under ordinary circumstances this may have meant my having to return to
the worlds of my participants to become aware of how their lives were evolving. However. the
friendships which we developed have continued, and because of this the research has been kept
current. The late completion has also meant additional reflection upon the life I myself have
lived since completing my residency.
Chapter Four
Post Residencv: Livin the ThesisfAttemptine to Write It
What other people. real or imaginary. do and think and feel--or have done and thought
and felt--is an essential guide to our understanding of what we ourselves are and may
become. The story is one of the basic tools invented by the mind . . . for the purpose of
gaining understanding. (Ursula Le Guin in Stories and Storytelling in Values and
Visions Circles. Vol. 1, No. 3, p. 1)
The very act of storytelling, of arranging memory and invention according to the
structure of the narrative is holy . . . . We tell stories because we can't help it. We tell
stories because we love to entertain and hope to edify. We tell stories because they fill
the silence death imposes. We tell stories because they save us. (James Carroll in The
Communion of Saints in Stories and Storyteiling. in Values and Visions Cirdes. Vol.
I . No. 3. p. 1)
Post Residency and the Weaving of a Thesis
This chapter is the story of my post-residency period from 1992 until the present time. a period
which I call "Living the Thesis/Attempting to Write It." I have three reasons for including it.
First. this thesis addresses the integration of personaVprofessional life. and the writing of this
thesis is an example of that very integration. Chapter Four tells the story of my life as I
attempted to write the thesis.
The chapter is written in a semi-journal form highlighting some of the events of the last six
years. The entries are intended to give the reader a sense of my post-residency period: the
milieu in which I lived and worked as I struggled to integrate my thesis writing into an already
busy life as teacher/adminis~ator. It alludes to my unsuccessful attempts to complete my thesis
while living on this particular professional knowledge landscape. This chapter shows the
fragmentation of a woman's life---the problems I perceived I faced while attempting to
accommodate both my personal and professional life.
Second. my experience of the post-residency period is not unique. This chapter resonates the
experience of many of the women whom I have met since entering the doctoral program:
women who readily shared their stories of returning to family and career before completing the
thesis requirement. In this post-residency reality the two-way split of family and career
becomes a three-way split (Blake. personal communication. 1998) of family. career. and
thesis. It is my belief that during thls three-way split many of these female doctoral students
become estranged from their thesis writing as responsibilities of family and career demand their
time and attention. These students search. just as I did, for blocks of time in which to write.
Sometimes they never find them.
Third. my thesis is also an inquiry into the process of narrative methodology. The process of
writing a thesis takes the researcher. through a particular methodology. from a perceived
problem to inquiryhvestigation which leads to possible resolution of that problem and the
posing of fiuther questions. Thesis writing can be an objectified and external process. in which
the researcher interacts with the topic and research participants in a distant and rational manner.
or it can be a process which involves the subjective and personal, affects the researcher self and
the personal self. and leads to personal professional transformation.
To make meaning of a narrative thesis we need an understanding of the context or the
professional knowledge landscapes on which the thesis is written. The methodology.
therefore. needs to include not only the steps which one has taken to generate and make
meaning of the data but a sense of the context in which the thesis process takes place. The
making of a thesis journey requires periods of time for reflection and writing. The amount of
time available for such activities is dependent upon the context of the writer's life- In narrative
inquiry. the methodology is not pre-designed. but constructed by the researcher in the process
within a particular context. Writing a thesis within a context located on the professional
knowledge landscape of the JCTD at OISE is a very different experience from that of writing
within a context of teaching and living on my landscape of educational reform within my
particular school and the school system in which I worked in St. John's. My context as 1
embarked upon this thesis journey was one of supportive graduate-school community. The
context during the writing process is one of isolation. far removed From the academic milieu of
graduate school. I was in an either/or situation. Within the academic landscape of OISE I was
removed from my personal life. When at home in St. John's I was removed from the academic
milieu. When I was in one place my commitments in the other were neglected. I felt tom by
my loyalties to family and career. There was no way to bring them together. I lived what I
considered a fragmented existence. The very split/dilemrna/conflict which I was exploring was
a constant throughout the inquiry and the thesis writing.
It is not surprising that I would conclude that if narrative inquiry is truly a way of making
meaning, of awakening us from acculturation and moving us towards transformation. the
which the narrativist lives and writes the narrative has to be understood. This chapter.
therefore. highlights the context and its effect upon thesis writing, resonates the stories of other
female doctoral students, and shows the struggle whch I endure in moving towards
transformat ion.
Sims of Transformation
This chapter is on-going for it is a journal of my living the thesis/attempting to write it. On
March 2 1. 1998. as I reflected upon my life since beginning doctoral studies. I suddenly found
myself corning from a different perspective. Until then. each time I reflected upon the post-
residency experience ( 1992 to the present) I became upset and angry with myself. I criticized
myself for having an unfinished thesis after a six-year period during which, for almost five
years. I had been teacher/administrator. I had let myself forget that even the students who
remain full-time at OISE after completing the two-year residency take several years to complete
the thesis. An additional two years as a full-time student was not an option for me. and in the
almost five years following my residency I accomplished much as a teacher/adrninistrator.
However. I remembered only the emptiness and incompleteness of an unfinished thesis.
During the last several years I have learned not to mention that I am writing my thesis for I find
it embarrassing when I have to admit that I began in 1992 and have not yet finished. My
unfinished thesis affects my personal relationships. It has gotten to the point where even my
family's impatience is weighing me down. There have been moments when I have considered
abandoning the thesis and being satisfied with the Ph.D. (abd) designation. Those thoughts are
pushed aside when I think that what I am saying needs to be said, and that if I do not say what
I need to say I will not be true to myself, my experience, and those who have put their trust in
me. If I do not become a facilitator of change, my p i n and effort, and the effort of my
supporters. will have been in vain.
The writing of this account has made me realize that I have to look at what I have accomplished
in other areas during this period and not only at the incomplete thesis. Taking this new
perspective makes a difference as to how I feel about my thesis journey and, more importantly,
how I feel about myself. In meeting the demands of teaching and administration. I allowed
myself neither the time nor the space to focus on writing my thesis. I have equated the non-
completion of my thesis with failure and have neglected to acknowledge my success in other
areas. I did the same with my discontinued marriage. I struggle to keep to keep my new
perspective. to remain happy in the knowledge that I am moving towards the transformation of
my past and future experience.
The following pages are a semi-journalled account of some of the events which occwred as I
prepared to leave the sheltered environment of the JCTD during the intervening years. The
accounts give some insight into my life and the context in which I had thought naively that I
could find or make time to write a narrative thesis. I had no idea of what the process of
narrative inquiry would demand of me and those in relationship with me. Nor did I realize that
the writing component of this thesis was only the beginning. After the writing came the crafting
of the text itself.
L i v i n ~ On the Professional Knowled~e Landscape
Stavinp connected: September 1990--Sprine 1992. My original application for
doctoral studies was as an Ed.D. student. But after six weeks in the program I realized that one
year would not prepare me adequately for the position to which I aspired. that of teacher
educator. Before Christmas I transferred to the Ph.D. program and subsequently completed the
required two-year residency. As the end of my residency approached I prepared to return home
to resume my teaching career and begin what I suspected could become a very lonely thesis
journey. I grew fearful of leaving the supportive community in which I had studied and I
sought a way to remain connected.
I obtained permission to have a bulletin board placed in the JCTD and, on the table beneath it. a
separate folder for each current student. Photos would be reminders, to full-time students. of
those who. having finished the one- or two-year residency requirements and writing the theses
at home. were no longer able to enjoy the sense of intellectual community which permeated the
JCTD. Infomation beneath each photo would identify individual students, areas of interest.
and thesis topic. Current students would be invited to place inside the folders articles. the
names of books or other information related to the research interests of their absent colleagues;
information which they discovered while reviewing literature for their own inquiries. Contents
of the file folders would be mailed regularly, thereby ensuring that the absent students would
be supported by the JCTD community during the lonely thesis-writing journey. The JCTD
NewsletterU and ACT 45 Journal would also keep absent students informed and connected to
the Centre. My continued association with my academic community was assured. I prepared to
return to Newfoundland. confident that I would maintain a lifeline to the JCTD.
Return to Newfoundland. In May. I accepted a half-time position at an Ontario Faculty of
Education. received a letter of welcome. and met with the administrators of the program and the
person whom I was to replace in order to determine my duties and responsibilities. I would
supplement my income by continuing to work as a Research Officer at OESE.
Earlier in the spring of 1992. before accepting the position at the Ontario Faculty, I had applied
for the position of teacher educator which had been advertised by a university in the Atlantic
provinces as tenure track. subject to budget approval. Sometime later. I received a call from the
Dean telling me that funding had not been approved and asking if I would be interested in the
position as a one-year term contract. I informed him that I was, and several weeks later 1 was
offered the position at a rate of thirty-nine thousand per year, a rate which I was also offered by
the Faculty's Student Teaching Division to supervise interns. I declined this position for. at the
time. I wanted to teach. However. this full-time position of teacher educator was not to be for
the twelve-month period in which I would be required to teach for two semesters and research
1 A --. The JCTD Newsletter was a community strengthening newsletter published during the early nineties by
students of the Joint Centre for Teacher Development.
7 = -. - .Ac-T stands for the Arnons Teachers Community. Among Teachers is a journal of Experience and Inquiry.
sponsored hy the former Joint Centre for Teacher Development. now the Centre for Tcacher Development
(Ontario institute for Studies in Education/Faculty of Education, University of Toronto) and Centre for Teacher
Education and Development. (Faculty of Education. University of Alberta). It is pubIished four times per year.
&T stands for the Among Teachers Community.
and write for the third. Instead the one-year term and the saIary were pro-rated to an eight-
month period of teaching. This meant I could teach full time at this Faculty, but I would earn
exactly the same salary as the half-time position to which I had been appointed at the Ontario
Faculty of Education.
I could not afford to accept remuneration of twenty-six thousand dollars. I understood it to be
slightly above the poverty line for a family of four. I had just completed my two-year residency
and had spent those two years out of province with my daughter while my sons attended
university in Newfoundland. I needed to earn a salary commensurate with my education and
experience. one which wouid allow me to repay my student loans. When I questioned the
university's rate of pay. which was also less than half of what I would receive as an elementary
school teacher and administrator, I was told promptly that in order to earn a salary comparable
to that which I received as a teacher. my career at the university should have begun before I
was thirty years of age.
Like many women of my generation. my career path did not allow for graduate studies during
my child-bearing years. There was also the factor that in the early years of teaching I neither
considered teaching a career. nor myself a career woman. despite the fact that I was continually
engaged in professional development activities through Memorial University of Newfoundland
(MUN) and the NLTA. My teaching was my work outside the home, and I aspired to be the
best teacher I could be. I never considered administration as the next step even when, at the age
of twenty-seven. I was offered the principalship of a St. John's school. and declined because,
as the mother of a young child, I doubted my ability to set the example for the staff particularly
if my child were to become ill. I remained a teacher and enjoyed a lengthy and successfkl
career.
When I stressed to the Dean of Education the importance of my successfd, lengthy, and recent
teaching experience. he informed me that experience was not critical to the position of teacher
educator. I disagreed with him for I knew that when I had supervised teacher interns, during
my M.Ed. studies. the many stories of practice which 1 shared with teacher interns assisted
them in understanding some of the complexities of teaching. I, too, learned from the
experience. The Dean's disregard for my teaching experience was reflected in his comments
and the saiary which he offered me. The position to which I aspired after graduate school. that
of teaching pre-service teachers at a Faculty of Education. was not to be- LMy timing was off.
Educational reform and fiscal restraint interfered or changed the landscape on which I had
planned to teach. I could not afford to teach at the university. The s d a q was prohibitive. This
presented a barrier which I could not surmount. As a woman, I had access to graduate
learning, but my woman's career path as a teacher kept me from earning at the university a
salary which would allow me to support my family.
On the corner of Runnvmede and Bloor. At 9:30 a.m.. on a beautiful June day. I stood
in a half-enclosed telephone booth on the comer of Runnymede and Bloor and participated in a
forty-five minute interview for the position of vice-principal and teacher at a St. John's school.
On that last day of school. I was scheduled to finish a project at a West Toronto School.
However. when I arrived home late the previous evening. there was a message from the
superintendent of the St. John's School Board. from which I was on unpaid ieave. informing
me that he had scheduled a telephone interview with me for the following morning. I was to
call him to confirm that I had received his message. I considered this exuemeIy short notice.
but what could I do? Next morning, before leaving to complete my project, I called the
superintendent. informed him of my research obligation. and requested that he reschedule the
call. He said he could not.
As soon as I arrived at the research site. I shared my news with my teacherhesearch partner.
She informed the school administration of my predicament. and I was offered the use of the
principal's telephone. However. I did not want the tension of participating in a telephone
interview while knowing that as I occupied the office there were parents waiting to see the
principal and vice-principal about the student report cards which had been sent home on the
previous afternoon.
Consequently I left the school and made the ten-minute walk to the comer of Runnymede and
Bloor where I would place my call to the School Board from one of the two telephone booths.
Fifteen-hundred miles away. at the Board office, the four men who interviewed me enjoyed the
luxury of a conference call, a choice of sitting or standing, and the opportunity to make notes
and interpret each other's reactions to my answers. I had only their continuous questions and
the busyness of life outside my telephone booth--the roar of traffic. honking of horns. laughter
and shouts of children and parents. and conversations of storekeepers and customers at the
sidewalk market. I went into the telephone interview with a definite attitude. believing that I
was not a serious candidate. I was on leave from this Board. and, up to this late date, had not
been offered a position which would acknowledge my previous experience and my completion
of the two-year Ph.D. residency. It seemed as though I were designated. as were several of my
Ph-D. classmates. to return to classroom teaching.
As 1 walked to the telephone booth that morning, I could not understand my Board's lack of
consideration in forcing me to leave my research project to participate in an interview. During
the interview I felt as if I were detached--standing outside myself--listening to my answers.
The newly-appointed principal. Robert. was a member of the interview team. He was
impressed by my responses. but hesitant to hire me sight unseen. Before making his final
decision he wanted to meet me in person. When I went back to OISE next day and told my
friends about the interview one of them suggested that we return to the telephone booth next
day to take a picture. She felt I needed a memento of this most unconventional experience.
Several days after the interview I introduced myself to Robert when he visited Toronto. In
preparation for our meeting. since we did not know each other, I told him to look for an older
woman who was wearing a royal blue knapsack and walking at quite a brisk pace. Our half-
hour meeting at the Eaton's Centre lasted two hours. at the end of which he told me that I was
the preferred candidate. Unfortunately. despite our lengthy conversation. I had Little
understanding of the turmoil existing on the school landscape. When I returned to
Newfoundland in August I found myself engulfed in the middle of an unfolding drama.
Life in teachinp and administration The urge to go home was strong and when the St.
John's Board offered me the position of teacher/adrninistrator, I requested a release from the
Ontario Faculty and resigned from my position of research officer at OISE. I returned to
Newfoundland to put my personal life in order, to meet my commitments to the three-way split
of family. teaching, and thesis. However. my life became a four-way split when I accepted the
invitation to serve on several Cumculurn Development Committees at the Newfoundland
Department of Education, As someone who cares deeply about my profession, I wanted to help
facilitate change which would impact positively upon the lives of the teachers and students in
my province. I could not refuse the invitation and the Board was obliged to release me to attend
the cumculum meetings.
The Department recognized my ability to make a contribution. The Board did not. The Board's
promise to involve me in teacher development activities never materialized despite the fact that
my doctoral studies had given me educational experiences which could have been used to the
Board's advantage. I found this frustrating, for at that point in time neither the superintendent.
the assistant superintendents. nor the consultants had begun doctoral studies. My efforts and
new-found knowledge appeared invisible to the Board except as it applied to my original
appointment as teacherhdrninistrator.
As I reflect upon the four and one half years which I spent at this school. it appears that the
interview foreshadowed the treatment 1 received in the employ of this Board. When I left the
position in March 1997, Roben's successor verified how unconventional my appointment had
been. She told me that in her experience, it was only in highly unusual circumstances that the
Board would go outside the province to hire or appoint even those teachers who were already
in its employ but on study leave. It was her opinion that teachers and administrators working
for the Board in the spring of 1992, when the position was advertised, were aware of the
problems at the school and consequently did not apply.
Robert had been appointed in the face of great opposition. The staff and Parent Teacher
Association had wanted my predecessor to become principal. My challenge. as vice-principal
of the school. was to mediate between the three parties. to transform the present parents-and-
teachers versus principal fiasco into a working relationship. The Board. having insisted upon
Robert's to this school, left all concerned to resolve the problems without support.
Professional and personal survival became the goal for Robert, the secretary, and me. My
mediating skills were constantly tested and refined. An account written during the winter of
1994 (Connelly and Clandinin. in press). tells of the additional split/dilemrna/conflict which I
experienced in this split position.
Initially. 1 was very happy. I enjoyed the challenge of teaching and administration, and
channeled my energy into community building. I wanted to create a safe and inviting place for
students and teachers: for all connected with our school. One of the first things I did was
purchase large terra-cotta planters, fill them with five-foot-tall. healthy green plants. and place
them in the large glassed-in entrance and foyer. I wanted to make the school entrance a warm
and welcoming place. I also placed a large portable green board in the entrance. Each morning
as I drove the highway to the school. I sang. When I wasn't singing I was thinking, trying to
choose the most appropriate message to place on the green board to welcome all who entered
the school that day. In time. the morning greetings became an expected part of everyone's day.
It was evident from their comments that students. staff. and parents looked forward to my
messages. They became a topic of conversation. One morning. when I was not the first to
arrive at the school. several of the children realized I was not there and proceeded to write and
draw their own spirited message. I was delighted.
I took great care to thank teachers for their efforts and to mark special occasions and teacher
involvement in professional development activities. Notices from administration. placed in Ehe
staff rooms and halls. were colourf%lly decorated with my primary art and my signature of
thirteen flowers. I was attempting to create a professional knowledge landscape on which
teachers and students were respected and appreciated. I. myself, needed a sense of belonging.
a feeling of living in community. and wished to create such an environment for teachers.
students. and parents. The first staff meeting--the initial meeting of principal and teachers-was
a challenge. I was very conscious of the politics--that I was a negotiator and mediator between
a principal and staff who had not chosen to work together but who had been thrust upon one
another and left to deal with the aftermath of the Board's decision done.
During the week before school began. one of the female teachers who had opposed Robert's
appointment as principal came to inform me that she was very glad I had been appointed. She
expected I would be the calm in the stormy days to come. Neither she nor I had any idea of
what the storrn damage could be.
October 1992Dnvitation to ioin the Department of Education Curriculum
Develo~ment Committee. During a walk around Quidi Vidi Lake sometime in early
autumn I met the English Language Arts Consultant from the Department of Education. who
was unaware that I had returned from my studies. During our conversation she asked if I
would join her committee. I accepted happily and remained a member of that committee even
after the consultant. herself. pursued doctoral studies when her position was declared
redundant. During the next six years, my experience as a member of the Department of
Education Curriculum Committee provided the opportunity to review national and international
curriculum documents and also allowed me to share some of the knowledge gained in my study
of narrative inquiry and feminism. I would live my thesis, even though I could not make time
to write it-
December 1992/Mv pro~osal meetinp at OISE. My proposal had been in draft form
before I returned to Newfoundland. During the fall term I managed to complete the edits and
make the necessary changes. In December 1992 I returned to OISE for my proposal defense.
Friends at the JCTD knew I was coming and arranged a Newfoundland party. complete with
fried cod tongues. It was a homecoming: a confmation. My thesis proposal was accepted and
the necessary paperwork completed. I was ready to embark upon the next stage of the thesis
journey. As I left Toronto for home I felt motivated. enthusiastic. and confident. I did not
realize that my thesis would be on hold for the next five and a half years.
Swine 1993/Seekin~ communitv and the s u ~ p o r t of other administrators.
InductionJ6 of teachers and administrators was not part of my School Board's policy. and
consequently. the position of vice-principal was a lonely one. There were few. if any. activities
., - -' Induction includes orientation. and is the continued support which some boards provide for beginning
teachers (novrce. those appointed to new positions. and those returning to the profession after an absence). In an
idea1 situation. the Ministry of Education. Teacher Federation. Faculty of Education. School Board, School
which brought me together with other administrators. As a teacher I had always found
friendship among my teaching colleagues, but as a vice- principal I was tom between my
loyalties to principal and teachers- I was "living with one foot in teaching and one foot in
administration" (Robert. personal communication, 1993). To say that I experienced
split/dilemma/conflict is an understatement. In retrospect. I wonder how I could ever have
thought I could teach and write a thesis at the same time? Where could I have gotten such an
idea'? Were illusion and reality at play here?
Robert had been hurt by the active campaign to prevent h is appointment to the school. But the
School Board remained adamant that he should be there. We therefore continued to live in the
aftermath of this story and the impact was felt by the entire school community. What I
considered his pain and hostility due to the opposition to his appointment were evident to me
and Flo. the secretary. The three of us sometimes discussed the situation and its effect upon
our Iives and the Life of the school. It was very difficult to work in such an atmosphere. and I
continued to devote much of my time and energy to mediation and negotiation, to the neglect of
other tasks.
As mother and teacher. I experienced one split in living the life of family and career. In the role
of teacher/administrator I experienced another split. The responsibilities of half-time teacher
(remedial reading teacher. 1992-1994). and half-time administrator did not leave me time to
perform the duties of either position to my satisfaction. h reflection. I recognize that the
split./dilernrna~conflict inherent in the roles of teacher/administrator is similar to that which I
experienced when caught between the personal and professional loyalties which constantly
competed for my time. energy, and attention. My ideal images of administration and teaching,
Administration. experienced teachers. and beginning teachers. themselves. would share in the planning and
'mlms. devslopmenr o f such pro,
like my ideal images of mother and wife, were not realized, nor could they be. The split
position of teacherhdrninistrator was determined by the teacher allocation policies of the
Newfoundland Department of Education and could be changed only through contract
negotiations between the NLTA and the government of Newfoundland and Labrador. My
living of the role led me to believe that the creators of bureaucratic policies had little
understanding of life in the schools. Government policy appeared to be a sterilized version of
experience. This incongruity between educational policy and the day-to-day reality in schools
was another source of split/dilernma/conflict.
I experienced yet another split. for I was caught by my concerns for teachers and for the male
principal. to whom 1 promised trust and loyalty, I found myself repeating patterns so well
established in youth and marriage. In attempting to be loyal to both principal and teachers, I
made everyone's problems mine. I was also dealing with what is known as the empty nest
syndrome--my children were moving away from home. I did not know how to meet my own
needs--create my sanctuary. my place of replenishment--maybe I did not think it important
enough to do! I can now compare it to being caught between husband and children. When. in
the initial interview. the principal had told me that he expected trust. loyalty. and support from
me. I had laughingly told him that he was not looking for a vice-principal, but a marriage
partner. The words were prophetic for I soon learned that I brought who I was to both my
persond and professional relationships. Professiondly. I encountered the same
misunderstandings, the same struggles to have my experience acknowledged, as I had
experienced personally. for patriarchal influences pervade both the private and the public
domains of our lives.
Graduate school had made a definite difference to my world view. During M.Ed. studies at
MUN. an assertiveness-training course taught me that I had a right to speak. During doctoral
studies at OISE I found my voice and realized I had a responsibility to use it. I did not
anticipate that I would have to struggle to keep that voice when I returned to the school system
and that. at times. I would be silenced. As a member of the Curriculum Development
Committees. my voice was heard; my comments received. My voice was fairly audible at the
school also. However. being heard and heeded at the School Board level was another matter.
Finding my voice had caused me to question the way things were done. My questioning was
not appreciated at the Board office. Rather. it was dismissed. I was silenced. Not only was I
silenced. but on occasion I was chastised and punished. My woman's experience of graduate
studies went unrecognized. It was unimportant to those in control of the hierarchicaily-
structured SchooI Board. In graduate school, I was told that my questions had kept the
discussion honest. pushed it in other directions, kept it from becoming dogmatic. The School
Board hierarchy viewed questions and comments as challenges to authority. The patriarchal
influences present in family and church permeated the school and the School Board's policy
and management. As Robert would say. "It [my questioning and speaking up] didn't earn you
any Brownie Points: it took away your chances of promotion." Late in my term as vice-
principal of this school. I listened carefully to several administrators. I did not hear them
question or comment on Board policy. Too late I learned that finding your voice does not
always play out positively or bring about desired change in education and life. There is a
certain political savvy that must be attached. Otherwise, the finding of your voice increases
your vulnerability.
Opportunities for newly-appointed vice-principals to meet their counterparts and other school
administrators were almost non-existent. Vice-principals were not invited to attend Board-
sponsored principals' meetings except in the absence of the principal. Information was passed
down the conduit (Connelly and Clandinin, 1995, p. 68) from principal to vice-principal to
teachers. Because of the professional knowledge landscape or contexts in which we worked.
this information was not always shared immediately nor thoroughly. There was no protection
of time at school. no opportunity when Robert and I could meet undisturbed to discuss the
events of the principals' meetings or school issues. Life at school was lived in a reactive rather
than a proactive mode.
A vice-principal's introduction to administration under the jurisdiction/trusteeship of this Board
was left to the principal with whom you worked each day. This limited you to one story of
administration: the one you lived with the principal to whom you were assigned. Without an
induction program or sharing sessions. there was no opportunity to share in the stories of other
administrators.
If a problem occurred between you. as vice-principal, and the principal to whom you had been
assigned. you had no recourse. This is unfortunate for each of us possesses different strengths
and weaknesses. My interpersonal skills complemented the principal's experience and his
knowledge of the Board and system. My theory and his practice were complementary. I
considered Robert supportive. Nevertheless. I felt a need for support from the larger
administrative community. I wanted to come to know if there were alternate ways to live my
life in administration. I wanted to increase my administrative repertoire. just as I had increased
my repertoire of teaching strategies and skills over time. In an attempt to become a more
efficient and aware administrator. I invited several other administrators to form a group in
which we could discuss administrative policies, procedures, and concerns. The group never
materialized. It seemed that experienced administrators. the majority of whom were male. did
not feel the need or did not have time. It may have been that they felt self-sufficient.
Return to OISE: Winter 1994. Many things interfered with the writing of my thesis. The
positions of vice-principal and teacher. and my volunteer work on the several Curriculum
Committees at the Department left little time to visit family and even less time to write.
Everything took precedence over thesis writing. I continued to attend one or two conferences
per year. read books related to my topic, and participated in frequent conversations with friends
from graduate studies. I rarely read anything other than school and thesis-related books and the
daily newspapers. During the first three years I wrote several papers and bits and pieces. some
of which were related to my thesis. but none which I considered significant. I wanted to
complete my thesis. but I felt that I needed blocks of time. They were so difficult to find. I felt
so alone. Eventually, I discovered that I needed the academic milieu and the support of friends.
for "writing is an intensely private and lonely act" (Mitchell. 1996, Preface). After the writing,
I needed feedback from my friends. My frequent short trips to Toronto to confer with my
supervisor were important but they were costly and did not sustain me as I needed during my
long periods of absence from the ICTD. The distance between Toronto and St. John's was
great.
Quite unexpectedly. in December 1993. on the day before school closed for Christmas
vacation. I was informed by the NLTA that I had been granted a one-semester educational leave
which would commence in two weeks. in addition, I had beet named a recipient of a
Centennial Study Award. which represented acknowledgment by the NLTA, the Department of
Education. and the School Board. of my dedication and commitment to education. It also
acknowledged the importance of my thesis work. Acceptance of the leave left only two weeks
to prepare physically and mentally for the four-month stay in Toronto. During Christmas. I
scurried to deal with the enormous preparation necessary to leaving home, school, and
classroom. Since I was returning to Toronto without my daughter, I decided to live in
residence at a local convent. The Loretto Community provided a sense of safety and well
being--a place of inner peace and tranquillity on the professional knowledge landscape. Life at
Loretto was conducive to study and reflection.
However. shortly after my arrival at the JCTD in January my thesis supervisor spoke with me
about his current research and soon-to-be-published book. My understanding of and
enthusiasm for his inquiry, and my accompanying stories of life at school, caught his interest
and he invited me to write a chapter for the book. At the time I was preparing a response to a
call for proposals issued by the Teacher Associations of the Atlantic Provinces in preparation
for a federation-sponsored Teacher Induction P r o g r a ~ n . ~ ~ I completed the proposal during the
first three weeks of term and spent the remainder of my leave writing, rewriting, and
condensing a chapter which, in the end. was not included in my supervisor's book.
(However. it is presently in publication in a subsequent book.) In retrospect, I wonder why I
was unable to resist my supervisorws invitation to write the chapter. Was it that I felt honoured
as a teacher and student to be invited to write a chapter for his book? Was is that I was eager to
have a publication to my credit? Was it that I could not resist the compliment of being asked?
Could it possibly have been that my thesis was not ready to be written?
One of the most interesting experiences of that particular episode was the pan my thesis advisor
played. confirming the concept of the many "I"s of narrative. During my residency, he had
been both my teacher and advisor. There was little difference in Michael Connelly, advisor.
and Michael Connelly, teacher. However, when I accepted his invitation to write the chapter.
we entered into a new relationship, that of editor and writer. The safety, caring, and concern of
the previous relationship were replaced by the official business-like, critical. and evaluative
manner of editor. During our conversation he would often "change hats" by prefacing remarks.
to inform me in which capacity he was speaking: advisor or editor. The experience left me
rather confused. frustrated, and. of course. no further along in my thesis. It did however
provide me with further insights into writing for publication. and made me acutely aware of the
;' Invitation to the Conversation: An Approach to Teacher Induction in the Atlantic Provinces is the program
which I was commissioned to write by a committee representins the four teacher federations of the Atlantic
provinces. The program is presently being used by the associations in several provinces in an effort to support
those teachers coming into the profession or moving into new positions.
many facets of the one person, the many "I"s of narrative.-'* This experience was a reminder
that on the professional knowledge landscape expectations and relationships change with roles.
I wondered if women changed to such a degree when moving from one role to the other. How
had I changed in moving from full time teaching to teaching and administration?
I concluded my educational leave with the feeling that I had made Little progress in my thesis
writing. The week after I returned home. the Newfoundland teachers pursued strike action, and
consequently school was closed for a month. Time on strike was not conducive to thesis
writing.
AERA 1994/Presentation of two papers. As a Kindergarten teacher. I had often met
with jokes and disparaging remarks from people who assumed that Kindergarten teachers did
not have to be educated or versed in theory. Many people felt that Kindergarten teaching, like
mothering. carne naturally. They thought of Kindergarten as a place for play. I had been a
Kindergarten reacher for many years. The rhythms and conceptual practices were embodied.
Graduate school could not purge me of them. and so 1 brought Kindergarten to graduate
school. I even brought it from there to AERA where I merged theory and practice by presenting
my research using hands-on Kindergarten materials.
I presented my statistical and narrative accounts. of the OISE Transfer Grant Study Who
Teaches the Teachers in Ontario? (Connelly and Aitken. 199 1-92), through visuals which
included a blue umbrella, paper dolls. cormgated bulletin board edging. oversized white bristol
board rain drops, and one-inch squares of coloured tissue representing DeBono's kinds of
The ConneIly Clandinin concept is based on Peskin's concept of the "I". researcher and person. and states
that one of the many "1"s of narrative includes "that of the critic" (1990. p. LO). As researchers writing. " the
'-1" can speak as researcher. teacher. participant. narrative critic. and theory builder. Yet in living the narrative
thinking. My blue umbrella had Velcro attached, and the white raindrops on which I had
printed the statistical information about the project had Velcro on the back so they could be
attached to the umbrella. I began the presentation by providing the statistical information and as
I did so. attached the raindrops to the umbrella.
Beneath the umbrella was a circular green garden made from cormgated bulIetin board edging.
Inside the circle was a roll of paper dolls. some of which were a single thickness. some of
which were double. and some of which were of triple thickness. Each thickness was a different
colour. The white dolls represented those participants who had answered the questionnaire
only. The white and yellow dolls represented those who had answered the questionnaire and
participated in the interviews. The white, gold. and green represented those who had answered
the questionnaire. been interviewed, and participated as case studies. As I discussed the study I
used the squares of coloured tissue to represent each type of thinking present in the educational
context of the research (white for factual. red for emotional, black for negative, yellow for
optimistic. blue for thinking about our thinking, and green for growth). As I spoke about each
type of thinking I sprinkled the corresponding colour of tissue into the garden where the paper
dolls stood. Eventually they were surrounded by the multi-coloured squares of tissue paper.
When ready to refer to the case studies, I placed two of the three-dimensional dolls outside the
circle to represent the women teacher educators whose stories I was telling.
I now realize that for me h s experience was the coming of age of which I spoke in a previous
chapter. Once again I had met the self-imposed challenge of bringing my Kindergarten
materials and my life--my teaching, motherhood. and womanhood--into academia.
inquiry process. we are one persona. . . . It is important to sort whose voice is the dominant one when we writs
"I"" ( L99O. p.9).
Mav 1994 to the present In March I received word that my proposal for the teacher-
induction program was accepted. This necessitated my return to Toronto that summer for a
three-week period during July and August to complete the required research. During the first
week my friend. Dr. Jessie Lees. worked with me. We collaborated during the spring and
summer. and I completed the program during the fall of 1994.1 was excited about the
possibilities which the program offered and hoped to become Co-ordinator of Induction for the
Atlantic Provinces. However. financial restraints prevented the position from being
estabiished. Since completion of the program. I have facilitated workshops to introduce the
induction program and its components. In doing so. I have found that this is an area which I
love and want to pursue.
During the writing of my dissertation, I have come to understand that the development of the
induction program. which seemed unrelated to my thesis. was actually part of my thesis
process. In the writing of it. I was jumping ahead to what I felt were the implications of my
thesis based on my own needs. those of my participants, and my experience as an
administrator. it was as though I was acting out the implications of the thesis before it was
actually written. I wanted to create an awareness of possible problems and suggest how we as
educators can deal with them, thereby decreasing the split/dilernmakonflict which some
beginning teachers might experience in the integration of the personal and professional. I was
operating on the premise that when we are aware. we are better prepared to deal with problems.
The induction program addresses problems encountered by teachers entering the profession.
returning to the profession, or moving into new positions. It suggests ways in which the needs
of beginning teachers can be met and their expertise recognized. The program is intended for
faculties and depanments of education: teacher organizations and schooi boards;
administrators. experienced teachers. parents. students, and beginning teachers.
En the summer of 1996 I was invited to travel to Prince Edward Island to introduce the
program. This proved to be an unforgettable experience for me. It confmed my desire to
work in this area of teacher professional development. It was time-consuming but rewarding
work. The written evaluations of participants confirmed my ability to create a safe place and to
facilitate meaningful and informal dialogue.
Se~tember 1994/Kinder~arten teacher and vice-arinci~al. The following
September. I remained at my school, and moved from the teaching of remedial reading to the
position of Kindergarten Teacher. This was a decision made without my consultation while I.
was on educational leave. Life as kindergarten teacher and vice-principal demanded even more
of my personal time. It meant that I had responsibility not only for the never ending
administrative tasks but for my own group of students and classroom. As a remedial teacher I
could send students back to their classroom teacher when in Robert's absence an administrative
problem required my immediate attention. As Kindergarten teacher I could not. I was the
teacher! I also had considerably more responsibility in preparation. record keeping, reporting to
parents. maintenance of a large kindergarten classroom. and carrying out the many other
teaching duties. This created a problem. There were not enough hours in a day to accomplish
all that had to be accomplished. School became my life. Family and friends were neglected as I.
was consumed by never-ending schoolwork. Not only was I experiencing the three-way split
of family. career. and thesis, for the thesis weighed heavily on my shoulders, but the duties
inherent in my split position had increased greatly and contributed to increased
split/dilernmrtlconflict. My professional responsibilities. like my personal responsibilities. were
never-ending.
October 1994/Ap~ointrnent to APEF. My appointment to the Department of Education
English Language Ans Curriculum Committee. 1992. and the MPEF. 1994. demanded time
for travel. meetings. revision of curriculum documents and writing. I enjoyed the meetings, the
challenge of the committee mandates. and the excitement of developing the visionary
framework and curriculum support documents. It was a stimulating learning experience which
I would not abandon for I had discovered that this was an area in which I could effect change
for teachers and students. I could help shape the English Language Arts Curriculum which
would be used for decades to come. My contributions could include my experience of gender
equity, teacher personal practical knowledge. and professional knowledge issues. It was at the
curriculum discussion table and in the text of the new documents that I could begin to effect
change. I look at this experience as yet another example of living the thesis before actually
writing it. In continually attempting to restory my personal and professional life, I was far too
busy living the thesis to write it!
Summer of 1995/Trving to influence the Faculty: Develo~inp new courses. My
friend Gwen, also a doctoral student, and I were so enthusiastic about the program in which
we were involved at OISE that we went to speak to the newly-appointed Dean at our local
university. She appeared enthusiastic about narrative inquiry and requested that we develop
descriptions of the courses which we envisioned. We did so and returned with six. The Dean.
herself. could not guide us through the procedure and process for the development of courses
and their passage through the Senate. She suggested we speak with another professor. who.
unfortunately. due to other commitments, did not have time to advise us.
On the Personal Knowled~e Landsca~e
Here but not here. I was visiting my Mother. As we sat in the front room the telephone
rang and she went to the kitchen to answer it. My Mother spoke with her friend and I stayed
seated on the floor in the living room in front of the fueplace. I was surrounded by the papers
and books which I brought everywhere with me. When my Mother told her friend that I was
visiting. her friend must have replied. '&I won't keep you." It was then that I heard my Mother
say. "Oh, Babs (my nickname) is here. but she's not here, She comes, but has no time to talk.
She always brings her books.'' My Mother had assumed that I was out of hearing distance, but
I was not. Her remark was devastating. What had I let my life become? No wonder my
children sometimes told me to "Get a life." I could not see what I was allowing to happen to
my life and relationships. My children and other family members could. There is a lesson in
this for me. I hope it is not too late to learn. Where were my priorities? How had I determined
them'?
March 1995fDivorce lituree I was living a life of splits. of competing loyalties. There
was a split between family and career. between teaching and administration, and the original
split--divorce--which had set me on this course. As I moved further away in time from the
marriage breakup I assumed I was moving further away from it emotionally. This was not
SO . . . .
I awakened one Sunday morning at 5: 15. went to the computer, and typed without stop. The
result was a Rationale and An Order of Service For a Divorce Liturgy. I had felt estranged from
my church since my divorce. I considered divorce to be a loss of relationship as traumatic as
death. I felt it was time that the church acknowledged that and created a service for those who
wished to use it. I thought that the receiving of the church's blessing through a ceremony--a
rite of passage. a service of public recognition for those divorcing--might create some
understanding of divorce and the sorrow associated with it. I believed that such a service
would provide friends and family an opportunity to celebrate the life of the marriage and
acknowledge that its death had occurred. It would also help those in attendance to overcome the
awkward feelings which friends experience when first meeting you after such a loss. This
coming together of family and friends in church could mark the dissolution of the relationship.
and. at the same time, acknowledge. support. and bless your going forth to meet new
challenges and create a new life. It would dlow the healing to begin.
Eventually I shared my liturgy for divorce with several clergy friends. one of whom sent it to
the person in charge of liturgy for the Canadian Anglican Church. I received no
acknowledgment from either until March of 1998. when 1 was informed by the minister of a
local Toronto church that he had discussed the liturgy at a recent warden's meeting. He wished
to know if there might be someone in his parish who would use the liturgy if it were available.
In reflection. I realize that in writing the liturgy for divorce I was attempting to heal the split
which I felt between my church and me. and at the same time awaken the church to needs
which might not be uniquely mine.
Summer 1995. The summer of 1995 was to be the summer of the thesis. Sheer exhaustion,
a summer flu. and cleaning at home and school, kept me from writing during the first few
weeks of summer vacation. When 1 attempted to return to my thesis work. I realized I was out
of touch. It was like starting all over again. I had to update my research material and
knowledge of my supervisor's continually-developing inquiry and the literature. My bulletin
board and folder concept had not enjoyed the success which I had anticipated.
Fall. 1996. My son. Paul. lives in Gander. In December 1992 he was posted there to
complete his training as an air traffic controller. Paul recently bought a house. I have yet to
visit him. I have seen him for an hour or two while in Gander for cumcuium development
meetings. but I want to go to Gander to stay with him for a few days. to visit, to chat. and
share in his life. His trips to St. John's are rushed and we never get to talk. to spend time
together. My life is school and the occasional attempt to work at my thesis. Where are my
priorities?
Mv daughter's Januarv 1996 weddinp. In August 1995. my daughter became engaged
and the wedding was planned to take place 18 months later. However. within weeks her
fiance. Brian. was brought to Ottawa for temporary relief to assist in clearing up an overload of
work in the Ministry. Two weeks later the decision was made to transfer him to Ottawa- My
daushter and her fiance decided to get married in January. In the previous year she had
attended university in Halifax while Brian lived in Comer Brook. They did not want to have a
long-distance relationship for the 18 months before their wedding. I was surprised that my
daughter was getting married at such a young age. but was excited. Andrea did not want to be
married in St. John's: Neither did she want to marry in Comer Brook. for there were too many
unhappy memories there. She and Brian decided to be married in the small community on the
west coast of Newfoundland where Brian's family had a long-standing history and where his
father had been the mayor of the town.
This meant that I did not have the involvement that I wished in the planning of my daughter's
wedding. I traveled to the west coast with her during the Christmas vacation to do some
planning with the caterers and to meet Brian's parents. At the time of the wedding I had to
request a day off to attend the wedding to travel the 1600 kilometer round-trip. It would be the
first time that the family would be together since the divorce. This caused anxiety and stress.
For the three months prior to the wedding Andrea experienced excruciating facial pain the cause
of which was not detennined until she moved to Ottawa after the wedding. My mother was ill
and could not attend. This added further stress and sorrow. I did not feel as much a part of the
wedding as I had envisioned or hoped. The traditional images which I had of the role of
mother-of-the-bride were not to be. Six years after my introduction to feminist issues I had
great difficulty living outside the defined role. However. on her wedding day. I was Andrea's
matron of honour for her three best friends were out of the province.
March 18 and April 1996. When I returned on the March 18th long weekend to the thesis,
which had been set aside for so long. I came with a determination which was almost
inexplicable. I knew I must move to another place in life. to living without the call of an
unfinished thesis. April arrived and my mother had not recovered and fear entered the picture.
My father had died in June 1987 when I was writing the report of my first MUN Harlow
research experience.
June 1996/The sellinp of our familv home. The selling of the family house was
traumatic but unavoidable. My almost four years of graduate studies. while on unpaid leave.
and the cost of university education for the three children were draining. This is the financial
reality of single-parenting and the cost of education. Since the break-up, my home-base had
been St. John's. The selling of the house would mean that I would no longer be living with
part of my life stored in boxes in Comer Brook and the remainder in St. John's. No longer
would I feel the split of living in one place and maintaining a property in another. Everything
would be in the one place. No Longer would I be uncertain as to where I Iived. One of the splits
was about to be healed but not by choice. But the fact was that I could never go back to live in
Comer Brook. There were too many memories. For many years I had had no sense of where
home actually was. The divorce and my pursuit of graduate studies had resulted in my having
to live on personal and professional knowledge landscapes which were quite distant from one
another. I had moved too many times. Too many relationships had been broken with family.
friends. and colleagues. and too many memories were stored with the contents of the taped
boxes which were stacked in the basement and other places. I did not know where I belonged.
The selling of the house may have begun the process of resolving this dilemma for me.
December 6. 1996/The f l i ~ h t topether. I left St. John's by plane to visit my thesis
supervisor and have some dental work done in Toronto where it had been started during my
residency. and where. as far as my own dentist in Newfoundland was concerned, it needed to
be finished. This turned out to be the same day that my daughter and son-in-law were flying
out of Halifax and across Canada on their way to Nepal to spend two years as Non-
Governmental Officers (NGOs) or volunteers in a reforestation and development project. I was
fortunate to connect with their flight and be seated next to Andrea. It was so good to see her but
my heart was filled with fear at what the next two years would bring, just as it had been when
Roger went to Ecuador in 1990 and to Guatemala in 1993, and when Paul. at 15, had gone to
Europe with the high-school choir. For the next two years I would live with a part of myself
missing. My daughter was in Nepal.
December 9. 1996/A routine dental procedure. It had staned out as another of my
routine trips to Toronto. I had another piece of wiring for my supervisor to review. n routine
detztcd ctppoitzmetzt before. and ajlight home afier. Instead I became ill. My face is badly
swollen. the result of an ine expected root canal. The doctor says I cannotfi*. I know, too. I
curmot risk leaving Toronto in this condition. I must remain here until given nzy clearance. . . .
It is now eight d q s later. I am at home keeping a round of doctors' appointments. I ant not in
good health. I am not resporzdirzg to the nzedicines as expected. Tfze doctor is concenzed that
the bacterial infection from the root canal may have gone to my heart and lungs. I rarely stay
lznrne from school. Never before have I been seriously ill. I realize I am mortal What are my
priorities ? . . . S~ldderzly the! seem to have changed. I reali~e that my body is not
irzdesrrrictible.
M u s i n ~ s From the S ~ r i n ~ of 1997/0n the treadmill. Since 1988. when I returned to
university to begin the Master's program, my life has been filled with books, school, and
professional development. My life has become a treadmill. I cannot stop. No matter how
quickly I go I cannot reach the other side: the completion of my thesis and the clearing off of
books and papers from my dining room table and living room floor. As much as I enjoy the
challenge of graduate studies. I am tired of Living with pencil and pad beside my bed and
putting post-its in every book I read. It sometimes seems that I am caught in a time warp of
being a student while everyone else has moved on.
Although. my profession and studies supported me through the aftermath of a broken
marriage--possibly helped me escape temporarily from some of the feelings and realizations
which were necessary to my healing--in early 1997 1 find myself wanting things which are not
now part of my life: time for family. friends. and self. I want to paint. travel, and study
photography. If I do not finish the thesis eight years' effort and the financial security which I
traded for graduate studies will be in vain. My chances of teaching at the university level are
Iess without the completed Ph-D. thesis and with my increasing age. They may be non-
existent.
Guilt creeps into my conscience as I think of the precious years with family and friends which
have been lost to me. They can never be retrieved. Split/dilemma/conflict--the very focus of my
research is very much evident in my life. Yet. my reason for embarking on this study was to
resolve it. M y children. who initially encouraged and supported my work. have come to see
my thesis as the reason for what they describe as the chaotic and stress-filled life which they
perceive me as leading: one of never-ending work with little time for rest and recreation; of
neglect of self.
Several of my colleagues have compared the writing of a thesis grounded in narrative
methodology to having a baby. They say that the thesis. like the baby. will not arrive until
ready. The delivery date for my thesis was August 1996. It was one year overdue. Now it is
two. Maybe my planned journey to visit my daughter in Nepal will induce the labour necessary
to give birth to the thesis. The summer of 1996 included facilitating an institute to launch the
induction program in another province. It was August when 1 returned to thesis writing and
school opened shortly after. In the fall term I was acting-principal during the principal's illness.
After his return I became ill after a routine dental procedure. At Christmas the principal retired.
Two months later I made the decision to leave the school system and complete my thesis. My
time had come.
I am left wondering, once again. if my life could have been lived differently: even since
entering graduate studies. In retrospect. at this point in time and narrative. I regret that I left
Toronto and the Graduate School milieu to return home to a very lonely thesis journey. I often
wonder if I would have completed the thesis earlier had I remained in Toronto and worked out
my faculty contract? Tomorrow I may feel differently for the telling of our stories changes with
the current space and place in life.
March 19. 1997/Settin~ aside the school svstem to finish the thesis. Today is my
last day as a teacher in the school system. Tomorrow will be the first day in the next phase of
my life and I will spend it in Gander attending Primary Curriculum Development meetings. The
decision to leave did not come easily. One of the most difficult parts was writing a letter to my
kindergarten children to explain to them where I was going-what I would be doing. I sat at the
computer in my office and cried as I wrote. The tears rolled down my face. I did not want the
children to think I was abandoning them. I told them that 1 was returning to OISEKJT to finish
writing my big book. I would come to see them as soon as it was finished. My thesis must be
written.
Summer and Fall 1997/Followinp the Caravan Stape B a r ~ e to Kinyston and
Manhattan I was in Toronto working on my thesis when my son. Roger, was spending the
summer with Caravan Stage Barge Productions. He and his fiance. Petrina. had planned to
marry in September but delayed their wedding until December to accommodate their
participation in the five-month inau-wal voyage of the Amara Zee. They staged two
productions, and I travelled with friends to Kingston to see A Tale of a Whale, a stage
adaptation of the book A Whale for the Killing by Farley Mowat. At one point in the play.
Farley. who is attempting to save a beached whale which has been shot at by some ruffians,
finds himself contacting and being contacted by many different agencies. all of whom want to
be involved somehow or other with the rescue. Farley is on-stage while the people representing
these different agencies are spread out over the deck of the barge and on the land. Each one of
the people is attached to Farley by a rope and as each one wants Farley's attention. s h e pulls
Farley in that direcdon. Farley is at the mercy of the one with the strongest pull. Sometimes he
has to run to stay on his feet. After watching this scene for a few seconds, I no longer see
Farley being pulled: I see myself. I turn to my friend and say. -'That's my thesis!" . . . The
personal and professional merge. My happiness in seeing my son and future daughter-in-law in
this production is possible on
In September 1 leave Toronto
ly because I am studying and writing at OISE/UT.
and the writing of my thesis to traveI overnight by bus to and
from New York to see Roger and Petrina perform in Manhattan. Several friends advise me not
to go. I am supposed to be focusing on my thesis. Something inside tells me that a four-day
delay in the completion of my thesis is not going to be important ten years from now. I will
probably not even remember that it was delayed. I will, however. remember that I have gone to
New York to see my son. I will also remember that I sat on Chelsea Pier on the Hudson River
and wrote paragraphs for my thesis, stayed on the barge overnight, met my son's friends. and
just enjoyed myself. . - . I will not regret going.
