Community Education Service Child and Adolescent Addiction and Mental Health
Parenting a Child with Disruptive Behaviours
Art or Science?
o Managing children with explosive behaviour is both an art and science
o The art is knowing that it is more about who you are in relationship to these children then what you do
o The Science is the actual strategies you will use in addressing the behaviour
o ButStrategies alone are never enough
Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum
1. Childs temperament and other characteristics
How would you describe the childs temperament?
What motivates him/her?
2. The history of interactions between parent-child
What gets a reaction, what does not?
What does the child get for good vs. bad behaviour?
Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum...
3. Parent/Caregiver personality
How would you describe yours or the parents temperament? Yours or the parents threshold for stress, excitement, intimacy
4. All the other bits of familys environment
Events, situations and stressors that may have affected the child
Face an increasing gap between expectations and abilities
Provoke negative responses from caregivers, teachers, and peers
May not have developed the brain pathways required for planning, tying actions to consequences, impulse control, perspective taking, etc.
Children with Behavioral Issues
Traditional strategies such as time outs, ignoring, withdrawal of privileges, etc. can be ineffective and sometimes even make things worse.
Children with Behavioral Issues...
Developmental vs. Behavioural Mistakes
Developmental Errors
Children are trying to make the correct response
Errors are accidental
Learning requires exploration
They need additional or modified teaching
Behavioural Errors
Children are trying to be disruptive - that is, to make an incorrect response
Errors are deliberate
Children should not explore limits; they should obey them
Children with behavioural difficulties need discipline
Adapted from Louise Porter, Ph.D.
Children with Behavioural Issues: Assumptions
These children need patience more than discipline
Most pestering behaviour is really a bid for connection or attention
These children are often inept at giving accurate cues
Winning Hearts and Minds
Do not insist on parenting or disciplining until the child has been properly collected (connecting before correcting)
The more impossible to be around children are, the more they are indicating their need to be collected and reclaimed
But we must first come to terms with the futility of addressing behaviour and focus on the task of restoring relationship
Collecting Before Correcting
The collecting dance is most obvious in infant-parent pairs:
Engaging the face in a friendly way
Providing something for the child to hold on to
Inviting dependence
Acting as the childs compass point
Engaging the Face
More difficult with children who have behaviour problems, are resistant to relationship, or entering their teen years
Especially important after separation: physical separation or after distancing due to misunderstanding or anger
This is different from insisting that a child look at you when youre discipliningfor children with behavioural issues forcing them to look at you may not be effective or helpful.
Sorry??
It is often more important to help children demonstrate an act of repair after an incident of bad behaviour i.e. modelling gentle touch or sharing with their peer rather than insisting on the words Im sorry.
Something To Hold On To
Signs of spontaneous affection are potent
Emotional warmth, enjoyment and delight activate the attachment system
A twinkle in your eye, warmth in your voice and physical affection invite connection
For defended children you may need to focus on less vulnerable offerings: conveying a sense of sameness, being on their side, engaging them in play
Touch
Touch deprivation has been shown to impair development
In premature baby studies, massaged babies went home six days earlier than babies in the control group
Touch decreases stress hormones and increases
serotonin, the body's own antidepressant.
Tiffany Fields, Ph.D.
Inviting Dependence
You can trust us, count on us, lean on us, be cared for by us
We sometimes fear that inviting dependence is inviting regression
But, caregivers who invite dependence are more likely to be successful in fostering independence in the end
Allow them to lean without any sense of shame for their neediness
Acting as the Compass Point
Children are inclined to keep close to their compass point
The more we orient them, the more inclined they are to keep close to us
This is what were doing today
This is where Ill be
This is who will be taking care of you
This is who you ask if you need help
I can see youre going too far with this
Let me show you how this works
Reframing Resistance
A child with behavioural issues may know what is expected, but is unable to deliver
This may be a problem of maturity, emotional regulation, anxiety, insecurity, delayed development
Discipline that Doesnt Divide
During the incident take charge and try to change the situation if necessary
This isnt good, I can tell your frustrated, but there are better ways to express your frustration, well talk about this laterfor now, lets take a break
Preserve the relational connection
I can help, well get through this and be OK
Once feelings have calmed and defences have diminished, re-collect the child, re-connect and get down to work
Access the Intervention Point
The key to intervening with aggressive behaviour is to perceive the child as frustrated
If we remember that aggression is an emotional problem, not a behavioural one everything else will follow.
Focus on frustration instead of behaviour
Render the form of attack less violating
Solicit good intentions, I can see what you were trying to get done, You really wanted to do it your way, I can see that
Help the futility sink in, But thats a decision/job for a grownup [or for Mom or Dad].
Reduce exposure to provoking situations
Examples Enforceable Statements
Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.
My car is leaving at 8 a.m.
Ill take you guys to the places you want to go in the car when I dont have to worry about fighting in the back seat
Ill be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.
I give allowance to those who finish their chores.
Ill provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.
Ill be happy to buy you the clothes I feel are appropriate.
