Boundaries
Why do I need Boundaries?
“I’m forty -tw o years old and I’ve finally
figured out w hat I don’t w ant. Now all I have
to do is figure out w hat I w ant.”
- Anonymous
- Beyond Codependency- Melody Beattie
Why do I need Boundaries??
Eve ryo n e n e e ds h e alth y bo un darie s !
Boundaries define our personal space. They help us create
safety and take care of ourselves.
We do not have control over other people, places and things. We only have
control over ourselves.
The first step in having boundaries is to know we have the right to take care of
ourselves and to get our needs met. We not only have the right, but the duty to
take responsibility for how we allow ourselves to be treated.
From Boundaries:
W hat Are They and W hy Do They Matter? Joan Gold MFT
What are boundaries?
Are Boundaries r u les for others?
No
Boundaries are limits for m e !!!
Boundaries and alcoholism
Everyone whose life touches an alcoholics is in one way or another
affected by his disease.” H.T. Milhorn Jr., Chem ical Dependency
“To maintain the system, family members must adapt,
but there is no healthy way to adapt to alcoholism.”
W hat are som e com m on w ays that fam ily m em bers adapt??
Co depen den cy and en ablin g behaviors are commonly used by family
members of alcoholics as a way of coping with the disease.
Codependency
Co de pe n de n cy
“A codependent is one who lets another’s behavior
control him or her and who is o bse sse d with
controlling that person’s behavior”. Melody Beattie
Codependency QuizAr e y o u co d ep en d en t ?
http:/ / quizilla.teennick.com/ quizzes/ 4513150/ are-you-codependent
• Do you have family member (s) abusing drugs or alcohol or who have major psychological problems?
• Do you feel forced to help someone solve a problem they have?
• Do you feel unappreciated or used?
• Do you ever feel guilty when you do something for yourself?
• Are you indecisive?
• Are you afraid of making mistakes?
• Do you blame yourself for most everything?
• Do you get feelings of self-worth from helping others?
• Are you afraid to be who you are?
• Do you take care of others more than you take care of yourself?
• Do you come from or are you living in a troubled or dysfunctional home?
• Do you pretend that things aren't as bad as they really are?
• D you tolerate abuse (in any form) in order to keep someone loving you?
• Do you try to say what you think will please others?
• Are you very controlling of people or events?
Codependent traits
Low self-esteem Poor boundaries
Dysfunctional communication Dependency
Intimacy problems Denial
Control Perfectionism
Reactivity Caretaking
Pleasing others and giving up yourself
Addiction to substance(s) or process
Enabling
En ablin g “is doing things for someone that they co u ld , and s ho uld do
For themselves. It is taking care of an addict (or others) to help them
avoid the pain and consequences of their behavior.
Exam ples:
o Making excuses for the alcoholic's drinking or behavior.
o Lying to cover up for someone.
o Given them “one more chance” time and again.
o Taking on someone else’s responsibilities even when they are
capable of doing so.
H elpin g is doing something for someone that they are
n o t capable of doing for themselves.
Healthy families
Traits o f H e alth y Fam ilie s Traits of a Healthy Fam ily Dolores Curran
communicate and listen
affirm and support one another
teach respect for each other
develop a sense of trust
have a sense of play, humor
exhibit a sense of right and wrong
have strong family rituals and traditions
respect each other's privacy
engage in meal time and conversation
share leisure time together
admit to and seeks help for problems
H ealth y fam ily m em bers h ave h ealth y bo u n darie s !!!!!
Detach with love
Detach m en t
is based on the idea that everyone is responsible for them selves
Detachment is the idea that someone’s behavior can be separate from the person. It’s the
idea that we can love a person but hate their behavior. When we practice detachment, we
can view someone’s outrageous behavior as being their issue without taking it so personally.
We can still love them even though their behavior is unacceptable at times.
“I didn ’t cause it, can ’t cure it, can ’t co n tro l it, but I can co pe”
"le t g o & le t Go d “ "le t g o o r b e d r a g g ed “
“ho w im p o r t a n t is i t ?” “liv e a n d le t liv e”
Boundaries - first things first
Bo un darie s are limits for me that say :
This is how far I shall go.