M u s i n g s l i n o f to finish: Askin? whv The muscles in
my neck cry out in pain, after four or five hours. non-stop. at the computer. In desperation. I
remove my hands from the keyboard, and place them at the back of my neck, and push. in
hope of some magic release from the pain which has petrified the muscles of my back and
shoulders. I ask, "God, why am I doing this? Why am I putting myself and my family through
this experience'?" Then. I stretch, get a glass of juice and a couple of cookies, go to the
basement laundry area. load the washer. hang some of the clothes on the line. and throw the
remainder into the dryer. Afterwards, 1 run up the basement steps and resume my writing.
lulled by the sound of the washer and dryer: knowing that my woman's work is being done
while I write. Why am I doing this? Why do I keep trying to bring this thesis journey to
completion? Why don't I just walk away? Why didn't I walk away from my marriage and other
situations which demanded so much of me*? What is it that keeps me going'?
It is the beIief that in moving my story and those of my participants from our personal circles to
the professional and public forum of the academy. 1 am inviting discussion of the topic of the
integration of personal and professional lives of teachers from behind the closed doors of our
classrooms. homes. therapist's offices. or friend's homes--locked places on the personal and
professional knowledge landscapes--to where they belong in order to bring systemic change to
equalize the privilege of male and female and improve the quality of life both at home and in the
classroom.
This thesis is my story and that of my participants; it is the story of our survival. It is also the
story of other women. A story of learning to be heard. listened to. by self arid others. It is in
speaking and being heard that we can change education. society. and our lives. If we as
women had been valued. considered equal to men and taught to value ourselves as equals. our
lives may have been very different. Valuing of self and self-esteem are issues for women for
we tend to want to be everything to everybody. Why'?
December 30. 1997/Ro~er's wedding. Roger and Petrina were married in St. John's.
This was the second occasion on which the family came together since the divorce. Whereas
Andrea's wedding reception was very informal. Roger's was formal, to the extent of having a
head table. During the reception line. I stood next to Roger's father, but at the dinner I was
placed at the head table. while his father was seated at a table with his wife and mother, for I
had been invited to welcome Petrina into the family during the toasts and responses. The splits
of divorce are hard to mend for both the partners and their children. Wedding protocol, like
most tradition and ritual. and the roles we are expected to play in them. heightens the effect of
the splits we experience when our nuclear family is not intact. The wedding protocol. like the
church's attitude toward divorce, has not yet been rewritten to accommodate our stories of
broken relationships. nor do protocol and tradition. or those who honour them. allow us to
write new stories. More importantly, like equality-rights Legislation. church legislation for new
services and traditions will not be embraced until they are rewritten in the hearts of people
(Heck. personal communication, 1998). Nevertheless, the festivities went well. The passing of
time and my on-going thesis inquiry had allowed me to participate fully and to enjoy.
Winter 1998Looking back: con ti nu in^ to trv to finish. Whv. oh, whv ? Despite
my efforts to ensure that I would stay connected to the JCTD. I feel that I am writing this thesis
in a context of isolation. In early 1998, almost five years after defending my proposal, my
thesis remains unfinished. Why? Am I. as my friend suggests, a procrastinator? Is the deIay
because I am not ready to finish it'? My sister. Elizabeth. suggests that maybe I am not juggling
the personal professional well: that maybe I cannot finish for I have not yet found the answers
to the questions which drive this inquiry. Am I caught in the old story: not quite ready to
embrace the new--like a mole burrowing in the dark? Do I have the ability and the desire to
finish? Am I afraid of life after the thesis? What will fill the void when the thesis is complete?
Will true transformation have taken place? Will my purpose for graduate studies be realized'?
Will 1 have the opportunity to teach pre-service teachers?
Whatever the reason. the delay in finishing is accompanied by its own unique problems. The
thesis constantly hangs over my head. It is the albatross around my neck which keeps me from
my family: from things I want to do; places I want to go. Am I using the unfinished thesis to
constrain myself. when opportunities to fly could be limitless? The delay in finishing costs. not
only financially. but in other ways as well.
My time at OISE seems like a dream. Sometimes I call it my illusion. I first applied the term
illusion to my life at OISE during a conversation which took place during an elevator ride to the
tenth floor. I had returned to share some of my writing with my supervisor. As I rode the
elevator to the tenth floor, an OISE administrator made an off-handed remark about my
returning to the real world of graduate studies. I flippantly replied. "OISE is my illusion.
Teaching in Newfoundland is my reality. OISE is a luxury which I allowed myself. I stole it
from life."
1 reflect on my decision to leave Toronto at the end of my doctoral residency in 1992. and
realize I am coming to terms with it. My reality was that. as much as I wanted what I called the
illusion. I could not remain at OISE to complete my thesis. Three and a half years of graduate
studies at MUrU' and OISE, undergraduate studies for my three children, the accompanying
bank loans. and my absence of salary left me no choice. There was also the fact that, even
though I was comforted by the presence of my teenage daughter during those two years in
Toronto. I had been living away from my sons. mother. brothers. sister. and friends. and I
wanted to return home.
St. John's. my hometown. is distant from Toronto and airfares are expensive. My chapters-in-
progress cannot be posted or e-mailed to my thesis supervisor for review. as he prefers to have
the work accompanied by the writer. Having my work-in-progress supervised is an expensive
proposition. However. there is no substitute for personal discussion; no better way to receive
constructive criticism about my thesis writing than discussing my most recent writing. face to
face. with my supervisor and recording his comments. These recorded conversations have
become my lifeline to the JCTD. I listen to them as I drive my daily distances in St. John's.
Each time 1 return to Toronto, I have to familiarize myself with the new research and writing
which has been done during my absence.
Lifelines provide survival. but not always the context one desires or needs. As a teacher of
young children I create a context of print immersion to foster the language arts development of
my students. Context, too, is critical in the writing of a thesis. The completion of a thesis
requires the freedom to focus. consistent support. an academic milieu. My relocation from
Toronto has isolated me from the nurmring and supportive context of the JCTD community;
plunged me into the world of teaching and administration. a world disconnected from the
conversation and milieu of thesis writing.
Day by day, I live the practical application of educational theory. My curriculum is my life, my
life is my curriculum. In living it. I have no time to write it. I cannot go home after a long day
at school and write. I do not have the energy. There are too many problems which I need to
solve for next day. Even when I manage to write I create problems for I continually edit my
work. Whenever I sit on the flight to Toronto. This causes problems when I get to Toronto for
I have to input the changes into the computer and print another hard copy before my
appointment with my supervisor. Continually, I seem to have no choice but to put the thesis on
hold. to leave the writing of it until holiday or leave time. The data gathering, or generating
(Conle. 1995). is begun. and continues on long weekends, and trips to Toronto. and within the
Atlantic provinces. My participants and I keep in touch, despite the slowness of rhe writing of
the first draft. These times of struggle are often accompanied by doubt.
Januarv 27. 1998/The final push: Return to the Centre. I return to OISE/UT to
complete my thesis in what I thought would be a six-week period. I tell my family I will return
in six weeks. I have no idea of what the process will be . . . .
March 7, 1998/Home for the weekend. What should have been a three and a half hour
trip to Newfoundland turned out to be a seven and a half hour trip when the computer system
at the airport crashed and we were left sitting on the runway without a flight plan. Instead of
aniving home at 1 :30 in the morning I arrive at 6 a.m.. shower. prepare for the day's activities.
and after lunch attend my neighbour's funeral. The whole weekend is a nightmare. I return to
Toronto on March 10th exhausted, ilI, and wishing I had stayed at home. My need to be at
home and my need to also be on the professional knowledge landscape on which I need to be
to write the thesis are pulling me apart. The thesis has to be finished. I want to finish. I need to
be at home. My Mother is not well. I want to spend time with her. There is no happy medium.
It is an either or situation. It tears me apart inside. Each time 1 call home there is the question,
"When are you corning home"?
March 20. 1998/Back at the CTD: Attem~tinp to finish mv thesis
I am exhausted. I am experiencing writer's block. Will there ever be an end to this'?
Mav 17. 1998/Father. Give me strenpth! I am sick of living out of a suitcase. I want to
go home. I have not lived in a house for four months. The telephone is sometimes a poor
substitute for being there in person. I need to unpack the boxes in the basement and get on with
life. I have to go through the artifacts and memory boxes of thirty years. The way that I attend
to this task will inform me on a very personal level of what I have accomplished for myself by
participating in this thesis process. Will I be able to understand that divorce happens. but it
does not mean the end? Will I learn to leave the images behind?
The pestation of mv thesis. At various times throughout the post-residency period I
collected data. read the literature. and attempted to write. I visited Ontario and two of the
Atlantic provinces to talk with my participants. At first. my efforts at writing were praised by
my supervisor, sometimes to the extent that my friends would not book appointments
immediately after mine for he would insist on telling them how well I was doing with my
writing. It was something of a shock to my system when I realized that this writing was only
my pre-thesis writing and not the actual thesis chapters. 1 did not realize that this is the way a
thesis evolves within a narrative methodology.
As I reflect upon these memories, I suddenly think of my interest in teacher induction and
wonder what part these experiences played in my interest and work in that area. Was I driven
towards teacher induction because of my own personal professional needs? Was my writing of
the induction program a practical outcome of the theory and experience of this thesis? Does it
fulfill my need to turn my marriage break-up into an educative experience'?
Fall 1997: Is the Glass Half-Emptv or Half-Full?
The story of the writing of my thesis. like the stories included in this narrative inquiry. will
change as time passes and audience and purpose change. It. too. is becoming a memory shaped
by time and the ever-changing. constantly-moving landscape on which I live the life of family
and career. It is the living of that very life that drives this inquiry into the split/dilemma/conflict
which women experience in their dual role. The inquiry becomes my life, my life becomes my
inquiry--the integration of methodology and life. There is reflection on stories already woven
and rewoven. There is the weaving of the new, unimagined in the weaving of previous stories.
How do I tell them?
As with any story. the story of this research can be told from many perspectives. It can be told
as a story of loss and grief. or as a story of new beginnings and unimagined possibilities. We
can be imprisoned by our stories: or we can be liberated by them (Travis. 1992. p. 309). Is the
glass half-empty or half-hll? The answer depends on my perception--the point at which I am in
my living and thinking on that particular day. In coming to understand our stories we learn to
forgive ourselves and others. Through examining the contexts of our own lives and the
histories of our foremothers and forefathers. we come to understand the patriarchal influences
which shape the society in which we live. We also gain an increased understanding of our
behaviour as women, as well as an understanding of the behaviour of men. on both the private
and public landscapes.
In my particular case. examination of the contexts brought a desire to effect change. It is my
opinion that change can only be brought about through creating an awareness among men and
women of the constraints that a patriarchal society has on both. for in awareness lies the
possibility of change--change in one's theory and practice of personal professional Life; change
in political curriculum. teaching. and society. If curriculum truly is the course of one's life.
then narrative inquiry has the power to transform. to take the researcher, participants,
curriculum. and eventually society from passive acculturation to awakening and transformation
(Connelly and Clandinin, 1995, p. 82). This thesis is but one small step in that direction. for
'-What do stories do? Affect us, Nothing else" (Primus St. John. Dreamer, 1990. p. 2 1. cited
in Witherell et al. 1993. p. 3). With this in mind, we move to the next chapter. to meet the four
women who participated in this study.
Chapter Five
Mv Partici~ants: A Sketch
Women today read and write biographies to gain perception on their own lives. Each
reading provokes a dialogue of comparison and recognition. a process of memory and
articulation that makes one's own experience available as a lens of empathy. We gain
even more from comparing notes and trying to understand the choices of our friends.
When one has matured surrounded by implicit disparagement. the undiscovered self is
an unexpected resource. Self-knowledge is empowering.(Bateson, 1989, p. 5 )
For women to take control of their own life stories. in effect to write them. means to act
rather than be acted upon. And that flash of authorial ego is nothing less than
revolutionary.(Marilyn Powell in Ideas, 1993, p. 36)
The participants in this study are five white female educators whose experience of the teaching
profession and whose integration of family and career spans a time period from the 1950s to
the late 1970s in either Ontario or the Atlantic provinces.
Patricia is an administrator within a parochial system of education; Beth is a French consultant
with a teacher's organization: Stephanie. retired from a successful career in the province of her
birth is. by choice. a sessional rather than full-time faculty member: Catherine is a tenured staff
member at a faculty of education: and I have just completed a four-and-a-half year period as a
teac her/administrator.
There are similarities and differences in the stories which we teIl of our journeys through iife
with family and career. As we share our individual stories you will gain some understanding of
the historical and political contexts which have shaped and continue to shape our lives. You
will see. too. how the education system has changed since the mid 1950s but also how it has
remained the same.
Patricia OISullivan
As a child and adolescent in a very traditional hierarchical context where family and church
were under male direction and domination, Patricia learned to look for approvd outside herself.
She gained her sense of self from that which was mirrored back to her by others. Roman
Catholicism shaped Patriciats values and the course of her life through family. church. and
school. Patricia is rooted in and values many of the teachings of her church. Her faithfulness to
church is intertwined with faithfulness to her parents and her Irish heritage. At the same time.
she recognizes the need for certain changes within her church if it is to meet the needs of its
members in the late twentieth century. Patricia's upbringing created within her images to live
by. ideals toward which she aspired. She has spent her career struggling with her sense of self
and the images which she has of the ideal--the ideal wife. child. daughter, administrator. She
has attempted to mirror back to her parents, and others imponant in her life, the ideals which
she felt they wanted to see.
Patricia wants to remain true to her parents, her parochid education. the teachings of her
church. her own images of the ideal and her feminine consciousness. She therefore begins a
quest to bridze the gap between late twentieth century woman and the teachings of her male-
dominated church. En doing so, she enriches not only her own personal professional life but
the lives of those with whom she comes in contact. Patricia's quest for personal meaning and
the resolution of tensions sometimes provides her with the opportunity to share her woman's
perspective with priests and other members of the church hierarchy.
Patricia and I had known of each other through mutual friends and colieapes but actually met
as I was nearing the completion of my residency. She has served as a classroom teacher, an
administrator of a large high school. and a consultant and member of the superintendency at the
school board office. Patricia is married to an educator and is the mother of several teenagers.
Nevertheless she was able to complete one graduate degree and is currently working towards
another. As a student she. too. has to spend long periods of time away from her family.
My first interview with Patricia took place on a Saturday morning at her school board ofice.
Despite the age of the building, Patricia's office was a warm and inviting place. Mementos of
her personaVprofessional life were displayed on the walls and on the surfaces of the
bookcases, filing cabinets. and her desk. Photographs and a variety of gifts told of Patricia,
wife and mother. and Patricia. professional educator, life-long learner. and valued colleague.
Each memento had an accompanying story: each was a reminder of Patricia's integration of
family and career.
Beth Luttrell
Beth was not one of my original participants. When we met during my graduate school
experience. I was fascinated by Beth's interesting and exciting life and the role which she
played in her profession. Beth exudes a quiet confidence and is a risk taker not only as an
educator but in her personal life. Her hobbies are highly unusual. I never cease to be amazed at
her interests and accomp~ishments. She, too, is married but does not have children. Beth seems
to maintain her own identity. even to continuing to use her maiden name. Beth's relationship
with her husband appears to be governed by considerations which are different from those
which governed my relationship with my husband. Whereas my identity was that of my
husband's wife. Beth's life is not completely lived in the shadow of her husband's. But then
Beth does not conform to my stereotypical view of educator. When we met she was outside
my then-traditional perceptions.
While completing my thesis proposal I sometimes found myself wondering about Beth. What
could I learn from her about alternate ways to live the story of family and career? Should I
invite her to take part in my study? It was after my WIP Seminar that I asked Beth to be a
participant. During the session the topic of guilt was raised. The word seemed to resonate in
the experience of all until Beth announced. to the amazement of the others. that she had never
felt guilt. If Beth had never felt guilt. her story of career and family could quite possibly
present an interesting altemauve to my own story. Guilt was something that seemed to
permeate my life. It was as though I could never accomplish. personally and professionally. all
that I wished to. There were never enough hours in a day as competing loyalties vied for my
attention. my time, and my physical and emotional energy.
As we shared our stories I learned that as a teenager Beth's dream was to become a doctor. She
was not encouraged to follow her dream. Her brother was. Beth was left to choose one of the
few traditional options open to the women of her time. She became a teacher. Friends and
family may have expected Beth to teach, marry, and lead a very conventional life. She did not.
Denied her own first choice in a male-dominated world, Beth constantly strives to ensure that
young women have the opportunity to pursue the careers of their choice.
Stephanie Pratt
Stephanie and I met at the airport as she was awaiting the arrival of a plane which would take
her overseas to a new educational experience. While corning to know each other we never
ceased to be amazed at the things we had in common. As the thesis joumey invited us to
venture into previously unexplored temtory we found that we were further bound by our
autobiographical experiences. both the professional and personal. My thesis inquiry allowed us
to go where friendship had not--to areas which people of my generation did not approach. even
as friends. In the context of a thesis journey we could explore our lives and the social contexts
in which they had been and were being lived. We could tell stories which previously had been
off-limits.
Stephanie, married and mother of two adult children who were then finishing university, was
pursuing a second graduate degree. Her reputation as an educator was known provincially and
nationally. Stephanie is a dedicated professional. who has taught at both school and in a faculty
of education, and has studied in Europe and North America. At the time that 1 began this
inquiry. she held a very responsible position at the ministerial level. Stephanie was one of a
few women to have worked at the Ministry before the introduction of equity practices in hiring.
A few months before taking an early retirement. Stephanie was awarded national recognition
for her contribution to her field of study.
Catherine Iannaconne
Catherine. wife of an educator and mother of two teenage children, was contracted as a teacher
educator at an Ontario faculty of education when I began this study. Her doctoral thesis. begun
some four years previous, remained unfinished, for there was no time in her life to complete it.
During doctoral studies Catherine had been hired to teach in the pre-service teacher education
program. &4s the developer of a school-based approach to teacher education, she was both
administrator and teacher. She made herself available to students during personal and
professional time, She did not have time for teaching, research. and writing. Because her
faculty was located in a city some three hours from her family residence Catherine maintained
an apartment near the faculty. Professional commitments sometimes prevented her from
returning to her family home on weekends.
Catherine was very interested in my research and lengthened her day to find time for our
interviews. We met very early in the morning, quite late at night. and in unlikely places. My
initial meeting with Catherine rook place while I was engaged in a research project. It was a
chance meeting in that she was a friend and colleague of a then-current research partner.
Catherine was keenly interested in that particular project because her position of teacher
educator allowed her Little time for dialogue with colleagues and the research project gave her
opportunity to reflect upon her practice. Sometime later. I again worked with Catherine whi
research officer in an Ontario study of teacher educators. During this particular project I not
only interviewed but observed Catherine in her classroom. I had access to many of the
documents which she used in her teaching and also to her then-unfinished but later completed
thesis.
Patricia. Beth, Stephanie. and Catherine share their stories in Chapters Six to Nine.
Chapter Six
Patricia O'Sullivan
Patricia: Images of Perfection
Several years before our conversations Patricia had spent a period of time reflecting and
writing. concluding that the recurring influences of her life were church and family. She
identified the structural metaphor of her writing to be strong lrish tweed. the warp being the
"white Irish homespun. pure and good. soft. warm and strong . . . . The weft consist[ing] of
heavy black wool. of the kind found [used] in religious garments." She wrote
The pattern of my life is composed of constantly striving for a continually elusive
perfection of Christian character formation. sanctification in other words. My evaluative
standards for my achieving it. however, have not been internal. they have been
external. I have measured my value by looking into mirrors-mirrors held by authority
figures. in paticular my parents initially, and later church representatives, but also
those held by my friends. my students, and my marriage family. I have judged myself
by the image of my self reflected in others' perceptions. (Patricia. 199 1)
At Home
Patricia's father called her Princess and treated her like a queen. In fact he treated both Patricia
and her brother "with love and only the occasional unsubstantiated threat."
Patricia's mother was the daughter of a blue collar worker and shopkeeper. Patricia describes
her mother's family as having simple roots but "an air of quiet dignity." Her "sweet. gentle.
and even tempered" mother, who had done well in school, treated everyone with kindness and
respect and is well known for her legendary hospitality. Patricia's mother was the parent
responsible for all aspects of her children's education. Today she enjoys being involved with
the education of her grandchildren. Because Patricia remembers very little of her own
grandparents. she particularly enjoys the warm relationship which her parents share with their
orandchildren- Patricia says that her mother would like to have worked "but Dad did not s
approve." Patricia describes her parents' marriage as solid. They provided a home life in which
Patricia learned respect for ail people. She learned to be
non-j~d~menta.1. uncritical. and respectful of adults in authority . . . . [I] learned
honesty- integrity. trust. and the feeling of being loved. . . the relationship between
work and personal value, but that I had to be empathetic even to those who didn't
work. I learned that church was good indeed, that ritual must be observed, and that I
must strive to be good to please both parents and God.
As a result. Patricia feeIs that her home environment did not sharpen her critical-thinking skiIls
for "questioning authority was not a value." She says, "I find myself looking for something of
value in whatever opinions others express.?' and finds her open-mindedness contributing "to
foggy thinking." She considers herself to be too trusting in interpersonal relationships. As a
child Patricia tried to achieve her image of the perfect child--bright and obedient. At the time of
her writing. she said she requires "magnanimous personal affirmation from others. articulated
and clear. especially from those in authority. to feel good about myself." Eventually she felt
this behaviour was almost compulsive and wanted to move from external approval toward
internal, to find affirmation within herself.
Resonances. S t o q begets s toy , mzd as I listen to Patricia define the roles of her nzother and
fiitlter. I am broiight back to my own childhood. My mother, too. took responsibility for-
edriccitiori. She made sure that hnrnervurk was dune. rmifO177zs pressed. blouses ironed. shoes
slzirzed. cozd nrttritiorrs recess srtcrcks packed. She was the fantily contact with the school and
the Parent Teacher Association. This. in rum. became my story of mothering. In many ways.
Pntriciu's s t o e and my own a f i m the literaticre on mothering and education. M y father, too.
wcrs interested in and proud of nzy performance at school. When I became a teacher he lovingl~
called me his "little school marin. " but, through the years. it was mother who had made sure
that I did what was expected of rne by my teachers and [he principal.
My Dad provided for us financially on his policeman's salary, and 1 eniqved the I t w r y of
pl-iwte nuisic lessons. IYJretz ther-e was no tnorzey to purchase a new piano my Dad went to an
OfSIcel-s' Mess and bought three old pianos which somehow had survived the Second World
War era. He stripped them down, took the best parts from each. and, in the middle of the
dining room floor, built my piano. Then he called the piano tuner. When I played my piano I
h e w its inside story, for I had seen my father reconstruct it, watched him and Mom clean the
ivories with milk, then glue them to the wooden keys, and wrap them with flannel to protect
the ivories from the grip of the vice. I knew how the keys moved the hammers, which hit the
strings and produced the sound. I also knew hokv the peddles worked to produce the
pianissimo and the fortissimo. It was my Dad who provided the piano. M y Mom made sure
that I received private piano lessons from the school ' s music teacher who had recently
inmigrated from the United Kingdom. I remember dze happiness I felt when the principal came
to in? classroom to tell me that my Mom had arranged private nz~csic lessons. Uzey rvorcld take
place dirirtg class time. but I was ~cndaunted by the res~clrnnt increase in homework. I did not
k n o ~ . ttzut. rvinter after winter, my Mom worcld rb*ear the same ncst-coloured coat with the fiir
collar so that there wo~cid be nzoney for my iessons. This was but one exartzpie of parents,
particukr rly mothers, sacrificing for their children. When my Morn first expressed her desire to
go to vrork, my Father, like Patricia's, rvoicld not hear of it. He felt it worild reflect negatively
upon his manhood: he thought ir rvordd make him less of a man in the eyes of his peers.
As I reflect upon Patricia's s t o y nzy CL~-iosih is arorised How did responsibilie for edrrcatiotz
come to rest rvirh ortr mothers? Why did fathers provide financially and not become involved in
domestic Zife? When and how did the responsibilities of men and women become separate?
Why did nzothers sta? at home? What happens when girls and boys groltv up in a context where
work is divided by gender? What was Patricia doing to her sey-concept in striving to be good.
Bz uttempting to please her pare~zrs, teachers, and God? Was she setting the patterns of her life
as ci rimnun? Do all wornerr do the same? ts it possible [hat Patricia's rehlcrance to question
artthori~ afected the development of her criticd thinking? Did Patricia's early images of
rt-onzarz/zoud serve her well 3
At School
Patricia attended what she describes as a middle-class neighbourhood school. She was at the
top of the class and among the prize winners. Patricia's parents had high expectations for her,
but their standards were not as high as those which she set for herself. Her parents trusted her
decisions. supported her emotionally and financially. and gave complete and unconditional
love.
Patricia remembers meeting near-faiIure for the first time as a student when she received 52%
on a test in Grade Seven. This was 40% less than usual. "I nearly died!" she says. She was not
chastised for having poor grades. but was expected to take responsibility and solve the
problem. Patricia says that by dealing with her in this way her parents gave her "a sense of
academic independence and ownership of [her] education." Her parents did not offer material
rewards to motivate, wanting her to understand that "academic success brought its own
rewards." She remembers that as a child her primary motivator was pleasing her parents. She
found their praise reaffirming. It enhanced her self-esteem. Patricia says that her parents gave
her enormous freedom to do the things she wanted over the years. As the years went by. her
parents' trust became even more important. She credits fear of breaking this trust with her
avoidance of smoking, drugs, pre-marital sex. and anti-establishment activity of any kind, for
her parents represented the political and religious status quo. She says that her mother "would
never let me do anything that was going to be. in her mind. detrimental to my well being and
education. . . . Mother was going to make sure [I] got [my] education!" In one of our
conversations she commented. "But we were taught, weren't we, by school, home, and
church. that we had to be pure when we were married and that we had to get an education!" It
is evident from Patricia's stories that her parents gave her freedom, but within boundaries.
Elementarv School
In her elementary school, which was run by a religious congregation. disobedience was not
tolerated. "Disrespect and lack of achievement were punished by strapping." Patricia says, "I
sought to please out of fear, but I also wanted to preserve the stainless image I had established
at home." She felt pressured to get high grades and behave well. Her feelings were hurt when
she was criticized. She wrote of being called "too fat to climb stairs." She also spoke of her
"gift of a beige and green plastic pen set to one of the sisters being tossed into a desk drawer SO
be used later as a prize for a bingo game." As I think of the time and effort my own children
spent trying to find the perfect gift for their teachers at Christmas, school closing, and other
occasions. I can only imagine how Patricia must have felt as she watched Sister toss her
present aside. Her excitement and spirit must have been crushed. Was Sister's rejection of the
gift a criticism of Patricia or of her gift? HOW could a young child understand either?
Intermediate Grade
In Grade Seven Patricia discovered boys. Both her grades and self-esteem dropped. She soon
discovered that "There was no benefit to be gained from being preoccupied with romance. no
praise to be earned. so I realigned my priorities and relegated my daydreaming about the
opposite sex to the hnction of a fascinating hobby." Consciousiy. at age twelve, Patricia made
the decision to place academic pursuits above romantic involvement and continued to depend
on the nuns for affirmation and self-esteem. It was during these intermediate years that Patricia
discovered that some nuns were so much in competition with each other that students from her
room were not permitted to tell their best friends in other classes which pages they were
studying. This nurtured within Patricia a cenain scrupulosity about what she did and did not
say. This is a tension which Patricia carries to her present-day responsibilities.
Senior H i ~ h
In the final years of high school Patricia attended a colIector school with students from eight
parishes. She was placed with the highest-achieving students. The competition was great.
Other students could outperform her, and she placed eighth that first term. She cried when her
Mom brought home the report card. The Sisters in this school were kind and interesting. They
talked with students after school and were interested in their lives away from school. One
particular Sister "responded to my personhood. not just my academic achievement . . . .[she]
has become a firm friend of mine." As a prefect and a member of the newspaper staff, Patricia
was quite involved and developed a strong loyalty to her school. She remembers some Sisters
as strong role models and. when talking about career choices. Patricia remarks,
on the one hand. you went into the traditional careers of teacher or a nurse . . . . On the
other hand bright girls were pushed into Latin, Physics, and Chemistry . . . . We
couldn't do both French and Latin. I ended up having to drop Latin in order to do
Physics in Grade Ten. That was a decision I dways regretted.
It was in this school that Patricia's religious development took "an abrupt shift." This was the
Post Vatican II era of transition. and religious training was quite different from what it had
been in elementary school. Traditional catechism was abandoned and there was nothing in its
place. Students had access to a teen magazine containing articles and an advice column which
dealt with real-life problems. Patricia and her classmates used the column to "coerce the
teachers into discussing aspects of moral living, especially those deding with sexual issues."
Thus they ascertained that there was a process to moral decision making. They learned of the
confusion among theologians and priests, but that in the end it was the precepts laid
down by the Magisterium that formed the official teaching of the church and ought to be
followed if we wished to be guaranteed favour by God. Consciously 1 began to
desensitize my scrupulosity for I knew it was incompatible with sanity.
Patricia was caught between the confusion that the priests were experiencing in pre- and post-
Vatican II and her own scrupulosity. This was an impossible situation. Academic education
was primarily education in the faith and academic success was secondary to proper character
formation.
R es o n a nces . Patricia's s top of the competition between the sisters broqht me back to the
stories ~t.hich I had heard in nry +~0~iri2 from my friends about the attitudes expressed by
students and parents, and even accredited to the religious themselves towards both iay reachers
and thse f rom Holy Orders. Teachers who rvere members of the religious were aflorded more
respect than rvere l q teachers. I remember horv in my own c i n tenchersfiorn one order were
corrsiciered to be more effective than those of another order, while lay teachers were held in
lort*et- esteem thuiz ar2~ of the religious.
It was said that teachers from religious orders rvere considered to be more effective tharz lay
teachers for they could focris their lives and energies on teaching. Tfie everyday responsibilities
of lookin y nfier and providing for a family did not concenz them. L a y teachers had ro divide
their nrten tion between family and work and rvere therefore considered second-class.
I wonder $Patricia sensed this corzflict, of wh ich I speak, between religious orders and the
laic- Ifso. did it affect her view of religion and church? Was Patricia aware of co~zfzicr
benveerz the varioirs religious orders? if so. did it afpect her view of religion and church? Did it
affecr her perception of lay teachers and irtJ7rrence her decision to become a teacher? If she rvere
aructre. 12mt. is this experience refated to her- roles as educator arzd practising Rornarz Catholic
urzd to her- prrrsrlit of professional development?
Like Parricia. I sb-ove for perfection. Wzik Patricia was always ar rhe top of her class. I vied
with twu others irl my middle-class Anglican school for this coveted position. Religion was
also part of our curriculnm, and special church days were celebrated with assemblies at school
or chrrrch. Tlze Anglicalz mitzister rvas a regular visitor to our school. Some years he taught
religion cfasses, and one year he rvas my math teacher. The highest aspirations which Roman
Catholic parents had for their children rvas entry into Holy Orders. Ifan Anglican son entered
the nzirzist)~ that, too. was currse for celebration. However, it seemed that Anglican ministers
did not uppear to receive the same respect as Roman Catholic priesrs. I was crnawrare of any
positiorz for yoring women within the Anglican church. Rornarz Catholic girls could become
rZLLIzS.
My best friend, Dorothy, entered the convent upon gradrution from Grade Eleven. I remember
the special tnlnk which she packed for the occasion. Her black shoes were Enna Jetticks
simikrr to those which my Grandmother wore; her heavy coarse conorz undenvear and thick.
rotattractive, opaque. black lisle stockings rvere of the best qrlalitycomfortable but
rir~appealirzg. I was mystified by Dorothy's decision, for she had dated before I had She had
etTerz told nze what it was like to kiss a boy. How could she enter the convent, leaving family,
fi-ierzds, and the pleasrrres and comforts of the world behind? How corrld she not want to nznr?
m i l have children? Wasn't that what wo~nen did? Urzless, of course, yori rvere n Rornan
Catholic gid and decided to become a nun. Anglican girls corilrl be teachers, nurses, or
secretaries. At that time I was unaware that there were Anglican nuns.
I think nborir the relationship between wornerz, the chrirch, and the chrrrch schooI. What does
the chrirch see as the rok of the school and rvornen in society? What part does the chrrrch play
ir? modding the self-corzcepi of children. particulnrly girls? What vnlrr es and consiraints does
the clzrirch place upon women? What does membership in reiigiorcs orders offer rvornen that the
r~v~?*doy world cannor? Why rvus there u place for rvornen in rhe Roman Ccrrholic church and
m t ~r:itizin the Anglicurz church during r q youth? Whx are ruins and sisters allowed to serve as
teachers and nurses, yet not permitted to consecrate the sucraments? Whtrhat does t?zis say about
woman's place before God. before humanity? How does the Bible define the role of rvomeri D
What does the chrrrch o#er women today?
The Catholic Church
The Roman Catholic church played. and continues to play. a prominent role in Pauicia's life.
Church and school were "totally merged into the one experience . . . spun in one continuous
fibre." In reflecting upon her childhood, Patricia wrote. "I was made in the image of God and
must strive for perfection in order to please God, in order to be Iike Him." Patricia also felt
compelled to strive for perfection in the eyes of her parents. Striving to please God became as
important to her as pleasing her parents
Because 1 was already striving for perfection in my parents' eyes. and felt I was being
successful. I figured, in my innocence. that if anyone was going to please God it would
be me . . . . [We were] constantly extolled to strengthen our resolve against sin. We
were exhorted to self-sacrifice. To make my prayer more meaningful to God, I tried
kneeling on pencils and stretching my arms in imitation of the crucified Christ.
Patricia visited church two or three times a day, frequently went to daily Mass, and spent
Sunday mornings with the Society of Holy Angels. Church and school held up the lives of
saints as models through statues. stories, movies. and books. Patricia came to believe that sin
occurs if people are
less than perfect. if they did something to offend God in thought, word or action. My
parents monitored my external sins. God saw all of my internal sins. The notion of
God's omniscience was powerful. The image of the all-seeing eye left no room to
escape from even the occasional indiscretion.
Patricia had a notion of an "all-just. punitive God."
Universitv
At university Patricia joined the Newman Club. a national association of Roman Catholic
students. This gave her opportunity to experience the church in a secular setting. For the first
two years her involvement was at a social level, but in the thrd year she was elected president.
She worked closely with the Jesuit chaplain who was instituting the changes of Vatican II.
There were "living room Masses, dialogues. social gatherings after liturgies." There was a
sense of community. "For the fint time, the Catholic Church became a living being [entity]
with real people struggling to find answers to dilemmas." Patricia continues. "I felt that God
could be pleased with me if my resistance to certain church teachings was reflective and
founded on a real sense of meaningfulness." At university church ritual was becoming less
important. laity were invoived in liturgy. and music was undergoing a folk uansformation. The
chaplain encountered difficulty with some people "who wanted to maintain the Latin rite," but
for Patricia and many others. "he was a breath of fresh air, blowing away the stodginess of
Catholic ritual." Patricia's interaction with the Roman Catholic community at University gave
her "new freedom in . . . . thinking about the church . . . . Reflective dissent became
acceptable."
It was at university that Patricia was able to begin moving away from her need for authority
approval. "I didn't need professors to affirm my personhood, for most of them did not
represent my traditional ideals. and affirmation from them did not hold much credibility for
me." Patricia's need for approval was being met by family and friends. However, she
remembers that she worked at cultivating her own image of the ideal university student. an
"active co-ed studying and socializing, clad in classic Ivy League style." At university she was
"liberated" from wearing the traditional school uniform and delighted in being able to choose
her own dress. She "watched upper class women on campus to determine the correct labels and
styles to wear." The many compliments she received assured Patricia that she was succeeding
in her image-making. She says, "I learned to settle for second-class honours to accomodate
my active socid life."
Patricia was surprised to receive honours and awards in recognition of her university
involvement. for she was "only having a good time and hadn't been the least concerned about
pleasing the university authorities." It seemed ironic to her that those other institutions to which
she had been most dedicated recognized her efforts to a much lesser degree. Her involvement at
the university is not surprising, for even at elementary school Patricia was emerging as a
leader. She did special tasks for teachers, and classmates told her that. when she was not at
school. they had no one to organize their games at recess. Patricia was the model student.
Mirrored in the loving eyes of her parents, she "was the perfect child. bright and obedient." At
university she became a model student, achieved good grades, and was politically active.
The secular context of the university freed Patricia from the controlIing influence of the church.
Struggle. reflection, and resistance to certain church teachings became part of her life. Patricia
put her own interpretation on the church's teachings, attempted to make them fit her needs, and
moved away from doctrinal issues to reflective practice of the church's teachings. She began to
see the church as a living being and capable of change.
R es o n a n c es. Patricia felt the need to question a d challenge her clturclr as a young woman.
whereas I did rzot feel the need to question and challenge my Anglicanism until much later.
Throughout mq life I had been v e c involved in church work, in particular with children and
youth. M y clrildren were choir members and their father was the minister's warden. When
going through the break-up of my marriage, I felt completely divorcedfrom the church. Even
us I write this thesis, almost nine years later. I continue to struggZe with my relationship with
the Anglican church. I continue to believe in God, or some higher power, and sometimes
attend church, bltt I have not joined a parish. I do not know why.
Marriape
Patricia met her husband. John. when they were both in their last year of high school. They
went from high school to university and in second year John entered the seminary. They
remained in touch and. at the end of the year. he returned. They continued dating. but not
exclusively. and eventually became engaged. Although Patricia says, "It appeared natural and
right to get married." she broke the engagement during the year before the marriage. She was
not ready to make the commitment. She felt jittery but. in the end. felt that their marriage was
what God wanted. She felt a sense of rightness about being with John. for he respected her
values. Patricia said that she saw in him a strength and a protectiveness: a sense of humour:
and a carefree and fun-loving attitude toward life--"a perfect foil to my seriousness and
tendency towards scrupulosity."
Patricia and John married. but during that first year continued to live what she describes as
single [separate] lives. They each had their own jobs. own friends. own cars. and too much
partying. It was impossibIe for John to live up to the image of devoted husband which Patricia
had acquired and expected. She found the responsibilities of house and husband difficult, but
told no one. She did not want to worry anyone. particularly her parents. Nor did she want to
appear to have "less than the ideal marriage." Life that year inside what was described by
neighbours as "the little doll house" was not what Patricia wanted. She felt she was "playing at
marriage."
When writing the story of her life some years ago Patricia described her husband as chauffeur
and cook. She said that she and John "have achieved a liberating independence" in their
marriage. They have some common friends. and each has male and female friends. "To
maintain the stability of our home. we have to let the other be free . . . . At this stage of our
relationship. John mirrors my ideal image of father and lover."
R e s o n a rz c e s . Putricia felt that her mrriage to her c/zildhood sweethean "appeared narrual atul
righr "; k is personality balancing her scrupulosity Despite that, she broke the engagement the
year before the marriage. I. too, hesitated about entering a marriage with my clzildhood
sweetheart. Tom in ru.0 different directions, rvanting to finish my edrtcation, and wanting to
m a r w Ifiizcdfy relented, afier tny fiancee promised he would aNow me to complete rnv
ruzdergratlriate degree sotnetiine in the fitlure.
Why did Patricia and I hesitate about marriage? W'hy could Patricia not share her real feelings
aborrr the responsibilities of hortser-vork and husband? When her images, of what each short ld
be, and the r e n l i ~ , of what each rryas, caused her diflic~rlty, why could she not speak of it?
Whar silenced her? Why was I silenced? Why coirld I not push aside the sacred ston) of what
mat-ri~rge n.as supposed ro be, pul( back the cover story r-uhich uppeared ro the outside world,
crtzd rell rhe secret s toc of rn! life and feelings when things were not as I thought they shordd
be? Why were Pntncia and I isolatedfrorn other wotnert by a code of sr'lence?
I remember how rnx mother as affected by the break-up of my sister's marriage. how this
v e n izealth_t' wonmn became gravely ill. Her docror diagnosed her condition as stress-related. 1
mribrrtr it to beitrg si1e)zced. unable to share her troubles, bearing rhem in isolation, and feeling
grriln. In our socir6 a clzifdi problems are considered a reflecrion of parenring abilities.
Wzy wus tnurriuge to childhood sweethearts the path which both Patricia and I took? Did earl!
rekctionship and marriage a.ect our concepts of self and our career paths? How ? Why did I
need n promise frotn my hrcsband-to-be that I conld return to university? What was my fear?
Why \rTere certain topics not discussed? How were images of pe$ection lied to our identities.
and n-hy did rvefi.el kve had ro realize them? Why wczs admission of drflc~clty u sign of failure?
Where was our sense of loyalty to self as well as to others? W7y are we judged according to
dze lives of our children?
Teachine and Marria~e
Patricia's graduate work was followed by marriage and her appointment to a school where
students treated teachers "with disdain . . . . Perfection in the classroom was unobtainable: my
desired image of myself as teacher was even more blurred than it had been earlier." To this was
added the complications of the first year of marriage. Patricia says, "I resolved to change
careers and find professional work in which my success and achievement could be judged by
the standards of my own competence. and not solely on my ability to motivate reluctant others
to achieve." At the core she was struggling with unattainable images of wifehood. She
encouraged her husband to apply to a distant university. for it seemed imperative that they
remove themselves from their hometown in order to create a life together.
While away. they lived in a small apartment in married students' quarters. John studied. and
Patricia travelled to her teaching position in a community some forty miles away. Patricia
inherited a class that was totalIy out of control. However. it was in this school that she became
"reaffirmed" in her vocation. It was also during that year that she and her husband formed a
bond "that has sustained us ever since." They became a couple and made common friends. She
found the Roman Catholic parish in her new city a great source of strength- She recalIs: "A lack
of money brought a healthy simplicity to our lives." They no longer led separate lives but did
things together. Then they decided to start a family. The
most meaningful religious experience that year was the conception of my daughter. . . .
Pregnancy brought inner peace and joy: my friends said I glowed. I revelled in the shape
of my pregnant form and the picture of maternal happiness which I portrayed to the
world.
At the end of the year. Patricia and her husband returned home, where her baby was born.
Patricia had troubIe adjusting to the demands of motherhood. despite the fact that her husband
was an enthusiastic father and shared in the caregiving Patricia "had never before had to
subordinate [her] will so completely to the demands of another human being and adjustment
was difficult."
R eso n a n c es. I identzfi with Patricia T response to pregnancy. I, too. felt pregnancy r r m ci
spiritrial exper-ie~zcr--arz extension of the love between n man and woman. Words were
ilzadeqrrnte to describe the miracles of conception and birth. German measles, in tlze first
trimester, had trtrned seven months of my first pregnancy into a nightmare which ended rryitiz
tile safe deliveq of a strong and healthy son. His father. denied permission to be present,
experienced Pard S birth in the waiting room as I lay prostrate on that hard delivery table, fitlly
corzsciuris bur euphoric, obliviorrs of the sveat, pain, and exhaustion of delivev, greeting orrr
nebt.-horrz sorz kvith kircghter and tears--signs of relief and delight. I was "Mom. " frilfilled; my
hrtsband. a father, although it wodd be nvertty minutes before he wortld hold his son. All was
right with my world. Like Patricia, for the first time. my life was to be governed by the
demands of someone completely dependent or1 me. I woitld live in the rhythm of another's life.
Twice more I would experience the joy of carrying a child close to my heart, feeling the
movemwt ufnnotlzer body within mine--the stirrings of new life inside me--and experience the
becute and wonder of giving birth as Roger, ctnd then Andrea came into o w lives. As I .
memally and emotionally revelled in the happiness of my first few week; of motherhood, my
body suffered pain and physical exharrstion. but eventually adjusted to my new patterns of
living. I srlspect Patricia's did the same-
WAF did P~rtricia ccnd I feel that pregnancy and motherhood brought out the best in both of w ?
Had r-tVr been coditioned to this? Why did ct7e "glow"? How did the word "glow" come ro be
used to describe the way healthy women look during pregnancy? Why was pregnancy expected
to agree with women? Why did Patricia and I consider giving birth a spiritual act? Does biology
cfetennirze what we do ~t'ith our lives? What is the origin of o w images of motherhood? Who
detemzirzes that woman is more suited to care for the yowzg? Who relegates woman to be the
pri~nciq caregiver even though both father and mother corzrribute to conception? I wonder $
Patricia ponders these tlzings ?
Two years later Patricia and her family moved into a new house. An unfortunate incident at the
time of the move caused Patricia and her husband much grief. Although Patricia was not well
that year. she could not take time off because her husband was not employed full-time. He
substituted and did replacement reaching. By then. Patricia was pregnant with her second child.
and the stress brought about premature labour and birth injury to her child. Patricia had always
been capable of handling things on her own but. at this point. she surrendered to her faith.
Prayer restored her calm and sustained her. In thinking back upon this time Patricia said
What can I say about this period of my life? My image of the perfect life and marriage
had certainly dissolved. I had to step down from the pedestal I tried to maintain for
myself. I no longer saw myself as a person of privilege: I felt demeaned by the dilemma
and exhausted with the care of Ryan. It was the first time in my life that I felt my life
was completely out of control. I couldn't do a thing about the problems and I couldn't
sustain Ryan alone. I felt very vulnerable. but I sought refuge in my faith. God's love
was always present for me.
Within a year the incident which had played havoc with their lives was resolved. By this time
Patricia had decided to stay home to look after her babies and complete her Master's program.
She and John were now financially secure and expecting another child.
Patricia credits her children. in particular her daughter. with giving her greater insight into
herself. When describing her boys she says they mirror images of the "ideal pre-adolescent
child" and "the ideal male adolescent personality." However. she describes her daughter as her
nemesis.
Raising our daughter has been very difficuIt for me. We are very unlike in personality.
and the norms that guided my life as a child do not guide hers. Pleasing her parents is
not her rnodus operandi. I do not understand her need to rebel because I never felt that
need myself. I have wanted her to be perfect in my own childhood image. but she has
steadfastly refused to do so ( a genuine indication of her intelligence).
In the midst of a discussion one day Patricia's daughter turned to her and said
Mom. you only want me to do well so you can say you've got the peerfect daughter.
You want me to fit into your image so everyone can say. 'Mrs. O'Sullivan has the
perfect daughter!' Well. I'm not going to be Miss Perfect for your image.
Patricia concluded that in trying to mould her daughter into her own image she had indeed
created a problem.
For the next eight years Patricia taught at an dl- girls7 school. Through her teaching of Religion
and English she gained a respectable reputation. When teaching positions were reduced due to
declining enrollments Patricia received a redundancy notice which jolted her out of her secure
complacency. The next year she chose to apply for a new position and became vice-principal of
an elementary school--her first lay school.
Administration
Patricia's appointment to an administrative position brought her from the responsibility for
herself and one single class of students to the responsibility for the entire student body and
school staff. She went "from servant of thirty-five to servant of nine hundred . . . . The
church's concepts of leadership and service held new meaning." In this new position she
created the role of pastoral co-ordinator "to nurture a caring Christian environment in the
school." It was at this school that Patricia won an award for administrative competence. She
and her husband also became involved in a school-board project in faith and development for
teachers. With a priest and sister Patricia prepared sessions for reflection and private journal
writing. Through
considerable reflection and private journal writing those involved were able to come to
terms with [their] own concepts of teaching and to interpret these concepts in the light
of faith so we could share our stories with other teachers. For John and me. the five
years of weekly meetings were both liberating and strengthening. For the fxst time in
our lives, we experienced the church in a pastoral dimension--supportive, dfirmative,
and kind. We saw a new God--the God present in relationship. The chains of my
scrupulosity loosened. and I could begin to trust the dictates of my own conscience. I
developed tolerance for the short-comings of others and began to accept my own
imperfections as inevitable and unavoidable because I am human. Relinquishing my
hold on my ever-elusive sainthood. I began to ceIebrate my humanity, imperfections
and all. With Ingrid and Larry. our group leaders. we envisioned the all-loving and the
all-forgiving God and formulated a new image of the Roman Catholic church--wiser
about its human imperfections. yet more aware of its restorative power as human
community.
Patricia's questioning of her church and her search for answers sent her on a
personal/professionaI development quest. During the summer of L 986 she registered for a
course in human sexuality. She remembers
[My concepts of sexuality had been] coioured by the teaching of the Catholic Church.
and I wanted to examine the issues of the Catholic church in the cold light of day. in a
secular community milieu, free from religious bias. so I could determine the validity of
church teaching for myself.
It was there that the previous experience "crystallized" for her. There was a contrast of the
theologies of Pope John XXIII and Pope Paul VI.
It was a revelation to me that my confusion in developing a solid morality of sexuality
was legitimate. I discovered that in my personal life I was operating out of Pope John's
theology which judged morality in terms of relationship. In my professional life.
however. I was required to teach Catholic doctrine founded in Pope Paul's theology
which judged morality in terms of objective acts.
When Patricia asked the facilitator if the two theologies could be reconciled he answered, "No.
but . . . for the sake of your students you have to keep trying."
In referring to this experience she said
A course I had deliberately chosen for its freedom from religious bias had provided one
of the most meaningful spiritud experiences of my life. I understood experientially that
where there was truth, there. too. was God . . . . [I was] empowered to hold my own
mirror--to have confidence in my own ability to evaluate my own behaviour.
In 1988. when Patricia was appointed assistant principal at a high school she found herself
asklng: "What makes a Christian school?" Sometime before. she had called for volunteers to
define a Christian school. Together they "started with the focus of developing some quality
liturgies in the school. . . [and eventually there was recognition] of some other events that
were part of the life of the school."
