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RefreshRefreshRefreshI am aliveMy heart is beating andMy lungs are inhaling and
ExhalingAnd my mind is creating andI am alive.I will not waste away.My body feels tired butI refuse to wasteAway.I want to pour bucketsOf cold water on my
Head and peel the fog fromMy eyesThat veils my vision likeKudzu and I want toBe alive becauseIAmAlive.
Unnecessary Haiku 4/75For being large curd,
This cottage cheese is pretty
Minuscule to me.
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Unnecessary Haiku 5/75
What is the right way?
Brushing your teeth before or
After you floss them?
Unnecessary Haiku 6/75
My mouth is frothing
Maple seedlings and my throat
Is filled with dried leaves.
Unnecessary Haiku 7/75
White-out is good for
Words on paper but not forFeelings in your heart
Unnecessary Haiku 8/75
I always sleep well
After eating two crunchwraps
From that Taco Bell.
Unnecessary Haiku 9/75
Do you think that cats
Weigh themselves when their humans
Are asleep at night?
Unnecessary Haiku 10/75
How does someone eat
A whole entire supreme
Pizza to themselves?
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Unnecessary Haiku 11/75
I mistook my pack
Of Zoloft for my cell phone
And called 9-1-1.
Getting HIV Was The Last Thing On My Mind
You are a butterfly pinned
To a corkboard, wings splayed
Between pieces of shattered
Glass that once covered
Your fragile body. Your
Vulnerability makes you even
More attractive and I
Find myself cutting my
Fingers to pick through
The shards and gather you in my
Bloody fingertips.
Jesus Doesn't Trim His FingernailsI met Jesus at eight p.m. on
A Wednesday night some
Years ago at a
Restaurant Id later never visit
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Again. He played bass
Guitar with his head
Down in the corner by the
Arcade golf game while
Sipping rum and coke. He wore
Homemade metal rings on
His fingers and played his
Favorite Death Cab For Cutie songs
On the jukebox for a dollar a
Pop. We discussed what Brothers On A
Hotel Bed" meant to him and what his
Philosophy on life wasthat everything
Would be okay, no matter what;
That it is what itIs and everything happens
For a reason.
Everything
Happens
For
A
Reason;
Even meeting Jesus at a hole-in-The-wall restaurant on that Wednesday
In May.
Unnecessary Haiku 12/75
Do you want to guide
Me? Or will you be the one
To guide me straight home?
Unnecessary Haiku 13/75
I placed my lips on
The curve of your clavicle
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As we fell asleep.
Unnecessary Haiku 14/75
It's impossible
To guide others when you don't
Even know the way.
Unnecessary Haiku 15/75
Writing is taking
A deep breath from the real word
For just a second.
Unnecessary Haiku 16/75
Let your flesh and mine
Become one with each other
Underneath the grass.
Unnecessary Haiku 17/75
Viscosity was
In her voice when she told me
She'd gotten cancer.
Unnecessary Haiku 18/75
What is the point of
Only having one bookend
When you must have two?
Unnecessary Haiku 19/75
The skeleton crew
Arrived as I scrambled toFall asleep in peace.
Unnecessary Haiku 20/75
My two eyes are two
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Different sizes when I
Truly am smiling.
Unnecessary Haiku 21/75
You only exist
In the way you portray yourBeing to the world.
Unnecessary Haiku 22/75
There are unknown plants
Inhabiting my backyard.
Invaders from space.
Unnecessary Haiku 23/75
I sneezed while I peed
And it was actually
Uncomfortable.
Unnecessary Haiku 24/75
Our cat does not like
When Skrillex drops the bass at
Volume seventeen.
Unnecessary Haiku 25/75
Every time I
Vacuum, I dismiss the spot
Where my grandpa died.
Ginger
One time I went to a fancy
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Cupcakery and bought two
Five-dollar pastries for the hell of
Wasting money and licked
Off the frosting and left
The cake portions scattered like
Voluptuous warts and the crumbs
Like ants infesting the cold, metal
Tables for the redhead behind the
Counter to clean up. She
Gave me a look that said, "This is
Not part of my job description"
As I sucked buttercream
Off of my thumb as I
Filled out a comment cardThat said, "The icing on Marsh's
Cakes is better than this," clambered
Out of my chair, and let the
Bells on the door say goodbye
For me.
Unnecessary Haiku 26/75
My skin is peeling
Into continents just like
Pangaea once did.