This is what I will or won’t do for you.
This is what I won’t tolerate from you.
Boundaries – easy does it
“Having boundaries doesn’t complicate life;
boundaries simplify life. We need to know how far
we‘ll go, and how far we’ll allow others to go with us.
Once we understand this, we can go anywhere. “
Beyond Codependency- Melody Beattie
Boundaries – let it begin with me
How do w e know w hat healthy boundaries are?
By doing what is in our best interest.
Ask yourself
how do I protect my recovery and/ or serenity in this relationship?
Communicate your limits and boundaries when everyone is calm.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle
threats.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow
Through with. Do n ’t do it!!!!
Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
http:/ / www.spiritualriver.com
Boundaries - live and let live
Exa m p les o f hea lt hy b o u n d a r ies :
I will not loan you money in the future.
I will not bail you out of jail.
I will not make excuses for your behavior.
I will not engage in angry exchanges or arguments.
If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in
front of me; either you leave or I’ll walk away.
You can spoil your fun, your day, your life, that’s your business-
but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, my life.
Boundaries – keep coming back
Alw ays , alw ays , alw ays fo llo w thro ugh o n yo ur pro m is es . Say
what you mean and mean what you say; but don’t say it mean.
Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce. Bo un darie s require
co n s equen ces .
Exa m p le
Boundary:
I will not allow drug use in my home.
Consequence:
If you use drugs in my home I will ask you to move out.
Communication boundaries – courage to change
Whether your loved one is in their addiction or new to recovery,
sometimes a well meaning, simple discussion can turn futile.
These responses are neutral, kind and loving without giving way to
anger, confrontation, frustration or resentment:
• I'm sorry you feel that way.
• I'm sorry you're sad (or unhappy, or lonely or frustrated)."
• That just won't work for me.
Or just walk away calmly, without any discussion, anger or invoking of
your own punishing intentions.
If yo u do n 't take th e bait, th ey h ave n o w h ere to go .
Carole Bennett, MA
Communication boundaries - keep it simple
Exa m p les o f hea lt hy co m m u n ica t io ns b o u n d a r ies :
When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it
once and then refuse to discuss it further.
It’s ok to say” I have to think about it”; you don’t have to
answer every question on demand.
It’s ok to say no if that’s in your best interest.
“Say what you mean, mean what you say,
but don’t say it mean.” - Al-Anon slogan
Let’s practice
Boundaries WorksheetBoundaries“Boundaries are limits for me that say ”This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.” Key to boundaries is making decisions based on doing what is right for you, but make sure to check your motives.
Tips: Keep it simple. Only set boundaries you are willing to follow through on and decide what you will do if your boundary is crossed (consequence). Don’t forget to frame your boundary as an “I statement”.List some boundaries with consequences you want to set for yourself:
Example: Boundary: I will use detachment to avoid engagement in an argument or angry exchange.
Consequence: If you attempt to engage me in an argument I will walk away.
1.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________2.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________4.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One day at a time
Wo rk yo ur pro gram :
• attend treatment
• attend12 Step meetings : AA, Al-Anon
• build a supportive network
• engage in healthy self care
• get a sponsor & work the steps
• set boundaries for yourself
• recover !!!
The s er en it y p r a y er
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can ,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
So urce s
Alcoholism Is a Family Disease By Buddy T, About.com Updated: December 24, 2007
Beattie, Melody “Codependent No More”, “Beyond Codependency”
Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery
Sharon Wegscheider Cruse “Another Chance, Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family “
Lenhart, Ann Marie, LCSW “Enabling: When Parents Who Want to Help Teens End Up
Hurting Them”
Ginn, Esther, RN, MPA, CSASC, “The Co-Dependent Parent”
Al-Anon Family Programs Literature
Alateen- Hope for Children of Alcoholics
Boundaries: What Are They and Why Do They Matter? Joan Gold MFT
www.tgrsm.org
www.cresentlife.com
http://www.spiritualriver.com
http://video.about.com/stress/5-Effective-Tactics-for-Conflict-Resolution.htm
http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependenthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/communicating-with-an-alc_b_383604.html#es_share_ended