In light of the extremely pressing issues facing our nation at the present time, President Barack Hussein Obama today called a special press conference to announce what he considers the most important accomplishment of his illustrious first season of excellence.

It just so happens to coincide with all out efforts to get reelected, but that does nothing to lessen the significance of this monumental feat.

Nor does the president’s goals to reach out to as many demographic groups as possible in any way suggest that his Diversity Goals are not in the best interests of attracting voters.

Opening the press conference with poise, confidence, and that ever-endearing, impish Cheshire cat-like grin, the commander-in-chief, with a regal wave of his majestic hand, dismissed such trivialities as the nearly incalculable national deficit, the dire state of the economy, astronomical gasoline prices, and unfathomable unemployment to emphasize the magnitude of his magnanimity.

Following his customary practice of taking something good and making it way better, the King of the Free World saw a critical need in satisfying the dreams and desires of the many racial and ethnic groups that provide the rainbow panorama of cultural diversity in our great nation.

He thought long and hard on how best to include everyone in his grand design, scarcely considering the fame and glory such an undertaking might engender.

Seeing how the gender gap over the last few decades has been narrowed time and again by significant systemic societal shifts, it became quite obvious that there was much left to be done if the Wizard of the Western Hemisphere was to leave a lasting legacy. So, single-handedly and single-mindedly, our Messiah meditated and pondered the matter for several seconds before feeling the glow of epiphanic enlightenment. He was beside himself with glee.

As the president of “all the people,” the anointed one, praised and adored by the legal and the undocumented alike, the undeservedly poor victimized by the self-indulgently rich, chose to interrupt his wide-ranging world-saving efforts to direct his attention closer the homeland where his voting base stood ready with outstretched hands, still patiently waiting for the handouts they were promised for voting for him the first time, kool-aid cups in hand.

With his usual flair for the dramatic, the best president ever decided to dispense with the suspense and just lay it right out there for all to see, amazing as that might sound.

As the gasps of anticipation wafted through the anxious audience, with a flourish of his cape and an ever-so-slight bow to his major contributors, the pretender on the throne spoke:

“Today you will all see your dearest dreams fulfilled, your greatest desires satisfied . Today you will be honored, acknowledged and recognized for all eternity, thanks to the fruits of my superior intelligence and grandiose generosity.

Today is your lucky day. I am certain that each and every one of you will show your love for this wondrous wish come true at the polls in November. If not, there’s plenty of kool-aid for everyone. Michelle just made a fresh batch, with BHOreo cookies and everything. Thanks, hon!”

“Today, by presidential decree, I’m announcing a revolutionary new procedure to be immediately implemented by the National Hurricane Center for all hurricanes occurring from this season forward in perpetuity.”

The names on my list will ensure that every American from here to the end of the world will know the greatness of my legacy as the greatest president of the universe. I have purposely left off the name “Michelle,” as she is solely responsible for the “thunder under MY covers!”

And so, with a practiced flourish and toss of his shiny silk-lined magician’s cape, the shiniest star of the solar system unveiled his revolutionary news!...

The Obama Hurricane Naming Mandate

A ABDULIO N NETLOSSB BAILOUT O OCCUPYC CASH P PANDORAD DOLLARS Q QUICKSANDE EXCESS R RUNS-WITH-BUCKSF FOOLJA S SHAMIQUAG GOPSTOPPER T TAXMANH HOPELESS U URAGONERI IWANNIT V VICTORJ JOBKILLER W WHATEVERK KILLJOY X XAVIERL LEND-ME Y YOUOMEM MEME Z ZERO