Patricia's pastoral team, a group that eventually grew to thirtyfive teachers and students
gathered to establish dynamic processes within the school that motivate and energize
students and other teachers to care about each other as human beings--God's creations.
both as individuals and collectively as members of a Christian community.
In such an environment students feel
at home. valued. and Ioved . . . . Our school has acquired quite a good reputation for
academic achievement. reasonable discipline, and religious values. In my role as
assistant principal and as pastoral team member, I m finally in the strong supportive
environment in which I live and work. able to be a mirror. I hope I mirror God's image
to students and teachers in my interactions with them. 1 also hope that I am able to
reflect their positive selves back to them when they. like me. are desperate for adult
affirmation.
In October of Patricia's second year at this particular school an automobile accident claimed the
lives of several members of the community. two of whom were her students. Upon hearing
about the accident Patricia went to the scene to determine if indeed the awful rumour were true.
She remembers thinking
Oh. my God! What am I going to do? . . . I called the Pastoral Team and asked them to
meet the next day [which was] Sunday. They had the grace of a day to get an action
plan together. I said. "Meet us on Sunday afternoon to plan how to respond on Monday
when the students come in.'' And then 1 called everyone else on the staff to telI them
that we had suffered ths tragedy.
In thinking back on the experience she suggests
Maybe it [the pastoral team] was . . . the forerunner of the TERT (Tragic Events
Response Team) or crisis intervention team . . . . We set up procedures for going
through classes. grief sessions for the kids. a memorial service for Monday aftemoon.
[asking] people to do obituaries--those little euIogies at the end of the Mass. We
planned a homily with the presider [and discussed] what he should say in the homily.
Everybody gave their advice about that. . . . There was terrible @ef. The kids were
devastated. A lot of them came into school [that morning] not knowing that two of their
number had been killed. But all of the teachers were ready for [them] . . . . We had
planned this memorial liturgy for the afternoon. So. we just focused on the kids. They
were going to do something . . . have this liturgy, and the kids who were dosest [to the
accident victims] were the people who put the most into it. We endeavoured to keep
them busy and occupied . . . . The liturgy was so powerful that it was just incredible.
There was such a sense of connectedness and caring community among the nine
hundred people. or so. who were there. At the end of the Mass. when the last hymn
was over. not a person stirred--nobody. There was just a profound sense of
connectedness and caring . . . the silence.
You couldn't send [all the] kids to the Funerals. obviously, because there were too
many of them. So we decided we would line up on either side of [the main road], and
have the cortege for both funerals come that way . . . . The parents of the kids who
died said that. for them. that was the most touching part of the funeral . . . all of the
classmates lined up . . . . That part of it was meaningful. The kids cried for pretty well
three days . . . . And so . . . we thought. "It's time to get this place back together.
again." So on Thursday. we more or less got back ro normal. What a strange feeling [I
had] walking down the hall on Thursday morning [when] I heard someone laugh. It
was the first time in three days I had heard anyone laugh. But the experience of the
students' deaths changed or altered the tone of the school for the next four years. It was
just that the students had a certain expectation of all the liturgies [which] we had after
that. The day of the memorial liturgy was the day the heart started to beat in that school.
Patricia felt the principal brought "the head of rational thinlang" to the school, but the tragedy
and the work of the pastord team had brought the heart. In Patricia's words
it seemed like together we had . . . brought this whole school through a crisis without
catastrophe . . . it was handled and the kids felt cared for. . . . It was after this that the
students themselves were invited to actually become part of the Pastoral Team . . . . It
was an advisory group. but it was more than chat. They were an action group. too.
The action plan included development of adult faith. orientation of new students. integration of
handicapped students. peace and justice issues. liturgy. and volunteer activity. The students
added their own concern about kids who were living on the fringes and even established a
teenage forum to discuss these issues--a forum connected to a recent teenage talk series.
Many times Patricia would attend these sessions. arriving with "not a thought in my head . . . .
At the end of the evening. some wonderful idea, like an action plan. would have emersed."
There was always "such a sense [of commitment and co-operation]. when the adults and kids
were together. talking about what we could do in the school to make it a more Christian place
to be." Eventually an adult faith development team evolved from this group. As time went by.
their conversations allowed them an appreciation of each other's experiences and perspectives.
They were able to enrich each other's understandings. It was here that Patricia "was educated
. . . to the fact that women's spirituality is very different from men's."
This realization came about as the group discussed the Nativity. Some of the clergy in the
oroup came to the topic of the Nativity through a "kind of academic reflection . . . . The three =
women in the group had three very different experiences with childbirth or lack thereof, and so
we came to the reflection from three very different perspectives." She remembers that the "re-
telling of the story of the Nativity from a woman's point of view appeared to be an enthralling
experience for the clergy who were experiencing female spirituality in a new context.'' As
previously noted. for Patricia. pregancy, childbirth, and mothering are spiritual experiences
I just love newborn babies. And I loved when they [would] wake up in the middle of
the night. and I would pick them up and feed them, and then put them up here on my
shoulder. so that their little faces are right here on my neck. and just rock with them 'ti1
they go to sleep. And then I would just stay with them for hours, long after they were
asleep. I had such a sense that each child was a gift from God. And then my reflection
. . . is that Mary would have had those same feelings about this child. But Mary would
have known not only that this child was from God. but actually was God. And I often
thought. "How would 1 fee1 if 1 knew this child was God'? Jesus that 1 had? And that
really made me stretch my imagination. So [I think about the] human feelings. as well
as all kinds of spiritual feelings that she wary] must have had about this Little infant.
So. for the priests. really when we talked about this aspect of women's spirituality [it]
was just an incredible experience.
Patricia continues in her search to be the best that she can be and when I last spoke with her she
was working at the district level and pursuing further studies. Patricia has gone from her
childhood acceptance of doctrine to her adult desire to fmd spiritual meaning in her church's
teaching. She wants her church to meet the needs of people in the 21st century.
The Catholic Church: govern in^ Home, Church and School Teachings
School. family. and church teachings merged as Patricia strove for religious and academic
perfection and for her parents' approval. She was driven by her perception that sin occurred
when people were less than perfect, and she sought to be more than perfect through self-
abnegation. kneeling on pencils. and stretching her arms in prayer. She felt that her parents
saw her outward sin while her God Iooked inwardly. There was no room for indiscretion. At
school. rnisbehaviour and under-achievement were rewarded by corporal punishment.
Patricia's scrupulosity was entrenched.
R e s o n an c e s. Patricia 's story resonates with my own: singing songs from places in our lives
where we were forced to walk in silence. Our untrained voices sonletimes connect in unison,
singing the same song; same words and meaning; one melody. Some songs are in harmony;
same topic, similar experience: a blending of our voices and experience. From time to time
there are ruriatiorts on a theme. for ortr lives are the same b~dr dzfferent- Resonance and
dissorzcznce are present as our voices are pushed by the similar, brlr sometimes diverse.
experiences and knowledge embedded in oztr minds, bodies, and sorrls. Sometimes we sing
done. Each s top is n variation on a theme of being a woman. a woman attempting to find
balance mzd harmony in living the life of family and career, a woman searching for-fnIfilIrnent
while corztitzuing to weave a life.
As I wrote this section I was overcome with the memory and feelings of motherhood.
Poem for My Babies and Other Days
Close to my heart I carried you.
Felt you kick within.
Close to my heart I carried you
Felt you wanting to find your way out.
Across the years
I can still feel your movement inside me.
At first a gentle fluttering
Stirrings of new life,
No forewarner of the kicking to come
As your time nears
To burst forth from the safety
And imprisonment of my womb.
Such intimacy
Born of the love between
Your Dad and Mom.
Your life came from ours.
We gave you life.
You gave new life to me.
We gave you love.
You returned it-
I remember your birth.
I feel the joy, the pain.
The unsuccessful first attempts to nurse you.
Your twisting to get my nipple,
The special sound you utter
When my milk flows freely
And you drink.
Drink and sleep . . - .
Drink and sleep . . . .
Your digestive system works well.
More work for me, but that's inconsequential.
Sometimes you bite.
I jump with pain.
But bask in my new-found purpose.
My body is healing.
Yours is adjusting to the harshness
Of the world outside my womb.
For me. such joy. such bliss.
Jarred only when I attempt to move
Or walk across the room.
Then the physical scars oC birthing.
Although I tend to forget them.
Sharply remind me to tread slowly.
Adjustment is not only rnine
But yours as well.
How do you feel?
What do you think.
0. little child of mine?
After you feed
Your Dad burps you
Leaving me to relax.
Together we've changed our worlds.
How will that world change us?
How will you change?
How will you change the world?
Who knows.
For we have only just begun to live our story'?
(Samson, 1998)
Chapter Seven
Beth Luttrell
Breaking the Stereotv~e
Some friends. colleagues. and I had been involved in a conversation about our experience as
women. We were discussing the role which guilt plays in the lives of women. For most of us,
guilt was a constant. to the point that someone said. "I almost feit guilty for living.'- It was at
this point in our conversation that Beth made a remark which caused me to invite her to become
a participant in this study. There were reasons which had prompted my interest in Beth's life
narrative. her story of family and career. She was a well-respected member of the teaching
profession. In the knowledge I had gained of Beth as friend and colleague. I saw many ways
in which she departed from what I considered the norm for teachers. Teachers were
conservative--did the usual teacher things--reinforced tradition and the establishment. Beth
broke my stereotypical images of woman and educator. Her remarks about guilt put another
fracture line in my stereotypical image of female teacher.
Maybe I am suffering a grand illusion, but I don't feel guilt. Perhaps I should. but I
don't. But generdly when I make choices it turns out what I want to do. except when
there are things such as, my having a work commitment the same weekend as the
Jamieson Conference. I need to go back to that job, so that has to come first. even
though I would like to be there [at the conference]. But in the kinds of things you were
talking about. I've not experienced this, at least very rarely. and I think one of the
differences is I never had children. I did not marry until recently. I never intended to get
married. and when I did, I was just surprised. (Conversation. 1992)
At first 1 could not name a reason for Beth's departure from the traditional images of teacher to
which I adhere. but now realize her departure is in a feminist consciousness which comes
through in everything she does. It is in her thinking. her conversations. and her actions. It is
not only a professional way of seeing the world, but a private way as well. Her feminist
consciousness influences even her gift-giving to her young nieces. It distresses her to see
people emphasizing the appearance of little girls, rather than their accomplishments. Beth, aunt
to both a young niece and a nephew. has noticed how much more frequently the little boy is
rewarded for his accompiishrnents. rather than the little girl. After her niece's first birthday,
Beth and her husband. Charles. made a decision never to gift their nieces with clothes. Instead
they make a conscious effort to find non-stereotypical toys or books. They do the same for
their nephews. They do not want to perpetuate the stereotypical myths surrounding gender and
young children. Beth does not want to limit her niece's goals because she is female. She sees
her niece and nephew. even at this very young age. as having very different lives because of
gender. Beth says that already her nephew's competitive edge and her niece's enjoyment of C
relationship are evident.
grow in^ UD
Beth is fifteen months older than her brother. Bill, whom she describes as
. . . . the bane of my early Iife. While at times it was good to have a companion. I grew
to resent him much of the time, for I felt that my senioricy should result in some
privileges. However. Grandma and Grandpa were not of the same view. They seemed
to think that. because we were so close in age, we should be treated equally in many
ways (same bedtime, allowance, and other privileges).
Beth remembers the Christmas they both received bicycles. She really thought she should have
received her bicycle the year before her brother;
. . . there were an increasing number of occasions on which Bill seemed to be treated
better than I was. and at first I couldn't figure out why. It was probably after Tom was
born. and he also seemed to acquire more privileges even though he was five years
younger than I. that I began to realize that being male had some distinct advantages.
Beth sees her father as having significant influence in her becoming a feminist. although she
does not believe that was his intent. Her Dad always called her "Blondie." [a name] '* . . ,
which 1 hated. although at the time I had no idea why. It was several years before it occurred to
me that I did not want my identity linked with physical appearance.'. Beth considers that her
father's intent was to be affectionate. but the message she received "had the affect of
harassment although at the age of three. the word wasn't in my vocabulary."
Beth received many spoken and unspoken messages which bothered her. Until she was seven
or eight. she and her brother played and were not expected to do much real work. When she
was nine. she and Bill were no longer treated equally. Beth remembers having "to stay home
and help Mom cook. wash dishes. do laundry. and look after [her] five year-old brother and
baby sister." while her brother. Biil. was allowed to drive the tractor and do other adult things.
In Beth's opinion, there was no comparison between working at home with mother and
learning to drive the tractor. As a result. Beth -'developed a strong distaste to gender
differentiated roles."
Beth looked forward to "coming of age7'--getting her driver's license when she turned sixteen.
She could qualify for her license fifteen months before her brother, Bill. When she took the
test. the examiner was satisfied. Her father was not. He had hoped she would fail. Although
she had her license. she was not atlowed to borrow the car until about the same time that her
brother got his license. However. she took responsibility for her brothers and sisters in her
parents' absence. She referred to this responsibility not as baby-sitting but as "enforced
confinement with my siblings." While she sat with her younger siblings. her brothers went off
with their friends. When they were at home with her, they would not accept her authority. Beth
thinks that these experiences may have provided her first realization that "a good leader should
be sensitive to the views of followers."
When Beth was fourteen. her mom gave birth to a little girl with whom Beth developed a very
positive attitude and rapport. She enjoyed taking care of her
It almost seemed like having my own baby. At the time I thought I was doing
everything [for my sister]. feeding. bathing, changing her, mixing formula, and
Iaundering diapers. I know now. however. that there was a vast difference [between
doing these things and assuming the full role of being mother]. I didn't get up in the
night when she was fussy. I left her with Mom everyday while I went to school [and]
any time I wanted to go out with my friends. And I didn't have to earn money to buy
food. shelter. and clothing for her.
Beth and her younger sister became very good friends. It was no wonder that her sister "would
stand sobbing at the back door" as Beth left to return to university. or later, to her teaching
position.
Beth's sense of responsibility earned her the privilege of staying with her great-grandmother
when her grandmother went south for the winter. This was at a time when Beth and her Dad
were not getting along well. so this privilege provided a reprieve for Beth and her family. Beth
thought at the time. that "Dad tried his best to make my life difficult." but realizes now that her
parents were doing the very best for her, "based on their [then] knowledge and ideas." She
jokingly says "I must ask him [Dad] sometime if he thought the same about me. pf I were
deliberately trying to make life difficult for him?]."
Beth credits her mother with contributing to her feminist leanings. Her mother had wanted to
be an architect, but her parents farmed and money was scarce. Her parents also had traditional
expectations for her. "Her actual career 'choice' was to become, or not to become. a teacher."
She became a teacher and taught in a country school before marrying Beth's Dad. Beth
remembers her Mom doing oil painting in the very Lirde spare time that she had. She also
remembers her Mom playing the piano and singing- It seemed. to Beth, that as her Mother had
to devote more time to her family, she had less and less time for her painting and her music.
She turned to sewing and knitting for her family.
As time went by and Beth's younger brothers and sisters got manied. it appeared that Beth
"was destined to remain single. That was certainly my intention as well. However, that was ail
to change a few years ago when to everyone's surprise. including my own. I finally married."
Beth cannot remember seeing her Mother sick, but within months of Beth's marriage her Mom
developed cancer. This was followed by a heart condition and later diabetes. In reflection Beth
thinks .
I believe it was at that point. after her last child was married, that Mom believed her
parentd role to be fulfilled and finally dlowed herself to get sick. It was almost as if
she had being saving up all the times that she was not welI. when her family was
younger, and had forced herself to keep going.
Beth believes in the importance of family. but disagrees with the "assumption that the mother
must assume responsibility for the family. regardless of her abilities, talents, and desires."
Beth thnks it a tragedy that her Mother was unable to fulfill her dreams because of family
responsibilities.
Beth did well in school. She was co-operative. well-mannered, and received good grades. Her
aunts and uncles encouraged her cousins to look to her as an example. However. this was not
something Beth wanted: "[I continue to be] surprised that my cousins like me. after having to
suffer comparisons with me. when they knew full well that I wasn't as angelic as their parents
suggested."
A Time For Choosing: Were There Choices?
Beth considered becoming a teacher or doctor. Nursing did not interest her. Since she did not
know any women doctors. she remained silent about her goal, and talked instead about
teaching. Beth was not interested in high marks. She admits that she did not have good work
habits but- nevertheless, with very little effort on her part. managed to get marks that were
quite satisfactory. She felt that her high school teachers did not motivate students to work.
Despite this, Beth was the only one in her class of twenty-eight who passed all the required
school-leaving credits in one year.
The high school guidance program consisted of the principal talking with each of us
[during that last year of high school] after we had written an aptitude test. He told me I
had done extremely well on the test and asked me if I wanted to become a teacher or a
nurse. I think he told me I could go to university, but he didn't recommend it. This is
not to say that he told me not to go but that it really was a non-issue for h m .
When she was in Grade Eleven Beth had a health problem which caused her to be hospitalized.
The prognosis was that within a year she would be confined to a wheelchair. The doctor
advised her to get used to a sedentary life. Beth quit skiing, and loaned her accordion to a
friend because it would put too much strain on her back to play it. About the same time. one of
Beth's teachers developed cancer of the spine. His death was imminent. Beth was terror-
stricken and thought chat she. too. would die. Her marks dropped. However. a few months
later. when she was still able to walk. she thought that maybe the prognosis was wrong. It was
then that she began to think about going to university.
The University Years
In order to attend university. Beth had to leave home. This gave her a great sense of
independence. However. her poor work habits went with her. In addition, she lived in
residence where she '-was immediately seduced by social activities as more attractive
alternatives to study. For the first time in my Life, there was always someone available to
socialize rather than prepare for tests or exams." Later that year. during the second term, Beth's
illness resurfaced. She was unable to catch up with her studies and failed the year. She felt the
need to get some sort of training before looking for a job. She was interested in journalism, but
her parents thought she should go to teachers' college. In the end, she went to teachers' college
and stayed with a friend. She did not see much of her old university friends,
. . . in part because of our schedules and the distance separating us, but also. because I
was feeling quite sheepish about having failed the year. I wasn't used to failing and had
great difficulty accepting it. I remember also that when I did see some of them [my
classmates] and heard about their antics in the residence. I thought they were quite
immature. How short my memory was! That was a clear indication that I was
beginning to make the transition to life as a teacher. and was beginning to see myself as
one.
Teaching
Beth began her teaching career as an itinerant French teacher. She was the assistant to the
supervisor and shared the teaching of sixty-five classes in six schools. She saw all classes over
a two-week period and each Friday stayed at the office to plan for the next week. It was in this
system that she met four women principals, including Louise, who became her mentor. Beth
felt that each of these four women had a unique influence over her staff. The principal of one
school was grossly over-worked with just a half day per week to attend to administrative
duties. The man who replaced her was given a much lighter workload and was quickly judged
to be a much better principal. It was here that Beth first became infuriated that "so many people
would translate this into an issue of the leader's gender."
Beth's experience as an itinerant French teacher was twenty-five yean ago. But even then these
women administrators had a support group with other women in leadership positions. They
included Beth in some of their dinners and stimulating conversations. It was from this
experience that Beth learned to appreciate the value of a women's support system. The next
year Beth was paired up with another male supervisor and began
. . . to resent doing most of the work, while Matthew was paid the responsibility
allowance. By taking one more summer course. I could earn a supervisor's certificate.
so. at the end of the year, I resigned and became the supervisor with a Board at the
other end of the city.
It was at the suggestion of a ministry consultant that Beth became a supervisor. In this position
she helped other teachers learn how to teach French. rather than doing it for them.
Thus at the ripe age of twenty-three. I began supervising French lessons taught by
much more experienced teachers. I had a good rapport with most teachers, and they
were amazingly co-operative about teaching French. Although most of them were quite
nervous . . . . [One] teacher met me at the door. as I was about to enter, to tell me the
sad news that her tape-recorder wouldn't work. I happened to have a screw-driver in
my pocket. I produced it. took the tape-recorder apart, and repaired it.
In an attempt to overcome their nervousness the teachers and Beth arrived at a compromise.
The teachers would begin the lesson. Beth would come in late and gradually take over. She
recalls
At the end of the year when I left many of the teachers commented on how much they
had learned from the experience. By the same token. I had learned much about teaching
and about interacting with the different classes. as well as about motivating teachers.
Reso n n n c e. Beth's introduction to teachitzg does not resonate with the experience of many of
us who entered the profession as classroom reachers. Becarlse Beth was an itinerant specialist.
~issistarzt to the supervisor, and evenrually supervisor, she moved back and fonh on the
prnfirssional knowledge lcrndscape in n rvav which classroont teachers do not. The h7zowledge
she gciitledfr-orn this gave her n much more comprehensive .einderstutzding of the working of
schools than that which she would have acquired ns u beginning classroom teaclzer. Everz as a
nelv teacher. Beth became involved with women in leadership positions and began mo virzg into
increasitzgly responsible posirions.
This nus so rmlikr the experience which I had as a classroom teacher responsible for Mrcsic
trrrd the core s~rbjects ill n grcide-five classroom. I surv only the school to which I had been
assigned, met reachers 3-om orizer schools infrequently, and did not get to know the out- of-
classroom places on the professional knowledge [andscape beyond my own school. I wonder
if Beth's punictclar irztrod~~ction to teachirzg infzuerzced her career path.
Returning To Universitv
That fall Beth followed the advice of a Ministry official and returned to university to get another
French degree. Within a few months her plans were changed by the tragic death of Betty. a
very close friend. At the time, Beth could not get confirmation of the death. Therefore she
missed the funeral. and could not grieve with the other friends. Beth and her friend, Betty, had
spent many hours together learning French. "It was just too painful to begin studying French
two weeks after learning about her death. I switched to an honours psychology and physiology
program." For the next year and a half Beth kept her distance from the other students. She had
convinced herself that it was better not to have friends than risk losing them. Beth worked three
to four part-time jobs to pay for her studies. She played in a band with three men. The
experience taught her severai things about leadership.
First. I was surprised to discover that. I. a mere twenty-four year old female.
was able to influence men [who were] two or three times my age. That was a real
revelation to me. More importantly though. this experience re-enforced the point that it
requires more than being named to the position to be a real leader and to earn the
support and the respect of the group. For me, this was probably the first time I
experienced the male tolerance for other males. in spite of their foibles.
Later, Beth quit university to earn enough money to ensure that she could return to school in
the fall without financial worries. She used her musical skills and tutored Anthony, a young
disabled student. for a half day per week. She tutored on Saturdays so she could supply teach
during the week. Beth was allowed a great amount of freedom with her student's curriculum.
Anthony's keen interest in biology led to an unexpected adventure when Beth forgot to tell her
landlady that she had stored some animals. intended for dissection. in the freezer. Beth took
Anthony on many field trips. the highlight of which was a trip to the local taxidermist. She
knew that Anthony's father did not really want to take him on trips and thought it was possible
that he did not want to be associated with his child's disability. But Beth took Anthony out
because she believed it would be good for him to explore the world beyond his home.
Beth saw Anthony's mother as being strong for him in his illness. yet playing the role of
subservient wife. In her youth and enthusiasm Beth thought she knew what was best for
Anthony and often struggled to lift him into her car as his father watched from the porch. She
was surprised. one day several months later. when Anthony's father offered to loan her his
Cadillac car. She interpreted this as a sign that Anthony's father was beginning to approve of
his son's field trips. Beth was quite pleased the following year to learn that Anthony's father
had begun to take him and his brother on trips to the city. Beth felt that she had succeeded in
setting her message across to Anthony's father.
Resonance. Beth's experience with Anthony reminds nre of my experience, during m y third
Fear of teaching, with an autistic child Peter was a Kindergarten student who could not speak.
\r7rrs not toilet trained. and related onlv to the vaciirtrn cleaner. But the school board admitted
hint mtd he was rn?. sruderzt. Peter was a challenge. At that time I was ~tnmarried and spent
hours on Saturdays and Sundays nr Peter's house working with him and his parents. Peter's
problem war thought to have originated in a Inck of bonding with his mother. She had become
ill shortly after his birth, and he was rv~ithorct her for the first SLY months of his life. Peter
became a very important part of my life. I am 1201 sure /tow this affectedfuture relationships
with st~cdems, in particrtlar sntdenrs who had special needs. In retrospect. I wonder how?
Peter's Morn coped rvitlz the medical opinion that lack of bonding with her due to her illness
war responsible for his autism? How did it affect his Dad and the relationships within the
family ?
Enterinp Administration
At the age of twenty-four. with three years experience as teacher of French, Beth became
acting-principal of a school which was located in an area of high unemployment and where
poverty was prevalent. She taught a grade five and six class and carried out her administrative
duties during music periods and after school. The principal had suffered a nervous breakdown.
Beth could not find any records of what had been taught previously in her class. In her position
as acting-principal she received some opposition from several students and one teacher.
Shoxtiy after commencing her duties at this particular school Beth encountered Dan, a young
male student. who had attended many different schools and seemed to resent women as
authority figures. Beth could not allow his attitude to go unchallenged. She decided he had to
be punished for his rnisbehaviour. but because he was a bus student she could not keep him in
after school- She therefore assigned him extra work to be done at home. Next day. Dan arrived
with his homework left undone, and carrying a note from his mother saying that if Beth
strapped her son. she would strap Beth. Dan showed the note to the other students before
giving it to Beth. and taunted Beth at every opportunity during class. Beth proceeded with the
strapping. She wrote Dan's mother a note explaining why she had strapped Dan, and invited
her to come to the school to discuss the matter. Dan's mother came immediately. When she
arrived. Beth was on the telephone speaking to the superintendent. who had called to see how
things were going. He suggested that he might like to speak with Dan's mother. Beth expected
Dan and his siblings to be moved to another school next day. They were not. The next week,
Beth found that the board policy concerning strapping had been changed during the previous
year. This incident left her searching for other ways to deal with difficult students. Even now,
Beth wonders what effect her reactions to children's behaviour have had upon them. During
the next few weeks Dan's behaviour improved somewhat.
A few weeks later someone broke into the school. Afterwards. Dan and his brother, who had
been watching from the hill. went inside and cleaned up the mess because they did not want
Beth to be upset when she found it. When she found out about this Beth told the boys that had
they been caught inside the school they might have been blamed for the break-in. The
relationship between Beth and Dan had changed. Beth helped Dan with his reading after
school. He voIuntarily stayed for the extra help and then walked the three miles to his home.
He was proud of his progress. At the end of the year Dan's mother came to thank Beth and to
ask if she would be returning in September-
In recalling those few months, I believe that I tried to do what was best for the
students. However. my inexperience caused me to do many things which now. with
much more knowledge and experience. I would not do. Who is to say which is better.
or even what is most likely to be in the best interests of the children? I would be less
likely now to violate school board or ministry policies and regulations, explicit or
implicit. However. I still believe in doing what I think is best for the child or teacher,
regardless of the rules. If common sense suggests a different behaviour. then that's
probably what I would do. The main difference now is that during twenty years my
common sense has changed.
Back At University
Beth returned to university the following year "intent on trying to do well enough to get into
medicine." When she was not accepted. she concluded that she was a second rate student and
figured there was no point in applying anywhere else.
The year that I applied 1 noted that only six of the one-hundred and twenty students
admitted to Western were female. I didn't even question this. I simply assumed that
admission had been based solely on marks. and that even the six women who were
accepted into the prosam must definitely be second or third rate in comparison to the
males. It was a considerable time later before I was even to question this practice.
Eventually. Beth graduated with her B.A. degree and as she moved further away from her
friend Betty's death. began to take interest in forming friendships with other people.
The Mutualitv of Mentoring
It was about that time that she met Marion who would remain a close friend for many years,
even though their life experiences had been quite different. Marion's husband had died. His
untimely death left her a stay-at-home mother. destitute. and responsible for the care and
support of five children. Marion needed employment which would allow her to e m a decent
income and. at the same time. make her available as much as possible to her children. Marion
decided to become a teacher and went on to earn under-graduate and graduate degrees. Beth
was "stn~ck by Marion's drive. stamina, and perseverance to provide well for her children. I
know that life was not easy for her then and that sometimes her children tried her patience or
caused her pain." Beth saw Marion as
. . . a symbol of women's ability to be self-reliant. and I had much to learn from her.
Also. she awakened in me a love of learning for the sake of learning. I thoroughly
enjoyed stimulating conversations with her, as well as [with] her family. She provided
support and encouragement when I faced difficulties at the school, at the church where
I was the organist. or in my personal life. . . . At the same time I renewed her interest
in people. and reminded her that life could be very enjoyable. . . . I think that, during
our ten-year friendship. I inspired Marion's horizons and rekindled her interest in
people because--just as I had done after Betty's death--when Marion's husband died.
she distanced herself from former friends and didn't readily make new ones. Of course
she did so in a perfectly socially acceptable way. She devoted her whole energy to her
family and teaching. . . . our culture so strongly values a mother's self-sacrificing
devotion to her family.
Despite the difference in their ages. Beth and mari ion developed a close friendship in which
they were socially equal and neither assumed a dominant role.
As I recall, we shared decisions and roles in a way that I believe women can achieve
only with other women, where they are not concerned with either submitting to societal
expectations for the male to be dominant, or with refuting societal expectations and
insisting upon assuming the dominant role in relationship. . . . It occurs to me that our
relationship also had some element which is more commonly associated with a parent
and child. When 1 moved to Toronto Marion seemed to view me more as a daughter
who was leaving home against the wishes of the parent. . . . In any event. we no
longer share the same camaraderie as we had for several years. a loss which I feel
deeply at times.
Buvinp Out of Tradition--Emancipation and Leadership
It was while teaching that Beth bought her fust house. This was an act which she now
considers a symbol of her emancipation. She recalls that it was
. . . my statement that women were capable of doing things that were often considered
men's territory. My first victory was in securing a mortgage on my own. with no help
from parents or friends. I made several changes in the house including replacing a large
section of the kitchen floor. This involved sawing through the floor midway through a
joist so that the remaining floor would rest on it and the new sub-floor could be
attached to the same joist. . . . Not even my father could find a flaw when he inspected
it a few weeks later. and he was very criticd of any woman who tried to do what he
considered "a man's job." In fact. he paid me his ultimate compliment the next spring
when he offered to help me build a picnic table, and then asked what I'd like him to do.
Usually he is the supervisor. I have never heard him assume this attitude even with my
brothers. who in his eyes, would be expected to know what they were doing.
Marion not only encouraged Beth in her house and gardening projects but also mentored her
professionally. As a result. Beth applied and was accepted for a federation sponsored
leadership course which she now credits with shaking her from complacency. "Little did I
realize then that this was the beginning of my metamorphosis. from an attitude of taking life as
it comes. to [one ofl setting goals and committing myself to achieving them." Over-registration
gave rise to the competitive spirit that Beth would feel throughout the duration of the course. At
the beginning. as leaders laid out their expectations for participants. Beth was very insecure.
She desperately wanted to take the course, but knew she was in competition with the others.
She spent much time comparing herself to them and trying to determine her chances of being
accepted. She recalls feeling "like the country bumpkin with these very sophisticated women."
A few days after registration. Beth was thrilled when she received the news that she had been
accepted. As the course progressed Beth found herself "simultaneously overwhelmed yet
intensely stimulated. It was emotionally exhausting."
As she continued in the course Beth found that she became even less secure. However, when
the local church needed an organist for the Sunday church service she rushed over to volunteer
for playing the organ was somethmg she could do better than anyone else in her group. Beth
remembers that the course leaders and some of the participants were in attendance at the church
service. That helped her regain some of her lost confidence. "at least temporarily." Each
successive week of the course brought it's own challenges and affirmations. She was,
however, terrified at the thought of having to give a speech. Beth considers that her early
school years contributed significantly to this fear. for in elementary school she was exempted
from speech making because she could play a musical instrument. She says that she was not as
lucky in high school but managed to get through by ad-libbing. One year she delayed preparing
her speech until the actual day on which she was to give it. In desperation, she ad-libbed on the
topic of procrastination. and her teacher reinforced her behaviour by complimenting her on her
excellent speech.
It was during the course that Beth searched her soul to determine whether or not she wanted to
be a principal. She was forever comparing herself to her colleagues: sometimes feeling relief
when she came off better than a few of them did in the comparisons. Beth found the
competitiveness overwhelming even though the participants provided support and
encouragement for each other. It was at this time that Beth says she began
. . . to see the value of setting goals and [working] purposely to achieve them. Prior to
that I had been content to try whatever seemed interesting at the time and to enjoy the
experience as much as possible. But I had not developed the pracuce of setting gods.
After taking the leadership course I became much more purposeful in my life.
However. in setting goals I still leave open the option to modify them or to change my
time line or even the direction. I think of goals and budgets. in a similar way, as fairly
firm guides which can be adjusted as appropriate.
Res o na n c e. Beth's clct of pnrchasitzg ( I house while rintnarried is indicative of the corzfdence
~t*hiclz she had irz herselfond her abilin to make decisions. The confidence she displays is
in nc1z greater than rlmt possessed by most of the women whom I kmml. T7ze decisiorzs are so
iuzlike the decisions rvh ich most of us would make as wornen. Her a b i l i ~ to receive a mortgage
on her own is rcnheard-of in my experience. Why? What is woman's it istor); in financial
affairs ?
Professional Associations and Promotion Beth became politically active and held
executive positions with teachers' groups. She taught courses. was involved in television
production. and participated in teacher development in third-world countries. The overseas
experiences gave Beth and her team members the opportunity to develop and teach meaningful
courses with their own knowledge as a sole resource. This proved to be valuable training for
her later positions. On two occasions Beth applied for the position of vice-principal bur was
unsuccessfUl each time. Then she applied for a position with an educational organization
"simply for the experience." There were several hundred applications and Beth was surprised
to find that she was short-listed. Although she was unsuccessful in this instance, she began to
think more seriously about promotion and applied for a similar position the following year.
Again. she was short-listed. Beth recalls. "In my interview I jokingly told the interviewers that
if they wanted me this was their last chance. Obviously it worked because they hired me. Thus
began a whole new life for me."
Beth enjoyed the camaraderie which existed in this organization.
The work was challenging. stimulating. and fascinating. I was constantly on a high for
the first few years. . . . It was exhilarating to work with people [mostly women] who
were committed. . . . who freely discussed these concerns and then took action to bring
about social change.
In this new position Beth became aware of education as a political process. She also
strengthened her feminist leanings. "I loved the excitement of being in the midst of the action."
She enjoyed working with the two women who were in charge and regarded them as a
wonderful Leadership team. "They modeled what they taught about being good leaders. . . .
They created an ethic of working hard but at the same time, having fun doing the work."
Introduction to Computers: An Awakening: to Gender Ineauity
Beth developed a friendship with one of her new colleagues. They took computer courses
together. and. as an assignment. presented a workshop on gender equity as it applied to
technology. Most of her classmates were males- some of whom were disrespectful during the
presentation and ignored Beth and her colleague during the break and the rest of the evening.
This motivated Beth to subsequently develop and implement a computer-training program
which was highly successful and actually ran for five years. Some members of that course are
now computer consultants. In a different course. the women participants each built a computer.
They began the course on Monday morning with a bag of computer parts and a soldering iron.
By Friday each participant returned home with a working computer--the one she had built.
It was while Beth was leading these workshops that she became aware of the stereotyping
which many of the women participants were experiencing. Beth found that. in the school
system. administrators were being pressured by male teachers to have the computers relocated
to their classrooms. Beth perceived this to be only one tactic which men used to undermine the
women. She tells some interesting stories about the reception she and a friend received when
they went to purchase two computers.
For us this was a revelation as we encountered one salesperson after another who
didn't know how to cope with two women buying computers with not a single man
along to act as our interpreter. In one store after another we waited while they served
men who had entered the store as much as half an hour after we had. They seemed to
assume that we were mere browsers. It did not seem to occur to them that any woman
who ventured into such alien territory as a computer store must indeed be a serious
customer. [I ask] Why else would we subject ourselves to such treatment as occurs
within the walls of these male bastions?
One salesman. who had sent a female colleague to deal with Beth and her friend, later asked if,
indeed. Beth had a computer at home. Beth says that when she listed the computers she
owned. " .. . he screeched to a halt and tripped d l over himself trying to make up for his
earlier error in jud,ament."
Having a Best Female Friend and Beinp Married. Too
Beth's closest female friend. Frances, like Beth, is a breaker of the female stereotype. Together
they enjoy some very interesting experiences. At one point in a sharing of these adventures and
a telling of how they had overcome several obstacles Beth said, "By this time we thought we
had good reason for feeling invincible!" Beth is never daunted. Each new challenge proves to
be surmountable: learning to play previously ignored musical instruments well into her adult
years. building computers. diving. building a bridge, completing major house and cabin
renovations. even changing her own flat tires: all things which females do not generally do. It
seems that Beth applies the rules of physics in the same way that I apply those of cookmg. In
addition. she is also very active in sports. Some of her feats appear to me to be compatible to
those of Paul Bunyan. Combined with all these abilities, Beth has a good sense of both work
and play and finds time to garden and cook. She values co-operative learning and realizes that
many of the things she accomplishes result from a combined effort. After one particularly
exhilarating and productive experience in the wilderness. that of chopping down trees to build a
bridge. Beth and her friend returned to home and their husbands. She recalled. "With a
supreme sense of satisfaction we loaded the car and returned to the city and our husbands. who
will never understand what we shared."
Several of Beth's friends and acquaintances are people who challenge the gender divide. She
delights in women who, even late in life, take on the challenges of the unusual. She encourages
and guides those who are hesitant. Beth is a diver and captivates audiences with recounting her
adventures. She dives regularly and is part of Ecowatch. an environmental watch group. She
manages her time well and sometimes fits her diving sessions in between business and
personal obligations. Beth was a diver as a young woman but had let her interest lapse when a
good friend was killed in a routine dive. When she herself had a near miss she responded by
diving again the next day. Shortly after that she and Frances bought a new boat. They travel
(holiday) in their boat like most of us travel in our cars. Beth's re-introduction to diving came
about as a result of reflecting upon her life at that particular point. She realized how much of
her Life was going into her job and decided that it was time to develop some outside interest.
Beth's husband enjoys sailing.
What brings a woman to the point where she can actually see that her work is interfering with
family rind personal time und feel jrtsrgied in making a consciolcs decision to do sornetlzing for
her- ONTI eruo);nzenr? How does she live ~vith that decision without feeling that she shorrld be
taking cure of some other responsibiliy? Wlzy is it that some married rvomeiz can have best
friends mzd others cannor? How do yolr make time in yorcr Zife for a best friend and a hrcsbarzd,
too :' W/zy is it that some men respond well ro n woman lzaving a besr friend while others do
not?
Beth and Her Work
Beth remembers that she was successfui at her job and promotion came within a short time.
When she received her first big promotion. she felt tension from some of her colleagues:
-' . . . . they were Iess than pleased that one of the "rookies'' with only two years experience
was receiving this plum. Their reactions made me more determined to carry out my assignment
to the best of my ability."
Through her affiliations with educational institutions and organizations Beth meets many
women who are Iiving the dual role. When I ask her to share some of their stories of
integrating family and career she tells me that she has many stories of their
split~dilernma~conflict. but she chooses not to tell them because they are the stories of other
women. Instead she speaks of her own experience of integrating family and career.
In my own situation it was less of an issue because I didn't get married until I was well
into a teaching career and another career. So it was understood from the outset that my
role would not be subservient to my husband. When we met, that's the point we were
at. so it has not been so much of an issue. I have to say that Charles doesn't say much
about anything. but recently he is expressing some frustration with the demands of
some of my current commitments. So I wouldn't say that there is no effect on our
relationship, I just think that things were more established at the outset. Having said
that. I think that he is living a story of what he thinks a marriage or relationship should
be. not what works for us. or what is practical. I think. at times. he would like to
maintain the cultural story of his own experience of his mother being [at] home.
When 1 inquire as to whether or not this causes any problem. Beth answers
Not for me. It may for him. and he doesn't talk about it much. But the reason I say that
is because early in the marriage--1 don't remember exactly when it was--I told him that
my satisfaction came more from my work than from being his wife. [I was ]just sort of
acknowledging that I get satisfaction from my work. And that really astonished him.
And it astounded me that it astonished him.
When I suggest that Charles was probably astonished because it was against the traditional
story. Beth agrees and adds
And [even though] I think we went into the relationship with him knowing that my
work was important to me. he was stunned to hear me say that I didn't get my life's
satisfaction from being Mrs. X.
I am thrown by Beth's words for. to my not-yet-removed-completely from traditional way of
thinking. they sound almost disloyal. However. Beth reiterates
It didn't surprise me that I said it. His response was what surprised me because I
thought that we had a fairly equal relationship and that was part of it. From time to
time. I catch these little indications that he probably would prefer a more traditional
relationship. I think because he hasn't experienced this he is trying to find what's
appropriate. He doesn't try to dominate and he would never say, "You can't do
something." about anything. because it would be pointless.
Beth's attitude is so different from the attitudes of the women I know who have to clear things
with their husbands before making appointments. I tell her that it is clear to me that before
marriage she was financially independent and confident in her personal and professional
identity. She knew who she was. what she wanted out of life. and where she were going.
When I ask, "Is it fair to say that?" she responds. "Right. yes. And by that time I had owned
three different properties. I was Iiving in the third house that I had bought. That's pretty fair to
. . say.
Beth had previously told me about getting the mortgage for her first house. In 1976. long
before her marriage and at a time when it was almost unheard of, Beth obtained a mortgage
without the help of her father or any other man.
And I'm sure that if I had a husband I would have been required to have his signature -
. . . It's just that there was no one there to fill in that little gap. They had no alternative.
I remember that at the time owning my house was a big achievement for me.
I think of some of the situations where I. as a married woman. ran into problems borrowing
money on my own signature. even though I was permanently employed and earned a salary
comparable to that of my husband. The financial institution required his signature. It was
almost like getting a note from your mother or father when you needed to be dismissed from
school early for a dental appointment. Beth's story. however. is just another reminder to me
that she pushes the barriers aside and breaks the rules. She does many things which I had
previously associated only with men. She breaks down the barriers of the gender divide. I
remember. when I first met her. standing back and thinking, "She's a teacher? And she does
these kinds of things?" Beth smashes my stereotypes of woman and teacher as preservers of
the status-quo.
First Marriage. Then Career: Does the Order Matter?
At the time of our last conversation Beth was heavily involved in her work. She has been
spending many. many hours away from home. Despite her different attitude towards marriage
and relationship. I wonder if her increased workload creates any problem and ask if she
sometimes finds conflict between her personal and professional commitments. I am interested
in this for I often get caught in thls struggle of family pulling me this way and career pulling me
that way. I wonder if it is different when you have your own identity and find fulfillment in
your career before you marry. Many women of my generation began relationships in the
teenage years. or shortly after going to work. We married at a very young age and formed our
identities and our lives around our husbands and our children. As our children became more
independent. some of us went back to the work we had done before our children were born.
We may have felt that work pulling us away from that stereotypicd image of contented
housewife which we believed we were supposed to be. When I share this with Beth she says
I think that. for women who get married early. the career gets added on at some point.
It may come into the relationship and take a pretty central role but the husband was
there first. But in my situation my career was there first. and the husband was the add-
on. So he knew that at the outset and it's a bit puzzling to him to know what his role
should be. given that he has the social stories from his own family of what a husband
and wife are. His mother stayed at home and raised the family. and his father went out
to work. He grew up with that view of marriage. so he hadn't had the experience of
being the add-on to a career. [Consequently] he doesn't always know what is
appropriate. It's easy to draw on cultural stories to learn what you should do. And for
me it was like that. too. My mother aiways worked at home. She did teach. but supply
teaching. It wasn't a career for her. So I grew up with the view of what seemed
appropriate. yet I don't live that same experience.
Beth has broken and continues to break new ground. I now realize that even I, as a woman
going out to work and having few role models, if any, to show me how to integrate career and
family. was trying to break new ground. Beth brings up the fact that Charles is trying to break
this new ground, too. because he has no role models. He appears to be living an unfamiiiar
story, The only story he knew of marriage before beginning to live his own story of marriage
was that in which the man played the stereotypical traditional male role. I wonder if it is
difficult for men to change their roles as the women in their Lives break away from the
traditional role of wife and stay-at-home mother'?
During my own experience of integrating family and career, I was so busy trying to be
superwoman that I did not recognize that I was breaking new ground. I could not articulate my
combining of family and career in this way. I felt guilty about working, about leaving my
children with someone else. even when that someone else was a grandparent. I knew that some
people disagreed with what I was doing. but it was a decision which my husband and I had
made together. I never thought about the way he had to change his life and his story of his
parents' traditional marriage to accommodate my new role. I just knew that my workload had
increased drastically. Even though my husband helped, certain responsibilities were mine.
alone. It seemed my role required so much stamina, energy, and giving of self. I do not know
what my husband thought. How did he feel about my working? Did it affect the way he felt
about himself? About me? Our marriage? Did he talk to anyone about it? When I ask Beth about
her situation she replies,
And I think for us. Charles and I. part of what makes it more of a challenge to him is
that he is very much to himself. He doesn't have a lot of friends so he wouldn't have
opportunity to talk about what sense he is making of it. Whereas I have a very close
friend as well. and quite a number of other friends. and if there's something I'm trying
to work through I'd be likely to talk it over with one of them. and try to reach some
level of understanding. So it's not only that we're living different roles from those in
which we grew up. but we have different ways of trying to make sense of it.
Beth shows great understanding of her non-traditional role but. at the same time. she has an
appreciation of her husband's position. She is quick to note that she can discuss her feelings in
conversation with friends. Her husband, however. cannot for he has no close friends. He is
left to work out these feelings by himself.
Resonance. What is it that disallows our boys and men from speaking about private mnners ?
Is the isolation which men srlffer corzceming personal rnntrers similar to that which women
srifer? Wtat are the edrrcarional and crirricular implicatio~rs of this? Wzar responsibilie c m we
rake as edrtcarors for rlre isolation which both men mzd women experience? What can w e do
about it? Haw can we adjust curricula to respond to this issrre?
Chapter Eight
Stephanie Pratt
Ste~hanie: Lookinp Back
My career has been so rewarding that I can't imagine not having had it. . . . Even
though I am doing the things that I have put on hold for many years, I still feel that
wonderful warmth of having gone through this profession. I fee1 quite fulfilled to have
done what I did, and, as a woman, to have done something in a primarily male domain.
I have reflected and have thought, "Is this what I was really meant to do, and then to
be? . . . Would I do it all over again? I think, 'Yes, I would."' (Stephanie, 1994)
After retirement Stephanie relocated to a small university community and began a new life. She
taught part-time at the locd university, refusing full-time employment, and opting instead for a
life style of home-making for which she previously did not have time. Nevertheless, she has
not lost her love for the profession and keeps current. She finds great joy in nurturing not only
students and teachers, but also the many fruits and vegetables which she preserves, after
harvest, and proudly serves to those who visit. Five years after her retirement, the curricula on
which Stephanie worked so tirelessly has been implemented.
When I ask Stephanie whether she left the profession partly because of fristration in her job,
she is quick to point out
I really didn't leave the profession because I'm still invohed. I'm involved at the
national IeveI, and I'm involved with teaching. I just look back and think that had I not
had to spend so much time and energy then [on other things] I could have brought
about change.
During her career Stephanie influenced many people, as she developed curricuIum materials;
contributed to books and teaching manuals; presented at conferences; and facilitated
professional development sessions and activities for teachers. She says that the profession will
always be part of what she does with her life. Stephanie has enjoyed success working at
school, university, and the ministry of education, and since retiring from the ministry has
accomplished much personally and professionally.
It's been . . . very busy, but I think retirement has brought a kind of serenity to my life,
a tranquility as it were. I am very physically . . . professionally, and socially active. . .
- I feel that I am making really good friends and . . . doing things that I have just put on
hold for many, many years . . . . Being involved in a profession does not give you the
time to do the things that bring you personal pleasure. I think, at this stage, that there is
more of a balance in my life, whereas I was being totdly consumed by my work
[before retirement].
In some ways retirement has given Stephanie a new lease on life. Living the life of dedicated,
professional, and nurturing mother and wife limits what can be done, what you can pursue, or
enjoy outside work and family.
Actually I think I looked [at my life] every time quite differently at retirement seminars,
and [when receiving] retirement advice . . . . I looked at nurturing friendships that I had
made over the years. In the years I was working, I was not able to nurture those
friendships . . . personal friendships. I tried to keep in touch with people I enjoyed
being with, but certainly my professional life did not give me time to entertain, to visit,
to have house guests, to do any of these things. Since retirement I have been able to
nurture those. . . . That social aspect of my being had been totally neglected during
those professional years . . . . It [retirement] has made a difference to my life . . . .
During her years as a working professional Stephanie's social life became an extension of
professional life as common interests brought colleagues together. Attendance at conferences
became not only a professional activity, but a social event. Time with personal friends and
family became less and less; sometimes it was non-existent.
When you retire you realize that your whole social life revolved around the work place.
That's where you had your chatter, your gossip, your professional interests, your
coffee breaks-everything. You rebuild completely and select friends for different
reasons after you retire. You nurture some of the special friendships that you have had
over the years, but you also develop new friendships based on different interests, and
that is really refreshing.
Resonance. Stephanie's reflections on rhe lack of balance in her life between work,
family, and friendship remind me of the lives lived by many of my colleagues and me.
Work and family commitments consume our rime, leaving very littie, if any, for recreation
and the nurturing offriendship, which are so important to the balanced life. Time needed
ta complete schoolwork cuts deeply into famiZy and personal time.
