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FINDING
GOD IN THE DARKFAITH, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND THE STRUGGLE TO BELIEVE
TED KLUCK AND RONNIE MARTIN
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2013 by Te Kluck a Re Mat
Publshe by Bethay Huse Publshes
11400 Hampshe Aeue Suth
Blmgt, Mesta 55438
www.bethayhuse.cm
Bethay Huse Publshes s a s
Bake Publshg Gup, Ga Raps, Mchga
Pte the Ute States Ameca
All ghts esee. N pat ths publcat may be epuce, ste a eteal
system, or trasmtted ay orm or by ay measor example, electroc, photocopy,
ecgwthut the p wtte pemss the publshe. The ly except
s be qutats pte eews.
Lbay Cgess Catalgg--Publcat Data
Kluck, Te.
Fg G the ak : ath, sapptmet, a the stuggle t belee /
Te Kluck a Re Mat.p. cm.
Summay: Ppula auth a awa-wg musca help eaes wh
stuggle wth ubt because pesal lss a sapptmetsPe
by publshe.
Iclues bblgaphcal eeeces (p. ).
ISBN 978-0-7642-1082-2 (pbk. : alk. pape)
1. Fath. 2. DsapptmetRelgus aspectsChstaty. 3. Lss (Psy-
chlgy)Relgus aspectsChstaty. I. Mat, Re. II. Ttle.
BV4637.K54 2012
234 .23c23 2012040443
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are rom The Holy Bible, English
Staa Ves (ESV), cpyght 2001 by Cssway, a publshg msty
Good News Publshers. Used by permsso. All rghts resered. ESV Text Edto: 2007
Scrpture quotatos detfied niv are rom the Holy Bble, New Iteratoal Verso.
NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission o
Zodera. All rghts resered worldwde. www.zodera.com
Ce esg by Da Ptts
Auths ae epesete by Wlgemuth & Asscates.
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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For Kristin, who has forgiven much.
For everybody who hurts.
For Beth, and the hope that lies within.
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9
Contents
Ackwlegmets 11
Auths Nte: Eeyby Huts (Te Kluck) 13
Ituct (Re Mat) 17
1. Yu Gtta Hae Fath: The Suce Ubele (
the Stuggle t Belee Whe Les Fallg Apat)
(Kluck) 19
2. Hw S Is Nw? Whe Gs Peple Quest the
Relablty G (Mat) 29
3. Hw You D?: Cultues Obsess Wth Sel-
Sucecy (Kluck) 47
4. Pesal Jesus: The Jyless Pusut Ceatg G
Ou Ow Image (Mat) 63
5. I Bult My Ftess: Mstakg Falue Humlty,
a Kllg Bg T (Kluck) 79
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10
Contents
6. Blue May: Reflects Dubt a Ubele
(Mat) 93
7. My Fathes S: Payg Thugh Ubele
(Kluck) 109
8. The G Wh Fs Us (Mat) 127
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11
Acknowledgments
From Ted
T the g es my le, Chst: Re Mat,
Pat Quinn, Kevin DeYoung, Cory Hartman, Zach Bartels,Peete Lukas. Yu eshp has meat me ths yea tha
I cul ee aequately expess hee.
To my agent, Andrew Wolgemuth, or being the coolest
aget ths busess, hads dow, ad or beg a pros pro.
T Mm a Da melg ths stuf t me, a
orgiving me, praying with me, and loving me in spite o
all my flaws. Yu guys ae the geatest. T Be Ske, shwg me a ubeleable amut gace. May G
bless yu.
To University Reormed Church and Judson Memorial
Baptst Chuch.
To Kristin, or orgiving much and loving me anyway.
Yue amazg, ley.
From Ronnie
T Bg T (yu bg smethg ce t wea), Da Alla,
Jll Butle, Sctt Bus, Rbet Campbell, Ty Hall, Da
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12
Acknowledgments
Hegg, Bb Kaufl, Gle Pckett, Rch Plcz, Mak Spa-
sel, Joseph Stigora, Nathan Wells, Danny Wright, and the
Mats, the Dees, a the HassI ee all yu,ea es, s please keep textg me.
