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VOICING UP THE MARRIAGE.

By Dr D. Bruno Starrs © 2014.

(A short play about a married couple and their individual - but remarkably similar - career

aspirations. The man and woman in question, JOCK and JILL, are standing high on

columned pedestals stage left and stage right. Centre stage is a luxurious sofa. A copy of the

local newspaper lies on a coffee table adjacent to the sofa. As the lights come up, JOCK and

JILL descend from their pedestals and sit together on the sofa)

JILL.

Been working out, baby?

JOCK.

Not working out, been working. My new job as Drill Sergeant at a fitness boot camp!

JILL.

Mmm, I like a man in uniform ... An authority figure ... Someone who will take charge!

JOCK.

(Without a trace of insincerity)

I know you do, baby. That’s why I gotta say:

(In an aggressive, commanding voice)

Attenshun!

(JILL sits bolt upright)

JOCK.

Present arms!

(JILL holds out both arms stiffly)

JOCK.

Are you ready to get fit, soldier?

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JILL.

(Uncertainly)

Yes, sir!

JOCK.

I can’t hear you!

JILL.

Yes, SIR!

JOCK.

Then drop and give me twenty!

JILL.

Give you twenty what? US dollars? British pounds? Vietnamese dong?

JOCK.

What are you saying about my dong?

(Losing his temper)

Do you want me to be put you on a charge of insubordination, soldier? Push-ups! Twenty!

Remember, no retreat, no surrender, soldier! Because physical exercise improves the libido.

Is your libido improving, soldier? Is it? Is it?

JILL.

Actually, no, your shouting is a ‘major’ turnoff. See you when the war is over, Sergeant.

(JILL stands up and angrily walks to the side. Pause. JOCK resumes his ‘normal’ voice, as

he opens the newspaper)

JOCK.

Hmm ... Vaccination Nurses ... Vehicle Inspectors ... Ah, here it is. Positions Vacant: Voice

Over Artists ...

BRIEF BLACKOUT.

(As the lights come up, JOCK and JILL descend from their pedestals and sit on the sofa)

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JILL.

(Without a trace of insincerity)

Hey, beloved husband, I got a new voice over job today! Yes, my legendary larynx landed

me a position at an international call centre answering service. They’re moving away from

those typical sub-continental Indian accents and looking for the golden, dulcet tones of our

own lovely (insert name of local suburb, city or region) dialect. So now, when a disgruntled

customer rings up the company that made his defective DVD player and wants a refund, I

answer his call and, well, basically stall him until he gives up trying and just goes out and

buys a replacement DVD player!

(JOCK seems doubtful)

You seem doubtful. OK, let me demonstrate. Go on, lover, give me a call!

(JILL mimes dialling a telephone and hands it to JOCK)

JOCK.

(Into the imaginary telephone, with a sexually suggestive voice)

Hey, baby ... Let’s get jiggy wid it tonight?

JILL.

(In a cold, dispassionate, machine-like voice)

To access services of a sexual nature, please state the appropriate request phrase clearly and

succinctly, followed immediately by pressing the hash key.

JOCK.

The appropriate request phrase? Hmm, I don’t know. Give me a clue, baby.

(JOCK tries to wrap an arm around JILL but she shrugs him off like a robot)

JILL.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your response. Please repeat the appropriate request phrase clearly

and succinctly, followed immediately by pressing the hash key.

JOCK.

Really? Like that is it? OK, how about this? Could we make love, please, darling?

JILL.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your response. Please repeat the appropriate request phrase clearly

and succinctly, followed immediately by pressing the hash key.

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JOCK.

Man, this is frustrating! How about this? Let’s make sweet, passionate love, please, darling?

JILL.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your response. Please state and confirm your email address and the

appropriate request phrase will be sent to you within the next fourteen to twenty eight days.

Alternatively, if you wish to enter a different request phrase, please press the right shoulder

and speak into the most proximal ear, clearly and succinctly, followed immediately by

pressing the hash key.

JOCK.

(Doing as instructed and whispering into JILL’s ear)

Hey, baby ... Let’s get jiggy wid it tonight?

JILL.

You have entered a new request phrase. Hillbilly. Lettuce. Guitar. Jewellery. Weave. Eat.

Tourniquet. If this is correct, please press the hash key.

JOCK.

(Shrugging his shoulders)

Close enough.

(Miming a press of the hash key on the imaginary telephone)

Now ... Hey, baby ... Let’s get jiggy wid it tonight? I mean: Hillbilly. Lettuce. Guitar.

Jewellery. Weave. Eat. Tourniquet.

JILL.