Unnecessary Haiku 27/75
Safe and sound we are
Entangled in false structures
Waiting for rescue.
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Things I Learned/Experienced In Jail
Have your bunkies back and they will have yours. This means offering up
your leftover square pizza and vanilla pudding to her before offering it to
anyone from any other cell.
Jail makes even the most uncreative person into the most resourcefulperson on the planet. Turn an empty Jolly Rancher bag into a peanut buttersandwich baggie; turn Irish Spring soap and shampoo into laundrydetergent.
Being soft-hearted gets you nowhere except sitting alone at TV time whileeveryone else plays spades or in your cell with your nose in a borrowedbook about AIDS with peculiar blood stains on the pages or doing a wordsearch entitled Types of Apples in your cell mates commissary leisurebook with a safety pen. Comforting.
Be prepared to trade mint sticks and ramen noodles for Cactus Annies off-brand nacho cheese tortilla chips and windowsill pickles so your bunkie canmake her midnight snack with leftover chopped bologna and week-oldcheez wiz. Betty Chopper.
Toothpaste spots on the cinderblock walls are the marks of the rulebreakers. They also look like ejaculate stains. Just another reason youshould keep your mouth shut while you sleep; you dont want someoneshair blanket in your face.
Blue and black tally marks are proof of time served or maybe they are to
give future cell occupants hope of getting out. Inmates scrawl their JohnHancocks on the walls as if to say they are proud to have been in cell F601.They say its bad luck to leave your mark on the wall or a book unread-ifyou do, youre surely coming back to see them again.
Coffee is gold there and fresh tomatoes are a hot commodity and a piece ofhard candy and a carton of Prairie Farms milk can get you farther than youthink.
No matter what the nurse in charge says, you are not allowed to havedouble mats on your bunk, especially if you have one of the nicer, newer
Tempurpedic-like ones with the built in pillows. Otherwise, its on the floor in
a boat with your head by the toilet. Sleeping next to a stranger while theyshit out four days worth of food isnt thrilling.
The toilet is used as a trash can, by the way. It is the most powerfulvacuum-like thing you could ever imagine. Everything is discarded therefrom feminine products to apple cores. Dont flush your butt cheeks downthe toilet, they said. Dont get a sucker stick stuck up your butt, they
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said.
This isnt Lockup Raw.
Unnecessary Haiku 28/75
Spit wads flying in
The back seat as we're driving;
Settle down there, kids.
Unnecessary Haiku 29/75
Experiencing
You was like the first time I
Rode on a coaster.
Unnecessary Haiku 30/75
You are barbecue
Chips forgotten underneath
The kitchen table.
Unnecessary Haiku 31/75
I drink water fromRed Solo Cups instead of
Using real glasses.
Unnecessary Haiku 32/75
I spell out all the
Words I'm saying like I am
Typing them all out.
Unnecessary Haiku 33/75
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Let's run off to the
Art museum and try to
Understand ourselves.
Unnecessary Haiku 34/75
To buy ChipotleOr to not buy Chipotle?
That is the question.
Unnecessary Haiku 35/75
I really dont mind
If we sit and stare at each
Other and just smile.
Unnecessary Haiku 36/75
I am a dragon
You are also a dragon
Maybe we're soulmates.
Unnecessary Haiku 37/75
Getting along with
You is like pulling popcorn
Kernels from my teeth.
Unnecessary Haiku 38/75
Let's talk about the
Lives of bees and how you areWay out of my league.
Unnecessary Haiku 39/75
Most people are stale
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Boxed doughnuts but I want to
Be a fresh doughnut.
Unnecessary Haiku 40/75
The sound of freckles
On skin is the sound of rainDrops on empty lakes.
Unnecessary Haiku 41/75
Cheetos are not chips
And the word orange is a
Color and a fruit.
Unnecessary Haiku 42/75
Getting an Xbox
Achievement for the price of
Your frozen yogurt.
Unnecessary Haiku 43/75
Maternity clothes
Are often more attractive
Than regular clothes.
Unnecessary Haiku 44/75
Let's have a food fight.
I call the pan of pasta
Sauce, if you don't mind.
Unnecessary Haiku 45/75
My deodorant
Makes my armpits smell shower
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Fresh throughout the day.