To Andrew Wolgemuth or absolutely everything, and
Ay McGue gace, suppt, a ecuagemet. Ex-
pect Chstmas cas ee.
T Ashla Gace Chuchkay, well keep the ga.
To my we, Melssa, ad daughter, Bethmy two aorte
peple the whle wl.
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13
Authors NoteEverybody Hurts
T E D K L U C K
Ie always hate the sg Eeyby Huts by R.E.M. As
a ba, they always stuck me as ely why a weaselly.
R.E.M. was the guy the peect tht-ste c T-sht,
tyg t fi hmsel. O the gl at the bkste wh was
trying too hard to look casual. Im rom the middle o a
corfield (Hartord Cty, Idaa), ad sgg about how e-
erybody hurts just seems sot, sel-dulget, ad potless.
But the thg s, eerybody does hurt. Le (thrty-sx years
and counting) has shown me this. Ive elt pain caused by
others and, whats worse, my own sin has caused mental,
physcal, ad emotoal pa others. Eerybody hurts, ad
smetmes because me. A the chuch we smetmes
expect people to just shrug and say, Well, its all part o
Gods pla, whch st ecessarly utrue, but ts a respose
that stkes me as a lttle huma a, Scptue s t be
beleed, unspiritual.Job ret hs garmets ad screamed, ad
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Finding God in the Dark
14
the Bble sad he was wthout s that partcular stuato.
Jesus sweat blood in the garden. He didnt just skip to the
css sayg, Hey, I kw hw ths s gg t wk ut, sts all g. Pa s eal, a ts t ecessaly usptual
to ackowledge t. Ths book, part, s a ackowledgmet
o pa ad a reflecto o what to do wth t. My chapters are
arrate ature. By the rpe old(sh) age o thrty-sx, oe
the thgs Ie leae abut mysel s that ths, bette
wse, s hw I wte. Ths s a bk abut fig G
the ak. My chaptes, patcula, wll tell the stes my aklsg a apt; expeecg pessal
alure; ad the ultmately, by a moemet o the Holy Sprt,
corotg my ow dark, sul heart. Now, lookg back, I
am fille wth thakuless these eets because they ae
the eets that G ae me t bg me t clse,
deeper communion with Him. But in the midst o them,
thee was geat pa.Stll, a temptat eag a bk lke ths, a aa-
tes lke these, would be to say, Yeah, but Kluck hast goe
thugh ________. He hast ge thugh what Im gg
thugh. I kw ths wll be a temptat because Ie sa
similar things mysel about stories that belonged to other
peple. Yeah, but . . .
I ully ad opely ackowledge that there are may peoplewh hae ge thugh thgs that ae much hae tha the
thgs I escbe these pages. But whats wth ackwl-
egg, I thk, s that these ae the ccumstaces that G
put me thugh a patcula tme, a a patcula place,
a patcula pupse (my g a Hs gly). Ie te
t e-ceate them as accuately as pssble, ee thugh the
process was, at times, more than a little painul. I youre
Chst, yu ca tust that G s g, a wll , the
same yu yu ccumstaces. Ie als te t clue
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Authors Note
15
Scptue thats pactcal a elatablethe ks Scp-
tues yu ca pay thugh whe yu cat seem t fi the
ws eegy t pay yu w.Oe o the thgs Ie always struggled wth le s lste-
g t sptual put m aye whm I hat pecee
as hag ge thugh eep wates. My hpe a paye
ths bk s that by eag abut my eep wates, yu
ca le a tust G me thugh yus.
Humbly, Chst,
Te Kluck
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17
Introduction
R O N N I E M A R T I N
Its early o a Saturday morg as I st dow to wrte ths tro,
whch Ie decded to do the somewhat cold, leless cofies
my ecg stu. I say leless because Im suue
by spase bchw walls, a gumetal gay , sme sta-
tegcally place tack lghtg, a abslutely wws. A
ast array o kobs, swtches, ad meters that resemble a old
laboratory rom a science fiction movie in the 1960s are my
only companions. For recording the kind o music I do, its
a peectly esge space. Thees utse se, utse
lght, utse stact cmg . Nby else has ay
access uless I ulck the a let them . F all tets
a pupses, I exst ttal slat whe Im my stu,
wthut ay fluece whatsee m the utse wl.
