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Authors
Relationships Australia (Victoria):
Andrew Bickerdike, Tony Gee, Paul Wiseman.
MensLine Australia:
Andrew King and Paul Ridgewell. Consultant Terry Melvin.
Research, writing, editing, book design and production by
Helpul Partners Pty Ltd.
Acknowledgements
We acknowledge the many men we work with and who put continualeort into improving their relationships. We have drawn on some o
their quotes and refections.
Funding
Relationships Australia receives unding rom the Australian, State and
Territory Governments and other agencies. We grateully acknowledge
this support which assists us to provide relationship services.
Copyright notice
Relationships Australia (Victoria) and Crisis Support Services Inc.
This work is copyright. You may download, display, print and reproduce
hi i l i l d l ( i i hi i )
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CONTENTS
WHY THIS BOOKL ET ?
The project: Renovate your relations
PROJECT SCOPE:
MEN AND RELATIONSHIPS
Project overview
Project plan
What do you want to build?
Measuring up
Project oundations
Trust, respect and equality
Mutual decision making and shared res
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WH
Many m
These g
More ot
men ee
suddenl
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The project:
Renovate your relationship
Project rationale:
Relationships are critically important or both men and women.
Men can take the initiative or relationship maintenance or improvement.
Men can be more alert to early warning signs when their relationships
are in difculty.
Men can tackle issues beore they become a crisis.
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PRO
MEN
Changin
Think ce
Conuse
Sometim
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Project overviewThink about all the things you really value such as:
your partner
your house
your garden
your hobbies
your sport
your car
your amily
your riends
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Project plan
What do you want to build?
Generally, you cant build without some sort o a plan.
Take a look at the list opposite. Tick some boxes or add things o your ow
Now take the next step
Sit down with your partner and ask them what they want.
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Project oundationsGood relationships are built on this scaolding.
Trust, respect and equality
Partners respect themselves and each other.
Partners eel equal, there is no ownership or domination by one person.
There are equal rights, opportunities and responsibilities.
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PROCheck o
Come b
Proje
DIY mea
Tool 1:
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Tool 1: Working together?
A reality check
A renovation project is easier with a mate to work with. A mate who is
working with you, one you know, trust and like.
You might think you know everything there is to know about yoursel and
your partner, but have you really thought about it? Do you still have the
same hopes, dreams and values?
H i i W i d h k
1
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Tool 2: Avoiding misunderstandingsSome people are better communicators than others. Communication is
something we all need to learn and improve on, because its an essentia
part o any healthy relationship.
Communication is very complex. We may hear things incorrectly, or
misinterpret the message. It is important when communicating with your
partner that you:
are clear about what you want to communicate
convey your message so that it can be received and understood as
2
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Tool 3: Sharpen up your listening
Everyone has two ears and one mouth
Many people complain that their eelings, opinions and priorities
are ignored or not heard.
It is sometimes hard to show that you are actively listening
(particularly i its stu you dont want to hear).
However, there are some simple techniques or good listening
(i i b i l i hi )
3
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Tool 4: Resolving confictUnresolved repeated conict is like rust it can corrode something that
once was resh and strong. Like rust, you cannot just leave it and hope it
will go away.
The bad news: conict is inevitable.
The good news: i dealt with properly it need not be destructive.
Child saety alert!
4
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Tool 5: When the roo blows o!
Anger and rustration
For many men, anger and rustration are the eelings most easy to express.
It may not be so easy to express hurt, sadness or ear.
Feelings o anger or rustration need to be managed careully to ensure they
dont damage communication. Anger is not usually a good response to
problems, even i it seems helpul in the short term.
5
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Tool 6: Who has the power?
Abuse and violence
Relationships have power dierences in them. Oten power in relationshi
can be imbalanced. How do you and your partner manage power?
Does someone have more power?
Does someone want to be top-dog?
Does someone want to make all the decisions?
D t t h th f l d?
6
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Stop and think beore you act.
Take time out to cool down.
Talk about your eelings or what you want.
Be prepared to negotiate.
Ask or help (see contact inormation or MensLine
Australia and Relationships Australia).
I you behave abusively or violently you need to change.
