The holidays are a time of loving togetherness. Of taking a moment to be thankful that you made it through another year, with your sanity (mostly) intact. A time to gather the family around the <insert religious or secular symbol of your choice> and take a great photograph.
But gone are the days when your <insert parental figure here> would set the timer on the camera and you’d all wait with frozen smiles on your face until the flash blinded you and your brother made bunny ears behind you.
Now we have smart phones. Smart phones, you might know, have created the phenomenon known as the selfie. Which is a real life word now. I will pause for a moment to allow you to weep.
Sadly, since many of us did not grow up with a smart phone, we, unlike Justin Bieber, cannot take a decent selfie. And we are headed straight for selfie season! How are you and your roommates going to take pictures of each other to post on Facebook to show everyone (especially that guy that dumped you THREE days before Thanksgiving) how amazing you look!?
SELFIE(she is so not taking a selfie)
SELFIE Never fear, Red Branch Media is here. We hire only selfie-genic people. And
they are going to teach us how to take a season’s worth of selfies that may just make next year’s <insert holiday of choice here> card!
Ready? SNAP!
No mirrors please. Okay I know I said the Beebz was a genius but no one should really take a selfie in front of a mirror. For multiple reasons:
1. There is that weird flash thingy that makes everyone look green.2. Mirrors tend to be in bathrooms and reflect things NO ONE needs to see.3. It makes you look super vain. Someone told me this when I took too many mirror selfies.
If you MUST take a selfie in the mirror, do it with one that is leaned up against the wall. This will make you look approximately 10 lbs thinner, which let’s face it, you’re gonna need post-Thanksgiving dinner.
not bad
very bad
Don’t Zoom. Kyle mentions that zooming with a smartphone never works.
Instead take the picture with no magnification and then zoom digitally by cropping it afterwards.
Unless you want to look really blurry and pixelated, which maybe you do?
(she is so not taking a selfie)
Elongate your neck
This works for men and women. It feels weird at first but with good posture, and elongated neck and tilted chin, you too can look like a supermodel.
Well, maybe not a super model but at least not a crepe-y necked scary person. Courtney teaches us how to elongate your neck like a pro.
1. Look at the ceiling. (If there is any shmootz up there clean it…lazy)
2. Slowly bring your head back down until you are looking UP at your phone.
3. Angle toward your good side (mine’s the left).
4. Hurry take the picture before you freeze that way!
ELONGATE
Pucker your lips. Please NOTE this does not mean ‘make a duck
face’. It is NOT our fault if you make holiday
duck face pictures and RBM assumes no liability
for fugs duckface photos that may appear in
your Instagram or Facebook feed.
This is more important the older you get as your
lips will face away into your fade like Fire
Marshall Bill. If you are a guy, you can just
accept it and be cool with making more money
than the ladies and generally being allowed to
age as nature intended and not
being forced to inject botulism
into your forehead. YAY!
Bonus tip! Shaley says that on
America’s Top Model, the girls
put cotton under their upper
lip. I do not recommend this.
Meggie mentions that throwing out a peace sign will result in an average of two more likes per picture. We haven’t tested that and don’t know if it’s true but it seems totally legit.
There aren’t that many more hand gestures we can think of that would be appropriate in a selfie.
Please note: There are three versions of the peace sign.
Forward:Jenny from Forrest Gump. This is classic and like a string of pearls, always tres elegante.
Backward:This is slightly more hip and should be used when you’ve just spend a small fortune on your manicure or if you have a massive engagement ring to show off.
Sideways:You should not do this unless you are in One Direction and even their time is nigh.
THROWTHEM SIGNS
Hey selfie addicts! (We know you are, otherwise why would you be
reading an entire ebook about selfies? That’s ludicrous!) Anyways,
Marissa says to keep it to one per day.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAH. Okay, here are all the ways around that rule:
1. If you have a pet you can post more than one. Pets are also great cover for the side of your
face that has a blemish. Ditto children.
2. If you are growing facial hair. But for the love of ZENU, use a Biore strip first!
3. With friends. I mean, sure everyone says this is super annoying but everyone just does it
anyway. Smart people put all similar friend selfies into an album.
better with two
everyone likes pets and
babies. Not everyone likes
your selfies. So if you put
babies and/or pets into
your selfies then maybe
people will like them? I
don’t know.
We just figured this was a
good one. Although Jeremy
makes it a point to NEVER
like selfies with babies or
pets because he thinks
they are trolling for likes,
which they are. It’s like a
never ending cycle you
guys!!
He prefers to wear his fur.
Use pets and babies.
KNOW THYSELFSarah says it’s better to pretend like you’re
making fun of yourself. That way, no one else
can make fun of you. You can do this by making a
funny face, looking super “over” selfies or by
putting on a mask at the salvation army that
might give you a face STD.
face std
You know how everyone was like
“Make a word cloud!” from your blog?
Well, Eric says that looking at your
home page on Instagram is the same
thing, a quick “snapshot” of you and all
of your favorite things. But we know
that Julie Andrews would look down in
stern disapproval at all those selfies of
you with Red Solo Cups (the official
cups of Red Branch Media). We aren’t
suggesting you don’t raise a glass of
cheer over the holidays, just hide your
dang glass behind your back, ya lush!
Ease up on the alcohol…selfies.
Blur the edges of that pumpkin pie shot. Blur the dirty driveway out of
the snowball fight pic. Blur the edges of your hot cocoa mug to enhance
the steam. But QUIT blurring your face. We all know you’re doing it. It
doesn’t make you look younger, it makes you look like a ghost.
Selective blur is okay when:
1. You have crazy hair that
could pass for normal with a
touch of blur.
2. Your friend’s arm fat is
showing
3. YOUR arm fat is showing
4. No other times
Step Away from the Blur
There you have it folks, the complete guide to taking awesome selfies this holiday season!
If you need more help, just like us on Facebook or Follow us on Instagram where we’re happy to give unsolicited
advice for free!
