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HarperImpulse an imprint of
HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
7785 Fulham Palace RoadHammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2013
Copyright Linn B. Halton
Cover Images Shutterstock.com
Linn B. Halton asserts the moral right
to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is
available from the British Library
This novel is entirely a work of fiction.
The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are
the work of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is
entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International
and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
By payment of the required fees, you have been granted
the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access
and read the text of this e-book on screen.
No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted,
downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or
stored in or introduced into any information storage and
retrieval system, in any form or by any means,
whether electronic or mechanical, now known or
hereinafter invented, without the express
written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition October 2013
ISBN: 9780007553891Version 2013-10-09
Digital eFirst: Automatically produced by Atomik ePublisher from Easypress.
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Ceri
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Chapter One - Being Me
ihav no da xactly whn i bgan sng angls, but i cantsm to mmb a tm whn i couldnt. it fls lk tsalways bn a pat of my lf. its as natual as bathng and,
ys, th a tms whn i wsh that wasnt th cas. i sously
doubt anyon would choos to gt dawn nto somthng thy
dont ally undstand. Why would thy?iv ad books of cous, and talkd to many popl who thnk
thy know how t all woks. Whn i say t i man lf aft dath,
o whatv xsts byond th h and now. What i hav found
s a vy dvs ang of opnons, oftn gvn out as f thy a
factual and wth a blf so stong that t sms unshakabl. And
thats tu whth th pson s an adamant scptc, o a blv.
Th pont show can anyon know fo su untl ts th tunto follow th lght nto what ls byond?
As i st my cappuccno, th hat-shapd chocolat powd
bgns to mlt nto a swath of pal bown tals. it stks m
that ts a good analogywhn somthng you s s not what
t sms. On momnt t appas to b somthng of substanc
and n a flash ts gon. its th sam wth my angls: almost al
but not qut. i may b abl to s thm at tms, but ts alwaysmly sconds bfo thy dsappa.
Pnny fo you thoughts. Sbs voc baks my v.
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i look up at hm. im thnkng about angls.
Oh, id hopd t was somthng monomal. H closs
th convsaton bfo t has vn bgun and i als that mywondful both s smply out of hs dpth. it lavs m flng
gulty agan. Why do i kp dong ths to myslf and to oth
popl? Havnt i bn slappd n th fac oftn nough to know
that popl loath th wod angls. it mnds thm of dath:
of lovd ons lost and anoth wold that only xsts n fantasy.
excpt, of cous, i know btt.
So, i ty to kp my voc upbat and ptnd im not dsap-
pontd hs fald th tst agan, why an autumn wddng?
Anna has found h pfct dss fo th day and ts d. H
hat s st on t and sh wants th guys to wa Scottsh klts,
h smks.
But ths no Scottsh blood n ou famly, i pont out.
No, tu, although Anna says h gat-gandfaths scondcousn was a Lad. W bust out laughng at xactly th sam
momnt and say n unson, Mga! Typcal of th lnk w hav
as non-dntcal twns who a n tun on many lvls, but so
oppost n oth ways. iv nv flt that w stuggl to asst ou
own dntts though and i lk to thnk Sb fls th sam way.
And basd on that tnuous lnk youll b skng somon to
pp you n i suppos? i cant sst tasng hm, but im smplymaskng my concn. i hat myslf fo th sns of knowng that
i cant shak off. Shs gong to hut hm, mo than anyon has
v don n th past and hs gong to cumbl.
How dd you guss? h qups, and i chuckl at th thought
of somon ppng my both up th asl. H has hay lgs,
knobbly kns, and thnks that all Scotland has to off s som
amazng mountans to clmb.Wll, at last tll m you gong to Scotland fo you hony-
moon, i ply. H shaks hs had.
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No, Calfona. Anna wants to do th Hollywood walk of fam.
i study my boths fac. Hs a happy man and thats all
that matts n th gand schm of thngs, but th Anna wantsphas sms to kp coppng up n vy convsaton w hav
ths days. is that how shs gong to fal hm? O s t Sb who s
gong to fal, adong h too much and makng th latonshp
on-sdd: all gv and no tak bcaus hs sadly, madly n lov?