We are presently experiencing a high volume of calls. Please hold the line and an operator

will be with you shortly. We are presently experiencing a high volume of calls. Please hold

the line and an operator will be with you shortly. We are presently experiencing a high

volume of calls. Please hold the line and an operator will be with you shortly. We are

presently experiencing …

JOCK.

Argh! I give up!

(JOCK stands up and angrily walks to the side. Pause. JILL resumes her ‘normal’ voice, as

she opens the newspaper)

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JILL.

Well, it’s certainly not the highest ranking profession in the world ... There must be

something better out there for a versatile voice like mine ...

BRIEF BLACKOUT.

(As the lights come up, JOCK and JILL descend from their pedestals and sit on the sofa)

JILL.

(Without a trace of insincerity)

So how was your first day on the new job, darling? Did you get to exercise those gorgeous,

golden tonsils of yours?

JOCK.

How was it, you ask, on my first day as a sports jacketed, sports minded, sports jabbering,

sports commentator? Well now, my long-suffering trophy wife, why don’t I just show you?

(JOCK speaks with a rich, brash, super-confident voice into an imaginary microphone and

with much energetic animation)

Welcome to the game of the week, football fans: a local derby between those two old foes,

Man United and Woman FC. Both sides have experienced debilitating injuries in the lead-up

to this clash but each remains confident of victory and a satisfying run all the way through to

the grand final climax. It looks like the referee is ready. He blows his whistle, the two teams

stop checking each other out and play commences!

(JILL slides closer to JOCK on the sofa)

And here’s one for the record books: Woman FC makes the first move, sliding sensually into

an attacking position. Has she got the seduction skills to block her opponent and assert

dominance, in just the opening seconds of this match? Yes! Yes, she does so admirably and

makes an aggressive play for Man United’s left knee.

(JILL positions a hand on JOCK’s leg, who immediately stands to address the audience in the

cheeriest voice and fakest smile possible)

But we interrupt the action, dedicated sports fans, to remind you to place your bets on the

outcome tonight with the … MegaMegaWorldWideSportingConglomeratedSupa

DoopaAllControlledGamblingLegalisedSynthoDrugsIncorporatingUndetectableSteroids

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WhiteCollarBrothels (Gasp!)

AndBigReligionsAgencySlashMarketMonopolySlashPyramidStyleBusinessModelSlashChari

tyAuctionHouse, where the punter’s fiscal integrity is - as it always has been since Adam lost

his bet about Eve’s fig leaf - completely assured by the State Government’s Office of Liquor,

Gaming, Tobacco, Racing, Prostitution and Guaranteed Revenue, and where Lady Luck is

constantly smiling upon you and where we’re reliably informed you can get an odds-on

wager that Woman FC is going to swing her hips like a Salsa dancer in the first half as she

attempts to sidestep her opposite number! And ten to one that Man United will take off his

shirt, roll over and start snoring the minute he shoots and scores!

(JOCK suddenly sits down on the sofa and gropes JILL, leering lasciviously. JILL is offended

and moves further away but stays on the sofa. JOCK resumes commentating)

But what’s this? Man United has been penalised for an illegal tackle! Woman FC’s taken a

dive worthy of an Oscar but he’s pinned her to the ground like it was a wrestling match. He’s

gone straight for the upper body and the referee has called foul!

(JOCK gropes JILL again, but she throws him off and retreats to the edge of the stage.

JOCK’s tone becomes despondent)

There’s a yellow card! I did nothing, ref! I mean Man United did nothing wrong!

(JOCK sighs, and then quietly states to himself)

No red card, at least.

(JOCK resumes his commentator voice)

Woman FC is up on her feet disgusted and has left the field in protest. It seems Man United

just can’t get the hang of football foreplay and has once again dropped the ball, so to speak,

and ... dare I say it? ... with this tactical error Man United has forfeited the entire game!

Perhaps his club has forfeited … the whole season?

(Pause. JOCK resumes his ‘normal’ voice, as he opens the newspaper)

JOCK.

And so, once again, I’m studying the Positions Vacant in the (insert name of local

newspaper).

BRIEF BLACKOUT.

(As the lights come up, JOCK and JILL descend from their pedestals and sit on the sofa)

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JILL.

You know that telesales show on the Home Shopping Network, baby?

JOCK.

Yes?

JILL.

Well, they gave me a job!

JOCK.

(Without a trace of insincerity)

That’s wonderful! And what is your velvety, honey-dripping voice selling, darling?

JILL.

See if you can guess ...