I think this may be an apt picture o how it eels when
questions o aith, doubt, and unbelie come pressing into
u heats a ms. We eel etache, slate, a ale.
We eel eglecte a we G emembes that wee
stll Hs chle. Smetmes we quest whethe He ee
exsts at all.
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Finding God in the Dark
18
Most o us dot eed a troducto to ay o these ques-
tos. As Tom Cruse oce remarked hs Oscar-omated
le Jerry Maguire, We le a cycal wl. A cycal,cycal wl.
He wast wg.
The roots o doubt and unbelie are buried deep within
the sl u cultue. Fm the fist tme the el aske the
quest D G eally say. . .? t Ee the gae, what
he really dd was call Ee to cycally questo the loe, good-
ess, trustworthess, ad relablty o God. To questo Hssoeregty. As we fid ourseles mred doubt ad ubele,
were simply grasping or an answer to the same question:
D G eally say . . . ?
What Ted and I hope to do is explore the heart o this
crucial question, a question that puts the goodness o God
a the tet Hs heat t the test. Well t by shag
wth yu sme the ay, eeyay stes that make upthe majty u ay-t-ay les. We ealze that mst
us dont ace earth-shattering, death-deying moments that
propel us headlong into severe doubts over Gods goodness
a aly bass. F may us, ubt a ubele ca be
subtle posos that gradually oculate us oer tme rom seeg
the eece Gs gace wkg stealy u amles,
jobs, relatoshps, ad utures. Its oly whe we beg to see,uderstad, ad belee that God s truly at work the abrc
o eery trcate detal o our les that the dm lght o doubt
a ubele ges way t the bght lght hpe Hm.
Lght aws the akess the upght; he s gacus,
mecul a upght.
Psalm 112:4
Its ate we fi G the ak that we ealze He was
aleay thee.
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19
1
You Gotta Have Faith
The Source of Unbelief
(or the Struggle to Believe
When Lifes Falling Apart)
T E D K L U C K
Gtta make t t heae, gg thugh hell.
50 Cet, Gtta Make It t Heae
Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares
yu.
1 Pete 5:7 niv
Hell hath uy lke a Ukaa hallway.
Ukaa hallways ae ak a cl, stew wth tash,
ad smellg lke some combato o ure, red ood, ad
garbage. A clchd sgle lghtbulb socket s ether populated
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Finding God in the Dark
20
by a bke lghtbulb, s hagg empty (lkely stle by
e the teats).
These obseraces were all swrlg my md as I crawled my has a kees back t my ty apatmet ate
a ml electcut at the electcal bx the hallwaya
bx whse wes hat bee lke at mapulate sce
Stal. My we was cyg. Ths was week e a sx-week
stay Ukae. It was gg t be a lg stay.
Whe adoptg Ukrae, you are ote told some pretty
sketchy things that you just have to trust. Like youre toldt be w the steet ce fie mutes t meet yu
rde, or youre told to strap twety-large cash aroud your
wastout o whch you wll be payg drers, brbes, oce
workers, and all manner o people who will be converting
ad spedg your Amerca dollars. Its lke beg a moe
wrtte by somebody else but starrg you. Adoptg abroad
s a exercse ath the people acltatg, the process,a Gs seeg pla.
My we a I wee Ke wkg aptg the lttle
by wh wul becme u sec s, Maxmla Dmt
Kluck. Sometime during the first week we were told that
Maxim had a sister named Anastasia, and that we could
fill ut papewk that wul allw us t cme back a yea
late a apt he t. We t kw hw we wul uthe venture, but we said yes and cried tears o joy or the
daughter wed always hoped and prayed or that the Lord
seeme t be pg.