Recently, I was approached by a younger teacher (late thirties, early forties) who
informed me that she feared her marriage might not lmr much longer. Report cards had
taken about seventy hours of her at-home time during rhe past hvo weekends and
evenings. Consequently she had time for neither her husband, her children, nor herself:
She felt that she was caring neither for her family or students, nor for herself as she
shorrld, but had no choice because of the system of reporting which her school board had
imposed. Teachers employed by the other major school board in the same city were
required to complete a simplified version, one that required little time and effort.
Each teacher on our stafS had registered complaints about the demands which completion
of this particular report card imposed upon their personal time. We met to discuss the
issue, and decided that teachers would record their comments in writing, and submit them
to the school ofice. As vice-principal, I would read the comments, distill the information,
and write the board, on behalf of teachers, stating that the amount of time required to
complete this particular report was unreasonable. To emphasize the point, I asked for, and
received, permission from one of the teachers to type her comments and include them
anonymously with my letter. I wanted the assistant superintendent to gain some sense of
how this particular report card format was impacting upon teachers' lives. I wanted him
to be aware of the level of teachers' frustration. I had the principal read the letter to
check for any trace of imrlbordination.
Upon receipt of the letter, the assistant superintendent readily informed me that he had
never received such "saucy" comments. I explained that the intent was not to be saucy
but rather to let him realize the frustration of one teacher, which was actually
representative of the feelings of the group. I suggested that what he was describing as
saucy was an expression of the pain which a teacher was experiencing because of
professional demands which seemed totally out of line. I asked that he reread the
comments with this in mind. I wanted him to be able to leave the school board landscape,
and imagine what it was like to live in the school milieu of today, and to have your
present work overload compounded by the imposition of this time-consuming report card.
I never did ascertain whether or not the assistant superintendent had empathy, or
whether he had any control to do anything about the report card. I expect it was the latter.
Whatever, there was no action taken. Next term found us with the same report card, and
no board-approved release time from classroom duty to complete them.
How do you as a teacher keep a part of life for yourself? With such a heavy workload,
how can you nurture family, self; and relationships? On such a professional knowledge
landscape, how do teachers and administrators channel information up the conduit
without risking insubordination, informing board and ministry oficials about the often
unreasonable conditions under which they work? How do we make superordinates in the
bureaucracy understand enough to change things? How can we, ourselves, change
conditions? Is this a gender issue? Would high school teachers, who continue to be
predominantly male, accept this type of report card? Are female teachers in elementary
school too passive? Is this related to the similarities between teaching and mothering?
How do you resolve these dilemmas? How do instances such as this compound the
splithdilernrna/conflict experienced during the integration of family and career? How does
this split/dilernma/conflict play out in family life and relationship?
Written Memories: The Pre-school Years
Stephanie was born in a small one-industry town during the Second World War. She
remembers that as an only child,
an incredible variety of trees, plants, birds [provided] a wonderful area for play,
exploration, and imaginative use of the natural environment. I knew every inch of that
territory. Much of my time was spent with one or the other of my parents. Therefore, I
acquired a variety of skills not limited to single gender role-modelling. I developed
skills as helper to both do-it-yourself parents . . . . [I enjoyed] natural areas of woods,
hills, rocks, water, and
Despite being an only child Stephanie was "allowed to do many things that other little girls
were not. She went on picnics, skated on the river, climbed rocks, went with neighbouring
families on their outings, played in the water, and got dirty and wet. Stephanie's parents had
what she describes as an "old jalopy" which was always breaking down. Consequently, she
learned a lot about cars from her innovative parents. She also learned two very important
lessons during those times, "to stay out of the way when people are upset, angry, or
concentrating hard on something and don't need your help; and everything usually works out
in the end, so don't panic."
Stephanie played with dolls, climbed trees, and played Cowboys and Indians. She enjoyed
male and female friends, depending on her interests at the time, and remembers no gender
barriers from that period of her life.
She was both creative and imaginative and did not have to be entertained. Pieces of wood and
nails became boats and houses. A carton became a doll's house with wallpaper, carpet, doors,
and windows from old magazines. At four, Stephanie's first attempt at knitting became a
purple, orange, and yellow scarf for her doll.
If I were bored, I looked for something to do. Nooks and crannies of our house
became secret obsessions . . . . At one point, I ran a very efficient hospital with tiny
bottles of vinegar for alcohol. Another time, I had a wonderful dental practice for all my
dolls with my Dad's largest pliers [used] for extractions. My yearning to be a real
mother was satisfied by dressing our household cat in doll's clothes and parading him
around in an old wicker doll's carriage from my mother's childhood.
Stephanie wrote of the "wonderful rhythm" of her pre-school years. There were
. . . new clothes for Easter, birthday parties at home, spring planting, trout fishing
with my father, summer flowers and berry picking, burning autumn leaves, Christmas
traditions, winter time learning to ski and skate and, in between, family visits, with
relatives and friends of my parents. And occasionaIly a special treat . . . being taken to
a nighttime movie (appropriate, of course) with my parents.
She looked forward to going to school and remembers being " . . . positively shattered and
speechless when an older neighbour, aged twelve, told me point blank, 'School's no good',
and then asked, 'Why do you want to go there?"'
School Days
The Kindergarten and Grade One Classroom which Stephanie attended were housed in a
separate and newly-constructed building. She does not remember what Kindergarten was all
about but does remember being fascinated by the child-sized furniture and the large classroom.
Stephanie now realizes that the school system responsible for her area was
. . . incredibly ahead of its time. . . . [She remembers] the sand table, miles of
construction paper chains for Christmas decorations, wheat paste that tasted remarkably
like cold Cream of Wheat, [and] the teacher's vociferous frustration at putting on
[Stephanie's] classmates' boots and buttoning jackets.
It was in Kindergarten that Stephanie " . . . got the unmistakable message" that she
" . . . was no good at drawing, painting, and colouring." She confides that she is "still trying
to overcome that 'failure' regarding artistic pursuits, and fear of failure haunts [her] to this
day." As Stephanie shares this, I suddenly remember the numerous paintings throughout her
house, many of which were painted by her mother. It was also in Kindergarten that Stephanie "
. . . met two girls who would become life-long friends." It was through her relationships with
the families of these girls that Stephanie "experienced, first hand, to give and take, and to do
without!"
EIementarv Schoo!
Stephanie found it incredibly exciting to move along through the grades. She soon learned that
teachers greatly influence your attitude toward school in general. She remembers, "Some
[teachers] I liked, others I definitely did not! My report cards became a barometer of my
positivehegative feelings towards teachers. Gradually, though, my education became intrinsic,
and personalities became less important than achievement."
She noted that her
. . . school system rewarded achievement. It was a privilege to have a sample of your
schoolwork published in the school magazine--a major fund-raiser for high school.
Parents and their friends and co-workers were easily impressed with such talent.
Stephanie found the recognition was "heady stuff."
Resonance. Stephanie's recollections of childhood and school, of being aZZowed to do
things other little girls were not, bring back memories of my own childhood. I was deemed
a tom-boy for I could out-run, out-jump many of the boys, and could climb more quickly and
higher than most. I enjoyed competing with them, but soon learned that this was
unacceptable for a girl. My behaviour and language had to be lady-like, consistent with my
white gloves and hat. part of being a little girl, and later a young lady. Today ' s little girls do
not wear the white gloves and hats, but how do we view girls who rebel against traditional
codes of behaviour and dress; or pursue a non-traditional career path? Were there really no
gender restraints in Stephanie's childhood, or did she just not feel them? Are little boys.
too. bound by gender restraints?
Mention of little boys reminds me of Michael.
Five year old Michael was a student in my Kindergarten class. Each day Michael's three-
year-old sister, Tanya, accompanied their Morn to school to fetch him. As soon as the door
opened for dismissal, Tanya would slip inside the classroorn and seize the opportuniv to
paint at the easels, play in the sand tray, or pick and choose in the toy comer. On this
particular afernoon Tanya ran to her mother when called, while Michael continued to put
away his belongings. As he walked from the back of the classroom Michael spied Tanya's
doll lying on the floor, picked it up, and carried it in his arms to the doorway where his
mother and I were standing. His mother caught sighr of him gently holding the doll in his
arms, and scolded, "Michael, put that doll out of your hands this second! Whatever would
your father say!" I stood there in disbelief. "Thank you, Rachel, " I said, "You just undid
my last seven months' work."
When she looked at me in bewilderment, I explained that, in Kindergarten, I attempt to
erase the lines which separate the interests and activities of girls and boys along the
traditional gender divide. I stress that gender limits only a boy's a b i l i ~ to give birth, and a
girl's to plant the seeds for the baby. Rachel's reaction told me that Michael was receiving
conflicting messagesfrom home and from school as to appropriate behaviour for boys and
girls. In Michael's home it was inappropriate for him to play with dolls. In school I
encouraged it. I half-jokingly ofered to speak with his father and actually did so several
weeks later at the Parent Teacher Meeting. I was left with the realization that
perceptions and images are extremely dificult to change. Traditional roles are embodied
knowledge.
What causes the division by gender of what girls and boys are encouraged to do as
children, and later as adults? How did Stephanie acquire that" yearning to be a real
motherJ*? How do we go about changing our stereotypical gender images? How could our
lives be enriched $ boys were encouraged to show their emotions and their inner selves;
if girls were encouraged to develop attributes which are traditionally associated with
maleness? Could a sharing of our stories, of what it means to be male and female, lead to
a greater understanding of what it means to be human; to be truly in relationship with one
another? What does it do to children to receive conflicting messages from home and
school? Whose responsibility is it to deal with this situation?
Hiah School
Stephanie remembers that her Grade Eight teacher
. . . was a wonderful role model for the girls in our class. She was university educated,
very fashionable, and, most of all. encouraged us to do our very best. We felt so
privileged to have such a wonderful lady as our homeroom teacher. Years later we
discovered that she had also been a major influence on the boys in our class. They
respected her and eagerly tried to please.
It was in this class that Stephanie first studied chemistry, a subject which she came to love, and
physics
. . . which was not for girls. I launched a personal campaign to change this rule, and it
was not until the last year of high school that I finally succeeded in being allowed to
participate in physics classes--the first girl in my high school to do so.
Today, Stephanie wonders if she was "just bucking the system" or did she even "at that early
age perceive an injustice towards females"? Stephanie admits that she has been called "Rebel"
on several occasions during her career.
There were other teachers, in Stephanie's high school, who had the respect of the students.
She describes them as ". . . those who treated us as adults, calling us Miss or Mr. Great stuff
for adolescents! High school was great. I loved every minute of it--clubs, sports, classes,
social life, year book, etc."
In her final year Stephanie had to decide on a career. She says,
I think my career path was chosen at an early age. The need to teach, the need to
analyze others' successes and faiiures, and the need to be a little different-[I wanted]
not just teaching, but a specialization. My mother was probably the strongest motivator,
in terms of my career choices, guiding me towards a specific university and career path.
I became a foreign student and thoroughly enjoyed the perks and privileges of such
status. In actual fact, I applied to several universities, and was offered a scholarship to
study dentistry--[this was] different, and against [ and in spite of] the gender barriers!
Years later, at a dinner with four colleagues, we discussed our careers and how we
happened to have our particular careers, and in every case, we had considered
something else. And so amse the question, "Would we have been equally successful in
[the other careers we had considered]? Did success, in fact, have anything to do with
careers, or was there something about our person, personality, [or] drive which led to
success, regardless of our career choice"? Dt was an] interesting debate!
At the time that Stephanie was ready to enter post-secondary education, there were only two
universities in Canada which offered a degree program in the discipline which she wished to
study; one was in Quebec, the other in Ontario. Both programs were arts-based. Stephanie
selected an American university because there the program she wished to pursue was science-
based. She considered this program to be broader and much more in-depth. It consisted of two
years of pre-medical sciences, two years of specialization, and three summers of activities.
Later, Stephanie would credit the training received at this American university with being
instrumental in her appointment to some of the positions which she held. "I think the whole
philosophy of that school--from the founder's philosophy--is still being promoted. I think it
was such an innovative approach to the subject." Stephanie also credits enrollment in that
program with giving her a certain self-confidence and a desire to continue in her chosen field.
Because she came from Canada, Stephanie was considered a foreign student. She remembers
that, at the time, the American concept of eastern Canada placed it close to Greeniand. "The
whole geographic knowledge base was skewed to say the least." Despite that, Stephanie felt
. . . nurtured and supported. When I went out to do my practice teaching the people
there were so supportive, and recognized that I had not studied this subject area
through[out] my early schooling. All of them went out of their way to help me, both
from the achievement level, and also the teaching levei. I wolrld say that I was treated
very, very well, indeed, and given maximum support.
University was a wonderful experience, yet I experienced many insecurities. It took me
a long time to realize that every student in my class was top of his class in high school.
After graduation I was offered several teaching positions. I accepted one high school
position, and was most fortunate to have a principal who was progressive, dedicated,
and a superb mentor. He often said, "Never turn down an opportunity to learn." It
became a guiding principle of my life. The same principal encouraged me to be a role
model to my students and instilled the notion that my every move wouId be copied by
someone. [This proved to be] good advice.
Resonance. Like Stephanie, I was privileged to go outside the province to study. Afier
my first two years of teaching Music and Grade Five, I decided to move to Kindergarten.
Since I had studied high school methods and there were no special courses for primary and
kindergarten at our Faculty I went to Nova Scotia for four consecutive summers. The pre-
requisite for Nova Scotian teachers attending these Block Programs was ten years'
experience. The Newfoundland Department of Education negotiated to have four of us
accepted despite our youth and limited experience. The stories of practice shared by the
Nova Scotian teachers greatly enriched our evolving understandings of education and our
practice.
Why did Stephanie choose the science-based over the arts-based program? Was science
the more acceptable? If so, why? Why did Stephanie receive such support in another
culture ? How did this affect her progress, her sev-concept, and her relationship with her
profession: and her teaching. and learning? Did rhir opportunity to study in another
culture instill in her a need to know how other systems of education operated?
Church
Church played an important role in Stephanie's life until she was fifteen or sixteen years old.
She recalk
[You] went to Sunday sch ool no matter wha ~t. . . . You bec m e a member of the church
in your early years and [remained] in your teenage years . . . and most of Sunday
school was certainly not entertaining or artistical as it is [today]. I don't remember ever
getting praise, or playing games, or doing anything like that. It was strictly Bible.
There was also the memorization of the collects, the catechism, and the ten
commandments, and, of course, in the schooIs we had religious education. It wasn't
called that, but every morning [we] opened with prayers. We had a prayer--the Lord's
prayer and readings. . . . I think there was a very strong moral ethic ingrained in us.
Stephanie connects that strong moral ethic with guilt.
Oh, everything I wanted to do was wrong. Thou shalt not . . . . We had guilt feelings
much too early. I think we internalized that we were guilty if we weren't nice to
everybody. We were told to honour our mothers and fathers, and, no matter what they
did, we could not criticize them because that was not expected of us. All of the other
commandments were taught to us at such an early age that we incorporated those into
our everyday play things, everything we did. You dare not disobey, and that's why
there was so much child abuse among the religious orders, [both] in and out of the
schools.
In looking back it seems to me as though in the days of childhood, discipline was simplistic;
black and white; rewarded by heaven and hell. Goodness brought you to heaven, badness to
hell. You were rewarded for being a good little girl; people approved and treated you nicely.
Eventually we discovered that not everybody was playing by the same rules. Stephanie thinks
that is part of the reason that we have grown up carrying these guilt feelings.
I think we internalized much of the religious education that we received, and I am fairly
critical of the way it was taught. I think we internalized that into every single thing we
did. You weren't even allowed to think bad thoughts. They [home, school, and church]
worked together and that's not a bad thing. But I think that much of the Bible study we
had was beyond our comprehension. I feel that it simply put thoughts in our minds, or
feelings inside of us, that we really did not know how to deal with.
Resonance. My resonance with Stephanie's comments about guilt is deafening, for in my
life, guilt is always in the wings, waiting for the cue to enter centre stage. Like Stephanie,
I believe that guilt somehow stems from church, home, and school teachings. However,
interwoven with my memories of Sunday school and the memorization of catechism and
collects are the after-Sunday-School trips to Mrs. Power's Bull's Eye Shop. There we
would get the home-made ice-cream, candies, and fudge which I enjoyed with my
Grandparents before setting out on our Sundayafternoon excursions to the countryside of
Conception Bay or the Marine Drive. This is where my Dad would buy the ice cream and
candy that he would sometimes bring to my Mom when he came off police duty.
Church played an important role in my life, for in addition to being a church-goer, I
artended a school which was under the tr~tsteeship of the Anglican church. Each morning
of my school life for twelve years. I stood tall, head bowed, hands folded, eyes closed
tightly, and said,
0, God, give me clean hands, clean words, and clean thoughts. Help me to stand firm
for the hard right against the easy wrong. Save me from habits that harm. Teach me to
work as hard and play as fair in thy sight alone, as if aII the world saw. Forgive me
when I am unkind, and help me to forgive those who are unkind to me. Keep me ready
to help others at some cost to myself; send me chances to do some good every day, and
so grow more like Christ . . . .
I remember now, decades later, the feelings of peace and contentment which I felt on Sunday
mornings, decades later, as I sat in the pew with my husband. Our two sons, Paul and Roger,
were singing in the church choir, our daughter, Andrea, was downstairs in the Sunday school
(she, too, would later join the choir). As I sat there in the hard oak pew with the man with
whom 1 shared my life, it was not evident to others that under our crossed arms, Lewis held
my hand. As we worshipped our God, at our home, a five-minute drive away, housework was
done, cookies and desserts were prepared, and the roast beef, chicken, or turkey was cooking
slowly in the oven. On the kitchen counter, the peeled vegetables were waiting to be cooked
upon our return. The images were perfect. My life was in sync. This was my truth, my peace.
I was surrounded by love; the love of husband, children, family, friends, and God. I was in
community. There was an indescribable feeling of peace and contentment. I remember it well.
It was this sense of all being well with my world that made the experience of divorce traumatic.
How would divorce change my relationship with my church? What split/dilemmakonflict
would be inherent in that relationship as I travelled from marriage to single parenthood? Would
there be feelings of guilt?
What is guilt? Why does guilt play such an important role in my life, and the lives of many of
my female friends? Is it really ingrained in us by church, home and school, as Stephanie says?
Is guilt peculiar to girls? Is it connected to learning to be good little girls? How does it influence
our images of womanhood and our behaviour? How does it keep us connected to personal and
professional relationships which have the power to destroy us? How do we learn to say "No!"
to protect ourselves, and those we love? How much thought was really given in my day to the
ability of young children to understand the teachings of the church? How much is given now?
Entrv into Teaching
At the time Stephanie entered teaching the rules which governed who could and could not teach
impacted gravely upon the careers of women. Single women were preferred as teachers. If you
married there was a good chance that you could no longer teach. Pregnancy outside marriage
terminated your career, while pregnancy within marriage, in most instances, did likewise. The
same rules did not apply to men. Teaching was their livelihood. They earned a living as
teachers. In Stephanie's province, there were two different salary scales at the time she began
to teach, one for females and one for males. Oddly enough nobody even questioned the
inequality. That was accepted. At some point, however, someone complained about the
unfairness. The result was equal pay for male and female teachers.
Stephanie taught until she married. Then she resigned. In reflection she says, "I would have
been the type of person who would have fought the rule about having to resign because of
marriage, but my husband was transferred. . . so it really wasn't an issue. I had to resign
anyway."
Like many women of her day, Stephanie put her own career on hold to foster that of her
husband. It was considered the proper thing to do. She remembers that there was no thought
given to her career. When the transfer came, " . . . it was just automatic that I would move
because it was for his [her husband's] betterment."
Stayinp: at Home: Longing for School
In time, Stephanie and her husband had two sons. Stephanie stayed at home with her children
for twelve years. However, she had been a teacher before becoming a mother. SchooI had been
part of her life for so long, as both student and teacher, that the rhythm of the school year was
deeply ingrained within her. She remembers,
Every September I was so homesick for going back to school that it was absolutely
incredible. I would actually stand by the window, wherever we happened to be living,
and I would watch the children going back to school, and would want to be going with
them. To this day, the beginning of the year, for me, is September, and the year ends in
June, and from June to September that's just non-time . . . . My whole life is like that.
I never think of New Year's [January 11 as being the beginning of the year. The year
begins in September.
I asked Stephanie if she sometimes longed to stay in touch with the profession when she was
doing housework and changing diapers, even though she loved her babies dearly. She said
that while at home with her children she kept in touch with her profession through teaching
private classes and working part time with several youth organizations. Her volunteer work
also kept her connected to her area of professional expertise. She concluded, "I never felt that
I had totally left it [my profession]" for "I studied and tutored".
Resonance. The ebb and flow of life in school was in Stephanie's head, heart, and
bones. It would not let go. She could not deny it; nor did she try. Instead, she attempted
to blur the lines between the personal and professional. Stephanie's life did not become
an all or nothing; teach or be distancedfrom the profession. Unlike many women who
trade their teaching positions for parenting. Stephanie continued her professional
involvement rhrough volunteering and tutoring.
Like Stephanie, I, too, lefi my tenured position to accompany my husband when he was
transferred. There was no question. I never gave a thought to not doing so. My
husband's career came first. My teaching was not considered a career. It was just
something I did. I relocated with my husband several times, even when my irztrtition
suggested that it was nor the right thing to do.
I remember wanting to teach halfdays; to once again experience the challenge which
the classroom oflered. The ebb and flow of the classroom was embedded in my being,
also. Unfortunately, at that time, part-time positions were unheard ofl for they were not
convenient for school boards. Today half-time and other part-time positions abound.
Since half-time teachers tend to work almost full time, if you count their overtime,
school boards receive services far in excess of what they pay for by employing teachers
on a part-time basis. It is my experience that many of these part-time positions are
filled by women. I wonder about hours and rate of pay.
What originally caused the disparities in the rares of pay for women and men? Ir is true
that the disparities in pay have been rectified, but what other disparities remain? Why
were unmarried women teachers preferred? Why did pregnancy tenninate a womanls
career as a teacher? Why was there no consideration given to the effect of her husband's
transfer upon Stephanie's career? Why were women expected to put their own careers on
hold to accommodate their husbands?
Year a f e r year, Stephanie and I experienced rhe ebb and flow of the school year; a part of
the knowledge which resides not only in the mind, but in the body, in the very act of living-
-in the living and the looking: images and metaphors by which we live and teach; the way
we experience and tell our lives. How do we change our images and metaphors? Is ir
possible to change them? Do we need to change them? What does it take? What do we put
in their place ?
PersonalrProfessionat Life: Marria~e and Career
During the stay-at-home years, Stephanie established a pattern of taking care of the household
matters, while her husband concentrated only on his job. It was not until her children were in
school that she went back to work. Stephanie remembers informing her husband that she was
interested in returning to teaching
I think I was fairly determined that I was going to do it, and I recall that he was quite
displeased that I had agreed to do this. I think I felt guilty for being assertive, and yet, I
wanted to do it so badly that it didn't redly matter.
When asked if she encountered any opposition in making the decision to return to teaching,
Stephanie was quick to point to out that there was
. . . disruption in the status-quo. For example, my husband was used to having a
home-cooked meal, and was now carrying sandwiches to work, or coming home and
eating something that I had prepared previously. He didn't like that. . . . It became very
difficult. My husband did not want to change, and I felt an obligation to keep up the
same standard [to which we had become accustomed], which was ridiculous.
Eventually Stephanie saw herself as being responsible for most of the work at home.
I was doing all of my housework either in the morning before I left for school or at
night. There was no change in the amount of work that I had at home. The children
took on more responsibility. My husband didn't. My children took care of making
sandwiches on Sunday when we had a roast, chicken, or turkey--whatever. They
would make the week's sandwiches and put them in the freezer. The children looked
after their own rooms; not to the standard that they had always had, [for] they had
always been looked after b y me]. Gradually they took over more and more of those
responsibilities, but basically that was the only change in the routine.
I worked at that school for five years and did not spend a single cent of salary on
myself. The whole salary went into paying the money we had borrowed to make the
down payment on the house. For five years I worked without receiving a cent from
what I had earned. It was never questioned, never acknowledged that I did that. . . . It
was an expectation, and more than that, too.
While combining family and career, Stephanie often felt as though she were on a treadmill.
There were never enough hours in the day to do all of the things that I wanted to do. I
was teaching. I was also determined to further my education and it took me many,
many years. It was not until my first child was in university and actually entering his
master's program that I was able to go back to university. I think I had the edge there
because I had been away from the workplace for twelve years, and when I got back
into teaching I realized that nothing had changed.
They [teachers] were still fighting the same battles. They were still dealing with the
same issues. They were still identifying the same roadblocks. This made me all the
more determined that I would bring about change, and so I became actively involved in
all of these extra-curricular activities almost from the beginning of my reentry into the
workplace.
Even when she returned to teaching, Stephanie did not feel that her husband viewed her pursuit
of a career as seriously as she did.
Mine was still not considered a career. This was just something to do for a bit of pin
money. It was not regarded seriously at home. The only seriousness of it was the
housework. The housekeeping had to be up to par. That was the agreement I made. I
wouId continue to still have hot meals, iron shirts . . . . 1 would still do all of that.
Basically, I was seeking permission to go back to work.
When asked to comment on the personal and professional, and whether or not she tried to keep
her personal and public lives separate, Stephanie replied,
I think basically I kept them quite separate, although one of the factors in my going
back to work was that I went back to work in the same school where my children were
students . . . . Well, that kind of made it a little bit OK because I could keep an eye on
them. I was actually seeing them more by working than by staying home, and that was
OK. . . . It took away some of my guilt--not necessarily my guilt, but it appeased the
person who had protested [my husband]. My initial acceptance of the position was to
finish up the year from January to June . . . . I was invited to take it. When June came I
was invited to stay on. That was a replacement for another year. That redly was the
beginning of my career. It had been on hold for twelve years, and this was like a whole
new beginning.
Resonance. Why did Stephanie feel she had to seek permission to go back to work? Why
did she feel she had to continue the status-quo in care giving, aspiring to provide the same
quality of at-home care which she had provided as a stay-at-home mother and wife? Why
did Stephanie have to do double duty? Why did her husband not help with household
chores? In my marriage we shared the household chores, b w my husband drew the line at
ironing. Although he would see that our children did their homework in my absence, he did
not share my idea of what it meant to supervise homework and music practice. For me
the supervision of homework and music practice meant that I sat with the children and
became part of the activiry. This was not always the case with their Dad and sometimes
caused problems for our children and me. There were times when the problems were ones
of miscommunication. It seemed as though, as husbands and wives. we spoke the same
language. but with different meanings. Split/dilemma/con.ict were inherent in both
Stephanie's and my stories. They just played out in di.erent ways.
Stephanie's guilt about being a working mother was eased by being allowed to have her
children attend the school in which she taught. Many boards did not permit this. My
children, too, were given permission to attend the school in which I taught. The
pemission did not come from the School Board but from the principal who understood
that it would make my life less complicated. Ultimately the school benefited, for I did not
have to rush off to collect my children from another school. and my children usually helped
in the school or classroom while waiting for me. In addition. I enjoyed the privilege of
teaching my two sons in Kindergarten. When Andrea attended Kindergarten, I was not
teaching.
I remember the guilt I felt working as a teacher when my children were younger. Before
our transfer to Comer Brook they had two sets of Grandparents who vied with one
another to baby-sit. Even when I had a live-in sitter my children's paternal Grandparents
was there to oversee in my absence. Even so, I could be made to feel guilv so easily, for
one message fi-arn society said that I should be at home with my children; the other said I
could work, be a liberated woman. What was I to believe? Why did I even pay attention?
What needs was I attempting to fitlfill?
A friend, another student from OISE, who shares similar guilt feelings about working as a
teacher and not being a stay-at-home mother, describes guilt as a sadness over loss; loss
of time with your children--time which you cannot retrieve.
feel in^ Drained
There were many, many times when Stephanie, feeling totally drained. thought that she was
really doing
. . . in many cases more work than I should . . . but whether it was simply the subject
area, or whether it was the fact that I became involved in these extra-curricular activities
. . . and yet it was the extra-curricular activities that gave me the strenod, the adrenaline
to keep going; and to have that passion for teaching that I think is so important.
It was not long before Stephanie felt unappreciated.
The appreciation would have come. had there been just the acknowledgment that I was
doing this, but it never came. Immediately after I had completed that commitment
[mortgage payments], I began putting money away for the children's education. My
salary . . . would pay for their university education.
When I commented that it is interesting how the money that we women earn does not go for
self. Stephanie remarked "I guess, in all fairness, you could make the same statement for
men. They must sometimes feet unappreciated for paying the mortgage, the utilities, and so on.
They really don't have a whole lot for themselves, either."
In Stephanie's generation, fathers looked after the physical needs, provided housing, heating,
food and clothing. Mother looked after anything extra and the emotional needs. Men probably
rarely got to the underneath-the-surface talk about things that were deeply related to feelings.
As Stephanie said, "Feelings and emotions simply don't get talked."
Women. Career. and Travelling
Even as a teacher, Stephanie travelled frequently, for she was an executive member of the
provincial and national organizations which represented her subject area. Business trips meant
that household duties had to be taken care of before she left home. Until the door of the plane
closed there was always opportunity to take care of yet another chore. I first met Stephanie at
the airport, as she was waiting to board an overseas flight. She was sitting in the terminal,
briefcase on lap, writing hastily, finishing yet another task--another of those included in her
never-ending list of responsibilities.
Before leaving on a business trip Stephanie had to prepare the professional materials necessary
for her meetings or presentations. She also had to prepare for the activities at home while she
was away, for she could not relinquish any of the responsibility for the household and
children. There were ". . . not just meals and laundry, but sometimes transportation,
chauffeuring for the children to get to their after school activities, the e x w things in which they
were involved,"
Stephanie's husband did not mind the chauffeuring. However, he would not undertake any of
the housekeeping duties. Consequently Stephanie had to cope with the majority of the extra
responsibilities of career and family. She says,
I tried to cover all my bases before I left. I would make sure that meals were prepared,
and in the freezer, or that there were foods that were easy for them to get. I would
sometimes stay up all night to make sure all the laundry was done ahead, and that the
house was cleaned and everything done. Travelling made it extremely difficult because
I was doing a week's, or at least several daysr, work ahead of time, and trying to cover
all my bases within school, or within work, and then trying to prepare [for] whatever it
was I was going to. So it ended up that this became a real hectic time for me . . . to
leave the province [was particularly hectic]. . . . It was really quite a wonderful feeling
to sink back into those normally uncomfortable plane seats. Once I got on a plane I felt
that all my troubles were left behind me. Then I would use that travel time to prepare
for the meetings ahead. . . . It was a very efficient use of time.
There was no equality between husband and wife in the sharing of child-care and housekeeping
responsibilities. This inequality was well established in the years when Stephanie was not
teaching. Her children were in their teens before she actually started travelling frequently. Prior
to that, most of her traveI was on weekends. Her children were well cared for and did not
appear to mind her being away. Gifts from her travels became a ritual. She jokingly remarked,
They probably thought they had the largest collection of T-shirts in Canada because I
always felt guilty enough to bring them back something. I think they looked forward to
my going because they knew I was going to come home with something--shirts, coffee
mugs, [or something else].
Fortunately Stephanie did not have to cope with the illness of her children while travelling. She
did, however, speak about one occasion when her father became quite ill, and she felt tom by
responsibilities to famiiy and career. She remembers:
When 1 was with the Ministry . . . my father was quite ill. He was in hospital and I was
expected to attend two very important conferences. I did go [to the conferences], but I
really was tom. These were pretty well back-to-back conferences, and I flew back
home for one day, in between these meetings, when it would have been much easier to
remain where I was. That was the only time when there was a major kind of
emergency, and a time when I felt almost guilty for being where I was because I felt
that I was needed at home, even though there was nothing I could do. I just felt guilty.
Parentine and Teaching
When asked to reflect upon teaching and parenting Stephanie said that teaching is very much
like parenting.
I think I was much too serious and probably much too demanding [as a parent]. I
wonder if I didn't enjoy my children as much as I should have. I thought I enjoyed
them, but when you become a grandparent you realize that you really enjoy
grandchildren a lot more. I think that in schools we tend to do the same thing. We
become so caught up in teaching students curriculum that we simply forget to teach
them. We forget that our teaching sometimes interferes with their learning, and that's
kind of sad. I think if we provide the role models for them, if we come across as
happy, well adjusted, well-balanced people that is going to influence them just as much
as any text book. . . . I think bringing role rnodets into the school and having them
[students] meet people in their very friendly, kind of happy way . . . is going to have a
great deal of influence on them.
I think we get so caught up with teaching the curriculum that we forget to enjoy them
[the students], and we don't reIax and give them an opportunity to l e m these things.
We are so busy trying to teach what is in the text book that we forget to let the children
know that learning is going to go on forever and I am here to help you to learn specific
things. There is a lot more to life to learn.
Stephanie considers it important that students become life-long learners and learn not only the
curricula which a school offers but about themselves, too.
parent in^ and Teachinp: Effect of Mother's Career on ChiIdren
Stephanie believes that her return to teaching was probably good for her children because they
learned to take on new responsibilities. Despite the fact that they value education. Stephanie's
children decided at quite an early age not to become teachers because of the commitment and
time which teaching demanded of their mother. However, Stephanie remembers another side.
"I think in some cases they enjoyed my working . . . . It gave them a better understanding of
some of the teachers they had, and I certainly gained a better understanding of children . . .
having observed so many [at school]."
Stephanie's children attended the elementary school in which she taught. She remembers her
children
. . . felt they were being short-changed because none of the other kids had their
mothers looking over their shoulders. The three of us generally ate lunch together.
They considered it a bit of a privilege to come into my teaching space and have lunch
with me rather than go to the lunchroom with all the other kids. On occasion they could
invite a friend to join us so it became a little prestigious for them. They liked that and,
of course, there was transportation, I was driving them back and forth, or at least my
husband was driving us back and forth, and later I had my own car.
Stephanie feels that the combining of career and family in her own marriage has had a very
definite affect upon her children and their marriages. Although both her sons are happy in very
demanding careers. She says, "They don't wait to be asked to do something at home. They
simply come in and automatically do whatever it is that needs doing. . . . They don't perceive
themselves as helping."
Stephanie's conversations with her sons, daughters-in-law, and her observations when
visiting, lead her to conclude that her sons take an equal share in the running of their
households. They cook meals. prepare party foods, clean house, do laundry, carpentry, and
construction. They are very skilled at doing these househoId tasks and have [hobbies] and
outside interests. Stephanie says that the roles her children play in their marriages are quite
different from that which their Dad modelled. Stephanie feels that up to this point in their lives
neither of her sons has been bound by the old-fashioned notion of the man providing for his
family financially and being otherwise uninvolved in domesticity.
Husband and Wife: conflict in^ Careers
Stephanie's career responsibilities seemed to be in conflict and contrast with those of her
husband. As Stephanie saw it, her husband " . . . would have preferred a wife who stayed
home. He certainly did not enjoy my . . . professionalism. He could not understand my
commitment to education . . . to all the time that I had to put into it."
Stephanie and her husband were both professionals. Although her husband's professional
career was demanding, his hours were very different from Stephanie's. Stephanie's position
required that she bring her work home, her husband's position did not.
When he walked out of his office he left it behind. He really didn't even think about it
after he got home. Yet I seemed to end up bringing work home with me and dealing
with work related activities: phone calls, arranging meetings, writing up minutes of
meetings, planning conferences, and this sort of thing. I could not do those things
during my workday. Those things had to be done after hours, and, if I were going to
be involved, it simply had to be done--and that was difficult. . . . I ended up doing
most of the work at home, [too].
Stephanie and Woman's Sense of Seif
When we talked about a woman's sense of self Stephanie mentioned an interesting article
which she had read recently. She discovered that for the average woman of our age, we see
ourselves as somebody's mother, teacher, daughter, aunt, or neighbour.
We behave a little bit differently in each of these roles. Yet all of those roles go together
to make us a person. Everybody is different in that you are a different mother than I.
We are such a mixture of people and roles that it is sometimes very difficult to know
just who we are. We can be hurt as a mother, but as a neighbour the hurt is not the
same. The article said when we have very strong emotions or very strong feelings it is
important to differentiate in what aspect this is affecting us. I think chat as professional
women we have even more roles to play than the average woman . . . . When I am
teaching IittIe children, am I looking at them as their teacher, or as a mother wouid look
at her own children, or am I looking at them in a different way? I have thought about
that a Iot . . . . Yes, we are a great mix of different roIes, different emotions, and
different responsibilities.
Stephanie spoke of being accepted by her students and how the building of relationships
takes time, feedback and
Yes, and you have instant feedback. If what you are doing is pleasing them, or they
enjoy it, you know it immediately, and, as you move up the age levels, there is less and
less of that instant feedback, so that when you get to university it takes a long time to be
able to read your students, and know whether they are accepting or rejecting of you and
what you are doing.
Stephanie as Life-Low Learner
Stephanie has an insatiable thirst for learning.
The nagging desire for higher education has never left me and, even now that I am
retired, I keep thinking of ways and means of going back to university and doing more.
It has always been that way, but because of family demands I simply had to put my
education on hold. I completed my undergraduate degree before I was married, and it
was over twenty years before I went back to do my master's degree.
Stephanie chose to study for a second Master's degree instead enrolling in a doctoral program.
She forfeited the doctorate for she felt that the two-year absence from home required for
completion of the Ph.D. residency in another province would put too much strain on her
marriage.
Resonance. Do professional development activities. lesson planning, and correction of
homework orcrside working hours put an extra strain on family relationships in a two
career marriage? What does this do to the marriage? In a relationship where one pamer
works excessively, how do you make time to be together, with children, and wifh one
another?
As I read the professional literature and shared personal stories of the career paths of
women, I came to understand that the career paths of men and women differ. I t seemed
that the responsibilities of marriage and children ofren result in women putting their
careers aside until their children are older. Certainly this was and continues to true of
many of my colleagues in graduate school.
S u a ~ o r t Within the Profession
At the time Stephanie began her career there was a great demand for teaches. When asked about
mentors she replied that there really were not any.
I had a very supportive and progressive principal with my first job and to back track,
just a little bit, in those years we didn't even apply for positions. It was unusual to
apply for a position. You were invited to accept a position and, prior to my taking my
first teaching job, I had been offered several, and I simply . . . selected one . . . . We
had the feeling though that we were handpicked. There was a feeling of being very
privileged to be chosen. Perhaps not unlike an applicant today getting a position.
Therefore you really do a good job, and tend not to get lost in the crowd. The principal
I had was very progressive. He had just completed a doctorate degree outside of
Canada and was certainly a very strong supporter of the subject I was teaching, [which
was] in a non-academic area.
In the teaching field, I think you had to give so much energy and constancy to the
profession that nothing that happened at home or on a personal level [could interfere].
There was always that interruption of having to spend your working day at the school
and certainly you could not carry your personal life into that environment. I think that it
[time in school and the classroom] was . . . kind of a release from any tensions that
might occur at home or within the family. By the same token, I think that
professionally, if at once you went home, you had housework to do, cooking to do,
you had children's homework, and I think the two balanced each other so that neither
one sort of got out of kilter. . . . Probably the one becomes an escape from the other in
very trying times. Are we really being true to ourselves?
Roles and Res~onsibilities of Teachers
Stephanie loves children, and experienced great happiness as a teacher. But when she looks at
the profession at the present time and realizes what is demanded of teachers, she feeIs that there
is little support from the school boards and ministries of education for them. There appear to be
few people at these levels who value teachers. Even the public seems to take, take, and take
from teachers. There is no end to the problems which the teacher must solve for the public.
There are no boundaries to the job description. It is for this reason that Stephanie would not
want either of her children to become a teacher. The demands and public perception of teaching
overshadow the joy which teaching has brought her.
When reflecting upon the roles and ever increasing responsibilities of teachers during her career,
Stephanie says, "The rules keep changing." She sees teachers as being expected to take on so
many extra responsibilities. In addition to trying to teach, a teacher has to act as social worker,
psychologist, and provider of breakfast. Stephanie feels that when you see children's needs
going unmet in our society, you do all you can possibly do to meet them as a teacher in the
school, but there is no way that you can ever hope to reach the ideals which you want to attain.
She sees teaching as presenting dilemma, for teachers give continually and nothing is ever
enough. Stephanie wonders if the male teachers who also give of themselves, experience the
same feelings as female teachers, or if this dilemma is common only to women and due to their
sense of nurturing. Stephanie speaks also of knowing one's limits and how we come to ignore
them.
But are there women who don't do this--[do they] know their limits? You can take time
for self in many different ways, once you give permission to yourself to do so . . . . I
think [that in] the early sociahzation, or at least the socialization that we went through as
teenagers and as young women, families had different expectations. Certainly when
you got rnanied you were destined to be the perfect wife, and mother, and so on.
Perhaps our main focus when we got married was paving the way for our husbands to
be successful rather than considering any success that we [wives] might have.
Stephanie remembers how in her growing-up years the woman of the house always served
meals to everybody else and sat down last.
It was just an indication that women were placed last . . . . I think that our schools and
our churches also had a role to play in that socialization. We were rewarded for being
good mothers, housekeepers, and homemakers, and we were certainly scorned and
criticized if we didn't stay home. [There was a stiagna] about working outside the
home. I think that in our particular generation-we would have been teenagers in the
50's say post-war years--that it was particularly hard for us because our mothers
249
realized the importance of a good education . . . . They promoted it. Our fathers sort of
took a backward role [in education].
Stephanie says that she grew up at a time when fathers rarely took an active role in the rearing
of their children. Mother was the parent in charge of education. Stephanie does not remember
her father attending PTA meetings. That was her mother's role. Mother always made sure
homework was completed. Stephanie's conversations with friends confirmed a similar division
of responsibilities between mother and father.
Resonance. Stephanie's image of woman as mother and teacher is one of self-sacrifice.
It includes endless hours of work and doing without, to give your best to children, whether
they are your own or someone else's, either at home or in your classroom. Where did this
image of self sacrifice originate? Why are women served last at home? Is this positioning
of women in the home related to the positioning of primary teachers in the educational
hierarchy? What is the relationship between teaching and mothering?
Societv
Stephanie thinks back over her life.
I think of the transition that occurred and I say in the 1950s, but could be late 1940s, it
could even go into the 1960s. We had been raised by then, and yet, when we got into
those years we were listening to radio programs like the story of the young widow
whose husband died, and left her to take over his business. That was acceptable. She
was a real martyr to do that. She became a real role model . . . but her working was
only acceptable because the business had to [go on], and he was dead. She was this
wonderful person who ran the business and was never really given credit for running it
on her own. 1 think of that kind of thing that we listened to, and then there were other
things-"South Pacific", the musical-"I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My
Hair." Other songs at the time . . . . "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better." I think
we latched onto those kinds of things and that was the beginning of our liberation, or
the beginning of the change in our attitude.
It is not surprising that some people eventually wanted to do more than just get married for, as
Stephanie remembers, "Our mothers were promoting education because they had been deprived
of higher education." Stephanie's mother had wanted to go to university and was flatly refused
because that was a boy's right, and her father would simply not allow it.
Even when she dared to break free of the family and find a job on her own, her father
came in to the work place, and bodily picked her up, and carried her home, saying that
no daughter of his was going to work . . . . Yet if we had to depend on a spouse to
provide everything for us, many of us felt [denied]. . . . I think we have gone [past]
those kinds of things.
Stephanie remembers separate activities for boys and giris.
In our Grade Six classroom we had a handwork period every Friday afternoon. The
boys went out and did woodwork and made small [crafts] while the girls were taught
knitting, sewing, crocheting, tatting, and these kinds of things. I remember that
teacher, and how much she influenced our lives by providing these things . . .
[particularly] in terms of leisure activities and being able to teach other people to hand
down these skills, quite apart from the practical side of producing something. Yet it had
nothing to do with curriculum or academics, really. If you look at curriculum as being
very broad, well rounded, and balanced, then it was good. I really don't recall any
parents complaining that it was a waste of time. It was quite acceptable. It was perfect
and I think that [this particular] teacher has provided all of these skills . . . and most of
us, who went to her classes, still, to this day, continue to do those things. . . . We
continue to find joy in the doing.
Stephanie remembers that many children, who were not strong academically but excelled in
handwork, dropped out of school by Grade Seven. However, she says that even today some
of them continue to find a sense of respect and accomplishment in doing this handwork today.
Findinp Support: network in^ Within Her Discipline
It was critical to Stephanie to maintain a connection to others from her discipline and to keep
current in her area of curriculum.
I first got involved through my affiliation at the provincial level . . . . Within this area
of expertise there was a wonderful network linking the provincial and the national,
which does not happen in any of the other fields. So very early I became involved with
the national organization. In the first years I went to conferences and special meetings
out-of-pocket. I paid my own expenses to these things and worked very, very hard
because I believed in the kinds of change they were trying to bring about. I had a very
supportive principal who made sure that I had access to these national events. I ended
up being on the executive of the national as vice-president. It was hard work, and yet
that was the thing that gave me the drive to promote change at the provincial level.
Mixing with professionals causes a real adrenaline flow and you just feel so good when
something happens.
Stephanie speaks of the wonderful principal who got her the time off from school to attend. He
would encourage her to go, to the point of taking the risk of saying, "Go and I will deal with
getting your days off later." But there were other capacities in which Stephanie worked, at
other levels of the hierarchy of education, where the professional development aspect was not
given great support, and where it was very diff~cult to obtain permission to attend conferences.
I think that was mainly a result of fiscal restraint. Yet when I think about it, it was fiscal
restraint only in certain areas. There certainly was a lot of money wasted on other
things . . . . We were limited to one conference every two years. Even when
conferences were paid for, when we had travel, accommodation and daily expenses
paid for by outside agencies, we still were not allowed to accept them because of the
perception of the public as seeing us travelling and thinking the money may have come
out of government funds . . . . That is very distressing when you are working in the
area of education and you want to grasp every bit of knowledge that you can find.
Conflict Between What Was/Is and What Could Have B e e m h a t Could Be
At the Ministry level Stephanie was in the position of expert, her responsibility was consulting
with teachers in the field, and informing them of the latest developments in her area of expertise.
The reality was that she was not always given opportunity to avail of professional development
activities. This made it even more difficult to keep abreast of current research and thinking in her
discipline. There was a definite split in what Stephanie expected of herself and what the
Ministry expected of her. A lack of support from the Ministry prevented Stephanie from being
what teachers expected her to be as provincial consultant--the most informed resource person in
the province in her discipline. This created a dilemma for her.
Unfortunately it filtered down to our relationship with the local field, with the other
teachers. It ended up that we [at the Ministry level] were not being the leaders, but
instead we were followers because teachers were allowed to obtain these things
professional Development], and we were not. . . . In many cases we were actually
behind in the knowledge and new developments. I know that a lot of teachers are not
able to go to these conferences, but there was usually teacher representation. It is
interesting to note that in the education system [research], principals are identified as
one of the major deterrents to good programming, and yet 1 have to say that, in at least
two of the schools where I worked, the principals were certainly the strongest
supporters.
Stephanie informs me that neither of these two principals had personally experienced the joy of
her discipline. Yet in working with them Stephanie feels that she has somehow conveyed to
them the necessity for her subject area in the school system. In both cases the principals
became actively involved. She found that quite interesting because
It is very difficult for an adult to re-Ieam many of these skills; to go into a class of eight
or nine year olds, be less skilled than those children, and yet participate for the fun of it
for half an hour or an hour. It was most gratifying for me.
Stephanie believes this sent a very strong message to the children. It affirmed what she was
doing, confirmed that she did it well, and told her that these people believed in her and her
subject area.
Ste~hanie and Gender
Stephanie says that she never felt disadvantaged in the field [while teaching in her discipline in
the schools] because she was a woman.
I think I was quite assertive in the area and became active on the provincial committee at
an early age and became somewhat of a household name in the profession, in that
people respect me, and I think they recognized that I worked very hard for the
profession. So I don't think I was disadvantaged. In my undergraduate years the males
and females were separate and they were in separate campuses. It was an all-girls'
school in terms of our actual academic things and activity classes, and very little
interaction with other classes, and so we had the advantage of being an all girls school
within a major national university.
That was kind of a unique experience . . . because we were just in two different types
of activities at the time- [It is] interesting to note that we had mostly female instructors,
but we had about three male instructors in an all-girls' school. Yet when we get out into
this particular field here in Canada, there has been traditionally [a split ofJ 80% males
and 20% females. Even in the university classes now, this same ratio holds. So it is
still a very male-dominated field, and I guess I was one of the first women in my
province to go into this field.
The Cost of Beine Female: .Job Promotion
Stephanie did not consider being female a drawback as a teacher, in the field, close to the
teachers, nor as an executive member of the national association. There were, however, times
. . . when I felt that I was not being Iistened to simply because I was a woman, and
that had a man made these statements, or comments [which I had made] . . . [the
comments] would have been listened to or acted upon.
Stephanie says that such times were obviously very frustrating for her.
I don't know what the answer is, and certainly, at the time, I was one of two females
across Canada holding this particular position. Yet when I went to the national
meetings, being one of two females with twenty-something men sitting around the
table, we were just regarded as people. I don't think anyone considered . . . . I'm sure
if you asked any of those people who sat around the table, how many males and
females were there, they wouldn't be able to tell you. We were simply accepted as one
of the group and not ever thought of as women or men. However, at home [in my own
province] I found it very frustrating to be in a place of work, and to have this feeling
that men were probably getting more than we were.
Stephanie felt that her being female interfered with job promotion. While working in one
particular replacement position in teacher education, she was asked to apply for that position
when it was advertised as permanent. She did, but was unsuccessfu1 even though she
considered herself more qualified than the male applicant chosen. "I really enjoyed that
position. I felt I was in a position where I could really affect changes in the system."