Fabulous, s all i can fnd to say, holdng back th wods n
my had that hav to man unspokn. in my hat i know shs
a lovly lady, but my both s an ntstng guy and hs nv
fttd th mould. A bt lk m, i suppos. Only Sb dosnt s
angls and somtms i wond f h thnks im possssd, o
mad. i know h wont nttan any das about an aftlf, but
asd fom that hs usd to thnkng outsd th box. My gatst
concn s that Anna s athwll, pdctabl, tndy. Okay,
what i want to say s shallow, but that maks m fl man andts not tu. Thn i als that ts th vb agan, th knowng.
Whn xactly th hut wll com i hav no da, but my nstncts
tll m ts th, somwh n th futu. Wthout undstandng
what o how, all i can do s st back and wat, thn hlp to pck
up th pcs.
im fn, Sb says, placng hs hand assungly on my am. i
lov Anna and f thats what maks h happy thn im happy too.Hs voc baks my tan of thought. Th angls, Sb shfts
n hs cha uncomfotably, you do know ts all a fgmnt of
you magnaton? You an xtmly snstv pson and you
ov-thnk thngs, C. i nhtd th pactcal sklls and you
nhtd th catv ons. Dont gt suckd n, and mmb
that you cant blv vythng you ad. H fngs a book lyng
on th tabl nxt to hm. Th ttl s Never Alone, and ts abouta woman who ss spts.
i nod, nwadly shakng my had, and a pat of m s sad that
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h has no da. its not that i know all th answs: f i dd i
would b bangng hs had aganst a wall untl h lstnd to m.
i cant pov anythng and i wond f thats th whol pont. Toblv you hav to s abov ndng to b shown. You smply
nd to s wth you ys wd opn. What i do know s that so
fa i hav a jounal that shows iv altd th cous of vnts
fo ov on hundd and thty-on popl.
What that mans, i hav no da.
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Chapter Two - A Normal Day
Th momnt i awakn i can fl t; a sns of unasy antcpa-ton. i ty to shut t out and concntat on th mundangttng dssd, bushng my ha, clanng my tth. it dosnt
pass, but th ntnsty lssns. i stp outsd and hav to foc
myslf not to tun aound. instad i stand fo a momnt, tak a
dp bath, and bgn walkng.Th sky s that shad of conflow blu that halds th stat of
a ally sunny day. Ths hadly a cloud n th sky and th bd-
song sounds lk an ochsta tunng up bfo act on. Suddnly
i fl much btt; lght and mo optmstc. im woyng
about nothng and i gv myslf a mntal shak as i walk. i hav
to stop lvng my lf xpctng somthng untowad to happn;
mayb ts tu what thy say about kama and sndng out postvthoughts to th unvs. if im constantly sndng out woy and
apphnson, thn mayb im a magnt fo all th stay ngatvty
floatng aound n th th.
i bak nto a sml and th old lady walkng past m glancs
my way, fownng. it maks m chuckl and i can fl th tnson
lavng my nck and shoulds. its a good day to b alv and
nstad of pondng about what mght o mght not happn, iconcntat on my suoundngs. it taks about twnty mnuts
to walk to th offc and thats th bauty of lvng n a gn and
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lafy pat of Gloucstsh. i walk past th pak, and th colouful
blossoms bakng out on th ts a such a wondful contast
to th constant stam of taffc n th monng ush hou.C, my nam appas to float on th gntl monng bz.
i tun my had and s ts my boss, Mason Potngal, stdng
to catch up wth m.
Monng Mason. im plasd that my voc sounds chful
and confdnt.
rady fo ou bg banstomng ssson? H ps at m and
hs ton sounds accusatoy, as f i mght hav fogottn about t.