Attachment Relationship with Primary Caregiver
Language Development
Self-Regulation
Empathy
Social Skills
School Readiness
Building Blocks
Childrens Arch Model
Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT
There are two things that secure children know: that their caregiver is available should they need them, and that they are worth it
Be consistent about the reliability of routine and relationship, this gives children a sense of security through structure and a sense of belonging
Childrens Arch Model
Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT
To communicate that your are available and that the child is worth it:
Identify activities that the child finds particularly enjoyable (e.g., reading books, riding bikes, playing cards), and
Set aside at least one period of time a day to engage in them, no matter how difficult the day may have been. This can be as little as 15 minutes each day.
Principle 2: BEHAVIOR AS NEED
Always view their problem behaviour as the expression of a genuine need
Some children have learned that they are generally not heard or that their needs are not noticed until they escalate their adult-grabbing behaviour high enough that they cannot be ignored
Principle 3: CUES AND MISCUES
Children who are generally seen, heard, and understood learn to cue their needs directly and anticipate that they will be met
When a caregiver has difficulty meeting their childs needs or is inconsistent, the child will adjust her behaviour to stay in relationship, and may begin to miscue needs.
Pain Miscue
For example, if a caregiver believes that big boys dont cry, their child may learn that when they fall, they should not cry out, or seek comfort
To correct this, the caregiver would need to go to him, pick him up and say, Oh, boy, that really looked like it hurt. Lets go wash it off and find a band-aid. Let me hold you, and so on
With this consistent response the child will stop miscuing and learn to cue directly.
Principle 4: BEING WITH
Be willing to be with the child in intense emotion rather than trying to make it stop
Be an emotional coach
This is tough, but it wont last forever
Im here
Principle 5: REPAIR
Despite your best efforts, there will be times when you fail miserably, moments during which you disrupt your connection and challenged your childs trust
Consider disruptions in your relationship as an opportunity to repair, to build intimacy
Principle 6: STATE OF MIND
These children may shake your sense of self to the very core
This is not of course an easy or comfortable process
The childs needs may be triggering you
Expect this and talk about it with other trusted adults
Challenges
What gets in the way of being the caregiver you want to be to this child?
Emotional tender spots
Temperament match/mismatch
Strategies
Floor time
Emotional Regulation
Transitioning Children
Importance of Praise
Support Peer Interaction and Play
Engaging Parents in the Plan
Case example
Calling in extra help (CMHC)
Floor Time
Establish Floor Time, where the child gets to be the director of the play
This will give you opportunities to label the childs feelings, build a positive connection with the child, find out what is on the childs mind and in their heart and give your child positive attention.
Emotional Regulation
Adapt to the childs temperament. Avoid over stimulating and provide him with calming activities
One-on-one floor time allows the child opportunities to express their feelings both positive and negative
Teach the child to label their feelings and the feelings of others (happy, sad, mad, scared). All feelings are okay but we need to be safe with our feelings.
Emotional Regulation
Teach and model conflict resolution or problem solving skills
Handle tantrums with empathy
Lets take a rest
Transitioning Children
Transitioning from one activity to another can be difficult for young children especially children with behavioral difficulties
Smoother transitions occur by posting the classroom schedule (with pictures for young children), giving a five minute warning, flicking lights, ringing a bell, standard clapping rhythm, timer or an hour glass can be helpful.
Transitioning Children
Young children do not have a concept of time so something concrete and visual is important
You can also use circle time to help teach children about the classroom schedule, first we go to music then we have lunch.
Importance of Praise
Research indicates that adults give 3 to 15 times as much attention to childrens misbehavior than to positive behaviors
Increase use of praise, attention and encouragement of positive behaviors
Clear and Specific, labeled praise describes the particular behavior you would like to see. I like that you remembered to keep your hands to yourself
Show Enthusiasm, the impact of a praised statement increases using verbal and non-verbal means of conveying enthusiasm.
Support Peer Interaction and Play
Model appropriate words and actions to enter the play, communicate with his peers
Caregivers facilitate social interactions, providing suggestions, cues or ways to solve problems to guide interactions
Providing guidance on feelings and social cues
Play partnering: setting up activities that promote peer relationships and cooperative play
Engaging Parents in the Plan
What we know is that family involvement has positive effects on childrens academic, social competence and school quality
Building a closer relationship with parents can be an effective way to build a closer relationship with the child. Ways to build and support collaboration with parents might include phone calls, notes home about childs success, invitation to parent to attend a brown bag lunch or some special event (if child is student of the day or week).
Parenting from the Inside Out
How one makes sense of their childhood experiences will have a significant impact on how they parent their own children. Two good resources are:
Parenting From the Inside Out
By Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell
Hold On To Your Kids By Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate
Acknowledgement
We would like to acknowledge the contributions of the many clinicians who participated in our Focus Groups and thus contributed to refreshing the content of this presentation. As well, we would like to thank the following clinicians who have gone the extra mile and made significant editorial and/or content contributions to this Presentation:
Marlene ONeill-Laberge, MSW, RSW,
Child and Family Specialist, CAMHP
Nicole Nagy, MSc., R. Psych.,
Collaborative Mental Health Care (CMHC)
Bibliography*
o Parenting From the Inside Out Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell
o Hold on to your kids Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate
*These resources are available from your local library and/or from
the Library at The Family and Community Resource Centre [contact
number: 403-955-7745]
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