Stephanie then shared a more recent story of career advancement within the bureaucracy.
She says that when an opening occurred at the Ministry of Education.
I was encouraged informally to apply. There was no guarantee [that I would get the
position] because there would be other applicants, and it would have to go to the
selection committee . . . . Several of us, who applied for that particular position, had a
very broad base of curriculum experience . . . most of us having studied in several
different environments . . . . We had a good cross-section of curriculum, theory and
practice. In the ultimate hiring, the person who got the position had a very narrow
background--had studied one subject area, and not even attained a master's degree.
Most of us [applicants] had one master's degree. In some cases there were two
masters, and there . . . was a doctorate applying for the position.
We felt that this [the appointment of this man] was kind of an omen, as it were, of the
direction that the Ministry would be taking because there was such a narrow focus in
the background of this particular person who had absolutely no understanding
whatsoever of the [various] subject areas that other people were bringing to a balanced
cumculum. At that point we felt that a balanced cumculum would always be there. I
was redly devastated by the response. I felt that I had gone through the interview
process quite strongly.
I was told after the interview that my resume had not even been read prior to [my]
going into the meeting. I was quite upset. The same thing was told to another woman
who had applied for a position and, as far as I know, the men who applied were not
told. So whether any of them [the applications] were read or whether it was just ours
that were discounted at the beginning, I don't know, but I was told by one of the
interviewers that the resumes were not read.
When Stephanie questioned the selection procedure she was told that the applications were
merely screened to ensure all candidates had the basic qualifications necessary to the position.
Stephanie had assumed that there would have been a general screening indicating whether, or
not, candidates had a masters degree or education beyond the basic requirement. She continued
All of us had gone beyond the Bachelor's level-maybe you had experience in other
[subject areas] . . . experience in other countries . . . educational studies outside the
Canadian]. All of the applicants, except the person who got the position . . . had
studied outside Canada . . . . One lady had studied in Hungary and in Great Britain. I
had studied in the States, Great Britain, and also in Canada . . . Europe as well. We felt
that particular hiring process was unfair.
The interviews for this position were camed out by a government-employment commission,
the members of which were considered impartial. According to Stephanie, the interview-team
leader, a public-service employee, asked general questions and was impartial as far as content
was concerned. The other interviewer was the content expert, the individual who would work
with the successful applicant. The final decision was made
. . . on a point system and two of us were told, after the fact, . . . separately that, if it
was any consolation, we had come second. . . . We did chat . . . afterwards and found
out that we had both been told the same thing, so we were rather cynical about just how
the process worked. Maybe we did tie . . . have exactly the same scores but that would
be kind of unusual.
Stephanie recalls that there were many people who felt that she, in particular, should have been
appointed to the position. They wondered what recourse was open when she was not.
There was absolutely none. There was nothing we could do. The appointment was
made and several of my co-workers felt I was a very strong candidate. I certainly felt I
was stronger than the person who was appointed to the position. But obviously there
was a hidden agenda there, and the person was chosen for whatever reason . . . .
Someone with a bachelor's degree was awarded the top position in spite of the fact that
a candidate with double masters and, another, a doctoral candidate, and both, with
varied experience outside just one area, were just left standing in the dark, while
somebody with an undergraduate degree took the position . . . . Maybe I am reading
more into it. Possibly he was a better candidate. It was just one of the major
disappointments in my life.
When I inquired if this had happened previously at the Ministry, Stephanie replied she thought
there had been similar cases and that "It seemed very difficult for us to understand how this
happened--but the bottom line is that it did." I asked if she had to just accept, without question,
the decision of the hiring committee that she was not the best candidate. When I asked if there
were equality-rights legislation or any procedure for grievance or investigation, she replied
1 think we just had to accept it. I presume there was a way we could have gone through
grievance, but I am sure that they would have justified their reason for selecting this
individual on the basis of [something or other]. We didn't know what they were
looking for exactly, and it didn't become a terribly big issue once we realized the
appointment had been made. Unfortunately, we heard about the appointment before we
were officially told. I think that was another incidence of the women in the ministry
getting [Ieft out, ignored]. It simply wasn't important enough to tell us. We had to find
it out from somebody else before the Director actually called and said, "We want to
inform you that the position was given to this person." I think that part of it was
probably worse than losing the position--not being told.
The incident impacted upon Stephanie and the colleague who had also applied for the
position. Her colleague left almost immediately, for she had applied for and was appointed to
another position, which in the long-term proved to be a better one. Stephanie stayed at the
Ministry for severd years after that. She felt it was unfortunate that she did not have the
professional respect that she felt she should have for her superior. She questioned his ability
to carry on in the position, but continued to throw herself completely into her job and work.
The position was never mentioned again. The matter was "put quietly aside." Much of
Stephanie's time was taken up doing tasks which appeared to be outside her job description.
She was often
. . . given duties outside of my own mandate, and many of them were done without
my signature and actually [under] somebody else's name. . . . There were at least four
to five people between me--above me and below the person for whom I was doing
much of this work, and it seemed to me that they were getting paid to do that kind of a
thing. I was being paid to do something entirely different. Rather than just consulting
with me for advice on the [particular problem] . . . this project, I was asked to write
speeches and responses to correspondence. I thought that was outside my position, and
yet it was demanded . . . . And [ these were demands] for which there was no official
recognition; no thank you.
Officially Stephanie worked from 8:30--430, but it was a very rare night that she was out of
that building before 6:00 or 6:30. She also put in early morning time, and worked possibly three
weekends out of four, from the morning till night, in an attempt to catch up with the
correspondence.
Resonances. Stephanie said at one point that she never felt disadvantaged as a teacher
in the school system or national organization became she was a woman. However, she
collided with the glass-ceiling when applying for promotion at the university and the
Ministry.
Story Number One
Stephanie's story of application and rejection reminds me of m y recent application for a
professional development position. It seemed that the job description had been written for
me. The last five years of my life had been spent studying and working in this particular
area of expertise. My professional writings were being used in several provinces as a
catalyst for the development of teacher induction programs. Not only had I felt that the
interview had gone well but I was infonned immediately afterwards by the leader of the
interview team that it had been excelZent. During the interview, several members of the
team commented on the quality of my resume and vast experience. I knew that the other
candidates, with the exception of one who had been a professional development officer for
many years, did not have my experience and expertise in the required area.
However. the position was awarded to a young (mid-thirties) female colleague of mine
who later shared wirh me her surprise at being selected from a group of seemingly more
experienced and qualified candidates. When unbeknownst to me several of my colleagues
contacted the employer asking for some explanation, they were told the successjfid
applicant had fluency in a second language. That language was neither mentioned in the
advertisement nor in the interview. My se(f esteem plummeted. Feelings of
disappointment gradually turned to anger. I wrote a letter questioning the whole procedure,
but never sent it. I continued to ponder. Ageism was suggested and when I asked. "How do
you prove ageism ? ", an Equality Rights Oflcer told me, "It's very di'cult. "
I felr I had been discriminared against in this situation. Did female image determine the
decision of the interview team? Are older women seen to have lost their usefulness,
abilities, and enrhusiasrn? Was I doubly discriminated against when the additional
qualification of a second language was added post-advertisement and post-interview?
Story Number Two
In December 1996, the principal with whom I worked retired. The appointment of his
successor was to be announced two days before Christmas. I had applied for the position
even though I had taught for that board during the 1989-90 school year after a fifreen-year
absence and, had returned once again in 1992, afier my doctoral residency. I did not have
an expectation of being appointed, for there were tenured principals in line for the
position--people who had served their time at smaller and rnrcch more challenging schools. I
was not surprised when the letter arrived, informing me I had been rmsucces~ul. I was,
however, rather disappointed in light of the service I had given during the four-and-a-half
years of my tenure as vice-principal.
Late one evening, two days before New YearS eve, Robert, who had retired on the last
school day before Christmas vacation, telephoned me to say he had just received a call
from the police. The alarm system at the school had gone off and the police were
requesting that the principal come ro the school immediately. Robert was entertaining and
could not oblige. Since I was ill, I suggested to Robert that he call the newly-appointed
principal. He asked, "Who is it?" to which I replied, ''1 don't know. All I know is that I am
not!" I went on to explain to him that my letter of rejection which had arrived a week
earlier had informed me that I had been unsuccessfirl and thanked me for my interest in
applying. The letter did not name the principal with whom I wozcld work afrer Clzristmas.
As vice-principal of the school I felt that I should have at least been extended the courtesy
of being informed of the identity of the successfrrl applicant. What must the policemen
have thought when Robert told them that neither he, nor I, the vice-principal, knew the
identity of his replacement.
Two days later, the newly-appointed principal telephoned ro ask my advice on hosting an
at-home reception for the school staff members so that she could meet them before school
opened on the following Monday. I toZd her thar I had not been informed of her
appoinrment and congratulated her. Later in the week I sent her flowers and a note. She
could not believe that as the vice-principal, I had not been informed of her appointment as
principal. Did she wonder why I had not contacted her? Did she think I was upset with her
about her appointment? Did she wonder how this would affect our professional
relationship? I concluded from this experience and many others on this particular
professional knowledge landscape, that there was a definite lack of communication
between personnel from the school board and the schooL
When I dropped by the school during the latter part of the Christmas vacation, the
caretaker, a very active union member, told me that he was sorry I had not been
appointed principal and went on to ask, "How could someone with far less qualifcations
than you be appointed?" How could I explain the clause, "Subject to board approval," the
clause which covers the underlying reasons for the School Board's appointments and
rejections? While the Board's decision may or may not have had merit, there was
something lacking in the way in which Robert and I were lefr uninformed.
Professionalism
Stephanie defines professionalism as
. . . carrying out the mandate that I had there. I felt that, by being professional, I owed
to the field. I had a stronger responsibility to them [teachers], I thought, than I did to
the people who were requesting my time to answer correspondence, and to write
speeches, and so on. And yet, because of the time frame and the demand for an
immediate response [to requests for the letter and speech writing], I simply had to drop
what I was doing for the [teachers in the] field. The actual curriculum development
was put on hold when a11 of these extra things would come along. There was very little
sympathy in the ministry from my immediate superiors. It was said, "Well you're
expected to do thisw--so you do it.
Stephanie's level of frustration increased as she was pulled in different directions. She was tom
between her loyalty to teachers and to the bureaucracy.
In that particular position working in the Ministry, there is an immediate conflict
because you are a professional working within a bureaucracy and that creates a major
conflict. The professional side of me . . . wanted my professional side to be stronger
than the bureaucratic part of my job, and yet in many cases it was the bureaucracy that
demanded my time and energy rather than my professional side. That was a conflict. I
recognized the conflict and tried to deaI with it, but it was very difficult sometimes to
maintain a balance, or a balance that pleased me. And of course you had to react to
criticism from the field. It was difficult to explain to teachers that projects were not
finished because of other jobs [which demanded my attention]. This was not just me
[my situation], this was typical of the whole group of people-men and women [who
worked as consultants].
Stephanie's split/dilernrna~conflict in wanting to work for teachers and being caught in the
bureaucracy reminded me of my own dilemmas in being vice-principal and teacher. As
mentioned previously I wrote about that experience during the Winter Semester of 1994.
As a consultant it was Stephanie's role to ensure that the bureaucracy was aware of what was
needed by teachers in the field. When asked if there were battles which she may have fought
and won, she replied
264
Oh, I think so. There wasn't a whole lot of dialogue about that kind of conflict. There
was a great deal of discussion at staff meetings, and [there were] working days that we
spent discussing changes. And that it is an important part of what we were doing. We
were trying to implement [changes], and learn about the theory . . . and the technical
side of change. There was never any discussion concerning conflict between
[bureaucracy] and professionalism. I find that interesting because while we felt it and
recognized it. it seemed that our superiors either didn't recognize it, or were simply not
aware of it.
Most of them [the people in the division] have worked their way up through the
teaching system, but then there are the people who are appointed to the higher levels-
the closer they get to the Minister the more bureaucratic they become. When you come
in on the ground floor you still have very strong ties to the profession. As these people
moved up then their ties with bureaucracy became stronger than their ties with the
profession.
Typing services were available to Stephanie in her position at the Ministry until computers were
introduced about a year before she left. Her division was the last to receive a computer. It
amved about a month before Stephanie was ready to resign. Even though the consultants were
expected to do their own typing they were not given training in the use of computers. Periodic
help of fifteen to twenty minutes was available to cope with the immediate problem or project.
This trial and error introduction to computers cut deeply into personal time. Fortunately, at this
stage of life, Stephanie's children were in university and living away from home.
Nevertheless, her husband did not react well to her long hours although, on occasion, he
appeared outwardly supportive. She feels that when it came to the crunch, however, he was
not really supportive and resented the time she spent at the office.
I was caught in a situation . . . . This work had to be completed. It was not something I
could keep on delaying. Sooner or later there had to be catch-up time. Because most of
my day was taken up between being reactive to the field [responding to] telephone
calls, visitors, special requests, and consulting with people in the Ministry, it meant that
my own work and correspondence simply had to stay unfinished. It was a matter [after
hours] of getting it done and getting it out.
I had mixed feelings because I was totally wrapped up in my job. I believed in it. I
worked hard to be perceived as doing my job. I had a responsibility to the field to get
this work out--to get it done--and I felt that I had a responsibility to my superiors. If
they requested information I felt that it should be provided. I never once thought of
being assertive or refusing to do it. I was assertive in that I was doing the work but,
refusing to do it, that simply wasn't--it was not an option.
It was difficult to bridge the gap between the system and the field. Stephanie stayed at the
Ministry for six years before retiring. There were a number of reasons [for early retirement].
There were personal reasons why I wanted to [retire] but . . . . At that time I had less
professional respect for my immediate superiors . . . . I am not sure if it was just [the]
people [for whom I had this lack of respect] or whether it was the whole system, and
maybe that should be clarified.
Stephanie resented the fact that more and more of her time was demanded just to keep the
system going. This created dilemma and conflict for her. Stephanie knew that the changes she
wished to bring about, in her subject area, had to be brought about through changes in the
field, through working with teachers.
The work that I needed to do was the actual curriculum development for the teachers.
Because my time was being taken up with other jobs I felt [I was] not being true to the
field . . . . I personally just could not see . . . and I never ever wanted to be working
just because it was a job and was getting a pay cheque every month. I wanted. . . . It
was important to bring about change . . . . Ultimately I kept thinking of the children out
in the field . . . and yet most of my time was taken up in [helping to keep the
bureaucracy running].
Stephanie's sense of fulfillment continued throughout her career. She considers that her "whole
career, right from day one, was very fulfilling." She admits the last few years at the ministry
were extremely frustrating as a mixture of bureaucracy and fiscal restraint made it extremely
difficult to be proactive in the field. She hated being reactive, but that was her reality. Stephanie
felt that she and her colleagues were forever responding to criticism from the field, rather than
actively promoting programs. When the new programs, much of which Stephanie had
authored, were complete, ready for distribution, they could not be implemented due to lack of
funds. There were national programs which could have been implemented at very little cost.
However, lack of resources, physical restraints, particularly lack of time, made it impossible.
Professional Recopnition
When Stephanie received national recognition for her work in fostering the development of her
particular discipline it went almost unnoticed in her hometown and province. It has been
suggested by some of Stephanie's colleagues that the importance of the award is unrecognized,
and that the national implications are misunderstood. There are others colleagues who suggest
that it went unnoticed because Stephanie is a woman. When speaking of the award Stephanie
said
Well, first of all, that award is so prestigious that I had never ever considered the
possibility that I would be a candidate for it. When I was advised that it was to be
presented, I was in a state of absolute shock because I knew many of the previous
award winners . . . I couldn't even comprehend that I could even be nominated.
However, when I received the award I was absolutely just blown away by the
marvelous things that were said and the appreciation for the changes that I had worked
on.
At the home front there was very little reaction to it. I don't think I was even offered
congratulations. I had a one-sentence letter from the Minister which was written by
somebody else, and none of my immediate colleagues in the work place acknowledged
it at all, despite the fact that it was in all of the newspapers, and letters had been most
graciously sent to all of my co-workers. So I have kind of mixed feelings about that. I
just found that people did not appreciate the efforts that I had made on their behalf over
the years and maybe they just did not know how to respond to it. I firmly believe that
they have no concept of the connectedness of the provincial and national activity. I
think they simply don't understand it and therefore are quite incapable of making
judgment.
Nurturing of Self and Others: The Concept of Treasured Moments
When we approached the concept of self, of the numring of the self through life, marriage,
child bearing, child rearing, professionaiism, and integration of career and family, Stephanie
spoke of being conditioned as a woman to putting herself last. She believes this may be why
she did not speak up and refuse to do someone else's work. She remembers, "It was very
important, [what somebody else would think or say]. That was part of it, and part of it was that
[saying no] simply was not acceptable in terms of the way we were conditioned."
When I shared a story of accepting what I then considered the challenge of teaching two
kindergarten cIasses across the city, after being assured by the superintendent that if anyone in
the system could do this successfully it was I, Stephanie commented
I have had some of the same things said to me, on many occasions, and, looking back
now, I think it was a good con-job. They just conned you into doing that. Whether this
happened only to women, I don't know . . . . I don't know any men who had to do
double the work. . . . Yet we did, and we did it willingIy because we felt that we were
being challenged, and that we should rise to [that] new challenge. I don't know if we
have learned anything from all of this. I think I personally can be a little more objective
about things now. It is easier to say, "No!" [It is] unfortunate that it took me a lifetime
to learn it, [but] now I can stand up to somebody and say, "Look that's a con-job and
I'm not going to fall for it!" It's much easier now. . . . Only through studying things
like the project that you are doing and reading women's literature and so on [can we
change it]."
Stephanie's discovery of treasured moments allowed an opportunity for nurturing the self.
She shared her story of discovery.
It was quite far into my professional career when I had been travelling quite a bit.
Sometimes conferences were back to back and I was in one city and into another one
just travelling all over the place and being really tired and fatigued. At some point I
realized that there had to be some time for me and deveIoped a whole philosophy of
stealing treasured moments out of very busy workdays and work schedules. These
took many forms. I made it a point that [during] every road trip . . . there would be
time to experience a beautiful sunser, or a walk through a rose garden, just something
that was nature-oriented, that was quiet, that was tranquil. I tried to build that into every
trip that I took.
It was at this point that Stephanie shared her Canada Goose story.
Few] people realize how hectic it is for a woman to prepare for a trip away from
home,-to get everything organized on the home front, to get everything organized in
the office, and then to finally get on the plane, and eventually find your way to a hotel
at the other end. I was in Toronto in a hotel that was probably between sixteen and
twenty storeys high. There was a small balcony, and it was either late spring or early
fall. I have forgotten which, but it was a lovely evening.
The balcony door was open and, in the middle of Toronto, I very definitely heard geese
honking. I could not believe it--twenty storeys up; traffic [was] roaring by--four lanes
at a time; and I could hear geese. . . . I stepped out on the balcony. The sun was
setting and there was the most beautiful golden-pink sky you could imagine. I looked
up and [saw] a flock of geese with that beautihl sunset reflected off their bellies. The
whole flock of geese was just a golden-pink colour in the sky, and I watched them fly
out of sight. That was one treasured moment that I won't forget in a hurry.
Stephanie spoke about her "treasured moments" and how she used them.
Treasured moments were moments that I remembered, reflected upon, and used almost
as an escape from a very hectic schedule. If I had a moment to stop and relax I would
stop and take it as a treasured moment. And even today they come to my mind--but it
was really a kind of a safety net, that when things got so hectic that my mind was
overwhelmed completely, I could rock [think] on these thoughts, and be completely
refreshed afterwards.
When asked how she came upon the idea, whether on her own or through someone else's
sharing, Stephanie replied
No, I don't recall anybody sharing it with me. I just redized that there were times that
came to me quite unexpectedly-a beautiful scene, a beautiful moment, or something
very wonderful that somebody has said to me, and I thought, "I really ought to
remember this moment," and so I made a conscious effort to remember. Then when I
realized how much pleasure and serenity it brought to my life, then I went out of my
way looking for it, and sometimes I even drive for pleasure.
Stephanie's treasured moments sustained her on trips. They also sustained her through any
difficult times that she might have had when trying to cope with getting everything done at
home, and making sure that everything was in order at home, school, or office. Even today,
"When things get particularly rough I can sit quietly and think of some of these things."
Resonance. Stephanie's initial experience with technology reminds me of that of many
teachers for the introduction of technology into many schools was not accompanied by
professional development sessions for teachers. Acquiring computer literacy was a
process of trial and error which required a great amount of time and even more patience.
School-based training sessions demanded that teachers take time after school, in the
evening, or on Saturdays. Boards could not, or would not, provide time during teaching
hours for instruction in the use of computers.
In a previous resonance in this chapter, I referred to teacher reaction to a new report card
and the extensive time demands needed to complete it. In addition to the time required
to collect the required infomation, teachers had to spend time learning how to use
computers and the computer templates. The Board requested that report cards be
completed on computers, but did not provide instruction for each teacher in the use of
templates. How did the teachers who were unfamiliar with computers feel? What did it
do to sev-concept ? The high level of frustration which we experienced aflected situation
and interaction both inside and outside our classrooms. Why were teachers forced to do
this? What was the rationale for introducing teachers to computers in this way? Was the
Board's policy based on current educational philosophy?
Stephanie found herself caught between loyalty to teachers in the field and loyalty to the
brtreaucracy. I found myself caught in administration between loyalty to teachers and
ioyalty to the principal. As haytime reacher and half-time administrator I was caught
between teaching and administration. My life as administrator was further complicated
by the conflict surrounding staff and parent reaction to the appoinment of the principal.
Since we were both appointed to our positions concurrently, the secretary was the only
person in the administration ofice who could provide a sense of continuity. In actual@
she had been there since the school opened. The Board appointed the principal and vice-
principal and took no further responsibility for the conflicts that were present in the
context of our professional knowledge landscape.
The situations which Srephanie and I encountered played themselves our in our personal
professional lives. They were the cause of split/dilemma/conflict across and throughout
our lives as teachers. There was never s~&kiertt time to complete the duties assigned in
our dual roles. How do you bring about change? How do we make the system supportive
of teachers? Do we keep trying to achieve the images we have of ideal teacher? Do we
continue to listen to the rhetoric of teaching, despite the impossibility of reaching our
goals? What happens when we do this? How do we survive? Is survival enough? In the
midst of spliVdilemrna and conflict how can teachers, who combine family and career,
find times to nourish the spirit, to maintain a balance, a sense of wholeness? Stephanie's
treasured moments provide one way. Are there others? Are they enough? Do we need
only to change ourselves, or is there also a need to change the system in order to
accommodate those who live the dual role?
Summarv Comments. Stephanie's is a story of spIit/dilemma/conflict both at home and at
work. She returns to school feeling that she is doing so with her husband's permission; on the
condition that she not disturb the status-quo. Her husband's stories of fatherhood and marriage
did not seem to include taking on work which was traditionalIy assigned to women. Stephanie
sees herself as supporting the status-quo on behalf of her husband and children.
There is also a conflict at work between Stephanie's image of her role as ministry consultant
and the bureaucracy's image of her role, and how that delineation allows her to live the role.
Stephanie believes her purpose is to support teachers in the field, while the Ministry sees her
position as serving the bureaucracy. She is tom between loyalty to the field, and responsibility
to the Ministry. The sacred story of the Ministry is that consultants serve teachers in the field
by sharing their knowledge. But the story which Stephanie lives is not one of being the
Ministry's educational consultant to teachers, for much of her time is used to complete other
people's work. There is a lack of support for her position as curriculum developer and teacher
advocate. Stephanie is a dedicated individual. The splits come as she lives the cover story of a
liberated woman--ministry consukant, mother and wife. What price did she pay? What are her
untold stories of relationship? Are different stories possible on her landscape? How are her
stories of splits in women's lives stories of the continuing societal narrative? What are the
stories we do not tell? And why do we not teIi them?
Chapter Nine
Catherine Iannaconne
In the Bepinning
Catherine. a second generation Canadian, grew up in a small Ontario town. Both her maternal
and paternal grandparents emigrated from Europe. When I first met Catherine. in the early
nineties. she was teaching at a faculty of education. a two-hour drive from her family
residence. and life with her educator husband and two teenage children. From Monday to
Friday Catherine lived in a small apartment close to the faculty building. She went home most
weekends. although work commitments sometimes required her to remain in the city. or attend
conferences elsewhere. Our conversations were squeezed into busy schedules: 7:00 a.m.
breakfast meetings at a nearby restaurant. late night evening meals at her office, or in the
sanctuary of her small apartment.
Catherine. a former elementary teacher and school trustee. had originally come to this faculty as
a graduate student. Shortly after. she became instrumental in the establishment of a field-based
teacher-education program. As a result, her graduate work was put "on hold". The thesis
remained unfinished for seven years as Catherine became more and more involved in her
position at the faculty. Despite her efforts in this field-based program her position remained
contractual. As the administrator and teacher of this program Catherine's responsibilities
included budgeting. timetabling, teacher placement. course design and development, liaison
with school staff. and compiling reports and assignments. She also taught ten hours a week.
Catherine referred to her faculty as a research institution and, although research and writing
were not specifically listed in her contract, she felt she must do them. Catherine's thesis has
since been completed. and she now holds a tenured position at another Ontario Faculty of
Education. This position permits her to live at home.
Elementary school is remembered by Catherine as the place where she was "the smart kid in
class." got A's. and was "kept busy answering the phone, running around doing errands. and
painting pictures." There was no enrichment program She remembers a Grade Five teacher
who taught her "how to mix colours. Up 'ti1 then for art class we had white paper and drew
pictures. What Miss Morris did in that one lesson alone was enlarging." Catherine sees the
experiences as shaping her interest. as an educator: the "what to do" and "what not to do" of
=rams- teacher education pro,
Catherine enrolled in teachers' college after graduation from high school. Marriage and seven
years of teaching followed her year of study and certification. With the birth of her first child
Catherine resigned from teaching and stayed at home. During that time, "I finished my degrees
-and did some other things- I volunteered at school and in community organizations. They
tended to be sideline activities- My focus was on the family." Catherine's activities kept her
connected to the profession. Eventually she decided to go back to work. When Catherine left
home to pursue graduate studies, her children were eight and ten years old. I ask if her
decision to pursue graduate studies was a family decision. She replies
Xot exactly. The idea came. I announced it, and no one said, "No." This is the tricky
put. and 1 am not comfortable about talking about [it] too much. [In other words. I
not going to tell you a lot. not for these purposes.]
I respond. "Fair enough." and Catherine tells me about the stay-at-home years. She admits to
"laundering" her story as she goes.
I had been home for 12 years and had finished my undergraduate degree and my
Masters degree at night school. I served as a Trustee. painted, did volunteer work, and
went to the kids' school with them, things like that. @3entualIy I came to] a stage
where I knew I had to make another choice. I had to make some choices about my
future. I quit teaching to take care of the kids. to be a stay-at-home mother, because my
understanding at that time, was that it was good for the kids. That was an ideal I
wanted. That was when everyone was talking about the first five years of children's
lives being so important. I gave it my best shot. to do what I thought was the right
thing to do. On the other hand, it was also good for me. obviously. [to spend] time
with them [my children]. It [staying at home] was my best shot at doing it the right
way. All my contemporaries stayed at work. I was the only one of us to stay at home.
I worked really hard to stay busy, interested. and active. I took care of the creative side-
-hobbies and whatever. I am not really sure that the kids are "better" because I did that,
because I stayed at home. Maybe 1 didn't do well enough, maybe I tried too hard. 1
don't know. I am not sure that I was a great mother just because I wanted to be a great
mother. I think I would still make the same choice, though. I don't regret it. but there
are certainly pains and crises to it. Some of the fallout of that time was that I gave up
my career. my intellectual life in that sense. I couldn't help but feel that I was not taken
seriously by some because I wasn't in the work force; (I] would have education talk all
around me, but [those in conversation] didn't seem to see me as knowing anything. I
was just on the periphery because I wasn't doing the job [teachingl.
R es o n an c e. Catlzeriize 's sroc resortares with my own. She was married seven years before
tlzr birth of'he~-~Trst child. I t w s married four yenrs before Pad was bum. That rvus long
enough to leant the weave of n life built around teaching, marriage. and a pamer's career. It
wus on!! ~zatrii-al rhar nfrer the birth of my children I ~vorild experience the dilenrma of being
tom bjfilnzify a i d cczreer: wcmring to be at home with in? clzildren. and at the same timr
wamirzg to be involved with my profession. Catherine, roo, hud tried to mould her life to fit tlze
trciditiorzal plot but fortrzd she needed to stay connected to the profession. Ca the~ne s a p that
her rrtrtnz nms driven b ~ . a tzred to "take cure'' of herse(f: I am trot sure what drove tny desire to
return to the classroom. In retrospect I wotrder about what makes its want ro fit the fentale
plotline? Why are we tom behveett fatnil! and career? What does it do to us:' How can rc-e
lessen the split/dilemmdco~zflict which some of us experience as we live the dual role of family
and career? Catheriirr says she "tarmdered" the stories she shares. WIzy did she feel she had to
ktrrrzder them ? f f m e I, too, been hindering tny stories? For what prrrpose ? In what way?
Catherine felt that some people were not taking her seriously when she spoke about education
unless she was right there in the classroom teaching. She had to be
Doing it [teaching] or they didn't think I really knew. That aside. 1 gave up my
independence in a sense [in staying home]. I couldn't take care of myself financially.
That made me a very dependent person--woman. I had no income of my own. I had
no sense of my own identity as an independent person. I remember thinking that I was
a 'feeding machine'-that so much of my time was spent seeing that everyone was well
fed. In those days. I didn't have the language [to talk about these issues] because I
wasn't studying feminism. It seemed to me that I was trapped because I had no money
of my own. I had no independence. I finished my Master's degree and. in the course of
doing the Master's, some seeds were planted (interestingly enough by an interviewee.)
1 guess I was open [to that planted seed] to continue my education because of the
success I felt when I was doing my research.
There were lots of contingencies and lots of issues invotved in why I chose what I
chose. But it eventually came around to going back to school and doing the doctorate.
Ir seemed to make sense at the time as a way of dealing with the situation. And I didn't
know--mind you. I am not sure if I ever know what I am getting into. when I am
getting into anything in life-what exactly I was getting into--but I didn't have a sense
of where it would lead. I didn't project much further than going back to school and
figuring it out dong the way. I was happy and surprised that I was able to manage that
much. I think maybe family and fiends might have perceived it as another one of my
little hobbies. similar to finishing off my ilndergraduate and my Masters' degree at
night. They were hobbies, the little things I did on the side; little amusing things to keep
me busy but not anything that would lead to significant change in me or my lifestyle.
I also didn't know how big it was and what its implications were. I'm not sure that I
knew myself. but graduate work did provide an answer to some problems for me at the
time. So I went back to school to see what I could make of myself. I remember
thinking that I had to "take care of myself." I had to find a way of taking care of myself
and that [enrolling in graduate studies] was a way of [doing that]. I know I had large
expectations that studying would make me wiser-that I would come to understand my
situation. and myself including my past. better. I think there were some other peopIe
who saw it as an ambitious move. But ambition wasn't in there for me. People don't
understand. They say. "Wow. is that ever great that you did that." To me, it was
survival because the question was "How will I take care of myself?" One thing led to
another.
Resortarzce. Catherim's sron resonates ~t*ithin me. The words coirld have been mine. I have
no idea what her more personal reasons were for- feeling this need for- irzdependence, but some
of her reasortirzg and actions are similar to my own. I. too. had no idea of what I bvczs gertirzg
into ~cherz, while still in rlze wake of a rnnrriage break-up, I begun doctoral studies. I had no
rzotion n71 studies wo~rld take over my life--how r h e ~ worcld impact upon finances,
rrl~~tio~zships. rime. secro-ig, and izealtlz. I know I run rrvith the idea of graduate sdzool when
nz>' S O I L Pmi. suggested it.
As I thirzk ~q~otz tizat period of tny life--post nzarriage break-ccp and graduate strtdirs at two
different rrtziversities, I carzrzot help but ask ifthere rms a connection behveen my l$elong love
of school and mj w e d to flee ro a place of safev, a place where my sev-esteem remained
i~ztact. in spite o f - m ~ marriage break-up? Was I r~mrzirzgfi-om the trarcnza of the broken
marrirrge? W ~ l s I I-rrrvling to n pime of sajies spinttzng n cocoon of protection bvfocusirzg on
the M. Ed. and the Ph.D.. progrmzs? In doing so rms I delaying the grieving process which
fbllmt.s the death of'a r-elatio~zslzip? Ifso, th-orlglz focnsing 011 the chllenge of gradrrate
school. I tnuy have delayed the grieving by about nine years--preverzted the moviizg on with nzy
IiJe. W b ?
When I mention that the desire to take care of herself led her to develop and implement the non-
traditional teacher education program. Catherine says. "I was at the right place at the right time.
Dram. I think." When I ask why her thesis was put on hold after she became involved in the pro,
she says.
I couldn't work. I couldn't do the work and then go and switch my head into this
entirely different thing and become the writer. I didn't have the space. I couldn't switch
my gears quickly enough.
I tell Catherine that I found the same thing. As vice-principal, teacher, member of both
provincial and inter-provincial curriculum development committees. and family member. I
could not find the blocks of time. or the space, in which to write my thesis. I wonder if it
would have been easier had I chosen a less time-consuming method of inquiry?
Catherine continues to speak of her teaching and her attempts to write.
They were different things. They were tasks of two very different kinds. I just didn't
have the skills, I think, to know how to categorize and choose between them, and say
"No" to some tasks. and -'Yes" to others. I didn't know how to say *'No" to the
demands of the job in order to work on my thesis. I guess it was my work ethic. or
something. The schooling [graduate school] was for me. and the job was a
responsibility. and so you have to do the responsibility. The thing for me [the thesis]
would come when it wouId come. and I am still that way. I don't know that I learned.
or was taught, or had the skills. to do it otherwise. I continue to place the bulk of my
energies on my teaching activities. And that's a job that is never finished.
Catherine may have learned, as did I. that first you work. and then you play.
The work you owe is to the person paying you. and. anything else after is for your
own play. or work for your own interest. But your personal interest isn't first. But of
course it is in your interest. and it's up to you to do your work well. So. it's not like it
was self-sacrifice. I wasn't a hero or anything. -My personal pride. my dignity. my
sense of professional integrity was associated with that, too, so it's not like this was
somebody else. It wasn't like I was a housemaid, but the thesis was something else
. . . . If someone is paying you, you owe them. It's not just the money. it's not just
the employer. but it's the professionalism in it. It's not just a job. It's not a job.
I have to agree with Catherine that teaching. whether at elementary school or an education
faculty. is not just a job. It is never-ending work: too vast an undertaking to be limited by a job
description. I tell Catherine that, for me. there is a connection between mothering And
teaching- the caring which mothers and teachers do while working in conditions where there is
no job description. just a never-ending list of responsibilities. As long as you are breathing
and conscious there is always something else that needs to be done. I think the
personaVprofessional connection in the emotional nurturing that moms do at home, and which
teachers do in the primary and elementary grades where you are so close to being mom. You
stand-in for mom. It happens to some teachers in high school.
When I ask Catherine to comment on how her husband. Doug. saw all of this, she replies, "I
don't know how he saw it." I tell her that I know some husbands who would refuse to stay at
home with their children in order to permit their wives to relocate, to study in another place.
When I say that her husband. "Obviously. just by staying with the children. was a support."
Catherine says. "Oh. sure!" but counters
How could a person think he is forward thlnking and open-minded. and then say. "No"
[to such a request]? In some respects. I don't think he had a choice. I don't know how
he could have done otherwise, either. I think the amusement [of] the idea ran out. He
didn't know where it was going. either.
Catherine reminds me that she does not want some of her comments put into the thesis. I tell
her that there are whole stories that I have collected but which I cannot share. I wish there
were some way that I could include them. I have already thought of creating a composite
person to voice/share some of the stories. which I cannot attribute to the real people. I know
there is the possibility that the sharing of some of these stories. within their personal narratives.
could impact negatively upon participants should their identities become known. I tell
Catherine of the support I initially received from my former husband. and how. eventually. this
disappeared. She asks if he consciously withdrew his support. and I find myself replying
I don't think so. I don't think he said, "I am. or am not, going to do this." It has been
suggested that perhaps he felt insecure in the relationship--that I was moving beyond
him educationally or that he was competing with my academic pursuits for my time and
attention. In his inability to understand what was going on with my teaching and
learning he eventually withdrew his support. I [sometimes] felt that [in] some ways [he
was working against me]. The things he didldid not do [these acts] may not have been
intended as such [to work against me]. He probably did not view them as such.
because of where he was in living out the traditional story of marriage: the story which
his parents had lived and which they had taught him to live in--the roles of father.
husband. and son. I was not playing the role that he thought I would play as his wife.
It had to affect him. Even though two people love each other. love only goes so far.
Sometimes. I think men can lose their sense of identity. just as women do, It must be
scary for them. too.
Catherine agrees. "I think feminism should [involve both women and men]." and I continue
As mother of two sons and a daughter. and a woman who values relationships with
women and men. I cannot operate as a radical feminist. When people speak about
women being victims I agree that. in many ways. women are victims, but I think the
boys and men who cannot get in touch with their feelings and engage in honest
conversations with partners are also victims. Men and women use the same language.
We use the same words--vocabulary. We. therefore. assume we are talking about the
very same thing and. yet. we don't even hear the words in the same way. The same
words don't have the same meaning for both of us. So. even though some of the things
appeared intentional, I don't think my husband intended them as such. I believe his
non-supportive behaviours were his way of not knowing how to deal with the fact that
he couldn't play out the role he thought he was ro play as a man. I wasn't playing out
the one he expected me to play as his wife. I was changing the female story as he
understood i t should be lived. What was I doing to his story?
Catherine replies
I think that a lot of us run into this problem. We don't really know how to interpret our
husband's actions. We don't understand them. You said previously that you couldn't
articulate seven years ago in the same way. some of the things you articulate now-
Well. I was the same way. I didn't understand what was happening. But when [ look
back through the historical and social context I consider them part of the reason for
things [our lives] being [played out] as they were. I was limited in the way 1 could
understand what was happening at the time. The only reason I can look back now and
understand it indifferent ways is because I went on into other areas. I looked for new
ways to understand my experience. Disruption in my life sent me in another direction:
and I went on to explore other ways of thinking, and then to make other choices. So
it's not easy or straightforward: life goes on. It changes.
I go on to tell Catherine that in my search for answers and change. I don2 want to turn the
thesis into blame-game [male bashing] material. I honestly want to create an awareness of
some of the things with which women have had to contend.
Catherine is quick to say
For me the basic question that you were asking about, how I got to
go . . . back to school. was really about [a question of] how to take care of myself.
Going back to school was accepting responsibility for my situation and taking action to
change. That was the key.
Catherine had been independent for a long time. During her first seven years of marriage she
enjoved the security and satisfaction of her job and the sense of accomplishment it brought. Yet
At that point. without a [thought]. I gave up [my] career. In a sense, I stepped out of
it. For a long time. my worry was. after being away for a while, was where do I go
next. of how can I go back to the same place and feeling? I couldn't. So it [going back
to work or to study] was the obvious choice in taking care of myself, but it led to
something more. I didn't see the end [when making the initial decisions]. I just saw
what my options were at the time.
Resonance. Catherine's difictiln with writing rernids me of my own. Day a f e r dn?; I
would intend to return from work and write. But it never happened. I could never ger rn!
heud nrorcrzd nzy thesis or get into the mental space that the thesis required. Like Catherine. I
rrws an nclministt-ntor m d teacher. There were too many pressing problems thai needed
sol~rtions for the next day. For a period of time. I rose v e ~ early, went to the computer, and
g p d . A At-ietzd who had already graduated had told me that this was the way in rvhich she
made herself write. She had said. "Write. write anything." But I codd not force it. It roocttd
rzut cume. Like Catherine's thesis, mine rvas put on hold until I found the space and place. In
retrospecr. I wonder if it was prirely a matter of tny not having the mental space and physical
plrce. or nVn5 ir that I ~vas tzot yet read! to nvrite the thesis. that the gestatiotz period was nor yet
conzplute.
Entrv into the Profession
Catherine says that at one time she thought she became a teacher because teaching was a
traditional female career. She now believes that the reason was really far more sophisticated.
something more deeply meaningful. She feels her experience as a parent, in particular during
her children's formative years. influenced the development of her career. During this period
she stood for election to her school board five times and was elected three. Catherine refers to
her terms as trustee as times of making speeches and promises. She considers these terms of
trusteeship as unexpected periods of professional development which gave her opportunity to
view education from yet another perspective and increased her understanding of the education
system. She began to think about and question the limited opportunities. which existed for
teacher professional development. the possibilities for teacher ownership of their work. and the
provision of opportunity for teacher reflection. Professional reflection continues to be
important to Catherine and at our fxst meeting she requests copies of our interview tapes for
that purpose.
After entering the teaching profession Catherine began to view her purpose in life as larger than
anything she had met in teacher training. She credits a deep sense of responsibility as the
impetus pushing her towards graduate studies. She says her perception of, and commitment
to. education increased through the study of educational law and administration. Catherine sees
herself as serving two masters--her students and the students whom they will teach.
Choosing her graduate school was a difficult decision for Catherine, for it meant having to
move away from family and friends. She credits her broad experience in education and her
risk-t&ng ability with being instrumental in her appointment to the faculty position. Catherine
believes she can affect the experience of school students (children) through her work at the
Faculty (with adults). Children are her real clients. Because of this, when dealing with
problems in student placement. Catherine does not seek immediate. but rather long-term.
solutions which will benefit the students whom her pre-service teachers will teach. She
describes teaching as " . . . breathing and living with children . . . It is access to the children. a
direct encounter."
Catherine admits that an awareness of feminist issues has influenced her thinking. As she
comments upon her profession it becomes evident that she is a risk raker. She does not like to
be constrained.
Teaching has become much more demanding. It's a fairly seductive job, and it's easy
to succumb to its many demands. You can easiiy become routine. compliant and
accepting, or you can get a personal sense of power and responsibility. You can break
rules. You can push beyond the edges. As a teacher you can actually have much more
freedom than you think!
Catherine feels each teacher is an administrator but is educated only to implement the decisions
of others. It is not surprising then that. as an educator. Catherine continually looks for
alternatives to traditional methods of teacher education. To illustrate her point about freedom.
she shares the story of an elephant at the local zoo. "There are some elephants roaming. One.
however. is behind bars. The keeper is with him." Catherine asks the keeper. "Can't he push
through'!" "Yes!" answers the keeper. "but he doesn't know it. yet." Catherine continues.
"How much of life is really the illusion of the rope and bars? Teachers are kept at bay.
Esperience in the classroom can be limited."
I was not surprised. upon reading Catherine's thesis. to find that she uses an institutional
setting as a metaphor for the restraints which society imposes upon each of us. Nor was I
surprised that Catherine's thesis confirms the possibility of achieving persond transformation
despite imprisonment by society's imposed structures. In the end. I conclude that the narrative
unity of Catherine's life is one of pushing the edges. breaking down barriers. When Catherine
asks how much of life is illusion and bars, I think of the barriers through which we are
attempting to break as feminists and the role which illusion plays in our lives as women.
Catherine values research and sees herself as both teacher educator and researcher. Her many
research interests include the role of men as primary teachers.
Research values a set of skills . . . clarity of thinking. and gives a richness or a qudity
to teaching. The public is learning to value the profession of teaching and research and
recognize some of the contributions of good teachers. The conditions and contexts [of
our work at the faculty] are in competition with our being real teachers. You want to be
a good teacher, have research skills, and be recognized.
Catherine wants her student teachers to develop research skills. She is also a believer in taking
learning and teaching outside the confines of the classroom. She brings her students to public
institutions to conduct research. During one of my visits to her faculty Catherine's group was
planning a field trip to the farm. Her students were learning through experience.
Catherine compares her initial experience at the faculty to that of a frrst-year teacher. She
admits to feeling threatened and to going the route of trial and error. but adds that with "the
grace of God and supportive friends" she managed to survive. When Catherine was appointed C
to this position as teacher/educator a mentor was not officially assigned. but instead proved to
be "anyone who couId stop and share."
R es o n a n c e. Catherine ' s workload as administrutor/teacher reminds me of the workload I
CCI rrieci as vice-principalheacizer and curriculrm development committee member. This
workload required every ounce of energy and almost every waking hour. The duties and
responsibilities were e~zdless. I rinderstand wiz?~ Catherine's thesis remained rinfnished. There
wcls no time for writing. while carrying afrcll-time workload. There ~vos no time for self:
When Catherine mentions mentors, I rhink of rimes irz my career when a mentor happened
along to offerfi-iendship and guidance. I also think of rimes when 1 needed support and corrld
~zorfilzd it, par~icularly during m? most recent experience in adrninistrarion and teaching. It is
rl-rrr t k t Robert, the prirzcipnl, melttored me, but he could not be my nrentor when the situation
irzvolverl questioning the way in which he did certain things, or responded lo certain sitrratioi~s.
I needed someone. but there was no one. with the exception of a few classmates from OISE
who s~cpporred me through listening and responding from a distance. Catherine's e-rperience
with nzentoring was not rmique. I heard it expressed previously as I interviewed f a c ~ r l ~
rnenzbers during mother research inquip (1991-92).
Catherine's Iife as teacher-educator is hectic and leaves little time. if any. for social activities.
She implies that a decision to go out with friends. for the first time in six week. is taking her
away from something else. causing her to put it on hold. Catherine wonders if she is, by
example. sending a message to student teachers to work night and day in order to get their
work done.
:Maybe I'm a problem out there for the teaching profession. The teacher who works too
hard has too much expected of her. The teacher's role has become more and more
demanding. Is this a healthy model to promote?
Catherine's question makes me think of the teachers in my province, my experience of the
overwork and ever-increasing demands made upon their time. and the resultant decline in their
quality of life. Catherine is in a very different position from faculty women who live at home.
Living away from home allows Catherine to devote every waking hour to her work. during the
week. and sometimes on weekends. She is available at all times to students. I wonder what it
does to her to be away from her children?
R esorz clrz ce. I rrmruzber how drffer-ens it ~ ? n s to live in the academic milieu, geographicrrlly
dismncrclji-urn the responsibilin offn,nii~; how ir felt to parent reenagers and yortng adrclts
from cc disrccnce d~cring rnv ternzs in Harlow and tn? doctoral residency. I also remember how
di-amatically nty life changed when I returned to home and work and how my thesis, too, was
put on hold.
I wonder if Cclthe~ize experierzced tension l~heir i ~ t e r a t i g n i l and career. I also wonder
how7 the experience of living the dual role in nvo separate cities impacts upon her. How will her
l$e be drffererzt, ifat sorrrefi~trire time, she lives and works in the same ciry? Does Catherine
how a vcilid poiitt in questiorring the role model she presenrs to her st~cdent teachers P What do
jknrlties of ecilccntiorl present as the reality of teaching? How do they prepare student teachers
ro stccj \~,t.ll urzd to ochieve some sense oj-balance r ~ M e integratirzg the personaMprofessiond
aspects of their lives? I wonder how Catherine's absence affects her children's schooling, and
hei- hrcsbandk career? Does her absence affect the relationship of the children with their father
and with their mother? How does it affect Catherine's marriage? What does her absence do to
Ccrth e rirz e, tz ersel!
When asked how her own schooling has influenced her career. as teacher-educator. Catherine
says. "I am what I do. and what I am comes from where I have been. and how I understand
where I have been." She continues. "I've done well in school, been bored, noc done well.
pushed the edges."
During a recent reread of Catherine's thesis I hear the resonance of the ideas expressed in our
conversations with those of her thesis. There is a strong relationship between the purpose of
her thesis inquiry and the ideas on which she based her non-traditional teacher-education
program. Both her thesis and her teacher-education program explore relationships between
people and institutional restraints and the possibilities of breaking down barriers. When I ask
Catherine to speak of the field-based teacher-education program which she developed. and in
which she became administrator and teacher. she replies.
We left the institution. We broke through those walls. Taking the program out of the
institution and placing it in the school made everything different for me. In the new
setting. we were freed to learn. teach. and try things under new rules. we were]
unconstrained by the time frames and structures of the university and closer to the
structures of the school. The new setting permitted different relationships. Yet, the
institution came with us as an idea. I felt very accountable to the idea. and rightly so.
Ir was no small undertaking to remove teacher-education from the faculty building and bring it
to the school. Inherent in the superficial change of physical site were changes in thinking.
That was very important. When we talked about administration I used the word
"substance" but I don't know how many people understood the substance of what I
was trying to do there. There were some substantive values that I think were coming
out. I think that the [set ofl values I was operating on was one of the things that
captured my imagination in creating that [program] and for me that was a very creative
activity.
Catherine's modesty and sense of self as a female educator comes through when she says. "It
was an opportunity to create something. It was amazing because usually little people like me
don't get a chance to do that." Catherine never ceased to be amazed that she was given
permission by the faculty administration to implement this program. particularly in light of the
hierarchical structure of the university.
There was such an amazing mix, such a blending of people when the structures were
broken. Teachers were there [at the school site] and valued for what they could teach
other teachers. Coming out of the institutional walls, breaking through the walls. was a
very. very big thing for me. We took the program out of the walls of that traditional
institution with its hierarchy and people with labels. and we went into the school which
is also an institution.
But elementary schools aren ' t such strong and confining institutions. They are
[confining]. of course. but they [the walls] aren't as confining as university walls.
That made the school softer. The school-s a more permeable institution with the public.
with everyone. because we don't have rigorous confining categories in the same sense
[as we do at universities]. I t 3 more permeable within the [elementary school]
environment. But with a university going to [the elementary school setting] we can
soften it even more. We did something to that place, I think. There weren't walls [like
those at the university]; there were walls before in the school, but something more fluid
in a way. So in changing that [physical] structure [of the program] we were really
changing the structures of a lot of things. the means, the emotions. the relationships.