Driving to the orphanage each day to see Maxim was
an adventure in nausea control. Our driver, Vadim, had a
pechat steppg a f the gas peal te. Ths,
cuple wth bg-cty a pllut (Keabut the sze
Chcag ppulat-wse, but way less clea), mae us sck
t u stmachs ealy eey ay. Stll, we saw s much
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You Gotta Have Faith
21
those drives. We visited a courthouse that was painted the
exact same shae pk as Pept-Bsml. We saw beautul
cetures-old buldgs stacked rght ext to ewsh depress-g, cocrete Soet-era apartmet buldgs that looked lke
parkg garages. The latter was the kd o buldg we called
home. I would stand at the window smoking cigarettes
each ght (hey, they wee fity cets a packt mae g
economic sense) and watch rats run out rom beneath the
bulg. Thats etetamet!
The orphanage was a drab civic-ish building1 located ina utlyg tw calle Byaka. Each ay we walke t a
dark (ether all o the lghtbulbs were bured out, or they were
tetally tue f t sae mey) m that eatue a
esk (always empty) a a eally sa-lkg2 ple plastc
ks tys. We wul just sta thee stuply utl smee
came ut t help us, because thee wee ceta (ea: mst)
aeas the phaage t whch we wee be t g.There were apparently things happening that they didnt
wat us t see.
Oe morg they brought her to us, but oly or a momet.
Anastasia looked like Cindy Lou Who rom How the
Grinch Stole Christmas. She was ty, tw yeas l, ble,
a ha lttle slppy-yet-aable pgtals. She ha just bee
wke m a ap a was cyg, but we ha a mmet tb wth he a take a pctue. A pctue that we wul
look at ad pray oer the moths to come. We were assured
that the papes we fille ut wul make he us, a we
let Ukae a mth late (a may thusas llas
lighter) with sweet Maxim Dmitri, and with the dream o
etug a yea hs sste.
1. Thk o the most depressg cc buldg you ca mage Amerca (lkea Depatmet Mt Vehcles ce), a the g a ew steps wse.
2. Lke the k yu see lete at the e gaage sales.
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Finding God in the Dark
22
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
The teeg mths bught a lt chage. It was a
ajustmet t get use t tw lttle bys u huse, as sx
yeas p we ha apte Tsta Vlymy Kluck, w
eght, m athe cty Ukae. Tsta was stg as a
oxbg, ast, outgog, ad aggresse. Hs brother, Maxm,
was ty, sky, quet, a malushe, but as sweet as a
lttle lamb. The tw wee qute a pa, a wee s thck
as thees. Tsta wul aythg hs lttle bthe.
All the whle we guarded our hearts, kowg the crazess
that was Ukaa bueaucacy. But as the mths wet by,
we slwly let u gua w. We bega the heculea task
o paperwork and und-raising or Anastasias adoption.
We ha a huge mm-t-mm sale at u chuch, a a bg
ud-rasg ght called Kluckstock, whch eatured a slet
auct, a esset bufet (pepae by my talete we), a
karaoke.3 There was a lot o joy in the air. Fear o the un-
kw (a fiacal axety), but als pue jy. The L
seemed to be mog moutas as our church ralled to brg
ths lttle gl t u hmea hme whee she wul hea
the gospel and be lovingly welcomed into a thriving local
chuch. It seeme, t us, t be all g.
The we gt the call.
Thees always a call. It came m the lay wh ha take
e the Ukae pgam at u statese apt agecy,
ad t was a lady who, hoestly, ether Krst or I were crazy
. She was sht a busque whch, cally, mae he a
lot lke a Ukraa woma. Except that she was a Amerca.
She spassately tl us that ue t a chage sme
legslat4 Ukae, Aastasa was beg apte by a
3. Featug yus tuly beltg ut such hts as Wkg the Weeke
by Leby a I Dt Waa Mss a Thg by Aesmth.
4. Ths s shtha a bbe by a amly wth eepe pckets tha us.
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You Gotta Have Faith
23
Ukaa amly. We ha, that ey mg, state hag-
g gls clthes the clset the m that wul hae
bee hes. We wee aleay pepag t g back t Ukae a ew mths t get he. My we sbbe agy teas a
I te t cmt he as well as I cul . . . but ws wee
cmt.
