Do You HearWhat I Hear?

How to be a good listener

“Take a tip from nature-your ears aren’t made to be shut, but your

mouth is.”Unknown

“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak”

Epictetus

We listen at 125-250 words per minute

We think at 1000-3000 words per minute

Payoffs of good listening• Gain knowledge• Receive better work and cooperation from others• Can help win and keep friends• Solve problems and resolve conflict• Reduce tension• Increase enjoyment in life• Strengthen family relationships

Some interesting statistics• 85% of what we know, we learned by listening• 75% of the time we are distracted, preoccupied or

forgetful• We recall about 50% immediately after we listen

to someone talk• We spend about 45% of time listening• We remember about 20% of what we hear

Do you speak like a dolphin or a

killer whale?

Poor Listening Styles• Spacing out• Pretend listening• Selective listening• Word listening• Self-centered listening

– Judging– Advising– Probing

Genuine Listening

1. Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

2. Stand in their shoes3. Practice mirroring

Genuine Listening

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BodyLanguage

Tone/Feeling Words

History repeats itself because no one listened the first time.

anonymous

A good listener is a silent flatterer.-Anonymous

A good listener is not someone with nothing to say.   Listen twice before you speak once.

- Scottish Proverb

To appear wise, one must talk;To be wise, one must listen.

-Anonymous

Examine what is said, not him who speaks.- Arab proverb

What do you mean?

• I didn’t say you had an attitude problem• I didn’t say you had an attitude problem• I didn’t say you had an attitude problem

Genuine Listening

1. Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

2. Stand in their shoes3. Practice mirroring

Genuine Listening

1. Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

2. Stand in their shoes3. Practice mirroring

Mirroring vs. MimickingMimicking is . . .• repeating words• using the same words• cold and indifferent

Mirroring is . . .• repeating meaning• using your own words• warm and caring

Mirroring Phrases• As I get it, you felt• So, as I see it• I can see that you’re feeling• You feel that• So, what you are saying is

Avoid phrases like:

1. Are you sure?2. It's not that bad3. Sleep on it. You'll feel better tomorrow4.Do not be judgemental

Reactive vs. Reflective• Allow own thoughts,

feelings or opinions to take over conversation

• More concerned with what they want to say that what the other person is telling them.

• Focus on their own reactions rather than the feeling and needs of speaker.

• Concentrate on the feelings, opinions and concerns that are being expressed by the other person.

• Avoid interrupting the other person to comment on what he or she is saying

• Focus on what the speaker is saying in order to understand it.

See First to Understand, and then be Understood

• Practicing listening is only the first half.• Share your feelings.• If you take the time to listen, chances of being listened to are very good.

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat!

Katharine Whitehorn

Resources• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, Sean Covey,

Fireside, 1998. • Teaching Resources for Youth Educators Communications

Source Book:. 4-H Youth Development Building Bridges Curriculum, University of Wisconsin Extension, 877-947-7827

• Life Lists for Teens, Pamela Espeland, Free Spirit Publishing, 2003.

• The Communications Toolkit, Michigan State University Extension, 310 Ag. Hall, East Lansing, MI, 48824, 517-432-1555, $25.00