We were reall!. changing the structures and one of the things was the meanings of
people. With the programs. the university program. bounded in the way it is. even I
think in the school-based programs they have now. we still have too much of that. We
were lucky. It was a hardship at the time, but we were lucky [to be able to do what we
did].
R eso 11 a rz c e. I reflect 011 1 1 1 ~ experience of implementing crci-ricrtlar and other chaiz yes in
schools crrzcl rri?reinbur quite well how. ensilv priman teachers embrcrced chaizge in comparison
to teachers in the elrnze~l tar). school. There was a h v q s opportunity for more faithfir2
irnplementatiorz of change in the priman. grades. I rt*ondei- why the priman. sc/zool is more
jlrtid arzd t~zni-e open to change and inizovution? Could it be because of the integrated cpproach
to cnrricrtlurn Y is it beccl~tse priinan teachers are so ernotionall~ boruzd to tlze children tlzat they
ckr rzot rivuzr to box ti1ei7z in. to set lip the DouizC[((rie~ thcit label mcl resir-uiiz tilein? IJ- ir beccrrisr
i~nprovisatiorz is srich nn iinportcrnt part of o rvonteiz 's rvqv of lenrning and doing ?
In developing and implementing her field-based teacher-education program, Catherine was
caught in a very familiar story. that of the availability of too few resources to support her in her
efforts to faithfully implement change. This was true in both her teaching and administration.
At the offset Catherine did not even have an office from which to operate.
For the first two months I was a bag lady. 1 had no space. I was walking from the
school to the university with bags. I had no office. 1 had no desk. I was carrying
things with me constantly. It was hard to carry things on the local transportation
system. I was weary, until Thomas (a colleague) said. "I've got two offices. Use [one
of] mine." [To whch I replied]. "Thank you! Thank you!" And I eventually just took
over that [my colleague's] second office [the one located at the faculty building]. But
that [lack of space and other resources] was the cost [of being involved with the
program] . . . .That was a circumstance you had to put up with and say, "This is not an
obstacle. I will get the thing done." So you had to focus on what you were trying to
do [the program.] The difficulties were the prices that had to be paid.
It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I just had to do it. I had to try to do it. and keep
everything else together as best as I could, 1 couldn't not do it. It wouId never cross
my mind to not try-to let the opportunity pass. When it was there. I just knew this
had to be. It was like a calling. It was almost like a mission. you might say. but
mission sounds too messianic. and I don't mean it in that sense. but how could you
say. "No." to this'? I couldn't say, "No." to doing it. The possibilities of trying this
project were so great that it would have been a shame to not give it an honest effort.
The only thing [option] was to keep it together as much as I could. I was Like a satellite
in the centre of this with all these other things floating around me in an orbit. So
everything had to be kept in orbit. and I was living on this planet at this time.
Resorzance. WClerz Catherine speaks of having no ofice nnd being the bag-lady, I recall rn?.
first nvo years as admirzisrraror rrnd tendzer. I shard arz ofice \.~.lzich bras awifubk to rvep-otze
and used th r lzrrrse 's long, narrow, windowless room as a classroom. I remember h o ~ - this
Iack of professional space impacted upon me and also lzorry ir resrrained my teaching, and I
rvorzder- if ir affected Catherine's teaching and her seFconcept. Wzen she talks aborrt living as
~1 wrrellirr rl.ithi)~ cuz orbit. I think back ro the orbit ofnz?. mot?~er's j~lggling, both of oranges
CMLI I(/k. mdJ>orn the/-e lo the j~tggling ~t'lzich ~ v ~ m e ~ z do to integrate jbnrily a d career.
Catherine goes on to speak about the many planets which spun round her in that orbit
. . . the graduate school, the student one [orbit], and the doctorate. I had to keep all
those wolves at bay--where people were ripping at me. [saying], "You'll never get
finished. this. or that." And also knowing [that] while I was giving attention to this
and picking up in that area. I wasn't putting in more time reading or writing or on some
other task. That was the price I had to pay. That was what I had to cope with. I had to
keep at attention, never letting any of the pieces leave the orbit. So keeping that intent.
1 just had to live with that ambiguity. that strain. that stress. because I couldn't do them
all at the same time. I didn't know how.
The program became part of every decision that Catherine made at that point in her life. When
I suggest that her life revolved around the program. she has some difficulty with my
suggestion. and asks herself why. finally deciding that to admit to this would be like saying
she herself revolved around work. She concludes
A very important thing came into my being and it had to fit in. This is who you are and
now this new thing comes in which is a very demanding thing. It has to come in and
find its place within you. But it also sort of taps into something more of who you are
that wasn't there before. So this new thing has to find the place where it fits into the
scheme that was already there. It has to push this over here and that over there. until it
takes its place. But because it is a new thing coming in, it has [to have] focus. It has to
come in and adapt, and so it has to take your focus. It's like a foreign body invading
you and a l I your white blood cells circle around and saying. "Is this an enemy or not'?"
So it certainly was the focus of my attention. but I react against saying it ran my life. In
some respects it did. because your focus is there. but saying that this ran my life is like
saying that's who I am. and that's not so. because it tapped into something of me. and I
gave it the power to do that.
When I ask Catherine how. or if. she nurtured herself. she says
I just did it. If I could characterize the way I protected anything. or keep such sanity as
I had in it -- although I was not conscious of what I was doing. it wasn't a plan-- the
way 1 protect a little bit of me, is that it was [is] very hard to force me into a social
commitment. I never wanted to make a commitment. even more than five minutes in
advance. because I never knew how much freedom I had, what I had to do. and. if I
had the space. if that would be what I wanted to do at that time. or if I would feel up to
it. I really resisted commitments and [because of this] people saw me as disorganized,
but emotionally that was the only space, that was the [only] freedom I had. not to
commit to anyone, or else to break a commitment if I made it. Because if I made a
commitment for ten o'clock next Tuesday. what if when ten o'clock came I was too
tired. I didn't feel like it. I wasn't interested. then. or had some new responsibility:' So
how could I make a commitment for ten o'clock next Tuesday? I didn't h o w what ten
o'clock next Tuesday was going to bring.
There were times I did commit in advance. of course. because it was demanded of me.
I had to. It was my job. There was a meeting I had to attend. an expectation; therefore
it wasn't a choice. I didn't have the freedom to say "No". So where there was a
choice. something that was [within] my range. that's how it came out--refusing social
commitments- Someone would say. "Let's do this." and I'd say. "Maybe."
Even [when it came to] going home or catching the bus, I had a very rough time doing
that because I did not know where I would be at that time. There was just too much to
do--too much that was expected from too many places. So I think if I'm in a very
structured situation. I have to balance it out by finding some personal time or choices I
can make. I do it by not making commitments in advance and by not being highly
structured personally. so 1 can create spaces at the last minure.
The concept for the new program was introduced by a colleague who had adrninisuative
responsibility. "At an intuitive level he did [understand the program as I envisioned it]. but I
don't know if conceptually [he understood] it [as I understood it]." When I inquire as to
whether or not she received any credit for her field-based program at the faculty she replies. "I
think so. I think I developed a reputation. I think I even earned the respect of some people
because of the accornplishrnents." She continues
[The program] could take my time and attention because I gave it the power to do that
because it was--it became important. I needed it. too. so I had to bring it into my body.
Resonance. Catherine's s t o y of lack of resources to implement the new program ar the
facrilg brings nre back to my own experience in the school Vstem. Teachers, too, are expected
ro impler?zent tvithont resorrrces. lo improvise in the face of resrmint. Does this happen only
rvlzen nqor?zerr are the teachers/projessors or is this a factor where men also teach ? Hotv do men
respotzd r o srrclz sitricrriotzs? Do r h q improvise and spend hours nzakiizg materials? Lack of
I-esortt-crsjut- rzerr* pt-ogt-mzs ~zzrtkes tne qrtestiorz tlze irrtetzt arzd inregrig of the udmi~~istm~iorzs
~ ~ h i c h approve these new programs. Are administrators giving only lip service to progranlrning
rrhen the! approve programs. rrehich require srich buckbreaking effort, and refiise so Bind
them ? Hou. seriously are the teac/zer/pro fessor implemerzters of these programs taken ?
CVhx clu fiutltirs. school bocirds. and ministries of edriccition allow teachers and professors to
rraz thenzselves rcigged in order to implernerzt programs which are not properly frrnded? Do
these instit~rtions value their employees? What thought is given to the well-being of the teachers
and professors who implement new programs for which there are no resources? Why should
h v s revolve around programs ? I s it necessa~? I f the proper resources hnd been in place
\t~orrld Catlzerine have been able to have some time to fupll personal needs? Would she have
lzad u lif2 orrtside the jacu l~? IVhy did Cutheritze 's luck of resormes not dampen her
rrrdzrisksr~~ ? What rnccde her give eventhing to mcrke r k program srrccessfrd ?
It2 rrzy last position there was one secretan. in a school of six- hrmdred children and thiryjbrir
tecrchers. The sect-etan spent a great part of her dav corozting rzroney collected forfleld trips.
hrrzclres, recess. and sripplies. and responding to those who telephoned or came to the ofice.
She did ttor have time to tuke care of con-espo~zdetzce and other brisitzess. The tiwe of'tlze
pritzcipcrl and vice-principal dzerefore went rvzprofrcteii cmd was ofien rtsecl for taking care of
tasks which tlze secretary was rinable to do beca~ise of her workload. This is not meant to be
disrespectjkl to the secretan*. for it rvas impossible to do her work in the allotred time. Her
bookkecpi~zg rrcrs eiorze at /zonze each everzirzg and on u.eeketzds. Whtrt message is Carherim
sending her pi-e-senice students? Where is her example of wellness--of nurturing both the
persorzd and pr-ofessiorznl sides of her- sey? Catherirze tcrked of giving the prograrn the power
to take all her- tirne nrzd attention. Why did she do that? H O t v do we as women make such
dzoices :'
Catherine's thesis is what she is about--breaking down the traditional barriers which restrain
her. at home. or at the faculty. I look at her risk-taking ability and value it. yet she calls herself
a little person. Where did Catherine acquire this self-concept? How is it reinforced'? What is her
embodied knowledge of self?
When I ask Catherine about life in her adopted city during doctoral studies she feels
uncomfortable with that question and goes on to describe herself as dedicated. She goes back
to taking about the program. It was not only office space. which Catherine lacked. "We didn't
even have a classroom- That was great as far as I was concerned and the students were great as
far as going along with it." Lack of resources did not dampen Catherine's enthusiasm for her
belief in what she was doing. She was implementing a radical change to her faculty's
traditional model of teacher education. She considered that this change allowed learning
previously denied by the boundaries of the faculty-contained programs. Reflecting back upon
that first year of the program she says
Something truly magical happened that year. What we were doing [with changing the
site] was also changing the structures of knowledge and the boundaries of it, the looks
of it. the containers. Everything was going on there. You could walk into the staff
room and there was learning going on. Even if that teacher was only walking in to give
us a look and say, "Oh. my God, you are in our staff room!" You don't get that in a
course outline. A student could be in a classroom and say. "This just happened in a
class I had." and we could--on the spot--say. 'Gee. I wonder if we went over to talk to
her [the teacher] would she consider coming over and talking to the whole class about
that?' That was possible. If we were at the university and we went back [after being in
the school] and talked as we do now and said. "What did you see in your class?" and
say. "We saw this and that.'' Okay. That's it. It's an abstraction out there. It has not a
lot of form. not a lot of life. And you might say. "r wonder if that person would come
and do a seminar for us?'' But [it's not the same]. we've lost the Life [of the situation].
In Catherine's opinion, moving teacher training beyond the confines of the faculty building to
the context of the school changed learning from a theory-based activity to one based in the
experience of living theory through practice within the school and on the professional
landscape. It validated and enhanced the worth of practice. thereby confirming the importance
of teachers. their personal practical knowledge. and the professional knowledge landscape
(Connelly and Clandinin. 1995). Catherine's field-based teacher-education program bridged
the gap between theory and practice.
We were right there in the middle of life. It was so alive and so dynamic--for me.
anyway. Pm of the structure of change is about who had the Legitimacy, who had the
knowledge. We opened up the question of legitimacy. We couldn't say. 'This is it.
It's in this box. This is only what's legitimate knowing.' Now. it was all open to being
legitimate. It was all about respecting the 'little' people. Who is important and who
isn't'? The teachers are doing their job in the cfassroom, keeping the ship going. But
'the bosses' are out there telling them what to do and the teachers are adjusting. I have
a problem with that. I question whether teachers should be viewed only as
implementers of others' ideas. The knowledge that teachers develop from their practice
must be valued.
My job in the university is structured so that I (supposedly) have time to study
something that the teacher teaching in the classroom doesn't have time for. So the way I
think about it. is that time is pretty important here. We should complement each other.
My work life is structured in this way to allow me to study. Teachers' work lives are
structured so they can practice. They have something I need and I can't have. and vice-
versa. I suspect. S o if we work together we can complement each other. But we were
in two little boxes that were our separate institutional structures. In that [sc hool-based]
situation. it was all mixed up-which made it hard to know what we redly had. That
can make for a Iot of insecurity and uncertainty and if it was just us it would have been
okay. But then there was this outside force which I always felt accountable to. So I
always felt I was being buffered between the two. and it was sifting through me. Like
miners do with the sand to find the gold. I had to keep letting it sift through me so the
gold would stay there. but 1 was that person through which the pressure was flowing. C
Rrsoncrtzce. Ccr tlzerin e 's r vo rds stir within me memories and emotions associated with I ny
almostfive years as teacher/administrator where I was the b~iffer between o disgnlntled staff
and an iitzrrnn~ed arzd urzrvelcome principal, q i n g to bring the nvo together, tqing to find
\tn?.s rL.r could all rvork together. complementi~lg each other as rcr did so. T k stress ~vcls
itlcredible. I was the go-between. There was policy to be filtered ro teachers. There were
tmcI1r1- reactions to be filrered to the principccl attd board. I rvas the mediator and negotiator.
Like Catherine. I felt tile problems of each filtered tlzrorigh me.
During the teaching and administration of her field-based program Catherine felt
. . . great responsibility. What we were doing was important. For it to be successful.
it mattered a lot what I did. I didn't want it [the program] to fall apart because of me. I
didn't want it to be less because of me. and I didn't want others to suffer because of
me. So I felt a terrible burden of responsibility.
En an attempt to find out how Catherine felt in the middIe of all this I ask,
How did it play itself out in your life. your everyday life. in the overall? In this big
picture of who you are and all the many people you are and all the roles and
responsibilities that you have. Did you feel like you were tom in different directions?
Inside where you tick? How did you deal with it?
Catherine replies. "I'm hearing the words, but I'm trying to feel what it's really about." I go
on to ask about her inner feelings. "At the core of your very being. where the sense of who
you are is. did you feel tom? Did you sometimes wonder. "How am I going to make all this
[happen]? Am I ever going to get it [all] done?'and she answers. "Constantly [torn in
different directions]," but nevertheless
It was [an] exhilarating [experience] because it was an amazing opportunity to create
something. It was exhilarating because I knew it was an important thing. I think that
when it was starting. when Thomas proposed it [for me]. he understood that. He was
doing something pra,matic. But I saw in that something more because I didn't think he
was only being pragmatic. Maybe I'm wrong. I think he began to see something more
in the project. but I knew it was important. was exciting. and was exhausting.
It seems that there was a certain price to be paid for being developer. administrator. and teacher
in this leading-edge program. There was the living away from her family during the week and
her sometimes weekend absence from her home because of work commitments. There was the
physical effort of carrying her office with her between her faculty building and the school
which housed her program during the first few months. There was also the lack of time for
se 1 f.
C h a n ~ i n Faculties
Catherine eventually completed her thesis and, a year later. was appointed to a tenure-track
position. but not at the faculty which she put in the forefront of teacher education with her non-
traditional program. I ask if it was difficult to go into what she considers to be h s more
structured position. after having had the freedom of the previous one. "What did you have to
do to yourself. What compromises did you have to make as Catherine. the innovator. the
person who made this field-based program a reality at another university? What happened
when you changed faculties?"
Well. at first it wasn't so hard. but it's getting harder now because I'm feeling
confined. We have a very structured program. At first when I moved back here. I
adjusted to the city. family. people around me. family obligations, the new job. the new
workplace, and people I had to learn about. So there was a lot to occupy me. And this
is a very structured town. structured university. and structured program. It was a relief
at first. I could slow down. It was more orderly- We work hard, but not like I
worked when I was doing that [field-based program], not even close. So at first it was
a relief. It was a rest because my attention could go to very basic things. It was a place
to be.
[Now] I would like more opportunity to stretch. There is not much opportunity to
stretch in this [position]. I may be wrong. Some people think there is. but I don't.
right now. But then [at first] I knew I was also stretching because I took a new course
[to teach]. I had to read a whole new body of literature because when I went to do the
doctorate I did it in administration and that was a whole new body [then]. When I went
to do the job at the faculty that was another whole new area. I researched teacher
education and became a teacher-education scholar. So I attempted to pick up the
background Literature in administration and then I picked up teacher education. felt i t
was my obligation to know what I was talking about. I put the program together. [It]
had to be based on something reasoned, so I put a lot of effort into that. Then when I
came here. I started teaching a course in [another area of my discipline] so I immersed
myself in picking up yet another whole new body of literature. I collected these things
[bodies of literature. areas of education] and I'm now I'm not sure what to say my area
of research is. I'm not sure of my expertise. I'm not sure how I should label who I
am. I'm not sure if I have an area of expertise. I know I have more than the average
knowledge in three areas at least. I fell into these things and picked them up along the
way. So there was never a direct path. I was son of in there. winding my way along.
Catherine's experience in moving from an institution in which she was given freedom to one.
which restrained her. reminds me of my experience of moving from the supportive community
of the JCTD to a hierarchically structured school board system. I am also struck by
Catherine's modesty and use of words such as "picking them up along the way" when she
refers to how she came to know the Iiterature in a number of different areas. Her choice of
words trivializes her efforts. Catherine does not appear confident in her knowing of herself
and her area of expertise. Why does she have such self-doubt'? Is this characteristic of
successful women?
R eso na 12 c e. Even I I O N : nzore tlzntz five yecu-s later, 1 get upset rvlzen I dzink of arz experience
to u*hi~/I I LVUS subjected ilz the fall of I992 slzor-rlj c~fter moving into my posiriotz as
traclte~hdnzirzisrrato~-. The school stajf had determined the need for a professional developmrnt
day. The date mzd topic had beer1 decided Lcpon. and pentzissiort hud to be requested from the
ScltooZ B o n d There \\.as o particular protocol to be follo,ved in reqrtesting school closwe for
the prlrpose of professional de veloprnent, and requests were to be made at least seven weeks in
ctdvarzce. Since there were only seven week renzairzi~zg before our selected date, I wrote and
deli~w-ed the letter irnmedicrrely- Before doing so. I read the Administration Manual and
conferred rt+th the Principal and an Assistant S~iperintendent at the Board office. I bzerv what
to do and did it, satisfied thar I had acted according to protocol.
When to wrr request did not appear as q~licX-l! as expected the principal telephorzed the board
ofice. onb* to be told that there kvas a problenz. Shortly afier. a letterfrom the Deprr~
Assistrrrzt clrrivrdjor the pri~zcipal, tellirzg him what was rrvrorzg \t.itiz the request, and stcltirz y
that ;he vice-principal had no authority to sign such a request, in fact, any correspondence sent
to the Board office. In my opiniorz, the Depug Assistant's lener was quite curt and nasg. I
corild not rrnderstand rvhy the principal was being reprimanded when I had sent the letter.
Neither did 1 rirzderstmd the Deputy's reaction. I felt that he had taken n ve? hea~yhanded
czpp I-otrci~ to rhe matter.
I had just returnedj-om a two-year period at the JCTD and was expecting to find, within my
School Board. the same sense of collegiaiity and comnzunity that 1 had enjoyed at the Centre.
It2 m y new-jbrtnd nssertiveness and enthusiasm for fairness and eqtialiq I took it upon myself'
ro I-espot ld to the Depng Assistant ' s letrer. I addressed the issues of protocol and finished bv
st~rtirzg tltar I had just retrrmedfrorn the JCTD \&.here people treated each other with respect and
I hoped tizat crrzyfrltirre cornrminication with him bcould be oj*a inrich more pleasant nature. I
had asked the principal to check the letter for insubordination. He did, and in his opinion there
was notze. The tone of m y Zener was not confrontationnl. at least in my opinion and in the
opirziorzs @those rvho had read it for me.
Em-!\. one mot7zirzg, shortl~. ufiei- sending the letter, I w m srino72oned to the D e p ~ t c
Superirzterrderzt ' s ofice. The Assistant Superintenderzt responsible for our particular school
EL^ with me. The Deput;v sat across from me, distanced by his large wooden desk, and went
into a foc - f i ve rnilzctte. nun-stop tirade- I timed lrirn. When he finally stopped, the Assistant,
seated Izest to me, in lzis gentlemarzly, soft-spoken tone, oflered to assist me in preparing my
~rrxt PD request- I rms reeling still front thr shock oj'tlte Deprth's behaviortr, but I tlzunked
the Assistcurt, arzd told him I was rzot prepcrt-ed to er7en discuss arry fiitrire reqrlest rintil I Izad
spokerz to tlze comments to rvhiclz I had been snbjected. I made In?. reply said good morni~zg,
and left-
Later. tltere wcls a cotlferrrzcr cull that was to involve the same nvo men. the principal, and me.
0)z the crppoirzted da), the principal had to sncpenise licnch d i c ~ , and I was left to take the call.
done- The Depue Srcperinterzdent and the Assistant were using the conference line at the
Board ofice. When the conversntion was over, and they thoright the disconnection had taken
place, I heard the D e p u ~ rent ark to the Assistant " You were rnrzch too e u q on her, Tom. " I
replied, "Is anvbod-v there ? " I wanted them to hzokr? I had heard their comments. In time. the
PD went rthectd and was given e-rcellent evaluations by staff members and the Board
prrson~zel ~.r.lzo attended. This bvas nor the end of the issrre.
At dte end of tlze school year I was considering applying for a position as principal and
wondered if the Board rvortld consider someone who had only spent one year in theit- entploy
as lice pt-irzcipal- Afret- the Grade Six Recogrzitiort Cerernon_r. in June, I spoke with the worrzarz
principal of orle of the largest schools in our system and asked her advice on applying for the
positiort. Size asked if I Xnetr* anyone at the Board t ~ h o could speak to m y ~pplication. I really
did not. I told her- about the incident with the Deprre S~rperintendent. She told me thcrt. in her
opinion, it was too bud tlzat I had rrrrz into probletns with the Depun Assistant. for in doing so
I Itad forjCeiteed any chance which I may have had of becoming prirzcipnl. I t was a rather hard
bry,. to realize that u slzifr irt professiond krzo\t?le~l~qe kmdscizpes ccrn pt-oforozr&. affect
career path. Wzat is valued in one landscape milieu can lend to trouble on another.
Pt-ujessiot~il kiloti+edge lundsc~~pes can be ven, politicd places.
TNYI years ago. I nrrerlded this man 's retirement pa-, not because I chose to go but becuicse l
felt my sdrool shorcld be rept-esertted, and the principal had chosen not to go. I could not shake
his hand. Wlterz I recertrly snrr him at ii reception following a friend's mrrsic reciral. I avoided
him. Did he notice? Did he n-onder why? Could lze remember that morning when he harassed
r ~ z e uct-oss his desk in f i-mi of his Assistmzt ? Was he m a r e of the aggression he had
displqwl 1' Did 12~' dixplciy sinzilm- clggressiotz towurds rnen ? I regret not having reported Izitlz to
his superior. Bur then horr could I have done so ? He and the Superintendent were related At
the pare I could tzot speak to him for he had killed my spirit when he harassed me across his
desk five years ago. At this point in time. I regret that I did not seek co~cnselfiom the Teachers'
Associntiotl. In all rnv e a r s of teaching he was the one person rvho treated me in such a
mcinrzo- cmcl ,tho made me feel powerless. HOW do we keep men in power from treating us in
this Lt-a!.' Wh~lt t-ecoLu-se do \tee have P
Catherine tells me about her need to stretch, describing it as a need to
. . . try things. take some risks. try doing some things in different ways. push the
edges. break through the walls. again. It's so traditional that the teacher is the mentor.
the supervisor. And I'm bringing some practitioners in to teach the courses. but it's nor
the same.
When I ask how she feels about the lack of opportunity to stretch and whether, or not, she
attempts to initiate change at faculty meetings and how she feels inside about this Catherine
says
I sometimes say things. [make] suggestions. here and there, but very careful ones.
People there are pretty committed to what they are doing. You have to watch the
powerful people. I was told in my first year to keep my mouth shut and not to criticize
the program. [This] was by a particular person who has some influence and can be
difficult. 1 thought, "Holy Toledo!" But I had so many other things to be concerned
about. I couldn't overreact to that- doing what we do. which is to get along in life.
Keep it all together. Do what you can. Find the openings. Hang on. Keep it together.
But in the meantime I was given some tasks. Iike the new teacher on the bIock. a
program to take on. which was rather a difficult task and I flew with it.
I found that as my opening to create, to try some stuff. whatever, and little by little.
chipping away. doing some stuff, things were changing here and there. The difference
between [that] and saying. "We have this. let's attack it!" If you can't do that it's there.
and it gets chipped away at here and there. After a while it evolves and you see that you
can [do it] and in the meantime you are coping, doing what you have to do. You have
to get through. have to survive. Do what you have to do. Keep it together. And when
there is a chance you do what you can.
Catherine's present position allows her to live at home. Consequently her life is very different.
For the first time in eight years she is faced with merging both family and career commitments
each day of the week and in the same community. In her previous position she was separated
from home by a two to three hour commute. iinked only with the telephone. Now she resides
where she is easily accessible to family and career.
[ wonder if Catherine experiences difficulties similar to those which I experienced after my
Ph.D. residency. when I returned home to work and finish my thesis. At home. 1 was more
easily accessible to family and career responsibilities. I felt removed from the university
milieu. from the conversation. presentations. and papers which kept me in the midst of
academic work. I thought this was an important factor. Catherine could not write her thesis
even while in the university milieu. Was this because she was both administrator and teacher
of her program and there was no time to write? Some time later Catherine told me that she felt
her thesis had not been completed because her life was not in order. There was nowhere to go
after. I think of my unfinished thesis and wonder if exploration would find related reasons?
Where do we go after Ph.D. studies? Do we go back as one of my friends did to teaching
Grade Five. despite the fact that no one at her school board had studied at the Ph-D. level?
How was Catherine able to handle family and career while they were separated by hundreds of
miles? How did she parent from such a distance? How did distance affect what she could and
could not do with her children? What did she miss in the lives of her children? What did they
miss'? How did this affect Catherine? What is it like to be home? Does she experience
conflicts teaching in her hometown which she did not experience when teaching away from
home. and vice-versa'?
When I ask if she gets the same sense of fulfillment from her present position as from the
previous she answers. "No. because when we were doing that program. there was most
definitely --there were the possibilities. you know.'' She remembers the exhilaration. the
imagination.
It was all-possible. There's no feeling like that except when you are malclng something
new. We are not making things new, but then. we are creating something. You are
always creating something, but it's not always a whole new thing so it's creating within
whatever limitations are established there. So whenever you are meeting with a student.
whenever you are establishing a relationship with students, there's always that creative
[aspect]. There's always the personal satisfaction that comes out of the relationship of
knowing someone. learning something new. It's a wonderful profession, but this is a
very different [situation] from giving someone a call and saying, "Here. make
something." with just baseline requirements. "Here's the ground floor. The rest of the
building can be anything you want it to be." It's a very different kind of an opportunity
to make something than when you say. "Here's the box. You can sort of work within
the box."
When I ask Catherine where she hopes to go in her career she replies.
I don't have hopes to go anywhere. I don't think I think about hopes very much. I
don't know that I've planned anything else. . . . No [I don't plan goals]. I think I'd like
to be a full professor. [That] will require a hell of a lot--great amount of writing.
Catherine does not like to repeatedly write about the sarne research and compares that to using
the same pattern to make a number of dresses from different materials. After writing about
something once or twice she feels the need to go on to something new.
I don't h o w if 1 can do it alone. I don't know if I have it in me. I think I'd like to
retire a full professor. Is that possible? I'd have to really . . . the equivalent of
cracking my backside. I did that, pulling off that [innovative] program. I'd have to do
[it] in a different arena. And at this point. 1 don't know if I'm at that place where 1 have
the confidence. the imagination for writing that way. whatever it takes to do that.
because I have to pull out this other part of me and make it prominent. whereas the
practitioner part of me is [the] prominent part [now]. I think I would like that because it
would make me legitimate. It's makins my ideas and the things I say more creditable.
I think that would matter. Someone important says something: people jump and do it.
Somebody unimportant says the sarne thing and it's nothing. There are things I don't
like out there: things I think should be corrected and as long as you're the littie person it
doesn't matter what you think. It's the reason for having power or for being
recognized. It gives legitimacy to your ideas, not just for your sake but for the things
you can do that are important.
Catherine spoke about the pro, oram.
For example. that one group of students wouldn't have been-[they] were not accepted
into the program at first. and then they were admitted--none of those people would have
been teachers that fall. Maybe they would have been eventually. but the new pro, *ram
created an opportunity for people who deserved the opportunity and who could also
make a contribution one day. That was a very remarkable feeling for me to know that I
made something possible for those students. It's like giving birth. in a sense. to create
something. Wonderful to know you could give that life. It was a most important year
for Sandra. [a mutual friend]. She was in a crisis situation. It was all the more
important that she become certified and get a job that year. I didn't do it. but I helped
set it up. I was there to keep things going. To know that the program was a vehicle
from which people could jump and fly was a wonderful thing. It was a privilege. It
was an exciting thing to do. They became teachers and they are doing good things.
They can get on with their lives. I'm doing the same thing now. it in a small arena. and
not so dramatically. not so creatively. bur what I do now--I'm helping people get on
with their lives and make their own contribution.
There is a strong nurturing or supportive element that is a wonderful opportunity for
privilege in life. It's very important and yet I think it's not regarded as very important.
It seems in the university. even in the faculty of education. grad people think they're
doing more important work than what we're doing [as pre-service teacher educators].
They don't see that what we're doing is actually very intellectual. Our work doesn't
have all the auras about it. It's like the equivalent [or the comparison] of the elementary
school to university. One is regarded highly because it has all the trappings and is
therefore more important. I think that being full professor. being in a position of
status. and having some power is very useful for it can help to have your ideas taken
more seriously. It gives a legitimacy to everyone else [in the program]. roo.
E x ~ i o r i n ~ - the Tensions
Over coffee and toast one morning recently I remind Catherine that I am interested in exploring
the tensions and splits which she experienced during the integration of personal and
professional life. Where are the stories of the tensions which she experienced in being away
from her Carnil y during those teenage years?
Catherine is also interested. "I am interested because I was living [while working at my
previous faculty] in two different places." Catherine was living, indeed. in two different
physical locations: her life at home separated from her life at work by a three-hour drive. I
cannot help but wonder if that distance might be other than the physical distance. so easily
shown on a map as the distance between the two cities in which she lived. How did this
distance play out in her nurturing of family. students, and self?
There are some strains in my personal home life. and then there are business strains in
the sense of professional strains our in the working group. Somebody said something
to me. not too long aso. which strikes me as relevant now, but I would not have seen ir
that way at the time. They said that. because I was living away from home. I didn't
have the responsibilities of home and that made my work easier. But that's not so
because I always carried home with me at all times. It could be lunchtime. and there
could just be a moment that [thoughts of home] sneak in. When you talk about this. it
is hard work to retrieve the experience. because I got through by putting stuff back [In
my mind] somewhere: you just do what you have to do.
-'Putting the stuff back somewhere" was like filing the information away. in another drawer. at
the back of the room and. as Catherine says. "Then you have to go and find it to be able to talk
about it-"
The fact that Catherine worked in another city was sometimes a plus for her children for she
could take them and their friends to the sports facilities. She felt good about
Going to the Sportsgarden. I could make a big "to do" about it. They brought
neighbourhood friends. That sticks out in my mind. E don't know if it would be in the
kids' [minds]. but that was an extraordinary event. It was almost like a reward for my
being away. It was something that wouldn't have happened otherwise. There were. of
course. all sons of things going on. Life was complicated. Using words like "conflicts"
and "tensions" doesn't quite capture it because words. abstractions, and ideas don't
really represent a feeling. It's the way you are. Your kids are there. you are thinking
about your kids. To try to use a word for it seems to trivialize it because it's not an
idea: it's not an abstraction. It's your being. It's like talking to somebody about not
breathing for a while. How do you talk about that? Of course there was a conflict. but
it is more than a conflict.
I suggest that it must have been like holding her breath while she was gone. and ask if her
children were ill while she was away from home?
Yes. I learned that there was one time they were sick. they were all throwing up and I
think Doug's hands were very full. It was one night [after Catherine had left to go back
to the faculty]. fl learned about it] much later when Doug was talking about [it]--he
didn't call to tell me at the time.
I wondered what would have happened if the children had taken sick before Catherine Ieft.
When I ask if she was ever tom between staying at home and returning to the university town
after spending the weekend at home, she replied.
I don't remember specific times. But I used to stall a lot when leaving and everybody
thought I was disorganized, But emotionally it was hard to tear away and make the
commitment to walk out the door again. But I don't really remember any specific times
with that kind of incident. There was a fair amount of juggling time--opportunity to
juggle. Everyone has to do that. With us. we have some latitude which I am grateful
for. I can't remember anything in particular right now. but a comment. made to me a
few weeks ago. has been playing on my mind.
1 was talking about all the work there is to do and someone said it [my concern] was
"mornism". It's been playing on my mind but I haven't pursued it with the person yet.
But I jumped at that comment. It seems to take away from the professional sense that
one has. All the time that I am working I am working for something. for something
greater than I am. I thnk that's my sense of professionalism. You have to do it the
way it has to be done, and the way you feel it has to be done because it's important.
It's not just a job. doing just what you have to. It's just how you do it. because it's an
important task and you have to do it right. as best as you can. as completely. If you
don't. you're not doing it justice, and that to me is the professional sense. It's not
about a student relying on someone else like a mom. I found that a strange comment.
I've got to think about it, is there a "dadism" in the whole play?
To me the sense of professionalism is very strong in doing my work and doing the
work well now. I feel as though my students in teacher education are not the focus of
what I am doing. I am working for the students they will teach. so it goes beyond the
now. It reaches well into the future. I hate to say the fumre because it sounds tacky.
But I tell my students, "In some sense I don't care about you." Obviously I care about
them. but. my focus. my orientation. my responsibility to anybody. is the children they
will teach. If I am dealing with the person before me. who I know wants to be a teacher
and is struggling. and is maybe not so good at it. or maybe having some problems. I do
my best to help them be successful. But I am not doing it for them. I am doing it for
the people they will teach. They (the students in the present) are the ones in front of me
who might get what they want immediately. but it isn't about them, redly. When I went
to work. when I went to my job. when I did what I had to do. it was--sort of took my
being-- the other part of me. the professional part that said it couldn't be otherwise.
I couldn't not do my job because I had concerns at home or because I was sentimental
about home: I just had to put those feelings aside. There was no choice about it. You
can't worry about it. You can't think about it. You just have to do it because that's the
one way you can be. You can't have self-respect or personal or professional integrity if
you are whining about your work. when you are at home or whining about your home
when you are at work. You've got to know what your calls are and respond to the calls
properly.
I think of the many teachers 1 know who are going through such difficult times both at home
and at school during these times of economic restraint and wonder how they survive without a
supportive colleague at work or partner or family member at home. I think of my own former
position of teaching and administration and ask Catherine whom she was serving in the
administration and the teaching and she replied
It was really important to know what was supposed to be. what the expectations were,
what the principles were in the program. where people would get excited about the
program and think about its possibility. I was the one who had to answer questions. I
was involved in seeing that the program stayed alive. Most of the time I was working
all day and all night. I spent a lot of time talking to people. [Similar to] what you are
doing. So there was no privacy in it. It was making it up as we went: learning as we
went. Taking on more things than we wouid normally take on. The kids were just
somehow okay. But then. you are doing this [making your choices] in front of your
peers and outsiders. and that's who might be looking over what you were doing. It
was as though there was a big and varied audience.
When I ask Catherine if there was ever any stress created by what she wanted to do and what
she was allowed to do in the program she answers in the affirmative. "Oh, yes, because I felt.
maybe it wasn't necessary. but I did feel accountable to the institution."
When I comment that she certainly managed to implement a very successful program and
remain accountable to the institution she asks.
How good a mother or companion was I? You were asking earlier, "'When do we get a
chance to live?" Maybe I didn't do anything really well because I was trying to do it
all. Maybe I did it as well as it could be done.
When I remind her that I think she did exceptionally well she says.
Obviously I wasn't home with my family. I spent most of my time away. I would call
home frequently and try to deal with it [being away from my family] that way. My
daughter would call me sometimes if she had problems at home. That's not good. But
that's just how it was. People go overseas to work because they have a job. Lots of
people have jobs that take them away. That's the way life is. You do what you have to
do.
As a Newfoundlander. it is my experience that men very often fall into the role of having to
find employment away from home and when this happens nobody even questions it. It is
accepted and rarely criticized. I wonder what happens when a woman is the one to go away. I
ask Catherine what reaction she received from family. parents, and friends, and how they
viewed what she was doing and if. indeed. they ever let her know. She spoke about it. but
was a little hesitant about my including her remarks in this story.
I don't know if I want this on there [on the tape]. At first my mother-in-law did this
whole thing about how she was going to take the kids to live with her because what I
was doing was so awful. I'm sure my mother and father didn't really understand what
I was doing. However. they are always very supportive and stuck with us. My
mother would send food over to the kids and Doug and help them out. They kept
wondering when this was going to be over. They just didn't understand it. My mother
would always ask. "What are you doing thereb? When is it going to be over'?" All that
kind of stuff. So there were those pressures because you knew people are waiting for
this "illness" to be done but there is also still support.
I never had any doubts that my parents loved me or would stick beside me. There was
no problem in that sense. But there was some psychological and emotional strain
because I had doubts. too: so when people had doubts. or caused me difficulties. that
just rubbed it in and made it all the harder. There were some difficulties with particular
friends. There was some talk and that kind of thing. Some people said things like.
"Oh, how can you do this to your husband?" I'm no longer close friends with some
people. Somehow relationships broke up. I started to think afterwards that a lot of
relationships or friendships are based on you being the way people need you to be with
them. Then. when you change. the rehionship goes because it is not filling their
needs. We have one couple. friends. who are still our best friends. I would say they
stuck through all of that. They are the ones who have remained for one reason or
another from that group or collection of people that 1 no lon, *er see.
We don't have much of a social Life. Before [doctoral studies] I entertained quite often.
especially when I didn't have a job outside the borne. I'd often have people come over
for a meal. on the spur of the moment. I used to love to have people coming over. but
we don't do any of that anymore because that rhythm has been broken. So that
certainly went. the social life with couples. that community life all went. I reestablished
a little bit in that other world [of doctoral studies and teaching]. but it was different
because it wasn't part of the home world. either. There was confusion. in a way, as to
who I was.
At one point there was an expectation that a book would be written about Catherine's field-
based program. I remember being in the company of a former colleague of hers who was very
interested in writing that book. I felt that he should have been consulting with Catherine and.
when I mentioned that, he assured me he would. It made me wonder if there was a male/
female problem in working at the academy. I had heard that when a woman shared ideas they
went unnoticed. but when a man brought up the same ideas they were noted and discussed. I
want to know if Catherine has experienced any conflict or dilemma in working in the academy.
particularly in getting recognition for her work or being considered for promotion. When I ask.
"Did you ever feel that being female was a disadvantage." Catherine says. "I don't know how
to answer that." When I suggest that maybe she never felt disadvantaged. she says, "I don't
recall having any real consciousness of feeling discriminated against because I was woman."
Then she adds. "An! more tlzczrz rtsrtcrl. "
When I ask Catherine to explain the qualifier. "Any more than usual.'' she responds. "I think
there are incidents here and there." Then I ask, "Any incidents that really caused you grief?
Were there incidents where you hit the glass ceiling. or ran up against any obstacles which you
could not overcome'! Was there any obstacle which was high and which you overcame? Did
being a woman make any significant difference to your career. career path or any other facet of
your professional life?" The question throws Catherine and she replies.
That's a hard one. You are catching me a bit by surprise with that. and I can't really
give you an answer. I was in a category, employment category, that itself had
limitations. I played that to the hilt. That's what I was and that's how I worked.
I find it difficult to believe that someone in a contractual position would be given permission to
develop arid implement a field-based pro, =ram.
That [contractuad was the category that I was. The difficulty I had was that I had to
work to show that I was more than that. Not that contractual was a bad thing to be. but
there was more to me than that. So I had to really work to add in things that eventually
led to the job I am in now. I did more than the job required of me. I wasn't required to
write and publish. I wasn't hired to do that. I did it for me and because I believed it
was necessary to the program. There wasn't any illusion about my contract. There
was nothing in my contract that suggested that it would be otherwise. I think if there
were. if I felt. a gender problem. I think it came from individuals rather than the
institution.
At Home: Catherine's Other Life
During my visit to Catherine's home I was surprised to discover that she has painted many of
the beautiful paintings which hang on her living room walls for I did not know she is an artist.
The paintings introduce me to another side of Catherine. the educator. She dismisses my
praise.
It feels almost like you're making something of nothing. It surprised you. It's not
quite--1 guess it's just something you didn't know.
When I admit that I was unaware of her artistic talents she says.
I don't know that it is a big deal. I'm not an artist or anything. But if you want to
know what my earliest memory of this is. my significant memory. it probably got
started in Grade Five. Actually, when I was in high school I got an oil paint set as a gift
from my parents and I don't know if this is a chicken or egg story. but for a while I
took some art lessons. .My father took me to them. That was significant to me because
I come from a working-class background and to go to the convent to have painting
lessons was a really big deal. It was exclusive. It was what the rich people did. not
people from where I came from. This was well beyond the ordinariness of life. I don't
remember my mother being involved in it. but I do remember my father being involved.
but. of course he drove. my mother didn't. so he would drive me. 1 don't remember
anything I painted. I just remember going there. I don't even know why I started. I
might have asked for it. Somewhere I got the idea and my parents folIowed through on
it. which was a very big deal in our way of doing things.
I think it's somewhat connected to a very strong memory of being in Grade Five with
Miss Moms as my teacher. I have told the story more than once when illustrating how
a teacher can effect a student. I remember Miss Morris when I was in Grade Five and
we changed schools. Our school was new and Miss morris was young, pretty and
well dressed. She taught art. and when she taught us how to mix colours. 1 thought
that was the most amazing thing in the world. It was an amazing thing because until
that point. I think in art lessons we always had a piece of white paper and a pencil and
we drew things. But she opened up something very different with this colour mixing
and palette. I have to spend a little more time talking about the significance of that. I
suppose- but it was such a strong memory and it must have something to do with some
myths or images I have of teacher and the power of a teacher. . . and the impact of
knowing that I could do things. I could take these two different things and make them
something more than what they were by themselves. I could do things with this. It
was just an absoIutely amazing thing and all because of this teacher.
It was like a paradigm shift. now that 1 can make that analogy . . . . It brought
something totally new to the art experience and it was an absolutely remarkable thing
for me. So it must have started then. 1 don't know what happened in between Grade
Five and high school when I went for these oil lessons for a while. It was a pretty big
deal to be paying for lessons like that. given our background. They didn't last very
long. but just enough for me to dabble and to know that it was there. I did a little bit
before the kids were born. I found a little space and fiddled around a bit on my own.
When I quit teaching. and had all this time. and was trying our various interests. one of
the things 1 did was take up oil lessons again for a short while. It was just a hobby. 1
painted some pictures. That's the story. Then I stopped.
Catherine's landscapes are so inviting that I feel myself drawn into them. I tell her that
I consider them to be quite good and ask about the process--how she decides what to
paint and how she carries out the process. I want to know what drove her to do those
two particular paintings. "I don't recall. When you make anything -- when I'm knitting
and picking colours. or when I'm just drawn to something that I must try. whatever-I
am just creating things."
I suggest that her field-based program at the university is just another craft,
Yes. it is another craft. another construction. Creative energy [used] to see what you
can make. I think I have always done that; not exactly making something out of
nothing. but seeing what I could make out of what was.
Catherine questions my appreciation of her art asking. "I wonder though. with all due respect.
if you would feel that way if you didn't know me? 1 think some of that is your reaction
because of the connection with me." I assure Catherine that I know what 1 Like in art. I add
that if I saw her work in an art gallery I would be interested. At this point. Catherine says,
"I'm glad you Iike it." I ask if she has painted recently. and she informs me that these
paintings were completed before she began graduate school. "There are many things that I
have not done since I started back to graduate school." When I inquire as to whether or not she
ever longs to go back to that [painting], if she has just put it temporarily on hold, if she has
pushed it aside. or. indeed, even thinks about it. she says.
It has crossed my mind here and there. but it is not painting so much as the need to
create something. to make something. So I've returned to knitting and sewing [since
moving back home]. Gardening is a bit like that. I am fixing up things around here:
anything that is hands-crafting. whatever is an opportunity to create. I remember that,
at one time. when I lived away from home. 1 considered bringing my sewing machine
to my one bedroom apartment. I started to feel that I was going batty because I wasn't
making anything. Everything I was doing was headwork. I was working through the
day and working in the night. but on books. ideas, words. headwork, and it wasn't
satisQing my need to create in other ways. It really doesn't matter what I am making
as long as I am doing something creative.
I feel a bit like that when I write. I have to think about this a bit more. I am doing the
writing. the academic writing more for someone else than for me. That might be one of
the reasons why I don't write as much as I should. I have to son that through because
in a way I am crafring words. I like the writing but academic writing. or at least what I
think it [academic writing] is, or the writing to be published--that's what I have to do.
That is more of the job than it is things that I want to make. I want to create-see what it
will become. some kind of expression.
When I ask Catherine if she has tried so-called academic topics in a style of writing which she
would like to. -Which would be you?' she replies
Not too much. Not really. I don't think so and I don't even know what that style is.
But I think that. there is . . . I'm really going through this thing now. of worrying
about voice. which is what other people have talked about for so long. and I'm am son
of catching up with this idea of mine. What is my voice and what's this all about'? I
guess I don't see myself as much of a creative writer. I don't know if I have the
imagination to be a creative writer, nor the feeling of freedom or confidence to do it.
I tell Catherine about my Hebrew friend who has recently broken the traditional boundaries of
writing. I do this to assure her that some academics have broken away from the constraints of
traditional academic writing to forge their own styles. Catherine says.
I feel very junior in all of this. But in a way my thesis was like that. I decided what I
was going to do it about and people said. "What's this got to do with education?"
Nevertheless. I did it my own way. I felt strongly about that. I was involved with that
work. But this other stuff that I am doing. I'm not. I believe that some day it will
come: though maybe it won't.
Resonance. I, roo, am halting n problern ruitlz some people nor gettirzg the corzrzectioiz
between m y thesis w.ork and the world of school and curricuhrn. Some peopie do not
~ t r lde rstmd n-hat persor zcc/proj2xsiomZ reflectiorz has to do w irlz crt rricrtlitm. Friends, bvho
enrolled bz the docroml program years a@er I did, are fin ished and regarded as the esperts in the
area of school councils, tests and measurements. I ' m still rping to work through rn? data and
writing. Those who are hired are ofen those with the expenise in areas of accountabili~.
Wzere do we go when we are finished? For what are we groomed?
I attempt to push the issue further. asking,
You keep saying. "I'm junior in this." or you indicate that you don't think that you
have arrived. if seniority means arrived, or if time at painting can make you arrive
somewhere. You've got this juniorkenior idea in that you're not good enough or
you're not where you want to be and just wonder about that. Where does this come
from? How do you explain that to me? 1 look [at your accomplishments] and 1 am in
awe. And I see such work in so many of your things. and. yet. you look at it and say.
"I'm a junior." 1 look at the program which you brought in [developed and
implemented]. and I think it was highly innovative. I see so many positive things about
it, even in our conversation about it last night. It's almost like women who achieve
success sometimes say. "It was luck that got me there." That's not what you're saying,
but I don't know that you fully appreciate the work [the quality] of the things that you
do. I don't know that you give yourself credit. Do I make myself clear?
Catherine's face breaks into a smile. There is also a look which tells me that our conversation is
taking a new turn. She exclaims.
Now you're starting to get into some red questions. Some real stuff. We have been
talking about a lot of stuff which is realIy descriptive. sort of reporting. But now you
are asking some real stuff. I'm thinking about whether I want to answer. or whether I
can answer.
I remind Catherine that- if she answers and is not happy with what I write, she can edit it. The
final copy will report what she has sanctioned. It is her call. She will be the censor. She says
I don't think there is a simple answer to this. I begin this in the way I understand it. I
talk to people about reflection: maybe I'm not a very deep or reflective person, I don't
know. But I keep doing things--I see myself doing a lot of things that have to be done.
L carry on. Like keeping it together. But beneath the keeping it together. there is a
whole lot of stuff that 1 don't think I pay too much attention to really. because I am
busy keeping it together. I wonder what would happen if I said I don't want to keep it
together anymore . . . what's way down--and brought it up like a volcano. what it
would be like. . . . Where does that come from? I th ink4 don't know how coherent
this is going to be as I am making it up as I go. I haven't got it pieced together.