Our contact at the adoption agency said that there was
nothing we can do, even as we tried advocating through
lobbyists and politicians. Finally I penned an impassioned
lette t the apte amly. It may may t hae bee theght thg t :
Dear Family Adopting the Biological Sister o Our Adopted
Son,
Forgive me for not knowing your names. To us youre
just the subject of a very depressing phone call from our
caseworker at Bethany Christian Services. To us youre justthe couple who are negating the legal documents we signed
last year in Ukraine during the adoption of Maximilian
(our son), stating that we would be able to come back in
a year and adopt Anastasia (his biological sister).
My name is Ted and my wifes name is Kristin. Weve
adopted two boys rom Ukraine, ages seven and our. Were
a very average American familyI write books and teachcollege English classes, and my wife works in the home
raising these two energetic boys, whom we love dearly.
Oddly, though, we have some things in common with you.
Weve both been to the selsame orphanage in Boyarka, on
the outskirts o Kiev, and have both allen in love with the
same vulnerable little girl there. We spent weeks in that
orphanagein the dark lobby, the even darker playroom,
and the little playground out back, getting to know our
sweet Maxim, and learning that he had a sister in the very
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Finding God in the Dark
24
same orphanage. One day they let us meet her and take
her picture, and asked us to sign documents stating that
we would indeed be adopting her. Documents that, theyassured us, would protect us from this very situation.
We looked at that picture of her and prayed over it for
the last year.
According to the depressing phone call we recently re-
ceived, several families, like you, had expressed interest
in her, but the orphanage rightly explained that there was
an American couple (us) in line to adopt her once she wasofcially on the registry. But you persisted enough to have
signed some other paperwork that has rendered our paper-
work null and void. Let me say that I dont blame you for
falling in love with her. If shes anything like her brother,
she is happy, kind, quick to smile, and slow to anger.
What you are doing is not illegal, apparently, but still
feels unspeakably mean.Let me share a quick story. Knowing how things work in
international adoptions (at times completely unpredictable
and subject to change on a whim), we had a feeling some-
thing like this might happen. So we guarded our hearts
against it or several months. But recently my wie decided
to start hanging girls clothes in the closet in our extra
bedroom. We had gotten close enough to the adoptionto allow ourselves to begin to hope and to stop guarding
our hearts.
Let me close by asking you a question: Is this really
how you want to enter into a lifelong relationship with
this child, knowing that you broke the hearts of another
amily and separated her rom her biological brother? Our
hearts will heal eventually. We trust and love and believe
in a sovereign God who gives and takes away. But still,
this sucks.
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You Gotta Have Faith
25
I would love for you to look me in the eye and tell me,
in person,5 all o the reasons why its necessary, in an entire
country full of orphans, for you to adopt the girl wevebeen hoping and praying for as our daughter.
Let me be the first to acknowledge the act that we dont
expect this letter to do anything. Ill be shocked if it ever
reaches you, but in a weird way I feel better for having
written it. If youve gotten to this point in the process,
you may very well not be the kind of people who would
be moved by a letter like this. But please know that thereare real people on the other end of this process. If I were
a better Christian, I would say that I forgive you and Im
praying for you. But I dont think I have, and Im not. But
I am praying for your daughter.
Sincerely,
Ted and Kristin Kluck
The lette thg. A ethe u payes that
God would work a miracle in the situation and unite An-
astasia with her brother. The result was heartache, pain,
epess, ubt, cycsm, a unbelief.
Help My Unbelief
I my le the ce tgge ubele a cycsm has bee
bke eams a umet expectats whch I hae ha
may, but pbably me tha the aeage pes. Thee
have been book deals that have allen through,6 a semi-
promsg ootball career lost to jury, broke promses rom
Christians, and just plain old disappointment at wanting
5. What I eally wate was t shw ths guy a up-clse ew my fist.
6. T may t ecut.
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smethg espeately a t beg able t hae t. Ths s
part o the human condition. Its the part that makes you
cycal. Its the pat that makes yu just wat t black uta all asleep a lg, lg tme.
It has bee thse sceas, lke Aastasa, whch G
shows us somethg that o the surace looks so artght ad
amazg t has t be m Hm. Ths s at least what we tell
ourselves as we try to understand Gods sovereign will. To
see it taken away is, quite simply, heartbreaking. It brings
wth t age, ge, a a lss hpe.My teecy the wake Aastasa was t expect ba
things to happen. To ask God i He put me on this earth
just s that He cul ge me a beatg. I stppe beleg
in His sovereign plan and started eeling like a punching
bag. My huma eact was t becme cycal a way.