Mason cant hlp bng somwhat cut, ts th way h s and i
hav to b caful whn im aound hm. Potngal & Hughs
Advtsng s a pstgous fm and th momnt i stp ov th
thshold i bcom a slghtly dffnt C: labl, sold, an das
pson and bubbly. A sot of obot ally, dvocng myslf fom
th thngs that mak m dffnt to most oth popl aound m.Cant wat, i sml ncouagngly. Actually, iv thought of
nothng ls ths last wk.
im countng on som good das comng fom you con.
its a bg contact and w nd to mpss th Cout-Abl xcu-
tvs wth som ognal concpts.
i thnk to myslf that a Good monng C would hav bn
nc. i was hopng fo a laxng walk nto wok, not a bus-nss mtng. Of cous. iv com up wth somthng a lttl
dffnt fom th usual styl. Howv, t ally dos dpnd
on what xactly thy a lookng fo, Mason. Th bf s ptty
wd-angng. i glanc at hm, not wantng to connct wth hm
fo any long than i hav to. My nstncts hav always told m
to b way of hm, but i hav no da why.
Okay, un t past m. Hs clppd ton nfs that i dont hava choc and th bakfast mtng has bgun.
Wll, i know thy a kn to kp pushng th oganc contnt
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of th fut jucs, but th nt band s synonymous wth that
alady. Phaps w should cnt th nxt campagn on lfstyl.
i paus to s f im way off wth ths da o f hs ntstd,but h gvs nothng away.
And? W stop to coss th oad and i stp fowad, lvl wth
hm; Mason sms ath annoyd i cant match hs walkng pac
and i kp laggng a stp o two bhnd. H glancs down at m
and ts had to gno th flng that i smply dont lk ths man.
essntally t would focus on th happnss that coms as a
sult of pusung a halthy lfstyl. Th hadln would b Th
sun always shns on happy popl and im thnkng Good Day
Sunshine by Th Batls. Shot, smpl.
Mmm. Thats t. No acton. Oh wll, wll hav to wat and
s what th st of th tam com up wth.
W nt th buldng, sgn n at th dsk, and h walks off
n th dcton of hs offc wthout sayng anoth wod. WthMason you can nv tll f youv upst hm o hs smply bng
hmslf. rud oftn spngs to mnd.
A lttl shv tavls down my back. Wowwh dd that
com fom? As i nt th lft i assum ts bcaus th sunshn
outsd was ally wam and th lobby s qut chlly. All that
xpnsv mabl i suppos.
***
its a day of p-mtngs and plannng bfo th clnt coms
n at th oclock fo th banstomng ssson. My collagu,
Alx Dlano, and i spnd most of th monng pullng togth
som vsuals to go wth th Good Day Sunshn da. W sach
though th modllng agncy potfolos fo a sutabl canddatwhos appaanc scams halth, vtalty and happnss.
Lov th look of ths on, Alx bams.
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Kp you mnd on th wok, not whats n th bkn, i
mnd hm and w both stat laughng.
Such a had job, but somon has to do t! H olls hs ysand ass hs coff cup. Anoth on?
Yp, although i suppos w should b dnkng som halthy
juc thats full of vtamns and antoxdants.
Okay, h ntupts. i admt, youv com up wth a gat
da and th oths ant gong to b n wth a chanc bcaus
wv had all that bfo. You hav a catv mnd, C, ths
no doubt about that.
Alx sashays away, ts hs tadmak. iv oftn wondd f
hs gay. H nv talks about glfnds, although i know h
has lots of fnds of both sxs. Hs gat to b aound and h
gvs out good vbs. W wok wll as a tam and th a tms
whn i thnk that i wouldnt stll b h, wokng fo Mason, f
t wasnt fo Alx. Hs postvty and good kama mak up fo thdscomfot i fl whnv im n Masons company. Fotunatly
thats kpt to th mnmum, as Mason Potngal aly mxs
wth th nty-lvl managmnt tam.
You coff madam, Alx achs acoss to plac th mug n
font of m.
Thanks. So you thnk ths s a wnn thn? i look at th shts
wv quckly pulld togth fo th tn mnut psntaton.Su do. i thnk cntng th campagn on that conc Batls
song s nspd. Th wods a such an amazng ft. its a wnn
C. Hs am bushs aganst mn as h sts down and i mov
slghtly, not wantng hm to fl uncomfotabl. W xchang
smls and i cant hlp shkng. i thnk w on t wth ths
on! i fght to kp th volum down and w do th sttng down,
stampng-ou-ft happy danc.Hgh-fv boss, youv don t agan!