Some of it comes from knowing that I am doing things on the spot. spontaneously, in
the same way that I haven't studied painting. I just got some paints. a brush and
palette, and did it. So I don't see myself as a person of great howledge, who studied.
or had ,areat training [in art] because I have none. Therefore, I wonder how can this
[my painting] be good because I have no training or knowledge of it. My knitting, my
sewing. everything I have done has been self-taught. I put stuff together. When I'm
looking for a book to read. I don't have time to look around for just the right one, I
say. "Maybe this will be O K " And I try things without a whole Lot of background.
It's what I can do at the time and it has to be enough. I don't have any training. I don't
have money. I think, "Maybe this will work; it will look better than it was," but then I
think. "Well. maybe if I redly knew what 1 was doing. if I had some expertise or had
an expert to assist me it would be better." I feel that I am going on very little in terms
of information. in terms of trained skill. So. more or less, I am relying on intuitive
know!edge or something. It is very ambiguous to me-the ideas may not have a strong
grounding or an approval anywhere. a legitimacy or a tradition that gives it legitimacy.
This appIies to my thesis. too. I finished my doctorate before comprehensives. I didn't
do a comprehensive. It was before they were required and. to some extent. I am
grateful for that. Yet sometimes I wonder if I would be more confident in what I. knew
if I had had the proof of the comprehensives. because I would have passed the test and
been approved. Whereas. my thesis. it was all made up in a sense--creative.
The process was mine. I went out and took something from life. I saw something that
I felt. more than knew. but felt it was right. worked on it and worked on until I
stopped. It didn't come out of the literature. I just made [it] up out of life, so that
makes me feel that it's not as legitimate. . . . I wasn't very successful in school. in my
undergraduate degree. I really wasn't a great student. I got by. I was there, i t was
interesting. but I didn't have a mastery approach. To me learning was always
meaningful: I looked at the whole and forgot the details. In a sense I was always
asking. "What is this about?" So I have an understanding of things in general and a
few of the details. It's not for confidence making when you think you have a sense of
the big picture. or the whole, can put all of the pieces together, but cannot list the
details. I stood back from it and saw the big thing and so those pieces were not
important enough or I did not have an ability. I am aware of what's not there and being
aware of what's not there I don't have confidence because it feels thin or put together.
and I marvel at people who have confidence as a professor. It almost seems a bit like
arrogance to profess something because what I know is not there- I know how
incomplete my knowing is. How. [when] you know that there is so much to
understand. so much to learn--how can you profess anything because you know all
knowledge is so incomplete? I am more inclined to think that I sense things or feel
things. fee1 the picture. feel that . . . [I think that I am] very inarticulate but I have a
sense of things. I might have more of a sense of life than abstractions of life. I don't
have the abstractions of life. the language. ideas. concepts or theories. or claims to
knowledge. that give confidence to make sense of Iife.
What am I? I just have a sense of things so it makes me feel that way. I am sure it goes
back to my upbringing. my raising. my background. Both my parents did not finish
school. They don't have much. in the sense of [material] things. They are not well to
do at all. and that's where I got ail of my, "If you want to fix up the house. do what
you can. Thrs is your idea." There was no. "Is this a good idea, who qualifies this as
being worthwhile, bad or good or attractive or aesthetic or whatever'?" You just do it.
so [you have] no sense of confidence in not having had approvd of it or some expert
opinion on it. My mother still does that. She looks for outside information. I think I
musr have picked up a bit of that. My father's attitude was that things will do. This is
good enough because my mother crochets and always does things with her hands. My
father does. also. They have no training whatever. Everything is self-taught. They do it
as an expression of self: just doing things. so there is no sense of expertise in it. Both
my parents still have that and I must have been raised with that. So there is that sense of
[being] self-taught. It's not trained. It's not refined. There is no confidence because it is
not a refined anything.
A very strong memory I have of my childhood is that in elementary school I used to do
very well in school. I don't know why but I always used to come first in those days. I
remember my father telling me. "You can't brag about it. You can do anything but it's
not good to brag about it." As a result, I didn't brag about it: so. in some sense. you
put down your achievements. I am still very much like that: very conscious, self-
conscious about that and maybe to some extent because 1 think I stay with two people
that up themselves up too much. and I don't like that. So I'm trying not to be like that.
too. So I have got these two things going on-this part that this is good enough and
there is no affirmation or legitimacy of it or whatever because it's not refined because it
just comes out of you. And then there is this other part which is also this--I have a thing
about arrogance--people that I feel are very arrogant and rhey're ordinary people. They
are flawed: they have all the same bodily functions as everybody else. Their
experiences may have been different. What gives anyone the right to be puffed up about
themselvesb? It is as though I have a problem with that. too. And I want not to do that.
I remember I did something that I was so embarrassed about and I regret very much
when I was still in graduate student. a new professor said something to me. I remember
doing this on the phone. He asked about working on something together and I rejected
him severely. And. oh. I wish I could go back and take that. I wish I could find him
and apologize for it. But I remembered (Why am I saying this now?) out of that. I did
that because, "What do I know?" and I think I see around me a lot of people writing the
same things which I don't think have very much merit and I'm afraid of doing the
same--sort of like the social levels of people who are huffed up about themselves. I
think they transfer some of that over to writing and the research and the claims to
knowledge when this is just a very small thing, that's nothing much. don't make of it
more than it redly is. Let's not pretend its more.
Too many people write things with claims or say things that are nothing much and
others pick that up and take it as more than ii is and go on it and that's a mistake. There
is a lot written. I don't want to say is garbage. but mostly meaningless and this is
sacrilegious. I am very nervous about saying that. I worry about all the stuff that gets
written because people have t o get published. People want to say things because they
want to be heard. They think somehow what they have got to say is so important when
its really not that important. It's not what it's all about. It's a hell of lot of these mixed
issues in there for me. I don't know if they are unresolved or maybe they should stay
unresolved like that. 1 hope this makes some sense. I don't think I have said this
before.
Resonance. Catherine has brorighr u p some very iinportant issues. When she speaks of
hei~rg r t l o hrrsy "keeping things to get he^-" to have ~rzucll time the resonance is deafening. As
~?oine~z \t.r spend nzrich of'orrr lifr keeping tlzingr together. B~t t is it really what we rvatzt und
need to do? What rvodd happen if rve stopped keeping things together, $ w e made time ro
reflect on ow- lives as wonzerz ? Horv can we reflect rrporz our lives; how can we participate in
co~zversations. ~ A i c h help rts rinderstand ortr lives and our world?
Cuth eriu e is grcipplirlg rr*irh qrestiorz of what does m d does not corzstirute knowledge ? Is
bzo~~.lellge possessd o n l ~ b~ the experts? Or is this abilic to improvise, rvhich Catherine ciizrl
her p~~reizts shr-e, cl f o m of knowledge? Do we have to be the experts to be val~red?
Cdzer-ine 's rzeed to be validated is shared by me and by many other women. H a r t - do we lean1
to LYZILIL' orrl-sel\.es and our abilities? Catheriize oizljv rvanrs to write ifshe Izas some thg to say
arzd not because writing is something professors have to do. Does her father's advice aborrt not
hmggiug imve sor netlzirrg to do wirll Ccltheriue 's feelings aborit herself It appears thar in order
to j2el tlrut she has uccornplishrd sornetlzing \vort/while Cuther-ine feels thnt she must hcrd
srudied lvith the experts and met their imposed standurds. Hobr do w e come to devulrle our
abilin to improvise and create without the aid of the e x p e ~ ? Is this why rnrcch of women's
work is invisibte?
Catherine's comments about her creativity and intuition and the problems she has with some of
what is presently being accepted as academic research and writing, prompt me to want to know
what she considers knowledge. When I inquire she responds, "That is a big question. I don't
know if I can I answer that now." I ask. "Where do you look for knowledge? What do you
class as knowledge? Obviously people class intuition and creativity as knowledge that you have
within. Is knowledge always out there with some people?"
I don't think I am going to answer this intelligently, Florence. I don't think I've been
asked this before. I don't know if I've talked this much with people about the writer
and the known. This is when I'm going to say now. I don't know if this will change
tomorrow. next week.
My question takes Catherine to an area where she has not gone before and I listen intently as
she thinks through her answer.
I think I have a dilemma because I think I carry with me this thing that information.
knowledge. wisdom. smartness is out there. Somebody said, "It's there. This is it." I
don't have it. It's there and I am going for it. It's in the books. it's in the church. and
it's in somebody in a position of authority--a person with money, a person who's the
boss. Somebody out there has this knowledge. this information. There's that because I
think it is in my environment. I think it is in my environment but as I operate, as I live,
as I work. I think most of our knowledge. knowing wisdom. and inclination is created
in the situation. What comes to mind as you said that? A flash, a picture went through
of this particular student maybe because I mentioned the student to you just a little while
ago.
In my job I am supposed to know things because I am supposed to be guiding people. I
am evaluatins them and I am also setting them up to achieve so I am supposed to know
things. aren't I? And some of that knowing is abstract knowing that I picked up from
places and experience. But 1 really think. I think that sometime- it's adult Level and it's
OK. We all get by with it. and it's enough. or maybe [it's] everyday knowledge. I am
more expert than my students are because I have done something they haven't done but
many of them are smarter than I am. I think I have more experience. I am only there
because I've got the job because I've done some things they haven't done and I know
some people and so on. So it's kind of an everyday knowledge. But I think of some
particular cases. situations, relationships with people, situations we have to deal with,
where I think we do well. we succeed. we learn things and sometimes I can't codify
what we learn or say it to anybody else. It seems so strange. We make up what's right.
what's knowledge. what's wisdom, what's knowing. what's expert. the three of us -
the environment, the student, and myself. I bring who I am. what I've done. what little
I know or don't know and open it up entirely to this situation with a student who will
receive that from me as that student does the same. I think the particular student. the
problems. requires more than the everyday.
When we get into a trusting other persons make themselves vulnerable to me because
they are trusting what little I know or don't know. and I make myself vulnerable to
them by showing them what little I know. We are doing this together. And the
environment is there because they're reading the environment. They are in a
relationship with the environment and I'm in a relationship with the environment, but
my relationship with it just has more history than theirs does. So we are putting d l this
together and I am picturing this one student for example. this is within the course but I
am being there and they are being there with me. So I say let's try this place, this is
different, this is what I think. And they say OK. And that's what I say is that mix
where we are creating it together. We are reading a situation, putting our knowledge of
it together and making something. I think that's knowledge. I don't think I have
anything apart from the environment I'm in.
Earlier in our conversation Catherine used the term "voice" when speaking about literature and
voice and people finding voice. I want her to comment further and ask where voice fits in
relation to her teaching: in relation to her place in academia. I also want to know if voice is
relatively new to her.
I don't know. I don't think so. I am probably trying to come to terns with it. I have
trouble with the term voice, as somehow it is one of those over-used words now;
everybody latches on to voice. I think what I am working with is sometimes
wonderment that anyone would care what I have to say. Partially again I wouldn't mind
just a person chugging along. trying to get through life like anyone else. not knowing
much more. making it up. making mistakes. I know 1 find more of my flaws in what I
don't have here so why would anybody care of what I have to say. Also because I
think. along the way, I have heard from people that they don't care what I say. Like it
doesn't matter what I have to say. So there is a part from inside me that wonders,
realizing I'm just me.
But then also from outside of me having picked up some messages. and incurred--
having experience-having been told that what I have to say is not important. But then
also from out there some things, which comes as a surprise to me. that some think that
I do have something to say. that they care what I have to say. So I have these things
happening around there. You don't know what is going to come out where. So there is
certainly a struggle between the ones that say, "Gee. I didn't know what you had to
say. This is good." And out there are the ones saying that what I have to say really
doesn't matter. So what do I do with that? So from out there I hear these conflicting
messages. And then. what they are coming in on is this other person. [the self] who is
in there. who is wondering whatever it is we do about ourselves. about who we are.
and hasn't figured that out. I am never really sure.
I did a very embarrassing thing about two months that I wish I could take back. It is
also one of those things. too, where you look through it and learn from it. I had to
make a presentation. Someone put me on an agenda for making a presentation to a
group of peers--some people close to me and some people outside my department. I
was busy and I didn't say. "No. take me off." I just accepted that they put me on there
and I would do it and I didn't prepare anything. I didn't plan a lesson. I didn't study it.
and I didn't research it. I was just busy and 1 just barely showed up for the meeting
because I had to do some other things. So I was running from this to that and I showed
up to the meeting and I do what I call "Putting it on the back burnei7--letting it stew in
the back of my brain while I am doing other things. In the morning of the day before
the meeting. I pulled out what was on the back burner. did some fast preparation which
was basically a crcative thing. I used to visualize. and that was my plan for it. I was
going to do it. I knew that I hadn't prepared well and I was feeling very insecure about
it. and I was rushing from thing to thing. I was tired. I'm sure. and [the] strains in my
life I guess added to that. So I got to the meeting knowing I had just thrown this
together. not disbelieving what I had to say. It was sincere and honest. but knowing I
had thrown it together. and I guess maybe thinking that because I had thrown it
tosether it couldn't be good, I felt very insecure because I had thrown it together and
rushed with the thing and I was barely focused. l just made the meeting at the right
time. And so it carne to my time to present and I did. I know I handled it poorly
because I was very self-effacing in doing it. excessively so. And it's not cool to do
that. It's not professional. It's not grown up. It's not anything. I did it and afterwards I
knew--I knew my presentation was good. I think people were startled by it because it
was different. I think I captured the essence not the detail.
I think that's pretty much a theme. capture the essence, getting the meaning of
something even if I don't know the details. And I reached people with it. I think it was
wry powerful. A number of people told me so. But I knew afterwards that I had not
handled it well and afterwards a friend told me the same thing. And I could look back
now and see what I had done. The weak part of me carne out which most often when I
am making a presentation I manage to hide somewhere. And sometimes with a lot of
preparation and ovenvork my confidence wiIl come out because I know at that I
worked on it. You know that knowledge thing whatever, at least I knew what I was
talking about. so sort of preparation will do it. which is maybe why we do too much in
our work. So where does your confidence come if not from your work domain'! You
should give it your best shot. But in this case my best shot was in the back of my brain.
pulling out of nowhere. doing this creative thing. and hoping that I could get the job
done.
When I comment that at least she got the job done Catherine comments, "But I didn't
do me personally any good. It didn't do me personally any good." When I suggest that
this was something she was feeling inside she says. "Well. also my image with others
around. I think a lot of these people were thinking, "Holy cow. who is she? Why is she
acting like this? Why did she do it? Why did she talk about herself?" I don't think I did
my image very much good.
When I inquire about the knowledge. the presentation. and what she wanted to come up with
she says.
The idea that 1 had. the way of expressing the idea was a11 right on. from the feedback
on it. i t was all right on. But I didn't do me personatly very good. It's probably not too
much like your looking at a session and thinking. '-Oh, I did in a very big way for this
presentation. I did it big time. this thing." It was a similar kind of thmg to the art.
Catherine's thoughts on her presentation are similar to those on her painting. When I tell her
this she agrees
So I suppose to a good extent its about the devaluing of persons. And I think that there
is a very big theme in my work and my life and sense of my social conscious. things
that I try to do in my work counteracting the devaluing of persons because I am aware
of people being devalued. I used to get teased a lot when I was a kid, put down. and I
know and I think that's all wrong and my moral sense is that's wrong. But I am still
struggling with these issues.
Catherine has brought us close to the dilemmas which women endure as they are caught in the
struggle to find their places in the world and in academia. Catherine connects her struggles to
her childhood. to what she was taught growing up. How do we unlearn the lessons of
childhood that put us in a place of inferior status? How do we acquire confidence and a valuing
of selves and our women's knowledge. not only in the schools but at home'? What are our
hopes for the Future of women in academia? What are our hopes for women and family? Will
women someday be able to integrate family and career without the split/dilemrna/conflict about
which Catherine speaks?
Chapter Ten
From Mv Storv to the Stories of Others: From the Personal to the Poiitical
The writer is neither a vestal nor an Ariel. Do what he may he's in the thick of
it. marked and compromised down to his deepest refuge. (Jean Paul Sartre in
Review of Pedagogy Cultural Studies. Vol. 16. No. 1 ( 1994)
Corning to Understand the Weave of Our Lives: The Patterns of Our Living
Now that my own life and the lives of Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine have been
storied and restoried. it is time to make meaning of them within my particular discipline. My
inquiry into the integration of personal professional lives of women educators must contribute
to knowledge in the area of teacher and curriculum development. for the purpose of improving
educational practice and theory. the conrext4%f education. and the lives of teachers. women.
children. and men. With ths responsibility at the forefront. I look for h e meaning of our
-Is Context plays a critical role in both the tiving and writing of a life narrative and its interpretation. The socio-
political and historical contexts of a life narrative are very important for
Context is not a script. It is a dynamic process throush which the individual simuItaneously
shapes and is shaped by her environment,.. But the very act of interpretation requires us to
choose among the multiple identities and associations shaping a life (PNG. 1989. p. 19).
At the same time. as concluded by the PNG (1989).
context was an interpretive framework for analysis. but agreed that its dimensions had to be
considered from the standpoint of the subject of the personal narrative. as we11 as from the
standpoint of the interpreter's analysis of a particular cultural or social system (PNG. p. 12).
narratives. My intent is not to prove a theory but to provide a Literary text which will allow
people. in living life vicariously. to find possibility where there does not appear to be any: to
realize that there are alternate ways to live a life; and to become aware that one can live the
educated life through engaging in a process of moving continually from acculturation to
awakening. and from awakening to transformation. to return to acculturation in a different
place. to await further awakening and transformation.
Since "Knowledge does not transcend but is roored in and shaped by specific interests and
social arrangements" (Code. 199 1. p. 68). 1 interpret my stories of Patricia. Beth. Stephanie.
and Catherine in light of my own experience and knowledge. As I do this, my biases come
through in my research. purpose. topic, methodology. analysis. interpretation.
recommendations for change. and the questions which I raise for further research. The truth I
find is the truth of my own experience as contained in the stories which 1 have shared with
you. It is within this truth that I look to the tmths of Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine.
four well-respected. white. middle-class Canadian educators who have varied experiences as
they ictegrate family and career. As I look for common themes in our stories. "The personal
becomes political by being revealed as commonalities" (Barry. 1989. p. 564). I confirm and
question my findings in light of the research of others as indicated in the current literature.
Being educator. narrativist. and feminist. I take my research further than interpretation for.
"The goal of feminist research is not to understand the world but to change it" (Stanley and
Wise. 1983. p. 178 in Power. 1994, p. 18). I must find ways to use my inquiry as catalyst for
individual and societal change.
During my first thesis (M.Ed.) journey, the map was ever before me: the traditionaily
prescribed thesis form allowing no side-trips, permitting me to arrive methodically and quickly
at the point of new-found knowledge and subsequent claim to scholarship. The responses to
the questions contained in the interview schedule of my first thesis inquiry were analyzed and
recorded without struggle, the implications were articulated, and
On my present thesis journey (Ph.D.), I am travelling a different
the recommendations made.
road-that of narrative
inquiry. Memory. personal censorship, purpose. and perspective shape the stories which
Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. Catherine. and I tell of our lives as we remember them. Using
excerpts from transcripts of the field text. I story these accounts. My personal professional
experience and thesis purpose shape my listening. reading. selection. and interpretation of the
stories included. and the literature which supports my remarks.
The prelude to this thesis begins with the words, split/dilemmakonflict, a language
construction which I use to describe a thread in the weave of my woman's experience of the
world. In my isolation. before my introduction to narrative and women's studies. I could not,
did not. use these words to describe my feelings of frustration, anger. and defeat. Sometime
during doctoral studies the words and ideas of split/dilemrna/conflict entered my vocabulary
and eventually became critical to my thesis inquiry. As I lived the life of family and career I
was often caught in a dilemma when making choices. The decision I wanted to make and the
decision I had to make were often standing on opposing sides. grappling with each other for
my favour. I experienced split in being faced with the decision. I was caught in conflict and
dilemma about making the right decision. If somethmg went wrong after making the decision. 1
was then faced with guilt about having made the wrong decision. Before "Foundations of
Curriculum" and "Women as Change Agents In the Schools'', I knew the splits existed for I
experienced them. felt them. but did not know how to say them. Articulation escaped me. for
the although the knowledge of the split/dilemma/conflict was embodied. it was not yet within
my consciousness. When I reflected upon my experience of what I eventually named
split/dilsrnma/conflict I wondered. "Am I isolated'? Am I alone in my split experience of the
world. or part of a larger group'? If part of the larger group. do I. as a professional. have some
responsibility to other teachers. women. men and students?" As I listened to the stories of
others in the "Foundations of Cumculum" and "Women as Change Agents In the Schools" I
recognized that I was not alone in my experience.
In time [ learned to voice and name my experience. recognizing. at the same time. there are
manv stories which we have not yet learned to tell. boundaries which we cannot cross. We
may not yet feel safe enough to go to certain very private places in our lives. I looked to the
literature from the disciplines of education and women's studies to help me comprehend my
esperience. In time. I began my thesis quest. into the integration of the personaVprofessional
lives of women educators. for it offered the possibility of a deeper understanding, possible
answers. further questions. and subsequent conversation about women's experience of the
integration of family and career. Conversation offered the possibility of change.
As I read feminist literature. I became mindful of the splits which exist in women's lives
between the know ledge and norms of the patriarchal and hierarchically structured institutions
which govern our existence. and the knowledge. experience, and needs which we have as
women "who [have] lived [and continue to live] in a world put together in ways in which we
had had very little to say." (Smith. 1990 b, p. 1). The more I read and reflected. the more likely
it appeared that the split/dilemma/conflict which I experienced, was inherent in the distance
between my ideals and my lived realities. Consequently, 1 began to develop
a feminist perspective [which] is one which acknowledges that men and women have
been treated unequally by and within social institutions (the church. the state. and the
justice. education. and health systems). and which proposes and acts upon solutions to
end this unequal treatment. (PACSW. March 1995. p. 3)
search in^ for meaning: Examining the weave of mv life. Before I interpret the
stories of Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine, I must make meaning of my own story,
come to some conclusions about the impact of narrative inquiry on the course of my own life. I
must ask whether or not engagement in the process of narrative inquiry has brought new
meaning to my life. Has it made an appreciable difference? Is the person preparing this thesis
the same person who entered doctoral studies in September 1990, or have the intervening years
and experience brought changes. other than those which result from ordinary living and natural
aging'? Can I attribute cognitive. affective. and other possible changes to the OISE experience?
Easily recognizable at the present time is the physical change brought about through che
drinking of coffee and eating of chocolate in an effort to stay awake in order to meet
assignment deadlines. become computer literate. and work to pay rent and tuition fees. But.
what personal professional growth can I ascribe to the process of narrative inquiry'? What does
it mean to have articulated and reflected upon my life narrative in the course of my studies? Has
the doctoral program been m educative or mis-educative experience (Dewey, 1938)?
Remernberin~ the bee inn in^ of the iournev. In the company of nvelve ktVonzen rind hvo
tnarz. I come to restor\. and slzare the experiences of my life, and in doing so gain an increased
rtrzderstmzding of rn! past. present. and filtrtre. The process oj-finding my voice. oj-telling
previolisly rtncu-ticrdated stories. is difficdr. As we enter each other's lives throriglz o w stories.
I find con,fort in the resorzunce of our slrured stories of esperience and the closeness and
sltppon rchich develop rvirhirl the class as the semester progresses. I leanz to speak ar I An ve
not spoken before; to value my experience and persona[ practical knowledge as a woman; nrzd
to cotfront sonze of nzy okvn stereotypes and prejicdices. I acknowledge the narrative rtnities of-
nzF [$e: tlze tlzrends which hold my [ife together; commorz thetnes across our irzdividual lirvs.
cznd tile metaphors which we use lo describe our professional practice and living. I am
sripportrd cind ill fomzed th-ocigho~lt by tny experience in " Women as Change Agents in the
Scl1ools. "
The telling of each narrative brings new urzderstandings aborrt my clnssrnates, myself; and my
wwrlci. Assigned readings confirm manx of the stories and experiences which we share and set
them 61 cr corzte-rr which extends beyond the confines of our classroom to the everyday world
unci the nznrginalized position of rvonzerz within that world Nrrrrative, as phenomenon and
met/zodolog_v. allorr.~ me to bridge personal professional theory and practice. It moves me>-om
r r h t I t z o ~ . comider the isoiariorz of my own itarrative of experience into cornmurzi~ ~t*ith other
echtcutors. It brings me to the reccfization that my experience us a woman is not uniqne. 11 is
echoed in stories oj-my class~nntes and rlze Ziteranm. As we reflect upon the past and restory
ocu- lives. we gairt ntz r~rzderstandirlg of o w patriarclzal society, its language and relations of
r~rlirrg, and ho~rv it defines our identities and roles as women. Assigned readings orz narrative
and feminism aid orw interpretation or meaning-nraking. With rrnderstonding comes n desire for-
change. Nerip rvay of living a bvonzan's life seem possible.
Narrative inquir?, takes me from on initial articulation of my lived-in experience of teaching,
man-kge. and divorce to a srrbseqrcent reston,ing;fiorn an rtnderstonding of my s top as an
bzdividd sto~-\. to at1 understanding of it as orze of many which are sirnilerr; from m y s top of
it zdivici~tal isolation to er realization of women S collective marginali:atiorz within our patr-inrchcrl
socirc; mdfrom rn? desire for individual change ro one of societal change. "Foundations of
Gcrricdrmt " cind "Women as Change Agents in the Schools" give me opporruni~ to find a
voice that is imiqcrely mine and. in doing so, bring me f m n the private reabn to the semi-public
come-rr ofthe SC& classroom. The writing of this thesis brings me from the safe8 of that
gr-ciduutr-studies classr-oorn to the public domniiz of academia; the rvorld of educntiorz,
c~rrric~rlrm. teacher professional developinent: and the bridging of the gap between tlteon artd
practice. It also transforms me from agent for i~zdividual clzange to agetzt of projessional and
societal chcrnge.
The writing of my professional narrative is catalyst to my thesis inquiry for it is early in the
in quit^ into in? own life that I become interested in resenrclziizg the integratiorz of the persorral
and professional. the life of family and career--the life I live. The experience teaches me to look
at the personal nrzd professional discontinuities of l$e as opportunities for growth. to turn
errdings into rzelr- begirzrzings, arrd to live in com~?zruzit;v. It is in this corn17z~tizig tirut I cornefcrce
ro face \t.ith the interrrrpred r-onzmzce plor of m y life arzd learn to rozderstaizd and accepr thar
di1:orce happens. I t is the end of a rnnrrkrge. It need nor be the end of m y world. As rnr
daughter Aizdi-en tells me. one dcz~ drriizg her thil-feeiztlz year. while stmggiiizg w i ~ h the
disappoinhnent of growing too tall to realize her dream of a career in dnnce, "When God closes
doors. he operrs windows". I once thorrght, but now question, that God w s involved in
clnsirzg the door or1 tny inm-riage.
Th rorlgh tile process of rzarrative in pi?. I discover that the ternination of my marriage need
not be storied as a tragedy, but rather a discontinuity which allows new beginnings (Batesorz,
1989), for- it opens windo\vs of opportrrni~ which rvoltid have remained closed rvithirz r n j
imm-icrge. Ifnz). nlurriuge had contin rted I may never have glanced towards the window of
q p c ' r t i ~ ~ i h . never peered tlzrortgh to see beyoizd 1 7 2 1 experience of the romrrnce plot rvlzich I
\tus artenzprirrg to live out. I might not hmve becotrzt. corzsciuris of r n ~ . iderztie cis ci rt.omu~z in li
mctn 's rt*o r-ld.
Both pain and opporturzih7 take me beyond consideration of ~ n j private world to the world
outside--to the r i z r d z larger context of the social narrative in which my personal s ton is
C Z N I I L ~ ~ I Z ~ ~ . I PI-ORI-~SS from ~ ~ c c u l m - a t i o ~ ~ ru atvakerzi~zg to reninz to acculrrrt-atiorz in a diferent
place. rt-cirzsfonned, and repeat the educative process, time arzd time. again. 112 doing so. I
grdrrctllj. nzoLVe beyond seeing my lve as one of persortnl fcrilrtre to viewing it as one of rzew
beginizi~zgs and rrertv drallerzges. I discover thnr my I$e is education; nzy education is l$e
(De\ve)-. 1938). M y l$e beconzes nz~. crrrricrtlui~z; nty curr-icrtlrrm the course of m y l$e.
Shared and individual reflection, co~zversation, qrrestioning, and reading make me acutek
akvare that my position as a woman in family and at work within Canadian society is ~tnequal to
that of men. In Edrtcarion 1300 I sense this in the stories we teN of our lives. In Women as
Change Agents in the Schools I lean? about the inequality a d receive confinnation of if
t11 t-o~rgh the stories and up-to-date acconnts of rvor~tan S piuce in the teuclzing projession and
the world. When I search the literat~we, I find that the gender-based inequality, which
prmlentes the stories and experiences in which I have shared. is confirmed by research and
other rr*ritings. This experience stin~uZates my desire ro change not orzlj. the condirions which
creczte inequality for women and girls but also for boys and men. How can ir be orhenvise?
As the ntother of two sons and a daughter. and as a woman who respects and values men and
the male experience. I have come to see that "Gender is a two-edged sword. Girls are
shonchmzged, brtt b o y pa! a price as well"(Sndker. 1991, p. 225). 1 have become
increcisingly conscious of ways in rvhich the patriarchal inflrtences of o w society constrain and
strtnt the growth of males and females. Aware and strong in my knowledge and desire. I
recrclily commit myself to bringing about the changes [perceive necessary. I know change is
di;fJicrtlt to bring about for I have studied change theon. and have lived throrrgh, what I
co~zsider. an experience of great personal change. However, rhe epiphany which I experience
itz tn? narrative me tho do log^ and wornen's studies cortrses awakens myfeminist
cotzsciorrsness and stirs my desire to become an agent of change--to foster the awakening and
transj50fonnation of others. Informed by both theon and pracrice. I develop workshops for pre-
senrice tecr chers during- the second semester and, a fer my residence write an induction
pt-ogravz for beginning teuchers. I bring rnx ne~o-fottrzd bzorc.ledgr offeminism to m~
crtrrinci~tm development activities at both the Newformdland Depamenr of Education and the
Atlantic Provinces EdrmztionaC For~ndation (APEF) New attitudes infl~terzce my teaching and
learning. I want others to experience at a much earlier age the feminist consciousness mtd the
cornmutziQ of women which were rrnkrzowrz to me before doctoral studies.
Seeking Other Patterns: Moving From Mv Own Weave of Experience to That of
Others
Since "The question of what we do want beyond a "safe space" is crucial to the differences
between the individualistic telling with no place to go and a collective movement to empower
women" (Adrienne Rich. 1976 in 1986 Edition. p. x). I pursue an inquiry which offers hope
of discovering the meaning of my life in relation to the lives of other female educators, namely
my participants. Concurrently. I seek out and review the literature. the written accounts of
other researchers. and include those readings which give meaning to my life, and contribute to
my inquiry. They become part of my personal bias. My life narrative and those of Patricia.
Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine are told through stories of experience. some of which can be
verified as fact. but the main body of which is open to interpretation, based on the knowledge
of the knower. the reader. My theory is grounded not only in the theory of narrative inquiry as
situated within the Faculty of Education and the position it occupies within academia but also
within my experience and the experience of Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine.
I write this thesis from where I am at this time in my thinking. my living. and total experience
for
the extent, nature, and impact of the history available to anyone will shape their
subjective realization of their past which is the reference point from which. in the
moment of the present, the future is conceived. The search for women's subjectivity in
biography must understand subjectivity as temporal and structured. that is. locared in
history where it is a dynamic formulation of the future from the past (Barry, 1989. p.
562) .
I am but one smdI being in a long and complex stream of time, a history which records the
lives of men. I seek meaning from my own personal standpoint--from the life I have Lived as a
woman. from the life I am presently living, and the life I hope to live. Within my own
immediate context I have reflected upon my experience of narrative methodology and its
meaning in my life. I have determined that the narrative process can be one of personal
professional change. it has the power to transform. Before moving from my own stories of
experience to those of Patricia. Beth, Stephanie. and Catherine. I must consider how I shape
my stories. how my stones shape me. I must remind myself and you, the reader. that what I
say and do is influenced by the stories I have lived. and tell; the stories that are told about me:
the ones I want to live. Within the truth of my experience I interpret the stories which Patricia.
Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine have told as their truths.
Thesis is both process and product. This dissertation. therefore. contains accounts of both my
inquiry into my particular thesis topic. the integration of personal professional lives of women
educators. and into the process of narrative as methodology. The inquiry process which results
in the writing of this text is, itself. an example of that very act of the integration of personal and
professional life, for it takes great time. energy. and commitment to write this thesis. The very
acts of study. research. and writing have to be accommodated within a context of family,
friends. and relationships. The time required has to be taken from personal relationships and
life. not the professional. As doctoral student I use narrative inquiry to delve into my own
experience: to make sense of my actions within the context of my life as lived on the personal
and professional knowledge landscapes. Through exploration of personal practical knowledge
and the images and metaphors which I use to describe that knowledge and experience. I make
meaning of the world of my experience. In doing so. I gain a sense of temporality. the
interweaving of my past. present and future: of who I am. who I have been, and who I can
become.
M o v i n ~ from mv isolation: Seeking new patterns in the stories of others. In my
Education 1300 class I move from the isolation of my experience, as a woman. to community.
The stories of classmates bring me from the loneliness of my own story to the company and
consolation of others' stories: to the discovery that I a m just one of many who live similar
stories: one of many who experience much of the world as I do. Through story and a lens of
empathy (Bateson. 1989). my experience is legitimized. Discovering a similarity of experience
is not enough. We need to explore further. To understand the stories of our lives we move
from the content--the "what" of our lives-to the "why"-examination of the contexts in which
the tapestry and patterns of our lives are woven. It is in the exploration of the contexts of our
lives that we come to understand the weave of our experiences, their past, present, and future.
Movement. from the what of our experiences and why of our contexts, brings the possibility
of changing that context. and our lives--even the lives of those who come after us. It is this
very experience and process which drives me to explore the integration of personal and
professional lives.
As I listen I hear my own story resonate in the narratives of Beth. Patricia, Catherine. and
Stephanie. In each of their stories 1 hear fragments of my own. There is a corning together. a
discovery of the commonality of our experience within our stories of the integration of family
and career. This discovery moves me from my isolation of living the dual role. Common
images and experiences permeate our stories. The contexts of our lives appear similar. Even
our personal professional landscapes have a sameness. There are stories of images of
perfection ruling our lives from before birth through the lives of our mothers before us.
Collisions with the glass ceiling throughout our careers are evidenced. Unequal relationships
are common to both our professional and personal stories. As women we share common
experiences of the world in both the private and public domains.
Pullinp it together: Examinin? the weaves. The narratives of all five women in this
study tell of split/dilernma/conflict encountered at some points in our lives during the
integration of family and career. Stories resonate from the life narrative of one participant to the
next. My own experience of split/dilemma/conflict is confirmed by the stories which Patricia,
Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine tell of their lives and which I restory. As I study their
narratives. in an attempt to come to understand my life and theirs, I find that the contexts of
participants' lives resemble the contexts of my own. The chronological ordering of our lives
resonates with simiIarities. This is not unexpected for the society in which we live orders the
patterns of our lives as children and as educators through family. school. church. the education
system. and other organizations. It is through education that our society perpetuates itself. The
observation that each of us faces similar dilemmas in our personal professional lives drives me
to investigate the ideals and realities of our lives at home and at school.
During the writing of my own narrative and my reading of the feminist literature. I discovered
that much of my split/dilemrna/conflict is inherent in the patriarchal society in which I live. The
inner turmoil. conflict. and fragmentation which I often experience is because my woman's
ways of knowing and of understanding the world are grounded in my being female and. as
such. are often incompatible with the male-centred and hierarchical society in which I live. It
appears that this split between the male and female experience of the world is the first and
major split from which much of the other split/ dilemrna/conflict in my life originates. As I
explore feminist writings. in light of my own narrative. this premise offers a plausible
explanation for my experience. It allows a new way of looking at the world, one which
acknowledges my woman's experience and my woman's way of knowing. It teaches me to
value myself. my experience. and my knowledge. It imagines new possibilities for not only my
life but for the lives of others. Feminist theory offers me a new way of looking at the world.
one in which I can move the split which resides within me to the outside. in order to examine it
within the context in which I live. I set out to explore my context in my efforts to heal the split
which exists between who I am expected to be and who I need to be as a woman in this world.
I begin with the academy.
The academy is the seat of higher education. Knowledge fiom the academy is valued, almost
revered. by our society. for it has been passed down through generations to us. and we. in
turn. pass that knowledge to our children. our future (Williams, 1991). The exception to this
honouring of traditional knowledge may be the present political era. described by some as a
period of neo-liberalism (Harris and Berger. 1997). This is a time when our world and
government agendas for education at schoois and universities are being corporately and
technologically driven. In the past it has been the academy which determines the canons--what
is worth knowing-and it is within this knodedge that our everyday worlds are ordered. Until
the introduction of women-s studies there was one world view of knowledge entertained in the
academy. that which Schick ( 1994) calls male Euro-centric knowledge. Woman's experience
of the world went unnoticed. Even now. decades after the inception of feminism. Monteath
( 1993) writes of the split which she experienced as a university student. She found that her
female knowledge and self were incompatible with the male-oriented knowledge of the
academy.
Within the academy. sociology is the discipline which studies societies and cultures. Dorothy
Smith. sociologist and mother. at some point in crossing back and forth between the worlds of
home and work. noted the transition in living and thinking required of her when moving from
the home to work and vice-versa. Smith's inquiry resulted in the birth of her concept of the
bifurcation of consciousness and from there she went on to develop a sociology from the
standpoint of women. one which begins from women's actual lived experience. From inside
the academic discipline of sociology in which she. as a woman. occupied a position of
marginality. Smith felt that she could better express what it was like to live within that
marginality than could those who lived outside it. Smith's standpoint of a woman allowed her
to examine and articulate sociology through her woman3 experience. In time she went on to
examine the institutional structures. the relations of ruling. and power around which society
and our lives are centred. Like Smith. I believe that. as a woman living in a patriarchal society.
I can describe the experience of what it means to live as a woman and educator within a
patriarchal system. I can examine the weave of my life of family and career and the lives of my
participants. as told in their narratives. and the contexts in which they are and continue to be
woven.
Examining the Weave: Illuminatin~ the Threads of S~Iit/Dilemma/Conflict
Explicit biographical interpretation takes place on two levels: the subject's interpretation
of her interactions and the biographer's interpretation of the subject's interactions
(Barry, 1989. p. 566).
In telling their narratives. Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine have provided the first
interpretations of their stories. My selection of field text for the purpose of restorying is another
stage of interpretation. My actual restorying of the stories which participants shared is actually
one more interpretation. As I speak to their stories and actions in light of my own experience I
provide yet another. Each interpretation is fimher removed from the actual lived-in experience.
As I interpret the readings with which I support my observations. I am 1 proceeding to yet
another stage of interpretation in the process of coming to find and understand the
spiit/dilernma/conflict of our lives.
SaIit/Dilemma/Conflict at home and in teacher education. Catherine is motivated to
graduate studies by her need for independence. For almost eight years, during the week and
sometimes even on weekends. she lives away from her husband. Doug. and their children. The
telephone becomes the link to home. As Catherine breaks away from the traditional story of
woman as stay-at-home mother--the story which her family, her husband's family, and many
of her friends expect her to live-her husband's role changes. He begins to live a non-
traditional story of husband and father. for he is left to do the day-to-day parenting in
Catherine's absence. Their children. too. learn to live a new story of family as the roles of
mother and father are altered. This impacts upon extended family and friends, many of whom
cannot understand Catherine's decision to pursue graduate studies. Whereas grandparents do
what they can to support the family. some friendships cannot withstand the change. No doubt.
there are other changes in rehionships because of the altered roles of husband. wife. children.
and other famiIy members. The changing roles within the family unit result in changes in
relationship not only with family but with friends. New stories of family and friendship are
created for. in many cases. the old stories of friendship and family can no longer be
maintained. Relationship and roles are interwoven.
Catherine meets split/diIemrnakonflict in the images which she has of teacher education and
those which her university has. As a teacher educator and administrator, Catherine lives a story
of relationship with students and sacrifices her persond time to mentor them. Catherine's
images of what teacher education should be conflict with traditional images. She breaks away
from the traditional story of teacher education when. as a graduate student. she introduces her
school-based teacher education program at the faculty where she pursues doctoral studies.
Catherine's acceptance of a contractual position at her graduate school Faculty places her in the
positions of administrator and teacher. and consequently because of workload she is forced to
neglect her thesis. In raising the profile of the Faculty and its image as a progressive institution.
Catherine pays a personal/professional cost. Her acceptance of the position delays the writing
of her dissertation for many years. and subsequently postpones her possible appointment to a
tenure-track position. It could be argued that her toss was countered by that fact that she gained
considerable experience and earned a salary. It also affects her students.
Catherine's approach to education is a feminist approach: her teaching is feminist praxis--a
bringing together of theory and practice for the purpose of improving teaching and learning.
She continually pushes the traditional boundaries of academia. particularly in teacher education,
just as she pushes the boundaries of traditionally-accepted images of woman as stay-at-home
wife and mother. She brines herself outside the home and into the Faculty and teacher
education outside the walls of her Faculty and into the school:. Relationship with students is
important to Catherine. She likes to observe her students on the out-of-classroom landscape
and mentors them on both a personal and professional level. Catherine wonders if she is doing
justice to her students by presenting herself as a role model for them for she commits excessive
amounts of rime and energy to her teaching and administration. She manages so many tasks
and such an amount of work. She sometimes wonders if she is setting up her students for
failure and frustration through the expectations which she has of herself and through her ability
to accomplish so much despite the lack of support which she sometimes endures. Her
commitment as a professional impacts upon her personal life. time. and relationships with
family and friends.
Research is important to Catherine. She wants and needs time to engage in research and writing
and strives to develop within her students an appreciation for and an understanding of
educational research. Eventually Catherine finishes her thesis and accepts a tenure-track
position at another university. It is nearer her home and she no longer has to commute.
Catherine feels that in this new position her creativity is harnessed for her school-based
approach to teacher education is in opposition to the traditional and conservative philosophies
of her new Faculty. However. one advantage of this conservatism is that she is no longer
responsible for the double duty of administration and teaching. Catherine can now concentrate
on her teaching. but there is a cost. She cannot be who she has always been; a creative and
innovative teacher educator. Her innovation and creativity remain evident in her teaching.
attitude towards research. and her conference presentations. It may be that Catherine will bring
about change on this conservative professional knowledge landscape through interactions with
her colleagues and students. At this point in time. however. Catherine finds it difficult to return
to a rather traditional program of teacher education after having experienced the freedom and
challenge of the school-based program. It seems that there is no happy medium for her. There
is either the double load of teaching and administration. which accompanies innovation. or the
constraints of a traditional pro, oram.
S~lit/Dilemma/Conflict grounded in imapes of perfection. Patricia attributes some
of the split/dilemrna/conflict which she experiences to the images of perfection which she
learned as a child at home. at school. and at church. Patricia was taught during childhood that
the questioning of authority is neither valued nor encouraged. and now questions how this has
affected her critical thinking and rekitionships. In her convent schools she becomes cognizant
of the competition which exists among the sisters. As I share in Patricia's story I become
aware of the strong influence of the church in her life. I also come to know the images which
a i d e that life: images of perfection which. until entry into university. control everything she U
does and develop within her a strict sense of scrupulosity.
Patricia remembers that as a child she wanted to be perfect in the eyes of her parents. her
teachers. and her God. She therefore looked outside herself for approval. In marriage and
career she attempts to achieve images of perfection in personal and professional relationships
and to mould her husband and children into her ideal images. Even though. at an intellectual
level she is aware of these images she says that they are so ingrained that. even as an adult, she
cannot free herself or depart from them complerely. Throughout childhood. Patricia continually
tries to achieve the state of perfection portrayed in the idealized images which are held up to her
at home. at school. and at church--the images of perfect student. daughter. wife. mother. child.
and husband. which her culture has set before her. At home. school. and church Patricia sains
approval through reflecting back to those in authority the ideal which they want to see. She also
learns that academic success brings its own rewards. As perfect child, excellent student,
pleasing woman. nurturing marriage parcner, and good mother to her children, Patricia receives
the approval she seeks and needs in order to feel good about herself, to be affirmed. and
validated. She develops a scrupulosity which is incompatible with the inner-self and her female
experience. Eventually she realizes that this scrupulosity can be detrimental to her survival. At
university Patricia is able to experience her Catholic faith not as docwine but as a living entity.
As Patricia's story unfolds we become aware of the changes which she wants to bring about in
her church and its teachings. She no longer accepts the idealized images which it has held
before her. She does not want to abandon her church and all of its teachings but wants to have
it respond appropriately to the spiritual needs of people in the twenty-first century, for she feels
that much of the moral teaching which she received from her church is standing her in good
stead. She wants theology without ideology: a theology which mediates between the culture
and religion (Lonergan, 197 1 ). Patricia wants to make her church a living entity. She wants to
make it meaningful in the context of today's living.
The stories of images of perfection which permeate Patricia's narrative resonate my experience
and that of Stephanie who. as an only child and. later. as wife. mother. and educator. tried to
be the best that she could be. Similar striving is evident in the lives of each of the participants.
It was often this striving for perfection which tired and drained us as we Lived the dual roles.
attempting to be angel in the house. "the good woman. who sacrificed herself for the care of
her husband. her children, and her home'' (Harris, 1994. p.3). and the angel at school who
tries to meet the needs of all children and others for whom we accepted responsibility. We
found the truth in what "Woolf told her 193 1 audience of would-be professional women that
the image of the idealized angel in the house was a phantom that profoundly influenced the way
in which women Iived their lives. yet as with all phantoms, it was elusive and difficult to
destroy" (Harris. 1994. p.3). We were reaching for an impossible goal. The concept of angels
brings me to the spiritual of our lives as mothers and teachers. An ethic of caring (Noddings.
1984) brings a spiritual component to both home and school.
When I ponder the idealization of motherhood (Dally, 1982) which Patricia and I share 1
wonder what is responsible for our perceptions--our thinking. Why do Patricia and I think of
pregnancy as a spiritual experience'? Is the reason found in the cultivation of the story of our
reason for being--reproduction and mothering--motherhood as an institution critical to the
survival of our pauiarchal society? Or is it the power of pro-creation. of having new life grow
within you. In referring to her children and partner. Patricia said she sees them. at this
panicular point in her life. as reflecting back to her the ideal images of adolescent and husband.
However. her daughter attempts on occasion to shatter the perfect image which she feels her
mother wants her to mirror. At times. my children. too. have shattered my images of
perfection. After my initial shock and eventual adjustment I have actually found that their
shattering of my images of perfection not only freed them but freed me, also.
As an educator Patricia brings a nurturing to teaching and administration. She speaks of a
school tragedy as being responsible for bringing the heart to the school. The head had always
been there. The merging of the head and heart in the school community gave school a deeper.
almost spiritual meaning. Spirituality is important to Patricia. She thinks of school as a
community and strives to create a safe and secure place for students. The role of schools in our
society has been one of keeping the status quo. and it is therefore difficult to bring about
change. Patricia and her principal. a member of the religious. succeed in bringing about
change. not only to the school community but into each other's thirkng and actions about
teaching and spirituality.
S~lit/Dilemrna/Conflict at home and in the bureaucracv. Stephanie's experience of
splir/dilemrna/conflict also appears to be grounded in images. Her narrative highlights the
themes of good little girl; conflict in returning to career: colIision with the glass ceiling: and the
wilt inherent in the teachings of the church (Margaret Lawrence in Maclean's, 1997) and 2
Adrienne Rich (Gelpi. 1976. p. 96). Stephanie feels the need to return to teaching as her
chldren become more independent. Her husband. Gary. feels her re-entry into teaching has the
possibility of disturbing the status quo to which he has become accustomed and of breaking the
pattern of a man's life which society has taught him ro expect. It seems that Gary does not want
to stray too far from society's predetermined pattern of a man's life and says that he will lend
his support only if he can be assured that there will be little deviation from that. Stephanie
carries a double load with. what she considers. little help from her husband. but some help
from the children. Eventually she realizes that, as a mother who now works outside the home,
she cannot devote the same amount of time to housework as she did when she was a stay-at-
home mom. She has to lower her standards in order to survive.
In returning to teaching Stephanie breaks away from the very traditional values to which her
husband's family adheres. She is behaving in ways to which her family members are
unaccustomed. She is shattering the traditional image of stay-at-home wife whose main duty
and desire are to nurture husband and children, cook. clean, and scour the house, and
entertain. Even before they have children. Stephanie and her husband accept his transfer
without question. and Stephanie. dutiful wife that she is. leaves her teaching position to follow
her husband. In the traditional story of marriage. it is her husband's position of employment
which is important. for he is expected to continue to support the family when children arrive.
while Stephanie is expected to nurture her husband. her children. and tend the house and her
husband' s career.
Conflicting images also create problems in Stephanie's world of work. She experiences
split/dilemma/conflict in her position at the Ministry. resulting from a difference between her
philosophy and that of her superordinates. Stephanie sees her position as one of teacher
advocacy. wherein she keeps teachers in the field informed, supplied with suitable resources,
and supported through the provision of suitable professional development activities.
Stephanie's superiors. however. consider that her first commitment should be to the smooth
running of the bureaucracy. As a result. she often finds herself writing speeches. taking care of
correspondence for her superordinates. and completing other tasks which she considers
unrelated to her position. These tasks take her away from what she perceives to be her
priorities as a consultant.
Whether teacher or Faculty member. Stephanie is very active in professional development. As
lead person for the province in her subject area she is denied access to professional
development activities because her attendance at such sessions might be perceived by the public
as the Ministry's frivolous spending. rather than its design to have its consultants aware of the
latest research and development in their respective subject areas.