The athe wth the sck, em-pssesse chl Mak
9 must hae elt the same way. Beg a athe thse aysprobably wasnt a whole lot diferent rom being a ather
ow. You loe your chld a desperate, gut-leel way. A take-
a-bullet-or-this-person kind o way. Imagine your child is
sckpossessed by a el sprt, the text tells usad youe
tred eerythg to help hm. People are lookg at you uy
because yue gt a we k. What he t esee
that? they mutte ue the beath, all the whle wshgyou well publc. The codto takes ts toll o your home,
yu maage, a yu ablty t thk, eat, a sleep -
mally. You eter sural modecompletg oly those tasks
that ae essetal lea le jylessly m ay t ay.
Fatherhood s tough ayway, but ts harder whe youre tak-
g a emtal beatg m le a ccumstaces. Yu
hae tuble beleg a hpg.
S the ma Mak 9 says, I yu ca aythg, take
pty o us ad help us. I you ca? sad Jesus. Eerythg
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You Gotta Have Faith
27
s pssble e wh belees. I belee, the ma sa.
Help me ecme my ubele.7
This is an example o a struggling, weary, beaten, andscaebut stll ableath. A ath thats the pes
but stll stadg. Its a example o how to belee the ace
geat tal. The ma t ly tusts Jesus wth hs chl,
but wth hs ubele as well. He s castg all hs axetes
Hm, wh caes hm.
In the wake o Anastasia, I was wracked with anxieties.
Facal axety e the mey we lst the apt,proessional anxiety, and most o all personal anxiety over
my ablty t eel le a L wh wul take ths away
rom us. My we was hurtg as well. She was retreatg rom
the wome at church, ad she ee had a hard tme talkg to
me abut what she was expeecg. Ietlty a a ale
apt wee shakg he ath t the ce.
I kew my hea that G was eal, a I ee beleethat He loved me. I just wanted, and needed, to eel it. I
remember a road trip we took ollowing Anastasias loss.
We were so rustratedtapped out metally, physcally, ad
fiacallythat we wee bth teas. I was tyg t pe-
sonally carry and deal with all o my anxieties, and was
alg mseably. I was beg e t my kees, aga, by
a G wh le me a cae me. At the tme I ques-tioned two essential biblical truthsthat God was good,
and that He loved me. I was reusing to cast my anxieties
Hm, because I stuggle t ully tust Hm t t hut
me again. I believed in His sovereignty. . . . I believed that
He had ordained Anastasias loss, and that it wasnt the
Enemy, as some would suggest. I believe that God is ruler
all, ee the Eemy. Thugh, t be hest, t wul haebee easer to be mad at the del. I thk beg mad at God,
7. Mak 9:2224
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Finding God in the Dark
28
in the absence o hope and trust, is the darkest, loneliest
place all.
I stll belee, but I eee help my ubele. I eeeto cast my axetes o Hm, who cared or me. Scrpture had
ge me a ramework or prayg through my ubele, but I
was reusg to see t ad use t. Dad, the psalmst, sums up
ths ramework perectly Psalm 13a dark ad tormeted,
but ultmately hopeul, pcture o beleg through suferg:
Hw lg wll yu he yu ace m me?
Hw lg must I westle wth my thughts
a ay ate ay hae sw my heat?
Hw lg wll my eemy tumph e me?
Lk me a aswe, Lord my G.
Ge lght t my eyes, I wll sleep eath,
a my eemy wll say, I hae ecme hm,
a my es wll ejce whe I all.
But I tust yu ualg le;
my heat ejces yu salat.
I wll sg the Lords pase,
he has bee g t me. (niv)
It raed ad we droe ad cred. Musc ddt soud good.
F t taste g. The wl seeme ak a bleak.
Le seeme a sees sapptmets, peppee wth c-
casoal rays o hope. I sletly hoped that my we stll loed
me the mst all ths alue, but I thk I als wult
hae blame he she t.