Sixteen Dollars
The guy sitting next to me in the lobby at Great Clips is staring at me
out of the corner of his eye and, according to the customer wait list,
his name is Frank. Maybe he knows my name is Jennifer. Maybe he
doesnt. I hope he doesnt. Maybe he is too busy staring at me out of
his peripheral vision. What a creep.
"FRANK," announces the next-available stylist as she eagle-eyes theroom for her client, despite the fact that Frank is the only male in thesmall waiting area. He looks wary as he studies the lady chirping hisname. I cant blame him, as she doesnt seem like the person Id trust
with my hair to a pair of clearance scissors from Sallys Beauty Supply.
Upon entering Great Clips, this same scissors-wielding woman eyedme up and down to the tune of Sugar Rays Fly" as she took myname in the registry and told me my wait would be about fifteenminutes. After giving me the once-over, noticing my expandedstomach and realizing it wasnt from eating too much fast food, shesmirked and turned around without another word. Being eight monthspregnant, I figured she would have had a little more empathy for a
fellow maternal figure. I guess the difference between us was not thecolor of our skin. The difference was that she had a wedding ringplastered to her finger and my ring finger was bare.
Franks eyes are no longer focused on methank goodnessas he istaken under the wing of the stylist with the unknown name.
There are two girls on the list named Meg and Annie with a stuck-upmom who bought them bagels and Starbucks to appease them asthey wait for their chlorine treatments. Easy on Annie, shessensitive," Mother chides. Eye rolls from the pregnant hair stylist areshot her way as the mom leaves the girls sipping and munching to getStarbucks for herself and it is my turn.
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A womans curvy figure approaches and her nametag reads Lindsey."I am relieved that I have been spared from the wrath of the pregnantbeautician. Lindsey begins the usual polite conversation-starters asshe leads me back to her booththe booth next to the one Frank hasoccupied with his now-nearly-shaved head. He peers at me through
the gap in the triangle-shaped partition and I pretend not to notice.
I explain to my warm-demeanored stylist that I simply want the backof my neck cleaned up and re-shaped. I also tell her I want my hairthinned out. Lindsey nods her head in understandingor what I tookas her understanding meas I feel her attempt to wet my hair withthe spray bottle and begin to clip the back. I explain that my hair islike that of a dogwaterproof coat and allwhich makes her gigglenervously, drawing Franks attention as he leaves the booth next to
me with money in hand. I feel comfort wash over me as I watchLindsey work on my hair in the mirror and as I watch Frank leave thebuilding.
As Lindsey has me place my head face-down so she can finish up theback of my head, I hear the pregnant hair-Nazi call Meg and Annieback to the sinks for their hair treatments. She is careful to abide bythe mothers wishes as I hear her call for someone to cover Anniestwiggy legs with spare smocks so she doesnt freeze her poor self to
death." My turn to roll my eyes.
A quick blow-dry and look at the back of my head with a mirror and Itell Lindsey she has done a wonderful job through gritted teeth. GreatClips can only do so much, and I wasnt going to make a scene aboutsomething she couldnt fix. She makes sure to begin the usual politeconversation-enders as she leads me to the register, commenting onhow cute my pair of Vans with the Hello Kitty pattern are. I give her ahalf-smile as she rings me up and I grab out sixteen dollarstwelve
dollars for the cut, plus four dollar tipand allow the bells on the doorto say goodbye for me.
Upon entering the car, my grandmother gushes about my haircut,telling me how adorable I lookas if adorable" is an appropriate termfor a 22-year-oldand asks me how I feel. I reply that sixteen dollars
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wasnt worth the experience.
Unnecessary Haiku 46/75
Kittens are cute but
Not when you are stuck cleaning
Out the litterbox.
Unnecessary Haiku 47/75
What are the chances
That we did not receive post
On a normal day?
Unnecessary Haiku 48/75
Maybe we're icebergs
Or maybe we're tree roots or
Maybe we're humans.
Unnecessary Haiku 49/75
I think frogs are cute
Except when they die in your
Pool from the chlorine.
Unnecessary Haiku 50/75
My ears are my lungs,
For without them I could not
Take a single breath.
Unnecessary Haiku 51/75
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Why can my legs not
Just shave themselves? This is the
Year twenty-thirteen.
Unnecessary Haiku 52/75
All that's on TVAre shows about the Amish
Moving to cities.
Unnecessary Haiku 53/75
How many haikus
Is too many haikus for
One person to write?