The hiring practices of the Ministry cause anguish for Stephanie and a female colleague when
both are unsuccessful in their applications for promotion and the position for which they
applied is awarded to a male whom they and many of their colleagues consider much-less-
qualified and less suitable. Stephanie and her colleague get little satisfaction when they seek an
explanation for what they consider a rather unjustifiable decision of the part of the hiring
committee. There is almost no access to information about the way in which the appointment
was made. nor is there recourse to question or object to the appointment. Their questions go
unanswered. They are taught that it is futile to question authority. They are denied both in their
applications and in their quest for understanding. Stephanie and her colieague are silenced. The
hierarchy is closed and its actions protected.
Stephanie says that her return to teaching did not provide money for herself but rather money to
put toward the mortgage. She does not see the building of equity in her home as benefitting
her- This may be so because home ownership has always been the domain of men. Women
were not entitled to share in property until the Family Law Reform Act of recent years.
Stephanie sees herself as being left with no money for her efforts during those years. She is
also left with little time for self and the things which she enjoys outside her teaching. As a
means to survival she turns to treasured moments--moments of great aesthetic fulfillment. She
uses these times of reflection to recall moments of great beauty as refreshment-- a way to
nurture herself. Stephanie's love of her profession and her participation in it require so much of
her that she does not want either of her children to consider teaching as a career.
A s l i ~ h t l v different weave. Although Beth grew up in a traditional family context similar
to those of the other women in this inquiry. at some point the pattern changes. Beth learns to
live and tell new stories of a woman's life. Her weaving of experience begins to change. This
is particularly evident in the area of marriage and relationship. Beth is a feminist who breaks
the traditional teachededucator stereotype. She continually defends the equality rights of
teachers. in particular t h ~ s e of women. She is a risk-taker in both her personal and professional
life: pursues very unorthodox hobbies: and has risk-taking approaches to problem solving. In
her personal life Beth does not seem to experience the sane degree of split~dilemma~conflict
which many of us do. She does not need her husband's approval: nor does she look to her
relationship with her husband for her identity. happiness. and personal satisfaction. She
continues to cultivate strong friendships with female friends. She vacations without her
husband as well as with him. She also vacations with her female friends. It seems that Beth
had a distinct sense of who she was before she married. She was financially secure. owned
red estate. and was not depending on marriage and a husband for finances. approval, and a
sense of self. Beth's independence has resulted in a new relationship with her father. He now
looks to her for advice on matters which previously he would have reserved for discussion
with his son.
When approaching her teens Beth was confined to helping her mother do the household tasks
while her brother was permitted to follow their father as he did his chores. It seemed to Beth
that her brother-s activities with their father were probably far more interesting than the
household chores which she completed with her mother. Sometimes Beth was denied privilege
until her younger brother was ready. or old enough. to be accorded the same privilege. Therein
began Beth's conflict with her brother and father and her recognition that there was a difference
in the individual treatment which she and her brother received even as members of the same
family. The split/dilernma/conflict which Beth experienced in that childhood relationship with
her brother and family may have set the seeds for the political activism in adult life which is
based on her strong desire to change what she perceives to be unfair practices related to gender.
-Moving Towards Resolution of the Spiit/Dilemma/Conflict
As women. we seem to live in a world of binary opposites. and dialectics. It is interesting to
note how we. the women in this inquiry. attempt to resolve or respond to the
split/dilernrna/conflict in our lives. In some stories there may not have been an apparent
response. In others. the response may have been obvious. but was not one which brought
about some sense of resolution. In other stories it may have been that the woman felt that on
her particular personal or professional knowledge landscape, there was no recourse which
would allow resolution. In such instances participants and I may have left the
spIit/dilernrna/conflict unresolved. We my have continued to endure the tension. or we may
have attempted to block it out.
In dealing with the dilemma she faced in regard to the increased workload which resulted from
going back to work. Stephanie attempted at first to strive for the same standards which she C
found acceptable as a stay-at-home mother and wife. Eventually she found that she had to
lower her standards and give her sons the responsibility for making lunches and tidying their
rooms. She did not employ a housekeeper or housecleaning service. She kept the responsibility
as her own before sharing it with her sons. She does not indicate an actively changing role for
her husband in assuming household chores. At work. Stephanie has no recourse. but to keep
the bureaucracy running smoothly while teachers are left waiting for their curriculum
development materials and activities. She could not be who she felt she should be in this most
important job. Caught in the dilemma of the glass ceiling Stephanie once again was denied a
recourse. It was the prerogative of the bureaucracy to hire whomever they wished. No
explanation was owed unsuccessful candidates. The bureaucracy was all-powefil. Stephanie
and her colleague did not have to be answered. The rules and regulations did not allow it.
When faced with the realization that she was financially dependent upon her husband.
Catherine decided to go back to school. She did not hire a housekeeper to mind her young
children but left the responsibility to her husband to provide chld care when she was not there.
Both her husband's and her own parents were there to help. Catherine was able to leave her
children and not be shaken by the remarks and actions of family and friends who expected her
to be a traditional wife and Doug to be a traditional husband. When faced with the dilemma of
teaching and administering the field-based program Catherine persevered to meet the challenge.
She broke the stereotype of woman on both the personal and professional knowledge
landscapes only to be bound once more when she accepted a tenure-track position at a
conservative and traditional Faculty.
Patricia faced the spiit/dilemma/conflict of the religious and the laity which was based in
outdated church teachings and the needs of its people in modem times. by combining her
respect for the moral authority of her Catholicism and. at the same time, attempting to make it
meaningful in the present day. She had to move beyond the doctrinal teachings--the rules and
regulations of her church--to spirituality. In the first year of her marriage she worked hard to
maintain what she calls the doll house and the perfect marriage. but found i t was impossible.
She could not share this realization with family and friends but seemed instinctively to know
that it was important to have her husband pursue graduate studies in another province. This
cemented their relationship and their attendance at a new parish allowed them to enjoy the
Catholic church. It was during this time that their first child was conceived. Years later. when
she could no longer rely on her own strength and perseverance to care for her sickly newborn
child she drew upon her faith to sustain her. This allowed her to cope with the difficulties she
experienced during her child's illness.
Themes Across Our Lives
As participants told their stories. themes across their lives emerged. One of these was images
of perfection. As I listened to Patricia speak of images of perfection I realized that these same
images had ruled my own life. Whereas Patricia spoke of attempting to live up to images of
perfection. I spoke of trying to be the best that I could be in the many roles which I played as
woman- I thought of my inabiIity to share the story of my disintegrating marriage. There was
also a sense of failure. Was there something which I could have done to prevent the dissolution
of my marriage. I remember at some point in the early days of my relationship with the man
who became my husband. the father of my children. my Grandmother told me that if I were not
good to him. he would leave me. Naturally. I wondered in what way I might not be good to - him. Was I showing signs even at the age of sixteen of being uncomfortable living withn the
traditional script of womanhood? Did my Grandmother sense something in my behaviour. even
then? I am not sure how her words of caution impacted upon my behaviour and thinking.
Stephanie's split/dilsmma~conflict also appears to be based in images of perfection. which told
her what she should be as wife. mother, teacher. and Ministry consultant.
Images of perfecrion entrapped Patricia within a constant quest for scrupulosity: an ideal which
she eventually had to abandon in order to survive. Images of perfection drove Stephanie to
attempt to keep up the same standard of cleanliness and care after her return to work until she
eventually reaiized that it was impossible. Catherine. in wanting to provide the best teacher
education program possible. put her own academic life on hold for eight years. delaying her
appointment to a tenure-track position. Beth's images of what a woman's life should be
spurred her on to political activism and the improvement of conditions for women. My images
caught me in dilemma which I did not understand. and which constantly kept me in a state of
self-doubt.
Adjustin? the irna~es while intepratine familv and career. Upon returning to
teaching. Patricia and Stephanie had to adjust their images (Monteath. in Conversation. 1998)
of perfection. to come to some compromise between ideal and reality. They accepted
imperfection in working towards a new ideal. of integrating family and career. Whereas
Patricia's return to work seems natural. almost a matter of course. Stephanie encounters
opposition frorn her husband. Gary. when she informs him of her intent to return to the
classroom. He agrees to her returning to work as long as there is no disruption at home in the
status quo. It appears that Gary wants to continue in the traditional story of marriage. where
husband accepts responsibility for work in the public sphere but not within the private. While
his sons accept responsibility for cleaning their rooms and making their school lunches
(sandwiches). Stephanie's husband chauffeurs the children. but he will not assist with
household responsibilities. Patricia finds it difficult to maintain the images of perfection to
which she aspired. In her first year of marriage she attempted to have the picture perfect doll-
house and what she perceived to be the ideal marriage. She experiences similar difficulty with
her class at school and returns to university to ponder her future in teaching.
Catherine's husband. Doug. commits himself to the raising of two young children when
Catherine decides to pursue graduate studies in another city. Catherine lives away frorn home
during the week and returns for weekends except when work commitments and conference
travel prevents it. M y own husband readily shared housework. preparation of meals and
shopping when I returned to teaching. He drew the line at ironing. He did not complain about
my working and during the early years of my return to teaching was very supportive and often
came to school at night and on weekends to assist me. Sometimes even my children helped.
Eventually. this changed. Beth enters marriage with the intent of having her husband share
household duties. She has no intention of doing more than her share. but finds that there is a
difference between a person's doing and taking responsibility particularly as it applies to the
supervision of children's homework and music. Beth has told her husband that she gets great
satisfaction from her job and does not look to him for her sense of identity.
Career track. promotion. and elass ceiline: Interfering with the weave. None of
the participants in this study refers to entry into teaching as the beginning of a career. Teaching
seems a natural progression from school. a bridge between graduation and marriage. Most
participants continue to teach after marriage. leave upon the birth of their first child. and resume
teaching after their children reach a certain stage of independence. Beth's career is
uninterrupted by childbirth and children. Because of this. Beth my be the only one of the
participants to receive full severance pay at retirement, for in some provinces. women who stay
at home to be with their children in the formative years are denied access to h l l severance pay.
as contracts stipulate that severance be paid only for the years of unbroken service. As women
we are penalized for taking care of our children. Husbands who are teachers and fathers are
free to continue teaching when their wives stay home. Even though we teach the same number
of years required for full severance, we cannot collect for we have broken our service. It has
been my experience that many women are unaware of this until they prepare for retirement.
This may be because in the past we have tended to leave the negotiation of teacher welfare
issues to male teachers. Women are too busy taking care of relational matters of a more
personal nature. This point was brought home to me quite strongly one day when visiting the
Board Room of the Newfoundland and Labrador Teachers Association which celebrated its
centennial in 1992. Of the forty pictures of past presidents of an organization whose
membership is more than half women. there is only one woman among the group of men. Why
are the women not thereh? When will they be there'? How do we get them there?
Application for promotion sometimes presents obstacles for participants and me. Despite being
the most formally qualified of applicants. Patricia. Stephanie and I are unsuccessful in our
applications for a number of different positions in recent years. On those occasions when we
have contacted the employer for explanation we do not receive what we consider credible
answers. Ageism is suspected as a factor on one occasion. but it is difficult. if not impossible.
to prove. When Stephanie and her colleague are short-listed for the same position and are
passed over for a less-qualified male. they request explanation and are given the same
commentary--told that they had both come second in the competition. They receive no further
information. Beth. when being interviewed by the same organization for the second time,
having not made the shon list on the first occasion. tells the interview team that they had better
hire her this time. for this is their last chance. Beth is hired. Whereas most women feel lucky or
grateful at even being short-iisted and interviewed. Beth has what appears to be such
confidence that she can tell the prospective employer that it is now or never. It seems that
somehow Beth has learned to value her experience--to see its worth.
Many of us do not realize the worth of what we do. At a critique of my resumi as I neared
completion of this thesis. 1 was astonished when the reviewer suggested a cover-page listing
the highlights of my cuniculum vitae--education. research and curriculum development.
experience. and employment. As I looked at the newly-created highlights page. I found myself
exclaiming. "Who is this woman"? I did not recognize the woman on the page as the woman I
see each morning in the mirror. I have been taught throughout Life to look at the image reflected
back to me. not to look inward to the experience beyond the image. Yet I have always tausht
my children what I try to do myself. to look beyond the physical to what is inside the person
when speaking of others.
Participants and chan~e .
Personal narrative[s] ... allow us to see lives as simultaneously individual and social
creations. and to see individuals as simultaneously the changers and the changed.
PNG. 1989. p. 6 )
Narrative is a weaving and an intensleaving of stories. the process of creating a life. Whether in
weaving or in life. change is complex process. New patterns. like new dance steps. are
difficult to learn, particularly when you have been dancing a traditional dance all your life.
Even when self-imposed. change is resisted. and difficult to implement. It is even more
difficult to bring about change imposed by someone else. I examine the woven tapestry of my
life and that of my participants with the ultimate goal of change in the status quo. the way in
which we as women experience our being in this world. In this inquiry I am taking stories of
Iived lives and simplifying them for the purpose of understanding where change might benefit
both women and men and allow us to live in a more equitable society. I am not setting out to
prove a theory. but to further the conversation about women. our lives. and our experience.
Since life is education (Dewey. 1938: Connetly and Clandinin. 1988) I also examine how we
learn to be in this world of ours: what it means to be woman in a patriarchal society. The
dominant patterns and colours of male as valued. female as not. are intricately woven into the
tapestry of our lives. The socially prescribed. approved. and valorized patterns and colours of
maleness and masculinity. dominate the patterns and colours of the tapestries of our lives.
making them pale by comparison (Monteath. personal communication. 1998).
Although the participants in this study do not refer to themselves as agents of change they are.
for Patricia. Beth. Stephanie, and Catherine continually strive to improve the contexts in which
they live and work. Despite the split/dilemma/conflict and the constraints of their contexts. they
are not deterred in their desire to contribute to the improvement of their profession. They are
successful in bringing about improvements in teaching and learning as they engase in educative
processes in the Deweyan sense of education as life and life as education. Patricia has a deep
spirituality. Guided by the moral authority which she learned as a child, and possibly inspired
by her own willingness to find a sense of worth within herself. Patricia works to bring her
Roman Catholicism into the twenty-f~st century: to have her church understand ths experience
of women: to resolve the split between the patriarchal influences of her church and her
experience and wonh as a woman. She believes that the Roman Catholic church. in its present
form. does not meet the needs of its people and strives to change this: to transform her church
from an institution with a doctrinal focus to one of spirituality. Patricia believes that a
successhl school recognizes both subjective and objective ways of knowing and fosters both
affective (usually associated with the female) and objective (usually associated with the male)
learning. She. therefore. strives to bring both the head and the heart to education.
Stephanie spends years as a Ministry consultant trying to bridge the gap between the
bureaucracy and teachers working in the classroom. between theory (at the Ministry) and
practice (in the field). As a former teacher. she is in touch with the problems which teachers
face each day. She believes that change is not only necessary but possible. As a member of the
bureaucracy she sees ways in which the necessary changes can be brought about to increase the
quality of teaching and learning for both teachers and students. Her superiors within the
bureaucracy. however. see Stephanie's roie differently. They take her from the work which
would have improved conditions in the field and use her abilities to keep the bureaucracy
running smoothly and on time. Nevertheless. she volunteers her abilities and energies to
organizations which can impact positively upon teachers in the field. In retirement she does the
same. When she first returns to work, Stephanie's business trips take her away from her
chiIdren and husband. Before departing she must have not only her professional life in order
but also her personal. Her work at School. or Ministry is left in order and. at home. meals are
prepared. and washing and ironing done.
Beth works incessantly for change in the lives of women. She lives her theories of feminism-
practises what she preaches-and appears to experience less split/dilemma/conflict than the
other participants. This may be because there are no children involved. A large part of Beth's
energy and creativity is spent in co-operation with women and men in attaining rights and
improved working conditions for teachers. She assists friends and colleagues prepare for
leadership roles so they. too. may work to change the realities of women's lives. Beth is very
conscious of equality and the improvement of conditions for women in the daily situations and
interactions of both personal and professional life. She brings feminism to her daily
interactions with family and friends. It is a part of who she is. It is in her theory and her
practice. Beth has the courage or confidence to address what she sees as discriminatory to her
and to other women?.
Catherine brings opportunity for change to the undergraduate division of her graduate school
with the introduction of a school-based teacher education program which bases the student-
teacher practicurn in the actual school context. thereby enriching not only the lives of the
teacher education students. but those of the school's teachers and students. As
teacherhdministrator in this program she strives to bring about positive change for Future
students of her teachers in training and acknowledges her commitment to children as yet
unborn. Catherine's belief in the importance of relationship with students takes considerable
time during the day and evening. Although this research project took additional time during the
very early morning and late evening. Catherine valued the opportunity it presented for
individual and shared reflection. Catherine breaks down the barriers which restrain her both at
home and at the Faculty.
Participants. curriculum. and an ethic of care. An ethic of caring permeates the
professional activities of each participant. Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine seek to
provide students and colleagues with the best possible conditions for learning and spends many
hours in preparation beyond those required by the boards. faculties, and ministries. All seek
relationship with students. Catherine feels that it is important to know her students outside the
classroom situation and. when involved in the field-based program often spent hours
socializing with them and mentoring them in both their personal and professional lives. While
employed at her graduate school. she spent ail of her waking hours involved in profession-
related activities. Catherine's students benefitted from the fact that she needed very little sleep
and did her parenting by telephone and on weekends. Many times during this inquiry we
shared meals early in the morning or late at night. As both teacher and administrator in her
school-based teacher education program Catherine carried a double load. Beth made herself
available even while on holiday to be of assistance to those who needed her. Patricia spent
countless hours in study. school work. and even volunteered with her husband to lead church
groups. L
Life-long learn in^. Participants in this study were life-long learners before the term was
popularized. The teaching of each participant is informed by the latest in research. Each woman
has graduate research experience and is familiar with the latest literature in her area. All
participants attend conferences and are involved in curriculum development committees. Each
believes in keeping current. and has studiedtrained beyond the minimum requirements for a
provincial teaching license. Money is not an incentive for study for each has reached the top of
the salary scale. Each of the participants has attained graduate degrees and at the time of this
study several of them continue to be involved. to varying degrees, in further study.
Patricia attends conferences and retreats: she studies and presents papers as she searches for
new images of church and spirituality. She is caring and concerned. She sees education as a
spiritual act and reflects upon her life and work. Beth works in an area which requires that she
keep current in her area of expertise. It is critical that she be aware of day-to-day changes in
teacher welfare and professional development issues. Stephanie as teacher, university
professor. and curriculum developer for the Ministry. also had to be aware of the latest
research in her discipline. As cunicuiurn consultant she was responsible for keeping her
teachers and colleagues informed of the best practices and how to implement them. Whether
her responsibilitv was for a class of children. or a province's teachers. Stephanie kept current.
Participants recognize the social construction of knowledge and enjoy sharing their experience
with others. They make time in their busy lives to share their expertise and to learn from
others. also. They put much effort into their work. and they expect the same of their students
and colleagues. Mi have a keen interest in research and expect their colleagues and students to
be interested. also. Catherine expects and encourages her student teachers to share her respect
for research.
Adiustino the weave: find in^ reiief from the s~lit/dilemma/conflict. Stephanie
finds release from the hectic pace of family and career in her treasured moments. Catherine tries
to find relief through being non-committal about her time. Beth makes time for her hobbies.
Patricia does not mention how she finds release. I walk.
As I read the transcripts of my conversations with Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. and Catherine. I
wonder about many things. How can we better sustain ourselves through
split/dilemrna/conflict? How do we feel about the lack of support which we receive in bothour
personal and professional worids where we are given the form. but not the substance (Lindsey.
personal communication. 1998 )--given the position but nor the wherewithal to carry out the
responsibilities'? We are made to play by the rules which do not accommodate our needs and
experiences as women. We are expected to improvise. to make something from nothing: to find
time where there is none: and to do without the space and time in which to carry out our duties.
We try. We do the best we can. but with frustration. When Stephanie. her colleague. and I
question the board. kderation. and ministry we are silenced. Our voices go unheard. This adds
to our split/dilemma~conflict. We are not allowed to question authority even as adult women.
When we are denied answers and the space. time, and resources to do our work, it causes
undue hardship. It also causes frustration which affects our very being. It plays itself out in our
personal and professional relationships. self concepts. and feelings of self-worth.
How do Patricia. Beth. Stephanie. Catherine. and other women who are caregivers. life-long
learners. and change agents respond to that which denies their experience and voice in the
context of their everyday worlds'? We must look beyond the home. the school. the city or
town. to the power of the province and the nation. possibly even the world. We must look to
the larger context of the social narrative. We must think of the changes which we can help
bring about. The changes which we can make in our personal professional lives will lead
eventually to changes in the larger picture of the social narrative.
Chapter Eleven
find in^ New Meaning
As we study the forms of our own experience. not only are we searching for
evidence of the external forces that have diminished us: we are also recovering
our own possibilities. We work to remember, imagine, and realize ways of
knowing and being that can span the chasm presently separating our public and
private worlds. (Grumet. 1988. p. xv)
Looking Back: The Thesis Process
Whv I did this studv. Shortly before I entered graduate school my marriage ended.
Nothing had prepared me for the loss of my identity as a married woman and the effect it had
on my self-concept. my life. relationships. and the stories I told of my life. I was baffled.
reeling. and rudderless.
Somehow 1 sensed a link between my being employed as a teacher and what I then considered
to be the failure of my marriage. It was important for me to know if indeed my teaching had
affected my marriage and contributed to the divorce. What could I have done differently? I
wondered if other women who lived the dual role experienced tensions similar to those which I
experienced. Was my story of the integration of family and career also their story? Were there
educational implications in my experience?
A serendipitous encounter with institutional change during M. Ed studies provided me an
understanding of professional change. A year later when enrolled in Ph.D. studies at the Centre
For Teacher Development at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education I would once again
study change. At the Centre I found a safe and sensitive community in which I was encouraged
to reflect upon my professional life and practice. In the process I came to realize that to explore
the professional is to explore the personal. Eventually I would conduct this study to gain an
understanding of the tensions which I experienced while integrating family and career.
In a Foundations of Education course I was introduced to narrative. an experientially-based
methodology based on the philosophy of education as life. life as education (Dewey, 1938) and
to the teacher knowledge concept of curriculum as the course of one's Life (Connelly and
Clandinin. 1988). My introduction to narrative as methodolorn was unsettling. In time I
realized that I teach who I am; that personal and professional are inseparable. It was when
reflecting upon my stories of life with family and career that I discovered, throughout my
stories. threads of what I later termed split/dilemma~conflict .
At the same time that I was studying narrative as methodology I studied "Women as Change
Agents in the Schools." This course introduced me to the world of feminism. and I quickly
learned that narrative methodology and feminist studies were complementary. The intent of
both feminist studies and narrative inquiry is to bring about change. Feminism strives to bring
about equality for women: narrative seeks to improve teaching and learning. The lines between
the two are often blurred. Feminist studies give voice to the experience of women. Narrative
looks to experience to learn about teachers and teaching. In feminist studies I learned to name
the world of patriarchy and. in narrative methodology. I learned to articulate my previously
untold woman's experience of the world. I concluded that both narrative and women's studies
allowed a deeper understanding and increased participation in the other. Both gave me the
opportunity necessary to explore the relationship between my personal and professional
identities.
In the safety of the Curriculum Foundations Class I moved from the isolation of my own
experience to community with the group. and I found that my experience of the world as
woman and teacher was not unique. In doing so I gained an affirmation and a strength. New
understandings brought an ever-evolving new-world view. Sometime after the disruption of
divorce and the unsettling experience of my introduction to narrative inquiry, I would come to
Ieam that the sphntering and fracturing of my identities as married woman and traditional
researcher would result in new ways of looking at the world. Narrative would provide the
vehicle for research into my own experience. the experience of others. and the experience of
working in a new methodology. It would accommodate my inquiry. and dlow me to determine
if there were stories, other than mine. of integrating family and career. Could the personal and
professional be integrated without the split/dilemmalconflict which I had experienced? Could I
take what I then considered my mis-educative experience of divorce and turn it into an
educative experience, one which would allow me to grow. rather than one which would have
"the effect of arresting or distorting the growth of future experience" (Dewey. 1938. p. I )?
What I did in this studv. In this tri-strand study I used narrative methodology to inquire
into my life of family and career: the personaVprofessional lives of four women educators
whom I admire and whose work I respect: and my initial experience with the process of
narrative inquiry. Since my primary interest was to explore the tensions which women
experienced in the integration of family and career, I gathered storied accounts of our
experience through interviews which I later transcribed. I then reconstructed these accounts by
weaving excerpts from the transcripts of interviews with my own comments. I included, within
the reconstructed narratives of my participants. those passages related to thls topic.
I was supported in my work by the literature from education and women's studies. and also
through conversations with friends and colleagues. I read and reread my restoried accounts and
other data to find the similarities and differences in our lives. I then interpreted our experiences
from the perspective of an educator who is in the process of acquiring an evolving feminist
perspective.
My interviews were supplemented by field text from various sources as my relationship with
each woman went beyond that of researcher and participant to become one of colleague and
friend. My relational windows on participants' lives authenticated the stories they told: made
their stories what I considered to be their truth. Within my restoried accounts of each of my
participant narratives I resonated my own experience and posed questions. This weaving
together of my experience. the experiences of my participant's. and my questions is intended as
an invitation to draw you. the reader. into the inquiry process, to encourage you to reflect upon
your own experience. and consider the reasons for your experience being what it is.
What I Learned Throwh This Studv
The quality of experience has two aspects. There is an immediate aspect of
agreeableness or disagreeableness, and then there is the influence upon later
experiences. The first is obvious and easy to judge. The effect of an experience is nor
born on its face. It sets a problem for the educator.
(Dewey. 1938, p. 27)
As a result of this inquiry into The PersonallProfessionaI Lives of Women 1 have concluded
that in examining the personal and personal spheres of my life I was actually inquiring into my
identity and the identities of my participants as we lived the stories of the illusory "liberated
woman". the woman who appears to effortlessly combines family and career. Stephanie,
Catherine. Patricia. and I continued to teach after rnamage until we became mothers. Beth did
not have to interrupt her career. Stephanie left her teaching position when her husband was
transferred. As we. with the exception of Beth. moved back into teaching following the births
of our children we attempted to maintain our personal and professional identities throughout
our stories. We had lived by certain staries--created certain identities for ourselves-as married
women. as mothers. and as teachers. Living the teacher story as single woman was somewhat
different from living the story of teacher as married woman. Living the story of teacher whde
also Living the stories of wife and mother meant having to attempt to blur the lines between the
three identities. to integrate the stories we wanted to live by and tell in each-the purposes of
our lives.
I told stories of my life both at home and at school. However. the stories which 1 live by
change with my context. knowledge. and identity. My identity. who I was in each place. had
evolved from a history (Connelly and Clandinin, 1998. p. 1 14). Each identity was woven from
my images of who I wanted to be and who I was becoming. As teacher I was attempting to live
the sacred story. that of being the teacher which society, the School Board, and even I
sometimes wanted me to live. At home I was wanting to live the stories and images which I
had internalized of what a good mother and wife should be. During my four and one half years
as vice-principal I lived on the in-and out-of-classroom space on the professional knowledge
landscape where I had one identity as teacher and another as vice-principal. I wanted to
continue my story of being a well-respected and caring teacher even when an administrator. I
wanted to continue to live the story of the loving mother and daughter and other within my
family stories.
Doctoral studies had brought increased understandings of my profession, my world, and
myself. My new identity was evolving. I had a new vision of administration. On the
professional knowledge landscape 1 wanted to continue to live my graduate school vision of
administration. I was a teacher. I was an administrator. Even though each resided within the
one person each identity had its parameters. I attempted to blur the lines between the two. I
would be the best teacher administrator I could be.
Both positions had parameters or borders of space and time. which I had to cross daily
(Connelly and Clandinin. 1998. p. 125). In the split position of teacher/adrninistrator I was
continually stepping across the borders from teacher to administrator, from adrninistrator to
teacher. There were times when I had to work though both identities. When acting as in loco
parentis. I often faced the task of integrating the three identities of teacher. parent. and
administrator. How could I integrate my stories of parenting, teaching. and administration
without split/dilemma/conAict'? Sometimes as an administrator I was requested to act in a way
which went against what I believed as a teacher and a parent. An example of this is my reaction
to the policy of disallowing early-arriving children entry to the school before the designated
time.
What I learned about s~~it/dilemma/conflict. This study confirmed my stories and
experiences of the integration of family and career. the complexities of our lives, and the
existence of split/dilemma/conflict. However. I did not find resolution to the
spliddilemma/conflict of my storied experience. Even at the end of this inquiry.
spliddilemma~conflict remains part of me. resides within me. It is part of my identity as a
women. embedded within my images and idealizations of the roles defined for us. It is in the
embodied knowledge of my woman's experience. My identity is also in the stories 1 tell. the
stories I live by. -'the thread [which] helps us understand how knowledge. context and identity
are linked and can be understood narratively". . . . These "Stories to live by are shaped by such
matters as secret teacher stories, sacred stories of schooling and teachers' cover stories"
(Connelly and CIandinin. 1998, p. 4).
In my personal life the stories I live by are shaped by the sacred, secret. and cover stories of
mv former marriage and my familv. In both the personal and professional selves my sense of
identity was influenced by moral. emotional. and aesthetic dimensions (Connelly and
Clandinin, L998. p. 118). Who I could be was often taken out of my hands by the policies and
stories of other people. Therein lay another source of my split/dilemma/conflict
-My identity is grounded in my stories for it is my personaVprofessional stories. the stories I tell
and the stories others tell about me. which shape me and give meaning and purpose to my life.
The stories grow out of my experience. But how do I cany this experience with me? I carry it
as embodied knowledge. that which is lodged in my bones. in my being. My senses remind me
of this embodied knowledge when I smell wood smoke and regardless of where I happen to be
I find myself carried back in time to a sunny morning some thirty or more years ago when I
lived in Trinity. Trinity Bay. as a young married woman. As I walked up the steep hill to my
two-room school behind our house and the Royal Bank of Canada of which my husband was
the manager. I stopped to glance out over the bay. A large two-storey house was being pulled
up the bay by a number of motor boats. What an unusual sight. particularly for a city girl. 1
never could have imagined that houses could be moved in such a manner. The smell of the
wood smoke was pungent. Each time I smell woodsmoke I am revisited by the images of the
floating house and myself as 1 looked out at the bay. . . . The smell of a certain cologne worn
by a passer-by on the streets of Toronto brings back memories of my former husband; another
fragrance brings happy thoughts of my elder son. Paul. The smell of baby powder transports
me through the years back to the baby days, my time as new mother. The smell of home-baked
bread brings me to my mother's kitchen. The images stir not only my emotions but my
thoughts of what is right and what is wrong.
The images bring back the experience and my reactions to it. As these images come to mind it
is not only my senses. emotions. and mind which responds. My whole being seems to be at
work. These experiential images "have a historical character both. in their origin and in their
reconstruction of past experiences to meet the demands of a particular situation. But
experiential images also have a future character" (Clandinin. 1983. p. 135). They also have
emotional and moral dimensions which are the "Glue which binds together the personal private
and educational life of an individual" (Clandinin. 1983. p. 136). The images guide my
thinking. feeling. and actions. They set parameters or borders for behaviour in every
interaction and situation. determine my senses of right and wrong, pleasure and pain. The
images determine who I am and who I will be.
In the process of writing this thesis I further defined the split/dilemma/conflict which I
experienced as my responsibilities at home and at school competed for my time. ener,g. and
attention. I have come to realize that the split which I experienced and sometimes continue to
experience is inherent in that which Smith (1987) describes as bifurcation of consciousness. I
experienced one consciousness at home. another at school. each consciousness a part of my
identity in its respective place and the stories which guided my purpose or meaning in both. I
experienced conflict as I was pulled in different directions by my loyalties to both home and
school. My dilemma was in my being unable to resolve the situations. be true to my idealized
images and the stories I wanted to live in both.
I have concluded from this study that the split/dilemma/conflict which I experience is grounded
in my reality as a woman in a patriarchal society. I live a split in which my woman's experience
noes unacknowledged. for it is incompatible with the relations of ruling which govern our C
society. I experience the dilemma as I attempt to make choices within t h s context. I experience
contlict as I am caught between men's minds and women's matters (Monteath, 1993). Do I
realize my needs as a woman'? Do I meet my needs or do I strive to meet the expectations
imposed upon me by men's minds in a patriarchal world? How do I bring about change?
As a professional. I had considered myself a liberated woman for I worked outside the home.
.As I analyzed my nmarive I began to refer to my liberation as illusion My rmZity was that in
working outside the home I was not liberated but caught in the double duty of home and
school. There were similarities in the life I Iived at home and the life I lived as an educator. In
women's studies the stories of my experience changed. I learned to go from looking at divorce
as failure to considering it a new beginning. an opportunity for personal and professional
growth. This allowed me to work through and move beyond some of the pain which my
children and I had experienced. 1 found myself wishrng that I had possessed a feminist
consciousness at a much earlier age.
I found that my divorce which occupied such a position of prominence at the beginning of my
reflections and inquiry was embedded in a much larger problem of which I was unaware. In
the beginning of this thesis I storied that loss of identity which I experienced with the loss of
my marriage. 1My long-held images of who I was disappeared with the shattering of the sacred
story of my marriage. My identity had been storied in my marriage. At the end of this study I
realize that my identity had been lost in other ways. My identity as an independent woman was
already lost within my marriage. in the stories of a women's life which I was attempting to live
out in marriage. That identity was gone with my ambition to earn the doctorate in chemistry
which I wanted as a sixteen-year-old. My identity was lost in the sacred story of being a
teacher. subsumed within the images contained in the rhetoric of teaching. I was to meet the
needs of all students in accordance with the sacred story of school board policies. The identity I
wanted as an administrator was lost in the stories and policies of a school board which
determined that my work and my professional self would be according to its demands and not
my vision.
There was no room for the administrative story I wanted to live: the story of administration as
advocacy for students and teachers- There was only room for the stories which the School
Board permitted within the confines of its policies. Administrators were to enforce School
Board policy: to keep the school running smoothly. When I lived on this professional
knowledge landscape as half-time teacher and half-time administrator I was caught between
two stories which I could not integrate; between two identities, my identity as a teacher and my
identity as a administrator. This split appointment and subsequent split identity on the
professional knowledge landscape originated in the government's story of the allocation of
teachers and educational funding. I wanted to live a story in which who I was as a teacher
could enhance who I was as an administrator--a story in which my knowledge of what it was
to be a teacher would inform my story of administration and make it one of teacher advocacy.
Board policy did not encourage and frequently would not allow me to do that. This was what
Robert. the principal. was telling me when he said that I could not be in teaching and
administration, too.
The School Board's story was one of hierarchical power. Teachers were at the bottom of the
hierarchy. I did not consider myself apart from the teachers. I wanted to live a story as
administrator where 1 was also one of the teachers: where teachers shared in the administration
of the school. The Board's story of administration placed me between my Loyalty to the Board
and my loyalty to teachers. My story as teacherhdministrator was one of split identity for the
School Board's model of administration would not allow the blurring of the lines between my
teaching and my administration. It was extremely difficult, often impossible. to be loyal to the
teachers and the Board simultaneously. In trying to do so I frequently encountered
split/dilemrnal conflict. Was I teacher or administrator? Why did I have to choose? What was
missing? Was my expectation that administrators and teachers could share what had been
administrative power such an impossible idea or was it that the School Board's story of
administration as hierarchical power was impossible to change? Why was there no way of
mediating the situation so that teachers. administrators. and board personnel were each
affirmed?
-Many of the problems which my participants and I experienced as women appear to be inherent
in the split between the world in which we live. the worlds of family and career, the private and
the public spheres of our lives. The system which bas made women's work in the home
invisible has done the same to women's work in schooIs. faculties, ministries of education.
and churches. too. Nevertheless. I am learning through narrative inquiry to restory and create
an identity which more closely resembles that which 1 want. Sometimes. however. I am still
caught in the old images--the stories which I Iived by. the stories which gave my life purpose--
stuck in the often recursive process of transformation through narrative methodology. although
I continue to see new and unimagined possibilities ahead. I live in hope of change. Where do I
find it?
I find i t in the stories we tell and in the conscious attempts we afterwards make to bring about
change in the context in which our stories are lived and created. As women we are complicit in
our stories and sabotaged by the moral ambiguities of our lives and relationships both at home
and at school. As educators we perpetuate the hierarchy, the very system which constrains us.
We teach a history which omits women. We do not recognize the social structures which
constrain us and relegate us to supporting roles to males and therefore we do not work to
change them. The stories we live do not create an awareness of the gender divide. We live
within the hierarchical institutions which do not respect us as women. We do it without
complaint. Where are the stories which School Boards tell of gender equality? How important
are equity rights to Boards. Federations, Faculties, and Ministries? What are the classroom
stories which teachers tell of gender equality? Who encourages us to recognize and articulate
them? Who gives us space and place to tell them'? I ask these questions at a time when the
Federation of Women Teachers of Ontario has merged with a men's union. 1 ask, "Why" and
"How could this have happened when we so badly need people to assist women to recognize
and counteract the inequality in our world"? This is just another reminder of "how the politics
of restructuring has eroded many of the common sense understandings of politics that
Canadians have shared for the past fifty years. and how these changes have challenged the
survival of the Canadian women's movement" (Brodie. 1995, p. 10).
What I learned about mv ~ar t i c i~ants - In this study I gained an understanding of the
tensions which I experienced in the integration of family and career. and found that Beth,
Patricia. Catherine. and Stephanie experienced similar tensions in the dual role of family and
career. Not only was there resonance across the stories we told of family and career. there was
also resonance across our narratives. The patterns of our lives, with the exception of Beth's
were similar: birth. school. university. teaching. marriage, teaching, birth of children. return to
teaching, and eventually the pursuit of graduate studies. We were each making changes and
wanting to make further changes. Graduate studies was an acceptable way of doing that.
It appears that each of us came from and entered into white. middle-class. nuclear families and
brought a correspondingly strong work ethic to our profession. We took pride in our work and
sought approval in performing weI1. We had loving parents who did their best to provide for
us. Music and art lessons were made available for some of us. My parents sacrificed to give me
music lessons. Catherine's parents found the money for her art lessons.
Church played a prominent role in our lives. For Patricia. Stephanie. Catherine. and me the
teachings of the church were also the teachings of the home and the school for our schools
were church schoots. run by the Roman Catholic and Anglican denominations. We were taught
to be sood. to honour and obey God. to respect our elders. and not to question authority. We
looked for approval outside ourselves. Our Lives were patterned.
Rhythms and patterns are established in relationships. The before- and after-marriage patterns
of living and the after-the-arrival-of-children patterns are extremely hard to break even when
we want to. Regardless of the reasons for returning to teaching the return of participants to the
classroom interfered with the patterns established earlier in their lives. The reasons for wanting
to go back to teaching were varied. Catherine went back to seek financial independence.
Stephanie and I missed the ebb and flow of school. Beth did not give up her career when she
married. I continued teaching when I married, resigned my position several times to stay at
home with my children or to accommodate my husband's transfers, but E always returned to
the classroom .
In their decisions to return to teaching some of the participants received support from their
husbands while others did not. Catherine's husband cared for the children during the week.
Stephanie's husband would chauffeur only. Patricia's husband supported her as did mine-
Beth went into marriage with the stated expectations of her husband's support. Even when
husbands were supportive of our working outside the home there still remained that difference
between completing certain tasks and actually taking responsibility for them.
As the roles of some of these women changed the roles of their husbands changed to varying
degrees. While some husbands were willing to accommodate a high degree of change in their
patterns of living and their stories of marriage others fought to keep the status quo. Catherine's
husband took care of the children during the week while Stephanie's husband chose to
chauffeur only ..
Teaching seems to have been a natural choice or progression from high school, for three of the
participants entered teacher education immediately after graduation. Beth entered teaching when
she was unable to enter medicine- At the time of graduation I had wanted to study chemistry.
Instead. I studied to become a high-school teacher. but actually began my career as a music and
Grade Five teacher. Eventually I went to Halifax to study primary methods and continued to
teach in the primary/elernentary school. In time. each of the participants, with the exception of
Beth. sought fulfillment as both mothers and teachers. As young women, neither Patricia,
Beth. Catherine. Stephanie. nor I talked about setting goals and planned the courses of our
careers. Instead. we went with the flow. wherever our husbands employment and life took us.
For several of us graduate studies was an improvisatory response to some realization or
disruption in our lives. After a very trying year as a classroom teacher. Patricia chose to go to
graduate school to ponder her future. When the reality of her first year of marriage was not
what she had imagined it should be. she encouraged her husband to attend graduate school in
another province. I began graduate studies as an improvisatory response to my marriage break-
up. Catherine began graduate studies when she came to the realization as a married woman that
she needed to be financially secure. Stephanie does not articulate her reasons for pursuing
graduate studies. Beth began graduate studies before marriage when encouraged by a friend.
The pursuit of graduate studies removed us. to varying degrees, from home life. There were
long periods of time when we had to live out of suitcases and fly thousands of miles around the
world to study. Those of us who had children were forced to leave at least some of them at
home with their fathers. When we were forced to leave our families--separate the personal and
professional--in order to study. our behavior was called into question not only by others but by
ourselves. I found myself having to justify my actions. I even had to rationalize them for my
own benefit. We told stories of our identities as educators and also as family members for we
lived our personal lives in one location and our professional in another. The personal and
professional landscapes were geographically distant. It was difficult to integrate family and
career even when they were located in the same geography area. When the personal and
professional landscapes were hundreds. even thousands. of kilometers apart, the integration of
family and career presented even greater challenge.
Each of us worked for change-to make the school a better place in which to live. learn, and
teach. We worked to ensure the improvement of conditions for children and students. We
appeared unconcerned about our own lives. Beth was the only one who consciously integrated
feminism into her life. Catherine stepped outside certain of the ropes which traditionally
restrain women and teacher educators as she lived away from her home and took teacher
education programs away from the faculty and into the schools. Patricia took on the role of
redefining the church. Stephanie worked to make teacher advocacy a priority at the Ministry.
The women in this story worked extremely long hours. We worked to change the working
conditions of teachers and students in order to improve their learning and teaching. Patricia
strove to create community within the school and to bring the heart to education. Stephanie
sought to improve curriculum. Beth wanted to raise a feminist consciousness withm her friends
and colleagues. Stephanie and I had both concluded that we would not want our children to
enter the teaching profession which we both had loved. We did not want them our children to
give of'rhemselves as we had. for we were afraid that they would be no better at taking care of
themselves than we were. However. in trying to protect them we were also denying them the
possibility of experiencing the joy and satisfaction which comes from working with students.
The women in this study are change agents. but the changes which they attempt to bring about
are often at great cost to themselves. Here. too. their work is invisible. Catherine's extreme
efforts do not result in the faculty hiring her in a tenure stream position. She has to go to
another faculty for that. Stephanie's dedication as a ministry consultant and her national and
international work go unnoticed in her home province but gain international attention. Her
work on the professional knowledge landscape, like the housework she does at home to keep
the status quo which her husband has been led to expect on his particular landscape. is made
invisible.
Patricia works to bring about change in the church. the very institution which gladly accepts
her servitude but disallows her from consecrating the bread and wine of communion. As a
teacher. I have worked hard to teach the canon we11 and to ensure the status quo without
realizing that the very education which I brought to my male and female students was my
oppressor. The very cumculum which I taught promoted male as normative and woman as
inferior. As a teacher I was disadvantaging the boys and girls in my Kindergarten room and in
my school for I did not yet have access to the knowledge of feminism which Beth had. Beth
teaches me that we can help bring about positive changes for women. I believe that at the same
time we can also impact positively on the lives of men and children. Beth is making a
difference not only in her professional relationships but in the personal. She has integrated
feminism into her life.
There was no room within the policies of the church's hierarchy for the story which Patricia
wanted to tell of her church. Stephanie wanted to live her story of life and career with support
from her husband. but her husband's very traditional story of marriage would not allow it. At
the ministry Stephanie could not live the story of consultant as she wanted to. Instead of being
able to create a story of advocacy for teachers. she had to assume one of supporting the
bureaucracy. The important plot in the ministry story was the smooth running of the
bureaucracy and not the support of the students and teachers. No doubt the bureaucracy 's
sacred and cover stories would not admit to this secret story.
The professional identities which we wanted to achieve as educators were impossible.
Stephanie was taken from her own work to write speeches and prepare agendas to keep the
bureaucracy running. Her secretarid services were taken away. and she was expected to use
the computer without training. In my experience the same was expected of teachers when they
were required to complete report cards by using computer templates with little or no training.
The time which we needed to be pro-active in our positions was taken from us by tasks which
could have been easily completed by increased clerical staff. However, there were few suppon
staff and even fewer resources. Catherine referred to herself as the bag lady during the period
when she constantly carried her administrative and teaching resources with her in several large
bags because she had no office. When I was appointed in the wake of the enforced
appointment of the principal with whom I worked, 1 was given no support. nor was he. We
were Left to our own devices to create a safe and caring community for students. s t a . and
parents. The Board bowed out. Was it that they thought we were quite capable of handling the
situation, or was it that they did not care'?
Policy. whether at the ministry. the school board. or faculty. complicated our lives and caused
us to be pulled in many directions. The opportunity for us to do our work easily was not there.
However. in spite of the system we managed. But how much more could we have
accomplished if we had been supported in our work? How would our roles and lives been
different?
In thinking about this connection about the way we as women enter into relationship both in
teaching and in marriage I call to mind the day that Robert and I met for a personal interview
before my actual appointment to the position. I remember how after looking at my formal
qualifications and experience in teaching, he had said that in addition to these he wanted my
"trust. loyalty. and honesty." I laughed and flippantly replied "You want a marriage not a vice-
principalship." At the time I dismissed the exchange. However. in reflecting on my own life 1
found that the roles I played at home and at school were not very different. The very ethic of
caring that was necessary to marriage was also necessary in my teaching and administration. Ln
both cases I found little time for self. In both cases I played a supporting role to a man and a
caring role to the children. In both places the images to which I aspired were unattainable.
What I discovered about the Drocess of narrative inauirv. In the process of writing
this thesis I have come to realize what is involved in the writing of a narrative thesis and how
the context of the writing impacts upon the process. I have come to experience the dichotomy
which the process of narrative inquiry presents in the lives of women students as it both frees
and constrains us. Narrative inquiry gives us the freedom to voice our experience within an
academic setting. but at the same time it constrains us with extraordinary demands on our time.
The time. effort. and commitment required for the narrative-thesis journey does not fit in easily
with the demands on a woman's life. In my particular case it removed me from the mainstream
of my personal life. At the same time that narrative inquiry frees a woman's stories of
experience. it restrains her through increasing the complexities of her life.
We tell our stories to empower ourselves but in doing so become disempowered for we give
away who we are. We are our stories. What do we have left after we give away our stories.
our deepest expressions of who we are? In telling our deepest stories we invite vulnerability as
student and as participant. However, as said previously. the only hope of bringing about
equality may be in the telling of our stories of experience. our stories of inequality. and the
stories of our vulnerability.
The narrative telling of our lives within an academic institution in the process of earning a
Ph.D. presents yet another dichotomy for women. We pursue graduate studies with the
expectation that we will be accepted into the academic world as scholars: that the Ph.D. will
give us license to teach and research there. The reality is that many women who earn a Ph.D. C
degree in later life are prohibited from teaching in academia because of the age at which we
begin graduate studies and the much older age at which we receive the Ph.D. degree.
Sometimes the topic and the methodology we chose for our research are prohibitive to our
entry to academia. I know some female graduates of doctoral studies who were re-assigned to
the teaching positions in which they had served their boards before enteikg the Ph.D.
program. Their efforts of graduate school were ignored--made invisible--as was the work they
did at home and in the classroom. In some cases women who were offered positions at
faculties were prohibited from taking them because the salaries were not commensurate with
their experience and education. nor were they equal to those salaries earned by men in similar
positions. W t h such salaries these women could not meet the debt load incurred by graduate
studies.
The dialectic of creating this thesis involved the blending of the traditional story of research
with the new and evoIving story of narrative methodology. At the beginning of this thesis I
talked about the disruption which my introduction to narrative brought into my life. I have
married the two. my knowledge of the oId and the new. to bring me where I could not have
none alone as a woman and a professional. In the problems which I have encountered along the C
way my professional responsibilities have been my anchor and support when I was hurting
personally. and vice-versa. The lines between the personal and professional do not always
blur. Occasionally they do.
Ms. Samson, Ms. Samson, will you be rnv Mom? Education Week is a time of varied
atzd corrstatzt crctiviy at ow- school; the culnzination of months of plarznitzg. Timetubling is
itzrer-r-r cptrd to accotrrrnodnte the steady stream of visirors to the scizool arzd the many special
ewrzrsfbr rrctdrers, parents and stridents. This is an annual celebration of education rvlzich I
enjoyed for man! years. as both teacher and parent. During this, my first Edrccation Week as
r ice-prirzcipal, the principal has been granted a four-da~ special leave to accompanx the
Urziversi~ Choir- orz a provincial tour. There is no srcbsritccte provided and my prima? remedial
redirzg studetzts renzciirz in their izorneroorrzs. I will have administrative drities only
On this prininclar crfrernoon t/ze cl~~ssroorns and corridors are ovelflowing wirh parents.
gt-nrzdpar-ents, and others rcho have accepred our invitation to attend Open Hocrse: cr time rvherz
school and classroom doors open, and teachers and students host families andj-iends of the
school. Toduy, as th le only representative of adtnin istration, I will visit all tweng-fivo
cirtssr-oonrs itz the one and n half- to nvo-tzorct- time slot. I will rvelcorne parents and s h o ~ . m y