It is unlikely you can change this behaviour on your own.
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Work/lie balanceMy daughter has cystic fbrosis. It changed our lives. I became a
workaholic. My wie and I never talked about anything else. I was
burning out. I managed to see what was happening beore it wrecked
marriage. My partner and I settled or a more relaxed liestyle. I earn le
but my daughter still gets good care and lie is heaps better. Rodney,
Frankly, you cant expect to work on your relationship unless youve g
your own shit together. Ben, 35
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Tool 8: Renovate your sex lie
Dont conuse sex with intimacy
I sex is the physical act, intimacy is the closeness o eeling loved, valued,
respected or yoursel without judgement.
Without this kind o intimacy sex can become a desperate and
disappointing experience.
Intimacy with a partner does not always need to result in having sex.
8
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Tool 9: LoveFeelings o love change a lot throughout a relationship.
Romance The passionate, intense phase.
Challenges Kids, money, stress and amily crises kick in. This can lead
to disillusionment as we just try to survive day by day.
Companions Getting through the challenges together brings strong
9
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Tool 10: Valuing dierencesPeople are oten initially attracted to one other because their partner is
dierent to themselves. Then over time, these dierences can be seen
as problems.
For example, the way she took extra time to get ready was really cute at frst,
now it drives you crazy. Perhaps you think, i only she was more like me it
would be fne or even i only she did what I said it would be fne.
Relationships highlight dierences. We can either ocus on these as a
10
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Tool 11: AppreciationAcknowledge your appreciation o your partner by:
telling them, oten
taking responsibility or organising activities so that this responsibility
not just their job
making meals or sharing household chores
willingly participating in activities organised by your partner
giving simple gits that have meaning to your partner.
11
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Tool 13: Children Planning orthe extension
The arrival o the frst child is oten the start o your steepest learning curve.
You and your partner may never have done this beore. Overnight the
relationship changes rom being a couple, to being parents.
Men oten eel there is little they can do, but actually dads have a signifcant
impact on the mother and childs well-being, both when children are new-
born and growing up.
13
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RES
Whe
Couns
Lots o m
work this
Myths:
I should
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Family dispute resolutionThis is a service that couples usually access when they are separating. It is
used to resolve issues o parenting and property. It assists couples to deal
with these issues in ways that work as well as possible or them and their
children, rather than going to court.
Getting legal advice as part o this process can be useul, so that decisions
are not made in isolation. Separation is a difcult experience and many
participants value being able to address these issues in the presence o a
trained third party. It may not be appropriate i there is a history o domestic
violence or mental health issues
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Debt Education and Mediation Centre1300 731 722
Assists people with debt crises and money management skills.
Family Relationship Advice Line
1800 050 321
www.amilyrelationships.gov.au
The Family Relationship Advice Line is a national telephone service
established to assist amilies aected by relationship or separation issue
Family Assistance Ofce
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Authors
Relationships Australia (Victoria):
Andrew Bickerdike, Tony Gee, Paul Wiseman.
MensLine Australia:
Andrew King and Paul Ridgewell. Consultant Terry Melvin.
Research, writing, editing, book design and production by
Helpul Partners Pty Ltd.
Acknowledgements
We acknowledge the many men we work with and who put continual
eort into improving their relationships. We have drawn on some o
their quotes and refections.
Funding
Relationships Australia receives unding rom the Australian, State and
Territory Governments and other agencies. We grateully acknowledge
this support which assists us to provide relationship services.
Copyright notice
Relationships Australia (Victoria) and Crisis Support Services Inc.
This work is copyright. You may download, display, print and reproduce
this material in unaltered orm only (retaining this notice) or your
personal, non-commercial use or use within your organisation. All rights
are reserved. Requests and enquiries concerning reproduction rights
should be addressed to:
Chie Executive Ocer
Relationships Australia (Victoria)
PO Box 8656
Armadale Victoria 3143
Email: [email protected]
or
Crisis Support Services
PO Box 2335
Footscray Victoria 3011
Email: [email protected]
About this booklet
Like a manual, this booklet is best dipped into, not read rom cover to
cover. Making changes can be dicult and requires courage.
Your feedback
Help us to improve uture editions.
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