(JILL stands and begins her speech in a smooth, confident, sexy voice)

Are you sick of ordinary lovemaking that’s, well, ordinary? Tired of that routine rumble

between the everyday reality sheets? Want to experience the extra-ordinary, breath-taking

passion of a horny Superman or Wonder Woman on heat? Well, now you can with the new

SuperNookie program! With SuperNookie’s special combination of pro-vitamins and eleven

secret herbs and spices, you’ll enjoy total fulfilment – or your money back! But wait! There’s

more! If you and your partner are not completely satisfied that SuperNookie has instantly

revolutionized your love life, we’ll refund your money in full (less delivery costs, service

fees, handling expenses and additional monetary subsidiaries). But wait! There’s more! We

believe in our product so much we’ll even toss in a lifetime guarantee! But wait! You guessed

it – unbelievably, there’s even more! When you call in the next five minutes, we’ll include a

free placebo slash aphrodisiac with your order! Go on, don’t waste another minute with

boring nookie - try our 30 day no obligation, money back guarantee and get longer lasting,

more fulfilling, earth-shattering intimacy with … SuperNookie!

(Producing a contract and a pen and presenting it towards JOCK)

Just sign on the dotted line, baby, and we’ll almost certainly get jiggy wid it tonight.

(JOCK stands up and angrily walks to the side)

JOCK.

What’s she trying to say: that I’m a ‘super’-dud in bed?

(Pause. JILL resumes her ‘normal’ voice, as she opens the newspaper)

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Aargh! Still, on casual voice-over wages we can’t really afford more than a weekend’s worth

of SuperNookie, anyway. Let’s see: There must be something out there with a decent salary!

BRIEF BLACKOUT.

(As the lights come up, JOCK and JILL descend from their pedestals and sit on the sofa)

JILL.

Sigh!

JOCK.

Sigh!

JOCK/JILL.

Sigh!

JILL.

Work-wise, nothing had … well …worked. We were about to give up forever and pursue

lucrative careers in crime ...

JOCK.

(Without a trace of insincerity)

Or maybe just prostitution.

JILL.

(Frowning)

That wasn’t even a plan B.

JOCK.

(Smiling warmly at JILL)

Anyway, it’s all irrelevant, because my brilliant wife stumbled upon the brilliant job path that

finally solved our problems. Brilliantly.

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JILL.

We had to learn to take our employment less seriously: after all we were both just

mouthpieces for hire. We always ran the risk of taking our work back home with us and

continuing with an insincere performance for our beloved partners, and we knew that could

never end well. I realised that what we needed were jobs that required absolutely no pretence

at authenticity and certainly no accountability for loyalty or integrity, jobs where it didn’t

matter how well you perform just as long as what you say sounds kinda right, jobs where you

can stuff up completely and still effectively lay the blame on someone else, jobs where you’re

never tempted to take your work into the domestic, real-life sphere because no-one ever takes

anything you do the slightest bit seriously. Just as long as you sound good.

JOCK.

And don’t forget: Jobs where you get paid extremely well to lob verbal grenades at your co-

workers like … like warrior ventriloquists.

JILL.

That’s right. Jobs where you receive a handsome salary for mining the workplace with …

with a glossary of spoken word depth-charges. Jobs where you stay safe from litigation even

when you’re uttering the vilest litany of provocative, war-like insults. And yes! I found them!

I found two perfect jobs, in fact. I found our higher calling!

(JILL and JOCK get up on their pedestals)

JILL/JOCK.

Politics!

JILL.

(Loud and aggressive)

If I may, Mr Speaker! Clearly the opposition party has a dismal record of under-achievement

when it comes to ensuring a healthy retirement pension for ordinary citizens.

JOCK.

(Loud and aggressive)

If I may, Mr Speaker! The honourable member has no idea what an ordinary citizen is,

having spent all her life with her fat piggy snout buried deep in the trough of public funding!

JILL.

You stinking gorilla! How dare you impugn me with such gutter-sniping and innuendo! You

who make a creative work of fiction out of your annual expense account figures!

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JOCK.

You flea-bitten baboon! I don’t need to be dared to speak the truth! You are a pork barrelling

con artist! And a despicable drain on society!

JILL.

And you are a colossal kingpin of criminal corruption!

JOCK.

Grandstanding scumbag chock-full of lies and deceit!

JILL.

Conscienceless mafia crime boss!

JOCK.

Unconstitutionally amoral misanthrope!

JILL.

Bow-legged troglodyte!

JOCK.

Buck-toothed … Ah, synonym for troglodyte? … Troglodyte … You buck-toothed caveman!

No, you low-browed Neanderthal! No, you, you … you Palmer United Party wannabe!

JILL.

Enemy of the state!

JOCK.

Traitor!

JILL/JOCK.

My husband! / My wife!

(JILL and JOCK lock gazes, without a trace of insincerity, then suddenly descend from their

pedestals, rush to each other and engage in a passionate embrace, kissing and caressing like

sex-crazed animals … or, well, like politicians)

CURTAIN.