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***
i lav at fv-thty and tak a lsuly stoll back to my apat-mnt. im on a hgh bcaus th clnt was full of nthusasm fo
th das Alx and i bought to th mtng ths aftnoon.
Thn t happns.
Th dappld sunshn flctng on th pavmnt fom th tall
ts ovhad suddnly pals. evythng bcoms slghtly opaqu:
ts lk lookng at an old photo wh th colou s tond down.
My footstps sm to slow fo no appant ason at all. Th a
s hav, ts had to fll my lungs and th sounds aound m
sm to hav bn tund down a notch o two. Thn i s a young
man. H fts nto th pctu n font of m as f hs a pat of
t, yt i know h snt al. W mak y contact fo th bfst
scond and h tuns to fac th oad, thn hs gon. Thats f h
was v ally th.Panc bgns to ovtak my thoughts. A dog uns past m and
my ys follow t, wondng why t snt on a lad. Ths no own
n sght, thn th young man appas agan fom nowh, standng
about fv o sx ft away fom m. Hs mly a shadow, lk
th pal, dappld pools of sunlght on th pavmnt. Th bz
movs th lavs aound hgh ovhad and th lght flcks,
makng hm blnd n vn mo. Ou ys mt, lock, and n thatnstant i can s hm mo claly. H wants m to stop th dog.
i bak nto a un, wondng how i can waylay th anmal
bfo h achs th busy man oad. im cayng my mobl
phon and my bag s slung ov my should, but asd fom that
i hav nothng wth whch to catch hm. My pac quckns and
i can s that h has slowd, a lttl spookd by th sound of th
havy taffc ahad.My mnd plays out th scn of th dog unnng nto th oad
and a ca havng to swv suddnly to avod httng hm. Th ca
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slws nto a cyclst who bgns to ovtak hm, angy hs slowd
down wth no appant ason and unabl, hmslf, to s th dog.
Th sound of th collson s scknng.i thow down my phon and bag thn quckly slp my ams
out of my lnn jackt. Th gap closs and i toss th jackt nto
th a, hopng t wll land on my tagt. it covs th poo lttl
guys had and shoulds, dapng down ov hs font lgs, and
bngs hm to a halt almost nstantly. All i can s s a a nd
that quckly dsappas as h tuns half-ccl, tyng to shak off
th jackt. Hs only a fw ft away fom th oad. i look to th
lft and i s th cyclst, slppng nto th spac n font of th
ca that s lss than tn ft away fom m. Hs totally unawa
of cous and contnus wavng n and out of th taffc. i clos
my ys and utt a slnt pay. Th sound of ylpng bngs
m back nto th momnt. Th dog has managd to f hmslf.
Chal!Th dog uns past m n th dcton of hs anxous own.
Thank you. Hs voc flcts th fact that h alss Chal
was lucky. im so vy gatful to you. i cant blv h an off
lk that, i dont know how you managd to act so quckly. rally,
that was amazng. i cant vn bgn to thnk what mght hav
happnd f hd causd an accdnt. H bnds to hug Chal, who
s jumpng aound lk a lv w. You lucky Chal, lucky tob h and lucky you ddnt gt somon ls hut. Both dog and
own look up at m. i tak a fw dp baths, tyng to gan
my composu, and focus on dustng off my jackt.
No poblm, i say casually. rght plac, ght tm.
Th guy contnus to sta at m whn i say a casual goodby
and walk away. i can fl hs ys on m and a sns of dsblf
at what has just occud. Th scn that kps playng ovand ov agan n my had s lk a tal fom a hoo mov.
i wnc as th sound of mtal cunchng aganst bon assaults
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my as. Tas fll my ys. i cant stop thm bmmng ov and
unnng down my chks. Anoth psod fo my log: numb
on hundd and thty-two.
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