Unnecessary Haiku 54/75
Let me just hold you
And mold my body to yours
As we fall asleep.
Unnecessary Haiku 55/75
Who even uses
A stapler to hold up their
iPad anyway?
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Oliviah
Im sitting.Im sitting on a couch
That has been sitting in
This basement since before
I was born.
If there were Xbox
Achievements for couches, this
Couch would have an
Achievement for lasting fiveGenerations.
Im letting my trichotillomania
Get the best of me
As I watch Juno" and compare
It to the situation Im
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Currently in. I pick at my
Eyelashes when Im nervous
And the part of the movie
Where she gives birth makes
Me too nervous to even
Watch anymore.
So Im sitting;
Im sitting on the antique
Couch, picking at my eyelashes,
To keep myself calm while
Avoiding the fact that the generation
Inside me will find herself
On a different couch than this one.
Unnecessary Haiku 56/75
Even backups need
A backup who may also
Need their own backup.
Unnecessary Haiku 57/75
The satisfaction
Of fully popping a zitThe very first try.
Unnecessary Haiku 58/75
I hate the smell that
Gas stoves emit when they start
Preheating to bake.
Unnecessary Haiku 59/75
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Give me a pizza
And it will feed me for an
Entire day or more.
Unnecessary Haiku 60/75
Did you get luckyFrom staying up all night or
Is that just a myth?
Unnecessary Haiku 61/75
Pitch Perfect is too
About music. You are such
A friggin' liar.
Unnecessary Haiku 62/75
Brie, Gouda, Muenster,
Feta, Goat, Bleu, Parmesan,
American cheese.
Unnecessary Haiku 63/75
Why do you have a
Picture of me as a five-
Year-old on your wall?
Unnecessary Haiku 64/75
Private school does not
Fix teenage rebellion.
Bottom line. The end.
Perspective From The Back Of A Moving Vehicle
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Nineteen firefighters in a taxi cab listening to rap music while two kids
throw grapes over houses and catch them on the other side while two
girls reenact old go-gurt commercials on the trampoline.
I'll Faint Before I Pay For Water
I almost passed out today
While standing in line at Target so I
Laid my head down on the register
And the cashier told me to go
Get some water from
Starbucks
But my vision was too blurry
To find 50 cents in my pocket
To buy any.
Unnecessary Haiku 65/75
Who cooks red beans and
Rice at eight o'clock at night?
Thats correct, I do.
Unnecessary Haiku 66/75
Can we just listenTo Sigur Ros and pretend
The world is okay?
Unnecessary Haiku 67/75
Water constitutes
The majority of our
Bodies and our lives.
Unnecessary Haiku 68/75
I used to call the
Radio station so I
Could be live on air.
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Unnecessary Haiku 69/75
Was that your stomach
Making noise or was that the
Trash truck down the street?
Unnecessary Haiku 70/75
Cottage cheese is now
Considered a substitute
For eating meat. Nice.
Unnecessary Haiku 71/75
The river is dry
And the land is wet and thats
A predicament.
Unnecessary Haiku 72/75
I buy Jones soda
For the bottles, not the drink.
That makes lots of sense.
Unnecessary Haiku 73/75
You know what I hate?
Internet Explorer and
unburned marshmallows.
Unnecessary Haiku 74/75
Can you explain why
One plus one does not always
Come to equal two?
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Unnecessary Haiku 75/75
The price of gas is
Fluctuating like the moods
Of a teenage girl.
Potassium
My cousin yawns like my grandpa and scratches her head like my
grandma but that is probably because they raised her for the majority
of her life.
I cant really think of any quirks I may have inherited from my parents.
Maybe its because Im not blood-related.
Maybe its because Im unique.
Maybe its because I dont want to imitate people who can remember
the first time I ever shaved my legs and got razor-burn so bad that I
couldnt walk but they cant remember the fact that I have never liked
bananas.
Even my cousin remembers I dont like bananas.
I Read It On The Internet So It Must Be True [About The
Author]
I am a litigation partner with aLaw firm in Chicago.I am a female body-builder.
I am a map of the New England area
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Of the United States.
I am a fat, bulbous
Man with a diastema and I
Gained 40 pounds and went
To Disney World.
I mask myself as Big Bird when
I go to the beach.
I am a realtor for Century 21 in
San Diego and I am a culinary
Professional in Phoenix.
In my spare time, I am
A medal-winning diver in
Great Britain.
Google said so.